The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #062 - TOM SEGURA | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Wednesday, May 5th..... Today we talk to the Great TOM SEGURA! This episode is brought to you by BluBlox.com & Lucy.co...... Go to https://www.BluBlox.com/JOEY Go to https://www.Lucy.Co Promo Code: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TomSegura Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on IG/Twitter www.instagram.com/onebyonepodcast www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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But you already know that. So just go to lucy. and be sure to use promo code Joey and quit smoking brother it's time to quit smoking now if you guys don't mind it's time for the joint kick this motherfucker where's my lighter here oh shit it's a beautiful day to be alive what's happened you bad motherfuckers it's wednesday sinko to fucking myo and i haven't seen a mexican yet you know what i'm saying it's fucking crazy i haven't seen no Mexicans jumping up and down. Nothing. I saw three Mexicans across the street

mowing the lawn. They didn't look too fucking happy. So it's not Cinco de Mayo in their motherfucking world. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, it's a great day to be here. Great week. I've been fucking taking care of myself. I lost more weight. I'm happy

you enjoyed the fucking Michael Jackson T-video. You motherfuckers went off the other night. That was one of the best teas I ever made in all my life. I slept fucking 10 hours. If you didn't notice, I didn't post till fucking 10.30 in the morning. And I fucking, I slept.

And I didn't fall asleep for like an hour. That night I played the guitar for a while. And I felt the effects coming over me. And I'm like, fuck, I am high as fuck. And I went fucking for it. Last night I tamed it down. But something really weird happened yesterday. I did not smoke pot all mother.

the fucking day. That's the first time I have not smoked pot in months. No, I have not. I haven't smoked pot today either. So that's the that's the big thing. I have not smoked pot, but I did those fucking edibles the other night for the tea. There's three capsules and the whole thing. Yep, three capsules and the whole fucking thing. But it was, uh, it was very fucking tremendous man. It was a great night and I do that, you know, I switch it up every now. night because I love my fucking sleep I don't want to fuck around so that's what puts me to fucking sleep that's what I do that's what helps me fucking see the devil that's what I do so I felt

great I'm happy you guys enjoyed the little video I want to talk to you guys about something today that maybe you've been thinking about or you haven't been thinking about it's over that's it we lost 15 months of our fucking life over COVID did you Have you thought about that? Has this hit you yet? I mean, July 1st, everything opens up in three states, no capacity, do what the fuck you want to. So that's it.

It's over. That was it, 15 fucking months. I mean, it was a rough 15 months. I mean, I'm happy. Listen, I always said, even in last April, if you listen to the old churches, I said that a lot of people, this was going to give a lot of people,

a lot of time to think. lives are going to change careers are going to change obviously i didn't know i was talking about me you know i mean from the no drinking expressos to the no smoking weed to the you know to the anxiety medication i mean i have gave up all my you know i was telling my wife that one of my big biggest fucking fears was moving here and just eating hamburger deluxe just eat hamburger deluxe just eat hamburger deluxe just eating hamburger deluxe is like in a hamburger deluxe here in jersey a cheeseburger deluxe is a cheese burger with fries with gravy and mozzarella cheese on it so i thought i was going to be eating three or four dollars a fucking week at night pizza carvel well look at this so far since i've been here

i've lost close to 35 fucking pounds and this is since the beginning of the fucking surgery since i just applied myself but this isn't what i'm talking about i'm talking about how our lives changed what I mean listen a lot of negatives happened in your life during this pandemic I understand a lot of negatives happened in my life also but think about all the positive things that came from this that you know you do your best work in my world I do my best work when I have a gun to my head and if this pandemic wasn't a gun to your head I don't know what was working from home zooming you know on the computer all fucking day whatever

Your life changed completely. You know, social distancing, your desk, you can't breathe on people's necks. Casinos were closed. I mean, listen, there was a point where fucking I felt so bad for degenerate gamblers. I felt so bad because I know what it is to have a habit. I know what it is to have a vice and to need it every day. I felt so bad when all you couldn't bet on nothing but fucking body's dying. That's all you could bet on.

There was one point where that was a little. you were betting on how many people gonna die on face time today it was the saddest fucking thing in the world but guess what we pushed through it we're here we're stronger because of it i know a lot of years are not in the place you want to be in your life personally this took over your fucking life but party look at listen for me it changed my life completely it let me know what i wanted to do what i didn't want to do and what i couldn't handle or handle anymore and let me know i was burnt out it let me me know this is the best thing that could happen because now at least you know where the

fuck you stand you know my agents they don't call me every day like they used to because I'm not going on the road so I don't need them no more all so you know you know where you stand in this life when a pandemic hits that's the best part about this it was like I told the Leah after you know the whole thing went down I go at least you know where you stand with other comics with your friends with bookers and everything like that that's the best thing about life sometimes is knowing where the fuck you stand and i know where the fuck i stand you know i'm happier i see my daughter she's fucking happy as fuck my wife has her own friends it's not people that want to be her friend because she's married to me and then at the end of the fucking dinner they whip out a script

or they tell you they want to fucking come on the podcast or something no the desperation is gone from my life guys i don't even want to do half the shit you know i break everything down guys i'm an overthinker you know I don't really focus on a lot of things but I look at them and I go hmm that's interesting a couple weeks ago when I had those two auditions listen I had a migraine for four fucking days I didn't know if it was the Johnson Johnson shot I didn't know if I had a blood clot I went for a blood test I did a bunch of shit you know what that fucking migraine headache was fun those two fucking auditions I did not want to put them on tape but I

I went ahead and I did what I had to do. And then I remember saying that last line and the headache went away. I don't want to be a part of that no more. It's so fucking for right now, for right now for today, I am fucking as happy as I could be because I'm living the life that I've been wanting to for a long fucking time. For years, I told my agents, listen, we got to light up on the road a little bit. You know, I got a daughter.

I want to be home more. I could not figure out how to get off this fucking carousel. I mean, when I spoke to Ali Wong a few weeks ago, she said the same thing. We were on a carousel that we could not get off of. All of us were in life. Maybe you were in a bad relationship. You know, whatever the fuck you were doing.

Maybe you did a bunch of drugs during the pandemic and you got clean. You started going to meetings. I have a couple guys on Patreon that I referred meetings to because the pandemic was, listen, the pandemic fucked me up. fucked me up completely. I've never been a... Listen, I do a job

that is one of the toughest jobs in the world. One of the fucking hardest things of life, if you look it up, what people are scared of the most is debt and fear of public speaking. I do something that a lot of people can't do for a living. Listen, guys, I don't have a lot of fear

about a lot of things. I'm scared of needles. I'm scared of shit like that. But mostly, I'm pretty, pretty fucking good. You let me think about something like the surgery. You let me think about something for a couple of weeks. I get pusified and then I go look at you. What are you a fucking pussy? You got to get it together. You fucked. You need this fucking knee surgery. You need this blood test or you need this COVID fucking shot. I do what I have to do. I'm not scared of anything. This

fucking, you know, when you started watching the news in the beginning and they weren't really telling you everything, it kind of fucked me up a little bit. You saw it. You saw it in the podcasting. You when I first started the joint and because of the joint and because of Patreon and because of the little things I was doing, I've gotten better and better and better and more confident. And here we are today. Am I confident enough to do stand-up again? I'm not in the fucking mood to take fucking pictures. I'm not in the mood to get the ear-beaten afterward.

