The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #067 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Monday, May 24th..... This episode is brought to you by Manscaped..... Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY and enter PROMO CODE: JOEY for 20% Off & Free Worldwide Shipping..... And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Co-Hosted & Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on: Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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it's time for the show it's just manscape today I thought it was important what's happened you bad motherfuckers Uncle Joey here it's Monday the 24th that's it

Memorial Day weekend coming up you motherfuckers are excited I'm gonna go to the beach during the week because I know won't be able to go down there next weekend. See, on the fucking weekends,

especially this year, people aren't going to fucking travel. So, like, I've been hearing reports about people paying for houses down the shore amounts that are fucking, you know, rental properties. Like Jim Florentine on his block has a lady, three kids. She said the offer they made her on her house for June would take care of her for the summer. So she fucking rented it out. You know, people doing that.

People don't want to fucking get on. planes and they just want to stay local. But this week I want to talk to you about something because we've all, all of us, half of years that are watching this or listening at home have experienced this. At one point or another in your life, you've gotten a job and you've gone in there enthusiastically. You really wanted to make this work. And after a few weeks of being there, you get to meet people, you get to see different people, what they're doing and you realize that the guy that's above you is a fucking dick.

I'm not mean like a dick. Like he just has like a different attitude to what you are thinking this job is. And your first reaction is my first reaction. We'll quit. We'll quit. That's it. We'll quit. I'm looking for another fucking job.

I don't need a guy I'm working with to be a dick or a boss of mine to be a dick. We've all gotten through this. But in time, you fucking, you know, you could either do what Joey Diaz did for years and quit or get to know what makes this person tick, you know. When I was younger, I had no disrespect. I had no respect. And I didn't, a job to me was something I did just to make money. I didn't really give a fuck about you. I didn't give a fuck about your time clock.

I didn't give a fuck if your business burned it was bad enough that I had to be here you know what I'm saying that shitty young attitude you get when you're young

he's just bad enough I gotta be here now I got to deal with this guy he's 10 maybe 15 years older than you and he's kind of a dick but you don't understand the dick that he is it's not like he calls you names

or Joe you're a fat fuck you're lazy I'm not lazy I've always worked hard it's just he had this air of attitude to him and it takes a while and one day, you know, maybe eight months in when you are ready to quit and you want to pussy out like you do on everything, like me, you know, something happens. The switch goes off and you say, you know what, if I can't beat him, I join them.

And something happens. And next thing you know, on a level of your performance as an employee, you take it from one level. to the next because this guy kind of took you under his wing, but not really, and he was brutally honest with you. But we, and when I say you, I'm including myself, Joey in this, we were too fucking jerk-offish to understand what that person was actually trying to do to me. And I've had, I mean, 10 situations when I worked with Aspen Electric, the guy was a dick to me at first.

and next thing you know, I'm doing houses by myself. He's trusting me to wire houses by myself. I'm doing comedy. I'm doing comedy. I'm doing electric three months, and I'm already a residential wyaman. He's letting me do this. Even though I had a problem with this,

yes, I had a problem with the main supervisor who I ended up beating up with a stick and he had to leave town. That's a complete different story. That was practice for something else I was doing. But the guy I was banging heads with taught me how to be a fucking electrician. like he took me and he this is how it needs to be done and you got to cut it this way even though you don't like it you know sometimes we let our own laziness and our own kind of thing get into listen it's done it there's a right way and there's a wrong way to doing it you could do it the wrong way and you're going to have to go back or you could do it the right way okay so it happened to me with economics when i was going to the university of colorado i could not put economics together

I applied for a tutor because I got two free hours a week per class for tutoring being part of the COOD, whatever it was, C-U-O-P program, which is basically if you're a Latino or minority, you go in there, you breathe and they give you a C-plus, which does nothing for the minority either. But I did it because they gave me money or whatever. But I applied for this tutor and his name. You ready?

His name was Muhammad Zabib. When I got the fucking note that, you know, Muhammad Zabib, now I had really never had contact with somebody from Arab or whatever he was from Egypt, whatever. All I knew was his name was Muhammad Zabib, and I felt uncomfortable. You know, it's 19, fucking 87 guys. You know, give me a fucking break. I'm 27 years old or something.

I'm a fucking idiot. 24, something like that. I'm a fucking idiot. and I get this guy to help me and the first six fucking things it just didn't work out for me with him like I didn't really think I liked him

whatever I wasn't prejudiced I just didn't know where he was coming from and guess what I got a fucking bee on my test and I fucking suck the guy's dick you know what I'm saying I didn't suck his dick but I got a B I was getting fucking C's

and all of a sudden this guy gets me a B fucking plus with his help and his kindness I think it was macroeconomics. I don't remember. It was just a class I was having problems with. And he lifted me. And after that, I would eat lunch with him.

We would meet once a week. I applied for him to be like my fucking, my like whatever attache, whatever at the school, because they wanted you to have another minority to show you around. I said I wanted him. And, you know, it's just the way it is in life that we go into something sometimes.

And we don't know. And we feel like quitting or this isn't for me or we feel like giving up. And, you know, there's always that one person in your life. And I've been fortunate enough to have 50 of those people in my life. That's why I'm here. When I went to sell cars, I fucking didn't like it. There's a guy Jim Handy. You know, everything happens for a reason.

