The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 07/24/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #100

Episode Date: July 25, 2013

Thank you to everyone who has listened over the past 100 episodes. It means the world to us. Get ready for 100 more! Jpey and Lee rock it solo today. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by huluplus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Recorded on 07/24/2013

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Oh shit. For you motherfuckers that don't know, it's that day. It's the beginning of your fucking world. Beginning of your life, baby.

The church of what's happening now. On a Wednesday. Who's better than you? Oh shit. Oh shit. Lee Syatt is making this fucking Yamaka aerodynamic. Uncle Joey's getting ready to rock with you. Smoking, snorting, fucking sucking.

It's Wednesday. Writing down your goals, washing your feet, doing some jumping jacks. Hit it lead, this bad motherfucker. Oh shit. Oh shit, Lee. Bring that motherfucker on. I'm homely. What are you kidding me or what?

Pull it out. Come in the right ball. Here you go. It's Wednesday, cocksucker. Get it. Are you kidding me? Or what? What's happened, Lysayat, you bad little motherfucker you? Nothing. I've been wondering for a while. Do you have one of those foot baths or are you doing it in the shower? Like, you always, you talk about washing your feet more than anything.

And I, like, where do you wash your feet? I wash it with my hands. I get the fucking, I put soap on it, and I get the wash cloth, and I scrub it. I scrubbing between the toes. And I still find green shit. I don't understand how that fucking works. My wife's like, you know, you got mold growing in between your little fucking talk. Filthy cock suck. This is July 24th.

Oh, shit. Big two weeks coming on. 2013, are you kidding me? Or what? I hope you're having a great... I don't even feel like the fucking summer. I don't even feel like the fucking summer. Like, it's hot, but it don't feel like the fucking summer.

I got to do something. I think it's because, like, at least for me, I'm still... I still remember the days when I go out summer vacation. I haven't, I was thinking about it the other day. And the two and a half years I've been here, the only time I've been out of L.A. is one week a year at Christmas time. I haven't had any, like, it's something you get used to as a kid.

You get three months off. You get a week off every couple months in the spring. There's no time off. There's no fucking time off, man. It's just amazing how. Yeah, you're right. When you're a kid, you get the summers off, you jingle, you jump up and down. You run on the fucking street.

And you go back once the leaves come. Remember when the leaves are coming to East Coast? That's when you fucking know. Here, we get no leaves. We got mexing it. We got no fucking leaves. Well, they're probably a little bit darker at the end of the summer. Remember when you get the fucking leaves?

Once you get the leaves and you're walking home and kicking the fucking leaves in the fall, whew, whew, whew, whew, that's just a great day. We used to take bricks and put them on the street and cover the bricks with fucking leaves so the car could hit them and shit. You put them in the street? In the fucking street. I thought you put them on the sidewalk. I know a lot of people would put, like, tons of leaves.

on the side of the street we would take like 12 inch block and put like 10 of them on a fucking thing and cover them with fucking and then sit in the bushes and wait for somebody to drive by and hit that fucking wall and somebody would always hit it

because I think it was a pile of leaves of course I was just got tremendous tremendous this is like the difference between us I was just gonna be like you remember when you would jump on the crunchy ones or you'd jump in a big pile of them and you're telling me a story when you keep the fucking trick cars and a fucking

that's all you'd hear boom and awesome The guy would get out, fuck you. And we'd be running no weeds and shit because that's what we'd stay there and wait for the possum to fall into the old. Jesus. Interesting day yesterday.

You know what I love about life? What? That you learn something new, either about something or about yourself every day. Every year Comic-Con, my brother, George. He's not my blood brother, but he's as close as it gets to my brother comes out to work Comic-Con.

Every year he breaks my balls about going down there. After 10 years, he's finally giving up. He's like, well, you're not going to come down. I'm not going to come down. I love George. But I've written my goals a little bit too much. It goes to my day. Again, people look at me and listen to me in the podcast.

They think, like, oh, I just wake him to the moon, and I slither around like a fucking snake. They don't know that I'm up to the minute. And now they only have five hours a day because of the babysitting and one with them, I'm even more up to the minute. Yeah. Like all that shit.

So I know what's coming. I know that I'm going to end up going to San Diego, having to pick him up, or driving to the airport, it's three days. And I had a heavy Monday and Tuesday. The schedule lately in my life is it's heavy Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday is a, and then Thursday I'm on a fucking plane. But when I'm home, there's nothing.

You don't understand. Sometimes I'm having a good time with you, with my wife, the baby, and I don't want to go on a road on a Thursday. But I have no option because there's nothing really going on. It's not like I have an audition. In the old days, I get nothing. audition for a huge movie and have to cancel and all controversy and people be mad at me.

I have to cancel Thursday night. That doesn't happen no more. Yeah. In this thing. So yesterday I was a little busy. You know, I had some shit Monday and I had some shit yesterday. So Monday he wanted to go to his buddies in Long Beach and he didn't even going to come up yesterday. I was a little angry because I didn't know how I was going to fit them in.

I don't like people visiting me, especially people like that because I can't cater to them 150%. Because I'm always doing something. Whenever somebody comes to visit you, you know, I don't have a job. My job is whenever. You know what I'm saying? But usually for me to get busy, two things have to happen.

A, I either have to get ready to get out of town or B, somebody comes to visit me. It's an automatic. As soon as somebody says, I'm coming to see you, they're coming on Thursday night at 2 in the afternoon or something. I'll get an audition at 1.30. Yeah. It's just the way life is.

It's just the way life is. You can't do it. So sure enough, he wants to come up yesterday, and I got a thousand things to do. Yeah. Went to the doctor yesterday. My blood pressure was one night. 95 over 105 when I got there yesterday.

Is that bad or that's fucking really bad? Okay. That's how stressful I was. I had to go to Culver City. Oh, that's why. That's why. Right there. The old Laurel Canyon was bumper to bumper.

At 10th day in the fucking morning, you know. So in all of this, he wants to get a ride up. So I get him the train schedule, the whole fucking deal, my wife. Finally, Edgar, a good dear friend Edgar, decides to pick him up and bring him up. Okay. And I'm in the middle of all this. I got something late. So I had a 530.

I had a 7.30 last night. I wanted to work out last night. His plane was at 9.45. So that takes you from like 6.30 to... Yeah. So I said, what though? No, I couldn't even see him. So he finally...

I got brought him about three. I met him at three. I took him over to see the baby. Him, myself, and my wife went over to the slinging door barbecue. And I had some chicken breast, you know, in a salad and whatnot. Didn't touch the cornbread. We didn't get no fucking bread. We didn't get no fucking bread.

Yeah, didn't touch the cornbread, nothing. You know, I just, I'm really serious about this now. And I had a, I got him a cab. You know, I gave him some cash, and I got him a cab, and they took him to LAX, you know, God knows. And I don't mind driving somebody to the airport, but LAX is a complete different animal. You don't know what time.

You might hit traffic on the way down, or you might hit traffic on the way back. He had three hours to kill. I'll tell you, as soon as I gave him, as soon as I put him in the cab, my heart broke. You know, like I told my wife, go, I have acquaintances in my life. This is family. Last week

in the Philly, a lot of great people showed up and I was really happy. And that's one of the things I thought about. Even Danny B. Wins, that guy's a good, dear friend of mine. Like, Danny B. Wins blew my mind last week. I finally looked over and said, this motherfucker loves me for who the fuck I am with all the stories

and all the craziness. I mean, he follows me. We go on the road now together. We go to eat. We laugh. I got him high with a she-bo-choo. I fucked him up. He with it that somebody mickeyed him the next day at the bar. He didn't know the strength of Cheebo. You know, Lee, I have acquaintances, and I have these guys that are, you know, 35 years in,

I've been running with them. You know, when I went upstairs, my wife said, what's a man? I go, I feel terrible about George that I couldn't give him a whole day of just Joey, getting him high, eating, cracking jokes. George is like you.

