The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 07/03/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #94

Episode Date: July 4, 2013

Comedian Ari Shaffir and Edible maker Auntie Dolores both call into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is brought to you by Hulu Plus. Vist huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 07/03/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, S&L, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. You got to say that with some bass in your voice, Cucket. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's the day before the fourth. July 3rd, it's going down.

That squad Nashville is barbecuing, fucking marinating. You should be doing the same role here, smoking reaper. It's a beautiful day to be alive. A little children of the motherfucking grave. Because at the end of the week, that's all we fucking really are. Keep that motherfucker lead. Hit it! Go Lee.

You can't wiggle to this lead. This is Black Sabbath. It's only when you stab you with my fucking wadden. This isn't wiggledger. This is like a something else Oh shit Oh shit

Oh shit Oh shit That's how to be And pushed around And told not what to do Are you fucking kidding me Or what The 3rd of July

You got the world by the ball Some he's got to work Some of you don't have to work Lee got a mysterious fucking job interview at 3 30 Yeah because my job's ending Here we go 3 30 on the day before the fucking

floor after 12. Because I'm the fine dude. They open it up for whenever I want. You're fucking pissing me the fuck off. You got more jobs in the fucking Jamaican. Every two weeks. It's TV. Jobs' ends. You smoke enough refers, ma'am?

No, no. Going to San Jose with you, I haven't done nearly enough reefer. Get an earseman. Let's hit this motherfucker. This is the strong shit. I respect for no organic staying open. They defied the odds. They got a license. They're staying open. They got the fucking Cheever choosing. I took a nice chiba chew this morning already to start the day off.

No wonder why you're all wild up. Sure. You got to start the day off with chibo choo and fucking corn flakes. That's how the real pimps do it. But I didn't take the strong chibo chie. I took the one with the pain relief from my. They're all strong. No, they're great. They're all strong.

This one's a little milder. It just soods into the pain relief. It's got the can ofoids, the whole fucking thing. You know how we do it, though? We ain't time to fuck around. You know what I'm saying? No, you don't. That was one of my favorite because you call me.

We've talked about this. You call me about at least once or twice a day. And sometimes you'll call me back within like five minutes. And I picked up the phone the second time yesterday. You're like, dude, sometimes I get fucked up. I forgot why I wanted to call you. I got a lot of shit on my mind. You know what I'm saying?

I was dying for like 10 minutes. It's a beautiful. What are you doing for the fortly? I'm just hanging out with the girl. That's what I had. You bring a little brought over. You're going to tie her up and let her on fire. Absolutely.

What? What are going to cook for? I don't know. What do you want me to cook for? Chicken piccada. If I had told you that I was going to cook chicken pucata for a girl on the fourth, you'd be like, what the fuck you're doing? It's hot dogs and hamburgers.

It's been that way since 1776. That's right. Chicken paccata. What are you talking about? You want to impressively. What kind of music? What's going on with these fucking flying jews you're going to see? I got a note yesterday.

Somebody went to see him in Seattle. Okay. At the gorge for the something festal. Okay. Fight broke out. Fucking Israelis. They got the video. Drugs.

He goes, tell Lee to make sure to take the Molly with the girls. We got some Molly for you. Oh, they go crazy. I brought a nice call for you last night. I got in a Molly, look what else I got today. Somebody in San Jose gave me. Oh, shit. Fucking Kuelu.

This is the original. I got a four-pack here. The smallest bottle of everything. It's like a joke bottle. It's all you need. This is all you need. A little Kuelu for you. And how many of you?

those would you take? You take one with a couple beers and you fucked up. And that's the Lucy Snorkeler. These are the ones. The Rora 714. There was two types of quaila. They were made by two farmers root company.

Lemon and Rora. R-O-R-R-R-R-R. They were made by pharmaceutical companies? Yeah, at first. Who did you think made the fucking guerrilla? I thought it was like whatever. People did them too at the house with the mold. But the original was lemon and Rora.

Oh, shit. I didn't know. Come on. Who the fucking thing? And Lily used to make tumulose tremendous. Fucking tremendous, those little capsules. The funny thing was, tumonels really is a very strong pain pillor,

like pain really. Okay. Back in the 70s. I'll tell you how I got them. It was the weirdest way. This kid's mother was dying of cancer. And that's what they gave her for pain, and she would take the pills and sell them.

She would? Yep, through her son. And that's how I used to get him. Why wouldn't, why wasn't you taking them? Because she knew she was going to fucking punch them. the ticket and she'd rather get $20 a piece with it in 1980 for him. Jesus Christ. So she'd get like

30 of them and she'd sell them for 20 bucks a fucking piece that's $60, right? $600. 600. 600. It's a good to you with you. There you fucking go, you know. It's funny how I was thinking about all that shit. You know, I was saying that

this week was the 28th years from when I left Jersey to go to Colorado and it was the beginning of a new life for me in essence. Yeah. And at that time, I was always, I always had police contact at least every fucking 30 days. Okay. I always had fucking police contact.

When you say contact, do you mean like arrested or just talking to you? Or arrest or take me down and question me from March of 83 to probably, no, from March of 84 to probably June of 85. I was arrested maybe 10 times. question fucking eight times. No, I still get nervous when I saw it. Like a door and asked me questions of where I was and my... And I would just fucking roll with the punches.

It didn't make you nervous? Like, I get nervous when I see a cop car driving close to me in traffic. No, because I knew I was involved with that type. You know, and they would come talk to me to see if they'd get something out of me, but at the same time, they would ask me stupid questions, whatever.

So when I went to Colorado, my main goal was not to have police contact. Okay. You know, it was like, Even when I lived with George from February of 80, or from March of 85 to June of 85, they never knocked on George's door. But what I did have was police contact on the outside.

I tried to rob an office building one time. They caught me two blocks away, but I had a suit on with a briefcase and paperwork, so they couldn't do nothing to me. They couldn't figure out. Why would this guy... I was looking for a job. I was applying for a job.

I wasn't trying to rob no place. So they let me go. Two days later, they probably found out I was trying to rob the joint. They seen the fucking thing, too late. I didn't have an ID. I always made up a story, you know. But it's really funny. I always tell people about karma and karma

is a motherfucker. In 85, when I went to Boulder, I didn't do shit. For 30 days, I didn't have police contact. Okay. And what happened was I was using these credit cards that my buddy was sending me. And I would get to the point that I can't even explain to you, like I would get so frustrated

that I would throw the cards out the window. Let's say I'm Woodman and Chandler. And I would go back a week land and get the cards out of the weeds and get them. I mean, it was just pathetic. I was using these credit cards. Okay. So I was using them all over Boulder in Louisville at the time, and I'd go

to Denver. I mean, I was fucking banging out credit cards. I was great at it. I had patience. I didn't rush it. I would always leave the store and come back, so I always had doubts. Like, I'd come in and say, I'm looking for a walkman, you know, like a high-powered walkman, and I wouldn't buy it

off the bat. I'd walk. I knew I was going to buy it, but I'd come back, so I'd go, what are you talking about? a Hops credit card and I was very good at it. The problem happened, I was stupid. Like most criminals, I was stupid. So I used that at this one mall. And that's like 30 days when they decided to get a job at the fucking mall. I applied that foot locker and I got a call back.

Wheaties. So I took this fucking job. Okay. And I started selling sneakers at Foot Locker. Was I using the credit card then? Maybe for big dinners. like $200 dinners and shit like that. One day this big lurchy cop comes in

with a police uniform on. And he said he wants to talk to me that was recognized. As a guy that I used a big amount of credit card at a jewelry store upstairs. And now I was working down here because they talk to me and they asked me a bunch of questions and I told them I didn't know nothing about it. If they could search in my pockets,

I don't even have credit cards. And they said, okay, we're going to come back and we'll look at some of the tape. They came back about three days later. him and another guy and they said that they saw me on the tape that they were getting the arrest warrant ready that I should come down with him I said you have an arrest warrant now and they go no I go I can come with it they said all right we'll be back that fucking Sunday the cop came back by himself this lurchy motherfucker and he says to me listen we didn't get the paperwork ready on Thursday but we're going to

come to you tomorrow I said what are you doing here today then he goes listen to be easy for you just come down turn yourself in we got to close clothing size on some of the clothes and they fit you. There's no way they can know that. Yeah, and I'm like, what the fuck do you think you're fucking talking to Lurch? Guess better. He comes to my fucking house that night. Jesus.

With a patrol car and he goes, listen, they're gonna come get you tomorrow. Just let you know, you might as well come clean with me. And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. If I would, I would leave by now if I was going to be, if I was guilty. They want to come talk to me, come talk to me, all right? See in the morning. I was climbing the door. I went in that pack my clothes.

I got the girl downstairs. I was dating her for a while and I said, listen, I'm going to San Francisco. She goes, I'm coming with you. We drove to the airport. We bought two plane tickets. I'm with him. One of the stolen credit cards.

And we went to San Francisco. Went to San Francisco. That's where my crime career started. I went to San Francisco. Then I went to Aspen. Then from Aspen, I got in trouble. I went to Boulder. In Boulder, I started hanging out.

I kidnapped that Vela kit, that fucking moron Vela with Kidwell. And what do you think happened? Wanted to jail? What you think? What do you think with the arresting officer was what? No way. He was the detective now. Two years later.

