The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #072 | ROBERT KELLY | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Wednesday, June 9th..... Today we talked with the Great, ROBERT KELLY….. This episode is brought to you by DraftKings & CBDLion..... Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter PROMO Code: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter PROMO Code: JOEY or CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #RobertKelly The JOINT is Produced/Co-Hosted by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on: Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, the 9th of June. Welcome to the fucking joint. The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. Listen, NBA season is in full fucking kickoff playoff mode. Money is easy to be made right now. The lines are still soft. The first round just fucking finish when in the second round.

You got Brooklyn, Milwaukee. You got fucking Utah against the clippers coming off a big fucking victory off the Mavericks. and you got motherfucking the sixes playing fucking Atlanta. Atlanta's already up. I don't know if they won last night. I got to check and see. I didn't fucking put the bed in anything last night. But Draft Kings is fucking solid.

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Go get your fucking skateboard, cock suckers. I don't need your fucking gambling through here. You're too young to be fucking gambling. Resident New Jersey, fucking Indiana, and Tennessee, all right. New customers only, restrictions do apply. Read the fucking draft.

King's whole thing before you sign in. And if you have a gaming problem, call 1-800 with it in fucking Indiana. Or if, call 1-800 gambler in Indiana. And if you're fucking anywhere, call 1-800, get with it. But if you don't have no problems, then you shouldn't have no problems. Because I'm only doing $25 a fucking game, two, three nights a week, just to watch the games. They're on fucking TNT. Just to entertain yourself.

So again, download the Draft King Sportsbook app. Pressing Code Joey, I'm going to make your fucking world this weekend. The joint is also brought to you by my favorite CBD Lion. Fucking tremendous. Do me a favor. Go to the CBD Lion website and read the third-party lab results. Learn of what the fuck is going on with you. Do you have anxiety?

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and fucking get 20% off your order delivered right to your house, CBD, you don't have to buy it from some fucking GED fucking recipient at a gas station. And that's it and that's that. Point is here, motherfucker, because it's a beautiful day to be alive.

It's been a couple great weeks. You know, I had a great fucking weekend. I told you guys on Monday. I went to an ACDC tribute band. Fucking tremendous live music for the first time in 15 months. It was great to fucking see It was

ACDC Bond Scott On the way out My daughter looks at me She's like what No back in black I almost fucking died I go No back in black

Don't worry about it darling Saturday Sunday We swam Monday you got the fucking podcast And there's a lot of things going on We got a weed brand We got Uncle Joey Releasing his own fucking weed brand

July 16th I will keep you guys Posting through the ice cream cake shop in studio motherfucking city we got an offer

on the fucking book so that'll be coming to shells soon we're still right and we're still on chapter fucking seven don't get all excited seven yeah

on chapter seven so we hustle you know but it's tell you listen this is a long fucking saga look at me and Ryan Sickler we've been at it for a year

we're only up to 1987 or some shit like this so relax I got a lot of good things NFTs coming mid-month. The cups are running late for my Patreon, beautiful people. The NFTs will be on fucking point for my Patreon, beautiful people.

And everything is great. I had a little fucking breakthrough this week, which we will talk about on fucking Monday. I had to practice what I preach. I did smoke a little reefer. I've been smoking a little reefer at night, loading up the pipe, going outside and smoking, no more smoking in the house. I made a rule, but I get my little puffer. and I go outside and I take two fucking hits.

I'm smoking that 35%. Am I getting as high as I want? I told you. It's going to take another fucking month, another month or two. But I will be ready to smoke with you live July 16th when my two fucking herbs get released and then we'll all be fucking partying.

But yeah, I did fucking get high last week and it was pretty fucking good. I still gave the edibles a week. I went back on the tea, but I just put two bags in there now. I'm feeling better. I keep fucking losing weight I'm working out like a lunatic

I'm getting vitamin D I'm doing all the things you got to be doing I'm spending time with my fucking family I don't miss L.A I'm happy here and Jerry it's been fucking great great couple weeks you guys could see it you guys have seen the growth on the podcast

this is not a podcast have you seen grown that we've added stuff or whatever with this podcast I hope you're learning that you watch me make a huge adjustment I was a mess when I got off that fucking plane and today I'm still not up to 100%

I'm still not doing stand-up but at least we're making plans at least we're writing with doing different things it was funny this weekend I did something that I never thought I'd do I made up with a brother of mine that I haven't spoke to in 12 years

12 years ago we got into a slight argument over something stupid and I was hard-headed and I said fuck I'm never going to talk to that cock-sucker again but he was the reason why I moved down here because I used to come down here and visit him Saturday night my wife went to a fucking concert a Leonard Skinner tribute

and I had the baby and I dropped her off with my friend's house to go swimming with their kids and I had to take a ride I had to go to CVS and I ended up by the house so I drove past the house and I saw that he still lived there the house was gorgeous and then I called my sister that night

and I asked him if she had heard from him, and she goes, you know, he calls from time to time, and he cries, you know, you're his brother, you're the only, his other two brothers died, and I'm the only one that's left, and his mother died. So, you know me, dog, I'm a hard-headed fuck. When I get pissed off at you, I get pissed off at you, but I had to practice what I preach on here,

and I had to make somebody's day, you know, so I went over there with my daughter. He hugged me, he cried, he broke down, We both cried and broke down. His name is Chrissy Fish, so he made me some fucking lobsters. He made me some fucking shrimp. I dropped off some edibles from yesterday. I'm going to start delivering fish with him once a week to help him out

because he's getting old. And I like it. You know, you got to be in the fucking Hunts Point Market at 3.30 in the fucking morning arguing with fucking Italians and the Japanese people trying to buy sushi. It's a fucking blast. When he had the business out of the full market, I used to go over there with him and deliver. We're done by one.

We stop at a few restaurants, a few supermarkets, and we're done by fucking one o'clock. We're back down here and he'll drop me off. And I think he's going to give me a couple yardsticks a day. I don't even give a fuck. It's just something to do. And I get to help him out of these 64. He has a hard time carrying shit.

And that's it. It felt good, man. It felt really good to go over there and talk to him. It's fucked up when we have a brother or somebody close to us that we stopped talking to it. It was something stupid. You know, it was something stupid. It was a ticket or something like that.

