The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 06/26/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #92

Episode Date: June 27, 2013

Fan favorite Danny B calls in again. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Visit huluplus.com/joey for a two week free trial. Streamed live on 06/26/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, S&L, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. Again, that's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Wednesday morning, June 26th.

What the fuck have you done? Get up, jumping jacks, coffee, wash that helmet. And let's go to fucking town today. It's a beautiful motherfucking day that'll be alive. We're here smoking dope, getting fucking HIV. We don't give a fuck. It's Wednesday, the church, Lee's smoking. And this is what it's all about, baby.

The boulevard of broken dreams and how the fuck are you going to react to it? You know how? He walks alone. don't give a fuck. What's the story at Lysayat? I never would have expected you like Green Day. You surprise me every week. Listen, brother, I like fucking good music. You know what I'm saying?

Sometimes I joke around about it. I like good fucking music. And if it's got some heart to it, we're playing it on the church of what's happening. Good morning, Cox Suckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Then tell them all to suck your dick. We're here, the flying Julie Syatt with his blue little shirt on where he'll rock this weekend up in San Jose.

He ain't fucking around. I can't wait. We're going to eat good. We're going to walk around. We're jumping jacks. It's nice and sunny. McCormick and Schmitz the happy hour. And for everyone who thinks Joey wakes up at 5 only for this.

You called me last night. You're waking up. We're waking him at 5. We're going to take a walk. We're going to go to the elliptical. We're going to go take a nap. Then we're going to take a swim. I don't know how you fucking do it.

I mean, you're up until like one or two in the morning. And then you're like, it's 5. I got to go on. I got to go do shit. Listen, man. You fucking sleep when you're dead. I rest too. I get little pockets of sleep

in three, four hours but you got to go for it. We got one fucking life to live. You got to go for it. If not, it's a bad situation. Every day. These motherfuckers are staying home and sleep the fucking sun shining,

the birds. I can't see it. I can't. Even when I sit there sometimes, the daytime with the bed, I got to go. I got to get her out of the house to get some air to breathe their fucking lungs.

You still do it a walk every day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't do it Monday because it was cloudy. I did it in the afternoon, but yesterday I took it for three and a half hours. I was. Oh, wow. 11.30.

She took two fucking naps. Oh, we haven't talked about it. Great came back. You said it on Twitter, but we haven't talked about it yet. Fucking Gray came back. The love of my life, and she has not left the bedroom. Oh, really? Was she scared?

You know, I don't know what happened. All I know is that she slipped out. They found her in the garage behind the fucking house. They opened up the garage and she came flying out. She meowed for a day. Oh, God. For a day, she just would go, meow, meo, meow, me. Man, man, so I picked her up.

She has not left the room. Last night she did not leave the bed. She slept three feet from me. I mean, all I had to do was put my arm out all night, and she was right there. That's awesome, man. I know you're right there. Oh, my God. Listen, let me tell you something.

You lose an animal. You think about, you know, he could have got hit by a car. So here I am driving on channel and I see the cat. But at least I know where I stand. If I didn't see the cat, then I'm thinking some kids, like I told you, some kids are throwing darts at it. You don't know. somebody walks down the block,

Gray is friendly, she comes up to you, rubbs your leg, and next you know, you're picking her up, and next you know, you bring her home, and your son's throwing

fucking darts in the basement. I don't know. I don't fucking know, but that's what goes through my mind. It's never the good shit. It's the worst shit that's happening. That always happens to me. I always think about the worst situations,

even not like new jobs or new friends. I was telling someone, because I went to a comedy show this last weekend, and I like going to that stuff alone sometimes, because I was saying, like, if I bring a, I didn't even invite anyone.

Because when I invite someone, I always, I'll look at them and I'll worry if they're enjoying it. Like, why can't I just enjoy something? Like, even at a movie, like, I always think, oh, I don't want to go with someone because then they'll talk. And if I do go to someone, I'm like, oh, I recommended the movie.

What if it sucks now? I don't know what it is, man. I always go to the negative stuff. You're pretty much alone all the time. It's funny because this song is talking about the one we just played. It's about I walk alone. And it's so weird. I heard that yesterday.

And I was thinking about a lot of things that, you know, in life, we have a family and we have friends. But the people that bother me, you ever talk to people, I got a hookup. You know, if I go out to California, my friend works for this thing, you know, get me a job or whatever. And it's so weird that at a young age,

you always have this misinformation that you have people that are just going to, you're going to fly out and they're going to do whatever they do for you because they totally hook you up or whatever. Yeah. And this is one of those things, like the career that we do is one of those things that people go, Well, he's not funny.

He just did that because he's friends with such and such. Yeah. He had to do something, guys. He had to do something. Friendship can't do that much for you, but it's the people who depend on that friendship to move forward. A lot of people go, well, I don't need to do this because he'll just, and I thought about life.

I thought about even, like, what happened with me. If my mother would have lived, my wife said to me that day, she goes, look at the baby. If your mom would have lived, she would have been really happy right now. And I go, I'm not going to say this to her, because I didn't want her to think I was retired. I know if my mother was alive, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be with this baby.

I'd probably be in a rehab for the 15th time. I would have been a very soft person, you know, because naturally, you know, I like music. You know what it takes to be fucking listen to music? You've got to be lazy. You got to sit there and smoke pot and listen to it and talk to your friends about it. And in the meantime, you could be fucking writing a book

or going to school and learn to be an attorney. But for my first 20 years, I loved anything to do with sitting down, and I and smoking. But the same goes for television. I fucking love TV. I can sit there all day and watch TV if you let me. I know that I can't as a human being.

Sit there and watch TV all day. Especially football. That's the one thing I understand because I love doing that. And I don't think you were making it through the highlights on the Sports Center. And since I was a kid, I liked sports. It has nothing to do with sports. I just feel like I'm killing myself. But when I was watching the 76 basketball finally, 75,

I was watching the Dr. J. I was thinking about how in those days, I'd get home, and I'd watch basketball until the last game. Then I'd take my basketball when I'd go to the court. I'd watch the game with a notebook and take notes of the moves people were making. You take notes on the moves? Take notes? Like left foot forward? Left foot forward, fake.

Remember this Nate Archibald move? Remember this move? That's crazy. Then I'd go to the court at 11 o'clock, midnight, and I practiced the move. I'd practice the fucking move. But this isn't what it's about. What it's about is basically that you're alone, man. You're fucking alone.

And when the faster you get that through your head in this life, the faster you'll excel. At least it motivates the fuck out of me. Yeah. Like if I'm sitting there watching TV sometimes, I'll go, well, I should be writing. You know, and I'll say, well, this was the old me. The old me wouldn't give a fuck about anything. You know, when I was watching TV and I had Pink Floyd on, I'm smoking bong hits,

and I'm trying to watch old movies. Because I watch an old movie over and over and over again. Yeah. Now, when you say old you, do you mean Coke you or like it, even before that? Even before code? Just, it's in my roots. It's in my jeans to fucking sit there all day with piles of food around me and watch TV. That's who I really fucking have.

So then when did new you start? When my mother died, because I knew I had no time for that. Oh, okay. I knew that I always couldn't do that. I'm lying to you. I did it afterward. But for me to excel, I knew that. I had to put that in my mind.

That's my state of mind all the time, but I'm alone. I can't, if I don't pay the rent, I can't call my mom and go, mom, I'm broke. Let me 800 until next month. I don't have that privilege. Do you know what I'm saying? I've never had that privilege. So I can't call a relative and go, hey, I need $600.

Yeah, I borrowed money from friends, but it sucks. It really fucking sucks, Lee, to borrow money from somebody like that constantly. I was a loser. You know what I'm saying? When you're a loser, you don't know where your rent's going to fucking come from. But what I'm trying to say is a lot of people think they have help out there in the world. And you're alone. You're alone.

and the faster you realize that, the faster you'll excel and it'll eliminate a lot of thoughts in your head that you have for comfort. We're alone. When the doctor took you out of your mom's snatch, you're alone. He pulled you out, he cut that end.

But once he cut that fucking cord, you're alone. It's so weird how a lot of people don't act like that in their daily life. That's something I've never understood. There's people who I know who, and it's not always girls, but I know a lot of girls who,

they don't even like being alone. Like they always have to hang out with somebody. that drives me nuts You like being alone I do I love it I don't like I tell you why

I don't want to go to a movie Why? Because if I call in your four minutes late You just fucked up My whole movie Oh I don't go off

I miss the trailers If me neither If I'm sitting there You're walking during the trailers You just fucked up My whole day I do I enjoy being

fucking alone 85% of the time That's what people understand People always come Who did you travel Alone I don't want to travel

Joe says shit To me all the time I don't understand How you could do that bro, it's drama for a guy like me. If I gotta wait for you two fucking minutes. Yep. It's drama.

If I have to wait, if I have to, it's drama. Just like my mind is smooth. I like to do it alone. It's so weird. I'm an only child and it reflects. Like, you like being alone. I love it. And every once in a while, I'll get lonely

and I'll go hang out with somebody. But, like, I drove out, like, I drove across the country one and a half times by myself the entire time. I go to movies. not like a Saturday night but like during the day I'll go alone I don't know I just I don't know if it's

it's not that I don't like people because I'm social but I enjoy being alone sometimes especially I mean it's even more for you because you're entertaining people but I'm with people 12 hours a day after that I don't want to be with it like I like being alone like on set like when I told

everyone listening that sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on like Saturday nights I couldn't go out Friday Saturday Sunday night, go to a club. If you wanted. I like it once every couple months and that's it. You know, it's so weird how you need your... I like it.

I hate that shit when girls are say, yeah, you know girls, it can't be alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a... I can't stand it. I don't understand. I fucking just don't understand. I could sit there. I could plan a whole fucking day by myself. Oh, yeah.

It's the best. I can plan a whole fucking day by myself and have a good time. And once people come, don't get me wrong. I'm like you. I'm a social person. I really... But, man, even when I used to do crime. You did crime by yourself?

