The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 07/17/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #98

Episode Date: July 18, 2013

Comedian Agostino "D'agostino" Zoida comes into the studio for the entire podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for a 2 week free trial. Recorded live on 07/17/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, S&L, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Hulupluss.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Oh, shit. It's fucking Wednesday, cucksuckers.

I didn't do one this morning It's the afternoon We're putting it together for you Oh shit If you don't have a joint your hand Or a bun or a fucking bazooker Or a knife You're slipping

Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit Put that up loud Lee how can mean that wiggle Cocksucker Twinsday Shake it baby Oh shit

Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit My sucker Tats My Sucket This way. Sing it, baby. Oh, shit.

What's up? The flying Jews in the fucking house. If you end up doing fucking sidekicks for Jesus, you're slipping, motherfuckers. It's 150 degrees out there. Stay in the house, put the hair on mind your fucking business. Why go out there and melt with the rest of the white people? Fuck them. Hit it.

Welcome to the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. What's happening, Lisa? Not much, dude. You were telling me when he came in, you're happy because you didn't go to Hollywood. I remember sending you to Hollywood? it again. I'm happy if I don't have to get on the fucking 101, the 405, the 210, or the 134.

All right, that brings me fucking joy and happiness when I can spend the whole day close to the Boudoir. Not in the house, but close to the Boudoir. I'm at different locations. I'm at the fucking coffee shop. I'm working out. I'm at the Y. I'm at the weed store, but I'm in my fucking neighborhood. That's what

makes my dick hard. You're on fire right now. I'm on fire. You kidding. My main man's in the house today. Diagas. What's up, guys? Tell me a real name. Augustino Zoya. Augustino Zoyda.

Oh, shit. Let's cut and half the Agostino. You're the best part is when I did the Sacramento with him, I'm looking at all the flyers. They all say Diagostino. Do you go up by Diagostino and St. No, I don't. That's just what he called me.

It's over. That's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. That's how it is. People always ask me, like, where the flying Jew come from? I have no idea where it came from. It don't matter.

It's here. It's all that matter. You're ready for a fucking Chebo? It's Wednesday. You got a job interview in two hours. Let me have a job interview in two hours. I need two Cheebo. I don't respect.

I call him up. Listen, I can't make it inside. Why are you outside? What's going on, guys? Everything good. I'm happy you're here today. I have the reason why I have Diagostino in, he's going to try to help me or help me fucking write the next special.

At least, you know, I'm trying to do something good for you people, so I'm going to look at it from a different angle, put a different head and there in the difference of the eyeballs. And I worked with the Agostino a couple times, and he really impressed me. You know, you've been in a comedy game only four years. Yeah. But you're very knowledgeable because you also run one.

You run like a comedy club part-time. So it's really good. You've gotten to see, from the other angle. You've gotten to see a lot of bad fucking comedy and a lot of good comedy, a lot of in-between comedy. And it's like I always say that I guarantee Joe Rogan must be a great jujitsu guy

because he's taking such an... education from watching to Jiu-Jitsu that they teach you being practiced now. So now he knows what works and what doesn't work. You follow me because you're watching it from a different angle. So it's not just doing comedy

now. You have to watch comedy and let people know they suck and they can't come back and that's the worst. And that's the worst to watch people's reaction. But at the same time what really happened was about this is straight up people. About four years ago, I didn't know what I was going to do. I just

know that I was doing okay from movies and residuals and shit like that and I was getting little local gigs and I didn't really know what to do and I was lost and my wife I was talking about moving to the valley we were gonna move we had to move out of Hollywood and I didn't want to move out of Hollywood

me I wanted to stay in the city with the nitty gritty and I was on the road and she called me and she goes I looked at like 20 places but Joey I found the spot and she told me where it was in Studio City whatever and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. And we went up there and I said, look, here's the deal.

I'm going to move with you because this is what you want. When you're a husband, you're there to make your wife happy. I'll give it a year. And if it doesn't work, we're moving back to Hollywood. And the third day I knew I was fucking home. Like I knew I was home. Once I didn't hear cars anymore and yelling and screaming and I could feel that I was sleeping better. My blood pressure wasn't as high from driving in those fucking streets.

I knew that the valley. And then I started experimenting and walking around and there's a comedy club There's a couple comedy clubs in the Valley They're not bad Yeah And in the process of all this I was thinking about not quitting comedy

But I was talking to my kung fu teacher at the time The Conjicempo guy And I was training with the personal training And he was the guy I had on the Duncan podcast About the Santa Ria guy And we were talking one day And he goes, you know

When you're an older comic You have to start helping the young eyes. I never looked at it that way. When I did comedy and all the fucking comic came and said something to me,

I want to spit this fucking face. Really? Yeah, there was a couple of them that came with good intentions. But the majority that came up to me always had bad fucking stupid. Oh, they're just being douchbats. They weren't trying to do you.

So I always felt creepy going up to a comic and go, do me a favor. Stop saying that fucking joke. I've been around you for three fucking weeks that don't work. Stop saying. it but you can't say that it's like when somebody comes up to you say hey that dude's on coke

or whatever as a friend you want to go up to him and go hey stop with the blow you're a funny fucking guy but then i think back to when i was doing blow if you came up to me and said stop with the blow i'd probably grab your fucking shirt and rip it off and tell you to get the fuck out of the room so that's how i treated people and that's wrong you have to act like a leader sometimes and take some young guys and go listen bro do this do this you're funny you know it helps them well you've been doing it for like 15 20 years now. And I don't care. I love fucking taking, I love, I would

love to get a science project and get a guy and just show them different energies how to come up, you know, but it's very hard to tell somebody something because we all want to do it our own way. That's what makes us special. It's not because we're stupid or, you know, when you're Italian and say your testatura or whatever.

You're from the northern Italy. You're harder. No, we all want to do something our way. I bet when you told your mother you want to come to California, what's just a idiot. Yeah, stay in Boston. You know, you can get a career. you're there, you can start to pay, and then they look at it, like, they look at small things, like, you'll make $8.52

an hour, and you'll get benefits after 90 days, and you're like, Ma, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. I want to go to the beach. And, like, for me, at least, I don't know about you, but, like, with the weight loss thing, too, I, like, people would say it, and not all, like, even

if they weren't mean, it used to piss me off. Like, because I've, like, from day, like, I've never been skinny, out from day one, I've been big. And now it feels weird, like, people, asking me about the juicing or whatever and I'm like I don't want to I would never go up to somebody because it used to like really not hurt me but I would feel bad at when someone would say it and like now now that I'm in the middle of trying to lose the weight like it's different like you have like if people ask you questions you can answer it and it must be like kind of the same way

with you with comedy like you you didn't like the older guys coming up and making it seem like they knew better than you but after you go through it well you know I got to meet all different kinds of young guys and I really get a kick out of them I get a kick out of looking at guys that are fucking crazy. Like Bucch? Like Bucch? Like Bucch. Like Bucch.

You know, like Bucch. I love watching guys development. I really watch it and I go up to him and I grab him and I say, but everybody has their own idea. Like I tell you, I like to choke every once in a while. It's Jerry Roaching because he's such a funny guy. He's such a fucking passive hippie type motherfucker. Take that joke, put him in the front and choke him with it.

Go after him. them with it. You know what I'm saying? There's jokes that you have to go after people with them. If you go after it with them, they like it's a weird perspective. People are like, what do you mean go after with it? Put the joke up there, grab them with that fucking joke in a bag, you know? And people like it when you attack

them like that video we put up of you yelling at that Jew and flappers. People love it. No, but I was a yelling at she's the one that was yelling, she was drunk and stuff like that. But the thing is DiAgostino is one of those guys that we became friends through the club and I really love him. Well, he's not at the club.

I don't go up there. Yeah. If he's not there, I won't go up there. He's the only reason why I go to this club. Even if it's a talk to him, we get a thing of juju-bees. We have our own little ritual. Three years now. Go on stage.

It just comes by. I says, hello. I go to get juju-bees. I come over. I give him a box. We eat a box. He asked me if I want a fucking Mexican. Cazadea.

Which are delicious. Late night, about 1130. Those cassidias coming strong. They come in heavy. Dude, you go home past the fuck out. From the guy or from the club? No, from the club. Oh, I've never eaten there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got good case of Dias. And then you put me up to close up. You know, because of the ha-ha, the Agostino, was because I got to do Gabriel's thing. Right. Because I prepared for that. It's really weird what you could do with different comedy clubs.

Like a lot of people in this town take a small comedy club, they don't want to perform it. Like, I got to get into the comedy store. Why? Yeah. That's set at the coffee shop is going to do you more good

than they set at the fucking comedy store. But it's really tough to say that to people. It's very tough to vent it. somebody, you know, and I had tons of people who mentored me, but I had tons of people who insulted the fuck out of me at the same time. They thought they were cute or they were going to come in, you know, and in different

parties, even when I was a criminal. You know, the other day I had the girl over from my agency. She answers the phones and she sets your plane tickets and this girl was like one-stop shopping. I got to call her up and go, yeah, I don't know what hotel is staying in Miami. She goes, where are you home? Bing. Next thing you know, you got 10 hotels, what she

thinks, what she got off Yelp, you know, and I talk to him. She's 19 years old. Oh, wow. You know what it is to be 19 in the comedy business? You know where I would be when I was 28? I know. If I started as a, you know, if I,

if I, if I started as a, in somebody's office at 19, by the time you're 25, you could be a top match manager in this town. Yeah. Taking somebody, just calling them. Hey, Diagostina, remember me? Yeah, listen, I want to bring this town over. Boom. CAA, boom, boom.

That's how fast it happens. But you got to commit to it. And like, that's what we were talking about earlier. I'm 50. You guys are about to become 25 years old, the boating the next 10 days. Yeah. And then, like, I went, I edit TV shows and stuff. I went to college court and spent way too much money.

And you started out basically the same time that I went to college. You started doing comedy. Right. And you have no debt now. And it's good that I have a degree because people, like, I never get asked about it, but I don't know, if I ever wanted to sell insurance. You go to these interviews, do they ever bring it? Never, not once.

Come on! Not once. And you went to fucking heavy duty school, you got proper training, come on. The only thing they say is, oh, you went there, that's nice. What shows have you worked on? That's all they ask. And, like, my dad even says, he wishes, like, maybe we had taken out 50 grand in loans or whatever, and I moved out here at 18 and started being a PA or something.

And I would have been four years ahead of what I'm now. Yeah, you think about it. You fucking think about it. Because, listen, it's every day going. You can read all about your. fucking book. You can read all the Jackie Gleason biographies all you want, but nothing beats

hands on. I see a ton of people who come out of here. I had a friend who was a comedian. Then two years later he was a photographer. Then two years later he was a producer and I would watch him and go, you think because you get one job. I'd rather go to Adam Sandler's company and go look at

I'm going to get coffee. I don't care how old you are when you're 30 because the shit moves so quick. Just get in there and learn. And if you've got a half, fucking heart of a brain. Like if you know how to go to work every day, listen, I'm not saying to be antisocial. You go out, you have some beers, but you know how to

keep it together, and you always got your eye on that fucking focus that someday I could direct or someday. I know a guy that started with Alan Sandler's company holding fucking wires. And today, he's in charge of all the behind the scenes and all his fucking DVDs. So there's a movie, and then there's a whole thing

of behind the scene. That's all him. He puts that whole fucking thing together. And he's 32 years old. I know he makes six fucking figures I know they take him with him to all the movie shoots and Adam only shoots in fucking Hawaii But he does he only shoots in fucking Do you know that they shoot movies sometimes in Hawaii

And they see GI the palm trees out Really? Did you fucking know that that was the main thing When we shot the longest yard That they were going to shoot in Hawaii The first place was Hawaii That was his first choice He had Jen done the movie

That's hysterical when he goes to Hawaii And he loses his The chick loses her memory That's a first date great fucking movie. That's a great fucking movie. Doesn't she run over the Filipino guy once? That's one of the funniest scenes out of. He's got the glass

of iron shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he loved it so much that he said, let's shoot the longest shot. At the first meeting, he looked me straight in the face. He goes, bring you, we're going to Hawaii. And I go, how are you going to shoot a fucking prison? In Hawaii, he goes, we're going to see you at the fucking palm trees out. So that's how they were going to roll. And then the second thing was like the Midwest somewhere.

Like they wanted to shoot somewhere flat. But it was too late. The prison wouldn't let them do it. So New Mexico raised their hand. So we shot in New Mexico. That's amazing. You couldn't spend six weeks in Hawaii. You wouldn't have been here right now.

But think about that, people. If you commit to something, you know how many things happening in this? How many jobs open up right before your eyes? How many times have you gone to work somewhere and they have a manager and you go back six months? I'm saying a complete different office. Yeah, absolutely. In this fucking town, because nobody's

coming into that. If you stay, if you stay and shut your mouth and take notes and pay attention while everybody else, who's drinking Friday there? Go ahead. I work till eight, your fucking dummy. And you have to have a thick skin. I'm helping out for this week at an office I used to work

at. And even with you, there was a guy at that office who were really good friends now, but like, sometimes the way people teach is not with anger, but it's like, it's like, tougher like sometimes you yell like you you get angry with me for like with a documentary a couple things and it's not like it's not because you're like it like super mad but it's the way someone teaches and it's for me it's it's so i thrive under it like i like it's better than oh you're

doing okay like this guy yesterday yelled at me because i wasn't listening to something he wanted to teach me but it's like it's the way some people learn and i learned speaking of a waste of a college i spent a year and a half at the first place i worked and i started a building furniture and shit. And I learned 80% of what I know. Building furniture. When was this? At the first office I was at. I was an assistant editor,

but she would come and I'd be working and she'd be like, you, you've got to go build these desks. I was essentially a PA. And then one night, because she was, this one lady was really crazy, she came in when I was, because I would sit with that guy who would teach me, and I was

sitting with him and she came in and she had me leave because I had to close all the blinds and all the offices. And it's just the shit, like the first jobs you go through and shit like that. I mean, you work at a comedy club,

you must have started out and they must have been like, you must have been like trying to watch the act and they're like, hey, you got to go organize the menus or something. Oh, I mean, it's always a fucking curveball all the time throwing at you, you know?

