The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 07/10/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #96

Episode Date: July 11, 2013

Our first in studio comedian guest. Jerry Rocha is live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial.

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, S&L, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Let's try this again for the ninth fucking time.

It's Wednesday, July 10th. May the good Lord be looking over all you motherfuckers, whether it's Gandhi, Buddha, Jesus, Satan, whoever the fuck it is, it's going to be a beautiful fucking show today. Usually we come at your 6 a.m. creeping while you sleep. But today we're doing a la carte.

You know what I'm saying? This is 9 on Wednesday's out of cart. No more fucking news stream. Only Monday morning so you can see us in full effect. I got an in-house guest today, my man. Barry, Boo Boo La Rocha. As always, my guberich over there. What happened to the music, dog?

Oh, I thought you were introducing Jerry. I'm introducing my main fucking soldier over here, aka John Polito with three cheeseburgers. But you do look like John Politi a little bit. I'm telling you. I'm going to have to look this up. I don't know if I should be insulted or not. What did insult?

What was the last time I insulted you? Yesterday. Eight minutes ago. Why did I insult you? You know, I love you. The fucking thing is down. Unbelievable, but we're back, it's a beautiful day, get this music going, I gotta spark up a number.

I have to respect for fucking David Gilmore, and the rest that monster. Hit it Lee. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm talking about? This is the fucking way to open a motherfucker show up with these savages showing up at your house.

A joint in your hand, you got your feet, they're stinking. But who gives a fuck? They're on the couch. Got the earphones on, people are looking at you? Who gives a fuck? He goes, Oh shit I should have brought that quaila

Oh you didn't No because I gotta drive I'll be fucking playing bumper cars That's how you drive anyways I don't drive for no fucking bumper cars What's happening Lisa? Not much buddy You're doing good

It feels weird to do a podcast in the afternoon But we had to switch it up a little bit So Mondays are going to be live on you stream Wednesdays they're a la carte Liseo drop it on you Wednesday night like two in the fucking morning. And then that's it. We're doing two live.

We've been telling you, so stop. All right, stop. Don't fucking hit me up on Twitter. Joey, no fun. Who's staying in the way? Who gives the fuck? Just Monday's only live. What's happening?

Jerry. How you doing? Thanks for having me, man. You know, man. Look at Jerry with his fucking Pink Floyd shirt. I'm right. Representing there. He's got his fucking sharp glasses.

He's probably got a Spider-Man underwear on us. It's my man, Jerry LaMocca. I've known Jerry Lamoka. What, 12 years? 12 years. We met it. Since the old Paso fucking comic strip. one of my old aunts.

I did everything in fucking El Paso. Do you know that Downs, Ups, heroin, Blackthaw? Even went to a Burlington Coat Factory with me. Oh, you could eat Chinese buffets. Yeah. We used to fuck it up down there. Fucking, no call to the in-house guest

right here rocking it with us. Look at fucking Lee. Looking on a show. We're talking about John Polito. Let me look him up. It's a fucked up situation. This guy was a... The crow.

He was the guy who ran the pot shop in the crow. This guy's been around, dude. He's great. He was fucking great. But I, you know, in 85, I was a big Miami Vice fan. 84, it started. Like in 87, when it was just going downhill Miami Vice, they were just snort and blood. Was that when Sheena Easton was on the show and all that?

Yeah. They were just killing it. In fact, I seen a bad episode from 87 the other day. It's on the morning. And I came back doing a podcast that was on one of those channels, CMT. And they had a character. to the last season. It was when Crockett lost his memory.

And he went to the other side. Oh, no. That sounds terrible. That sounds like the worst idea. It was fucking terrible. And the guy he was working against was a guy called El Gato. Okay.

And that was John Toledo. And El Gato was John Polito with a fucking silver cape on with silver gloves, with two good-looking dudes, with long hair, slinging dick. Oh, I know John Polito. Fuck, yeah.

fuck you look like John Paulito. No, I don't. If you're juiced all the way to 150, people would hug you on the street. I can't pull off that mustache. You know what he was great in? Do you see Barton Fink?

Did you ever see Barton Fink? Dude, when he played, because you know, he told me the story. Because I used to work at that bookstore down on Ventura, and he would come in all the time. And I said, look, I never would bother the celebrities. But I was like, I have to, but dude.

I said, you were so fucking good. And because it filmed him, one after the other, Miller's Crossing and then Barton Fink, the call, I said, you were so good in both those movies. And I said, and you play two polar opposite characters. Because in Miller's Crossing, he's like the really loud, you know, the Italian mobster. I can't get him off my back. Yeah. And then in Barton Fink, he's like the meek, you know, Quay, who used to run the studio, but then he got bought out.

And then they kept them around as like the butler for the new studio head. And he said that he, when they showed him the script of Barton Fink, he got insulted that he was in the studio. head. He wanted to be the brash loud guy. But then he didn't want to play the meek role. But then one of the Cohen brothers' girlfriends saw him at a restaurant and said, you have to do it. Just do it. So he did it. He said he got

a shit ton more work because of it. He just playing two completely polar opposite people. He said he got a lot more work after that. He was so... Dude, that's a compliment. Lee, you're a handsome motherfucker. But if you get to gel and point your hair that way, you'll look like John Paulito and fucking the crow. And my

Miami Vice, Season 5. But here's the funny thing. So I do this movie named, like, I never met John Polito. But here's one of these guys I watched growing up, man. The idea I did The Laugh Factory and fucking... Right. And Paul Rodriguez is there. And then I got my corner to the Ha-ha, and Damon Wayans is there.

On the way home, I was like, you know, 15 years ago, I would look up to those guys. Like, Jesus Christ. You'd lost your mind. They were so far away. Yeah. Like, I was so far away from that goal. And now I walk in there, they give me a hug.

Like, Damon gave me a big hug. Oh, Paul Rodriguez is talking about Cubitum. He gave me a big hug. And it's so weird. Like, now I'm one of them. That's great. I'm one of them. Like, I became one of them.

Like, not a star or nothing, but I'm a comic. And they know I'm a comic, and I know they're a comic, and they give me that mutual respect. It's very weird when you're a loser. He's just crack jokes. But do you see in the eyes of other cars? Like, now when you go to a room, like, if you go to Lafaxe,

when you see, like, the younger, newer, comics, they look at you the same way that you would have looked at Rodriguez or Damon Wayne 15 years ago. They're all like, oh shit, it's Uncle Joey. Like, you know, that's that same vibe, man. That's crazy. That's crazy when I used to see like Dice or Eddie Griffin. I saw Eddie Griffin

the first night I walked into the comedy store and I thought I was in the shit myself. And the black kid from The Last Dragon. Oh, yeah. The Black, Tupac, the Karate Kid, Kupac, whatever his name was. I saw him, I almost had a fucking heart attack.

And then when I saw Andrew Dice Claire, I thought I was really gonna have a lot of. Leroy Green? Yeah. What's his name in real life? Leroy Green. In real life? To Mike.

No, that's what it is. To Mike? Who the fuck you think of him? Tymoch. Lee, he was Bruce Leroy. He never seen that movie either, did you Lee? I'm gonna have to fucking tie you up and make you watch that.

That's a classic movie. You know what movie is fucking great? You know what movie? You know what movie? What's that? And I got talks about some shit, but I'll tell you what movie. You know, listen. a film, a good film is a movie that you watch

and every time you see it, you know it's good, but every time you see it, you catch another detail. Absolutely. You catch the actor come through. At first you see the film for what it's worth, and you see the value of the director, but the more you see the film, little things, you see the value of the actor.

You're like, God damn, look what that motherfucker just did or whatever the fuck, Batoa. Guess what movie came on when I got the baby? The baby falls asleep sometimes. You can't get up, you can't scratch your balls, you can't change the channel. You know, so sometimes it's on Dora the Explorer, sometimes it's on Goobie Zumbies.

You know, you don't know what the fuck I'm going to end up and I'm the type of a motherfucker, I'll sit there for her. I don't want to move her. If I get 30 minutes out of her, trust me, you fucking sit there. Silence of the lamps. Oh, yeah. And I'm trying to get fucking Jamokia to watch it. You've never seen that?

I don't like horror movies. Explain to him, it's not a horror film. It's a psychological. It's a mental fuck. It's a mental fuck. I watched Rosemary's baby. No, no, no, no. That's a horror movie.

That's a horror movie. That's a horror movie. You got to. That freak me out. But I saw a movie 30 fucking times. You know, people always say, Joey, talking about more movies. Bang! Here you go.

Because my man here is a fucking movie, music, nerd, computer, comic books, so we're dropping it today. And we got my man Lysia who's a master of everything. You know what I'm saying? You put them on Jeopardy. He'll stump Alex try to back. You know what I'm saying? So, speaking of Jeopardy, a show that they need to bring back,

Joey and I, if we went on it as like a team, we would mop rock and roll Jeopardy. They used to show it on VH1. It was Jeopardy, but all classic rock trivia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would run the table. We would run the table. We'd fuck it up.

But let me explain some to you. I'm sitting there and I got her, and it's the scene where, first off, he's fucking masked up already. Yeah. Like, he's got the fucking mask out, and the guy's cursing him. And also, that pull him off her plane and that hot senator, because she's attractive. She's got to be 55. Bang it, you would fuck her with a couple of cocktails. She walks up in and they all stopped.

And he just got. and he just starts going off he's like senator I'm not gonna waste your time he just starts dropping it out of and he looks mean he's fucking badass he's got the mad the most famous probably most famous masks in movie history

yeah and you can see his lips talking to it yeah and then he goes can I ask you something Senator did you breast milk or what yes he goes did you breast feed your daughter yeah and she's like what and he goes did it make your nipples hard and he goes get this animal out of him As she turns, that's when he starts dropping knowledge.

5'10, 6 blonde hair, medium bill. I met him one time. He hung out with whatever. They went under the name of Buffalo Bill. It's a great scene. It's just fucking amazing. And then they pull him away,

and you see him fucking, the guy goes to sign him off, and he can't find his penalty. Oh, my God. And right there, you don't think nothing. He just can't find his fucking pen. Okay. And you see Hannibal Lecter doing federal.

That's the moment you know he's bringing himself. He's bringing himself. self out of there. So now they flashed to this fucking scene where she's talking to the Gop and she's trying to get in. She's got his paintings. This is Jody Foster now comes back. One of the greatest actresses is.

Talk at a war time. And he walks into his room. They got him in a room with three guards with a cell built. Okay. And he's in there with a fucking curtain. Listen to opera music. Yeah.

And the Gop says, look at this motherfucker. He ordered lamb, rare. Extra rare lamb chops. Okay. There's the second heaving of it. So he walks in, they say, kneel down, get against the thing. He has to put his arms like that, and they handcuff him, and they go in his room. This is how dangerous he is.

He's just dangerously. You cannot even fucking take your eyes off him. You know what he is? He's a cannibal. He's a cannibal. He was a psychiatrist. He was a fucking patient. Eat his patience.

