The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 07/15/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #97

Episode Date: July 16, 2013

Joey and Lee solo today. This episode is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 07/15/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, S&L, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Just when you thought it was safe. You're tired.

You don't feel good. you had a rough weekend you got a boo-boo belly all that shit that enters your mind fuck it here you go bitches are you fucking kidding me oh shit

oh shit it's Monday July 15th are you fucking kidding me we're at half time of fucking July already we're at half time of the fucking year and you're sitting there contemplating Get up, you fuck.

Let's do this. Roll that fucking number. Get that orange juice. A couple jumping jacks. Hit it. What's a boobo belly? A boobo belly. You know, fucking stomach hurt.

She ate too many egg rolls. You know what the fuck is going. What's happening at least? Not much, dude. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. What's going on with this shit? I see you look on on the computer. Everything all right today?

Everything seems to be going okay. Let's see if it's working. All right. Fuck it. We're jail. We're here. It's a brand new week. It's Monday, cock suckers.

Get up. Touch your toes. Look out the window. The sun's shining. It's going to be a hot motherfucker today across the country. Some people are going to be floating around from the rain. You know how it is. It happens.

Yeah. What did you do this weekend? Cockluck. Hung out with the girl a little bit. It's going pretty awesome. I'm pretty happy. You'll love. I see you posted pictures.

I didn't post it. Facebook posted a picture of her. But, no, it's worse. So Facebook just woke up. No, because I... The other morning and said, You know what, today, we're going to post a picture of Lee's girlfriend.

Somebody had to post a fucking picture. Stop breaking my... No, a fucking douchebag. It's weird, but now when you're dating someone, you have to put... It's Facebook official, so I put it... Like, I put it on the thing

that she's my girlfriend, and Facebook posted a picture of her because I said that, that's all. I didn't... So it's official, you're in a relationship. It's official. Once it's on Facebook, it's over. It's over.

That's it. Once you put it on Facebook, you're good to go. I was talking to one of my friends last night, and, uh, like, she, she even said to me, she said, you're not dating on anyone else, right? I'm like, so I said, no. She's like, you, you don't seem like that kind of person. And I would love to be, to be honest, like, in my, like, my deepest dark and secrets, like, it'd be cool to be, like, not cheat, but, like, be the guy who has, like, eight different girls,

but I can't, I'm not the kind of guy that can do that. Fuck that. It's a whole, you got to lie to eight women. No, but, yeah, it's, uh... It's tough. It is. I have a hard time with my wife, just hanging around. You might just have had a lie to her

And no, fuck you I can't do it I don't have the fucking time Or the energy It's tough Doesn't you have to keep the lie straight Oh, it's fucking tough man Yeah, no

It's much better You know, look You want me to tie you up And throw you out the window One day, we're in But I can't fucking What are you gonna do? I don't have time for myself

Lee Yeah Between the working out The writing The fucking comedy The podcast The looking up shit To try to get guests

To get guests How the fuck the, you know, how am I going to go out there to sling dick? I don't even sleep enough. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't even sleep enough like it is. I sleep six, five hours a fucking night. Last night I laid down at 10 o'clock trying to get a good night's sleep. At 11.15, I had to pop back up again and write a few fucking jokes ahead of my mind cultivating.

Oh, really? Yeah, you don't fucking sleep. You know, it's, uh, I got out. I fucked around on Facebook. I fucked around on Twitter. I haven't seen those people in a couple days. I miss them. I miss Twitter and Facebook after a couple days.

Yeah, you had like, not off, but you didn't, you didn't. didn't travel this weekend. So you had like kind of a more relaxing weekend. Oh my god. It was Friday night I went to jih Tzu. Okay. And Friday night that's it. Mondays and Fridays is the tough jih Tudu. It's a half hour. Really? It's a big class. I thought most people would want to take that night off. No, fuck no. But he does his calisthenics and running and lapping because he wants you to do the techniques where your muscles are tired. So you don't use your muscle. You go more for technique. So he went those are the only two classes, Mondays and Fridays that you don't walk for two days. That's why I don't go on Monday nights

no more because that'd be fucked up until Thursday or Wednesday. It's the law diminutionary. It's not worth it. So I'd rather do a kickboxing workout on Monday and then Tuesday go to him in the daytime and then Wednesday night go over there or something, Thursday day, but Monday, and then Friday's is good because

then I have Saturday and Sunday to recoup. Yeah. All I do is push a fucking stroller Saturday and Sunday. And that's all I did. That's all I really did. Friday night, I think I was in bed like 9 o'clock or something. One of those fucking nights, Saturday night, I went to bed at 9 o'clock. Went to good dinner with my friend from the agency.

Nice. Me and my wife, the baby, went to get barbecue. Got some nice barbecue chicken. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty fucking great, man. And that was it. That was my weekend, man.

Yeah, I hadn't seen Mercy since the baptism. And then I went over on Thursday. We went to the Laugh Factory, and she's really cute. She always sticks her tongue out at me every time I see her. She's fucking big, man. It's fucking weird. Yeah, it's been, like, it just hit six months last week, right? Six months.

Six fucking months. You know, and it's weird because I went walking around with my wife yesterday. We were talking about how I had nothing going on when I met my wife. Basically nothing. At 37 years old, I had nothing going on. How sad is that? I did comedy. A couple nights a week at the comedy store.

I wrote a few jokes. And I just wasted my life. I was doing blow. I was nothing. I had nothing going on. And I met her, and I kicked it up a little. I was always a regular at the store. Like, I was always at least doing spots at the fucking store,

and I had spots at the improv. The store was my main club, you know, and I came home. And she was a waitress there, and we met, and we went out a few dates, and then, you know, this is like the fucking weird. We were talking about this year, like, all right, so we're dating for about a month.

Okay. All right, we're dating for about a month. I'm living on, Gardner with Ralphie Mae and Gavin and all these people in the building. And she's living on Shrad in her apartment. And one night after the comedy store, she came over. I was going to New York. Okay.

And I remember that I had to, like, she came over. Like, you've been talking to this girl you're dating about a month. Yeah. We were with about a month. Okay. All right. Is the thing down? No, it's right.

And I fucking had to borrow $35 from her. Like, I looked at her. straight in the face at 6th and 1 I go I gotta talk to you about something she's like what I go I'm going to New York and I probably got 30 dollars and she goes how about I give you 35 bucks it's 37 dollars that I made last night she made 37 dollars a night before waitressing she said she had 20 something on her ATM card and she'll buy and she gave me the rest of the cigarette she had and I probably had $10 worth of weed and that was it and I went and she drove me to the airport and she drove back on E pretty much until she got

got home so she could waitress the next day to get cash again. That's how broke we were. Jesus. That's how fucking bro. She was waitressing four ships. She thought she wanted to be an actress. Nothing was going on in her world. That's how broke we were.

So 37th that would make her, she was like early 30? She was 30. She was a young girl. And she was out here lost too. She was just waitressing. And her big money was on the weekends. During the week, she just made 40, 50, 60 bucks, you know. Yeah.

So she would buy cat food, dinner, and that was it. She put away 20s or whatever. That was it. That's fucking real talk right there, though. And did you realize it? Like, to me, like, I don't think about it every day, but I keep thinking, like, I don't want. Like, to me, like, that kind of would freak me out. Like, now at 25, like, if I thought, like, a 37, like, when I want to be 37, like, I want to maybe have a house or something.

Like, did you think about that every day? We all do. We all do. Yeah. I made a constant decision. You know, I got into comedy at 31 years old. Wow. So I committed to a life of death.

So you were only six years in at that point? Six, seven, eight years in, maybe. Yeah, 99. Yeah, 2000, I met her. 2000, 99 I met her. So I was probably seven years in. Really strong, like really, eh. Yeah, eight, nine, something like that.

But really six years in, seven years that I were doing it every day. This is what I was committed to. And there was a life of misery at the time. You know, I was getting 200 a gig here, 300 a gig there, 100 a quarter, 15 at the store. You know, there was no acting jobs then to break up the monotony. You know, and that's what we were talking about yesterday, how we've seen the evolve.

Like, as soon as I started dating that summer, that winter, I jumped into an acting class. I was on the road too much. Was it because of her? No, I was on the road. I was just on the road with Rogan. I was in the road by myself. And I was going on the road to break even.