I've never really seen a sweetness in a man like you and George. You're very, very sweet for him. man. George is a very sweet guy. We were laughing yesterday in front of the guy. He would do heroin. He'd go into the city. He got a bag of heroin. But he also stopped to get you a sandwich. And he'd get your rolling papers. You know, he always thought of you. Even when he was on the fucking heroin, he always thought, what pisses me off about George is he's everybody's

fucking doormat. When everybody wants to get moved, they call George. When everybody needs a barrow thing, they call George. When I have a party, they don't call George. And that's what burns me up about people. That's why I don't like certain people because they take advantage of people. Yeah. He's very sweet. You have the same quality. You're very sweet. I was just heartbroken the rest of the night last night because

I've known George three months before my mother died, I met George. Three or four months. At summer school, right? Yeah, July of 79. It is 2013. That's close to 34 fucking years, right?

Yeah. 21 and fucking 13. And how long did you live with him? You lived with him and his grandma for a while, right? You know, here I am outside. I'm confused. I'm casing fucking houses. I take a bus up to Bergen County, the case of joint.

You know, the case of block. Yeah. I would case blocks, you know. I was there at one time. I saw that there was a good actor on the block. And I'm walking, and there's George, you know, landscaping, you know. And he opened me his home. And let me tell you something, man.

That's four months. I stayed with him 85. was what I needed. It got me some sleep. I had a shower. I had warm meals. I put money together. I did a lot of crime

when I lived there. Those four months. A lot of petty thief shit. But all I was trying to do was glue that conduit together. I stayed under the radar. There were people looking for me. Nobody knew where the fuck I was.

You know, I really shut it down. And I think of George is somebody who, when I get to call or his death or when he gets a call on my death, the remaining years of this plan, they're going to be tough. they really are. That's how good of friends I am with them.

Yeah. And it's just amazing that at this age I'm out here, and I tell you, 10 years ago I didn't need George out here. Now at this age I need somebody out here. I'm to that age where I need somebody who I hang out with like that, that's tight with me, who I grew up with. They don't need to just see them once a week and have coffee at them. It would be pretty fucking good in my life.

That would really fill the void in my life. Fuck Greg Schmitt called me yesterday I gotta call him back too He's a he's daddy bee's cousin But that's what happened with George yesterday Really ate me alive that I couldn't give him 20 hours You know when I go to New York

George gives me the week But then again George don't give a fuck about anything He don't give a fuck about his job He just lives you know I have a schedule You know I have that I have to do it like George had to sit with me yesterday for now I watch the baby

The 10 minutes before she goes to bed. It's a nightmare. When she's tired, she don't want to see nobody, she doesn't want to giggle. She just, you have to bend her over pretty much, like hold her on her side and play with her and kiss her and tell you love her and then she'll fall asleep. You know, she'll start making these noises, ah, ah, and you look down and her eyes are closed. It's over.

So he had to sit there with me, and it was weird that this was, I knew him when I was 14, 15, and here I am holding a kid in front of him. He's, my original daughter's gone for. Oh, really? He's Jackie's godfather. That's crazy. He's godfather, George. He really is.

So when you said you were mad when he said he wanted to come up, it's like you weren't mad at him, you were mad at like yourself because you knew you couldn't do it? I'm mad at the situation because I wish I'd give him more. I wish I'd give him more. When people come out of here, after the James thing, I got really embarrassed and I got really done on my life because I don't do much.

I don't do much. It's amazing. I don't do much. And I don't know how to describe that to people. I get the fucking creeps when I'm in a goddamn bar now. Yeah. You mean you don't do mine socially? Socially.

I get the creeps when I'm in a fucking bar. You know, I get the creeps when I'm somewhere. I'm not supposed to be for that long, like a comedy club. I got to get the fuck out of that. I'm going to get the fuck out of it. I'm usually not. So I got to get the fuck out of there. You know, it's just the...

But the George thing really fucking destroyed me yesterday. I don't know why. I missed those relationships. Like Mike Runny didn't show last week, but he's coming to D.C. Okay. I'm telling Obama's wife to shave that monkey. Papa's coming to D.C.

You might not come back. They might throw me in fucking jail. August 20-something. I'm going to the D.C. improv. I'm fucking excited. But now that Mike's going, he's going to spend the night in the hotel with me. He's bringing his wife. I'm really fucking excited about that.

I can get some good Chinese food in D.C. Speaking of a witch man. You know, we talk about A hundred. You and I, we talk about working out and everything. When I first got into the working out thing, water boxer, cocksucker. When I first got into the working out thing, it was about 418 pounds.

And I would walk around the neighborhood every morning when Terry would, I started walking Terry to the train. Yeah. And I would walk to Highland and cut down to Selma and walked to my house. about a mile and trust me in those days that was a lot so I did that for two weeks

and then after I did that that started like in November of 2009 I guess 2008 I guess 2007 when I got off the blow that was my thing to start and after two or three weeks of that I started going to a boxing gym and walking so I would

do my walk five days a week plus I would go to the boxing gym one day a week then I would go two days a week then I would go two days a week then I didn't cooperated swimming. So I would swim twice a week. So I would walk five days a week.

I would box two days a week and I would swim two days a week. And I got on the scale one day and I gained like two pounds. So I got pissed. I said, that's it. I got to figure something out. So I kept walking. I kept boxing. I went a little longer. I had macafoli, break down some techniques with me, hit the bag, to teach me to burn all this shit.

And that time, I worked, man. It felt like. Like I was working. That's when I used to wear two pair of underwear and I pee my pants if I couldn't breathe. And I'd work and work and work. And that time I dropped like fucking nine pounds. But I was still drinking coax.

You know, I cut down on the breakfasts and I cut down on dinner after seven. And I didn't feel like I lost enough weight to justify that. And in that process, I went to the doctor, the same doctor I went to yesterday. Okay. And he's a great guy. His name is Dr. Soleimani.

just a dynamite guy and he said to me you're a good guy that you should consider losing weight maybe you should do one of the surgeries and that really lit a fire crack up my ass i went home and i said fuck the surgeries i'll control the diet and then i read an article that said that you have to really control your diet it doesn't you could jump up and down for fucking hours so last weekend i get back from fucking philly sunday and i get on the scale and i'm 309 pounds So I've been stuck at 309 for the last fucking three months. Yeah. Do, you know, I do weight watches, but do I do it religiously to the metric?

Not really. Am I going over 100 points a day? Not really. Am I going over 80? Not really. Ever since they changed the point system, I'm right there. I keep it from 44 to 54, maybe 60. But I may be doing something wrong.

Like, I may be, like, eating peanut butter at night when I get in or not enough fruit. I'm just stuck there. Yeah. I was a little down on myself. I came back from Philadelphia. I saw some pictures. And I was like, you know what? I got to kick this up or not.

Pictures are the worst when you're big, because even if you feel like you're looking good, you're like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, and I saw some pictures, and I got it. I go, wow, I got to figure something out. And I got an email. Very interesting email about it.

And he said something very interesting in the email that I noticed that everybody else overlooked. He said that, hey, man, I'm not here to bust your balls, who disrespect you. I know that, you know, you like the points and blah, blah, but what are they doing for you? You know, he goes, I could tell, but, blah, he goes, I'm just writing out to you because I don't want another one of my favorite fucking people to die.

