The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #069 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 31, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Monday, May 31st..... Happy Memorial Day….. This episode is brought to you by Magnesium Breakthrough & Bluechew..... Go to https://www.MagBreakthrough.com/JOEY and enter PROMO Code: JOEY10 Go to https://www.Bluechew.com and enter PROMO CODE: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Co-Hosted & Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on: Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. It's fucking Memorial Day. Who gives a fuck what day to this? It's Motherfucking Memorial Day. And I'm here to salute the troops. And thank you for all your service and your dedication to this great fucking country of ours.

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We got magnesium breakthrough. And we got you guys. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. The last day of the month. Happy Memorial Day to you motherfuckers. If you're watching this podcast,

it's because nobody invited you to anything. And you're a fucking stiff like me. No. It was a fucked up weekend. I get it. It was a fucked up weekend. But we made it. I'm happy.

It's Memorial Day. Happy Memorial Day. To everybody who served in their families, you know, I know that this is what it's really all about. But it just was fucking, what a hell of a weekend. I mean,

listen, is great because during a week it's 90 degrees and you're jumping up and down but let me tell you something. For years I've been monitoring the weather on the weekends in fucking Jersey in New York. You know you talk to Ari. I talk to different people

like my brothers and I'll be like how's the weather and they'll tell me it's fucking terrible. It was great all weekend. Well we had the same. Every fucking party got canceled. The biggest little league tournament of the year got canceled. I mean fucking everything. Well, I got pushed back till today.

and today looks like it's going to be all right but the field is going to be shitty it was coming down fucking like a typhoon Saturday morning the party Saturdays got canceled except for one kid's party thank God and I went if you don't think I went I fucking went

and enjoyed myself you understand me I had the hat on I was jumping up and down with the kids because there wasn't nothing else going on it was raining out Saturday night you know I just relaxed it's so fucking weird how you have to catch yourself

sometimes Sunday was a great day. We were supposed to go to Joe Florentines. That got fucking rained out. That got pushed to next weekend. So next weekend, I got like 19 activities. The girls' softball tournament starts Thursday fucking night. So, yeah, this weekend fucked me up.

But you know what, man? No matter what happened this weekend, I was in a great fucking mood the whole weekend. And I'm even in a better mood today. And I'll tell you why. January 4th, my wife was driving me down the brick to do surgery on my knee. And guys, I wasn't too happy. Between you and me, guys, I would have fucking made my wife turn that car around.

But then I had to face you guys, and I'd have to tell you how I pussyed out on the surgery because I was too scared because of my fucking knee. And how would I look to you guys? So I put my chin up and I walked into that hospital and as scared as I was of COVID, as scared of as I was of needles, as scared as I was of everything that had to do with it. When they told me to sit in a wheelchair, you know, they put you in a wheelchair like a fucking jerk off

and they wheel you're like, I can walk. He's like, no, you got to go on a wheelchair. I got to push you. I'm in that wheelchair saying to myself, you know what, I'm going to be okay. I'm in good hands. And this is all going to be better by Memorial Day. If you look at any of my journals,

And if I write you, read back to you, any of my journals from January 4th. I mean, I even go back as November saying that this will all be fine by Memorial Day. I'm not Nostradamus. I'm not saying in that case. It just so happened. COVID died in New Jersey on Friday. That's it. You don't have to wear a mask no more.

People are not wearing masks and businesses. Some people, you know, I bring my mask out of respect. I don't want to piss anybody off. I don't want any fucking problems. If I see people don't have the mask on, then I don't put my mask on. But if somebody's uncomfortable or whatever, they come up to me, I put my mask on.

I'm not here to give anybody attitude or anything. In my world, COVID's over. In your world, it should be over. Look at the fucking sporting events. They got people on top of people. It's over. Nobody gives a fuck. That's it.

You got the president out that you didn't like. You got your job completed. Okay, now it's over with. So I didn't even look at it like that. I didn't know about January 4th. I knew nothing about a vaccine. knew nothing about anything. I just thought that for me, because the weather would break.

By that time, I would, you know, be a little bit more settled. By that time, the parts would have clouded and the true color of the skies would have shown. I would have known where I stood more. That's where I was coming from. And I am. I'm very fucking happy. My stress levels have gone down 1,0001%. I don't have to take the anxiety medication.

at all. The last time I took it was during the Rudy Sarzo guitar lesson. He fucking stressed me to fuck out from A to Z. I mean, he's so intense. But everything else has been working out. I'm healthy. I'm still losing weight. I'm still doing the weight watches.

You know, my knee, I got to tell you something. Again, even when I went before the surgery and I was sitting there, you know, with the fucking IV in my hand and shit, and I'm like, you know what? Everything is going to be better by by Memorial Day. Everything, you know. And the last three days, the biggest pain I have throughout

the day guys is not walking. It's not lifting. It's not riding the bike. It's none of the above. You know what the fucking hardest thing for me to do is, you know when I establish pain, as soon as I open my eyes and I decide to get out of bed, I have to pull my hips up and turn and go over and let my feet land on the bed. And from my knee to my foot, my leg jiggles. It feels like a loose tooth. You have another loose tooth? And he goes, like, this fucking tooth is going to fall out any day.

That's how my leg feels because of the IT muscle and the muscle that I tore. But I got to tell you something, the last four or five days, I haven't had it. So I think that that prediction I made in my head about Memorial Day weekend, actually healed everything. I mean, I'm okay. Knock on wood. I'm not jumping up and down. I'm not going to fucking go and,

you know, bungee jump on nothing. I'm still fucking petrified. You know, it's like a psychological thing, guys. I still... I have to go to the court and do some don'ts. Yeah, I still feel that

my fucking knee is going to fall off when I'm fucking walking, you know, like from time to time. Like, that's why I'm so happy. And we made it on the reefer. We did the, 30 fucking days.

