The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #065 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Monday, May 17th..... This episode is brought to you by BluBlox & CBD Lion..... Go to https://www.BluBlox.com/JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com PROMO CODE: JOINT or CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on IG: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 17th of May. The joint is brought to you by Blue Blocks. I've already told you about the Blue Blocks Amazing Sleep Mask. I'll tell you what, ever since I've been wearing my mask, I've been averaging at least an extra 45 to an hour or night, a good fucking solid sleep. And now I'm here to tell you about their light filtering glasses.

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Let's get this party started. Where's this fucking lighter at? Boom. Candles lit, motherfuckers. Let's get this show on the road. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday to 17. of May.

We are fucking three quarters there, and we're a month out of fucking wearing mask and putting up a bullshit anymore. It's over. We're out of it. I don't know. The only thing can happen, maybe some Indian guy bites you in the neck. But besides that, we're fucking done. You know what I'm saying?

It's all over. But the shouting was a great week. Last week, I had a great time. The NFTs went over. Great. Thank you very much. I'm Patreon. Mike Weak was so great. Friday night.

We had a softball game. The families went out after that for fucking a big dinner, you know, pizza and wings and shit. And then Saturday we had a big fucking game down in Freehold, tremendous and Sunday parties. I mean, I was looking at my schedule before, not my schedule. I went to the kitchen and I was looking at their schedule, which I'm part of. You know what I'm saying? And it's really weird how you got to see the month of May. like it runs straight to fucking Memorial Day.

We don't stop. And then Memorial Day weekend, there ain't no beach. Like everybody's like, oh, Memorial Day weekend, we're going to the show. We got so much shit just in the neighborhood. There's a day we can't even go to the one kid's party. I got to go to a kid's party and my wife has to go to a party. And then we're going to switch mercy around. That's how busy we are here.

That's how fucking different life is from fucking California here. I mean, there's a children's state. This is a fucking child state This is all I'm involved in There's some days I'm like What the fuck is going on in my life And there's some days I'm like This is what I'm supposed to be doing

When I was out on the road I wasn't dealing with this stuff I didn't really know what was going on And I'm really sorry And this is why now I'm all fucking in That this has happened You know so I'm really I'm really happy That uh

We're here We did some great things this weekend She's fucking coming along just fine and yours truly looking better than ever trying two weeks no refa fucking sunday anniversary i mean you know and again you know those assholes that go to rehab and they come out and they try to make you feel bad like my life's all different now i feel so much energy i'm not even pasta anymore or rice it's not about that it's not about that at all it's just about i would love the bullshit you guys and tell you that I ran up a mountain play without wheezing and shit like that,

but no, it's the same. I feel good. I'm just doing it just to give it a break so I could get high like you normal motherfuckers, because I'm not normal. This is not normal. This shit is not normality. This shit I was doing. But anyway, what I want to talk to you about this Monday morning is what happened

last week. And what we do is comics and what people expect from you as a comic and what you can say as a comic anymore. When I got into this, I dove into this 150%. For the first fucking six months of comedy, yes, I was a

pussy and I didn't get on stage and I worked as a doorman. I was watching. I was watching. I was reading. There was no internet. It wasn't like there was an internet and I could fucking go on there and find out about stand-up or anything. I would just read.

I would read anything I thought. stand-up. Once a month, a fucking newspaper came out about stand-up out of San Francisco, John Fox. I forget what the newspaper was. It really doesn't matter, but that's the only way you had to know what was going on unless you went to a comedy club. There was really no internet. So my first introduction to comedy was Richard Pryor. What comes out of that man's mouth? What came out of his mouth that you didn't hear before? Everything. Everything came out of his fucking mouth. And then my second introduction was George Carlin, who I didn't like as much as Richard Pryor. I was more of a Richard Pryor type of guy. And then once I got into comedy more and more,

like I like David Brenner and I remember Freddie Prince and I remember those guys. They weren't my all-time favorites. But once Kennison came and Dice came and fucking, you know, Bill Hicks came along, I started studying them. I really studied them. I really studied them. I bought, I didn't buy. I rented, because I didn't have the money to buy, $59 for a video. It was a lot of money in those days. I'd rather pay,

I'd rather spend $300 on renting it than just buy it out right for $59,000 like a normal person. But I rented it every fucking other day, and they ended up paying like $2,000 instead of $49. The point is I looked at everything. Hand manorisms, I got a notebook, and I looked at hand many rhythms, the way they stand. I made notes for who touches the mic,

doesn't touch the mic, why they don't touch the mic? Is there a reason? Are they animated with their hands when they're explaining to you? Who goes back and forth? I studied all that. You know, I studied all that. And then when I was on the road, I would go to libraries to kill time. This are things that people don't know about me.

