The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 06/10/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #87

Episode Date: June 11, 2013

MMA fighter, promoter and cat lover John Rallo calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Visit huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 06/10/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, S&L, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. Again, that's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Lowercase. Oh shit. It's that time of the day.

It's that time of the week. Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit Are you kidding me or what Monday June 10th Six o'clock tonight

The Dr. J. Documentary Get your shit together Lee Lee Leland here And a little fucking zombie Fia on Monday Kick that motherfucker Lee Kick it

Hit it Oh shit Lee hit this motherfucker Is this Rob Zombie? It's called white zombie but that's how it's wrong. Are you kidding me or one? Look at you, you're burning shit, you're ruining the refit? It's Monday, June 10th, get up, drink some coffee, some push-ups, wash those fucking nuts,

scratch them and smell your fucking fingers. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive here on the church of what's happening. Now, what? All right, Lee, enough, but it's this American band, Stan Cox, what's going on? Every time I turn down the music, There's a media go. Now I love it. I live it on for 30 seconds.

I was telling Joey, when it came in, I think he just picked something that's happening in front of him, and he complains about it. He probably loves Ranch. To see, what's that day? I fucking hate Ranch. He's just talking one day. I fucking hate.

Ranch is in front of me. I hate ranch. Fucking complaining about everything, but I'm feeling good. I'm not complaining. I'm breaking your balls. It's a big fucking difference about complaining and breaking somebody's goddamn balls.

I hope everybody had a fucking phenomenal weekend. Everybody's safe. Everybody's healthy. We had a great fucking weekend, Friday night. Went over to Jiu-Jitsu. Went over to the ice house. Hung out with Rogan and Tom Rhodes and Red Band. It was good to see those fucking savages.

Saturday. Lee came over. We got fucking baked. We watched the UFC. He called me an hour later. I dosed him with a roofie. You didn't pick up. Oh, because I went to sleep.

I was just as high as you were. I wasn't high at your house, though. I was like, all right, this isn't that bad. I thought it was just... I told you. The cookie was 18 milligrams. That's what you said. That's what you said. But then I got home and I sat down on my bed and I fucking went off.

It was like a delayed release. And then you had mystery weed that was in a hash container. But you said it wasn't hash. Let me tell you what I was hash. Let me tell you what happened. First off, Friday afternoon. I got a lot of, we talk about customer service and we talk about companies that we love. You know, you got my man on Toffoy with his T-shirt company.

You got somebody who sent this hoods. This weekend I got to write it all down. So Wednesday, remind me they sent those hoods. Oh, sweet. We got a mechanic. fucking poster in the mail. Wow. And we got their stuff from Duck Dynasty.

They sent my niece a T-shirt. Really? You're from Duck Dynasty. So I, you know, hey, listen, this is what it's all about. We all work together. Friday, like I said, I got a lot of love from Auntie Dolores.

It's not because she makes great fucking edibles is because the story that went behind it. And she's just not up there fanning her pussy. You know, she's up there fucking work. And she was in L.A. for a week doing demos. That's where they go to a weed store and just cut fucking edibles and give her away. to free to people to let people know what it's all about so I advertised it on Twitter I was

going to be that one from four to five and how many fucking edibles can eat before you see purple and I went down there and she gave us a fucking bag I mean this bag was filled to the top yeah that's a big bag now it's a big bag on Saturday I had it since Friday I gave some away I took some to the ice house I ate some yesterday at Ralphies these are the cheese crackers these are usually 180 milligrams there's still 180 you know you get two cookies I don't believe you're 180 milligrams 90 milligrams apiece so this is probably 30 so this what I'm saying to you fuck up now that's not 30 you also get the Carmel corn which is delicious you also get look at this shit pretzels and peanuts for beer these fucking peanuts will

fuck you up you also go this combination which is Carmel corn and pretzels Carmel corn and peanuts which is like Cracker Jack yeah you were trying to give me to do Cracker Jack so like let's make them all together we'll do some peanuts no we just then what the fuck Guy, this is what I'm talking about. What we have? All right, you gotta finish your piece. Well, have that in a minute.

Well, come on, finish it. I literally just had it. Give me two minutes. Well, you gotta get the party. What the party is started? You gotta do some jumping jacks and get the TAC kicking into the fucking bloodstream. So I wanna just give a shout out to Andy Dolores on what she does. Go to her website.

If you're in California, Denver, all the fucking states that are smoking with three hands, you see Andy Dolores, you get the fucking peanuts, you get the caramel corn is delicious. You got a nephew that's kind of fucking retorting. He's 11 or something. He's a bag of his fucking popcorn. Let the pieces fall for what they made. Fuck that little retarded cocktucker. What's a cocktucker?

Whatever the fuck he is. So I want to thank God. I love him people. You know, I'm sick and tired of people going on with no business. Last Friday I went to a club. Last Wednesday I did a club club VE. Okay. And Pomona.

There was 200 people in there. You know why? Why? Because they work with the fucking public. They had happy hour. They had tacos for a dollar. You follow me? Once you let people know that there's a fucking recession and shit's going on and you give them a deal,

you know, they're still doing buckets for $6. They're still doing $2 beers during the comedy show. They're 200 fucking people in there. Yeah, we went to Morton's the other night before your daughter's baptism, and they had like a really cheap happy hour at the bar. It's like a fancy watchman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, during the week. You got it.

You can't. Everything can't be. Wait till you smell this fucking fucking fucking. I don't want to smell it. Why are you blowing it for a more? What is that happening? You know, whenever you see sour cream and black beans and you put them together in something, there's going to be a problem.

Oh, you had Mexican food last night? I had Chipotle in the afternoon, like a lunch of my wife. So it's been cooking for a while? Oh, it's been cooking in my asshole, and I had black beans and sour cream, and I farted this morning in the shower, and I almost slipped and broke my neck. I thought I had jerked off in the shower. You could jerk off in the shower, and your toe catches the sperm, and you fucking slip like that. I don't do it in the shower.

I live alone. I do it where I want. I can do it right here. You're a filthy fucking, you're a filthy fucking, you taste it just because I do whatever I want. I don't do it in the public area. I don't do it on the couch. I fucking hope not, you filthy fuck.

Why? You come in every time, anytime I ever talk about a girl. You're on the contrary. You grab a tent. You grab a tinman. Last night he went to see Cosby with this girl Ashley. Again, people. No pussy Ashley.

He goes with... It's over, but it's over. It's over. Bill Cosby was great. I don't care what you said. He didn't touch her leg. He didn't go for a tent. I asked him, does he kiss you on the cheek to thank you for getting.

ass or anything at the end of the night. When she goes to kiss you, you got to grab that. She didn't. Not grab it like a fucking runaway slave. What? Just like touch it with your thumb. Just you feel the nipple. When you go to grab her or the hugger, you rub that thumb against the nipple.

Women love that shit. No, they don't. Yes, they don't do it. They don't do it. They think you fucking, they think there's something wrong with you. They love it for you because your Uncle Joey and you're adorable. I'm no fucking adorable. You give a smile.

Look at this fucking face. Look at these teeth. They're all fucking green. Yeah, and they love it. You got, you're a 24-year-old fucking stud. Philbitt come. I'm an old fucking faggot. Look at me. You know what I'm saying? I'm like Liberace before a young kid came over.

Bill Cosby was awesome. Did he? Was he good? He was, he did two hours. He did two sold-out shows. It's going to be a comedy central special. He doesn't need my advertising. But it was that was the first special I ever had. I had himself, the one where he did the dentist bit on VHS. I love it. And my dad

and I still do that joke. My lip-up is on the flow. And it's just, it was amazing. Fuck you. It was amazing. So fuck you. Here you go, cocksucker. Joey told me on Saturday, he said, mind your business, why are you going to drive down there in traffic? Eat an edible, listen to the album.

You'd be saying a fucking thing? It wasn't. It was awesome. I know, it was it? Just smoked this and pipe down. You're all excited. And eat that edible. That's all you need to fucking do is eat that other. I had three joints already.

What three joints? We haven't even smoked three joints. I only had one joint. No. A super fucking blue dream. This is not the first joint. And I took a joint of roaches I had. If this is the same joint, they keep regenerating. Yeah, no, no, no.

That's the first one. That's the second one. I got two more up here bat. Look at these motherfuckers. These are Boston Red Sox type bats. And eat the edible. Let's do this. Right real quick.

Eat the whole fucking thing. You let the piece there. No, you didn't. Eat the whole thing. Come on. I already had a piece. You had a little tiny peek. And I'm watching you.

You think you're in a jay. Eat that right now. Pop. Pop. Put a pop. water, relax. Fuck. I'm watching you.

I'm watching you. I already had it. Why don't have to look? Because we cut it in half perfectly. It's 30 milligrams perfectly. Let's go. Come on. Why do we have to cut in half?

You're fucking doing for 30 years. I swear to God, I'll throw this fucking knife at you. I'll kill you alive on a fucking podcast on Usory. I'll do 30 years because they got me on tape. I swear to God, eat the fucking thing and stop crying. If I don't make it to work tonight, I'm going to charge you. There's people in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The Dead Squad people all over the country.

would fucking eat that. There's two people. Come on. What about the other piece? This ain't dice, cocksucker. Look at these guys. Look, look at them. He's gagging and shit.

