The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 06/19/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #90

Episode Date: June 20, 2013

Omar, the editor of Joey's book calls in to talk about the thought behind the book and to give a status update. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 06/19/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, S&L, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's that time of the motherfucking day.

Wednesday, June, what the fuck is it? 19th, 2013. Where the fuck are you, motherfucker? Watch that pussy. Get up. Hit it. Oh shit. Here we go, motherfuckers.

What? Listen to this shit. Oh, oh shit. Fuck Abe Lincoln and fuck on. This is fucking history right here. Hit it. Oh, you think he was smoking sativas or fucking out? He didn't give a fuck!

Here we go. There you go, Liza, I'd kill that motherfucker. I said, we're starting a Wednesday morning here, chopping fucking mountains down. How old was he when he passed away? Who gives a fuck? But he was young. He was young, man. He was like 20-something maybe.

Two-Pock was 25. These motherfuckers, the government took him out young. So if you... Next time you think they'll listen to your emails, these motherfuckers got killed by the government for playing the fucking guitar. Welcome to Eddie Bravo Radio. I tried to... I just threw that roch away, my mistake.

You got me all hot. I'm sticky here. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get up. Wednesday, June, whatever the fuck it is. 19th. What's happening, Lisa, yeah? How's the juicing going? Feeling great. I'm not juicing right now. It's kind of like the way you do, like the On It stuff. After a while of doing it, I'm kind of getting...

I get sick of it. So we're going to start My Fit Foods. I'm starting at July 5th. And after that, maybe I'll use again. Why, July? 5th, June fucking 17th. Why is it always 9 weeks away? Because we're going, because it's a 21-day program. Right.

And we're going to San Jose before then. And then the 4th of July. So, I'm on June. Are you swimming yesterday? No, I didn't swim yesterday. When is it going to continue? What is it going to end? I don't know, man. I'm lazy. Beautiful fucking day. Beautiful fucking day. It is. But I also,

I also work 12 hours a day and then I do on Tuesday, on Mondays and Wednesdays. What 12 hours do you do? You go on at 6? I go on. I have to leave here at 5. I work a 10-hour shift And then I come back So maybe it's an 11-half hour day All right

And you still don't have 10 minutes For your health To jump in the fucking pool I'm eating healthier I did you see at Yum Yum Donuts You call me You forgot what you're gonna say And then you call me back

You're like I remembered They got juice now They got fucking juice At Yum Yum Yum donuts You get a juice A beet juice And a chocolate donut for a dollar I fucking hate them

I fucking hate them Russian Jews love them Like that Red sweet things I fucking hate them And when that red juice dips into your food, I hate you even fucking more. There's like a cold soup. I can't remember what it's called.

But they put seven cream in. And Jews love it. I can't do it. And like my 90-year-old aunt made it. It's horrible. That shit's hard. I know exactly what you're talking about. Fucking horrid.

Yeah. I listen since a kid, listen. I fucking hate beats since I can remember. You understand me? I hate beats. I hate that red fucking water. You know, I like Kool-Aid, but I hate that red fucking water. the beats got when they dip like

they touch your mashed potatoes. I don't like nothing touching my mashed potatoes. Oh, you don't like that? Nothing. I don't like cranberry juice, cranberry sauce. I don't want nothing touching my mashed potatoes. That's a quickest way to start a war. Do you mix it up? I always always take it like a mashed potatoes, corn and chicken or whatever the meat

was. I would have it like all in one bite. You don't do that? Yeah, yeah. I like to get meatloaf and mix it with a mashed potato. With some ketchup with that motherfucker. Oh, I love meatloaf. Listen, I love fucking meatloaf. Oh, some good American fucking meatloat. God damn with some mashed potatoes and some cream corn with my laparangio I can't do cream corn I'm a corn no matter what I love corn so let me tell you what happened this week just so

you fucking know what happened so I went over to divine wellness on Monday right oh boy on some marins after the podcast I had to meet it I think I went to divine wellness at about one o'clock okay I came back over the hill I stopped in there and I get my my little fucking tut-to-roots my little bag of reefer and I get the uh the skywerews and I get the uh the Walker that's really good over there. And I get a bang bar, the mini bite, the 180. Okay. And I get these little chocolate one hits that they have.

These little dark chocolate, milk chocolate who got's little pills, they have. No big fucking deal. No big deal. So I pop them outside. I go home, I get my writing stuff, and I go over to the coffee shop. I'm sitting there writing mine in my own business. And it's starting to overwhelm me. I'm drinking green teas, and this fucking edible is starting to take me

creep and I'm smoking the vapor pen you know and that's when you call me the first time then probably no this is like two 30 in the afternoon yeah yeah no it was early still oh okay trust me I was so high I couldn't even call nobody I was getting higher by the minute I kept looking down

you get any writing done oh yeah that's when I fucking go crazy but as I'm evolving you know I'm giggling by myself that's how I know I'm getting something good when I'm giggling like the pen doesn't freak you out like sometimes when I do stuff like that I can't even like pick up my phone or something.

So I'm over there right and putting two pieces together. Let me tell you something. I was getting higher and high by the fucking minute. And I kept looking at the clock going, like I got to leave in 30 minutes. There's no fucking way. I would look at it. I got to leave in 20 minutes. There's no fucking way.

When I got to like five minutes, I'm like, I don't fucking get home. That's how fucking stone that was Monday. That's how edible that I was. And I went to Jiu-Jitsu. Did you want to go home? Slept for an hour. I was so hard. At 10 to 6, I told my wife, wake me up at 7.

She woke me up. I drank a cup of coffee. I washed my pussy. I sat there going, what am I going to do if I? I got to do one of the two. I either got a kickbox or go to Jiu-Jitsu. I sat there. I was fucking stone.

I said, fuck it. I went to Jiu-Too. I did Monday madness, and I did the roll. And I was fucking dying. And I got back, and that's when I was calling it. Even after Jiu-Jitsu, I was blazed. So what I did yesterday? I got the same combination.

Oh, Jesus. I ate dinner with my wife, and I was in bed at 9 o'clock last night. Stone to the gazelles. And did you have Dr. Amy yesterday? Mm-hmm. Jesus Christ. I got the cups. I got two doctors yesterday.

I had to go to a knee doctor yesterday. How's it doing? So they're going to shoot a fucking gel in my little kneecap in my right leg because I have a little arthritis still left in there. Yeah. So three weeks in a row, I got to drive to Marina fucking Del Rey, and they're going to shoot me. Can you imagine the shit driving?

I mean, that's like, are you fucking kidding me? I got to drive 40 miles to go get pain. Yeah. And I don't know if I can make it back. Like, I don't know. I was going to say, I'm surprised you like how the pain's worth it. The pain's not that bad. Listen, the pain's not that bad right now, but it's going to get worse.

Oh, I know it's worth it, but just knowing you how many traffic. Oh, but I'll do it like 12, so I have to leave my house at 1045. By 1045, it's pretty open. Yeah, you should be fine. You're taking a fucking chance. How long? Even if I faint at 12, but I got to sit there for an hour. Yeah.

I could make it home by 3 o'clock if I leave, so it's not fucking bad. But it's funny because I meet with this guy, John Salami, who's on Eddie Brab with Black Belt, but John's a fucking great guy. John used to run 10th Planet Portland. Okay. And he's back now, and today we're going to do some jiu-jitsu stuff. And it's funny how John and I are both in Jersey. He's maybe five years younger than I am, and we get together once a week,

and we just talk about, did you not meet with us one time? We just talk about different movies and different things that. I grew up with in Jersey. I don't think so. Since he really knows Jersey, we really talk about. And last week, we met, we were talking about the thing I always tell you in 85, the last three days I was in Jersey, when I found out that the Colombians that had Rob were looking for me. I found out that my stepfather was looking for me.

And then that last day, we were talking, we were laughing our asses off. So he told me to write something on that Tuesday. The Monday, when I ate the edibles, I swear to God, I went and wrote. And I wrote about my life. Today, Omar was going to call, who's the editor on my book that we're writing together. Yeah. It's funny that I was writing about a time of my life when it was so scaryly, I had to put the pen down and start breathing.

Like, it affected you that much? The other day. Like, it fucked me up to you. Like, when I got there, I was writing jokes. But sometimes my jokes aren't flowing, so I write something else. I pick a subject. And I'll write that subject out, and that'll give me ideas to write. write the jokes.