I was basically going on the road to snor cocaine. Okay. To make money, snor cocaine, tell stupid stories with all the comedians. I was wasting my time as a comic. I was just buying time. But did you want to get off the road to spend more time with her? Not at all. Okay.

Not at all. I wanted to keep doing the dumb shit I was doing. And then the Sopranos hit. and then I auditioned for the second season and that's when I met her when I auditioned for the second season and she kept putting in my head that they wouldn't have called you in that many times

if they didn't like you. Yeah. You should pursue other jobs. So Josh Wolfe had just gotten this deal from Fox and I called Josh Wolfe and I asked him for $500. And I took that $500 and I got two months of an acting class and I probably bought a gram or Coke. acting classes in those days

with $200 a month. Okay. And I bought probably two months and to buy me time and I took an acting class. And I took an acting class and I kept writing jokes and I kept doing stand-up.

And I booked... I forget what the fuck it was. First show I really, really legitimately book was 99 wheels of justice or something. On TNN, which is now spot. 99 wheels of justice. 99 wheels of justice or something like that. Wheels of justice or something.

I played a fucking pimp. Really? Yeah. I played a white like a mobster thing. And then what had happened was how I lucked out was that the sopranos were so big that everybody who cast a mob characters they want, they would say soprano types.

Oh, okay. So I would book everything. Yeah. Anything I would go in for, I would clobber right over the fucking head. bam, bam, bam. You know, a lot of shit you didn't see. But then I booked three episodes on this show with a bunch of kids' star, like stars.

Excuse me, like Sidney Portier and a bunch of people with their sons. Okay. So his daughter, there was somebody else's son on the show. The show was about attorneys. And I booked three episodes on that, and dog, I went on that set, and I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Oh, really? You understand me? I didn't know action.

I didn't know cutting. time I had already shot basketball. He'd already shown a huge movie? Yeah, when I first moved here, the first real, real, real, real thing I shot was basketball. It was fucking huge. I love that movie. And I went, and I didn't know anything about it.

Nothing. Like, they had to fucking walk me through with action, cut, get on your mark, look at this, look at the camera, don't do this. I knew nothing, guys, when I did basketball. Nothing. Nothing. I had done nothing. That's his dad?

That's just to let you know. people you can do whatever the fuck you want that they make a big deal about everything you're like they make it seem so distant that you could do shit like that they make it seem so distant and then I went to this thing right after basketball I went to

this audition in the fucking in Santa Monica okay and I went in and I read the thing and the guy walked me to the elevator I never forget that and before I got to the car my agent paged me and I called them back and he goes they love you they're going to use you for the CBC

pilot. Oh shit. And for a month, this went on whether they're going to use me or not, and they kept paying me a thousand bucks a week. Oh, shit. And then finally, they go, we're going to use you, and the show gets picked up, and we're not going to use you on the pilot. We're going to save you for the first three episodes, and the show never got picked up.

That's crazy. But nothing really, really started clicking until I booked the first skit for the Sopranos for Mad TV. What, you were that, do you think? 2003 look it up mad tv soprano all right nothing really fucking happened until i booked that tv sopranos uh i just keep seeing a bunch of videos you want to play it no it was either

2003 i'll tell you on the video let's see here it's either 2003 this one doesn't say anyways or 2002 matt tv was doing a sketch of the soprano's like 20 people called me at that house and said, dog, they're looking for you. Yeah. And they go, they're looking for Joe Deas. They go, no, no, they're looking for sopranos. And I went down to mad TV, and I'm sitting at mine in my own fucking business. Nervous as fuck. And who comes walking past me with Erie Spears?

Oh, really? And he goes, what's happened, brother? I go, what's up with you? And he goes, nothing, man, what are you doing here? And I go, I'm reading for the... He goes, really? He goes, hold on. He walked back there. And he grabbed the casting directly, and he pulled around. He pointed her to me. And that was it. Did he do stand up? Yeah, he was at the store a lot.

Oh, cool. And I knew him from Fat Mountain Tuesday. You know, I would see these guys around town. He walked past me, went right into the cast and director pulled her out, and then she showed her to me, and then they made me go in later on, and then they made me stay and made producers, and they hired me the same fucking day. Wow. And it was me and a couple other guys.

Is that big in acting? Because, like, in editing, it's really who you know, like, you have to, like, your friends get you a lot of jobs? Well, at the time I fit up. everything I was funny I look like big fucking pussy and I was right I mean I wasn't like he walked by and said you got a gift but no it wasn't a gift but it made them know that he was a friend mm-hmm so they hired me and and then from that one on a fucking tear like I just I booked this movie American gun with with uh with uh James Colbert okay and I was so fucking excited I didn't know James Colburn was it was James Colburn and somebody

There's a couple fucking actors in the movie. And I booked this fucking movie. And I... 2005. Let's see. Mershya 8, Hardin, Forrest Whitaker, Donald Sutherland. Amanda Seafreed was in it? No, that's not it.

That's not it? No. American gun. Yeah. It's got to be like... It wasn't... 2002. Oh, this is his 05. that's the only one that comes up

yeah it was like 2002 with james colbert and i fucking booked it right and that sat that's Sunday night I was doing something for some ski company and I bumped into a bag

of like 3,000 cash and I stole it and I took it home with me up in San Diego wait wait what does that mean you were doing what for a ski company I was I was fucking flat broke

and it was like Christmas it was like December 10th 11 12th around that. Okay. And I was working for a, I got a call from Josh Wool. That one of his buddies did this thing for a ski company every year. If I wanted to cover

from that year, he had a job writing. And basically it was three weeks. Me and Terry are flat fucking broke. Flat fucking broke. And I get this job making $400 a night for three weeks. Going to these ski things and going, good evening, welcome to come. Your number is 369,

four, you want a pair of skis. And I would leave for 20 minutes. $400 a night for three weeks? For three weeks. Holy shit. So I did that. And they paid me in advance. Here's the deal.

I get to the guys. You know me to pay an event? I'm like, yeah, sure, whatever. Pays me in advance. I bring it home. I pay off a bunch of shit. Child support, my rent, the whole thing. And then there was three nights left of it.

And they had worked every night one week. We had worked Monday through Saturday. And they had charged $20 at the door. They were all interns, college students. students, young little fucking dummies, and they're all sitting there talking about how they got $15,000 in the fucking car. And I'm sitting

there with my superhearing. It's another room, and I'm hearing this shit, and I'm with these fucking dummies. And they're talking about how they're scared to drive around with it, that they don't understand, and it's hidden in the car, it's by the door, and they're saying all this shit, and they don't know I could hear them. I could

fucking hear everything that's going on. So my mind's working. It's a Sunday that I'm thinking of how I'm going to clip that fucking cup. car because at first I was thinking a clip in the bag but I might as well clip the fucking car car ditch it you're gonna steal the whole car the whole fucking car so they don't know what happened oh no because if the cops come they're gonna go what happened the bag we're gonna have to talk to everybody so I said fuck it I'll just steal the whole fucking car I'll

take the kids keys and I'm working this motherfucker I'm there from like four o'clock in the afternoon I'm working I'm working and I'm working and I'm sending them because we had to wait till seven yeah so we were in a bar drinking and I'm sending them drinks I'm not drinking I'm to send him drinks from a chick like with a note I love you. And finally two girls come in and he's got, this is what I needed. I needed something to deter him

and the girls flirt with him. He's flirting with him. But he's got the bag between his legs with the cash and at this time. No, he doesn't. Yes, he does. He's got a paper and he's got the bag with the cash. Finally I see him get the bag because he's getting drunk and he puts it in the back of the fucking car. You don't like those cars

like a Nissan and they slam not a trunk, but the back compartment was like a minivan and he put it right fucking there and then he walked away and he went quick click and he put it by the door behind the driver's seat okay I'm like oh my god I'm watching from inside the bar I'm watching them

watching them watch them watch them so he comes back and all so he goes come on we gotta go like so he's flirting with this girl flirting with this fucking girl and he goes to start the movie right he goes are you ready I go yeah he goes all right he puts his bag down without the cash in it the cash in the car Okay. But his keys are right there.

Oh, no. So I take the keys, I go, click, click. And I open the fucking car, and I go on stage. And I'm like, hopefully he won't even know. And I go on stage. Oh, so you just unlock the door? Unlock the door. Do you keep the keys in your hand or no?