It's gross. Look at him. That's the best stuff that money could buy. That's a lady could die. Yeah, but it's filled with weed. It's not filled with weed. It's not filled with weed. It gets smaller each time.

First it was 30, no, it's 10. Then it's 1. Then it's negative milligrams. Eat it. Cock sucker. Look at this. Look at this. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

It's Monday. Where's Tony Bennett? Cuck sucker. Look, look, he's been sick. Fuck, I don't like this to weed. Like I taste the fucking Burger King Cocks, like that. I suppose to weed, yeah. I want to be around to pick up the pieces

when somebody breaks your heart. This is why you do it, you think I'm funny. Somebody. Delicious that chocolate. Get up, cock suckers, jumping jacks. This is gonna be a bad thing. Somebody you love. Somebody loves you, you miss them.

Light a candle. Let him know. Light a candle for me, please. There's no way I'm surviving today. We still have another piece. No way we don't. What we used to do with me? Are you fucking getting me?

It helps your comedy activities. Tony Bennett, 19, whatever. Giggling home. My fucking places to go. I'm going to get arrested for DUI. company I may not want to be around Are you fucking kidding me?

Is there anyone like that you want to see? I don't know if it's different for comedy but is there like any musician who you want to see? It's a bunch of people I want to see. Listen, let me tell you. First of all, I want to tell you, I woke up last night at 3.30 in the morning and thinking about my buddy who died Easter Sunday. Just thinking about it, I used to call me dick.

That's what I am. You always call me dick. Dick, because he would say I was a dick. He would call me dick. Big rubber dick. You're going to come with me? Big rubber dick. He used to call me dick.

I was just thinking about him. So that song goes out to him today. I miss him a lot. Jimmy Burkle. So I was just thinking it's so weird how you have these people in your life, these stupid fucking people you giggle with, you know. And you crack jokes with and you call them once a week and you say stupid shit to them.

And when they die, you know? You don't really think about it. You just live your life. And all of a sudden, you're like, fuck, he was important or she was important in my life. You know, I wasn't fucking, I'm grabbing their tit or not. Was yesterday, like, an important day with you and him? No, no, no, no. Yes, I went to, well, I went to Ralphie's May's kids of a birthday party.

It was fucking awesome. Oh, yeah? It was awesome. It was really awesome. Ralphie knows it valet parking on the bottom of the hill. They had a mule there. The kids were writing little horses. Ralphie's got a little boy who could possibly be a fucking killer.

August could possibly be a little fucking. Savage. You think so? Yeah. The little girl's really cute. She's five, but August turns four. And he's, you know, you ask him, what did this guy say? And he goes, he's a cock sucker. He's really cute, but I hugged him. Yes, I grabbed me. Let me tell you something, you fuck.

When you talk to me, you call me Mr. Diaz. You understand? He's like, yeah. I go give my daughter a kiss. You're her new fucking bodyguard. That's your little cousin. He gave her a kiss, and he hugged her and shit. So, we and him are partners now. We're partners. That's it. It's going to be like her old. older brother. So Ralph,

he had a catered Mexican, he had hot dogs, Hebrew National. I must have had three fucking hot. You know, it's amazing how you go to a thing,

people cater it, and I didn't give a fuck about the Mexican catered food. I didn't touch that Mexican food. I had the three Hebrew national hot dogs that were delicious. Uh-huh. With mustard,

little raw onions. Ooh. Ooh. I was telling you, I just got into raw onions. Did you? Yeah, I know. What the fuck you've been all your life?

I don't know. You're 24 years old. What the fuck? I think when you're a kid, at least for me, like, you figure out what you like and you're just like for the rest of your life

you're like oh I don't like that and like there's no reason for me not to like it so like the other after the live podcast we met at an in and out and got like a single cheeseburger and they actually

which for you people who lose them wait let me tell you something by in and out if you eat a single cheeseburger without the magic sauce yeah with a raw onion it's like eight and nine points you eat in half one of those fries which I don't like anyway

because I don't eat without the fries are gross so if you eat a cheeseburger from and out and Diet Coke, it's 10 fucking points. It's not too bad. So, yeah. So, no, no, it's fine. I had a headache at midnight. She said, do you want onions?

I said, whatever. And it was delicious. Delicious. And I got... Raw onions is fucking delicious. I put it on a salad and tuna recently. And it's like, I like this. So it's fucking...

Oh, no, no, no, no. Wait until I take it to that Cuban place again, Creoleo. Oh, that was good. A thin steak. Yeah. With the black beans and rice. That's what you have.

And I have them cut some onions up. That's what they put on. That's what I had. To put on the fucking rice. Delicious. The raw rice. You're going to call in that number, right, Tarzan? Yeah, yeah.

Call me in that number about, you know, whatever 635 is. All right. I appreciate you doing this. All right, brother, love you. Okay, I'm sorry. This is behind the scenes. No, so it was a... The tentable's already hitting me, so I'm good for another other ten minutes.

You asked me a very interesting question, and I got to be a strictly honest with you about it. Which one? I don't know too many people who went to more concerts than I did when I was at that age. Yeah. Okay. And I got to be honest with you. It was like I did them,

A, for, to get the fuck out of the house. You know, I'm like, you, I like to get the fuck out of the house. Yeah. And B, to maybe be cool, you know, maybe to be cool in those days, or whatever the fuck it was, you know? Yeah. After concerts I went to, I could be honest with you, it wasn't the concert as much as the journey.

Yeah, it was like getting over there, like that. Not even, no, no, no. The bus into the city. It was snow. We made the last bus. Oh, okay. You're train into the city. We got into a fistfight.

Somebody got hit with a fucking ghetto blaster in the head. Now, today, and today, A, something happened when I got to be like 27, 28. Something just happened. And I went to see fucking the dead in San Francisco. I went to see Sylvester in San Francisco, that gay black guy that's things you make me feel, mighty real. I went to see a lot of people in small venues, the B-52s. I've been to large venues. Like, I've never seen Guns and Roses.

That's one band. I stopped going to concerts after that. Like 87, 88, that was it. Now, if I go to those things, no matter what I go to, it's a fucking chore. Yeah. It's a fucking chore. I had great seats for the Lakers this year. And the day that I had to go to Laker games, I didn't want to fucking go.

I was stuck. It was like, I'd rather be home. Yeah. No, it's, especially stuff like that. That's why I've always loved stand-up. I don't know why, like, it was in Cerritos. It wasn't in, like, it wasn't at, like, like the stable center and I've just always loved stand-up like it's not there's not people

walking around with concessions it's like you say you're sitting down to watch someone and when you go to see someone like Bill Cosby or anyone like that like they're going like anyone was there to heckle him and he got a he didn't have an opening act he came out got a standing ovation and did two hours on one subject and it was like Steve Simone was there I didn't we probably sing in different areas but it was just How'd you know Steve Simone was that? He was the one who told me about it. He was one who told me about the tickets.

I think he's out of town. No, no. I talked to him. We tweeted afterwards. He was there. But he did two hours on one subject. He's 75 years old, so I don't know how much longer. I mean, it's sad to think like that.

Sold out. Both shows. I went on his touring. He's touring three days a week. He's going to be in Vegas in San Diego. But the tickets in San Diego are like 400 of pop. And this was like 55 last night. I got the Jewish special.

But it's amazing that I talk to you and you're such a fan of stand-down. I love it. Let's get something straight. I never went to a stand-up club to the night I got on stage. Really? Never. Never. That's like eight of my first dates.

I love stand-ups. Number two, I hate me at my point in this point in my life. And if I tell people they're going to be pissed at me. Like, I hate theaters. I hate fancy places. I'd rather you motherfuckers come see me at a dingy fucking strip club with no street. Yeah. Put the light on me. Let's get some $2 fucking drinks and let's get fucked up for two hours and no pressure on me. I'm going to give you the best show of your fucking life.

Yeah. You know, I'm going to give you the best show in my life. I'm going to give you one of those shows like the night when I tape the CD. You know, it's either you or the priest where I was relaxed. There was 150 people. I didn't give a fuck. You know, that's what I'd rather do. I'd much rather have a smaller venue where I get connected with everybody. but the clubs don't want that because they don't make money. For me, that's my fucking dream. Now, let me ask you this. I'm personally not a huge drinker,

and it sometimes takes me out of it at the clubs with, like, the waiters and waitresses. This was at a theater, so there was no drinks. I'd almost prefer to pay a little bit more. And have nobody walking a fucking round. Would that be cool? That'd be cool. It doesn't... That'd be cool with me.

Yeah. I'd rather you eat your fucking meal and get three cocktails left. there and that's it. The doors are locked and it's you and us for three hours. I came up in a different system. I came up with gentlemen. We were five, 13 year olds and one 14 year old in a room

listening to Pryor with George Carlin and we would sit there stone to the gills, giggling. I want to bring it to the same type of level. That's the level I like my comedy. That's why when we discuss doing the CD, the DVD, it's got to be some more small.

