The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #064 - ARI SHAFFIR | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: May 12, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Wednesday, May 12th..... Today we talked with our good friend, Ari Shaffir..... This episode is brought to you by Onnit & CBD Lion..... Go to https://www.Onnit.com PROMO CODE: CHURCH Go to https://www.CBDLion.com PROMO CODE: JOEY or CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #AriShaffir Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on IG: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. It's Wednesday, the 11th of May. Greetings from Podcast Village. Uncle Joey's joint is brought to you by On It. Listen, whether it's Shroom Tech, Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, the protein bites, On it has it all. The CMT Oil, On it has it all.

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I think they sold me a trick candle at that place. I love you, cock suckers. Enjoy. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, May 11th. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You know, it's been a weird week, but not really.

hopefully the NFTs get put up today on Patreon so that's a fucking good thing NFTs like electronic art a lot of people are into them I don't know much about them I know that I was getting tortured for a few weeks if I was going to do NFTs and my agent called with an NFT guy

so I said fuck it let's put it together a little something for the fucking Patreon people you know you got to take care of your people and I want to talk to you people about something about I want to talk to you people about something today that's been on my mind lately. I was talking to my neighbor the other day,

and he was talking to me about this period of time that we've gone through, you know? And it was weird. Like, I was fucked up like everybody else. March, April, May, June, July. I had my ups and my downs. You know, I had to make decisions. But a decision that came to me, July 12th,

the day that they said they weren't going to reopen the schools, I had to make a decision on what to do with my daughter. And I was like, fuck it. She's going to school, so I got to move. I didn't know where I was going to move. But there was another decision I made on July 12th. And this goes back to journaling, and it goes back to all these things that I do to be a better me,

and that's checking yourself from time to time. You have to be honest enough to look at yourself in the mirror and go, what are the areas I need fucking help with? Like, what the fuck is going on with my life? like I didn't want to move to New Jersey and bring luggage you know I was on Rogan one time and he asked me about how I got funny like I went from being a mediocre comic to a good comic in 98 and I explained to him that we lose luggage as we as we get older you learn how to deal with personal conflicts and you eliminate them and it makes you better whether it's addictions you know I became better

as I was giving things up you know I always know knew I wasn't going to give up Riefer. And when I was doing Coke, I was committed to cocaine. I mean, I'm not going to lie to nobody. I was committed to cocaine because I knew I wasn't going to quit. But I was also committed to quitting when it came time to quit. And I got better from it. So as a human being, you have to look at yourself from time to time and go,

I'm a fucking piece of shit like I did. I'm slipping in all these areas. And nothing was more evident to me was when I did something. I fucking. and I'm totally against, and that's watching myself. Right before we moved one day, I go, if I start a podcast, what do I want the next podcast to be if I do start that? And I turned down the church,

and I saw myself with a fucking white t-shirt on, and I realized that right there I had been slipping. You're not supposed to wear fucking t-shirts as a t-shirt. Right there, like my mind, right there, like just those little things made me new, made me know that my mind wasn't right at that time. I don't know if it was the fucking the edibles I was taking, the fucking amount of refra I was taking, what I was going through, the podcast going on the road.

I don't know what had happened, but I knew one thing that I had let myself go in a lot of little areas. If you look at me today, I could tell you one thing. I gave up butter. I only eat one piece of toast for breakfast, wheat toast, and I put butter on it, And I put butter on mashed potato, you know, I put butter on corn.

I eliminated butter from my life. So I lost 30 fucking pounds. That's what you mean to tell me because I was eating that much butter I wasn't. But there were all these things that I had to stop doing. You know, listen, I got problems. I'm always going to be doing some type of fucking something. So instead of doing the edibles in the daytime, I moved them tonight to sleep. That was a big step right there.

me not doing edibles at all from the daytime you guys know me from all the way in fucking september i wanted to improve on my sleep i wanted my body to get stronger you know i had the fucking surgery out of nowhere i decided on the surgery in december you know like a bionic fucking man my goal every day during this pandemic was to come out of it i knew it was eventually going to end but what position was i going to be in when it ended i know right now there's people that are drinking three times the amount they were drinking before the pandemic because they started drinking earlier now.

They started drinking at 1 o'clock, 12 o'clock, 11 o'clock because their day was gone. They collect no unemployment. They got no fucking job. They got no screen to look at it. I'm not mad at you. I'm not hating on anybody. I'm just talking about the truth here.

So I wanted to come out of this a lot better than I went into it. You know what I'm saying? Like that was my goal once I realized that I was fucking up for so long. You know, quitting the reefer was not in my plan. at all. That was not my plan. I could show you the fucking

change manifesto I wrote and Riefer was not in my plan. What was in my plan was to cut down a little bit. I felt that I was smoking a little too much. I felt that I was smoking in the daytime and I felt that I was carrying over into my family life

and that's why I had to fucking stop. Like right now I would love to smoke a joint. It's my fucking basement. Weed is legal in Jersey but I'm disrespecting my daughter. This is her house also. Three people live in this house. This is not just my house. Three people live in this house and I had to make a constant, I had to make a decision about that. I didn't want to smoke anymore in the house. You know, you got to go outside, down the road, there's a little fucking

parking lot that you could smoke your brains out. There's no cops there. Nobody will say none to you. It's just a short drive up and if the cops come, I could walk home, you know. But these are all little decisions that I made to be a better person. I improved on. my journaling, I worked on me being a better husband because I'll tell you what, this pandemic, when I found out that we were going to be stuck in a house, you know, instead of becoming her enemy, I became her friend. So out of this, out of this fucking pandemic, I became a way better husband, a way better fucking father. You know, I got sick and tired of calling on Saturday mornings and my daughter's with her friends and my wife is with her friends and my friends and I'm in some

fucking hotel room in fucking Kansas City playing tittle winks, you know, that's not what I want to do. So when I do go on the road, it's going to probably be one-offs. You know, I'll do a Friday theater somewhere,

a Thursday theater somewhere. It's not going to be, I can't keep fucking up my Saturdays from my daughter. During a week, it's one thing. During a week, she's got school. And, you know, my rule in my house has always been Monday through Friday,

do whatever the fuck you want. Saturday and Sunday, you got a commitment to your fucking family, you know, so that's been my whole thing since the beginning. Eventually, I have a plan, and my plan is this, to quit smoking for so long that when I start smoking again, I'll just start smoking at night and I'll get so far. I'm going to go back to 14 milligram weed. I'm going to try to get 14% weed and start from there and work myself up. That's how you do it.