He goes, nobody even mentioned how big Gandafini was after his death. Oh, is he huge? Oh, he was huge, Gandafini when he died. Oh, okay. You know, they're waiting for the autopsy right now. I don't mean to talk about dead people, but they said the night he died, he ate like fucking 19 shrimp cocktails or fried food or whatever. And I knew from different people that I had spoken to that,

he was a big eater. You have to take care of yourself. And maybe he didn't exercise or whatever. So I'm exercising. So what? So I'm doing shit with 309 pounds. You know, I'm going for shots from my fucking knees. I can't find fucking clothes half the time.

You know, I'm having a hard time breathing in jujitsu. That all comes down to my fucking weight. Yeah. So no matter how the fuck I cut it, I got to get back on basics. So this guy writing me this note, I wrote him a note back. And it was like, The borderline was insulting, but I understood what he was saying with it, because that's what you need to do sometimes.

You're not insulting somebody. You care for them. You're taking the time, and that's how he wrote it. He even said, if you don't want to reply, you want to block me on Twitter. There's my Twitter handle, I understand. And he was right, you know. I'm wasting my fucking time. I go to kickboxing at night.

That shit's fucking hard. Yeah. That shit's fucking hard, you know? And I'm watching the kids in there, and I'm watching me at my age. And guess what, Lee? He's exactly right. He goes, you're improving your cardio, but you're building fucking muscle. and I'm getting heavier and heavier

and there's nothing wrong with that but it's 309 pounds yeah you're gonna get lower before you start building muscle it's 309 pounds I wouldn't mind going down at 220 or 215 is the lap band the fucking answer what it was because at this age your metabolism

you know I walk the baby every moment I leave here I go home I eat oatmeal eat some fucking fruit and I gotta walk around in circles with the goddamn baby you figure you lose fucking you know whatever and I tell you what? About a month ago, I went down to 301. Because I went

for the doctor and he was like, you look a little light and I went home and I'm like, oh, the motherfucker ain't bullshit to me. And that's one of those weeks I did the epileptical. So I think I'm just going to do the jihitzo in the epileptical for two months. Focus on it. There was a guy that went to Eddie's and just really, really focus on my fucking diet. Because it really is

all diet. I can't fucking believe this shit. Yeah. And I feel great. You know, I fainted Monday. What happened? My fucking shot in the knee. I freaking fainted. Did he see you like what was different? God damn it.

I got there, you know. I get there, everything's cool. Everybody's at Uncle Dory. I know the office, you know, at the town of Marina del Rey. And I go down there and I fucking sit down and sure enough, Dr. Nicola comes in who I love. And I got to be honest with it was just a little prick.

I just felt like a scab that somebody picked that like that. And then he goes, hold on. We got to do the second one in there. And this time they put an x-ray machine on to see where the thing is going to shoot behind the kneecap and you can feel it in there you know and he took it out and that was okay I kept breathing and all of a sudden as I go to

swing my leg around the fucking stupid nurse without knowing God bless her soul she goes hold on Mr. Diaz can I wipe your leg you have a lot of blood there god damn it she didn't even know she was trying to be sweet she didn't know if she wouldn't open her fucking mouth and just wipe that would have been okay

and all of a sudden bro I went into a tail spin and the next thing you know my fucking the skunk came out when my body shoots a little bit of fucking sweat. I could feel that ball of sweat going down the back of my neck. And it's always over after that. It's four or five minutes. And I'll tell you what, I kept,

you know, because one of the exercises that this lady gave me, you know, besides the island of fucking Serenity was also to tell myself I was going to get through this. Which is true. You're going to get through this. You'll be fine. So what if you fall? So what if you... So,

uh, that, that's my fucking Dale. So that, once I pass out, It fucks me up for the week. Like, how long did you pass out for? I don't fucking know. I don't have the, what do you think? I'm the fucking alarm clock. But it's not like, it's not like you woke up hours later.

It's like a couple of a minute. You pass out for like a minute and a half, but it's a minute and a half of hell. It's like being in a gay glove and passing out, everybody's kicking you with their dicks or something like that. That's what it's fucking feel like. That, you know, you just wait. Everybody's watching you. You know, I know when I got out of there, it was pale as fuck. My body needed a jump start.

I had to stop across the street. There was no restaurants around. I had to go get chill. cheese Doritos and put like three of them in my mouth and throw the bag away just to because my body just falls fucking apart I mean my mental my everything I had to get like a green tea with lemon in it or whatever something has to happen to your body when you pass out like because your your body thinks it's going like isn't it like a defense mechanism like it thinks something bad's going to happen so like completely shuts down I don't know

what you bother me for you not dr. Diaz no I don't get a white shirt on it could be a white coat You don't know? No? I just went down. You know, there's a lot of things. But that particular wasn't one of the usual passouts. Like, she really took the anxiety pass out of it. It was less severe.

I just got the beginnings of it because I could control it. But it still felt like shit. Yeah, I can't feel good. And I got to go for two more. I got two more fucking Mondays of that shit. But you know what? You walk in there with a good attitude? Like, if I walk in there half beat, I got the fucking iPod on, you know,

so I don't hear the romewere. rapper and I don't hear nothing. That's 60% of the fucking battle. Yeah. Where's the music league? It's fucking Wednesday and I play no music for me. You gotta get together when you're slipping. Mmm. Hmm. Oh shit.

Get up. It's July. You know what? College is right around the fucking corn. A lot of you motherfuckers, go to your local classes. See what they're teaching this year. Let's all take a class on Tuesday nights. Have you started that yet? No, I haven't started yet. I'm going down there like next Thursday. I called some fucking counselors.

or something. But people told me that to go online. People told me to show up. You'll hate online. Mix moves or all the mommies. That's where lead. The back of the club, Mackin' holes, my cruise behind me.

Mad question asking, assing, music blasting. But I just can't quit because... One of these... Lock my fucking dick. They're not have a secret. Why not? When we both got rocks.

Now check it. Oh shitly let me see you wiggle for pop a week. Oh shit You haven't wiggled on a week come on a bunk oh you gotta get up though you're sitting there like a fucking struits Two fucking players even when there's no video guys he makes me get on Gotta do it you got a fucking stretch a little bit let me see you wiggle oh shit Oh shit look at leon shit Give me a little fan like Batman over the eye Oh shit there you go

I have no hair to put gel in. I have, it's short for a reason. You didn't put no gel. A nice fucking guy gave me a picture in Philadelphia, a beautiful little fucking picture. I didn't bring it to hang of it. Nice picture. He drew a me and you and a bunch of little Jewish ghosts behind you. And I'm going to go with a fucking swat stick on fire.

Fucking tremendous. You know, it's like every Jew is like Charles Bronson. They all like vigilantes. These are Germans. I like it. They all remember. They all remember cocksucker. Lees Sireta had to

yell at you last night. I got very upset with you. Yeah. So let's set it up. I went to San Diego this weekend for my birthday, and then I went to the comedy show. In between, there was a party that I went to. And I had

some drinks, and the person I was with had some drinks, and then when I went to the comedy show, I was a little bit tipsy, but I had two pounds of steak at the palm and I wasn't I was like... Two pounds of steak. Yeah it was a pound. It was a 24 ounce

rib eye. So that's two an almost pound and a half. But the person I was with had more drinks because she wasn't driving but the entire other than seeing people I wanted to come I wanted to see the main reason I decided to go to the comedy show was so I could have a buffer time in between it.