Boom! You know, I'm not a fucking quitter, but we did 30 fucking days. And I'm going to tell you, I was goofing on you guys last week and telling you, like, you know, like, I don't feel no differences. I would love to be one of those jerkoffs,

you know, that walks to you with the water and, you know, oh my God, I'm never going to smoke again. My lungs, I don't feel shit. I can't tell you. But I will tell you what I, I did learn. Let me take a quick sip of water here.

You got to hydrate them not. Things get bad for you inside. I will tell you what I did learn that I've been very, very wrong on for the last 30 years. I've been talking shit on this podcast about it. You know, when I talk about this, I got to tell you the whole fucking deal.

If not, it's not going to pan out. I got a very not hurtful in lighting email about months ago. It was somebody telling me about my drug use with the emphasis on marijuana. And they were explaining my situation how me doing what I was doing, taking pictures of pot and all that shit, you know, and it was a shitty email. I didn't really put any weight on it. But he was right in some places. He made some valid points that I was glamorizing marijuana. want to use, you know, that kids

might be getting it the wrong way, and I agree with that. You know, you guys know I am in my house. Right now, I would love to fucking smoke just to see, I'm doing a video of me smoking for the first time. Do not think that I am not going to do a video, I'm going to roll a

joint, show you the fucking percentage of it, and smoke the joint, see the results, and then after I say tremendous, we're going to cut that piece and turn that into an NFT. If you don't think I'm going to do that for June, you got another thing coming. But I will tell you where I was wrong with the THC and the Riefer.

And I love marijuana. I'm never going to badmouth it at all. I get pissed off when people tell me that, you know, they have different effects from marijuana because I know they're bullshit. But this effect, I know for a fact because it's been affecting me the last week and a half, maybe two weeks. my dreams started getting clearer. You know, not alpha-brain dreams.

Like there's alpha-brain dreams. And then I had like a reefer dream. The last time I drank the Michael Jackson tea, if you've noticed I haven't been drinking the Michael Jackson tea, I still drink the kikamoto tea. I just don't put all the shit in there because I had a fucking very vivid dream. But, yes, it was funny when I was telling the story.

It was a dream about Fidel Chasing, me on a speedboat and I was on a speedboat getting chased but who did I tell you was on that boat with me my sister so I actually went to Cuba in this dream and got my sister that's something that I've never really thought of doing since I was around eight I didn't think about it when I had the dream it was the dreams I started having a couple of nights after that. They were a very personal dream. Look,

you ever watch, like, like one night I was watching a Jared Lito movie with Denzel on HBO Max, the new movie he made. Not a good movie. I don't, I don't even remember what the fuck the movie was about arson or some shit. And that night,

I had a dream that I was at a party, and Jared Lido was there smoking pot. And it was like, I don't remember talking to him, I don't remember what music was on I couldn't tell you a detail about the dream All I could tell you was the next day I was going for a ride somewhere And I said wow, that was weird

I had a dream about Jared Lido Because I was watching his fucking movie Before I went to bed The night before the reefer With the fucking Fidel chasing me On the speedboat Yeah, I was watching Miami Vice And Tubbs and Crockett

Were chasing some other guy on a speedboat And the guy went off the street And maybe I took that to bed with me and I had that dream about the speedboat. But where did my sister come from in this dream? And the last couple of nights after that, not last night, but I think Friday night I had a dream of me having a conversation with my mother. Like a full-on conversation with my mother. I think Wednesday night I actually had a dream

and guys he's been dead for 55 fucking years I don't know what he looks like anymore I don't know I don't remember nothing but I will tell you I had a dream that I was actually talking to my father my real father

and I could see him in the dream and I could you know like I think I cried or whatever but I woke up I was fine you know it was throughout the day that I'm like I had a dream about Manolo last night when the fuck did this happen so I'll tell you what that is I think that the weed

was covering up some of my you know listen guys when I was fucking 16 I ran into a fucking brick wall of life you know I needed everything I could to shudder those fucking feelings down so I could move on with my life and obviously it was just putting them in a fucking closet and now all these dreams are coming out of my fucking closet

and I got to face the realities of my fucking dreams or what's in my psyche and I think that's what the weed helped are they nightmares not at all they're not nightmares there's nothing bad nothing I wake up it's just very enlightening fucking dreams and I kind of like them to be honestly it's letting me know that

my mother's still in my mother's still my life, my father is still in my life, and my sister's still in my life. That's something, you know, I weigh very heavy. My sister's life weighs very fucking heavy on me a lot. I don't disclose a lot of it. I don't talk about it a lot. I mean, it's something I should talk to a psychiatrist about or something, but I never really got to that place. But my sister is something that, you know, I can't talk to my sister as much as I like calling her or whatever. You know, Our lines of communication were open for years, and we were getting to a certain place, and I think that I offered too much to her too quick.

You know, she kept wanting me to go to Cuba. This is years ago, three, four years ago. Our connection really started again, like in 2013 when my daughter was born. I went out to, you know, contact my sister, and, you know, I had talked to my cousins. my cousins had come to the improv and we went to Cantors and ate dinner and spoke to 5 in the morning and they filled me in on what was going on

with my family in Cuba and I said let me make a conscious decision here and throughout everything that was going on touring podcast you know specials I was trying to put my sister together you know like just trying to call her and talk to her and reach out and have a relationship with her

I got a family now I wanted a relationship with my fucking sister. So I went out of my way and called her every week. I'd have to go buy a special fucking calling card. And it was like $50 for eight fucking minutes to talk to Cuba. I mean, it was a fucking nightmare. But I did it. She's my sister.