He would get in their brains and then fucking literally eat their brain. But you see him. They handcuff him. He takes the handcuff off. And all of a sudden, the one guy's going, moving his painting. He left his paintings there on purpose. 20 times I saw the movie Just caught that

Let the paintings there on purpose So the guy had to put him to the side Puts the dish down And when the guy goes to turn around Fucking animal life He grabs his wrist And throws Lee, your heart stops He grabs his wrist

And just cuffs him quick Doob, chump, boom And the guy's face He just dot Lee, you just die It's amazing It's two seconds Bing bang boom Get this Puerto Rican out of my room

This is fucking lightning quick And this motherfucker just You just see he's a guy's great actor about it. He just goes up and all of a sudden the other cop and he can't find the fucking key. This just happens Lee. And all of a sudden he comes out of one of those

Caboodo Tonfus and just starts whipping him and then as he's fucking killing him there, there's blood he's over there listening to opera music dressed up. It's amazing. Lee, it's fucking amazing. And how he gets out of there and what happens how he calls her. But while he, the scene that I

had watched a million times, Lee, this is how retired I am. This is why I got to stop smoking Reefer. He's in the middle. She comes charging in. It's like when I come in here with a story for you, Lee. You're not going to fucking believe it. We went down there and Austin, you're like,

and he's stopping it. This is the brilliance of it. And he's throwing things out of it, right? And she's asking them questions, and he's like, nice that you're going to send me to Anthrax Island. He's goofing on her. He's goofing on it with shit. It's like, you would be pissed if I was going to send you to

anthrax Island. he's goofing her. He's making a mockery of the whole fucking thing. Yeah, he's just spitting out of him, anthrax Island. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden, she's coming out of, you tell me, you know, and all of a thing, he's like, you never told me the story of why you ran away from your house. And she's like, and he fucking banged it to the end.

No, no. I'm not going to tell you dick that you tell me why. It was a total mind fuck. Total mind. You see it, Lee. You're like, how did they get this? He took it to it. He said he imitated out of the fud.

Did you ever see that? Yeah, yeah. The studio is brilliant. And he mind-fucks a lea. I'm fucking camera. You can't do this. You cannot do it. It's impossible to do this.

He's mind-fucking. She stops and she tells him the story. I went. Come on, Officer Lector. No, keep going. I went to the farm. What was he? Where their animals died?

No. What did you do? I took one. And I saved them. And she just fucking. And he goes, so the reason you're trying to catch me is so you can hear.

she doesn't want to hear the lambs crying anymore she don't want to hear the land she wants to catch my eyes that's brilliant that is fucking what's the name of that author he wrote a bunch of those fuck Thomas Harris Thomas Harris is Thomas Harris

Lee this is a guy that you see him as if you're a comic a writer whatever the fuck you're trying to do in the entertainment if somebody says Thomas Harris in the room suck his dick because you want that DNA in your fingers take that sperm rubbing on your fingertips and rubbing on your page

even you're an artist If you paint walls, whatever the fuck you do it. If it's created, just suck his dick. Do yourself the favor. Who the fuck? Those books, that's brilliant. And I've spoken to people

who have said to me like, listen, cut it out, Joey. Scornface, all that shit. That's bullshit. Sounds like Lambs. There's some serious people. I'm like, dog. Yeah, that's great.

He's gone with the wind and the godfather. But Sonas of the Lambs is a mental fuck. Have you read the book? Here's, now, which one's better? I read it in a jail. They're both great. They're both great. That's the problem with that fucking whole.

They're both amazing. That's the point. I read three of them. I read three of them. Yeah. Right? There was, he did. Red Dragon is the first one.

Which is the, uh, what? Manhunter's. That was a good flick. The Michael Band movie. Michael Ban. I'm telling you. And you know what? The guy who played Lecter and that was not bad either.

Not bad. Yeah, yeah. You know what was in there? Give him the star of that movie. Uh, the guy from CSI. Fuck. Uh, shit. the main guy from CSI

he was in, fuck me, this is killing me, he was great in that. He was William Peterson. He was great in that. And then he had one seat in the thief.

He touches James Khan's fucking arm. Yeah. And James Khan pulls a gun on him. He was great in to live and die in L.A. too. That was a fucking... Another fucking movie that's on now, for some reason they must owe money. That to live and die in L.A.

has been on for about three fucking months now. And I'm going to tell you, there's a line in there that that I completely stole. In 1985, when that movie came out, and I've been using it for years. And it's one of my favorites.

It's John Tutoro when he gets busted at the airport. He's like 15 years old, dude. It's funny watching how young he is. Oh, my God. And then the guy comes to see him. And he's talking to me and he's like, he's got the fucking, this is how I'm good of an actor. He's got Jared, uh, jah.

What's the pink shit for ulcers? Pepto-Bismosmo. Pepto-Bismore at the visit. And he's drinking Pepto-Bismol. And also at the end, he's like, yeah, listen, no say nothing. He goes, yeah, and I promise not to come in your mouth to the checking in the mail. And he's telling this to the fucking

the star of the movie. And as he goes to get up, he goes, Bing, Bing, and he goes, don't forget about me. That's a classic fucking line. You got that from the movie? That's John Tutu. I think I know where they're playing it again, because that piece of shit. I'm fucking encore.

Every day at 430. Have you seen that piece of shit movie drive that came out two years ago? Oh, it's brilliant. No, it's a rip-off of To Live and Die in LA. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Look his fucking little. We'll give it you a heavy duty, though.

We ain't fucking around. You know, by speaking of the science of the lambs, my favorite part of that whole scene when he's got the mask on, is so what he tells, he tells the senator, because the center's daughter's been kidnapped by Buffalo Bill, the other serial killer. Okay. And so he's like, and he asks, did you breastfeed her? And she goes, why? And then she said, because a lot of times amputees will feel a tingling, like, from their missing limb.

He goes, so when your little daughter's laid out on the slab. maybe your nipple might feel a little bit. Holy shit. And then she just was going to take this thing back to Baltimore. And then that's when he does with Joe. He said, he starts, he describes everything so they can't let him leave yet. He describes Buffalo Bill to a T. And then after he's completely just mind-fucked this senator.

Mind-fucked her. As they're dragging him away, he goes, oh, by the way. Love the suit. Yeah, one more thing. Love the suit. Love the suit. She fucking crap. You can hear of it.

And this is, oh, you know, I'm speaking of Wids, like how brilliant. interview and again something that I never even saw it to like the fourth time I saw that movie is when Jody Foster at the very beginning she interviews him right she because that's a whole point of the movie that's the whole but twice she and that's the same thing as man like Manhunter was about the William Peterson is

trying to catch another serial killer he's the one who busted Lector the first time and the way he beat Lector was he got in his head so much that he started to think like it so that's a great mind fuck too so he had to retire almost because he went too so scared of getting into Lector's

mind that he started to think like lecturers who said i have to fucking walk away well then this other serial killer that they call the tooth fairy starts killing people and he's the they said you're the only guy who can do this he's like fuck all right you know and it's great but like so she goes jody foster goes to see him one thing i never know so that four times i'm saying is he's like the

far end of like the special ward I mean like where they keep these psychos of all psychos in this prison and and she goes in and he's like you know there's six cells he's cell number six at the end of the hallway right okay And so by the time she walks up to his sale, it's one of the greatest shots in movie history,

he's already standing. He's not sitting down. He knew she was coming the minute, and he's just standing smiling through the glass. It's as scary as fucking, like, oh. And then one of the psychos goes, I can smell your cunt. He tells that to her, one of the guys in the prison.

And then he goes, what did he tell you? He told me he could smell my cut. He goes, I cannot. I have myself. I have myself. I'm telling you. It's an education. and itself.

It's an education and it fuck yourself that movie. That movie really fucking is. It's something if you're trying to act or write or whatever, you're trying to get the fuck into the game. If you want to tell a story, if you want anything, direct, and then Joey, the guy's name, the guy who says I can smell your cunt, when she walks away, he literally comes on her.

He's sitting there jerking off. He throws a jizz on her face and she flips out. And because he, Electra didn't give a fuck about her. He was like, fuck her, he gives her nothing. and then the minute he throws jizz in her face he says come back he helps her because he feels bad for her that that guy humiliated her like that so then lecter

the next night he talks that guy into killing himself he just goes up to his cell and they never show it that's what makes it so fucking creepy he's just whispering to him through the cell and that guy just flips out and kills himself and then later on like so she comes back to visit

and he makes like a joke about her boss and he goes are you guys fucking and the guy's name was Miggs she's through the jizz, and she goes, oh, I find that childish Dr. Lector, that's like something Miggs would say, and then he goes, not anymore. That was great. He talked a guy into killing himself.

He talks a dude into killing himself. No, did he say, like, I want to kill yourself, or he just like that? You never see it. That's the mind fuck. It's just, it's implied that you come back and you realize that he talked Miggs and the killing himself. Like, it's so creepy.

And it's, oh, it's genius. I can't get high because if I get high, I'll get freaked out. No, your head will explode if you don't. You might have I given the recommendation for this? If you can find the Criterion Collection DVD version of it, the extras are mind-blowing. So what the warden at the prison makes Lector watch are these televangelist videos to annoy him.

You know, he makes him watch these. And if you get the criteria, all those are, you actually see them. It's crazy. Like the detail they went into that. It's fucking amazing. It's, oh, it's tremendous. If you can find the Criterion DVD version of it, get it. Speaking of movies,

and the Criterion Collection, they have that on Hulu Plus, responsible by Hulu Plus. You can go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joey-diaz.net and click on the banner. I fucking love it. I mean, you must love you on the road.

Have you ever gone to Hulu Pluck? It's the best because you sit there, you just get the internet, get the hotels internet going, right? And then, bam, you stream, whatever. I love it. I love it. So any computer, any smartphone,

on your TV, they have South Park, they have the criterion collection movies, They have the fat, sick, and nearly dead movie that I did the juice fast from. Don't wait. You get two weeks for free. After that, it's only $7.99. And, I mean, Joey says it all the time.

You've got to get all the deals, and I'm a Jew, so I have the best deals for it. So that's it, man. I mean, just go to hulapluss.com slash Joey. This guy signed up again using his mother's name. I did. Oh, I'm going to? Fuck, yeah. It's free.

Great idea. That's how they do it. That's how they do it. You know, when I got locked up. I called the prison where I was I called the whole state of Colorado looking to see if I could shoot a special I talked to I got the number at the thing

I'm going to have somebody call for me and so I don't sound like a fucking fake in a Puerto Rico you know said yourself so let me tell you what happened yesterday you know Monday I came in here I was a little fired up about you were with me Sunday I want you to explain to people what I'm first

all let's get something straight I'm not racist by no fucking means at all No. But if I was racist, I hate fucking, if I was racist, I would hate was racist. I would hate wasp first. And I said that. A couple people got in South, and I understand that you guys meant it the wrong way. No. Listen, Lee is Jewish, but he's half a wasp. But the more we run together, he loses the was. I'm not a wasp. No, you're a nice kid. You're a fucking savage. I just don't understand that you haven't eaten her ass yet. That's only a was. But that's a washmy thing. Wasp don't eat ass. They criticize pornography, you know, whatever. But I didn't mean it like what. No, no. I meant it by this fucking guy that had sandals on. I know exactly what you mean. You don't mean actually rich white people. No.

You mean stuck up people. Stuck up, dummies that are so stupid. Wasp is just, I mean, because no offense. It's a type of fucking person. No, no, it's not like that. So me and fucking Jerry are talking. And as I'm pulling up, I'm telling Jerry about this waspy fuck. And now you witness it.

See, because you people think I make shit to fuck up as I'm walking down the street. You had to see this league. Even you would have got fucking aggravated. So me and my man are chatting offies. I got a green tea. He's got a fucking whatever green tea. You know how you're trying to walk through fucking Marie E.T. We're trying to walk through there.

There's a fucking guy in a car with glasses with those shields on. That's the fucking first sign that you're a waspy fuck. Oh, that's the worst. You don't even go for sunglasses. Right. You put those flip things on. That's 1970 type shit. He's got a Honda car.

