The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 07/08/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #95

Episode Date: July 9, 2013

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Master Stephan Kesting calls into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Visit huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 07/08/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows whenever you want, wherever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, S, and L, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Oh, motherfucking shit. July the 8th. Are you kidding me or what? Are you fucking ready? The summer is upon us. Put the firecrackers away. Chinese people are done for the fucking years.

It's over, motherfucker. July the 8th, Monday. Get up, shine your shoes. Comb your hair. Take the sandman out of your fucking eyes. Put some fucking Q-tips in your ears. Take that wax out. Or pack it into the fucking ear. Like I do. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Welcome to the church of what's happened now. You know what I'm saying? Oh shit, he looked in the mirror. You're not gonna share today?

Come on, over, cock sucker. I'm looking California. Oh shit. Oh shit. I don't know what the fuck you're thinking about today on a beautiful Monday morning, but this is it. Bann, nah, now, bach, da, now you know. All right Lee hit it with the fucking music all right you're over there

call from the death and shit cuck sucker two hits there's my main man Lee Syatt welcome to the church of what's happening now hope you had a great and safe weekend hope you got all your fucking fingers hopes and though he didn't shoot you in the ass with a Roman candle we don't even make fucking Roman candles no one they don't remember the Roman candle was the one it's like a pooh-boo like it's pies up yeah very interesting what you said to me this morning that you don't like fucking afford to July with the fireworks and shit. I've never understood.

Since day one, I never, listen, I don't understand fireworks, I don't understand fucking parades. Anything you can fucking do every year, I don't understand. I ain't going down there. And it's not, like, I get it for, like, little kids, but when I start being, like, 13,

it's always the same. They always have the one that sparkles, and they have the finale that always disappoints, and there's eight million people there, and it takes three hours to get out of parking. And at a certain point, I just stopped caring about it. Like, I like Fourth of July stuff. This is what I want to see. You want to see an asshole if I work? No, I want to see. Somebody gets shot first. You want to see a Fourth

of July show, get like somebody who fucked up in the neighborhood and you shoot them in the fucking leg or something like that. That's the way a good Fourth of July celebration always ends. Then a climax is a lighting somebody on fire or something like that. That's, it's 2013. You know what I'm saying? At this point, that's what the fuck you want to see. But if you think I want to go, park, walk with a fucking hill, eight dollars, sit with a bunch of other fucking families and see fire and at the end when you're shooting fireworks that's a fucking pisser though you don't know what it was when i was a fucking kid there were legal Massachusetts so i don't know about legal fucking i didn't do i never did nothing that was fucking legal all i

know it's going into chinatown 50 fucking bucks and coming back with cherry bombs fireworks bazookas fucking sticks of dynamite you know m80s and all that shit and that was it you went over there you came back and fucking fourth of july while you were sparking them and shit you were having fun But to sit there like a mama, oh, look at that. Ooh, get the fuck out of here. The fuck out of here. After it's killing America, you know. And I hate to say this is fucking wasps.

I didn't think about it until yesterday. How much a wasp fucking person bothers me. What made you think about it? I went to Domingo's yesterday, finally. The restaurant of Steve Simone and all those guys who are talking about fucking badass. But it's small. It's an Encino. Well, let's get to the story from this stuff.

We live in California. We live in Los Angeles, Studio, City, North Hollywood. Whatever the fuck we live up up here. There's the valley. You know, a lot of us live up in the fucking valley. But here's the deal. That, you know, I'm not the type of New Yorker that complains about food. I really don't give a fuck.

Obviously, in 15 years, I'm walking around weighing 300 pounds. Something's good out here. Yeah. You know, you can't say, I see these fat New Yorkers that say food sucks. Me, I'm not one of those dummies that's going to come over with the bagels. I don't give a fuck. I make the best of what they got and whatever. Once in a while, though, you want a wet musseldell sandwich on a hard bread.

You want all this shit. You know what I'm saying? And you just want it. So sometimes you got to get that food, you got to drive. You got to drive to Cavitellas, deli, in the heart of fucking whatever. All this place. All this place is in Burbank. I've taken you to Pinocchio's and God.

And that is what it is. You accept it. It's not the best. When I took two of my buddies from Jersey, I came in June, they were like, this ain't bad. It ain't fucking exquisite compared to the rest of the country. Whatever. I went to this place yesterday, Domingo. Our buddy Steve Simone

who called into the podcast My man DiAgostino They always go up there And Senino was called Domingo It's not fucking bad I go in there First off there's like one person Behind the fucking counter

So I'm getting aggravated already There's three of us There's some fat chick From Italy fucking waiting For something There's some dude With sandals on The whitest fucking dude

Of all time Johnny fucking white bread In this fucking Italian deli You know what I'm saying It says fucking ham And copicola And prosciute and all this shit

they got fucking schoonjil they got all this shit and I got Johnny fucking white man at this deli with sandals on with size 13 feet

he's got to be fucking 55 he's one of those white momos you see with the fucking pen and his fucking shirt on a Sunday with shorts on

over there getting a fucking a turkey sandwich and I'm sitting there and he's making a big deal about this fucking turkey sandwich and I'm about to stab him because you get a turkey sandwich anywhere you fucking waspy

fuck a turkey is like the only Italian deli in the fucking valley and you gotta come here for a fucking turkey sandwich you fucking waspy fuck with a fucking mayonnaise whatever the fuck they put on their fucking bread nowadays that miracle whip and that other shit and he made a big he came back like there's not enough lettuce i fucking want to stab this motherfucker my wife knew how my you know what on sundays is my worst wasp fucking day you know i like when i travel i bump into different nationalities

and different type of white people i love you crazy white people but these waspy motherfuckers Let me tell you what they do to society. They walk around the society ignorant. That's number one. They're just society ignorant. And they're so uptight and so fearful that they spread that fear to their kids. You ever walk into an airport with fucking luggage and guy from the door and stops? Because he's mesmerized at the fucking airport.

And you're like, hey, buddy, stop over there. You can't stop in the middle of the fucking door, cocks up. They stop. Look at all these kinds, you fucking. And this guy's probably an engineer and his wife's a fucking school teacher. But they got no street. fucking knowledge at all. They have no street sense. They have no social

incompetence. They're fucking dummies. These waspies. It's like, yes, an Italian WC, one person on the go to Rouse and get a fucking turkey. Fucking subway, got turkey with jalapenos and fucking that shitty avocado from Nicaragua that eat with communist fucking juice for $4

and you want to come to fucking whatever, this Italian place and order to fucking when he looked at a turkey, you almost had a heart attack and it was real fucking turkey. You know, it was real fucking turkey. Then I'm eating, and I see him walk back with those fucking sandals that I wanted to fucking step on his foot. I'm sorry.

And then from there, I went to the fucking farmer's market. I'm sorry. In the studio city, it's true. Fucking Wash Central over there. Another bunch of dumb fucks. They stick out in the street. Pull over. You see a fucking car's over here with his blanket?

They love that shit in LA. They love to fucking pull up to a car that's waiting, and they'll wait to the guy decides, get fucking going. The guy that's partners in there. When I see people Put behind me to go in I take my time I make calls to Europe

I don't give a fuck That's why I take my time Don't fucking pound me Get the fuck out of you Keep moving You don't know if I'm in here Scratching my balls Or what the fuck I'm doing

I'm sorry I got emotional on Monday No wonder you were so fired up When he came in Fuck yeah I can't Oh I fucking hate these waspy fucks And then you try to fly with them They're the worst

Online on that security line They fold Oh yeah They fucking fold They start asking questions I left my change What the fuck is wrong with you You're white and you're smart

You're intelligent How can you be so fucking stupid And then I went to met Jerry La Roca At the fucking Marie E.T. The cafe there Yeah And as soon as I'm telling you He's like what's the matter dog

I'm sick of these waspby Fucking fuck's taking down this country They're the ones with their stupidity And their fucking Dudley do right fucking attitudes That's what makes them dangerous Like a normal white person He calls your cock sucker

You smack him in the face That's it you get in your car You go home These waspies fucks. They'll dial 9-1-1 and wait there. They gotta press charges. What the fuck are you tough press charges, you dummy? You got sandals on.

Fucking dummy. Fucking dummies. Give me a little I want to be around and calm me down. It's a beautiful day to be alive. You understand me? It's Monday. You got to work up a little fucking edge today. Somebody's got to pay for you getting up.