And my mother was dead. This is what I need to do to reopen up this avenue. This was something I needed to do for me. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I got to be honest. Every time I fucking talked to her, when I get off the phone, I had a smoke fucking tension. joints and drink fucking tea, 10 kamikazis.

You guys know I don't drink kamikazis or nothing, but you understand what I'm saying to you. The conversations were way that much on my psyche, because it would always end up on, you got to enjoy our mother and I didn't. And I'm like, I wish you knew what you were talking about, that there was a ton of suffering involved here. You know, there was not,

this was not a fucking trip to fucking Disney world, you know, afterwards. So, but she doesn't understand that. I kind of don't understand her world. So what I tried to do on my end was to reach out to her to bring her here to the States since I was having such a hard time with the passport thing. And I offered a California. I would bring her back here, show her fuck in the grave,

show where my mother's bar was, where our business was located in New York, just to spend time with her. And she told me that she didn't want to come to the United States, you know, that she's a full-blown fucking commie. What am I going to do? I can't, you know, I can't force somebody to do something I don't want them to do. So kind of in a way I took it as an insult, which I'm oversensitive.

I should have never got insulted over it. So our conversations have slowed down over the years. We've just been talking during the holidays. And like I called it this year for her birthday and left the message, you know, it's March 19th. You ever call somebody and you call them and you want to talk to them, but you're kind of happy if they don't answer the phone and you leave a message and you're like, whoof, I got out of that fucking hot seat. That's how I feel now, you know, and I shouldn't feel that way.

That's my fucking sister. That's the only blood I really fucking have in this world. But just going back to the effects of marijuana, that's all I felt, to be honest with you guys. I did get a little agitation. the other night. I have not been agitated at all. This has not been like a thing

that I'm quitting anything. You know, I don't believe in diets. Like people always go, don't call them a diet and you won't get pissed off. Call them a change in lifestyle and you'll be a lot better off. If you just go,

I'm having a change and a lifestyle change, you'll be a lot better off. And that's the same thing I'm doing here. Don't call it a comeback. I've been here for years. Anyway, I don't know.

I just thought of Al-L Cool J there for a minute. You know, I'm going to smoke again, I'm sure. I just wanted to give everything a breather. And that's what the big notice. I thought that reefer was recreational or whatever. I think I was wrong. I think that it hit back some of my emotions, and now I'm enjoying them.

I'm enjoying dealing with these emotions. I do not know. I, you know, listen, the dreams aren't that vivid where, like, my mother's coming to me and she's saying, bet the Knicks, it's not that. It's not one of those dreams, you know. She came to me in a dream. They told me to bet the Knicks.

No, I'm done betting the fucking Nicks, by the way. Listen, I'm done betting the Knicks and the Nets. I learned the hard way this fucking week. But I will tell you one thing, guys. I love Draft Kings. I love, I love, gambling. I don't like.

I didn't like excessive gambling when I was a kid growing up here. I did not like what my friends were doing, that style of gambling. This new style of gambling is kind of fucking fun. You know, and last Monday night, my daughter had a softball game, and I was talking to Dan Florentine,

and we were talking about the NBA. I think you said you bet on that. And we were talking about, we were talking about the NBA. just stupid shit, you know, watching a girl, Saw Paul games, a bunch of guys, and he was going, the thing about the playoffs, I didn't even know it was a fucking player, he goes, the thing

about the NBA playoffs is that they play defense. So that means you got to start looking at totals, instead of, you know, instead of looking at games, you look at totals. And again, I was bored Monday night. So I think I bet two totals and I split.

So I won one game and I lost the other one. No big fucking deal. $25. You win like 19 if you win. I just do it just to in between TV shows. I go back and I watch with the game. I can't watch a whole basketball game. And you just, only the last three

minutes fucking counting, you know. So I fucking split out Monday night. Tuesday night, I think I bet. Oh, no, I push Sunday night with the Knicks. Let's get this straight. Sunday night, I push with the Knicks. Monday night, I split.

And then Tuesday night, I think I lost. So Wednesday, I actually called my man the Philly Godfather, and this motherfucker gave me two fucking winners on Wednesday night that were tremendous. And then Thursday I called the Philly Godfather again. He's fucking good.

You see him on Twitter, posting all that shit and show him money. This guy's fucking good. He gave me another pick Thursday night. And it fucking won. I got a little money, back. Me, you know, I'm fucking retarded.

When I signed up for Draft Kings, I signed up with Fantasy instead, and I don't know what I'm doing with Fantasy. So they asked me, you know, do all these pools and shit, a dollar. So what's a fucking dollar? You're not doing nothing. You might as well put a team together. So I put a fucking team together, and they told me if I was over budget, I have no idea what I'm doing with Fantasy.

So I just put a team together. I bet a couple things. I forgot all about it, right? I forgot all about this. So I told Dan Florentine that I had all this money on my 600 bucks on my fucking draft king's fantasy. And I don't know what I'm doing.