And we stayed for about an hour and a half and when I left I was totally fine. Trust me, I'm paranoid of going to jail. So I don't, I don't, I'm not going to say I've never driven drunk because when I was younger, there was times I would make mistakes. But I did the, I went to the club for the entire purpose of not going out, of not driving home drunk. Since, since I've been on the podcast and, like, you know, when we first started, I wanted this to be like just you and I didn't even want a mic. But since we've been on it, I went on Twitter.

and I joke around but mostly it's just like listen to the podcast or stuff but every once in a while I think of a stupid joke and I was up for like 16 hours and when I got home from San Diego I tweeted a stupid joke that I deleted it said something like

I know what it's like to want a marathon because I got home from San Diego without falling asleep behind the wheel or getting a DUI it was a joke and some people who wrote to me and got mad and I responded to them I had stuff to drink that night but I would have like

I would have never taken a two and a half hour drive home drunk and you said some people wrote to you and it's kind of like what the guy emailed you you got mad at me but it wasn't like you were you were mad you like you spent most of the time just saying like you know I you wouldn't want to like see me in jail or stuff like that uh in the five testicle testament albums

yeah in the fucking 200,000 hours man I was a podcasting or talking to you people at home I've never mentioned the story about driving drunk Yeah. You guys know, if anybody knows about somebody who doesn't give a fuck about society of life, you're looking at it right now. I don't mind a person being fucking nuts. I don't mind.

I'll tolerate anything. A person who does drugs, carries a gun, da-da-da. It's when you put other people at risk. Listen to how fucking the level I'm going to take you to. I hate when I hear about two. kids coming home and getting killed. You know, whatever. Kids, anybody. When you're in the news and you wake up in the morning,

you hear about two people driving home from a fucking church function get killed by two drunk drivers. Yeah. You're always fearful of... I'm more fearful of them. You know, I know what I'm going to fucking do. Yeah. I'm more fearful of the fucking people that are out.

I watch everything leave. When I'm in that fucking car, I watch fucking everything. That light, I'm looking at that light. The other day I saved a little boy. What happened? You know, I said the little boy, two blocks in my house. I saw it going down. I don't understand how, and that's why I watch everything.

I don't have time to be fucked up on the streets or be whatever. I love you, Lee. I do not believe in drinking and driving. I don't believe in getting an iron driving. I don't have weed in my fucking car. I have I weed in my fucking car. I get weed at the fucking house. I don't believe in drinking.

I don't believe in anything with the cost to the point where I think I could count on my one hand when I've had an alcohol drink. and, you know, done a show. Like, I'll get to a show and do it and hang out, and I won't fucking get in that car. I don't even believe on drinking at 8 o'clock and getting in the car at 11 o'clock because you're not a scientist

and I'm not a scientist. We don't know what the legal limit anymore. But listen, you want to punch somebody in the head because they call your wife or your girlfriend a cunt. You want to fist fight somebody. Whatever you want to do, I'll tell you, anything is not worth going to jail for a fucking DUI, not in today's world.

Yeah. It is. It's like having a scar letter on you. It's worse than having a felony. Yeah. You rather rob somebody than have a fucking DUI. It's a year of your life. You're not going to go to jail. They're going to find you. You're not going to be allowed to drive. You've got to take classes. You've got to go to AA meetings. I mean, you don't even let you have a job.

Yeah, I had a friend who was here. He got one. He moved back to Pittsburgh. But he, for some reason, I don't know, maybe it was multiple ones. but he had to, he had moved back to Pittsburgh he had to fly back to L.A. for a weekend because they were making him do a weekend in jail. They don't fuck around. They don't fuck around no more. So yeah. They found the fucking tax.

They found how to find you. Did you not read a month ago? They're trying to think of the lower in the limit? The, of making it lower than 0.08? Oh, geez. You can't, you cannot have it on your breath. Yeah. You without a driver's license to me, what are we going to do?

I got to pick you up to do everything. Yeah. It's 90 days minimum, right? Six months you lose your life. It has to be. Can you imagine you got to go to Santa Monica by bus? It wouldn't happen. It wouldn't happen.

You'd have to pack up and go home. That's why. I know you're falling in love, and I know it's beautiful. You're running through the grass right now. You can't drink and drive. Can't even have alcohol in your breath into society. Yeah.

She's the one that needs to get drunk to loosen her up. You're already, Luke. She's the fine fucking Jew. No more drinking and driving. No, yeah. And the funny thing is, for people who know me, I don't drink ever. That bottle of tequila we had,

that we had a shot, like a half a shot two weeks ago, I've had in that freezer for about seven months. I never drink. Now, I know for a fact that alcohol doesn't affect me because I don't let it affect me. Do you know what I'm saying? When I was a kid, it never affected me. You have a higher tolerance?

Just, I grew up in a bar. Yeah. I could do two shots of death and nothing that even happens to me. It's the way of the state. I probably do have a high tolerance to alcohol because I was in my system as a young kid and just... And I still don't mess with it.

Every night I go out, I want to drink. Do you know that? Yeah. Every night I go out, I look at the bar and I go, wow. The other day I flew on Virgin American, they give you free drinks. If they would have had Kalua, I would have made a white Russian with a fucking nutty taste to it with a whatever, whatever. Not Emmets, but Bayleys. Yeah.

I love Bayleys. I can drink Baileys on Rock. Shit. With a cigarette. Stop it. I'll be walking around like Sinatra and shit. Nobody even know what you drinking. Don't worry about it.

Bailey's on the rock. A little milk, a little fucking vodka in there, a little collua. Shit. You got yourself a high power to take the caloo out and put a little coke in there. A little cowboy white rush. You never had one of those? I've had white Russians. I've never had one of cooking.

You put two fingers of Coca-Cola in that, motherfucker. You get back to me. Oh, you made... It's called a Colorado fucking cowboy or something in it. I thought you meant, like, cocaine coke. I was like, what are you talking about? That's a complete different cocktail. You know what I'm saying?

That's when you get Ana Zet and mix it with Zambuca. And throw a little fucking cocaine on there and throw the fucking Jewish snobacco. no ball. What do you fucking do you think of you're doing this? I'm novicely. Joey Banan. That's what me and Loubs. It's funny that you told me yesterday to call Loops.

A lot of people don't know this is the 100th episode of you. We don't know who we were going to get as a guest. Then we decided fuck the guess. It's just me and Lee. This is how we started old school. First time I did blow, me and Loebbs were a sophomore in high school. Yeah. I was October of 79.

Me and Lillel Loobs went and bought a bottle of peppment shnaps, which is fucking disgusting. Yeah. Vodka and something else. But we also bought a bag of shaved ice. And we took cups and filled them with the ice and packed them with the ice, packed them back. Put three ounces of fucking vodka in there and like two fingers of fucking peppermintn shnaps. Yeah.

And we sprinkled it with cocaine and put in the freezer. That was our big thing when we saw it. And we did a couple of lines and we drank the peppermin shnaps and got a little fucked up. That's crazy. Oh, fucking crazy. that Lee. It's disgusting. You made like an alcoholic cocaine

snow cone. And it don't do nothing to tell you. There's nothing to tell you. Who the fuck are you kidding? Nothing. Nothing at all. It's a waste of cocaine and it's a waste

of peppermines shnaps. You know what I'm saying? Jesus. Lee, boom, boom, Say, yeah. A year ago, we sat down. You know, I love to doing beauty

and the beast. I really like getting together with Felicia. You were still doing it when we started? And, but I also knew that after eight or nine months, we were only going to grow that much.

I just knew it. I didn't know anything about the iTunes charts. I never looked at none of that stuff. That stuff didn't matter to me. I just knew it the podcast could grow so much. You know, Felicia had her boundaries. I don't have any fucking boundaries. You know, I have no fucking boundaries.

And that's why I wanted to take this to the next level. So I'm very happy you got together with me to do the church. Because it's a fucking expression. It's freedom. You know what I'm saying? It's like George Michael's fucking freedom. you just, there's a breadth of fresh year to do this. Yeah, we started it last September, I think, so it's been about 10 months.