Just because someone, and it's always the people in the shittiest jobs that tend to have a high horse about it. Like the movie theater, I worked in a movie theater for three years, and they come in and you have to wear black shoes and have no.

nice pants on. I'm like, we're serving popcorn. And you're making $12 an hour. I'm making $8 an hour. Let's relax. Like, it's people who have a little bit of power, they take it way too far. It was probably less than $8 an hour back then, right?

Yeah. You know, I got to be honest with you guys. Comedy was the only thing I ever stuck with. That and school. Like me quitting at school, the beginning of my senior year, stayed with me a long time, guys. That was a really bad time in my life.

And staying back, too. And I was sharp, and I was a sharp kid. It wasn't that I was retarded or I was on drugs or on recovery on heroin or in jail. I quit because I got a job my junior summer. There's a lot of times in high school, a lot of kids, especially Italian kids. Their family-owned brickmakers and companies, the construction companies. They had their future set. And it's not just a job.

I mean, everyone who listens probably knows, but, I mean, you were on your own. I was on my own. You were 17 and you had to pay your own bills. I was broke for a while, and I was trying to put the pieces together, and his family let me live with them and they were very nice and finally I had this job and it was union and I could work nights

seven to fucking four and I made you know 500 a week come on guys so I quit this fucking high school shit and then in November I got hurt like October I got hurt and I went to my friend's house

as father as a football coach and he goes why don't you go back to school I'll do the paperwork for you and it was like nothing you know it was like everything was smooth and then they didn't let me graduate because I was two credits short They want me to go to high school, so I said, fuck you guys.

I ain't going to fucking summer school. I'm done. Yeah. And I went and got my GED in Colorado right before fucking the university. All those. I didn't know you go to GED. I got to make an official. Oh, shit.

Don, you got to do what you got to do sometimes. And what difference did it make? What difference did it fucking make? That time when I needed that money, that was 12 weeks. I put together like, I don't know, I was making like a thousand a week. I don't even know what the fuck I was doing. It was a union job. I had put together like $3,000 savings.

When they fired me, I got unemployment. They fired me because I got sick on the job one night. I puked and went home. I lived right down the corner from the place, and I couldn't get back in. So they said I'd walked off the job. And about a month later, I went to get my last check. And the fucking, the union guy saw me, the shop steward.

He goes, where you've been? And they fired me. He goes, nobody ever fucking told me. What happened? I told him the story. He was, they can't fire you for that. He took me, we went into something. Like three weeks later, he called me.

We went to see some meeting, and he got me paid for that whole fucking time. That fucking put me ahead. That was the first time since my mother died that I had really taken a chunk out of debt, and I could get some clothes, and, you know. So it all worked out. I got unemployment. Then they laid me off. I got, got, I got, got, got, got, got.

And I collected fucking unemployment, because in those days you worked the winter, and in January, they lay you off. Yeah, yeah. And you stay off until April. And then they call you an end. paper and you'd work two weeks and it was great it was fucking great so I took the chance and what difference it made I'm just very surprised that Lee you're not the first person who's told me that their college degree is a waste and they've gone for heavy-duty fucking subjects and it's a waste they've

gotten a job and something else but I thought listen college all college was when I was growing up was to let a future employer know that you can make a commitment to something for you that's all it is now is that what it is now well I mean for some degrees Like I was saying, my girlfriend is going to law school and it's going to cost her 150 grand over three years. So it's crazy. Stuff like that, stuff like science or math-related stuff, you probably need. I'm never asked about it. Like writing anything in entertainment, probably.

Anyone who goes and gets an English degree or a history degree and then they end up selling insurance, they could have just went and sold insurance. I had a friend in who... lived the town over from me. She went to Bentley University in Waltham, which is like a nice, rich person's school. She got like a international business degree.

A week after she graduated from that, she got her real estate license and she's been selling real estate. You could have just went and got your real estate license and not went to four years and had your parent, like, I pay my student loans

and my parents helped with a portion of it. But these kids have their parents pay for everything and then right after graduation you go and get your real estate license like you don't need your college degree for that listen i was uh i was 17 when i met my wife right so i shit i don't come my parents aren't wealthy people you know what i mean so i had and she's older than me she was 21 you know she had a car she had a license she had a job she was driving her at big tip yeah take notes i always dated an older woman too that's funny yeah so imagine like Imagine like this young kid, I felt a lot of pressure.

So I was just like, as soon as I turn 18, I'm like, I'm going to get a job. You know, I don't, there was, it was a problem in our relationship. Like, I don't have a car. I didn't have a job. I don't want to be that guy. I felt like a bum, you know? What did your parents say when you didn't want to go to college? They didn't force me.

They didn't push me or nothing like that. Only like one of my other sisters went. Okay. I have three older sisters and only one of them went to college. Another one went and then like stopped. And the one that went and stopped, she's like, she's a graphic design out. She makes websites and stuff like that. She's very good at it.

She's a good business. And it's nothing to do with anything that she studied for, you know? And she just learned because her husband did it. And she taught, he taught her, you know. I had to go get a job when I was like 18. I started as a box boy in like a retail store. Then I moved up. Eventually they're like, hey, it's busy.

We need the box boy out here selling too. I came out and I was selling. And then I got promoted to salesman to promote the store manager eventually. And eventually one day I just got fired and I was always a big fan of standup. And I was like, I'm going to try standup while I have this time off. And I can get unemployment. You know what I mean? So I never went back again to like any other job.

Yeah. Fuck, you work, you were a store man. Like, you must have seen a lot of people who take those jobs too seriously. Oh my God. And you must have too. Fucking you worked in Colorado. You said you worked at like a shoe, like a foot locker. I worked at Aldo shoes.

Oh, God. I fucking got it. I was just thinking about, you know, because I'm a, I tell people this shit. And people giggle at home. Like, when I was 25, compared to YouTube guys. I didn't have the calmness of you guys. I was a savage. I was an American savage.

Like my mind right now, I would be thinking of Robin, and, you know, it was just a different mind. But I still had, I wanted to be something. I just didn't know what to do. At 25, I just wanted to be something. I just didn't know what to do. I wish I would have been like you guys, known at 25, that this is your life calling.

And maybe nothing. 10 years, I believe it might be a profession, fart taking it to the face. Professional. We were trying to talk the girl at the ha-ha the other day. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. To take the fart in the face,

and she would not do it. She wouldn't do it for 200? Nothing. With her pants on. You can keep your pants on. You can't fart this face. And then there's a girl at the weed store that's really cute. Oh, really?

The white chick. I think she's half Armenian. She's got the biggest fucking ass. But you could tell there, celly Lloyd under there and everything. But still, and I asked her yesterday, point blank. I said at the weed store. I looked and I go, can I answer you questions? He goes, what's this? I go

you'll listen to the podcast. She goes, yeah. I go, Lee. I got to make him take a fart in her face. I go for the small nickel, will you do it? And she just looked at me and she goes, no, no, no. Right? And I go, and she looked at me like, surprised, I said, I got to ask,

it's bad out there for a pimp. And she kind of looked at me and she goes, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry. She goes, I don't know what I was thinking. Someone even asked Tabitha of his students on Twitter. And she said no. Yeah, Tabitha Stevens got to ask. So listen, guys, it's amazing that you guys are doing what you're doing.

Like, I applaud you. But I'm going to tell you something else. I'm going to tell you something. You know, it's amazing what friendships do. It's amazing the people I met when I was 25 and 26. The little things I remember and the things that were just worthless people, but other people left me. Like, did you know I was hanging out with a guy, dog?

I never told this story. I was hanging out with a guy for about six months. but this is how sharp I am. This guy was an undercover cop. And I was planning on heist and stuff with him. He was an electrician. Do you know he was an undercover cop? I didn't know until 10 years later.

Oh, okay. I thought you were hanging out with him as, like, he knew he was. Okay. He just bumped into me when we worked together. It was something, he was part of something. There was a business that the guy was selling Coke or something like that. And I guess this guy was an electrician. Back in Minneapolis,

Because he told me the whole story, and he was, and bro, I had worked with him. That's how I met him. You know, I got referred to him by an electrical inspector. And I used to go to this guy's house on Friday nights, eat pizza with him and his wife. I mean, I lived 50 feet away from them. They lived in, like, B building, and I lived in Creekside D. They lived in B building, you know. I never spent the night there, but I go watch a movie.

He didn't smoke pot. He didn't do blow. But I remember one time I gave him an ounce of blow to hold, and he held it for me for a month. and shit. And I went back there and got it from him, and it was the same Coke and everything. So I don't know what his commitment was, but he taught me how to cut alarms.

He was the guy that taught me how to, like, if you had a general alarm with the horn on, you know how some people just had the Puerto Rican alarm with the horn, and they got the tape on the glass. This is 82, you know what I'm saying, 83, guys. So it's amazing that you guys are hanging with me, and I've never taken you down the bad street, but the people I was hanging out with at that age,

were fucking lunatic. Do you think he was like waiting for you to do something big and he just never did it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think that we became friends and then during our friendship, I opened up my flap and started talking.

And I didn't realize it until about 10 years later. I tried to rob a jewelry store one night. And I did it exactly how he told me. The cops were waiting for me that night. I didn't get arrested. They never caught me. They came to my house because they found the foot tracks. Oh, that's that one?

The snow. Yeah. It must be hard to be a burglar in Colorado for that reason. Well, at that time, but that night, it was hysterical because the boots were in my house. And they asked me, where were you? I go, I didn't leave the house tonight. And then I was a nigga won't. And all of some, the boots are right there, defrosting.

That's how smart I fucking am. You know what I'm saying? Hit me with some musically. What the fuck, Cogsucker? Diagostino in the house. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

I can't even tell you to get up. You're probably up already. Your shoes are shine. Your fucking listerine, your mouth. Got some pubic hairs in that motherfucker. Drop it, brother. You know what I'm saying? We know a chick that got a cavity and homola from sperm.

She got a big white hole and shit. So if you know, who? Oh, shit, Lee. Lee, let's spark this motherfucker. Out of respect. I got two of them here. And I got a Gibo. What do you want to do?

I'll take the gym. You don't want to do a half a Cheebo, your uncle Joey. Not right before a job interview that I've dropped to Santa Monica before. What happened to the music? We're smoking here. Come on,

over, we're young, come on. You still got a wiggle. Do the crab walk over here, too, a pit walk. What's a crab walk? You know, like a PIP. You don't know how to walk like your PIP. I think you were a Pipp in Boston.

Go, let's see. Let me get the Pets walk, though. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Late night, whatever, it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Look at the mirror. Look at those nose hairs. You got cut those

motherfuckers out. You're trying to make friends, Cocksucker. Trim your eyebrows. I got three white ones that scare the fuck out of people. But I'm trying. It's Wednesday, you motherfuckers. What happened? What happened? He just dropped down? What happened? Let me turn the lights on.

Where are you going? We still got to burn this. I just smoked some. We got two different numbers here. I got to give me two different powers. I'm gonna open up this Cheebo when you lick my fingers anyway Every podcast Something sexual

What sexual? Last time you told me If you had to you would fuck me Or whatever You don't understand You don't understand how I said it I said it like as a man Going into a bar when you're drunk

If you went into a bar when you're drunk I'm the type of guy Fuck you mean like I'm a horn dog And I wouldn't fuck someone Like I meant that like that Like I'd fuck anything And he just knew it You happen to be sitting right there

I don't think that's how he said it Let me tell you something, cocksuffering. I listen to that podcast. If I wanted to butt bang you, I would have gave you a sleeping pill a long time ago. Tie-job. I put a little bat suit on you. It would have been easy. You would have given me a sleeping pill?

I would have gave you a couple. You know, you're a big boy. I got to give you a couple sleeping pills and head of them. I would dress you up and make you shit yourself. What? Oh, my God. This reef is on fire today. Yeah, that's a good one.

Is that church? I like that one. This is a bunch of different ones. I got a bunch of different fucking nemesis. I got people who are at war here. I got weeds. I got put together. They're at war, these two weeds.

They put them together. You just mix two things together? Two fucking things that have been at war since the 16th century. Very obscure podcast today, but I'm digging it. This is what it's all about. You know what I'm saying? I can't keep giving you the same bored of them every fucking week. DiAgostino.

Talk to these cocksuppers. So me and DiAgostino, I contacted him with all his special talk came up. I contacted them because there's certain people like Josh Wolf. When I ran with Josh Wolf every day, Josh Wolf would call me at 2 in the morning with a fucking suggestion. And there's some people who try to do it, but there's some people who your voice gets to, and that's what happened to him.

He's my brother. He's like a younger brother. What am I going to do? And I'm very lucky to have him. So I said that I would love to have him on board to help me put the pieces together instead of giving you joy. I want to give people something good. There's nothing in there, but ice cubes.