That's why I like burglarizing, because it's something I can do by myself. Once you get a look at, I don't know what the fuck he's looking at. In the crime, you got sent to jail for you, you had a partner. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck they. I can't count on them. That's what I'm saying. Now, how do you do in jail? Because you were never alone in jail.

You're always alone. Really? You pretty much alone. Well, you're alone. Seems like you'd be surrounded. Well, you have people. It's like anything else. You go to school.

You have people around you. But then you have sometimes they put two people in the cell. but for the most part I was in by myself there was a lot of overcrowding now but when you go to sleep a night you're by yourself there's always somewhere once you know once you go into the system whatever system you go into

then you have your cell and you know sometimes you have a one-man room I hate it all that shit like I tell you what event I hate is watching sports with men why don't like it I've never been a guy guy to sit there and watch two games with a bunch of guys

eating sour cream and onion dip and potato chips. Like once the chips are gone, let's go. See you let me go. Once the chips are gone, I got to sit here with you fucking morons and watch two more games. I've never done that in my life. I did it maybe two times and it ain't for me.

I've never been a rah-rah type of guy that could sit there with eight guys. Yeah. I don't understand there's a lot of fucking shit that I can't. I can't understand being a part of something if you're not a part of something. So, like, because then you're not playing the sport?

I don't want to It's like when people say to me I went It's like when a comedian says to me I went down To hang out of the comedy club It eats my craw Okay

If you're not going up Don't come down here Unless Dave Chappelle's down here You want to learn something But again I always learn from going to open mics And watching But there's comics that make a living

Out of going to clubs at night And trying to get on And hanging out I've never been one of those guys Either you have a spot Or you fucking do Don't. I'd rather go somewhere where I'm definitely getting on stage and go somewhere to linger and be a painy ass to somebody.

A lot of comics like being a painy ass to somebody. Hey, man, you mind if I do 10 minutes? Yes, I do, fucking mind. Yes, I do mind. I have a show. It's already a show. Who the fuck are you? You're just going to stroll in?

I'd rather have the idea that that's there. Let me go do a spot. And if anything else, I'll shoot back there. That's why I don't like following comics on Facebook. I don't like comics following me on Facebook. For what? For what? What?

To do what? I don't know you. You don't know me? What are you going to find? You think I'm going to crack a joke on that? No. Go follow somebody the fuck else. Go get your shit out.

Go spread your shit out to people. Not the other fucking comics. Why would I want to be followed by a bunch of fucking comics so I know their shit and they know my... No, get the fuck out. Let normal people know who the fuck you are. I'm going to mingle with fucking comics. For what?

Now, I was actually thinking about this earlier. It's funny we're talking about it. because I've been on a couple dates with this girl, and I really like her. And I was thinking about you and Terry, because you like being alone. Terry likes being alone. And not even that, but it's just that I was thinking about,

because I'm really liking this girl, and it's interesting when you, like, click with somebody, and it's, I can't imagine that, like, you have a lot of girlfriends who you clicked with, and, like, you and Terry are, like, not inseparable, but, like, a great match. How do you think that happened? Like, what do you think?

I was thinking about that the other day. I was people who think that they just stumble on the right person. You're never going to stumble on the right person? You're never going to stumble on the right person. So you're going to have to kiss fucking 80 frogs before you meet somebody that you're very compatible with. I mean, you know why you're fucking that chick, whether you're going to stay with the rest of your life or you're not.

Yeah. There's something about that. You know when you, and I never liked that. I didn't like that. Just going out with girls for fucking them. I don't know why. It made me feel fucking dirty or something. If I don't like you, why are we going to fuck?

You didn't even like sex or not like him? Because I got to listen to you after. I got to listen to you. One of my best friends once told me, if you can't stand to... Look at that person before you bring her home. Make sure you want to wake up to that motherfucker in the morning. Because when you're under the ether,

all that she's talking is interesting. Yeah. After you fucker, that shit that's coming out of her mouth, ain't that fucking interesting. You want to shoot that bitch. So if you want to bring her home, and we might do the same for them. We're a fucking idiot.

Can you imagine going home with me and waking up to me in the morning and I want eggs and, you know, I'm hungry, I'm farting and I'm scratching my balls in your fucking bed. It's disgusting. You know, girls date their fathers. Yeah. Always remember that.

Women date their fathers. So whatever you do, that's who they're going to go date. I can't imagine my wife dating me. One time I met her crazy father. I understood. Oh, really? You guys are similar?

Yeah, he's a crazy fucker. He yells, he's crazy, you know, he watches TV, he likes to eat. He's built like me. He's a big fucking dude. Now, do you think, I just didn't know your mom, do you think Terry is like your mom? You know, I don't know. The son dates them.

I don't know if that applies. In many ways. Yeah. In many ways. Terry doesn't take shit from me. Yeah. Which you have to be friends with me. You have to.

You have to. I don't like hanging out with people that I can fuck around with. I like people who can say, no, I'm doing this. You have your own opinions. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? There's women who become you. You ever go to some place and there's like a bicycle tournament.

And the wife, the wife is dressed up in a bike outfit. And she's like, you never like bikes until they're men. You were a lonely fucking ugly chick in a corner of the dance. You know what I'm saying? I don't want my wife to have my interest. My wife's brother asked my wife about my act. The other day is he still rough? My wife goes, I have no idea.

I haven't seen him in 10 fucking years. I like that about my wife. Do you understand me? I like that a woman has her own identity. A man has to have his own identity in a relationship. They just can't become one. Whenever I see people getting into a car and I see a couple outside with their kids,

and holding each other. Yeah. It makes me want to stab myself. Because I know it's bullshit. Just going to fucking out. No husband wants to wave goodbye. He's watching TV. The wife goes outside and says,

bye, thanks for coming. That's what my... When I first got married, that's what she wanted our relationship to become. I don't like that shit. Yeah. I don't like that American family type shit. I wanted to...

For my wife to have an opinion. I want my wife to have her own life. I can't date a woman who takes my... I can't hang out. I can't do it. It gets boring after a long. boring. There's no challenge. My wife reads, my wife don't give a fuck.

You know what? My wife and I have in common? What? Music. Oh, really? I didn't know that. Big music. Big music. We play fucking music all the time. That's funny. Outlaws. She likes country. You know, she's country. So that makes our, that's where our little thing goes easy. I like, I'm a big fan of country music. I don't know about it, so she schools me on.

Okay. You know, there's little things like that that people may not see. I never knew she like music. she's a big classic rock fucking wench you know that's why she's got the satellite radio in the car she's a big wench oh that's cool me i like it but i don't want to go crazy my wife has to have certain things she has the classic rock she has the heavy metal thing now did you ever date anyone who was like i dated the girl

the last girl i did it in boston was all like we were like exact copies of each other and we just kept budding heads and it just didn't work did you because i mean you and tarry are similar but you're not the same like i feel like if you're too similar it's not going to work out It's going to work out. No, she's hard-headed, but in different ways. I'm hard-headed in different ways. But it works.

And, you know, listen, man, you have to all... This is what people think. People think that they're going to hook up with a chick, and right away it's going to work out. You're going to have to give some stuff up yourself to make it work. Everybody has to cut off a little waist and somewhere along the line it meets. I'm very surprised about Terry.

Just like you, I'm very surprised Terry's stuck around. You are? Yeah, but Terry's not a giver-upper type of chick either. She's not going to give up. I mean, if she went through, how many years, was it? Five years, that you were still doing Coke when you were there? Six. Six. If she had me...

Cheebo's you going down on a deck of dose. Uh-oh. I ain't fucking around today, cock-suckers. I'm getting ready for San Jose. I got comedy right today. We got to prepare Lee. I got to get him in shape. You know, his mind is somewhere else.

I got to get this shit going here. So, yeah, I mean, if she lasted six years of Coke, you wanting eggs in the morning is pretty easy. But in those days, I never really said much. The addiction... Overtook everything. I didn't even, I didn't want to cause problems with anybody because, God forbid, I can't do Coke that in it. So you wouldn't argue as much?

That's interesting. So you, like, you would let stuff happen because all you cared about was the Coke. I didn't really give a fuck about anything but the Coke. Everything else was a long shot second. You know, everything else is a long shot second. I think of my life now, and I think I'm with the baby. I think of my life 20 years ago with the child, Jacqueline. and I see the differences

because you can't love anything when you're addicted to a drug. You can't. You cannot. Everything takes second place. Even my comedy, I don't like it. I didn't like it. I like this.

I like that. My comedy is in first place. I like that. My family's in first place. I like that. My life is in first place. It's not all falling second to cocaine. Is that why you think you're so serious?

Not that you lost it, but you didn't take full advantage for like 30 years? If I tell you something, I mean, I'm going to believe this. I was serious when I was a kid. I was very serious. I mean, I believe you're serious now.

Oh, I was very serious about anything I did as a kid. That left back really fucked me up. When you were taking notes on basketball games, no one does that. No, I'm fucking serious. Because we, I go to airports a lot. Yeah. I travel a lot, and I see people at an airport. Hey, he, he, he, he and about.

Pay the fucking attention. Pay fucking attention. Look straight. Walk. Walk. Look straight. Look around you. Look at your fucking surroundings. At any time an Arab could drop a fucking box of bomb or something. And meanwhile, yeah, he, he, he.

When I'm going through security and people are fucking around and there's like a big gap in between the belt. Oh, that's the worst. I will say something. Yo, come on. What the fuck? Yeah, did you see the show last? Who gives a fuck? Let's do this.

Let's do this. And then we get to life. Yeah. Then you do whatever fuck you want. But pay the fuck attention. You're the same one when you're driving. Same thing when I'm driving. Same thing when I was a thief.

Yeah. And I pick up my buddies and we're going to make a fucking thing. It's like that thing in Scarface before they go to buy the Coke in the hotel. In the beginning when they cut the guy's arm off. Did you see that part? The chains are. When they're driving, they're fucking around. Look at that girl.