Oh, okay. So instead of sitting there staring up to the sky with a pen hitting your fucking teeth thinking you're writing something, something you know about. It could be about me and Lee's trip to New York. So I'll just write it out. We arrived in Newark. Lee fucking sat in 42nd Street. We had to pull him and then he missed the guy smoking the joint.

You'll never live that down. And then you add the color commentary. You put the funny words. You had the twist to it. So it's jogging my memory. Okay. But I'm thinking about when I moved. with the benders after my mother died

after like three months I had a little bit of money left to other people I'd give me at the funeral what's this ocean on it's a plane I thought it was a fucking ocean here lower that shit Lee one of your microphones just too hot I'm getting planes that flying over a burmack here that shit

Yeah it's right over my room That's amazing Tell him what's not ocean After it fell in the fucking ocean I thought it was a sponge bob sweatpants That was living the pineapple You had one of those chocolate pills already this morning didn't you?

No, I had nothing this morning. I just had a piece of bread and a protein shake. I had a little piece of Italian bread with butter and a protein shake. But it was a time, right, when John Lennon died, in 1980, you were still

an itching your daddy's pants. Yep. I was living with the benders. I was going to East Rouseburg. So get it. Let's say, let's pretend, let's pretend people. I was 17 years old.

Okay. I was selling ups. I was selling acid. I was selling mescaline. I was probably making $600 a week off the speed, the Black Beauties. I was probably making $900 off the masculine. A week? A week.

This is when I was a junior in high school. That's why I tell people, I was making more money when I was a kid than I haven't made ever fucking before. You should have a mansion in every state by now. Can you fucking believe that? But I wasn't making mansion money. I was making a couple hundred. Well, if you hadn't spent all that money on below over the years?

No, no, no. That was survival. When I was 16, it was survived. I didn't have a mommy and a daddy. So get that, it wasn't blow. No, no, but I'm saying it was like $50 a week. No, it wasn't blow. I was survival.

I didn't have a mom and a dad. I didn't cook. You don't cook. You eat it slight. You eat at Nix? When I was 17, I was eating at restaurants. You understand me? I didn't cook.

I didn't have nowhere to cook. So there was no blow. And blow was $40 that. I was living. I was buying my own clothes. You know what I'm saying? So don't even know. No, no, no.

When I was 17, when you guys are at home, mommy'd make me a sandwich, Joey was doing something completely different. You're following the same thing? So I'm sitting there and I'm thinking about it. I was doing that. I was probably going. five nights a week and I was doing everything else when I was 17 but there was a point

when I was 17 where I got mixed up with cops what do you need to hang it I started there was a guy I knew that he was just a dear friend of mine and he sold coke okay and when there went over there to buy coke from him and his cousin was there was a cop did that freak you out not at all not at all because I knew he should I could have been there he wasn't supposed to be there okay so he was supposed to be there he was there hanging out he wasn't there. Right, but they were cousins. Okay.

So he saw that I was friends with him, and he was like, he's cool. And I'm like, I'm cool. I'm just here to get some fucking blow like everybody else. And I got the blow, and a couple days later, the cop approached me. He goes, listen, man, that was really a flute that you saw me over there. So what I want you to do is this. From now on, I'm going to stop by the basketball courts in the daytime. Yeah.

I'm going to give you money. And you're going to go over there right in the daytime, pick up Coke for me, and I'm going to come by your house at night and pick it up. from you so I won't be seen over there. Okay. If something happened, the guy packed the dealer. Yeah. One man, I was walking home and he was driving home.

The cops were chasing from the Middlelands. And he gave me some coke, and I took it home. And I never opened it. I don't remember that he told me a couple months ago. He goes, and after that, I gained a lot of trust in you. You were a young man. I could see that you were a kid, but you were a man. And he goes, so I started trusting.

You started coming home house. And I remember going to his house, and me and Carlos Cantaro, with Didi, we were all family over there. No. So one day he says to me, can you do this for me? Instead of me going to my cousins and getting blow, I'll give you the money. You go over there, I'll meet you at night. Yeah.

So here I was at junior high school. I would go home at night. At about 11, after going to my girlfriend's house and holding hands with him watching, like, happy days, whatever the fuck you watch in those days. Or if not, I'd be at the villa's house smoking dope, fucking playing the drums, and then I go home early. And he'd get on shift at a quarter of the 12. He'd work 12 to 8.

So he would pick me up in the police car. In a fucking police car. We'd go get an eight pack of Cores nips. Yeah. Which is six ounce nips. And we'd get them really cold. There was a bar Ernie. Remember I took it to Ernie's?

And we'd get cold beers and Ernie. He's like, go on the police car. And we'd go by Big Mouth sandwiches. And there was a parking lot behind Big Mouth on a slant. So you could see people speeding. And we'd sit up there and we'd do lines of blow while we watch the computer. So I was 17, and this cop was 30. So it was better for him to have you pick it up and bring it to him in his car

so he could drink and do it. We would just go to his cousin's house? Well, he didn't want to, let's say the feds were watching the cousin's house. Do you follow him? What he was doing it in the car? They're not watching you in the fucking car. You're watching cars speeding by. Okay.

He was on shift, Lee. I know. He was on shift. So you found, so nobody suspected it. Okay. You understand me? Jesus. But if you're sitting, if the car, if you're a drug dealer and the feds are across watching you,

and I come over here, that looks worse. Okay. They're not going to watch everybody who goes in there. They're watching the Fed. They're watching the dealer. They're not watching them and then watching their lives. They're watching you going to that guy's house. Okay.

So here I was with this cop. But this was four nights a week. Me and this cop would get high four fucking nights a week. And after a couple weeks, other cops would join us. And we'd all sit on that hill and watch people speed. They'd think we had the radars on them. No, we didn't give a fuck. But we're sitting up there doing blow.

You understand what this? At 17. At 17. So now I'm doing this shit. So here's what gets better. So now every time I knew in the back of my head, I could do whatever the fuck I want because whenever it came down to it,

they were on duty and I could just call them and say, call those fucking cops. So do you understand what I'm going? So at 17, here I was. And Lee, you talk about, like, 12 hours a day? Listen, I was going home at 4 in the morning. I was part of the work study CIA program.

Okay. So my first class was a 7.30 guy. You understand me? So next time you're talking about, Hey, how you sleep? I slept three hours of fucking night in high school for all you little fucking faggots out there. Hey, I'm tired, okay?

It's not like you're up doing homework. Four to fucking seven. I would sleep. They'd pick me up and I'd be at school at 7.30. Then at 12.30 I'd go to a lumber yard and I'd work till fucking five. And then I'd go home, eat, and at 7 o'clock I went on and did drugs.

Like any other teenage kid. How are you supposed to fucking act? You're not supposed to sit there on a computer and watch fucking community. Oh, my God. This is so funny. I didn't watch fucking TV. I don't even know it was on TV from 80 to I didn't watch TV till 97.

For 17 fucking years, I didn't watch TV. You think about that. So, and at this lumberyard, when I got this job at the lumberyard, the job was given to me by a kid named Pete Balzano. Okay. He was Carmine Balzano's son. Yeah. So he was moving on to bigger things.

He gives me this job at this lumber yard. I'm 17, 16. And he goes, you want the job? I go, yeah. He goes, come on down. He introduced me to everybody. He goes, oh, by the way, when we're outside, he goes, don't forget to steal. Because if you don't steal, then they're going to know I was steal.

Yeah. So on top of all the drugs and all the other mayhem I had going on my house, the cops and everything else. Now I'm working on a lumber yard, and he gave me all his accounts. So they sold marine lumber, marine 4 by 8, Marine 2 by 12. So like build boats and stuff? They built boats, and they had a pre-finished boats with this plywood. The plywood had to be dipped in this, in the sand. special fucking thing.

Okay. And even all the metal had to be galvanized. So let's say the sheets were $48. Okay. I would sell them for $10 in the back door. So people come and get 40 sheets and give me $400 fucking bucks.