I'm like a third grader this shit at fucking camp. I got nothing but little crustace of here. So, yeah, so what is it like? Because people always ask me what it's like working with Joe, and I'm, I do the video. I don't do anything of the comedy stuff, but like, when a bigger comic

asked you as a younger comic to, like, help him, right, like, what do you think? Um, I mean, it's a very, it's a really cool thing. I mean, I don't know if Joey, like, gets, like, how, because I've listened to him and talk about how he's just like, ah, it's just me, I don't give a shit.

You know what I'm saying? But to us, like younger comics, we're like, holy shit, it's Joey Diaz. You know what I mean? And also,

I don't really want to tell too many people that I'm helping him to. You know what I mean? Like, it's like one of those things you want to tell everybody, but I shouldn't tell everybody. You know what I mean? It's really weird, man. You have,

you come up and you got these people that have this ego and you hear that they do this and this and this. And let me tell you, the most important thing in life is knowing that if you want to get better, you could always reach out for help. and I like your act I like how you approach it he's very smooth

he's very back door like you're like looking at them when Sacramento I go these people love it Diagostino he's going in the back door he's going right for the asshole and he comes up the front and he one legs him

and he takes him down and he takes him down the pussy's right in his mouth you don't even have to nothing like some people have to wrestle for it and get in position fuck no he landed right on top of the pussy she's got nowhere to go

and at the end he tells him to look him up on Twitter in a smooth way It was just brilliant. So when I look at a comic and I see that, and I could always use help, if I called, let's say I called Mark Marion or somebody who, Bill Burr, who I look up to, you know,

they wouldn't have the time or whatever, but we forget about that sometimes. Five years from now, he might get an HBO special and come to me and go, Joey, I got 10 grand for you. Yeah. Help me. And that's how you do a special. Because you write about what you perceive

and then you have somebody else's opinion. when fucking Chris Rock was doing those great specials 10 years ago. Chris Rock is brilliant. It was Nick DePaulo, Louis C.K. And fucking Richard Jenny. I was just going to ask you, like, as... That's a genius move. You know how many comics take respect from other people?

Yeah. You know how many people... First off, you know how hard it is to find somebody's voice? And you found it with me. Like, sometimes I'm talking to you. You know what's on a CD, what's not on a CD. He reminds me about a tag. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying half the time.

The last two years is when I started coming home and writing that shit down. But for 10 years, for 20 years, I didn't do shit, guys. I didn't do shit. I want to give people the best that I could give them. You know what I'm saying? That's all you want, this business at any level. That's all you want. If I put out a special, I want it to be a fucking special league.

Yeah. You know, you wanted to be any fucking Murphy delirious. You wanted to be Andrew Dice Clay, the Dice Man coming. That's what you aspire for. That's what motivated you into this. The first time you saw those specials, whatever was. George Carlin at Carnegie Hall, or whatever.

Richard Pry alive on the Sunset Strip. It was the whole patois of the special. You think about the specials you guys like. Not the fucking thing on stage. It's the whole thing. You stay and read the credits. Yeah. You know what I'm saying, guys.

Yeah, now is it weird for you having someone help you write? Is that something you wouldn't have done earlier? I think my ego and I never met anybody who could do it. I know two people. 20 years that I trust. Wolf and... Yeah. I know two people I can look at the eye and go, I trust you, dog. Whatever you say, give it to me.

Let's do this. I want this. If you don't like this tag... Listen, I told you something a long time ago. I shouldn't say this, but I'm saying it on the air. I throw away more good jokes than most comics right. And anybody who knows me knows I'm not bullshit you. I throw away more fucking jokes than more comics right. sometimes I'm on the phone with American fucking airlines

and I'll drop a bomb on those bitches or even some bits I've heard him do a couple of times on stage and I don't hear him do it anymore and I'm just like how come you don't do that bit anymore we should work on that and recently we were just talking about it and he was like oh yeah I forgot about that you forget I got a thousand fucking things I'm not 20 no more the alpha brain the reefer

it helps to a degree but you're writing and you don't know I don't trust it I don't know how to do Well, I finally figured out how to tape my sets on the iPhone. Oh, good. You know, fucking I had the thing six months. I finally figured out it's two buttons. But I'm no fucking genius one. And I don't trust it.

Yeah. But they have the voice memo, the whole fucking thing. It's pretty brilliant shit. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like I could be a mimic, like with certain comics that I watch all the time. Like, in my head I can hear their voice all the time. Like, if I hear a joke, I'm like, that sounds like a bird joke. You know what I mean?

So before Joe even asked you to help him with the project, I would already, like, think of jokes and go, like, ah, that sounds like a Joey Diaz joke. Like I can hear it I can hear his voice in my head when I'm saying it. And even now, I'm trying to work something out. I think I think like maybe Joey can do this. I go up stage on an open mic and I try to talk it out before you know, I bring an idea to him.

And then I did it the other day and somebody came up to me and they're like, he's like, dude, what are you stealing jokes from Joey Diaz? Someone said that to me that they go, you sound like, you sound like fucking Joey Diaz on stage. You took his tone and everything. And I'm like, yeah, sure. You know what I mean? Like, I didn't want to say. That's what I wanted. I was doing an impression of him. basically.

Yeah. Does that hurt you? Because you're at the club every night as you work there. Like since you want to be a comic, is that hurt you, kind of?

No, because we're two completely different people. We may have similar writing, but I mean, I can't go on stage and be like, yeah,

I was in Jersey when I was a little kid. That ain't me. Well, not him, but I mean, like, all the comics you see. What do you mean? Like,

if you see, like if you saw Gabriel and Bobar and then Joey, and then he saw Tignitaro or I don't know who, whoever you see every night.

Well, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do practice stuff. I only do it at open mics and stuff like that. Okay. I'm not going to do it in front of those guys. Nor would I do something I'm working on for him, especially in front of those guys. You know what I mean?

Because you never know. And then, like, you always talk about people like, will ask you to like, oh, give this to Joe Rogan or whatever. Do people come to you? Because people always email me, have Joey give me a shout out. I want to have Joey on my podcast that eight people listen to. I want to have Joey in my, what is it called, my YouTube show. And most of the time I don't even tell you because I know you're going to look. What are you asking me this stuff?

They probably email me by that point, you know, or they're about to email me. I got a lot of stuff, and I try to be honest for people. Because what people haven't realized, like my brother's coming. George's coming. Oh, cool. Have you met George? No. Jersey.

George will be here Sunday. He's here for now for Comic Con. Oh, cool. You want to go to San Diego, wait. Just let me know. I'm going this weekend. I've never been. I'm going.

I didn't even know it was Comic-Con. I'm going for Cosby. I'm going to see Bill Cosby. I saw him in Cerritos. It's great. Man, I can't wait. And then I try to get a hotel. Lee, I try to get a hotel.

I'm like, why are all the hotel is $600? And they're all sold out everywhere. And then I was like, oh, shit, it's fucking Comic-Con. Yeah, they filmed it. They filmed it for Comedy Central. It's a great two hours. I told Joey, I was going. He said, eat an edible and listen to the album at home.

Why are you driving to Saratos for? Speaking of what you want to kill this mom? I'm a little piece. Let's do a weekend podcast and I can do it. Because I have to be in Santa Monica and telling them why I can edit things. So, Cosby's awesome, huh? Oh, yeah, it was awesome. I can't wait.

I think I'm going to go watch him. He's got some other shows he added. I'm going to go see him. He's going to be in Vegas twice. At one point, you know, I got to go respect the guy and see him. It's amazing to go see somebody that's been doing it. It's amazing when Lee told me. I goofed on him, but it was pretty brilliant on Lee.

And that's why I respect you guys. that's the other thing I have mad respectfully because Lee's not here going Joey why aren't you on TV Lee's telling me that he's got different flavors Leo Tommy when he likes a joke

Leo make a funny look when he doesn't like a joke I have good people I have good friends I'm very blessed to have that so when you have that you have to put trust in them because I never want to be that guy I've seen it happen

a million times that all of a sudden people are too fucking, no, no, no, no, no, you got to get to the dance. You got to the dance, you got you got you got you there. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And that's what got me is my friends. So you put that around you and all you can do is get funnier.

How many times when we had conversations outside? Me, you, and Jack Jr. Yeah. And we've been howling, howling. Me and Vinnie O'Shanna. Yeah. Me and Vinnie O'Shauna bumped into Vinnie. Thursday night on Long Beach.

Oh, you were there to Long Beach? Oh, God. fucking lost it. We lost it like three kids with no weed. Tell them the truth. We only smoked a little bit. We took one hit. Like an hour earlier. Was that the same? When the black girl went up to you and told you she was

wanted to take your homie? Yeah. We were sitting in a lot back. I'm telling you, Doug. A hot girl walked by and Vinny walked up to Joe and Joe and Vinny was like, she's hot, isn't she? And then Joey's like, I'm going to tell her. And Vinny says, that's the type of girl. I would eat her pussy as she was shitting.

And Joey was like, Vinny said that to him as like a confidential joke between comics and Joey's eyes let up. He's like, I'm going to say that and she walks by again. I'm going to tell her that you said that. So she walks by and he goes, hey, and she's like, she doesn't respond on the way back. He pulls her and he's like, that guy over there. He told me he'd eat your pussy as you're shing.

And she's like, and like I was like, it was like it slowed down. I was like, is she going to slap him? What's going to happen? And he somehow picked the one girl in the club who was. like honor. She's like, thank you. That sounds like. And then I threw a tag. I go, with a yeast infection. And Vinnie and Shana lost it.

Oh, Vindy kills pussy anyways. All three of us lost it with laughter just because the girl was on a date. I knew she was on the date. It didn't matter. When she walked past her, she was very beautiful and she had glasses on. But some women wear glasses because they want to look intelligent. This bitch wore glasses because she was a far-eyed bitch. You know, she worked at a dildo store. Yeah, she always owned a sex toy. This is perfect. So when she walked past this, she said hello to us.

With a big smile, very nice. You could tell she was, there's some women you can talk to, and there's some women you can't. On the way back, I knew that she went to the bathroom and said, these guys said, hello, they got to be cool. And on the way back, when she made that turn, she was smiling from ear to ear. She was like, these guys are all right.

That's when I said, come here for a second. This guy over here says he would eat your pussy while you're taking this shit. She just lost, and why she would get done. He used to infection. count it a three. And she's like, he's like, he counted his three. You're like, count the three. Timing is everything. She's like, ah, what are you? Defection.

Bam! Broca. It was like a punch that was headed to your head and went right to your fucking stomach. She fucking keeled over. She left. Vinny was, we were dying. That's great. We were dying. And that's, you know, people, it's a shame that they have this new thing. What is this sexual harassment? Yeah. You can't tell a woman, she's hot no more. Yeah. You can't go up to a woman.

Listen, on Joseph's side, you're married. I respect that. I'm not saying nothing out of the ordinary thing. But maybe somebody forgot to tell you, you're fucking banging today. You look at a woman sometimes and tell her that. She might look like she ain't interested, but why was she in front of the mirror for 20 minutes before she left the house before? Not because she wouldn't want to go on and scare little fucking kids. Because she wanted to say, I'm fucking banging, dog.

My mother told me that when I was fucking five. My mother would tell me, go up to that woman right there telling she's fucking banging. And I would have to go up, tug their dress, and say, uh, my mother, I don't know what I'm going to tell her. The woman would look at me and go, what the fuck did you say? And she would give me a kiss and a hug, and she'd go, that's a good fucking thing. And she would wake at my mom. Fucking good job.

Good fucking job. This little kid just made my day at the supermarket. Sometimes we forget his husbands and boyfriend to tell him, hey man, you look fucking beautiful today. Yeah. And you know what? Instead of getting cereal that day, you might get eggs. You might stop me get eggs in a fucking piece of bacon. I tell my wife every day she looks beautiful.

I'm making a fucking habit. If I see a woman who's trying, walking, I'm dropping on them. What's the worst thing? One woman in the last six months, the fat chick in San Jose. Oh, yeah, she got... We were outside with Eddie Bravo, some little chick that thought she was banging. Oh, today, well, we got to stop this podcast. Today, I had to go to the doctor.

I was telling you, I was so fucking happy. I got off the fucking 1-0-1, head out and I had to eat some. But it was 20 to... It was 20 to 11. Nothing's open. I'm on that cusp. Yeah. But I tell you what's open every day, that one strip in Lancash,

is already banging at 9th of the morning. The Chinese place? Uh-huh. What's the name? The Dragon Street? No. No, the other one. Right next to the wings.

Oh, Panda? Pandas open at 9 for breakfast. The Greek place? Yeah, if you're in the bind. And they got shit out. They got the Mooshu, they got the... And I walked in there, and the chick was too stupid for me. The waitress was talking to some kid.

The kid didn't know. Big, medium. Fuck this. I wanted Panera anyway. I was in the move for the sweet onion. bagel. Oh, that's when you went to Panera. I was in the move for the sweet onion bagel with the yogurt, with the fucking strawberries.

Tremendous at Paneras with the green tea there? Yeah. Oh, you're off the chain, but I went in there, bang, they had a shrimp salad sandwich. It was a special with the house salad. Uh-oh. I was starving. All I had for breakfast was fucking oatmeal and fruit, raspberries, and a kennelope. I said, fuck this shit.