You know, he got a ticket with my car or something, and I don't know what the fuck happened. But sometimes you just got to fucking swallow your pride and be a man and go over there. And I did it. And I feel a lot better for it. And that's it and that's that. This weekend we have a guest.

He's a great fucking guy. I've known him for 20 years. Fucking solid New Yorker. Makes me laugh at my aunt. ass off. I like to welcome you Mr. Robert Kelly. Enjoy, cock-suckers. It's my brother, Robert Kelly, looking good like a motherfucker.

How you doing, pal? Good. What's the matter? You look depressed all of a sudden. Yeah, no, I look. I'm fucking, uh, I'm good. I just got back from the gym. I'm a little getting my shit together. That's nice, a nice cigar after the fucking gym. You just worked the lungs.

Look at you. Like a fucking old-school Cuban. Look at you. All you need is a wig And you could be a Cuban grandmother You gotta see those Cuban grandmothers Like those fucking cigars They don't give a fuck

The cigar outweighs them Yeah Any good? What type of cigar is that? Any good? This is my favorite cigar on the planet Earth. Hoyo It's a limited edition 2013

The Epicure, Grand Epicure. Cuban? Dominican or Cubans? Cuban Okay Russell Peters fucking sweetest guy In the world

Best dude ever I went to his house And he handed me a box In my favorite cigars Fucking crazy Who the fuck does that Well he's That's why he's who he is

Because He's as Fucking great as a guy As can be You know that Yeah He's as great as can be I mean

He's fucking I mean dude That shit right there I'll die for you. Yeah, no, that's why people are the way they are with him. He called me for a favor. A couple months ago, done, you know, because I know that he's that type of motherfucker.

He'll just come through for you. How are you, Rob Kelly? I'm doing good, buddy. It's good to see you. It's been a long fucking time. I'm an old man now. I haven't seen you in 20 fucking years. It's been a long fucking time.

Since Houston, our Houston days with Pete. Do you remember fucking? You know, I just saw him a year and a half ago. He came to one of my shows and we hung out. He loved you. He loved me and you. We ran that club, you and me. The locals used to get pissed.

They were like, fucking these Yankees headline. And we would go down there and destroy that fucking room. That room, the Houston, the laugh stop. The last stop. He ran it. I mean, he was a fucking nutcase. too. I loved him. Oh my God. He would drink those Yeagers. He would do a bottle

of Yeager a night we were doing over there. A bottle of fucking Yeager we were doing. Yeah, there was always that moment where you're fucking fucking fucking with him but where he looks at you and that fucking scar and he's like, ah shit. He's about to fucking, he's about to cut my head off with something. He would get

fucked up with us. Those were some old school. That club was they never had another club like that. Do you remember Remember the open mics on Monday? They went till 2 in the morning and there'd be 300 people in there on a Monday night? Yeah, I remember.

I would go to that club. I would stay extra days. Me too. Yeah, you stayed. And we would hook up the Xbox at like 2.30 in the morning in the main room. We'd hook up the Xbox and play call of duty until like five. And I mean, I remember the fucking chicks were our radio. Outrageous.

Outrageous. The girls that would come down to see the shows, Texas girls are different, man. They're very sweet, nice. They're down to get funky, and they like to eat, which I liked. They'd always be like, let's go get some food. And at 3 in the morning, you'd be eating like some chicken fried steak with eggs somewhere. The first time I played that club, I was a feature for Bobby Slayden.

That's funny. I got in on a Wednesday night. I was fucking, I needed a line of Coke like you wouldn't fucking believe. I didn't know nobody in Houston. And I'm sitting at the bar thinking about fucking, I'm going to have to get one of the dog guys to drive me to the hood and get some coke.

And I see this beautiful girl. And she comes over to me and she goes, are you the comedian? Yes. She's like, I'm, are you Cuban? We started talking. She's Cuban. She's Columbia and I go, listen, I don't mean to insult you.

Can you get a package? And she goes, yeah, my brother, what do you need? And she goes, I'm with my date, but I'll drop them off and get you a package and bring it back. I thought she was bullshit in me. She showed up at the fucking room. Remember the old hotel? They had that before the hotel got washed out. Houston, the best thing about the laugh stop was they had a hotel that they put you at.

And Willie Nelson had stayed there. fucking every great country performer, every Jimmy Hendricks had been there. It was just that type of hotel. The doors didn't lock. All you had to do was go back to that hotel, grab a beer, and go out into the patio. And within five minutes,

somebody would come to you, whether it was five in the morning or four in the morning. There was always some lonely person in that hotel. And next thing, you know, you were in their room, snorting coke, eating ass, fucking drinking, smoking pot. It was fucking tremendous. This is what a I missed that club when it closed big I was there I went there and I

Middled for Dane when Dane was doing clubs and I remember at the end of the weekend He walked up to me. He's like fuck I fuck him. I won't you I want you fucking back And I was like well I all right he goes your fucking headline here. I'm gonna bring you back three times a year You're gonna fucking build up a fan base and you'll fucking sell this place out and that's exactly what he's did he built a fan that's what clubs some clubs suck because they won't give you the shot to build a fan base he would bring me back three times a year and i would just murder every time and he built this fan base up around me and then they just started coming so when i first went it was good second time it was great the third time fourth time it was just fucking sold out lying out

the door and he built that around me as like one of his his guys But I never stayed in that hotel. I'm a boutique guy. I like a boutique hotel. I like a little boutiquey downtown. You know what I mean? Weird fucking bed. A fucking huge pillow with some weird shit on it.

You know, maybe a kooky chair. He used to put us up at the Intercontinental for a while after that hotel went down. Because that hotel died in the flood. Right. So then he would put you up at the Intercontinental Hotel. And one night, Felipe went down there. and when Felipe was fucking crazy like 2004, 2005,

Felipe went down there and had a party in this room and they lit the curtains on fucking fire and shit. And fucking, I get a call from Pete on Monday like, Joey, what the fuck is going on with this kid? He lit the curtains on fire. You know,

it was a tremendous fucking story. And I heard that he was up all night and he went to the open mic and just leveled the fucking open mic. Pete was like, boy, he was fucked up, but he went up there and the drugs went away. He just leveled that fucking room. It was such a great room, man. Yeah.