That's it. Planned and fucking simple. Let smoke some reframing him. Oh, my God. Mm-mm-mm. This Rifa is tremendous Tremendous Tremendous

Get some more, Uncle George Tell me this shit ain't good It's amazing Tell me this shit ain't fucking good today A lot of candle for all the people That means something in your life My niece is getting surgery today So I had a lot of candle this morning

Say a prayer for their spirit Say a prayer for your beloved spirit They're gone They moved on to Orlando It's a truth. It's Monday. It's dead day. Celebrate them.

Smoke a joint film. Blow fucking smoke in their picture like I do. The knees that you like the one who plays basketball? Yeah, I fucking have a nervous breakdown. I guess myself driving back. You know, she don't need this shit. She's a senior in high school. She was going to fucking be an All-American this year.

And she taught her to ACL. Oh, fuck. It's a man. It broke. Sometimes life gives you messages in weird fucking ways. This is the second one. She's torn two in high school? Fuck.

Yeah, sometimes God sends you a fucking message. No more basketball. No, no more fucking basketball. At least not for this year, she red shirts. But my niece got a lot of shit going for her. She's five foot ten. What do you want to do? You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. She's beautiful. She's smart. She got balls on her. I just hope she don't get pregnant. It's fucking ruins and everything. But what are you going to do? People survive.

He's my niece. I love a no matter how she shows up. That's awesome. I hope she gets up fine. How is your feeling? You had some knee palms on San Jose? Yeah, I got to go back starting next Monday. I start getting these three shots in my knees.

It's a gel they put in between your kneecap. Fuck. It's a fucking, if the first needle hurts, I'll never go back. You'll just cut it off right above the knee. That shit makes me faint. Oh, fucking die. And I've been getting anxiety lately. Really?

I've been getting anxiety. Yeah, I've been getting anxiety. Little bits of anxiety and shit. Before the UFC fight, I got it. I got it before I went on stage last week So I got to loosen up a little I gotta loosen up these waspy Motherfucking, they're gonna keep them away from me

I'm saying, you know what I'm fucking saying It's Monday, July 8th It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive Get up We'll get a handgun Go do something I'm saying do something motherfucker Something like you know

I'm not like a handgun So yeah What did you think about the fights Might as well get out of the way I went to Vegas I did two shows Fucking boat shows were great Oh you did two

Two show? I did the show with Joe Rogan. At the joint, I had a great time. Met some cool people afterward from Jersey and shit. Just met some great people. The Joon is a great place for comedy. Then from there was Grappler's Quest. And from there, I covered for Ralphie at the South Point Casino, Hotel and Casino off the strip. Oh, that's cool. Dirty at 1230. They do it every week. It was fucking great. I had a great fucking time. And I came home Saturday. It was the end of four weeks that I'd been on the road. I didn't want to stay for the Friday. I just wanted to come home and relax.

And I was happy. I went to my friends' house. I watched the fight. I hung out with their kids. We got Chinese food. Oh, shit. Yesterday I woke up. I hung out with my baby and my wife,

and I got aggravated by going to the farmer's market and whatever. It's just great. It's great. I'm home now for 10 days. Then it's off to Philadelphia. Hopefully you'll get the CD finished this week. Oh, yeah.

The Philadelphia would do all the add-ons for these beautiful people with a CD. hopefully go on sale for last week of July, and now we're going to be working on the fucking physical specials. Oh, shit. Enough with me. What happened with you this? I know you're dated.

You jumped up and down. You had the old freaks over last night with the fucking brothers and shit over here. Yeah, I had a great weekend. I started to see this girl. Spanish girl. Yeah. You fucking dirty Jew. Oh, yeah.

She's Mexican. You guys. And I went to, it's funny because I went to John Lovitz Saturday. There was a Jewish girl on stage talking about how she won't do. Jewish guys. Absolutely not. Because they're gross and blah, blah. And I'm thinking about how she was gross. Does Ari, does Ari date Jewish girls? I doubt it doesn't seem like.

Arii dates everybody. He dates everybody. He's a fucking fucking animal. He don't give a fuck. He's an equal opportunity dick slinging. And anybody could suck Ari's dick. Just give him a call and send them a fucking Facebook. Yeah, but the thing I was thinking about was like when you, like, I'm still young even though it seems like I'm not.

When you date, like when you're younger, you date the wrong people just because you don't want to be mean or hurt people. And I was thinking about it. We went to watch the UFC, and we started outside with everyone. We had a bunch of drains, then we ate. But she was out there for two hours. She doesn't watch the UFC. Then she went to the concert I wanted to go to.

And she said something to me. She's like, tonight's about you. Like, I want you to have fun. I was thinking about it. I had girls who wouldn't, like, they would never go watch the UFC or do. Like, I think it's important to date someone who, like, it's like not even nice, but like, they think about you. I don't know. It was.

The worst thing in the world is going on a date. And in between dinner, you know, you know. you never want to see this bitch again. And that goes the other side's ladies. I understand what you feel. You go out to dinner and you watch me eat and you're like, no. Not fucking happen.

He's got food on his shirt. He's got shit his teeth, you know. And it's really bad. It's really bad when you date somebody for a long time. You know, sometimes horniness does some wild shit. Oh, yeah. Hey, listen, man, I'm not going to lie to you. You know, lately I've been thinking about calling my ex-wife

and calling my daughter. It's really been bothering me lately Just making them call You know there's a lot of anger there Yeah Between everybody Do you care about the ex-wife as much? No, I don't care about nobody

Yeah I don't care about those motherfuckers Because at the end of the week They tried to cut my legs off They went from my legs And that's, you know Some people When you're down

Some people take you down And you're good And you move on Some people take you down and kick you Some people take you down Kick you and drag you Some people take you down Kick you grab you

And fucking try to cut your legs off that's addicted to me emotionally, you know, I didn't deserve that shit. I wasn't that bad of a person. But again, I made a lot of mistakes myself. I'm not going to sit here and say, so I've been just thinking about it lately. Just because of what I'm going through in my new family. You know, I remember all these stories from my sophomore year and doing drugs, but I really have nothing to remember about the beginning of that

of our first 18 months together, and that makes me sad. Yeah, I know it was because I was addicted to drugs at the time, but the other side of that coin, I just wasn't. into it. So maybe they felt that also. Maybe that's why we're not together. So there's two sides to every story and every situation. It's just being mad enough to fucking look at that

side of it. That's the big thing that we all have. It took me fucking 30 years. Don't look at me as a genius to think this way. It took me a long time at 20. I would never think this way. At 20, I was still looking to fucking kill you. You know, just to my thinking. I'm still looking to stalk you or do

whatever the fuck I can to take you down. You know, after all the years, you know, thank God comedy came into my life and swept me off my feet and gave me a purpose. You know, I'm very lucky. But we all find the fucking purpose if you look. You know, nothing happens on the fucking couch. The only thing you can look for on the couch is change in the seats. So that's why you don't want to live on fucking change. You get the fuck out of the house.

So thank God I found something. Yeah. So thank God. So what time has prevailed? I think for me to move on with my family, I have to close that door. more, you know, I thought by doing all the obligations that it was it, it's more than obligations

and paying child support and doing all that dumb shit. So you don't want, like, you're not looking for a relationship, you just want to get closing? No, I just want to know that everybody let everybody know that, you know, shit happens in life. Nothing nothing's worth dying. You know, I can leave here and I don't want

get hit by a fucking car and that's it. That's the end. Yeah. You know, I died with thoughts. She must have, you know, we were married. We have a child together. Something must come into her mind from time to time, even if it's hatred. And it comes into my mind, there's hatred also. What the fuck you're going to do, you know?

You can't love everybody, bro. No. It cannot. It's humanly impossible to love everybody. So, but I think I want to close that chapter. It's that time. For me to grow as a man with my own family now, with my daughter. My daughter got a year's pissed over the weekend.

Oh, really? Did you do okay? I didn't go. You know, I can't see this shit. I had anxiety just thinking about it. But you know what? She went with her fucking godmother and her mother and a godmother's daughter. And I stayed with the boys and watched the UFC with the husband.

And it was a good girl's thing for them. But I really thought about how special it was for Jackie the godmother wife. She really liked Jackie. Janice, my baby's got. She really likes. Mercy. Yeah, she likes mercy. They all.