Just smoke a little poke. That's how you do it. You get your tolerant. I did this in 89, 90 when I was the halfway house. I would roll a joint and just take one little hit and get fucking blasted. I would get fucking blasted. So this is what my goal is again. So for you fucking top heavy duty guys, Uncle Joey's just taking a breather.

Unbeknownst to me and unbeknownst to you. We have a little Zoom guest today. I know you guys, some of you don't like it. Some of you don't give a fuck. And some of you like Joey, we love what you're doing. and I appreciate it. This is the only way to do it now. And until we move, this is the new standard.

A lot of people don't want to do face-to-face, so what do you want me to fucking tell you? I'm here face-to-face with you, Coxuckers, twice a week. That's all you fucking need. But without further ado, my brother, Mr. Ari Shafia. What's going on, Coxucker? Sorry, dude. Sorry.

What the fuck is that behind you? What are you at, fucking Ground Zero or some shit? Yeah, I'm rebuilding it. so when people can knock it down again. What's happening, brother? How are you? I'm great. It's fucking summertime in New York.

How long have you been back for? Two and a half weeks? Three weeks. Thanks so far. It's overwhelming. I got called an asshole, my second day here. By who? I was making it right on red.

I forgot. I've been in a different country. I was making it right on red. Fucking asshole. It was three lanes over. And I'm like, I'm sorry. Calm down.

My dog would cut off. off somebody jogging. She's like, why you're fucking jogging asshole? I'm just, I just never good morning. Different fucking city, isn't it? Oh my God. Six months made a fucking difference.

That pandemic fucking killed that New York City. I was there three weeks ago. I was in shock. You really? Why? You had to go into daytime. And I was blown the fuck away.

There was nobody there. Oh, no. Time Square is fucking empty. That's where all the homeless had to move down to the fucking East Village. There's nobody there. Nobody in the city. fucking, you know, 11

in the morning. I left the fucking North Bergen at 10.15 and I got the 40th Street between 5th and 6th Avenue at 1030. Zero traffic. Zero traffic. I smoked a number. There was nobody on the street. Yeah. You know, the Chipotle

was open. I went in there to get like a mix. You know, I do the beans and rice sometimes. That's your first mistake. You're in New York City, and you're getting Chipotle? How dare you? There was nothing else open. There was nothing else on the block. Trust me, I'm not a Chapulte guy at all.

But if I'm going to pinch, the black beans and white rice aren't that bad. I get the veggie. I don't eat the meat or nothing. I ate it the last time I was in New York because I was staying on 33rd and 3rd. And there was nothing open at night in that area. So that's why I moved out of that fucking hotel because I had to go to Chapulte to one night. It was good. It was good that night.

I'm like the black beans and rice are good. I went to California. I went to the movies one day and I go, I'll eat at Chipotle. I had to throw the fucking thing away. It was so goddamn bad. But if I'm in a pinch and I'm a great. And there's no bodegas open or nothing like that.

I got to hit fucking... Really? I got to hit fucking Chipotle. If I'm in a pinch, trust me. I don't want to do it either, but you got to do what you got to fucking do. What else is going on with you? You're doing stand-up?

Good? Yeah, man. I had to change it all up. I had to change my life all around. For the knee? I want to lose weight just for personal reasons. I want to lose weight. I want to change my diet up.

I changed the lifting up. Like I told you, I haven't smoked pot in a week. Just because I would never even imagine that Joey Diaz couldn't smoke pot. I wouldn't even do a 420 fucking podcast because it was like, I'm lying to them. If I do a 420, I haven't eaten an edible in the daytime since October. One of my favorite memories is you at the improv in Hollywood, and you told the crowd, you're like, yeah, I stopped smoking weed.

And they all were like, what? They're like, boo. You're like, oh, I still vape and do edibles. And they were like, oh, all right. I'm misunderstood. Yeah, no, I still take my edibles to go to sleep at night. Last night, my fucking, I laid down my heart, was beating up a storm. I'm like, what the fuck was in this edible?

I took like three, 200 milligram capsules, and I fucking took, like, the tea and two gummies that are five milligrams. Why? I didn't get used to it. Six months, I haven't had any regular edibles. And the weed they have is all dipped in acid, so it's fucking, it's not as strong, but it's more psychedelic. Where?

And so I ate edibles here, and it's just like Ecuador. The weed is dipped in acid? A lot of it, yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah, they love acid. They'll just give it a little sprinkle. And when you get fucking high, what do you see?

What kind of devil do you see when you smoke a joint? Like lines. I was smoking in the Amazon and I was staring out. It's a sunset. All the birds are coming out. And I just see these lines in the fucking, and I'm like, what the fuck kind of weed is this? I didn't figure it out for a month.

And somebody told me some locals like, oh, yeah, yeah, a lot of people dip there. Weid and acid here. Probably what you got. I mean, I was just like visuals on weed. And I'm like, maybe it's just. I'm like, no, I'm a fucking pothead. There's no weed that's going to be stronger than I've smoked.

This didn't make any sense until they hit me with that ass in it, bro. That's crazy. You miss that. I'm not complaining. Yeah. You're a world fucking traveler, man. You're a world fucking traveler. I give you that props right off the bat.

You don't give a fuck where you go. China, Korea, you wanted to go to Cuba. Everybody wants to go to fucking Cuba. They wouldn't let us in. You know, there were less than 100 COVID cases. there. They fucking did it. Nobody talks about Cuba when it comes to

COVID. Not one person. They fucking nailed it. They had the medication. They don't need no fucking stinking vaccine. They got a pill that you're home within three fucking hours in Cuba. Nobody got fucking COVID. They wouldn't let nobody into the island. If you had

it, you got shot. That's it. No spreading. We're just shooting you. What do you want a cigarette or a cigar? They did something there. Exactly. It did something There you told me about it's a $1,000 ticket if you're caught without your mask. $1,500 fine without a mask. And by the way, they're a lot poorer than here. So that $1,500 is like $10,000 here.

