The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 07/29/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #101

Episode Date: July 30, 2013

Comedian Edwin San Juan calls in to discuss the backlash to his performance for the LA Sheriff. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Visit huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 07/29/2013

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Oh, motherfucking shit. It's Monday, July 29th. It's the day you've been waiting for all your motherfucking life.

Get up, shine your shoes, clean your toes, put some cream on your fucking face. It's going down today, motherfuckers. This reefer is on fire today, cocksuckers. Get up, say a prayer for yourself, light a candle. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. The best thing is, you're in it, you're awake, you're in the fucking game. Here we go, a little car, crack that motherfucker. Oh shit.

Fucking tremendous. The last weekend in July. The car is moving in motherfucking stereo. You ever see Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Of course it did. The part where he's whacking off in the bathroom. This is the fucking thing when he jumps in the... And the girl jumps out of the pool, yeah.

Fucking tremendous, that girl. What's going on, Lee, motherfucking sciat? Not much. We had a great weekend. We had a great weekend. Fucking great time at the ice house. Thanks to these crazy motherfuckers. And people like when you're there.

Oh, they do? They feel more secure. They think that we got backup. It's good. Friday, I can tell you. Saturday I hit him the fucking. green room because two minutes after getting there, you just shoved the Chewobotu my face.

You're like bite. And I gotta say something. I got to eat the Cheebo Chewes for a couple days. I need anything for a couple days because of the cycle class with the fucking anxiety, so I've been lighting it up. So Friday on the way to the ice house, I stopped and I popped some weed in the fucking

Cheebo chew. And I popped the Cheebo chew. It had to be 7 o'clock. I went on stage by 8.20. I was on fucking fire. Do you understand me? I'm fucking fired. And the late show was amazing. I got really high on the Cheebochu. I have to...

I mean, let me tell you some. If you came to the show, I love you. It was a fucking great turnout. You know, 10 o'clock Red Band did his show with Doug Benson and all those motherfuckers. So it was just like a Dead Squad festival up there. You could smell Rifa for fucking days. It's just one of these things that made me feel happy by.

I'm very proud. So I want to thank you guys for making me and Lee feel fucking great. It was just amazing. It was just, I can't even describe it. And that's the way... All the weekends have been, whether I'm in fucking San Jose with you, whether I'm in fucking Salt Lake City. So I thank you.

You know, the mission was done. We got all the material we needed. We're going to lay it on the fucking, you want to tape a CD pretty soon. It'll be out in a couple weeks, and the special. We're working on that. So we're working on fucking things. But it's Monday, Cucksuck. It's all about you.

Shine your shoes. Get out there. Stab a motherfucker. It was a good week also because of other things. You know, I got a personal life. You know what I'm saying? like we all do. And sometimes things are going great career-wise

and things are lacking at home, but everything is pretty good at home. My wife is happy. But, you know, I have the baby in the morning. So I was telling people on stage that, listen, man, I'm fucked up. We're all fucked up, you know? And we have to point fingers in our society.

So directly point fingers on your upbringing or your family or your mother or your school, whatever the fuck it is. With me, I've always felt very insecure about the way I was raised, how my mother gave me a lot of free. freedom and whatnot. But my mother had this savvy way of raising me, you know. And one of the things she did was she spoke Spanish to me in the house. But I wasn't allowed to speak Spanish outside

the house. You weren't allowed to? No, she, this was America. Okay. Okay, she wanted me to speak Spanish in the house. I didn't want to speak Spanish anymore. I was like, Mom, why the fuck are we speaking Spanish? That's a, that's a fucking caveman language. And she's like, trust me, keep speaking fucking Spanish shut your mouth and those times I wouldn't react to her in Spanish and we really hurt her feelings

and then I took it up I learned how to write it on my own I learned how to read it on my own just on my side I didn't tell nobody I was always kind of embarrassed about it I don't know why I was always kind of embarrassed

about talking Spanish outside the house but my mom had a thing but she always put the language in me so the baby's born and I feel that two languages is a little strong It's good for your analytical skills to learn two languages.

You learn how to think. So I have a deal with my wife. I talk to her little words in Spanish, you know, just little things. And whether they stick or not, it really doesn't matter. There'll be our words. So when we're out in public, if something goes down, I understand the situation. And she understands it more if I say, Cam Mateo, whatever word that I tell it.

I always play with her in the mornings when we're watching SpongeBob. And I always say, Damumbesita means give me a kiss in Spanish And she just looks at me all fucking retarded, whatever But lately she's been doing it with me Like just a couple times she'll kiss me Even when her mouth open, she'll just come at me to tap, you know? Yeah So she didn't do it all last week.

She had forgotten Friday night I was getting ready to jump in the shower My wife goes, I'm putting her to sleep, give her a kiss And I looked at her from this bathroom My wife was like eight feet away And I looked like to go watch this, Terry And I walked close on me made eye contact and I go hey honey dumb besiezo and she did it in front of my wife

her own bail she goes how'd you do that I go what dumb besiether she did it again my wife was like dumben bisito dumb besie my wife my wife is trying to speak Spanish school and then when I came out I put the pacify in my mouth and she comes and gets it on my mouth and I like a sea world yeah like a whale you put a cigarette in your mouth in the fucking whale the criminal takes a lot so I got to be honest with you guys if you gave me a million dollars right now I'd be happy but what that little baby did on Friday made me happier than ever because I realized, A, I'm not a fucking idiot. I know I'm not a fucking idiot.

You know what I'm saying? Like, finally somebody learned something from me. And B, just the whole thing. I never knew I had it in me altogether, you know? So for me, it's like a feather in the cap. What do you mean you didn't know you had it in you? Listen, man, I would hate to be raised by me. Do you know what I'm saying?

Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, let's be honest. What the fuck do I have? I'm 50. What the fuck? I got a T-shirt on. and sneakers, you know? I mean, what the fuck?

So, you guys know. So yesterday I got up, Saturday we did a bunch of shit, me and my wife. We went to his friend's house, and they have a little boy, and we brought Cuban food over, and she's fucking 18 months pregnant. She's ready to bus.

She's due next week, so it was really nice to see her, and then we went here, and we went shop, and I had to pay for my mailbox. Then yesterday we got up, and we did the same shit. We walked around the park, and we went for yogurt, and then anyway, we ended up

we were bought. We went to the farmer's market. We got our fish for the week. You know, I go to the farmer's market on Laurel Canyon there. I get some fucking great fish. I get some halibut. I got some scallops.

My wife put some bacon around the scallops last night for dinner. So we get, like, we got halibut, and we get a couple pieces of sea bass and salmon, you know, and then I'll cook that up for lunch instead of going up.

It's pretty good. They're pretty big pieces. So we got out of the farmers market early. We ran around. And it's funny. My uncle called me a couple weeks ago, He goes, hey, Willie Nelson's playing at the Hollywood Bowl.

My uncle's 74 years old old Cuban dude. And he goes, I want to go see Willie Nelson. I've seen him every year. And I want to take Linda, his girlfriend. My uncle's 74 with a fucking girlfriend. And he had another girl over there making fucking juice yesterday. My uncle's a pip. So I go over there yesterday.

I tell my wife, you know what I have to give him these Willie Nelson tickets. Now, I lied to him. He asked me for the tickets. I didn't tell him that I had paid for them. I told him we got him for free. Okay. Because I didn't want to embarrass him or asking for the money. I think it was $104 for the tickets, whatever.

You know, I had problems with my uncle. You know, I love my fucking uncle. I used to come out here as a kid to California. And then after my mother died in 84, five years later, I came out here. But I thought the world owed me a fucking favor. At that age, you know, you always say to me, what were you thinking? All right? 24.

I was 22 years old, right? 21 years old. I thought the world owed me a living. I took the world owed me something. I thought everybody owed me something. You know, I had that thing in the back of my head that I was special, that the world owed me a living or the world owed in the world.

There's nothing for free except Jesus. That's all you get in this fucking world is sick with Jesus. There's nothing free but Jesus. No, there ain't nothing free but Jesus in this fucking world. Think about it. So, okay, one thing leads to another. I come out here, he calls me out. He tells me, I've got to get my life together.