If I had a night in Idaho City, what the fuck is there to do in Idaho City? What is Studio 50 fucking for? There ain't nothing to fucking do in the daytime. So I would just go to a library and ask them about biographies and stuff like that. And I started reading about an interesting guy named Lenny Bruce. I told you guys years ago, Rogan has put it up on his podcast. The book to read is ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce. And how to talk dirty and influence people and how to make friends.

I read all those books. Abby Hoffman, steal this book. You're dealing with the wrong fucking guy here. I read all those fucking books. When I moved to Bold, I was into all that hippie shit, you know, Abby Hoffman and all that stuff that's part of the fucking game. But when I started reading about, I can't remember what it's fucking Lenny Bruce, was when my eyes really opened up to what he had gone through.

I don't know if you guys have any idea who Lenny Bruce is. But Lenny Bruce is a comic, I think, from the 60s, 50s, 70s, whatever the fuck. And his big thing was he was blue and he kept getting in trouble. See, the only places you could perform in those days as a stand-up comic were at strip clubs or burles shows. Like when I went to Tennessee to visit my in-laws a couple years ago, there's a comedy club in Jackson that is fucking tremendous. It's just a little cave. But it used to be a burlese place. So it couldn't be in Nashville because, you know what I'm saying?

They would fucking bust you. So they made it like 45 minutes, 30 minutes. I don't know how far Jackson is outside of Nashville. Nashville don't, what am I even fucking MapQuest? I don't know, but I know that it's like a half hour or something. It's outside of city limits. Do you know what I'm saying? It was like outside.

So it was like burlesque. The owner was telling me that it was a Belas place and that Lenny Bruce had performed there. I mean, this is all, you know, so there was no comedy clubs. The first comedy club was supposedly a funny bone out of Pittsburgh. That was, I don't know how true it is. if you guys want to research it and get back to me on it, get back to me. But that's the word on the street. It was a guy in Syracuse named Bruno Sharipa,

and there was a guy in Pittsburgh. There were brothers, and supposedly they opened up the first guy. I don't know how real this is. You guys could fact-check me. I'm just telling you what the fuck I heard. I didn't have time to fucking read up on it, but this is what I read about all those years.

I read about Lenny Bruce and what he had gotten through. what he had gone through for us, okay, like for other comics to come. Like he was getting arrested, you know, whatever. And then you got Jim Morrison. And now we're talking about music. And he was doing something completely different. He took his dick out of Miami and all this shit.

And he said shit on stage. He was talking stuff on stage. But those two guys, let's focus on what those two guys did. It's called artistic freedom for people who don't know it. Okay? It's called artistic freedom. Once you hit that stage, there's a thing that's called artistic freedom. Now, don't get me wrong, what comes out of your mouth should be funny when you have artistic fucking freedom.

I mean, we all fucking agree on that, okay? Number two, it's not what you say. It's how you say. Remember these words for the rest of your fucking. fucking life, I could tell you, hey, fuck you. Or, hey, fuck you! They sounded completely different. And both of them had completely different meanings to them.

That same fuck you had two different meanings to it. So always remember that when you go on stage. You know, as comics, we think of every fucking bombing. I could tell you every bomb alert, you know, I can't tell you what I had for breakfast this morning. but I could tell you through the years, the bomb alerts I had, I could tell you through the years the bad jokes I said, and they fell through.

They fell down. I remember through the years when I tried to be cute and be edgy that I would fall on my face, because people see right through that. People see right through that. You guys are smarter than that as an audience. That's why I said to you a couple weeks ago that I respect the audience.

As a comic, I have always respected the audience. I don't know if you guys know what the wall is about. The album The Wall, and I don't like this, but I'm going to tell you anyway, the album The Wall was about Pink Floyd. One of my favorite bands. But it was Roger Waters, Mr. Fulkin personality himself,

who got agitated, and somebody asked him how the audience was or something. Again, don't know. quote me on this and he said these shows would be great if i could build a wall between myself and the audience that was the worst fucking thing i've ever heard come out of somebody's fucking mouth yeah i still listen to pink floyd and i love pink floyd as a whole but i'm not into raja waters because of those words because of his arrogance because of his arrogance because of him breaking up a band because of his fucking arrogance but that's not what this part is

This podcast is about the respect for the audience. I have respect for you guys. What does that mean that I know comics personally who don't give a fuck about the audience? And in the back of my mind, I have to tell myself that to win to fucking, you know, kick some fucking ass. But in reality, I very much care about my audience. I care that you motherfuckers. I cared that you motherfuckers got a babysitter. I care that you paid $80 for fucking a dinner.