August, probably, right? August, September, right around there. And it's been about 10 months. And I, I know, I mean, I always wanted you to do it. Just because I knew, like, I just, you always like doing morning stuff and you always go off and tell crazy stories. But, like, for me, I never, like, if you had asked me a thousand, like, name a thousand jobs you'd have. I would never have said doing a podcast. So it's been a crazy

8, 9, 10 months It's funny You started at first And you didn't want a microphone But I couldn't do a I couldn't sit here And talk by myself for a fucking hour I could not do that

I needed somebody to bounce ideas off And shit So I'm happy that You're really I remember the first time I asked you a question And your face turned so fucking red I was like God damn

But I'm happy I'm happy you're my friend I'm happy with putting this shit together every fucking daily and again it's uh you were looking at me when i was talking about george before that's a it's very rare guys half of you people who listen to the podcast at 33 32 and you're probably hanging with people at work or whatever and you probably talk to one person or two from high school at 33 and it gets weird at 33 you're still not ready for your 20 year anniversary and everything gets really weird when i pulled out of the car at the coffee shop and i went to see george he wasn't the

George I left, he had white hair now. Oh, really? What the fuck are you kidding? I got white hair now, you know? All of my friends got white hair, but it's just amazing that he was sitting there, and I could feel the heat from his vision looking at me and the baby, and I could feel what he was thinking. He was thinking about 30 years ago.

Yeah. He was thinking about the same thing I thought about Friday night when I was with Steve Ronnie and those guys. And I'm looking at this kid that I know where he used to hide his coke. and 30 years ago and now we're sitting there at a table looking at his grandchildren His grandchildren?

Yeah, Steve Runny's got a grandchildren Oh Steve, okay Philadelphia I mean he had two daughters with him And they each have kids So he's a grandfather at my age You know, it's just It's really something

You ask yourself where life goes Life fucking moves guys Life fucking moves Life, you know We're talking about the other being 25 That for me, I remember still starting stand-up. Like when I started stand-uply, I had tried everything one fucking time. Yeah.

And I knew if I got into stand-up, that I had to sink my fucking heart and soul into this motherfucker. I'm like, I got to sink my fucking heart and soul into this. And that's what I did. Listen to my stomach. I only had fruit. Oh, that was your stomach? I thought someone was walking by or something. No, that was my stomach, and that was corn flakes.

I had fruit and corn flakes of breakfast. I had a little bowl of cornflakes and a handful of strawberries. and blueberries with the axi-oxalance or whatever the fuck is. And it's eggs and bacon. For you people yesterday, Comedy Central, released Ari's thing, and it looks really sharp. I can only look at it for three minutes. I saw my fat fucking stomach and my fat fucking neck, and I couldn't watch the rest of it. But that is one of the craziest.

You know, a couple people attacked me online yesterday, and I'm lying, whatever, about the heroin. Let me tell you something, man. I never wanted to do heroin. heroin was the first time I think I passed out but I was awake it was like being drunk but you're awake and the next day like oh that night when I got home I thought I had just gone through and I kept thinking about a nun

you know I kept thinking about a nun and then I kept thinking about wherever I was I saw the Virgin Mary dancing you can't you know and I remember what the Virgin Mary was wearing like I still remember and I don't know if she was the Virgin Mary I don't know if I called it a Virgin Mary in my mind You know one thing I still remember that the scene The next day on the heroin

What I liked about doing heroin was the warmth Like this close to God when you're high You feel like you're warm But it didn't matter I was on this guy's couch But it felt like I was next to the sun Okay It's the weirdest things

I did I did blow so much that I don't have a memory I smoke so much pot I don't have a memory of smoking pot know what happens to me when I smoke pot. When I ate pills, I know I passed the fuck out. But the handful of times I did heroin, I always had a different experience.

But that one time a gun to Brown's house was the time that I thought that I understood why, in the back of my mind, I understood why God put heroin on this planet. Yeah. Like I left, that heroin experience made me real warm on heroin. Like, I was like, I got to do this again, but I can't. Yeah. Even at that age, I knew I wanted to do it again.

but I can't and if you're home listening to this I'm not advocating it by no means and I know half of years have done heroin one time or you tried or you're still on or whatever get the fuck off that shit but well not really do one or two more times and then get the fuck off it well what somebody said to me you did the wrong thing you shouldn't be tripping when I said the story I didn't describe it white like I usually do most of my things I should have talked about how when I went home that and then reflected them what happened to me you know Lee I saw I really loved my godmother growing up I loved women when I grew up.

My mother had good, solid women friends. And that night I saw every one of them. But the weirdest thing that I saw was I saw a nurse that night. Like when I got back to the Bender's house where I was living, I went in the living room that night and I drank a bunch of... And I was still fucked up. Don't get me wrong. That shit fucked me up until I woke up the next morning.

But for that piece, I was thinking about the woman who delivered me at the hospital. Who fucking thinks of that shit? Who remembers that woman? I didn't remember her. but for some reason I remembered every woman I remembered Mrs. Sabatino who was my lunch lady and for years

and she'd always wink at me and give me an extra lunch because she knew I like the sandwiches I give the apple to her son she had a younger son so I give him the milk and the apple and I keep the fucking salami terrible sandwich to the Oscar Meyer

now had your mom passed away when you did this or no I did the heroin yeah she had passed she had been gone maybe 14 months and I was just an emotional

mess and like I always tell people at that time at that time right there I could have been talked into suicide up to the time I was 17

I could have been talked into suicide and then Ozzy put that album out and it had the suicide solution and I thought about it at that time I was mind strong

I never thought of suicide but you could have talked me into suicide. Yeah. Because I missed my mother so much. The pain was so bad that I wish I could just go to sleep and meet her at that time. But I didn't have the balls to do it. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? I've discussed this before. It was terrible. I would never think of suicide, but I would have jumped from that thing over just to fall and wouldn't have called it suicide. You would have go, no, no, no. He didn't commit suicide. He went to jump and missed the roof.

Oh. I would have done something like that, so it would have looked like suicide. I just didn't have the boss to do it. Yeah. And that night when I did the heroin, when I woke up, like the next day, I felt really guilty because I never wanted to do heroin. It had crossed me into a different threshold of life. Yeah.

You can't return from it. Once you're a virgin, and they shove a dick up your pussy, you can't return from that. You're not a virgin, no, I don't care whether you bleed, whether you don't bleed, whether he didn't come in you, whether you didn't come. Once that dick goes in there and breaks that fucking skin and blood comes out, you can't re-fucking sew that motherfucker.

It's over for you. Yeah. And that's what I did that night by doing that. You crossed certain lines. When I did cocaine, that was a big, disgusting part of my life. Because in the back of my mind, I was never going to do cocaine. I was in a smoke pot, and I would have done acid. When I first did acid, it didn't bother me at all.

Why? Why the distinction? Because your mom did it, maybe? No, I just knew that a lot of kinky things had been done with acid. At that time, I had already known them with people. Oh my God, in 1952, the government, when you do acid, you know there's something to this. Yeah. Over any fucking drug.

You know when you do a blotter acid and it's good acid or you eat good mushrooms that you got something from it. I'm not a big mushroom guy. I never was. I never ate mushrooms till later on in Colorado, they gave me diarrhea. But good fucking acid, I'm on it because I know I'm going to get a lesson out of it. It's nine hours of accounts compounding that I'm going to get the answer. I'm going to get the answer to the fucking questions I need out of life. I'm going to get them that night.

But I'm not going to have a pen. I'm not going to remember them. It's like remembering a joke before you go to fucking sleep. That's what it's like. You know what I'm saying? It's like thinking of a joke and going, I remember it in the morning and waking up the next morning and go, I don't remember fucking shit.