And finally Tony goes, hey, beep, what the fuck? Straighten out, motherfucker. We're going to rob somebody. I want you in fucking pom-p-p-la-pom-pon-pom-pon. We're not in pa-pola-pola-pom-pon mindset every day. Look around you. You can see the fucking kids. I could walk into a room

and I could mug that guy, that fucking idiot I could take his iPhone as soon as he puts it down because we're somewhere down, you know, there's some people in their mind

they have tant tan tan tan there's other people have dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun they just walk around like fucking mobs you know who the fuck they are

that's most people but that's 60% of people all day I see him I want you to give motherfuckers the impression to your but in your head it's

that's the impression you want to give people let them assume you're a fucking moron but by the time you walk up on them and they come into your sights you've already got them

they're a pork chop and that's what life is all the fuck about is to give somebody the illusion you're doing something else meanwhile you're fucking their wife up the fucking asses it's hysterical how for years people before Twitter and Facebook

If I took a poll and said to people, what does Joey Diaz doing in the daytime? They think I'm in a bar drinking, jumping up and down, giving a fuck about who won the Celtic game and dropping stats and talking about all those stats for hours. But meanwhile, your girlfriend's fucking a neighbor. Yeah.

Do you follow me? You got to pay attention to what's going on right in front of you. Like I said, always give them the illusion that you have to tutta-da-ta-ta-ta-ta. Oh, yeah, look at Joe. He probably ate in edible. I'm as a fucking tack, and I'm watching you. at all fucking times.

And if you think, oh, yeah, yeah, he's going to be off his game. Watch. Watch me. Watch me. Once I got left back in the seventh grade, that was the most humiliating thing that could happen to a guy like me. Even in the seventh grade? Even in the front? Because I'm not stupid.

It made me feel fucking stupid. And there's a difference between being stupid and not being prepared. Yeah. There's a big difference between, you know, being stupid and not preparing your day or scheduling your day. people don't have, I'm in a great mood sometimes. When I finish my day and I look at that notebook and I see that everything is done to plan because at the end of the day when I wake up, I want to know how many things I got to do.

So today I got to do six things. So I write one, two, three, just like a retard. Just like a retard would do, just so there's no misunderstanding. So once I do that six thing, my day is done. I'm very happy. But I write everything down. Even if I'm going to go to the gym, I write it down. I got to go to doctor for a shot.

I write down. I got to write for two hours. I got to write that down. And once that's all checked off, guys, it's fucking Miller time in my head. Is that why you get so upset when you get like an audition at 5 o'clock or something? Yeah, because it throws my fucking day off. By 7 o'clock at night, I got my whole next day plan to fuck out to the minute, Lee. To the fucking minute.

That's the only way it works. It's so funny when you call me in the afternoon, you're like, it's two. You're like, they just call me for an audition at four. That fuck's my whole day up because I had this plan. No, you're done. Yeah. If you didn't get to me by the daytime, you got to treat me with the same respect I'm going to treat you. you. Last night I had to do a table read.

There's always things, maybe I'm stoned, I'm driving, and I forget to do things. But the moral of the fucking story today is let people think, you're da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta- but in your head, your fucking motherfuckers up the ass. That's the beauty of this. You're always fucking people up the ass. Always fucking be focused on what's going on in front of you. Yeah.

Always. Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey, let me get that. What fucking good time? Looking fucking funny. What good time? The only time I'm having a good time is I'm 69. That's my good time. time. When I'm 69, I got my tongue up and I'm looking at that little hemorrhoie popping

out of her asshole. That's a good time for me. A good time for me is when I'm getting my dick suck with a coke rock in it and I got a chick put in a feather up my asshole. You put a coke rock in your dick? Fuck yeah. Oh, Jesus. Not anymore, but in the back of the day, that's a good time. You got to fucking go to your mind and say, what's really a good time and what's really I'm wasting my fucking time. You know, it's funny. When I was a kid, nothing pissed me off more than when I go to a concert, the concert sucked. And I'd see somebody the next day. And I'd go, how was the concert?

And they go, it was fucking phenomenal. In the back of my mind, I go, it taught me that once we pay for something, we can't come to terms and say it sucked. Yeah, that's true. Nobody would ever go, I went to Europe and it sucked because they don't have the balls to fucking say it, that they look like a fucking idiot. But every time I go on a vacation, after four days, I'm like,

when does this descend? You know, when this descent? I want to look at this shit and these rocks and these fucking people. I need this shit in my life. And that's for anything. Anything I've ever done, it's like when I got the Laker tickets last year. Yeah.

I was dying to go see the fucking Lakers. For a quarter. For a quarter? You know what I'm saying? Once I got there, I'm sitting at halftime, and I'm looking at all these mooks with Laker T-shirt time, walking up and down,

and shit, I'm going to myself, there's got to be something better than I could be doing. Jeez, that's that. I mean, I guess... It's a horrible fucking way of the world. I was going to say it's good, but it's also, like, it seems like...

I'm laughing to be nice to... I don't know, but it's not that. I don't know if you're wrapped too tight, but it's... What I think is, like, people, this is fun. What fucking fun. Well, it seems like you enjoy... I mean, it is... I enjoy talking about...

I enjoy fucking eating. It's not all that, but, like, you're with her for, like, a full three hours, but it doesn't seem like you feel that way with mercy, at least. With... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. With mercy, I know that that's the best that's going on. Yeah. I mean, when I go to a social event,

when I go to a concert, like the concert stuff was great. By the time I was 30-something, I knew that was it. Yeah. I'm going to sit there with these people that they bank everything on this fucking concert. It used to break my heart. It breaks my heart. This is the end-all.

You know what I'm saying? This is fun, but it's not the end-all-be-all. Like Jimmy Buffett tickets. You know who Jimmy Buffett is? Yeah, of course. He sang a song 80 fucking years ago. Now people go see him. They put fucking parakeet things on their head

and they're getting a bus with a keg. Really? Yeah. Really, guy? No, I know you don't like traveling. But it seems like that's why you like the road once you're there. Oh, I love travel. I love everything about travel because I get to meet new people and see that.

I just don't want, I like when people come up and go, you've got to hit this restaurant. You have to hit this restaurant. It's an hour and a half away. Come here, stupid. No, I just meant like you can work. Like, there's nothing. It's not like you can have like a distraction because all you have is your hotel room.

You're working out and the show. It's not like there's no distractions there on the week. No. I love it. Yeah. I love it. When I go on the road, I know I'm going to get a chance to rest. Yeah.

I've got a chance to rest. I'm going to watch TV. I'm interested to see what you're like this weekend. I watched TV. Yeah. You know, like last week I watched two movies. I watched a dumb movie with Chelsea Handler and another chick, another chick, the cute girl. I just got the DUI.

Reese Witherspoon. Reese Witherspoon with a date of FBI agent. Oh, I saw that movie. I watched the Clint Eastwood movie with his daughter with Amy. Adams. Oh, the baseball movie? Is that good? It took me a while.

It's too social for me. It's got Justin Timberlake as a pitcher. Oh, okay. Justin Timberlake has a hard time being a Boy Scout. You know, I think he's funny in time. I love Justin Timberlake, but he didn't sell me as a major league pitcher, is what I'm trying to say. Of course not. That was a failed pitcher.

You know, I want to see a pitch that's a little taller. I think that was a bad casting. But Amy Adams, fucking great Irish chick. Clint East was as bad as it gets. It wasn't a Clint Eastwood movie, I don't think. No, it was. He didn't direct that, didn't even? No, no, I don't think so.

So it wasn't, you know, something fucking crazy. But I enjoyed it. But I had the patience to sit there and watch it with a notebook out in between with a cup of coffee, knowing I'm going to the gym to do the epileptical. Yeah, you're going to the gym. But the whole thing is in L.A., you could be going to meetings. You could be doing a thousand things. And you were in Lexington, Kentucky.

There's not really any meetings or anything you could do there. No, no. There ain't shit. So, right? I really wanted to see killing me softly with Brad Pitt and Ganvafini, but I didn't have a chance. It was on sale on the television on the thing. And, you know, shit like that.

Lee, hit me with some fucking music. Let's spark up a number here. It's a beautiful fucking day to be here live. What is it, June 26th, June 27. Six. 26th. Holy shit. Oh, shit.

A little pearl jammy. A little fucking Cheba Choo. A little on it. I'm ready for the day. I'm ready for the day. I'm some alpha brain. today I'm back bitches let me jump in jesuit lately I'll lose them now come get this fucking rea for cut sucker I'm ready I eat a Chi-bo chew I got vitamin

seeing me for fucking San Jose preparing oh shit have I got a little story for you spark that motherfucker Lee looking sharp with his new hair cut you put some gelatin there's no hair put gentleman that put some gentleman that put some gentleman and push it straight so he wanted to bonovis collins you see you know what I'm gonna read you feel better now aren't you've been doing them no I've been doing them I'm jumping jacks are fun bro it's funny I love doing this podcast so it's uh like I'm tired before you get here because I get up work at three but as soon as you get here I'll get you wait the fuck up cock sucker oh yeah that's why that's why I can't have any of the soda

because I have to go to bed pretty soon after this it's funny we do this you know we get up and there's mornings I got up and I'm like what the fuck am I deal with my life. But I know that I want to be a part of these people's mornings. I know that they enjoy it. They enjoy fucking around with us, listen to a little music. I want to give a little shout-outs. You know, it's funny.

I switch with on it. You know, I always go on different stuff and on it. In the last 10 days, I've been back on the fucking alpha brain. I love it. You do? Yeah, I can see through a woman's clothes now. I've seen some chick she had like three hairs on a pussy. Oh, God.

I can see right through this. You do? Yeah. Makes me crazy. And you've been writing a lot in the book and comedy. Does it help with that? Mm-hmm. I love smoking refilina.

I've told you that lately. I have. This is one thing I really like to do. Like, I've always loved this. Love this. I love, it feeds me. This is perfect for me. Alcohol never works for me.

The marijuana makes me think, makes me listen to music. It makes the music sound a little better. This is something I've always loved. Yeah. This is the best time I have. See, this is what ruined my life. This ruined my life because this cut right through the chair.