And I banged out the shrimp salad sandwich with the salad. The best fucking 14, 15 bucks I spent in the last fucking six months. for breakfast. So Panera's throwing some heat. Go in there. Give us some love. That's how we roll with you at least. They have a good seizure salad. I don't like the sandwiches as much. Like the one I had like roast beef, it was, I don't know, the bread

was too much, but I love the salads. We went there for breakfast once. I would never think you'd want to spend $15 bucks on a sandwich. I think you'd be like... What is lunch nowadays? What's lunch? You know, the China deli is tremendous in Studio City. It's $7. What is it? You go to China Deli? No.

That's the best lunch. If I was poor, I'd be in there every day. They have the $5 with a soda. With a soda. A fin. You get the soup, the egg roll, which, you know, it's just a stick full of vegetable oil and a couple fucking ugly carrots and shit.

They give you like one ton. They give you white rice or fried rice, and they give you the entre. And it's heavy duty. I've been in there with a thousand people from Hari. It's one of Hari's favorite fucking places, China deli right off on Lancash. I'm going to have to try that.

Yeah, tremendous. See, you like the other place, but I think the other place is going under. They're going downhill. The last two times I've been in there, my stomach out, my, bro, I snort that shit out. I know what good fucking sushi looks like. The last two times I've been in there, the sushi's been a little old butts. It's been a little fucking fatty and shit. I've been in the end of the Albuquer starting to look too dark.

Yeah, it's starting to look dark. When fish looks dark. Yeah, yeah. They're getting that shit from a lake or something, telling you it's Albuquer. Something ain't right. I have friends who do the grocery store sushi. I can't stand it. It gets too cold.

Do you eat the grocery store sushi? Like 7-11 sushi. Listen to me. You go over the Rouse. You go over there about 10-20. You stand there next to that Japanese lady. You watch a cutter roll. You take that roll.

You already have the... Fuck that soy sauce package shit like a Puerto Rican. You get the bottle of the house, the low sodium. Yeah. How far is it from Rouse to your house? Five minutes. First of all, let's come to the agreement of one thing. I love sushi.

But I don't care if you go to Ming-Hol-Hing's palace of sushi and they're on a fucking lake. If you take, once you put that sushi in a to-go box, it's a different savage. So that's what people have. When I see people take them sushi, let's take it to go. For what? You're about to get sicker than fucking sick. You're about to taste that sushi has a longevity of 18 fucking minutes.

That's how long. I mean, let's be honest with each other. It's raw fish. It's raw fucking fish. It ain't cooked fish. I've had sushi. I've tried to take sushi home twice and I didn't do it one time. Ralphie Mae is the king of knocking on your door with a box of sushi.

Really? Yeah, with three, a shark, a fucking, with a leggin in his mouth. You know, and he's like, I just got this for you. I know you did. But when you buy it into it, you're suspect. You eat three pieces, and you know, the rice hardens up like a cast. The rice gets like a fucking cast, talking to which, I'm at Panera. And I'm sitting there looking at Lancashire.

There's a bus station across the street. Not only I can see these shit. God has put shit like this in my life since day one. And you know why? Because there's never anybody around for me to show it, And again, today, I didn't even go for the camera. I'm sitting there eating this fucking salad. I'm looking at the window.

You know when the light goes like that? People are allowed to walk across the street. Yeah, pretty flashes, yeah. You know what I'm talking about, where I'm at? Exactly right there on the corner. I'm looking across the street. Chandler. I'm looking across the street at the bus station.

Just looking, guys. Why? I have no idea. You know what you're just looking like a retard out the window? Let's agree on that. And I see a certain walk. You know that walk that a woman has, that only a woman has, is selling pussy? Yeah.

So it makes me look at the eye immediately. Not that I'm buying it, but I'm looking. You got to look. You got to look. You never know. Right, I look up. I look up. Yeah.

And she's got glasses. She's a black girl with glasses on. And what else does she have on? She's got glasses, and I can't see, I only see from the shoulders up. And she's not bad. And she's tall and she's sleek. and she's got you know those

yoga pants and the tight oh I love those pants I love leggings I love them fucking tight on her and you can tell she had nice black

fucking thighs and I looked under the knees and she had black skin and she had those little flip flops on with black skin you can see the toes

have been beat up like she doesn't have carpeting and shit you know what I'm saying that she don't put cream on her toes her toes got beat up with anyone

right But she's nice looking, you know, a good looking girl. I don't like hookers or whatever, but I'm looking at it. But then I look up as she gets closer, see the full picture, because I have got my glasses on. This bitch is working it. At 10 to 11 in the morning. Like, it's fucking 8 o'clock at night.

But here's what gets kinky. I ain't mad. She's got a cast on. Somebody broke her arm this week. She's got... This bitch has a cast on from her hand to her fucking elbow, and she's pushing her. motherfucker along like nothing she's like fuck the on this pussy is delicious you know

I'm saying then she's standing the corner with the hoof just hanging there with the arm right and she she's brilliant she hung the purse on there so every time this is I'm looking at this and I'm on the phone with someone I go listen before you keep going I got to tell you who you're on the phone with and what happens in my life friend she's a girl, great girl that's helping me out. Bobby's the name, Jackie's the name. I'm telling her, listen, Jackie, there's a hooker with a fucking cast.

Working it, like, nothing's dead. You think she was a hooker? I know she was a hooker. She's still in the corner for like 13 minutes working that fucking cast. And people were like looking at her, but once they saw the cast, they're like, no, no, this is getting deeper. This could be like a fucking prank. This could be something. A hooker

with a fucking cast? This doesn't, you know, when she gets in the car, what's the conversation? Now, all this is going through my head, She's standing 30 feet from me. And right there she crosses the street again to the other side. Now she, you know where she is now? Yeah. And she's sitting in that shaded area where the buses don't roll up there.

They roll up a little, but she's standing there because she's looking for a prospect. Then I just, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't. I wonder if it was her handjob hand. I couldn't let that go into the computer anymore. I have too much stuff in my head to even think. That's the life I leak, guys. What if she was hiding like a shotgun under there or something just in case?

No, how far? And it was a thick cast. So the guy fucked up her arm Well they threw out of the car I'm surprised you didn't invite her And listen I'll buy the half sandwich And the soup Let me find out what happened to your arm

Talk if you were there I would have definitely done it Because you would have taped it We would have the speakers in the car The whole fucking thing We would have taped it If I had been there He would have been like

Not even gotten up He'd be like through Paneri He'd like yo Until she heard like through the glass And then For 200 we fart on his face And hit him in the head with your cast I don't know what he would say

But oh my God That's crazy You're a fucking savage You know that Oh my God I don't understand you fucking people I don't understand you people no more So what else is going on?

So we're going to go on the road a couple of times Yeah We're going to take the look at the act And we'll hold it down And we'll get it prepared But I trust you I love you to death I love that we met yesterday And he had a lot of great stuff to say

Now you know we're a family dog We're just building a fucking family You can't do this at one point You're gonna have to You know of you guys read Fucking the same of the book Gravano book? No

You could be on your own For a little while But at some time You're gonna have to join the family He just drops it And speaking of family You fucking Working out with the honest stuff

Still going well You went to judici Like a night or two ago right? Listen dog I am fucking Knuck on dead I'm having a great time I feel better

I gotta tell you something I called her already today, the psychotherapist to thank her. I really believe that she hypnotized me. And I asked my doctor today when I go, that she hypnotized me? He goes, yeah, I think so.

It was amazing. And I didn't know she hypnotized me until I was leaving. After I gave her the money, I go, wait a second. I walked at the end, 11 o'clock. It's 12, fucking 30. We only said maybe 20 minutes of conversation. What happened to the other hour? I checked my mouth. You know what I'm saying? I checked

my dick to make sure that I didn't black out and stabbed it. This was just a fucking fantasy and they were about to take me down and all this stuff. And I left. Sunday I walked around and I pushed it a little bit. But I really worked on the tools, she told me.

I really worked on the island of Serenity. I really worked on them with the garbage can. If I get thoughts to put them right in the garbage can on my right hand side, just don't even process them. You know? And I went Monday and trained with my man Salami up at 10th Van Nuys and it was tremendous.

One time I had to get up and just composed my breathing. But now what's going on is I'm in shock because I'm not going into heat. Do you follow me? So you're expecting something that doesn't come. So now I'm in a complete different type of shock. Right. Like now I'm in fucking limbo because now I'm...

Last night I went to kickboxing and I got to tell you the whole fucking hour and a half. I came home this morning I went to Dulorni the shirt was still fucking drenched. didn't have a situation at all. My breathing was good. I'm focusing on it, you know. And that's the other thing.

You got to focus on your breathing when you're in there. A lot of times you do something and you don't breathe. That sets a guy back. That's 300 pounds. Yeah. That's 300 fucking pounds. That's why they said when you're real muscular, those UFCs, you don't do well because how much oxygen can you get to those fucking muscles in town.

Now the next level is me. I want to just rip down completely. Like, you know, but working out wise. You know, I don't want to trick. or nothing. I want to count my points. And I've been eating healthy lately. I've got to be honest with you guys. I'm going to eat a little healthy. Last week I went to the doctor, my blood pressure was fucking up there.

Oh, it was? But I went to see this lady. We talked about this, and I'm going to try to have a call to a podcast. I really think that this is really interesting. It's all the fears I had. And I knew it. Last year, I had surgery last February. Before that surgery, guys, I had like fucking three or four needles.

And nothing. I walked out of there like, you know, like, Captain SpongeBob Square Paints. Like I owned the fucking pineapple and the Crab Shack, right? I walked out out of it like nothing. Down at night, right? At night, that one time

when I came back from Miami and my legs rolled up, were you around for them? And they had to rush me to the hospital at night. And that lady said, I got to draw blood. Usually I'm a Ghana. That time I didn't faint. That was shocking. So I knew a fate was in the universe. I knew a fate

was somewhere in the fucking horizon and then I went to do a blood test again and I was good all these blood tests nothing happened but they thought I had that fucking cat thing they thought I had that thing and I went down there they were supposed to give me two needles they put one needle in my ass guys you should have seen me

took me 45 minutes just to leave the sweat didn't fucking stop for hours from every orifice in my body I had to lay off the needles for like fucking six weeks When your wife was pregnant You went like every week to get a needle I mean I was worried And you didn't tell me about it

We were talking one night You said I was gonna call you back And then you didn't call back And usually I just think you had an edible And you fell asleep But then you call me the next year Like sorry They took me to the hospital

I'm like why didn't you call me And tell me you're in the hospital Like I forgot about that You thought you had like a blood clot You got a fucking call from somebody They said them in the hospital They were okay

Then what the fuck you call me for Yeah Call me when you're out of the hospital tell me, did I tell you what happened last night, the Agoste? No what? I got stabbed in the neck and I had to go to the hospital. But they stits me up and I'm all right, you know what I'm saying? But if I call you from the hospital, when somebody calls you from the hospital,

oh my God, that's the first man, what happened? And then they go, no, no, no, no, nothing. I got hit by a car, but the bike saved me and I'm okay. I went home. I'll be at the ha-ha-ha-and-fucking two hours. Whatever. But they call you and tell you they're okay. That always makes me nervous.

Like, be sure. Want me to come down there? No, then what the fuck he called me for? It's 10-30. I'm trying to watch fucking the Yon Cup was just ended up over here hysterical hysterical

When you go get blood taken You don't get like squeamish from them taking blood? The last time I went down Yeah The last time I went down But I had been to that same office Three times

Any of them more comfortable? The first two times I was great The second time she stayed there a little longer And something just happened It just takes me But I've had this condition for a long fucking time since I was a kid.

Yeah, me too. I've thrown up, fainted in the doctor's offices. I don't want it no more. I'm through with it. The only way now in this, listen, guys, I'm going to be as nice as I can't we. I was telling my wife, I met the doctor's office twice a week minimum.

Jesus. You got to remember, I go to Bredici once a week, and I go to Dr. Amy once a week. I get cupped and she meets me. That's just the minimum. The last of a bit, I get a rash, the fucking fungi on the toenail, the ear infection, the eyes,

the fucking dentist. There's always something when you're 50. So right now all I'm doing is preventive medicine. I'm not doing no major. Knock on fucking wood. You know what I'm saying? I'm not doing dick. But you have to go to this shit.

I like the acupuncture. I leave the phone in the car, everything. I don't put coins in my pocket. I don't want to be radioactive. I go up there. I want the needles to hit the fucking meridians, and I'm fine. You know, and I hate even going out on Tuesdays,

but it's a great night to go to kickboxing. That's what I did last night. But I slept like a baby last night. I drink a bunch of water after that shit, some fruit and flush that motherfucker out. I took one of those acupuncture shit said one of it was like a cactus. I ripped up my little muffler.

I still got blood coming out. I just scratched my ass. Dog, you got a fucking coin in your toilet. I do? And he leaves pissing there, so nobody will steal the fucking toilet. I don't have a coin on my toilet, really? That fucks with Jews. When you put like a coin in the toilet and they go pee and they don't... A Jew will look at that

thing and hold that fucking pee. You probably did that just now. You probably go out and put it up in the put a nickel on there. And I'll stick that cold you here in that toilet, get that water out of there and shit. Lee, boom, boom, say out. No, Lee, to answer your question, let me tell you something. I spoke to my man Orlando Rios down it on it,

and I had them send me the pro-maximum pack that I spoke about and they were out of stock. That's how good that package is done. The 119, remember we discussed it with the two different packs of the day? Yeah. That's how good that fucking product is done because they throw, so he says, they're out of them temporarily for about two weeks, but he's going to send me all the other stuff that's in those.