You know this fucking moron sat there prosecuting me for nine months, never put two and two together? Really? That I had raped him on a fucking credit card. and the guy took it personal like he took the kidnapping case person there's two types of cops cops that do a job for a living

and they'll make it personal and there's another thing there's the cops that you see high-fiving like when you see him we we sealed we arrested John Gotti today the Teflon Don is over those type of fucking cops

they could suck my dick they think like you know they did something major they just put a fucking hole in the wall and some of the hole opened up you know what I'm saying so why you just put You just covered one hole in the dike,

but another fucking hole in open dight. Yeah. So you might walk around with this eagle. You arrested this guy if you didn't do dick. So one thing, and I have a lot of love and respect for cops, is that there's two types of cops. There's cops that are doing a job. Then there's the other cops that think, like, they high-five.

Like when they fucking put the thing at Mars and they were high-fiving and that's all those fucking nerds. You're fucking high-five with a blue shirt on. You know what I'm fucking impressed. I've never liked that shit, that gay. Look at us. We did it. We did nothing.

You were sitting on the fucking couch. We did. So it's funny, I got hated me. Sepa, Dave Sepa fucking hate him. He's still a cop. How do you remember these names? You got to remember those type of names. Jesus.

Because you got to remember the face and place. You got to blast all these motherfuckers one day. It's really weird. Sometimes I'll think of a name of somebody that I've been thinking about for two or three days. And when I laid on that night in my sleep, bang. It comes to me.

Oh, naturally. Now, I've, I, since I'm not, it just doesn't, we, we talked about this in San Jose, how I didn't understand how Aaron Hernandez could get a $40 million contract and still do that. When you said you wanted to go to Colorado and not get police contact, but you're going everywhere using stolen credit cards, like to me, a Jew who's never, like, it's a walking nantra, whatever they say. I'm a walking contradiction. You you I was trying to Not have police contact

I was trying just to beat the cops That's what I should have said Okay you you weren't you weren't gonna go clean You just didn't want to have them bother you Absolutely okay That was my goal I wasn't thinking of going clean I wasn't gonna do drugs I wasn't do When I moved to bowl I was six months clean from cocaine

I wasn't doing blow I was smoking a little bit of weed I was drinking from time to time But I wasn't doing blow that I didn't start doing blow until 87. 86, 86. I just knew it was time to stop. I ended up homeless.

I ended up in a bad situation. I just didn't like what it would do to me. I was stupid, but I wasn't that stupid. I knew that it was the root of a lot of my fucking problems, along with, you know, sometimes you have a problem that's going on, an issue, an issue in the back of your mind that it's eating away of you and you drink alcohol and you smoke pot

to relieve the issue or the pain or whatever the fuck's eating away but then you throw a certain drug on that motherfucker and it's like fucking alcohol on a fire you know it's like gasoline on a fire

and cocaine had that type of energy mixed with what I was feeling it was perfect they were perfect for one another it's like a storm you know there's different variables to a storm

when there's a hurricane you gotta get warm air and cold air and they meet don't they some shit like that and they spin around and you have a fucking hurricane or whatever the fuck I'm not a meteorologist but that that's the same thing

that goes on with human beings you know sometimes you had alcohol to it that takes that problem and turns into something else sometimes you have cocaine with issue I'm not saying a problem you have an issue your wife left you you lost a brother you're angry about something

you know your anger is from something you know sometimes when you die, if somebody dies, you go through different stages. And it becomes sadness to mourning to anger. You know, and you got to remember, okay, my mom died. That's cool. That's cool. I can live with that.

Anthony Balzano died in the eighth grade. Then my mom died, and I can live with that. So this is November 79. But then August of 80, one of my best friends died. That wasn't good. Dominic Spatiole, who's sister, is still tight with me. So at that point, my state of mind

with something completely... So that's three in less than two years? Less than two years. And I'm eating acid. I'm eating acid, which is helping me. Because it's breaking down the process. Acid breaks down the process in your mind.

It's like eating a mushroom. That's why I tell people. If you have a problem that's eating away in you, go get a mushroom. I'll get a mushroom, sit in your apartment, lock the fucking door. At one point at that trip, your mind is going to play out that hand. It's going to really play out that hand

And you're going to break that down You know, they say that all the great musicians wrote When they did it, the stones Not the stones, like the Beatles and all that shit I see it I see it, I see it, you know why eat edibles? Why? So I get to a level that I'm really fucked up on the THC

And I start giggling And I come out with jokes. That night, one of the funniest things to me That I've ever said that I laughed at myself Was when I said that you were the head of pornography And Orshman's you know I was sure. so high to say that because I was so out there.

I was so out there, so high. And this is the shit I have to write down at night. Like, I do great writing in the daytime. But after those edibles kick in at 8 or 9 o'clock at night, you expand your mind, you know, you lower your inhibitions. It's really weird. I used to be a salesman on the phone. And during the week, I could sell.

But something was wrong. I can make 2,000 a week selling. I'm not bad. Like Danny B. that calls in with salesmen, with natural salesman. When I did cook the night before and drank, if I did coke until about five or six and then went to work at seven, I'd sell a bunch more. You know why?

Because I was unconscious. I didn't know what I was saying. It's amazing. The days I had really good days, it was because of the night before. But once I started getting high for the purpose of that, then I didn't sell shit. I thought I was just so tired.

But if you don't think about something, you're unconscious. You go back to your memory muscle, your muscle memory. Is that why you, like, you always seem to say if you're doing a weekend of comedy, the last two shows, your last show is always the best one. Is that why? Because you've done it and you're like, it's more like memory.

Like, you're not thinking about the jokes anymore. I'm thinking about them. You added the tags. You had to add to them. You're a lot loosed than Thursday. If you listen to Thursdays set from last week in Saturdays, it's two different worlds. Yeah, yeah.

Thursdays ain't bad. What we thought wasn't bad. Once you listen to Sally's, it's fucking bad. Thursdays is bad You know what I'm saying You're like oh That's what happens When I don't go out during the week

You forget those tags You forget little things Your body movements That's why you have to work out You have to stay loose during the week Okay But you saw Friday I was a different person And by Saturday

I was a complete different comic That's crazy Yeah You know Thursday I'm more chatty What do you mean More chatty My actor is more chatty It's there's more waste

there's this and that because Thursday night I look at a notebook and everything I've been making notes of during the week I throw up there just as a throw-up some people write full joke

some people will go you know what did I fucking see last night that was interesting I saw something and some people will take that write it out and write the joke I'll take that subject

throw it out there without a punchline so I'll force myself to say a punchline I'll write that punchline down when I go home and from there I write. Okay. Because I was forced under the gun. Under the gun, I'll never write that fucking joke.

We were talking about the gay guys last week when I said gay marriage passed. I'm very happy. But don't fucking come crying to me. You know? Yeah. When kids say, you're my daddy married my uncle.

It's a bunch of craziness. It's the same shit. I wrote that joke on stage. Now I can tag it offstage because now I have a direction. You know what I'm saying So that's that's what happens Okay

Who the fuck knows about Where's some music for me What time it is What time it is Bitches It's a beautiful day to be alive It's a day before The motherfucker for it

Hiddily Oh shit Old school fucking Aerosmith Tremendous Just to keep you going On a Wednesday morning By the way This is the last Wednesday morning

We do We're taking the Wednesday show Until the afternoon It's killing me What? Oh No we're doing it Because it's awesome.

We're not doing it because we're tired. No, no, no. We're doing it switching around. Mondays will be early and get the week started. Yeah. Wednesday will be in the afternoon. We're doing two live podcasts a month. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Leigh, kick it. Kick that motherfucker. A little something for Boston. Still, my hopes and praise. I never forgot what happened. Hit it! Oh, shit.

Worrying by the things and nobody wears. Oh, shit. I'll say you said maybe a little of a year. It's a fucking jam, Jack. We forget how fucking great this song is. Aerosmith was a fucking monster. Please, get those early five albums. You cannot go wrong.

What are they cautioned out of five dollars on fucking... Hit it. What were these guys taking? They should keep taking it. I forget this what album this is. This is maybe poison. I don't even fucking know. You never read the book?

No. Erosmith. They would blow your mind. doing a lot of fucking heroin. And the singer and the guitar player weren't talking. You had to live in the house all together in Boston.

Yeah. And they would have to fill out a piece of paper like sign up by sheet. So at 7 in the morning, Brad Whitford and the drummer would go downstairs and play the fucking drums and the bass or whatever the fuck.

The guitar. And they would lay their tracks down. It's from Toys in the attic. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with here? You know what I'm saying? Those are great albums that I grew up on. I play for years.

I just leave the album on the whole fucking side. Tremendous. Erasmith's tremendous. Remember, they did it all without Twitter and fucking Facebook. They did it all by word of mouth. That means you had to call your cousin in Boston and go, hey, when this band Erasmith comes around. Take the $8 and go down there and see what life is all about.

That's crazy. I mean, when I grew up, did they have strawberries where you were? It was like a music store? Strawberry here. And they had like a list of the concerts coming to town. Like even that was cool. You didn't have that? I didn't have strawberries.