I cared that you took the time out to buy tickets when I tweeted. So when I go up there, I got to give you the highest level of fucking respect that there is as a comic. Okay? Always remember that. That this is in the back of my mind. Now, when you pay the $25 bucks to see me do comedy,

there's no meet and greet. I'm not worried about the fucking meat and greed. I'm not worried about anything. I'm worried about the performance. I'm about to give you. When I go up on stage, you know, there's a joke I was working on before I took a break that people in Jersey, when we were kids,

we didn't go out to play. We went out to die. We didn't go out to play. Look at all these fucking things that talking about, class action park, all that shit. When I was a kid, we went out to die. We didn't go out to play. We jumped off trees.

We made milk crates. We put boards up. We went off fucking motorcycles. And if you fell and broke your neck, you fell and broke your fucking neck. Nobody was crying. Nobody was fucking complaining. Nobody was putting the blame on everybody. Timmy put the brick wrong.

No, who gives a fuck? You weren't supposed to be building a fucking ramp and riding your motorcycle off at a KZ 175. The thing's going to fucking break. But my point is, which I don't know what it is anymore, I've gone off on a fucking tangent is that fucking, you know, I respect the audience. That's my number one fucking priority all time, whether the three years or 2,000 of you. I have a certain respect for the audience.

So I remember every bomb, every bad joke, every stupid racist joke that I said, because, hey, I'm normal. I'm like anybody else. I'm not fucking racist. But I have said racist things on stage. to get a laugh. The audience knows I'm not racist.

That's why they laughed. Because it comes back that not what you say is how you say it. I'll give you a fucking particular story about me that destroyed my insides. I really liked this joke and I really wanted it to work, but I didn't know how else to make it work. And it's about Tom Brady. I'm a big fan of Tom Brady. I like Tom Brady. there's a problem I have with Tom Brady,

not really a problem. It's not a problem. I don't want anybody to say Tom, Joey's got a problem with Tom Brady. No, the only burp I have with Tom Brady that I think is funny, to be honest with you,

is that he dumped his pregnant wife to go with a Brazilian chick with a tremendous ass. Now, I'm a Catholic. Don't get me wrong. So is Tom Brady. You know what I'm saying? He's as Catholic as can be.

But to dump, A pregnant woman is something I have never even thought about in my life. It's like me being 15. And that girl telling me that her mother died when she was fucking 10. I'm like, what can you do? What did you do for your mother to fucking die? What can you do in a prior life that your mother fucking died? What can you possibly fucking do?

I never talked to that girl again. Then my mother died. I felt fucking bad because what did I do in a prior fucking life? But what the fuck were we talking? I don't even know. So what the fuck did you do in a prior life to deserve having no fucking mother? You understand me? I mean, I don't understand this.

So when it was first presented to me, my head almost fucking blew up. That's the same way I did when fucking Tom Brady dumped that Catholic girl. So I wanted to write a joke about it. I'm like, what the fuck can I say about Tom Brady for doing this? And I was up in Buffalo one night. Look, I even remember the city. Okay, I remember everything. Don't fucking tell me.

I was in Buffalo. It had to be about 2016. I was opening up for Rogan. And I was talking to Rogan about Tom Brady. I go, fucking Brady, that motherfucker, and then he dumped his fucking pregnant chick. And I go, you know, the crazy thing about that shit, dumping a pregnant shit,

that shit that fucking Spanish people and black people do. That's all I said. That's all I said. And I even claim Spanish people. so it's not really racist to you I even claim Spanish I go that's the kind of shit Spanish people and black people do

and Rogan said say it up on stage dog when I set it up on stage it died of slow death and guess what I never said it again I understood that's a racist fucking joke even if you even if you throw Spanish people under the bus first which you do as a

word smith you put the Spanish first so people won't get the initial shock of the black I didn't say anything else I just said black and Spanish. It didn't fucking work. And I got off stage and I'm like, that's not, at this point in my life, you know, if I was, if it was 2008 and I was still desperado, still young in comedy, yeah, I would have done that fucking joke and kept working on and tried to be cute with it. But at that point, 2016, I already had a daughter.

I had things going on. I'm going to tell that joke for what? What's it going to do for me? I liked it. trust me, I like the fucking joke. That's the problem. I enjoyed it. I thought there was something funny there,

but the audience didn't think it was funny. You know, I took it and I moved on with it. I thought about it. I wrote it out and I read it, and it seemed racist to me. You know, guys, on stage, I've said a thousand things and nothing you can't say to me afterward when I get off. Hey, Joey, that wasn't a good job.

You can't. Because I say it with a smile on my face, which is very important. and the tone in your voice is very important how you say it. Dog, I used to have to follow Ali Wong at the store. Do you have any idea what that's like people? No, you don't. There was two people at the store, three people.