Oh, okay. So I'm going to get those, but I told him to really double up on the fucking Schumetek. Yeah. That's really helping my breathing. It's not even the breathing, it's the endurance. It's where I'm at now and how I feel afterward. And then I pop a couple new moons. Dog, I'm 300 fucking pounds.

I'm rolling around with 20-year-old little fucking Filipinos who are faster than fuck. Those little Filipinos have been through the hell. down there. They got knives, sticks. I just have this image of like three little Filipinos jumping on your back and doing flips in the air or something. This one little Filipino. Listen, I got choked out last week almost by a 16 year old

with a fucked up haircut. A 16 year old with a fucked up haircut almost choked your uncle Joe yeah. That's a true fucking story. Are you more pissed about 16 or the haircut? Both. No, no. It's such a weird thing that

I go. I was telling my wife a couple weeks ago, we were talking about this week we were at the farmer's market. She goes, you really like going there at night? Like, when I get back, my wife looks at me and goes, what the fuck? Your hair's fucked up. Your shirt's drenched. You know, you smell funny.

You know? And she goes, you really enjoy this. And I go, what are my options, though? I think that, you know, and Diagostino, your father grew up, right? He says, how old is your dad now? He's 55. And what does he do? He still teaches camp or something? No, he doesn't teach it, but I mean, he's always been a big fan of all martial arts and stuff, but he used to take Hokkido

and he used to teach it a little bit, like, you know, the kids' basic stuff and Jiu-Jitsu. He's got all these, like, jujitsu t-shirts. I told you, my dad's got all these jutsu T-shirts when he was a lot thinner and he's a lot bigger now, so he gives him to me, and I go around wearing it and people come out to me all the time. You do Jiu-Jitsu, man, that's so cool, you know?

Does your dad still go to J-Jitsu? No. How about? I don't know. I mean, He hasn't done it in a couple of years. I don't know why he doesn't do it. Ask him, man. He wants to eat all 50-year-old guy. Yeah, I've told them before, and I was thinking about going to the kickboxing class with you. I'm out of shape and say, come on down and roll.

We'll go right there to Van Nuys. We'll go to Tech Planet Van Nuys. They got an open mat there. It's very nice. Yeah. I'm really fucking impressed with that. I'm really liking what I'm doing. I got the V-MAC shirt right now.

That's where I go. The Valley, yeah. That's where I go. And that's a great fucking DJ two programs. What I like about, it's a white belt school. There's only a couple blue belts, maybe one or two purple belts. Everybody else is a white belt. So you're rolling around.

with guys, I'm not getting killed. It's making me learn the basics the right fucking way. And guys, that's what I wanted. I'm so happy. I don't want to go to contest or competitions. I just want to do something. I want to be active so that blood. I want my ankles to stay skinny.

You know, I really work on my ankles staying skinny. I don't want to get fucked up. You follow me. I don't want to get clogged up. So it means a lot to me. You know, it really does. Because my parents are dead. And I guarantee if you can communicate with my mom

and say, what would you do different? Would you be doing jumping jacks? right now. She's there every fucking morning. I think so. Fuck yeah, man. You got to take care of yourself in so many different levels. And yeah, I got some fucking weight on me, but you know what? I drink a lot of water again. We go through those

fucking gallons. We got those things at the house now where they deliver the water the last two years. You know, that's made a big difference at the house. You drink a lot of water. How do you least? Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I've cut down. I told someone at work. I still drink like three of the sodas, diet sodas a day. I don't drink regular soda.

But at comedy clubs or anywhere when I work, they give it to you for free. So I used to drink six or seven a night. So I've been cutting down. I cut soda out completely. Yeah, it helps. Yeah. You guys are young.

You're picking up good fucking habits because that's... At 25, I was always a good eater. Like at 25, I still need food, but I ate tons of it. Because at 18, I was working out. At 25, you stop a little bit. You can start working. You get a girlfriend, a wife. I was doing a little time

shit happens you're in county for a few weeks so after a while you're like fuck it I'll just run off the fuse you know when you're 18 and you're in shape and you see a guy by age and he says to your dog this is going to be me

you in 24 years like fuck you man I'll always be skinny wait wait you know unless you're doing something for help it fucking gets hard because what it took calorie wise and wise to burn that fat

now it's double at that age your metabolism you gotta pick your fucking metabolism I'm up. It's not like when you were a kid, you ran around all fucking day. When I was a kid, I could do three karate classes. You know, throwing punches, running to the park. Now I do one. I'm done for the day. That's not even I'm done. I go home and I ride after that and take a shower and, you know, make

call. Sometimes I go out and do a set. But it's just amazing that I'm still going at 50. When I was doing it, a young man, you would have asked me if I would have been still doing this shit at 50? I would have told you know, and tonight I'm going to go to Jit Jit. Tomorrow I'm going to fucking plane to Philadelphia. your bitches. Oh, shit.

Helium comedy club, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Do you have a favorite cheese steak place? Do you, uh... I can go everywhere? I've never been to either or or I have it in 20 years. You know what I'm saying? Like, every time I go down there,

I don't know where I ate 20, 30 years ago. I forgot. They're all good. And when I go there now, and that's, I was talking to Don Marrera this morning. He was saying the same thing. It was just going anywhere. They're all fucking good.

No, this is a big thing. Cheese Whiz or the Prevalone? I got to try the cheese whiz. I've never tried it. freaks me out. I like the problem cheese. You know, cheese whiz scares me like on a cracker. It looks like what comes out of my face when I pop a pimple.

You know, that's what I like about and don't like about it. I've always had an obsession with popping pimples. I never had a Philly with cheese whizzle. I've ever seen that. It's a big question. I've been to Philly a couple times. Joey, like, not lived in Philly, but you were always there.

It's like, it's like the nach cheese sauce. It's like a... Like somebody hit me up before on Twitter. And they're like, hey, where's the best place then. Sometimes I would know a place but I don't go to Denver frequently that much to recommend the place. When I go to Denver, I go to a place down the corner from the hotel with the UFC and they're always

there and I got a bowl of green chili and you know I don't even know the name of the fucking place. Yeah. But I heard it's really good and I go to I just don't know the name of it so I'm sorry. I live in L.A. And I don't even know what the fuck's going on in L.A. And he won't trust Yelp. So let me talk to you about something here. So you got something going on

on Nouveau-O-TV-V-V-V-V-E. On Nouveau-TVee. Now Nouveau-T-Vee's making a move. The big thing they're doing is they bought an Angela Johnson special. Yeah, they did. I heard you about that. And they're going for it. So this is, this is, you know, this is the way I remember 1995 watching House of Buggin. You guys weren't even born. It was a sketch show with John Leguizamo on Fox.

It was the beginnings of Fox. On Sunday nights, they had The Simpsons and the show, the Lust and Marriage. But somewhere in there, like 6th area, they had a Spanish in Living Color called How. House of Buggin. There's six episodes on YouTube. And out of the six episodes, they had two great fucking sketches, Vogueing for Congress.

Okay. With Leggizamo. Put it on. Vogueing for Congress? Put it on House of Buggin. John Leggizamo. And it was six episodes. Everybody laughed at that show.

But that's what Bill Fox. It was those, you know what I'm saying? So Fox was nothing then. In 1990, fucking five, this is what I'm talking about. Fox was nothing. Fox was, anybody who put on Fox,

was on Sunday nights. From America's Most Wanted. Do you want uptown voking troop? Yeah. Hysterical. Hysterical. This is, you know. Exactly how much of the grant is this photographer of a question from the government, Ms. Rodriguez?

A thousand dollars, Senator. And we at the N.E.A. feel that's reasonable. Well, this is a darn pretty picture of a flower, I must admit. That's a... Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no, no. You expect a U.S. government to squander tax dollars on that sort of film? Senator Trisket, I wouldn't exactly be squander.

I mean, this is art. Enough. Who's the next pre-vote on your list who wants us to fund this pornography? Well, let's see. We have a modern dance troupe, Senator. That sounds a little more like it. Will they call themselves? The Uptown Vogue Troop from Queens.

Jesus. In the beginning. The house was boys and without stuff. And God says, All right, that's good. You know, a lot of people don't know this, but Puerto Ricans and Cubans call fags La Loka. Oh, really?

Like, if you see a fag walking by, you're like, Loka, and they'll look at you go, fuck you! Oh, really? And that's what you were saying, La Loka, la Lolaoka. It's fucking hilarious. Those Puerto Rican,

can see a Puerto Rican fag and they call a loka. Oh no. And it's hysterical they lose their money. I mean, a lot of loka and shit. Who you call loca, motherfucker? They'll fucking kill you over there, but in some circles it's very avant-garde

they like it and it turns a monthly. So if you bump into a Puerto Rican fag, what is that ever going to happen? You never know. You never know. You might be editing a show and a fag bust into the back door and roams her chest on your fucking neck. And the next You know, you're in bed, listen to Liberace music.

Oh, I love it. The church of what's happening. I'll let me go out to motherfucking. So wait a second. We were talking about fucking audit before. I'm doing the whole audit lifestyle. I'm telling you what I'm trying. The weight don't fucking matter.

The song remains the same. It's how I'm taking care of myself. I'm getting out there. I'm sweating. The shirts are sweaty all the way down to the fucking shorts. The other day I asked fucking salami jiu-jitsu. Why are my fucking jiu-jitsu pants wet? Like, that's fucking tremendous when you're sweating that much.

That's got to be good for you at some levels, correct? I guess so. Can't hurt. I said, my underwear's turned yellow. That might be a problem. From the sweat from the ball sack, it gets like a coffee sack. It's like when you run a coffee roof. That's what it looks like.

After one hour? After one hour? Oh, yeah. Right by my fucking gagoots. Fucking sweating is good for you, I guess. Yeah. Does your wife clean your underwear? I wash my underwear.

Let my wife come close to that shit. It might ruin it. Hey, when are you going to get the fucking pool, Cucksuck, and work on the physician. I have to start doing it. And you told me like that this other week.

I work a lot, and I'll die. But I'm the laziest person. But the pool, you don't have to get in your car. That's how much I love you. I have to get out of the house. That's how fucking bad it is.

I'm asking you to get on the elevator. In fact, you know what I'm going to go do when I leave here? I'm going to get you like a bat pole. Like, well, you know, I'm gonna buy you the fucking pole. I just throw a pole into the... No, no, no, like bat, and you just zoom down.

It's gonna slide down to the pool. And then it has the remote control pump on the bottom. And you shoot right back up to the fucking third floor like a doctor. Nobody knows you went to the pool. Except for the huge friggin bat pole going through the three flights of stairs now. I get lazy moments too, Lee. But I mean, you know what helps sometimes? Like when you feel like, I don't feel like going.

I can talk myself out of the gym or go and swimming like every day. I can talk myself out of it. Yeah. But what helps is like if you go with somebody, if you go with like a friend or something. That would be nice. Yeah, we're going to go work out together. You're like, yeah, okay, let's go.

Then you can't say no. You know what I mean? You can't give yourself excuses. And also it makes it more funny. You're like, yeah, we should go again. Like I go with Steve Simone walking Fryman. You should go, Lee. You should go walk in Fryman.

Have you walked it before? No. Should go walk Freiman. It's, you know, I have a bad knee too. Like Joey, like I had injured it when I was younger. And then now that I put so much weight on, I, you know, I can't walk the friend anymore. But I lost a couple pounds.

I've been walking it. And I go with a buddy and we talk. All of a sudden I completed it. And I'm like, I didn't do this last time I was by myself. But now, it's because I was talking to somebody, that somebody was there, your mind's off it. Yeah. You just go.

I don't like that shit. That's one thing I don't like. What? Walking up a fucking hill. You don't like it? No. Outside around here. But you walk every day with your dog?

In the neighborhood. Yeah. Why do I got to go up and walk a fucking cliff? Oh, you walk up. Oh, you're hiking. It's a hike. Yeah, you got to hike. And then you've got to get the stick and the socks and the,

have friends that have the hiking outfit I hate you with that fucking stick well that's why I don't like Runyon but like Freeman's bolder yeah it's very it's like I did run you like the view's good I'll tell you what when I first moved here and I forget how embarrassed I was I used to go to Runyon with this fucking chick the one I found the little fall in her ass the stripper girl I used to walk run you with it we used to have a dog and we used to walk up that hill and right when you walked in right there when you walked in now they do yoga correct I haven't been right if you go there now they do yoga

the side. Herbie's outside drinking water and shaking their head like, oh my God. Because it's those type of people that would do yoga there. You want to be seen doing yoga. So, but there used to be the six girls that would sit on a park bench with their workout pants on, with

still the mascara running down from the day before, with audition signs. That's when you went out every day. When I first moved here in the 90s, if you had theatrical age, you went out every fucking day. And I would always see these girls, these six, five girls, and the bottom of the hill and I would sit there with the dog

and listen to him and it was fucking amazing you know where I fucked up I fucked up not going into the service and I fucked up not taping these six idiots conversations remember I got here with Leonardo the Caprio released Titanic

which meant that he was getting his dick sucked eight times a day we used to see him outside the building where we lived he used to cop there and somebody told me when they, you went up in the morning you see Leonina Capri in front of the building? This is no shit.

Right after Titanic? Right after Titanic, Leonardo Caprio owned this fucking town. He was slinging dick every fucking night out. I remember I would go up there with the dog and listened, and they would talk about how they would talk. They would call Leonont de Caprio Leo. They were at Leo's last night. Oh, my God. He wore this shirt and we partied and they would just sit there.