Her family and my wife, Jizz, and everybody gets together and the kids, you know. It's just, I love the kids. I really love their kids. Yeah, you love the little daughter. Yeah, oh, juven. You were goofing with her. Oh, we were goofing this weekend. She always goosted me.

As soon as she called me Uncle Joey this weekend. It really got my fucking heart going. Really? Yeah, she's a cute kid, man. And the boys are great. They're like 10, 13, and they tell me about basketball. That's awesome. Yeah, you need that sometimes.

So, you know, when you, pro, somebody like me is uptight and rap so tight, I can talk for comedy for you. years. If that's what you want to talk, we can talk comedy for fucking years. Yeah. And it's great, but not really. Every once in a while, you just want to hang out with normal people

and just talk about fucking stupid shit. You know what I'm saying? Stupid farts and eating ass. Did you eat their ass this week? No, I did everything else, but... Did you look at it? I saw a glimpse of it. Next time, you have to give it a little, like, a little snack. Just, I'm conscious. I was very happy with the

fucking rest of it. Give it a little fucking whack. Just a quick... You have to give it like a... Like it's spaghetti and meatballs. Like, no, just give it a little, just to see. You're going to be in shock. You're going to go, don't smell. You're going to get closer. You're going to get closer.

And you want to satisfy it. And one day when you're eating that monkey and you pop your finger in there, you'll stick that little tongue whine and then it's over. Did you see what happened last night? I was just going to say, thank you so much for that. And Big Jamal and the other fucking guy jerk who signed up for it. It's no guys. You see that this guy named Big Jamal who signed up.

No, it's Big Jamal and Tyrone. one of the two guys his hand up. Where's the other joint lead? You've taken. You smoked it. What the fuck, Lee? No, there was two. Don't be kidding me.

I thought you hid it from me. Lee. Lee, Lee, Syatt. You should. Lee, I'll tell you what's good. It happened. I'll be going to Jitza. Okay.

And I ain't going to lie. I go. I do my fucking shrimps. I do a couple drills because I fucking die of being on the floor on my back. I die. I have a hard time. Yeah. And then he teaches his time.

technique and then you practice technique and again everybody's fucking breathing and I'm dying and I do it I do it and I keep going back and I keep going back and one of the kids Mani real cool motherfucker at Jiu-Jitza he trades at John Jockson and he comes down by Usma Valley cool motherfucker

was training me and he goes dog I thank you for the for the honored stuff you gave me because I had some honest stuff in the house I got I gave him I got some other stuff save for a friend of mine in Baltimore that I'm going to bump into in Philly's coming to the show next week in Philly I'm going to bring him some on it.

So he goes, I go, do you really like it? He goes, yeah, you know, he goes, I like that. And protein. It was tremendous. But he goes, I'll tell you what I really liked. I like the shroom tech. Oh. And I go, why'd you like the shroom tech sport?

And he goes, because it gives me more endurance. And that to me is what I'm aiming for. Yeah, because he sounds like someone who trains a lot. Yeah, he trains fucking that John Jackson. He comes down. He trains there at night. That's a lot. And he goes, dog gave me so much endurance of doing.

So I cracked open a bottle and I took him. I did the eupyliptical. Fucking 62 minutes, an hour I did. It was fucked up, and I only smoked pot, you know, and I just went down and I stretched. I did a bicycle for 10 minutes. I ain't got to lie to you. I'm sore as fuck. I'm sore as fuck.

So you know what? If you're looking for some endurance, if you're looking to stretch your workouts. And yesterday, I walked around with the baby. I didn't go to Jiu-Jitja yesterday because it was hot. It was family day. You know, on Sundays, if I leave for an hour and a half, it's not bad. It's not good. You know what I'm saying?

I shouldn't have to leave them. I got the whole week in town this week. Let me just hang out with them yesterday, so we did a few things. It was hot yesterday. There wasn't a hundred to do. We drove over. The baby fell asleep. We were going to take a swim in.

My wife didn't really want to swim. So it was just a fucking very avant-garde weekend. So you jumped up and down with the Jews? I jumped up and down. You just drank tequila? You didn't do no exorcism? No, we didn't do no blow, nothing, no heroin. No, I mean, I was saying that I,

I love their band, but the people who go out to clubs in Hollywood are the people I fucking can't stand. It's ridiculous. So. Next time, next time go see them somewhere else. like next time they were in you know they make a stop before L.A. Yeah. So they're Vegas but that's bad too.

But like they weren't, I saw them once in Orange County, which wasn't bad. But, uh, yeah, no, it was a great weekend. Now where were they at here? The Avalon. The Avalon. What's the Avalon? Where's the Avalon? Vine and Hollywood.

Oh, I know what that is. And it was just a, you just had the Hollywood crowd. Did they jump up and down? Were they doing blow? Hey, well, some of them were on drugs, but I wanted to get your thoughts on something. Uh, there's, they haven't in every. club, but we were standing for a while next to the Bottle Service area.

Yeah. And I notice this at sports games and then every time I go to a club, everyone in Bottle Service looks fucking miserable. They spent $800 on a bottle of Grey Goose and the guy there was six guys. I just imagined what you would say and I giggled. It was like six

guys with wife beaters on and no girls back then they just look sad. It's ridiculous, isn't it? It's ridiculous to see men at a young age go out and think that they're fucking cool as fuck. Yeah. So six guys sitting together with a bottle of fucking,

look at us with a bottle. That is the most pathetic fucking shit. I would never do bottle service. You know, would I sit there with a bottle at my table looking like a fucking jerk off? Yeah. It just bewills me what people do to be. When I go to Vegas, you have no idea.

I was telling my wife and the baby's godmother, I go in three years in Vegas, then I ain't going to wear bikinis. Just going to put a patch on their pussies. Yeah. And everything else is going to, that's it. I've seen it Friday. I saw it.

Girls with nothing on with clothes. And it's not the girls that bother me. They're just dumb, confused fucking girls. Are 20. Woo! Trying to have a good fucking time. Going to a pool party in Vegas. Swimming in that old sperm bat

to fucking sperm and fucking acne feet and steroid juice and fucking people from other country swimming in that fucking disgusting fucking pool. And they're out there with a drink with those fucking drinks in the hand. I'm dying. You know,

I never liked Vegas and I never liked Vegas for things that nobody would ever understand. I had a dear friend on Facebook that went to Vegas in 1983 or 84 and he got busted doing coke in the bathroom. How do you get busted that cameras in there? That's it.

Once I found that out in Vegas there goes my fucking good time. They watch you at every level in Vegas. They have to they have too much to, you know what I'm saying? Those casinos they fucking watch guy. I just don't like it, but I don't like the other side of Vegas. Like you know, I got in the cab Saturday morning

I'm talking about a cab driver and he goes, you know, it's pretty fucking dead here so far Wow And he goes, you know, years ago Vegas had a system You know, it was a $50 flight from LA to Vegas It was a $3 cab

Now they gouge you at every level They gouge you Again, it was $14, $16 for two hot dogs And a soda Yeah, you call me pissed, you're like, How much it's $1? hot dog costs.

How much shit it costs? I'm just asking you. I paid $16 for two cheese slices and a fucking diet Coke. I didn't even notice it if I was eating the cheese slices. That's a lot of fucking money. You know, two fucking... And that's the cheapest you're going to find. It's not like...

You were telling me, what was it? Like, it was bacon and eggs was $40? I hurt my ankle. I hurt my fucking ankle or something in my foot Thursday, Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah? Something. I was fine. I just couldn't walk a lot.

It just bothered me when I walked. What you're going to do a lot of in the fucking hotels? You're going to do a lot in fucking... So I took two leaves and I tried the best I could. So I said, you know what I'll do? I'll check in. I'll go to the room. I'll get high.

I'll relax. I'll put some mice on my foot and I'll get room service. And one of the stays, it was $38 for steak of eggs. $38 fucking. I'll go over here to the magnolia grill where the steak is delicious. Not a piece of fat on it. Too fucking... Bless you.

Look at that. Look at that. Saloo. That's how fucking I'm telling you to chew. for fucking like $16 and they go, $38 fucking dollars. And then they wanted to... I had the money, Lee.