No, I leave him in his bag. Okay. I just go, click, click. I go to the fucking thing. I do the show. I do my 10 minutes. I fucking come out. I look at him.

He's all over that girl. I walk out to the car. They open the door, and the door is open. I go, fuck it. So I go, listen, I'm going to get a Mexican thing down the corner. He goes, go ahead, you got plenty of time. They're doing something else. So come back for the second show.

So I get in my car and I drive around, and his car is like 40 feet away. Now, he could see the back of it. He could watch the back of his car if somebody's robbing it. But he can't watch the side in the front. So I go over and I put my car in front of his in the street, and I walk over. Like I left my wallet. He goes, what happened? I go, no, I think I left my wallet.

Oh, no, I'll go back and look at the car. I just wanted to see if he could see it. He couldn't see my car. So right there, I went, I went around the corner again. I took my car, put it in front of his, and I got out, opened up the fucking passenger door behind the seat, went in, found like a bag of money and took it, and fucking got my car, put in the trunk of the car under the spare tie.

Yeah. And I drove around the corner. I was just in heaven. I'm like, you don't know. I went back. I closed the car with his keys, so he would never know. and I went back and did the second show. It's a Sunday night.

I went to this audition on a Thursday for this James Coburn movie. Friday they call me and they go, you got a call back for a James Coburn movie. Yeah, I found it. Are you fucking kid? What year was it? This one was in 2002.

It had Virginia Madsen, Barbara Bain, Alexander Holden. So I'm sitting there, and I'm like, oh my God. I got this audition tomorrow, 11 o'clock. I'm going to fucking,

go and I got the money I'm going to do the second show and I'm going to get in the car I'm going to be done by 10 after 10 and I'll be at home by midnight I'll be at the store and I'll get a fucking big rock or Coke and I fucking do the second show

I say welcome and I tell these little fucking college students see you tomorrow night you fucking morons and I take it in that car and I take off I don't even look at the trunk and once I pass immigration I pull over and I take what's in the trunk out

and it's a water fucking money It's like $3,000. I throw the bag out of the rubber band. I take the cash. I put it under my... I put it back under the tie. Just in case they call the cops and I get pulled over.

That's how I was thinking. I'm way ahead of the fucking... Jesus. I get to fucking Hollywood. There's nobody at the store. Right. Okay. In the Coke dealer that was at the store,

like he always had 40s and 20s. I was going to buy a little batch of him. He wasn't there, so I went to the black guy's house. I was getting the coat, the Martel cartel. And they had some mediocre coke. But I went in this night. with a bunch of mine. I said, listen, man, I'm sick and tired.

I'm paying for cut. I want the shit. You motherfuckers are getting. You guys want $180 for an eight ball. Here's $2.50. Give me the good shit. And they were like, man, okay, calm down. And they went upstairs and got me the good shit. And I went back to this fucking comedy store. I didn't do any code because I wanted to go on stage. Okay. And I get back to the comedy, so there's a little redhead over there. And she's telling me how she made a bunch of money tonight. And she wants to buy an eight ball. So I said, you could buy half of mine. So I sell it to her.

whatever, 1.30, whatever the fuck I paid. You're such a Jewish. And she goes, I want to party. I'm like, well, what are you? I got no way to take you. And she goes, let's get a hotel room. Just like that. Just like that.

Just like that. No, like, your birthday. I didn't say nothing to the fucking girl. Went over to the Sahara Motel on sunset across from Rouse right there. Yeah. Went into a bunch of blowing. Like, at 5 in the morning, she looks at me, she goes, I need for you to do me a favor.

I need for you to pull my hair and come on my stomach. Or something fucking ridiculous. Now between me and you, I fuck you, Lee, if you let me. I'll fuck anybody, you know what I'm just saying? I'm just saying, but I didn't go to the fucker that night. I just wanted to get high. You know what I'm saying? I just wanted to get high.

Next thing you know, I'm on her shoulders, pulling her fucking hair with my dick out pissing on it. Jesus Christ. So I get home and I'm fucking whacked. It's like 8.30 in the morning. I got a rock of Coke in my pocket. I got an audition with James Coburn at 11. I go, fuck it.

I'm going to sleep. When I go to sleep, about 11 o'clock the phone rings. It's a cast director. He goes, where the fuck are you? I got the director here. I got the producer here. They're dying to give you the fucking job. So I washed my face and I ran up there and booked the American gun.

Jesus. I was fucked up. Did the ski company ever call you? They called me two days later. They were like, hey, man. Did you see anything suspicious to you on it? I'm like, no. And the kid

When I went down there The Tuesday night was in Torrance Okay And the Wednesday night was in like Redondo Beach So for the Torrance one There was traffic And I didn't make it down there or something I go bro, I'm not gonna...

He goes, don't worry about it Just come to tomorrow nights And I went to Tuesday nights And I think that they had an idea that was me But they couldn't figure out I had gone in the car So the kid thought he got drunk And misplaced the money

Oh no So I get down and the kids like, man And I tell you what happened You know that fucking girl I party with her all night Nothing fucking happened Then I realized I lost $3,000 I'm like really

He's like yeah man Because the rest of the money was in the car It was like another $8,000 in the car I felt pissed that I didn't get my hands on that But I was happy with the 3 Gs Plus the fucking 4 or 8 5 grand they had given me Jesus Christ

And we bought our first real big Color TV Me and Terry Was that fucking dumb We had like a little colored TV That you had a fucking Had an antenna made a fucking aluminum foil Yeah

We had a fucking I don't feel that to take on this story You have this whole story Of robbing them And then We went to Sears It got a nice color TV That's it

We didn't go to Sears We went up to the fucking Walmart And Vysalia One of those places up there I've never heard that story That's a crazy story That's a crazy fucking story

Doug So Let's say You are at a bar at a comedy club or wherever and they were talking about having a bag of money would you now think about stealing it? Like when did you stop thinking about that stuff?

I don't know. I always like having fun. If you're going to be that fucking stupid, I got to rob you. That's my mentality. You're going to be that fucking stupid and go out with like $3,000 in your pocket and pass out or Coke rocks in your pockets

and pass out. I'm going to rob you. Even if I love you, just to teach you a lesson. You know, I'm going to look out for you, but you can't, you know, people will take advantage of you out there. I'm a good guy. I'm the type of guy who will put you in your car. I'm the type of guy who's the type of guy I'll put you in your sleep. There's a lot of people who do some fucked up shit to you out there, you know, and I worry about a lot of people.

I worry about my friends because I know how easy life is. And a lot of people don't see, you know, some people have cop's eyes. You have a expression. I have criminalized. Yeah, you told me. He said, just watch out and make sure that, like, not three Puerto Ricans kicking in your door. Yeah, you got to, you know, I think of everything Because I've done everything

I know every stupid fucking move I know every vulnerable fucking move there is I've made a living Off of people's guards being down That's a weird living Yeah, that's crazy Once you make a living off people's guards being down You realize I'm being flat fucking broke

On a Friday in Aspen Colorado Did I tell you this story? I don't know, let's see And me and my ex-ex wife were walking And we were like buying dumb shit I had to be 20-something years old. It was a Friday. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We just left Snowmass Village. We lived across the street from the In-N-Out House. Wasn't I telling you about the Indiana House last week? Did I rob the sandwich place? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, and we were in a supermarket on a Friday. I'll never forget, we're flat broke. We probably had 30 bucks with groceries for the whole weekend.

Okay. And we had to get Coke with this and booze and pills. You know, it's tough when you got 30 bucks. And we saw a lady walking by me, with her purse, with her envelope, deposit slip. Yeah, of course, the little square envelope, yeah. And they put cash in it. Yeah.

The cash was sticking out, and she's looking the other way. I had to take it to show her a lesson. So, but, like, why, why now would you not take it? I'd probably tell you. Like, I see shit all the time. Like, last summer I found an envelope full of cash and checks outside of church. Some Lutheran fucking church now. 10 years ago, I would have said, fuck the Lutherans.

And I would have clipped the money, and I would have dealt with it later. I brought it back in. I thought about it later what happened. It's not about needing money or nothing. It's about something. I don't know. Did you get a rush from it? Like, it just sounded like you were excited to get high.