He's like, you gotta get a fucking transferred over to your sports book, you fucking idiot. So I had to call draft kings and the customer service is great. The whole fucking thing. But guess what? I actually hit one of the pools. I fucking once like $200 on one of the pools

not knowing anything. That's just to prove to people that you don't need to know shit about gambling. House mothers do it and fucking win money. But anyway, I fucking hit with the Philly Godfather on Thursday night. And Friday I was all fired up. I'm like, there's going to be a bunch of fucking games. I'm going to call the Philly Godfather. But Friday night, Friday day, my daughter, there was no school down here, you know,

because they had a winter day left over. Can you fucking believe that? There was no school for four months and they had a winter day. day left over. So they made them take the day off to make it a five-day weekend. So the girls went up to fucking some zoo. And I was stuck down here all fucking day. So I had to go to the gym. I had some phone calls to make. You know, I talked to Erica on the book. I did a bunch of fucking shit. And then my wife calls him. She's like, what are you doing for dinner? I go, I don't know. What are you doing for dinner? She's like, we're all going to Christine's.

You're on your fucking own. So I was like, God damn. I didn't give a fuck. I went and got my fucking I got this little place I go to nice grilled chicken I got some nice grilled chicken I got some nice mac and cheese six points and I got I owed him mashed potatoes but the guy gave me broccoli he couldn't hear fucking mashed potatoes

and broccoli was through the mass so I didn't give a fuck because the grilled chicken was fucking zero points on weight watches so all I had was the mac and cheese six points and then from there I went next door I wanted to give myself a treat because I'm supposed to have 61 weight watcher points

and I already had 74 and working out with the walking therapy. So I went next door and I got myself a nice little coconut milk, pliable, fucking fruit bowl, because fruit is zero points. And I don't touch the fucking milk, the coconut milk with the protein powder and the blended bananas, four points. And I eliminate the granola. So I just eat the fucking fruit just to get my stomach going. Then my wife calls me and says,

Christine and them are ordering fucking pizzas and sandwiches They want you to come over So I actually went over there And had a fucking great time But I noticed something while I was over there I kept looking at my clock And I'm like I want to go home

And place her fucking bedding You know I wanted to call the Philly Godfather And place her bedding And I go Here we go Here we go This is what we were talking about last week Catching yourself

that sometimes we don't check ourselves. You know, I've started to do this about 10 years ago and it's been working for me. I wish I would have started doing this at 20. If I would have done this at 20, I would have been that guy from fucking whatever right now jumping out of planes. I would have been worth 80 billion fucking dollars.

If you don't check yourself in this life on a constant fucking level, that's when you start to slip, and I was starting to slip on Friday. I kept looking at the clock. going, hmm, I'm going to get home. I want to call the Philly Godfather and place a bet. I think I liked Boston.

I liked Atlanta. And I liked Kwame Leonard to do under on his fucking game against the Dallas Mavericks. That's what I liked. I looked at it early in the daytime. But here I am with kids. Here I am with my wife. Here I am with a family. And I'm thinking about fucking going in there.

and putting $3.25 bets, whether it's $25 bets or it's $5,000 bets, it's still fucking gambling. And it's something that's supposed to be fun, not supposed to be doing it for me to do. Remember, when you gamble once a week, the odds are you making money or more than you gambling seven nights a week.

Remember that. When you go to the well seven times, especially with basketball, that's every fucking night you got to be right. You know what? I ended up making myself, what, $217. Joey,

which $217? You can't do nothing with that. That's fine. You know what? I'll buy gas. Right? Gas is $3 a fucking gallon.

Even if I buy gas $217, that's a lot of fucking money where I come from. I don't give a fuck when anybody says. And that's what I was using it for. It wasn't for me to become...

That's the problem I had when I was 19. I was gambling to become a millionaire. Me and my fucking friends, you're not going to become a millionaire. You want to do it as fun. It's great. I fucking encourage it.

But see, I even caught myself. And this is why I like this shit. This is why I love journaling. This is why I'm looking at my goals from fucking last year. I'm looking at my goals from two years ago. And I got to tell you something, guys, I can't believe how much my goals have changed. What I wanted two years ago is not what I want today.

everything two years ago had to do with business everything now has to do with me being happy it's so weird to look at it and to see the fucking jump you know I have a thousand things going on right now without stand-up comedy I am so happy to say this and this is the life I wanted I always loved doing stand-up comedy

I didn't want that to dominate my fucking life and if you leave it up to your agents and everybody else that's what they want for you you to be out there every fucking week until you die. You know, one of the best things I ever did was watch the Elvis documentary on HBO. I still think it's on HBO Max or if you have HBO app. If you haven't watched the Elvis fucking documentary, watch it. That Elvis documentary was what...

It didn't open up my eyes. It confirmed to me what the other side thinks. and if you watch the fucking Elvis documentary, I think it's a three-part documentary. They did like a three-part synopsia documentary, maybe a two-part or a three-part Elvis documentary. If you guys want to fact-check it and hit me back on Twitter

and help everybody else watch it, watch it. But if you're a comic, it's really important that you watch what Elvis in this Elvis documentary. There was a part where, towards the end, I mean, I fucking love that. I don't know if you guys know this. I'm pissed at the United States that we have just forgotten about fucking Elvis.

When I was growing up, Elvis was on TV every fucking night. I love Jail Haas Rock. But, dog, I got an Elvis album in there, live from Hawaii, Aloha, whatever the fuck. I fucking love Elvis. You can laugh at me all you fucking want. That motherfucker, if you're going to be a good stand-up comic and you don't study Elvis, you're fucking out of your mind. Elvis is Andrew Dice Clay

Elvis is Ralphie Mae I can name five fucking comics that looked at Elvis and learned from Elvis and I was one of those guys I think Elvis the only problem with me and Elvis was Elvis was beautiful I'm an ugly motherfucker Elvis was fucking beautiful

I saw a fucking picture of Elvis about six months ago I had to call my wife down and say find me something more beautiful than that and I'm not gay I know beauty though when I fucking see it. He was fucking beautiful.