Let's say three people at the store that when I had to follow, I had to kick it into overdrive. Number one, Bill Burr. I mean, he's the fucking greatest. When you follow Bill Burr, you better bring up your A's and Ds, whatever the fuck. You better take all your vitamins, magnesium. them fucking everything.

Chris DeLeah, you better fucking come with some energy with Chris DeLeer. And Ali Wong was possibly the toughest because she's a woman. Okay,

when people go to a stand-up show, all they see is dick constantly. Take your girlfriends to a stand-up show. There's three sets of fucking dick. That's what she's going to see. It's three male comics 85% of the times.

Every once in a while, they might put a woman in there. You know, there's a woman comic on the schedule. But no, I think I'm exactly, I say 70% of the times. It's three dicks. So a woman has to put up with an hour and a half of listening to a male's fucking perspective.

Put a woman in the middle. Now the women will have a great time. That's why I always use Kate Quigley to open for me, a Chelsea Skidmore, or Carmen Morales. I like those women in front of me because it gives the audience and gives the women in the show something. They're not going to go there and get stuck with fucking fat man, Joey Dears for 40, And it's talking about eating your ass and spitting pubic hairs in your eyes and all that shit. They could only take so much of that. So you got to put a woman in there.

Now, let me tell you something. If that woman is funny like Kate was, like Carmen Morales was, like Chelsea Skidmore was, you better watch them. I see a lot of male comics that a woman goes up in front of them and they're like, ah, no problem. I'll just pay attention or I'll just play PlayStation 5, whatever fuck comics do. When a woman goes up before me, guys, I watch that woman. I watch her like she was naked. I watch her like she was fucking naked. Because women are deadly up on stage.

If they get a cyclone going, you're dead. And I've seen it before. I've seen Beaumont Bacon blow people off the fucking stage years ago. There was a comic. There was a fucking dud comic, I remember. No names. He's a fucking, dud this guy.

And I remember one time I was doing shows in San Diego and he was working La Jolla. And I stopped in La Jolla. To say hello to see how the show was going. I wasn't looking for a guest at nothing. I just stopped in. I knew him. I knew Beaumont Bacon.

And I just wanted to say hello. And he came out first and was talking to me and he goes, yeah, I got these two shows. Fucking Beaumont thing. She's got a headline. you know and I looked at him and I sat and listened for like 10 minutes and I tried to let his ego off

as lightly as I can I said dog this is Joey Diaz is thinking I said why don't you let her headline the first show and you headline the second show I'm giving him an out

so he wouldn't need a bag of dicks up on stage because I knew Beaumont Bacon was going to fuck those people up and La Jollaia is always couples. You get to learn these little nuances as you do comedy. Some clubs you go to and it's 60 40. It's male 60, 40 percent females. La Jolla on Saturday is a date club. So if there's 200 people in there, there's 100 women in there. Are you with me here so far? So when I went in there, I just went to talk to him to say hello. He's telling me how he's the best comic in the world that he can follow anybody and I'm trying to let him off the ledge and be

smart and go because even if even if it was me even if it was joey dears I would have let bono bacon open up the first show even though I knew I could follow her I would have let her open up the second show so she wouldn't fucking destroy me the second show because the second show they're a little drunker and the early show of parents and old people and people and people People don't want to hear bad words and shit like that. So you go to the early show. 1030 shows, I'm the king of 1030 shows. That's when guys like me go on stage and I could go up there and talk about eating assholes

and spitting out hemorrhoose and whatever the fuck I talk about. You know, I'm just talking here. I'm just talking here. I mean, so what you do is that's the psychology that I'll go up for the second show and rip them apart. Well, when I pulled him aside like a man and as a friend, I said to him, yo, Let her open up the second show. And you closed the second show. And he's like, not a million years.

Fuck her. I'm going to follow her with no problem. So guess what I did? Against my best wishes, I got a bottle of water. And I said, fuck it. I'm going to miss the Coke dealer at 10.30. But I'm going to get more entertainment from watching him die a slow death. I just knew it.

I just fucking knew it. It doesn't take a genius. And if you don't know it as a comic, Remember last week I was talking to you about checking yourself? This is part of checking yourself. It's not that you're being a coward. It's nothing like that in comedy, is that you're trying to stack the odds in your favor.

That's all I'm trying to do. You want to stack the odds in your favor as a comic, as a human being, as a car salesman, as a guitar player. You always want to, you follow me? So it's like if you think Arrow Smith comes out with Dream on when they open up, where would they go? Where the fuck would they go? They came out with dream on, dream on, dream on.

Well, what we're going to dream on to next? What are we going on tonight? And I'm exaggerating. Errol Smith's got a great catalog. But what I'm trying to say to you is you don't come out with your best fucking material. So I'm sitting there that night. And I just sat there. Listen, for years I always said I can make it home from La Jolla to L.A.