Jim Handy sat me down. He goes, what's the problem? I finally, you know, overcame my bullshit and I let him know what was going on. He goes, all right, we're going to start simple. We're going to start with how many cars do you want to sell a month? I want to sell 10 cars a month. Okay, how do you need to do that? You need to talk to four people a day.

You need to send letters. You need to make calls, you know? And even though I didn't like this program, guess what? When I started doing this program, I became successful. I went from, you know, being an average car salesman to being a monster fucking car salesman and retaining gross and adding value to the product that was selling. I learned so much from him. So I never really didn't like Jim.

I just thought he was unconventional to me. And that's what we think when we see somebody successful that's doing something the right way. And we're doing something half-assed. We never want somebody to tell us that we're spinning our wheels or doing something half-ass. God forbid. God forbid somebody come up to you and go, hey, you're spinning your wheels. People like me can never come up to you and say you're spinning your wheels. I'm sure a lot of you people think,

maybe Joey's spinning his fucking wheels. No, I'm not. Trust me what I'm telling you. I spanned my wheels for fucking years. Then I got into comedy. Comedy was a complete different fucking day. When I got into comedy in February 1st of 1991, I went in there as a doorman.

I kept my mouth shut and I watched. I spoke when I was spoken to. And my opinion didn't mean dick. and I knew that going in. I knew nothing about comedy. I took a three hour, a stand-up comedy class, and I fucking was a doorman.

If the comic would talk to me, you know, hey, I want to come out to this song or whatever, we would become friendly, and they would ask questions, and I'd say, yeah, I'm aspiring to be a comic. Is there any advice you could give me? And, you know, 50% of them made stupid, fucking comments to me

20% were like good good luck guy and the other 30 were kind of helpful which is really nice but that's what you have out there that's what you have out there helping you that's why you never know what direction to go to you know and I'm sure it's the same thing with fucking musicians you know you show up to your first open mic

there's going to be a guy that says you suck you don't want he's going to give you all the reasons why you don't want to get into the music business because he didn't do it right because he didn't do it right he's going to tell you he's going to come and shit on your fucking hat and tell you why not to do it. So, you know, I had Jim Handy and then I got into stand-up comedy.

And the first guy that spoke to me in stand-up comedy was a cat named Jimmy and Bay, a little Mexican dude still out there just opened up with Carlos a couple nights ago and Pueblo, you know, him and I were neck and neck. He got me into the game. He fucking took me to different shows. He forced me to go up on stage. I mean, he did a lot of things. I'm very thankful for Jimmy till today.

I still talk to him on a weekly, you know, buy fucking monthly thing. But he was one of my first mentors in comedy. Then I had Andy Payton who helped me. When I say mentors, I don't want you guys to think, you know, what really bothered me about my last couple of years in L.A. doing the podcast was people thought I could save their live. like I could change their lives.

If I come on your podcast, I could sell more tickets. If I go on Rogan's podcast, I'll be an international star. No, you won't. I got bad news for you. No, you won't. It's everything that you're doing around the Joey Dears or the Joe Rogan or the Mark Marron or the Bill Burr podcast that's making it work. I don't want you to ever think that you're sitting at home jerking off,

talking shit on the phone. you're going to stroll over, do a podcast, and your life is going to change. If that's what you really think, you know, get out of this fucking business. Get out of his business. Get out of every fucking business. Because you're wrong.

You take people and you learn from them. And you don't ask. You don't ask. You know, it's not like you ask. So my first real mentor in stand-up was a guy named Todd Jordan, who had a conversation with Friday and had a great conversation.

He didn't even know I had moved to Jersey. and then he sent me an email after the conversation. He goes, I'm really proud of what you did. He goes, you were a good friend to yourself. You got out of L.A., and now you want to raise your family. He goes, I saw the video you put up of your daughter in softball. He goes, for some reason I thought it was California, but now it made me like you even more because you didn't get caught up in the bullshit.

I go, no. When it was over, it was time to go. But he was my first mentor in the game. And along the way, then I went on triple runs and stuff like that. that and they were all negative headliners. They're talking you out of fucking not doing comedy and telling you why it sucked

and why the game sucks and how Mitzie sucks and this one sucks. You know, they're just negative people. I didn't listen. I just thought that I knew there was something else out there and in my mind at that time I thought I was going to offer something

different. You know, that's all I want to do was offer something different. I get to Seattle You know, and I meet Josh Wolf and I meet Brody and I meet Doug Stanhope and I meet Mitch Headberg. And again, I didn't look at them as mentors. I looked at them as colleagues. There was no jealousy. There was nothing involved.

We just ended up doing comedy. I did have a mentor up there. His name was Carl Wormonhoven. He ran the open mic on Mondays and Tuesdays. And when you got off stage, he would never critique you. He would say things to you to make your act better. Do you understand me? So that's something a lot of people cannot handle

is for somebody to tell you how to make your life better. Again, we're going back to your job. That job that you have at the printing place, when you're cutting, fuck and whatever, and the guy comes over and he goes, one thing, you're doing it great, but can you do a little, and all of a sudden you take an attitude. In our minds, we're like,

I was doing it right, the first time you didn't it. Trust me. He said that to you for a reason. He's not saying that to you to bust your balls or whatever. You know when somebody's fucking with you. But you know when somebody's trying

to tell you something to make you better. There's a big fucking difference. It's a big fucking difference. Okay. So up in Seattle, I had Carl Womanhoeven, who was great? He was great to me. He was great to Josh Wolf.