It's not about the money. Not about the fucking money. Okay, when I walked in, I went to that fucking slot penny machine Godfather thing and I won 42 bucks or something like that. Did you really? Yeah, I always do it. I always play the fucking slot machines.

I don't know what I'm doing. But after the show at the joint, a beautiful fucking girl named Christina from Jersey came out of me and Edgar. Yeah. And Becky were there. Oh, cool. And she goes, do you gamble?

I go, no, she goes, I think you should feel lucky. We walked over, I put $10 on 32 Julius Irving's number. Bam, it won, I won, $350. Oh, shit. We know how we do. That's fucking awesome. And you stopped right there? Stop right there.

Oh, I would never stop. I went back to the hole, and I put $40 in the penny slot machine for the Godfather, and ended up winning 66. Jesus. I went to my room and went to bed. Oh, that's how you know you're not addicted to it. I would have gone to every blackjack table. I know the other angle of it.

I've already done through that, where you're up 600, and then you're up to 800, instead of going back to your room, now you go back to your room with fucking 120. Yeah. And you feel like debt. Yep.

You feel like debt. There's two things that make you feel like debt. Doing blow all night and being in a casino at 8 in the morning and drinking. When you're drinking at 8 in the morning, and next one you're thinking you're cool. At that point, you're just drinking because you're such a fucking loser. You just want to kill yourself. And I leave early from the casinos,

and I see that. But I've also been there many a time where it's eight, you want to smoke some of this? It's eight in the fucking morning. And there I am in my living room drinking fucking beer, thinking about calling somebody

or shooting myself. You know what I'm saying? Because you're so fucking depressed from coming down from the blow and you got no fucking buddy to talk to. It's a sad situation part of the party fucking life. But that's it, Lee.

You got some fucking chochie this weekend. You're in love. She's a Spanish girl. I'm proud of you. Yeah. She's great. you want to take care of you. No, no, that's...

Not like this other fucking waspy animals that don't take care of you. They show up with dirty feet. Show up with dirty. No, it's... I felt like it was like the one thing missing from my life recently and I'm happy so far.

You want to broaden your life? Yeah, I like it. I'm not... I've had one night's dance, but it doesn't work out. Either one of us gets feelings and the other one doesn't. I was thinking about it the other day, too.

There's always someone in a relationship. relationship who likes the other person more and that always seems to happen with one night stands and I haven't I've been working too much since I've been here to do it but now I feel like I'm kind of ready for it so yeah I'm I'm happy so far I'm happy for you cock suck it you're still gonna take a fight for the face even with a relationship even if you get married you still this is way and stalled before she let's see things she thinks it's hysterical when you make fun of me so I'm sure I'll be doing it it's not hysterical she she she knows I'm schooling. I'm trying to take

into my fucking wings. You're a savage. I don't want nobody smacking you around. I can't. Let's see how many people have signed up so far because that fucking blew my my mouth. Yeah, people want to help you out, Lee. Help me out. See, these are all the people that hit you up on the website later and go, don't do it. Fuck you.

Everybody deserves a fart to the fucking face. Every time I see one in Los Angeles, I get upset. How many you got signed up so? 27. You know how many were there when I fucking went on there? Two or five. Yeah. So you got 20, people who have thought about and said I'm ready to fart on Lee's face omit the two men yeah and you got 20 fucking people Lee who's better than you there's 20 women out there right

now that are shaving their assholes because in August they know they're gonna come to the ice house on August 14th and watch you get fart in your face one time Jesus like a soldier I can't believe these people oh well we'll try it out let's do it hey Lee listen it's just who gives a fuck you know I'm saying you do you live a little you're gonna do something like you gotta be like If I was a baseball catcher, you have to be like the umpire. You gotta catch a little bit of it. Just to... I'm a...

I'm a savage. I'm gonna put you right nose first into that fucking muffler. So you bump her ass on you're faint. You're probably faint. But that's okay. If my nose touches her asshole, yeah. And then once you fall down in tears, we're gonna have a fart in your mouth a couple times while you're on the floor.

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. It's like a ground and ponds. They're just going to be pounding you with fucking asshole hair and stuff like that. Which I'm happy for. You need that once in a while, brother. I'm not sure that I do, but... Oh, who the fuck? You're kidding.

What, you're 20, fucking four years old. I'm not going to sit here and say to you, Lee, the most dumbest thing in the world, Lee, I wish I would be 24 again. Because, you know, look, man, the reason why I got stories, I got stories not because I sat there. Am I proud of these fucking stories? I'm not proud of 70% of these fucking stories I tell, but they happened. You know what I'm saying?

and they happened when I was your age. Didn't happen 10 years ago? These fucking stories I tell me mugging a hooker didn't happen at 38. I wouldn't have the balls to do anything at 38. I didn't have balls at 38. I was too cold fucking up. My rawness came from, you know, 12, 10 to 30 or something like that. Then I just fell off like a fucking everybody else falls off.

And that's all I'm trying to say to you. I'm not here to make fun of you or break your. or break your balls but all this craziness happened to me when I'm 24 was 90, you know what happened to me 30 years ago this 4th of July? What?

I got picked up hitchhiking by John Denver. Who does that happen to? Who the fuck gets picked up hitchhiking? Where? By John Denver, July 4th at 1983 while all my buddies were jumping up and down, down the shore at some fucking club, Montego Bay, whatever the fuck they were in those days,

at Manisquan or whatever Shawpoint they were. here I was in Aspen, Colorado, the 4th of July, working. I did something for work that day. And in those days, you went to a place called the hitching post in Aspen, right across from the In-N-Out Sandwich Shop. This is way before. And I robbed that place, in an outhouse. I robbed that place. My buddy from Buffalo, who I seen at the last show in Buffalo, was the sandwich guy there, and he worked for Shlomo.

Shlomo and some other guy, and they used to leave the top window open, so I busted in for 600, 700, This is amazing. But I used to live across the street in this little hotel there in Aspen, down the block from the Aspen Police Station. This is not then. This is a different time. But this time I'm living, I just moved. July 1, I had moved to Snowmass Village.

I was living in Besort, Colorado, which is where Goldie Horn lived, with Kurt Russell and the fucking little girl that you see now. Yeah. She was a little girl. I used to see the Mechanico. At the gas station, Conoco. It was the guys who owned it sold hot dogs, and they used to call it New York Time.

Everything in there was New York Time. Oh, well. Wow, we got a call for me. Oh, shit. Good morning. Good morning, Stefan Kastin here. Is this the man, the legend? No, the, is the man, the guy you like to just like you do.

I love that you're doing this. You have no excited. I've been dreaming of this all weekend because it's like I told Lee and my other friends. It's like, you know those stories where people twist a jar and they can't get it? all of a sudden some guy comes along and pops it like your grandma or something you know that's what you did for me with jiu jitsu that easy by reading one of your emails that's pretty cool which email was that you uh you know you wrote an email i got to say maybe four months ago because i i had subscribed to you uh a while ago and then some reason i don't and unsubscribe

i didn't hear from you anymore and then i clicked on again i know never downloaded your stuff, I just subscribed for your emails because I'm not good with a computer like that. Every time I download something, my computer blows up. Something happens. I got to call my wife in the room, so I just don't. And I read an email about you saying that something about shape, that everybody's always waiting to get in shape or something. And you were right. I had the jihitsu school down the block from my house. It's not like it's in three miles away. I was talking to Matt Serra. When he started jiu-jitsu, he had to drive from Long Island to Asbury Park, New Jersey, like two and a half hours just to train.