And I try to rob them. I go 0 for 2 and I try to rob the motherfucker. And we end up to pull knives, guns at each other, Danny B. wins. Danny B. Uncooled on his cousin. Yeah. Had to send for a cab for me, and they had to hide me down a Marina Del Rey for a day

or some fucking resort city in a hotel room. They paid for pizza. Then the next day I got to go to the airport, I gave him jewelry or something. In fact, on Ben, you know, I got bad news for you people over the weekend. What's his name? It's Danny's cousin.

Danny's brother. I'll think of it. Got locked up. He called a couple times into the show. Gary, Gary Bowenon. Gary Bowen's last fucking bank robbery was last week probation made him. We'll talk about that later, but me and my uncle went to war in 84.

Yeah. Basically. The last time I saw my uncle, I swore I was going to kill him. And for five or six years, guys, that's all I thought about. Because he had called my bluff. He had told me what I needed to hear at that age. At that age, I expected a living. I thought the world owed me a fucking living. I thought I was a gangster. I didn't want to work. You know, I wanted a brand new car. I wanted all the things that you have to go to work for. I didn't want them. The world owed

me a fucking favor because I'm special and he turned that around and I didn't want to hear it but it fucked me up. It fucked me up so bad. I used to call him from prison and prank call him and tell him I was like kill him in Spanish and make like faggy noises on the phone. That's how mad I was. That's not even my style. That's like getting

on the internet and fucking picking on people something like that same thing, prank calling. It's the internet going to fuck you fat man and then whatever. I got to block or something, whatever the fuck. So this went on, and then 24 years, 25 years, it went. 2009, I finally had my balls, and I called him. And we had a pretty great relationship.

And two years ago, we got into it over drugs. I told him, he kept telling me that his business was going down. I told him, listen, why you get some hos in there and some guineas? He was like, fuck you. I'm not like that. I was no teasing him. And he got all offended. So we didn't talk for about six months,

but my cousin put it back together for us. and it was funny. I went there yesterday, they dropped off to Willie Nelson tickets. I go, honey, it's 11 o'clock. Let's just take a run. My wife said it.

She goes, we'll eat at Mimi's. Mimi's is where me and Duncan always go. They got the steak and eggs, the best steak and eggs in California right over there. They don't even have them on the menu. That's how good the steak and eggs are. Oh, shit. You have to fucking be like fucking...

Inside knowledge. And that'd be beating shit, you know what I'm saying? It's got to be like Andrei Hernandez from the New England Patriots, whatever the fucking... Oh, Jesus. That fucking moron. So, yes. Today I go down to my uncles and he sees the baby.

You know, my uncle came to the hospital to see the baby. Oh, really? The first people came to the hospital, gave my wife like $200, came in. And you don't expect this from my uncle. You know, my uncle's never been typing, but he came. And yesterday we brought the baby down. He hadn't seen the baby. He just went fucking nuts.

But while we were talking, I go, was we leaving? I go, look at the baby. I look at him. And by this time the baby was loose with him. She said something that he's family because my, She did that around my wife's parents. She censored his family. You could hear something in his voice.

If you meet my uncle, we don't look alike. But you could hear my mother in his voice, which then you hear me. Really? So I could tell her that she was intrigued by him, like his voice. And finally, I go, Dalmbezito. And she fucking kissed him. And he died. Let me tell you how much he died, people.

He looked at me, and he ran upstairs because we were outside talking by that point. And he ran down. He gave the baby a hundred-dollar bill. He just... Take them out to lunch. That's how fucking much he was blown away. Then he called last night, but I was already sleeping. He called about 11, 30, 12 last night, but I was already fucking sleeping.

So that's, I'm very happy that I got to rekindle this relationship with my uncle. Even though I tried to rob him. That was a bad fucking nightly. That was so fucking bad. And I tell you, I know I broke his heart. I had broken his heart that night. I broke his fucking heart. It was terrible.

I broke my own heart that night. Because, yeah, for people, it's in one of the, the last testicle testaments, like you were living with him and working with him, but you were mad at him because he, like, talked bad about your mom a little bit. Oh, he was fucking dogging me since the time I got off the plane. He was dogging me. First, he didn't pick me up by LAX. So the money I had, I had to spend on a fucking cab.

I didn't know where I was going. Yeah. I knew L.A., but I didn't know fucking L.A. And also I get to his business and it's closed, I got to sleep on the fucking street that night. And I got like $10 and I walk over to this Mexican restaurant. I get there at 9 in the morning. I basically sit there for two hours.

They finally come to me and they're like, dog, you got to go. I go to his business, it's open, and the guys said he should be here any minute. Three in the afternoon he got there. I basically threw away a fucking day. And he walked in there like it was nothing, nobody's business. Like, I'm busy. I'm not here to cater to you, and that's what it was. I wanted him to cater to me.

He was like, oh, you're a big fucking boy now. You better get it together. He picks you up at the airport. You want to come out of here? I sent you the money for the plane ticket. That's enough. And he called me out, and I didn't want to be called out. Nobody wants to be called out at 21.

No. And I fucking, but I wasn't just angry. I was going to shoot this motherfucker. This went on. And I tell you guys, I yearned for family, and I came out here in 97. I didn't talk to him until 2009. So for 12 years, I lived out here. We lived miles apart.

And I didn't talk to him over how angry I was. And Marilyn Martinez, my friend, I asked her one time. I looked in the Yellow Pades. I go, he's still here. I go, where is this spot? She goes, it's real close. You're a fucking 20 minutes. from me. You'd get there in the daytime.

And I just, I always said, you know what? If I fail at this comedy shit or I get some problems on the way out of town, I'm going to go over and stab him. And fuck, look, we got a long. Lysayat, what the fuck, he did great this weekend. You got high both. No, no, you only got high. Just Saturday night. You got nice and fucking stuff. I always know what's going to happen too, because as soon as you give it to me,

like Di Agostino's right there. I just looked at him all like, this is going to be bad. Because, like, oh. The Agostino's a funny motherfucker, guys. Oh, he's great. And then, of course, Domerera, fucking hilarious. That was... And I never know what to do, because, like, I was... I don't want to, like...

I don't want to, like, go in the green room most times, because it's, like, it's a weird place. But, like, I don't... Like, especially with him. Like, I saw him on Seinfeld. So, I didn't want... Like, I said hi to him, but I don't want to get in it in anyone's way.

But, uh, you guys co-headlined. And I was sitting in... And I watched, like, a big chunk of all of his shows. And it's like, it couldn't be a different style. Like, you and him are very different. But it just, it was, like, the crowd loved it. Like, you would think, like, a crowd going to see him might not like you, or a crowd going to see you might not like him.

And it was just great shows. Let me tell you something. You guys always send me fucking emails and tweets that, you know, this is inspiring or whatever. And that's great. That's all great. But I've got to tell you guys what you do for me. You've inspired me to start doing stand-up being to fall in love with this thing. That's all these guys on Twitter.

All you fuckers that listen to the podcast. That sent back, give me a shout out. Fuck you. No blue cheese and all this shit. You guys inspired me to become a better stand-up because I had a fucking elevate. You know, I went to the farmer's market yesterday. Yeah.

On the way out, I seen Damon Pope for you guys who watched Sons of Anarchy. He was the black guy on last season. They shot him and shit. He lit tigers' sister daughter on fire. Damon Pope was his little fucking skinny black dude. I would have bit slapped him at the fucking farmer's market. But I'm the son's anarchy. He's a bad motherfucker.

But it's funny how he set a line that I never forgot on there. And it really, he goes, sometimes you got to rise to the pain makes you rise to the occasion. It lifts you up a level in life. It makes a play. It makes kings out of players. Pain. And that's what happened with me and my uncle. My friendship with him and what happened over those 25 years really turned me into a man.

They really fucking did our. back and forth, me trying to rob them, and then me coming and humbly and apologizing to him. I went to an audition, and on the way back on Malibu, I realized I used to go to that beach and all those rocks. I used to play it as a fucking kid. Yeah.

And I go, I used to play here with my uncle, and I pulled the fuck over. And I said, this is a sign from God. It's time for me to bury this with my uncle. And I called him in the afternoon. He answered the phone. And I go, Dio, before you say anything, this is Coco.