It was a great room. I got to actually, I think it's, I got the audio somewhere. I snapped one of my, you know, I don't snap too much on Snaid, but I fucking snapped a couple times. The audio's on the internet somewhere, but I was in there. I did my first album, my first Robert Kelly Live, my first CD. I did at that club. Pete, Pete was like,

fuck it, because nobody would give me a shot. He's like, just fucking do it here. He put the CD recorder in there for me so that I could do my album. He went and paid the fucking money, had him hook it up,

and hooked, Mike the crowd. And I think it was the last night, this little cock sucker in the front row, just fucking arms, bro. It's almost like he came to let me know, fuck,

I don't like you, the whole show. and I lost my fuck I got so mad and snapped so bad that other couples were leaving like they were like fuck this I'm out and I was like screaming I respect you at least you get up and left because you're a fucking man this spineless cuck sucker just sitting there

and it's on it's on the audio for at the laugh stop it was fucking great Rogan taped the CD there and then he released it there he had a release party what that's great And the night of the release party, I hid in the back room. And while he was on stage, I came out behind them naked. And he kept talking.

He didn't know I was naked. I was naked with the cape open. I came out like that. And some chick fucking taped that she still has it. It was on line for a while. Rogan turns around. I started chasing with my dick out. It was fucking tremendous.

The crowd went nuts. I still remember looking to the back. And people in the back were standing. on their chairs, just fucking clapping. It's amazing what happens when you take your clothes off on the stage. People go fucking nuts. If I took my, I won't be able to pull that stunt.

Oh, no, not now. I need a fucker. My nuts sacks are down to my fucking knees. I take my nuts out now. They call 911 and next thing no, Black Lives Matter shows up. I'm done, you know what I'm saying? Joey, I pissed the other day on my nuts. That's how big my nuts are.

I sat down to pee because I was too old. I can't stand to pee all. the time. I got to sit down in the morning and just fucking kind of tuck everything in and lean over a little bit, make sure it's not going through the seat and the ball. And I actually pissed on my nuts. That's how big my ball's on now. Well, let me tell you something. When I did the knee surgery, the redo, I went to take a shit one night and I sat down and I actually, when I went to sit down, I picked up my ass stuck to the toilet seat and my ball sack went under the toilet seat and I sat on my ball sack with the knee surgery.

You have no idea the confusion I had. You don't know what to do. Get up, sit down. My dick looked like my balls look like a waffle for like three fucking days. They were flat with the little edges in it and shit. I had blood in them. You know, I didn't piss any blood so I'm all right.

But my nuts are fucking 100% balls of steel. So that's the only reason why I didn't fucking bleed. But we're getting that old that you got to watch. IP standing up. I don't even put my dick in toilet, Rob Kelly. Since I'm a kid, I think it's disgusting. I want women to suck my dick and not have bad breath afterwards. So I never put my dick where another man's dick is.

I don't want that shit. That's fucking. I pee in my house sitting down. I have to sit down. In the morning, the first piss, I can't stand up. No, I always piss. I'm so fat, Joey, that my dick, I want to lose weight just to see my dick again. Because my, my, my, the bigger you get, the smaller your dick gets. You know what I mean? I hear you. I hear you. But when I was 418,

I was still slinging dick. My dick was still big and shit. It was just, when I did Coke, then it would shrivel up like a fuck. And, you know, when I did the knee surgery, they put so many drugs of me

that my dick shrunk all the way in. I couldn't even get the helmet out. I had a pee in a container and I couldn't get the helmet out. And the nurse was holding the container for me. And I'm making eye contact with it because I don't want to look down on my dick and then go,

I saw Joey Deers and all that came out was just a little pink helmet like a dog. There was no meat to it. You know what I'm saying? So I don't need that shit in my life. Back in the day, man. I used to have a nice. I remember I used to have a nice piece. I'd have to put it on one side of the other before I went out at night.

And now it's a fire. It's just a nightmare. It is. And I'm uncircumcised. You got to see what my dick looks like now. It got dark over the years. I used to have a cat in my backyard that was a Siamese, but he had black balls and a black balls.

black dick. His balls would hang that were just black and that's me now. I'm white. My balls are like that regular off-skin color. You got the rashes, the scratches. You got a birth mark and then my dick with the uncircumcision. It's just dark. It's just like a black dick that's just dark. And it just sits there with a little uncircuncised little Jew helmet on and that's my dick now. It's like three inches and that's, I'm sorry I'm talking about my dick, but if that's what it is, that's what it is on a Wednesday morning, cock suckers. What are you going to do? What are you going to do?

And that's why I say, you know, you got to prepare for this shit. Once you start preparing for it, it makes life a lot easier. I read that if you're over 50, the fountain of youth is lifting fucking weights. I was kickboxing. I was doing jujitsu. I quit everything. I just lift weights now. That's the fountain of youth that keeps my diabetes down.

I don't have diabetes, but I'm just saying that. It keeps your cortisol levels down, all that shit. I sleep more. So I'm in that gym four fucking days a week. I got no options. I just started going back. All as I do is I do 20 minutes on the pre-core and then I lift weights. That's all I do.

And that's all I can do. I can't do any of that. I got a trainer last year. He fucking hurt me. Two sessions in. I pulled my calf muscle because he's trying to get me to, like, I'm not an MMA fighter. I'm not doing ropes.

fucking mountain climbers. You're out of your fucking mind. I'm done. I go in, I walk, I do the weights, and then I leave. I'm out. What do you do for weights? Bench. I do the chest.

I do the shoulders. I do the tries. I do the buys. I do the back. And I do the legs. So I try to do two, a pop. So if I'm going in, I'll do shoulders and I'll do, you know, like buys or something like that. And then I'll do chest.

back and then I'll do tries and legs. And I usually go, I go, I got a gym. It's called Anytime Fitness. Like really right down the street from my house. It's open 24 hours a day. I go at 12 at night. I go with, when I'm up, usually I'm up watching TV. Fucking everybody's in bed.