You know, they had an old school register. So let's say you came in and bought a hammer for $64. I would charge you $4 and keep the $60. Do you have any fucking idea what I was a one man wrecking machine? And I was

selling gold. So if I would bump into gold. So I had the drugs, I had the fucking gold. If I'd bump into gold somewhere, I sold the, I had this guy Tommy Boji. Bojys were fucking gangsters. But this fall in the daytime, I had a little stand. He would buy gold for me in 1981 at this little lumberyard, and I'd bring him everything fucking stole, and he'd buy it all and give me top dollar. And his family owned the construction He had a stand at a lumberyard where you could bring gold? He would buy gold at a lumberyard Like he would just stay there all day like that

That was his day job He was really a bookie But he would go to his lumberyard And have a little table And his scale He'd buy gold from you You don't understand Like I don't think you fully understand

For someone who's grown up When they almost always had Security cameras And they've always had computers And they always had computers And they were scanned stuff When you bought it Can you believe that shit

I can't even wrap my mind around Because I worked it like a CBS. I worked there for three years and I worked in a movie theater for three or four years. They scan everything and they have a camera watching

every possible angle there is they're watching. So the fact that you could do that on a regular basis... I guarantee I could go on that movie theater and rob him blind as an employee. I don't think so. They count every cup,

they count every piece of candy. You could do it for a little bit but not the amount that you did. No, but I could steal. You got to figure. You could, you could, you could charge. Let's say somebody comes up with sodas, two popcorn, blah, blah, blah.

You could charge them for the popcorn and the sodas, but the candy you don't charge them dick for. And you pocket that money, especially they're paying cash. You got to make sure they're paying cash. I honestly, I don't think you could. That's a reality. If you're a theater kid, a high school kid, and you could rob 40 a night doing that, that's $3.20 a fucking one.

You understand what I'm trying to say to you? So for a guy my age, no, it wouldn't pan out. But for a college kid today, a high school kid that went in there from five, to 10 he sold popcorn, there's a scam, he just hasn't figured it out. These little motherfuckers, they could turn the computer out. With the people I ran with, they were idiots,

and they figured out how to fuck a fucking cash register. If they could figure that out, you motherfucklish are lazy, you just haven't looked into it. I don't know. I'm telling you. You could scan the sodas, you could scan the sodas and the popcorn, but inhale those $4 boxes of fucking juju fruits.

Somebody buys two of those. There's eight, ten people come in, that's 80 bucks. when you're in fucking high school 80 bucks comes in there fucking quick you're probably but like the one I was at they counted every piece of candy every night

and the camera the camera's gonna see you scanning everything the camera's not gonna see you scanning your thumb they're not gonna look and trust me nobody sits there and watches he repeats the fucking tape that's 24 hours a day if they're missing that many candy things every week you don't think they would

I don't know man I saw people get fired for a lot less you know how many fucking people would have to sit there first talk to the movie theater manager is a guy like you. He's a very nice guy. He couldn't figure out if somebody stole a fucking coffee cup. You're a sweetheart of a guy. But you don't even jaywalk, would you? Of course I do.

You follow what I'm saying to? So he couldn't figure it out. So they have to hire somebody to come in and watch all that because a guy's still $80, $90 a night. They just don't let it go. But this high school kid is going to make $80 times five, that's $400 plus his fucking $6.50 and out.

So you were writing this and this freaked you out? I was writing about every that was going on. Okay. Everything. I mean, this is just a, you know, I was trying to tell him the day before. We were laughing our asses off. I was involved in this credit card fucking thing.

How I would take these credit cards. I was so sick of using people's credit cards that I would throw them out the window. I go, that's it, never again. And then a week later, I go, I need a sweater. And I go right back to Beverly Boulevard. I look in the weeds. I need a sweater. And there's the fucking credit card.

And I take the fucking credit card and go back to a store. So I was talking about this time period I just scared I had to like put the fucking pen down Take my glasses off And look up at the sky and go Holy fuck Do you think they had a file on you

Like the banks were like this guy He's just stealing so many credit cards I know that there was the one time We were involved in that check It was through a bank So they always write everything then So after that it had this What check? Oh wait the big one?

When I was a kid yeah You know the bank they come back to investigate shit but you gotta remember the insurance companies pick up a lot of this stuff oh yeah I know but like just the amount the amount like how are the all these credit cards getting stolen and fucking

well in those days we had somebody in the bank so when that person cut a card for Lisa at they also cut a card for Lisa that went directly to me and my friends Jesus that's all when you guys think that you know when you guys are in shock because somebody read your emails they've been fucking your P-S for years

I know girl years ago like get me any fucking code for an AT&T line in 1990. How do you know all these people? I grew up with them. Jesus Christ. You should make Oceans 12 over again.

No, you come to me one day and you go, listen, I work at this fucking editing bag. Yeah. Okay, you go in there, they got 60 fucking computers. Yeah. They got a little fucking thing in the back with petty cash, this 4 or 5 grand. They got this, they got this.

You hit me with all this computer jargon. And then you said to me, Joey, if you find the way to take this shit, I got an outlet. I got a guy in San Diego that will buy all these computers, that's how it starts. Doesn't start by guys like me. It starts with guys like you. So there's some way that they're getting sick, they're getting fucked in the ass, and you know how the business works. And you sit there one day and scratch your head and go, oh my God, if I was a criminal, I'd walk in here, take every computer and go in that room and take the fucking

safe and walk out of there. Thank God I'm not a criminal. But one day you bump into a guy like me in the gym, go got a few sodas, and over lunch one day, you go, you know, in my place. there's these fucking TX computers. I'm just making something up, guys. Yeah. So don't call me on Twitter. You don't know about computers. Joey, you're an asshole.

They got these state-of-art printers. They got the state-the-art thing, and there's no security. The back door is always open. And I'm there from 12 to 8 with three other editors that don't give a fuck. Think about it. That's how it happens.

But how did you do all? It's not like you did one. It's like you're a new one every week. Every week. When you're a fucking criminal, when you're out there, every week you got to keep and some fall through

it's like a full-time job Jesus Christ the same thing some shit falls through sometimes you'll come to me and go Joey I know this guy he's got a box of fucking razors you know razors don't seem like much you know how much razors are

20 bucks a package lot so it's like I was telling you guys a story the other day about how when I lived in we got a call coming oh shit and who is this It's Omar, what's going on, Joey? Oh, shit, it's my little brother, Omar. Say hello to Omar, fucking...

Hey, Omar. The flying Jew. What's going on? Lee? You know, Lee, say hello. I did. I said hello. He was stoned.

I said hello. I said hello. You're stoned. What's going on? Omar, my main man. Not too much. I'm just here, man. We're doing big things.

We're really putting the pieces together, as you would say. Always. Omar's my main man. Me and Omar met online a few years ago, and we've been trying to put together a book. and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Omar has, you know, what do you call it? He's got silk gloves, so he's been guiding me through

and not fucking spanking me and shit. And we've been working, so we wanted to talk about it online today on the podcast about the progress we've made with the book and what direction we're going. What do you think so far, Omar? That's right. You know, it's funny.

Where we are now is in the process that I'm helping you with. It's basically taking a novel and translating it to a street. because what you send me, when you sit down and you write and you're always telling the people your process about how you're writing and how you're making it happen. When you send me what you send me, I then take it and it's not editing for spelling and for grammar. I thought a later stage.

The stage where we are now is really shaping a narrative and creating content that is easily consuelable. So you're taking something that you're sending me. and creating it into essentially what is a readable novel, a readable book about your life. Because you have so many details, so many stories that are curating that, really choosing what to put in, what to leave out. That's the art.

And shaping it into something that is really accessible and fun and easy to read. That's the challenge. And so that's where we are now. You know, it's funny, Omar. I mean, I look at everything. and I was looking at what I was sending you in the beginning. When we first started working together, I was sending you stories. And I started looking at the stories, and it was like I was doing stand-up comedy at first.

I would do stand-up comedy. I would go up there and just do one-liners, and that's great. But people want to know what the fuck you're really thinking, you know? And that's what I was just telling Lee just now a couple minutes ago. I got really high, and I was writing about my life from 16 to 18, and I had to stop. And I really wanted to cry. I got so much anxiety. that I wanted to cry.

And, you know, I could have had 90 pages worth of, what do you call that, content for you? But I didn't want to give you that. You guys have heard that. What I'm trying to give you is where my fucking mind was at. Yeah, I think most people are going to be surprised. The thing is going to surprise most people about this book is that it isn't all jokes and games and kind of that crazy Joey Diaz that people know that. what we're first introduced to, most people through the Joe Roken experience,

where this larger-than-life character, you didn't start off, and life hasn't always been this kind of larger-than-life crazy character. There's a person behind there, and there's a lot that has gone on. And so when you hear some of those most well-known stories, and a lot of stories that people don't know about, but to hear about what your feelings were, what your thoughts were during that process, I think it makes it a lot more relatable. And it's incredible how as you're writing it, you feel that it's so real.