Like once I cut through this My mind is fucking on fire You smoke some weed You mix it with some alpha brain You do a couple jumping jacks That ain't no stopping you No stop. Have you ever Because have you ever like mixed the weed

And the alpha brain together What in the paper And smoked it up like crap Yeah No no I'm not gonna do that The fuck is wrong with you cock sucker No I've never done that But I'll pop a fucking alpha brain

A couple alpha brains Do a couple bomb hits And I'm back I'm back Motherfucking Look at Lee Getting ready for San Jose What are you gonna do this weekend

When they fucking tie you up They got some savage Peter Lonzo's going I'm looking forward to Peter Alonzo is one of those guys From West New York He owns that glass works Oh my God

He's getting right Every day he writes me Every fucking morning When I got up I got a new thing He's inventing a hash for you No I love it I can't wait

I can't wait to go And I've I've heard great things from you and other people about San Jose, but I just, I'm looking forward to it. It's a great club, it's a great little city

with great fucking people. I've been going up there for a while, and I just liked the whole, the whole couple days. You know, I miss my wife and my kids when I go on the... It's really weird. I used to be able to leave

to go on the road two or three weeks of the time. You would leave for two weeks? Oh, I used to leave here in November and come back in April. Really? When I first got here, 97, 98, yeah, man,

because you're trying to become a really good comic. Would you fly or draw, like, how does that work? Okay, so let's say I'm leaving November 18th. So November 18th is a Thursday or Wednesday. So let's say I'm going to start the El Paso. Okay. So I would fly to El Paso.

And then from El Paso I'd probably take a bus to Houston or take a ride with another comic. Do a week in Houston. From there, do a week in Austin. From there, I'd go to Miami. I'd take a plane to fucking Miami. Stay there for two weeks, make a little money. Do you have this book or you would just show up?

Well, I would have a book that. I would call ahead and I would leave. Like, I would leave pieces out so I could pick it up as I was moving along because there's always fallouts. There's different bookers you could call on Monday and go, hey, man, I'm available. I'm in Charlotte. I'm on this side of the country. If anything pops up, give me a call.

So I would go from Miami to, let's say, Davy, Florida, to maybe Jacksonville, to Atlanta, to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, maybe stop and do three nights in D.C. These are all weekends. I'll send clothes home. I would buy clothes at different Walmarts. You would send them home? and send the old shit home. Like if you have the socks,

they're getting all thrown away. Yeah. And I would just stay out there. From there, I'd go to Jersey. From Jersey, go to Boston. From Boston, I'd go to Maine and do that room up there. From there, I'd go to Canada. I'd go Toronto for two weeks.

Maybe do a week in fucking Ontario, fucking Canada there. Go to Buffalo on the way down. Syracuse, Rochester. Fucking back to Jersey. And then it started all over again. Now that's, that we were talking, three or four months. We were talking about being alone. That's really being alone.

And when you think, because that's even, I would think too much. You did? I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I would get Greyhound. I would mix it up. I'd take trains, planes, trains, and all the vehicles with the emphasis on trains and fucking buses.

Really? Yeah, I didn't fly a lot in those days. You couldn't afford it. I was making $4,500 a week as a feature. Oh, so they don't pay for you? They wouldn't pay your plan. Oh, you would just say, I'll come work for you. Yeah.

So you take a bus for $15. bucks and you're there. I love trains. And the nights that you're off, you've got to pay for your own hotel. So you've got to figure out shit to do. So some nights I'd say, I would get off at the threat, I'd say, fuck it, I'll sleep at the bus station and save on the hotel and check at 11 and get the whole

fucking day. Yeah. Oh yeah. You learn how to scam different fucking things. It's just really is amazing life. You know, it really is an amazing life that I know how to, I could get through an airport. I don't go from, I don't go to a regular window. I always check them for first class.

I got first class or not. I'm not going to stand that fucking long line like a Puerto Rican. You see three people? Go right in there. They're not going to question you. And you're going to say, I don't know. I don't know. I don't fly.

I don't fly. And they don't send you back? Like that security line at the airport that says first class only? Security line is different. Oh, okay. I'm talking about when you check in. Oh, okay. We got a call coming.

What's up, Danny B? You tell me, my friend. What's going on? out west. You know me, dog, the fucking son is that. I'm getting ready to go to San Jose tomorrow. I got my fucking edible in me. I got to go to doctor. The edibles. The edible, the lovely edibles. Yeah, we're not fortunate enough to get those edibles here in Pennsylvania. But you'll be getting them fucking soon. Soonish. You know, what people don't fucking know, Danny B is Pennsylvania is where it all

started for a guy like me. The best drugs I used to get were in East Strausburg, Pennsylvania back in the late 70s, early 80s with, uh, what's that? kid named Biamanti. Remember that kid, Biamonte? Yeah, I do. I definitely do. It's been a while, but that name definitely rings a bell. Actually, Strasbourg's a rock throw from here, probably about 20 minutes away from East Strasburg, right? Close to the Poconos, there, Cocoa. Yes, and I'll tell you what other town in Pennsylvania is a good comedy town. It's fucking crazy. I almost got my dick sucked there one night, and I was going to let the chick suck

my dick, but it was the first woman that scared me because I thought she was going to suck my dick and then rip it off and shoving her pussy and take my dick to go. In Wilkes-Barry, Pennsylvania. We did comedy in a fucking barn. Yeah, that's a rock throw. You know, I'm centrally located to a lot of good shit here. I got Philly, Atlantic City,

jerseys right up the block. So, out in town, you know, it's on the map. It's kind of quiet, but there are some fucked up people here, you know, and don't mess with those girls around here. They all fucking crazy. What's going on, brother? How's the baseball been treating you?

Baseball is. been fantastic. You know, the last couple of weeks have been back and forth, but overall, I'm killing them this year, Coco. Best year ever in baseball, call it lucky, call it whatever, but I'm killing them. I'm 55 and 22 and 2 on the year. That's like 71%. You know, when I met up with you in Long Island, you said something pretty interesting to me, and you're a very honest guy, even as a professional that you do. You said that you farm out basketball and football for information, but baseball you pick yourself. Well, you know, you remember me as a kid.

Baseball is always my passion. Hell, actually, I'm playing in a baseball league right now, a hardball league, 45 and older. Woodbats and old school shit. But, yeah, baseball's my thing. I know it inside out, but I do outsource a lot of my football, my basketball. You know, I had Donegie for the NBA.

Football, I use various guys. I track people, Cocoa. you know and it's tough obviously if it was easy everybody'd be making money so i just follow guys that are moving big money they don't win every game either you know they take it on the chin so you follow the guys that do this for a living guys that are moving some serious weight you know the other day i was sitting with my man john salami john salami is a writer that i hang out with director and uh he's from jersey he's one of us he's about 47 48 and we're talking about New Jersey stories down the show, and that's when I called you.

I was telling them the story when I went to your house that day with the guns, and your mom was about to shoot you with the Deca, and you were snort and coke at the same time. We got to put that scene in a fucking movie. Well, I'll tell you what, there's a lot of movies to be made about guys like Hudson, New Jersey, Northburg and Hudson County, the armpit of the world. But, yeah, those were the days, you know. I was talking to somebody recently about the steroid days. used to snort coke

shoot deca pannadryl wake up it was a mess I don't even know why I'm still alive by all rights I should have died years ago

I don't know how I'm still here I still remember you know yesterday was I think it was 13 year anniversary of Raygo dying a good friend was I went to school with

it's funny I was thinking about him and I called Joey Falado and he goes that's funny that you called me because it's the 13th anniversary of Darren Rago. And I still remember I had no idea about what steroids were or whatever. I thought people lifted weights and they got big.

And one day he came over, we were all coped up. We were probably about 18. We were in senior year in high school. And he came over and he goes, Coco, we started doing coke and his jaw was going. And he goes, Coco, I got to tell you a secret. He took his shirt off. He did a bunch of push-ups. He got up and started posing.

It was just me and him in the hotel room. He started doing push-ups and posing. and telling me how he's fucking shooting vitamin B and shooting something else and eating those, what were, D-Balls? D-Balladiana Ball, baby. Dianabal. Diana Ball, baby.

And it was funny. Anywhere I would take Raygo, anywhere we would go. We could be in Harlem, coping on the 13th Street, and go to a bar to get a beer. I go, Raygo, take your shirt off and do some fucking push-ups and stuff. This motherfucker, no, we could be in all-black bar in Holland. He would drop, do 50 push-ups, take his shirt,

off and start bozing at the bar. Hilarious. He was like a little pit bull. Actually, Darren and I go back even before North Bergen. He was the second baseman. I was the shortstop over in Fairview for the Lions Club. Our first stop, my son, I'm playing football. I know Johnny, they grew up on Maple Street in Fairview.

Wow. And then later on to North Bergen. But, yeah, Darren was a good dude, crazy. Yeah, he got, you know, a bad rap for the drugs and all that. He was a good dude. And talking about Darren, me and Gary were discussing Darren, because everybody misses Darren. Everybody.

Everybody. I remember one day we were partying at his house. We broke the honor. It might have been two days into the party. Me and Gary are looking for him. And his mother's away in Atlantic City. She liked to gamble. So we're looking.