Is he eight years old? No. No. He's like in his 40. He's got another waspy fuck sitting next to him. Lee, they couldn't back out. And let's explain to those who don't live out here. There you don't.

Marie ETC is one of the easiest, oh, that place. That's the whole thing, yeah. Yeah, it's one of the easiest parking lots on the fucking world to maneuver around. It's not like you're in, you know, and the guy, dude, he couldn't make it. And then Joey, as we're walking, he looks right into his window, and he goes, keep trying, fuck up. No, you didn't. Yeah. I can't take it at that point.

I just sat behind a fucking guy eating a turkey fucking sandwich in the Italian deli with sandals on. Now I got to bump it to fuck at this guy. You know, he's sure he's just. He goes, keep trying, fucko, and then the guy gets more scared, and he takes him even longer. It takes him

even longer to get out because he's thinking Joey's going to kill him if he can't not get out of the park. So him and his friend, they just get, they both, they looked at it like, literally, like, we could we might as well have been

this two of the most gangster-looking black dudes on the planet. That's how scared they look. We're gonna get the fuck out of here. They thought we were two black thurs ready to roll them. They were like, come on, Mitch, you can do this. He was cheering him on.

Come on, Mitch, you got this, buddy. You can do this. Oh, these guys, it was, they kept going back and forth, back and forth. Wait, it was like, fucking Austin Powers. There's a whole big open entrance to it. Hit it, Lee. It was a little bit of water for you, Lee.

It was. Look at what you? Look at his shot today. It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. And then Joey goes on this beautiful rant that I said he's got to do. Is when you talked about the deli. Then you mentioned waiting in line behind a guy. Want to? Oh, no.

I don't smoke. I don't smoke. I can't do it. I'll tell that story maybe. He fucking Joey tells the story. He tells them about by going to the Italian deli. And what did you say about the people who order, they don't know how to order an Italian deli.

So they, what did you, here's the quote, Joey says, you want, and I fucking couldn't breathe. He goes, they want the same turkey that get at Subway with that thin layer of jizz on it. That turkey at Subway has a thin layer of jizz. Listen, I wanted that turkey, avocado, fucking jalapeno sandwich to work. I would have lost 80 pounds on that turkey fucking sandwich. It's six points.

I went to one day, it was delicious. Two days later, I went again, and they gave me a piece of the turkey, sticking out by itself and had that gloss on it. And I had that gloss that you can see the fucking paw and everything. Like everything they just hit it with a hammer and it squished it and I tasted it. It didn't taste.

It's fucking nasty. It's really bad co-cuts. And that's why I call them communists. Those are the worst people for your health right there. Subway? You ever smell your asshole after you fucking eat Subway? No. Like not going to a yoga physician, the smelling of the asshole. You go to happy baby? You take a shit, you walk out

and you go back in the eight minutes later. going back in the eight minutes and saying you'll doubt yourself. You're like, I got a little doctor's. Yeah. This ain't fucking right. Subway, you take the worst shit after Subway. Subway, yeah, yeah, yeah. Worse in McDonald's, worse than any festival place.

I love Subway. Listen, on the road, when you're broke-assed fucking coffee. That's all you got, man. I lived in fucking the veggie and cheese. Yeah. My favorite footlong with vinegar oil and salt pepper. Good googly-boogly. You can take that motherfucker a long way, dog.

Yeah. That pushes old shit out. That's everything. You got a pound of fucking lettuce. When I was on the road and I had to take a subway shit I wouldn't do it in my hotel because I don't want to ruin it. I would go to a Toys R Us. That's my tip. If anyone's ever traveling, go take a shit in the Toys R Us.

Nobody's there. Why wouldn't you do it in your hotel room? Because you stink it up for every, like, all eight wings of the hotel room are going to smell it. No, you can't shit of Toys R Us. A little kid smells that and he goes fucking bananas. I do. They're the cleanest bathroom.

I smell my shit. I don't want to get another bathroom in that place. Because in about a year, she's going to be in the bathroom. You gotta get a subway ship bathroom? Yeah, everything's shit. In the backyard is horrible. Yeah, the subway outhouse. What's been coming out of my muffler lately is fucking,

because I meet, like, today I ate a nice piece of halibut for lunch. I went to the farmer's market and they had it for like nine. Where's when you go to? You're on Laurel Canyon here, and I got the fucking two pieces of halibut. I got a bag of clams. My mother, my wife made spaghetti your fucking clam sauce the other day. Well, the healthier you eat the worst of this when I was juicing the stinkiest stuff I ever had. Oh, it's fucking pure fucking.

The healthiest shit, you eat like soy protein. It comes out of the worst way. You eat one of those weight protein bars. See what your ass smells like, you can't even finish the shit. You gotta tuck it back of your ass, run out there and give it a breather. You gotta put a fan on and a stick of fucking matches. You need the lector mask.

Oh, and I hate that. And I hate that shit. People like matches. That is the worst smell in the world. Oh, it drives me from. It doesn't disguise it really. It just makes it smell worse. I've lived alone for so long than it.

I haven't thought about it. I had the girl over here for the whole weekend, and I didn't use the bathroom in my room. I used the side. one for that reason but dude just get a candle don't light a I have to can't let a match buy a fucking candle I gotta get you know what real success is having your

old fucking bathroom yeah no question if you really think about that's part of like going you don't want to buy the house but here's the deal honey in that room and building a bathroom and these are dimensions like this is all I want I'll take half my retirement money to invest in that fucking now would you put a TV in it or you literally just want a room to

shit in I want a room to shit it with a shower that I can go right best With a bidet? You want a bidet? Oh, yeah. Turn it on, wash your asshole, and your nuts sacramed behind. The only time I had it was in North Bergen with you in that hotel. Did you use it?

Yeah, it was weird. It was cold, though. I wanted to be, I wanted to be warm water. Cold water is good, because it reduces the hemorrhoids. It's good for the ass. I don't have hemorrhoids. You know, in Japan, they got the thing that cleans your ass, the toilet that you flush it.

Yeah. And it cleans your asses. It's high-powered fucking water. That's tremendous. But there's always residue. And then I go out and I come back because my assholes was on fire. That's the shit that kills me. So I like going right from the shitter, right to the tub.

And I go in there for a little while, you disintegrate it with a paper towel. What the fuck you got? One of those loophers. That's sick. And you clean around the muffler with the lufor to take the sides off. You know how we do it, though. Jesus, I never know you thought so much about it. God, it's disgusting.

It's disgusting. It's fucking disgusting. You got to really think about it. So I would get a nice toilet. No TV. That's a dummy type show on TV. I might because I'll have been there. I like a couple.

books. But then again, you ever take a shit and you've got a book the next day, you're like, I don't want to touch that book, it's got shit in there. That's how I always think. Like, I look at a shitty book, so I don't like taking nothing in there. I take magazines and I make read the whole thing on one shit. Yeah, yeah. So, all I can think about now is, since you guys

fly so much, do you guys shit on planes? I can't. I'll kill you. I can't. No way. Last week a dude did it. Last week a dude did it, and I almost fucking, everybody looked at them weird. Not just me. I looked at them weird after everybody else looked at everybody else looked at him weird. That's fucked up. Dude, even if it's five hours, shit at the airport.

No, shit at the airport. Don't fly. Top off. Yeah. That's disgusting. Because it ruins it for everything. Because they're not that, obviously, I don't care how big of a plane it is. You're going to smell it, you know, at the front, wherever.

It's brutal. It's fucking brutal. I mean, it's, oh, no way, never. Can you shit in public, though? Can you go to, like, a mall and take a dump? I always feel weird about doing that stuff. I'd rather hold it and just wait and go to my back. You know what?

You know what did it, I think, was when I was in living in a mall and, Dallas. I was like, I grew up in Dallas. I was like six years old and we went to this restaurant and I remember I went to the bathroom and the lights were all, it was all off. It was all gone. And it pitch black and then right when I walk in this light, a match comes on and there was just this black dude sitting taking a dump. He just turned on a light and you're sitting here and you take a piss and that motherfucker over there. He goes, but if you got to shit, you got to wait because I'm shit and I'm never going to do another like that. That was too Graz. That was just too weird.

It was like, okay, thank you. I mean, thank you for pointing it out, but I'm getting the phone like, all right, thank you. One of the best things I ever did 10 years ago as a comic was I chucked ego out of the way and I started taking buses. Yeah, did the Graham. There was a part of me that I said, you know what? I got to do this.

When did you take Graham buses? This had to be 98 to 2003. Oh, I think maybe you still do it over. I took Graham buses. And it was an adventure of a lifetime. One of the best, best ones I ever took was from New York 42nd Street to Dallas Improv. Oh, wow. Yeah, dude.

How long did that take? 18 hours. That's a quick one. Yeah, that's the express. That's an easy one. So they don't stop? Like, you just go, you just stop. They stop.

They stop to gas up. But it's not, but they drive through the night and stuff? Yeah, yeah. I guess that's not bad. It wasn't bad. They all drive through the night. Here's the thing. They all drive through the night.

but the express, the ones that aren't express, dude, they're going to stop in every shitty little fucking town. I paid the extra $28, whatever the fuck it was. Because what happened, something happened, I went to New York, and everybody I went to hang out with was busy. You know, life moved on. I didn't know. I was still stuck in 82, and it's 98.

And that's Martin Coke now. They're shooting heroin for now. Something happened. I said, you know what? I got my bag. I called up Graham, and I'm like, listen, Dallas. And they're like, there's a fucking bus that leaves that. 1115 that gets you there like at 5 the next day in the afternoon.

I'm like, are you serious? It was an express. Tremendous. The bad thing is if you got to go to the bathroom. That's brutal, dude. You just got to wait. You just got to hold it to the stuff. You can pee it.

And this was way before 9-11, so I would roll four or five joints. Yeah. I would take a Walkman or a disman in those days. And I would fucking, you know, I made the best with I had books. You know, after a while you learn how to do things. And then it doesn't become a chore. It doesn't become a chore. It's not like, oh, I can't believe it.

You actually enjoy it. Like, I loved, like, when I first started, I did, for about, probably about five-year period, when I first started doing the road, because, you know, a lot of times when you're at the levels, you know, I'm still kind of at that, like, nobody knows who the fuck I am. So, like, especially when you're a beginner, man,

you're going to get calls two days before the show. Two days before. That's what I was doing. Like, hey, can you come and do this, and you can't say no, because, well, I can't say no to them, but, you know, you can't fly because that's, you know, almost a thousand bucks. And then you do, dude,

$78. It's crazy. You'd pay, back then, it was probably, what, 50, 60? That motherfucker used to call me Sunday night. Yes. To be there Tuesday. Yeah, Sunday to be there Tuesday. That's 20, that's 32 hours. 32, yeah, no question.

32, so it's an 11 o'clock from downtown L.A. that gets you there the next day at 4. You got to run home, take a shower, and you're on stage, and you have, because you can't say no at that point. You can't. Because you don't like being, like, you don't like sitting down watching TV. I've taken the bus from Boston to New York, which is four hours, taking that a thousand times.

Easy. Do you freak out on like an 18-hour bus ride? No. But you don't like being confined, really. There's something different about it. Nobody likes being confined, but if I get you by your fucking ear and take you to jail now,

you'll learn how to be confined. You'll take three fucking breaths, and you'll go, fuck it. Here's the deal. When you've got to get from New York to L.A. and your budget is 100 bucks, you'll learn, you can deal. You'll figure out.