I'm just fucking sitting there staring at something because I'm, I'm a maniac. I'm used to just being up all night, you know, thinking about fucking life and all that shit. Everybody's sound asleep at 9.30. I'm up. So I was like, fuck it. I might as well just go to the gym.

I'll watch a dumb TV show or YouTube at the gym. And I listen to whatever the fuck I'm going to listen to there and lift weights. Because this is a nightmare. It just sucks before because, you know, look, I'm 50. I got a kid. You know, I'm not doing it to get laid anymore. I'm not doing it to look good. I'm doing it so my fucking kid, you know, has a dad in around, you know, 25, 30,

years, you know? I had a kid late. You had a kid late too. I had a kid at 42. You know, so. I got a kid at 50. You got a kid at 50? Yeah. That's some powerful. That's the Cuban blood. Yeah, that jizz. I'm like Theo Von's dad. I'll knock you up when I'm 74. I got that fucking spick fucking come. That shit. They jerk you off in the casket to get the last bit of that shit. That shit's good. I get in, when I'm dead, they could give me that one last jerk off and I still fucking impregnate three women. All they got to do is take the sperm and throw in that fucking monkey and that's done. Nine months later, you got a Joey Diaz looking like fucking ugly monkey

baby and shit like that. So I got Irish, I got Irish Italian Jizz. I'm done. I'm lucky that last, I got that last one that made it up the fucking tube, just staggered into her fucking egg and fell into it. So I'm done. My Jizz is done. No, I'm very lucky. I'm happy. And I remember going to the doctor, my friends out now. LA, the muscle crew was like, Joey, you're over 50. You got to take testosterone. And I started taking it. I started going to a doctor and getting a shot every week.

And I ended up in the fucking hospital giving them a gallon of blood because my red blood count had taken over or some shit. And I told my acupuncturist, and she told me right out. She goes, listen, don't do it. It don't work for Cuban people. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Because she's Jewish. I go, what are you talking about?

It works for everybody. She goes, don't do it. And sure enough, after I came out of the hospital, I went back to the fucking doctor. And I told him what had happened. He's like, Jesus Christ, this only happened one other time to me with a Cuban dude about 20 years ago. What the fuck is that? I don't know. So my acupunctures was right.

She was like, you don't need it. You don't need to make testosterone. You knock your wife up at 50. That's your fucking testosterone. What do you need to make testosterone get a shot for? I'm like, my friends are telling me that I'll be a lot better off. nothing. I'm better off now. I take a little testosterone pill twice a day. I lift weights. You do your little protein drink at night before you fucking hit the crib with my potassium

pills and I'm done with my magnesium. That's what I've been living off of magnesium and probiotics. That's what I all my friends do. You got to stem cells and testosterone. Go get this check. No, I don't want no fucking needles. I'm fucking old school in it. I'm original Superman. I'm going to the gym. I'll take a protein shake. I'll eat a banana. I'll cut down on the carbs and I'll walk. I'm going to fucking, I ain't doing any of that.

I ain't growing my hair back. I'm not getting fucking plugs. I'm done. I shaved my head at 32. I was like, I'm out. I'm out. Good for you.

How's the comedy going? What are you thinking so far? I don't know, dude. It's a weird, listen, you know, you know,

we've been, it's hard to get these engines back up. You know, I did it for, 28 years nonstop pretty much every Friday and Saturday night, pretty much every night of the week, except for maybe Sundays, but even Sundays for most of that 28 years.

And then to shut it down for a year and be home on Fridays and Saturdays and to kind of get used to that shit. Because now I got a life. Back in the day, I had no life. It was just me in some shitty apartment in New York City. now I got this backyard I got my kid who I fucking love he's got baseball I got my wife

we have dinner we barbecue you know all the shit so now to get up at 4 in the morning get in a car go to the airport checking get on a fucking plane go to the fucking thing open that up you know what I mean

get to the hotel all that shit it's it's like fuck man getting those engines up and then getting to the club doing the show two shows fucking kill me. Who? Two shows kill me, dude.

You got to work yourself up to that now. You got to do like a show and a guest set for like a month. A show and then do a guest set on the second show. You know, Bob, I tried, and it just wasn't working for me. I tried for about six or seven weeks. I took off from March 2nd, like everybody else, to August. I got on stage with our man, Rich Voss and Florentine, at the East Hanover Mall where you just performed that.

I felt good that night. The only thing I was scared of that a bear was going to come and drag me out from the fucking thing into the woods. That's the only fear I had. I did good. And then I started doing spots on Uncle Vinny's great club. I love Dino. But I just wasn't feeling it. I wasn't feeling it.

I couldn't write new material. And I hate doing fucking old jokes. You know, so I said, you know what, Dino, let me pull the plug. Let me get my heart and my son. and my head connected. Yeah. And I'll come back when I'm fucking ready, you know,

and I'm hoping. I feel you, dude. I feel you. Yeah. It's the new, it's the new, like back in the day, back a couple of years ago,

I would, something would happen, this would go down, I'd hold it, I'd wait until the weekday. I'd go to the cellar. I'd work it, work it, work it.

And then by the end of the week, I'd have a new bit, and I'd be good to go. And it was like that thing was flowing. Now, I'm trying to come up with, shit, but it's not, there's something missing.

Like, I lost something. Like, I can't, I don't know what the fuck it is. But even on stage, I'll be like, yeah, and I'll stop bringing something up. And it will just go, it's like, just dies. And I wind up having to go back to a bit that I know works. And then your comic guilt sets in where you're like, fuck, man. And then you see these young bucks coming up behind you that are just, you know, hungry little fucking lions.

that are, you know, and, you know, I think I got to push through it. I think what I'm going to do is try to get a night where I can go down. Like Arias is doing, Arias, Shafir is doing it. Well, he's got a night at the stand where it's like, look, this is going to suck. So fuck you. I'm just going to do new stuff. And everybody else is coming up is fucking off. And this isn't, this is just going to suck until it doesn't suck.

you know what I mean? Because something went out like the pilot light went out with the new stuff and it's killing me. Because you go on the road and you feel like shit because you know, you know when you look out and that guy knows that you, I heard that joke before. You know what I mean?

You're like, fuck. It's hard. And now it's true because everybody's doing the fucking COVID shit too. So we got to get out of that era. You know? And the whole world changed too. Don't forget that.