Where the fuck is? You know, we're scared ourselves. Paranoia is setting in. Finally, we go into the mother's bedroom, and we open up the closet door. He's hiding in the closet behind the mother's, dresses all crouched down going then he got out he took a hit of coke and ran back

on it was a fucking it went on for the whole day you know so one of the last times I partied with Darren he was hiding behind his mother's wardrobe in the closet in North Bergen it's sad though man and Joey Falado what the fuck how'd he been he's in St. Louis he's a general manager of a car dealership doing great he has a little daughter the wife is happy but it's just funny how

you said that Darren got a bad rap for the trucks bro we all got a bad rap for the fuck i remember one night it had to be the fall of 84 and by that time we had passed on the smoking uh we were we were beyond the snorty we were making bazookas smoking at that point we were making bazookas in a microwave oven with uh oh the bazookas oh god somebody's getting cramps i got to take a shit too thinking about i remember everybody was on this bazooker crazy talk about a laxative what you take the coke and put the bacon soda and bang it for 26 seconds and then make it hard and you break it up in a joint

and roll the joint and then you'd put the lighter under the joint so the Coke would melt into the weed. Got it cooked the oils. Oh my God and we lose our fucking minds. But everybody's house you went to the Duke Coke they had to have a microwave oven. All right so I'm driving down

I think with Mike Ronnie with driving down Kelly Boulevard about three in the morning about to go somewhere to front Coke and who do we see driving by the bank across from the hashways but Raygo with a microwave oven this thing was fucking huge remember in the 80s they were still huge now they're small but this was when it was a fucking oven you could bake a fucking bomb in this thing he's walking sweating and we're like that and put it in the back why do you have a

microwave he goes do I got an ounce of coke and I'm going to somebody's house I don't want no problems I get over there they got a microwave that goes my fucking night he showed up with a microwave the fucking people's houses that's how crazy this thing had gotten I'll tell you what those bazookas I got lost with those things you know, fucking from 84 to 87, 88 I wasn't

even snort neither unless I was in the club take me back to the crib dude I used to get weirded out on that yeah I was smoking bazooks too one night I smoked I got out of rolling papers like I ran out of rolling papers and I was cooking the bazooka and with the weed in a bung

and I had one of those bungs that were like plexigran glass the night started out a three-foot bong the next morning when I woke up I had melted the bong it was like a foot and a half it melted in the bottom it went down at the World Trade Center you know the World Trade Center went down

fells speaking of bongs how about in fucking Long Island when that boy comes out with the big beautiful bong he loads it up for you and you're dropping on him oh my god that thing Cop off my bong.

Coco broke my bong. You know, that was those, you know what? I got to tell everybody that's listening. I know there's thousands of people that listen to you, rightfully so. This man's hysterical. At the end of the show, he spends a lot of time with the fans. Everybody's lining up just to ask you, how about that crazy girl that kept saying,

did you ever tell somebody to go fuck themselves? She kept saying it over and over again. Do you remember that little nut? Yeah, it's funny because, you know, Danny, where we're from, everybody's fucking nuts. So when I go on the road, people club owners always come up to me. Like, even the guy in Lexington was like, I just saw the people that are here tonight.

They're a little crazy. You know, it's so funny how these people are going out to comedy clubs are not the norm. You guys that come out to comedy clubs are supporters. You're not the norm. Who goes to comedy clubs? It's these conventional, nice white people that go sit and they're like, oh, my God, that humor. You motherfuckers from the church show up with bongs and cakes

is fucking weed and you're reeking of fucking weed when you when I come out to crack jokes I can smell the weed in the fucking air of people's brets it's brilliant dude but you know what they love you and I've been

went down I flew down to sea in Miami I drove up to sea in Long Island I'm going to definitely be there with a crew in Philadelphia at the end of what July 19th and so let me tell you some Philadelphia it's worth it if everybody out there you have a chance to sit it on stage it's worth it

He spends time and makes you laugh, man. It's real stuff. As you're telling the jokes in Long Island, I'm filling in the blanks. I'm telling my wife, I'm like, okay, yeah, that's the story when they got the prostitute with Holloway and Conti. It's like, I'm living it, as you're saying, and it's taking me back, and it's all real. That's what I love about you. Your comedy's real. You tell it, your delivery, your expressions, man, you're just killing them.

I'm so happy for you. Bro, I got my comedy from you, Danny B. You motherfuckers have always made me laugh. You guys have been to the original comics in my life. All I did was take all my friends and put them and made them a comedian and became that comedian. That's all I did. When I do my radio show and I talk about my experience,

and I do the same thing, I just talk about the way I've seen it, what I've seen over the years, mistakes that I've made, you know, getting into trouble waiting for that Monday night bailout game. I don't have the money to pay Mr. Holloway or whoever else, Jumper. Remember Frank Jumper? Was you part of that those days with Frank Johnson?

You know what, man? I was a buddy of his younger brother, but the word on the street is his younger brother's the shit now for the Loucazes. No, dude, listen, you know, I got hooked up with him in 84 when I was borrowing money from him, and I was running back and forth from California, Arizona, with bundles of weed. You know, Governor Christie prosecuted him, you know, back in 88, 89.

But yeah, if those were some fucked-up times It seemed like naturalized to get on an airplane With 50 pounds of weed Checking in snort on the plane We'll shit with the waitresses Leave there I don't know how I got away with it You know, but we did

Personality They could not expect it to be from you And what he's saying is true This guy would get on a plane With 50 pounds And go on the plane Do fucking bumps And talk to people like

He was really going on vacation and skiing Did you check it in or did you carry it on? You check it in? Do you really? Well, back in the day, listen. You checked everything in guns, everything. I would check it in. It was like a routine.

Every 10 days, California or Arizona, New Gallas, Arizona, kind of boarded in the Mexico there. Like it was nothing. You know, and I'd have a fucking cuck and coke on me. Just open it up in the plane, just snorting like I was fucking like it was legal. And I looked back and like, God damn, I should be dead or in jail for the rest of my life. Did they, did, like, the baggage handlers take, like, a couple pounds out for, like, the trouble?

No, but I tell you what, I did get caught. I did get caught in 1988. We got tipped off. First, James' brother Joey got caught, and then we kept going on. It was like a routine. One brother would go, then I would go. I got nabbed at L.A.

Hold on me. It was October of 87, right before my birthday. I got away with it, too. They, illegal search and seizure, but I'm doing my thing. I check in. I have a couple of drinks. I'm getting ready to board the point.

and sure enough those marshals come up and it's a routine search do you have any money on you blah blah blah so i don't got no money on me a few dollars blah blah blah blah so they can mind if you check my bet if we check your bag so i say yeah go ahead what am i going to bill sure enough they tell me out you got no warrants you have but you do have a shitload of weed with you so they booked me uh i spent a couple of days in uh in uh in uh the la county jail now i'm going to get a ring this is the funniest part Mr. Bion-a-cour was being accused of How much weed did he have? Nobody knew. I had 49 pounds of weed and my bail was

100 bucks. A hundred fucking bucks. Because they didn't know how much weed I had when I went in front of the judge. But six months later, I got away with it. Illegal search and seizure. Now, one time I went home to Boston and Joey gave me some edibles and I was paranoid about it. Were you freaked out when you would have it under the plane for like the entire plane-wise?

Honestly, Lee, it was like, fucking, like, I didn't care. I had balls bigger than an elephant. It was fucking, you know, we didn't care. It was like, it was a routine thing. Even though my older cousin just got popped a few months earlier, I'm like, well, stupid, he gave himself away. No, it was like a routine thing. Get dropped off, put them in, checking in with luggage, pick them up,

take a cab into, I had a guy in New York that would take the whole lot off of us, sell them in the candy stores. Two or three days later, I go back to California. and throw it all over again in a couple of days after that. But, no, I was never scared. I was never afraid of anything until I had kids. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep. So, no, back in the day, I was fearless.

It's funny how I used to bring you guns. I used to bring guns from Colorado to Jersey every week. And you'd check it? Check him. Ten guns. I get nervous. With a fucking T-shirt. 10-9 millimeters with the Miami Vice Holsters.

Remember, Danny? I'd bring the Miami Vice Hulster that Don Johnson wore on the show. And I bring bullets for everybody with the two clips. So you go, you were ready for war. They don't check nothing. Like the Wild West. I used to bring them everywhere. And then go fly back with eight ounces, ten ounces of blow in an envelope.

I get nervous when I fly that the toothpaste is going to come out of the end and get on my clothes. You're not worried about guns. No, I don't get it. I'm not going to go for that. Listen, if you're going to go for it, go for it. If you let that shit go into your mind. Remember the trip meet Tommy Russo and clag made out there? Yeah.

We're out there. I forgot what year was, 86, 85. We stopped. We picked up some guns. We rented a car, drove to Vegas, then to California, hung out with James for a few days. Got on a plane, and I'm like, oh, shit, I pull out the gun. Did he, like, you have any weapons? I just pull out the pistol. You need a carrying case for that. It's 50 bucks. Oh, okay. Well, give me the carrying case. That's it. It was like nothing back in the day. This 9-11 shit fucked it up for everybody. I remember being in Newark with a suitcase of guns, Coke,

and having a little bit of weed in my jacket. And they asked me to take my jacket off. And the guy went in there and took the chocolate tie out. I thought it was all over. He put it right back in, gave me the jacket, and I went right through. You're the suitcase of guns. Suitcase of guns, blow. He didn't lie, man.

It was like fucking face. Norfolk, Coco probably was the biggest arms dealer in New Jersey from Colorado for the longest time. It was a steal. El Colón-de. But no, for real, man, for real. It was like nothing. Nothing. What do you got?

I had a cop in Colorado that sold me all his confiscated guns, which were dirty guns anyway. People paid top dollar for those. And then I'd go to a store and buy brand new guns and bring them back. He told you. And you would make money because you were selling them illegally? Yeah. Okay.

And I'd make a profit over what I paid. You buy the gun for $200? I got busted with one of those guns. Yeah, I got busted in 87. I got hit three times in one year. It was like a hat trick. Now, what happened with Gwinnett? The Gwinnett buy a gun and it got took from him?

Did I tell you that about... Mike Winnett? Yeah, about 15... That's the names in the past. Yeah, I was at the comedy store one night and about 14... When I first got here, first year I'm here, Mike Gwinnett comes up to me. He goes, did they call you Coco?

When you were a kid, I go, yeah. He goes, I'm Mike Gwinek. I know who the fuck, yo, what's up? But I give him a hug. I go, how's your brother, Eddie? He goes, listen, before we move any further, you owe me $150 from a gun. He goes, I bought a gun from Danny.

I got confiscated. I go, what the fucking... Are you fucking kidding me? Go get a drink and let's go do a line $150. Get the fuck out of here. I remember hearing something like that. It was April 1st of 87. You know, I got busted later on in 87 out in California, too,

and then at 89 and 90... I got more arrest than fucking most people can count there. But anyway, April 1st, I'm up all night with the edlors. Okay? I'm living on Durham Avenue. And they just... We were at the house like 6 o'clock. Everybody's going home.