It's pretty funny because, listen, we talk about this fucking book I'm writing. Yeah. And last night, this last week, I've been writing about my criminal career and how it started. I was never a bad kid. it's not what I aspired to do ever at 12 I didn't sit there going I can't wait to be fucking old so I can tell the cops to suck my dick

you know that's not what I aspired to be but as a kid we did dumb shit yeah listen when you're a kid that's what it is to be a kid you do dumb shit we rob little motorcycle trains you know

I remember one time a guy left a van with t-shirt designs and an iron that used to melt in the old days there were stickers so you like the stones he would give you a tongue and they'd be on a white shirt like this and they would charge you six bucks

or something. The guy left a van. I'm giving that terrace where I took you. He left the van with the iron, boxes of fucking shirts and boxes of those stickers. Yeah. You know, and none of those kids were thieves. Me, Domic Spatia.

We all had families and we all, we're none of the fees. But if you're going to be that fucking dumb, we're going to rob you. What would you do with the iron and t-shirts? But don't leave in the back of a van with the windows open to know in there because either we're going to rob you, somebody else is going to

fucking rob you. And it's a bad way to think. We cleaned that guy out and we took him to some fucking grocery. We took him to some convention, like T-shirt convention in the city. We were like in the seventh grade. We ended up each, like, 200 fucking bucks. Jesus. That's what I'm

talking about. So we weren't bad kids, but if you weren't going to pay attention, we're going to fucking rob you. Do you ever do that? I did that a week or two ago. I was at a gas station, Inglewood picking up the girl and I was stupid. I left, I, I did, the card said the

machine said you had to go inside and I was stupid, I had left my phone on my car and I went inside to pay with the card and as I was walking out of the door, I was like, oh shit, I left my phone on my car. And I just assumed it was going to be gone. Luckily it wasn't, but do you ever do stuff like that now? Sure.

Like, oh, I was so nervous. And you say to yourself, I deserve it. Yeah, I deserve it. My wife got an iPhone clip from her. Really? At fucking Target. They slipped it right up here.

Yep, right in LA. Fuck. Because she wasn't, I know my wife. Ha, ha, ha, ha. She wasn't fucking paying attention. You don't got nothing to say to me. I don't know what the fuck you talk. You know, I see young girls getting involved with these guys all the time.

You ever see like these fucking fake fucking black dudes. They were like a rastafarian's and you see him. Like you go into the 7-Eleven or something. You'll see two white girls and he's begging them for money. Yeah. Like putting them together on some deal You know how you avoid that You don't even look at the motherfucker

You don't even stop the talk You just keep walking You just keep fucking walking That's how I was raised You don't even have to get involved with them Because then you're gonna have to say I can't I gotta go to the store

I don't have any money I gotta go to the ATM Dog Keep walking And they know They know when the person knows And they can't spread their fucking magic on you Oh it happens to me all the time

I was younger And I tell you Don't even talk to them I don't know you, dog. I got to go. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm sorry.

I don't even say I'm sorry. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You don't even let them get to plan A. Because if you let them get to plan A, once you make a commitment, you can't get out of it. Yeah. They'll get a plan B. Why fuck around?

Don't even go there. Don't even stop. Dog, I got to go. I don't know what you're talking. Mino Ablo. Mino Ablo. I don't know. I don't blow. I don't know. I'll blow. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

And you don't know, you avoid that whole confrontation of fucking, you know, well, come on, man, can't you spare, can't you give me a ride? No, I can't. You're not getting in my fucking car. I don't know you. I don't know nothing. So before you get into that, I don't know and whatever, I got to go. That's great. And let them talk. They'll talk. You don't know them. They're not going to be your friend on Facebook. Fuck you, man. That's great. Fuck me, man. Okay. That's great. What happened to me? Like a week ago. Oh, please.

It happens at your time because you stop and give these people light. I do. There's certain people that give light to certain people. You cannot give these people life. I feel bad. I have a friend Mike Ricker, who I love Dealey. Yeah. Love Dealey.

But once he comes over and he gets Plan A and it starts with, you got weed. Yeah, come on in, bro. What's happening? Nothing. Come on in. Yeah. Then they sit. Yeah, yeah, I got weed.

Yeah, let's roll a join. All right. Yeah. Hey, man, you got your. I'm thirsty. No shit. Yeah, let me get you some water. Then when you get up and you come back,

hey man, I'm fucking hungry. Yeah, I got a sandwich. Then you got cigarettes. You got a lighter. Got an ashtray. Hey, can I get a joint to go? Which way are you going? Now you try to get rid of them.

And you go, ooh, I got an audition. Which way are you going? I'm going to the valley. Good, good, good. Drop me up by here. No! If you were to fucking not over it. open that door. You wouldn't have had that shit. They don't stop. Yeah.

Once you give them that one A, they don't fucking, where's the musically? It's fucking Monday. We're talking shit. What the fuck? Get it together, cucket. Where's the reefer? No edibles. A little something for the people in your life that have gone. Give them some light to they light a candle. Tom, you love them. Think about them. Spark it, baby. You? Why? When somebody breaks your heart. I'm going to see Tony Bennett.

Are you really? Well, the second at the Hollywood Bowl, my wife. I'm taking on a date and shit. Oh, shit. The next night is Diana Ross. The follow all week is Willie Nelson and Friends. In Friends. And you know I'm going to Willie Nelson in front.

She should get a Tony Bennett on the podcast. Shit, I love to get Tony Bell. Oh, yeah, baby. So see how he does it. What's going on, O'A, baby? Talk to me, you little dirty cuck sucker. Well, I was thinking about it. What are you thinking about it now?

Because I always try to, before the podcast, think of a new way to talk about Hulu Plus, because I don't want it to seem like it's just something I'm reading. And I realize the stupidest thing. There's mostly guys who listen to the podcast. My girlfriend likes me. the main reason she's dating me is I have air conditioning

I have a comfortable couch and she loves Hulu Plus it's fucking hysterical The first thing she does is she sits down I have it on my PlayStation 3 She loves South Park She loves family guy We just sit there

And I mean Terry loves it For all the guys out there watching It's uh Even if you don't I mean no matter what You like to watch they have it It's honestly probably in the top 10

Of why she's dating me She loves it And then you can tell her about the code. And I don't know. She fucking loves it. I know Terry watches it. You watch it. You watch it.

Terry's watching, having a good time with the Hulu. I think it's almost up. So she's going to sign up. She said it. Okay. Yeah. What the fuck? You know?

What the fuck? You know? It works out for $7.95 a month? Yeah, 795 a fucking month. And you're sitting there, you know, scrolling, playing games, looking for entertainment. Cursing people. Your TV and got no entertainment.

There you go. Go to Huluplus.com. Press Joey in the box. Big letters. little letters, J-O-E-Y and move on with your fucking life.

Lulu Plus. There you have it. Let me tell you what else is going on. I'm really liking this fucking shroom tech sport. Are you using that a lot?

I'm really liking it. Really fucking like it. Did it help you at that like Marcela Madness? Help me. Help me Friday night. It's weird. It helps you later on.

Like you're thinking fucking tired. No, I'm not. I can do this again. And I was rolling. I was doing a little minute and a half intervals. I was doing a bunch of shit.

That's why I'm so fucking saw Saturday and Sunday. But I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what Omnets got over there now. Now they got a 3-pack. You can buy a New Moot 3-pack. You could buy a Shroom Tech fucking shrimp pack. And they got this new thing, the total primal care pack.

It gives you two packages a day. A nighttime package and a morning package. It's 109.95. Pressing the code. You get a discount off of that. And it's 30 days to a fucking six-pack. I would fucking do it. But with me, it's like 300 days to a fucking six-pack.

That day, night pack is easy because for guys like me who's an idiot. It tells you take this in the day. Take this at night. I'm telling you, go to onit.com. Onet.com. Onet.com. Do yourself a fucking favor. Get that total primal care.

In fact, I ordered one. I called, I hit my man up yesterday and said, can I get a tunnel? Because I want to start taking the whole thing. I'm just taking the shrewm tech and the fucking strong bone right now. I'm out of alpha brains. I'm going to get back.

But I got to stop snorting those motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? Making a little Jesuso juice. Make a little J-Zo juice. Making a little Gizmo juice. What else, Con? Cuck suck, you're looking good? What's going on with the jumping jacks for Uncle Joey?