There's certain things you're, you know, you know, in your head whether, look, I don't give a fuck. I don't got a B plan. I'm going to do what I want. Say what I want. And if I think it's funny, I'm going to do it. But on the back of your head, that is there like what the fuck, you know? They can't, listen, unless you got a TV show or they can't take nothing from you. They can take your sponsors from you and a TV fucking show.

They can't take what you do for the time you've put in. they can't take the microphone from you. And if you're selling tickets, these club owners, they'll either scab off on Iranians' head. You know that they'll fucking book you. They don't give a fuck. As long as you pack the fucking room

and go up there and give them 150%. You'll always be a great comic and always have work. People got to get this cancel culture out of their fucking minds. You know what? I'm going straight ahead whether you cancel me or not. I don't give a fuck. Right. I kidnap the dude and put them in a fucking trunk of a car.

You think I'm worried about cancel culture, bitch? You could suck my fucking dick now at this age I've done it all You want to come at me now Because 23 years ago Some girls sucked my dick at the comedy store Who I'm dear friends with again now You want to come at me over something like that

And try to cancel this and go fuck yourself You know You got no you The reason why cancel life Exist is because people let themselves get canceled I'll fucking go out there You see what happened in Israel And fucking Palestine

They're out there throwing rocks. That's me on the stage. I'll be out there throwing fucking rocks. You're not canceling me. Are you Israel or you Palestine? I'm nobody. You know me. I got no fighting the dog. Why get political on the podcast? You know me? You said you were throwing rocks. No, I run with the Jews since fucking day one. I'm uncircumcised. I'm potential. So I'm holding out for the best offer from the best temple. You know me, Doug. I'm like the number one draft choice of the Jews. They're just holding out to see who who wants to give me the cup.

It is a weird thing though because the people that are coming back, I've noticed this because I've been in the city a little bit, the my age people, the people who own houses, the people who own a fridge, aren't the ones coming back out yet. They're staying home. The young motherfuckers are coming out.

And there, you have to kind of shake them the fuck out of the wokeness because you'll see a joke and they'll be like, oh my God. And it's like, it's a fucking joke. Not, you know, loosen the fuck up. And once you shake them out of it, they can, okay, I get it. You know what I mean?

All right, I get it. But they're so used to just fucking jokes that they don't have to think about. That it doesn't have to, there's no emotion attached to it. It's just a laugh or an applause. Like, oh, that was smart. I ain't into it. I get it. I'm cool with it.

It's just not my thing. I like when somebody's mad at me on stage. Me too. You know what I mean? I like when I see some dude having to check with his fucking girl every couple seconds because she's pissed off because she hates me. I love when a motherfucker squirms in his desk over a fucking joke.

I love it. I love it that you're this fucking week that you got to squirm over a fucking joke. That's the first thing your mother told you. You know what I'm saying? Sticks and stones won't break my bones. Words will never hurt me. What the fuck are you worried about?

Why are you jiggling you? Because I said, I eat her asshole. Go fuck yourself. You know, and they throw the religious car to you. All you religious motherfuckers could suck my dick. You'd all be pedophiles if they let you. So fuck you, too. It's not even that.

Religious people have better senses of humor. Yes, they do. Now, then fucking, dude, 30 years ago, the religious people were the ones, you know, no rock and roll, dirty jokes. The religious ones have fucking great senses of humor now. It's the it's the woke the ones without the religion that don't believe in God that you know that believe in fucking All this woke horse shit and the news is their God. You know CNN and fucking whatever is their God. That's what they believe

They're the ones who suck and having a problem understanding that these are fucking jokes and it's it's not you know That's our job to say something fucked up. But I also like I like when some If somebody doesn't like me, Joey, I like fucking turning them. I like getting them. You know what I mean? We all do. We do. Yeah.

I love it too. I love the fact that I'm like, okay, you fucking hate me right now. But I'm going to get you. I'm going to fucking call you out. I'm going to let you know that I know what the fuck you know. And I'm going to keep going to. And then I'm going to make you giggle. And I'm going to go, I got you.

Fuck you. You laughed at my shit. You got it now. I saved you. I saved you, sweetie. You healed. That's the interesting one. Those are the ones that are great.

Those are the ones that are really great. And they even tell you after the show. I don't like dirty material, but you fucking were funny, or they'll talk to you. I'm the same way. I can't. I'll tell you what. I just bumped into a friend of mine. I didn't talk to for 11 years.

We pulled up to his house. He was in front of the house. I told my wife before I even opened the door. I guarantee he calls me a spic. As soon as he sees me, he's going to go, what's going on, Spick? Not two words after I got out of the car. He hugged me, he had tears in his eyes, and he's like, you spick, motherfucker, I missed you. I go, what did I tell you?

I've been called to Spick by these North Bergen kids since I moved to North Bergen. So it does not bother me at all. It gives me a sense of that they love me. They're cool. I got like six of them that still call me a spick. The main one died, and I really missed him. Like after he died, I really missed him. because he would call me, insult me,

and then call me a spick, and, you know, what are you polishing your Meringue shoes? And, you know, he would do all that shit. But he didn't know that I laughed at that. Right. So because I'm so open to racism towards bad. Like, I laugh, you know. Yeah.

I'm very free up on stage of what I say also. So I'm a little worried about that, but it's not what you're saying in comedy. It's how you say it. Yeah. You know, if you say something with a smile on, your face it doesn't hit as much as you know i could say fuck you 10 million different ways yeah i mean that's the my favorite part about comedy is that i walk on stage and i'm like what's wrong with

your face and they laugh it's like you i mean i mean i'll be in the middle of my shit and i'll just be like i fucking hate your shirt i just hate it and his wife will fucking start laughing because she hates it just the fact that it's the only thing where you can acknowledge the absolute truth in the moment. You can say whatever the fuck you want. And if it's true, a lot of the times it's funny. They'll laugh. You know what I mean? If you just walked up to that guy in an Applebee's and I want to hate your fucking shirt,

he probably want to fight me. He probably want to. And his wife would be pissed off with what the fuck? I bought him that shirt. You know what I mean? but in a comedy club setting, if you got them, you can say whatever the fuck you want.

