The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #063 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Monday, May 10th..... Happy Mother's Day..... This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew & ZipRecruiter..... Go to https://www.BlueChew.com PROMO CODE: JOEY Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint  Produced by: Michael Klein on IG: www.instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: www.instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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Try it for free just by going to ziprecruiter. com slash joey. ZipRecruiter, our smartest way to hire. Well, we might not be lining the candle this morning because the liar went down. But fuck it. Here we go. candles are lit

and let's start this little podcast up this little blue chew envelope for you kick this motherfucker Mikey what's happened you bad motherfuckers it's Monday made a tent it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive we'll hear in Jersey Jersey's the only fucking place

that the weeks are beautiful and the weekends is when it fucking rains Wednesday it's 80 degrees people are out jumping up and down you can't get everybody's working but fucking Saturday and Sunday cloudy as fuck, raining, raining on Mother's Day.

It didn't matter. It was a great fucking weekend. You know, Mercy's fucking softball game got rained out. That means we got to make it up some other time, which is great. Sunday, I fucking finally busted out and went to church. After fucking years of not going to church as a family, my wife found a Catholic church, even though she's whatever the fuck she is.

And we went and had a great thing. fucking time and then a great mother's day so it was a great weekend. The mystery I want to talk to you motherfuckers about today is the seven days that I have not smoked weed for. That is a fucking

just miracle, okay? Because I'm not trying. You know, when you're not trying to do something and it happens, you're like, what the fuck just happened? Last Sunday I did the album of the week

for Patreon and that was the last time I took two hits of a fucking number and it was like it had been like for the last three months I noticed that I had been smoking once a month and I noticed that I wasn't smoking in the mornings no more for my appetite I usually get high about probably 45 minutes after I get up to eat something and I noticed that

that's it I don't need you know I'm not I'm not hungry even if I get up get high. So I'm smoking this 30 fucking percent weed that people are fucking dying over. And I'm not getting high. I'm not getting hungry. I'm not doing nothing. I would walk into the gym. You know, God knows if I reeked the reef. So one day I said, fuck it. I'm not going to smoke before. I'm not hungry anyway. And that's how it started. Then I started not breaking the fucking church rule. You got to get high by 2 o'clock or go fuck your mother. So at least I would get high by 115, 140,

1250, I was doing that type of shit. Then I found myself not getting high to 4 o'clock. That went on for about two or three weeks. Like 4 o'clock, I'm like, fuck, I haven't smoked pot yet. Like I've been busy all day, I'm running around, I'm doing this and this. And then I'm like, wait a second.

If I get high at 4, then I got to go to her kickboxing class or her baseball practice or softball practice or whatever the fuck I do at night, reeking a fucking reefer. So I said, fuck it. You know what? I'll smoke when I get back from everything. And she goes in the shower.

And then I was going outside at night and hitting the pipe. Once the weather started churning, I go, let me go outside. And I was just smoking a pipe full. That's it. So it went from just doing one pipe full a day to, and I'll tell you what. All right. So here we go. We move here.

I have all this fucking anxiety, you know, like I've never had before. And this is, you know, this is what bothers me about people that nobody knows you better than you. Like, nobody knows you better than you. You know what you do when you're alone. You jerk off. You don't wipe your, you know, you do your picky nose, you fucking toenails. We all do have fucking secrets. And we know what we can and what we can't do and what we won't do.

I mean, some of us have that, you know, where you're like, you know what? That thing right there, I'm not going to do that no more. Like, I'm not doing that anymore. I don't care what they pay me. I don't care what they don't pay me. I'm not doing that anymore. And then there's things that you're like, I have to do that. You know, everybody has a threshold.

You know, so for me, I never, listen, I wanted to get off the fucking drugs, the cocaine. I wanted to always get off the pills. I always wanted to get off the booze. But nowhere, nowhere in Manifesto, did it say anything about me? getting off weed and I'll tell you why because I found that at an early age weed kept me together I don't know what it hadn't it I don't know you're half of years like no joey you're just a junkie

for weed no we did something to me we did something to me that most people you know how today they put kids on pills they didn't put me on pills as a young kid that would not even work in the fucking 70s. I discovered, nobody told me to smoke weed. Nobody told me to do anything. I smoked weed and said, wait a second. This controls the shit that I can't control.