That motherfucker could rock when he wanted to rock. Yeah. A lot of his shit was, you know, but Elvis taught me fucking a lot about performing. I still watch Elvis. Dog, I'm a jailhouse rock motherfucker the same

way I'm a plane, trains and automobiles type of motherfucker. I learned more about body movement from jailhouse rock from Elvis than I did from comedy. from John Candy and fucking Steve Martin and plane trains and all the bills. If you got a problem with Elvis,

you watch Jail House Rock and you get back to me. That motherfucker drops it on that. But anyway, to get back to the fucking documentary before I get fired up on Elvis here. Elvis, there's a part towards the end. I don't know if you guys know anything about Elvis. I've read like 20 books. The Colonel, I forget what his real name was,

was like Elvis's fucking father. He was. his manager, he was his mentor, he fucking made Elvis, Elvis, he was a great fucking manager. But they caught him on tape towards the end saying that

when Elvis is dressing up with the fucking belt and he was fatter than I was in the longest yard and he was throwing karate kicks. You know, you knew his time was coming. Like, you looked at Elvis and you're like, fuck, fat Elvis is killing me. But I was holding on

for dear life. Let me tell you something. In 75, when I was fucking 12, I got into an argument about Elvis. I was holding on to deal life to Elvis. Elvis died when I was 14. Elvis died like in August when I was at superstar basketball camp, and I got to tell you something, I cried a little bit on the bus when Elvis died. When I saw it in the paper, I didn't know he died taking his shit or whatever, but none of this shit really fucking matters.

The point is, fucking Elvis was a bad motherfucker, and at the end, they catch his, they have tape, audio tape, of his manager, the colonel, who loved and adored him telling a promoter, listen, man, Elvis is damaged goods. What we're going to do is this. We're going to put him on the road and put him out there until he dies. We're going to squeeze every last penny out of him. When I heard that audio tape, my fucking heart broke right there on that couch.

Like my fucking heart just broke because it confirmed what I always knew about booking agents and people in the entertainment business they blow smoke up your ass and they just put you out there until you die, get busted or get shot or get put in prison.

You know, if you ever watch the thief at the end when he hits James Con in the head and he tells the guy, you're going to work for me till you're fucking burnt out, dead or in the fucking joint. And when that reality comes, to you in life. It's a fucking reality. That's it. That's how you're going to fucking end up.

So when I fucking heard that, I was like, okay, I got to check myself now. I don't want to end up on the road and I don't want to give these guys the control to think that much about me. Money is not worth me being away from my family that fucking much. If Elvis, if Ralphie, if all these

comics, if you could bring them back, Richard Pryor, Paul Mooney, who's got kids and go, was it fucking really worth it? if you could do it all over again, would you find the healthier balance? They would say yes. I have a lot of things going on right now. You know,

I'm trying to write a great book for you guys with Erica Florentine. I mean, we are working fucking hard on this. This is not going to be an easy... I don't want you guys to think that we're just throwing things together here. We're focusing on the things that I have never told you over the years. the things that were going on inside of me

and my head and my heart this is not just some book about me stealing and doing fucking drugs I'm taking you guys to the next level I want to do this for what you guys have done for me I wanted to tell you so I'm working on that I'm working on the NFTs

I'm trying to put a podcast together we're trying to get a new studio going and start a new podcast there I mean my hands are fucking full I'm trying to raise a daughter I got fucking softball practice Now they just added more games More tournaments

All-stars I mean my fucking You know My fucking I'm thin here You know I'm thin because I want to take the summer off And I want to enjoy it Listen

To be a good comic To tell you a good story I have to go out And find new stories And do new things You know I've even gotten into new friends Like I

I went out to dinner Thursday night With my neighbor He's my friend now Frankie, we, you know, we went to the fucking brass rail and got a tremendous pot roast fucking sandwich, you know. I mean, I had the fraud Diablo because I had already had meat in the daytime. I don't like eating that much meat.

I had the seafood, fried Diablo, nothing else. I didn't eat no bread, no butter on the bread, nothing. But, you know, I'm trying to change everything. You know, I just didn't want to have comedy friends anymore. That was my problem in L.A. Everybody I had was a comedy friend. or somebody associated with the business in some sort of way. I'm trying to make friends with normal people with dads.

I'm friends with a guy that's retired 9-11. You know, he got hurt during 9-11. I'm hanging out with a fucking Newark detective. I'm hanging out with a guy that's in charge of sanitation in New York. I'm hanging out with people that are giving me a different perspective. You know what I'm saying? It's not the same fucking perspective that I was living with in California. You know, something happened on the way to dance yesterday.

not yesterday, Friday, that really showed me how far I've come as a human being, even since I've been here. I told you that what I hated the most of what I was living through, the last five or six years, was the desperation. I didn't like that feeling. It was desperate all around me. I felt it again last Thursday when I flew to LA. I felt that desperation in the air. I feel like the other shoe's going to drop. I can't believe a friend of mine said,

the other shoe you felt was going to be an earthquake, and I looked at them weird. I'm like, don't even, please. But anyway, you know, I felt that desperation that I didn't like anymore. I didn't accept it, and I didn't want it in my house. Not only am I writing a book, not only am I, you know,

trying to do all these fucking things. I'm also trying to put together a TV show in conjunction with the book, with a complete different writer. He is a great guy. This writer is a great guy. I met him by taking his class. I took his writing class.