I had my own mind. You know, man, we had the radio, and then we had the fucking... And yeah, we had a things from England. There was a shot called things from England that sold you... Look at Lee. Hold that smoke in, Lee.

God damn it. Look at you. There you go. So you've been juicing cheeseburgers? What you've been eating lately? I fucked up a little bit. What did you go to McDonald's? No.

What happened? That's good weed. Oh, this tremendous. We were the best for my fucking little nephew leaves I had. There's a place by where I work now. It's kind of like the China deli you go to. It's like this quick little Japanese tariaki place, and I went there a couple days this week,

and as I was leaving today on the window, it had a B health rating. I was like, fuck, I can't go there again. It tasted fine, but I don't know. Fucking the B scared. What did you? I had chicken terriaki. With steam rice and a salad? Yep.

With the little juice juice on the fucking salad. Like they always have like, you know, a nice little salad dressing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was delicious. It's not bad. No, a B means that maybe they left a towel out or something. You know, that's what it means. It doesn't mean.

It's scary. A C or D means you're a filthy motherfucker. But you see this what pisses me off. Remember, when the health department comes to check them, they tell them they're coming. Yeah. So how can I tell you I'm coming and you still fucked up? Yeah, exactly. I don't understand.

But sometimes the B is because you did something. Maybe you didn't have the chicken in the right temperature. You shit blood? No, not yet. Then you're okay. And they try to sneak it by me. Like, you know how most of the time they have it in the lower right-hand corner? This was the top left of the window, so I didn't see it.

And then I got in my car. I was like, what the fuck? You like going into all these weird places. You'll drive and see a place and think it's okay. I don't do that shit. I normally, I mean, it's right next. I've worked down there for a lot of. like six months, so.

But then somebody at work tell you was delicious and nutritious. No. So why the fuck would you go in there? I see a thousand fucking places that I could pull over them, but nobody told me. I don't know.

I mean, sometimes I'll do yelp, but sometimes you're... Yelp! Yeah, what the... And believe some fucking mook that had the time to put on the fucking computer and I had a sandwich there.

Get the fuck out of here. It's usually pretty accurate. You could tell by a fucking life. What is that I mean? I don't go nowhere when I haven't heard nothing about. So what are you doing? the world then nothing i don't fucking eat i go with my gumbas fucking go

did you see rogan last night he posted on twitter i'm going to san francisco what's a good place to eat your gumbas will tell you and how's that different one yelp listen he knows there's two or three people that he's friends with on twitter that are eaters and they know what he likes it's like i have a friend that's a movie guy if he calls me tells me to go see a movie i go see his movies because i understand him he understands me i don't believe some fucking white dude on ABC news that tells me fucking Iron Man is good that's never going to fucking happen

I don't know him and these fucking idiots walking around here would you trust one of these guys with a food suggestion? No but there's a couple people that they come to me like Steve Simone Yeah he told me about this fucking deli Oh yeah he keeps telling me about him Yeah that's the dude he's from fucking Philadelphia

And half his life is about food You follow me it's like eating from a fucking skinny chef Why would I eat food from a fucking skinny chef? You don't eat Yeah I'm a fucking hippie chef But sometimes you're out. Oh, no, sometimes nothing. Don't go into a place unless you know.

There's no possible way to live like that. Yes, there is. Because there's got to be one place that you do go into down there. And you know what their food's about. Going there. And then you ask those idiots at your job. You see what the fuck they eat. If they come in with a fucking chicken Caesar salad wrap from Subway,

niche that motherfucker from your life. Do you follow I'm saying to you? There's certain people you listen to it. If you see a motherfucker who comes in and takes the time And he has chicken cutlass and he breads him You go to that motherfucker and go listen I didn't bring anything to tell you where something good around here He takes care of himself

But some guy eats like a fucking mutt Like you see him with a subway sandwich I wouldn't listen to that fucking guy You eat subway sandwiching one just A Tuna, a six inch Tudor Once a fucking year It's a big difference than taking advice from somebody Who tells you a spicy Italian is the way to go

Do you understand I'm trying to say to you, dog? Yeah but I have Yeah, but what? When you're in Minneapolis and let's see how many friends there, you're going to go hungry because you walk around. There's a fucking... The internet's been around for 20 years. Hold on.

If there's a fucking fog with a child, you're going there. You know these people. Do you understand? It's better than some mom-and-pop fucking store where you go in, and they're picking their nose, fucking selling laundry on the side. Do you understand what I'm saying to you, though? Then you wonder why they got to fucking be ready.

Is anybody calling? Not yet. Jesus Christ on a crutch. So. that's what I'm trying to say to you don't go into it you don't know if nobody hasn't told you

why would you go in there oh because it looks good I had a friend that did that waste money take a chance at a fucking place if it's between me taking a chance at a place I go to China Deli and that's your phone

this fucking guy what's the problem I text you the number to call last well fucking look I buy this is why I got to deal with you

understand me I mean I I've never really been burnt by yelp it's usually been pretty good i mean so i i only go if there's like 8,000 reviews i don't go with two reviews if there's like 500 reviews and they say get the wings

i'll get the wings oh here what are these people that'll fucking review and eat i have no idea here's my man right here at least uh a rie shafir you bad motherfucker you're talking about food and going into restaurants you know i'm trying to lees said he went to some japanese lee said he goes into restaurants three days this week and on the way out last night

he saw the place had a be rating and he felt bad and I'm telling him that guys like you and me I only eat at places where somebody tells me they went down and it's good I won't just walk into a place closed because I like what the fuck they're saying on the walls or what the prices

or nothing. How many places have I turned you on until that have been tremendous when I give you a fucking yelp? When I give you a fucking thing and I go Ari I went there to eat make sure you go in there. Are they ever fucking bad? No. Fuck no. No it started with the walk. The walk on Ponsetti

and Melrose. 10 years ago. I live right there. Because I go for quality and value is number two. Yeah. No, I know. That's the place to go.

And I was like, dude, Joe told me where to go. I think I got to go. And I went there 90 times before I moved out of that place. It was delicious.

For six bucks, you'd eat like a savage. And then from there, we went over to China Deli in the valley. We went to, I've told you about a thousand places. Yeah, we've done,

because I always get you a lunch special. That's the most important thing. Yeah. They have a great lunch special. That's a good walkout too. It was like two and a half meal for one. I'm in charge of lunch special.

I know what it is to have eight bucks and to make it work for you. We don't have time to take eight bucks. Oh, well, they have Indian food. I ain't going in there. I'm telling him, you know, like if he talks to somebody at work and he goes to the cubicle and they're eating a fucking subway sandwich and they got a smile on their face, you miss that motherfucker from your life. You don't ask him for food advice.

You follow me? What's happening, Arri Shurie? I reach your fees in the food capital. Talk to me. What's going on? You've been there in a month now in New York. I've missed you. I've been eating in my apartment one time.

I've gotten delivery a couple times, but that's it. And it took the single meal in there. And it's delicious. Everything you eat. Yeah. Non-stop. They have this place. My little piggy has roast beef.

It's up until like 2 a.m. I go there on the way home. Roast beef sandwiches? Roast beef sandwiches with cheese with. They have these strommi sliders. with like gravy on it. It's really good. And what about Chinese?

You've been tearing up from Chinese? All right. Here's the problem with Chinese food in New York. It ain't great, man. Especially late at night. There's not that much. You'd think there'd be plenty. Even Chinatown.

There's one place open, and nothing delivers after two. I'm not a big Chinatown guy. I've never had been, man. Never have been. I don't know what the... I mean, I like the smells and the look to the place, but the food, it's just not...

Like what you said, in New Jersey, there's better Chinese food. I'm a chance dragging in guy. I judge everything on the pork fried fucking rice, the egg roll, the egg drop soup. If after that, they can't make it happen. We got nothing to fucking disgust. Yeah, it's all coming out of the egg roll. Simone was here, and all we wanted to do was to find a legit style egg roll. We went in Chinatown, meet him and court.

We walked around for 35 minutes. Just going, like, can we see your egg roll? and it was always that stupid like Thai kind and not the Chinese kind It looks like you have fucking herpes and general warts on it I cannot believe that that little skinny egg roll shit Is it passed to the East Coast If I went to a restaurant on the East Coast

And hit me one of those skinny fucking veggie egg rolls I'd snap like a fucking twig right in there Man before I left I was nothing so substance I swear to God Irish Afri I'm gonna make you fucking drool Before I left Every time I would steal I would go to 33rd Street

They used to be a restaurant that was there for years called Billy Hungs. They used to have a picture of my real father up on the wall there. Did you know that? Really? Him and all the Jews used to go in there after a heroin score and fucking go crazy. And when I was a kid, I'd go in there three, four, five. Oh, well, at the time I was 20. And their specialty was a lobster egg roll.

Oh, $33. Oh, what? $33 for a lobster egg roll. but it was a meal that lasted you for a fucking night $33 fucking delicious I'm talking about a fucking

I'm talking about a lobster tail huge wrapped with a fucking egg roll I'm talking about a meal you understand Oh no no this was tremendous But still my best All-time pork fucking egg roll is Chan's dragging it

That's the best one Is that what George got me? That's where George got you That to me When I was shooting down and dirty and he came to the hotel. What a nice guy. Came all the way to the hotel.