You know what I mean? If they get you and they understand your tempo, you can say whatever the fuck you want. That room we were talking about, the Houston Lifestop. Yeah. I could say whatever the fuck I wanted to in that room. Right.

I got away with more shit than anybody in that room. There was only one word you could not say in that room. that would bring that audience to a halt. And I saw it happen. Thank God I'm not political. You could not bring up Bush there. Why? If you said something about Bush at the Houston Napstop.

It's like you call their mother a fucking cunt. Yeah. They would freeze. But if you said something about Bush in Austin, they would jump up and down. Right. So you could see the differences. But that was the only free,

freedom that Houston took from you as a comic. Just don't talk about Bush. He's our boy, Doug. Everything else? It's so funny. Remember they used to have the gay neighborhood? Because that club was in a gay neighborhood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When they had great food, fucking great food. The pizza was good. The Anthony Chang's Dumping Palace. They had a gay restaurant where they used to have meatloaf. And I would go in there every day

and I would go, you know what? I know there's coming. There's meat. meatloaf. That's how they kept it together. But I don't give a fuck. If they DNA me right now, I got eight different sperms from eight different. Like, when I took the 23 and me, I knew that

that Indian blood I had was from fucking eating that meatloaf at that place in Houston. It was so good. It fucking wouldn't break. I'm telling you, the sperm was the crazy glue in that fucking thing. It was a binder. Yeah, it kept it together. It was like

the break crumbs. You know what's so funny, though, what it sucks about comedy now. There's two things that it's like I don't know how I became a fucking political pundit. I don't give a fuck

and I don't want you to know what is up here. And I don't want you to know who I like, who I vote, what religion. All that shit, if I choose to tell you, I tell you. You don't need to know every fucking thing about me.

And I don't need to fucking sit here. I feel like you have to stand on some you have to pick some side you have to let people know where you stand on this on that on every fucking thing buddy I don't do that I tell you if something happens to me I bring it on stage I think it's funny

it's fucking funny I don't know why all of a sudden I became the news for you and if I don't fucking you know let me tell you about this and that's when she said that it's wrong I don't like the news I don't fucking watch news I've hated news was a punishment for me when my grandfather used

to punish me, he'd make me watch news. And I would sit there and these assholes and suits would be talking to other assholes in suits. And they've been arguing since we started this fucking world. I don't fucking need to deal with that shit. I want to laugh, have a good fucking time

and then go get some food and not fucking die. And maybe some sex every six months for my wife. But, you know, all this shit that we got to, and here's another thing too. I always thought we were like the mob. I thought comics. We were like the mafia. You know what I mean? We are sure. We don't like them. She doesn't like me.

Fuck her. Fuck him. But when it came down to it, we had each other's backs. Yeah, no, that's not the case. We had each other's backs. And now I feel like one person ratted and now everybody fucking rats. Yeah, no, that's that I knew when the Rogan Mencia thing went down that we were in the mafia. And it broke my heart for a while. That's why I stopped going to the store. that was why I stopped going to the store because the deal was they banned Rogan and the comics were supposed to meet outside and do a protest. And that night, Mitzie found out about it and said whoever does it is getting banned from the store. And the comics said, fuck Rogan.

And I go, well, I won't go down there no more because they don't have my back. Right. Why would I want to be with people that don't have my back? So it really hurt me for a while. What did you guys go, though? I mean, where did you guys do comedy after that? I just, at that time, I would just open up for Joe. He was doing a lot of road work.

We did improvs. When I moved to the Valley, I started working out a lot at the Ha-ha. She was very good to me. The Agostino, the manager, was very good to me. And then one day Tommy left, and Adam, the new booker called me, and he goes, I'd love to get you back in here. And I went back down. And that had to be 2014.

That was the week of my colonoscopy. I'll never forget it. I did a colonoscopy. And they called on a Friday. And I said, let me think about it. You know, Mitzie was still alive, so I still had tons of love for them. Yeah.

And I said to myself Saturday, I go, nope, I'm not fucking going back there. Fuck them. But that Sunday night, when I was in a colonoscopy, I couldn't sleep because you keep shitting all night from that fucking vitamin juice they give you. You're shit. chicken bones, the bubble gum you ate when you're four.

Everything comes out of your ass that you've eaten. Have you had a connoisseph? Yeah. Yeah. So I fucking was sitting there and a movie came out called Being There with Pink the Pink Panther. The guy that plays the original Pink Panther. Peter Sellers has a movie called Being There that is in my top five movies. Top five?

Oh, it is brilliant. Top five. Top five. One of the most brilliant movies you've ever seen your life. When the movie ends, if you're not touched, you need to hang yourself because it's that beautiful of a fucking movie. I forget the lady's name that's the star of that movie with him. She's fucking tremendous. But it's a movie that's about God, to be honestly, it's about God.

And a friend of mine, that was her favorite movie. And she passed from cancer. and she was a regular at the store. And she's the one before she died to tell me to stop doing blow. And I listened to her. And I stopped and I was clean. So that movie to me was like a sign. It's time for you to go back to the store.

So I did the colonoscopy Monday morning. And I was at the store Tuesday night with a rotten asshole. You know what I'm saying? So, so. Actually, I love my colonoscopy. Me too. I love getting all that shit out of there. I'm going back this next day that Michael Jackson juice.

I mean, because I'm sober 35 years. I haven't touched anything since I was 15, not a drink or a drug. So to go in and get a colonoscopy and, you know, kind of get a free pass. You know what I'm saying? Oh, you mean the little cocktail? Do.

And they gave me that Michael Jackson shit. Woo! I woke up. I was like, wow. Wow. It's fucking great. Don't they gave it to me for the knee surgery. My doctor had smoking hot chicks, these Spanish girls.

You know, I thought I was going to go in and fucking have some old, retchety nurse. I didn't care if I was naked. I walked in. My doctor has two smoking hot nurses that are assisting on this. And my, I mean, good. My asshole, you know, maybe when I was younger, I had a nice asshole. Now it's just fucking terrible. My dick.

I knew my dick. I was trying to fluff up before I went in. Just to have at least a little piece. I mean, it was a fucking nightmare. Nightmare. That's only that bummed me out. There's the two hot nerves. But everything else is fantastic.