I just want to tell you, I'm very sorry about what I did. I slipped. to you. My mother's brother, how could I rob you? You know, I was angry about my life, and he goes, man, I've been looking for you for 25 years. He goes, I wanted to apologize to you. So, sometimes, so

this is what I learned. The pain lifting me in the level. The reason why I'm here is partly because of my uncle in that conversation we had. Yeah. It really just saved my life. So I hate him for a long. Sometimes somebody calls you out and you get angry, but it took me two or three. It took me ten years to realize

how correct he was and how wrong I was. That's the fog of bullshit of much-y-mo bullshit that we get caught up. And don't get caught up in that. Because I would have made it up faster. I would have been a better person faster if I would have just dealt with it. But I didn't. It took me 10 fucking years. Lee, what the fuck?

Where's the music? Where's Tony Bennett? Cucksuck? It's Monday, July 29th, a beautiful fucking day alive. To be alive and you're alive. Get out there. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-hmm. I want to be around.

Two. pieces when somebody breaks your next Saturday August 3rd or second Tony Bennett live at the Hollywood bow with Diana Ross are you fucking kidding me or what isn't to this fucking pimp on a Monday somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do come on now this beautiful this is fucking beautiful. You slowed you down, let you drink that coffee, let you roll that joint, plan out your fucking day.

You gotta plot it like Columbus. What's going on, Lisa? Tell me something good, brother. What's going on? You went to the girlfriend, she made some fucking dindon. Her mom. You had 20 pounds of Mexican food in the trunk of your car. Two days in a row, she made the most amazing food.

And I wanted to talk to you about that, because I hadn't met a girlfriend's mom in a while. Like, the last time was back in Boston, and it was like a year or two before I got here. I was petrified. Like, before I got there, like, for like a quick second when I was getting ready, I was like, I've had a girlfriend for long enough. I don't need to go meet anybody.

Like, I thought about canceling for a quick second because it's scary. And it's especially because she's her family, her entire family's from Mexico. Like, her and her cousin are, like the only ones who speak English. So, like, her mom doesn't speak any English. She worked in a sweatshop for, like, 20 years as, like, a seamstress. So I talked to her about you and your mom in Northburg, and I was petrified, and I walked in,

and she had a big smile. And then she, on Saturday, she cooked tacos, like, really authentic, delicious tacos. And yesterday she cooked, like, chicken with vegetables and rice. And couldn't have been more, like, we can't really talk, and we talk a little bit through the daughter. But after yesterday, I was okay with it. But, like, on the whole way down, my heart was going crazy. And, like, what did you think when you went to go meet Terry's parents?

Because it freaked me out. Well, I met Terry's parents. I was already with her. Yeah. Like six years. Oh, six years. Okay. Because they live in Tennessee.

Yeah, that's what I didn't have a, I didn't have a reason to go over there. But what you got to remember is when you meet a mother, a mother will treat you how you're treating her daughter. Yeah. A mother knows when the daughter's happy or upset. If you're making her daughter upset. A mom knows when their child is happy. So I always got along with my mother-in-law. My father-in-law was tight.

He's tight. That's Terry's dad. That's the main fucking, you know. Look at me. You don't want me, Brian. Your daughter? Nobody does. Nobody does.

I wouldn't want me around my fucking daughter. But after, I tell you what, we were, we talked. But after we went over there with the baby, it's changed. Really? The father calls me now. Oh, really? And I call them and change. I like her family.

Yeah. Listen, man, if you're doing good by the girl, the mother always want to meet you. The dad, you know, it's one more guy that's banging my fucking daughter until they walk down the aisle. But hopefully, this is the one, you know. So I wouldn't be nervous at all. Just go down there and she loves you. Oh, she looks me now, yeah. You know, you took care of her daughter.

You were a gentleman. You took out to eat nice. You know, you go down there and you pick her up. You're a good guy, Lee. It's not like you're looking. I mean, you know. And I, she, she, she, she, she, she, you. Her daughter always said, the girl always said, like, she's going to feed you, like, a lot.

So, like, I had, like, six tacos and, like, two plates of food. Like, I couldn't. She laughed at me because I couldn't eat anymore. And then after that, both nights, we went and got fucking tacos at your favorite joint. Friday and Saturday and Saturday. And we ate tacos. I told the girl, we ate tacos at my trunk because we were so hungry. It was, like, the cold tortillas that were breaking.

We ate, oh, my God. I'm telling you. It was a fucking great week. We ate outside. And then me, DiAgostino, him, Jimmy Dalval, a bunch of us drove from the fucking ice house to the Ha-ha-Lankish him and kill the fucking Taco Man over there. Kill that motherfucker. Got a hot dog.

I ate the hot dog so fast. I burned my mouth. After I finished eating, I was like, oh, shit, I burned my tongue like two bites in. They were hot the other day, the fucking hot dogs. I was it the bacon on them? I'll tell you guys, sometimes a weekend changes your life how you start living. Like this weekend we're going out of town. I wanted to go see Tony Bennett, but we can't because we have to go out of town this week because next week she can't go out of town.

So this week, we want to go up to one of the beach towns up north. Oh, you and Terry? Yeah, we'll leave him Friday afternoon. Oh shit. We'll go up there fucking get some beats, take the baby into the ocean. You know, I got to do this shit. You know, I got a couple weeks off, and this kicks up again, and it's four. That's it, guys.

It's fucking July 29th. Yeah. Wednesday will be the 31st. We'll be at the Ice House live, and after that, it's August fucking first. After that, it dies for a month. And before you know, it's September 11th, it's the Labor Day weekend, and I'll be in fucking New York. I'm going to D.C.

By Ari's. Ari's going to come down. I can't wait. Oh, he's going to come by? Well, Ari's going to be down. down there Wednesday and Thursday, so I fly in Wednesday, so at least I can hang out with him Wednesday night, and Thursday I'm going to go to the

White House and check out Obama's wife. See, she's over there, I'm going to holler at that freak. That's my black mama and shit. You love her. Oh, I love Ms. Obama. I'm going to go over there. I'm going to gain 50 fucking pounds and go over there and do jumping jacks with him. Shit. Fuck me, her, little fucking kids

jumping up and down. But besides that, no, it really makes a difference when you have quality time and you know what man I'm so uptight I never make fucking time like that and I need to start making more time I really enjoy it you know I put a kibosh on the book for a couple weeks

are you taking a break yeah until you find me the right program cook sucker I have one I think I'll say you and I looked yeah I don't know what the fuck that that's why I finally went to you I looked I don't know how to explain that shit I'm fucking half-a-taughted but I uh I'm just trying to start writing again and I'm trying to... This whole month I'm not going to kickboxing because of these needles to the knee.

I'm just going to work on my Jiu-Jitsu. And it's funny because... I got to tell you fucking guys something. I'm a hard sell. Guys, I'm a fucking hard sell. Listen to me. I'm a hard fucking cell. And ever since that Manny kid at Jiu-Jitsu

talking about Shroom Tech, I'm fucking hooked on it. Let me tell you how good the Shroom Tech was on fucking Friday, all right? This shit I'm telling you from Hon. I don't need... Like, this morning I had a protein shake. The first one I've had in about three weeks.

It was fucking delicious. I don't like drinking protein. That's why I can never go on one of those fucking diets. I don't mind drinking three or four protein shakes to supplement my day, but I can't do it every day. Yeah. That's why I can't do it every day. I would fucking have a heart attack. You know what I'm saying?

But when you don't have a fucking certain protein for a couple weeks and you have it, that's when you know how delicious it is. All right, so let's get that out of it. Everybody knows how good the fucking chocolate shake is from on it. We all know that. But let me tell you what's been going on. So Friday, I usually go to a... V-Mack Valley Jiu-Jitsu

Twice a week That's who teaches me Jiu-Jitsu and I go with Salami once a week up in 10 Planet Van Nu To learn little things Like he tightens up what I learned At the Jiu-Jitsu school Okay

All right and then we roll a little bit Usually guys I got no reason I don't know but I roll a minute and a half And I gotta fucking get up and walk around I see stars But over the weeks it's gotten better and better Fucking Friday I did like a six minute fucking roll

Oh shit Because I moved them to positions. I locked it in. I breath. Then I went to the next one, and then I went to the next one. Then I mounted. No, he mounted me.

I swept. It was really fucking interesting that after like five minutes, I just stopped. I go, salami, I got to get up because I'm going to have a heart attack. But I got to tell you something. It was the shroom tech. And then I, man, he came to the show. You had a bunch of judici people at the show.