And it was ridiculous And they were talking about acting class And how they went to Jack's house three weeks ago And Markey Warburg Oh my God, he's doing a dinner party And we're dying to go And meanwhile people would walk and stop there And listen to these six fucking

You know, morons Whatever the fuck they were It was embarrassing I always always think about Where these fucking six bimboes are today Like where the fuck they're at today They're still there Like those people that, you know

I'm not putting anybody down But if you need to do something like that and go outside at some place how many people walk around how many people like that even they talk about running canyon and fucking under rush like that's how trendy that fucking place is too trendy that's where you walk to be seen

so if you're gonna go up there and fucking do yoga you're killing me yeah I hope a snake fucking bite you when you're a downward fucking dog right in the back of the fucking anyway don't get me that's like people that go to the gym and do push-ups you know what I mean it's like they're just doing it just to get attention yeah

look at the agista don't drop a knob because it bothers me because I'm trying to get on the machine and they're like blocking the machine so I can't get on it to do push-ups. And I'm like, you could do that at fucking home. Yeah. Like a year ago or yeah, six, seven months ago, I was going to go to Joey's trainer at the YMCA

because like you were saying if you had a friend doing it, but I feel like if I had an appointment with the trainer and they charge you if you miss it. Like I wouldn't miss it. But she never ended up getting back to me. But that is something I have to. That's like the one thing that like I would have, I've lost 66 pounds on the juice.

I would have lost 90 if I'd been working out. It's just something I'm bad at. But while we have a quick second, have you ever been on Hulu Plus? Yes, I actually have it. Oh, shit. Yeah, I mean, I love it. I still listen.

I mean, we were talking the other day about how Joey's wife, my girlfriend, does your wife watch it? You know what we like to watch on there? What? I like to watch, I don't know fag, but I like to watch the cooking channel. They have all the shows.

all the shows from the cooking channel on there. I like to cook, too, but the best show ever is Chopped. Have you ever seen Chopped? Oh, yeah, yeah. All the episodes. Every time there's a new one that uploaded on Hulu. That's all on Hulu. That's on Hulu. Every episode. Every fucking time I talk to somebody's on fucking Hulu. Get on Hulu. Go to joey-dia's.

Cut the shit. Click on the box where they press. Joey. Ben, two free weeks. If you like it, you get it for $7.99 a month. That's nothing. That's $8.00. That's two fucking lattes, and you can talk to your buddies. Ha-ha-ha. And do all that. We don't drink

motherfucking Starbucks here or go to subway no more Or anti-communism When I first got Hulu I thought it was going to be like Netflix Like oh they only have these seasons And if I want to wait till the next season I gotta wait a couple months But no like every time there's a new episode It's like having cable

Every week there's a new episode And you can go back and watch the old ones too So I do that with Chopt We watch it in bed together before we fall asleep And Chopt is like It's like a contest of these guys that cook And they put like three mystery Things in the backs

In a box They open the box and it's like Pairs fucking sushi you know what I mean like these three items they gotta make like a whole meal out of it

and then like the judges taste it I know what you're talking about you know what I'm talking about right yeah yeah it's not bad that's a pretty innovative it's entertaining show I like all that shit I'm a little bit high right now

I have to watch it you know it's amazing how I've gotten a lot of emails people thanking me about Hulu I've had like two or three haters on Hulu but I've had like 70 or 80 people that thank me and said

you know what it's a good service and yeah they take your credit card or whatever but nothing's free Get your shit together. Go to Hulu, go to Huluplus.com, or go to Joey Diaz.com, bang it out, Joey, get two free weeks, $7.99 a month.

Who the fuck's better than you? No one. You know what I'm saying? So you go to the gym, you eat some fucking on it products. You go home, eat one of these hemp-force protein bars, and you whack off. You're fucking... Gisilda juice will be fucking purple.

You'll be ready to rock and roll with the big boys. Oh, shit. So you're going to Philly, and then you're at the Ice House. Yeah, but the Ice House is another son of Philly from Da Barera. Oh, shit. And then we're together at the ice house on July 30th with special guests for the live motherfucking podcast, $10 in Pasadena

on a Wednesday night. Mad Flavin, the fucking Jew. If the show is good, they're taking them to a strip club this time and some chicks are stuck on his face. I will not be involved. I don't want to be involved in molesting Lee. I'm saving Lee for the big day with the girl farts in his face

and Lee falls on his back like somebody judo threw him. It's before we go. We've got out of here, correct? I have a while. You got time? I got time. You guys are really. young. And you guys take

the, and it's funny, hysterical when I watch documentaries on TV about how Bruce Lee changed the world and they show these kids talking about, oh yeah, his films are dynamic. Well, if that's why you think about Bruce Lee or whatever, or you read, like half these people

that talk have only read three pages of his fucking books or whatever. And it breaks my mind. I just sit there and giggle that they ask the wrong people. And I'm going to give you the backstory to it so you fucking know. I never had a father. I had a stepfather.

You know, I never had a father. But all those years I didn't have a stepfather, the green hornet was huge. I remember watching combat and the green hornet on Sunday nights and not knowing any English. That was big to me, but to see this Chinese guy doing fucking backflips, are you fucking kidding me?

Do you have any idea? You know, when I first watched Batman, like that was great. I remember putting a fucking towel on your neck while Batman was on. you ever do that? And you get like your mom's fucking I thing and put B on your cape and shit. But then

Batman fought the Green Hornet and I lived in hell that was the first time I had ever been contradicted in my life because I was a Bruce Lee and I'm a fucking Batman fan and now I'm cheering for Bruce Lee and have you ever watched the episode?

No. Green Hornet, Batman, click it. They don't fuck around. I'm trying to give you motherfuckers knowledge. I'm trying to give the youth. I didn't know Bruce Lee played Cato. I didn't know that.

what I'm talking about. This is why I do. That fucking Jabot. That guy. Sorry about that. It's the afternoon fucking jizz from breathing. Pollutioned my fucking ugatia. Hold on. Oh my God. These are fucking... Let's see.

Play Bruce Lee against Batman. I don't want to get careless and hurt Batman if we clash. You always have your gas guns. Right. See what you? There is. And we are both quite

flexible. But there wasn't enough God, TV shows you should be so, like, the sets and the costumes. This is crazy. What's the fight? We've never run away from... Bruce Lee fucks up fucking Robin. This is 1960-something, correct? Something like that, yeah.

I'm three, four, five years old. Losing my fucking mind in the living room, punching shit, kicking my mother's French poodle. Just fucking go berserk. Batman just threw Robin on the guy. And look at Bruce, with a little butler hat on, he didn't give a fuck. But that just goes to show you what Chinese people were in 1966. They were either butlers, they had a fucking restaurant, or they were a chauffeur. That was bullshit.

Look at Bruce, a 1960 silhouette. Bam, look at this. Bam, look at sidekicks and shit. This is all on YouTube. This is real. Now, you're fine. You're jumping up and down. You're about to kill your baby soon.

Look at him. He just fucked them up. Now, they stopped. Roundhouse. Kato don't do dick. Kano don't do dick. A photo finish. And that's the fuck with you, they made it a two weaker. You had to wait to the following week.

Let's go. See? Oh, shit. Let it play. In the classic tradition of the fish out of water. Oh, shit. Oh, I'm fucking dropping it on you, motherfucker. So do you understand me?

Then they canceled it. So this country was. left with this gap. They didn't go and finish the fight? No, they finished it. They brought it back the next week, but then they canceled the Green Order. So I don't know what year. Let's pretend it's 69. So there's this fucking gap in this country.

Now, in this country, when I moved here, listen, let's be honest. I don't even fucking remember sushi. I don't eat Japanese food time. I was like 10. But there was an abundance of fucking Chinese food. My mother was a big Chinese food guy. In fact, she stabbed the waiter at the Chinese place on 87th Street and brought away with a fork with a fork. time. This is all true shit. My mother was

always in this place. Wantan soup, pork fried rice, egg rolls, lobster continentales. My mother love lobster Contalese. Whenever I go to a Chinese restaurant they have lobster confidels in the menu, I get emotional dog. Because that was my mother's shit. My mother and Jews eat lobster countenis. That's the shit

with the fucking whatever in it, the Ugat's juice, the fucking stripping lobster sauce juice. That's brilliant. Brilliant. So now I left this country with this fucking gap. And then the first movie to come out was a movie called The Big Boss.

That's what it was released at in China. But here it came out as Fist of Fury. And in that movie, his cousin's missing. And he goes to get him and they kill the cousin. Now he has to kill the whole fucking office. And at the end, he kills the man. And it's a great movie. It really is a great movie.

It took you. And that was the beginning of it. The real first martial arts movie that came out was five, fingers of debt. That's on showtime. His hands would turn red. They're practicing the iron palm technique. I saw it on the Route 3 driving right off Seacawks' motherfucking New Jersey, right there. I don't even think of Seacore. I'm telling you guys, I'm dropping it on you. But in the fourth grade, I'm watching Happy Days.

Okay? Okay. Yeah. And then the first, come on, like the third commercial, you know, when you're fucking around with people? You hear like he's back. Put on the trailer for the Chinese connection. Okay, so you're just a regular white kid You're in Catholic school

You know, you got put in Catholic school Obviously, because you've got some type of issues That they can't figure out Maybe you're retarded Maybe you got ADD, maybe you're hyper with me I didn't have a dad at this time Then my mom remarried So now I'm acting out

The trailer for Chinese connection Yeah, I'm trying to find I'm trying to find one I thought you didn't know I thought you didn't know I thought it was telling you something buddy I'm sorry You know I love you

By the way the original Batmobile the one that Adam Westrow. You know, it's like in NoHo, right? I drive by it all the time. Come on. It's this, I forget, I'll find out the street for you, but it's right around the corner from Ha-ha, and there's this big glass window in the storefront,

and that car is in there. Oh, shit. You can just walk by and look up the window and see it, they keep it in the front. Let's see this one. Does it say trailer? Yeah. Let's push it over a little bit.

See this shit? You see this shit? So, think of watching American TV, and also this is the first commercial. But they're supposed to say, Shays, he's back. Okay, I think this one's just. They have, like, the Chinese letters with the English letters. Let's see if I can find a different one.

You're slipping, though. Let's see here. What I'm fucking about? You know what I'm saying? I love this motherfucker. But from time to time, you give him some marijuana, and off goes the fucking then he built. Oh.

Let's see if this one hasn't. There you go. The immortal Bruce Lee. There you go. In two block-fusting martial arts classics, the Chinese connection. This is a theory. Well, think of watching Modern Family today,

and all of a sudden this comes, flying Chinese people on the fucking sky. And you're losing your goddamn mind. You're sitting there, your head's about to blow, but it's Tuesday, and you've got to wait until Thursday for this movie to come on. And in those days you didn't stand online. They would kill you.

The movie theater would go, get the fuck home. You got to sit home and drive your mother crazy. You would just sit there and stare at the fucking clock to the bruce. And I'm going to forget my stepfather picking me up Thursday night at the thing and going to go, what do you want to do? We're going to go right to the drive and movie. It didn't come out until Friday at one in those days.

And us going Friday night. And the Chinese connection is one scene where he goes back to the karate school and he calls out the whole school. And he does a fight scene. But he steps back and he puts two hands up and two guys get knocked out. When you see that, your mind the fucking blows up.

And after it came to the drive Like once I caught the movie and then you went back to school and you talk shit. Yeah. And then once it came to the Union City cinema, that was a walking distance from my mother's bar. That's where I go with all my gumbas.

And my mother let me stay out late, so we go to the late movie. And we catch a Bruce Lee, we were the best thing on the way home that was Pondon Corvo's deli. And they would put all the fruit boxes out. Boxes, tons of boxes. So we would all release our tensions

by beating up the fucking boxes. Two hours of breakfasts of, Bruce Lee Smacking, fucking Chinese people. It was brilliant. But, you know, when you watch that, you see it. Then he released Way of the drag in and then. But let me tell you something.

The anticipation that he left in this country, like people had a different respect for Chinese people. It's like when I was watching a Julius Servant documentary on ESPN, you know, I'm watching this going, this guy did more for black people. You know, him and Muhammad Ali have done more for black people through sports and the people that were supposed to be doing stuff for black people.

You follow me? because you accept them, you let them into your heart because he's a good basketball player, and bam, then they turn you on to Earthland and fire, and you're fucking done. It's all over to fucking shot. So my whole thing is that when you look at Bruce Lee, and I stole my guys, I was hooked. I was hooked.

I wore the shirts. I wore the white shirt with the fucking black shirt over it, and the pants and the shoes. My mother was worried about me. I'd have rice in my room with chocolate. sticks and I'd have fucking uh I'd have uh your urns

that burnt fucking incense and I had posters of Bruce Lee everywhere and we're all waiting for the Chinese we're all waiting for the dragon the pictures over now remember there's no internet guys so you had to go to a special comic book store and they would order the Chinese books

from the magazines and you have to get Chinese magazines to learn about Bruce Lee this is deep guys this is not you know this is deep We had to go to Chinatown to get black and white pictures of Bruce Lee's from the picture. You didn't just, this is

underground type shit. That's hysterical. And all of a sudden, we find out that this guy, everybody was going. If you sparred in a karate class, everybody, everybody made noises. Everybody was fucking, it went, these karate schools were packed.