I'm just not in the fucking mood. I'll be strictly honest with you motherfuckers. I'm getting into this fucking girl softball. I'm getting into Here's the first time It's like going fishing You ever go fishing It's not about fucking catching fish

It's about sitting on a lake Getting some sun And just being with nature It's just sitting outside And just listening to the fucking natural sound of fucking nature And just going wow You know how lucky am I to be able to do this

To come here and sit It's the same thing when I go to girl softball. I'm watching her, but at the same time I'm sitting there in the fucking bleachers, uncomfortable, nothing to lay back on, you know. And you're like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? I'm making a little girl's fucking day. And last time I checked, that's what my whole life is about is every day you got to make somebody's day. You put a little smile on their face. Doesn't mean you have to give them money. Doesn't mean you have to fucking eat their I'm talking about just maybe a hello, just a smile, maybe just a wink and acknowledgement,

opening up a door for somebody, maybe one of your buddies needs some help fucking financially. It's about that for me. It's always been about that for me because I'll tell you what, every day somebody makes my fucking debt. At one point, I go, wow, that was the nicest thing through a message or maybe through a fucking gesture or something. I'm always getting a great, you know, people are always, you know, today I went to the gym. And I was doing a move and one of the guys said to me, Joey, it would work better if you pulled it this way and keep it low, tight.

You know, he didn't have to do that. He didn't have to do that. He goes, your elbow sticking out and make it a little tighter. So when you pull it hits your lap directly, he didn't need to do that. He came over, said to me, did I tell him the fuck off? No, I go, let me try it like that. I go, oh, I see what you're saying. I do feel the stretch now.

You know, he made my fucking day. That's it. Did he give me money? Did he give me a fucking cheeseburger? Did he have to give me a joint? Did he have to give me weed? No, none of those things. He just did a gesture,

and that's what I've been doing throughout this whole thing. It's just a gesture. Sometimes it does okay. Sometimes it backfires, but you know what? You feel better for doing it. And that's all that fucking matters, especially now. know what it's over this pandemic is over that's it it's time to move on it's time to

fucking get on with our fucking lives it's time to you know make fucking uh grief you know somebody you lost somebody during this it's time to really work on it it's just time we're let let loose it's i went to the show last wednesday i think me and my wife are going again later on today you know we just we're doing more things i'm happier and i'm a different person Stand up when I'm ready it's always gonna be there It's always gonna be there when I'm ready it'll be there Chappelle took off for years musicians take off for fucking years And now people want to give me grief because I want to take some time on when I know it's time

I'll be ready to fucking rock between you and me guys I have been writing a few jokes are they fucking Lenny Bruce? No I'm not writing no fucking nothing brilliant but at least I'm putting my pen on the fucking paper. Do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? So all I'm asking from you is just to try. That's it. I'm trying at least. I'm playing the guitar. I'm trying to be a dad. I'm working out. I'm fucking walking. I've put walking therapy into my fucking regimen now to make this knee tougher because the muscle is kind of fucking torn and I'm just getting through it. You know, my leg hurts, but you don't hear me bitch about it. I'm not on pain pills. I work at what I got. I still go to the Jim, I fucking did, I am infatuated with my Weight Watch action points.

I don't know if you guys know anything about Weight Watches. You get 41 points a day to eat, and then you get 44, if you go over those 41 as a reserve, and then you have 61 points that you have to exercise. You're like, Joey, how do you exercise? So if you ride the bike for a half hour, it's four points. you get four points and I don't put it in the phone will read Google walk will fucking put it in so right off the bat when I go in there write the bike for 30 minutes that's four to five fucking points I leave my phone in my hooded sweatshirt while I

work out because I'm walking so I'll pull out six points out there if you work out with weights for 45 minutes it's about 11 to 13 fucking points so every week I I have to get to 61 points. For years, I've been hitting 61, 63, 62, every fucking week. The last three weeks, I've been hitting fucking 70, 71, 74. I think last week was 74, and I didn't work out on Saturday and Sunday. I did who guts? I walked.

So I got like four points one day and I got like four points of the other. I was done with my points from lifting on fucking Friday. So I've been infatuated with my fucking action points lately. You know, you got to ride the bike, and then I go for a fucking walk. So if I can pull down eight points of walking, plus the 12 to 15 from lifting weights, who do you think you're dealing with?

Joy Bananas? I'm looking good. I'm looking smooth. I'm putting CBD lying cream on my face to get away the fucking scars from my fucking ut to me picking my face and scratching myself. It's a whole different life, guys. And so I'm very happy that this pandemic happened.

I'm very happy that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, maybe I'm speaking too soon. I don't want to have to be like Rogan, have to come back and fucking retrace my fucking words and say that, you know, this shit in India is not good. So I don't know. I'm not telling you not to get back to something. I'm not saying none of that shit. What I'm saying is that there's a light at the end of the fucking tunnel right now. whether it backfires it doesn't backfire i don't know they're opening everything up july first

so we're ready to go tip top mugoo and i congratulate you guys i congratulate you guys for going through this we've exchanged emails we've changed tweets over this i knew a lot of you guys had a lot of struggles during this uh time frame but hey so far it's over there's a fucking end if you want to go to work there's plenty of fucking work out there ain't nobody going back because they're getting the big fucking 900 from unemployment I ain't stupid wow if you're giving me 900 and you want me to go back for the small nickel go fuck yourself I'm not going back to work I'm staying at home watching daytime television playing with my fucking chickens I ain't mad at

you I wouldn't go back but eventually you're gonna have to go back and eventually you're gonna have to pay that back there's gonna be a lot of by the ways after this that we're not expecting so get ready for the motherfucking by the ways By the way, we have a fucking guest today, whether you like it or not. I love this guy. And we had a great chat because just because I'm not living in L.A. Doesn't mean I don't miss my fucking friends.

I miss them with all my heart. I try to keep in touch with him every week. Two just, I went back and forth with Bert today. And this gentleman that I just fucking is on the podcast today, I just went back and forth with him. I checked up on him. So right now I bring you Tom Sigora. Thank you for watching. Tommy Bunce.

Hey, what's up, buddy? What's happening, you bad motherfucker? You're looking beautiful. Thanks, buddy. What's happening? So are you. Chilling, dog. Getting ready to move.

It's crazy. When is the move? So I move out of this house on Sunday. And then we go to a hotel here for a week. So we got to do some more work in town. Then we go to Florida for a week and visit family. And then we fly to Austin. So I'll be in a new house, May 10th.

May 10th. That one sold? This one's not sold yet. I'm putting it on the market like after we get out because they're going to, they have to do paint and stage it and everything. But, you know, it'll be on sale in a couple weeks. You look good. How are you feeling? I feel great, man.

I feel great. You still therapy? What are you doing? Any therapy? Anything, nothing? Not really anymore. I mean, I have my workout like regimen that I go through, but I don't, I don't have to do really PT unless I want to. Are there weird lines in here?