Yeah. That's what it's like when you go on an acid trip. And at that time, I wanted the answers to why God had taken my mother. I wanted whatever the other young man wanted. I wanted love. I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted the answers to come to me. me and I couldn't get the answer

so I kept doing the acid and any time I had a brain fart at that age at 17 or 18 I would do it at acid because I really had nobody to ask yeah I had nobody to ask questions to so I really had a

and you're doing a lot then you were like you said you were going to go up to Pennsylvania buy it and like sell it I was doing acid every fucking night Jesus that was a point in my life when I was a sophomore and junior and that was early years during the week I would do acid and then some nights I would just do blow but I was always doing something

the pain was so bad that some nights I just did the acid and some night I just did the fucking blow it was just awful. Jesus. You know and some nights I did it together which is awful, you know? And it's so funny how this guy who was fucking breaking my balls on Twitter yesterday you know I remember one night doing blow

and hallucinating like I did acid in 80, in 80, 90, 80 I fucking took a furlough from the halfway house when they were allowed to get furloughs and I went to my in-laws and they put me in a trailer. They had a trailer in the property and I told them like, oh, you know what, I'm going to have a furlough. I can't

watch TV and I was like, why don't you stay in the trailer? I go, that's a great idea. I knew you were going to say that. They had like cable out there and you could stay up all night. My plan was to do blow out there all night. Oh, okay. And I brought home like a six pack of cores and I brought home like a quarter-ounce of this Coke boy. And after

the first fucking grandma Coke, I started fucking hallucinate not that. It was hard. You don't hallucinate on cocaine. But I had done so much, I think. I was up so long. The speed in it made me fucking hallucinate. I don't know what it was.

I kept seeing guys dressed in white with machine guns, those snow guys. You ever see the movie? The James Bond movie? Fighter. Yeah, well, some of James Bond in the early one, but what not Fighter. It's got fucking Marky Wallbrook.

Shooter. At the end, when he goes to the mountain. I know the movie. You never seen it either? What the fucking... Shooter? Who cares about shooter? I understand...

It's always on TNT. It's not that you care about shooter. It's that it's always on TNT, and eventually you go, let me watch 10 minutes of it. Did you watch Silence of the Lambs? Yeah. It's this weekend.

How many fucking people have complimented me on that choice right there? And if you don't watch the movie, you don't have any money, that's no reason to you. You can still go to the library and get it for fucking free.

Yeah. No, no, I'll watch it. I have to watch the conjuring this begin to, which I'm dreading. The what? The conjuring a fucking horror movie What's that for?

The girl wants to see it The girl ain't getting it You gotta watch Silence of Lance first Forget the conjure it No, I'll watch it this weekend Get together, Coxieck of the girl You hit my stomach Let me give some shout out

Let me give a shout out to Like I said, we've been We have a couple We've had a lot of people That support the podcast And love us and we love them My man Jordan Lee My man J.R. down there in Arizona

With his shirts helping us out Gus Gus right for dusk the girl wonder and Danny Pizzini I love you motherfuckers always you know what I'm saying

thank you guys let me tell you something else I really like that fucking thing from the Annet that's why I think I couldn't wake up this morning The night and day path? Yeah I really like that That's easiest shit

Go to fucking Onit.com Go to the box Pressing Church Here's what you gotta try Try those fucking pack things That I had the idea I didn't bring it with me today I don't know that

but it's got a little bit of everything in there. Like the daytime pack has the alpha brain. It's got the strong bone in there. The nighttime pack has the new mood and the shroom tech immune. So you sleep and you recover. It's a great fucking deal. I think they got some money off on it. Plus you get a discount for me, Uncle Joey.

Go take that pack. The pack thing. It's like a, I don't even know how many pack. It's a 15-day supply. Give it a fucking shot. If not, I'll tell you what. Again, last night, guys, like I told this guy, yeah, my cardio's improving.

I don't think so. I think it was that fucking shroom tech, because I made some, I did three or four shroom techs last night, 45 minutes before that class boy, and I was in tip-top shape when I left that last night. I feel a little sore this morning, but I'm all right.

I'm going to Jiu-Jit to tonight, so. Oh, shit. Savage, yeah. I got a big day to late. So it's perfect. Do it a 15-day pack? It's a 15-day pack. You got a night,

a day supply, would you take after breakfast? Yeah. And the night before you get home, you take away from an hour or two before you go to fucking sleep guys. this is a great deal because you get to sample everything that they order. So instead of paying $24.95 and get in a container 1,

you sample everything, you see how they mix and match and how they work. Give it a shot. Go to on it.com. Uncle Joy wouldn't bullshit you. I'm telling you right now. We're going to do this fucking thing together. I want to get down to $2.25, really. I got to do it. I love to drop fucking 80 pounds. It's going to be on.

I can do with Weight Watchers or this guy who sent me to note, I answered back to him. He says he's got some super diet that he's been on for five fucking years. Let's see if he's telling me the true cuck sucker And when you're on the 15-day pack You should just end up and do it the two weeks of Hulu Plus Like we've been telling you You can do it on your TV

If it's connected to the internet You can do it on your computer You can do it on all the major gaming systems You can do it on your phone And they have hundreds of shows That are available The day after they go on Like a lot of the NBC shows are on there

A lot of the CBS shows are on there I always like a family guy And the Daily Show I like goofy stuff Even though John Stewart's not on it right now How come John Stewart's not on it right now? He's directing a movie in like Saudi Arabia Or like somewhere weird

Come on Yeah it's actually an interesting story Like he went to in like they interviewed A guy who uh like a journalist in Iran or something like one of those countries And they're the his country arrested him for it So they're filming a movie based on that So they have the they have John Oliver hosting for

the summer. But you get an extended free trial right now. Go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. Go to joeydez.com and there's the banner right there. It's two weeks for free. After that, you can cancel if you don't want it. But for $7.99, I don't know who

wouldn't want it. Well, I mean, I know. I use it every day. Joey and his wife uses it every day. And I've gotten a bunch of people saying thank you. So. We got new codes? Yeah. Girl, Miranda, sent this new fucking codes. Cut the shit.

Cut the shit. This is the church of what's happening now. You know, it's funny how this guy also mentioned, well, you got to push the honor. Let me tell you something. I don't push something until, unless I believe 100% in it. I get offers to fucking push it every day that I don't want to push at all. I don't want to put this on your podcast. I don't.

I'd rather do a podcast without anything. But you know what? Everybody needs to make a living. And everybody needs a good fucking deal from time to time. Whether it's on it or whether it's Hulu Plus. I'm telling you. the Hulu Plus, put in the code name Joey in the box, big letter.

It doesn't fucking matter. Just put fucking Joey in there. You get two weeks for free. Give them the credit card. Who gets a fuck? What do you got on your credit card? $48 in the bank? You're sweating the fucking, you wrote a check of the Chinese restaurant? Relax. Give him the fucking credit card. $7.99 a month after that. Again, 799. That little Grandreid half a fag drink you get, that's $450 plus the fucking tip

unless you're a Puerto Rican. Two of those is fucking Hulu Plus for one month. Come at me and say, Joey, it's a scam. Why? I'm not pushing nothing. I'm giving you a fucking deal because you listen to the podcast. You support us. You help Leah out. This helps Lee get to fucking have his little date and goes to Hulu Plus parties and jumps up and down.

And if he keeps drinking and driving, who's going to pay for that fucking attorney? So get your shit together. Go to Hulu Plus, press and Joey. Get two free weeks. And if you like it, it's $7.90. You wipe your ass with fucking $8. As far as Omit, you're trying to get healthy. Everybody wants a new shit to get involved.

it's fucking on it it's not anything else it's not for men's one a day that's been around since jesus left fucking chicago i think ab lincoln took a one a day what did it get him nowhere go to fucking on it dot com and that's it you get me all five fucking up lately you know i'm sorry we've been doing this for a long fucking time i like it lee i like you people you know i'm sick and tired of you people coming up to me at shows and look at me in the eye it's very sweet and going you inspire me you know what motherfuckers you guys inspire me all right you guys make me get up in the morning you guys make me come here and talk shit The other day some guy says to me, you talk too much crime stuff on there. I want you people to know that before I was a fucking comic,

I was a piece of shit that had nothing. You stick with it. You get up in the morning. You brush your fucking teeth and you put in your back of your mind. You want to fucking do something. If you don't want to do it for you, do it for the fucking people around you. You don't for the people who fucking care about you so they could be proud. So your sister could say, my brother's a fucking loser.