Kung Fu schools were packed. Every school was packed. It opened up a different avenue for people in this country. It opened up. the carra. It just knocked the door down. Like, you went from having eight students and really getting the

money from them, listen, it's the eight to the month, your kids got to fucking pay. You know what I'm saying? It went from that to people wanting to train. It became this whole thing. I remember going, guys, you look at me, you think I'm a fuck. Before all that shit went down, I was a tournament geek. I was a

gushing root karate green belt that were getting the bus with eight other idiots with white uniforms on and carrying your belt with the stripes on it. And we go to the Bronx and we put a cup on and compete. I didn't even have hair on my fucking cock and nothing. Nothing. I was just a little fucking kid that went over there

and that was my life. At night, I remember going at night, like going home doing homework and my mother would go back to work and I would call my mom and go, Mom, we're going to Mario Diaz's house to do her sex. Mario Diaz was a Cuban Chinese kid in the fucking neighborhood and I would go to his house.

This kid, Glenn Colon, would go to his house. This kid, Steve Oroniski, would go to his house. You know what we'd do until midnight, We beat the fuck out of each other in the basement. He was a black belt in karate. You were a black belt in my keto. It was everybody's life. And all of a sudden, Bruce Lee fucking died.

And that was the first time I had really experienced that. It was Roberto Clemente and Bruce Lee. As a young man, their debts were fucking, because I didn't know my father. You know, but those two, they were my fucking heroes. Gone. When Bruce Lee was gone, there was a couple months there. My mother was worried about me, guys.

That was deep. That was deep for not just me. Half a fucking America. Half of fucking America were taken. How can this guy die? He's got the fat content, the 9%. The headaches, the whatever. He died at some Betty Ping's house.

It was just trying. So people really don't know. Well, we're going to celebrate the 40th fucking anniversary of this. And you've got to sit there and go, what would it be? He invented an M.MA. Watch Enter the Dragon. Watch the first fight and Enter the Dragon. This fucking guy, he's getting all excited doing Bruce Lee Moves.

Watch the first fight into the Dragon. This isn't an end with a fucking arm bar or something? like that. And look who the guy is. It's that guy that had the show on CBS biting his fucking ankle or whatever the fuck it was. Enter the Dragons. My favorite of all time is Chinese Connection. That's the favorite one.

They have it on YouTube, like in pieces, like in ten pieces, so if you want to watch it. And they got great. I mean, fucking tremendous fight scenes in Chinese Knitin. Spitting back. One of my all-time... It's on my DVR. I was going to say that. And I watch it once a week, just for entertainment purposes. Just to think to myself

Jesus fucking Christ. How lucky He was either. I was alive and I saw the change he had. Anyway, did I give the shout-out chance yet? I'm pretty fucking hot. I'm pretty fucking hot. I don't know how this happened. I still got a joint left. You know how this happened here? Three joints. So what? That's an afternoon at the Diaz. No, it's not bad. I'm just saying

you always actually a surprise. Why am I so high? Because you had two edibles today and you had smoked seven joints? All right. So it happens. So like he said, we're doing Philadelphia this week. The Ice House next week. And Domberra called me up.

this morning. I was very impressed. I really was. I grew up fucking idolizing him. Right now I'm starting to look around and going, Jesus Christ, I'm doing a podcast, but so is Dice Clay. These are the guys that made me do what I fucking do. Yeah. You know, that Rodney special still is my education. That's my four-year college in comedy, you know?

The Rodney Special with Dom on it. With Dom on, and there's two of them. There's two of them. There's one with Dom. There's one with Lenny Clark. Seinfeld. Bill Higgs. Hicks, Kennisin, Robert Townsend, Roseanne Barr, it's the biggest education in comedy, brother. That's good.

So you guys were just talking about your show, and so it's just both of you, right? At the Ice House. Do you and John? Yeah, just me, him and DiAgostino. Yeah, I'll be hosting. Oh, shit. Doing 15 up front like a soldier,

this is part of it. This is, I got to get him out there with me, and he makes little corrections and little things. I hate listening to myself, guys. I have not overcome that yet That's heavy-duty psychiatry And needles in my nutsack You want to torture me

Time me up and put earphones down With me listening to me And watch my face I'd probably die I've never listened to the podcast Have you? I'd probably go into shock After six or seven minutes

I listen to the podcast Oh okay I can Just to make little adjustments That doesn't bother you? Three or four minutes And then I move on I put on Led Zeppelin And I open up a link

And then I go back to it and I speed it up a little bit. I try to listen to something we said during the podcast. And it's very funny, the few times I'll listen to the podcast, what I've been listening to hear, how we were said, we said something completely different on the way up that was like, holy fuck, that was funny. You never know what the fuck you're saying.

That's why I love this podcast because we just talk, bro. Yeah. Nothing scripted here. I don't prepare, and I ain't thinking about nothing. I got to talk about fucking and tell you the truth about it. That's it. That's all I tell you, motherfuckers. You know, my main man here.

It tells me the worst The best of my Hulu We ain't selling you anything All we're trying to do Is get the party started In your fucking mind Spark that number Do what you need to do

We'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning on you stream At 6 a.m. We're back to back time The Agassina, what do you got going on? Well I'll be at ice house with you You were saying You're going to tape something else for Nuvo

Yeah You already taped something for it I didn't tape it already I taped season one And then they contacted me about season two So I'm actually I'm working on a I'm gonna send him like a They want to see all new stuff

so I got to send them like I got something to send them You've been doing comedy four years And that's already moving and shaking for you You know, I'm proud of you. You know what? Yeah, like you know, whenever your birthday's come up You know, Lee always look back at what you did that year

And you're like, yeah, what did I do this year? Did I procrastinate? But you know what? Like I feel good this year. Like I got married this year. I, uh, you know, I got the one TV credit under my belt I'm working with you. You know, I feel good.

How is that being 25 and being married? Because I have friends getting married now and it freaks me are just thinking about it. Well, um, well, you've been with it for Yeah, it has to be like the right, it's got to be the right chick. So, you know, a lot of people that think I could never be married at that age. But if it was the right girl, you could. You know, she's like one of my best friends.

We have a good time together. We hang out. We enjoy it to his company. It's not hard. Okay. Yeah. Because, Joe, you got married, what, like 27, something like that? Something like that.

Yeah. I have friends who have kids now and are getting married. I'm like, Jesus. I was not ready. Yeah, I'm not ready. I was not ready emotionally. I was not ready. mentally, I was not prepared for the whole

commitment of marriage. If you are at that age, God bless. A lot of people have done it. I hate when somebody says they're too young to get married. Nobody plans to get married at 21. Nobody leaves high school going, you know what? Yeah. I'm going to get married next year. It's just for a second. You know, it's so weird how people try to plan shit in their lives.

You know, when people say to me, well, we'll get married in four years. I want to reach across and smack him in the fucking mount. Yeah. Four years. What are you fucking? You know, nobody thinks, well, I want to finish law school, and he wasn't, that's not going to work out. Go now. Go now. Today, get it over.

Go over this dry hump. You're going to wait four years. You got four more years on your own. You can both be living together. You got a piece of ass right there, laundry. You get the cat. Everybody takes. You know what I'm saying? Why are we waiting? We love each other. Yeah. Before I got married, somebody told me like,

why are you going to wait until you get a better job? We're going to make more money. Move in, and that's going to help you. That's going to help you. You're going to help each other. She's going to school. Help her with their studies. You guys sit there and work it all out together.

So it's a little partner. The biggest thing for me is, I've had this girl staying over the past couple weekends and I love it, but I love my alone time. So I miss her when she's gone, but I'm also like, okay, I have my place back. Like, is it weird being around someone all the time? Like, I feel like I'm, I need my alone time. I work, I work so many hours and we're in opposite schedule. She's 9 to 5.

I'm, you know, I'm 5 to 2 a.m. Yeah. So when I come home, I'm like, I haven't seen you all day. It's nice. We don't really get even to talk. I get one day off and I appreciate it with her. But then again, like, when she's at work and I'm there in the day. time by myself.

I don't mind it. I like to have my, you know, like do things, go with friends, watch a movie by myself, you know? Yeah. Joe, you love your alone time, but you've been lived with Terry

for what, 15 years, something like that? But again, I worked nights, she works days. I enjoy my time. I gotta be honest with you, I was with a couple of women before Terry.

I enjoy that little time. You know it. You know when you were to work that little time is everything in the world, whether it's just walking the jump in juice. Mm-hmm. Or taking a fucking ski trip or whatever the fuck you do.

You know, you know. Yeah. And you try to keep it at that level. Like, I really worked hard. When I was married, when I was younger, I didn't work at marriage at all because I didn't think you had to. I thought that you just got a ring. You had a party. Everybody came and everything worked itself out.

No fucking way. You got a sacrifice just like everything else. When you do comedy, you sacrifice, correct? Yes. People have no fucking idea. People have no fucking idea. idea, you know, and to be a good comic and take up to that level, it takes even

more sacrifice to really dig in. I see people who are on a path all of a sudden, and they tell me they're taking, you know, three weeks of vacation and I'm sitting there going, there's no vacation in this. It's like the mafia. There ain't no time off. There's no cards, there's no bonus plan.

You've got to work while you're walking, while you're living, while you're breathing, you know? Take a vacation when you're fucking 60. Go down there and sit like an old man by the sea and drink cocktails. fucking vacation. Jesus Christ. If it was up to me, I'd close all

the fucking ships. Everybody got to work every fucking day, vacation. You want to vacate? Come back. You're going to go up in front of a judge to order of a fucking vacation. That's how I would do it. You're the only person that doesn't like vacation.

Because too many people take advantage of it for no fucking reason. And I saw, I was around a lot of fake people who would live their life, they would judge their life by their vacations. I was surrounded that one time my life and it was, they didn't see it.

I saw it. They just lived for vacation to vacation. And then years later, I realized I was stupid because that was what their life was about. Who was I to judge? But it was very funny. And they all mind-fucked each other. So it wasn't like you and Lee were tight

and you were the wise one. No, no, no, no. You tried out-do each other. So there was six people outdoing each other twice a year. We're going to Bangladesh Oh no, no, no, no, no. We're going to India to feed

blind kids. Oh, no, no, no, no. We're going to Australia. We're going to save sharks and bloody goals and we're going to suck Mel Gibson's dick. Everybody, you know, it became something else, but just going

away. It was like going away to show something, to show that people know, like, we just came back from Vietnam. Oh, you know, we fed kids. Jesus fucking Christ. Just stop. A vacation driver.

Really? When I go on vacation, I'm still working. I'll find a spot to do somewhere. After three fucking days, and you're like, what the fuck? After your fuck sucked,

had a bloody marry, got a son tan, stayed up late till two, and got up two days, you're like, okay. Yeah. I'm here for 10 more fucking days. Are you kidding me?

I haven't taken it. The only vacation I get is when I go home once you're a bullshit. There ain't no more fucking vacations. There ain't no more going home. I didn't want your mom out here no more. She ain't alive. send her a fucking Skype

She's come out twice And she always flies out Monday During the fucking podcast Skype cucksucker Skype sent pictures wave Lee where are you from Massachusetts I was I grew up in Sudbury

Which is out by like 45 minutes I was out of Boston I used to stay in Clinton mass for a little while Okay All right yeah I uh Joey used to tell me And like I have friends who just moved out here And they're like oh I miss home

Once you go home once or twice miss it anymore. Did you grow up mostly here? What do you mean? Do I go up where? Where did you grow up? Oh, I grew up mostly here, yeah. Right down the corner.

Yeah. Actually, I told me out on the way over here, I passed my parents' house. I was like, my parents' house. I did. Oh, okay. Yeah, I saw you driving one day. Well, that's when I lived on Burbank. That's when you saw me leaving from my house.

I just moved over, like, closer to Joey now on the other side. Oh, okay. Nice. You just shit together. God, second. What's the question? Both is. It's only a podcast where we interviewed.

you each other. What do you got plan for your birthday? Tell me, I feel bad I'm not going to be here with my little brother. And someone asked me if like, do you invite Joey to the bar? I'm like, if Joey was here and I invited him to the bar, he might like wait till like the day after my birthday and like home he said like, why he invited me to a bar for? I'm going to take you the dinner like a gentleman. I'm going to no fucking ball with you. And the fucking sperm swallow it with a tube take.

I said a little sperm breath with a Chinese friend and all fucking people. They're into your soldiers, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You like this broad. I rather you get like a nice little steak sent over it. Did you get a robe yet? No, I can't get my dad had a robe. I'm sorry, I can't.

Listen, Doug, today. Go online, go to the fucking big and tall store. What am I going to get a, why do I need a robe for? It's like a silk one. A silk white. Your dad didn't have a silk robes. And here's where the magic comes in. You got her some roses and you get some fucking.

You get her a little silk barrel on these to match your robe. Drop it out of the Agostina. Get a little silk robe. This fucking Jew don't know nothing about it. Nothing. It's your birthday. Get one with the pocket on the front and then have your

like the flying Jew initial on it. She'll be topped with her little silk panties on if you're gonna eat her pussy with that fucking robe on on your 20th birthday. Who's better than you?

What do you want to? Do you want to hang out with her? Or you want to hang out with sperm toot? With a fucking insurance card. No, that's one thing. That's it.