If you talk to Josh Wolf, they fucking Brody, we do a seance for Brody. from the fucking past. I'm thinking of doing a seance from Brody, just to hear a weekie board. Positiveness, whatever the fuck he used to say.

And you asked Brody from the death, he'll tell you, none of us would have got to L.A. without Carl Wormonhoven. He just made little adjustments. And then what he did was he brought his best friend, Rick Dookerman,

who would come in another fucking tremendous comic and a tremendous individual to come in and tweak us from time to time and talk to us about LA. So when I moved to LA, my mentor right there was Rick Doekerman.

I called Rick every three or four days. His wife would help me with fucking questions I had about the business. I was just still getting started. I really had nobody to fucking bounce off. I didn't know Rogan. I didn't know anybody. Once I became a regular at the store, then I met Joe Rogan. And at first it was, you know, he didn't smoke pot at then.

He was on news radio. he was very rough, you know, and tumble. He saw something in me, and we became friends. We would walk the pink dot and get sandwiches. And one day I asked him out right, if I could come and watch the taping of news radio. He gave me his number, and he goes, call me. I called him.

He called me right back. I was living in the valley. I remember I went to see news radio, and I was blown away, and the rest was history. But at that time, the comedy store, it wasn't the best times of the comedy store. When I arrived to the comedy store in February of 97, it wasn't a good time up there.

They weren't selling seats. It was a ship run by the inmates. There was no management. There was nothing. Mitzi Shaw was there. She'd come down once or twice a week. One of my all-time favorite talent coordinators of all-time. Scott Day was there.

He was very good to me, very honest with me. And I started doing spots at the store. I'm doing spots at the store. I'm doing spots at the store. You know, you get to the store and you think that you're hot shit. And all of a sudden your first spot is at 12.45 at night. And is that a beating on your fucking ego? But you do what you need to do and you fucking move on with it.

Okay. This went on for maybe four or five fucking months, 1245, 1 a.m. Then you move up to 1230. Okay. oh shit I'm making things happen I'm at 1230 now you know what I'm saying

and then goes a couple couple months and I go up to 1215 now I'm making fucking progress but there was only a problem that the man that went up at 12 o'clock every night I did not know

he was even at the store when I was living in Seattle in 1995 I had already watched all the Rodney specials. I had watched Delirious back and forth. I studied it. I studied Andrew Dice Clay. I studied the day that comedy died.

I mean, I just, I was a fucking student of the game. Okay, you know, sort of now with the guitar. You know, every night I come in here, I do my little practicing that my coach gives me, and then I'll put an hour of mine, and it'll be a disaster. but at least I'm learning different sounds and whatever, you know, and that's the most important thing, you know. And I knew this, I knew this. I wanted to be a comic more than anything in the world.

I didn't want to be a comedian. I didn't want to be a criminal anymore. I didn't want to be an addict. I really, really thought the comedy would fucking save me. So when Mitchie Shaw made me a regular, I did everything I could to be there, learn. and fucking absorb. And just to, I was such,

I was so grateful that she made me a regular, I cannot describe to you how I wanted to repay her. It was like my mother, how my mother wanted, my mother wanted to repay this country for taking her

by throwing me into the army. My mother was willing to throw me into war to pay back her debt to the United States of America for taking her, taking her in after that shit went down in Cuba. That was her state of mind. At the time, my state of mind was Mitsy Shore let me in here.

I have to fucking do something with this. I cannot go back to Colorado, a loser. I cannot go back to Jersey, a loser. I'm going to give it everything I can. But then I bumped into a guy by the name of Dom Herrera. And Dom Herrera was a fucking star. Marrera was a fucking natural Philly comic, you know,

and I learned of him watching the Rodney Dangerfield specials, and I loved him, and I, I'll never forget that one night I had to follow Don Herrera in the main room. And I got down there early, I watched him, I went up to him afterward, how are you doing, before he went up, how are you doing Mr. Arara?

I'm going up after you, and he gave me like a look. How any comic would? That's just the way comics are. It's a psychological thing. He looked at me, uh, yeah, whatever, a kid, whatever. What's your name? Joe D is a, that's what we need, another Spanish person in comedy, you know what I'm saying?

We don't have enough Paul Rodriguez. It's whatever. They just make little fucking jokes, you know? So I followed fucking him. I went up there. Was I cocky? Not really. I just, I ate a bag of dicks.

You know? And he sat back there and loved every minute of it. And the following Saturday, I went up there again and I ate another bag of dicks. And then I went and I did the biggest mistake a man could do. I went and complained to Mitzie. I didn't complain. I'm not a pussy like some people. I went and told Mitzie the truth that I was having a hard time following Dom Herrera.

It was making me feel uncomfortable and I was ruining the audience and I was walking the audience. I went up there and was honest with her, even though when she goes to me, good. I'll put you back up there again next week. And the week after that, come back and tell me when you're having a good time. But until then, you're going to follow Don Myrara to the debt. I was like, fuck. You don't know what it's like to get in your car.

And to fucking, how would you like it if I called you up and said, hey, I'm coming over to pick you up. We're going to shoot you today. You know what I'm saying? But better yet, you have to drive yourself. Like, we're not even sending an Uber for you. You're going to have to drive yourself to come to my house. I'm going to put you in the back.