You have to stop writing because it's hitting a nerve that it's so real. That's a universal thing, you know, that feeling of desperation, of loneliness, of working towards something, of feeling alone or feeling connected. I mean, all these things that people can relate to. And when you can really hit a nerve with yourself, you know that you can even. do it with your audience is all you've been doing all of these years is just being used and this book is going to give you an opportunity to be you in a completely different way because you can really unravel all of the details of how you got to be who you are oh it's fucking crazy it's and i write this

and you know it's uh it's something that i put under a carpet for a long time the state of mind that was in you know and that's why i wanted to write to you i wrote you a chapter first about me getting left back, which you don't really think about. For years, people might look at me and go, all the drugs fucked him up. You have no idea. Getting left back destroyed me inside.

I walked around with like a scarlet letter because as an immigrant, I always wanted to strive as a young kid. There was a lot of kids in my school, and I didn't put this in the book that were getting left back, Cuban kids, because they couldn't speak the language. You know, I was speaking the language.

And I understood them, I just fell in love over pussy, but that left back destroyed me. That was the first thing that fucked me up. And then two years later, this basketball dream I have, I have this dream of being a basketball fucking player, Lee. That's it. I just want to play. I don't want to talk to my parents.

I don't want to fuck. I don't want to suck. I had already been had a broken heart. I want to play basketball, and I get this basketball thing yanked from me. And a couple months later, my mother dies. And now I'm beat up physically and emotionally. I'm just done. And now I got to go into the world at 17,

and this is what I was just telling Lee about, with this fucking thing. And I sit here sometimes, and I hear about all these people who, well, he shot the school up because his mother had guns at the fucking house. He did this. It's always a cop-out.

In the book, I didn't write it yet about my stepfather. One night, he gave me a 380 with a silencer. I told him there were spirits up in the attic, and he gave me a gun to sleep with. And I slept with this fucking guy. gun all night. The next one I remember giving it to him and it went on, I would knock on this door for weeks ago, can I get the gun? There's a ghost up there.

And I would fucking sleep. Why don't I shoot fucking people today, Omar? Why don't the fuck? You know, and this is what I wanted to prove to people that I hate misnomer's. This is not the shit that affected me that gun. What affected me was getting fucking left back. You know,

I told, I wrote, the last thing I wrote you was about finding my mother that I told Lee last week, because I had never told Lee that story. That last night I did a hit of acid. I didn't want to wake up. I don't know if my mother was yelling for me. I didn't know if my mother was yelling for a fork.

I don't know what the fuck she was yelling for. I didn't wake up. And when I did wake up, she was dead, Omar. So for weeks I had little doubts in my head about that. Maybe I could have saved her. You know, in hindsight, I know now that when the Lord puts your number, he presses your number. But Omar, what was I feeling?

And that's what I'm trying to get across to the reader. I felt like death at that time. in my life. I didn't want to live. I just was waiting for something to kill me. I didn't have the balls to kill me. So I was going to push the envelope of life at 17th. I got killed.

At that point, that's what I wanted. And then as I got a couple of years came, by the time I was 25, I was just looking for somebody to put a bullet in me. Is it why you got emotional on Monday? I always get emotional when I think about that part of my life, because I'm here. I can't fucking believe.

broke through that block. I didn't want to be here. I never wanted this. I didn't want to go on. I just wanted somebody to kill me without me jumping off a fucking roof. So now I'm 50 and I sit here at home.

I can't believe it. I got to let people know that your life isn't as bad as what it seems. That's what I want to do with this book, you know? So who do you feel, Joey, that this book is targeted toward?

If you can paint the picture of the person that you really want this book to touch, who is that? You know what? I want the guy to read it that thinks that his life is over. Because at one point in your life, you wake up and you're like, you know what, it's fucking over. I'm 38th.

Nothing's going to happen for me. I got no degree. I got no family. You know, this is who this book is for. For the guy who wakes up and goes, you know what, I got nothing. I got this broad next to me. She got herpes. You know, I got no job.

I got no education. You know, I got a fucked up car. And you sit there and read this shit, and you go, holy fuck, you know, what would I do in that situation? And it's not that bad. I'm going up. I'm going to get a fucking gun. I'm going out there. I'm doing something for my life.

And that's who this book is for. Or for the guy who just wants to make his heart pump for 15 minutes of a shot. Anybody who doesn't want to drink fucking coffee or that shit in a can, Red Bull? Because I think, as I'm writing it, my fucking heart's beaten. as I'm writing it my fucking heart's beat no more but I really want the person to read this that thinks that their life is over

whether you're 20 or you're fucking 40 because this didn't turn around for me until I was 44 years old Omar 40 fucking 4 but I always kept something in the back of my mind I always kept

that in the back of my mind as much as I hated my stepfather Juan I always kept in touch him because I always wanted to let him know I was alive. And none of those motherfuckers could ever do anything to me. It was very special. And even today, I hate fucking one. I was thinking of buying my mother a new headstone.

Okay. And sending it back, going to Jersey. Next time I go to Jersey, I'm going to order my mom a new headstone. A new one. And I'm taking his name off the fucking tombstone. You still feel that strongly about him? Yeah. No, especially after writing this book.

Especially after writing what I've been writing lately. I feel, especially that time between 16 and 19 what happened between him and I should have not happened I thought you were cool with him now I was cool with him like I said Omar I started writing this with you

that I not get cool with Juan if Juan was alive right now I'd be pounding my head figuring out how to fucking put a bullet in his eyeball yeah because this is what writing this is done to me especially that age that age from 16 and 19 to 20 Omar you have no

fucking idea. Yeah, I was just breaking it down for Lee. People have no fucking idea. I was a it was just a matter of time and now I'm 50, 30 fucking years later and I sit here and go, holy shit. So just when I write about

that time frame and I write about not what was, hey listen, a lot of kids at 17 did ass it and did stupid shit. It was walking around with what I was walking around with. That was what made me different. I could have gone at any fucking minute.

If I would have known about that shit putting a bomb on your body and pulling a string, I would have been one. You would have done it. I would have done it. I would have probably done it. I would have probably gone into something that I hated, like some place

that gave me a bad pizza food or something like that. And some people would have gave me ranch with my wings. But that's the truth, Omar. That's what I want to show to people in this book. I don't want to tell them that many stories. They know the fucking stories. Yeah. I want to tell them the story

and explain to them where my fucking mind was at that day. That I still remember it, and it scares me, Omar, when I look back into that. No, that's real. That's very real, Julie. I think that one of the things that in the process of putting this project together that I've seen really changed within you is that habit, the habit of writing, and I don't even think you realize fully

how much what you do twice a week, getting up and putting up to music and oh shit and all that, all that. How much that means to people out there when you're having a shitty day or you're getting up, you're going to work, you're dealing things you don't want to deal with, but you can put on Uncle Joey and define you, and everything seems like it's going to be all right.

But it's on a consistent basis. You do it all the time, and that's why it has the impact that it does. And it's the same with your writing. Because you've been doing it so consistently, you're able to have the impact on your writing that you have. Oh, it's a different level now. You know, when I'm not writing and I'm not writing comedy, I'm thinking about my life at that age.

And I really want to give you what's important from that age. Not the, you know, I went to Pittsburgh. I went to a concert. That's not what important. What was important was how I wanted that all to end. I just wanted a normal fucking life. and I would have traded it all in. I would have stopped doing drugs at that time.

But at that time, cocaine was coming in. Right. And that fed right into my pain. That fed right into that fucking pain, into that storm. It was like, what's a tornado develops? What's it neat? Hot air, what's that shit off the coast? When a hurricane develops.

High pressure system motor? You need so many different components. And that was the last component to this fucking soup. and it took me from 18 and it was just a swirl. From that swirl, there's credit cards, there's kidnapping people, there's robberies, and it ends up with a kidnapping in Boulder, Colorado, out of all places.

I didn't get arrested in New York with all these high-level detectives. I got arrested in a po-dunk little college town called Boulder, Colorado. That's what it took to straighten me out. And again, we dip into the state of mind, how I went to turn myself in from a kidnap. This is how fucking crazy I was, Omar. I'm 28 years old when I went to turn myself in from a kidnapping, and I told the girl that was in the car,

go get groceries, I'll stop when I get out of here and get weed, and we'll go home and watch the Don Johnson's getting married tonight on Miami Vice. It was that episode when he was marrying Sheena Easton on Miami Vice. I was turning myself at 11 o'clock, in the back of my mind, thinking I would walk out of there at 2 o'clock and make it home for the wedding. This is after I put a gun to some of these head, tied them up, and fucking put them in the trunk of a car.