This was walking distance from my house. It's a great school. It's a John Jack Machado affiliate. And now I've been there for the third month. And this is all because of reading one of your emails. Well, you know, Joey, sometimes you just got to hear something more than once, right? Somebody tells you to do something. You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

And then another person tells you to do something, and you're like, yeah, yeah, whatever. and then finally another person tells you and finally click so maybe you're just in the right place to hear that message at that point it's like there's an arm bar that I really like now and I've been shown it so many times and every time I was shown it I was like yeah okay whatever that's never going to work

and so I discounted it and then finally actually it's probably working in tournament I found myself in the position I was like holy shit maybe maybe I can actually pull this off and I did it and the next thing you know the guy's tapping and then I went back to ignoring it again it like I go get it was a one-off fluke ignored it again never trained it never used it and sparring and then the next tournament I went in I found myself in the same position and I did it again and you know lessons repeat themselves until learned well this arm bar

opportunity repeated itself had that it might actually be a good thing to do. So I'm sure other people have told you that you should be training, you should be working out, blah, blah, blah. And so I was probably going to put on the pajamas and rolled around on the ground with grown men. Now, how long have you been involved with this? I did

judo when I was a kid. You know, jih Tijuana was the origins of judo, and then Brazilian jihitsu is the evolution of judo. So I guess I started when I was about 11. One of my favorite martial arts certificates is a note that I wrote to my mom when I was eight and it said

something like it was written in crayon and a piece of paper it's like I want to go judo it is not fighting I want to go now or I will go and strike and I didn't get to go yeah she was a stubborn woman but it took me another three years of working on it and then I got to train at the Hadeshita Doe at the Hadeshita Judo club in downtown Toronto so it I'd start that. So no matter where I went, I started doing Kung Fu, and I started wanting to do

some karate and some other things. It just kept on coming back to the ground. I guess it started in 1997. Do you know Dan Nassanto, the JKD? Yes, yes, yes, just he just received his blue belt or something, or something, Jiu-Jitsu? He just received his black belt at age.

Seventy-7, I think. Yes, something. I heard something. He's a, most associated with much of the child of as well. I mean, the man's a legend in the martial arts community. So even back in the early 90s, late 80s, he was busy telling everyone that you need to be grappling. You know, they're doing the shoot-fighting stuff in Japan,

and they're finding that most fights end on the ground. So that was a statistic. Most fights end on the ground, and that the Gracie's made a name for themselves around with the old Gracie in action VHS tapes. from with Danny Nassanto and he was saying that they're defining in the pancreas events and the shoot fighting events but most fights end up on the ground you guys should be doing this here's some moves we didn't have sort of a big picture i think jih Tijuana really gives you

it's more of a big picture concept right once you understand that there's only so many major positions and some positions they're better than other positions and really if you can fight the positional battle and then along the way there are some submissions that you can throw in and here's some ways to get from one position to the other. We might call them sweeps. We might call them escapes. We might call them guard passes. I think once you get that idea in your brain,

then you can do a lot of the other techniques make sense. You can remember everything that you've learned. And I was just talking to some guy who, you know, they've got a training group in a garage out in the middle of nowhere, in Idaho or something. And it's still making good progress. They're using, you know, the information that's out there on the internet. You know, the stuff that you can order, you can order DVDs, you can order apps, you can subscribe to email newsletters.

And you put a lot of it together yourself. It's a pretty cool time to be doing this. You get your stuff. I, you know, I have a hard time breathing on my back. I have sleep apnea. And just the fact to walk in there, I get anxiety. Just walking in them. so for me

all those years I loved watching it you know I love I will sit there for hours and watch Marcelo Garcia and Shinyaoki and I would say man if I ever get reincarnated I want to come back as one of those guys and I join kick you know I've always been like you

I've been involved in martial arts I came from Cuba but again it wasn't popular 30 years ago kung fu and karate were Ikeido it was a few Ikedo guys Judo's always been big in Cuba and all that, but I wasn't even a judo guy. I didn't like any wrestling. I played basketball and football. So for me, it was very foreign.

And here are my friends, I'm going on road trips with these guys, and the whole conversation, they're talking about Jiu-Jitsu. So I would watch it. I knew what they were saying, but it was so distant to me. And, you know, it's amazing how even those guys made it seem like it was sign. In life, people always make things seem. like there's so far away from your grasp. You know, in this country right now,

we all suffer from obesity and everybody's overweight, but they always seem like the solution is so far from your grasp, but it's so very easy. And for you to simplify it for me, I read all your emails. If I'm on the road and I get an email from me, I save it, and I read it because I've already learned from reading your emails. Because if I read them before,

I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about. But now that I'm doing it and I'm in there, and I'm trying to, you know, pass his guard. And, you know, for a big guy like me, side control was great. And it's so interesting for me. It's like I'm starting a new thing. I think about it when I'm driving now. A lot of things seem a lot bigger than,

and a lot scarier until you start doing them, right? How do you eat an elephant one bite at a time? How do you, when I was, I'll talk about this in a non-jigreezy context, when I was in my late teens and the early 20s, I did a lot of canoeing. And I wanted to do some big trips, right? I read about, you know, the voyagers who used to travel all summer long and live out in the bush.

That sounded really cool. But, again, it sounded completely outside the realm of possible. But, you know, you start going on trips with friends. Then you start going on the occasional little one day, then you start going by yourself. Then you start going on a two-day trip or a three-day trip by yourself. And then, you know, you work up to it, And eventually, next thing you know, you're traveling across the country by yourself.

And if you tried to jump from zero to hero, all in one big giant leap, you'd fail. So the important thing really is to get started. And I think that so many people get stuck with getting started. That's why I think in jih Tjitsu, the hardest belt to get, hands down, isn't the black belt, isn't the blue belt, isn't the purple belt, isn't the brown belt? It's the blue belt. So many people never get started. and so many people get started

and they never make it past that initial one or two months of difficulty. Like the first one or two months in Jiu-Jitsu are bloody difficult. Oh, my God. I find myself... Well, it's not as hard as, you know, because I've been kickboxing the last year and I get on the epileptical.

I'm always doing something. So it hasn't been like I walked in there 300 pounds from day one and dying. My cardio's bad, but what makes it bad is that I have anxiety so when I find myself out of breath I feel like I'm going to die

and I got to get up and take my belt off and my gaitop off and breathe but you know the first week I walked in there I got to tell you I had never done sides you know uh shrimps before you know I had never done that before and I probably did four of them and almost had a cardiac arrest

but now three months later I'm doing half the size of the room now And I do them in front of the TV at night. I do the regular shrimps and the reverse shrimps. I do them in front of the TV. And I'm starting to do the other little drills by myself. And now when I'm home alone, I'll get on my back, and I'll get in the guard, and I'll kick my legs around.

Just little things, because I know everything helps at my age. You know, I love to be able to go in there five times a week. But you and I both know in the beginning, I would die. I would lose after. His hardest classes are Mondays and Fridays, because the black belt comes in and he does like this madness before it of cardio and jumping up and down

I'll do those I've been to them the problem is I can't do none for four days afterward so it defeats the purpose you get older and your body isn't used to doing that yet it takes longer to recover and it takes longer to get in the shape to do that but let me ask you about the anxiety thing do you think because this is interesting

do you think it's fear about getting tapped out because that's where a lot of people get stuck, right? They feel anxious because they don't want to get caught. They don't want to look like an idiot. It's more of a social thing, really. Or is it something else? No, it's something else. Let me tell you something.

The best thing that happened to me is going into Jiu-Zitsu as a 50-year-old is that first time I got on stage in 1991 I sucked. Mr. Kay, I sucked. Sucked. I had an idea what was going on, but I sucked. And it took me two more years to get on stage. And once I did it, you follow me? I know that if I keep going, I'm going to get better the same way I improve the comedy.

With comedy, I dedicated everything I had to it, and I got on stage every night. If I have the same desire for Jiu-Jitsu as I had for comedy, well, now I have the understanding that the more I go, the better I'll get. You know what, I could do a thousand jumping jacks, and I could hire a strength interval coach, I can do all that. You and I both know Matt Time is the most important thing in the world, and I know that from comedy.

I could mind-fuck myself and read Gene Perrette's book on how to write and get a book and learn the arm bar and get the gracey combatives, but you know what, at the end of the day, there ain't nothing like getting on that man and getting your ass kicked. And as far as getting tapped out,

I'll tell you what, Mr. Kay, I don't give a fuck. Because that's what it's all about. Every time I get tapped, I'm going to learn something. I got tapped last week, and I left there and I go, how the fuck didn't I comb my hair on that move? What the fuck is wrong? I know that move. You comb your hair and he can't choke you. But, and I learned it in the car. I realized that was I was starting my car, sweating like an animal. I'm like, he just choked me because I didn't put my arm up.