And people just like, I'm not doing it. They'll throw you in jail. That's usually in the Galapago. Same shit. They full lockdown at 4 p.m. You can't be outside. And so what happened? Like, in front of our friends did.

Like, what happened? Like, they were arrested. Let out the next day. And they said, if we catch you again, it's going to be a week. So it was like, people just stop fucking with it. There was a place in Mexico where the narcos were shooting people. For being out. If you didn't have a fucking mask.

You were getting shot. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, that's crazy. But you're doing stand up? You back at it. You have to stand on Tuesday nights. You're doing the little fucking show. How are you feel?

I feel terrible. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. I mean, I have, so I'm okay. It's not that. If I can risk and make fun of a crowd. member, that's okay. What, what's problem is, so there's three stages of stand up right now. There's whatever I built

in the last few months, there's last summer stuff, you know, with the election and Black Lives Matter and fucking, who knows what, you know, COVID. And then there's stuff I was doing before. And I feel like a fraud doing the shit from 16 months ago. I feel like, what the fuck's wrong with you? You couldn't write anything? You're still doing that.

I feel like an asshole doing that. Even though if it's good material, I'm just like, not yet. I can't do it yet. get back to it, but not yet. What about the material from the special? Done. I finished that tour. So that's it. You're like me. You don't want to use that material. It's holding you

back after a while. I'll tell you what. I didn't get on stage for seven months. I got on stage like in September and it felt good for about four minutes. Yeah, yeah. I did 10 minutes and it felt good for four minutes. And then

I started doing spots at Uncle Vinnie's who I loved the club. I love Dino. I love everything about that place. And the more I went down there, Ari, I felt the more a fraud. Why? Because just like what you said,

the material was old. Like, I would sit at the computer here and look at the old material and try to write new material and I would get down there and I'd forget the new material. and I'd have to hit him with old material, and I'd feel like a fucking loser at the end of the night.

I kept doing it and doing it and going Uncle Vinnie's and doing it, and I really wasn't happy with the work I was doing. Yeah, especially over the summer. You had this massive election. You had Black Lives Matter. You had COVID. You had all this new stuff, and you're still doing, not you, but I mean, if someone's still doing like,

trap was crazy on 42nd, huh? And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. No, I wasn't in the moment. I didn't feel myself being in the moment. Yeah. And then I had the knee surgery, and I took a month off, and I started doing Wednesdays again.

And then I tore my IT band. It's still fucking hurting my calf. No. What did you do? What were you doing, Duncan? You want me to tell you the truth? Trying to do a fucking windmill? Getting on stage.

I didn't know what I was doing, and when I went to get on stage, I got on stage with the right leg and I got to tell you something as soon as I stepped it was like a 12 inch step and I didn't realize it I felt the whole fucking bone in my leg

rattle I felt everything rattling and I'm on stage I got a pain pill in my pocket that I cannot take and I'm trying to do material with this fucking pain that is gripping through my body and I went home and when I got home, I went up the stairs.

My wife was gone that weekend. And when I walked up the stairs, I hurt my leg again. And I had to put ice on it and just lay down, and it was shaking. I didn't know what happened. The next day it was a little swollen. And like later that week, I went to the doctor and they told me they did an x-ray and they go, you ripped your IT muscle. So they did like a little incision and put some stuff in there.

It was painless. It was evasive. But you know what? It never really healed yet. The knee is healed. Dude, I've heard people being rusty forgetting what to do on the stage. I've never heard of someone forgetting

how to get on to the stage. When I got onto the stage, I got on with my right foot. I forgot all about the surgery. You know, you're doing stand-up. You're excited. You're not thinking about it. Now I look at every fucking step I take.

I'm worse than fucking sting. I look at every fucking step I take. Every step I take. I got to look at my fucking feet. But that night, I fucked up leg I went to the doctor and she told me I tore it and she goes just stay off it so I'm gonna catch 22 because you gotta go to the gym and ride the bike to maneuver your knee and you gotta use the IT muscle so the more I build it I rip it the following week again

with the exercise so it's just fucking killing me like I have I'm not lying to you it's not killing me right now I know sure I'm just keep redo it and I go ah Like I stepped wrong. Like yesterday I went to my daughter's softball practice. And when I got up off the bleachers one time, I put my leg up too far and I could feel,

what do you mean, cheer? I don't fucking, what am I, I just sit there with my mouth shirt? You can't say nothing because they'll throw you out of the league. You've got to bring the old school in. You've got to bring the old school cheering

like you didn't sound like fever where you're like, don't let that spick strike you out. Like, dude's crazy shit. I'm like, oh my. Last week, the coached, got into an argument with the yump and my old joe deers came in and i'm like hump you suck and one of the parents is like don't say that they won't let you on the field you won't be a lot

in the field no more you can't say that oh my god the yump just ran the fuck away and the coach said something to me two nights ago at practice he goes hey the reason why i was mad at that ump i fucking emailed people afterward and they're gonna they told me the ump was wrong so the hump had to apologize to me so i kind of felt shitty that i told the yump he sucked because he did suck You know Well, whatever. Don't suck then. By the way,

that thing you told me, you know, listen, we've watched a lot of movies during this pandemic. I mean, I've watched thousands of fucking movies

to the point where I can't watch another fucking movie. But I did watch Saturday night. You rewatched it. Fever. Way before you said

that joke to me the other day. Oh, my God. The other day I called Ari. I go, what's going on? He goes, nothing. I watched Saturday

fever last night. I didn't know there was so much rape in the movie. I go, oh, my God. That's right. That's a big rapy movie. All you remember is the dance contest. I'm like, sure, whatever.

They just glanced over the rapes. Yeah, no, the rape was terrible. You know who the chick is that got raped? She's Pat Perisi's wife on the Sopranos. No way, really? So if you watch the Sopranos, the mother, Pat Porese, his wife, they only showed her like season seven. Why are you crying when I do it?

You didn't cry when he? was the back here. That is the most disturbing fucking movie in the world. All those 70 creepy cocaine movies that beginning of, last night I watched Papillon. That's a good movie.