I want bricks behind me. I don't want a stage with a fucking curtain and glitter and people clapping and people with suits on. I want motherfuckers with leather jackets on and haulies and fucking, you know, I want real people there. I thought a lot about you last night because he

came out and like you always say we've been talking about the DVD and you said just from here like the chest up he sat down. He stood up like twice. He just sat down and it was just it's kind of like you like he commanded attention and I could just imagine I mean

in 20 years or well 25 years he'll be his age and I don't see you wanting, you might not be touring every weekend but you're not going to want to stop getting on stage so I can see doing that in 20 years I'm the only jerk off that doesn't have something to say but you

always want to have something to say like right now I have something to say I have to talk about my baby being born what I think yeah you know do I really think I'd be at this point my wife I never thought I don't fucking be 50 I never thought you know these are the things I think about but I really don't want to talk about it, but he's such a fucking genius

that he knows how to bring it to fucking life. No, no, no, and I should go to more things. I just get so caught. Lee, I slept this weekend. This was the first week I had nobody around. Well, you've been on the road a lot. Yeah, you know, five, six weeks, and then I had the people in town,

then I had my other nephew in town. And if he's none in town, I'm doing a bunch of fucking comedy. This was the first week. I did one, two, three sets. You know, I went to a couple jihisuits, went to a couple kickboxing. I wrote every day.

You know, I have my daughter in the mornings. I stopped walking in the morning because I realized that my knee pain was from the walking, even though I put on the fucking sneakers or the strong bone has really kicked in. Well, the cement. Yeah. Well, I got those fucking new balance. The new balances, so I figured that that helped a little bit. But you know what happened?

And the strong bones kicked in two, three fucking weeks. And now that knee, I'm going to Dr. Tuesday anyway to see what he's got to say to me. Because maybe it's arthritis, but at least it's not the knee pain I had two fucking weeks ago. Once a strong bone, that's why I do it in intervals. I don't stare at year round. I do it in intervals because it's like smoking the same weed every day. Every day you're not going to get as high as you did on Monday. How are you feeling?

How's that a bococke sucker? This guy better call soon because I'm about to be able to. You're beautiful. You're fucking beautiful. There's nothing wrong with you. You're a fuck with some music for you, Uncle Joey. All right? All right.

Something. Whatever. What time is? I don't give a fuck. $6.25. I don't give a fuck. Let's do something. Oh, shit.

Get up. It's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful day to be alive. You got the world by the balls, man, whether you're 25 or 50. Guess what? You're in the United States. You can do what the fuck you want today. Today, today. Not tomorrow, not Wednesday.

Today. Get up. Write your goals for today. You're going to do this. You're going to do that. You're going to stab Lee. Hit it, Lee. Hit it.

Hit it. From Boston. There you go. I don't know why we don't want to read every every show. This wasn't planned, but red seems to be like the like the color of the show. Like our eyes get red. We're taking... It's fucking Monday. It's Monday, baby. It's Monday, baby. It's Monday. It's a fighter's color. It's a fighting color. You got to get out there and grab

that motherfucking bite him in the neck. Eddie Bravo. I was going to say, yeah. A nice fight with Hoyler Gracie. I think it's the Gracie. I'm sorry if I pronounce the word. Wrong. You know, I've been smoking dope just 430 this morning. But my friend Eddie Bravo went to eat a... I met him the other night, Friday night. I met him at the taco stand by the ha-ha there across the street. By the hot dogs, he didn't want to eat nothing.

I had two tacos and talked to him about it a little bit. Told him, yeah, they got a hold of Mike Doche and get his nutrition up to par and shit. Oh, shit. How long... I've heard the stories, but when did he do the last fight? Do you know, was it like a decade of years? So, yeah, they're going to tighten it up, and they're going to go for anything. They're going to do it in San Diego, so we'll all be there representing.

Eddie fucking bra. Eddie Brab was a good fucking dude. I love him to debt and all that shit. By the way, tonight, I don't know if you people know it. I don't know if a lot of kids care or give a fuck. Tonight is, I think tonight's the night's the 30th anniversary of when the fucking Philadelphia 76s swept the Lakers. Oh, you love the 76s. With Moses Malone and Julius Irving.

So tonight, out of respect for Strong Allen from Roosevelt, Long Allen. They're going to do a documentary on George. Julius serving. I've been waiting for this for years. Is it a 30 for 30? No, no, no, it's on the NBA channel. This is a strong on 30. This is Julius serving. You need to a whole new series. This is Julius serving.

And for you people who don't know, you just don't know. They talk about LeBron, James. They talk about this guy and Michael Jordan. Listen, they'll want to be known these motherfuckers if there was no Julius serving. And I got to see it. I got to see it, man. I got to see it. So

was that the game? you went to with the guy who showed you the hooker or whatever? Yeah, I went to see... Listen, I went to see a couple net games. Yeah. It was a net. Okay. With Super John Williamson and shit and Billy Pulse and that cheeseburger.

And, oh, my God. The ABA was a bunch of black fucking gangsters that slam dunked. They had a three-point line. You never watched that documentary about the ABA? No. John Barone was a Miami Floridian. Oh, really? He played for the Miami Floridians.

Oh, I didn't know he was pro. Fuck yeah, Doug. A lot of people from the NBA, Larry Keenan, artist Gilmore, oh my God, fucking the other guy, the Iceman, George Gervin, San Antonio Spurs. There was only like 16.

Like when the ABA ended, it was like maybe six teams. It was the Kentucky Wizards, I think, the fucking San Antonio Spurs, the New Jersey Nets. It was only a couple teams. That's why when they asked Julia Serving last week on San on who you

pulling for because I got to be pulling for San Antonio, they're the old motherfucking Spurs. They had this dude called the Iceman, George Gervin. Yeah. My God. They had a, they just had these flamboyant black bad motherfuckers, but one of them was Julius Irving. And I remember coming home and watching him play basketball, bro. It was at a time when I got left back. Okay.

So eighth grade? It was seventh grade the first time. And I just got left back. And I had played basketball, but I was. was never really like an avid fan of watching it. And I just watched the Nets one day. And I couldn't believe this black dude with an Afro. And the way he would slam dunk and jump over people.

And the way he could man, he was just a gentleman. Then the biggest news ever was the ABA folded. And he went to the 76ers. And New Yorkers were fucking pissed. I talked about it when I was on stage. I Long Island people froze. Was he on the New York NBA team? He was on, he was on the New York Nets.

The Nets were an ABA team. Okay. And the Nets fucking got rid of them to get money to stay in the NBA. So the six has paid $6 million for him at the time. That was the highest paid basketball player of all time. And he took the number six. His number was originally 32 when he was a net. But when he went to the six is he turned into Julius Serving number six.

And if you go on YouTube, man, look at Julius Serving's top ten slam dunks. Okay. You got to see this. The one against the Lakers when he cups it. I was seeing that. You were there? I was there. I was there.

The Sixers were getting two points at home on a fucking Tuesday night. There's something, something just obscure. I was going to Glassboro stayed at the time. I wasn't really going down there. I was going down there stealing. I was helping a buddy with Roof, and I was getting like $12.50 an hour. So I'd go down there three days a week and roofing out with Kurt D. Lorenzo and a bunch of savages. And I'd stay in Northburg on a couple of three days.

And one night, Kurt said, we got to go to the single. six of games. In those days, with the sixers scored on and 25 points, you got a free hamburger. Really? At the local, I'm the way out. You got a coupon and your ticket stub. You got a free fucking cheeseburger. Is it worth, is the audio worth playing or no? What's that? I have the thing. Yeah, yeah. Dun-ton, tant, dun-dun-dun-dun. It's eight and out of four. Sixers and they get inside.

Oh, yeah, that's nothing. But it was, he did it. He jumped up and he went behind the, like, the glass. And you were there for that? Where were you sitting? I was sitting up in the stands I didn't have good tickets We scop tickets the night of Yeah And I knew And I'm lying

I'm dying people If I'm lying I'm fucking dying I knew in my heart The Sixers wanted to win the championship that year I just knew it They were just too good Moses Malone 83

Was just too good Moses Malone could take Shaq Take him and stuff him In the fucking basket Moses Malone Went right from high school Right to the fucking pros Moses Malone is who taught Akim Elijah on how to play the game of basketball.

Moses Malone, if you look at his stats, when he was a Houston rocket, he used to double, he used to score 29 points a game, and 20 rebounds per game as a center. He would fuck everybody up. He was dumb as fuck, and it didn't matter. I'm not insulting him. I'm just saying what he was. He was a big country, black motherfucker from up there in Tallahassee, Florida, somewhere, You did not want to mess with that motherfucker.

And he had brothers and where's he from? I don't even know. I might be. He scored 27,000 points overscore. He averaged 20.6. He averaged 12 rebounds. And he had almost 2,000 blocks. Tremendous.

50% field go percentage. 77% free throw percentage. Tremendous for a senator. He was... They don't even make him like that no more. That's when you had him. You had your ball. You had fucking bobbling ear.

And he was AB. ABA. Who do you play for in the Utah stars? Utah star. Who the fucking? These, all these savages were all ABA players.

And then he went to the St. Louis team. And then when they merged, he went to the Houston Rockets. Trailblazers first. What are these average up there in the Trailblazers say? When he was in Houston

was when he was fucking motherfuckers up. Okay, he was in Houston from 76 to 82. Yep. And from 82, he went 83, he went over to the fucking Philadelphia 76. It's tremendous.