So. Well, it's a good thing because it puts it back in your power, doesn't it, right? Like, you had the ability to block it. It wasn't something that happened to you or something that you let happen to yourself. It's the But just getting up on, I guess in your case, getting up on stage again and again and again and again and again And you're going to get better

Oh my God You're going to get better. Mr. Kay, I don't know if you understand How bad it is the bomb I'd rather get fucking choked out Okay, because when you get choked out You get choked out on the corner by yourself It's not like a competition

I'm just getting choked on the corner When you die, you die in front of 80 people And then you got to get off stage and walk past those people That is debt. That is the worst. How often does that happen for a professional comic? Like is that once a week, once a month, once a year? Because life works how it works, you never know.

Look what happens Saturday night with Anders and Silver. Okay, he went in there, fuck him. That's where I was going to go. Right. He went in there messing around, blah, blah, blah. But no, the more you do it, it's like jujitsu. The more I go into that class, my percentage is, are getting tapped, they're going to get smaller and smaller and smaller.

I'm always going to have that 20% that some kid could catch me, because you could always get caught, but you learn to control that. As far as the bombings, sometimes you go up there and you just go up there too cocking, and if you catch yourself, you could flip it around and win them over. It's like losing the first two rounds of a fight and then turning it around the third round. sometimes Mr. Kay you just die the first round and you just keep going

I.E. Roger Gracie, it didn't get no better for him the other night. Yeah. It didn't get any better for him. All the props in the world for getting in there, but it just wasn't his night. It wasn't his night. If you'd just know the backstory on every fight,

you know, what was going on? These people who get in there and they don't perform and everyone says, oh, they're bums. Throw the bum out. Well, you know, you don't know if the guy was sick. You don't know if the guy had a horrendous weight cut and just came out of the sauna for 12 hours.

You know, you don't know if he just got a, you know, and his mother just died, got him. Or he's just cutting off day. You know, it's funny with the sports teams. You know, I don't follow baseball that much, but if the Yankees lose a game, no one goes, they're over, they're done, put a fork in a fighter

you'll lose one fight they're like okay that's it he's done let's find the next big thing it's very interesting I am really a fan of yours on what you're doing for Jiu Jiu Jitsu sometimes you get an email

from somebody and it annoys you I can't wait till I get any when I wake up in the morning I got an email from Mr. K K every you know what I'm saying something about Jiu Jitsu some stuff I understand last night I was watching an old one about conditioning with the ball for a bridge and all that stuff.

This is all helpful to people. This is very helpful. This is what you're doing is the Lord's work for guys like me. You know, I'm 50. I'm going to stick this out with Jiu-Jitsu. I'm going to go every month. You know, I try to go twice a week. This week I'm going to try to go three times.

I have the ability to go tomorrow and Thursday and Friday night. I'll take Marcello Madness, and then I can just relax Saturday and Sunday. I know it's going to build my core, but I already feel every time I go I get stronger on the outside I feel that it's making my comedy stronger

it's making my personality a little easier because I'm conquering another one of my fears do you know? Traveling, do you get the chance to go and train at other places? Because that's a really interesting experience too. And I think because really when you start with a bazillion jihadistice,

in a sense, you know, your teammates and the people you train with become your family. Like your extended family, like those weird uncles and stuff, you like meeting. But you're also entering into a larger family because you really can travel around the world and go train at different places. And yeah, occasionally there'll be an asshole. Occasionally I get to a club and it's a training, you know, a jihanna club,

and it's a toxic environment, a bunch of meatheads, who, affliction shirts. But most of the time, most jihitsu clubs, they'll look and you with open arms. If you're traveling and you get the chance, try dropping in at other clubs. You'll get better and you'll meet some really interesting people too. I got to tell you something, that. Like, I just went to San Jose with Lee. And the whole week before I was going to go up there, I was going to pack my ghee and I was going to go to AKA and do the 11 o'clock beginner ghee class on Thursday.

I had radio, so that messed it up. I was just, I couldn't do it. But then I found out that guerrilla jiu jitzu had left AKA. And he opened up a school, five blocks from the improv, and he was having a class on Saturday. But at that point, I didn't bring my ghee. And I was also, I'm still kind of embarrassed about my breathing, you know, on my back.

But I'm sure I would have learned something if I got it. I just picked up another ghee last week. I had to buy shing guards, and the guy gave me because I'm an A6. You know, so geese big thing, they try to get rid of A. sixes so he gave me a deal. So I'm going to travel with that guy. That's only be my traveling gie. In fact, I drew it in the wars this morning.

So, yeah, that's, I wanted just to do, you know, I was very fortunate, UFC a couple years ago in the back at the backstage of the comedy show that I was doing when I got out of stage, Marcelo Garcia was there with Eddie and Matt Sarah. So I got the chance to

pick all three of their minds, you know, a little bit, and you know, Eddie's very pro, no ghee, and And Matt Sarah broke it down. And I have, you know, like I said, I have people. I can't wait to go to Baltimore this year because John Rollo's there. He's a, he's a Gracie affiliate down there. And I remember Matt Sarah saying to me, he goes, you know, anybody who walks into my school, the first 90 days, got to have a ghee on.

After they get the first stripe, they're allowed to go to a no-gee class. But I want them to get the basics with the ghee. You have to feel the key. It's a little slower. Again, I'm 50. I've never done it before. So I wanted to learn straight up. I knew that I didn't know enough to walk into 10th Planet.

So my next step was there was a school that opened a block away from me that the black belt was a John Jock Machado black belt who was also gave Eddie Bravo his first black belt. So the basics and the foundation would still be there, so later on when I would get ready, I could go to 10th Planet. So what I mean... I think it was Eric Paulson, all the grapplers who, you know, who are worried about getting injured

could they got a day job or whatever. They should mostly do GE. They should do a little bit of no GE, but if you do with the GE, you get a slightly overcrowd, often. You get a little bit less, you know, you get less of the young crazy guys that can explode in some flying dynamic heel of, and crank your leg and injury, possibly. So I've never trained a 10th planet.

It sounds like it's a pretty good training environment, but I say in general, The training with the ghee is just a little bit more sedate. You get a few, I'd say, less injuries on average. And maybe for an older guys, it is a better place. It's going to get all these angry emails now from 10th planet guys. Sorry, guys. No, no, no, no.

That coolest. Because what I do do is there's a 10th planet affiliate in Van Nuys run by Alder Hamfield, which he's a great guy. And he does his school. I go up there on Wednesdays and do a private with John Salami, who's one of these black belts. But he also received this first black belt with a ghee. So he likes training both, and he likes the ghee.

It's his birthday tomorrow, is 46. So he's an older gentleman also, and we work together on Wednesdays for an hour. But the beauty is that in Van Nuys Tenth Planet, Alder has fundamental classes, no-gee classes. But Tuesdays and Thursdays, he has a G-Class. It's Tenth Planet, but with a G-Class. This is why I like that aspect of,

of his school up there. So I've been going up there once a week and I tell you, you're absolutely right. You know, the school where I go to now, VMAQ, has three instructors, one black belt and two purple belts and I get a different flavor from them every time I go.

I really do. It's very interesting and then now the flavor I get from John Salami, I'm really enjoying this. And then the emails from my man, Mr. K, I'm putting something together here, you know what I'm saying? When Canada lets me in, I'm coming to visit. Trust me, when Canada lets me in to do a comedy show,

I'm coming to your beginner class on Saturday morning. I mean, ultimately you've got to put together your own game, right? Yes. It's not going to look like my game. It's not going to look like Marcelo Garcia's game. Unfortunately, I would love my game. Oh, me too. Be a carbon cop here.

But the reality is it's not going to be. I've got a different body. He's got injuries. I've got injuries. You've got injuries. and they're not the same injuries, right? You've got strengths, I got strength, and he's got strengths,

and they're not necessarily the things. We think at different rates, and, you know, that's really, one of the cool things is how it becomes eventually, like, you know, you spend your first year or two learning the basic techniques. Whether you're doing it with the ghee, without the ghee, doesn't matter.

Here's the stuff that you've got to learn. And then, so we'll say roughly to Blue Belt, which is the first belt in Brazilian jigsian. And like I said, it's the hard. And after that, you start, you know, building and developing your own unique game. And I'm sure that when we talk again in a couple of years, you're going to have, you know, a game that's adapted to your body

and your mentality. And it'll be really a personalized game. You're a beautiful. You have your own way to pass the guard. You have your own way to choke me out, all that kind of stuff. It's such an interesting. I never did it before. And like I said, you know, when I was growing up in Jersey and New York, it was kung fu, karate, judo.