It was like an eight-week class on a script. You know what? He taught me a lot of shit about script writing. Did I end up writing a script? No. But at least I got an idea, and it's going to be the next book for me and Erica. Me and Erica are going to start a corporation,

and we're just going to write books. she's got ideas I've got ideas and together you know two heads are better than one you know we're friends we're going to be business partners so we're already have an idea for the next book

you know you want me to tell you it's listen to this one the other day I was talking to my fucking daughter at the softball field we were doing something I don't know we were just sitting there and she was talking to me about what she learned in fucking school or something

about animals and all the animals that were down here I said to her, do you ever think about what's in those fucking trees? And she started telling me all this shit about what lives back there and what animals she likes. I'm sitting there going, this kid knows a lot more than what I fucking thought. So all of a sudden she goes, that's why I think when I graduate high school, I think I'm going to move to Colorado like you did.

And I'm like, you're going to move to Colorado? Oh, my God, what makes you say that? You know, I'm just bullshit with her, trying to talk to her, you know, having a conversation with her. And she's like, well, Dad, you went there and they have all these animals and all this stuff. Because I was talking now about Independence Pass one day. We were talking about if we go to Aspen next year, I'm going to take, I want to go in the summer because I want to take them over Independence Pass. Independence Pass is only open from July to like the second week of September.

It's only open three fucking months a year. And it's a cliff. It's basically a fucking road that's a road and a half. and if you fucking take too far of a thing if your car doesn't have wings it's night night I have gone through Independence Pass

with people who have murdered people and they have cried the whole way like I'll never do this again I'll fucking kill you and at the end of Independence Pass there used to be a place called the Black Wolf Inn or something and you could stay the night there because it's a pretty fucking exhaustive

driving. Once you make it, you, you, what do you call white knucklet, the whole fucking way? Because if you make one wrong move, you go off that fucking clip. So it's called like the black wolf fin. It used to be there when I was a kid. And you would just spend the night there. And eating at night, the wolves would how, woo-woo, at midnight. And you're like in your bed. This is tremendous. It wasn't fucking tremendous. You know, so it was tremendous. It was beautiful. It was nature. I was young. it takes an hour off the trip between Aspen to Denver. So if you ever go from Aspen to Denver,

and it's July through September, take Independence Pass, bring a camera, take pictures, and you take an hour off. What did this have to do of what we were fucking talking about, Joey? Okay. So my wife, when my daughter told me she wanted to go to Colorado, you know, we're talking, I said, well, wouldn't this be weird if I fucking died,

you know, like when she turns 70, like when she turns 23 or something, I'm 73, I die, right? She goes to Colorado, and I go, wouldn't just be a great script, and she bumps into my other daughter, and they don't know,

like they work together or something, they don't know, and one of them, oh, your last name is Diaz, oh my God, and what would happen? Like, what would happen? So I fucking ran right down,

and started fucking writing scenarios. And it was great. That's the creative channel. At least we're getting somewhere. Doesn't matter what you write. As long as you're writing, whether it's comedy, drama, a fucking song. Trust me, I can't write a song to save my fucking night. I admire those songwriters.

But that was what was, you know, going on. Like I was like, Jesus Christ. So this is what's going on. I have other things I want to really fucking do with, with writing, you know. I've always been a fan of books. I've always read authors and jerked off all over myself. You know, Stephen Spielberg, when I read his books, you know, Stephen King, you know,

I've jerked off all over myself. I mean, you know, I look up to authors like, fuck, you're the holy fucking grail. And I'm just horrible at it, but I've continued to work on it. But anyway, I teamed up with this guy. This guy's a great guy. He's a great writer. he's not a name writer and this is the problem you have

everybody needs a name well so what as long as they're a good fucking writer you know what I'm saying the guy's a great writer so what if he hasn't written the show how do you write a great show by fucking taking a chance

on a writer and that's what I did the guy's a great guy we have great conversations he wrote a tremendous pilot you know we sent it to my agency but since everybody's running scared and they're trying to make money off the lowest branch which is fucking uh the road since i'm not going on the road and because they're scared that i you know because i got in trouble last year you know online which i didn't do shit

it was a fucking 23 year old story everybody's scared all of a sudden to pitch a tv fucking show so i kind of got it i understand where you're coming from you know you don't want to pitch the TV show, but this guy is a great guy. At least let's try to help him. So for the last month, I've been telling the guy, listen, I think you're putting too much weight on my agency. Let's go through your agency and let's do it that way. I'm just trying to give the guy,

listen, I feel bad for the guy because we're not getting any help. And in my mind, I felt like I lied to the guy. I told him that my agent would be fucking more than happy to sell this show to him. He went out of his way and wrote to him. this fucking beautiful fucking pilot, and now we're getting no results from my agency. You know, and I knew this is going to happen. But I'm not this upset about it.

You know, I can pick up the phone and yell and threaten and, you know, please do this or call or I'll leave you to go to another agent. I'm to the point in my life. I don't want to go to another agent. I got a guy in New York that's helping me for New York auditions. That's why I put another audition down last week for a TV show. You know, I got a guy over there. I don't know what I want to do about the road yet.

That's all going to be organic. It's not going to be pushed. You know, I got the soprano movie coming out. I just got to call. We got to take pictures or something. You know, I have stuff going on. But I feel bad for this rider because he's really busted his hump doing this. So we try to talk twice a week.

You know, we make notes on the pilot. They wanted him to go a different direction with the pilot and blow up my mom. they were like, let's take the heat off Joey and let's blow up his mom because times are changing. They're looking for shows with strong women now. What's better than a strong ethnic woman?

Any coincidence why they made the equalizer an African American woman? Okay then. They want to make women strong and ethnic women. So we'll take the Joey Dia story and make it about his mother. We had it going. He wrote a tremendous fucking treatment,

the whole thing. He's not getting any response, you know? There was people at my agency that I used to email just to say hello, and they would email me back, you know, just to check in what I fucking preach. I fucking hit them up when the pilot, I sent them all pilots. All of a sudden, they stopped talking to me. You know what? I could sit here and be upset, but I wasn't.