Or anything over 100 comes out of your pocket, you know. In those days, it was like, like 189 and I had the money to take the bus like the plane. That was my plan. That was all you could do. To take the fucking plane three days later. I had to be it until Tuesday. I call Tray. Tray is like

fucking come down. We got the room here and I'll put you up so it all worked out. I took buses from New York to Buffalo to audition for the Sopranos. Buffalo to New York. Back to Matt. That's a six hour fucking bus ride my friend. But again when you're at that point you have to do those things because nobody knows who you are so you're not going to get those carte blanche you know

They're like, fuck it, we need you. That happened with El Paso a year ago when my back was all fucked up. He called me on a Monday, hey, can you be here Wednesday? And it's like, you can't say no, you got to figure it out. I mean, because it's, you know, at the end, the payday will be enough to make up for the trip and all that kind of shit. But, I mean, Greyhounds were lifesavers back when you first start doing the road. I had some good times. I can't lie to you.

And I wish I would have wrote about that. Yeah. I wish I would have kept the, I would have wrote, now I would have known how to write. and now I'm going to publish them about those years. And I remember one time when I got on the bus, it was hotter than fuck. I used to schedule for three or four years,

I used to schedule my summers around Syracuse, Buffalo, Rochester, Toronto. This is when I was still allowed to go into Toronto. This was way before 9-11 where I would meet my friends, my friend's, girlfriend's father in Buffalo.

He would take me to his house him and his wife would make me fucking spaghetti they were talking Italian to me then let me take a shower and change clothes he was a gambler the casinos in Canada so he had a special pass so he went through a back road and waved at him and he dropped me in fucking Ontario

and I take the bus to Toronto and then two weeks later I'd come back to the bun and give my license and they go who let you in? I came in last week nobody said nothing get the fuck out of you come up so I would go up then so I would bounce around. I had a friend

that lived in Syracuse and had a landskine company. So instead of sitting in a hotel room for three days, or flying back to L.A., I would stay at her basement, work for her for 60, 70 a day. She'd feed me. Perfect. The kids, the whole

fucking deal, I had a great... Bro, I had it down. But I booked my whole summer on Buffalo. Buffalo paid dick in those days. $2.50 to feed you for 19 shows and shit. You made no dough, but I remember one time taking a This is a true fucking story. I sat next to this girl.

She was a five or a six, but she had no clothes on. You know what I'm saying? Well, the chick's got no clothes on? You don't give a fuck. She put up a little chunky, whatever. And we start talking, and by the way,

she's telling, you know, I could tell she had the heels on a bus. She was a runaway stripper, but she was telling me, and she told me right out. Like some people, you've got to love fucking honesty. This bitch just dropped it on me.

Like, after an hour, well, like, so, after we get off the bus, you're going to suck my dick in the 20th. And she's like, I would, but I got like a venereal disease. That's why I'm going to Buffalo to dance, because they chased me out of Syracuse. Oh, shit. The health department knows I got this chlamydia or whatever the fuck she had, and you can't dance for a couple weeks.

And she's like, I got to feed my kids. So this soldier, she had a dog. That is a dog. And I never forget that fucking chick telling me, and she's like, listen I would but I got like fucking VD I got like three of them mixed and shit

I got a tall I got a toe that's falling off I got some fucked up shit cracking and I got to get right to the fucking strip club and do a little jiggling because I got my kids I let them in a fucking shelter I mean this bitch was a trooper

and she's telling me this fuck things I even gave her the 20 hours yeah I think I even gave it to her because I couldn't believe it like she was like I left my kids in a fucking shelter with the neighbor and I'm coming up to Buffalo to dance and hopefully I'll make $200

pay the 25 to go back to feed my kids. I'll keep coming back until the suspension. She was suspended like a baseball player after the strike. Like she was suspended from dancing in Syracuse. It was either Syracuse or Rochester.

One of those. Hope me on that. I'm like a good. You know what though? That's a true mother. Enough of this fucking, oh, she drives all the team to soccer. Fuck that. She works hard for the mind. Yeah, go dance with Chlamydia. Go hop on a grail now. Since I've been loving you, cocksucker.

Let's get these people going. The church are what's happening now, you bad motherfuckers. Jerry Rocha. Led Zepp taking your back. Deep 73. Listen to this shit. This is 30 years. That's right.

They've re-releasing it. We've got to spark up another one out of respect. It's been on VH1 on Friday nights, and I'll watch it every fucking time. It's moving. Oh, and this, my hand, when he describes it, bam, fang. You got to tell the story about the... Pop, boom, boom, boom.

That's a best one. Listen, to fucking the baseball, whatever's name, John Paul. John. John, dude. This is, man, that's a square guy. This ain't Kevin Hart at the guard. This is lead. Fuck out. Zeppel.

Whiggle, fulg, listen for his shit. Wiggle, if you were going for this, if you took the head of ecstasy, would you go see, let Zeppie jump up and the... This is like the trance. I don't know. I like that learning something. The security guard wouldn't even paying attention to the crowd.

They were watching. Ha ha ha ha. Big working. I'm just taking it. Working from selves. Baby to love on every night. I think that's right.

I'm just taking it deep, motherfucker. Spark that. Oh, I did what I could. Forget about it. Oh, I love you. Kick it. Kick it.

Take that motherfucker through the hoop. Popper in the ass. We smack that monkey. Hit it. Kick that motherfucker. That's a fucking jamming a half. That's a nighttime jam. Fuck.

You have to eat like a gorilla biscuit. You're laying there rubbing your feet. You pick your toenails with a fucking clippling. Have you shown Mercy and Led Zeppelin yet? Because you say you will play music for it. Yeah, I play music for it. She just sits there.

I've showed her this. This is one of my all-time favorite pieces live of all time. Even the video, because they have him. They have him told him he's in the green room. talking about it. He's talking about that this

song usually takes a fucking place and just levels it, bang! And he goes, you hear the energy, come back at your wild, and he's describing it. And all of a sudden, they just show Jimmy Page going right into it like a fucking savage with 666

on his pants. Kids went home, listen, though, I didn't go. I was at the park when all those kids would come back. I'd be playing basketball. Yeah. Fucking faggotten geek with my little fucking, you know, Willis Reed basketball pants on

and shit. Number night time. Thinking how it's bad. These motherfuckers were coming back drunker than a motherfucker. And I'm sitting there. And they tell me the stories. Like, bro, Jimmy Page. And I go, fine, listen to this shit.

And finally, my buddy gave me the Orban Brothers on an A track. And he had taped, the song remains the same on it. And the Auburn Brothers would end, and it would go right into that. And my head almost blew up. I listened to that for a whole fucking summer. That, you know what comes on? And I still got to pull over and knocks my wind out of me. anything off House of the Holy

Oh God, yeah The ocean The iron maker All that stuff No quarter Live I did heroin to that I sent a fucking

Dund doing strip dancing No no no All that shit That was like Summer of 75 for me That was when I was basically On my own

And I would put that album on I cook my steakums At night and shit I take my little shower I put mascara on my fucking Nutsack To make the hair look fuller Dancing Dazes

on House of the Dancing days. Tremendous. Fucking tremendous. You put mascara on your balls? You think I was going to let that go? Listen, why are you breaking my mouth? The reason why are here, basically.

One other thing I've got to tell you fucking people. Today, I went to the Y today. Okay. Because Salami was fucking busy and had an audition. I got my shot. Then I went to the Y. I broke my sweats and everything. But I wanted to try this.

This has been like the eighth day in a row. I've been on that fucking shroom tank. the sport? I did 15 on the bike to warm up. I did 20 on the bag. I did 40 on the fucking epileptical machine. And then I went in the yoga room and I did a bunch of shrimp things.

Like those rollouts for jujitsu, I did like five sets of fucking 50. My shirt was drenched. I had to sit outside the car. The car probably smells like debt right now from the steam sweat that came out of my fucking disgusting body. But I'll tell you what, man.

If you're looking for some endurance, if you're looking for, I'm 300 fucking pounds. And if I could last that shot in Liptico And I smoke pot And I fucking used to smoke cigarettes And there's old I guarantee there's a Coke fucking farm In one of my lungs developing

And a picture of Pablo Escobar I mean there's some shit in my lungs But let me tell you some I'm starting to get in better, better shape And it's because of these fucking on-it products Give him the shot The fucking hemp protein Give it a fucking shot

I know I've been writing better for the book And that's the alpha brain I know I've been writing on two fucking cylinders You know we just taped the fucking CD The material was all fucking new This is alpha brain. This is the shit sitting down, a cup of coffee, two alpha brains and a fucking joint. Who's better than you?

Fucking all these writers could suck your dick. You can write your own sound for the fucking lamp. Go to fucking Onit.com. Buy a rope. Buy one of those fucking things. Buy some nutrients, whether it's hemp powder, whatever the fuck turns you on. The alpha brain, give me the shot. Columbus did.

Give me a shot. What are you doing? You're going out and drinking with your friends and getting fucking bad bread shot in your face every Friday and Saturday. If you do get a piece of pussy, you got dead dick. Stop it. Even when I was 400 pounds, my dick was popping, and I was eating pussy. Was I an alpha brain then? No. I was doing blooms. Say fucking different. You understand me? Go to fucking on it right now. Right now. Before this podcast is even, just take a look for your Uncle Joey. Pick something. Get the immune if you're sickly fucked. Get the immune to the other one. If you fucking want to jump up and down, get the shroom tech sport. You know what I'm saying. I'm going to have to try this sport because the girl I'm dating is like the first girl I've ever been with who actually like enjoys sex. So like she was here. weekend we did it like eight times and I like at the end of it I was like I haven't worked out in a while because I was tired after after all the time I'm gonna have to get the sport and start what do you call it shrimps shrimp's to roll out when you're under somebody so you

have to push your hips I can only do like three of them when I went the first time and I broke out to a pud of sweat of worry you know because there's like 18 types of sweat but when 10 of them show up at the same time it's a motherfucker to stop you know what I'm saying so I uh I fucking um But now I've been practicing them at the house that night. That's awesome. I'll do 10 on each side, then I'll do 12. But my arms are still weak. They can't pick up my body.

My body's a fucking massive. Are your legs stronger? That's what I mean too. My arms are fucking, they can only hold up maybe like 180, dog. I'm 300. It's like a stilt fucking any minute. It's like one of those stilts in Apocalypse now before they get hit with us. The reason why we're here today, to be honest with my man, Jerry LaRocca,

my main fucking brother, one of the, the guys that I've been running with for 12 years because he's written jokes from me. He makes me laugh. He's putting out a fucking CD on iTunes. Listen, he wanted me to play a track. I ain't doing that shit. That's pressure. When they play a track, me and Lee got a laugh. That's too much

fucking pressure. We love you too much. I'll tell you what. You guys know me a fucking long time. I wouldn't put somebody in this chair. I just don't put anybody in here. When it comes to health or anything I do, it's my brother. Go to fucking iTunes. I'm honored. Pre-order. What's the name of it? It's called Take That Real Dad.

Take That Real Dad. I don't know. It's an ode to his father. Now I've got to start this shit. Yeah, so my girlfriend designed the cover. It's, yeah, just Jerry Rocha, R-O-C-H-A, take that real day. Look at the back. It looks like Brooke Springsteen. Not from the edge of time. That does. That doesn't go.

We're in the car. He makes believe, like, I didn't know. They planned that shit as well. That's his favorite band, Bruce Springsteen. You got to give him a try. I mean, just give Springsteen. Oh, stop it. I listen to that first time 20,000 times.