Mani, fucking. VMAQ is one of the best fucking martial arts schools I've ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever been involved in. This jujitsu thing I did, I was scared, shitless. Guys, I haven't been that fucking scared in a long time to walk in there. That school had been there a year, and I drove by, and I heard the instructors were great. And then I joined the kickboxing, and those guys were telling me the Jitoo was great. I was petrified to walk in there.

Guys, I can't wait to go in there now. They're fucking great. What a great fucking environment. And then you go up to 10th Planet Van Nuys. I'm going to have him on the podcast, the follow on Wednesday, the afternoon. Alder. Alder has gotten that system up there and it's fucking amazing. He's got these fundamentals and the fundamental jit-suit up there. He rolls with you a little bit, but he doesn't want you to roll a lot. He wants you to do techniques and by doing the techniques

over and over again, you develop a memory muscle and you develop your cardio. And then when you get to like level two, he has your rolling. You come in Tuesday nights and you roll and it's levels like a pyramid. Then he wants you to do the GEE class on Tuesday nights if you can. And then they have an advanced team. Then they have wrestling on Sundays. So if you really want to get into a program that fulfills you from A to fucking Zee, because some Jiu-Jitsu's, you've got to get experience somewhere else. Like Eddie Brab was a great jit-o teacher, but he doesn't want you in there as a beginning because he doesn't have time for you.

The techniques he teaches downtown at too fucking high level and no ghee. But with these guys, all that they'll take you from A to Z. And let me tell you something, nobody was more fucking scared than I was to be on my back because of the sleep at me. Last night, two nights ago I woke up with the pillow slip out from under me. Okay. And I was on my back and the cat was on top of me. just like standing and meowing at me and I was choking a death.

Just a fucking catch. He's seven fucking pounds. Oh, really? Yeah, so I'm always petrified at that, but I didn't get petrified. I just pulled it to the side. I got more composure now. Now, you, like, your eyes lit up when they showed up. They were like, five or six of them showed up Friday night.

And, like, you guys were best friends. Oh, my God. He started talking about moves. You're like, well, what about this? I can't get this angle on them. Oh, my God. It's amazing. They're great.

And they're all young kids. Those kids, Octavio and Zach and the girls, they're all 20 fucking Zach is younger than you He's 24 That monster Yeah He's 24

Those guys can kill me Kill me They could snap Octavia that guy moves He's only a white belt With like four fucking strikes That kid fucking flies On the fucking floor

But I tell you something Man I was really scared of Jitsu And I'm happy I did it That's number one Number two After that thing on Friday I'm sold on Shroom Tech But I don't know what the fuck it really did

Yeah I do the epileptic But that was too much of a jump In cardio But these other things here, these T-pack, I tell you, if you haven't seen them, go to Ahmed. Today, right now you don't want to live without at least one dose of these. Try it, because you get a little bit of everything. You get 15 packages. You get two packages.

Sorry about that, I got a little burp. In the morning, you get Alpha Brains, you got a bunch of shit they put in there. Let me read it to you. You got a bunch of good little packages. It's a total primary care. You get some enhancer, whatever. I can't see these glasses on my usual ones. And then at night you get a night pack.

and that has like the new mood and new mood and the shroom tech in the morning you have shroom immune so you know you're bumping into these nasty motherfuckers they got a cold and there you go so just fucking go to honor and take a look at the shroom tech if you having problems or your cardio because I'm fucking 310 fucking pounds

if I could last there after three months if I could do this with my car and I smoke dope you guys see me I'm over here puffing like a fucking dragon so that's the fucking deal Lee what Lee what are you going to say to me No, no, no, no. I went down there. I went down there because she had a little bit of a surgery, so she can't really leave the house. And I went down there.

And, like, the first thing we did, because we had lunch, and I took her computer. I logged into my Hulu Plus account right there. And I went, and we just, we watched shows for hours. And it's just great. She had a regular laptop. She doesn't have a TV in a room. So, wait a second. Let the people know you watch the Exorcist this weekend.

I did watch the Exorc. I did watch the Exorc, but I watched it on an Exorcist. What'd you think about it? It was, like, luckily, there was, she lives, she lives down by the airport, and there was like a guy riding a motorcycle in the alley for the entire time. There was Spanish music.

So, I, like, 95% watched it, so I had a little bit of, like, if it was dark, and it was nighttime I would have freaked out. But, like, Linda Blair, fucking, like, fuck me in the pussy with the cross and stabbing it and blood, and then her mom comes in, and she goes,

look me! And, like, shoves her, mom's face in her pussy and you hear the mom going and you hear the mom licking it that's fucking crazy that's 1973 bitch that's a psychological mind fuck that movie it really is I say it all every time it's on I watch it for

six or seven minutes and I don't watch anymore for a thousand reasons to being scared to not want to put myself through this to not you know it's just a fucking and you name your freaking cat after a character so after every time you call your cat you have to think about the movie the guy first of all

Let me break some history into you. That guy that plays the priest, Jimmy. Yeah. He's Jackie Gleason's son-in-law. Oh, shit. He's Jason Patrick's father. Okay. All right, that's why I like that motherfucker.

His name is Jimmy, but he's Greek. So his mother would call him Dimi. Why you do this to me? So when we first got that kid, Jimmy, Demi was crazy. Jimmy was brought up to the house because he fell off the roof, and he was bleeding from his nose. And his mother went over and,

walked away from him left him there. Oh, no. Terry's seen that. And once the mom walks away from the kitten, she thinks it's dying. So Terry took him up first. Two days later, I kept walking by. And Harry was, Harry is a beautiful fucking cat. But he was an amazing-looking kitten.

I have pictures on Harry on my iPod. When you look at Harry as a kitten, you'll die. I kept walking past Harry me, meowing at me. Harry me out at me for eight hours. I was out there doing like stretching. At that time, I was 400 pounds. I didn't know what to do. And I would just stretch.

Yeah. I was like, this will help me burn fat. I would just stretch. And he kept me out. Me on. I kept calling Terry. This kid and won't stop me out. And she came home.

We brought him up. And that's Demmy's brother, Harry. Yeah. Jimmy and Harry were fucking beautiful. But Harry was fucking beautiful. But Jimmy was the crazy one. And Harry was the family one like he is now. Yeah.

Harry's my buddy. Harry's a great man. Dimmie is a fucking knucklehead. So you'd be sitting there like watching TV. And he just jump on you with his fucking claws out. Oh, no. Come out flying and tear off. He was a good cat.

He didn't mean harm by it. He was a great cat. So we called him Princess. Okay. First. We thought he was a girl. Oh, okay. We thought he was a girl at first.

We were like, Princess, Princess. So one day, she took him to the vet, and she's like, you're not going to believe this fucking princess is a prince. So we didn't want to call him Prince. She goes, what do you want to call him? And he did something right then and that. He jumped and clung onto your arm. He would jump off a wall and just climb onto your arms and be, and not in a bad way.

He just want to play. Yeah. So you look at him and go, Demi, why do you do this to me? What the fuck did I ever do to you to do? And that's, hence came to name Demi. Oh, my God. But yeah, that's a crazy fucking movie. It's a fucking crazy movie.

And the end, it's just, she kills the fucking cop. Yeah. You know. Oh, shit. Uncle Joey. It's one of my favorite fucking people in the whole fucking world. Everyone's San Juan.

What's up, baby? Good, man, good. Where are you at? You up in Seattle? Yeah, I'm in Seattle. We have a show Saturday night. And then we went to the Fiesta, Fiesta Festival.

How was the Filipino Fiesta Festival up there? It was good. They had this Filipino food truck, and they were making, like, adobe burgers, and wonganis and sandwiches. It's pretty amazing. Good food.

Did you throw down, brother? Yeah, I threw it down, and then I threw it away in the club, in the toilet bowl. How much reef are you smoking up there? Man, dude, since I got up the plane, people just handed me joints. It's pretty crazy. Yeah, fucking Seattle was nuts. Yeah, we're from Cali, right? So we're spoiled with it.

But it's pretty good out here. Oh, that's the Pacific Northwest. It rains, where it rains, shit's growing. Yeah. And if this batch ain't good, the next batch will be better, so. Edwin, we did Paiasso Loco Slam together. Payasso Slam together. We've been friends since you were a fucking kid.

And I got to tell you, one of my favorite fucking comics, and I respect you, and I watch you, and I giggle. I'm reading the fucking Twitter last Monday. And I'm reading... First, we had a conversation on Monday. You picked up George, and you drove him up, and you told me to do some fucking benefit for the Sheriff's Department. And, Lee, read the fucking article.