Like, my mind, you know, it was just I don't know what it was. It was a fixer upper. That's what it was. It helped me feel a lot better. It helped me self-medicate, as Americans call it. He's self-medicating. Okay, is he bothering you?

Is he jumping? off windows is he shooting people let himself medicate it that's what it takes to smoke two little pipefuls but you know i was watching this michael vick thing a couple weeks ago on 30 for 30 and it was after he got caught you know his explanation of it and i understood it i'm not here i wasn't mad at michael vick or anything like that what i'm trying to say was his explanation of it was it was in this culture like it was a part of his culture you know being from vicar Virginia, the South, African American, you know, in those rural neighborhoods, those urban neighborhoods, rural neighborhoods, those urban neighborhoods, that he was a part of that.

And he was a victim of it or whatever. And I understand it because I came from a marijuana culture. I really, really did come from a marijuana culture. You know, my idol, one of my favorite people in the world smoked pot, which was my godfather. and at an early age I was like whatever they talk about smoking weed that it makes you put on a towel and jump out the window

and all this shit I don't see that with my godfather I see a guy that smokes it and goes to the movie theaters and he giggles and then we leave here and he eats an extra fucking cheeseburger on the way out I don't see that as a fucking

he's not doing anything criminally or nothing is wrong here so as a young man I already had taken in the effects of marijuana. My mother smoked marijuana, but she did it with drinking, and God knows what else. So I didn't judge it on that.

I didn't like my mom smoking pot. It was my godfather that I watched. I watched, and I'm like, this isn't as bad as a drug as people are fucking saying it is. You know, in the 70s, this is way before the fucking egg. This is your mind on drugs and all this shit. Way before that. Yeah, this was like.

Like when I was growing up, it was like a, you know, it was like this fucking thing that you had to do behind fucking closed doors in the 70s. And I had somebody in my life that did it and I could see that it didn't affect him. He went to work. He was a good guy. He was good to me. All it made him do was fucking laugh different. Giggle. And like I said, eat an extra cheeseburger.

And then, you know, I came from that culture. and then I got into the fucking music culture. And the music culture, you fucking get high. That's what you do. You smoke fucking wheat. Pana, gold, whatever red. You know, that's what we did as fucking kids, to smoke wheat. And I could tell even in my cocaine days, in my 20s and all that shit,

there was a part of, when I, what do you think? When I was doing Coke, I was smoking weed? No, I wasn't. It was two different eyes. I wouldn't even try to fucking, I'd say, drinking a red bull with vodka. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. So it was the same train of fucking thought. Like when I did Coke, I did Coke.

When I got high when I woke up the next morning and I was depressed, no whatever the fuck it takes from your mind. When you're sitting there going, I'm not going to smoke Coke again or snort Coke again. I would smoke a joint that kind of picked me up and make me think and give me a little clarity and whatever. So for me, marijuana was always a clarity drug. When I went to prison, let me tell you something. If you want me to be honest with you, I wasn't. scared of going to prison at all.

If you were, if you think I was worried about Los Mortos and gangs, I wasn't worried about anything. My biggest concern was not smoking weed and not being able to sleep. Because for years, I was sold on the idea that if I didn't smoke weed, I couldn't fall sleep at night. And dog, if I didn't have weed, I could not fall asleep at night. So are you seeing what I'm getting to? So here's the fucking deal. So I always smoked weed.

It took me about 10 days when I got to prison. You know, I was telling, I don't know, on the early podcast, I think one with Bert and one with Felicia, I said a joke that if you think people talk, if you think black people talk in the movie theater, go to prison. That makes, I mean, black people yell at movie theaters, African Americans, if you go to prison, they talk all fucking night.

How did I know that? Because my first two weeks in prison, I didn't sleep because I had no marijuana. So I would just lay there on my 10 fucking bed all night and hear Jerome, what's going on? Nothing. What's happening with you, brother, nothing? You know, it was constant all night long. They're yelling from the third floor down to the first floor. If I had weed, I wouldn't have heard that shit.