It's the shit laying in. It's how he acts on stage. that it irritates me. He always shows up with that Nazi haircut now. Yeah. And he's fucking a Jew and he shows. I hate when they show with the Nazi haircut now and the glasses, like the old man, grandfather glass, like that fake look like it's been set up and trying.

I don't like that shit. It makes me a little potent dad with the freezer. It's still a fucking monster. Yeah, dog. There's some monsters. There's some fucking monsters. And for everyone who doesn't like iTunes for whatever reason, you can go to standuprecords.com. Yeah, standupregers.com. It's my name. Yep. Thank you.

He's got some fucking jokes that have killed me. The fucking magician in Texas that they thought was a healer or whatever. The fucking Mexican at the Christmas thing. He's got some great stuff. We went to your daughter's baptism. We got there early, and I was dying because we went in and watched the service before. And the stations of the cross, you just kept pointing at things. You're like, see that one?

That's what they did to him. Yeah, that's what they fucked him up real. That's what the Jews did to him. I was like, I was asking leave. He felt proud. Like, look what you guys did. Look at this shit. Look at what they did to this guy.

People must be proud. And then I got you on the one. When we went to the little side chapel and you're like, this is where they film all the nuns fucking each other. The porn and you're like, really? They do? I was like, no.

We're in the valley. I don't know. He comes up. He's like, you know, they film porn in this church. This is they film all the nun fucking porn is in here. Give it up, cocksuckers. You're both going to go to hell. Talking about the church that way.

You can talk about wherever you're Jewish. Don't matter. I'm already going. I got to work on this. You ain't going to hell yet until you smell a fucking fart blow it to your fucking one nostril. And what I'm thinking of doing for the pay-per-view special is taping your one nose

and put like a tube. So it just goes, we have a... I talk to this doctor. How are you going to get it into a tube? I talked to a doctor. He has a special system. He didn't get into a dog. What for a doctor? You know how many emails I've been getting? People, listen. But what kind of doctor is a fart tube

apparatus? You know how people have the puke bags? Yeah. Same thing. He's going to tap into her urinal fuck in the whole thing. He's not even going to let it go through the asshole and lose the power. He's going to tap right into it to the heart of the fucking matter. You understand me where the molecular freak sits,

where the 20 pounds of cheeseburger. I have no idea what you're saying. Close to your ass. You ever watch Beverly Hills cop? Yeah. In the beginning, he's talking about the car that most people walk around with 15 pounds of who guts right close to their asshole. Touch your ass on night. That meat that just sits there until you die.

And it squirts out of the ass. in the kitchen the stomach. And what is he going to do? He's going to like... Tap into that. That's where the real funk of the pitouis. I'm going to connect the tube. It goes right into your one nostril. And we're going to put like a snorkel on your other fucking mouth. It's going to be tremendously. I'm taking

care. I'm looking at you. You're going to make $20 million. 20 million before this thing is over. I remember Joey does take care of his love. He did that with the first weekend we met in El Paso. I remember I drove. I left. We had lunch.

buffet and I took you back to the condo and then I drove to a comic book store and I immediately had they just come out with these brand new action figures I bought all the money I'd save for the trip I was like fuck it I'm getting Thor I'm getting Iron Man I'm getting and from that was a

I'd be a bright guy I come home I was like man I hope Joey's in this room we're asleep I walk in he's right there in the living room and I just have all these fucking toys oh it was great and then from then on you call me the green lantern I loved it that was the best This guy's the kiss of death.

He's a man, he fucks bitches, too. He fucks bitches in the weirdest way because he's a geeky-looking dude. He's got the glasses. He don't get high. He talks about fucking Iron Man 3 and shit. And he gets these girls back to his place and look at figurines.

When you can talk a girl to go back into your room to look at a figurine with no drugs, that's strength right there. A figurine, like, really? You want me to come back and look at a figurine? When they get back, there ain't no figurine. It's his fucking dirt dick. He pulls out the fucking...

You know what? The secret is, they're all into it. The secret is the minute they get into it, then they're like, ooh, look at the, they start, they start pick, they get into it. Is it like the 40-old Virgin Room? Yeah, oh, fuck yeah, dude. He's a velvet hammer. This guy's a fucking sacked.

I gotta give some shout-outs. Hold on my main man, Art Louth. Cleo, I love you. I've been watching you, sexy motherfucker. Bruno Me, Gray, Keith Miller, Uncle Peter, Sammy Coiler, Aaron Acola, Dex Squad, Harlem. I'll see you motherfuckers, September 3rd. and 14th at Gotham Comedy Club, you badass motherfuckers.

Dead Squad all over. North Cowell. I've been watching you, Dead Squad News, Dead Squad fucking Columbia. All of you, Dead Squaders, I love you. Thank you for all the love and support. Lee. What you've been, though? I'm in nowhere.

You call me every three hours. You got a new fucking job, yeah? How many interviews you go for this? Listen to this people before. You motherfuckers that are sitting there. I can't fucking the job. Lee, how many interviews you go to this one? It's been seven straight.

Seven straight interviews. You fucking mooks. I got a call over here, but it's, I went somewhere yesterday, and I wanted to talk to you guys about it. It's, uh, because you've talked about it before how, like, with certain movies or clubs, they try to lowball you. Right. I went to an interview yesterday. I won't say the name. I won't, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I won't do business, you know what that goes. I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that, but. You know what you're fucking sound. They, they come at, like, they want, they want the most for the least. They weren't trying to have me do two separate jobs, be there for 16 hours a day, which I wouldn't mind doing, but they're, they're, they're, they're, like it's almost no money. It's like it would work out to like minimum wage. And I was thinking that got me angry.

And like I, I've been here for two and a half years. So now I'm at the point where I don't need to take every job that's offered to me. And it's a weird like, how do you guys deal with it? Because like you probably get offers and you're like this is like it's not even worth the time. It's kind of insulting. Like it's like it was pissed me off last night. You know what? Do you mind if I jump in first?

Hit it. Hit it. This happened to me recently. I'm not going to, of course, won't name names. But I had met with a couple of people. who wanted to represent me right as and it's and the problem is you and I just learned this you can't they can't know that you need it you know what I mean if that makes sense because then they're gonna start doing this same with the girl I guess yeah

they can't know that you need it it is it's like and I remember and I just and I fell for it all I'm like oh great they're gonna do X Y and Z for me also and I would just jump and then I realized after it's like fuck now it's none of that's gonna happen and the problem is they can't know that you need it and then you you know like they just it's not worth it I don't think that's it gonna come out to minimum wage you're working 16 hours a day I think the biggest red flag is you said you don't mind doing that fuck that you should let them know that you mind doing that well then like I'm gonna do a good job for you within eight hours and you better give me you

know you just you kind of have to like I worked at a place that wouldn't pay overtime and I'm like what are you talking about yeah that's I think that's that yeah it's just I think that it's one of those weird things where it's like you know does that make sense like you can't let them know that you actually need it, that you're desperate or not that you're desperate, you know what I mean, but like, you have to play it like, fuck this, you should be, I'm the talent here, you guys aren't going to find

someone who's as good as me. And the guy who interviewed me, I had worked with at a different show, he was a PA there and he's a coordinator now. And that basically means he's scheduling, it's a nothing job. But he said to me, he's like, because the job was a staff and I'm a freelance, he's like, well, they pay more for freelance because they're going

to be unemployed. And I wanted to laugh at him, but it was an interview. I'm like, you can't, They pay us, but we're worth. Like, you can't, like, you can't say, well, we're going to pay you less because you're a full, it's a full-time job. Like, it just upset me when I was thinking about it, and you guys must deal with it all the time, because I have to look for a job every couple months. You guys are looking for jobs every single weekend. Every night, we're trying to, yeah, have somebody. But, yeah, it's tough, man.

It's, you know, companies are getting so fucking greedy now, like, with the, because they're getting desperate to themselves. That's, you know, so they aren't, they don't have any, nobody hires full-time employees anymore. it's all fucking part-time so they don't have to pay medical benefits they don't have to pay them unemployment none of that shit

yeah everyone's just all part-time and so of course they would love you saying hey I'll work 16 hours a day and do three different jobs if you pay me a minimum wage

that's like a fucking fuck that yeah I don't like it what do you think Joey me I don't fucking know I don't uh as a comic you gotta take jobs sometimes yeah you sometimes have to eat the bullet

sometimes you have to eat the fucking bullet but sometimes you got to sit there and go you get to a level one day you say I'm not gonna fucking do this no more. And you just don't do it and you move on with your life. And now, I think you're seeing it for what it is. You're not, you know, they expect a lot of people to go, this is a big company.

I'll do this and sell myself for 16 fucking hours a day. Yeah. And not have a life, you know. Yeah. When I first started, someone with my boss at a different job, asked me to stay late and help her, but you couldn't pay me. Like, not even not pay overtime. She just wouldn't pay me.

And this guy in a different department pulled me aside. He said, no one's here doing it for free. And so, like, even now, people are like, oh, you could stay late and finish that. I'm like, I'm not doing this for free. And when you're young, it's something, like, I'm just now starting to understand is you can't always say yes. You have to say no sometimes. You have to. I mean, it's just the trick of it all, I think, is figuring out which ones to say yes to that you shouldn't say yes to that you need to and which ones to say no to.

and you have to find that because you just yeah it's a tough fucking trick but you got to figure out which one to say yes to what to say no to be I think you're right you shouldn't say yes to everything because then you know it's just then it's like that whole they're just going to think you can do it all the time and they're just going to expect it out of you

and it's like expecting you to let them fuck you is what it is it's like oh he's fine he won't he won't bitch about it because you're turning down even auditions you're turning down interviews essentially yeah yeah just because I see the value compared to what's going to happen, you know, if it's a TV show or something that's going for sure,

I don't mind showing up down there. But if you're going to give me the low-end fucking sag for me to fly out and be away from my family, I can't do a podcast, to take me out of this normal routine, you've got to pay me a certain amount of money. Ten years ago, I would have, you know, this last offer I had was to go to fucking Utah, you know, for a week. I'm going to go to Utah with my family. I mean, she's got a lady that comes full week.

At the end, they want to give you three bills a day and a point on a movie. movie ain't going nowhere movie ain't going nowhere the movie's going right the fucking some fucking who got's thing that you know anyway why get into it

but that's what's going to happen I've done a thousand of these though we discussed this on here SAG has done this thing now where when I got here everybody paid scale and from time to time

he did a movie for 466 okay not bad I can live with that but then all of a sudden 258 and that's not bad either 258, three days you know

they give you a wardrobe you eat you talk to a fucking leave for three days you get to work with Jerry you know but then they start doing these $100 a day and that's not bad enough

they start doing $50 a day they do $50 a day ultra low budget Jesus wow you know now I did a bunch of deferreds when I first moved here guys I did

I'm not kidding you motherfuckers I did 15 deferred movies and nobody knows that nobody knows that because the movies went nowhere. What is the deferred means? They don't give you guts until they sell it. Oh shit.

They fucking pay you. Not one of those movies. I shot in dark alleys and fucking downtown LA. I had to use my car, my own suits. That was one movie I did with a Japanese group. We went to the people's houses was in their living room. The premiere. When they put it, it was their feet.

It was fucking, they shot more of the fucking feet than anything. These directors that come from a Japanese school where they had like a foot fetish. every scene. From Lee to you to the fucking feet. You know, I did

all those things. I'm in my shot of part. There's a kid I still talked to Lenny Citrano. Very interesting story. One of the first movies I did in this town was with Lenny.

These people, Lee, you guys would have thought it was, who did the Godfather, who did Goodfellas? You know, who was the director?