That's terrible when you have a female helping you with something. And you have an embarrassing. Like, I take the testosterone pill. But it makes your pee smell like fucking debt. Like when I'm on it for 30 days, it makes my pee smell horrible. And I'm doing the soprano movie in September, New York. And I got to keep pissing, but I'm so nervous from the fucking COVID. And the people are yelling at you to put your mask on, to stay away, six feet.

And I went to piss at one time. And my piss was like splattered from my heart beating. I guess my PSA numbers were high that day. And when I put my dick back in my shorts, like another ounce of piss came out. so I could smell the pee all day when I was sitting there talking to Ray Leota I could smell the pee from my fucking own dick in my nose

so at the end of the day I told the wardrobe grugga come here because she was a good lady I put a 50 in her hand they go listen don't smell the pants wash them don't smell them don't smell the shirt the bottom of the shirt's got that horse piss on it it was fucking horrible but

I remember one time I went to the doctor his office, I was 400 pounds, Robert Kelly. And they put you on a thing to do the EKG. And it was a small office and the doctor goes, all right, get up and the doctor put his hand out. And when I went to get up, I blew

a tremendous fart. I'm talking world-class noise, length, that last ta, ta, ta, when it gives you that last backfire from your asshole. Let me tell you something. Everybody just looked at the chick was hotter than fuck and everybody just stared at each other.

in the doctor's office and I immediately got up and got in front of the door so nobody can get out and I blocked their fucking way and they're both looking at me making believe they can't smell this debt and it's pure debt that smelled like Piscataway New Jersey it was fucking it was fucking horrible do you understand me yeah there's nothing worse than hot chicks in the doctor's office when I was younger I remember when I was younger I used I mean I was shredded I was It was fucking, I mean, gorgeous. I mean, I, I, I went to the hospital a couple of times. And I got, I was like, yeah, I'll fucking take my clothes off.

I used to get naked like Brad Pitt. And I actually had a couple, a couple nurses comments on like my body. It was weird. But now it's if I went into, I had to get, I had a little nugget. You know what I mean? My dick had some more wounds from from being a piece of shit for a long time, you know? and I had to get my my st, make you check.

And it was a fucking hot chick. Comes in. She's like, put this over your penis. I'm like, God damn. And I'm trying to get it big. You know? And then she's like, she's like, pull it. Like stretch it.

And I'm like, ah, I stretch my dick. Because it wasn't big enough for her to stretch my dick out. Because she had to look at my dick. The doctor comes in. He's fucking. It was a nightmare. And my dick was just frightened. My dick was like, I'm out.

I'm gone. Just trying to go back in my body. I think Dicks get scared when they go to the doctor's office. There's something up with Dicks because my dick shrinks the fuck up when I go to doctor's office. Yeah, my dick goes only one time when I was, I worked at a Jewish camp. I worked at a Jewish camp as a lifeguard for a summer back in the day. And I got a rash. I got baby rash on my thigh.

And the nurse or the doctor, whatever, the camp doctor, smoking hot. I mean, fucking ridiculous. And I went in to say, you know, hey, I got rash. And she goes, well, let me see it. And so I pulled down my pants. And she got down on her knees in the doctor's office to examine my side of my side of my. my balls. And I just remember my dick shot straight up in the and I remember she actually looked up. She went up with it like this. And I just went, I'm sorry. She goes, it's okay. And it made it even

harder when she said it's okay. And she didn't do anything. Unfortunately, I didn't have the balls to make that move. You know what I mean? It was that second where you're going to go, you know, she wants this? You know, and I just, I pussyed out like an ass. one of the biggest regrets of my life. That's the worst. What doctor gets on her knees? That's like, just give me some cream and tell me to beat it. You don't have to fucking look at it.

It's baby rash. I was playing tennis and old underwear. I mean, what are you going to do? Let me see it. All right, what are you? She wanted it. And I fucking left. And you dropped the fucking ball, Bobby Kelly.

God damn. I can't take anywhere. Yeah, now nobody wants to. Nobody wants to. No, listen, I've said it for years. since I turned, I had my daughter, it's been weird. Like, you go on the road and girls say stupid things to you and you like giggle and say, yeah, whatever.

And I'm like, you don't understand. You don't want to see my dick right now. I'm 58. This is scarring you. This is PTSD. This is, you're never going to survive this shit. These young girls that think this is a joke. It's like these young girls that keep pressing charges on Marilyn Manson.

What did you expect? You didn't think he was going to light your pussy on fire? Listen to his fucking lyrics, you fucking asshole. Well, I dated him and he stuck a candle up my ass. You're lucky. You're lucky. I want to put a sailboat up your ass with fucking Marilyn Manson. What are you fucking nuts?

You know, you get what you pay for, cuck suckers. What do you think was going to happen? These little cute white girls want to date Marilyn Manson. He ties them up. He puts a ball in their mouth. And then they want to fucking call the L.A. Times. What are you crazy? The L.A. Times ain't got to help you.

If a girl likes me, if a girl, if they're like, If there's a hot chick that comes up after the show and she's into me, I know there's something mentally wrong with her. Yes, me too. When they say stupid shit, I'm like, what is she talking about? She's into this.

Like she has a thing for dudes with tits and a belly button hernia and dead toenails. You know what I mean? That's her thing. She's into some weird shit. If I even get a blow job, I'd have to do it with socks on because if you see my fungi toenail, they die. You put T3?

all on them? I did all of it. I'm done. They're what they are. You got to go to CVS and puts T T T T TRI all on them. My wife makes me paint them black when we go on vacation. I painted them this weekend because I knew I was going in a pool. I just painted the clear.

But they're getting better. It takes a year with the Tietri oil. But at least my feet don't smell like fucking a lowest Deter no more with the old popcorn. I would take my shoes off. My fucking fungi toenail is and I would grind it. I take the grind. and I grind it and then I take powder and I would sniff it and I would put in like a

container like cocaine and I would throw it at Lee when we were doing the podcast tremendous. Robert Kelly, where are you at this weekend? I'm at Napa Knock, New York at the paper mill up in the upstate New York and the boondocks. They got this awesome club, this awesome place called the paper mill and I'm going to be there Saturday night. Okay. And where are you at next week? I think next week, Joey, I'm at this gig.