And an hour, 25. People like, you're lying, you're lying. When you're addicted to Coke, you'll make it an hour 25. I would do 100 from La Jolla to the Immigration Center. I would slow down until 90. And then once I went through and they asked you, do you have any oranges of apples? I would say, no, I don't have any oranges of apples.

And they would say, go on through. And I would do 100 to Irvine. And once I got to Irvine, I would slow it down to like 90. And once I saw 18 miles out of L.A., and went back up to 100. And I would get to my fucking drug dealer's house in time. on this particular night. I said, fuck it.

I was going to meet the drug deal like at 10. I called them back. I said, I'll be up that 11.30. I got to watch this massacre. He goes, what are you talking about? I'll tell you when I get there. I sat there and I watched this fucking Beaumont Bacon. Wipe up the floor with this kid.

Wipe up the floor with this kid. And then I did what a good comic would do. Like I tell Mikey, don't talk. Watch. Keep your eye on that comic. I wanted to see how he would react when he came off the stage. That's the money right there. So when he came on, I went up to him, bro, I got to go.

Great set. You know, I knew he ate a bag of dicks. I knew he, you could see it on his face. He was flustered. He didn't know what to do. And he came up to me. I shook his hand. And I didn't say a word.

And he looked at me and he goes, I think you're right. Maybe I'll let Beaumont close the second shot. I tried to tell you. I tried to save you five. I didn't say that to him. I thought about that in the car because I'm not in business

to fucking squash somebody's dreams. I was just trying to work with him from the right spot here. Just explain to him, listen, bro, just... Sometimes it's a comic, sometimes it's a human being, sometimes as anything.

You've got to see things for what the fuck they are. So, with all that said, like, when you do dirty material or whatever. I mean, I love Tony. I have nothing against Tony. This is going to blow over.

This will be gone in six months. Thank God, Ari released the video footage of what happened before and what after. It doesn't sting that much. It doesn't hurt that much. You could just write it off to comedy, cockiness. You know, I've had it. We've all gone through it.

And that's it, but it's not enough to cancel somebody. I mean, I'm not going to lie to it. I have a problem with people putting phones and sex. I would never in my life do that to you, people, when you come to one of my shows. I feel that you have children. I feel that you have grandparents. I feel that you have families.

What if somebody needs you? What if somebody... I think you actually put the phone in a pouch. And if you want to make a call or whatever... I don't know the wrong. rules to everything with the phone in the pouch. I know Dave Chappelle does it a lot. A lot of other comics are starting to do it.

If I go on the road now, I'm going to start to do it. Because I don't need somebody taking a fucking phone out when I'm doing a joke. Because listen, it's like, do you ever see a couple of years ago, they show you how they take reviews and change it? change them. So a movie comes out. Let's say me and Mike are movie reviewers and we write the review of the movie and we write two sentences. The movie took us for a tremendous ride, but it was boring as fuck. What the movie people do is they erase the boring as fuck. And all you see is this was a hell of a thrill ride.

Do you follow I'm saying to you now? So they take that back end off and all you see is this film was a great ride. You're not going to see this film was boring as fuck. I wanted to shoot myself by the end. You're not going to read that.

They eliminate that thing. That's why when Ari put that up, a couple of my friends watched it and they all had the same result. They're like, it doesn't seem like, and don't get me wrong, You know, the word that was used as offensive. Have I used it?

I've used it, you know. Maybe on stage, maybe in daily life or whatever as a joke. But there's no hatred here, you know. I think for Tony, it was, I think if he would have gone up and said, the filthy Puerto Rican, I don't think it would have been as bad because of everything that's going on with Asian hate. So I'm not mad at Tony. I just think it was a bad night,

and I wish people, you know, just get over this. You know, I'm very sorry. I'll apologize for Tony to the Asian community. I don't want you to think I'm bringing light to this at any way. What I'm trying to do is explain what happens when a comic goes on stage. and what you could take from that and how, you know, it's a fucking comedy show.

You know, we have the freedom of speech in this country. That's what makes this country special. I know when you go to other fucking countries and shit like that, there's things you can't talk about on stage. I think Hari told me, like, when he went to China and somewhere else, they limit your stuff. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. this is the United States of fucking America

you could say whatever they want let me take you something else as a comic if you come up to me and tell me not to say something I'm going to go up there and say it I'm going to go up there and say it that's where the respect factor comes from that's where I gain respect

as a human being for myself and from my fellow comedians I'm not talking about going up there and saying Again, I'll give an example One of my favorite all-time comics, Bill Hicks He was performing in Denver And Kevin Fitzgerald, Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald The vet was on, was doing comedy.