And bought me an egg rolls and pork fried rice. It was fucking good. I thought I was just taking it as a favor. I was like, all this guy is nice. Let me just take it. I'll eat two bites. It was good. And they give you the good duck sauce.

Not that red shit they give you out here. They give you that good duck sauce. You dip it in the duck sauce and the fucking hot mustard. And you eat that mustard. Oh, my God. Delicious. Last one, when me and Lee went, two years ago

I brought four egg rolls back to my room that night do you know that every time I get up to pee I take a bite out of the fucking egg roll even if it was cold just out of respect because I knew I would never eat an egg roll like that out here ever fucking again

oh wow and I have to take a trip down there just to go for that oh no no just tell George to pick you up on the other side just let me know when you want it and I have George pick you up on the other side and take you

there's two places on the other side that if you're living there you got to try definitely change dragging in and there's a place Ari that I'm scared to tell you. This is how good it is. Because this is how good it is. That's how good it is. My friend said

the other day, I spoke to my buddy who's a longshoreman, he said the other day he had to go down there. It's a horrible place to go though. That's the problem. There's no parking. You have to take a bus there and really enjoy it. They only make Cuban steak sandwiches,

Cuban milkshakes and Coca-Cola and iron beer. That's all they sell. The Yankees... Cocoa and what? Coch-co and what? Iron beer? The Cuban Coca-Cola. But the main thing they sell, they only sell one thing, is Cuban steak sandwiches. But they put the French fries in them

with the fucking cooked onions. Jesus fucking Christ. It's called Dos Emanos Steak Sandwich Place. The Yankees, when they practice in the city, like when they practice in the Bronx, two of the Yankees live in the Guttenberg. They go. over and they get 30 fucking sandwiches

and they bring them into the city. That's how good the steak sandwiches at Dos de Manos. Dosa Manos? Yeah, George will take you. And you also have to go to 70th in Manhattan and get some Cuban Chinese food. That will probably, after you have the Cuban Chinese food,

you will probably never come back here again because that's a Jews paradise. They fucking love it. I'll tell you whose favorite restaurant that is Henry Winkle, the Fond, lives on 70th and Broadway and he was telling me that whenever he's in the year he goes, I take the fucking plane

he goes, I have the limo driver from the airport stop at the Cuban place, the Cuban Chinese place and get me food and then go home. And that's those are models or something? No, no, that's right in Manhattan on 71st Street by Sussmans by stand-up New York up there. Ask around. There's a Cuban Chinese place

on the corner, 71st and Broadway, something like that. Okay. I don't know what it's called. Yeah, when you can open up a Cuban Jewish food place? Who? You? Listen, bro, if you have the Cuban chicken soup in Fort Lee, New Jersey across, you'll see the similarities with the matzabal.

Bro. It's so fucking good. It's so fucking good. When it's real chicken, when they take the bones out before they give you the chicken soup, it's so fucking real. Oh, my God, but a Cuban fucking, can you imagine a pastrami sandwich of black meat? and rice we'd be killing motherfuckers oh my god killing motherfuckers why don't they have that oh my god a pastrami sandwich with fucking black beans and rice and fried

bananas and press oh oh my god in fact I'm going for Cuban food today I'm meeting Rudy Sarzo this the guitar player over at Creoyo we're going to lunch he just got back from tour with Ivey Monstein or whatever the fuck and he sent me an email we're going over to get some Cuban food in Burbank across from from Costco there but yeah they got some Cuban Chinese food in Manhattan two people have told me

when I did you know who was talking about it when I did Children's Hospital Fond was talking about it with some other actress that's big time and she said that she goes there three fucking times a week when she's in Manhattan because she lives around the corner she goes it's a white and they're both white these are white people

I'm telling Ari I'm telling you when you go into this fucking Cuban Chinese place. For starters, do not go in there high. Do not go in their high because when you see a Chinese Do not? No. No. Because when you see a Chinese person talking Spanish, you have never been

more freaked out in your life. When you see a guy that's shinier than fucking, when he's chinkier than Bobby Lee and he's talking Spanish like me. Oh yeah, that man out of the row. Go on a chuleta moha and you'll fucking die. When you see a Chinese guy talking in Spanish, you fucking die.

It's the worst adventure in your fucking life. So, Lee, take two minutes and tell my fucking other Jewish brother how strong the hash gooby bears are that we ate there. Oh, God, I had like, what was it? You said 200 milligrams? It's 200. You got four. Okay, there's three pieces. These are Los Guis?

Little smoothies. They call Los Guis Hermannos. And they're watermelon. It doesn't tell you, it says ish. But it doesn't tell you the amount of THC. also available in black cherry, lime, mango. Well, it was the most I had ever had. Two fucking 50 milligrams

of high-grade hash oil. That's what's in them. Now, I love my Cheeb-Bichuze. Ante Dolores has had a 500 milligram fucking brownie that will put you on another planet. You'll see Martians and Jimmy Hendrix and John Lannetton and Yokoan will suck your dick with a fucking captain's hat on.

But these fucking goobie beds, we're going to eat these motherfuckers right now. What do you think, Lisa? You take one and I take two of them. I got to go to the doctor. anyway. How many left you have? How many left do you have? None for you, cuck,

sucker. Nah, when are you coming back? I think I'm going to be the 5'1-11. Oh, they're not having some for you. Whatever that is, just for one day. They'll make a trip. I mean, they are so fucking strong. You take a you take a fucking Cheebo Chew and you mix it at one of these

gooey bids, they'll find you another planet. You'll wake up next to Buzz Aldrin and shit. Eat that motherfucker. You broke it in half. I did. Let me see the other hell. Keep the, no, no, come on, can't waste it. You got a kid coming? Wait, for, for scale, how much of those anti-Dolars peanut butter brownies? How much are those in them?

Well, I got a bag of shit right here. Those, like, 350 milligrams, how much of those? How much of those? Those kill me. Which ones? The peanut butter brownies, one that kind of have of the Russians are next to Ralph, and, um. Let me tell you, whatever. Let me tell you what I got in my travel bag.

I got Carmel Corn that leaves I eat a bag out before we leave. No, Jesus. All right, guys. All right, I don't know how you go on the road with him. I couldn't talk for two nights. I don't know how you do it with him. I couldn't talk. I could barely move.

I got an antedaurus 100 milligram bite. And I got the other medical cannabis, the mid-chalker-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-browny. I think they go around 80-90. but this tash roll listen that's the same people to understand they're obviously good

you don't taste it no the gummy berry you don't taste it you don't taste it it's really delicious I gave one to Eddie Bravo he was fucked up that's the night

fucking Lee got feather cheanie a frayto original Joe's I couldn't fucking oh yeah we went to original Joe's

yeah I went to hide to those fucking original Joe's oh you went yeah we three times in a row we went Listen, you know what else I got here in front of me?

I got a jar of quailudes. I'll save you one of these, too. All right. Somebody gave me a coelute three here. I've heard you tell somebody's stories about it. I've never seen a quailute in public. I'm going to take a quailure. Oh, well, you're a fuck.

I'll put you out. Yeah, I got four of them here. Me, you, Lee, and we'll split one in three ways and shit. We'll give it to a check. They used to call these leg spreaders in the 80s. I don't know if you still get the same results. But, so what's going on in New York? Tell me something good.

You're lifting weights. You're doing jumping jacks, what are you doing? Oh my God, this whole city is just fucking, it's like it's in the heat. Everyone is, the girls don't dress in anything. It's hot, so everyone has two tops on and mini skirts, a little short to show the bottom of your butt sheets. And everywhere you go, you just pass these girls in the streets, or you walk next to them for two blocks. So you just get a boner for a fucking daze. It's so, it's so hard.

Everywhere I go, I'm just filled with desire. and everyone is here. Then it rains, and you see a bunch of, like, hot girls and barely any clothes with, like, wet shoulders and hair. Oh, my God. I'm about to start masturbating in the subway.

So where are you right now? You're on the subway? No, right now I'm on the street. I have a girl sleeping on where I went outside so I wouldn't wake her up. So... They're doing construction of my place behind me. They started eating them morning.

That's why you called up this morning. You told me yes? Yeah. Yeah. I'll be able to sleep through it every other day. someday if I'm not heavy sleeping I'm not real good to it the buzz saw I can through that the nailing I had trouble with that you're steady noise what else is going on tell me what's cracking you're going on the road you're writing you're singing I met with

chill yesterday I got to get my answer by next week I like them I'm gonna shoot a special with somebody I don't know who yet but we're gonna make this happen Lisa you know the chill guys are cool even if you don't shoot them with them I'm still cool guys but um I'm just here for next two months for almost the all Almost all. In the city. At least to like mid-August. And then you'll come back here?

I'm trying to get in. I'll be back there September 12th and 14th, or 13th and 14th. I'm playing Gotham. Okay. And I'm doing Arnie Lang that Thursday night. So I'm going to get a hotel today in the city. I got to talk to George because I don't have to be there

until 1045 at night, so I'm not really going to walk around the city except one day I'm going to go to San Janeiro Feast and see how it looks. Oh, here? Yeah, so what I'm going to do is, I think I'm going to get a hotel in Fort Lee and have my buddies drive me in and pick me up at night and drive me back and I'll pay him or something like that.