I'm going to give you a last request, a cigarette, and I'm going to shoot you in the fucking head. How's that seem? You know, that's what it got to be like on Saturday night. I would drive down there just shaking my head like I'm going to follow Dom Herrera. But that was Saturday nights. Okay. Something started happening during the week.

Now, during the week you had Andrew who came in, and you had Eddie Griffin who came in. And, you know, I learned a lot from Eddie, and I learned a lot from watching Andrew. I mean, they were both geniuses in their own way. I'm still fans and friends with both of them. When I was in Seattle, I can't remember what the comic's name was, and this is why I'm hesitant to tell the story,

because I do not remember his name. He was African American. It's going to come to me. And we got a gig together one night. And I got in the car. He was listening to an African-American comic. And, you know, we got in the car, how are you doing? What's up?

This is going to be great. We're going to Yakima, Washington, the Palm Springs of, you know, Washington. It was like a three-hour drive. I'm not sure. And it was me and Clint, and we smoked a joint. And that was his name, Clint, I think. Popped right back in. Me and him smoked the joint.

He was the headliner. I was the feature, and we were giggling at this fucking guy. And I just played the best. bit for Mike when he came here, the album was called Race. And the guy had the cassette, I think, with a

CD. And the CD was a black guy with a gun in his hand with two racers on positions, getting ready to run. I laughed at that alone. And he was talking about white people and what white people do and scissors hands

and fucking that a white man can't jump they don't need till they own the team he goes right now there's a black guy there's a white guy in the bank going man I got niggers jumping up and down for me you know like this no disrespect

anybody I'm just saying what the man said on the album and you know you just laugh your fucking ass off at this shit and it's like it was like reverse racism in a way he was just goofing on white people you know so I listened to the

album, I asked them what the name it was, where I could get it. And Dog, I bought that fucking album, and I listened to that motherfucker every day. I knew it backwards and fucking forwards, and I laughed. It was the first album that took me away from the day the laughter died, I think. You got to remind you got to refresh me. There's been a lot of drugs, a lot of trauma, a lot of heartache. You got to, so it was the first album, like, you know, like he gets stuck to listen to Led Zeppelin, two leads up on two leads up on two.

Even though all your friends are telling you, slip knot is great. Fucking this band is great. You're like, fuck it, I'm going to stick it out with leds up on two, leads up on two. And all of a sudden I don't know where one day you put the Beach Brothers on. You know, what's those guys? Round, round, turn around.

I turn around, yeah. Yeah, all that shit. So you went from that extreme, even though your friends are telling you to listen to Slipknot and everything, you turned around and went to fucking this other band. But anyway, so I take this fucking CD. and I listen to it on every road trip. I think he covers the OJ trial in there.

He covers the beginning of the OJ trial. I'm going to listen to it again this week. Remember I had to do a lot of shit this week so I didn't really get a chance to process it. So now I had a new problem. Saturday nights I had to follow Dom Marrera, which was death. And now Fridays, Monday through Thursday, I had another dilemma.

I had a follow. So, wait a second. So I'm into race. I'm into this album race. I don't know if I had access to the internet then, but I hunted down who this guy, Paul Mooney was, hunting him down. He was a writer for Pryor.

He helped Pryor write live on the Sunset Strip, blah, blah, blah. The credits went on and on. He was Homey the Clown. He wrote the sketches for a living color. He wrote for the Richard Pryor show. the original one in the 70s, and just all this shit.

But wait a second, you're a writer, and you put this fucking CD out. This is fucking just great, you know? I remember the first night I walked into the comedy store. It was a Monday night. The first person I saw was Don Barris. And I asked him if I could go up and he goes to come back a little later.

He didn't know who I was. I dropped a couple names. And to the reason why I'm still a sweetheart to Don Barris was why he put me on stage. that night. The first night I got there January 27th on the store. When I was sitting there after I got a soda, the second person I saw was Wheels Perisi who opened up for dice for years. And the third person I saw was Eddie Griffin was there. He was about to go up on stage and he was hanging out with the show Gun of Harlem. I don't know if you guys ever saw that movie. The guy's name is like Poutak or Tupac

or something like that. He was in the audience. There was only like eight people in the audience. And I sat there and I was blown away by Eddie Griffin. I was blown away by all the comics I saw. And then at the end of the night, Don Barris put me up on stage. And it was great. You know, weeks later, I became a regular. And I think it was a month. And, you know, I started seeing Gary Shanling.

I started seeing Sarah Silverman. I started seeing Bill Maher. I started seeing, you know, I would go up there with Dun &, Stanhope at the time just to give me a little bit of confidence so people wouldn't fuck with me. I'm not going to lie to you. At that time, nobody was fucking with Dirty Doug. And I had his back. So if he did fuck with Dirty Doug, it was going to be an ugly situation.

I was still raw. I still had my leather jacket, you know, not Bueno. And, you know, Doug was on the road, and I started going down there by myself. And I was a big boy. And one night, I looked and there was this. guy that was holding the gun at that cover and it was Paul Mooney in the flesh. If you guys think I salivated all over myself, I didn't. I contained my composure and he was on at midnight and I was on at 1215.

I wasn't scared. I didn't think about it. I did what any other young comic would do and they're supposed to do. You're supposed to watch the guy that goes up ahead of you. and that's exactly what I did I went in the green room I sat in Missy's chair in those days

there weren't no 80 people at midnight there was basically 14 people there and six were there eight of them were there to watch Paul Mooney they were his friends or whatever he didn't do 15 minutes

he went up there and did a fucking hour so I fucking you know I'm like what the fuck I didn't say nothing to him I'm a young comic he obviously He's got juice.