He sits on the couch all day and watch his fucking Hulu and he watches the Comedy Central and the whole fucking thing. Well, things change when they. You get up, you put your fucking pair of balls in there, and you go out there and you tell the world to suck your dick, and shit might happen for you, you know what I'm saying? Who the fuck am I talking about? It's going to happen.

Talk about doing ass. I talk about doing all this shit. And then on the other hand, I got the Christmas Day fucking movie coming out. How the fuck does that happen? Because I stuck with something. Yeah, that's crazy. It's not because I'm better than anybody, dog. Not by no means.

I got a hole in my fucking left sock right now. Who am I fucking better than? I'm not better. I don't give a fuck. I'm just telling you that this, you laugh. when you sit there and you look at these people who you stand next to you're like these motherfuckers don't know I robbed the Carvel is fucking with

new chucks I'm saying I robbed the carmel with new chucks and they're standing next to me like I'm some fucking actor with a suit on get the fuck out of here we all put our pants from get the fuck out there and tell these motherfuckers what your dream is get out there today motherfuckers

I just had this image of you in a karate suit with nonchucks is breaking no crap motherfuckers up you when you walk into a liquor store with a pair of new chucks on throwing a star at the wall. Don't give you the peppermintz, Zambuca, then you give you

electronic cigarettes, whatever the thugger you want. When you rob a Carvel, do you take a cake too just on principle? Get it on principle. I take a bunch of those hats. You know those hats

that they used to put the Sunday in? No. What hats? He doesn't eat ass. He doesn't. Trust me, I eat ice cream. Do you have Carvel in Boston?

Yeah. Okay. For 30,000 fucking years, once baseball season came? Oh, the baseball helmets. Oh, okay. How many did you have? A couple of the stadium, they're always emotional...

But they won't give you your hat in your area. Do you follow me? So if you're from Boston, they'll give you like a Yankee hat to really burn you up. And they'll giggle, too. I want to both the red thys. We ain't got the... We got the Yankees and the Orioles. Take your pick.

You're like, God damn it. I got a fucking... And then you take the Oreo hat and you go home and somebody sees you. Like one of your Gumbas city. What the fuck? Then all of a sudden you go out, so I'm not in your friends like dog, You got an Oreo hat for fucking ice cream? What the fuck?

No, I didn't get an Oreo hat. This is what happened. I went down there. I wanted some fucking ice cream and that's all they had, all right? Then you go to the next time, they give it like a manor in a fucking hat or something. Which, who gives a fucking about the manors? Chichiro Zazuki. Yeah.

They don't give you, like, where you live. So they would take all the Boston ones, and Mr. Carvel would look at the bring. Let's send the Boston ones to Bronx. And let's send the Yankee ones to Boston to really get them fired up. And we'll sprinkle the Baltimore ones everywhere. and we'll give them some Toronto once too to really fuck their world up. You know, each you're replaced for the Yankees now?

I know that. That's what I said. Who gives a fuck about Seattle? And Cheryl's not there no more. Oh, okay. He's doing good with the Yankees. I have not watched the Yankees this year at all. I haven't watched the World War.

I don't even watch baseball. I don't give a fuck. It wasn't it the All-Star game? Yeah, a lot of suspensions. Oh, this guy just got it. This guy. This guy, people hate this fucking guy. Because he denied it.

He lied. He lied. He, last year he won the MVP, and he, He had a failed drug test, but he got off on it because the guy who the courier didn't take it right to the lab. He had it overnight. He shouldn't have, so he got off on a technicality. And then they kept investigating, and there's this doctor, I think in Miami, who has like a list of all the players he gave drugs to. And I don't think it's even come out yet.

Like, I don't even know if he had another failed drug test, but I think his name was associated with it. So yesterday they just suspended him for the whole season. And he was like, he basically admitted to it. He said, yeah, I made some mistakes. And, I mean, Mani, Mani's back playing for the Rangers, so fucking, they don't care. Now, are they really going to spend a bunch of people for the rest of the year? Is that true? Arod is supposed to be on the list, too, but he hasn't played this year because he's fucking just hurting or just accepting the check or whatever.

But, yeah, I heard A-Rod's on the list. And they're trying to take a harder stance, but not really because players can come back and still make millions of dollars. So it's like either, I think they should just say, yeah, take whatever you won, or just don't tell it, don't ask, don't tell. Because they don't really care. They care when it happens, but like they come back and you're a real family. I love sports, but baseball, I love the Red Sox, but I can't. Unless I'm at the stadium, it's kind of like you, like when you say you can't sit down and watch a game, I can't sit down and watch a game on TV at baseball. It takes four hours, and it's one to nothinger.

Like, there's games every year that are, like, 18 innings, and people are there until 3 in the morning. But you're a fan. Does this insult you that these players are doing this as a fact? No. You don't give a fuck. Maybe I'm too young or something. Do you think it ruins the game, or do you think it enhances it? I think if one or two people were doing it, I think at this point, everyone's doing it,

and if they're not doing it illegally, they're taking so many supplements that it's changed so much from the time when they weren't. Because, like, when Babe Ruth or any of those old guys, they didn't have the supplements or the, working out technology. So I mean, if Babe Ruth was going to play against the people who aren't using steroids now, he'd probably lose. Like, his teams would probably lose. Maybe not

an all-star team. But it's changed so much. I honestly if they want to do it, it doesn't affect me. I know there's purists who disagree, and I'm not really that sold on my stance. But it really doesn't

like you always say, what What does this change the price of eggs? It doesn't matter to me if Barry Bonds did steroids. Yeah, he probably, his head's fucking huge and he has a really high voice. He's a weird guy. But he hit 80 home runs in a year or something. Like, it's fun to watch. It's entertainment.

It's not like a, like it's entertainment. Like, I don't really care. It breaks my heart that I'm jaded at sports, but it's like something happened last week in this country that really fucked up the country. You know, the whole Trayvonmore. And I won't address it. I want to address it because. you can never be right and you can never be wrong on what you say or something like that. Yeah.

But I knew from the beginning that this wasn't going to be right. And my wife, who is, I listen to everything she says because A, that's her life. That's what she does. She reads, she reads the newspaper. She told me before the trial started, he was going to quit it. Oh, you think, oh, wow. She told me right from day one. She told me right from day one.

And that's the same way I feel about sports sometimes. Like, I already know it's fucked up. What do you don't mean to do to be? to be a part of this or whatever. It's just some things you accept in life, and it's fucking sad. Yeah. That's always made me fucking sad, you know.

I also got a lot of emails this week, yesterday about the cat story. About the cat, I'm Superbad. Who I love Daley. I think Superbad knows. You know, Superbad, I fucking hated Superbad when he was outside. I really didn't like him as a cat. Yeah.

And I did a movie with Jimmy Schuber one time, There was a guy in the movie who was a cat vet, like a specialist on cat. We were talking, and he goes, what people don't really know about cats is that they're very grateful. They're very grateful. They don't forget fucking anything.