It's not my world anymore. So I'm talking to him on Friday. And, in fact, I even got up, text him, and said, listen, I'm going to talk to you. I want to talk to you and lay up. out for you. I went to a park, got out of the fucking car. It was such a beautiful day out Friday before the rain came. And I walked. I walked like a mile just explaining to him what the situation was and what we have to do. Like we have no love coming from my agents. This is a reality. This is a reality. You know, like we got no love coming from this guy. After I

explain myself for 40 fucking minutes. I walked back to my car to get something to drink. I'm fucking thirsty. I'm still talking to him. I get in the car and I go to him. So listen, reach out to your people and we'll take it from there. I'm sorry. My people are not reacting.

In other words, I was giving him a way out. Like, listen, guy, this isn't working. you know I've been telling I've been getting calls from agents and managers since January and I've told them all the same

they want to sign me they want to talk to me and I go look wait till this is all over wait till the piece to settle let's see who's let's see who the last man standing is

let's see who's still gonna be standing and then we'll make up our fucking minds but in reality I'm just trying to just to figure out everything of where I want to go and what my next move is I have an idea I have an idea and I have a plan that's going to work but this TV thing obviously doesn't look like it's working you know you you have to have 20 ideas for two of them to work you're not just going to go at me with one idea and this is going to work they're not if it doesn't work you need to you know so with me I had like

the NFTs a TV show I got the mugs coming by the way the mugs got pushed back again yes, the fucking Friday The reason why I had to stay home was From 1 to 3 Because we were going to get the mug delivery And I'm fucking I sat here and my wife calls and I go I've been here for fucking all day

The mugs didn't come She goes no we just got an email The fucking mugs got pushed back To like June 15th So I'm sorry if you're waiting for mugs I'll get them to you Before the end of the fucking month Anyway

So I just pitched this guy 40 minutes On why we should just give this a breather Or he should take this to his people I go, we got nothing going on here. There's nothing here. Do you know what this guy said to me at the end of the conversation? He goes, I think I'm going to, I go, just move on with it and take it to your people or find somebody else. And if I find somebody, I'll do the same.

But what we're beating ourselves up, and this is, I saw people doing this in LA constantly. this was something I would do yeah 97, 98, 99 when I first got that but I haven't lived by that I'm the type of guy that no is no move on what are you doing what are you doing they're not going to help you they don't want to help us

what the fuck can you do so he says I go to him so just take it to you a guy okay who's Marky Warburg's guy that's a legit guy I go, that guy can help you. I get in the fucking car. He says to me, can I tell you one thing? He goes, I think I'm going to reach out one more time to CIA.

So right away, I'm like, what did we just fucking talk about? I go, what the fuck did we just talk about for the last hour? And then he says to me, and I have two other questions for you. And I go, what? And he goes, what character do you see yourself playing? And I go, none. I don't want to be involved in this. I just want to be a co-creator and get a check once a week.

I don't want to be behind the camera. I don't want to be on the set with those fucking pitoes all fucking day. I just don't want to fucking do it. I just don't want to fucking do it. And then I thought, you know, after somebody says that to you, you're like, okay, obviously this guy. He says to me, who do you see playing your mom? and I'm like, brother, if we can't get an agent on the phone,

who do you see playing my mom? So I got out the phone with him, and I did a bunch of stuff, and I went out with my wife, and then the whole weekend, you know, Saturday I wake up to fucking four canceled parties except for one kid party. But that's not the point of the story. The point of the story was, I thought, was that's the desperation that I wanted to get away from.

Who have you thought to play your mom? These are the steps that whenever I would have meetings with people and they would go up to, like, let's keep it to step one. Let's get it pitched first. Let's get dates to pitch it first. You know, let's get a date with ABC, NBC, Fox, Netflix, CBS, you know, Hulu, And then in that room, you decide. But until then, why are we getting...

I remember going to a meeting with a guy about an animated show, and he was already talking about stuffed toys to sell. We haven't even pitched a fucking show. We don't even know where the show is, and he already contacted people for fucking stuffed toys to sell stuff toys. And I'm like, this is what's called desperation.

A desperation that I didn't mind leaving. A desperation that I left behind years ago. and a desperation that I needed to get out of because this is what it does to your fucking mind. Who do you see playing your mom? Are you fucking retarded? You can't even get a guy on the fucking phone. Why would I even think of,

why would I mind-fucked myself like that? And this is what I'm talking about, mind-fucks. Mind-fucks will take you down quicker than fucking drugs, gambling, alcoholism. Don't let yourself get mind-fucked, especially if you're in the business. Don't think of plans Z. Let's just worry about fucking plan A.

And that's it. That's the motherfucking Memorial Day podcast. I'm happy you motherfuckers listen. I'm going to go out now and find myself a few barbecues and go enjoy my day and get this week going off on the right foot. I don't want you to think because I'm not smoking lately that I'm not dosing motherfuckers. I had a great week last week, dosing a few motherfuckers.