Let's do some. Let me do like three or four for your uncle Joey. Get the blood going. You bad motherfucker. You're not smoking dope. I'm giving you a breather on the fucking edibles now. My girl, Auntie Dolores, sent me a box. Did I bring it over and torment you?

Look at Lee. Look at section of the motherfucker. Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Look, and I'm breathing, cock-suck of the neighbors. They're downstairs going on. One more, and my pants are to fall. I'm telling you. One more jumping jacket has been all over about to

shout in Lisa. Oh my God. So you're in love, God's up. I don't want to say that. I mean, that is something I think about, though, saying it too early. Like, when you start dating someone, you're always worried about it up and popping out. But, uh... Usually it comes out when they're licking your balls.

That's when it comes out. When they're licking that nut and you're like, I love you. Oh, my God. When did you get to the point with Terry that you didn't feel like you'd to go to bed at the same time. Because I always stay up late. Yeah, yeah. I do that now. Get the fuck.

No, I know you go to bed. You go to bed. We fuck. We look at each other. It looks like, you gotta get up for work. I ain't got a job. So, on the way.

You think me and Terry discuss? What time I'm gonna go? No, I know you don't discuss it, but like she, like the girl was falling asleep, but I work nights for a year. So we're in the fucking bed and you come on and hang up. That's what I did, but I'm just...

That's when you're working on the CD, Cuccaux sucker. It'll be... They're watching Hulu and Gulu and Chowl House on the lake. You were supposed to watch Sons of the Labs this weekend. I don't own it, and it's not on Netflix. But you know what is on Netflix? Fucking, what is it called?

The Cabin in the Woods. It wasn't, it was okay. It wasn't... We didn't discuss Cabin in the Woods. If I wanted to watch a mediocre more, I would have told you... Do I own a Best Buy? Does it not? I know if it was anything else.

I know if it was... Yeah, I'm not exactly thrilled to the other scene movie to be terrified. What's going on with this girl asked? You got rid of this little sperm breath? No, she's my friend. Stop with the fucking friend. She ain't going to suck your dick. She's gone.

She's blowing two guys from work. She's got the fucking cousin. They come here and they sit on the couch and waste your time. They got the Chinese chick. She ain't sucking nobody's dick easy. You might as well get rid of all these people. Handle it. Get them out of the phone.

You got a girlfriend. You got no time. Yeah, but why can't I have friends? Nah, because there ain't no friends. Now at least I'm having sex. So why does it work? When you need your dick sucked, she didn't suck your dick. So she ain't no fucking friend.

When you came on her and you said, I love you. We're going to bars. Get you and the child. Chinese girl to get the chopsticks, let me clean on your fucking eyeballs. She told you no, she was in love with the guy from works and not tell her to go fuck herself. That's how it happens. You're a hot commodity. You're the director of the

year. You'll least I, yeah. You're on you're on camera right now and there's really flag behind you. You know what I'm saying? You know who the fuck you're dealing with you? Do you have any fucking idea who you're dealing with? Apparently I don't. No, you don't. Because you're slipping, cocks. Go to audit. Get yourself some fucking pills. Then you'll know. How am I still? I have. I'm having

sex all the time now. What's wrong with That's right. You're with this girl. You got a girlfriend now. You got no time to be hanging out with these fucking skimke breaths. Coming over here, taking your energy, putting a kiss of death on you. That's what I'm saying to you. Coming over here with her brother. Who shows up with their fucking brother?

Get the fuck out of here. With this fucking guy who sits an hour and a half to wait for somebody, a fucking olive garden. That's what you want in your fucking life. You still remember that? Yeah, I still fucking remember that. Because if I ever see him, I'll stab him out of principle for that shit. Because you want to meet some fucking buddy yours.

Another fucking. idiot with a skateboard in a fucking container of water. Get the fuck out of here. It's over. That's it. You got a girlfriend now. Next time she calls her looking. You come over, you're going to lick my nuts. If not, I ain't got time for this shit. I got a freak.

I'm way too hot. I'm going to smoke some more? Sure, why not? What the fuck? It's Monday, cuckuckers. Get your shit together. Look, you know, I'm giving you a pass on the edible stuff. I'm getting a pass on it. Are you excited about Philly? Am I excited about Philly?

I'm real fucking excited about Philly. If I didn't love you as much as I would, I'd bring you, and have them stab you to death. Because in Philly. Why would they stop me? Because it's Philly. You should learn about San Jose. They were nice in San Jose.

Take a hand of this fucking Sativa mixed with this devil. Satima mixed with the devil. You know, Philly was the only stadium for years I had a courtroom downstairs. You know that, right? Baseball and football. Boat. Oh, shit.

Well, it was more the Eagle Stadium where they had the fucking, they had the courtroom downstairs because they were torment people. I went to see Black Sabbath and Sammy Hagar was shaking the street. August 6th, 1980, 81,

in Philadelphia. People were spitting it. Sammy Hagar. Spitting at them. Philadelphia, they ain't fucking around. Did you ever get arrested there? So you talked that shit about fucking not eating out. in Philadelphia. They will fuck you up.

You understand me? No, they won't. Yes, they will. That's a hard. You're about the 1% that eat ass. Those three fags hit you up again on Twitter. Hey, no, hey, yeah. You want me to hit you? You want me to show you the Gmail fucking emails? You want me to show you the 200 fucking Gmail emails? I should smack you and fucking kick you in the digestive track. You don't have any idea how clean someone would have to be for me to eat their ass?

Would you consider eating this girl's ass? This little Mexican? chick, you're banging. I know she doesn't want me to. No matter what she don't want you to do. You're the Captain Kirkney Enterprise. That's what makes them stick around. If they want to boss somebody around, they'll get a little retarded boy in there smack around.

Eat my ass. Don't eat my ass. It's what fucking Lisa. I want to do. I have no interest in that, though. Flip her over. Take a look at it. Put your eyeball in there.

It's not what fucking... I do everything else, but why? I'm not at all interested in eating, like, licking someone's asshole. Don't she want to call again? She's going to find somebody who does. She already has, what are you talking about? We've been dating for a while. Two weekends.

And she's going to sit there one day and go. I've been with this guy for six months. He still hasn't subbed this tongue in my ass. He hasn't pulled my hair. He hasn't called me his little Mexican, little dirty whore nothing. You're over there talking about computer games and family guy. You know what I talk about computer? You got to toughen up a little bit, cock sucker.

You right away, I don't know if she, what do you think? This is for her. This is for you. And then. All right. For everyone listening, if I came in here and said, yeah, I looked your ass, you'd be like, you can't lick your girlfriend's ass. That's a girl on the side.

Not the girl you're coming home to? That's the one you want to lick her ass. You want to lick that far? You want to play the kazoo? You want to do a good fucking big sniff? No, I don't. Put it on her stomach and at least look at it. Open up your right.

I've seen it. You've seen the asshole? Yeah. When I'm going to do, what are you talking about? You said you wanted to fuck me earlier in this podcast. I didn't say I wanted to fuck you. Yes, you did. I said I'd fuck you.

I'm a disgust though like red man But it's When I'm when we're having sex And we go I don't You pick up a leg And you look at it

Yeah I know I didn't look I didn't go down there For that reason You didn't take a look at it What's the matter What's the matter what you got to look at it? No I did I looked at it But like I go down on her

So I see it But I'm not from There's a beautiful Everything else I don't want to I like Why would I want to look at an asshole Pick her up on her stomach

And spread her legs And go in between her little fucking muff and just smack her ass a couple times and open it up like stretch it out and look at it like the girl who sent you the bobbed wire oh that's so gross make believe you go to a tattoo on this girl's ass

one look at it stretch it out check out she got a little hammeroid there you might want to suck it like a little grape you just suck out of like a salad grape you know what I'm saying I have no idea what you know what I'm fucking talking about you know what do you ever suck on a girl's hemorrhoid I did a long time ago when I was freaking

that's so gross you got to just suck on it You hope that she works an office job And she got a little fuck One of those little purple ones on the left hand See that's my fear What's your fear? That you get some memory juice No

eyeball what the fuck? No that I would start doing this And I would start liking And I would be looking at a girl like I bet she has an office job And she could have a words You don't look at the girl except to yourself That girl's got a stinky fucking asshole

Yeah and that's why I don't want to lick it But did you ever look at a woman and go Her asshole stinks and take her home And the asshole smells better than yours I don't smell asshole yourself you feel like you judged pretty early? What are you covering your face for?