Wow. Wow. How to get off the island? That's a good, a long one too. Wow. I sat here until 11 o'clock just fucking mesmerized,

trying to figure out who directed this movie. Because it was like a Stanley Kubrick type movie. I don't know. I got so fucking. Yeah, they're trying to get off the island the whole time. Who is the rich guy?

Was the guy from the graduate? The fucking Jew, Dustin Hoffman. Yeah, yeah. He was tremendous. The rich guy. He was tremendous with his glasses. They bump into Julio from Sanford and Son when they get to Honduras and he fucking runs them out. I mean, the movie is fucking tremendous.

But back to Sinai Live, I don't think, I think the 70s, I think I saw, first of all, there's never been a rape scene that I've seen. I don't feel fucking. I don't feel good. You feel creepy. Death Wish is the worst rape scene. Saturday Night Fever is another terrible rape scene. The worst rape scene

is the movie with Jody Foster. The Cues. When she's in the bar in Boston. That was tough. Difficult. Anytime it's tough. He just wanted to end. Just like, come on. You're like, why do I have to fucking watch this shit? This is, Death Hunt's rape scene destroyed me when I was a kid.

because I saw it in the movie theater. Oh, the rape scene in Death Wish with Jeff Goldblum, and, you know, I think it's Jeff Goldblum, and the first one is fucking disturbing. And I saw it as a kid. And I remember thinking about my mother being at the bar going, holy shit, this could happen to my mother. Like, I'm going to fucking kill somebody if this happens.

Like, this is not good. So all those 70s movies that had this rape scenes. Whenever I had my head, like, if, like, if, uh, I don't know. Let's say Renizzi and his wife are over and his wife. I don't walk the dog real quick. Anybody that I know that it's like they go outside and it goes in my head and start going like, oh, I wonder. As soon as I start thinking rape, I'm just, in my head to go, please just someone just murder them instead of that.

Just like, yeah, no, I don't, I'm not big on none of that shit. And those 70 movies date, they're a little bit on the graphic side. They're greedy. This has been on the last four nights and I didn't watch it. I'm like, I've seen it too much. I got to prepare. Last time I saw the fucking exorcist, I did mushrooms by mistake

and went home. I had like an ounce of mushrooms at the office and Lee kept telling me that the mushrooms tasted like shit and that they grow and shit, how can I eat them? And I'm like, fucking Lee, everybody eats fucking mushrooms. You're the only person ever that's complained about them. I've been involved with mushrooms since 1983 in Colorado.

And not one person is, ever said to me, they taste like shit. You know, there's people that say they don't taste good and they make it into a tea. Fuck off. Just eat it. Shut the fuck up. It's good for you. That's like I got so fucking pissed out of him one night that I took the biggest stem in the

fucking bag and I go, Lee, don't taste like shit. I just chewed the whole fucking thing. All the way down, swallowed it. And then after the podcast, I went to pee and the bathroom was purple. And I'm like, I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up. I got in the car. I ran

I made a big mistake. And it was 10 to 11 when I got home. I go, perfect. I watch eyewitness news and calm down a little bit and go to bed at midnight. And I scrolled, you know how you scrolled to see what's coming on? The Exorcist was coming on. It was 10 to 11. I go, fuck it, I'll watch the Exorcist.

Big mistake. Yeah? Big mistake. This is too real. That movie's too real. I lasted maybe 22 minutes. Yeah. And I had to turn it off and run into the bedroom like a little girl and just put my head

under the pillow. Then I realized I couldn't fall asleep because I didn't have to sleep apnea your mask on. I'm like, what the fuck is going out with my world? This is terrible.

Dude, you were legitimately scared to a horror movie. I watched Kujo when I was still scared of dogs and tried to walk home three minutes at my friend of Atenham Ballard said. There was a dog just barking.

And I was like, fuck it. I took it 45 minutes around the neighborhood, so I just have to pass that dog. I got to tell you something. You just reminded me of a fucking tremendous movie.

I haven't watched Kujo in 20 years. I tell you, the movie sensation. Another one real. It's real. So it's like, fuck, this could happen. You know what's really good? What? I read that book when I was locked up.

Oh, the Kujo the book. Oh, very scary. I think it had a cover of something on the cover. What is it? A dog, a lion. What are they scared of? The dog, Kujo is a dog. Yeah, it's a big time for Nard.

Yeah, it was a dog on the cover. Fucking scary as shit. That book fucked me up. That's it turned me out to Stephen King. That's how I fell in love with Stephen King. That's one of his greatest fucking books, I think. That's what I liked him. He's like, that version of Stephen King is like the old WWF with Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant, all them, and then how it changed.

So Stephen King back then it was Coojo, Carrie, you know, monkey tales, or whatever, the one with the monkey on the cover is, the short stories. It's just like those, Stephen. And then they did, like, the Watchtower or whatever, the Watcher. And that was, like, a later thing. I was looking for that book. That book is Do a Read. Well, which one? On writing.

Stephen King, I don't know where the fuck it is. It's over there somewhere. But it's due or read. That's a great book. The story about Carrie, how he wrote a, he was a janitor in Vermont at the time. It's a fucking janitor. So for you people who are janitors at home, you got hope.

That's right. Stephen King. You're the goodwill hunting or Stephen King. Yeah, he was a janitor. And he fucking was writing part-time. He didn't know where to start, you know, like any other fucking schmuck. And he was writing a story about a girl who could, move stuff with her mind telepathically.

And he wrote the beginning where she got her period and she didn't want it. And he... Hug it up. And he looked at it up. And he looked at himself and he goes, what the fuck am I writing? And he threw it away. And his wife walked past, looked in the garbage, took the script out, read it and said, what the fuck did you throw this away for?

Finish this. And that's Carrie. Wow. Sometimes wives are fucking lifesavers. That's right. what the fuck we don't listen to him because we're jerk offs but his wife told him to take it out and finish that fucking script you know what made that movie so good too that book so good is all the fucking christian undertones to it because her mom cissy space act in that movie

i think it was her beautiful in that movie she was yeah but it was like you get under the stairs and it was like you're being held up by christianity while your wild other side is coming out just in this rageful and they hit it with that pig's blood bad move that was a bad That was a prequel to like when people knew Jiu-Jitsu, but they didn't look tough. People were like, we can't pick on Carrie. She can't do shit, little scrawny bitch. What are you going to do? Carrie, fuck their world.