But I didn't have any weed. So that was the first Whatever that I had So as soon as I got a prison You know one of the roughest things for me Was being in the halfway house And not being able to smoke weed And once to switch one off

And I said I realized that I tested positive For touching the coke And I realized I tested positive Because I was a junkie I couldn't stop snorting Once I did get it all on the control In the halfway house Don't get me wrong

I would roll a joint I would roll the skin any of a fucking joint you could imagine. And I had a punching bag and I had weights. I had like a regular, you know, inclined bench, cheap Kmart, little fucking thing. I think I paid 35 bucks a month rent for the garage in Boulder. And even when I was at BCTC, the halfway house,

and even when I was on community corrections, I found a way to go to that gym. I would light the joint and just go. and take one hit off it, blow it, and turn the joint off. And then I would punch the shit out of that bag until I was covered in sweat. My shirt would have to be covered in the sweat for me to fucking finish the workout. But I swear to God, for nine months, I pissed in a bottle doing that same thing twice a week. I would smoke a little bit, and I would keep my level just the same, so they could

Never ever say, well, it raised or whatever. Because they give you a couple extra whatevers. I'm not going to say milligrams or centigrams because there's going to be some smart guy that's going to say, Joey, you're wrong. It's this. And I know it is. I don't know the exact wording of it. But when you take a piss test or a drug test and the results come back, they give you a natural amount of THC to have in your body. because maybe you ate a poppy seed bagel.

Maybe there's a lot of things that will give you a negative read for THC. I don't want you motherfucklers in probation now to go to your probation officer. I said, well, Uncle Joey said that if I eat fucking poppy seeds, I test positive. Listen, I'm just telling you that there's a bunch of little things. I don't know exactly what they were. I'm using poppy seeds because they were one of the ones when I was in there. This is 87. and God knows what does it now.

But there were certain things that gave you a positive for opiates and marijuana, and one of them was those fucking things. So you have to keep it under a limit. And that's exactly what I did for nine months. I stayed in the halfway house. I was like the fucking star pupil of the program because I had turned it around. Little did they know that I was still smoking pot. only under a certain level.

I risk going back to prison for four fucking years for smoking pot because I cannot smoke pot. That is a sad individual. That is something that's sad. I would go to somebody who has a child and say, hey, you can't smoke pot. But if you do, they're going to put you back in prison. I found a way to smoke pot and not go back to prison. Am I proud of it? Not, not at all.

But I'm just letting you guys know that it was wrong. When you have a family, you cannot do drugs and think that it just didn't work. That's why I lost that family. That was the big difference between this family and that family. That's why I lost that family because I was still getting the fuck high. When I became a comedian, show me a comic that doesn't get high. We are broken people. We're broken people.

When you look at a comic, he's broken. I don't care whether you look at Dave Chappelle. I don't care whether you look at Anthony Jeslnick. I don't care whether you look at Joey Dears. I don't care if you look at Bill Burr. I don't care if you look at fucking Cat Williams. Something in our wiring isn't right. Either we didn't get enough attentionist children.

Something ain't right. We saw something as a child. And I'm, hey, listen, I'm here to admit it. Who knows what it is? Who knows what makes you go up and talk in front of people? And if you notice that every comic has a crutch, whether it's drugs, alcohol, sexual, we all have something that is over the fucking top. That's because we're not normal people.

If you're a comic, put that in your mind and understand it. You know, the great Rudy Sarzo once said, when it comes to musicians, comics, actors, it's a thin line with the mental health disease. I know a lot of comics that, you know, have mental health problems, a lot of them, a lot more than you may think, you know, for example, my side, you know, there's a lot of us that have mental health problems. Some of them, I'm free to discuss their mental health issues. Some of them don't know they have them. You know, I didn't know I haven't. We all think we're fucking stronger than debt. We all walk around thinking there's nothing wrong with us and there's plenty wrong with us. I raised my hand. I'm number one with this, you know, but for fucking a year since the pandemic started, I've been crying anxiety to you guys and I went on a fucking roll with those fucking little football vikin and those fucking things.

and that was my answer to it. But I knew deep down inside I had to get to the root of this fucking problem. I just couldn't blame it on the pandemic and fear. Something was not right here about my behavior. Something had led to that. So little by little I started chopping stuff knowingly and not knowingly. Like I told you guys last week, my wife brought it to my attention the other day that she had an ordered expresso since.