Why are you covering your faith? This is the thing I'm talking. There's no, there's no asshole on the weekend. You got to put her on her stomach, and you got to rub cream on her thighs. What kind of cream? Whatever, you know, oil or lay. I don't give a fuck. Whatever cream they got.

You rub some on her feet, you wrap some on the calves, and then when you get to that ass, you smear it out like a savage, and you open up, and you make the asshole do magic tricks. And you start this de Soleilet. you stretch it out and you look at it and you go that's mine you know what I'm saying I'm saying got to get it together is what I'm fucking saying stop covering your eyes you're 25 that's it like you got 25 you're 25 this week Saturday Saturday what are you going to do I want to hear this fucking party what are you going to do

well I was going to go to a bar but you made a good point I don't want to have to drive so I think I might just stay here with the girl we have a bottle of two bottles of tequila in the fridge already so I might just stay here what kind of tequila one it's called uh fucking, I forget One's a good one. Which me, you know, it's called, I'm going to have a headache for three fucking Oh, so you know, you told me to stay here with the girl. I know, but you got cheap tequila.

No, I got one good one. Which one, what's the good one? I'll go get it, but the other one's Jose Cuervo, which is okay. You want to do a shot right now? Do you want it? Sure, let's do a shot tequila. Let's get this fucking party started and shit. That's how we fuck around here.

We improvise here. What's what's going on? The fucking thing went out, Lee. What the hell? Get it together here. I'm going to spark a lot. another number here. Out of respect Monday, July

15th, you fucking savages. I did go see the psychotherapist. And it was very interesting. I went Saturday at 11 o'clock. I told you guys last week that since I had the ear infection, maybe in February. Yeah, yeah, since Columbus, I've been getting

fucking bad, bad panic attacks. Especially since I joined Jiu-Jitsu. When I breathe on my back, it feels like I can't breathe I didn't have to get up and loosen my fucking, and loosen my, my belt, and I have to take off my deat.

That's just a horrible feeling, you know, and I know that half of it is the edibles. I'm not that fucking stupid, but I've always suffered from this. Even as a kid, I had this anxiety all the time. I always feel like I have to do something. There's times when I have to have somebody a question, I get anxiety, like a stupid question.

that's why when people ask me stupid questions I don't know how the fuck they do it because when I ask somebody a stupid question I always feel fucking too anxious to ask them the question you know what I'm saying so I get anxiety and I've been living like this for all my life I've been living like this you know

Oh shit you're gonna take it Who the fuck you think I'm dealing with you? I can't do me I'm gonna go to work I gotta go fucking work too Oh fucking delicious Yeah it's Espelone it's good Esperanza Tequila Blanca

No, it's a... Tequila Blanco. I knew a skinny guy in the Bronx named Blanco. That's so fucking Coke. Tremendous. Has a little... Leet! A little fucking exit this, phone with Joey. Let's get some music going at 7 o'clock

with drinking tequila in this motherfucker already. You know what I'm saying? We're making it happen. What do you want to play? A little Bob Marley. Set the herb man free. Oh shit. Get up.

Wash your feet. Pout of those balls. It's going to be over 90. No matter where the fuck you have to that. Even if you're in Swahy. I got a fucking guy that email me, black dude in Africa. He said that

he's the fucking I'm fucked up. But, kick that motherfucker. Come on, people. To next to this. Tequila should I remember taking. Can you see John Lai? Everything in Lee's all right. So we're going to

want. All right. Oh shit. A little shout out to the tequila company. A little shout out to Onit there, making the things happen. We'll shout out to Hulu Plus. It's Monday, July 15th. Luceon, take the stick out of your ass, baby. It's going to be a long summer.

I forgot how good that was. What are you doing with it? It's my tequila. What are you talking about? It's my tequila. What are you talking about? What do you mean? It's not like you brought it over.

You don't seem like a shotgun, though. You don't like to drink that much. No. But I rise to the occasion. I don't sit here and tell you no and cry. Just a little bit. I don't cry. I got, no.

So when I bring an edible, I don't want no tears. You take that motherfucker and you pop it like a soldier. I haven't complained about edibles at all. You always complained. No, I didn't. I don't get no credit. So anyway, so some girl sent Ari a picture of her pussy about a month ago. Okay.

And then about two months ago, the same woman, she was about 57, 58, sent me a picture of her asshole. I'll tell you about that on Twitter? I woke up one more into a picture of a chick's asshole. Twitter but what surprised me it was perfect picture so when I told Ari by the Arby goes that's weird somebody sent me a perfect picture of the pussy I'll send you a picture of the pussy to see if it's the same asshole so we made a correlation that the pussy and the asshole belong to the same person okay so she would send pictures like dramatically once a month maybe the Ari I think she sent with a fucking Duncan one time so probably

we decided it's this fucking woman and she's like an old cougar but she's way old She's fucking gone. She's out there. She might be a little crazy. Every once in a while, she sends pictures of her feet for Dunkin or pictures of a pussy. The pussy looks like somebody shot it. Oh, no. So last week I sent you an email with the picture of the little blair's pussy.

Oh, is that one? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And he called back and he's like, why is it brown? It's a white lady. And it's like darker than dark. Oh, my God. Lee fucking died.

You were so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. I kept telling Ari. Tell him, Ari, I'm not fucking. looking at it no more. Don't not send me pictures that lady's fucking pussy. It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen all my life. I don't know how fucking people go around with a pussy

that fucking ugly. I mean my ball sack is no fucking, you know. We've all seen it. Yeah, there's probably no fucking Academy Award winner or beauty show winner, but damn, lady. But when I call Lee and he's like, why is it Brown? I fucking lost. I even told my wife.

Anyway, I was telling these guys Lee when you were. Before we start that, was that up the night you took the Kualood? Yeah, but I think the Quailu's a dud. I think those are duds, Quailu. I think they're just for, like, show. Oh, okay. Because I had a half night, the other half and nothing.

The edibles, I mean, I got fucked up, you know, on general purposes. You know, after you smoke 11 fucking joints and doing anything. But I'm going to slow down the edibles a little bit. You know, I was telling them that I went to the psychotherapist. Between you and me, I think she hypnotized me. What do you mean? I really think she, because the time fucking flew. Like one minute, it was, one minute it was 10 to 11.

And the next minute it was 12, 15, it was time to go. And was it the kind where, like, you're talking about stuff or was she talking to you? Or like, I've never been. So, like, how did it work? Well, I went in there and we discussed what was going on, you know, when I'm getting these feelings, how long have I had them? I've always had the ability to pass out. For me.

And needles and stuff. Needles, blood. You know, I was thinking about a pass out I had one summer. that it was just, I was so fucking stoned. And I went to get water or soda at the pool. You know when you were in the swimming pool? And I was waiting out of line. And it was, you know, like the beams that you have to stand and go around.

And I was like in the third row and it was like 100 fucking degrees. And next thing you know I'm waking up. And people throwing water in my face and I bang my fucking head. And I've always had the ability to pat. I remember another time I had to go for a blood test for tonsils. And they put me in one of those little school chute. chairs and drew blood out, I fucking lost it. I lost it, you know? And I always get like the, like last summer I had to get those needles in my ass. I got one needle in my ass when they thought

I was sick from the penicillin and I fucking lost it. Like I just lose it. Sometimes it's just so I knew and I know exactly when I'm going to lose it. Like I bent over to put shoes in the closet and there was a rack when I banged my fucking head and I looked at my hand and there blood and I call my wife and I go honey if you call him the next hour and I'm not around I'm past the fuck out and I went in the room when I passed out I passed out during the BJ Penn fight Joe whatever fight Joe Daddy Stevenson when he split his fucking skull on television I passed out on my couch Lee fuck you know so I haven't I have a thing to do this that's fine and every once in a while I'm on a plane mm-hmm and

whenever you lend in Burbank about an hour out of Burbank there's always very bad turbulence yeah you know you get that you ever right by Vegas yeah yeah yeah Yeah, right by Vegas, even like 10 minutes before Vegas, it's fucking horrible. It's horrible. I don't know what it is, like a vacuum there that the plane goes up and down. You know how many times I've gotten sick there where I have to sit down and pray that I'm not going to pass out or puke? It's that bad? It's that bad.