You know, that's another movie that had a little bit of Travolta in it. That was when Travolta blew up. What? Travolta was huge on Saturday. I know I signed that live. Welcome Home, Welcome Back Carter. So he was huge. They lied to you.

They told you Travolta was in the movie. when you went to the movie, Travolta was only like in two scenes. What was he? He was one of the jocks, right? He was one of the guys that he busted the balls. He was the one chick's boyfriend. That's right. And at the end, he dies when she's walking down the road.

And he's driving towards her and he goes, I'm going to hit her. And he swerves and she gives her the, and then he fucking goes off the cliff and shit. He was only in it for maybe one or two scenes. They lied to you. They lied because John Travolta. You went down there and see John Travolta. Walter, little did they tell you, he had three fucking lines in the movie.

He was on fire as Iron Fever. He was so fucking electric. He was great. I always heard Tantino talking about him, like bringing him out for Pulp Fiction. And he goes, he was one of the biggest movie stars in terms of movie stars. I'm in terms of like draw, but in terms of how he took him on a screen, I was like, I'll take your word for it, Tantino. But then you see him and you're like, God damn, you're so brash and fucking, oh, I would

look that guy's asshole. in a movie like that if you, you know, if you took me back there, I'd be like, look my asshole, whatever, I can't do the impression.

I'd be like, whatever you want. Look my asshole. Not anymore. Now you can't, now he can't buy him. Now you've got to get in line. Now you got to fucking compete with him

to give him a massage and shit like that. Poor John Travolta. He loves those young masseuses. His wife died. I mean, he's had a rough go over it. His son passed. So my heart goes out to the Travolta family.

I mean, he's made, you know, the last, people beat up on him lately because of his movie, choices. Probably the guy's wife died.

The guy's son died. You know, God knows what his fucking mind is at. Give him a fucking breath. They want these guys to be at the top of their game forever. They'd rather them just die at 45. You see De Niro, same shit, where people are like, what is this?

What is it? You know, and it's like, dude, he's an old man. He ain't a 26-year-old anymore. Like, fuck it, he's an old man. You're lucky he's doing anything. You know what? The fucking grudge match premiere, he fell asleep. He was right in front of us.

We were sitting there. He was right in front of us. And he's passed the fuck out. It was past his bedtime. Eight o'clock and De Niro's already in fucking bed. That's right. You went to the premiere with me. His head was getting a little hat on.

Remember he had a little hat on? Yeah, he was all the way back. He was out. He was out. He was out. That's how you could tell when you're in a bad movie, when you pass out of your own fucking movie. Once I saw he was asleep, I'm like,

this is a bad fucking movie. We're not going to make any fucking money with this movie. The movie ain't a bad. The only good thing is we were left afterwards and we were taking a picture in the red carpet and Big Pussy was there. And I was there when you met Big Pussy at first time. My phone is off out of respect for the movie.

And I take the picture, I'm like, it's got to go on. It takes three minutes to go on these fucking iPhones. And he was like, hurry up. And I'm like, I'm trying, I'm trying. I got to look this picture. Remember we were walking down the stairs. That's how we bumped into Puss.

We were walking down the stairs, all of us. It was like 200 people. And I'm like, what are you doing here? He's like, what the fuck are you doing here? Finally, I get to meet you. I look like you. I can't believe it's you. Everyone's like, who's this Joey Diaz?

You look like Joey Diaz. I'm like, who the fucking Joey Diaz? It was so cool. It was so cool seeing you guys face to face. It was like, wow. It was like fucking macho man and Hulk Hogan turning around. It was like just two powerhouses meeting each other. So what are your plans now?

What do you want to do now? What's your next move? What are you thinking? Go back on the road, build a new hour. You know, I start road road with my leftover shit and get on, June 11th and 12th at Hartford and then some gigs in July and then September hard.

Also that they're listen, I like to go up on stage. I'll go up nonstop, but the travel, that's going to cut down. You know, I like doing stand-up, but I don't, I can do it for $25 here as much as I can do it for $2,000, you know, on a flight. So it's like, I'm doing some gigs

but I'm taking August off to go get drunk with my friends. I love last summer in New York. They do walktails. They fucking put a caprice on a pouch full of margarita and said, enjoy. And you just walk around. Right next to a cop, which is the street? And they're like, that way, sir. They're all scared of us now.

Now you can smoke weed right in front of cops. Weed is legal in New York now for black people too. It's fucking great. And you smoke weed and drinking the streets and I'm like, I'm doing that again. I told all my friends, take August off if you know what's good for you. We're going to have a great time, go to Jones Beach, have a fucking blast. Throw up in

the street at fucking 6 p.m. like a man. So I'm going to do a lot more of that, hanging out, enjoy myself, and then September I'll hit it all heart again. What do you think about the state of stand-up right now for you? What do you think? I think I'm going to have more fun with it again.

Because the last whole tour, I was trying to build a specific hour about Judaism and a religion in general. And now it's like those shackles come off. I'm going to have fun again. I remember I'm doing these shows of these young comics run, and they're still creative. They're still like, I'm going to try a character

today or I'm going to do this today. And it's like, oh yeah, just fun for fun's sake. So like, do more of that. Do more like, hey, come meet me to stand. Let's do a little sketch instead of doing stand-up. Let's have a fucking good time. You know, come in me to sell or let's just fuck around. Let's pretend I'm a tell you. Remember Domera's? What was this? Razor or Arrow? I forget what was the name. It was a brand new open mic or he would get flustered all the time. You'd be like, hey, do you guys ever take the bus?

sometimes that's and somebody goes yeah he goes you have to start over there hey you guys ever take the bus sometimes it was just like it's so fun I don't know that's what I want to do I want to have fun again I want to have fun with travel I'm combining everything I got two weeks in Washington State Spokane and Tacoma in I think September

so O'Neill's going to open for me Matt Eggers going to over for me out of me it's going to come meet me Pete C's going to come meet me we'll go camping in between it's a four hour drive so we're going to drive two hours go camping for four days and then fucking do the other shows. I'm having fun. That's what I'm planning for stand-up.