October. I was going through, I don't know how many fucking expressos a day. I talked about in the Tom Segura podcast, you know, for fucking the last three or four years, I was drinking two, four, eight fucking espresso shots a day, averaging eight to nine espresso shots a day. Well, last time I checked caffeine is a fucking anxiety fucking thing. You know, once you start, you know, I put hearing.

When I did the Soprano movie, I noticed that Ray Leota had hearing aids. And I asked him once, I go, Ray, do you have those because you're deaf? And he was starting to tell me, I don't even think I asked him that. I think he started to tell me about, like, when he's in a room and he hears, like, if I'm having a conversation with Mike, and I'm at a dinner table and two other people are having a conversation about fucking football. I can't hear what Mike is saying to me because these other fucking people.

And then to top it off, not only do I not hear those people, but I could hear the fucking dishwashers in the back slamming the dishes and I could hear the fork slamming. That's not natural. So I went to the ear doctor and he gave me fucking,

whatever the fuck you call it, hearing aids. The hearing aids were great until the pandemic came and then they would fly off my fucking ears when I'd put the mask on. Half the time you see me on the podcast, I'd have the hearing aids and you couldn't even see them

You won't even see them They're just a little thing you rest on your ear But I noticed something I noticed that right after the pandemic started I couldn't wear the earplugs And I noticed that my hearing loss Had been less Than what it was

Like if you don't think I could Like when I put the hearing aids on I could still hear My I could just hear different fucking things instead of hearing what is in front of me. When I took the hearing aids off, not only did I lose that, but I also lost my hearing

because putting the hearing aids in lets your ears go to rest. Like I don't need to work anymore. We got somebody doing all the heavy fucking lifting. So that's what happened to my ears. That's why I said once a pandemic came and I took those things out because of the mask, I go, fuck it.

I'm not going to wear these no more because they were actually taking away from my fucking hearing. You know, when I was doing those anxiety pills, guess what? They were adding to my anxiety. Because when I didn't have a pill in me, the anxiety fucking grew. Once I started breathing through them

and meditating and breathing and fucking doing downward dog, I'm doing downward dog again, even though my fucking leg is fucked up. I can't believe I could do it. But even though I was starting to breathe and stuff like that, little by little, I started knocking those pills off.

Instead of taking eight a day, it went down to seven, six, five, four, three, and then it went down to nothing. That's how you fucking get off them. Because if you drop those pills right away, you'll have a fucking stroke. I didn't even know about this. Duff told me when he was on the fucking church.

And then I Googled it. And I was like, Jesus Christ, you can't even do these fucking footballs without dying. So everything I was doing, the coffee, the pills, and as much as I fucking hate this, say it because you know how much of an advocate I am, the Rifa,

that early morning shot kicked in with the espresso. You know, I mean, it's a fucking, it's like a natural accelerant for anxiety. So here I am crying to you, motherfuckers that I can't breathe. My heart is fucking having palpitations. But what I'm not telling you is that

I'm fucking drinking 19 expressos a day. I'm smoking 85 fucking joints a day. I'm eating, you know, how many edibles a day. I can't tell you the fucking anxiety. Those edibles give you on their own. I love ABX edibles. My man, Justin, at ABX is one of the best guys in the business. I love ABX edibles.

They give me dollar zero. I talk about ABX. I take ABX pictures. I post them on all my social media sites. I'll tell you why I do that. Because I feel they're a great fucking product. I've eaten edibles At the next day I wake up

And I'm fucking hungover Let me tell you something Say what you want about ABX capsules The 200 milligrams Or the 100 fucking milligrams When I fucking eat those things I wake up the next morning I'm ready to fucking kill a motherfucker

There's no air lag There's no hangover There's no cloudy fucking mine I am gonna tell you the truth About one thing I'm not gonna lie to you guys when I made the special T video, the Michael Jackson video, last Sunday night,

I cannot lie to you. When I woke up the next morning, I did not know where I was. Not only that, I did not make the gym at 11 o'clock. I had to call the guy and tell him some fucking lie. But I did go back to the gym at 6.30 that night, just to correct myself here,

and just to come clean with you guys. That was a little overboard the other night. That was me fucking just feeling, my oats. Usually I do the fucking pen. Usually I do just to fucking syringe alone. I don't add the ABXs in there. Not only that I ate the ABXs, but when I came down here, if you know anything about me, I'd probably put another ABX in there.