So then February, I went to Columbus, and again, I got sick from smoking a lot of pot. And when I fly, when I'm sick, you get fluid in your ears. So when I started going to kickboxing, I had been going to kickboxing a few months. But I'm not going to sit at home because I got near fiction, so I went to kickboxing. so I went to kickboxing, the place is huge. So I couldn't hear. Like the focused, my hearing was very confused. Okay.

Very magnified. So it makes you get dizzy. So that's when I started getting those panic attacks. When I'm thinking to myself, fuck, I'm going to pass out, and, you know, these people have to pick me up. And, you know, I'll never be able to come here again. Because I'll be. That all goes through your head in that moment?

Everything. Fuck. So, you know, I The last, I like doing Jiu-Jitsu. Listen to me, I like working out. I like that hour to myself. That hour and a half to myself means the world to me. Since I was a kid, I like shooting hoops,

I like the sun, I like sweating. You know, I like all those things. I didn't think I like men sweating on me. I don't want to feel like fucking Liberacee with guys sweating on me and all this shit, but I enjoy it. You know, and I'm trying to get healthy. And, you know, I can't bust this fucking. weight, you know, I'm stuck at 309, I can't bust it, but at least I'm not getting heavy.

You know what I'm saying? I like it. I don't want to fucking go, and one of the things I like is going to make me pass out now. That's the last fucking thing I need. From the minute I walk into Jiu-Jitza, that's all I'm thinking about. It's today the day I'm going to fucking pass out. So I went to see this lady. I paid the money, and when I talked to him, we spoke a little bit,

she told him about some skills I need it to get, you know, basically some visualization. skills. And you know, I never visualized like that. Like, I've never really visualized because it scares me too much. What if you want you to visualize? Like not passing out? Like not passing out and not having these thoughts. She makes me walk around with a garbage can, a mental garbage can. You know, Lee, when I was a kid, I saw, I lost a lot of things very quickly. So I know the gift of appreciating life. A lot of people would never have that gift. Yeah. You know, when I was in the eighth grade, I was playing basketball with a kid. Play basketball the way we do every day.

And at 10 to 6, his mother came on the balcony. He said, come across the street, I'm meeting. And he looked at me and he goes, you want to come over and eat. And I go, no, I'm going to go home, but I'll see you later on. I went home and I ate at home, and one time and went to another. I watched the honeymoon. There was an odd couple or whatever the fuck I was doing.

I fell asleep. The next morning I went to school, and as I walked in, when the teachers pulled me over and said, dog, your buddy's in a comb. I'm like, how can that happen? I just saw him last night. I was room until 6 o'clock. Yeah.

So in that, 12 hours. He was in a car accident, in a coma. I understand the quickness of how life changes. You know, another day, I was in my block. I'm living with the benders. And every Saturday and Sunday, these kids from my neighbor went to swimming. They went swimming either at Lake of Pac-on or they would go to all these Jersey holes, watering holes, or the Hackensack River. And every Saturday, they break in, and my buddies went on Sunday. We're like, we're going swimming. You're coming? I'm like, nah, I'll see you guys. later in the next day they're like your buddy drowned so I understand that sometimes when you see that person and you take for granted you say goodbye

them that could be the last fucking time you say goodbye to them you know I think about my mother how one afternoon I was talking to her we were living great who the fuck thinks their mother's gonna die when they're in high school you know you're thinking that thing and and you found her too it sounds just that you died you know so when you have that instilled in your psyche you understand that when you see that person, I worry about my friends. I really do. I worry about the people I call family.

I really do. Because I know how hard. I have a friend Darren Raygo. I think about him once a week. And I know, I didn't know then, but I know that my love towards him has always made me doubt life. Like, think about fuck, you know,

my life has been different since this friend of mine left. You know, we don't think of people like that sometimes. But sometimes you miss people. I miss him. I miss him. I think about my life. If he'd be around here,

how many comedians would be dead? If he was still alive, how many comedians would have been thrown off a balcony? If he was still alive, how many comedy managers would have been thrown off balconies? Seriously. I know him.

I knew him. I know him that well. That's why I talked to his cousin, Joey Falado, that you don't understand what life is. Do you have people who have your back? Then you understand why, you understand how people don't have your back.

When you have friends like that, you realize the common dude ain't got my fucking back. I'm on my own. I was very fortunate to have that, but this all goes back to I understand the quickness of life and how quickness the people you love could disaffucking peer. So I worry about people, so I have that worry in me. You know, I always worry. Like, I hate people driving me to the fucking airport. Why?

Because I would hate to fucking, I would hate to land for somebody to say, your friend got into a car accident while he was driving you to the airport. Did you hear my spiel that night at Little Joe's, original Joe's, when we were talking about how I'm like saying goodbye to people? Yeah, yeah. People always get mad at me for disappearing. I don't want to say goodbye to nobody.

I don't believe in saying goodbye to nobody, ever, at all. At all. There's no goodbyes in my fucking life. You know what? I'll see you tomorrow. I hate saying goodbye to people. I hate hugging people. Because then if you do get into a car accident,

as long as that one asshole that says, I hugged him. Why would you tell somebody that you're the fucking Kiss of death, you fucking Mo Mo. I saw him last one. You're the kiss of death. I was the last guy with him. I don't want to hear that shit. So I never say goodbye.

I just diss a fucking pere. I'm that superstitious. There's no such thing as fucking goodbye in my life. There hasn't been my whole fucking life. Ever since my friends die like that, there's been no goodbye. See you later, bro. See you later. I got to go to the bathroom.

Anything but fucking goodbye. Does it pace you off when someone says goodbye? All the fucking time. That's why when I look at you and I go, we got to go? Yeah. That means we got to go. That doesn't mean, hold on, I got to go inside. No, no, no, no, no.

That means we're leaving. They'll call you in 20 minutes and ask you where you are. And Tom, you had a shit, so you got in your car and went home. But wouldn't you rather have, like, a good memory of, like, hugging them and saying goodbye? No, no. I have better memories of them at a bar. I don't want to say goodbye to nobody. Ever.

Do I ever want to say goodbye to nobody at night or see you later? See you later, bro. See you later? Let me go to the bathroom. I'll see you tomorrow. And then phew. Peele. That's funny.

So I went, I talked to her. I got a call at Wednesday. We talked about a few things. You know, like when I go to give blood or go to Jiu-Jitsu or go to kickboxing and go to the Y. You know, really weird. I only get a little fucked up on the epileptical about the 10-minute mark. Where I start talking myself, I should get off. this I'm gonna choke I'm gonna die you know she made me put in my mind that if I did pass out

so what I'm not dying no I'm not dying so what you pass out don't worry about working out going there and give it your fucking old you know and do you think like that like maybe like the first couple times you were having a panic attack but now you just keep thinking about it too much and that's giving you the panic attack absolutely absolutely it's my mind playing tricks on me absolutely absolutely like you know I let I am such a fucking mental weakling you know I am such a I am so I'm I'm why I explained to her look at Lee I'm fearful of everything you know every time I go on stage I look at that fucking stage I remember me and you went to a

laugh factor yeah yeah and I remember walking I'm looking at the Chinese girl who brought me up and said she was a date remember yeah and I'm looking at the stage going why do I need this why do I do this to myself I always get scared so every time I do that every time I go to the doctor's Ditchie's office and he shoots me in the ass and I walk out of there. I'm taking fear and I'm showing under a carpet. I'm not really working it out. You know what?

That catches up with you. It's like anything else in life. So every time I take fear and just sweep it under the carpet, like, oh, this is going to be fine. I'll be fine. I'm just going to walk in there and be joking. Because my mother wouldn't allow me to have fear. So I always hear my mother's voice going,

hey, you fucking moron. Get the fuck up. Get your jacket on and cut the shit. Go do it the fuck. got to go do. Because that's the truth. That's how your inner voice has to talk to you. Yeah.

If your inner voice pamperes you, you're going to be a pampered fucking soul. You know, I was a pampered soul until my mother died. And then I had to raise myself. And I became, that voice is not a nice voice. That's why that voice, when I get on people, it's not a nice voice. Because the voice that controls me in my head is not a nice voice. Yeah. He doesn't say, oh, you're not feeling well today.