In the back. Behind you. Let me see if I, like, you don't see weird lines in the screen? No. Oh, okay. You look beautiful. All right, okay, cool. You miss Bert.

You know, I always miss Bert. I know you miss Bert. I miss all you guys. I miss my miss not seeing you around. But I mean, yeah, I think Bert's having a good time. I think it's going to be a really, really funny movie. I think, you know, we spoke a few weeks ago and I talked to him on the phone. And he's like, I'm not drinking.

I'm trying to add my. I'm like, that motherfucker. That is so not true. Oh, my God. He's like, I'm not drinking the daytime. Just a glass of wine. I'm like, he looked good. You know, we're all looking good.

I mean, yes. And he did, because, you know, leading up to leaving, he was working out a lot. It was funny because he's like, I'm working out like six days a week. And he goes, I haven't, I haven't not only not lost weight. I've gained weight. And I was like, how? But then you just know that he, the way he eats and drinks, it's like there's no. He eats good.

But people don't understand is that you eat well. Yeah. But you have no idea how much sugar there is in alcohol. Yeah. You have no idea until you get off alcohol. And then, like, now, I don't drink. I haven't drank in years. Not because I'm an AA.

I just don't like the taste of it. But there's a little pizza parlor around the corner. And I go in there for meatballs and sausage. You know, my wife. It's great. Right, like tonight after softball, she's playing softball, we'll go there.

Yeah. And I always do a sangria. I always do a six-sand-sangria. Fucking, it's this big, but it's six weight watcher points. Oh, yeah, man. Just for a little fucking glass. So there's guys like him.

Like, he's at, so, like, a lot of times whenever I'm, like, fat and I'm trying to lose weight, people always like, they don't know me. They'll be like, you should cut back on your drinking. And I'm like, yeah, I don't drink, man. I mean, I'm not totally sober, but I don't regularly.

drink and they're like oh and I go that mentality would work for like a burt like birth's the kind of guy that if he was like I'm not drinking for a month he'll lose like 15 20 pounds anybody will if you stop drinking if you drink that much if you drink that much yeah yeah yeah you know you guys all forget that my mother was a fucking functioning alcoholic yeah and I saw her lose weight and put on weight you know she opened up with a hynicking with tomato juice. That's how it started. Who does that?

Yeah. That's savagery, you know, in the morning. A Budwey, a Heineken in tomato juice. That was like her appetizer. But she's high functioning. She's running a business. Yeah, she's running a business. She's thinking.

She's numbers. But I saw what a functioning does. When I saw when she closed the bar, she just ballooned up. Really? That walking back and forth behind the bar was her fucking exercise. Yeah, you know, eight, ten hours a fucking night behind the ball. Oh, yeah. Once she stopped, she ballooned up, she ended up in the hospital, and they told her to stop drinking.

So I am, like right now, during this whole pandemic, I got a couple confessions to make there. So we moved into this house September 1st. Right. First couple weeks, it was rough. I think I had like a mild heart attack, August 21st after I got here from anxiety, just confusion, frustration. Yeah. And I moved into the house and, you know, we got into the community, the whole thing. And one afternoon, without thinking, you know, I started popping edibles in the afternoon, you know, dirty here, a hundred here.

Like I usually did, like my normal days in L.A. were, you know, and we went out to dinner with a family, like a bunch of families with kids. And I started nodding on the table. Like, fucking one of the kids was like, are you okay? Uncle Joey and I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. And my wife said something to me. She's like, you got to cut it out now. We're in a new fucking community. And I started thinking about it before I started the podcast.

I'm like, I want the podcast to be different. I don't want to, you know, you got to come back different. Yeah. So I'm not going to smoke on the podcast. So that was rule number one. Do you know it is 130, 1.45 here? And I have not smoked yet today. No.

Okay. All right. Good, man. Can you fucking believe that? No, I can't. So after my wife told me that that night, she's like, Joey, you know, you're your old man, but you were fucking high as fuck at dinner at the table. Yeah.

So I stopped edibles, completely got off them, did like a 45-day cleanse, no, no drinking nothing. You know, I kept whatever. Yeah. I just wanted to get my tolerance down. Yeah. It was too out of control. I mean, when I got, when I had the surgery, those five milligrams oxycodent, and I don't even eat, But they don't do nothing to me.

Nothing. Nothing. The five little fives didn't do dick to me. So I cleaned up my whole life. I turned the edibles around. And now you know what I used the edibles for to sleep. That's the best. So I,

Hey, you're coming on Team Tom, dude. That's what I do. That's what I do, man. What time do you pop them? Huh? What time do you pop them? So if it's, if I'm doing it right, ideally, I would like to do it like 90 minutes before I want to go to sleep.

Perfect. That's the perfect time. Because then you feel it, you get the buzz, and you're like, and if it's, you know, if it's the right doses, you're like, oh, yeah, you're watching something. You start to fade out, go to bed. I actually, I don't like taking it too close to when I go to bed because then I'm like, it messes it up. I like it.

So if I want to go to bed like at 11, you know, I'll try to take it like 9.30. I start my process at 9.30. Yeah. To sleep. If I want to go to sleep at 1130, 12. What does Joey Diaz need? What doses do you do for going to sleep? Okay, so I experiment.

You know me? I experiment with everything. You have to experiment with yourself. So at 9 o'clock, once my daughter goes upstairs, I come right down and I spray melatonin in my throat. From on it, I spray like 12 fucking sprays. Yes. And then at 10, I come back down here, and I'll take kickimo, the tinction.

that two milligrams THC but like 5 milligram CBN and I'll do like five blast under my tongue like tinctures now CBD Lion has CBD cubes with melatonin in it

really so now I could add that to the arsenal of sleep so by by 10 o'clock I got melatonin in me and the tincture and then at a quarter to 11 I go upstairs because Miami Vice starts at 11 I go upstairs and I fucking make my kikamoto

some nights I throw four capsules in there like those ones I gave you yeah like I'll go fucking 500 milligrams drink it come down watch 10 minutes of Miami Vice then I'll practice the guitar okay I'll practice the guitar I'll do all my songs

and by the time I get to like fucking crazy train I can feel the edibles creeping up on me I put the guitar back in the room I put the pick in the drawer and I walk right upstairs and it's nappy fucking no new new time nobody knows dick and I sleep like a baby

I sleep till 815 Wow to my daughter kisses me to tell me she's leaving I get up with her I throw some water on my face and I get a cup of coffee I talked to her for like 10 minutes, and then it's off to school,

and that's when my day starts. Nice. I go to the gym two to three times a week. I box once a week here. It's been all about health and mental health since I've been back here. That's great, I had to get my mental back in touch. That L.A., the last two years in L.A.

We're a little fucking rocky, man, you know. For many ways, many ways. Nothing bad. I just, I don't think. I think I was healthy, mental-wise. It was a lot of shit going on with me. I think there's a, I think this not just you. I think that, I mean, I understand that, but I think that, you know, this city is a, it's a weird place, man.

And you, you kind of see that it's kind of a, it's a strange, it's a strange business that we're in, like that that's a, it's a, it's not the best thing to be in L.A. and in this business for, like, you know, good mental health. I mean, it really can wear on you. It does wear on you. It wears on me. I'm not proud to admit it, but I'll admit it. You know, it was just, I think 2016 was my break point. After that, I just became, I was like numb.