Oh, right, well, then I can get your hotel while you're doing a show. They gave me an amount to get a hotel or use the plane tickets. They said that we don't really have a real truth. The Noges don't understand that. They say, well, they gave me, you know, $700 for a plane ticket. I could have used that all. No, you don't. Use 250 and then you pocket 450.

Use your head. Well, I'm going to, I got to fly in, though, too. I got to fly in to Newark, and then I'm going to go from Newark. I'll take it to this place after Artie's show. This is Mahmoon falafel next to there's one next to the cellar. What do they got? Chick-a-floples. Delicious.

What are falafels? What is falafels? It's ground chickpeas. It's deep fried. It's Middle East and food. Israeli Middle East and food. How about I hit you in the fucking head with chickpeas. I don't eat chickpeas, all right?

They got gyros? I'll eat a fucking gyro. That's my shit. It's an Israeli version of gyro. Swarma is the Israeli gyro. But what do they put? And they leave the chickpeas out. They put it straight to meat that just turns in a spit.

You know, the upright spit that just turns all the time. I feel like a heater. It's so fucking good. You can't have them put, it's best with hummus on it, but he won't eat hummus. I don't like it on my fucking table. I hate hummus more and I hate fucking ranch dressing together. Really? Oh.

You don't like it, though. The smell of fucking hummus drives me bananas. Especially when I'm on a plane and some fucking jerk off, whips it out. I want to fucking say something to him. You know, on a plane, everything smells different. A fart smells different. McDonald smells fucking different.

Everything smells different. I want to know. Who the fuck is buying severe ethnic food and saving it to the plane? A lot of people do that shit. A lot of people do that shit. fucking de Blay ocean stuff. Smells like my grandmother's asshole. No, I know.

It's fucking disgusting. They pull out that immigrant food from another nation. Listen, I went to a Cuban place in Tennessee last week. Eating at the gate. I got to tell you something. I fucking went to a Cuban place

in Lexington, Kentucky. I got to tell you, Ari, delicious. Ari, delicious. But they fried foods in there and oil. My clothes stunk was so fucking bad. I had to put them in a bag and put them in my luggage so they wouldn't stink up the rest of the dirty clothes.

Like, I had to take my luggage, open it up, and I've been being a kid and go, my, you've got to do me a favor. You can't cook with that oil no more. It's killing me. It's killing me. My stink of my neck. When I sweat, it's in my sweat. I hate that fucking ethnic oil. Comes out of you?

Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like it in my clothes. My wife makes pork chops sometimes. The house smells like that, I've got to look at it and go, all that stink for this fucking two pork chops. Not my clothes. stick. Pork chops overrated. No, listen, bro.

Here's the deal. You get nice thin. There's only two ways to eat a pork chop. You fucking get nice thin ones and put them on the grill and get some red beans and rice or you go to the Bronx

and get, listen, bro. Take a fucking train to Grand Crown Concourse, get your fucking phone out and find the Puerto Rican restaurant. Going there and get the red beans and rice with the fucking pork chop.

Nobody makes a pork chop. Nobody makes a pork chop like a Puerto Rican. And I tell you this, in a comical way. I tell you this from my heart. When I grew up, I grew up with Fernie Basasuto, and his mother was Puerto Rican, the father was Cuban.

The mother would make pork chops and put them in a brown bag over the refrigerator, like a burgle bag. They were fucking delicious. I would eat those things every time I go to Fernie's house. I would excuse myself and just go to the bathroom for fake just to steal a pork chop. His mother would say,

who ain't all the pork chops? I ate six, seven. Nobody makes a pork shop like a Puerto Rican, honey. And you got to go to Bronx to Arthur Avenue and get some fucking Italian food. Yeah, I haven't gone, I haven't gotten Puerto Rican food yet. No, you got to go to Arthur Avenue in the Bronx and get yourself a plate of spaghetti and meatballs

and call me right from the fucking restaurant. Where? Arthur Avenue in the Bronx. Arthur Avenue in the Bronx. That's where they still got the best fucking spaghetti. Tremendant. And you got to get a hold of fucking, what's his name? Burt Kreischer and Tombe get a hold of Adam Richmond for it.

you know Adam Richmond Adam Richmond? Yeah and you ask Adam Richmond anything You go Adam Richmond I'm looking for a fucking Vietnamese Jew restaurant You give Adam Richmond three minutes He'll find it for you in Jamaica Queens

They're still there Somebody's got some Some fucking Vietnamese guy Married a Jewish chick and opened up a deli I guarantee you But if it's there That kid Adam Richmond knows exactly Where it is

He knows this country Really good for food Adam richard Adam Richmond. But fucking the Brooklyn and the Bronx, he knows like the back of his fucking hand, to the point. He'll even say, what do you want your meatball? You want the meatball?

Or you want the meatball with the lamb and the fucking pork in it for flavor. You'll sit there and go, what are you talking about? That's how good at it. Wait, what are you talking about? What is that? Well, there's two, you know, there's people who make meatballs certain ways. So a lot of people use, like, meat and pork and, like, fucking a little bit of lamb to flavor. And then they make the meatball.

Some people just take fucking, you know, some white people just take a meatball with Italian breadcrumbs and dipping an egg and you know what I'm saying? So he has the fucking people who use the meat. That's how good he is about restaurant spots in New York City. Where are you doing most of your spots at? The stand on like 28th and 3rd. How is that called? It's like great food. They hired like they have an upstairs and down says, upstairs they got a bar.

But they hire like a chef to cook the meal. Like a culinary. Academy chef So the food is like It's not bar for it with like regular clothes It's like they have like Tuna tartar canolis It's just like nice food

And this bread pudding that's so good When I get high Oh I see that back table and shit Bring some desserts I'm already getting high on this fucking edible I swear to God Ari Sheffield Really? Yeah

Yeah But I was already a little high From the Cheebo chew this morning I have for breakfast Because they have a Cheebo chew that's a little lower Your second edible

Not even 7 a. Fuck, who the fuck It's the 4th of July? That's not fireworks Just in the sky I got fireworks In my head And my digestive tract

I got fire And I went to acupuncture yesterday So I feel bad I wasn't supposed to eat Edibles this week The show about the popcorn That's visiting me Before the July

So we have the popcorn tomorrow Really? You and watch fireworks Where are you going for the 4th My little Where are you going for the 4th, brother? Renazizi invited me over to Long Island

but it was late, so I think I'm just going to do this barbecue with this guy Wayne Raiders apartment. We used to both stand in New York and Boston Comedy Club. And so these barbecues, got a roof, so we can watch the fireworks on. So who's giving you most of the spots? The stand then? Mostly the stand, also a bunch of stand up to New York,

and then I do, like, little spots around, you know, Brooklyn, like one-night rooms, you know, the hipster rooms. I'll do some of those. People's places in bars. They have bars shows here, but they're not bars shows like in L.A. In L.A., they're just, you just go to some bar and you do comedy and there's always people that just want to drink and they're like

shut the fuck up they don't want to hear your comedy I always feel like I'm imposing on them but here they have separate rooms in the back of the bar so they close the door and it's got a whole separate area you're not imposing on anybody and they're actually pretty good they get like you know it's like a 30-person room you get 28 people it's things really packed good for you ari where should I take my special at Houston Texas that's not bad it I love you there. I mean, you're big in Texas. That's not a bad idea. Sacramento.

San Jose. San Jose you just went to, so you can't do it there. Can't do it where they all saw, everything you're going to do. No, so Houston. No, no, no. I'm not doing that stuff. I'm doing a whole new hour. Houston, they told me... For what?

October, November, from yes, from this last week. Because I taped the CD. Is it a new hour from what you did? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to go for... How? I don't know. We're going to go for it.

for it. In October? What are you going to do? Like, classical testament type of stuff? No, no, no, no. I'm going to go for it. I got a bunch of shit in a notebook that's just not developed that I've made little notes and I'm going to go for it. That's it. What are you going to do stuff you've been doing for months for? Just stuff that's been a year or more? No, I know how to work it out. I got this already half worked out, so it's pretty good. You know, when they offered this to me, I had a thing. I was like, well, maybe I'll take this hour and develop it until October. And I'm like, no, I'm not going to do that. It's already I've been doing this fucking hour since February, you know, and just in different situations.

Like I was telling Lee, when I went to Columbus, I was telling Justin, yes, I go, you know, Justin, when I went to Columbus this February, my stand-up was garbage. My stand-up was shit. Yeah, I was having some bad sets because when my wife had the baby, I took that time off. And it really affected me differently, and I didn't make notes. I was writing a book only, and I was writing shit about the holidays and stuff. I didn't really, and then I had to start all over again, and it was just weird how it would happen. I had this shit in a notebook.

You know, Ari, I got shit in notebooks that I've written that never looked at again. So I went back, and I took all these bits out, and I said, and all of some, bam. So it's not like I had to write an hour from scratch. I'm lying to you. You already had all the ideas. I probably got 20 minutes.

Yeah, I probably got 22 minutes right now, but once I take it on the road now and start stretching it and playing with it, It'll be an hour back to be October. Yeah, yeah. We'll be fine. We'll be fucking fine, you know. What about Bergen, then?