He knows Richard Pryor and he did all those things. I took my lumps. And not only that, when he gets off the stage, hey, people get up with him. Now I'm down to six. So I got to go up on stage and entertain six fucking people. Whoopty-do. That's your comedy career.

That's why you moved out to L.A.? That's why. So think about these things, guys. These are the things you got to think about. That, yeah, I'm going to L.A. No, it's not. Six people. Six people.

What happened to the people from ABC? What happened to the people from NBC there? What happened to the people from fucking whatever records, Rhino records, that were going to be there? There was nobody there. You know, your dream of somebody's going to see you. I was up there on stage for six people. And every night I would leave their fucking more and more depressed.

And I remember one, I actually went up to Brian Holschman. And I'm like, this sucks. And he goes, dog. just saw you destroy six people. What do you mean? This sucks. I've been doing this for a year, following fucking Mooney or six months at the time.

This sucks. Well, I'm not getting anywhere. He's like, you're following a legend. You're getting to watch this guy. And then you're going up there. Yeah, but I can't even try my new jokes. Because there's six people. Again,

you learn how to fucking, what's a quarterback? do at the line of scrimmage when he changes the player you got to call an audible in your life sometimes you got to call an audible i i sat there i'm not going to lie to you guys i could sit here and tell you a bunch of fucking oh i sat back there for three months and actually hated on him because he would make me fucking do this every night for fucking uh you know six months you know what that's like when you have a fucking dream and somebody's in the way you're fucking dream every and he goes up there.

But so finally, something, something brought back the old Joe Diaz. And I go, you know what? If I can't beat him, I'm going to join this motherfucker. One thing I did notice in those three months, which was that he was a tremendous comedian, a tremendous comedian. And if you sit here and make me go, Joey, described to me how he was a tremendous comedian. He had no fear.

He tackled subjects. You know, he would go on stage and go nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger. He goes, I love saying the word nigger. It makes my teeth white. You know, he goes, he goes, I'm going to keep saying nigger until a white guy gets up and calls 911 and saying, hello, L.A. police, there's a nigger on stage, and he won't stop saying nigger.

And I would die a laughter at that stupid joke. And then one night he said he knew Madonna when she was madonna, He goes, I knew Madonna. I know that little bitch when she was Manana or something like that. And I started watching what he was doing to the audience. So instead of watching him, I started watching the audience.

And I would go, wow. You know, Carla Bo is one thing. You know, fucking, you know, this comic that's working, Dom Herrera is something else. And Joe Rogan was up there doing his fucking thing at that time. And he was ripping it, you know. All these comics were doing that thing. but what Paul Mooney was doing was a different level

he was breaking barriers jack he was going up there and talking shit and making you feel uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time that's a gift that's not a knock knock joke you dumb motherfucker he was well planned and he was he was a fighter up on stage

he would throw jabs at you to see how you would react to them how you would move and once he found that he could keep punching you and that nose and that target. He was relentless. He kept punching you and that nose and that target. And then he would switch it up and he hit you with two body shots to fucking let you get your breath back.

And then he'd start throwing that cross fucking right hand, breaking your fucking nose. It was something you cannot, you know, comedy is this up and down, you know. He had it all combined. And I'm sure if he talked to Bill Burr, I'm sure you talked to, any of the comics that were there at that time, watching Paul Mooney. I mean, dog,

I saw him walking with Elizabeth, motherfucking Taylor one night. This was a black man, an African-American man that went up there and fucking did not talk bad about white people. He just let him know how they were fucking up to the point where they were even laughing at themselves.

Edward Cisaghan, you know, he was just saying shit. but I took to that and when that actually went to him like a man I go Paul I've been watching you for a long time man and I'm learning a lot from you you know this is fucking great and he was he would call me a Cuban nigger he would say look who it is the Cuban nigga all you Cubans are niggas anyway I mean he was just saying shit to me that was fucking you know that would make me like it wasn't getting me mad at all it was he was saying it out of love

and he loved Joe he would always goof on Joe too he would tell Joe that he was a nigger too he was Sicilian because you're nothing but a nigger too you and your Cuban little chubby friend and stuff he would say things to us and it became to the point where

I would not miss any of his performances because I always knew I would take something from it he taught me the gift of going up there and we talked about this last week on the podcast going up there, standing up, listen, if you're going to tell a joke and you're going to tell it this way

with your body, not behind the joke, it's not going to work. The audience sniffs that. You got to go up there, plant your feet, commit yourself, and fucking yell out to the audience and not let them worry about what the fuck they're thinking. That's why this can't.

We're letting an outside individual come in and try to cancel us. No, my way. work is from the reaction of the audience. That's who could cancel me. That's who could actually say something to me. Nobody else can't. Just that

fucking audience. And that's what I took from Paul Mooney. I took something from everybody. I'm not a joke thief. I'm not a thief. But I took something from Andrew Dice Clay. I took a little bit from fucking Joe Rogan. You see it in me. You definitely I tried to mimic

Burr. He's fucking tough to mimic. I like sometimes Mark Maron's delivery is very deadpan. But one guy that I went after that I really mimicked a lot. And I'll show you, even with the storytellers, was a lot of mooney stuff. It wasn't thievery. I didn't steal his material.