I had to dose my nephews. you, I went up to North Bergen. Listen, I go up to North Bergen very rarely, but when I do go up there, I have a great time. You know, I hate the traffic up there, and I hate driving along all the you know, I never drive past 76th Street. I always stick up north. I never, you know, I, this week I actually stopped at the fucking cemetery and got spooked again. I didn't bring any flowers. I just brought one of these little fucking candles I have. And I have, and I have, and I, I, little candle for her and I looked for that fucking low mower guy

and I couldn't find that cock sucker on Wednesday I'm going to find them I gave him a fucking yardstick and he didn't never cut my mother's lawn that fucking fuck sorry people I get so fucking pissed at him how dare you and then I went up to fucking see my

nephew Nick I had to drop some edibles on him he dropped a fucking edible on Mikey Chick and he dropped an edible on my man Tony from roses Let me tell you something. Rose's delicatessen and North Bergen is so fucking good. Because of my weight watches and my fucking, you know,

little faggy point system, you know, like last time I was, like, when I first went up there, he's got some sausage and pepper empanadas that'll put you on a different fucking planet. You understand me? He's got a fucking Italian sandwich, like a prosciute salami on wet muzzadel with the bread, that'll make you fucking salivate like a fucking momo.

You understand? That's how good it. He's got wise potato chips. He's got all this shit that'll fucking kill me that I fucking love. You know, I grew up at Hashways, so I never went to Rose. Now Hashways is dead and I don't feel so good myself. Roses is on fucking fire. So I went up there.

I saw one of my brothers that had him meet me there. I wanted to give him a little fucking reefer and a couple edibles. and I gave my nephew the heavy duty ABX. I gave him like three, and I think like three or four, and he gave him around to Mikey Chick and Tony and shit like that. But when I was sitting there, I was looking at the fucking menu.

Do you know they have a roast beef with wet mucoselle with fucking gravy that my brother was eating that I felt like grabbing his hand and eating the whole sandwich and his fucking hand? It looks so fucking good, But I know that between the cheese, I'll be constipated and the fucking, you know, sitting there, I'll be fucking,

I can't eat that shit because I'm so fucking guilty. I'm such a half of fucking fruitcake anymore. But I just wanted to let you guys know I'm not a half of fruitcake. I'm still dosing motherfuckers with three hands. You understand me? My nephew called me that night telling me that fucking, he had to call his friend there is to pick him up at the mall because he couldn't drive home.

I'm like, I did my job. I made my, I made his day. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great day. Have a happy Memorial Day. I'm sorry. If the weekend was shitty, my weekend was not shitty. I just, hey, it was fucking rain.

That's it. Who gives a fuck? COVID is over. You were free to go out. You were free to fucking barbecue with an umbrella. You know, it was all up to you. It's so crazy. COVID is like, fucking, when I was in the halfway house.

when I went to the fucking it's the truth man I hear that one let me tell you what happened there's restaurants all around here and there's restaurants half hours from here and hours from here I told you about that restaurant

it's like a half hour from my house I love it it it's called the fucking doesn't matter they have the fucking they have the prime rib sandwich there so I'm always scared

when I go there because one time I went there like in fucking January and there was a line out the door in COVID and then it was fucking 40 degrees hot whatever the fuck it's called it's great the prime rib sandwich is great so when I got my COVID shot

I went there and treated myself to the fucking me and my buddy went there and got the brass rail and got the prime rib sandwich all with a little horseradish cream on it and you get yourself a baked potato with no fur or you just get the salad I get the salad

but it's tremendous either way. So every time somebody invites me there, I'm always scared because it's going to be fucking packed. So when I went there with my man, Frankie and I was Thursday night, me having this kid win. It was the boy's night out. And then his wife, his daughter,

my wife, and my daughter went to a different restaurant. They had pizza and shit like that. But when I got there, I had a mask on, and the owner looked at me, And he goes, do me a favor. I go, what? He goes, take that fucking thing off. And I go, thank you.

I go, fuck. He goes, COVID is dead in Jersey. I go, I thought it was Friday morning. He goes, nah, I just decided it was tonight. I go, okay. So I sat down. I had my little prime rips. I had my little fucking fraud diablo.

And as I'm walking out, he goes, how was everything? I go, it was pretty good. Thank you for always. And I go, hey, man, how come this fucking place isn't packed right now? now it's 90 degrees the sun is out i go you're fucking balcony is empty what the fuck is going on here and he's like you know last thursday you couldn't even fart in here he goes it was packed wall to wall i had to throw people out i couldn't let them sit you know people wanted he goes i even had people that came and were outside drinking he goes i was scared i was going to get in trouble

but he goes now that they lifted the bank you know went It's like we're kids. When we get punished, we need to get out. We need to get out. Now that we lift the band, nobody wants to go out. Oh, I'll just eat at home. So it was so weird. COVID's like the halfway house.

When I was in the halfway house, I wasn't allowed to do coke, and it's all I ever wanted to fucking do, right? You're not allowed to do drugs. All day, you're walking along like, I can't wait to do drugs. I can't wait to do drugs. Once they restrict that, once they lifted that,

I didn't walk around and want to do drugs anymore. So it's the same fucking thing with our mind with COVID. Like, they didn't let it. this out. Now they're letting us out. We're like, ah, I'll fucking pass. Anyway, I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

Enjoy you the rest of your memorial day. Hopefully you guys didn't get rained on your beautiful week. And no matter what, it was a great weekend, and it's going to be an even better week. Have a great week. I love you, cock suckers. Thank you for all the support. And

we'll see you fucking Wednesday. We'll see you in June, Cocksucker. Love you, stay black. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors. All right, you dirty cock suckers. I want to thank you for being a part of the Memorial Day. I was going to do a whole fucking, you know, a Memorial Day thing.

Don't worry. The day is still young. I might surprise you today. So keep your eyes open on Instagram and all that shit. I got to get a little fucking Navy suit and give you a little fucking attention and a little national anthem. But before I go, I want to give a word out to our beautiful sponsors.

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Have a great day.