This is what I read the other day. You ever read the whole article? Yeah, read the article. All right. So, a gathering attended by several hundred sheriff deputies and staff members of the LA County Sheriff's Department went awry when a comedian unleashed a stand-up routine filled with racist and sexually explicit humor, people in attendance said. Many in the crowd at the Sheriff's Day lunch and Wednesday estimated to be between 600 and 700 more uniform, including Sheriff Lee Baca, who thanked comedian Edwin San Juan with a plaque after the off-color performance, the LA Times reported. He managed to insult every ethnic group. One attendee told the newspaper requesting not to be named.

There was a lot of cringing and nervous laughter. I was sitting there thinking, are you kidding me? The event was hosted by Law Enforcement Association and was not an official sheriff department event. Bacca spokesman said Steve Whitmore told the L.A. Times and the performance will be reviewed. If anyone was offended, that was not the intent, and certainly apologies are extended.

Whitmore said, adding that he wasn't at the event so he couldn't comment on the specifics of the routine. Whitmore said he spoke to Baca and the sheriff said he became concerned that people would complain, but decided to give the comedian the plaque anyway to thank him for volunteering

to come to luncheon. And the last thing is Baca wants to remind him. Back of the sheriff wants to remind everyone that this is a comedian. No one in the department would say this. What the fuck happened? Man, I don't be a man. my stuff.

You know what I mean? They told me go ahead at Green Light and whatever one and you know first of all I'm not racist

people been because of that article people who come up me I've heard about you're the racist comedian oh my goodness

you know my stuff is based on race a lot of it's the observational and stuff that I've been through but in no way

shape of form like racist you told the brother in law joke I know you said that and they lost their fucking minds and here's the

funny fucking thing nobody's more racist than LA police department. Yeah, right. Fucking hilarious, Edwin. When I read this, I was like, when I read that he was looking at the performance for review,

that's when I said, these motherfucking people have lost their fucking mind. There's so many things going on in L.A. right now. And they're fucking worried about little Edwin's Elwanda. Never has offended anybody. That's the sweetest guy in the world. This is why you got to drive

with your hands up in this fucking town. If they thought you're racist, don't shoot me. They'll put a bazook up my fucking ass. Well, the thing is, they said that, oh, yeah, we're fans of yours. We know your comedy.

We want to have you at our event. And when I was there, everything was smooth. You know what I mean? And I was up there for half an hour. And if they were so offended by it, I would have been pulled off the stage in like three minutes.

You know what I mean? But I went on for half an hour. And I felt some tension, but after I addressed it, everything kind of eased up, and it was great. At the end of the event, I was shaking hands,

picking pictures. I brought my mom there. You know, they gave me a plaque, and it was all good, but soon as I get home, my emails are blowing up, ABC's,

NBC's calling me up for interviews. It was wild, man. That is fucking. Oh, and it's great, because fuck it. You just got booked an extra 11 weeks. The KKK is using you next summer

for that big shebang. It's the first thing. time they've ever used the Filipino, but they're out of white comics that hate. So, fuck it. It put me out a map. I mean, like, Ontario tickets, I'm at the improv next week, and then the tickets sell the jump, you know? People are like, I don't know what about the LAPD or at the Sheriff's Department, but I want to see Edwin's down on now. Hey, so you'll be at Ontario this Friday coming, the first and the second?

Yeah, first through the fourth. Oh, shit. Look at fucking Edwin's shit. Yeah. Man, so yeah, yeah. Edwin, when I read that article, dog, I knew that life is fucking crazy because you, it's amazing.

It's, and I gather there's got to be a lot of Filipino cops, right? Yeah, I mean, there wasn't any there. Well, there was one Filipino cop out there. But you know what, the Sheriff's Department is getting flagged for us because they didn't do their homework, you know? It's like, it's like, it can't fault me. I'm just doing my stuff.

I've been doing common for 15, 16 years, and I've taken my act internationally, you know what I mean? All around the world throughout the United States, and they've never had problems with anything, you know. And so they look bad because they have a lot of racial issues and a lot of, he's under scrutiny, you know. A lot of people, I don't know, I think they don't want, they don't want Sheriff Falka there, so they're trying to,

it's political election year, you know, trying to get him out of there. So I just got caught up and all that politics. It's so weird that when, you know, I live in a couple different cities, I've been arrested in a lot of fucking places, New York, New Jersey, you know, like just, I've been arrested in not Texas, I've been arrested in Colorado, I've been arrested in Idaho. You know, knocking wood, I've never had any problems in California, but the cops here are different than anywhere else.

A week after 9-11, not even a week after 9-11, maybe three days after 9-11. I got a $400 ticket for parking in a handicapped spot. Not parking in the spot. My tire was on the line because the first car I parked over, so everybody had a shift over. And this is how it went down. I pulled into that spot, and I got out of the car.

And as I got out of the car, you know, when people coming into the 7-Eleven, I held the door for somebody. And I actually saw a cop go by and see my car, made a U-turn, and wait for me to come. come out and threw me a ticket. And I tried to talk to him. I said, are you fucking serious?

Look at that car in the front. He goes, it doesn't matter. Even if your door gets hit. I mean, this guy was just, and I couldn't believe it. And that's the one night I had contact. Then another night I was headed to go get Coke, and I made a left turn on sunset, and this Japanese cop pulled me over. I swear to God, they were going to throw me in jail for not having a license. Some drunk was walking across the street from coaching horses,

and he goes, hey, Joey. Diaz and he started talking to me and I'm like I'm under arrest and the cop goes you know this guy and they started talking and that's how the cop left me off and I see him from time to time but I remember how fucking rude he was how rude this cop was and I was on my best fucking behavior I was going to get coke I just want to go get a package and go home I wasn't doing anything wrong they didn't know what the fuck was going on but the point of the story is that I've never had good contact with cops out here like they never like you could talk I drive by Hollywood Boulevard sometimes. I'm going to get to 101.

And you see a cop pulled over, but he's not even pulled over right. His ass is sticking out. So people got to drive around them and shit. And you see what the fuck he's doing. He's talking to a homeless dude that's laying on the floor puking. Leave the motherfucker. They let him choke. But you pulled the fucking car in sideways

like Batman to go talk to this motherfucker. Now you're scaring more white people than what you're hurting. It's fucking amazing. It's like that. And then all, every morning I wake up at when somebody else is getting shot. Then I seen that fucking video of them shooting a fucking dog. Whether it's all thrown, it's LA police.

It's all thrown in one. These cops out here are a little fucking different, bro. Yeah, and he didn't just shoot the dog once. He laid several bullets in that dog. That's crazy. You know what I mean? Filipinos were pissed. Oh, that's such good meat.

Can you imagine? Oh, my God. Now, let me, what happened to that fucking cop? Did he get suspended or thrown off the force? It's under investigation. and that fucking man that guy's gonna die a slow fucking cancer in his knees

St. Lazarus is gonna fucking like Michael Vick St. Lazarus will throw a fucking, you know what, Catholics and me I got that Santa Maria shit going in there I don't fuck with dogs at all dog that's St. Lazarus's property that motherfucker will get put cancer in your ankles

every time you take a step you'll think of fucking going back to church and shit that's just the way it pans out in the fucking world of boo-doo. Look at the fucking Jew over there Cutting a coconut in half What else is going on? I know what we're saying once

So have you heard from them? Are they going to put you on comedy probation? What are they going to do? I just think, yeah, by media, really. I actually called the Sheriff's Department and ask them if everything was all right And they were pretty much saying, yeah, everything's fine, you'll be okay.

Just one or two people that had a wild hair at their ass for Sheriff Baca. So they were just telling me, you know, it should be all good. And it's amazing. I just want to get on the air and clarify myself, let everybody know that. You're not a racist, but they're fucked up. They messed up, if anything. They're asking me, do I want to apologize?

I mean, for what? If I apologize, me being sorry for me, for being who I am, they fuck that. You know, they mess up. It's like, it's like if they were to hire a stripper and send her to the wrong house, you know, or send a stripper to a child's party, and then they're going to get mad the stripper, but they fucked up by sending the stripper to the wrong address. You know, I'm just doing their job. They got fucked up for getting angry.