I stole his train of thought and how he would attack the audience. That's what I stole from him. And that's what I took from a lot of other comics. but nobody being more than Paul Mooney. Paul Mooney did not go up there to hold back. Paul Mooney went out there to fire at you and then explain to you in an intelligent manner,

not like me, I'm a dummy, why he thought that way. So, yes, he made you feel uncomfortable for two minutes, but then for eight minutes he made you agree. And even if you were white at the end, you go, you know what, I'm starting to hate honkies myself and shit. that's how he would do it but not in the fucking not the way it's done today

he wasn't up there bashing white people no he was just talking about our stupidity things the things we do that were kind of fucking stupid and because of that he became my mentor

not because he wrote jokes for me did I post a picture of him and me up no we weren't that type of friends We were other type of friends. Then he found out I was dating my wife. My wife was a waitress at the store,

and he would give her shit about the Cuban. I don't know what the fuck he's seeing that Cuban. He's a bad motherfucking comic, but he ain't a good-looking man at all. I mean, he would always... And I remember one day, and he was gay. He was gay, and he dated white guys. So that on stage was an act,

and he loved the track. I can't tell you how many times I saw him out at Hollywood Park and he would yell at me Cuba You know another time me and my wife were walking on sunset And Laurel Canyon There's a sushi place A coffee place Or a sushi place inside him

We were walking And I saw he had a white convertible And I saw the convertible see me And he didn't want me to see me And he made a huge huge huge turn on sunset and he yelled Cuba get your ass home they're killing niggas out here these days right like that that's the shit he would say to me you know but uh I asked him once if I went to Miami to do the show and I would go to the improv a lot I would go to Miami improv every

six weeks because I was Cuban and they would request me as a feature act I would stay down there for two or three weeks and feature for headlines. Then it got to the point that there was a rumor going around that Joe Diaz was the only feature that brought his own headliner with him. So I actually contacted the improv and I go, listen, man, I had a support. I had a guy named John X, great comedy book, a great fucking guy. He ran the DC Improv.

He quit. He moved on. If anybody knows how he got a hold to John X, please have him hit me up. because he was in D.C. and he was good friends with Paul Mooney. He felt the same thing I felt about Paul Mooney. So when I called Robert Hartman's office who booked the improvs, I said, I think you guys should really book Paul Mooney.

You know, there was just a couple of clubs booking them. New York would book them at night, at midnight's, at Carolines. And I got him into Miami. I finally talked, Joe Chalmers. who was the manager in Miami to speak to John X in D.C., and they gave him a rate. They didn't give him a lot of money. You know, he was Paul Mooney.

They tried to fuck with him. Let me tell you something. Paul went down there and destroyed those Miamians, and he destroyed the Cubans, and I loved it. It was the week of Elian Fernandez that when the feds went in and got him, and he would open up with, how you doing Cubans? You motherfuckers got your nigger wake-up call. You guys thought you were part of it.

the Jewish community down here in Miami hanging out with Jews eating bagels and look at you they still come down and take your shit Cubans were walking out in the hand droves they were just not accepting Paul Mooney me I didn't give a fuck I was loving what he was saying

there was some brothers in there some African Americans older see he drew an older African American crowd and they were great and but the second night I was there Listen, at this time I was friends with Paul Mooney. I wasn't best friends with him. I was friends with him.

I got him the week at the improv. But on the other side of that, guys, I was starting to rock. I was starting to rock hard. When you follow Paul Mooney for two years now, your confidence? Shit. You're showing up with your dick out. I would just show up with my dick out. What, motherfucker?

You know, there was headliners that were having a hard time following me. me because of the confidence that Paul Mooney was instilling in me. I was following Paul Mooney five fucking nights a week and then Dom Herrera on Saturday. What the fuck do you think was going to happen to you? What do you think will happen to a man when you put them in a cage for five fucking days, six days? And then they would let me out in these Mickey Mouse clubs across the country, these funny bones and shit.

And I would take their fucking headliners and wipe the stage with them. And they would all complain about me. You know what? I didn't give a fuck. See, at that time, I wasn't a team player. My job was to go in there and become a headliner. So my job was to go in there and fuck that fucking room up. Fuck the headliner.

He would get off. You can't say fuck. You can't improvise. You can't do this. Fuck you. My job is to destroy that motherfucking room, whether you like it or not. Listen, my advice to feature acts today is you're part of a show. You're there to enhance the show, not to knock this motherfucker out of the box.

but if you need to, you know Uncle Joy will always give you the green light. Some headliner gives you shit and tells you you can't do some certain material. I expect you to go up there and light your balls on fire so he can't follow it. Fuck him. If you build himself as a headliner,

he's got to follow you. And that's what Paul Mooney taught me. So when I say that, when I RIPed Paul Mooney on Twitter the other day, I didn't RIP him as a fucking mentor who taught me how to write and sat me down and schooled me. I learned from watching him.