Scorsese. You thought these people were Scorsese. All right, it was about a guy, an English guy that was a, a philanthropist,

but he did different things. The episode always started at the bar and it was him telling the story. Then they would play it out like this has never been done before. And this episode, we were bookmakers. I had no lines. No fucking lines. I went to beat up this bookmaker and I forget who he is.

Now he's like a known actor at the time because my buddy Lenny said, Trano was the other idiot. We rehearsed for free for a week from midnight to 8th and a fucking morning. I would go to the store, do a set. Get a grandma blow, and we're going up to Hill. To Hollywood Hills then, we would do it with these porno girls.

It was fucking horrendous. It was horrendous. And these people were blown smoke up our ass. If we don't sell it to CBS or NBC, BBC has already made an offer. You know, just guys. All bullshit. It was all bullshit. But I became friends with Lenny Citrano, who is a great actor,

and he taught me a lot. He's been here for a long fucking time. Lenny Citrano was on Facebook. He's a musician, but I'm going to tell you, motherfuckers, what a badass he is. I went to an audition in September, the end of September one time. You were walking to some, and you know, well, there's things that when you walk into this town, when you walk into it, you know it's you. We just know.

You get one of those a year, and I get one of those a year, because I put the work in so the good Lord, or whosovo, Hindu, Jesus, Jesua, throws me a little hand out. I walk into this fucking commercial and it's a cable network but they wanted six mafia guys six so right away my stock goes right

the odds go shoot out yeah they want six guys they want funny people so I went in there later down it was like at the September the callback was in November it was Comcast it was Comcast

it was Comcast okay boom October November came They called us all, and the callback was supposed to be like on the 24th.

It was on the 17th. I don't forget this. We did it a week before Thanksgiving. We're sitting there. We get there at 6th of the morning. We were in costume. Comcast is doing surveys. It's with mobsters.

And it's a funny concept. And they're doing like, you know, transvest diets. And they're doing like, you know, this thing. What do you think about cable and systems? And it's fucking great. But at the middle of this audition,

this guy goes, bro, I found this lump. Who I've known Lenny for, You know, at this point, I've known it for eight years. And he goes, they found this fucking thing. And I got to call the doctor for the results. And he calls the doctor at lunchtime. He's got cancer.

Oh, God. Do you think this motherfucker cries or taps out? Like, he tells me and my knees buckle. Like, right then and there, I'd call it time out. Like, taking a Comcast commercial and showed up your mother's ass. This guy shot the next eight hours with tears in his eyes, you know, confused, thinking. It was just him and I who knew. Wow

He shot the commercial And I kept in touch with him You know I drove up to his house a few times And we're still fucking friends Still this day That's great That's crazy It's amazing

And he lived He's doing okay He caught it It was a little lump on his class Oh great Mail Whatever cance Knock on fucking wood

You want another one No no one No no good I'm straight That's crazy Did you catch that too Before a couple minutes ago What?

You caught something Was going out of me before No no I was getting a panic Inside Oh were you really? Yeah I can't breathe

I just thought the drunk was out I'm going to a psychiatrist on Saturday I'm waiting for to call me that's why the phone's right here You're nervous about this You ever been to a shrink before? No

How do you think I mean are you thinking like I don't want to even want to know What they're going to pull out of me or is it I told a doctor a friend of mine And he called me He as I was telling him he goes Bro this happens

What's going on? I told him what happens And he goes oh I know what this is I know a lady I can probably Solve in two visits Hey. So I said, get around this stick, it's probably going to be $9,000 an hour. Sure. But it's worse than living with this.

Dude, absolutely. I can't breathe and it takes off. No. You've had a, like, it sounds weird, but you've had, like, a lot of fucked up stuff has happened to you. Like, are you worried? Like, what if you go in there and, like, you start, like, sobbing and, like, are you worried about that at all? That's a place to do it, though. It's a place to do. It's a place where it happens. I mean, it's like... I sobbed on the podcast. Well, no, I know, but, like... I've cried on the podcast. I've heard comics say they don't want to like, what if like you get on the thing that makes them funny goes away or you don't think about that at all?

I think it's like, okay, so a confession booth is for your soul. I think this is a confession booth for your, you know, for, you know, I looked it up. I looked up when I was getting. And it said that. The first thing said it was it just happens deep, deep sexual abuse. And I know for a fact that was a sexually fucking abused. So, because I've thought about it.

You've got to think about it. You got to think about it. Nobody figured me. What the fuck? Right. One of my ugly fucking chick on the dance. Nobody ever flound with my nuts. What the fuck?

So, no, I don't think I'm, I always just, you know, my mom was very, my mom, you know, if you see the pictures of me and my mom after my father died, she, and they told me, people were like, you know, you lived in that back room when you were a kid. She kept you back there until three. She took your home. She took your eat. And all those pictures, me were, I remember this one picture that, you know, nobody ever see, and it's Tito Puente.

at my mother's bar like 1968 dressed up with some motherfucking black music dude my mom is on stage at the Maracas and I'm a baby

like mercy like I'm fucking crawling with a sock off you see me and my mother always used to have that in her room and she says that was you at two in the morning

so you're always you used to always say you're gonna be a night owl because you were raised there you are that was two in the morning that was two you had a missing sock

you were laying it down motherfucker. With Tito fucking Plente. With Tito Puente in fucking northern New Jersey. That's awesome. That's awesome.

So, but how long of the panic things have been happening? Is this your whole life? Since I had my ear infection. Really? I got my ear infection.

That's when they started about five months ago. First time I had my ear infection, I went to work out at Muay America and it was like having ADD in your ear. Everything was very scattered.

That blows your fucking mind. And every time my lung would go up and I'd just go into a simple. I would have to run outside. That's not normal. Yeah. So one of the reasons why I joined Jiu-Jitsu was because of the

little panic attacks I get at Muay Thai America sometimes. I'm not one. I don't like taking energy drinks so much. I think that shit gives me more panic attacks. Yeah, of course. That's full. You don't need that shit. That's full of weird shit. Nobody should be, yeah. So now when I go to Jiu-Sutu,

I get it so bad that I got to pop up, take my belt off, take my gie off, the top and go pee. It's this pee that smells like fear and death. It smells like one of Clint Eastwood's victims. It smells like Lee Van Cleef.

I know you're not going to stop, but sometimes I don't really ever get panic attacks a couple times, but sometimes when I do, it's because I had edibles. And you fucking eat more edibles than you ever seen. That's why I've been eating the edible. Now, you know, I mean, I love the Cheever-Choose. I love the fucking Anthony Dolores. And I I love the other ones, but I gotta tell you what,

it's raising the stake. I think, I hope not. I hope it's just a casket that's blown within me. You know, I looked at, it said that maybe like, you know, a new addition to the family, shit like that, getting married, quick changes. You know, all I'm fucking 50, and I got bad fucking lungs. And we'll find out Friday on 11.

I already got everything covered. I'm going to a lung doctor at 11 Friday. I'm going to a heart doctor. All bases. Next Wednesday at 11. I don't fuck around, though. I'll tell you, my girlfriend's been suffering from anxiety your old life. She gets panic attacks.

I've never. I was just like, oh, come on, you'll be fine. You don't understand. Because you're trying to repelage and shit. Yeah, she goes, you don't understand what a panic attack because you feel like you can't breathe. Like, you're going to die because you can't. It's scary. It's scary.

It's scary. To suddenly not be able to take in oxygen is a real scary fucking thing. It just feels like there's no air. And you're just like, and she. I really thought I had to take my earfoils off. Oh, that's what, okay. That's why. I thought I thought I had to run outside.

and go to 7-11 and get nose drops. Okay. I don't think, I, I've never not been able to breathe, but every once in a while, things, like, speed up and slow down, kind of. So it feels like my heart's racing, and it feels like everything's going really fast, but it also feels like I see everything in slow motion. Is that something that you go through?

Or is that something else that I'm doing? That's fucking weird. Well, you're fucked up. I'd have to be to be doing this at six in the morning, too. Keep it up. without cugs second it's it that's some scary shit man that's i mean that is some fucking frightening frightening things that you have to deal with and it's it's weird i mean it's social anxiety's weird that's where my girlfriend gets it from social stuff it's oh yeah anxiety's

weird and but all kinds of anxiety it just fucks with your brain you know it it's scary i mean i don't know i i i've never you ever been to a psychiatrist no my mom when my parents got divorced my mom really wanted me to and i just i uh i didn't feel like i i i leave i needed it and I don't know I don't have anything against it right but I just at that point I didn't feel like I needed it um sure but Joe it feels like you probably when you were younger you probably wouldn't have gone to a therapist would you like it seems like you probably didn't go to the doctor for a while like you just like you're too busy doing other stuff when I went to uh when I got locked up they always send you to you know they're the in-house guy don't they have the in-house guy

To me, it was always a joke. And then when I went to the halfway house, I failed. I wasn't even doing blow. This is how weird karma works. I wasn't even doing it blow, but I was making good money. I was in a half. I was calling BCTC two days ago to see if I could get a hold of the security guy to see what the chances are and be going in there,

just doing a talk there and putting it in a special. You know, not taping it there necessarily, but just doing the talk there. I mean, BCTC is right across the street from where the guy lived where I kidnapped. All you do is like this. So let's say that's BCTC, you go like this. Boom! Right across Canyon Boulevard.

And that's a prison, right? 90 degrees. No, that's the halfway house. Turn your face 90 degrees and you're there. And you're right there. That halfway house, I've always felt like a hypocrite. Because I never really did straight time. I fucking floated through there like a thief in the night.

Yeah, wasn't that positive test? because you were selling it to other people? I was selling it. I remember one day having a half ounce of blow in this top bunk. Wow. Right. And I was weighing it on a scale. And I heard the lady come in. And I took it. I was trying to close it. If you've ever done blow when you try to close a package,

sometimes it siffens up and all the coke rocks fly in the end. And I closed it and put it under the bed. And she came in and she goes, what's all those white things? And I go to the fucking ceiling. That was the first time I used that line. Wow. And she goes, yes, it is. Jesus, we've got to get somebody up here.

That's quick thinking, by the way. I fucking did, no, I did it on a plane one time. A Coke rock fell out of my nose. In the old days, they used to be bars in airplanes. You could get up and mingle. It's not like a flight now that people came and they brought you a drink. And the old days, right by the exit door,

there was no seats there. That was a bar. That was a bar. So there would be like a little chick sitting there all night with a bar, no stools. But you could stretch out your leg for time with this. You have to go back. At one time, I was doing powder in that fucking bathroom

like a savage. I'm snorting this shit. Like, it's going on a, and I come out on this. And it was, I never forget it was, it was the bar, but there was a napkin on top of it, like a black nap. Sure. And I remember, I told this on intestical testament,

isn't it? Yeah, I think so. And the Coke rock fell out, and I fucking looked up. The guy looked at the Coke rock and looked at me. I just fucking looked up. So you just walked around with it in your nose? No, it fell out of my face. You didn't realize it was in your nose, right?

Sometimes it goes up and it comes back down. You always have the rings. But sometimes the Coke rock doesn't go out. Like, I was such a savage. Like, there was nights I would just, with my finger, I would wet a Coke rock and just put it in the fucking nose and leave it in there, massaging it in there to the fucking Coke Rock melting.