That's what they got fucked up about. The L.A. Police Department and sheriffs and cops in general have no, they have so much on their mind to worry about some fucking young comic saying some fucking shit up on stage that doesn't affect their life at all. Shame on them, Edwin. Never take shame on yourself. These fucking people that they walk around with their so, so mighty, they don't even, they've got to stick so far up their fucking ass.

They can't even fucking laugh at somebody. They don't even know what's real and what's fucking fake. anymore. So shame on then. I got the same fucking problem, Ed, when I finally put it in perspective, shame on fucking you, if you go out and you can't fucking laugh. I would be ashamed to myself if I ever went out. You know how many things I've gone to that suck?

You don't see me going home and writing a fucking movie or getting on the internet or writing a letter. If you're fucking fat, you're fat. Take it for what it is. If you're a fucking, you know, don't feel bad at it. When you're a fucking tremendous comedian, brother, we're going to go down to listen, if you motherfuckers ain't doing it on this week, go see one of the best racist comments you'll ever see.

Fuck it. If you're black, Chinese, bring a fucking earmuffs, cock suckers. No, let me tell you something. I've worked with it. Edwin, how many shows have we done together for the lover fucking... Oh, countless. Jesus Christ. I've been doing 16 years. I've known you the whole time, man. My mentor, I look up to you. Oh, I love you. I love you guys to death, man.

So, no, no, when I read this, I wanted you to fucking speak your mind and tell us what fucking happened. What jokes did you do at? Who'd you piss off? Man, I ran through the gambit. Because, you know, my whole angle was how everybody makes fun to Asia. So, you know, I opened up the door for that, and I made fun of myself. And then I just, you know, let them have it from Latinos to blacks, Koreans, Indians. But I put fun of everybody equally fair, you know, and just bring out things.

But that's what got me tripping was because they were saying I was making negative comments towards Koreans and Indians. But if you listen to my set, actually, not just people. kick out things here and there. You see, I'm defending Asian. You're defending. Yeah, yeah, I know how you're acting. Yeah, yeah, you're saying, this is, now you're not here to make fun.

You know, I ain't no fucking... Yeah. So... I was at the last factory after they crash the plane, and people already make an Asian jokes about the pilot and shit. And I got to tell you something. When I heard about it, I didn't even think about it that way. That's how anti-fucking racist I am.

I mean, I'll say chink from time to time. I don't hate no buddy. I eat Chinese food. I love Chinese. Bruce leaves my fucking idol. Who are you kidding? I mean, that didn't bother me. I'm so used to everybody making fun of Asians

that didn't bother me, but what I thought was insensitive was all the people that died on the plane. You know, they're poking humor and joking at that. But, like... Did you see that fucking stewardess dog that was carrying people out? That cute stewardess?

Did you guys see that on World News tonight? There was a stewardess that was carrying people out. She weighed 110 pounds, little Korean girl, was picking fucking people up. Kids, the whole thing. She saved a couple lives, man. That was... It's fucked up when you see those things.

It's fucked up to see what. how you'll act. How people run back to get their fucking carry-on luggage and shit. You know, shit like that. You just see how people like. So you're in Ontario this weekend. What's the phone number of Ontario, the improv over that?

949. What the fuck is it down there? Oh, man. 6-26. It's Ontario Improv. I can't fucking, you know, when I'm going away this. Improft.com, I would tell you I was going down there on Thursday, but I'm going away this fucking weekend with my family.

It's the first time we're going away with the fucking baby and the wife. I'm home to follow him. How's the newborn going? Edwin, you know how it is, dog. Beautiful. Yeah, yeah. I'm very fortunate. My wife's giggles.

What's the number, Lisa? Yeah, you bad motherfucker. 9.09. 9. 484. 54-11. So get down there. See, my man.

Who's down there with you at when you got the trap? You got my man Perez this week? Who you got down there? George Perez coming down, doing some guest ads. I got Eli Nikolukkah. Oh, shit. Yeah, we call ourselves the polite tour Because everybody's really nice on our tour

We're just opening doors to each other We're all Asian-doubt How sweet is Ico? Oh, man, she's tremendous She really is a fuck Somebody told me they were sick one day And that they heard a knock on the door And Ico brought them like Japanese soup

With fucking With rice You know, like fucking some type of food Whatever sushi Fucking Ico's a sweetheart That's a nice fucking show everyone I wish some people go down there and see you and see what the fuck is crackleck and

Edwin I love you and I'm proud of you and I know when I read it I was proud of you I just laughed my ass off because you stood your ground that's what comedy's all about bro comedy is not about doing comedy for them and you stuck with it you heard the insecurities in the room didn't you you heard him yeah Edwin

about fucking the year I got clean the weekend that Marilyn Martinez died I got hired that same weekend to do two things to do a benefit for the police department in Hoboken on a Friday night and a benefit from my high school basketball team the fucking Friday night I walked into this whole Boken police department where I had grown up pretty much I know all about Hoboken I know the people the players down there the whole fucking day and I got up on that stage

and I started doing material to cater to them they had to be three 400 people in the room they had an open bar in the back I could see the undercover cops a little high on blow. You know, I could see who was smoking dope. It's cops. And I could see the Christian ones, you could see. And I went up to Edwin, and I did what I thought I had to do for like

six minutes. Edwin and I was dying. Right. And after six minute, Mark, I just opened up a can of whoopass on these motherfuckers. Coke and eating pussy with Coke rocks and the rest of niggas and Puerto Ricans and Spicks and Cubans. And I just

went off about Hoboken history and Sinatra and Jimmy Roselli. I just went off drugs and oh my God that one I went off because I didn't have him anywhere at the six minute mark. I wasn't going to go down in friends. The guy that hired me was a kid who loved me. He's still a Hoboken police department.

I could tell this kid. I grew up with his brother, me and his brother were the same age, but this kid was younger than me and he always loved me and I loved him. And he grabbed me as I got off that stage. He goes, here's the money, Doug. I got to walk you to the door. I swear to God, he walked me to the fucking door.

He's like, you've got to get out of here now. these motherfuckers you offend with everybody he goes but I love it and some cops are giving me the hands up and other ones were like writing my name down so if they ever pulled me over that fucking deal oh yeah I didn't give a fuck fuck those motherfuckers and I love

cops but you can't you're a cop you can't fucking judge brother fuck these cocks suckers everyone you got me all fired up you smoking dope everyone uh constantly daily did you smoke this morning already yeah health's my arthritis you know what I mean that's why I love it

It cleans the arthritis on, and you can bang one out. So hopefully I'll see you this weekend for you motherfuckers who don't know. Everyone's like a little brother to me. Please go catch them this weekend. Do what you need to do. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and fucking Sunday. And where could they follow you, Edwin? I'm on Instagram, Twitter.

You know, it's Edwin San Juan, Facebook and Twitter, Edwin S. Hey, can I say something real quick before I leave? You can say what the fuck you want? You know, because of this, all the comments that I respect, have been reaching out to me like ralphi mayne Jeff Garcia Felipe Rudy and they're all like you know

we're supportive and stuff and actually on the congratulatory tip where everyone else who doesn't know about comedy is their worry are you okay is everything all right but you know just taking something negative

and flipping it positive man and just to get the comments and the feedback from from comics that I respect don't never be ashamed of doing your fucking job never get never be ashamed of getting your dick sucked and that's what you did.

You got your dick sucked because they got all offended mentally. So basically, you got your dick sucked on on the moses fucking level. You understand me? So fuck them. Fuck them.

That's why I love you. I love you to death. I wasn't worried about you. I know you were loving it at home. You were in church at your mom fucking Wednesday morning jumping up and down. You let like a hundred candles. You're fucking.

You know, it's funny. We were watching the news. I told her mom, we're going to be on that news. And she's looking at it and she doesn't even know what's going on. She's just looking at me

and seeing her on TV too because I took a picture with her and she's like, we're famous. They're going to put us on Jeopardy. They're on TV. They're going to be on, who wants to be a millionaire. I'm proud of you, well, you know, I've always loved you, and this is, I'm proud that you stuck to your guns. And that's why, that's what Bill Hicks wanted.

That's all the great ones, Lenny Bruce. That's what they did. They stuck to their fucking guns. So guess what, bro. You just became one of the great ones. And that's why I loved you. That's why I wanted you on the podcast. Thank you.

Thanks for having me, man. And the holes keeping me in consideration. And 8 o'clock Thursday, right? Yes, sir. If I could get down there, I'll try my hardest. I love you, Edwin. All right. Call whenever the fuck you want, your family here.