I got this gig in Key West. See, that's what I'm doing. I'm booking myself at clubs that I like and like Key West. Comedy Key West. So I'm going to Comedy Key West, the 17th, 18th, and 19th. And I'm staying the 20th, which is fucking great. And then I'm going to, I mean, I'm going to fucking Vegas. I'm going to go to the Comedy Works in Vegas.

I'm doing all these clubs that I like Going to Vassanis You do, did you do Vassanis yet? No, where is that? Ah, dude, it's down in Florida Port Charlotte They'd fucking, you'd murder Fucking great club Place packs out

The fucking fans of the shit So I'm only working places I really like to work You know, you know When you work and work, you'll just take a gig and blah blah blah Right, right I don't want to do that shit I don't want to put my self-esteem out there And be fucked up

So I'm going to work places I really like. This guy who does the Knappanoch thing, he does a bunch of stuff in Jersey to a lot of good places. So, you know, I'm looking forward to it. But Key West, I've never been to Key West. You know Mike Kalta? I know the name. He'd love the DJ, the DJ, right?

The radio. He's down in Tampa. Yeah, he used to be in Chicago, right? No. No, okay. He's the Tampa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that is. Yes, he's a great guy in Tampa.

Okay. He's coming down with me. We're going to vacation together. Okay. I'm going to take my time with stand up. I'm going to see how I feel in the next month. I assume that I'll be in stage, on stage, after the soprano movie comes out, especially in New Jersey. I'm going to try to get a little residency, maybe at the Borgata, one of the small rooms or something, just to stay active.

Because of my daughter, I'm not going to do weekends no more. I'm not traveling. There's too much action here during the week. I got him And I want to just do maybe Friday nights somewhere One show I'm not doing two shows yet

Right I'm gonna go back into this very slowly I like my life I like what I'm doing with the girls And I've already done 30 years of comedy I gotta prove nothing to nobody You know what I'm saying I just gotta be funny

For an hour and get the fuck out of that I feel the same way I do I mean I gotta do these gigs Because I'm a look I'm a club That's how I make my money. That's my job. That's what we do. That's what we do.

But I feel you on the kid stuff, man. I'm around my kid as much as I can be around him because I fucking love it. I love it. I love the evolution of all this shit. You know what I mean? I love that I feel like I did it right. I had a lot of fun at the beginning of it. I worked my twad off.

I didn't, you know, for years, but I didn't even know it was work because I loved it. It was my passion. You know, I was banging. comedy. Stand-up comedy was my chick for a long time. Me too. And now it's like I'm good man. I like being in the backyard. The whole world has changed.

My whole thing is different now. I was at my kid's baseball game at an umbrella, had a big fucking rainbow umbrella. I had my little ice coffee. I'm sitting there screaming you know, fucking my kid who's playing baseball. I'm like, this is it. I never thought

I'd be this. I'd never thought that that shit would get me fucking high. But now this is the shit that's getting me high. He's hanging out with the kid. Barbecue in the backyard. Smoking a cigar. Throwing a fucking ball to my dog. I mean, I'm loving

life right now. So. Bro, we both have had the same lives because we rocked in the beginning. This was everything to us. And then God blessed us with a wife and a child. And now we have a, we have to balance career and family.

And it's harder than when we were single, you know, when we were single, you don't give a fuck. You get up a two. You get your dick sucked. You get a wart who gives a fuck. You know what I'm saying? You give it to somebody else. I passed out warts like a motherfucker.

They used to call me the ward whisper. You know what I'm saying? But Bobby Kelly, I love your cock sucker. Stay in touch. And thank you very much for doing this. And I'll come up to the house one day and we'll sit in the yard and we'll talk some shit. I got to shoot a movie this week. So I'll be in your neck of the wood.

this week. All right. Come up. Come up. Hang out. Smoke a bad. How far are you from Astoria? All right. Call me. How far are you from Astoria? Fucking 25 minutes. No, 25 minutes. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow.

All right, buddy. Sounds good. I love you, brother. Stay black. Love you too, buddy. Take care. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I hope you enjoyed Rob Kelly. He's a great guy. We had some great fucking laughs. A couple giggles. Sorry, I talked about my dick. You don't need that in your life.

It's getting uglier by the day. But at least I'm honest with myself. I'm not over here. taking dick pics and putting them on Instagram and sending them to people. There is no dick picks of me. There is ball pictures out. You people could all take a picture of my balls when I did it on the comedy store thing. But there's no dick pics.

Nobody gets a dick pick from Uncle Joey. That's 20 of life. No parole. And I advise you not to send dick picks. You understand me? Nothing good could happen from a dick pick. They want to see your dick. They got to see it live like a peep show.

You know what I'm saying? Look through a fucking hole and see it. I don't give a fuck how they do it. Listen, the joiners. to you today by CBD Lion. Great fucking CBD. I've been with them for four or five years. They helped me through the surgery. As you can see

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right now. Do yourself a favor and do me a favor. All right? When you sign up, use promo code Joey, and you can turn a dollar into a hundred fucking dollars, okay? That's code Joey, and here's the fine print. You got to be 21 or older. New Jersey, Indiana, PA only.

New customers only. Restrictions apply. See draftkings.com slash boardsbook for details. Now, do you have a gambling problem? I hope not. If you do, call 1-800 gambler. If you're in Indiana, call 1-800 with it. But if you ain't got no motherfucking problems,

Download the Draft King's Sportsbook app right now. They also have a fantasy. Don't confuse. Don't get confused. That's what I did. I download the fantasy, but I ended up hitting the fucking

parlay and winning a thousand bucks. I took my fucking money out and I just kept on the Draft King's Sportsbook app. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app and go to work. Like I told you, if you got a problem, fucking mind your business.

But if you can just get away with betting 25 bucks and having a good time, Draft Kings is for you. Plus they have the casino. And that's it and that's that. I love you guys. Thank you for watching the motherfucking Uncle Joey's joint. I hope you enjoyed Robert Kelly.

And I'll see you motherfuckers tip-top Magoo next Monday, ready to fucking go Father's Day week. I love you.