There was no Brazilian jiu-jitsu. This took over. You know, when I came to L.A. It was the first time I really started hearing about Brazilian jihitsu. And then there's a lot of Armenians out here in Russians, and they teach regular jiu-jitsu. But, you know, talking to Joe. Joe was the first guy that really pounded it into me. Oh, you should go.

At that time, I had other things on my mind. Jiu Jitza was the last thing on my mind, but it's very interesting. And for something to sweep me off my feet like this at this age, and it's helped my stand-up. It's helped me all around. So how can people get a hold of your stuff, the downloads and the apps? I've got all kinds of apps and DVDs and online training programs, but really the best thing you do is just to go to grapple arts.com

and sign up for the email newsletter. If you don't like what you get, you just unsubscribe. It's either. The link at the bottom of every single email, click on that, and I'll never send you anything ever again. But if you don't do that, I'm going to send you all kinds of cool stuff with links to, you know, things like my YouTube videos,

and there's a ton of YouTube videos out there that I've done, or things to, you know, various interviews and podcast techniques, apps, all that sort of stuff. I think the central hub, would really just be that email newsletter, which is grapplerch.com. I'm glad that you're getting value out of those emails and the links that I'm trying to send you to. You know, man, a lot of people make the mistake of knowing at all,

and I'm not one of those guys. I don't know at all, so I got something to learn, I read. That's the easiest system. You read and you apply it. I wanted to tell you something. You know, I go to a kickboxing school, great school, great, Movie Thai America, great coaches, great teachers. And when I walked in there, I don't have to tell you, I couldn't last around.

Not around. Just throwing punches in the air. I would keeled over. And now I do the whole class, you know, and he has me warm up the crew. And this is my eighth month ago in there. But before I did two years of one Hopwindow, and like I said, I loved martial arts since coming from Cuba. But there was a kid in there.

Again, was a young kid, and I've been watching him. And he was a black belt in Taekwondo, and he wanted to take kickboxing. because he wants to fight. And we were talking one day, and he went over to VMAQ and joined the Jiu-Too program. And he was going to fight. He was going to fight. He was going to fight.

He was in a fight. But I heard when I went over to V-MAC, I never saw him anymore. And he told me one day that, you know, he got choked out a couple times, and his feelings got hurt. He wasn't used to the... He had never really experienced that before.

And I could see that happening to me at 20. I could see something like that happening to me like quitting, getting my shit together and going to a different school, not going back there. At 50, I see getting tapped as I'm going to learn something. So when I walked in there, Mr. Kay, I knew for a fact that I had the right attitude. I'm really going in there to get in shape.

That's my number one thing. I know if you do that three times a week, that belly will go away. You cut out the sodas, that belly will go away, you know? So that was the reason I walked in there, really, was to get in shape and maybe learn a few arm bars and stuff like that. I don't want to fight. I don't want to choke nobody out in real life.

I just want to do it to get healthy. And that's the final result. People's the reasons for training change over time, too, right? Like, right now it's to get in shape and maybe to challenge yourself. But maybe ultimately it's going to be because it makes your comedy better or because you decide to compete or because you decide. decide that there's some other goal. I know when I started martial arts years and years ago, like most young kids, I wanted to

be able to take care of myself. I wanted to, you know, gotten a fight. I wanted to be able to lay down. I wanted to not lose. And, of course, that's still important years and years later. But really, if after almost 35 years of martial arts training, you can't do that, you're doing something wrong, first of all. Now my reasons for training are have a change in a vault.

Mostly it's because it's fun. It's because it's a good workout. You know, yeah, you can go to the gym and you can... Why not lift weights and do partying the same time? Wall on the ground to your friends. I mean, what do do do? A birthday party before you know what all the boys and some of the girls are rolling around in a big puppy pile.

What are grown adults do when you're having fun like that? The kid who used to train that doesn't anymore, One thing a lot of people have problems with That's under-acknowledged, I think In jihitsu, pretty comfortable We're all comfortable talking a range of two to three feet You and I having this conversation We'd be sitting two or three feet away from each other

If we were doing it If I come up to you and I'm like three inches from your nose And talking to you, you'd start feeling weird And I'd peeking out a little bit from the claustrophobia And it's something that can be It can be overcome I mean you can argue about what percentage of fights end up on the ground,

and I think it's pretty high. But I'll tell you, a gigantic percentage of the rapes, medical contact, and if that intense physical contact with somebody that you don't know flips you out, your brain just turns off, right? You're hyperventilate, hold your breath, your brain shuts off. So I think it's learning to deal with that.

Some people are doing convicted. No, no, I understand. I even consider my daughter. once he gets older, learning jiu-jitsu. Because you got to, you got to learn. You got to learn. So how can they find you? C-R-A-P-L-E-R-T-S dot com.

Now what's your book called to download the big... Well, part of what I'm trying to give people with that series of emails that you're talking about, there's a book called A Roadmap of Brazilian J-Jitsu, and it just lays out, this was the stuff that I was all those years ago. You're doing it start. You know, it's like a...

It's not the hot for easy to get to. Mr. Kay, thank you. This is Stefan Kesting I'm talking to. Thank you very much for calling in. I'm a fan. I appreciate the emails on what you're doing. Your ambassador for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, you savage up there in Canada.

And when I do get up there to do a show, I will contact you and hire you for a private or roll around something. I want to learn something from you. I'm going to do it, Joey. Thank you so much for having me on the show. Thank you very much, sir, for coming on. I appreciate you. Have a great day.

It's really cool when people like that call. And I didn't know those he was calling in today. That's cool. Listen, man, I just want to pass the people. I want to pass the people who have inspired me. And sometimes people don't know. It starts with an email. How do you get connected with him?

Because he's in Toronto. It sounded like that. Yeah, I went online and I was thinking about beginning jujitsu, so I wanted to see what I was getting myself into. And his thing came up, and I subscribed for the emails. Oh, that's cool. I think you know him from like comedy. Oh, you just started talking to him online.

Online, yeah. But I thought he was very interesting, you know. and that's it. I just want, you know, in life, people always seem, they make you seem like what your goal is is so fucking distant. It's like another fucking planet.

You know, it's anything from a diet to lose. Look, you lost 70 pounds. Was it hard? Yeah. Did you fucking kill yourself? Did it die here? Did it change you? Yeah, you learn little things about yourself, you know?

Women are hitting out for you and you're handsome. You got some gel on your hair. You're like born of Miss Collins and fucking 83. So listen, man, whatever you want to do, play the guitar, you know, whatever, play the drums. People always say that, well, it's hard. Everything's fucking hard. But it gets a lot easier. The more you do it, the more you try, and you never know what the result's going to be.

So don't ever let anybody scare you away from your fucking dreams. That's all. That's why I got this guy on that, because it's one of my dreams to learn Jiu-Jitsu and the beat. I don't want to be a black bottle. I don't want to be on TV. I just want to learn to fucking breathe and to just be normal and go and have some place to go three times a week. where my life's not surrounded by comedy and women and my kids and, you know. Is it getting easier?

Fup, no. Yes, it is. I'm lying to you. Yes, it is. My breathing is coming along. And what do you mean breathing? Like, Oh, man.

You know, from the reefer and the cigarettes and the sleep at me and the weight, you know, it all piles up to one. I'm sure if I lose 80 pounds, my breathing will get better. And this is why I go to Jitsu, so my breathing gets better. It seems like I got a minute and a half. Jiu-Jitsu in me, but it used to be 10 seconds when I first went. Yeah, you just broke an hour on the... On the elliptical. Yeah, it used to be like 45 minutes.

Oh, my God. I was stuck on 35 minutes forever on the elliptical. I was fucking stuck on it, but I kept going, you know? And sometimes it pains me, I feel like peeing. Whenever I have anxiety bad, I get to pee. You don't have no idea. There's sometimes I have to run off the mat and go take my gear off and pee. And I have to breathe and I see spots and shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Kick in the door, bro. A little big guy. I got to go to the back room real quick. And people. Talk to these people. Okay, yeah, I'll talk about Hulu. So we're still brought to you by Hulu Plus. The girl was over here this weekend, another girl I've been seen, and she loved South Park. And South Park is on Hulu Plus, and so is 21 Jump Street. And, yeah, it's fucking awesome, guys.