Well, lay in bed. going to work out. Don't worry. There's a second opportunity. No, there isn't. Get the fuck up. This is what needs to be done. I know what you want to do. Remember, there's things that we all want to do. We all want to go to the beach and party and be cool. That's great. But somebody needs to pay the fucking rent. Somebody needs to work to go to the supermarket. Some of it needs to go to fucking school. Somebody needs to send these fucking emails. Somebody needs to do something. And that's the voice I hear in my head. It's great to have it. It's great. great to watch Hulu and

Netflix and sit there and eat popcorn with fucking mommas and cheese on it but you got to work get out there and take care of business so business could take care of you on the back end. So I'm going to practice what you told me, this island of

Serenity. Is that what she calls it? Like you just kind of relax? That's where I need to go. This island has everything I need on it. I'm by myself. Did you tell you to relax during the day? Because, like, you just talk about it, like, you're always running. Like, maybe you should take, like, 20 minutes and, like, chill out.

It's not that I need to relax. It's that my mind needs to relax. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. It's that I need to slow down in my mind. There's not always something to do, but there is. Because if you don't think that way, you're going to fucking piss your life away. Then you're going to be an old fuck like me, 50, trying to fucking get it together before you die so your kid could have some fucking doughich.

You follow me? It's great to have a fucking good time But you also got to have that voice that says It's over It's Sunday night It's 6 o'clock I gotta get home Iron my clothes

I got to take a shower Wash my pussy and get ready for the fucking week You want to sit here and drink That's great You want to talk about 1980 When you scored the touchdown Against Emerson and we party That's great

But we gotta get to the getting You know what I'm saying? Absolutely We got to get to the fucking get Oh wait You say Yeah did not.

First off, Lee, there was no ashes on him. You just did it. I know, but there was no ashes on it. You think I would be that fucking... I'm so nervous. That's so nervous. Get it together.

Cocksucker. He's just action and die. Get it together. Cocksucker, little Zimmerman. Little Zimmerman. Not you serious? Get it together, right? Before we go, I wanted to ask you this,

because no one's really talked about it. Whatever you think about the verdict, which is, it doesn't matter. What do you think? What is his life? going to be now that everyone thinks he should have been guilty now he's going to be out like I was thinking about his life is

his life is still over like it's going to be terrible like do you think about that at all you know it's funny first of all I can't stand lap spent that fucking idiot that fucking has a Twitter account uh huh that has like a podcast and he kisses all these fucking

straight up comics ass and everybody could kiss their ass yesterday he had like comic sound off you know all these comedians made their fucking remarks, but do they really fucking mean it? Do they really fucking, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. All those people are so angered.

You know, how angry were you? How angry really were you? You know, if you noticed, I didn't say nothing about the fucking verdict, whatever, because the more light you give it, you know what I'm saying, the more, well, I'm angered, you know. Florida, who gives a fuck? You still got to get up and go to work the next day.

Yeah. Next time, Planned, I had, God forbid, it was you or your child. I feel fucking horrible about the Trayvon Martin family. Something went wrong than then. Judge and something went wrong. I don't know. I wasn't there. Were you? So all these motherfuckers that got an opinion

and I'm going to say something so the masses, you know, it felt wrong. The justice system. You know, let me get off your fucking I-O. You know exactly what fucking happened there. We all know exactly what happened there. And if you're fucking surprised by the verdict, shame on you, you dumb motherfucker,

I got a bridge to fucking sell you. This is life and this is America. And sometimes choices are made that, you know, but it is what it is. Yeah. So if you're going to lose sleep over to jump up and down, I feel bad for the Trevor Martin people, for their family. I feel bad that there should have been some more justice than this

that should have been taken care of from the beginning. There was a lot of loose ends from the beginning. When you have loose ends from the beginning, you can't prosecute all the way in. You know, when Jiu-Jitsu is in a position before submission, these motherfuckers are going to submission with all other shit, nothing really so. Yes, I feel bad.

A life was taken. A son was lost. A mother is heartbroken. father is heartbroken, a brother and a sister are heartbroken, but at the end of the day, to say something that you don't really know what the fuck's about, to say something fake from the fake party, so people could Twitter you back, oh my God, you're so socially, go fuck your mother, stop being such a fucking fake, you know? If you like black people that much, go down to your millionaire, go down to fucking Harlem,

go down to 20s, go down to Crenshaw, nobody does that. Yeah, of course. They were thinking about it when they wrote the tweet. I sometimes feel guilty because like a case like that will be happening and then I go about and do something else for the rest of the day like someone someone died like shouldn't you feel worse?

Like sometimes I think about that but You know it's amazing You know man I have empathy like everybody else But ever since Twitter and Facebook And all these fucking things You gotta get these people to post their opinion Hey they don't really know about it completely like myself Yeah

I don't really know about it completely because I have a life I'm trying to take care of the things. And B, they're trying to get it so they could sell a fucking ticket or whatever it is that they fucking try to do get people's. Who gives a fuck? Absolutely.

Go down there. Let me see you go down to fucking Florida. How much did you give the Trayvon Martin family? How much did you send down there? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. What the fuck? A bunch of fucking phony fucks.

Fucking phony motherfuckers. Oh, these motherfuckers trying to be swarming and shit. They want to put a pair of glasses on, so I'll listen, they know more than the other fucking guy. Get the fuck out of here, though. I hate those fucking glasses. I'm about to snap on somebody who walks up to me with those fucking

things. But what are you that's why I stay in the goddamn house. Listen, this fucking Thursday, Friday and sat him in Philadelphia, helium. Don't fuck around. These tickets are going to sell out. It's Philadelphia. Philadelphia don't fuck around. They've never fucked around. You understand me? Back from Julia

serving. Back since the day of Roman Gabriel. I'm taking your fucking back. You know what? Weight watches can suck my dick. I'm eating Chinese. I'm eating fucking cheese steaks. Oh shit. Steaks, plural. And I'm getting down. I'm going to have a good time at Philly. So if you want to fucking get down, you want to smoke some weed. My family's coming to the second show on Friday night. If you want to come in there and ask some questions and get some real

fucking answers. Come on down. The 20 of them are coming from Northern New Jersey. Oh shit. The Runnies. Mike Runny, Danny B. wins. Oh, he's going. The Philly Godfather. We ain't fucking around down there. Pictures, videos, the whole thing. So if you want to be a part of it, come on down to helium. The following week the 26 and 27, myself and Don Marrera at the Ice House Comedy Club. Four shows. Friday and Saturday, bab boom, boom, it seats 180 people. We know what that means? Get your tickets to fucking day. And then that following Wednesday, it's me and my main man, Lee Syatt, doing a live

podcast on the Ice House with a very special surprise fucking guests. Don't fuck around on this one. Ten dollar tickets. Who you kidding? And that's it. That's how it fucking breaks down. Let me give some shout-outs. As usual, my main main man. man Ali Baas. My main man, Nalumi Modis from fucking Africa. My main man, Corey Jones. My main man, Eric Thomas, my main man, South Jersey, Rican Ron, Wayne Binder,

Carol Hamill from Grand Rapids, you sexy bitch. Buck Russell and Wolf hashtag. Darren Hamill. That's his fucking name. Anyway, I love you, Cocksucker. So that's what I'm talking about. Very sad what happened this last week. from glee die i don't know what happened there yeah you know listen man people gonna come and go in your life i just hope that you uh hand with correct i'm happy you fucking came anything look at you you're in love you're a sharp man what's going on with the juicy you're done that's it never

again with you fucking beats that shit's disgusting i don't know beats i can't do beat the fucking disgusting but you're with juice but you won't sniff a girl's little monkey no i like the monkey i don't like the coo what's the asshole the what's the asshole yeah i don't like that i don't like that. I like the muffler. The monkey's great. You do? Yeah. All right. We'll get it together. Cocksuck. I love you people. As usual, it's a beautiful day to be alive. Don't sit there and waste your fucking time.

Go out there. Stab a motherfucker. Not in the back in the neck. Look them in the eyes and go out there and say, I'm the captain Kirkland. He's fucking Enterprise. Let's do this. Let's get the fuck out of here. See you in Philly, bitches. Oh, shit. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial at Hulu Plus. Like I said, the girls love it.

Just do it for them. If you don't want to do it for yourself. Start watching your favorite head shows right now. Go to our homepage at joeydius.net and click on the Huluplus banner for your free trial or go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. Again, the banner at joeydiaz.net or Huluplus.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Little funny all-stars live from Africa with George Santana. Take that.