This is how demented the drugs and life had done to me. But I thought I was going to walk in there and actually talk myself out of it. You know, and there's people out there in this position also. They're fucking demented with the drugs. And I remember seeing the DA months later at a supermarket and me going up to him and talking to them and going, you know what, bro, I looked at your police record.

You've been chucking and jiving. for the last 10 fucking years it's time for you to pay your debt and I went home Omar my head almost exploded from hearing those words because he told me the truth you know so

Omar I'm ha tell us a little bit about your background Omar I want to hear about your fucking book writing and all this stuff talk to me because you're a sharp motherfucker I love you to death I appreciate that Joe you know my background it's funny I do a lot of my editing

is not actually with this kind of work is usually with graduate students and academic writing, with applications to graduate school, stuff like that. So it sounds like it's very different, but it's not. What's very similar between these two worlds is that I'm hoping to people to form a narrative or whatever it is that they're doing. So some of the editing that I do is exactly what you would imagine, where it's just grammar and spelling and whatever.

But a lot of it is that is creating a story. And the way I got to this man is that, you know, I started off as a kid. Really the only thing that I could do to help me escape from where I was was reading and writing. Now, I'm from Brooklyn. And Brooklyn in the late 80s, early 90s, you know, it's a jungle. It's crazy.

And my parents came from the Dominican Republic and tried to create a life for me. And one of the only things that I could do to really see myself somewhere else is to have my nose in a book. And when I can see that, words can really transport you somewhere else and can really shape your life, I mean, that's what that's motivated me. And I'm really blessed, Joe. You know, I've been able to see a lot of things and do a lot of things in my life. And the culmination is that is being able to work with you on this project.

you know you came down to new york city a little while ago and we got together and you know i feel incredibly lucky to be able to be with somebody that i respect as much as you and to work with somebody that has been able to change their life as much as you i'm much younger than you are but i i can see a lot of myself in you so that's a lot of welcome and you're a fuck listen it's so weird how you learn man and i'm 50 and i'm old and and i wish i that fucking I would have listened to people when I was 20. Oh my God, I wish I would listen to people when I was 25 and 30.

That's what didn't make me a millionaire. It was not listening to certain people. And it's so weird when you come out here and you want to write comedy, you want to write jokes. The first thing you do is you go to Barnes & Noble's or the other fucking bookstore, Samuel, French, and you go in there

and you drop 100 bucks. And you buy all these books by Gene Perrette for comedy writing or Judy Carter or, you know, there's so much. many and then I read the book by Stephen Presman, The Art of War or the War of Arn or something like that and he talked about

how it's just sitting down with a notebook and if you sit down every day from one to two you'll come up with something. That's where you start and I did that for a month and nothing happened or not even, I never even gave it a month and I remember Mitch Hedberg

used to shut off everything for three hours a day just to write and for the last year What I basically do is I just I put the phone away I don't get on the internet because it's completely different and I write and it's my escape

But what I've done with you Is I've overcome all that shit I read in books Because if you're reading you ain't fucking writing If you want to write If you want to be a writer do me a favor Take the books and throw them up your ass Just write You know what the first year Omar

I'm gonna fuck everything up I look at those blogs from Myspace now Oh my God Thank God that didn't throw me off because of the spelling and the commas and the punctuation. But you know what? You figure it the fuck out. Just right. That's what I was scared of.

I was scared of the punctuations and I'm not going to spell right. And I don't have time to open up a dictionary and correct the fucking spelling or the pheasaurus or with all these things I need. You know what? Don't worry about that. Get on your fucking computer or get a piece of, or get a fucking feather with a pen. Like I told you, yesterday. We're both writers. We don't have a feather in our pocket.

And you just write. And just write it out. And later on, after you come down, after the kid goes to sleep, after you've washed your pussy, you look at what you wrote, and then you add the comments to it. But nothing is as important as doing it. Just writing. And this was the biggest misnomer that was sold to me, and the biggest misnomer sold to thousands of other people who come to Hollywood or in the Bronx or in Brooklyn. And that's what you taught me, Omar. You gave me a system.

He gave me a system. Just write one sentence a fucking day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me talk a little bit about that. we were into the situation where this is a big project. And I forget exactly how it was that we started with deadlines or how much, you know, it was like, let's say write a few pages or write whatever it was by every couple of weeks.

But whatever system we had, it was too much. And so you found yourself, it was almost like we were in school and you have a homework assignment. and an essay is like a big essay, a 10-page essay on something, and you procrastinate, procrastinate, and by the time that deadline comes up, you feel so much pressure that you either don't do it or you don't do a great job on it, and you, it's tough. I mean, the deadline is supposed to help you to motivate you can be detrimental to you. And so I do it a lot of research on what it is that I could do to help you to form a habit of writing.

And there is a psychologist whose name is BJ Fogg that has this concept called Tiny Habits. And Tiny Habits is all about whatever it is that you want to do, whether it's flossing your teeth or writing a book, creating an everyday super tiny goal. So if your goal is to flot your teeth, for example, on a regular basis, then your goal every day is to floss one tooth. One two. And that's what's ridiculous, of course, that you're just going to fall off one tooth. One tooth. Yeah, if you just say to yourself, all right, I'm going to fall off one tooth. Then chances are if you get to the one, you'll probably do a lot more than just that.

But if in your head you allow yourself to just do the one, then you overcome that psychological barrier and stops you from getting started in the first place. So what we set up was all you had to do was write a couple of sentences a week. Something that you can bang out in three minutes left. you know, just write two sentences. And what you found was, I'm sure, that as you started writing, once you know those two sentences,

of course you get into step by two, you keep going. The toughest part isn't going once you get started is getting started. So that tiny habit gives you the psychological permission to not have to produce this large thing, you produce this tiny thing, and then you feel like you've accomplished something,

and it gives you that momentum to be able to keep fault. And it's fucking works. man because now I'm writing every day and I can't wait to write a sentence and I end up writing two sentences or you end up writing three sentences but that's what I want to do this

Omar this means so much to me I'll tell you why I just became a father one of my you know out of all my idols are Julius Irving you know Muhammad Ali you know I like Led Zeppelin I like everything

but man when it gets to writers those are my real fucking idols. Like to write old man in the sea and live in Cuba and drink dairies all afternoon and have a bunch of fucking cats and be eccentric. That's the

way to live when you're 50 and above. I don't drink right now, but I have a secret desire to fucking drink. I'm not a drinker but I would love to be able to drink a margarita with an umbrella in every afternoon they're four in the fucking afternoon. You know what I'm saying, Omar? So, Omar, right now I'm at a time in my life that I know

in four or five years if I stay alive. I'm not going to be able to travel like I do. I'm just not going to be able to do it. You know, I'm going to be tied up with my daughter, school, whatever. My wife wants to work. I want to choke cut a fucking death. But I think that writing is my next avenue. This is the beginning of something. I want to write this book and put it out because after that, Omar, that's what we go crazy. You know, I want to write books like the guy from Get Shorty. You know, I got two of those in me. I got two Get Shorty's in me. Do I want to make a movie? No, no, no, no, no.

Do I want to meet Travolta? No, no, no. Just for me to write, just for me to have that title of author would make me so fucking proud because I wasn't an attorney. I'll take an author. It's an A word. I'm an asshole.

I'm a cock sucker. I'll take an author instead of attorney, but it would make my world. So this is, I want you to know what my intentions are. This is the beginning of a long relationship with you and I. So I think I owe your money. I'll send your check this week. your daughter.

You know, you're something that she can take with her and it's a very special thing. I don't want her to hear this shit. You know, I don't want her to have to... I was just thinking about that.