I'm ready to hit the bed. And all of a sudden, I get a call from, remember Joel, Tobia? Yeah, I robbed them. Everybody robbed Joel. I got, even that, let me tell you how intense that motherfucker was. He had an alarm on his car in 1985 that if you fucked with his car,

his page would go off. Do you remember? That's how electronically fucking ahead of the game he was in 84. Like he would hide the coke in his car And we all knew in those days We'll bust that fucking glass and take his blow But he had an alarm system

That his page, I got him He's the last guy out of North Bergen He was tough too Because he know I came with a reputation He would, he had me on fucking point But he let his guard down for like three hours Bang Yeah, I hear he turned informant for a while

Yeah, that's what I heard too He went belly up Now he's hanging out with Tommy Russo And I'm up in North Jersey Jersey saw. Again? Yeah, yeah, I don't know. The whole quick, I'm removed.

I've been removed from the area. I don't want to see those people. I don't want to see those people. I don't want to see those people, especially that little crew. That little crew had always the reputation of being rats, and I'm a firm believer if there's smoke, there's fire. Oh, my God.

You know, if you haven't been arrested or fucking in trouble, then, you know, usually... When there's smoke, there's... Since we were kids, Rousseau had the back. of being a fucking rat since we were kids everybody knew that well he he was a pretty boy he had no heart no fight to him you know i've been shot i've been stabbed but he's nothing i haven't seen you know spent some time in jail i've been fucking broke made millions lost it got it back so you know life's full of ups and down so and you live like a fucking doctor brother i love this kid

i love this guy i had a real i had like this guy that wanted to be on playing go no i got have Danny Be on it's been a while this is real I needed this back on the show I gotta be real which is because you know that's what I'm about that's how I sell myself and my product is by just being me man we're fucking family from a long time well

this is real we're family from a long time I need to have some family call in today I really did well speaking of family how's the little girl fucking uh just not time you don't know you look at this little baby and you think about your life

and you go, what the fuck? What the fuck? I walk around like you. I walk around scared because of the thing named karma, you know? Dude, I tell you what? I do nothing wrong these days. I can't even drive to the jail.

No, I don't do nothing wrong either. I'm going to be able to shop. I can't even shoplifted at the airport no more. I feel guilty. I used to be able to fucking steal a New York post and a thing of water. And now I'm fucking paranoid to even... I'll tell you what, man.

Philly is going to be great for one main reason. You ready for this, Danny? what's that two words Mike runny oh and Steve and Steve's Steve coming that Steve's daughter the son is coming

he wants to come a darely he sent me an email saying can I come in a darely I just want to smoke with my uncle Joey we're gonna have a fucking blast I gotta have Mike Ronnie call back on here again next week just to remind these motherfuckers

about what's gonna go down in Philly that Thursday night good ball player Mike Runny was a good baseball player I was gonna say call the cops How your cops should be there, but isn't Steve running your cop these days? No, he just retired. He just retired.

This is, he just retired in January. How old the fuck are we? We were fucking retiring already. How do you retire? How do you retire? I can't retire. Remember he was an undercover cop for a while and he would fucking go to work, Jack. That Joe would always go.

I had a calmly fly. He was driving around. Yeah, he used to stop by and see me on his way to work with the fucking guns. You know, I started telling the time I go all over the place. I started telling the story back in April, how, uh, at 87, how I got hit. you know, Joel calls me up, and he tells me,

hey, the GMC's here to take your car. I'm like, my car, because it was in his shop getting all wheeled up. My mother wasn't making the payments on the fucking car. I'm like five car payments behind.

You know, at that point I'm fucking hung over. I call my mother at the rush. I'm like, you need to get home. So she comes home. I'm blowing up. I'm fucking screaming.

My car's repossessed for no reason. I start throwing shit through the window. Louis Stipsy, remember Louis? Yeah, yeah, the cop. Yeah, the cop, yeah, Northburgan cop. Yeah, so he comes up, he's like, what's going on? I'm like, these fucking guys, Louis, my fucking family, they're fucking killing me.

I pay for the house, I do this, I fucking, this one, that one. They fucking my car. He's like, calm down, calm down, bro. And then out of nowhere, Joe Bodie, I don't know when at that point comes up. He goes, you all full of shit. You're a fucking drug deal and gangster bookmaker criminal. And when we get you, you're going down. I'm like, who the fucking.

to you. Well, sure enough, they got a warrant to go into my house because my sister, Sissy, turns in one of your guns. Now, I used to be, I was smart enough not to keep them around when we were partying. So I would keep the ammunition in the safe and take the pistol and put it upstairs. And my brother's baby diaper bag. So she turned in one of the guns and next thing you know, they got warrants for my arrest and I got a little probation on that deal, but yeah, it was your gun, buddy. My first pinched was, uh, with your gun. What am I going to see you? All right, so let me ask you this real quick.

So you got baseball going on. You're going into July, the all-star break. And then after pretty much the all-star break, ladies and gentlemen, it's welcome to football season. Yeah, absolutely. They got Denver going off as the favorite this year. Lee's very upset because one of his New England Patriots got arrested today. When I came in, he was sitting. When I was sitting.

That's okay. It opens up the room for T-ball. They knew shit That's what I got Tebow You know He's tough He can play a white out He can fill in for Glocowski

He's hurt a little bit here and here So yeah Tebow's gonna This is the slow time So what is What position is Aaron Hernandez play Tidenen? Oh

He's a tight end isn't he Yeah He was good He was great And Gronkowski was great But he just had his fucking six surgery And a back surgery

Two weeks ago Who? Gronkowski The other Tide end Okay So I'm I don't know what's going to happen this year. People's going to be big there, Lee.

You think he's going to catch? You think he's going to be able to catch balls? Get the respect he deserves. That'd be awesome. I mean, we don't welcome anymore. We don't have Tom Brady, but he has no one to throw to right now, so hopefully you're right. And what are eight to one. So they're number three to win it.

Broncos, 11 to 2, San Fran's 6 to 1, Pax, and Seattle are going off at 8 to 1. So, yeah, they're still facing. They're one of the top teams, and how can you not be when you got Billichick and Brady? But you're going to see people going to show their people. I don't like the way they've been hard on this guy, you know. The guy's nothing but a good kid. He plays hard. And so what?

He's not a quarterback. He's not your typical quarterback. So what? He's a winner. You know, I'm different. My approach to sports is different than most, but I'm a winner. So what the fuck? I go up.

People are haters. And speaking of hate it, what do you think of this, this Paula Dean? bigger than not. Listen, behind closed doors, everybody says the word, nigger. Whether they hate it or they don't, or they don't, it's just the way their nature and those fucking animals

say it all the time. So, you know, when I say it, when I came from Cuba, I hung out with the brothers. They were the first friends I had in the 125th Street in Harlem. So even when I fuck around and go, yo, nigger, whatever. I don't hate nobody. My idol's a Julius serving, Mahamahili,

and Richard Pryor. How the fucking I hate niggins? You know what I'm saying? But there's people that really, you know, whatever. Listen, when I was locked off and shit, you know, I've seen it all military at a young age. People are people, you know, some of the worst people I've ever met are your white trash. And I'm sorry if I offend anybody, but white trash is worse than anything. So I look the other way at that shit. I use the N-word here and here, but I don't mean no harm by it.

No. I say, you spit two a thousand times. I love Spanish people. Well, that's the thing. She told a black person that you wanted all the waiters at, at one of her family's weddings to dress up like slaves. So she was saying that hate. Yeah, she denied that today on the show.

Oh, did she really? That's hysteria. Yeah, she gave her best to, you know, but I don't think it worked. She didn't come off very convincing. They should tie her up and put some of the jungle dick in her ass. You know what, but, you know, it's people who are haters. Everybody's looking to take a shot at somebody.

You know, people take shots at me because of my parents. I don't give a fuck. I don't go to nowhere. You know what? Bottom line is, people are fucking people. You know, for fucking, I got to tell you something, Danny, for after I got divorced, and that lady said a few things to me,

and plus the shit from my childhood, for about seven or eight years, I walked around on this shame. And every once in a while, I would get high and tell one of these stories to somebody about mugging a hooker or you biting Roger's ear off or fucking, you know, snort and coke with Darrell Dawkins off a refrigerator.

In fact, Joelle was the ball boy for the Nets. That's the guy I talked about. Joel was a ball boy for the Nets when we were growing up. And they would give them the sneakers after every game. They would throw away their sneakers and Joel would sell them and then get blow and sell to Darrell Dawkins. That's the guy we're talking about. I was embarrassed about my mother.

I was embarrassed about my family, my mother doing blow and my father. And then when I said, what the fuck? I came out all right. You know what I'm saying? Who gives a fuck? You sure did. Who gives a fuck? You know, sometimes you look back, especially when you're a parent, you're like, you try to do the right thing. And image is important for your kids.

But you know what it is? What is? I would do things differently. Well, shit, I was raised without any guidance. I came out or wrong. I evaluated. I did okay. You know, I'm not a no quiet boy.

Listen, you know what hurts the kid? The only church I go to is this church. You know what hurts the kid the most when they get lied to? It's not about your image The kids will accept you The kids are like dogs and cats They'll accept you Kids get pissed

When we get lied to anybody in this room Still pissed at one of our parents Were lying to us Something could be something simple That till this day we get mad about When your mom and dad got divorced Maybe your dad lied to you Your mom

It bothers you So a parent lying today I gotta tell my daughter everything And I gotta have her find strength in that The same way I found the strength in that So what? I see what? I should. stole this. So what I robbed this. This is

why now I got to work that much harder, Danny. You know, and that's what that's what this is. I'm taking a piss right now, so don't mind me. No, no, go ahead. Danny B, where can they find you? What's going on for football season? Are you running a special? Let us know what's going on. Real fast. Well, I'm done pissing.