You know, I needed edibles just to function. In my day, I needed all this shit just to function, you know. And then the pandemic came. And I started eating those. fucking anxiety pills. I had had them stocked up for 12 years. I think I took like three of them. I would take them on the road to sleep

if I wanted to sleep good. And once the pandemic came, I would wake up with fucking, you know, my anxiety stopped when I woke up from the surgery. Really? January 9th, I woke up and I'm like, wow, it disappeared. Because I had anxiety about my heart.

I had anxiety about my knee, moving here. Before the fucking surgery, they did every test they could. You know, like they did everything. Every heart test, every test, so I'm clear, so I'm good. So when I woke up, I lost like 50% of the anxiety. Then over the last couple months, I've been getting better and better. I was struggling on stage, Tom.

Tom, how long do you know me? I was struggling. Struggling to go up there and say the words. You were feeling anxious about that, too. Yeah. Once I cut that out of my life, stand up. anxiety, 20% went away. Wow.

And once I got the COVID shot, I'm good now. I'm still not jumping up and down, hanging out with people. Yeah. But I'm good. I have my moments. I go to the gym. I make sure both doors are open. You know, I wear my mask.

That's all you could do. That's all you could do. You know, I'm the lightest I've been in maybe 15 years. Wow. That's great, man. Yeah, I weighed myself today. I'm 18 pounds. away from my goal.

Congrats. My first goal, you know, and a lot of people were inspired by you. When I had Bird on a couple weeks ago, he told me that what happened to you really wore on him. Like, you were in good shape, you were healthy. And I think a lot of people saw that fall, and we all said, fuck it, we're getting strong, you know. Yeah, man. I mean, it definitely, you know, it was more mentally, and emotionally taxing than a lot of people like a lot of people were like you broke your arm like

what's the big deal and like yeah it didn't really affect me that way i didn't feel like i just fell and broke my arm you know i mean like it was it was much more like i went through like an emotional period in recovery you do like you know oh yeah man and like people that have been injured understand it all the therapists understand it but a lot of people just go like what are you talking about i'm like i don't know how to explain it to you man but it was a very mentally and emotionally taxing time. And I didn't expect it. I mean, I didn't expect to get injured.

And then I didn't expect it to affect me in that way. And, you know, like, you feel a lot of things. Like, one of the things that stood out to me was, like, day one in the hospital, I felt like tremendous gratitude, like, overwhelming. I don't mean when you're like, well, I'm grateful for my, like, I felt like overwhelming gratitude that I was in the position I was in, that my friend, like, Bert was with me. And I felt like so much gratitude that he was my friend.

And the whole thing was like this, it's this overwhelming experience. And like, I don't know how to really describe it to people, but, you know, if you're fucking around playing basketball and you think you're having fun, and then all of a sudden, you feel like you got shot. Like, I don't feel like I got shot, man. Like, my fucking Pateller tendon rips in half, and then I land on my arm and snap. Like, all of a sudden, your whole world is upside down. I mean, it's one of those things where it's like, it's one of those life experience. experiences where I know this will be like at this moment where 20 years from now you could ask me about it and I'll be like, man, that was a day that I felt like made a huge impact on my life. You know, it's like, it reminds, I was telling someone, I go, you know, when I was 19, I OD and I was in a coma and it was like, it was really wild experience. And, you know, it's a fresh in my mind. Like it doesn't, it's 20 years, more than 20 years ago. But it changed the way that I was living my life. And it's a fresh in my life. It's a lot. It's 20 years ago. But it changed the way that I was living my life. at the time. I was a freshman in college. I was doing the things that a lot of people were doing,

which you're a freshman in college, you're experimenting with drugs, and I was, and I was like slowly escalating, right? And as I was escalating, you have something real crazy happen, which is like an OD, and you're in a coma, and you're in ICU. It makes you kind of go like, what the fuck am I doing, right? And it changed me. Like, I ended up never doing a hard drug again, because it's traumatic. And so for this thing, it's a totally different thing, obviously, but it just kind of affects you in a way

where you're like, oh man, like I didn't realize I was this vulnerable. You know what I mean? Like, why would I think that I'm going to go to jump and my fucking body's going to break in half? Like, you don't think that, you know? And then, yeah, then you feel like this weird gratitude stuff. And then, I mean, I don't know, man.

I was just in this recovery center. and people are taking care of you. I was talking to a therapist about it. I'm like, I don't know why this is so emotional for me. And she's like, well, you know, this is kind of like, it's kind of like being a baby again when you're totally vulnerable as an adult. And I was like trying to, I was like, what? She goes, well, you're an adult, but you need someone to help you with everything right now.

Like when you're fresh in there. Like you can't sit up on your own. You can't eat on your own. Horrible. You can't do it. do anything. And people are taking care of you and all of a sudden you go oh like people are taking care

of me and it kind of feels like it sounds weird right but it feels like you're a baby and then these are all like you're momies and daddies and it just fucking it sat with me man it fucking did and then I go I don't want that to happen again. I don't

want to even though I was you know I was working out five days a week when I got hurt. I mean I was 30 pounds heavier than am now but I wasn't like sitting around doing nothing you know but I go like oh I can't fuck around at that weight anymore that's what I told myself I was like you got to get leaner and stronger because look look what can happen you know so I've just taken it seriously since I left there you know I eat clean I work out and I just fucking I don't

want to fucking break shit again man Tom I refuse to watch the video for a few weeks. And I gotta be honest of you, when I watched it between me and you and people watching, I teared up. Really? I teared, yeah, you might,

you know, it's like I just thought about the pandemic and what you were going through and I thought about your wife and your kids and then I saw the fucking, you called me the one day we were talking on FaceTime and you were with the therapist

and I'm watching you and the PT was helping me out telling me stuff. It's just so weird. She's great. I got my surgery January 8th, and I had to sit in that fucking chair. You know, I mean, it's an eternity.

You wake up, you're sitting in a chair, you try not to watch TV. Yeah. You know, you don't watch TV. You just sit there, you read, you do what you can. And I remember that after about a month, I said, today I said, I'm going to the gym. I went in there, you know, once the stitches,

once they pulled the fucking metal things out, whatever those things were that kept going ting, ding, ting, ting, when they were hitting the thing. And I was like about the faint. And I went to the gym and I'm doing my thing. And there's 135 pounds just sitting on the bench press. You know, a bar with 2.30, 45 pound plates. Yeah.

And the whole time I'm just doing like, you know, maintenance shit. I'm, you know, doing the fucking battle ropes. I'm doing fucking pull-ups. I'm trying. And I go, let me go over and see if I could still bench press. 4 in 45 because I used to do that like nothing when I was a kid you know so I walk over to it I fucking get on the bench takes me like two minutes with the knee I got to sit and I crawl and I go to pick up the fucking thing and I go I thought about your video really I thought about the video

and I go no not today with my luck and what the world is doing and after I saw the Tom video yeah this thing is going to go down like a rocket ship the train is on the other side of the room It's going to slide down. And it's like one of those things where I just talked to Joey last night. What happened? You didn't hear what happened? The fucking weights fell on his fucking neck. The way the world is right now, you can't take a fucking chance.