But listen, If you get a chance tonight, make sure you watch Julius Irving. The doctor makes a motherfucker. Listen, whenever, he'd steal the ball on the fast break. Yeah. And he'd go to slam dunk at Brett Musburger would go. The doctor is making a house call. Jesus.

What's up, baby? What's happening, Joey? You know me, dog, trying to put the pieces together over here with the flying Jew on a Monday morning. How you doing? Good. What's going on? What's this room?

I heard you were in Black Belt Magazine last week. Yeah, yeah. Blackfelt did an article on me a little while back on myself and on my event, Shogun fights that I promote. So obviously it was flattered because Black Belt's the original, you know, martial arts magazine. Original. Obviously.

I'm sorry? Original. That's what we read before, Playboy, before we started whacking off. I used to read Mark. I used to read Black Belt, get a hard on, and shit. Go to look at the catalogs and get the Gis and the patches with Goju Karate and make believe I was Chinese the whole fucking deal. Well, they don't call you Joey Karate for nothing.

What's up, John Rallo? You bad motherfucker? Yeah, Joey. So, right now, just working on my gyms and preparing for our October showgun event, you know. Now, what's the name of the new gym combat sports? No, we're, the school's name, ground control. Ground control. Yeah, ground control.

We've got four of them here in Maryland, and, you know, who knows, maybe it's that someday. Now, what's ground control? Is that a different school in Baltimore? Yeah, ground control is my gym. I came up with the name years ago with a buddy Sean Alvarez and, you know, most people in this area, you know, if you say ground control, they pretty much, you know, know it's John Rallo involved with it.

Okay. What else is going on, little brother? What's happening? Fucking Playboy Madre? I tried to get the article and I was stoned. I couldn't find it. And I wanted to talk to you about your next fights. I want to talk to you about the cats.

I want to talk to you about the Baltimore fucking Ravens. You know, just talk to my main man. The world champion. The world champion, Baltimore. That's right. I'm sorry. I got my main man here from the New York. I'm a Pats fan here, so that's hard to hear.

Well, we gave you a gift two years ago, but we couldn't do it two years in a row. Yeah, I don't know what you guys are doing, though. You gave, what to the quarterback, all that money and let everyone else go. You let Ed Reed go to Houston. Yeah, well, come on now. Ed Reed is kind of, look, I love Ed Reed, maybe the greatest safety to ever play. But, you know, Ed's been a shadow of himself the last few years. His neck and shoulder damaged.

He hasn't tackled anybody in a couple years. And he just had hip surgery. His hips jacked up. They don't even know if he's going to be back in time for camp. So, you know, Ed's still going to, you know, make a play here and there, but definitely not the Ed Reed of old. You know, it was time to get out with the old and with the news. our defense is actually improved even with, you know, Ray retiring

and Ed going away, so I'm excited for the football season. I'm really excited. I can't believe it's fucking June Ray. That's it. It's June. They report it already. My man, you know how it is. The time flies. The older we get, the more responsibility we get, the faster time goes. Damn, John Rowell, dropping knowledge

on a motherfucking Monday morning. Did you see what happened yesterday, John? Now, John, who won the match last night with Ayoki and the other guy? what? I do not know. Me neither. If I could find it and I didn't find any results on it. What was the fighting for?

Yeah, Oakey's a bad manma-jamma and Kron obviously is a beast himself, Hickson's son, so young, that's something I really would like to know who did win. Yeah, last night, Meta-Morris, Shunyei-Yoki. Yeah, because I know they announced

Eddie Bravo's fighting our boy again. No, really. Yeah, they announced it last night at Meta-Morris. nice yeah getting it back you know

how's his and Eddie's had you know some back issues over time so I mean it's exciting to see Eddie get back

you know he's healthy I know Shinye was in the studio with them Wednesday and Thursday practicing the rubber guard

but I said yeah it's where I mean Eddie helped him with his technique you know guys you know

don't sleep on Eddie Bravo because he hasn't competed in a while you know he's a very an accomplished grappler

and a creative guy you know I would sit around with Eddie, and we would just wrap about Jiu-Jitsu for hours, you know, while we were medicating ourselves. So exciting, you know, I'm excited. He's coming back, actually. John Rallo, because of you, I've been going to Jiu-Jitsu steady twice a week.

How you liking it? Between me and you, I love it, John Rallo. Yeah, I told you you would, man. I knew you would. It's a different party. Once you get in the blood, it's over. Yeah, this guy on Monday, is this Marcello, I like this guy, and he runs a tight, you You know, the first half hour is just the calisthenics and shit,

and then the next half hour's technique, then you roll. I can't lie to you, John Rollo. I got two minutes of rolling. And I got a tap, but I can do it three or four times. Yeah. Two minutes, and then two and a half and then three. So, you know, because of you, actually, the last time we got together, we talked about this, you start in Jiu-Jitsu,

and you actually had got me to try acupuncture. So I'm actually seeing an acupuncture therapist, once a week here. And, you know, I'm here to say that it's actually had some pretty good results for some of the pain I was having in my back and in my shoulders. So, you know, I thank you for that. Now, the days that you go, remember, drink a lot of water, right? Even more so than you workout days. And don't plan nothing.

It's like Good Friday. Don't do nothing. Nothing. Don't even give the wife a stabbing. Nothing. Go home, put a TV on, and listen to a little music and make sure you go to bed early and get the hours. that night. You'll see that if you go to sleep and wake up

interrupt that sleep, it's like, what the fuck did I do? Smoke 55 joints and drink a gallon of boots because your body really goes from point A to point B, so see, we learn from each other, no matter what fucking age. Cron Gracie won. He, uh, guillotine choke seven minutes in. Oh shit! Nice. That's, uh, hey, good for Cron, man.

You know, uh, you know, obviously his dad maybe, you know, greatest jiu-jitsu practitioner of all times so uh you know it's exciting to see his son kron has success you know hickson really uh withdrew from the community when hbson passed away so uh you know it's kind exciting to see kron out there still carrying on his lineage now maybe you guys can explain it i watched uh there was a post fight interview with uh shab and uh cyborg and cyborg and cyborg was pissed because apparently shab just just sat there and didn't do anything like can you explain what happened or do you watch it or do you know what happened?

As far as Brendan and Shob? Yeah. When was the fight? Yesterday. I didn't watch no. I don't know. You watch a old UFC fight? No, no. Yeah, maybe it was an old. What event? No, it was on the same card. It was Manda Morris 2 and it was

Shob versus Cyborg. And apparently, I didn't know Brendan had been released. He hadn't. He had. He didn't be released. He's fighting. He's still in the UFC. But, oh, so I'll tell you.

What he said was, is he went in, knowing that Cyborg fucked people up and was, like, really great. So his goal was to not get submitted, and he just kind of, like, played around with him. And they, like, it just ended in a stalemate. But Cyborg was pissed at the end. He said, like, he only doesn't, he never saw anyone do anything like that. He only goes to fights where people are going to fight, and he was pissed off. I didn't even know. Well, I mean, it's, I mean, in Cyborg's defense, I mean, I know Brendan.

and I think Brendan's a nice guy. Excuse me. Cyborg is obviously one of the best jih Tjitsu guys in the world. It's hard to submit a person who doesn't want to engage you. Brendan's a great athlete, you know, former professional football player,

250-pound kid, obviously, has grappling knowledge. And, you know, I think it's not impossible to get through a match when you don't take any chances when you're not trying to win the match. So if that's exactly what went down, you know,

I guess if his goal was not to be submitted, that's cool. But, you know, the fans want to see you go after him. Brendan really had nothing to lose, so why not go out there? And even if he passes his guard, threatens him a couple times. That almost says more than kind of sitting in a guard and just locking it down and hoping the time runs out. Yeah, that's what that's what Cyborg said he did. So I didn't know if you guys watched the rest of the card or not. But, yeah, that was crazy.

I would love to see this thing. It was an awesome card in the Aoki and Kron match. was one that I definitely wanted to check out. How long have you been involved with Jiu-Jitsu now, John Rallo? Since 97, you know, 98. And you're an original? It was the first time I competed, and I met Henzzo in 99, and I've been with him ever since.

And you used to go up to New York and train? Yeah, man, three days a week from Baltimore. You know, it's basically a three-hour ride, so Monday, Wednesday, and Saturdays, I would go to New York. I would either go to Manhattan, the train Henzos, Sean Alvarez was in Westchester, and Ricardo Almeida's in Jersey. So I would go to New York on Monday and Wednesdays, and in the beginning, Saturdays too.

And then as, you know, my career went on and I started to meet more of the guys, you know, I would go to Henzo's a couple days, and then Saturdays I would hit Ricardo since it was about a half hour closer for me. You know, my school was small back then, so, you know, we only had class ourselves on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. So it allowed me to, you know, to get up there and get. my education. You know, that's my college degree by black belt from Henzo. So, and, uh, you know, obviously you can put a lot of road work in and a lot of time in to, uh, you know, and but I've got all my promotions from Henzo and something that I'm super proud of because, you know,

people know that Henzer doesn't just say it belts out. So, you know, the fact that he thought enough of me to give me a black belt is obviously, uh, a great honor. Damn, fucking you and another crazy motherfucker. Matt Sarah told me he used to one. When he first got into Jiu-Jitsu, Matt Sair would drive from Long Island to Red Bank, New Jersey, to learn Jiu-Jitsu. I go down the fucking corner, and I feel like that. You guys got a lot to talk about because his family was into traditional martial arts, a lot of karate. Right, right, right. No, he told me about that.