What about New Jersey? I got too many fucking knuckleheads in my hometown. They might start a fight and shoot somebody or shoot me. Who the fuck knows? Imagine getting shot at your own special. You'd have to leave it in. You've had to leave it in. People are really digging the storytellers,

the thing you did for comedy center. I'm getting a lot of fun. People are fucking threatening me. is yours coming out, fucking tell Ari to get it out there. I mean, people like fucking buck wild over this shit. Yeah, it looks good, man. Oh, I see them. They look

fucking. Hey, Ari, man, you started a thing. In two years, we're going to be like master storytellers. They're going to contact us to go into town and tell stories. Once upon a time, long, long, long, long time ago. Lived a skinny Jew with glasses named Irish to fear.

You've been going out for commercials or anything, nothing. nothing. It's dead. No, I had to tell Lawrence to introduce me. I forgot to get on him. Introduce me to know somebody out here at Avon's or something. Anyone who wants to help me up with. Yeah, I got to do it because I don't do shit something in the day. I just walk around and look at things.

I should go on an audition once in a while. Yeah, that's a good point. I'll call Lawrence. All right, we'll call Lawrence. And we'll go to San Francisco together in October, right? On November, we're going to fucking St. Louis together. October 10th. Yeah.

So we're going to San Francisco. Francisco together. Are you going to be in out in New York, September 12th through the 14th? Let me look. I think it well. I think it well with the weekend, right? Yeah, if you're home, let's make it happen. You will go with the chance. You're not home? 14th. No, I'm in Wisconsin. Where at in Wisconsin? Madison. That's a good room. Yeah, the state theater, I think, or something like that.

Yeah, that's a good room. Who are you doing that with? It's me. What's a good room? Somebody from Wisconsin, I don't know Yeah, I've heard about it So I'm excited to go So you're going to be here

That would be fun I'll see you in Boston With Rogan Are you going? Yeah, I'm going I'm going I switch my dates I'm shooting a movie in New York

And I'm going to shoot right from New York To Boston I'm going to do the room with you Some fucking three days I had to move Michigan around And then from there I'm going from Boston To San Jose to do that

94 jam special up there in Mountain Air with Russell Peters and Angela Johnson Oh you're going to straight from Boston to San Jose? Yeah, I'm not watching the fights I'm not going to stay for the fights. Those are good fights too The fight card wasn't that good

No, it looks good It's Rua against Chale Chale. Against Sonny. Give it the fuck about that. You know what? I like to see Sonny got another fucking beating for his marriage there

I got a home with a fucking black guy. Well, I love you, Cocksucker. Don't forget about me. People are loving the story thoughts. I'll save you a Quilute. And when you come out next Friday, I have a Goobie Bear for you. Is I good a place for it?

Yeah, when you come out next Friday, I have a big bear of Goobies for you, and I have some fucking tremendous Cheebo Chews. They got the new one for pain relief now. Did you know that? For what? Pain relief. So here's you, the cabinoids,

and it's got these fucking cannaboids. Yeah, whatever the fuck. You know what I'm saying. Don't forget about me. I love you. Thank you for calling today, Cucks a sucker. You're going to give me a problem. party bags, full of drugs. I love it.

Don't forget to go get the Cuban Chinese food. Oh, I'm going up there. And I'm going to call George today and see when he can pick you up next week. I have George pick you up at Port Authority and Wee Hawking. Or you take the, have you taken the ferry yet to West New York or over the Jersey? I haven't picked you up. You know, but it's like the tram. You ever take the tram to Roosevelt Island?

Good, huh? Pretty fucking good, huh? Yeah, cool. Yeah, you get up there high, you see the whole city. Yeah, you take the... Nobody knows about it. You go to 48th Street there, and you take the fucking thing over to the Jersey side, not the Hoboken. Put the North Bergen where the plane landed over there, the U.S. air, and I'll have George pick you up on the other side and take you to Dosa and Monos. I talked to him today.

Then he'll take you to a chance, get you some egg rolls to take home, and then he'll put you back on the fucking bus. All right, we got to switch over. I love you, cock sucker. All right, bye, bye, Joey. Bye, Lee. What's up, you sexy savage? How are you? We go from one sexy Sabbaths to the other. What's happening, beautiful?

How are you? You know me? Still recovering from the weekend. We just ate some gooby bears for breakfast. I'm going to eat some fucking caramel corn here to get the sugar to the next level. It's 706 in the morning, Joey. That's the best time to fucking eat an edible. 7.06.

Who wants to eat it edible at 2 in the afternoon? You do. Well, that's a two. We got to eat one down. You know, Anthony Dolores is on the fucking phone. How are we going to get that shit together? What's up, beautiful? Auntie Dolores, I got to tell you something.

After you left, after you left, a couple people came over for me and said, who was that girl? She was fucking hot. You had a couple fans there that night, Auntie Dolores. A couple guys were looking at you. They said you were banging and shit. Oh, that's very sweet. I'm like, don't be talking about Auntie Dolores like that to me.

They were saying all-sexual Nintendo's and shit. Lee was talking shit about you, how hot you were. I was too hot at talk. and he came over with him. He goes, where's Anthony Dolores go? I didn't say shit. No fucking lie to me. You told me she was hot-coxed.

I was high during the first show, and I went outside to get some air, but it was too hot out to get. Like, you wanted to be cold. It was like 80 degrees. I was freaking out because the doors locked to the club, and luckily she was going to the bathroom or something and saw me and let me in,

and I couldn't even say thank you. God damn it. Because he gave me... You had a very nervous look on your face. He gave me one of yours. He gave me one of yours. He gave me one of your... of yours and then a gummy bear

and expecting me to be fine and even you said you're like the queen of edibles even you said that's too much I don't think this is good I gotta tell you some there's some very good edibles out there in the market and I love getting high I don't like drinking I don't like doing drugs but

I got to tell you some anti-delores you're fucking brownie is so good are you talking about the fudge cake the 500 bite I'm talking about the fucking 500 bite yes we're talking what the fight? That din is so yummy. You know how I do it, right? I eat the top layer off first, like a little kid, and then I

save the guts for later, because the guts is what the good shit is at. Like, so when I get up in the morning, I eat the top layer, like a little kid, and then by one o'clock after my meetings is done, and I go home, I take a look at the baby, she's with water, and I eat the rest of those fucking guts, and I drink a big thing of water. Oh, my God.

By six o'clock. Please keep your edibles away from the baby. Oh, no, I keep them in my mom. No, I keep them in my own room. I keep the edibles locked. Oh, my God. When I hear edibles and baby in the same sentence, I immediately go into it. Sometimes the crumbs... I'll tell you what, the fucking

crumb hit the floor and dimmy ate it. That motherfucker slept for 18 hours straight. I was poking him by the fucking refrigerator. I was kicking him. And he was passed out. I got a cat that loves chocolate. You know, they're not supposed to eat chocolate. This thing fell, and this motherfucker ran from my, Demi.

None of him. He ate that. And he knows Dimmy. Dimmie's got a cat with a personality. He's a he's a he's a jokester. So he thought he was going to get the truck and play a joke on me. Little did he know. I fucked him in the ass that cock sucking. He was on that stand all the way on the top thing.

I swear to God, I go by now. Dibby, every time you walk by Dimmie goes, wow, wow. He wasn't saying dick. I'd walk by him and look him straight in the eye. He just looked at me like, dog, I can't even say nothing. I'm so fucked up. well that's why we added that to the packaging because it used to say

keep out of reach of children and pets because there's so many accidents with pets and edibles I mean and then you got to worry about the chocolate too it's no good listen I'm not even worried about the dogs I'm worried about the accidents I get in at my house and shit fuck that sometimes I eat an edible and I have

fucking accidents at the house just sitting there the remote control falls you know It's a fucking nightmare. My problem is I don't have accidents like that with edibles because I know how to dose our product. I'm scared to try other products. I'll be honest with you. Like, people give me stuff all the time.

And I do try it, but I go slow just like I would as if I had a really low tolerance because I don't know how it's going to affect me. And most times it doesn't because my tolerance is pretty high. But here's the other thing. Dad, man, make fuck me. Like, I can't, I can't even do it that. You would think I'd be able to handle that, right? I can't, like, it's too much T-H-C for me all at once,

and I guess because there's nothing, I don't know, it's just, it's too much, and I get really. Which one is a brownie? No, doing dad, like, you know, going to the hash bar and taking one, and I'm like, you know, it just sends me to another planet, like more than edibles, it's weird, but I think it's just because I've got this tolerance for edibles, So now I'm trying something else.