But the ultimate gift, if I have to tell you the three biggest things that happened to me in my career, one would have to be the many saints in Newark, one would have to be my meeting with Joe Rogan. And the third thing, best thing that ever happened in my career was I was in Miami one night. Paul Mooney was about to follow me. And I went up on stage and I went on a fucking rant that was, don't ask me what I was saying don't ask it was classic Joey Diaz

it was just punches to your face people I would not let you fucking breathe at that point I had made Kevin Meaney quit I had made a couple of comics in Miami go I don't want to follow you I want to switch with you I was up there fucking rocking guys

and you know I'm not big I'm blowing my own horn it's 2002 2003 I was becoming a dangerous out there nobody was giving me love which is making me angrier and I was going for it at one point I looked over to the side and I saw Paul Mooney with the door open and he was yelling he was yelling at the bartenders and there was a manager there and in my mind I'm like I better wrap it up because Paul Mooney is getting angry at my language he's getting angry at what I'm doing up here I just lost the front of

He's never going to work with me again. At that time, I was causing so much havoc in Miami that the hate was starting to grow for Joey Diaz as the headliner. Like those little B headlines, they couldn't cover it. They couldn't cover the spread. And I'm here to tell you the truth. I saw Paul Mooney doing that, and I was brokenhearted.

I thought that he had turned on me. I thought that he was yelling at the staff to come and give me the light. to get me off the stage. I got off the stage. I gave him a fucking beautiful introduction because I thought I was going to get fired. I didn't, you know, I shook his hand.

I hugged him and I said that the great Paul Mooney, you know, fucking, I gave his credits at the time. And I got out of stage and I remember being down. I went into the bathroom and I pissed and I went to the bar and I go, so am I fired? And they were like, what are you talking about? And I go, when I was up on stage, I saw Paul Mooney fucking yell and scream

and, you know, I don't know if I did something wrong, if I was cursing too much, if he didn't like my material. And Joe Chadwick came over and he was like, no. He was here insulting us, telling us how much the improv suck, that that right there is the product of the comedy store. that is the fucking savagery that Midsie made and he was just blowing fucking my

you know he was just saying things to them about me like you see that that's what a comic really is you see that he has no fear you see that that motherfucker's a savage and he's going to do something with his life someday you see and he was just telling him like you fucking improv suck he hated Bud Friedman

he hated all those people But he needed work. He was getting old. He was 58 at the time. He died this week. He was 70-something. He was up there just giving me praises. And when I walked off the stage,

when he walked off the stage that night, I went up to him and said, what was that about? He goes, I am so fucking proud of you. He goes, you have become, he goes, I never saw you do that at the store. I go, because fucking I got to follow you in front of six fucking people. I go, that's what you did for me, man.

That's the confidence. I remember that the week before, I was like in the Funny Bone and Mishawaka, right? Under Mishawaka is where Notre Dame is. And I was working with this weak-ass fucking comic. He's on ships now. I threw a beating on him as a guest spot that the feature and the fucking headliner crumbled. At those days, I would take my comedy store lineups with me. on the road in those days.

I had a girlfriend in Michigan. When I would stay with her, I would call clubs and go, can I do a guest at now? We never heard of you. Give me a fax number, motherfucker. And I would send them my fax number. I would send them the fucking,

the call sheet from the lineup. And they would say, Paul Mooney, Joe Diaz. I follow Paul Mooney on a nightly basis. I can't do a guest by that. You're fucking dumping. There we go, all right. Come on down.

So fucking, you know, I got to spend those five days with Paul Mooney, and it was just me and him, and he got to watch me, and, you know, I think I went off course one night, and I told a story, like a little story, and he said that night when I got off,

he goes, that little story captivated me. He goes, maybe you should try telling more stories on stage, and I go, nah, nobody wants to hear my stories. But we went back to L.A. You know, we were still friends every night. We goof around, Cuba, this, that, this, and that, and this. And then in 2000, he did me a big favor. He called me, he goes, hey, I'm stuck,

and I forgot to book a feature for New York. Do you mind opening for me at Carolines? And right there on the phone, I could feel the shit and the cum come out of my dick. And then I just pissed myself that I was opening up for Paul Mooney at Carolines. And it was just four shows. No, it was two shows. It was two midnight shows on a Friday night.

And I'll never forget that one night I walked off the stage. And I was sitting on the side and I saw Laurie Metcalf. I don't know if you guys, I don't even know if I'm saying her right. She was, she played the sister in league of her own to Gina Davis. She was working Broadway, and she was really good friends of Paul Mooney. And she came to watch Paul, and I was maybe, you know, I was in awe of her. I was in awe that there were actors in the audience here to watch Paul Mooney. And I'll never forget that I fucking looked over at her.

And she was saying his material. As he was saying. As he was saying, and I'm like, ain't this about a bitch? and then we all went back to L.A. and John X took him on as a manager, and he gave him a pretty extensive tour schedule. You know, at least Paul Mooney at the end was going to go out like a gentleman because nobody had given him respect all those years.

You know, they looked at him as priors boy. I never looked at him like that. I hate when people look at people or somebody else's boys. No, we all have to serve an apprenticeship. Lee served an apprenticeship. Now Lee's doing what he's doing. I served an apprenticeship for Rogan. Now I'm doing what I'm doing.

Don't ever be ashamed to serve an apprenticeship. I don't want you to kiss somebody's ass or have your nose up somebody's ass. But a mentor comes in a lot of ways. A mentor comes in a lot of ways. And for me, listen, when I already died, I was a little upset. I thought about our times together. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful that he was one of the guys.

When you see me doing my thing, I'm stage yelling and going crazy and eating ass. And it was inspired by Paul Mooney, what Paul Mooney gave me. He gave me a gift. He let me watch him, learn and study from him. So from now on, when somebody's kind of being weird to you or whatever, step back, look back and see what this guy's really trying to do. Don't hate on him. Try to learn from him to make you better and to lift you up to be a better person.