You get some strawberries. You pop on her ass all. You know. Licked that fucking clip and massage her assail with the strawberry. Those little shells from the strawberry,

the seeds, they scrubbed the particles from her assholes that's smoothing everything out so when you machine gunned the muffler with your tongue you don't pick up no shrap or no particles and shit

there's no way the straw would be in it they would explode that's what you're doing for your 25th birthday you're gonna fucking lick her goutts you're gonna lap that wear a shirt and tie on to get the robe

like Ricky Ricardo like a gentleman like a soldier that's what you should wear a robe with a shirt a tie on completely naked and one of those cigarettes

that have the extension on it. With socks and fucking banging. Not those insurance salesmen shoes. Don't embarrass me. Get yourself in those shoes of Vini Garmonis. You know what the thing? I have no idea what you're saying. You don't know what you're saying.

Happy birthday. Thank you. Birthday, Lee. Happy birthday, what is it in the week? July 25th, yeah. So we'll do something next week next week. So we'll let a state dinner somewhere. Oh, shit.

It's your birthday. Play some music. 20 fucking five. Yeah. This one's a weird one I look back to But like the number of 25 It's a little weird

So Jesus So what you're trying to tell me is February of 88 Is when I turned 25 Yeah I was born in July That's very fucking sad Why

Just goes to tell you How sad of a fucking life I had That's very fucking sad 88 I don't even know What the fuck I was doing that At that time already I had already Kidnap Vela

Correct You were younger than me when you kidnapped him? Yeah, kidnapped him November of 87. Oh, Jesus. So my 25th birthday, this is what my head was completely. At 25, thinking where you guys are, I'm so proud of you. I think of what you guys are. At least you have a head.

I had nothing. February of 85, I had 88. I don't even know. I was living with Manny in Boulder. I'm waiting to go on trial. Jesus. I was working at a fucking... hurts.

I was in the rental car? I was manager trainee, which meant I washed cars. And I delivered cars, and I rented cars out with a fucking plaid shirt on. And in those days, you know how much I slept?

An hour a night? I didn't. And on that hour, I would fucking go to work, that hour, go to work till 5, and ride my bicycle there and back. I lived on 49.

Street, the Hertz was on 26th Street. I'd ride a there and back. I'd come home, smoke a joint, take a shower, and I'd hit the bag. I'd walk my dog out of German Shepherd, and then Hercules. I'd eat dinner, and about 10 o'clock, I'd start snorting. I'd make believe I was going to bed and in those days, I had a roommate, manny, that sold drugs, sold coke, but he drove a cab. He was a teacher in the daytime. This is a true story. Wow. A school teacher in the daytime, and he drove a cab at night, and he also sold coke. And he got his Coke from a tremendous fucking Mexican drug meal.

Out of the cab or no? He drove it, he sold it out of his house, but he had like three or four accounts that were heavy duty. But he smoked so much coke that he lost count on what he would have. And I would buy $20 for him, but I'd steal $400 from him. He would hide it in the garage,

but he'd be so paranoid his bedroom that he wouldn't hear me going into the garage. So I would go into the garage and rob his own Coke, and I'd see him the next morning, eat breakfast, and he'd go. He'd be shaking. this happened. I go, what's up? He goes, man, I smoked it. He was smoking coke. He thought he did it all. He goes, man, I got, I fucking smoked the half

ounce to you out there. I thought I only did an eight ball. That was me upstairs, snorting that shit, whacking off. That's why you don't get high in your own supply. It was fucking terrible. And right before I got married, he asked me, he goes, can I pull you aside? He goes, that whole time you live in me, were you stealing coke from him? I go, no. I always felt so bad. Oh, my God. And I talked to him about two weeks ago. We just talked about it. Yeah, we talked all the time still. I don't. Yeah, we talked all in time still. I I really loved him, but I was addicted, and he had ounces.

He had a paint can full of it, full of it, paint cans. You know, it was cleaned. And the guy would give him paint cans and put the kilos in there. And he would be in the garage, and he'd be hitting the bag, and I'd look to see him, and I'd wait until he'd go in the shower. And I'd open up the cans, and I'd just scoop out, like a rock, and put in a piece of paper and put in my shorts. That's how much he had in the garage, kilos.

Jesus. 2.2 pounds, three cans. I had a rob him. I had no choice. I had to. Just on principle. It was fucking terrible. I feel bad until I still talked to him.

Something I had to give me a check for $10,000 and go. No, you're not? Yes, I am. I've already done it. Everybody's taking care of people. Have you really? Yeah, I got a conscience. But for stealing coke from somebody?

Whatever. For putting them in a bad position. Wow. Even if it was $10,000, I sent them $520 years later. Who does that? Nobody does that. It's off the credit report.

By that time, it's off the credit report. Everybody taking care of four or five people who I put in a bad position. Oh, I didn't know that. That didn't even know. I put them in a bad position, really. Maybe two of them knew. Two of them guessed. The other three didn't know.

And when I sent it to them, they called, and they said, what is this for? And I said, just take it. And about a month later, they called back, and I go, I know what that's for. Oh, my God. What about Michael's Jewel or is you going to send him something? Yeah, I'm going to send him a fucking fake ring. No, I've always felt bad about that, but he died. You know, he kept in touch with some guy, and he would always ask him about me,

and the guy told him about what was going on in my life. And he said that one time he showed him the longest yard card. The longest yard had trading cards when I first came out, and I gave my buddy a card. My buddy called me like a month later. I saw him Michael's Jules and I showed him the card. He said he was proud of you. Oh, good.

Well, yeah, he got insurance from that anyway. Yeah, it's not like I robbed them and left them out there, but it's true. I had to take, you know, I don't remember. Every time. When I lived in Snowmast was the worst, I was addicted to rob it. And in those days, the closer you got to me, the closer I got to rob it. Unless I really liked you. Like, if I didn't like one thing about you, I robbed you.

I'd just wait for the perfect time when you got to shipping the money in or you got paid on a Friday or something. And there was this one guy who lived, you got to go. No, that's okay. There was this one guy who lived upstairs. You know those motherfuckers that come over every night and moot from you. Oh, yeah, yeah. He would always knock. Did I tell the story in the podcast?

The one where you jumped over on to the... Yeah, the thing. His name was Kent, but he was from Kentucky. And he always showed up, smoked our weed, ate our food, and then he drank with Jimmy. And Jimmy was told me, Jimmy was the nicest kid in the world. God bless his soul. He would say to me, dog, that fucking guy is taking advantage of us. And I didn't want to say it.

At that time, I was really trying to change. So I made a promise. Anything that came to my mind, I'd give myself 10 minutes, and I'd think of mine, and I go, what the fuck, I'm robbing anyway. The kid wants to come down

and eat a salami sandwich, but this kid would come down every night for lobsters. Oh, yeah, he knew we had lobsters because I used to rob lobsters from the city market. He knew all that shit. This went on for like six months.

And one day I just asked him. I said, dog, you ever going to bring anything down? And he went pout and got insulted. Man, fuck you, man. Fuck you, that's a lie. I always got my own for it. Then he stopped coming.

down for a while. And then one day this motherfucker, I figured that he thought about it. Like if he was a real man, he'd go, you know, Joey's right. One day, this bitch comes downstairs and is telling me how his grandmother was sending him $300. That's the first time. He's going to get to go out to Aspen tonight and drink. I'm looking

at this guy going, this guy's cheap as fuck. In those days, there was no ATM. There was maybe one in Aspen, and the banks were closed, or I knew he had the money in his house or in his wallet. Uh-oh. Something like this guy's, so everybody went out. It was a Friday night. Everybody went out.

And I had money. This is how crazy I was. And I had money, but I go, I'm going to buy Coke tonight with the money I steal from Kentucky. And there was a balcony. The balcony right above me, and I put a table and a chair and a chair on top of that, a little ladder on top of that.

And little by little, I climbed up. And I grabbed down and I pulled myself up. Anybody could have seen me. I went in. Sliding door went in. Fucking lurk. Couldn't find it everywhere. I couldn't find it. Finally, I went back in, I looked at this bicycle, and I had a little thing, like in the back of the bike,

and I opened it up, and the day, the Band-Aid thing was $200 bills. I clipped that motherfucker and went down, bought a gram a blow, got some beers, and went back to my next day, first day in the morning. Hey, man, can I talk to you guys? Somebody broke in my house and Robbie, Jimmy Burkle knew.

Right there, Jimmy's like, Joey fucking got you. God damn it, I didn't know when, but I knew it was when, because once I mark you, that's it. Yeah. But I always think of Kentucky, and where he is playing. Kentucky.

Probably still tells that story. That motherfucker rob me. I remember for days he kept saying, man, whoever did it, better come clean with me. Like, he knew I did it. And he would say, whoever did it, better come clean with me. I've already got the fingerprints.

I already came for the snowmast police department. Sure you do. He told him, how did you get the fingerprints? He goes, I got Scott's tape. I learned on TV one time, man. I got the fingerprint off the Scotts tape. I got the fingerprint off the Scotts tape. Shit.

This stuff only does happen to you. The only happen to be. So what did we learn today? We talked about a hookah with a cast. We talked about Nouveau TV. We talked about relationships. We covered everything today. People.

We covered Hulu. We covered fucking honor. Not going to college. We covered not going to college. Where else can you get this for the entertainment fucking dollar? Nowhere. Nowhere. So that's it.

We love you. Pay attention to Twitter. Like I said, we're in Philadelphia, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Next week, I'll be at the Ice House. Lee will be at the Saturday shows for sure or both of them. If I can, I'll be at both, yeah. Depending on what I get, if I get this job.

Yeah, we'll all be there. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Leal be up there shaking hands. I got a few t-shirts I'm going to give away. The 30th is the podcast live. Great guest. Great fucking guest.

We're not going to leak who at you. He's a big Hollywood star. He got AIDS and other fucking diseases and shit. He's going to love it. He's going to tell you about his life with AIDS and fucking people in the ass. Shoot bazooka juice. I was just telling my man over here

that he knows this girl that's Arabian and she's fucking beautiful. A little on the chunky side, but her face is beautiful. I don't give her fucking that chunky. I like a big edge. I like it. You know what I'm talking to. And I would love to come in her eyes.

She had those Arabian eyes. How didn't you just come up with that? Nobody's ever coming in Arabian's eye. I just came in her eye. So every time you see it, she gives you the evil eye. It means it. I love you guys. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Lee, you got anything to tell you. DiAgostino, what are you got coming up? You're with me. I'm with you with? In Portland, I'm taking you. We're going to have a good time. What's in Portland? September?

All right. September. All right. September. He'll go to New York. I can't take you to New York, but I can take you to fucking Portland, Oregon. All right. Do you have on Twitter?

Yeah, I'm on Twitter. Augustino Z-O-G-O-S-T-I-N-O. Not like the month, August, A-G-O-G-O-E-O-D-A. And Z-O-I-D-A. There's just fucking Sess in the street. Well, it's not like Jim Miller. Z-I-O-D-A. I know.

Z-I-O-D-A. You see, he just said it. You just spelled it wrong. Z-O-D-A. It's the same thing. I-O. It'll come up to you while you're typing. You're like, oh, it ain't this?

It's that. Oh, it's this. It's like a brain surgery. Thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me, guys. Happy birthday, Lee. I didn't even know. For you women out there, do me a favor.

Totally happy. Tell him you love telling me one of the liquors Guats Please don't Get somebody to fart in his face For his birthday No no

Lee's a fucking good man Doug We uh You know I better not find out You went to Hollywood And hung out with those fucking stiff Because I would go down there

And pull you out of their head first You understand You're gonna fly back from Philly Just for that Oh I know They're gonna talk You're gonna go on a Culver City A Century City

No No This bar that's so cool There's always that 180 Just look at the face And go no We're doing it by my house There's a pantera deli where all eat bagels

and I'm gonna go home and give Mama the hard one because that's all that matters on your 25th birthday. Yeah, that's what I want to do. I'm telling you right now is your older brother. You're with Mama, you spend, you drink with Mama, you take one of those fucking roaches, you roll a bazooka. You smoke two fucking hits.

Let me and leave your Cheebo Chew? No, I can't give her a Chewitcher for the first time. Because no one, that's like giving someone fucking... You're not going to give her the whole... A shot of heroin in the... Lee, you're not going to give her the whole thing. You're going to give it the same piece I gave you even less, like a third of a thing. Sure, why not, then?

You give a little piece, you eat the other piece, and you both melt. You both melt on each other. Have you ever made love on medical milk? No, that's what I want to do. Ah, you see who loves you more than me, Cuck Sucker? But right away, and let me tell you something, if you take it the next level, you take this little Cheebo, you cut it out, you're running up like a little ball, you put like a needle on it, and you cut the tip off, and you just,

while you're bagging it, you just massage your little asshole, make you go in and out of your muffler, just to give you little shots of T.HC. Wait, and my muffler or hers? Yours. Oh, why? Then you're both high. You're both looking at each other.

You ask yourself why. You're fucking terrible. What is this shit? Oh, shit. All right, I love you, Cucks on. All right, guys. Have a great week. Stay black.

Love everybody. Put some music on for you. Go to Joey Diaz. Dot net, get your t-shirt and sign up for Hulu. Cut this shit. Now that the show's over, go to Joey Diaz done that and sign up for your free travel of Hulu Plus.

start watching your favorite hit shows right now go to our homepage at joey dyes.net click the banner for your extended free trial or go to huluplus.com slash joey again the hulu plus banner at joey dyes.net or huluplus.com slash joey. Why are you playing? There we go.

How long are we got away from music? What is this? Oh shit, we're killing you, motherfuckers. This is heavy duty off the album, presence. The baddest albums he ever made. They just take it to the next level. And he went or without?

Ho!