I piss a lot. You know what? I got some nice deals going on, especially for church members. You know, right now I got $120 special for the month. It's four weeks of plays. I don't play a lot, but you're getting anywhere from 28 to 30 games a month. Just enough to what you beat, make enough money.

Less is better in my business. You know, I'm just battling with this internet. I'm learning a whole new thing here. I'm a radio guy. For the last 20 years, it's been television and radio. Now I'm into social media. Anytime you lose a game that's looking to take shots at you. It's like an ugly world out there.

But, you know, I'm just doing my thing, and I'm running specials. One day I have this special going on next week, another special, but I treat all the church members differently because any friend of yours is a friend of mine. I love you, Coxuck. I'm going to see you in Philadelphia and get ready to rock. Yeah, listen, thanks a lot.

And Lee, thanks for helping out, because I'm ready to start my... Yeah, yeah, he's going to start my podcast. I'm doing my podcast after the All-Star breaks. Break twice a week, Monday and Friday. I'm going to start talking football and recap and all that neat stuff and hope to have one for his guest. I'll be on there, brother.

You know, I love you at all in my heart. Hey, he's back at you, man. Just loving kisses and I'll keep in touch. Give the wife a kiss. She's a beautiful wife. Give her a kiss. I love her and give the kids a kiss too. I will do that.

My little kid's upstairs running around like Chuckie. He's a little nut. Or do you get these little footprint. But anyway, listen, if you're kicking me off, I'll let you go. If not, I'll keep talking. I'll let you go. I got to get the fuck out of. I got to go start my day, cuck, sucker.

Yeah, you know, I started calling you at 6.45 a.m. this morning. Your time. I know. When I got up, I said, what's he doing? Calling who? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know. I know. I thought my time. I'm sorry, brother. That's okay. I was up anyway. But listen, guys, love and kisses and love you. I love the baby.

Lee, thanks for your help. I got one of your church members, Andrew. Andrew, Tomasino. Tomasino. Tomasino. So he's going to help him. He's going to be his producer. Yeah, good dude, he's going to be my league.

Only he's Italian. All right, he's the flying Jew. I'm going to have him fly up to San Jose this week, and everything's going to be beautiful. I'll get a hold of you next week, Cocksucker. Okay, thanks a lot, buddy. Thank you. Thank you.

Danny B.Wins.com. Danny B.Wins.com, cocksuckers. Do you know the way to San Jose, motherfucker? I don't know nothing. I'll see you later, buddy. Thanks for your time. Appreciate it. You too.

What's up, Lisa? Where's the fucking... I got to do some shoutouts and Shalee, you're slipping this morning. I'm sorry. I'm going to give a shout out to my girl, Melissa Perez, coming to the late show Friday. Mark Wren, I love you, Cocksucker. Leon, Debt Squad from coast to coast, down to Australia, all the way to Debt Squad, Japan, Debt Squad, Harlem, Dead Squad, Bolivia.

I love Dead Squad. I've been not giving your shots out lately. Jill Himitsu, hope you get well. Rex fucking up in Seattle. Frank Westland, Jeremy Kennedy, and my... man, Danny Lyons, in the fucking house, bitches. What do you got from you,

don't just fucking sit there? I like the color on that shirt. It's beautiful. It's very nice on you. Don't wear a white shirt on the need no more. What should I wear? Nothing. Hair. You're a Jew. I have hair. Well, then let it pop out. You're a t-shirt like you're going to go to some insurance conference. You know what I'm saying? You'll Lisa.

I ain't got time for this shit. You're the flying fucking Jew. So you want me to... But it's blue and white. That's what I did. I didn't bother you this morning on edibles because you're going to have enough problems. weekend. Oh yeah, you've been saying that. You've been calling me for weeks.

Like, dude, they're making this cake for you. It's an ice cream cake. Where was fucking Woodstock in New York? Where was the other one? The crazy one. Oh, Altimino or Alta? All that shit up there. There's still people up there.

Those people from Altamino, they're waiting for you. I got an email the other day. Some guys are going. They're paying for tickets to watch the show, but they're coming to torture you. This is why I told you Monday. Eat these fucking edibles because I'm not going to carry you. You're going to wake up. You're going to wake up in an alley and San Jose.

Your pants are going to be untied. Your ass is going to hurt. Your dick's going to be red. Why are they going to do my pants? Because they're going to rape you. You're at least they want to give you an edible and have some chick-fuck your brains out. I'm not kidding you. I'm trying to pay you.

I've never lied to you. I'm like your fucking drill sergeant here. I'm your father, uncle, mother, wife for the rest of your fucking life until your father comes. And I take a few days off. You're my wife? Everything until your father gets here and I take a few days off. So I'm just telling you right now. All right.

Cucks like I had a yell at him this morning. He's like, I don't want to eat. I didn't have time for that shit. You're a soldier. You're a church of what's happening now, soldier. There's no more juice and there's no more nothing. We're going commando this weekend. We're going to commando.

I don't expect to do a podcast. If you call me Monday morning go, Joey, don't come over here. I can't do a podcast because I'm sick. I'd be proud. No, you wouldn't. Yes, I wouldn't. You'd be knocking on the door. No, we'll do it in the afternoon.

But that's the plan for Monday. You're going to party so hard this weekend. You're going to get back Sunday. You're going to go to sleep on Monday. You won't be able to... I haven't drank in a while. I'm looking forward. I'm telling you.

I'm not kidding you. I'm telling you as your friend, your uncle, to take the stick out of your asses. Anyone who wants to come out and do... I love tequila shots. That's what I want to do. There's no fucking crime. Melissa Perez is shaving her asshole right now.

She says she stopped shitting since Monday. Oh. So Friday night late show, Melissa, beautiful because she's fucking beautiful. She's going to fart in your face. Why? You love... I ain't said, why, who, he? I don't know. You like the, like, they don't shit since Monday. It's just sitting in there.

It's just sitting in there, compressed. If you stop shitting this morning, like after you shit today, it's Wednesday, if you don't shit until Friday or Saturday, see what happens. I don't want to see what happens. You get this air around your ass. Even when you pull your pants off, your ass stinks, because it's compressed right in, it's like a keg right in the blow. And then after some cocktails, a couple of mozzarella sticks,

at the comedy show, then we'll give her a cup of coffee. I'm going to take you upstairs. I'm bringing the camera. Thank God we have that. Boom! You wouldn't want to miss this. And I want your face looking like a zebra. I get like a little block dots like somebody.

You look like Travolta. And Pope Fiction when he killed a guy and you have little pieces of blood in this fucking head. Don't you want some shit on your face this couple parts of this? I've come to terms a little bit with the fart. Why does it have to be shit on my face? Because that's part of the patois. You ain't going to shoot nobody. You don't have blood on you.

You're not going to eat spaghetti without some sauce on your shirt. But the sauce When you eat a fucking bagel with cream cheese With the tomato, nice and the onions Yeah Don't you get a little cream sheet on your shirt It's not shit And don't you get a little couple seeds

From the poppy seed on your shirt Come on, Lee You gotta give me a breather here What talk to me about fucking Hulu Plus What the fuck? You haven't said none of now Well, I was gonna do it later But it's my saving grace man

I love Hulu Plus You like my wife's digging it too I knew she what My wife likes all that stuff I watch the Daily Show on it. I love the Daily Show. I think it's funny. John Stewart's on a break right now,

but they have that. They have family guy, which I love. I love family guy. They have Parks and Rec, which I think she's very funny. They have tons of shows. So just go to Joey Diaz.net. There's a banner there. Go to Huluplus.com slash Joey.

Because we talked about it, it doesn't have to be lowercase anymore. So go for it and just go. It really, they don't ask for your credit card. They don't ask for anything. You get two weeks for free. and that's it. Two weeks.

Who gives you two weeks? Some people don't even give you two fucking hours or two fingers up there. Lee, where's some fucking music for me? Get this day going. You got the weekend. That's it, motherfuckers. Fourth of July is next weekend.

Dun, da, da, tan, dun, tan, tan, hit it, Lee. Oh shit. Little ACDC fucking power rage or something for the Australians. I love you, motherfuckers. You know what I love these people.

That's why we do this shit, Lee. I know you do. We ain't going nowhere. I'm two stones. I got to drive home. I don't even know if I got to cut off Asians like an Asian. What else, Lee? We're going to fucking San Jose.

We're going to Philadelphia in July, ACDC, and that's all I got for you motherfuckers today. If you're not putting an alpha brain in your system, if you're not putting strong bones, if you're not trying to have protein from Anit. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Go to Onet.com. Order something.

In the box, press church. Press church. You're not going to be fucking sorry. No. And don't forget, do something today. Writer Joe. Hit it, Dylan. Go Lee

Oh shit Wiggle for Uncle Joy Lee There you go, God's like you haven't wiggled In a while You don't jump in jacks now Oh That's a boy Speaking of shit

Do you shit when you smoke Because every time I get really high I take it like the best shits I don't know what I'm Tremendous It keeps your digestive track open Is that what it is? Yeah

And if you smoke a joint And drink a half a cup of coffee With some oatmeal on an apple You know I went to the doctor once I go doc I got a doctor too much. He goes, no, there's no

logging shit in too much. It's good. That means everything's moving. It's when you're sitting there stale and you got, you know, pockets of meat in there and stuff like that. Guess where I went last night with my wife? Where do you go? We got a gift certificate to Arnie Morton's. Oh, you went? Last night because we were the pinch. We went, I had the halibut.

Oh, was it good? And the salad? Yeah, it was delicious. You got fish at the steakhouse? My wife got the steak and I got a little steak. I can't eat meat every day. Lee? Really? I'm 50 fucking years old. I can't be clogging up to fucking use the pores, the fucking valves.

I can't do that every day. And I had a Piccadillo for breakfast, you know, for lunch, the ground beef with the potatoes, the Cuban stuff. Yeah. I didn't want it. And the halibut looked delicious. It was fucking delicious. Oh, no, I love it.

I can't cook halibut at the house. I'm the worst fish cook. I don't know what I'm doing. I go to these farmers markets and they sell the halibut and the salmon. I bring it home. It's a fucking dry piece of fucking fish. Yeah. I can't do it.