I don't know if you guys know Kevin Fitzgerald From the Animal Channel Animal Planet He had a show on there where he saved cats and shit Kevin Fitzgerald, I spoke about him on the church is one of the most interesting men in the world. I think Rogan had him on the podcast. He went to Vietnam. He was a fucking bodyguard for the fucking stones.

He was a bodyguard for fucking, you know, just bands and shit. Got the GI Bill, put himself through fucking college and became a fucking vet. And then while he was a vet, he did fucking comedy. But let me tell you something about Kevin Fitzgerald. He's a mild man of dude. He's got white hair. He's a gentleman. Kevin Fitzgerald will love.

light your motherfucking ass up. And if you ever watch, go look him up on YouTube right now. He's working on a cat, or he's saving a dog's ear or something like that. And you see the compassion of God. Don't get confused with Kevin Fitzgerald. Kevin Fitzgerald will take an eye to go,

and he'll send it back to you in the fucking mail on fire. Kevin Fitzgerald is no joke, bro. One night Kevin Fitzgerald's at the fucking comedy works in Denver, and he's opening up for Bill Hicks. And he said that, joke about, he took, you know, there used to be a show on the commercial, this is your mind, this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs, and he did some, I don't remember the joke,

so I'm not going to give it any justice or by repeating it. Kevin went up there and said the joke when he got off, he said that Bill Hicks' bodyguard walked over to him and told him not to do the joke again, that Mr. Hicks talks about marijuana in his routine. So, Kevin Fitzgerald said, I got an option. I got to make a decision here. This is Bill Hicks,

the greatest comic of all fucking time. One of the top fucking three in my fucking book. And he just gave you a direct order to not say a fucking joke. I mean, what do you do? What do you think Kevin Fitzgerald did? He went back up there and did the joke.

And he did the joke, to be honest with you, from Kevin's mouth Kevin told me that he did the joke to fucking incite the fucking security guy because he wanted to Hicks is a security guy to say something to him he was going to knock him to fuck out because he remembered the guy from the old days

when the guy would work consciously and he'd do really mean things to kids so Kevin went up there to do the joke so the guy would say something to him so Kevin could rip his fucking ear off guess what happened Kevin got off the stage he did the joke Bill Hicks walked up to him and said

that's what a real comic does. You just became my fucking opener. You're traveling with me from now on. Do you understand? I'm trying to say to you? You all watched fucking fresh out of Compton, whatever the fuck, the name of the movie.

Straight out of Compton, fresh out of Compton, something out of Compton. Yeah, Fresh Prince out of Compton. You all watched straight out of Compton. There's a part where they go to Detroit and the cops give them a fucking earbeat. And again, you know, I have nothing but appreciating.

and love for the fucking men in blue. Blue Lives Matter in my fucking world. I dig the cops. I was with a detective today. All weekend. They spent time with a detective that my daughter's softball game, his son plays,

so they come to the fucking games. We go to their game, so we went after dinner. I got nothing against cops. What are we talking about Blue Lives Matter, whatever the fuck? And I'm not even smoking pot. Did you imagine if I was fucking smoking pot?

I wouldn't remember fucking shit. But in straight out of Compton, The cops give them a fucking earbeat before they get on stage. And they're like, listen, when you get up there, don't, if you say fuck the police, we're going to fucking, they're going to stop the show.

That they fucking go up there and listen? No. Because as artists, we're not going to listen. Listen, that's what being an artist is. If not, we'd get in line and do what everybody else did. We'd get in line and do what everybody else did. so but still that still doesn't justify what happened last week on stage but what i'm trying to say to you people is don't put too much of your mind into it because it's not even fucking worth it

it's just a joke and i'm sure tony's apologetic to the kid who he said it to and he's apologetic to the asian community it's a fucking joke guys you know we're living in a time right now where it's rough. People are having a rough fucking time. But if you're going to give people that are trying to bring you entertainment a rough time for making a mistake, it's not going to work out somewhere.

It's not going to work out somewhere. This could have been with a band. This could have been with a magician. This could have happened with anybody. Anybody could have said something bad. You know what I'm saying? I know I go on stage sometimes. And like I said, I remember everything

bad that I've said in my fucking 30 year career. I could tell you the cities I said I'm at, I could tell you how I felt afterward, and I could tell you if I'm going to do that joke again or not, and I used one particular joke for you people. And I did say it on stage, and how somebody didn't tape me and put it on YouTube and try to fucking hang me at the cross is beyond them,

and it's because it's not what you say. It's how you say it. This is the comedy business. I'm going to say a lot of, this shit that you people don't agree with. But I'm not a fucking physical therapy. I'm not a psycho, whatever. I didn't go to Yale.