It's like another way to get the medicine. And for me, it's too intense. I guess I got to break myself in a little bit better with it and go slow. You know, at a bowl of the brownie I ate the other night at first. I don't know if you noticed that one part of the night I had to get up and I was holding onto the stairway. Did you see that? I could see that. I was worried about you because you took, I think you had half.

you had 2 50 milligrams right right before you went on and it hit you really fast like i noticed that you were feeling it like within it seemed like 20 minutes and usually like if it hits you that fast it's going to come on really really strong so uh but you did a great set man i was rolling you are fucking funny i mean i knew you're funny but that was the first time i've seen your show so funny how funny what do you mean funny how funny funny funny funny how funny funny how funny funny how funny funny how funny the other funny funny I'm going to amuse you I'm just playing with you

cool because you know I've seen like clips and stuff online but like when you're there and you get to see all your fans and stuff around it's just people people are really cracking up it's we had a good time we have a good time at the shows but no that night I ate the thing right in front of you

and at one point I'm like oh this is not good it's a point where you feel your blood pressure is dropping and I got up and I went over to the stay away and I held it to the handle and I asked the manager, go, what do you have for appetizes? And this motherfucker is running the menu by me. He's like,

well, I have this, I have that, I go, just bring me some. And he kept coming back going, how about some fries? And I'm like, just fucking bring me something. And he came back with those five shrimp. And until that time, I was spinning out of control. I would have not gone on stage. I would have gone on stage and told him the truth

and just laid on the floor. That's it. If you ever have that come up again and you get too high. Try some CBD. You know, if you smoke some harlequin or one of these other CBD rich strains, you know. What's CBD?

That can really balance it out. What's a CBD? CBD is cannabidiol. It's another cannabinoid that's present in cannabis. Not all strains have it. And then there's some strains that are, you know,

being grown that are really rich in that cannabino. But it doesn't get you high though. And it can't. It has a a whole bunch of health benefits, but one of the things that it is effective for, and not a lot of people know this, I guess, is that it can act as an antidote to THC in a sense. Like if you smoke too much or you're just too high from THC, if you smoke a CBD-rich strain like harlequin, it will actually bring you down. What's how?

I don't know. I don't even know what to fucking get Harlequin. Harlequin. What then? I don't even know where to get that strain. it's hard to get because one it's um it appeals to a certain type of patient and many of the patients that um want it are not interested in getting high they're interested in all the medicinal benefits and the list is very very long just go online typed in CBD um there's so

much research out there you know but it is it is hard to get if you're going to clubs that specialized in, you know, high THC strains. I mean, everybody's interested in getting high, but there's plenty of folks out there that want the medicinal as well. But I can get you in touch with the right people for that. All right, yeah, yeah, because I have accidents all the time. My OD every other week. So I'm going to OD today.

We like some CBD edibles, too. I can give you some of those. The problem is they don't hit you. this fast. So if you're using it in that way, you're better off smoking it or vaping it, you know. I'll get you some of that. This is great. I use it all the time. What's funny is, like, I'm sitting outside because I'm staying with my friends down here, and when I come down here, they give me a room to stay in and stuff.

It's cool. But, like, it's early in the morning. I don't want to get on the phone and wake them up, but I'm sitting in my car, and I'm like, I'm rolling a joint. I'm like, I'm not most of them heart-licking right now because, like, it just chills you out. It kind of gives you, it's not the same buzz. obviously it's THC, but it is, it's really nice. I would definitely suggest it if you've never tried it to smoke it alone. Don't mix it with anything else, but I was trying to mix it with something else, my little mortgage board.

I got like a little, you know, a little jar that's built with a bunch of different stuff, right? And I just roll joints with that. So that's what I'm sitting here. And I'm like mixing up all my stuff. And I'm like, am I smoking CBD or what? And I started smoking it. high so I guess it wasn't the harlequin nonetheless because I feel that feel pretty high right now and I haven't even had an edible yet well you better get out of it it's 706 you're fucking

slipping you know what I'm saying where you're doing a demo at today I'm way behind schedule oh man today is gonna be nuts um that's gonna be a lot of fun I've uh I got a demo tasting happening up at hollyweed all right that should be fun from four to seven people are down to come check that out. We're doing another one out in Venice on Friday at California Alternative caregivers, 4 to 7 on Friday. All right. So I'm just trying to get some visits in to some of our other clubs,

and I've got a new sales rep down here that I'm training. What else? Yeah, you went to NoHo Organics, so tell them to take good care of their family. Yeah, I think our delivery person dropped those off a few weeks back. Yeah, that's my home. want to follow up with those guys and see what's up but yeah I'm going that I'm going there yeah I'm going there today yeah I love Jay and I love I love divine I love divine wellness I love them all the guys over there the edibles they have probably the best they have a great selection

they really push your stuff but I also love no whole yeah I like no whole organic I'm I'm loyal to my two spots I really do like them a lot and good for you yeah yeah Yeah, that good peat's like, you know, it's like going to a fucking doctor's office every day. And I go every day. I go whether or not I need weed. I still go over and give them a 20 and get some weed to go. Listen, you can never have enough weed. What happens?

There's a fucking earthquake here. What happens there's an earthquake and I got a gram of weed at the fucking house? Somebody's going to get choked in two days. But if we got a quarter, a couple ounces at the house, there's an earthquake. You don't give a fuck. You got under control. I always got extra papers. in a baggie just in case is a flood i can't believe you were worried about him and

and i because i'm so i'm already you fuck up now you're already fucked up you gave me a fucking edible but so what that's what we're supposed to do you gotta get up you haven't done jumping jackson i can't stand up right now what are you doing tonight my love you'll be around you know what i don't have plans but i'm in this demo until like eight or something i'll give me a holler around nine i'm gonna do a spot at the ha-ha up in the valley in the studio city right down the block from divine wellness you come up we'll hang out

I want to check that out what time are you going on I'll probably go I'll call you when I get out of jiu-jitsu I got out of jiu-jitsu at I'll call you and see where you're at so it's right down the block it's right down the block from divine wellness we're going to hang out and smoke some dope with any luck the Mexican taco lady will be out there

tonight with some hot dogs with some bacon around them motherfucker are you a vegetarian no okay beautiful we got tacos for your chicken and beef and Yeah, I'm supposed to hang out with my friend Danny, and you know what? He's a fan, so I'm sure he'd be stoked to come with me, you know? All right, it's right down the block of Divine Wellness, so you're right across from the bank. Right there's a little comedy club.

I'll put your name on the list. You go over there, you hang out. We'll have a cocktail. The ha-ha. The ha-ha cafe, Lee will be there. Nice. O' Lee's got to work tonight. He's got an interviewer three.

Fuck him. This fucking interview, cocks suck. He got no interview at three. I do, too. Nobody's doing dick after one Well, they are No, they're meeting me They're meeting me

When I got up this morning On my block there's no cars That means nobody's fucking working How you like them there apples I love you Andy Dolores I'm happy you call today Thank you for coming to the show And supporting us always

You have the best motherfucking Love in the world I love you you're sexy savage I love you too sweetie I told Ari yesterday you were a sexy savage And he couldn't believe it He goes that sucks She makes edibles

And she's a sexy savage That sucks. I love you too, man. I'll see you later tonight. I'll see you tonight. Thank you for calling, Mama. When is the 500 milligram going to be available? Next week, it looks like.

We're supposed to get the bags this week. So if there's no delays there, they'll be hitting the clubs next week. If not, the week after, for sure. And Auntie Dolores, we're going to eat you on the first live podcast. That doesn't sound good. We're going to eat you. 500 milligram fudge cake. We're going to split it three ways.

That's what we're doing for the first fucking live podcast, July 29th at the Ice House. We're eating that motherfucker at three ways. All right, all right. All right. Okay, I'm going to bring you some tonight, too. All right, I love you. Thank you for always being a savage. Bye.

Thank you, too. Bye. How lucky are we? Let me give some shout-outs to some motherfuckers here for being the best people in the world. Clinton Lawrence, Dead Squad Down Under. I love you guys. Dead Squad everywhere. I love you, Coxuckers.

Matthew Conway, you're killing me. Jay dummy. April Falashi, you sexy bitch. I'll eat your fucking toenails if you let me. Leon Vegas, Suarez. You're over there in Germany or in Spain, jumping up and down. And Maria Wrenn or whatever his fucking name is.

Mario Wren, I don't know what his fucking name is. I'm too high. I'm talking to talk here. Also, for your people trying to get in shape, and you people trying to get your life together. Go to honor.com. Check fucking bad Andy. That's his fucking name.

I love you. Michelle Kara. I love you, too. sexy bitch. Look, you got a bikini and a monkey in your fucking Twitter picture. Not a real monkey, not a pussy. But she got a picture of a fucking her with a bikini. How high are you right now?

You went more like three different conversations at once. I'm not going to tell you how high. I would tell you your business. You just threw your glasses off. That's right. It's like an old sitcom. I'm like, I'm outraged. I fucking added, all right? Put a little sweet emotion. I want to see you a dance for the people this school. Do you want to face? No, I want you to play.

I want you to put on illusion by who doesn't matter just put on an illusion put on any illusion it's called illusion let's look illusion YouTube

what's name of this band that sings it doesn't say showing me optical illusion no just illusion that's what I'm doing god damn it let's see let's see if this is it

it's the soundtrack to FX it's the last song Is this it? There you go Take the earphones up Let me see you dance one Good joke This is a jam

This is what I was dancing 1782 Eton Quilludes Illusion Oh shit Go to honor com, motherfuckers Get your shit together

Crank that motherfucker Wait No, When you're snapping your fingers For you're Sammy Davis You're to dance No dance That's how white people dance

No you're Jewish I'm the whitest of the white Well maybe not third, maybe second. I don't know like this music. I don't ever have to say. It's just a little. Get up, Lee.

Let me see you wiggle for daddy. Give me a little shot. Pooh, ooh. What? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. You're getting up and dancing. I can't get up right now.