You got to hold on to the good parts of this fucking COVID, you know? Some people are so terrible, but I'm like, you know, all these businesses, folks. First of all, a lot of those businesses fucking sucked. Let's all be honest with ourselves. And that guy delivered food cold late at night, and you're like, I hope you got out of business. Well, guess what? You got your fucking wish. So you got to hold on to the good parts, and that's what I'm trying to do.

Hold on to the good parts of COVID. You know? I want to shit. He's dead already. I want this shit to be over with. I see a light at the end of the tunnel like everybody else sees, you know. I don't know what I'm going to do with stand-up yet. You know, I just had another call today for a book, a publisher.

I've got like six chapters written. I got Jimmy Florentine's niece. She's a writer. She's already an author. She's published. So I've been working with her since January. Cool. So I think that if we continue to do this, the book will be out by fucking,

the book will be finished by November and out by February. Maybe March the latest because they want an audio book also, the company's meeting with. So I got my hands full with that. You know, the podcast is struggling. I don't give a fuck. It's struggling. What do you mean?

I just like the idea of coming out and talking, giving my thoughts out, whether they like it or not. you know we know the window you know you know the podcast window you know the entertainment world and you have to take advantage of it when the iron is hot and sometimes the iron gets cold but you still got to do your fucking thing regardless every day you got to push and that's what I'm doing you know I'm starting to think the fucking the interview podcast has kind of run its course yeah I think the interview because everybody's got one so you're not uncovering anybody's

story you just hear in the same stories and over and over again different people start getting like autopiloty a little bit, but it's just like, it's headed back to either the morning zoo type podcasts, like Legion of Skang's or your mom's house or shit like that, just like fun for fun sake. Even that, it's like, we didn't get into this speedy radio hosts.

We were just doing it for a little bit. We're all stand-ups. So it's just like, whatever. Once you're making enough to get by, may as well have fun. You know, for me, I just wanted to get out of this funk. The pandemic affected me weird. like all the news.

Gotta stop reading the news, dude. I gave up in fucking July. Thank you for telling me now. But I stopped last July before I moved, but the damage was already done. Sure. You know, the damage is already done. I figured out that I couldn't watch the news anymore.

I haven't watched it at all. I don't, nothing, nothing. You care less about politics. I can't less about anything else. I knew that, you know, you got to distance yourself. You got to wear your mask. that's what I knew, so that's what I did.

The only news you need is a weather report. Did you get vaccinated? Yeah, I got my one. I got my next one like in a week or so. Yeah, I got vaccinated. Regardless of what people said, listen, you're going to need that card for a while to get into places. They're going to break your fucking balls.

You can't get in the Yankee Stadium without the card. So I'm doing it. Plus, I heard there's a side effect. It turns your dick bigger than it normally is. Well, whatever the fuck the side effect is, I really don't give a fuck. I just wanted to get this over with, I got sick and tired of getting the emails

every three days. You ate lunch at a place. The waitress was contaminated. No way. Really? You came to Coles and paid for fucking something and you got an email the cashier had it. And then it started at the comedy club where I was going and I was like

you know what? That's it. I can't take this. You know, I was taking so many tests. I had the guy like on a salary for fucking two months. The guy told me you come here so much. Yeah. Because I was going there so much the guys like this and joe i would just work with you you know just give me like fucking a test or whatever you'd pull out any of your 90s coke nah that shit's gone it's 30 years

there's not because remember i had the no surgery uh-huh that's really bad at no surgery and that's when they found the hidden treasures and the big snots and coke rocks who uncovered the tomb there's you know my doctor's name was i did the surgery doctor line that was his name doctor line i'm like You're my perfect fucking doctor. Just draw out, Dr. Lyme. And he knew it, too. After the surgery, he's like, man, you had some weird stuff in there. Like, I know.

27 years of doing blow, you're going to find Hoffa or his cousin. You're going to find something that fucking schnaz. Look at the size of it now. And I lost weight on my face. It's even bigger than ever. I look like an angry Jew now and shit. That's right. That always gives me shit for having a big nose.

What about Diaz? Fuck. Yeah, this weight loss is, uh, it's been great. Listen, I'm having a great time, Harry. I got to be honest. Listen, if you want me to tell you, I was telling, Mike, I missed the good people from L.A. I missed the Jerry Roaches and the Steve Simone.

They wrote, uh, yeah. And the people that just had no malice in their heart. I miss, I don't miss the desperation. I don't miss talking to fucking agents. It's desperate there. Godjam. I don't miss that chatter, you know, a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine called me. And she's like, I think he would work well.

with these people. They manage a lot of podcast people. The 10-minute call was brutal. All right. Listening to him. Just listening to the guy, I finally just hit fucking end. And I text the guy,

and I said the phone call went down. They kept texting me back. When are we going to meet? I don't want to meet. I don't want to see no body. You just hear them talking, that Hollywood way of talking. Just that Hollywood way of talking,

I'm done. Like, I've detoxed now to the point where I look at comments. and I can tell what the fuck their problem was. I could tell if their dad molested them, if their uncle stuck a finger up their ass, if they got beat up. Like, now when I see a comic,

I'm like, oh, this goes back to this. Like, I'm so far away from that realm of L.A. I got nothing against anybody. I still love the comedians I loved. It's just, you know, bread. I love everybody. Normal good people got soured. It did.

Normal good people got soured. It felt like they had to, like, do this. Oh, I got to go talk to that guy. He's a big guy. But this guy's your friend. This guy's a fellow fucking Yankee fan. You'd rather talk to this guy. But that guy's on a show.

Like, that's not, you're not that guy. You're not that person who would choose that over that. And yet, everyone felt like they had to. It got sick. It got really sick. You know, you remember when we first got to the store in 97, 98? Yeah, 99 for me. It was a fucking rat hole.

Nobody cared about anybody. Nobody was doing shit. Nothing. But remember those older guys? Do you remember those older guys that hung out? Yeah, sure. I remember even then looking at those guys and going, I don't want to become one of them.