I was just, I don't want her to hear this shit until she's 18. She's going to love it. She's going to love it. Because it affected me when I heard the stories about my father

because my father died when I was three. And all those dumb stories they told me that didn't matter at the end. I didn't hear a good story about him till my mother died. Till the day she died,

that's when a guy told me a story that stayed with me. All those other stories about him doing this, and they didn't matter at the end. You know, the character was what mattered. I don't want my, I don't want, you ever see two kids when they're talking, and my daddy does,

I don't want my daughter to have that attitude. I want my daughter to grow up with an attitude that she puts her pants on, just like everybody else. I don't care what my dad fucking does. No, I think she'll love it when she's, like, 25 or something. Yeah, to read something, just to know, Omar, but, yeah,

Omar, without you, I couldn't have been doing this lately. You really, and it's reflected in my stand-up too, so I have a look at Omar. I'm only home three days a week now, four days a week. I don't have fucking time to go out at night. I'm tired between the working out, the kid and the writing and the getting high. I'm fucking tired. But I know if I write two hours, my goal is to write two hours a day.

The first thing on my daily thing, planner, every day is to write two hours a day. And believe it or not, if I write one sentence and I have a paragraph to follow, that's an hour there, an hour of writing jokes. Yeah. You know, so when I go on the road, like this Friday, I'll write three hours because I'm in a hotel room. I'll get a vapor pen and a cup of coffee, and I go to fucking work, Jack. That's what it takes. That's it.

That's what it's beautiful. I really appreciate working with you, Joe. No, I appreciate working with you. Where can they find you if people want to talk to you, and maybe you can help them out? Where can people find? Of course. Yeah, yeah. Twitter's the number one way.

And it's a, I'm on writing savage on Twitter. You know, I got to get it from you. You got to be a savage. Got to be a writing savage. So that's it. Writing Savage. Well, I'll call you, I'll call you this afternoon in a few hours and we'll plan out chapter fucking two.

Sounds like a plan. Did you think of something for your uncle, Joey? Can I think of something? No, did you think of something for the next chapter? How are we going to do this? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we'll discuss. that. We'll discuss that.

Omar, thank you very much for calling. I love you at all my heart, brother. I'm happy you came into my life, you fucking savage. All right, take care, Lee. Bye, Omar. The fact that you call me a fruitcake, and your deepest, darkest dream is to have a margarita with an umbrella

every day and four. Oh, please. Like a doctor with flip-flops on, on an island after you wrote for two hours a fucking day. I'm going to give some shout-outs to these cocks of these cockss. Hold on. Mr. Coy, I love you. Lyle, Kyle Marlin, he's always there for me. Kelly Valdez, Scottish Pauley, Taylor,

Wardell, Amadon, the Blue Print, and Mike Cagley, I love you. What the fuck you laughing at, Lee? You were saying all these long names, and then you just want to see you pause, Taylor. Yeah, listen, cocksucker.

Sometimes I forget, I'm right, a little high, you know, it happens. What's what the fucking giggles? The wind he gave me is fucking really strong. I told you. Oh, what is that one? one. This one was...

Jesus. Oh, this is from Divine Wellness. This was either... Oh, this is the church. Oh, no one. They have the church. They have the church.

They did that on purpose then. I love this fucking refo. This rea put a fucking hem in your skirt. What's the music league? You're sitting me here. You're fucking got no music for them. I'm sitting you here. Yeah, put some fucking music on leave.

You're killing me. I get it. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Get up. It's Wednesday. The 19th.

My ex-wife's birthday's Friday. I hope she gets stabbed in the fucking neck by a Indian with an arrow. Oh shit. Get your shit together, motherfuckers. You're in America. Fill out your unemployment paperwork. It's Wednesday, cock suckers. Louisville, Kentucky.

Get your shit together. I'll be there. I don't want no fucking stories. Bring that Kentucky blue gas reefer. San Jose. We're coming up next weekend with the flying. you. Philadelphia, July 20th, I don't want to hear no fucking story.

Bring Michael Vic and the chihuahas. What's the story, Lisa? I had. It's fucking Wednesday. What do you got for me, Con-sucker? Tell me something good. If you didn't go to Honet this fucking week, you fucked up, because they're having a sale. You fucked up. People have been sending me pictures with new moves.

You should have a ton of new moves for the summer. You should have some alpha brain. You should get some strong bone. Little hemp protein. Always fucking works. I'm telling you right now. No farts. Reefers. I didn't spray my nose this morning. Sorry about that.

Besides that, things are cracker lacin' here. What else is going on, Lee? Did they go to Onet yet? If you didn't have it on Anit.com, you're fucking slipping. Because Anit's got the way for you to live. You understand me? You're a fat fuck, your feet hurt, your joints hurt, get some strong bone. If not get some fish castles, but do something today.

Don't just fucking sit there and blame it on society. McDonald's just giving away two burgers for a dollar. That's why I'm not. I'm fucking blaming on McDonald's. Get out there, you fuck. You call me up the end of the day You're like I have a coupon for double quarter pounders

Well me there at seven Or something Like you just call me up I'm fucking what happens My wife I'm gonna rush the other day So she said You gotta do me a favor

You gotta get me an egg McMuffin So he pulled in there And I got one of those egg white With cheddar just that Yeah Not bad 300 calories like five points Not fucking bad

I just had that Yeah But on the bag They gave me a coupon With a quarter pound Oh you actually did have a coupon I think you're joking No I folded

I saved it for my main man You're such a Jew. Who loves you more than me? Come on, cuckusker. Speaking of coupons, we have a coupon for you at Huluplus.com. Captain Badass. You know I love you. I'm a Deis Wardell.

Get it together, you bad motherfucker. Huluplus.com plus Joey. And I just want to look, and they have Miami Vice from the 80s. They have that up there. They have lost. They have a whole bunch of shit. Let me tell you some. You go to Huluplus.com.

You press in Joey. Do yourself a favor. Get the first season of Miami Vice. I'm not fucking bullshit. They have five seasons of it up there. They got five seasons. Forget about, watch all of them. But the first season, you're going to go crazy with Calderon,

when fucking, I think the third season is the Spanish kid when he comes back with Lee Ayacocca. They got some good fucking episodes. Ted Nugent, Bernard King, and Bill Russell, but the first season of fucking Miami Vice, the pilot with Jimmy Smiths, then from there it goes. A lot of people don't know Jimmy Smith's in the pilot.

Out of respect the son's anarchy fucking shirt, you know Uncle Joey don't fuck around. Go to Hulu today. Go to my webpage. Joey Deers.net, go to Hulu, get two free fucking weeks, then come back and tell me what you think. If you don't like it, say, Joey, go fuck yourself. Go fuck your mother and get the chicken wings and take them with you. You don't like it.

What the fuck you giggling about, Lee? With family. Get the chicken wings and take them with you. Go to Hulu Plus. That's all I'm trying to tell you. And on the way back, stop it fucking on it and get yourself some new mood. I'm happy today. Can I tell you people that?

I know. Because you people make me happy. I'm not talking to you people. What do you need to me? I need to help me with a situation. I don't know what it is throughout my life I run into girls that just don't give blow jumps And I don't understand it

I just... What is this high school? What do you mean? What is this high school? That's the only time you bumping the chicks that don't lick you nuts That's what I'm saying. I'm 24 Now here's the secret, all right? So you're eating their ass All right, that's where I messed up. I'm not doing that. I'm right there you're eating their ass, right?

I'm right there you put two fingers in their ass And it's like a side, you move to the side. It's like you're going into side control. Okay. Okay, so you push that leg over, but you keep that hand on the fucking monkey, and you're working that hoof the whole time. Your finger, you're hearing,

you're working that fucking monkey. You put your leg right over, and you take that helmet. When they're working that dick, they're in a hypnosis, okay? You ever finger a girl, they get into that fucking trance like they're leaving you this country?

Same thing. While you're fingering them, they're getting that trance, you pop that fucking helmet, at their mouth and they'll go, mm-hmm, fuck that shit. You gotta breathe,

bitch, suck that helmet and they'll suck it for a little while until you're blasting their mouth, then afterward they'll tell you you shouldn't have done that, it's disrespectful,

what do you give a fuck? At that point, I used to, this is how, like, I've come, like, you make fun of it, but I was thinking about it

the other day. I've come a long way. Like, I have. I have. What have you done? You smoke cigarette? All right,

so, like, I used to be like, I was thinking how embarrassed I was of like my first or second time, when I was like 20 or something and I would go like Not to this extent

But like almost like if you wouldn't mind Like a blow job would be great Like you would ask them You'd ask them? You'd ask you? I used to when I was really young No you never ask shit You just do it

And now I said Now I've now I've Upgraded to the saying do it But I can never just shove it into one of the mouth No you don't say it You don't ask them to do it No that's what I was really young You move into the position

And your dick's right there They got nowhere to go If you're driving down the road And also the brick wall shows They got nowhere to go They got nowhere to go If you're finger on this one, you got that hoof this way. If they turn, they're going to hurt their own pussy.