You know, I'm not Tom Morello. I'm not a double major and whatever. So I keep it to the world that I know. And it's stand-up comedy and humanity and how to treat people and how to fucking be with people. I don't try to be something that I'm fucking not here. But you can't get mad at everybody's fucking stupid fuck. You have to pick your battles.

you know am I mad at Tony not at all as a brother as another comic as another I'm not disappointed in the audience

I'm not disappointed in anybody it was just a bad night guys that's it that's where it fucking ends now on the brightest side let's talk about no more jokes or whatever the fuck

this week I released an NFT on Patreon I Listen guys Like I said There's been so much doom and gloom In the last 14 fucking months That if I could light myself on fire

For you people to entertain you And there wouldn't be no Fucking fucked up skin And I have to come out here with my fucked up eyeballs And say I had a good time entertaining you people I let myself on fire I would If you know anything about me

I would do anything To change your mood I live to make somebody's day, to look at somebody, whether it's given a dollar, a smile, something to get them away from whatever the fuck is pulling them down in their life. That's what life is all about for me. When somebody's fucking, like, confused,

you hit them with a stupid joke and you bring a smile to their face, and for fucking five seconds, you took them away from their miserable fucking, whatever the fuck was going on. you know Friday I had a fucked up day I had to go to a doctor and I had a guitar lesson

with Rudy Sazo and guess what happened I went to the fucking doctor and I was running late as it was the doctor was running an hour behind and then fucking my insurance stuff didn't fucking go through with the doctor and I had to call SAG for 45 fucking minutes I was on hold with SAG

and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I got a little bit agitated my agitation was because I was blowing I was Rudy was taking time out of his busy day to just work with me for 30 minutes and I couldn't make it from freehold home you know in time and then when I got downstairs in the fucking car my tire was low and you know what

and at the gas station when I was filling up the tire like I was like fuck this sucks I had a text Rudy but I said in a large context nothing happened he was running late that was an accident my insurance was fucked up it was a clerical accident the tire went low it's an accident it's something that happens that does not qualify a bad day that does not qualify a bad day my cat getting hit by a fucking car that's a bad fucking day i love that fucking cat any of my cats you know, Mike's dog getting hit by a fuck.

That's a bad day. So I also want you to think about your bad days, and you guys got to toughen up your skin a little bit. You know, I realize that the other day, I'm like, this ain't a bad day. This is life. These are things that happen. Your mother dying, my friends,

Mike Runny and his sisters and their mother dying, that's a bad day. That's a bad fucking year. That's a bad year and it accelerates on Mother's Day in the fucking holidays. That's bad. I'm here to change that. I hope that when I do this podcast,

just to joke about the hammeroid and you giggled, that just took you away from stuff. So for the last year, from last July, all I've been trying to do is to get you guys out of a funkier mood, something different. You know, I started this Patreon. You know, we help people.

We give out a little fucking loan. We help people. Nobody has to ask for nothing around me. The first thing we did was send out T-shirts. I didn't like it. I didn't like it. Anybody could give you a fucking T-shirt. I tried to make it light blue.

I tried to give you a nice insignia. And then, you know, I said, fuck it. For the next round of stuff, I'll do mugs. You know, I'll do mugs. That's great. A coffee mug. Everybody needs a coffee mug, right? It's the mind of Joey Dias coffee mug.

You guys, I think I get them in June. I'll send them out to Patreon. But then this guy contacted me with this NFT, you know, the Florentine crime family, brother Bob, that's all he talks to me about, is Bitcoin and NFTs, and I'm watching what this NFT thing is, you know, I think Death Row did some,

a couple other people did some. So I said it's something fucking different. When they contacted me, they were talking about these prices, and I go, no. Again, I don't want to make them high and their ticket price. So I kept them at $25 fucking

and I couldn't give them to you because it came from a certain company and like I bought one. I would have liked to buy 10 and gave one to Mike and gave one to Lee and gave one to my daughter and gave one to a... I couldn't buy it.

I didn't even know how to do it. It went to a different fucking wallet. My wife had to pin it and save it. Thank God they send you an email so you have whatever the transaction. but I had to wait to the next day for Bob to come over and teach me about wallets and all that fucking shit

anyway the reason why I did the NFT was just as something different I didn't see any other comics doing it and I wanted to bring you like a little trading card. Tops reached out about a year ago and they wanted to do a trading card thing through Steve

Simone and I thought about it and I'm like I don't know if I want to send a little fucking card to Patreon they paid me 10 bucks I'm going to send them a fucking baseball card. I want to give you something that, you know, and when I heard about it,

it was investment opportunities and shit like that, I said, fuck it, what's the worst thing that could happen? I charge 25 bucks. Trust me, I don't get the full 25 bucks. They had to set that thing up, the company takes money,

and my agent takes a fucking commission. Then, guys, it's just, I live my life through eight or nine different little faucets, and together, that's how I make my money. But all those faucets don't make you much money. Alone, they don't make you much money.