I don't want to take a chance. I got a bike there. I got a beautiful mountain bike every day. I look at that thing. I'm going to go for a ride in a neighbor. I'm like, not really. Not yet. The legs.

I could go down to the stationary bike at the gym. Now I finally list last week I got on the big boy bike. And I'm doing that. But I just, I stopped. taking chances after I saw you. I was like, the world is crooked. Because you had a knee replacement too. Yes. Do you, uh, do you check

out floors now? Like when you walk, and you see a floor like a motherfucker. And I'm at the third month mark. And I refuse to go anywhere because I can't shoot you. Man, I can't run and shoot. So if I can't run and shoot, I can't. You see a wet spot on a floor and you're like,

oh shit. Like, I'll fucking like hug a wall. Like, I'm not fucking walking near that. Oh my God. I walk like, I walk like Herman Munster. I take like two little steps. My knees are straight. I fucking, it is a nightmare. It really is a fucking nightmare what it does to you.

You know, and I had an accident. Like, once you have an accident with the surgery, like we all think we're ready. Like one day I went and did comedy. And they brought me up on stage. And without even thinking, I picked up my right leg to get on stage. And that just ripped my IT muscle.

I got on the stage. and I felt my whole body rattle. Like I was about to pass out. I had a pain pill in my pocket. I'm like, I don't want to take a pain pill in front of them. I mean, what the fuck do you do? And I proceeded to do the comedy, and I could feel the leg, the bone.

That's how much pressure. Like, it's just the whole leg. Two weeks later, I went to the doctor, and they told me I ripped the fucking IT thing. And I was like, I've done everything I could do. Fuck it. How's the wife? Good, man.

Tell her I miss. I miss telling the dirty stories and shit. Watching the glasses get fogged up. She misses you. We fucking, we're like, we're really, like, we're, you know, I've been here almost 20 years. And she's been here, basically her whole life. And we're both, like, ready to go. It's, it's like, it's, we're excited, man.

So she's, um, you know, I never thought that I could get her out of here. because I would routinely go like, hey, would you ever live in? She's like, are you, are you crazy? Like, she would just tell me, like, no. Like, we're not moving. Like, and, you know, if your wife's like, there's no way I'm doing this, you're like, all right, all right.

So that would come up all the time, and she would always shoot it down. And then it shifted where she became the driving force. She was like, I couldn't believe it. We're talking about like a lifelong resident here. But now she's fired up, man. And she's like, she's doing the road. So she's happy to be doing. to stand up again.

You know, we're obviously podcasting all the time. But she is ready to go. What is her motivated? What did she see? I think she saw L.A. really change, especially in this last year. Like, this city,

I don't know if you remember this or not, but I've always been the L.A. advocate. Like when you travel and people talk shit, I'd be like, fuck you. Then don't come to like. I liked L.A. I always have. And in this last year, I'm like, you know, this city has gone to shit, man.

So it's just something that I've seen. You can't deny it. You can't act like it's not happening if you live here. You just see it. Like it's gotten dirty. There's fucking trash everywhere. There's a homeless epidemic. It is not like when people go, I live in this city and there's home.

There's an epidemic happening here, man, where it's not being addressed. It's just gross. growing and this it's been poorly managed and dealt with and at a certain point you go and a part of this is the pandemic too you're like wait why am I like do I have to live here because we always thought we had to live here like we're comedians which you party is like oh you can live anywhere be a comedian and then you're like I'm a podcaster you can live anywhere be a podcaster and then you know we all kind of jump in and out of uh TV film stuff but you're like man it's not the main thing I do do. And I don't know, like, I can still do it. I can still get on a plane if I need to to go somewhere. I love the idea. You know, for me, most of my life is touring. And it's like, I would much rather tour from the middle of the country than what I've been doing, which is flying out of the southwest corner of the country every fucking other week. Makes a big difference. No more four-hour flights. It's two. You're two, three and a half hours from anywhere right now

from Austin. Great airport. You're right in the middle of the country. You know, for me, my wife started pushing this campaign in 2016. In 2016, we came to Jersey for the holidays, and my wife was like,

I don't know what you're waiting for to pull the fucking trigger. Yeah. I went to Woodland Hills. I looked at three houses, like in 2015, and I was like, no to all three of them.

I don't want to. I knew in 2000. 2015, I didn't want to buy. I'm like, I'm not looking to buy it to spend $900,000 on a house that's worth $450,000. Yeah. So that was very good that I was smart enough to see that. I came here in 2016 with her and on the way home at the airport.

She goes, I don't know why we're even going back. And then it was two years of just, and I think after I shot the Netflix special with Christina. Yeah. That whole experience, fuck me up, bro. Really? I didn't like it. I didn't like how it went down.

I didn't think that it was, you know, 2,000 stages in Vegas and we're doing it out of the fucking pool. Yeah. You know, and then the fucking war came crashing down. I didn't like what, you know, I just didn't, I didn't train right for it. Nothing that I did was right on that whole situation. That plane right home.

was a deep, deep, fucking thought process for me. And I said, I don't know what or how I'm going to get the fuck out of here, but it was just all downhill after that. You know, I look at those old podcasts, and everything has changed about me. My face, my train of thought, you know, I just kept going into a deeper, deeper emotional hole. And I was fueling it with the edibles. And then the pandemic hit. And it was the fucking footballs.

And it was just, you know, no, alcohol, no, no, nothing bad. But basically during the pandemic from April, from April to June, I basically did edibles to pass out at night. Yeah. And I would destroy the kitchen. The kitchens were destroyed in the mornings. My wife would tell me.

It was just a rough time. And then once July 12th came and they announced there was no school. My daughter was struggling. I'm not ashamed to say that. Those four months at home killed her. She's a fucking social butterfly. Yeah. So they fucking killed her.

And when I saw that there was no school the whole year, I was like, we're out of here. That was the pushing point for me was. I think you made the right choice, man. Yeah, no. I know from my health, my family, my daughter, we made the right choice. You know, TV and film, you could do anywhere now. There's something about this year, too, because I haven't left yet, where basically you're like, oh, because you see things stripped down.

Like, everything's stripped down. You can see things kind of more clearly. So it's like, basically, what I enjoy is pulling into my house. You know what I mean? Like, I like my house physically. I like the neighborhood. And I like seeing my family. And I'm like, oh, but like once I leave, like when I pull out onto the street here,

immediately I'm like, ah, shit. Like, you know what I mean? like I'm kind of aggravated. Why? It's just like the surroundings, the chaos. Like I just go, it's too much. There's like there's, I don't, I'm not enjoying driving to my office to do. Like it's not, it's not enjoyable.

And then I go like, I feel like I live in like a Mad Max kind of world. And I go, I don't, what's the upside like for me to staying here? Like what's the, what's my explanation for why I. live here and why I like living here. I live here because I've lived here. But to continue living here, I'm like, I don't know, man. I just don't feel like I don't feel like it does anything for me.