I don't want to become one of them. If there's anything I want out of comedy, is I want to do comedy, but I don't want to be one of those guys that's holding it onto this place for fucking the last hurrah. And listen, that wasn't my situation. That wasn't my case.

I was very lucky at 58 that I walked out of the comedy store. I didn't walk out. I didn't crawl out on my knees. I walked out like a fucking man. I'm very proud of that. But at the same time, I put my 30 years in. The comedy store was always a place for young comics to grow. And they told them when I started there,

the reason to get into the comedy store is to eventually get out of the comedy store. To get out of the comedy store. And then it became more popular, and people stayed and stayed and stayed and there was no, like, reforest stage. You're supposed to go 10, 15 years, get a sitcom, get out. Somebody knew it was two years in, now seven years in. Now they're great. And then they get a sitcom seven years later.

somebody else comes up. It was always that cycle. People stayed. But man, I argue with people on this a lot. To me, the heyday in the comedy store is not when you have lineups of like Silverman, David Spade, Rogan, Fitzsimmons,

the guy from Texas, Jeffrey, it's not that. The heyday was a bunch of nobodies. And then let's see if we can see some fucking older comic fucking somebody in the back. You know, we have a little fucking makeshift casino where the bartenders aren't even fucking working. They're all there gambling.

It's fucking dark, degenerate shit. You might try to fuck a waitress after hours. If you can wait long enough and like, it's just like that, the heyday of the comedy story. Now it's all fucking preppy. It's just like,

it's just lame. There's no danger there anymore. There was none. I still like it. I think it'll come back after all the stars left. But like, man, once they lock the door,

once they lock that back door, because they're like liability. It's like, fuck, this place changed. Well, I'll tell you what, I liked every phase of the comedy store. Yeah, you like it. It's not bad.

It's just not as good. I like, well, you got to remember, again, I walked out of there with my own two feet in 2007. I didn't crawl out. Nobody threw me out. Nobody banned me. I said one day that if I started at, I'll give you a name, if I started at Royal Oak Comedy Club. What's the name of the club in common? Royal Oak Comedy Club.

Let's just say I started a doctor. Let's just say I started Dr. Grins. Okay? Let's say I started at Uncle Vinnie's. How long is my window at Uncle Vinny's? From the time I get on stage to the time I become a headline, it's about seven years. And then he's going to tell me that then I headline New Year's,

I'll headline Thanksgiving, I'll headline the Fourth of July, I'll headline all those dates. Yeah. And after about two years of that, somebody has to come to you and say, come here, Ari, listen, you've already overstayed your welcome by two years.

It's time to go to L.A. and show the boys what you got. I thought about the same thing when it came to the comedy store. When all that shit was going down, when I could feel, I felt the tide changing the same way I felt LA, the reason why I left.

I felt something wasn't right. I took myself out of there. within six minutes there was a video. Rogan going off on Carlos. There were other videos, other things happening there, and next thing you know, the comedy store was done.

I looked at it and I go, I got to give it a breather. Yeah, me too. I had to give it a breather for seven fucking years. I didn't step foot in there. And I wasn't banned from there. No, I mean, I spent about two.

It was the same thing. I drove by on my way home, you know, I lived like down the block. So I drove by and I was about to pull in. after that time where they just like for whatever reason they decided to ban Joe Rogan for for whatever the shit is but like after that mancia step we're like the height of the comedy world for about two days Todd Glass was like I had to run into I don't have internet where I was I didn't run on my manager's officers and watch that video

so for two days everybody was talking about it and then they go we're banning Joe Rogan I just felt disgusted by it for a minute it wasn't even a decision I just pulled in to come in I go, I don't want to be here. And I just kept driving, went home, started going to the improv more. Every time I drove by, I mean, I lived, like, literally a block and a half away. I just felt like, bleh, for about two years.

And then I was like, I didn't feel bleh anymore, and I went in. But, you know, yeah, you took off longer than I did. Weird. I believe in giving things a break. I believe in not letting somebody come to you tell you it's time to go. Nobody should tell you it's time to go.

You should talk to Cal Ripkin. You know what? They tell Cal Ripkin. Like, dude, you've got to move the third. We can't be thinking. You're not good anymore, dude. We respect you, but like, come on, man. You already have the record. I can't believe you threw Cal Ripkin in there, cocksuck. I like Cal Ripkin. Listen, I'm going to run. I love you, Coxuck.

I'm happy you took the time to do this today, man. Yeah. And I'll be seeing you soon. Hopefully one of these nights I'll drop in the stand at fucking Tuesday and see you. You're welcome. I told Jimmy, Jimmy's going to come over, Florentine, so text him. Down over where?

He's going to come to see you at the stand on a Tuesday if you wanted to. Oh, hell yeah, of course. He told him you were doing that, the outside patio, and he said he'd go over and see you one of the nights. Yeah, yeah, outside until I'm back, then I'm back in. I'm happy that you told me you feel weird on stage because, man, I felt like shit up there. And usually when I hit the stage, I feel like a new man.

It's like the fountain of youth. It's fun, though. It's fun to be nervous again. You're like, what do I say? I have my notebook out. I wasn't even nervous. I wasn't even nervous. That's what really got me.

Because I usually have a little fear before I go on stage. You don't like that fear, but that's the fear that makes you kill on stage. I wasn't getting that fear. I wasn't getting that fear. And I remembered that. Take a break, like you said. Towards the end of before the pandemic, I was such on fire. Like before the pandemic, those fucking last 90 days,

I was doing the best comedy I was ever doing in my life. I was going up there every night. I was fucking rocking. I saw you at Town Hall. You fucking destroyed that place. I was fucking on a different level. And just, you know, I was in the middle of writing new material. I was writing new material.

And this pandemic hit. And I don't know. Listen, man, we change. Just the fact that I haven't smoked pot in seven days. that's got to tell you something and I'm calling people that I'm dear friends with and going what could this be

and the best answer I got was Dean Del Rey he said that maybe my body's not that stressed out anymore and that's one thing that is real just getting that desperation those people away from you that detox from L.A. that get that fucking bugs off me

I felt so much better I'm sleeping better you know I'm just a mentally better all around. The problem is you can't really write material until you're on stage because if your body doesn't make you,

there's no like flight or flight. So you've got to get on there, a bomb, and then you're like, oh shit, any material. So it's like you can't write until you're, until you, it's after you already needed it. It's a nutty thing.