And then I ate a couple of my wife's 5 milligrams Camino edibles because they have the CBN and the CBY and them in a high level. And I also have to reach out the CBD line this week. because I ran out of my fucking CBD melatonin combination. I threw a couple of those in there too. So I don't want you guys to think that it was just the FSO and the fucking...

And I always put a little tincture in that motherfucker too, even though I'm not supposed to... So between you and I guys, Sunday night, the tea of debt, was a little on the heavy-handed. I usually don't put the fucking ABX capsules in there. I just do the syringe One tea bag and I'm

Tip Top Magoo. I was just showing off for you motherfuckers. But at least I got the balls enough to tell you exactly one way now. Yeah, the next morning I woke up and I just laid in bed. When I went to brush my teeth I looked at my eyes and they were fucking busted.

They were busted. I mean fucking bloodshot blood things had busted. I had a vessel that busted in seven 78, 79. I ate quailudes one night and got really fucked up. And the next day my eye I woke up

and my eye vessel had blusted and my eye had turned blue like somebody had poked me in the eye when I was like 17 and nobody had poked me in the eye. That was me that I ate the quailute, my blood pressure must have gone up. But let me tell you some.

Fucking Sunday night when I woke up Monday morning, who! And I didn't know it. Like I woke up and, you know, I took my little piss and I brushed my teeth and I drank my coffee

and it was like I walked upstairs I walked down here to do some shit you know I do my journaling in the morning and I do a bunch of stuff and when I went back upstairs

to bring the coffee cup upstairs I was like who I got to sit down here for a second Uncle Joey did some fucking damage last night I was like wow I'm fucked up

I had to jump into the fucking shower and everything early I was like I got to jump into a fucking shower I just laid in the shit shower. It had to be for like 20 minutes and just let the hot water hit me. I got out of that. I'm like, ooh, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go for a fucking because I was busy already. I had to jump right into the fire. Once I don't go to the gym, I got a lot of shit to do so. I said, fuck it. Let me take 15 minutes and just take a walk. And I just went up to a softball feel and walked

around twice and I was like I drank a bunch of water I peed a little bit and I felt a lot better that was a little over the fucking top last Sunday and I'm sorry about that but every once in a while you gotta see the devil you know what I'm saying? You gotta have some a good time but anyway going back to the

motherfucking reefer so all these things I had that were giving me fucking anxiety you know I was getting them out of my system but there was still one more key in this and that was the reefer I gotta be honest with you guys When I smoke

Riefer I like to feel my heartbeat You know I'm not fucking around here Like I don't do pills I don't fucking do You know vapors I don't fucking have the blow torch

And do the Whatever the fuck you call it I like Rifa I put all my faith into smoking Rifa When I sit down Reef for to me is a fucking event I want to get high

I want to fucking drool I want to be able to eat some ice cream You know what I'm saying Like you know You want to like I had a dream about eating M&Ms last night I don't I don't fucking know what I don't Why I would have a dream about eating M&Ms I don't even like my name I've cut down on sugar so much

And I'm probably having dreams About eating fucking M&Ms But you know It's like I never intended on getting the refra out, but that's why I didn't even do the 420 show. I was like, if I do the 420 show, I'm going to have to do it in the daytime.

And that means I'm going to have to pop those edibles in the fucking daytime. And that means I'm going to have to smoke 25 joints in the daytime. And I can't lie to people. I can't do that no more. Why would I want to charge you 10 bucks and sit there and take two hits off a joint and tell you I'm having a good time?

I'm not having a good time. So the plan is this. Last Sunday when we did the album of the week, I took two hits, nothing happened. It was that caramel apple shit from fucking ice cream shop. Those fucking joints are great. Anybody I smoked one of those with said that shit is fucking great. I took two hits.

Nothing happened. When Mike left, I realized my throat was bothering me a little bit. And I go, you know what? Because that's what was really happening. Every time I'd smoke, my lungs, would hurt and I go fuck I got COVID I got to go to the hospital because I kept thinking that I had COVID every time I fucking

smoked so I'm like you know what I'm not going through this I'm going to cut my smoke intake because every time I would go somewhere and I get an email that I thought I had COVID I would go now I can't fucking smoke because it'll go into my fucking lungs so I thought about Dave Chappelle and him getting COVID I go wait a second

if he fucking got COVID and he smokes as much as he does I should worry about this shit but then when he didn't get it I go alright maybe I'm over fucking reacting, which I was. So I at least let myself smoke a little bit. But it was still fucking bothering me. Like I just

was like, I am smoking 32 to 35% reefer. And I am not getting high. Let's be honest. This is not normal and this is not good. What's next? 38% refa? What am I looking for? 40% refa?