You know what I mean? Like it's like there's a, there's a point where you go like, what's the excitement? Where's the, you know, like what's the thrill? And I wasn't doing anything for me either at the end, Tom. Yeah. At the end, it was, we would just repeat, play, go to LAX, come back. it was a fucking repeat and play zone, you know? Yeah.

And I do feel that thrill. And when I was in, I've been in Austin like 10 times in the last couple of months. Man, I really dig the city. I love the house I got. I don't know. I'm excited.

Like it's, it's fun to feel excited about where you're going to live. And I feel like, I don't know, I feel like it's the right move for me, man. I'm really, I'm excited about it. When you went down there,

Austin is welcoming you motherfuckers in. Oh, yeah. Like they're ecstatic about this, you know. And the people there are different, man. Like, they, you know, there's great people everywhere. So I don't like the blanket generalization that like, but still, most people are like that, like, they're, they're just friendlier. They, you know, they say hi.

No one says hi in L.A. People don't know that. But there is no, like, good morning or like, how's it going? That's a very weird thing to adapt to. Like, when I got here, I was like, oh, people. don't do that. They don't say like, how you doing? People will be like, what? Like, L.A. is not a

how you doing kind of place. Dog, I went from Jersey to Colorado where people tell you good morning. Yeah. And the first month, I would go home every day and tell my roommates. What is everybody fucking gay in this town? I had a guy just said, good morning to me. Wanted to suck my dick. I thought people wanted to suck

my dick and rape me and shit, because they were saying good morning to me. I'm from New York where nobody fucking says nothing to you. You don't even make eye contact. And Colorado, then people actually not just say good morning, but stop and want to talk to you. I'm 19. I'm like, I don't want to talk to you. I don't fucking know you.

So how long have you been here? None of your fucking business. Keep fucking walking. What's the question? What are you, a private investigator? Like, I swear to God, you know, what part of Jersey? Who cares? You don't know where it is anyway?

You know what I'm saying? What are you asking me for? You don't know what the fucking is anyway? Just keep walking. I mean, how is that? Shell shock as a kid. When I got to California, I thought people were very nice. Listen, for me to look at you and tell you I don't miss living there, it's a complete lie.

I miss certain things. Yeah. There were certain things I really do miss about California. For my family's future, there was nothing there. Right. There was nothing there. You know, I had two, three years left at the store, maybe. And then you're a fucking old fucking dinosaur down there amongst a bunch of young.

young kids, you look like a fucking jerk off, you know. And I didn't want to do that. I, I'm having a great time taking time off from comedy. Tom Segura, this started in 91 for me. That's a long time. You know, right now, 30 years ago, I was working as a doorman at a comedy club. That's wild. You know, Chappelle's been doing it.

91? Yeah, Chappelle's been doing it longer. when I started writing jokes in 93, Chappelle was already a star with Robin Hood and men and tights. So, but Chappelle took a bunch of years off. Yeah. You know, he took a big chunk off in the middle there.

You know, that's what nobody, and then he came back stronger than ever. That's what I'm trying to do. That's what I'm trying to explain to people that, for me, every night, I look at the clock at a quarter of eight, and I go, do I want to get dressed and go to one of the local comedy clubs

and see Russell Peters, was here. Sam Tripley's been here. There's been 10 comics that are my friends that have come through here. I have not gone to see one of them. For me, I had to pull myself away from comedy. Yeah. Like I had to just pull myself away from stand-up. Podcasting, I love doing.

I love talking to you motherfuckers. At first, it was a little hard trying to pull the Bill Burr by yourself. That's a fucking nightmare podcast. Fuck that, man. But I'm starting to get better at it. I like it. Just pick a subject. ramp for 45 minutes

and you know talk to the people connect with them let them know what you're going through and get the fuck out of that I didn't want to smoke dope anymore I didn't want to come across as an old edible fucking guy I look at some of those old podcasts with a t-shirt on they were just disgusting they were disgusting

when we moved out of that office that fucking carpet was just drug induced yeah I'm sure all you had to do is all you had to do is walk in there and sit for five minutes and the drugs were rise off the carpet. Everything was in there. My mahogany juice, fucking THC, ketamine.

We did everything but coke in that fucking thing. Every drug was done. No, no heroin either. I mean, but it was acid, acid on the sugar cone, hash under a glass. You know, I have a new hour that I'm working out right now. And a big chunk is, I have a big bit about you and me in Miami. That's like a big bit in the new hour. that was i didn't sleep that night i didn't sleep at all that night

you took fucking like a thousand milligrams bro i kept popping them you know this is what i'm talking about i was maniac i was fucking out of control but you know what the funny thing is though this is the funny thing and i talk about this sometimes about you is that people that are around you like me other comedians

we don't think like we go holy shit that's a lot but we don't realize that you're fucked up you know what I mean like we're like oh I guess he just is fine like I had to ask you one time I was like do you not get fucked up and you're like I just had three panic attacks and I was like oh okay because I was like you seem like it's not affecting you and you're like oh no it's totally fucked up I was like oh okay but your tolerance was just my tolerance was so it was getting to the point point where I would eat like a hundred milligram capsule and I would be high for two hours. And then I give a capsule to you and you'd call me after a four hour flight, six hours later, you're still fucking high. And I'm like, something's not right. Yeah, man. You had me fucked up. I'm not kidding you.

I took a pill from you on a... 1230, 1215? No, earlier. No, I took it earlier. I took it like before your 10 o'clock show. So like 9.30, I took that pill. I was, I was completely out of my mind for, let's say, 16, 18 hours. But I was still high that night, the following night.

And the next morning I was like hung over. So I was pretty much fucked up for like 30 hours, you know? And you were like, you were on 10 times the amount. Josh Wood said he ate two of them one. night and he was driving back from san dieg he goes he was going to do the show in san diego and drive back he said he went to his room and he goes i'm just to lay down on this bed for two minutes and get my composure before i get in the car he said he woke up the next morning in that position like he was dead with his arms up he goes he just opened his eyes and he looked down he had the sneakers

on the light was on the tv was on you know what we never talked about we never talked about this when I came to see you, so I did my show and I came to see you, I drove across town and I go to your show, I had Mike Cronin, who's another comedian with me, and you had told us, you know, these are tens. And so I took mine, and then I go, you know, he's with me. He's a comic. I go, can I give Mike one?

You're like, yeah. So Mike, you want one? He goes, yeah. So he took it. Now, for whatever reason, for our own body composition, I get fucked up like pretty quickly. Like within, within two hours,

I know that I'm completely fucked. And you and I, we leave. And when I leave, Mike's not, he's not fucked up. So he goes, I thought,

he goes, I just thought, Tom, you were just such a lightweight because I was like, I can't believe he's fucked up. It didn't, you know,

you know, edibles, like sometimes they hit people at a different time, right? So when I left, I also remember thinking, like,

I can't believe I'm this fucked up. And Mike is like sober. He's like, fine. So you and I leave, when we get on our flight to go home, I'm fucked up, you know, for the next whatever, like two days. Well, after that, I finally call Mike. And I go, hey, man, yeah. I mean, so did that not affect you?