You know that. Whenever you want to call in, just let me know. Thanks so much, man. I told you love. So, as we were telling you before, my main man, Edwin called, then please support this kid. This kid's a fucking great kid, guys.

Great. And let me tell you something. In L.A., you guys that support all these fake fucking pot smokers, this is one motherfucker you got a support he showed up with a pipe one time in his arm

he used to drive around with a pipe in his arm that he would take out of his sleeve that had to be 18 inches of a pipe one night

he took that out in front of Ari we fucking died me and Ari I go Ari what I tell you this kid ain't fucking fake but anyway

before the break we're talking about Gary Bowhannon who had called the podcast three or four times you know I grew up with Gary

he had a bag of mushrooms in front of me he was in Attica you know this is where you really have to thank people So he gets out of jail. He's in jail.

How long was he in there, Edwin? 21 years, the flying Jew? 21 years, 22 years? 21 years, 22 years. He gets out of there. Already, he's institutionalized. So what does New Jersey do? They put him in a halfway house for a couple months.

There's no work in New Jersey. So they're threatening him that they're going to put him back in fucking jail because there's no goddamn work, okay? This is so you people learn. This is why I don't buy into the system. This is why I don't buy into fucking anything. The system is always fucking against you. Lee and I were having a conversation.

about genes and how there's certain people that it's in their genes to hold other people down it's not their fucking fault but this isn't what we're talking about here we're talking about my my friend who's not an innocent don't get me wrong bo-hannon's a fucking nut case just like me nobody's an innocent here so gary goes to live with daddy b wins who is making giving him a job giving him a stable house danny b wins 20 years ago was just as crazy as i was today he's a set man he's a father he's a great husband he's been with his wife he's very stable in his life he's got a home he offered Gary a job was paying Gary was taking care of Gary the state went in there and said that he could not live there because Danny had beer in his house

even if they tested Gary all the fucking time and he came back negative for alcohol it didn't matter so when he had he has a lot of barbecues they live on a block of cul-de-sac and he goes in the summer the parents all the kids get together so what you're telling me is I can't have one beer in my refrigerator. The point is that Danny doesn't drink. He just didn't want to live under those rules. There was other things that Danny saw at the same time. You know, Gary was in for 21 years. He wanted to get what he, he wanted to get what was coming to him after 21 years, but it doesn't work that way, guys. It'll take you five years to get everything back after 21 years. Only in the Sopranos do you come out. And a week later, you're making $50,000. You understand? Only on TV.

Yeah. So they made him move back to New Jersey. Gary gave him a fistful of money and told him to go back to New Jersey and get a job. Well, Gary didn't do that. He moved in with some girl, and he got back to drinking and smoking. He had no family support. He had nothing. So do you understand what I'm trying to say here?

Gary's no innocent, but the system pushed him. The kid stayed out in, what, 16 months? Not even though. So I guess last week one day they found out that he carjacked somebody. and got arrested for robbing the bank on the way out, he carjacks somebody with a weapon or something. Gary will never see Daylight again.

When I first heard, I was going to have Danny call up today, but my feelings are still, I'm still in shock. Because when you hear this type of shit, it breaks your heart. And again, I'm mentioning it's eight fucking times. Gary is no innocent. But if the state would let him live with Danny, wherever the fuck they were living,

he would have had a job, a place to sleep, a warm bed, and maybe this could have been avoided. Yeah. So next time you hear a fucking negative report in the news on the fucking this or that, always think that there's two sides to every fucking story. And I'm telling you right now, Danny would have kept Gary. I feel bad for Danny. I haven't even spoken to him.

I just read all the Twitter things and little messages he sent me. I feel very bad for Daddy because I know that he tried. I feel bad for myself because I don't like when somebody gets thrown back in jail by the pillars of society. On top of that, Lee's been my friend for two years. And Lee knows that he's helped me dramatically in my career. You've been a dear friend, and we've worked together. And we've, since the beginning, I've always warned Lee. It's not like I've warned Lee is I've protected Lee from the evils of comedy.

You know, you people at home see a comedian, and there's a stage and a microphone, and you see him come out, and he giggles and he laughs and shit like that. And on paper, the career looks very glamorous. But there's fucking obstacles to this career. And it's not the drugs. It's not the money. It's not the agents. It's a comedian themselves sometimes.

You know, they don't like a certain comic or whatever. I'm not the most popular guy in the world. You know, I have a good heart, whatever, but I always speak my mind. And because I have a certain background, people in their hearts never believe that you change. My wife and I had a great conversation about once she first started dating me, how many comics came out of the woodwork and warned her about me. Really? Oh, God.

She laughs her ass off. And in retrospect, now she saw it. She goes, the people that you hung out with came up to me and warned me against you because they always felt in your heart you were going to turn on them. What are those people feel like today? So I've been telling Lee for years,

watch this guy, watch this guy, watch this move, watch this move. I'm up at the Ice House this weekend. And, you know, I'm headlining with Dom. No big deal, which is, to me, it's a fucking honor. I watch Don on the Rodney Danger feel special, you know. And this is what you guys have done to me. You guys have...

I make funny jokes and maybe I make you laugh and maybe I take you out of a tough spot in the daytime. But you guys have elevated me into being on stage with Dom Rivera. That's what you guys have done for me. You've made me step up to the pump. So never think this is a one-way fucking street.

But with success comes a lot of stupidity. And stupidity I'm prepared for. I see a lot of dumb shit. And I always tell you that these motherfuckers don't like me. Joe Rogan told the world That was the funniest guy in the world. So for people to get along with Joe, they have to agree with him. But deep down inside, they could give a fuck about me and they'd give a fuck about Joe.

And we both seen them. I'm on a plane with Joe. Alone with Joe, we laugh about certain fucking morons that think. I'm used to it. I don't really give a fuck. But you know what? I've earned my way. You know, I've done my fucking movies.

I've done my TV show on my way. I've gone to acting class. I've written these fucking things. I mean me and Lee have done all this shit. But this weekend Lee saw a difference. different tastes this. I don't know how many comics were up there, how many comics came by, and they all wanted the same thing. They all wanted a fucking guest set. You know, these are people that have thousand things going on in their lives, and I never hear from them.

Never hear from them. Never a fucking friendly fuck you. You know, only one kid. I saw him, waved at me and left me alone. Then I went and got him with Jimmy De La Vala, but by that time it was too late to get him on stage. He's a great kid, Jimmy. I bust his balls all the time. He's an actor in town stand-up. But it's so weird how I told Lee that, and Lee saw it. I believe you see, and how after they asked and after they got no, they got up and left. There was no more conversation with Joey. Oh, we're going to go get a drinking car. Nobody fucking came back.

But it's so weird the things you see. And yeah, at times I'm jaded and Lee looks at me kind of weird, and he might go in his car and go fucking Joey. But now you start to see it. Why? You don't even let it go through you because you have a job to do every day. Yeah. People are going to like you and people going to not like you.

You know what? Fuck them and fuck them over. You have a job to do every day, people. And along the way, people's feelings are going to get hurt because maybe you become successful. Maybe you get something that they don't think you deserve. It's not for them to think whether you deserve it or not. You know whether or not what you did. I slept in the fucking back of a fucking car for a summer.

You know, I took shits and showers at Ralphie May's house and Josh Wolf's house. You guys have heard all the fucking stories. You know, and yes, I fucking struggle with drugs and whatever, but I hung in there. And this is why we're here because we hung in with something. so don't ever let somebody's judgment of you or whatever get in your fucking way you got a job to do if they're going to get their fucking feeling and say you see you see I have no you see it dog

but when at the end of the week there's a thousand people I think I'm funny but I don't go on their fucking podcast you know there's a thousand people who think I'm funny but they don't invite me to their fucking rooms so always keep that in fucking mind me I don't give a fuck about none of these cocksuckers I really don't wait I just have a fucking good time

I want to give a shout out to my friend Ted Kaplan that little baby boy, Benjamin. I want to give another to Benjamin Shack, my man from San Diego. Big Ben from San Diego. That's a good fucking dude. That really is. He emails me every week.

Very positive. This week he came up. He gave with both Starbucks cards. And thank you cards. And thank you cards. And the San Diego crew with the hot blonde that came up, those fucking crazy white dudes. Michael Cata, Casey Sims.