So I said, fuck it. Let me just put the brakes. on it. So here's the new fucking plan. Are you ready, guys? The new plan is plain and fucking simple. We take a little time off from Reefo. We get our head together. You're going to notice

in about two weeks you're going to go, Joey, your eyes are starting to look a little younger. Let me tell you something. My ex-wife used to hate when I got an eye because you go, she used to tell me, when you get a eye, you look 10 years fucking older. Let's give it a couple days. We're going to see how my fucking

eyes look, you know, I could sit here. I was telling Mike before this. It's been five days, six days, seven days. I could sit here and I love to tell you, oh my God, I feel so much better. I'm thinking quicker and I don't feel different. I would love to tell you a lie to you and say, you know, my energy is 80% up. You know, I got up and sang fiddler on the roof. No, I don't feel no fucking different after seven days.

But I did read that chart years ago. There was a chart I read online. And it breaks down exactly what happens to you when you quit smoking cigarettes. Really interesting thing I saw. So like an hour after you smoke cigarettes, what happens to your blood, eight hours after you finish smoking a cigarette, what happens to you? 24 hours after you don't smoke a cigarette, 72 hours after you don't smoke a cigarette. 72 hours after you don't smoke a cigarette,

you know, a week after you don't smoke a cigarette. And the list grows. It was crazy how many things changed in, you know, one hour, eight hours, 24 hours. You know, it was like your blood, the valves in your heart shrink a little bit. You know, your blood pressure goes down. It was just the benefits of not getting high, I've not. not smoking cigarettes for 30 days would just, you look at it and you go, okay,

this is something I'm interested in doing. You know what I'm saying? I haven't seen a chart for the benefits of not smoking pot. All I know is in the past, when I didn't smoke pot, I'd be very irritable. This is when I was a fucking kid, though. You know, I was 27, 28, 30.

If I didn't have pot, I was irritable. Your mother suck dicks, you know, I fucking hated life. I hated myself. I was ugly. I was stupid, you know. And I got to be honest with you, I have not experienced any irrational behavior, any anger moods, any swings. So between you and I guys, I think this is something that my body needed. You know, I called a few of my friends, you know, unlike America.

or they go to therapy. I don't know. I just call my friends. I call the people that know me the best. And I think the best answer I got was from my man, Dean Del Rey. He goes, did you ever consider that maybe your body doesn't need it? Because you don't have the stress you had in L.A. And I go, but wait a second.

I didn't feel this fucking stress that you guys are talking about. So if I didn't feel this stress, how can I, you know. But I guess that's what's it You know, maybe your body Doesn't need it anymore You guys see the fucking tea I make To go to sleep That's what I need to go to sleep

To stay asleep So here's the fucking plan The plan is this The plan is to stay off the fucking Riefer What's the date, Joey? I don't fucking know I'll let you know

firsthand if you give that much to fuck about me. I'll give it some breather, and then I'm going to flip the script. The tea goes away. The tincture goes away. The edibles go away at night. And I just take two hits off a joint to fall asleep.

Like this whole thing started. You follow me? This whole thing started with me narrowing it down to I couldn't fall asleep. unless I had weed. Now I smoke weed at 11 o'clock at night. If you don't think it gets me high at 8 in the morning, what do you think it does 11 o'clock at night?

Just gives me bad breath. Doesn't do anything else. Now I got that reefer. You ever get hit with a batch of bad reef of breath? It's the worst breath in the world. Now I got to fucking go upstairs, put my sleep apnea on, mask on, and breed this fucking disgusting, fucking, you know, reef of breath.

You know, so that's done. Now what I'm going to do is I'm going to give us some time. I'm going to smoke again. I want to smoke. You remember smoking and passing out? Do you remember when you first started smoking pot? You would tell people, I can't smoke in the daytime because it makes me want to fall asleep. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm going to switch it around so I don't have to get high in the daytime. So at night, I just take two hits off a pipe. at 10.30, maybe two hits off a fat fucking joint. And it's nappy no-no time via fucking reefer. And we're back to square one. Life is a circle. And we bring it right back to where we started from. And I give my liver a break, my kidneys a break, my bloodstream a break.