Yeah, yeah, he was saying. But he said that when he first got into Jiu-Jitsu, he would have to go from whatever he lives in Long Island all the way to Jersey, South Jersey, on Sundays. On Sundays, it was once a week. That's right. That's right. It was once a fucking week.

That's amazing. Yep. That's amazing. When I first met Hennzo, he was renting from a karate school. So he was like on West 25th, I believe, and it was a karate,

I mean, a straight-up karate school. You walked in there saw numtucks, throwing stars, all that stuff, and he would rent Matt's pace from them. And honestly,

Matt, he was like one of the first people I met when I was going there. I actually got to, wrestled Dan Merglietta. He used to run an amateur MMA show and he ran grappling tournaments. Wow.

Excuse me. And my first big tournament win was called the East Coast Rappers Cup. And that was Dan's tournament. And I beat, I was a white belt. I actually beat a purple from Hanzos in the heavyweight division and I beat one in the absolute division. So at that point, he had asked me if I was interested in coming to train, you know, with them.

and I didn't know Henzo well then. I kind of thought, man, I'm going to come up here. I'm going to have 50 guys in the line waiting for me until they get me. So kind of blew them off. And then two weeks later, I went to the Grappler's Quest. I wound up winning that. At the time, their big rival was a team called Takai. They were a Carlson school.

And I submitted their guy in the finals. And Henzo was there, and he was like, you're that thing that pays the streets. Him and Ricardo sat and watched my match. And Ricardo said, yeah, a steamroller. So Henzo goes, you are a steamroller. After that match, he gave me his home phone number, his cell phone number, offered me to come up to train. At the time, my instructor was a Hicks and Gracie affiliate.

I had met him at a tournament that I jumped in, didn't have any experience. He was the ref. I went up with the thing just off my wrestling, and he asked me where I trained, didn't train anywhere. So hooked up with him, you know, within six months hooked up with Henzzo, convinced my instructor to talk to Hickson and see if we could switch affiliations, because Henzo was on the East Coast, and Hickson was in L.A. And, you know, Hickson gave us the blessing to switch over to Hensio and, you know, been with Henzo, you know, since, like, 99.

And you still go up to enroll from time and time, or you're busy? Yeah, absolutely. You know, I'll go up and see him. You know, Hensio, besides Jiu-Git-Suh, man, he's been a great mentor to me, and he's a friend. And when I saw you the last time in New Jersey, you know, I came to see you and Joe perform and then went to the son in John Jones matchup in New Jersey.

And, you know, I stayed at Henzow's house, you know, Friday and Saturday night. So, you know, he's become a great friend as well as a mentor. And now I'm happy to have a dude like that in my life. You know, he's super positive, very, very smart guy. You know, he brings the level, the energy in the room up when he comes into it. So, you know, I'm thankful to have him around and to be able to call him if I want to bounce something off of them. You're a fucking sad.

Now, tell me about these events you've been doing because we've been friends for a long time, and I remember you telling me in the beginning, and they got bigger and bigger, and you're selling it out. Now look at you, your fucking showgun or Harlem. Yeah, we're doing, you know, this is my eighth one.

October will be the night. I personally think we're the biggest regional show around. You know, we do anywhere from 4,000 to 6,000 people at our events. and I don't have, you know, the name brand people like Chuck LaDelle, like, you know, George St. Pierre fighting. So the fact that we can bring in, you know, 5,000 people to the First Marin Arena arena, which is the big venue here. Like, that's where Jay-Z would play. It's where Motley Crew would play.

You know, if it's a big concert coming here, that's where they go. You know, it's been an amazing ride for us. We've developed some talent. You know, guys like Dustin Pegg have made it into the UFC on the Ultimate Fighter show. uh, Zach Davis, another kid, one from our show to the ultimate fighter.

Cody, uh, Donovan, he's currently fighting in the UFC. I think he's won his first two fights. He's fought for us. So, you know,

I'm not delusional. I'm not a guy here trying to compete with the UFC. I'm a guy here hoping to give guys in our region, the proper exposure and the proper, uh, opportunities to be able to get some experience fighting in front of a large crowd. And maybe one day, you know,

a guy like we have, you know, like Frankie Edgar, you know, maybe we'll have a guy from this region who's a world champion, and I'll be able to say fights on Shogun. You know, but we've had like five, six guys on to the UFC. We've probably had a good 10 or 15 guys who have fought in Bellator. My crowds are actually bigger than Bellator's crowds, but I just don't do the frequency of events that they do because I don't have Viacom back in me.

So, you know, any TV people out there that, you know, want to get involved, let me know. But again, the UFC's great. You know, Mark Ratner came down and testified for me when we were getting mixed martial arts legal here. I actually had to lobby and go before the Senate and the House of Delegates and speak here in the state capital in Annapolis when we were getting the law passed. Michael Mersh also came down, who's the attorney for the UFC. Both of these guys couldn't have been more helpful. We're very supportive.

Actually, thank me because they were like, man, if everybody has, we didn't even have to. to be here. You know, you had everything, all the legwork done already. So, you know, I used to call them and ask for dates. You know, that way I would try to avoid UFCs as well. But now they do so many shows, you know, and I have to take what's available to me at the arena. So sometimes, you know, the shows overlap. But I do my best not to because I'm here to promote the sport, not to try and compete, you know, with the, you know, the NFL of mixed martial arts. You're a bad motherfucker, John Rala. John Rala.

I'm trying, my man. I'm crying. What are you weighing at now? Oh, I'm about 280, 285. Are you still a rock of fucking Gibraltar? Yeah, you know, I do what I can. So, yeah, I try to stay in shape, still roll with the guys. Now besides... I obviously don't have time to train like a, you know, like a fighter,

but hell I'm a 44-year-old man now and trying to make my money with my brain instead of getting hit in the face. The other thing about you is you got a great tattoo in the back of, you know, Jesus choking out the devil and all that stuff. Yeah. But the best thing about you is that we share common interests is on love for the fucking cats. Oh, yeah, bro.

You know, real men love cats. Oh, my God. You know, the other guys got pissed. You know, De Niro, I always use this line, but De Niro and Meet the Parents. When he was riding with Ben Stiller, he told it, you know, he says everybody, dogs are whores. You got to earn a cat's respect. So, you know, a dog will let anybody pet him. But a cat, you know, he's going to be.

It'll be a little leery just to come up and let you get involved. He's going to have to see your RA before he accepts you into the circle. There's a cat in the house that keeps pissing on my fucking fan when I turn it off. And I think he doesn't like when I turn the fan on the room because he has to leave. I can't figure out who it was. So it was between Super Bad and Harry. So the other day, I get in my office. I'm having the worst day of my fucking life.

And there's Cat P on the fucking fan. This time, they pissed on the fan while it was up. so it splattered against the fucking wall. So basically, I called my wife and I go, when you get home, one of the cats are going to be dead. She goes, what happened? I'm just killing one of these motherfuckers today. So I sat there with the baby steaming until she walked in.

I gave her the baby. I picked super bad up. I brought him in there. I made him sniff to pee, and I spanked him twice. Then I picked up Harry. I did the same fucking thing. Why I don't know. Yeah, they say they don't know what.

At that point, they don't know what's up. I'll tell you what. You know, we both have a passion for the cats, and the mayor here actually asked me to do a anti-animal violence campaign a few years back, and it's still going on. You know, where they say only a punk would hurt a cat or a dog, you know, because animal abuse actually went up after the Michael Vick ordeal because young kids in the city saw him doing what he was doing,

the pit bulls, and they all thought, you know, well, it must be cool with these big athletes doing this stuff. Yeah, really? Yeah, man, they had a campaign here. in Maryland and Baltimore, I think, if I'm not mistaken, this is the first place where they can actually put you in jail. Like they made a straight-up statute here about animal abuse and you can get jail time for it. So, you know, the mayor is very, you know, she's a real pro-animal. The first three people she has for myself, Adam Jones, who plays for the Orioles and

Jared Johnson, who at the time was with the Ravens. And, you know, it's been a great experience for me. It led me to do work with an adoption service here called Barks. There are no-kill rescue here in Baltimore. And, you know, it's been real fulfilling. Like, as many people go around, recognize me from the

mixed martial arts stuff in Baltimore, has recognized me from the billboards and the bus stop posters they had of me holding my cat dovy. And, you know, basically, you know, with that slogan, you know, only a punk with her cat or a dog. And the poster got a huge

response because I'm a 285 pound, you know, six foot two, tatted up, you know, kind of, Jerry can tell you I'm not a small guy, so to see me in a tank top holding my little tuxedo cat, you know, it got a big response because people would expect you just to hold the dog. So it led to me doing the show Must Love Cats and adopting. I watched out of that, yeah. Yeah, so it was all pretty cool and, you know, any time you can help. You know, an animal, it's always my opinion, Joe. And people that don't know the dude I'm talking to has the biggest heart in the world.