Your dick is right there. They got to suck it. It's the only logical fucking choice. Trust me, I don't like that shit either. It's not that I want you to suck my dick the whole night, but you got to lick it. You got to grab it. You got to lick it. So that's the easiest dilemma.

You got to eat their pussy and surrender them. You got to stick that tongue up your ass. You went the extra mile. But right as you move, you put that finger in that little monkey, and you work it sideways. But as you cross over the leg, then you have to turn the hand to pick the hoof. up. They can't go on the way. You got them by the hook. You got them two fucking fingers right in the fucking squawking of the debt.

You got those two fingers right in the hoof of debt. And right there, where you're going? You're fingering them. They need to do something. And you put that fucking cockitzar in their fucking mouth and it's all over. And you got Tamika juice on their neck. And everybody's happily. It's fucking Wednesday. It's Wednesday, cuckers. What else

you want to do with your life? You're a young man. You're 24. At 24, see, you have no help because You don't do blow and you don't do drugs. When you do that shit, you got them halfway here. After that, it's all easy. They're fucking coked up. They'll suck your dick.

They need to do something with their jaw. But now, you know, you're a straight guy, so you're a sexy motherfucker. You put a thumb on them for these girls and dance? No, I'm going to put a thumb on. You don't do a magic mic for them? A magic, no. You got to put a little fucking bikini on leave. Did you even do?

Put the camera. Do some jumping jack? You do something. Listen, I'm so fucking high right now. That's even better. We'll put some music on. You do a little magic mic for the girls at home watch. I'm going to a magic mic for no, but you do it.

I know you like Michael Jackson. I do like Michael Jackson. I do like Michael Jackson. It's close to midnight. I'm not stripping. It's going to look like that Chris Farley, S&L video. You don't have to strip. Just do a little dance with your clothes on.

See what you got. Show them what you got. A little magic mic. What? I'm like a moon. What's the name of the song? Thriller. We just played Thriller.

Well, you didn't dance. I did too dance. You have a magic mic, Mike, cuck, sucker. You're a bitch. These women fucking love you. This girl, Melissa. in San Jose, she won't stop talking about you. Yeah, right.

I'll see, yeah. There's a fucking ad. But... You'll find one one out of an ad. You gotta keep clicking back and forth. Why click back and forth? It's gonna take six seconds for it to be over. Did you ever dance for a girl naked

before you take their cock and put them out? Did I dance? No. You got a dance. That's the dance of love. That got me tons of women. You got to dance of them and shit. Women in love with your dance. You're going to get that elephant with your dick on. You put your dick in the elephant. You just dance with what? You didn't know by one of those songs with the animals. Yes, you do.

I still got one at the house. What animal do you have? An elephant. You bought one of the thongs. Women love elephants. Women love elephants. Yeah. Why not?

Women love elephants. How would you dance? Thriller. Goly. Let me see you bust it out for these brards. We should. We should both do it. Go ahead.

But you do it first. You're the opening act. You're the feature. On the feature act. Go ahead. Go ahead. So you have an out. Going to the stage.

My main man, hot. Lee. So you have an elephant, and what do you do? Let me bring you up. Let me bring you up. All right, ladies and gentlemen, you're at home right now. You got your main man. DJ Joey Diaz here.

You're at the mic. Don't forget, Michelle is walking around with dollar drinks. Coming to the stage is the sexiest Jew you've ever seen in your life. The flying Jew, Mr. Lee, Syatt. Hit it, Lee. The crowd goes wild. The crowd goes wild. Chicks go wild.

What are the moves? You're looking at me for? Show the camera. Show them their tongue, cocksucker. Shake with him. Lee, don't look at me. Showing the tongue? Show him the tongue.

You gotta show them the tongue. Yeah, I'll sell it. Maybe they'll say it's 10 bucks. You said I got to take my feet. You see the headliner. I'll see the headline to do it. Coming to the stage. The Cuban egg roll machine.

Joey Diaz! You know what I'm saying? I don't fuck around with you. That's why. You don't eat ass. You don't want to fucking dance. What am I going to do with you? I can't take you nowhere.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, Jesus Christ. You're lucky I love you. I wish the neighbor... I want to know what the neighbors then kept. Every Monday once I'm saying. What are you going to do with the neighbors? They're probably fucking immigrants.

What are you going to do? They don't even know what's going on in here. They think we're cooking. So what do you got for me a lady? That's it. No Hulu? No nothing. We just did Hulu.

You sure? I got to get your shit together, Lee. No more reefing for me for now. No more edibles. Edibles have turned your mind green. No more edibles for you, Lee. What are you talking about? You're slipping.

You're slipping. I don't understand this shit. So if you're not doing nothing, I'll be at Louisville, San Jose next year. I don't even know what fucking time is. But I can't control you no more. You're fucking stone to the gills. I'm stone to the gills. Fuck. Listen, man, I'm happy old Mark Gawl today.

People always looking for different tips and different things. When you want to write, just get out of them right. Don't read nobody's books. Just write. If you read books, like just read, like just read Stephen King or you read whatever author you like. I don't give a fuck who this, bro. That's all bullshit. People come to you.

Like, oh, my God, I read this author. Listen, that's great. But if you read, reading is all you need to do. A fucking book of fucking week on anything. I try. I try. Sometimes take me two weeks to read a book. I read simple fucking books.

I'm reading a book now Felipe gave you about some Mexican fucking gang. It's not bad, though. But I try to read as much as I can. If you read, then the writing will come easy to you. I'm telling you, I'm no fucking five beta cap and I could write, dog. Why did you get to him? Like, you were getting emotional when Omar was talking.

Dog, when I think about that time in my life, it's fucking mind-boggling. I don't even like dabbling in that part of my life. I don't even like dabbling. Are you ashamed of it? Like what? It's not the shame. It's who I was.

What was in my poor little fucking heart as a young man? That's what the shame of the story was. My story isn't about a comic. It's not about a guy who went to jail and got his life together. It's about a guy who was doomed to fail, doomed to inflict pain, doomed to inflict the pain that he was going through on America and on people. I could have easily been one of those kids that gone into a school and shot at school. You think so?

Yes, I had all the fucking makings of it. Just because your mother has guns in the house. Doesn't mean you're cut out to go to a fucking school and kill young little fucking kids. To live that is something different. When you have a pain in your heart and you want to lash that against society, that is a horrible fucking feeling to have, to know. And I know in my heart that I could have lashed to that society. I had all the tools against me. Plus, society had broken me down.

It had broken me down spiritually. and it broken me down mentally and emotionally. That is the worst thing you could do to a fucking child. That is the time when the devil enters and they become the killers in San Francisco, the guy who died last week from El Paso. That is a tender age for a mind. That is a tender age for a mind.

You've never really talked about being upset at the... From 10 to 12 to 13, that's a very tender age. At that age, I beat myself up a little bit, but from fucking... 14 to 18 on a child to 20 when your mind and your world is developing to have those things beat against you it could get ingrained in there and you could become only one thing at 18 I was going to become one thing Lee something caught me whether it was religious whether it was God whether it was who the fuck I was and made me get up and go to Colorado and that six or seven

months in Colorado helped me look into the window and shut that feeling off. I still could have done at any time. I still could have done any time. Ten years later, five years later, I decided to take somebody who's a friend of mine, not in your way, but an acquaintance. And I decide I'm going to rob this young man with two weapons in a room. What if? What if I would have gone to the trunk of the car, came back in with a gun and shot both of them? I could have been. blamed it on my upbringing. That would have been too fucking easy. That's what America wants you to do. That's what I tried to go away from. That is why I get emotional. Because I know what direction this could have gone into. I know what I would

accept it at that time. I know what I deserved. At that time an 18-year-old thing thinks that he deserves the rest of his life in a fucking hole. And once you put somebody in a hole in this society, you just destroy the life. So for me to wake up twice a week and come here and fuck with you motherfuckers and fuck around or I finger up the ass or uh you know get up and go out there I'm not fucking around because once you fall into that fucking thing with your mind and you think you're worthless there's no coming out of that there's no coming out of that and that's what this podcast is making people not do get the fuck out of there so what you had a bad week your family who gives a fuck go to school get a job get out there

Don't kill nobody. Just get out there, smoke some wifa, drink, fuck, eat ass. And that's it. But it's a lot better than where you're leaving your mind that. That's why I get upset because nobody knows. Nobody knows. Nobody's ever known. Nobody's ever known what I was thinking in those fucking ages.