That's enough about Paul Mooney. Before I wrap it up this week, I got to talk to you about something. It's a beautiful Monday to be alive this weekend. Memorial Day weekend, you're back out. I guess COVID's done. I got on a plane. And I'm here. So unless by Wednesday I'm not back,

then I don't know I have fucking COVID. I had a free fucking, I got an email a few weeks ago from JetBlue that I was going to lose my money if I didn't use it. So I booked a couple vacations for my wife. But what I wanted to do first was I had to go to L.A. Because I'm putting together a strain of Joey Dia's weed for the ice cream shop.

It's going to be like 90 fucking percent. Your eyeballs are going to blow out of your fucking head. So I wanted to, I needed to do that. When I got here to do the fucking surgery, I got sent to a heart doctor, and he broke my balls, and he made me do all these tests, and then he didn't want to give me the medication I was getting in L.A.

He wanted me to go through another battery of tests for the last three weeks, and I go, fuck you. I called my doctor in L.A. My doctor in L.A. He goes, come out. I'll do an EKG. I'll do it in my last.

my office and I'll prescribe whatever the fuck you need. So I put that down. And then the last two weeks I've been having a hard time, something was bothering me on the inside of my mouth. And I kept waking up every morning's morning spitting blood. And I was using the wrong floss. Floss. So one day I had to go.

I just made an appointment at a dentist over here. And he told me that the lady who had, whoever had done the work for me originally, fucking they have to do something over here. So I said, fuck it. I'm going to L.A. I'm going to see the doctor. I'm going to see the weed store.

I might as well see Dr. Sherry, my girl while I'm there. So I said, listen, my schedule is going to be. I got a plane ticket. I left Thursday morning at 545. The driver picked me up. I got a 7.30 flat. I land in Atlanta at 7.30. My plans are those three things.

I was going to definitely go to dinner with Dean Delray. And I didn't know what I was going to do at night because the time difference, remember 930, L.A. time is midnight, New York time. And I'm already on the New York time. So I said, fuck it. Papa's getting tired. Yeah, Papa's going to be getting tired. I don't know.

And once I got there, guys, I knew I didn't want to be there. Like, I knew why I left. When I'm done with something, I'm fucking done with something. So I did the three things I had to do. I got back to my hotel room around 3 o'clock. I called Dean Delray. Kate couldn't meet me because she had a gig at 8.30 and she had something to do till 4.

I felt really bad because she felt bad. But I go, Kay, I just dropped this on you. This is what's wrong with people. People think that just because they find the town, people got to drop what they're doing. No, I knew you were busy. I didn't want to make a big announcement. And to be honest of you, the real reason when I went to L.A.

was to small in the circle on a guy there's a guy that fucked with me for the last three years and now we're going to get our fucking day in the sand so I went to to fucking reel in the circle on him a little bit just so he knows he's fucking running things

tighten the noose you know what I'm saying so I wanted him to know I was going there so now I got him sleeping thinking why was he here for one day but when I got back to my hotel room at four I just knew I couldn't stay in L.A. that night. I was like, I'm not spending my fucking night in L.A. I called every fucking airline.

I couldn't get back. It was terrible. No Southwest. JetBlue wasn't flying out of Burbank no more. There's only two flights a day. Two direct flights a day to L.A. So I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? And I wanted my wallet, and I found an old fucking mosaic card.

That's like the high level people at JetBlue, and I called the number, and I told him the truth. I said, I got to get the fuck out of the lady goes, listen, you're not going to believe this. A ticket just opened up in 1A. I go, fuck it, put me on it. So I was basically, I got to LA at 10.30 in the morning, and I was back on a plane Thursday night at 920. I landed 5-05. My boy Alex was there. He gave me a ride home.

I got home by 605. and I did it and I didn't do it for the fucking to be honest I could have done a Zoom call with the guy for the reefer the doctor would have probably sent me the prescription and I could have gone to a different dentist here the real reason why I did it was to eliminate my fear

I wanted to just I got to take this shit in little strides man this whole pandemic thing took me for a fucking while I'm getting better. You can see I'm getting better. I'm looking better. Still no weed.

If I don't smoke by tomorrow night, it'll be fucking three. No, three weeks already. Three fucking weeks already. I don't know if I look any different. I'm still ugly as fuck. I've lost some weight, and it's not like I'm running marathons. I can't tell you, my knee's still getting healed. But I'm happy I'm doing this.

I'm happy I'm doing this. When I come back, I get nice. and fucking stone. What I am going to do is the first time I do smoke, I am going to smoke for you guys because I want you guys to see what I used to do to Lee.

If you don't think when I take that first hit, I'm going to do it to you. My eyeballs are going to fly out and I'm going to drool all over myself and shit. That's going to happen. So paybacks are a bitch. Thank you for watching.

Have a great fucking Monday morning. I know that half of you is this week after tomorrow your heads are going to be up your ass thinking about Memorial Day weekend. What color is the tablecloth it's going to be? Are we using ranch dip or are you going with the traditional onion? You know, all that shit. How many hot dogs we do?

Yeah, so you guys are going to be brain dead. But anyway, I want to catch you today. Rest in peace, Paul Mooney. Thank you very much, guys, for watching. And we'll be back Wednesday, tip-top Magoo. Love you, motherfuckers. Have a great day. Thank you for watching.

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