And I do the other nose. I sweat it out. I just lick my finger and put, get a Coke rock, and just stick it in my fucking finger until my eyeball would cross. a little bit and I do the other fucking side and baboop I was all over like the fucking sham

I think I would that's we we talked about this a little because it's weird how much like how little and how much we have in common about both of us never having like you know my real father I've never met him you know my mom had a boyfriend her whole life bless you live my mom had a boyfriend

her whole life that was like my dad and he was my father not my biological because I never fucking met him you know what I mean and he was my fucking dad always. I mean, I'm just like not to be your psychiatrist right now but are you maybe worried about being a parent? Could that be caught? Like a little bit of the thing.

You know what guys? Listen, let's let's fucking get something straight. Day one, I'm wound up tighter most people. That's no one. I'm wound up tight. That's 60% of the fucking problem. When I go talk to this lady, it's to unwound that tightness.

Yeah. To find that. I have fear. like everybody else. You all have fears. How the fuck don't you have fears that they can raise the rent around the street and you got $840 and you're checking. Every fucking day.

Yeah. And people have to know that they see us on a podcast or whatever. They think that we're flying that there's billions coming out of the sky. You know, I got a wife

and a kid and we live in a fucking home but you got to come up with bills every month and I got a new car now. You know the lease is over. I mean, every month is a new fucking adventure. We all, fucking bleed when we get cut and we're all in this together. And I never want people to think so.

We have natural fears. You have natural fears. You know, hey, listen, man, my mother always raised me prepared if she died. Did I know it then? No, no. No, I had no idea. I know it now.

I knew three years later when I was doing my own laundry, what she meant. I knew it three years later when I was cooking my own eggs. When I was calling the end, airlines for my own plane ticket. I was paying my own bills. You know, when I was 10, my mother would make me walk and pay the phone bill and pay the election bill. And even if she had money in caps, that was my job. I had to go pay this shit. It's not like it is now that you write a check and here, go bail them.

Fuck no. You do it online. Yeah. You had to walk. You had to walk. To like a store? Huh? To like a store? Yeah. You had to walk to a building that sold phones. You had to walk to AT&T and they had a window where you went and told them your number, 201, 863, 63, or whatever, and then you're $34.98, and you give them the $34 cash. So you've got to walk there, knowing you had the $30 in your pocket, that kids could fucking take it from you.

And you had to tiptoe to a bad neighbor in the city. And God forbid you got to pay the mortgage. My mother used to make me send me the mortgage. The mortgage was on 57th of Berlin line. That's a three-hour. That's a three-hour walk or a fucking bus ride. And you're a target because you literally have... 600 cash.

On you, dude. Like, one bad slip. Yeah, one slip up. It's all gone. So it's a different day. Like, it felt like she was preparing me. So in the same way, I look at the six-month-old daughter, and I'm like, I got a, you know, I can't have panic attacks

or just get around. Well, if she cuts herself in a finger and starts bleeding and I faint. I do that shit all the time of my own. Do you think you're probably just psyching yourself up then? All the time. Well, that's crazy. I think that's what panic is. You've psyched yourself up to a magnitude

that you can't reason yourself down from it. The reason why I don't stay in Vegas or anywhere to see Anderson Silver fights is because I like him personally. To meet Anderson Silver is to really understand Anderson Silver. He's a comedian. He's an entertainer and ended up a fighter.

I'm a thief and ended up a comedian. So I understand the journey, but I understand the same things in their patois. And that's what you understand about people. If you really look at a criminal and what his job is, then you understand the comic. Lenny Bruce was a cuntare from bringing a criminal. Richard Pryor blew

himself up with fucking, you're at a cuttare of danger always. So, what was that all I know? We had a great line about to bring it to MMA for him because of you, like I'm just getting into the sport, you know. And a lot of people are like happy that he got beat.

Like, fuck him. He's always been disrespecting his opponents. I don't think they understand. He's not disrespecting his opponent. He's playing a game. That was a game. He is playing. And he lost. show. If you live by the sword, you're fucking die by the sword. You kind of have to be, I mean, it's

probably the same for you guys. If you don't have the confidence, then you're going to get beaten. So, like, if you guys don't have confidence to go on stage, like, if a heckler beats you, like, you have to yell at heckler, but every time, every once in a while they're going to say, they're going to have a line or something, but, like, it just seems

like, I mean, yeah, it was kind of, it's stupid, I mean, to put your hands down, but he has to have the confidence that he's the number one guy. That and also, I think he would, he literally was putting on a show. He was I mean, I think it's like those kind of dudes. It's like Anderson, I mean, I know obviously this is a real sport and guys are getting fucked up and stuff like that.

Like, it's not, the outcomes aren't determined like pro wrestling, but they know how to work that audience too. And he knows how to piss off a car. To him, I bet when the crowds get all pissed when he does that, that's laughter. In his eyes, that's, I'm killing, I'm doing my job because not only am I good at what I'm doing, but I've also made this a spectator sport into where,

you know if MMA, if it were just him and that guy in a ring with no audience and just a judge, he would fuck that dude up in five seconds. But instead, since there's a crowd and people are paying money to watch this, he's putting on a show. It's the same thing that the fucking dude everybody hates. Mayweather.

He does the same shit. When Mayweather gets punched, he'll smile at the guy who just hit him. Like, that was funny. You tried to hurt me. And he's not doing it. Mayweather is, that is a great analogy because you can't tell me that you watch 24-7.

I watch it every time of Mayweather. He's a comic! He's a fucking, you gotta see it. He's a stand-up comedian on stage. He doesn't give a fuck. Have you ever watched that late? I've seen him on Twitter. The other guy is like Chal Sunning.

I love Chale and he's losing fights. He shouldn't be having all these great fights, but he's a great promoter. I love Chale. Well, that's it, you need that guy. It's like those guys that are just... There's nothing compared to Floyd, no.

Dude, Mayweather is... Have you seen his Twitter? He'll post pictures of him betting like $800,000 on the Heat Game. Oh, more of him. flow by the, but he loves the fact that he's pissing off all these white people. He fucking loves it. He pisses off everybody. You ever watch him when he makes black people wait for

him? Oh, it's hilarious. Watch 24-7, dude. Watch 24-7. It is fucking... Hours. He trains at night. He'll go, Lee, get to the fucking stadium. Get to 7-11 and curse out. We're going to box. You're like, fucking 11.30 at night. What are you fucking crazy? I'm already

in bed. I don't get a fuck. You want to get paid. You better get down there. He tells you 11. He does you show up to him, too. And he expects you to wait? Oh, you're going to wait. You're going to wait. You're going to wait.

Jesus. But see, that's the thing. What people don't understand is they are playing to the crowd. Again, if boxing, if MMA, I fully believe this, if it were just like little kids karate tournaments, even to a lesser extent where it's just a judge and the two fighters and nobody else, Mayweather wouldn't even toy with anybody. He would win every fight in the first two rounds.

You know what I mean? and then Anderson, Silva, are you kidding me? Would any of his fights go longer than five minutes if there was no crowd? They're doing a rematch. Oh, yeah, of course. December 29th. I will be in Miami.

I were ready booked for the Christmas after Miami, so I'm leaving Christmas Eve in Miami. I was surprised. I went to a Buffalo Wildlings. Like, I've been to a sports bar to watch Boston sports, and they cheer because everyone's a fan of Boston. But I went there, and just when he walked out,

I wasn't even in the restaurant. I was busy, so I was out in the patio. The patio erupted when he went out. They didn't clap for anyone. else the entire night when like when he just started walking out the patio erupted like I'm like it's a street in Hollywood I'm like what the

people they it's like it's just it's uh they they love to hate that guy but it's stupid because I think what he's doing is fucking brilliant I think it's a huge move on it to just to purposely annoy people like that is genius and then because

nobody would give a fuck about him if in the opening if it was like Mike Tyson where after the first two punch is he's killed the guy and nobody's left eventually it gets old, it gets boring and it's like why are we going to watch this? So they want to watch him so they can get mad and be like he knows that and he plays it up

I think he's fucking brilliant at it. Mayweather's fucking brilliant at it and the only difference was nobody's Mayweather hasn't been caught being cute. Like Silva was caught putting on the show. And you know what? Joe and I saw you earlier today I thought you know in the rematch Silva was just going to kill the guy in five seconds.

He's probably not. He's probably going to toy with him again. He's going to do the same shit Just to piss everybody off again. And then he's, you know, like, I wouldn't be surprised if he just said, no, no, no, I didn't need to learn a lesson. Because he was like, oh, he's learned his lesson. There was no lesson he needed to learn. He know, you're going to teach him something about fighting. Get the, no fucking way.

He knows everything. There's no lesson for him. 17 straight. Yeah, there's no lesson for him to learn. He's just going to toy with people again. That's what he does. He's been a champion for seven years, right? Nine, I think, Joey.

Nine, is something, like, something insane like that. That's amazing. And if you really think about that, imagine. And a fucking slew of opponents. It's not like they fight every once every three years. That dude goes out there, is he at least twice a year almost? But once they found the ditch. Once they found that you could take them down, that was the game.

That was everybody said, fuck it. That's the new game in town. When Chale was on top of him? When everybody said, well, let's take him down. Now we figured out how to beat him. Chale showed the world how to beat him. Take him down, take them off. game. If a guy can't kick you,

he can't beat you. Right. Can't beat me if you're on the floor. So Chale showed the world. So now they all had a plan. That plan, Anderson, do they had a plan also. It's different. Now he got hit. Now what happens to your jaw? Now do you become chuckled down

every time you get tapped, do you sneeze? Do you knock yourself out with your sneeze? Because now your jaw is a target for everybody. Everybody knows that's priority number one. I'm going to kick you in the leg and come right over. with the fucking overhead right and crack in that fucking side again. Or fake that overhand and come up with the hook.

I think he knocked them out with the hook. It was almost like a baby hook. Not that one loss is going to mean a comeback, but you know how sometimes when either actors go down or even like a big sports team goes down and they come back and they're bigger? You know I watch Rocky? They made four fucking movies out of a lost cock sucker.

What do you think you're dealing with here? Some novice, this is the beginning of a war. This is war. I'm going to scarface at the end. This is war. The guy's like, what the fuck's he talking about? How pissed do you think Vegas was? Like, how much money do you think Vegas lost?

I read today somebody made a million dollar bet. Wow. On Wydenman? I think on Wydenman. I didn't read the whole article. So somebody's suspicious, there's shit going on. Let's see what happened. What do you got this weekend?

This weekend? I got a... Where are you going? Where are you taking your little girlfriend? She's going to law school, so she's her first week of, like, a pre-class. So we're just going to stay here because she's there like seven in the morning to seven at night. You're going to bring her back to the Shea Syatt.

Shee, Syatt, you know it. The place smells good. It smells great. Oh, no. I was like, holy shit. Because all this weed and stuff, I put, there's an air fracture in every room. Because I spent like five hours cleaning before she came last weekend because it was dirty. But, uh...

It smelled very, buddy. You clean the toilet. You take the old Jew hairs off the toilet. He called, he called me up before she came over. He's like, all right, you're going to go to there for three days. You should be able to collect at least six pubic hairs. Yeah. You keep a little piece of paper by your bed.

You just look it and you stick into the paper. I want to see the paper when I come over Monday morning. That's awesome. You think he did it? You think he saved? No, she's shaved. So she's got to have three or four little leftover pupils in their ass off. Oh, yeah.

I'm not taking... Listen, when you finger bang their ass on the way out, you take one of those hair. It's all the same move. You take that little fucking hair to go. My bink. Then you make a wish on it like an eyelash. You make a wish off it like an eyelash.