You know, he's the nicest person you'll ever meet. And when you bring a dog or a cat into your house, that animal is now part of your family. You know, they didn't ask you to bring them there. So once you bring them in, it's your responsibility to take care of them. You know, and if you're a piece of shit who's beating on your dog or beating on your cat, do that cat to somebody who will love it, you know what I'm saying? Because it's not fair to the animal. and it's not a good example to set for the people that are around.

It's amazing how, like I was saying, I felt guilty the rest of the week. Even today, I felt super, on the way out, I seen super bad, and I kissed him and I hugged him. And I can tell he genuinely loves me. My wife came home the other day, and she goes to me, hey, how attached are you to Gray? You know, Gray is the last one we brought in. She's a beautiful tuxedo. She's black and white. When we brought her in, she was about seven.

John Rodel, she sleeps with me every night, and as soon as I turn over in bed, she's as happy as can be that I'm awake. She jumps on me. She meows until she's fucking dizzy when I wake up. Plus, her tail gets swollen like she's ready to fight. And I have to hug and calm it down. I really do. So I looked at my wife and I go, listen, I'm not that attached to fucking gray.

But let me tell you a fucking story. When I wake up in the morning, Gray's right there. Like, if Gray was a woman, she'd suck my dick. That's how happy Gray is when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes she falls asleep on the chair, and she leaps on the bed for me to hug her in the morning when I wake up. How the fuck are you going to ask me to give up fucking Gray? Right. And she goes, I get it, bro.

She goes, I get it, I get it. I go, I got cats I raise his fucking kitten and then I won't jump on the fucking bedding. You know, we took Gray from outside. She got attacked by an animal and the landlord said, I can't keep her in the house because the dogs are attacking her at night. How can you give up my little neighbor cat?

We washed her up, and she's fucking beautiful now. Sometimes I have the baby in the left arm and she'll jump and get on my right arm. That's how fucking great and sweet she is. Yeah, I'm still amazed at that, that you have the baby. And not that I'm surprised that you'll be a good father, but I know. You still have the baby.

You weren't sure, you know, if you were going to have one or not. Oh, my God. You and your wife, God bless her, you know, to be able to put up with your crazy ass for all these years. But, you know, you guys are great people. You know, I'm glad to see that you were able to have the baby. You know, there's plenty of people out there who have kids. really don't deserve them. So, you know, I'm glad to see you guys, you know,

I know how you were with your animals, and it's only going to be even more so, you know, with your baby. So, you know, congratulations. So, Rala, when is the next event? The next one's October 26th. And you have the card ready yet? Still, cars developing? Some of that.

The big fight on there is probably going to be, we had a guy, John Murphy. They used to call a man of faith. He fought on a bully beat down like three times, on the Elite XC. You know, he's a heavyweight fighter. And there's another kid in Jersey that's asking to fight him, and there's a kid in

Delaware, Joe Stripling, who they each fought each other in a moitam match back in the day, and he wants another crack at him in a mixed martial arts match. So it could be Joe Stripling, too. But, you know, everybody loves a freak show. They'd like to see the heavyweights. John's a big, good looking, marketable guy. He's got skills.

You know, some of the bigger shows, and, you know, we're excited to have him back on uh you know on you know in our cage and you know we've always had guests come down you know cowboys been here um mike brown leonar garcia um you know henzo's been here a few times matt sarah's been down anthony johnson you know had been down for the last one and speaking of matt you know i'm going to talk to him as well but you know we wish him good health you know matt had uh some blood clot issues uh the week of shogun he wasn't able to come down here and if people

Saul, he actually announced his retirement for mixed martial arts due to the, you know, the health problems that he was having. He's doing well now. And it's like I told Matt, you know, when he called me and was he was so apologetic because we're friends, you know, it's not like I'm paying this man to come. He comes down because he's a buddy of mine. And, you know, he's got a wife and three kids. So it's like I told him it's more important for you to be ready to take care of your family,

you know, than to come down here, you know, we'll get you down here another time. So, you know, well-washed out there to Matt and Sarah. So John Rallo, I won't be back in Baltimore until fucking January or until February to do some comedies. So I don't know what I'm going to see you again, but I'm happy you called up today. I'm happy I got a hold of you to put this together. I'm very proud of you being in Blackburn. I'm going to let the motherfuckers in Baltimore know John Rallo's there. What's the name of the schools now?

Yeah, the schools, ground control. Ground control. We've got four locations, yeah, one in Owings Mills, one in Columbia, of Maryland, one in Bel Air and one in Baltimore. So four gyms out there, Penzo Gracie, Jiu-Jitsu, and mixed martial arts. And again, Joey, you know, glad that I've gotten to know you over these years. I'm flattered that you would have me on. And please give my love to, you know, Joe and Ari and Eddie and the crew.

Don't get to see you guys as much as I would like to, but always a pleasure when I do. I have already give you a call. He's in your neck of the woods. so I'll come down and you know my door's always open when you're coming let me know bro I got you yeah he lives in Brooklyn now

for the summer nice I'll give him a call today and time to come down I thought I heard he was moving to New York so yeah so that's a good thing yeah so he's up there how's the Greek doing

he's no sky anyways you're from like D.C. area yeah he's right from your area there so yep and I'll be in D.C. I'll be in D.C. in August at the Improv Joey hit me up man

yeah we'll figure something up up right from here okay done Done. I love you, John Rowell. Thank you for calling up there, my man. Thank you, good luck. Much love always. All right, my man. Love you too. Bye-bye. What's up, Cockleyca? How are you doing?

I'm doing good. You're not high? You're not crying. You want a little piece? No. Let's flip that last little piece. No. You eat it and I'll talk about Hulu Plus for a second. You, all right, talk.

No, I just, I've been looking on, and they have the Cosby show on there. So just again. The old school Cosby Show. What about the stand-up specials? No, they don't have stand-up. But, no, actually, they do have the Comedy Central half hours. But, so brought to you by Hulu Plus. It's easy.

Go to Huluplus.com slash Joey, lowercase. You know that by now. Or you could go and go to Joey's website, joeycocoDiaz.net. Get the shirts. Also go to Hulu. Go to On It. And, uh, I literally look right now. They have the Cosby Show.

They have I love Lucy, which I fucking love. I love Lucy. And they have the ultimate fighter. They just have, they have everything you could want. Hulu has the ultimate fighter. I'm trying to look and see what season they have. I'm looking at it right now, yep. Yeah, it's the last season.

Yeah, the last season, you're right, yeah, yeah. So, they don't talk. Listen, I'm giving you two weeks for free. Hulu Plus is being so sweet. They're giving you two weeks for free. And if you join up after that, it's $7.99 a month. I knew, I looked the other day, and I knew the ultimate fighter was up there, but I got high and I forgot.

So I'm sorry, my apologies to you people. People, please, take advantage of this opportunity. You're not going to get this again. Two free weeks. Go to Huluplus.com or go to Joey Diaz.net. Go to my webpage. Go to Hulu Press. Joey, lowercase.

Do it now. Why fuck around? And just to thank you guys, we get updates every week and how we're doing it. And the people who have done it so far really, I mean, Joey and I get up at 5 in the morning. And it means a lot that you guys have been doing it. You know how to fuck. We all, listen, let me tell you something, people. I would not talk to you guys about anything that I wouldn't use myself.

A friend of the show just sent us jackets with a wallet holder and an iPod holder with his cell phone. We'll talk about that. My man, what's his name over here with the fucking beautiful T-shirts? He sent us to Foyer. You know how long I've known to Foyer since I started beating the Beast? He's got a beautiful new label. What's the label? Read them down to him.

This kid. It's called Nine Muse. And what's the website? Is there a website to Nine News? Yeah, it's nine, the number nine, Muse Co, M-U-S-E, C-O, The capital shouldn't matter. Listen, I can get people at me up all the time, this, that, take money.

I do it out of fucking love or if it's something good. Hulu Plus is something good. On it is getting fucking stronger and strong on a daily basis. Did you guys know that you got the ultimate grocery guide now with Mike Doche on fucking... Oh, Doge's with them now? That's awesome. So I'm trying to get him to do the podcast. They got the fucking quarter-set mushrooms in that Shroom Tech.

And I'll tell you what's really good. I'm hearing really good things about that T-plus testosterone that. Onet's got, go to fucking Onit. Cut this shit. We're giving you Hulu Plus. On it. Go to Onet. Press Church in the box.

Get 10% on, 20% of. Get emails. All that fucking fun shit. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? It's Monday morning. People get up. Wash it. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive.

What are we talking about? We're talking about Julia Serving. We're talking about John Rowlo. What else are we talking about? No, no, no, that's what we're talking about. But, no, and it's crazy how things change, because as people know, the girl thing happened a couple weeks ago, but I've been talking to this other one, and it's amazing when you have, like, the positive, like, I had the positive change where I actually told the girl I liked her, and it didn't work out, but now I'm talking to another one, and it's, uh, see, I, I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's weird how stuff can change so quickly, so it's, uh, for people who are scared of doing things, just one little change really makes a difference. You know, you gotta be honest with yourself. You know, I was thinking about, I'm writing this fucking book.