It's crazy that I've been doing what Paul Mooney said. Paul Mooney always said to be a good writer, you have to be entertained at all times. If you want to entertain, you should go get entertained. You know, so I picked up the guitar. That was a, that was a positive during all this thing.

I picked up the guitar and I started playing the guitar and doing lessons. And every time I play the guitar, I feel creative. Like when I start fucking around, I don't know what I'm doing. When I'm doing the lesson, I'm uptight. I'm very rigid. But it's just like stand-up. It's like doing material and improvising. When you're doing material, you're very rich.

I found myself very rigid on stage for a while. Because you were just like delivering lines that someone else wrote, even though you wrote it. Listen, there was a big difference in my, in the way I looked at comedy over the years. When I was working with Rogan and headlining on my own, those stupid clubs, I didn't really give a fuck. What came out of my mouth?

The best special I did was the first one. I don't even know what it's called, like the first one I did with Lee. because it's either you or the priest. I love that special because it was written on the way down to Braia. It was written in the car on the way down to prayer. You told me that one of the other things not happening to me did.

And it was the same thing where it was like, because people are like, how do you book people? I'm like, depends if they've proven themselves or not. You obviously prove it yourself over and over again. So you tell that Zeraita story and you're like, Ari, I don't want to tell us on stage until I tell on stage until we record it. And I'm like, do whatever you want. I wouldn't allow that for most people.

maybe Jay you know but but you're like yeah I don't want to fucking I don't want to go over this I want to be on the spot and so it's like then do it then do that and it was a fucking amazing

it was amazing it was so fucking in the moment that was that's big for me sometimes that's my problem with stand up was I get caught up with the material it's not about the material it's what's going on inside

and at the moment so sometimes you might write something it's two months old now it's part of the special it's part of the special it's part of this fucking thing and it's like it's not even you anymore but you got to use the special

you need the time blah blah blah blah blah blah blah that's what I didn't like about comedy like I told these people on the podcast I go do you guys want if you guys want I'll just fucking charge your 40 bucks and fucking go on the road and go out there and talk shit for 40 minutes even though you're going to pay 40 for two tickets

you're going to pay for a babysitter and dinner I could be the biggest piece of shit in the world. I'm a thief. I've done it before. I just go up there and sing songs. I don't give a fuck. I'll do a whole monologue on the Cuban Missile Crisis. Do you know what I'm saying?

I don't want to do that. I want to give them the best that I could be. So when I'm ready, and that pen starts fucking flowing, and I start doing little guest sets, because that's how the only way I'm going to bring myself back. You got to do shows where people don't know you. That's what separates you and me and it's mother.

people too where it's like it's a respect for the audience like guys i could just go up here but like i'd rather just not make any money no i'd rather not make money on them take your cash and not give you a really good show i don't want to leave and come to my hotel room and have somebody on twitter go that was the worst fucking show i've ever seen yeah joey you didn't even fucking try so that's where i stand i love you cocksucker i love you too buddy don't forget about my podcast is on youtube now finally okay so they let you back on they let me back on youtube I may be promised not to have Milo on ever again. I said, we'll see.

Where the fuck is Milo Yanopoulos? He's back. He's heterosexual. He's straight now. He's said he's no longer gay, and he was a sodomite, and he apologizes for it. He says, it's disgusting. How do fuck do people that are gay just stop being gay one day? Like that chick from Donnie Brasco.

She was eating out Ellen's asshole for years while she was getting rolls. And then one day she's like, I don't want to do movies no more. I'm going to get a husband and get married. What happened to your fucking? I'm as a lesbian. What the fuck? You weren't a weed blow? You know, you gotta be a wee blow

before you get the way you're gonna go. Now you're not a weeblown no more. What the fuck? I love you, cock suckers. Stay black. I'll see you soon, buddy. I'll come over in a few weeks. Okay, I'll be in touch.

We'll talk about that other thing, too. We'll surprise these cock suckers. All right. All right. Stay black. Happy Roshosh Hashana. We got the time. You got it.

I love it. My dad does love. Send him my love. I did. All right. I hope you enjoyed my little te-tate with Ari. You know me. I'm like fucking sting.

Every step I take now. Now you've got to be fucking careful. I hope you enjoyed this little te-tate with Ari. I had a great time seeing him. Don't forget, if you're in New York City, Jersey area, he's doing a fucking thing at the stand every Tuesday night, 8 o'clock outside. If you're COVID, fucking scared. At least you're outside.

It's the spring now in New York City. So it's a fall time. Right now, well, I got you. I want to talk. I want to thank our sponsors. Our first sponsor, as usual, is Onit. Don't forget to go to Honit.com right now. They're having their semi-annual sale.

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You understand me? This thing carried me through my surgery. That cream was tremendous. The tape was tremendous. I mean, the back wall, I go upstairs to my tub. I just sitting there for 30 minutes and soak my fucking knee. When it comes to CBD, CBD Lion is the brand that you're looking for. Go to CBDLion.com right now and press in Joey or church and get 20% off your

order delivered to your house. They also had a huge sale recently. They also gave away a PlayStation 5. I mean, they're a great company. I love doing business with them. I've been there forever. Other people reach out. Joey, could you please know? I'm with CBD Lion. So like I said, go to cbd lion.com right now pressing joey or church and get 20% off and you get the CBD delivery to your fucking house. And that's it and that's that. It was another great weekend of Uncle Joey's joint. I'm happy you got to join that. I want to thank Ari. I want to thank Honit. I want to thank ZipRecrued. I want to thank CBD Lion. Don't forget, there's a great UFC card this week. Fucking tremendous. I will highlight it. I will be on Instagram on

Saturday night to give you who my picks are. Draft Kings as usual. Co. Joey, they'll take care of you. Tell him I sent you. And without further notice, I love you, cock suckers at all my heart. Thank you for watching thank you for being a part uncle joey's joint and don't forget the nfts come out tonight patreon i love you cocks suckers with all my heart stay black and have a great weekend