You gotta take the stick out of your ass. I love Joey's sex tips, man. The best. The best. Hey, listen, sex tips. Talk to these people. I don't know when this fucking savage of an album is coming out. This thing is going to come out on July 16th, on iTunes, stand-up records.

You can pre-order it now, though. If you just hop on iTunes right now, just type in my name. Jerry Rocha, take that real dad. It'll come up. It looks like an old book. That's the cover that my girlfriend designed. And, yeah, that's old red to get a red. And yeah, it's right there on iTunes, man, please pick it up.

I would love it. It's got the uncle joke on it. It's got a, we're talking about Greyhound. It's got the one where I really happened. I was on the Greyhound with the dude. And yet, I kick it off with that one with the Greyhound story. You're happy doing. Yeah, it's good.

Thank you, buddy. Yeah, my back has been so much better. I want to say what I've been doing, but I don't want to give him any more ammunition to get me. But I'm going to do it. I've been throwing Frisbee golf. Frisbee golf. Brisbane, fucking golf. I've been playing this.

By himself. You hear you're by himself. By himself? He doesn't smoke pot. He's out there by himself. So if you people think he got problems, this fucking mook. He was asking a part by himself and plays Frisbee. Wait until two Mexicans come by with a stick one today.

Having a good time. He's going to call me. I got mugged in Brooklyn and in L.A. Playing Frisbee golf. I called him last night. He's eating chicken with spinach and goat cheese. Yeah. I go, you're Mexican.

Mexicans don't fucking eat goat cheese. It's disgusting. My girlfriend, dude. She's got me on this. He rose it up in a wheat Peter. I almost went over and stabbed him with a Mexican fucking with a fucking taco from Taco Bell.

Oh shit. All right, so get the fucking CD on iTunes. Do yourself the favor. This kid's talented. I love this kid. He's one of those kids that you sit there and go, when? All right, I can see me.

I'm dirty. I can see this guy's crazy. But when? When is a network going to give this kid fucking 100 grand in his own show and give him a CD? When? When?

What are you waiting for? Every week you put some work this motherfucker on your network that's fake. This kid's the real fucking deal. Jerry La Rocha. Facebook, Twitter, check yourself before you wreck yourself. You know it's in your asshole. What's your fucking problem, cut,

cuckling? Don't make me go over and stab you with this vapor pen and the asshole and shit. You got me in the fucking mood. I'm like one week away from convinced you're doing talking about sexual stuff. Every fucking you just didn't even put a paper pen on my asshole. Like, what are you talking about? This paper pen. The fucking one with T.

I want Jenny Friedman to fucking I want you to sniff her fucking Who's Jenny Friedman? Some Jew with a hot, tight ass ocean. Can I give Lee quick advice before the next church? It's going to be Monday? The next church? Is that right?

We watch Son to the fucking Lamb's Place. The girl likes scary movies. I'll watch it this weekend. It's not a scary movie. You're going to love this movie. You're going to learn a lot. You're going to call me and go, wow. What the fuck?

Let's see if I call you at 5 a.m. with nightmares. Why have I been wasting my time all these years? Going to see these fucking terrible movies at the movie theater. Oh yeah, this is the end was the worst. I was so disappointed. I couldn't even that just looks like, hey, we have a lot of famous friends. That's what it ended up being. I have no interest in that. I love everyone in it, but it was like,

what the fuck? You know what I couldn't stand was the one with Bill Murray, lost in translation? I felt the same way that Everdoll, it's such a brilliant movie. I'm supposed to feel sorry for a millionaire who's in China or Japan for three weeks. His dick sucked by a 20-year-old. Yeah, who gives you? That's a fucking, that's a kiss of God right there. Yes. After that, you

kill yourself. Yeah, I'm going to kill myself. I'm never going to get a swaff little 20-year-old twat like that. That smells like fucking, you know. That's great. I don't even know. I told the people. And you're on your home this weekend.

Next week and you're in Philadelphia. Next week. My birthday week. I can't be going to miss my birthday. What are you going to do? I was putting a whole event. Let me see. What is the idea that you're going to come up for your 24th birthday?

I thought we were going to go get muffins and bagels and do all. Dude, let's talk about the Sarah Lee fucking bagels in his kitchen. Are you kidding me? He yelled at me because I didn't have any food in my house for the girl. So I went grocery shopping with the girl. He's a Jew. You don't eat salad with the bagels. That's the fucking, that's for Gentiles.

That's like a Mexican and Taco Bell. You don't do that. You yelled at me because I didn't have any food here for the girl. So before I brought her home, we went grocery shopping. And she picked up bagels. What are you going on, getting drunk, and spending time with the girl. That's all. That's good.

That's it. What do you want me to do? Fly to Vegas and jump up and down. I'm going to go it. You know me. If it's up to me, I want you to stay at the Chateau, fucking whatever, man. You got to do some sexual.

You got to let a fart in your face. She's a nice person. That's it. You're 20th birthday. All right. The next testicle testament, July 31st, at the ice house,

the live taping, we're going to get the chick that fart in your face. It sounds like it's been too long. We've been fucking around. That's great. I didn't know it was your 25th birthday. I know you're gonna half a fagging on. I went to the Mexican restaurant.

No, I'm going to a Barney's Beale. Oh, boy. Wow. I like that bar. Whoopee. I like that bar. That's a fucking real. Oh, boy.

I wish I was 25 again, because I can go there with my hat. I don't want to bring a suicide note and shit. So you're saying. Yeah, I'm going to a bar with all my friends and then the girl and I'm going to come home. Not those fucking stomaches, yeah. I invited a bunch of people, not that Not the girl and her brother

They're part of the people who are coming, yeah This guy He's Hannibal elected to himself You just told me their fucking dead weight No, when did I say that? You said it three weeks ago You're going like, oh, the brother's dead weight The sister

Listen, he's going to fuck the sister So you don't want to be the whole time's brother It was three months ago You still want to suck your dick No, my basically girlfriend's Come in now No, but you're still going to blow you up in the bathroom You got to do this ocean

Do you not understand how this works, Lee? What the fuck, Lee? It's your birthday. It's your 25th birthday. You got to get to figure up the ass up You gotta have to party. Everything that you think that would make you great Sounds like a terrible thing to me.

No, that's it's a get your girl To bang the sister in front of that. You're taking that Stamibank, your chick With the Japanese friend That Don't Suck You Day With the brother, with the other Stombeen. that's not going to Lee. Really?

What? Because Jordan Lee says something. He goes, yeah, we're going to have Lee's birthday party. Yeah, I invited Jordan. Oh, Jesus Christ. Are you fucking serious? Monty's beating me? Have you lost your...

I like that bar? You're going to go all the way to Hollywood to get torched on a Saturday night. Yeah. And they got a D-Y on the way home. I'm not going to be driving. Who's driving? I'll take a cab or something. You won't go for a cab.

That's a $20 a cab. No shit, dude. You're crazy. Get it together. Then she'll drive. I don't know. What is what the questions? She can't drink.

On your birthday, the broad's not going to drink. Yeah, you can't do that, man. So where do you want me to go? You're going to go somewhere here. Tell those people to go shoot themselves. That's the last batch of people you want to say in your birthday. If they ain't sucking your dick, don't show up here with the brother.

Please. Yeah, tell leave the brother home. Any time a dirty chick shows up with a brother. Oh, it's a worse. You got to go. You got to go. You know who you are. Don't bring him.

Don't bring the brother. You don't like the dude anyway. And then the friend, And then the Japanese chick that always assault you. No, why? These ain't your friends. Get him out of here. It's you and this new girlfriend. A bottle of wine.

A nervous movie. You put a robe on. You do a manicure. You go to fucking Benny Hanna. Up to the corner here in the valley. Make it a night with her. Dude, you don't, save cranium for your family. Save the board games.

On a Friday night, Bonnie is being released. Oh. All right. That's awful. Maybe I'll rethink my plans. Yeah. No, no, no. Up here, tell these idiots to come up here and they'll lose them.

more. Let them go to Bar these meetings. Tell them you going to bar hop. Then bullshit him. Go meet him at one bar. Thank you all. Happy birthday. I lost my phone. I got mugged by three Puerto Rico. You and the girl right up here

somewhere, nice sushi place. You throw sushi in her mouth like that and you throw the sushi in her mouth. That's all over. It's your phone for birthday. And you want to hang out with fucking dutty-fuddies. I'm trying to help piano. You're my brother.

If I was in town, I'd light your balls on fire. Take it to a strip. All right, that's it. What are you doing to my balls? Forget about it. Has you ever given

your advice? What are you doing? You fucking giggling. He's talking about taping a straw in my nose and then taping a end up and a straw in a barbell. You don't learn a lot. That's a party. No,

that's a party. I don't want to be invited to. You're 20. No, but he's absolutely right. You don't need to hang with dead weight on your fucking birthday. No way. There's a dead weight.

They're not going to do nothing. No fucking way. Two editors, you don't need them either. The fucking dead weights. You're like this girl. Yeah. You put a robot.

some avocano spray? You shave your stomach and you got hair on your stomach? Yeah. You got Jew hair in your stomach?

Of course it is. Like a fucking make like a design. Yeah. I don't have that much. I have a little. What's her name? My new girl?

Paula. Paula and her chest there. P. P. Yeah, big P. And then, no, a P and then the bottom of the P is an arrow

pointing right to your balls. Come on. Jesus. Look at this. How hard would that be, right? That would be genius. Got some strawberries. I have strawberries.

I have strawberries. You're in. You're in. You got a fucking dildo like a fake dildo so you can suck a little twatting. What was your advice? He called me and he's like, you're looking strawberries. Get this big one, dip it in sugar, sticking in a pussy.

Eat it two hours later. Ooh, it's juicy. Who needs a chocolate-covered strawberry? What was the last time you got a fucking monkey-covered strawberry? A strawberry covered in chow-chuk. What was the last time? Who takes gay like me, cock-sucker? Nobody. This is why I got to take on it

products. You people sitting there going to go, Joey, how do you think of this shit? Alpha brain. Go to Anit.com. Cut this shit. Go for your first day in the right direction of health. Onit.com. Get a rope. Get one of those fucking one-arm things that you pull up a kettlebell. Do something.

Do something. Do something. Yeah, do something. Get a fucking vitamin pack. You can mix a mess. You can get the Shrubtexport. You get the Alphabrein. You can get the hemp chocolate protein. Don't make me yell at you again. Get it together. On it. Go to the box of the corner and prints.

What are you first? Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. That's it. And then after that, you're going to go to On it. Now that the show is over, I want to go to Hulu Plus. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. And start watching your favorite hit shows right now. Go to our show homepage at joey-d-d-s.net.

Click on the Hulu-P-L-U-L-L-U-L-L-E-S dot com slash Joey. Again, the banner at joey-D-S-D-Net or Hulu-P-U-P-L-E-L-E. Have a good weekend. Stay black. Always. Jerry Rocha. He's on Facebook, Twitter, bad, funny motherfucker.

What is it on Twitter? Jerry Roga. What's with the question? Jerry A. Rocha. Jerry A. Rocha. Oh, shit. This is from your hometown, this is what you represent

every day, Airosman. When you leave the house, the first five hours, you represent. Not the old shit. It's like a little mind-fucking gets you with a slow-look guitar.

Hit it Lee. Oh, shit. Wiggle for Uncle Joe. Give me a little Wednesday wiggle. A little Wednesday wiggle. Get up, baby. You have a wiggle for me all week. There's no video.

You don't need to wiggle. Just for me, Uncle Jay. I don't need to share you with the world. Let's go. Let's go. John Paulito, Jr. Do a little wiggle for you. Hit it!