Everybody takes a breathe. Everything in moderation. That's what life is about. You know, it was me, you know, I'm looking at things now. I'm looking at friends of mine. I'm looking at friends of mine that buy weed and I see and I don't judge them. I go there before the grace of God go I. You know, they buy an ounce a month.

That's a quarter ounce a week. That's about nine joints a fucking week. That's a joint a day. In my world, good luck. That's, I was tripling that. You got to remember, before I left L.A., I was going to the ice cream shop, formerly urban trees, and I was getting three-eighths of 30% stuff

and going through it a day and a half. That's, I would love to tell you that that's great, Joey, but it's really not good for you to have all that smoking you and all that. It's not good for you. I'm not crying. I had a great time fucking do. I'm not one of those guys that it's an AA meeting and I had a great time doing it.

I still enjoy it. You don't think I fucking get high at night when I do those edibles before I go upstairs? I'm high for 30 minutes down here. Loving it. Feeling the warmth of fucking, the warmth of God's love. Loving it. I fucking love it. It has nothing to do with that.

This has something to do with just trying to get better. It's all a part of my fucking. all a part of my fucking program here. You know, I don't want to do fucking stand-up right now. I would love to. I would love to tell you I'm going out tonight and I'll meet you there and blah, blah, blah, but I don't want to fucking do it. You know, we change in this life.

We change, and then you have to look at it and go, me, I'm going to revisit stand-up in August. I know right now I don't want to do it and I'm not going to bang my head off. It's just going to affect my mental health and my relationships and the fun I'm having. I'm having a great time playing the fucking guitar. Am I Jimmy Page yet? No, not really. I'll let you know when, which will probably be never.

But I'm playing a lot clearer. I'm keeping my thumb behind the fucking neck. I could hear all six fucking chords now. You know, my brain stew is a lot better than what it was three fucking weeks ago. You know what I'm saying? So I'm just going to keep pushing. Nobody's quitting weed. It's no reason for you motherfuckers to sit there and go,

he's a fucking punk ass bitch he's not smoking weed no nobody quit i'm just taking a breather trust me i had more concerns than you had you know one of the biggest concerns i had when i quit cocaine was i'm not going to be funny anymore do you know that for three years i snorted coke for three years over the time i really wanted to because i always felt i would lose that buck wildness i always felt i would lose that thing that probably had the i don't care but what did we find out that after i smoked i stopped snorting coke i became a way better stand-up than i was before i snorted coke if you think i thought that before i fucking got into quitting coke you got another thing coming my biggest fear with quitting with quitting cocaine wasn't

quitting cocaine it was that i wouldn't be funny anymore well we both found that out that was a lie in fact i got funnier, 10 times funnier, and I got more specific, and I started being more colorful on stage. So you never know what might happen with this. Towards the end, I got to be honest with you guys. When I was doing stand-up, I was taking it so seriously. I was sick of bombing whenever I did edibles, I felt that I wouldn't have control over the audience.

So the last year, I wasn't even fucking eating edibles before I went on stage. I would take a couple hits off a joint to somewhere in my fucking pathetic junkie mind it would let me feel that. And that's what it is. I kept smoking this whole time because in my junkie pathetic mind, it lets me feel that I am,

it is working. It wasn't working. It wasn't getting me high. I was just wasting two fucking hits of great joints. And to top it off, It's a 35% fucking joint. Why are you smoking your whole joint? It's supposed to be two-hit fucking weed, Joey,

and you're smoking a fucking joint. So all these things didn't add up, and this is what led me to taking a breather from the motherfucking reefer. And this is it. I can't wait to come back on here and smoke a fucking joint. And for you guys to see the change in my face and my eyes and go, all right, we see it now, Joe. It's fucking works now.

Thank God you're getting high again. And then when I go back, I'm not going to go back to 35. I'm going to start with Jersey weed. I'm going to take it all the way back to 14%. Wait, think I'm fucking retarded? That's what you do. You go all the way back to the lowest end, and you start smoking that shit.