They're very grateful. They're very thankful. And I think that when I saved him, he became a little tighter with me. Like, he's tired with me. I see his pupils getting dialed at the afternoon now, and he meows by himself. And he rolls on the couch,

And I might have the baby in the morning watching SpongeBob, and I'm watching them do this. We've gotten tired. But it wasn't about the cat as much as it was about the promise. And I got to tell you something, I look at the good people in my life, and I look at the people who are mediocre in my life. And for personal reasons, for the pain he caused in my mother's life,

I hate my stepfather, for the pain he caused in my life with the money and all that shit. But he did so many good things because it made me who I was today. Yeah. But one of the things that he instilled with me as a child, because he grew up with it was the promise, the gift of the promise, something that, you know, we've forgotten finger-banging in this country. We also forgot the promise what a promise means, you know, what it means, not the people in our lives when we make a promise to ourselves. In Cuba, they have a thing that when your knees are going or you have arthritis, you dress in purple for a year to give you. to give light to the saints, San Lazaro. And I had a big six-foot statue of it in my house growing up.

A lot of people, until the end, I always thought it was a burger in my house. I think of having a six-foot statue of a saint in the house. And he's the saint that has the dogs licking his wounds. He was a leper. Yeah. And he has whatever you call those things, you know, when you can't walk. Crutches? Crutches.

And I know a lot of people in Cuba that used to make promises to him. And they said, if you make a promise to San Lazzro, whether you'll dress in purple three days a week or whatever, you'll heal. But just a promise, I thought about the story yesterday. I go, what a dumb story I told. You know, you're always over-critical of yourself. And then I thought about what the story was about.

It was a promise, something that you never thought a guy like me would believe in. Yeah. A promise is big, man. You have problems in your life, you know, whatever. Make yourself a promise. You don't know nothing to nobody in this life, just to your fucking self. Yeah. You really do.

And I can't believe that my life changed so much by that fucking promise. I got a wife now. I'm clean. I have you in my life. We have a podcast together. We've done documentaries. We've done CDs. We've done Petical Testament.

I did more things in the six years I was off cocaine than the 12 previously that I was doing it and doing comedy. Yeah, I did movies and all this stuff. But I tapped into myself, which is what we thrive for in this life, to tap into ourselves what we're really about. I got that at 50, you know? Yeah. I got blessed by that at 50 to get tapped into myself because I saw my daughter.

I had a daughter once before, and we had our problems and life goes on. But I got a second chance, and I look at this daughter's face, and that's what my face look like before I start this whole thing, you know, called life. You get the wrinkles,

and you get your fucking depressed. So it's really weird, man, what I learned from this promise that I made. It all started with a promise about a stupid, dirty fucking cat. that I swore I would never do blow again because the cat would die and I stuck to a stupid promise no rehab no fucking meetings and whatever whatever works for you but you know what

before you start your day off now and start it with a promise just started with a problem today I'm not going to do this today I'm not going to do you don't have to promise it to your mother or your father or your sister or your brother or your wife make the promise to yourself because that's who I think you let down the most you know and that's what's made this podcast successful that we've Stuck to the promise. We fucking do it on Mondays and Wednesdays,

and we fucking do it. So thank you. You guys inspire me more than I think I inspire you. You guys don't even fucking know it. Thank you for coming to the shows, and thank you for support Hulu and myself and Lee. It's been a great year with you cock suckers. Don't forget this weekend,

one of the best shows you'll see. Not for me, for Don or Er. I can't even win. I'm taking notes because I haven't worked with Dom in a long time to see him do a 45-minute set. There's going to be a nice show. education. So if you really like comedy, you're going to see a

fucking hack and a fucking master this weekend. So please, at the Ice House, 8 o'clock and 10 o'clock, Friday and Saturday, 626 577, 1894. The following Wednesday, right, Lee? We're at the Ice House again doing a live podcast

with a tremendous special fucking guest. Tremendous. Ten bucks, Wednesday night. What else are you going to stay on what? Dantzing with the fucking fags? Come on down. fucking jerk-offs. That's a completely different show. Your dance

your fag plugs you in the fucking goulash. I just have this image from the it's either you or the priest when you're talking about them flying down and sticking when you're doing yoga. You have this image of them flying above a dance floor or something. I don't know. Where you're slipping, cocksuck, you better get together. No more drinking and driving.

I find out. I would never do that. I fucking break your head, cucksuck. No drinking and driving for no church members. You want to drink, put the keys away. That's all I are. Smoke dope, put the fucking keys away. You can talk. One thing I love about Burke Reischer,

call him what you want. The motherfucker takes a town car to the ice out. He pays the 120 so he can drink. He understands. You have to know these things. You don't want. Don't do. If you even taste the alcohol, put the keys down. Because, like I totally, if they pull you over

and they smell you, and even if they smile, even if they're smelling, do you have something to drink tonight? Yes, office, I drank a beer. Turn the ignition off and get out of the car. Yeah. But if you lie to him and he smells your fucking breath, you're going to have the same problem. You know how you handle that?

Don't drink. Yeah. Take a fucking edible. A 10-st drink, go out there and fucking swerp. No. You know what I'm saying? It's not about, it's, you know, it kills me how people live their life

and they don't care for the people outside of them. When you're drinking and driving at night, you got to care for the people. When you're driving at night, you got to care more about the people who are driving to yourself because that's how you get whacked. Nothing breaks my heart more, and wake up in the morning and see a family.

I went out for ice cream. Yeah. Get hit by a drunk driver. And you look at the car, and it's total. And this guy was probably stationary. It's like the heart of the ball comes in, the harder it goes out. People don't know that. If I throw a ball at you 20 miles an hour when you hit it,

it might hit, you know, the out field. But if I throw a 90 fucking mile at you, and you fucking clock that motherfucker, that's why Konseko, you got to hit those real heavy balls. It's the same thing with a fucking car. So please, don't drink and drive, guys, all right? You're hearing that from your Uncle Joey. What do you got from me?

Lee? Tell me something. No, it's just, people have been writing to me for a while. Like, oh, a hundred's coming up, a hundred's coming up, and it's been a crazy ride. I would have never thought I wanted to do it.

I never would have thought I'd, like, if anyone, like, I think if anyone else had asked me, I would have said no. But, like, we've been working together for, like, two years when this started, so it was weird. And every, like,

it's, I'm used to the internet, being a place of just assholes. Like, if you go to, like, any YouTube video, 97% of the comments are negative. And I don't know how you got it. But even when we started with Mad Flavors World, there might be one negative comment, which is probably just a guy who just does it as a joke.

But 99% of the people we get are positive. And there's a couple of you who I talk to and who have, even... Like, I, when I went down to San Diego this weekend, outside the George and Becky were walking out of the... the palm as I was walking in it and they're not it's like and my the girls with asked me like

oh are they are they fans I'm like no like them and Jordan and water box they become friends they're friends now it's not like they become friends so it's it's been awesome and it's uh I know trust me I that's why I try not to talk much I know you're here

to listen to Joey but I really appreciate you guys letting me goof around and take edibles and and giggle when Joey tell you the Jumman Jackson seen nothing yeah we gotta give you there's like three companies developing

the Lysa fucking edible right now 3,000 milligrams the Gumi Bear people everybody there's nothing to develop just put the THC in there and watch you pass out a special 400 milligram Lysia with a picture you were awake

I'd probably die before and after we're going to have edibles but anyway it's been a great fucking week I'll talk to you motherfuckers next week you're two great shows next week some great guests we just want to do this today alone today just to let you know how we feel about you.

We got a little sobby on here. But who gives a fuck? It's Wednesday. Grab your cock. Go out there and pee on somebody. Do something with your fucking life. And get back to me, cock suckers. Remember, Joey Diaz.net is where you find the Hulu Plus and T-shirts and hooties.

And fucking your schedule where I'm going to be. I told Obama's wife, shaved that monkey. I'm coming to D.C. August 24th or something like that. Mrs. Obama, I'm coming for you, cock-sucker. I love you, sexy motherfucker. Jesus. I love all you guys. Have a great weekend. Stay black.

Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. I wasn't.