And I finished my stepfather's thing. I was thinking about that story I told the other night, like about when I found my mother and, you know, the acid and all that shit. And I thought, and now I'm writing the days after that, like how I felt for a year. Like it was, it's how I feel with my daughter now. When I look at my daughter when we were in Chipotle yesterday, it feels like a fucking dream. It feels like I'm gonna wake up and go, Terry. You're not gonna leave the dream.

I got a five-month-old fucking baby. You know, sometimes life feels like a dream. It's good or bad. You know, I'm talking to my friend that his wife died. His wife died about a month ago. And I've been talking to him at least twice a week because I know what he's going through. And it's like when somebody passes away that's close to you,

and you walk in that bathroom and then I'm in that bathroom, and then I'm in that bathroom no more. And you really want to smell that person one more time. And, you know, I'm listening to you. words i just call him to hear him vent there's nothing i could say this fucking guy i call him to hear invent because no i couldn't vent anybody because at that age i thought it was too tough i had to show people that i couldn't vent that i could handle this but me inside i was falling apart on the outside i was handling it you know but uh it's so weird how i listen to this grown

man talk about all these things how he misses and it's like a dream for him so sometimes somebody asses in your life. It's like a fucking dream that they pass. You're saying, what am I going to wake up from this dream? This person, it's like this kid that I thought about this morning. Everybody's special. You come in contact in this life with. Fucking we're all special. You don't

know. One of us is going to leave. I might go home right now and the drunk guys out of him Sunday night and hit my fucking car. And you and me were giggling on the way out or we were having an argument on the way out about eat the fucking edible. And eat it again. There's one piece left. There's no more pieces left. There's one piece. You wouldn't let me leave the piece.

But there's one crumb. No, no, that's a huge piece that you didn't cut up for yourself. I'm just right here. Look. Go for him. Yeah. You're fucking crazy. You know, people come and go in your life.

And you never know. Like, I miss this kid right now. I really miss him. He was that much of my life. My life will never be the changing. My life will never be the same again without Jimmy Burke or Buck. You move on. You move on, you grab your balls and you go, fuck it.

This is the fate I fucking decided. Let me give up some shoutouts of some soldiers here. Oh, boy, I can't read this. Paris Vicious 696. Ari Gold. Andy Rue. Kevin Honeycutt. Dead Squad all over.

Whether it's Harlem, Grand Rapids, Illinois, debt squad, Iowa. I love all you crazy motherfuckers. Bill Hoyler, Jambi, Aaron Barton, Joshan McKinsky, and Kevin Gittman. I love you,

motherfuckers. And that's the way we do it. What are you going to do? You know what I'm saying? You want to sit here and stare at me and cry? It's Monday. Grab your dick. Realize why God put you on this motherfucking planet.

And do something good. Call Votech. You know what? I got to call to L.A. Valley College. Why? Because I'm going to take some history courses. I'm sick and tired of being a fucking idiot. Why didn't you?

I'm sick and tired of being a fucking idiot. Out of everything you could take. Sick and fucking tired of being. I'm going to take a grammar class. Sick and tired of being a fucking idiot. How am I going to raise a daughter with it? I don't know nothing. Don't be, don't take grammar.

That would ruin the whole. No, man. I got to be sick and tired of being a fucking moron. You know what's crazy? I was a history major, man. How the fucking I forget this shit, man? You're not supposed to forget this shit? Wait.

I'm a history major. I think an economics major. No, before I was an econ major. history maids. I wanted to be a stupid fucking attorney. I became an econ major. I switched because I had to because I thought I was going to be an economist. I didn't fucking know. I didn't know. You're going to go to class

and do homework? Once a week, yeah. I got to take a class on world history. I got to start from fucking scratchly. When you're an idiot, you're a fucking idiot. And that's it. When you're an idiot, you're an idiot. I'm going to take world history. What class you can take? I'm going to take world history in U.S. political systems. Are you going to raise your hand and answer questions?

Fuck yeah. Really? Fuck yeah. I put my pants on like everybody else My $89 of credit It's just as much as you're $89 I'm gonna take every fucking opportunity of it I'm sick and tired of remembering how I'm How can you remember mugging a hooker and light

A wig on fire But you can't remember the fucking third president of the United States That's fucking embarrassing I'm a fucking American And if you're an American You don't know these things Fuck you too Fuck you

So why are you taking world history You take American history I'm taking American history in world history because I want to go over the wars again and how this shit started and the whole fucking thing. I'm not stupid. I don't know how World War I started. I'm not, I'm a fucking

shame to say that people. But if I couldn't admit it to you, I can't admit it to nobody. I'm ashamed around my fucking wife. My wife knows everything. She'll watch CNN and all those political reports. I don't know why a Democrat's a Democrat or fucking a senator as a senator.

You know, this was my life at one time. When you come from this country, this is what you want to You don't give a fuck about anything else. You want to know everything you can about the political systems and the governments and the city governments and how it breaks down. That's the interesting shit about my life that I fucking love. And now I don't know nothing. I don't know what number of President McKinley is. I don't know if I know Lickin, I know Kennedy, and I know Nixon.

Bush. What else do you need to know? You need to know, man. My brain's, I don't know if it's the edible or... You need to fucking know about history. You need to know. How can you be a parent? and you don't know about fucking English.

Where a comma goes. When you're supposed to use your instead of you are? You know, I forget where the fucking comma goes. How stupid can you fucking be? You're 24. You just graduated college. You still remember? I don't fucking know.

Have you seen my blogs when I first started writing? Yeah. How somebody didn't stop me and put a bullet in my fucking head. By the way, Omar, where the fuck you are, cuck, sucker? You better call me back. Don't make me hunch it down. I got a book we got to publish in fucking three or four months here. But anyway, this book is great for me.

What are you going to take next? Are you going to take like a language class? Like learn French or something? Well, I'm going to try to take two classes in the fall. I'm going to see what the scheduling is. And I'm going to keep going until my daughter's five or six. Really? How can I set an example?

How can I set an example? You've got to be excited about this shit. I have so many opportunities. I work on the weekends. Yeah. I have all these opportunities to spend time with my daughter. Well, how can I not be, you know? I got to do this late.

Do they like a person? Do they like smoke joints? during class? No, they don't let you smoke joints, but I'll eat in edible, you fucking cuck. Will you really? Why don't you call Valley's college and wrap me out?

You fucking crime stopper. You fucking Sammy the bull. I can't believe people. This is the country we're living that when you want to better yourself, people laugh at you. This happens every day in society at every American table.

A kid comes home, tells his father he wants to play the piano and father's like, what do you want to suck dick? You know what I'm saying? I'm not making funny. I just... Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

This is what I'm talking about. as he eats another piece of the edible look you hurt my feelings no no it's great I'm just I would if people had said what is Joey Diaz

is going to tell you at 7 a.m. and gave me a thousand options one of them would never have been him going back to college I'm like Bonnie Dangafil I'm not for school bitch that's awesome do you think

homework's gonna last I can't see you doing homework if you pay attention in class homework is very easy if you pay attention and make a couple notes during class and you stay on your thing I think it's changed since you went to school

well to be honest I think I'm going to take one class just to get my feet No one's gone down No well I was thinking about taking something in the summer I'm only going out of town for three or four weeks in the summer Okay

So I was thinking that's awesome about it I'm a fucking idiot I kind of want to know How long can you be a fucking idiot for Not you How long How long can you walk around Knowing that you're a fucking idiot

How long do you walk around knowing you can't get into a conversation about politics because you're embarrassed. How long do you walk around and you can't use an analogy about a president or you don't know about the eighth president? When does this happen? This has been happening. This has been fucking happening. And now that I have a child, I have to set an example.

Now that I have you, you're like a son. You're 24. You're half-retard of yourself. Yeah, but I got to know this. I'm 26 years your elder. Did you know that? Yeah, but people who go to college wish they could like talk about stuff like you. Like, no one...

Fucking talk. Everybody wants to talk about eating ass and sucking a straw. Yes. What if you ever went anywhere? No. No. When have you been out of a comedy club? And someone's like, hey, do you think this is like Garfield, the eighth president?

Or do you think this is like the sixth president? Like... Doesn't matter. Just the fact that I don't know it. Just the fact that you don't know it. Just the fucking facts. I can't join a conversation about a war. I can't join a conversation about a fucking something that's going on in Iran or Iraq.

You know right now I don't even know where they're fighting. I'm so fucking confused. No one in this country knows where they're fighting. I don't even know where they're fighting anymore. I know it's not Iran because that's where Maj Gibran is from. It's Iraq. Okay. Well, yeah, I think they pulled out of Iraq.

They pulled out of Iraq. These are things I should be on top of as an American. Even if I don't discuss them. Just because I'm not a fucking smarmy guy and I don't have a scarf on. I don't smoke a cigarette with a fucking holder. Doesn't mean you're not supposed to know this people. You know when you're lacking. You know when you watch Jeopardy and you don't get one of the answers correct.

you're a dumb fuck you know when the last time I got an answer correct on Japanese when exactly that's my point every once in a while I got like a movie ride or a music something right but I don't know nothing about what they're talking about like what river rest on fucking Gibraltar or what

river rest on the Lake Michigan you know nothing nothing well you can't have a river a little bit this I'm talking about people going through like this why do you fucking you know I'm saying so I'm just sick and tired and it's the same right now well you know if you're walking around if you're a fucking idiot.