And once you start getting high on that, Eureka, you have gotten to where you want to go, because now you're getting high on shitty weed again. And you're sitting there go enjoy it. Why would you want to get high and shitty wheat again to start all over again so I could smoke till I'm fucking 80 and be fucking happy? Are you with me, motherfuckers? This is the Monday morning joint.

But there's something I got to talk to you motherfuckers about. Wednesday, May the 12th, I'm releasing 100 NFTs. It's electronic art. It's cryptocurrency type stuff. I'm only releasing it on Patreon to the upper tier because I owe the upper tier a gift for signing up for six months. So what I'm going to do is my wife is getting the coffee cups together now.

We're going to put the joint coffee cups online to sell. But the upper tier of the Patreon, I'm going to send them the cups as a gift. gift. What I have to do also because I stiffed them in January is what I'm going to do. Well, I sent you the shirts early. I sent you the shirts so you would have them for Christmas. There's not going to be shirts this time. We're not doing business with that company no more. We're not doing business with that management company no more. So what we're going to do is we're going to send out mugs for you guys having my back on Patreon from the beginning with this thing. And for

helping out people and for helping our comics that were down, what I'm going to do is I'm going to release 100 NFTs. They're going to be electronically autographed. I don't want to hear no shit that you want to send them or whatever. They don't even come like that. They're electronically autographed with a number. Number one to zero. I don't know what time I will put them up on Patreon.

on Wednesday. It doesn't, this is just for the top tier people. So restrictions apply. We're like fucking, we're like draft kings now. Restrictions apply. You can't join now to get it. You could join now if you want, but there's still, there's 400 people in that upper tier, and there's only 400, there's only 100 NFT prints available.

so I don't want to lie to you and say run to Patreon right now and sign up because you're going to get it because you're not I don't want I don't want to lie to anybody it's not my best interest I am coming out with a 30th anniversary NFT of comedy on July 16th or about that date then I will by that time it will be incorporated in the Patreon payment I will have it for the upper tier people and I will make more cards pertaining to how many people

are on that tier. So I'm not being a scumbag to anybody. This is to the people who joined Patreon from the beginning and had everybody's back in the beginning of the fucking pandemic. This is the least I could do for you. You are getting a mug

as a gift once they come in. You know, we used to make the mug, in China, obviously, you know, what happened. The end of Wuhan, they don't want to make cups no more. So now we're fucked. We had a fine of an American distributor. In fact, I want everything American.

I was sick and tired of... So we just want everything American. You know what I'm saying? I don't care if I pay more. I don't care if I got an order from a company in Ohio. Everything went American because it's just not worth. You guys are seeing what's going on. Plants are closing all over the country, car plants,

because there's not enough chips coming out of Taiwan. You know, this is just a fucking nightmare. A lot of people don't know about this shit. That people are on back order. You know, right now, if you go to order a pool in New Jersey, they're going to tell you to call them back in 2025. Can't even order a fucking swimming pool in New Jersey. Like right now, they're so fucking swamped.

So everything is much behind, you know, COVID, China, whatever, Yugoslavia. I don't know. I'm not throwing everybody under the bus. I'm just saying that COVID set everything back. You can't even get a certain brick now or certain ovens or, you know, we established that we've bumped into it early on with the fucking joint that we couldn't get the cameras we wanted and the microphones we wanted. So it's a fucked up world.

So what I'm saying is thank you for listening to the joint on a Monday morning. Thank you for letting your Uncle Joey enter your life on a Monday morning. And thank you for understanding. Why the breeder from the reefer. It's not a breather from the reefer. It's just a little break. We're making a comeback. And when I make the comeback, we'll make a decent announcement.

So we all get a eye together. Who's better than you guys? I love you, motherfuckers. It's May 10th already. We did it. Hope you had a great weekend. It's going to be a great fucking week. I love your cock suckers with all my heart.

Now for a motherfuckering word for our sponsors. Have a great week, cock suckers. See you. Wednesday on Uncle Joey's joint. Let's do this shit. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you again for listening to the joint on a Monday morning. We did it.

Seven days without weed. I can't even believe it myself. What are you going to do? Things are bad all over. But anyway, the joint is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Listen, good help is hard to find. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Sure, you could post your job online at a cork board at the laundromat at a coffee shop.

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We'll be back Wednesday. Ready to fucking rock. I love you guys. Have a great week. There you go.