I brought swordfish. I threw it away last week. I made it for lunch with lemon juice. Oh, I love swordfish. I don't know to cook, man. I can't fucking cook, man. Yeah, fish is tough. Fish is fucking tough.

So when I go on, I see a nice piece of fish. Like, every time you go out to get halibut, it's always previously frozen. Yeah. You know, it's pretty hard to get fresh halibut. And then if I could get it, I don't know how to fucking cook it. So these guys, I know they're not going to fuck it up.

Every time you go to the food is so fucking fresh. The lettuce, you piss like a waste horse after you leave. Whatever, because you piss. You fucking that lettuce is all water. It's crisp. You see the water shoot out of your fucking mouth. It's like going to the ducats. dentist. Jesus.

I have the same thing with shrimp. I like... You don't like. There's something you don't like. No, I love shrimp. Lopster you don't like. I don't like lobster. But with shrimp... I can't do... Anytime that someone's house, it's always frozen and it tastes soggy and water. I only have shrimp at restaurants.

And I love it. But I can't... Every time I'm at someone's house and they have... Oh, we have a shrimp cocktail, it's disgusting. I can't do it. I don't know. This is what happens to get me high. those Costco shrimp and they're not world-class shrimp but I like to make red sauce with it and shrimp cocktails if I'm gonna but they're not like when you go

to fucking Dan Tannas or Arty Mortons and get those shrimp cocktails those are prawns yeah they're fucking they picked them that morning they're so fucking good they picked them that fucking morning so I'm the same with you but if anybody has recipes for fish you know sword fish halibut

salmon I'm getting the fucking sick of you know because I've been eating salmon in Seattle and it's great for your heart and it's great for joints. I can have it once a week. And I can go to big pizza and fucking have it. They give it to me with rice and the salads. So don't worry about the salmon. I need like halibut recipes.

I need like swordfish recipes. And there's tons of tilapia out here that I don't know how to cook. Do you have a grill or no? I have a grill in the yard. And I have whatever I have in the kitchen, you know, in the broiler and all that shit. But it just, I like to get fish. You know, I really do. It's like you drive in a BMW.

How do I go to fucking. My wife got the steak, and I got a couple pieces of that. Oh, that's so good. And she got it rare. It melted in my mouth like butter. Yeah. But I usually get the lobster bisque. I didn't get that this time because it's too much cream.

Okay. So I didn't get that. I just got the salad. I had one piece of bread. Did you get those horse radish mashed mashed potatoes that we got last? Those are good? I love those. My wife got those, and we got scallops wrapped in bacon.

Oh. see her again so we had the gift certificate of sitting there it was fucking sitting there and we're like when are we going to go there we're going to father's day we ended up going to swimming we didn't go to wendys we didn't got a chicken sandwich you know like normal human beans and last night we were running she made red sauce but i said you know what for us to have it the same day it sucks when you make spaghetti sauce you want to sit overnight really yeah you don't want to have the same day let that pork and the fucking beef get in there and the onions and the oh it's delicious the next day you've cold up then today you take that

motherfucker out a lot of food a lot of meals are not you shouldn't cook them for that day paella a lot of steaks and stuff like that i understand but like uh lasagna it's better better the next day yeah wouldn't have you not had food that it's not better than next day i guess that makes sense that that's the reason why i got so big is because i hate cooking and the thing you have to do is cook for like a few days in advance Because I hate doing it. I can make a couple things if I had to. Yeah.

You know, I can make a mean steak. You do that with the garlic and the onions and the onions and the onions and the onions and the onions and the white bread and the two eggs. I make a great breakfast shit like that. But like I would love to be able to make like a pot roast, you know. You'd love to make a pot roast? Oh, a pot roast and mashed potatoes and slice that motherfucker up thin. Come on with some garlic clothes in it. So when the meat gets cooked now the garlic spreads.

into the fucking meat. No, it sounds great. I just don't imagine you wanting to cook. Come on, guys. Who doesn't want to be able to fucking be a shit? But see, I'm like that guy that doesn't want to do, you know, I always meet comics, though.

Like, I don't want to host. You got to fucking host. You got to do the system. So I'm not the type of guy that wants to do the years to learn how to cook. Yeah. I just want to get the fucking,

the whatever edition to just go, the liner notes. Yeah. And cook, but you can't do that. You can't do that with cooking. And that's why I fell as a chef or any type of, You know, I'm great with tuna, mayonnaise, onions.

Oh, yeah. I'm great with a tuna sandwich. I told you about tuna, you like, try this. Oh, olive vinegar and oil or something? Yeah. And even that subway, just try that subway. If you want to try something, try it somewhere where it's cheap and you have no investment in eight hours.

Yeah. You get tuna with Italian bread. Yeah. The lettuce, tomato. The lettuce can't be whole. It has to be shredded. Okay. For the sandwich.

The tomatoes have to be very thin, salt and pepper, a little over regular. maybe an avocado and some vinegar and oil. God damn. Omit the avocado but put some vinegar on the tuna. You know when I was a kid Blimpy base had a great sandwich. Roast beef, lettuce, tomato onions. Is it still round? Blumpy?

But that meat, it looks brown. It looks like old lady's pussy. Like it's just fucking brown. Roast beef either has a look to it or doesn't. They have to shave it right there. It's like a child molester. You know what I'm saying? They either have to look.

Rose bea's looking at child on the West. You know, the roast beef, when you look at roast beef, it either has that look or it has that look like you're going to fucking die. Yeah. That brown fucking look. And that's what I don't like, you know. Do you ever go to Kellys when you went to Boston? It's wicked expensive right now, but...

I don't know. There was a place called Riley's, and they shaved it right there, but then they would warm it up. And I can't, like, cold rose beef that's been sitting there all day, that can be good. When I go to Subway or places like that, I get tuna, turkey, or ham. Anything else that seems like it's dangerous? Tuna, which you're taking your life in your hands.

Turkey, you're taking a life in your hands. And the ham. The turkey, I want it to like from Subway. Yeah. But it tastes so fake. Yeah. It really does taste so fake. They put a coloring on it to have that brown circle.

It's not real. And what about the ham? Is it turkey ham? It's Boershead ham. I mean, I usually get... Subway. That's what the sign says. Who knows if it's real?

but I usually get When I go I usually get tuna I'm a tuna guy At some way to I start putting onions on it It's great You love putting it Raw onions

Just a little bit Because I'm just getting used to it But I like it And put some vinegar On that much I'll try it It scares me Oh you don't love it

It's tuna wet It's nice Okay And I don't like my food wet This is tuna wet I can't believe We're talking about fucking tuna What kind of

This is what happens You have to smoke I gotta get the fuck out of him I don't know what to tell you people It was a great week You're alive The sun's out go for your fucking dream this week

cocksucker grab your ball smell your fingers and go what the fuck has been going on for the last 10 years I gotta get back in this fucking race Lee Lee I feel bad for you this weekend I really do you know I've been looking forward to it for months I get mad to you this morning because you can't say this shit to me

I'm telling you I'm not lying to you I guarantee I'll take you to my other email from joe diaz.net you're not gonna go you're not gonna go I'll go if you read the emails you won't go I was thinking about this I had to erase him like beauty and the beast because if you read this, you're going to go, ah, yeah, yeah, hey, hey, hey, you're going to die,

and I can't have that this week. You got to be prepared. I'm bringing you up on stage and do 10 minutes. What? Yeah, you didn't know that? No. The club's going to give you a couple hundred. You got to go on stage and do 10 minutes,

so you've got to write me a material by tomorrow. You told me Wednesday for tomorrow? I thought you knew. No, what? What the fuck? How am I supposed to know what you're playing? Come on. I told you this six weeks ago at the club.

You told me, go up and say hello. It's Joe Dears with the comedy liking of Lisa. Well, people are in for a trick. I love you, cocksuckers. Listen, have a great weekend. We're doing next Monday and Wednesday. The 4th of July is on Thursday. Yeah.

So it's going to be a great week. Next week we got used then. We got a live podcast in July. I can't wait. I can't wait for that one either. And I'm sorry we couldn't do one in San Jose. It was just too sure to notice. But bring the podcast stuff anyway.

Oh, I'm going to bring it up. I have to for the thing. If you like. and maybe we'll get a couple people We have a great feature this week I forget a great kid And I can't fucking think of his name I'm excited

We'll come to the show Come to the show guys And bring heavy Come heavy bring reef Like sometimes you go out with two joints Bring three joints Let's say there's a fucking earthquake While we're at the San Jose Improv

You know what I'm saying We got Lee there We gotta keep them in fucking reef For the next two days And water so hurry up Come on down And if you're high Get the spinach on our choke dip

I love that shit Would you stop with the fucking spinach Charlotte Choke. Nope. I'm gonna get it every shot. I'm gonna call Melissa right now and have her fucking eat a bunch of that stuff. Oh, if it's spinach Arnold's a dip part I'd do it in a second. I love that.

Done! That's it. I love you, Coxiegel. Where's ACDC? It's right here. But really, guys, I'm gonna do this one from the heart because Joey's been giving me shit. Go to Hulu Plus. You get two weeks free. You go, you get to watch all your favorite shows. JoeyD.D.S.net.

Or go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. You get two free weeks. watch your favorite shows, watch it online, watch it on your phone, watch it on the plane, watch it on the way to the show in San Jose. It's awesome.

That's all I got to say. You're knocked out of the park today, Cucks, we get a little blue shirt on. You did some jumping jacks, you wiggled. Got a wiggle. I'm giving you a breather today from the edibles because I feel bad for you after this weekend. This weekend you're going to be begging me,

not to even smoke by it. I'm serious. This is going to be a lot of reasons. We'll see what have Monday recap show. I'm happy that we're going to Vegas next weekend. I got a couple of days to rest. That's all I'm saying. I love you guys.

Have a great week. Be safe. Stay black and beautiful always. He didn't do Hulu. I just did it. Oh, fuck with me, Lee. What are you talking about? You're inedible.

Now you're playing with my emotions. Fuck the league.