If you're sitting there walking around, listen to a cheap trick, and you're getting on a train, you know if you're a fucking idiot, if you look at the paper, and you're like, what are they talking about? And that's what I feel like half the time. And I try to read. I try to read New York Times. They always said that reading in New York Times for four years will give you more of an education and

going to college for four years. This is what they say. You know what I'm saying? But you ever try to read the New York fucking Times? No. It's boring. Oh, yeah. Like, that's why I could, like, if you were going to tell me you're going to school, I thought you'd tell me, I'm going to watch Jeopardy Monday through Friday, I'm going to read the news, like I would never, like, it's not,

it's like it's an inspiring thing. I'm not making fun. I just, I couldn't believe you're going to do it. You can't walk around being a fucking moron all your life. After a while, eventually you got to raise your hand and go, you know what, I've accepted that I'm a fucking moron and I got to do something about it. You know, community college ain't going to help me because they don't have, I just want to know basic knowledge again. It's very sad that the other day, my short, term memories going. You know, we all have a good time. Joey's the eat ined-eat-able. My fucking short-term memories go. So is mine.

It's going, people. There's times I get home and I can't remember what I ate for lunch to put in my weight watcher guide. You know, I write my points every day. I can't fucking remember. So, and then when they talk about politics, I got to ask my wife like a stupid question. You know how it is to ask your wife for you, let your

wife know you're really a fucking moron? Do you know how hard that is? You could con people. I would never think that would bother you. Oh, it bothers me that she fucking knows a lot the shit that I knew you to fucking know and forgot. She's not smart than me. I just forgot that shit. Have you thought about calling Colorado

and seeing what classes you need to actually like finish a degree? They could do that. That could be cool. It's embarrassing. They don't want to hear from me. No one who works there knows you. Like I mean, no one who works there was there and was like your old professor was like you could have been something like that.

You should do that. If you're going to take classes, I'm not you like, why waste your money? You should call them and see what questions are here? Because I know what I need. I know what I need. I know what I need, basically. I know what I need. I don't need to take an econ class.

I don't need to take a philosophy class on Socrates. I did watch Clash with the Titans the Odd Denny original. That's a badass motherfucker. The new one's garbage. Yeah, the new one's fucking garbage. You watch that fucking old one with Medusa and shit. Damn, that's a good fucking. And something else.

You people always like when I give you great movie reviews. Before I go, I got to give you a great fucking review. Last week, I'm sitting there with the baby and Juana comes at 10 and it's 10 to fucking 10 and I see Stripes is coming up. Oh, okay? I love stripes.

I started watching it with my daughter and I watched the first fucking 10 minutes when he throws a lady out of the cab Bill Murray and then when they show Harold fucking Ramis teaching immigrants English, right? But then they saw him fucking going to the Army thing

at the bus station. Yeah. And when John Kennedy walks in, it was, and he asked him, what was the movie on the flight? You know, he's got the scarf on and the fucking Valour jacket and the fucking sunglasses. I had to turn it off, and I started crying because I knew the brilliance that was coming. But I taped it. And that night I went to Yum Yum Donuts. And me and my wife watched the first hour, because we liked the part that he goes to Germany. Yeah.

John Candy Look, a few motherfuckers that went to see Hangover 3 and think Bradley Cooper and the guy with the beard are hilarious. Listen, just take a knife and stick it in your fucking throat like a magician.

Hopefully, they'll slice the back of your fucking Adam's apple, you fucking moron. Put on stripes and see what real comedy brilliance is. It's a great movie. See when John Candy's telling the fucking guy that they join in your army because he want to lose weight.

Because if he goes to a fact cap, it's 400. and I realized that was broke. So I said, what the hell? Let me join the Army. Lose a couple pounds. That whole story, that whole monologue, watch what brilliance is. Watch what real comedy brilliance is.

You people that think all these people are funny, the other than the air, Joey, you know, listen, nothing. John Candy was fucking brilliant. Harold Ramis was so fucking good this movie. Howard Ramis was like the Flying Jew. Because Howard Ramis is really a writer. He wrote Stripes, he wrote Ghostbusters.

He was so fucking good. Stripes. Bill Murray was fucking brilliant in Stripes. So next time you guys want to watch Brilliant and say, oh my God, hang over Thorn, the Chinese guy takes his dick out. Do yourself a fucking favor. Stick a

chopstick in your fucking ear. Hopefully it'll go through your brain. But before you do that, watch Stripes and see what real comedy, Brilliant says. You understand me? He directed Groundhog Day. Who? Harold Raymond. Yes, he fucking did. And they analyzed this and that movie. Yeah, I was there with him. I was there. That's the biggest

And Caddyshack. Listen, dog, they cannot talk to me. I talked to Harold Rambers. He told me the fucking recipe. Even though Analyze Dad as an Academy Award winner, even though I had a scene, I spent two fucking days asking that fucking little moron questions. He talked to me more about balls.

That little fucking Jew showed me more about balls than fucking having comedy. And I learned in 10 years. When I came back from doing that movie, so what? Nothing happened. You know what happened? I worked with one of the greatest comedy minds.

of all time period and he gave me balls and he told me to stick this motherfucker out that he was part of the original Sinole live cast but they didn't like him on Sinole live so they didn't hire him think of what it's like when they hire all five of your friends and you don't get the fucking job what you feel like that motherfucker turning around and wrote stripes Ghostbusters vacation he wrote like 20 fucking movies so that's when you show that's how you show people that you're a bad motherfucker you don't threaten them you don't call them stupid you say a prayer for them for not hiring you because what you're about

to do is something fucking great And that's what you told me. Just be the funniest motherfucker you can. Fuck Montreal and fuck these agents. They don't know nothing. They don't know nothing. They're like a fucking lottery ticket winner. That's all they are.

You keep writing, keep doing your fucking thing and believe in yourself. Whether you're a plumber, a fucking lawyer, a fucking engineer, you're just sitting there IT in on a computer. You got a dream. Go for it. Don't let fucking nobody deter you. That's what they try to do, the Harold Ramirez. That's why it rubs off on me, and it's going to rub off on you. It's fucking Monday.

Go out there. Staps. somebody in the fucking neck. Be a man. What's up, cocksucker? Tell me about Hulu. Tell me about Honit. Honest's got some shit cracking. Go over there, see what Doche is doing. Get the mushroom blend of the

Shroom Tech. Sport and immune. Support and immune. Not support the immune. I said support. I'm sorry. Fucking animals. Don't blend on the animals. You didn't even that hot. What's the what's the plans? No, what's the

What's a plant major? Geologist. A botanist. You should take botany classes. Yeah, right, good. Why? You know what I should do? What is that?

I become a dual major. A botanist and an underwater biologist. Why don't I do that? No. What do you think? Then you can grow weed underwater. Oh, shit. You know, I love you.

Underwater weed, Joe. Listen to me. 2015. Listen to me, you bad motherfuckers. Salt Lake City, you bad motherfuckers. Moab and all the cities around you. I'll be there Friday night with the second show. already sold out.

Bam. I'm your heart guy. And the first show's got a few tickets left. Jump on those. The following week, I'm with you badass motherfucking rednecks down in Lexington, Kentucky. Paducah. I better see you motherfuckers at the show.

I know it's three hours away. I ain't fucking around. Lexington. All you, I'm there. I'm there with you on the campus. I'll be with your fucking UK. So come on down. Cocksucker the week after that.

I'm in San Jose, my main man. Lee, Lee, boom, boom. Sayat. Go to Joey Dears.net. Go to fucking Hulu. Pressing Joey lowercase. Get two free weeks and a membership for $7.99 a month.

It's not even a membership. It's like fucking $0.00. That's $8 fucking dollars. That's eight movies for a dollar. And eight TV shows for a dollar. You know what? Sixty two of them. Stop being a fucking mo-mo.

Go to honor. Get the kettle bells. Look at the new Doche grocery. DoHonet is the future for health and nutrition. Don't fuck around. Number three, what else can these people do this week? They can go do testicle testicles. They can do testicle testament.

You can do a bunch of shit. You don't have to be out with these fucking losers wasting your time. Get some rest, drink some water, get your dick sucked, and get your pussy eaten. It's a whole new week. It's a whole new set of rules. The Red Devil is here. My main man, the fucking flying Jew. I love you, Cocksuckers.

Have a great day. Thank you for coming and rocking with us this morning. I don't even know what I'm talking about it. Look at this room. I tried to take a picture of it didn't work. It's the fucking smokiest room in the world. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus

and start watching your favorite hit shows right now. Go to JoeyDiaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial or go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. Again, the banner at joeydiaz.net or Huluplus.com slash Joey lowercase. Don't forget we got eight edibles left. We'll eat these on Wednesday.

Oh shit. They'll be gone by tonight. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What percentage of your... Shut up, bitch! This is Michael Jackson! It's like 60% of the...

Before the molestation case. It's at least half. I love you, Lee Cox. I have a good day. You ain't high. Oh, shit. Let me see you do some jumping, Jackson. Pants are gonna fall down.

Come on, Lee. Well, we're underwear this one. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Golly. He's a bad motherfuckerfly. My pants. My pants are going to fall down.

Have a great day. Thank you. Thank you. I love you, motherfuckers. Stay black and beautiful. Hate me.