What's the problem? What's the problem? You give me gummy bear and six in the morning. So what? You got to get it together, though. I have it together, but you have to make a choice between me dancing and me doing a gummy bear. You got to honor. You got a shout out.

Did you go to honor.com? And look at the strong bone. Did you go to honor.com and get your fucking alpha brain? Absolutely. Get your life together. It's July 1st and you're fucking slipping. You got six months left in 2013. What's wrong with you?

Have you done your fucking thing? Have you done your thing? 2013 have you accomplished your goals? You need help. You don't need a life coach. You don't listen to this shit or any other podcast. Get some alpha brain. Learn to focus a little bit on what the fuck you want.

You ever look at that chick and you go, I wonder what's under that miniskirt? Take some fucking alpha brain. And you can see right fucking through the miniskirt and see what that what that bush looks like and take it from there. That's all I got to tell you today. That's it.

That's it. And after you look at that girl's skirt, go to Hulu Plus, go to through the banner on JoeyDiaz.net or go to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. I just looked right now, they have the Shepel show on there, which I fuck that.

General motherfucking hospital? General hospital lost in space. Come on now. We ain't fucking around at Hulu Plus. I've been telling you people for the last month. I'm sick and tired of telling you. Go to Joey Diaz. go to Hulu Plus

Put Joey in there Two free weeks of fucking Hulu Starts tomorrow And I'll tell you why It's the 4th of July What are you gonna do Listen to your fucking relatives All Day talk about shit

What's on the baseball Allstar game Whippy, fuck that shit Get some Hulu Catch up on the Chappelle show Get a couple of episodes General Hospital Maybe you missed S&L

When Justin Timberlake fell back Oh it was so funny Watch that too comes And when you're at the barbecue You don't want to be yet If you have an iPhone And iPad There you go

Right down the phone somebody's giving you a fucking ear beating you get your phone, boop and you watch fucking community like a doctor. Who the fuck's gonna say something to you? You put the earphone on, the ear plug and just not make believe like you're paying attention

to that stupid fucking story. And besides that, what do you have to tell you? It's July the 3rd, tomorrow you'll live some fucking fireworks. In my youth, I'd be in Chinatown, negotiating with Chinese people right now picking up an egg roll, a pack of fucking firecrackers, some cherry bombs. Did you do firecrackers?

I did everything as a kid. nigger chases everything. What? What are those? It's a bottle rocket and you cut the stick off and it just spins around and chases black people. No disrespect. That's what they call them. Nigger chases.

I never did fireworks. So if you found the bottle rocket and you took the stick off, it went crazy. People don't know the chase black people. Chase black people, that's it. A couple of Arabs, but there was no Arabs then. There was no Arabs then. Okay.

I had a fucking half a stick of dynamite one time. No, you didn't. Yes, I fucking did. Like, one of the cartoons... You go to China Town and buy anything of those dudes. When you say Dynamite, like, you mean, like, from the movies or, like, a cartoon with a red stick.

Half a fucking stick. With a long-ass fuse for a fucking... We were going to take out a block. How did you get dynamite? Fucking, don't worry about it. What are you asking questions for? It's like 30 fucking years ago and shit. I think we ended up throwing in the huts and we got scared.

That's like my most terrifying thought. Like, you with dynamite. Fuck it! With Riefer and an edible for Anthony DeLauri. and Cheebo Chu and some fucking Collegular juice Look at the shape of you What am I going to take you?

You ain't going to this interview I have to do you have a swam in two weeks You don't juice no more You don't take care of your son You lose 70 pounds You go off the deep end you're eating I don't go off the deep end You were fucking

You should have seen him in original George He was taking the spaghetti with his hands I was not What are you mouth like an Egyptian king Like a fucking What did the people want a thing now They're not going to invite me up for dinner No, you were picking out the food.

He was picking up the Feducini-Alfredo. Look at me. He just dipping his mouth like your fucking Garvone. I couldn't breathe it. I could have to think about breathing when we were there that night. You didn't think about breathing, cox-suck. You were eating? I wasn't. I had a quarter of the plate because it was I had a quarter of the plate.

I had a quarter of the plate, cock-sucker. You ate bread? You gave me two fucking edibles. Two fucking gumming. Oh, so blame it on the fucking edible. I am going to blame on the animals. It's so funny because I was talking to some fucking I don't mean to assault nobody. Some fucking A.A. guy

He had there about Coke, and he was telling me how, you know, he blamed the last 10 years of his life on cocaine. I'm like, you know, that's an easy fucking cop. I could have blamed a lot of shit on cocaine. What? It was me. I fucking added that fuel.

What? But what? Stop it. Relax. Take a deep breath. The angry sky and animals. What beautiful? I'm not angry.

Why, when you said I don't want to offend anyone before he said AA, why would that offend anyone? People get offended, you know, they say, I'm an AA guy. But you just called it a firework, a nigger-chaser, and you're like, I don't want to say the word AA. I don't want to offend nobody, you know, that's what they call me. What are you fucking to fucking tell you? I don't, you know what I love black people. No, but that's what I'm saying.

Like, I don't want, I didn't understand why AA would be an issue. I don't know. I don't fucking know. You know, A.A. people, they're all undercover. They don't know they're a friend of John or a friend of Joe, whatever the fire. I don't fucking. Okay, I didn't know. I hear do offend them, but I'm just trying to get a few laps

and for you to start your day off, write your goals, wash your pussy. You know what I'm saying? Wash your feet, spray some desks and your nutsack. It's going to be hot out there today. You know what? I get an inch of it. My fucking balls are fucking rare right now.

Do you put baby powder on them? Sometimes I forget to rub dustin. My wife yells at me. You're not rubbing the desonix on you. I popped all the pimples on my ass. I got like a doctor's saying to take a shot. I'm ready. You know what I'm saying?

I always have to, especially if I want to walk, I have to have baby powder with me. Why would happen? It hurts. Like if we had been in San Jose and it was hot and you were sweating, it would have been an issue. Like when I was younger, it always used to happen.

But, uh... So you're going to get a hooker this weekend? No, I'm going to get a hooker with this weekend. We got this little girl coming over. She's going to stymika. You know what? No, it's a verb. No, it's the mink is everything.

Stimik is whatever you want it to be. So what's going to come over? What is the little Jews jumping up? Saturday. So Saturday, this Saturday? Yes. Oh, I guess what I'm doing? Friday. What? The New Arts

having a midnight showing of Jaws. I've never been to the New Art. I'm excited. I'm Brendan the girl. I know you're like, what the fuck you're going to go to the Newark for? You can watch on your couch. You're going to have a nice fucking joint. I don't know. I'm excited. You're going to take some metal for Seahs? No. You're not going to bring that up for her?

She's never smoked weed before. That's even better. No, it's not. That's mean. That's something you would do. That's not mean? Yes, it is. No, it's not mean. You just said you could almost couldn't go on stage. She's 23. Okay, so she's an old enough to consent.

You give a little caramel a call. You put it in the popcorn, you'll never know the difference. So let me just make sure I understand what I'm saying. You don't want to see George straight. You don't want to see George Street. Yes, I do. It's a good movie.

It's a tremendous movie, but it's better if you fucking got a little edge to you. What if it terrifies me? What if I freak out over the fucking fake shark? Lee, get it together before I smack you. You understand me. You're not going to freak out over a fucking fake shark. You're 24 fucking years old.

When I'm on the edible, get it. Get it. This is what's killed me about a fucking. That's it. I'm not listening to this shit no more. He's killing me, but a little. I'll fucking stab me with the American flag.

It's a 4th of July. It's a beautiful time to have food and hang out with your fucking family. But it's also a time to fucking reflect on why you're a fucking American, all right? We ain't pussies. We're fucking Americans. You understand me?

Hit it, Lee. Get it together. I want to hear about unemployment or the present or this guy's a cock sucker. I want you to get up and be a fucking man and face it. That's what we do as an American. What would Abe Lincoln do and Thomas Jefferson? That's right.

That's right. Of the United States of America. Two times. And to the Republic for which it stands. One nation. One nation. Under God. Indivisible.

No, it's not indivisible. Invincible. Not invisible. For all. Invincible. That's what the fuck. America is, you dumb motherfuckers. I don't want to hear about unemployment.

I don't want to hear about the bomb is white. I'm going to hear it on nothing. All I want to hear about is how you got up. and you fucking washed your feet and you put nice sneakers on and you went on and you picked a piece of paper and you became a fucking American today you didn't cry or fucking wine

that's all you need to do today have a happy 4th of July blow your fucking finger off cock suckers you're fucking unbelievable oh I love you putting it so now that the show's over guys you got something to do tomorrow you're going to relax this weekend

go to Hulu Plus for all your favorite hit shows that you can get the free trial at Joey Dias.net or with the Hulu Plus banner or go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey or the banner at Joey Dias. I'm sorry, I'm fucked up. Put the music on, a little fucking, uh, chill-go-the-grave.

Let's kick them off a. Have a great weekend. We'll see you Monday at 6 a.m. July 18th, Philadelphia. July 25th, the Ice House, July 29th, the live podcast with Liseas, Lysayette, the very special guy. I'm going to be able to be.