My man, Jupiter, fucking wife. I don't know, Jiu Jitsu wife. That's my girl. Alex Escobar, Brian Cote, Alan Beryl, and Joey Rookland. I love you, sexy bitch. I love my girl Joey Rookland on Facebook.

That bitch is hot and shit. It's one of my Irish freaks and shit. Don't forget this fucking Wednesday, July 31st. Me, Lee Syatt, Herb Dean, we're doing a live podcast up at the Ice House. 8.30, 10 bucks to get in. 10 fucking dollars on Wednesday. What are you going to do?

Sit at home. 10 fucking dollars. You come on. You smoke some dope and you're home by 11 o'clock. August 22nd to the 24th, Mrs. Obama shaved that fucking monkey. Uncle Joey's coming in first class. I'm going to DC Improv. And August 14th, we're back at the fucking Ice House.

Another live podcast. So get your shit together, bitches. Don't forget. We love you. We hear a week. Talk to me. You haven't said nothing all day. What happened?

Yes, I have. You haven't said nothing. I love him. What are you doing this week? What's going on with the girlfriend? You don't see the girlfriend doing it? Not, I mean, when I work nights, I couldn't. But maybe now I couldn't, if I wanted to.

It's hard about the fucking traffic. But, no, everything's going. I can't wait for the live podcast. It's my favorite night of the month, and now we're going to start doing more of them. Two of them. We've had a Saturday. We might fucking, we're going to Portland to do the live podcast.

We're going to try to bring it to your fuck. I'm telling you, 2014 is going to be great. We're both going to start doing. How's the eating? We've been killing it lately. I was worried. I hadn't weighed myself for a couple weeks. I actually do try to keep good.

I haven't gotten to like the fast food, but I was worried. I was like, shit, I'm out of gain weight, and I didn't. I hadn't lose weight, but I stayed where I was. And I was like, fuck, thank God. So I got to start doing it again. But it's tough when you get off of it. So I have to get back on it. And what I really have to do is, because Big Ben was telling me, he lost like 90 pounds.

I really have to start doing the working out thing. I hate it. I hate it. And it's something that I just have to do, even though. Even though I hate it, I have to turn around. I've learned, like I told you, a lot of people reached out to me last week in emails and stuff. A lot of great diets. A lot of great ideas.

I'm making notes this morning. Like I said, I had the protein shake and some fucking fruit. But Friday night, I was fucking hungry. When I do comedy and I do two shows, like, I don't eat at night. Guys, I do not eat at night at all. At all, I eat an apple or something. Fucking Fridays and Saturday nights, especially two shows. Like, sometimes I force it just because the Taco Man is out.

Yeah. But fucking Friday night, I was starving. I don't know what my wife made. It was a small dinner. Yeah. She made like two little pieces or something like rice and a vegetable and a fish. And I went out that night, and those two shows, all that weed. We were, and I didn't eat at the ice house.

Yeah. You know, the burger looked delicious and stuff. I just don't eat that. And when we got to that fucking taco man, I killed them for like four fucking tacos with the pick of the gallo and the onions and the cilantro. Yeah. And then yesterday I got to go to the YMCA, so thank fucking God. I got to get on that fucking epileptical for just 40 minutes,

and I stretched and I hit the bag, and I did some hip escapes. They have this big room so I can practice some jih Tzu moves. Okay. I'm terrible. I'm trying to get endurance with him. So you've got to work. You know, you got to work. It's like comedy, man.

You know, I compare my martial arts training to a lot of comedy. You have to do it. You have to practice. I compare hip escapes and backwork to writing. So we're just trying to put it together. Go to fucking on it. Hulu Plus is fucking killing. My wife is in love with it.

They just added something. And I can't remember what the fuck it is. They just, now when do they put new movies on there? They put new movies and shows all the time, but when the season starts for TV shows, the next day for a bunch of shows, they put them out there. That's what she was saying the other day. So she really likes that.

So Hulu Plus. Let me tell you something, man. We get emails every other day. I just got one for Slipper Company, meat griddle things for guys. Listen, guys, if I look at shit and it don't pertain to us and I can't, I don't think I'm doing something for you. I love movies and television. That's a certain way we could share our taste.

So that's the reason why I push Hulu fucking plus on you guys. And it's not a bad deal. It's two fucking weeks. Two weeks, gratis with the fucking code. And then it's $7.99 a month. That's a grande cappuccino and a scone, all right? Cut it out. This is $7.99.

That's $2 a fucking week. And you can watch 20,000 television shows. $2 a week. Tell you Uncle Joey don't fucking love me. Tell you, tell me again, how I don't fucking love your cock suckers. Do what you got to do. You get out, you get some Chinese food or a salad, or maybe you put some beats and some fucking kale together,

you smoke a number, you eat the girl's ass, and you watch fucking Hulu Plus. Who's fucking better than you? That was my favorite line from the call. I'm not racist. I mean, I eat Chinese food all the time. Yeah, what the fuck? I ain't racist, though.

I can't be racist. I love the fucking. I love this shit too much. I love people too much. How can I be fucking racist? I talk shit. I don't have the heart to hate nobody, dog. I feel bad for you when I mount you in Jiu-Jitsu.

When I get on top of somebody, I feel bad for them. That's how hard I got. Come on. The fuck you think you're dealing with it. It's Monday morning. Get up. Get up. Write your fucking goes.

Wash your fucking feet. See what you really want to do. Be happy. Smile at motherfuckers. Tell somebody you don't like that. You love them today. Just for today. Tomorrow you can tell them they suck dick.

But for today, tell them I love you, just so you feel better about yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, I love me. Do something, cocksucker. You know what I'm saying? Before we go, I realize we haven't talked about it. How's Gray doing ever since you got it? Is she doing okay? Gray is tremendous.

I only got one problem with Gray now. You ready? She won't leave the bedroom. She's there all fucking day, all night sleeping. Every time I move, she wants me to pet her. But she doesn't let me hug her on my terms. She likes to get close to me on her terms. So this time I hug her and she takes off, she bites my hand and she takes up.

And in the middle of night, I go to turn, I can't turn. She's right on my fucking hip. Oh, really? Right on my hip. So I got to, like, grab her and pick her up, and she cries. She gets his hip. Gray's a sweetheart. She's just a bitch.

It's nothing good. What am I going to do? But she loves me, and I love her. So what am I going to do? Even my wife is like, she's under the blankets. That's my spot. Yeah, I was worried about her. And that picture you put up with you and Mercy and Superbad the other day?

Last week. Every day when we watch SpongeBob Mercy Superbad jumps up and dives on my leg. And he flips around and me and Mercy rub his stomach. That's like 10 minutes of the fucking morning every morning.

So it's always great, brother. It's like my man Chris Cornell said, man, and I fell on Black Days. You wake up to this euphoria and when they take it away, it's fucking done. And that's it.

You motherfuckers got shoutouts. You got Hulu. You got a podcast. You got my main man, Edwin San Juan. You got dates. You go to Joey Coco Dears. You go to Honor through there. You go to Hulu Plus on the banner there and click on there.

You got T-shirts on joey-deers.net. J.R. was up. I got to get J-R. on the fucking podcast with his shirt company and shit, cock sucker. I love J-R. He was here last week. You don't call. I'm going to call him later and fucking send him a stabbing that fucking. That's my main black dude down in Arizona sending out T-shirts and shit.

I love him. But that's it. That's all I got for you. We're developing a patch for the show. Yeah. I'll find out this week. My man on the mat. Guy company, Scott, I'm going to talk to him.

Maybe him and Salami could do something for him. He could get a nice geese for patches for the church of what's happening now. So when you're rolling on the mat, you can think of my fat fucking ass doing it, and you could get inspired and get up and tackle that motherfucker. That don't work. A bite to the neck always does. You ever bite somebody in the neck, Lee? No.

When do you bite people in the neck? There you go. Was that a fart? That was a little fart. It's only like you hit something. Ooh. It's like a fish. I smell the... It's like a little fish.

Milkshake fart. I love you guys. Have a great fucking day. You're going to get a live podcast on Thursday and rock your fucking socks, all right? Lee Syed. Hit it, cocksucker. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet.

Support this podcast. an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Motherfuckers. Oh shit. This ain't one of my favorite Van Hale now, but this jam's a fucking savage. Hitily! Have a great day, people.

Much love to everybody.