You know, it was just too much. When society fucks with you emotionally and then, you know, after my mother died, I went to Social Security. And nobody would help me. every place I went to and we could sit here until 10 in the morning. It's 8 now, it's 7.30. We could sit here until 10. I can tell you all the agencies, the places

I turned to help. And maybe out of the 11 avenues I had, none of them came through. I mean the insurance policy didn't come through. Nothing came through that was supposed to be there in line for your kids. You have kids. Make sure if something happens to you today, they get taken care of. Make sure

there's no red tape. that as soon as they put you in a hole, your children get a certain amount of money. That day! That day! That day! Not a week from now in some bank account. That day. Somebody you trust will give your son or your daughter. He's taken care of. Because you always think in the back of your mind, your children are taking care of you. They're really fucking not. They're really not. Bureaucracies and your kids don't have time for that.

You know, your kids don't have time for that. So please take care of all this shit. That's it, cuck sucker. That's crazy. Like, you've never really talked to it. Like, you were mad at, like, people, but you never really talked about being mad at society before. You have to.

You have to. When your mother dies, you're mad at... I was mad at God. You know, 1980, I went with my buddy. You got a bag of fucking refra. I seen priests down there, giggling as drug dealers sold. I grew up a Catholic. I grew up a fucking Catholic.

My world was Catholic. I believed that there was a God. I believed that there was a Holy Spirit. I believed all these fucking things. But bigger than the Holy Spirit, this thing called... money. And money rules everywhere, everything.

And I'd known about that at that age, I didn't know that people were selling weed in a fucking church. Then six months later, my mom is dead. And I'm sitting there

waiting for fucking answers. You're waiting for answers. You know, you want God to come give you an answer. Well, how can you take a mom? Okay, I can understand if I had a father at the time.

I had an uncle. But I was alone. So what God are you fucking talking about? What God are you talking about? That douchebag that let me alone? in this fucking world without my mother to feel like this

then I had all these other issues of maybe I could have saved my mother now I'm going to war with my stepfather now I'm getting high I mean everything else was great I didn't pay rent I was living like a king

but it wasn't the outside world it was what was going inside that was building a snow fucking tornado bro it was just a hurricane it was just a hurricane it was just a hurricane a coming

and you know what like I said I'm very lucky I ended up with four years and nobody ended up with a bullet in their head or I didn't maim somebody or because that's where the anger was going lashed. When you have

that anger in your heart, it gets laid. You put it on something. I could put it on it. I could have caught a bunch of cats and cut their fucking heads off. That's that. You were like that angry? Like that's great. I never know like it. I mean it makes sense but like an and you never really expressed that before.

Very angry. Very fucking angry. Very angry. I mean angry to the point where you can't fucking believe it. All you needed was the bad word to come out of your fucking mountain you might die so you're relaxed now by comparison not really if you can tell uh you know in my heart still you know i get angry sometimes i have the one thing surprise me but that anger is what fuels me yeah that anger is my fuel so i've accepted it

it's my fuel it's what makes me go to the coffee shop and write it's what keeps me up to a one the morning writing. It's what makes me look for songs for you guys on the podcast. That's my anger. You know, and that's what you have to fuel off every day. What to do with this anger? I could call Leah motherfucker every day. Or I could take this anger to push me to get to where I want to be.

Joey, what the fuck? You're sitting here watching SpongeBob? Really? Get your life together. Get up. Go put some sweats on. Go for a walk. That's what my anger has done to me.

So the anger is. is helpful because it fuels everything. That's it, guys. That's a fucking podcast right there. Like, brother. Oh, my God. I got boogies in my hands and everything. No, it's crazy, man.

You guys have no idea where I was and what I became. Is that why you get so mad at some people when you don't think they're doing the right thing? Because you're mad at yourself kind of. Oh, please. You know, that was one time where I had no human respect for you late. what does that mean that Lee could well no no no let's say Lee

like you're very good to me you could have fed me I would always have your back but let's say you were kind of I was doubtful about you you were always in danger because if I was having a bad day I'd walk over here I'd kick your fucking door in and I'd take this fucking computer and guess what Lee I didn't give a fuck that you knew

what are you going to do to me what are you going to do you can beat me up That's what I got all those years For hanging out with Mike Ronnie I didn't give a fuck People that got robbed They knew it was me

What are they gonna do? They beat around the bush I'm gonna rob me They knew it was me What are you gonna do? What are you gonna fucking do? Nothing You're gonna call the cop

You gonna beat me up You're gonna hit me And then when I get mad next time I'm gonna rob your fucking house Again and put a pipe In your fucking skull So you're gonna hit me That's what you're gonna fucking do

That's what you want me Out there thinking that you're gonna hit me So people knew this Like I was a fucking and menace. You know, I get mad at a lot of North Bergen kids today because now they're my friends, but they weren't my friends 30 years ago. You know what?

I didn't deserve my friends. These people were scared of me. They knew that it's like an old fag. It's like an old fag. When you're a kid, your mom tells you don't even look at them. Don't even look at them. They're old fags. Because an old fag will suck you in. Next thing you know, you're sucking dick, Doug.

Old fags, they're crafty motherfuckers. Trust me. Like Sinatra, you see that movie about fucking liberal No. You got to watch that movie. He's an old fact. Once they touch you in the arm and they go, oh, it's so nice.

That's 50% you're sucking that guy's dick. Jesus Christ. Very interesting podcast today. I'm sorry, I, uh, you got to let people know what you're thinking, because this is what people are thinking. People want the answers, bro. When people are mad at something,

they're not mad at you, Lee. They're mad at something else. And the more fucking anger you throw into that, then anger's going to blow. Yeah. And eventually someday you are going to get a weapon. and take it to your post office and shoot the fucking clerk

when she tells you you need your ID and you park them out of the way and you got to go back to the car and you left it in that motherfucker. Motherfucker! Listen! I'm in Louisville, Kentucky. Next week, San Jose, my main man, Lee Syatt, the week after that in Vegas

and Joe Rogan, July 20th, in Philadelphia. I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. I gave you a shots out. I want to give a shout out to fucking Hulu. Plus, I want to give a shout out to On it. I want to give a lot.

a shout out to everybody who makes this podcast. Subscribe, motherfuckers. We need to move up on the charts. We need a bunch of shit. Take this podcast today that you got and do what you need with it. There's something in here for everybody. It's fear, it's anger, there's something in here.

You guys are some bad motherfuckers. Don't forget about me. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up your free trial of Hulu Plus and start watching your favorite hit shows right now. Lee, Lee. Lee. Where's the enthusiasm. Say, listen, now that the fucking show's over. Go over there and sign up

your free trial of Hulu Plus, takenly. You're gonna, I'll, I'll, I'll read the lines. You're like a fucking, hey, you know, that the show is. It ain't over. You're starting, because now, they listen to it. Now it's in the show starts.

Once you turn it off, and it goes into their fucking club, zanian. I'm not an actor and you're going to be so fucking stone. I can't even move. But you're sitting there like a mama luca you're going to say it from your heart. Go to fucking Hulu Plus, cock sucker. Go ahead. Let's do it again. Soon to the beginning.

Fun, you remember. No, you do it. Three, two, one. Go to Hulu Plus, Cocksucker. Now that the show is over, you go there. You go to our homepage, joeydiaz.net, and you click the banner, or you go to the website, huluplus.com slash Joey, and you go there, you get two free weeks, you watch all the shows.

Go to the banner at joeydiaz.com. Or HuluPus.com slash Joey. Momo, Cocksucker. That's right. I love you guys. Go to Hulu Plus. Sign up, Joey, lowercase, higher case. I don't give a fuck. Just put Joey in.

in there. Get your two free weeks. You're going to love you. You're going to love me for doing this, all right? Have a great week, and I love you guys. See you in Lexington, Kentucky. Cincinnati in the fucking house. I'm getting some Cincinnati people down there. Bring me some red paraphernalia. What's the music league? Unless you put higher case on your keyboard

instead of uppercase for the weed. Have you ever got stabbed in the kidney? Have you ever gotten stabbed in the kidney? Have you? I'm not, I'll fucking see after I stab you. What do you think of that, Lee?