When I put it together with eight faucets, then I could eat a fucking nice steak. But alone, you guy goes, Jerry, what are you doing that for? But that's not the point. I wanted you guys to have something different. And I wanted you guys into $25 investment. I know you, motherfuckers. One guy on Patreon, I can't believe.

People are broke and you're doing this. No, they're not. No, they're not. Nobody's even fucking working. Nobody's even wants to go back to work. All you motherfuckers are getting that extra. to 300, 600, I don't know what, you get. Some states are cutting it.

Georgia, a couple of states of cutting it because nobody's going to fucking work. But instead of blowing your money on alcohol, drugs, fucking weed all summer, stupid shit, get an NFT for 25 fucking bucks. I turned around. People were selling them for 3 grand, 2 grand, 12 grand. Some guy sent me an email.

Joey, I made some money. I want to send you money. I go, no, I don't want your money. That's yours. This is for the guys that signed up in the beginning and they paid $15 a month and they paid $6 month at $105. I just made them their money back to pay Joey.

Whether they want to sign up again with me or not, I don't give a fuck. Listen, they did what they had to do. I made them a little money. If they want to sell the cards, they sell the cards. If they want to keep them, they keep them, it's up to you.

I don't really give a fuck. I did it so you guys could, and I'm going to do them every month on Patreon. I'm going to run them every fucking month. And I'm going to keep them at $25. And if you guys want to buy them and sell them for fucking $5,000, dollars, God bless you.

I'm never going to knock on your door and go, you're a fucking scumbag. No, you paid attention. You backed fucking Joey up. And I'm like, fucking, uh, what's his name? I make money for my partners. That's the way I am. That's what I do. I want to make money for you guys.

I want to help you the way you fucking help me. So when I did the NFT, there was some guy, oh, if I don't know what they are, nobody knows what the fuck they are. You want me to sit here and break down blockchain technology to you and how it works. We don't have the time. know that I know a motherfucker that put $50,000 in a Bitcoin account and now he's getting his dick suck and he's jumping up and down and he's got a chick that just walks around with him to fan him. So do you have a chick that fans you? No. Do I know? I think it's time to get in on the

Bitcoin because if not, I'll just hire some chick to stand right here with a bikini and fan me all day. That's fucking success. You know what I'm saying? Any idiot can have a fucking Tesla. Ha ha ha ha, look at me. I can plug it in my car. Go fucking. Fuck yourself. You want to impress me? Show up with a fucking guy with a rickshaw. Dead? You know what I'm saying? Like, I just got out here from California. I got a guy with a rickshaw and he's fucking dying

and his feeder down to the fucking bone and show up with a chick that fucking fanger. When I did the longest shard, Adam Sandler hired umbrella chicks for us. Fuck you, cuckers. They were all strippers from Albuquerque. We would be on the field. They would have their clothes on and shit. I don't want you to

think it was a fucking Epstein's fucking castle. This was fucking... They would stand next to you because they didn't want your son, your face to get a sun tan and change colors throughout the movie. So they had umbrella girls.

When Adam Sandler got me an umbrella girl, who's better than Adam Sandler? Nobody, you understand me? That's fucking style. That's class. That's fucking what it's all about. Any fucking asshole could take a private jet. Let me see you with some fucking girl

just blowing a fucking, like one of those fans. next to you. That's fucking success. Take that to the bank, Cuckuckers. It's Monday, the 17th of the month. I love you,

motherfuckers. Thank you very much for watching. Thank you very much for supporting. If you're on Patreon and you got an NFT, I love you, motherfuckers.

I hope you make money. I hope you sell it. I hope you fucking make your friends tell you you're an asshole for buying it from Joey Diaz and you turn around and make $1,500 good for you.

I love you, motherfucker. We'll be back Wednesday. Tip Top McGoo. Ready to go. I'm my... On my 19th month back in Jersey. I could have had a baby by now.

It would have been nine months. So it's nine months on Wednesday. I'm happy that I left. And I'm happy I got to do the podcast with you guys today and talk to you motherfuckers about comedy, fucking etiquette. Your feelings getting ruined. And NFTs and all the other bullshit in my life.

I love you guys. Have a great week. And now for a motherfucking word from my sponsors. All right. Thank you very much for listening today. It was a weird type of podcast, but I enjoy these creepy ones. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, the join is brought to you by Blue Blocks. Listen, a couple weeks ago, I did a video with the Blue Blocks amazing sleep mask.

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and you get 20% off your order. I want to thank Blue Blocks. I want to thank CBD Line, but most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for being fucking savages and for supporting the church, the joint.

I'm getting confused myself now. I love you guys. Have a great week, and I'll see you guys. Tip Top Magoo Wednesday morning. I love you. Stay black. Have a great week.