I know Joey and I talk about it and we don't really have that much, we don't really have sponsors, but it's really a cool service. So go to Huluplus.com slash Joey, go to joey-d-s.net. And, you know, just do whatever. Just sign up. It's free. It's fucking awesome. So I'm going to give you a little bit of music, and then we'll be right back.

Oh shit, oh shit It's Monday Cocksucker wake up Get out there Mug somebody Biggie Kick in the door Waving the 44

All you heard was Papa Don't hit me no more What's up Lysayette What week was this This week got me so fucking hi This is good fucking weed This is get up on Monday morning Wash your pussy

It's gonna be a beautiful day To fucking be alive Let me give you some shoutouts Happy birthday to my girl Gene you bad mother fucking you and your husband listen to the show. I want to give a shout out to Sophia the cat. A year ago she passed away her.

Hope her little cat spirits up in fucking heaven. My man, Greg Powers, Danielle Estrid, Ziggy's 209. One of the best weed shops up there in Stockton, Frankie Wells. Welsh Guard, Neelya Samuels, the Jew is back. Kiko Keel, J.T. Russo, Josh McGinn, and Brian Pekulis. I love your cocksuffers. You know what I'm saying? They're awesome.

It's a beautiful day. It'll be a lot. Remember, Wednesday's podcast is not going to be at 6 a.m. It's going to be sometime in the afternoon. I will keep you posted

on Twitter and fucking Facebook. We're sick and tired of waking up early. It's all over. We want to switch it up in the afternoons. We're doing two live fucking podcast in August, August 14th, and August, like 28th. We're doing a live one at the Ice House,

July 31st. So I'm in Philly. From the 18th to the 20. You ready for this shit, Philly? Then the following week, the 25th and 26, I think I'm at the Ice House with Don Marrera, four shows.

Oh, cool. Then that Wednesday, I'm at the ice house again with Lisa I had. Hopefully that's the... We're not going to take the fart to the face on the... We'll take the fart to the face August 14th. That's always a good date to take a fart to the face. You know why?

I have a doctor's appointment. No, you don't. You know why? Because August 15th is the anniversary of me doing time. So when I got subjected to the fucking six years in prison. What does that do with me taking a fart to the face? I want to celebrate the right way. I want in the fucking back room to pee.

I open up the door and there's your room. Change it. And the whole time I'm peeing. I'm pissed off. I should open up the door. five minutes earlier. I would have seen a fucking shaving a monkey or something. She's got banging fucking body.

She really does. I should stab me in the fucking eye. You missed that on that. Grupo. I'm so fucking stone. Oh, that ankles, like, just licking that little fucking monk, wow. You wouldn't know what head of you, sick bastard you. Jesus Christ.

What else is going on, Lee? Tell me something good. I was, when you were talking to Mr. Kay, I was thinking about it, what do you like what do you think about because i was thinking if musicians have a bad concert they're kind of like you talk a lot about like you can turn on an audience around with like that's sometimes that's sometimes but like they can do like i was saying they like the band i went to see closed with like a fan favorite like in people get mad at comedians for doing old jokes like do you ever like wish you could be like a musician and do like your greatest tits and like still tore around or when do you get bored or?

I can't do the same fucking jokes, bro. Yeah. I got to switch that shit up. I don't know what the fuck. I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. I have a hard time with that. So if you went around for, if you were like... The Testicle Testaments, I would have 3,000 stories and switch them up every night.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I don't know what I'm going to fucking say until I get there. You know, with comedy, I have an idea, but not really. I might go into a different tangent. You see it. Yeah. So, that should have doing the same. fucking set every night, seven nights a week

you could suck my dick. Something interesting has got to happen to you that you can talk about on stage. It's getting shaken down on the plane, losing a wallet, something. When I go see a comic a year later, and he's got the same jokes, I get sick to my fucking stomach. Especially if he's a friend of mine, because something's had to happen.

You know, there's some days I write and there's some days I don't write, but something always fucking happens that you could talk about. Right or wrong? Something's got to happen that you could put a twist on, you know? So, that's basically where we fucking stand today. You follow me? We had a great call.

It's a beautiful fucking Monday. It's a beautiful day. You had a beautiful fort. You had a great weekend. It's a great day. Go out there. It's sunny out. It's July the fucking 8th, people. Go out there and get your shit together. Get the want ads. Do whatever the fuck you need to do. I don't give a fuck. Get a sandal. Get a fucking park bench.

Lay there. Get some sun. Just get out there. Don't sit on the couch. Nothing good happens on the couch. It's your day. Make the best of it. You got to fucking waste your fucking time. Besides that, that's it. We got on it. Go to Honet dot com and cut the fucking shit. I'm telling you right now. That stuff works. That stuff is fucking the next level of fucking vitamins and health nutrients and whatnot. Whether it's alpha brain, whether it's the hemp protein, whether it's a shroom tech, whether it's a strong

bone and you go, Joey, but you keep fucking repeating this because I'm telling you to go to fucking on it.com and see what they got to offer. There's got to be something there to make you stronger to make you a better person. You're like, but Joey, what the fucking shroom tech is 24? Isn't it, aren't you worth 24, fucking 99 plus shipping handling? You're going to get 10% off if you put you. church in the fucking box start slipping you know what that testosterone stuff is phenomenal from what i'm hearing the tea they got is fucking phenomenal okay so get your shit together what are you gonna tell them about hulu plus i'm gonna sit there like a bump on a fucking log on monday and

stare at me because you're stoned again it's your fall i'm gonna tell them that when they're at home and they're feeling good because they did strong bone and smelled joey's 18 farts this morning they should smell you know those farts of course it did you lean forward and just winked in me You heard it. Did you smell it? I don't know. I smelled it the night of the club when I almost passed out. If you smelled it, you would open up that fucking door. The reason when I ran in there was the shit.

She's lucky she's in there getting ready and I held it back. She thinks. Yeah, so now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Like I said earlier, there's South Park. There's 21 Jump Street. I just found out there's everything you want. Go to our homepage at joey-d-d-d-s.net and click the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial or go to Huluplus.com

slash Joey. Again, that's Huluplus.com. Today. Slash Joey. Right now. Why fuck around. Go to Hulu. Sign up. They're giving the opportunity for free. Go. Go sign up and see what they got to offer. If you don't like it, fucking two weeks, you go back on your life and fuck Hulu Plus. But you're going to love it.

If not, I wouldn't be giving you two weeks if you're not going to fucking love it. Go to Hulu Plus and cut the shit. It's Monday. There's no time to fuck around on Mondays, people. I don't know how you live your fucking life. Thursday, you want to fuck around. Go ahead. But on Monday, you gotta fucking live the right way.

It's Monday, cock suckers. What do you got from it? What type of music? Do you want to do going back to Cali? Let's do fucking going back to Cali. What the fuck? From the beginning. Yeah.

Because we're in Cali, but you're coming back for some reef. I love you, people. Have a great day today. Wherever the fuck is out there looking after you, I hope they fucking give you a little blessing. Go out there sling some dick. If you're not thinking about getting your dicks up today

when you leave the house, go back to bed. Why waste your time? You're not thinking about going out there and fucking somebody in the ass today. When you're getting in your, calling you're starting to car up you're like Jesus fucking Christ who am I gonna fuck in the ass till they ain't coming in their neck just a bet stop wasting your

time hit it Lee beep-be I like the whole rap in the beginning why is this what's going on here Lee is there supposed to be a break I don't speed it up a little bit more big wake up oh diddy what the fuck man so um um seven big big I'm up yeah I hear you dog I hear you man all right seven 30 Plan. Flight 406 to Cali. All right this down. Cali, watch. 404.

Oh, Cali. Yeah. Got to go make that paper, bitch. No doubt. All right. Let's do this. I'm up. Up.

He's up, cocksucker. Yeah. Oh, shit. Here you go. Oh, shit. Oh. Thank you for listening to the church today. Go to honnet.com.

Hulu Plus make it happen. Go to joycocodias.net. Get a T-shirt. Look where I'm at next week. Let's get down, motherfuckers. What? Hit! That your hat can't fit you.

Either I'm with you or a get through that maze I fit. That flame right. Tell my name right. B.I. Double G.I.E. Ice out. Nights out. Me and see the little chutter.

Nobody do it better. And the weed. Stick it up in the hood. Got me mixed up.