He goes, dude. He goes, you guys left. And I go, wow, Tom's such a lightweight. I go back to the hotel. And he goes, it starts to hit me. I end up sleeping on the bathroom floor next to the toilet, telling myself not to jump off the building. Because I kept hearing something saying you need to jump off the balcony.

And I go, what? He goes, dude, I thought I was going to kill myself. And I was like, holy shit. And he goes, then I wake up the next morning, like you said, I wake up in the bathroom on the floor, sleeping on the marble floor. He goes, I get in the car and I have to drive. He's in Miami. He has to drive to his parents' place in Tampa.

He goes, I'm fucked up the whole way, the whole drive. And when I get there, it's evening. My parents are having dinner. So I sit down for dinner. And he goes, I have dinner with them and I can't really talk. I'm still like just too fucked up. So then I go to my room and he goes, and my mom texts me. Is everything okay?

You're not, you don't seem like yourself. So it fucked him up for like two days too. It just started like two hours later. So think about that. If it was fucking people up for two days, it was fucking me up for two hours. That's crazy. That's just,

that's not normal. No. That's not normal. And I'm, well, we all were like, Joey's not normal. And I'm ashamed.

And, you know, so I gave you the edible. You called me at lunchtime. And I could tell there was a little anger in your voice. Oh, yeah. And then that night, Rogan calls me and he's like, what did you do to Tom, Doug?

And he's the one, he's like, this shit's got to end. I'm getting too many complaints about you. People are freaking out. He goes, you got to stop. And then we started laughing together. Because he was telling me the story, he was like, you can't do that. The Tom, he's your brother. I go, he was fine.

I go, it was a fucking 10 milligrams. He's like, it's not 10. It's 100. There were 200s. But my take from that night, my the best part of that night was after i got off stage i'm fired up you know when you got you got to imagine when you go on stage all that shit disappears from my world fruit you fucking i'll say this you fucking murdered now you're murdered now think about that think about what i had in my body

and what i went on stage and did it disappears when i go on stage is wild it disappears I had a, I was in such an animal mode as a stand-up that I had to tame myself back sometimes. And the only way I knew by doing it was by taking 600 milligrams. You got to remember one thing. And this is my secret. And I'm giving it to the world. And I think I told it before. Before I would leave for the comedy store, I'd do four cups of Cuban coffee.

Four Cuban expressos. You're not going to stop that. I would do one of those at 815. A four- So you show up, ready to go. I'm showing up ready to rip your fucking head off. I'm showing up on the, when you drink that much espresso, when you have that much caffeine in your system, Cuban style,

with no sugar, I won't put sugar in it. I just drink it like that strong. You're already teetering on blowing up your anxiety. Yeah. When you drink that strength of coffee at one shot like that, You're already teetering at that anxiety level.

So while I'm driving down the hill to the comedy store, my head's already fucking flying. I'm fucking flying. So I would have to take an edible to tame the animal down. 400 milligrams. You know, I just became, you know, for me to do that on stage, I got to do that all day. Yeah.

I got to be at that RPM all day, revving. When I get up at fucking 7 in the morning, and it was my dick is in my hand and I'm pissing. I'm already thinking about that spot tonight. And who's going to follow me and who I'm following and what I need to do to make that. You know, I was telling people the idea on here. I got a bunch of emails from people.

You got to go back on the road. I got no material. I can't even think of fucking material right now. If you want, I'll go out there, pop two edibles and just go up there and be silly and charge you $40. I'll rip you motherfucker. You forgot.

These people forget I'm a natural thief. I'm a thief from the jump. If you want me to go out there and just talk shit on stage for an hour, I'll talk about the Bay of Pigs. That's what I do. When I'm in a tight spot with the... When I was a kid, whenever the cops would fucking fuck with me, I'd talk about the Bay of Pigs.

And the cops would go like, what? You just... Like, this guy's on the floor, and you're talking about the Bay of Pigs and the atrocities they did in Cuba and Kennedys and shit. I'll just go off on that shit for an hour if you want. I want to be on stage and I want to be the best I could be Tom. Just like when you're on stage.

I saw that you do that. When you go out, you put tickets on, working out with Tom. That means don't expect dick. Yeah. When you give me $20, don't expect dick. You're going to get my mind. Yeah, you're going to get my mind. You're going to get my mind and me working on the material.

When I ask you for 25, I'm at 80%. When I ask you for 30, you bet a crazy glue your fucking toupee. Because I'm in business to blow that. motherfucker off. You show up with what's his name from Goodfellas? What's Morrie? That motherfucker about that duct tape on that wig. Because I'm going to blow it out. That's what I go

on stage to do. I don't go on stage to be mediocre. Who wants to be mediocre? I want to go on stage and fuck you up from the beginning to the end. I want you to feel something. I either want you to hate me or love me at the end. Even if you hate me, you're feeling

something. I did my job. I did my job. Totally true. So, you know, that's where I'm at. That's where the fuck I'm at. So that's why I was at that level. Now, I'm just interesting. It's so interesting to hear you like kind of reflect on this because I've never,

I never knew any of this insight about your approach or like what, you know, what the edibles were doing and balancing it out with like the caffeine. And like I just never assumed it. I just figured you were a guy that likes to get high. You know, I mean? No. But there's actually more, there's more to it. No, listen, man, I was raised Catholic.

I was raised to be a nerd. One day I went off the beaten path when I was 12 or 13 and I smoked pot and I realized that it was the answer to all the problems I had. My anxiety, my insecurities, it elevated me a little bit and I enjoyed what it did to me. I really liked the ride. I didn't like alcohol. Cocaine was a pain thing. My main thing always was Riefer since the age of, I think I committed to marijuana at 16 without alcohol.

Yeah. Like I think, I thought when you drank with Rifa, you ruined it. So. Yeah. I loved weed. I loved weed until this one point,

like I stopped. I smoked in college, I would say pretty much every day. And then I got here and it was the same. And we would, do just bong rips like in our apartment. And then I remember one day, I can't like specify the exact incident, but I remember having like a tremendous anxiety episode. And it really put me off. What ended up happening was like I just didn't smoke for a while. But then the next time I

smoked, my tolerance had gone down so far that it was like another anxiety episode. So I kind of avoided it. You know what I mean? Like for a while, like in my late 20s, early 30. I mean, I would do it like sporadically, but I just felt like so anxious every time I smoked. And now I haven't really smoked in a long time, but I keep doing the mild edibles because it kind of gives me that buzz that I like and that it helps me with going to sleep, but it's not too strong where I feel fully fucking panicked, you know? I'll tell you what I've been working with lately. Because I experiment. You know, me I'm a fucking scientist yeah of course so what I've been doing about a week ago my peep sent me a tincture it's a thousand milligrams in this bottle do you know I was

putting half the bottle in my fucking tea some nights but I thought about something you know Felicia Michaels has Crohn disease okay and she had a doctor that was a stomach doctor what do you call those oncologists or whatever I know that's a gastroenterology gastroastroastro so i can't even say the word i'm not even gonna bother so i was talking to him her her one night and we were talking about smoking reefer and she goes she gave up eight years ago for two reasons she her lungs and she's a runner you know she didn't want to and i go so what do you do to get high and she goes i got the best high in the world and she gave me a tincture she put it with club soda and she goes you're going to get fucked up after about two hours i'm like this lady's

retarded i knew this shit wasn't going to work and i got to tell you something about three hours later it hit me like a fucking ton of bricks so i've been taking that same thing and instead of wasting it in the tea i put it under my tongue uh-huh and brother within the hour it's nappy noonoo time really in a big motherfucking way that's why that's why don't wake up at night no more i use these glasses to sleep these uh goggles these uh blue blocks goggles yeah you put them behind your head and it blacks out everything i have been sleeping like a baby for the last month i you know for years i didn't whenever i would gain weight i knew it was because they're not sleeping yeah mondays wednesdays i was doing that podcast thursday i was getting up at four to go to

fucking a city and Friday I was doing radio in that city at four in the morning five, six, you know, you're off your fucking schedule. I would, even if I drink water, I would gain five pounds that weekend. Yeah. And I would fucking bang my head and go, I didn't eat dessert. I didn't do this. I didn't do that. Dude, do you know that the biggest weight gain that I probably went through was when I started

featuring nationally, like traveling to feature week after week because my, I, like, you, I wouldn't sleep you're making no money so you're like stressed out and you're you're still doing like you know they make you still do like press and all this shit and like I would gain like 30 pounds in the year that was it that was what I was doing if you don't fucking sleep for a guy like me it just fucks up a ton of things but you look good man yeah yeah dog I've been working on this this is something when I go back on the road I'm going to be ready and more ways than one I want to be awesome mentally strong now get ready for it so when are you in Austin officially May 10th.

May 10th, officially, yeah. And what's the rest of the year look like for you? I mean, right now I'm going back to, you know, I'm doing clubs. I'm doing Spanish and English shows right now and stand-up, a bunch of podcasts. And then depending on how

the next like six weeks shapes out, I'm either going to announce a tour in the fall that I was, I've been planning for a while. You know, depending on like vaccine pandemic status we're i think we're going to announce it because things are starting to open up so things are really opening up now and now with this case out of the way this this was a big plus

you know however you want to look at it yeah whatever was going on in minneapolis you know that moved on so i think we're good to go i think that uh we're good to go you know you got to wear your bulletproof vest you got to wear your bulletproof suit with your helmet just in case somebody's shoots but listen you got to live your life no matter what's going on out there the pandemic definitely fucked a lot of people up and fucked me up i'm not ashamed to admit it but we're here today we're looking good we're moving forward and that's all that matters i'm gonna come to austin in september uh coming over i'm coming over i already made plans of bert i talked to him before he went to fucking how much what are you drinking Serbia what are they drinking in Serbia right now

Well, he's FaceTime me twice with huge glasses of wine, so I think he's drinking wine. I love you at all my heart. Thank you very much for doing this. I miss you with all my heart. I never meant to do you, even though I apologize to you. I got you back with this bit. Don't you worry about it. Okay.

And then I just want to remind you of the trip we took that time, and we were in the fucking. Eugene Oregon Airport and fucking people are coming up to us and you and me are freaking out. That was, and I still remember what we were talking about. The racist rant I went on that day about fucking nobody will ever know. I remember doing Rogan and I was just after that weekend. I was telling the story. He said, he goes, say it. I go, I can't say it.

And he goes, because we're on mic. He goes, there's no way I can repeat this. And I'll say what it was today. I saw a little Chinese girl with like a six-foot-six black dude. And I'm like, what is he doing through a pussy? I mean, what the fuck damage? He's destroying the whole Ying Dynasty. Like, he's setting back to Ming Dynasty.

Two thousand years with that big black thing. I think about that conversation all the time. This last week, you know, every morning you wake up, you open up social media, and your dad made the mistake. Like, I usually go on Yahoo first, then hotmail. I have a system, then Twitter, and then you warm yourself. up for Facebook because that's the worst. The other day, I did the whole system, and I'm like, what am I going to see on Twitter?

If somebody got shot, I click up, and it's a white chick sucking a dick that had to be 19 inches, and it went crooked. Like, it was like a fucking sign. She's munching on that dick, and I'm like, you know your life is fucked up at 7.30 in the morning. When you wake up, you open up Twitter, and a chick's got 18 inches of black. I mean, this dick was thick. too.

You also talked about, you said, you know that James Winston fuck that chick. You know that she couldn't stop coming back for that cocoa butter. And like you went on about James Winston.

I don't even know what to fuck James Winston is. He was a quarterback. He was Florida State's quarterback at the time and he was in the news because some girl accused him of some like sexual thing. And you were like, she wanted that.

You were saying, crazy shit, man. And I was so high. I was like, shut up, shut the fuck up. Now you know why I don't eat edibles anymore. Yeah. My best of your family. My best to you and your beautiful wife. My best of your kids. Thanks.

And I'll see you in September in Austin, brother. Send my best to your family too, buddy. I love you. You get to my family, my man. Much a good. Thank you, my man. Okay. You're a man, man.

Grazie, my man. I want to show you one thing. Yeah. The cabin. Oh, the cabin. Yeah, with her. I got it filled with fucking reefer. Nice.

It's nice. What the fuck? I love you. You're still Joey Diaz, man. Oh, please. I'm still the same guy. You know what this is here? Keith.

Everybody thinks, Joey, what the fuck is this? You got a thing full of pills. This is Keith to make fucking the best brownies in the world. When I make them, I'll send them to you down in Austin. You'll see the devil. You're coming to the house, man. I love you. Have a great week.

All right, buddy. You too. Stay black. Bye. See you. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I hope you enjoyed that little. interview with Tom Segura, you know, it is what it is.

We're zooming for a few new weeks. We've got a couple fucking surprises coming up for you. By the way, my Patreon, I don't know what's going on with Patreon. I've been hearing across the board. As of today, the fucking messaging, something is off with the messages. It doesn't let me greet people on Patreon when you sign up. I hope Patreon is taking care of the problem. And tomorrow I have a call.

with the NFT people. So I'll know more about the NFTs to incorporate them in Patreon. And that's it, you bad motherfuckers. I got no dates. I got no worries. I got no problems. All I got is love for you, motherfuckers. And I'm grateful to have you guys.

I'm grateful that you still watch. And I'm grateful that this whole fucking thing is over and we can get our lives back to work. And in time, I'll bump into one of you motherfuckers along the line. and say hello maybe hopefully you know I was watching major lead the night and I'm like boy do I miss fucking Cleveland man I really miss Cleveland so trust me this will be over for me quicker than what it is I'm one of those motherfuckers that one day I wake up and I go today's the fucking day and I attack it but anyway thank you guys very much happy Cinco de Meyer don't get too

fucked up have a great weekend and we'll be back Monday morning tip top motherfucking McGoo now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors jack all right i want to thank you guys for listening to tom sagora some of your fucking bail some of his listen whatever i don't care guess what the only thing i cared about is i showed the fuck up that's the most important thing i love you for showing up also but let's get this party started the joint is brought to you by blue blocks i've already told you about blue blocks amazing sleep mass and now i'm here to tell you about their light filtering glasses they're fucking tremendous you get any style color or size plus they got the virtual try on on the website you can't get that anywhere else i've never seen that before and i

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