The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #075 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, June 28th..... This Episode is entitled "THE SUIT DON'T FIT"……… This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com & BlueChew..... Go to https://www.Stamps.com PROMO Code: JOEY Go to https://www.BlueChew.com and enter PROMO Code: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on: Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, October 28th. We're back, bitches. Without the herpes. Listen, the join is brought to you by Stamps.com. I got boxes of 400 fucking mugs going out, and who do you think is helping me? Stamps.com, and I don't have to go nowhere. You're still going to the post office, aren't you? I bet you're paying full price on postage also. That's why I use Stamps.com. I send letters, I ship packages. I got a friend in jail. I mail them a letter every two weeks. Anytime, anywhere, right from my fucking computer.

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Listen, I'm very sorry about last week. It was just too rough of a fucking week. You know, my daughter was, uh, she had three half days, then school ended on Wednesday. I shot the TV show a day and a half. I had to go all the way to fucking Queens and all the way to fucking Brooklyn.

I'm never going that fucking sacks. city again, Jesus Christ. There were squeegee people everywhere, people knocking on my fucking windows. I was telling Mike, the guy, I went to make a right turn. I swear to God, the guy had the right to make a right on the corner.

The light had a fucking arrow. And some guy just crossed in front of him and started giving them the finger and shit. Listen, I'm not going over there no more. Not until if they fucking clear that out or they hire a new fucking man. But we're here to talk about something that I wanted to get off my.

chest with you motherfuckers for the last 10 months. That's why last week was fucking crucial. You know, we had Father's Day last week. Mike wanted to spend it with his kid. I had the fucking softball tournament, which they fucking ended up winning. She got a trophy. She was happy. You know, it's just a lot of things. And it's good to take a break once in a while. You don't want to be a slave to your fucking job, dog. It's good to take a break and sit on the couch and fart and smell your farts. Ain't nothing to fucking wrong with that. You know, I try to relax. Listen, guys, I don't know how to fucking relax.

And every time I try to relax, something fucking happens. My wife bought a hammock. Beautiful hammock. Mike, it holds 400, 500 fucking pounds. She hung it up perfectly. I go, let me go relax, like a regular fucking American, right? Because I'm never relaxed. I don't understand that.

You ever see people in a lounge chair and they go, like, to a fucking, like, into a trance? I've tried going into a trance. It don't work for me. So I go out to the fucking thing. Let me just go out there. My daughter and my wife are upstairs. So I go in the backyard. It's kind of cloudy out.

I don't know what to expect. I just want to relax and see. Get a little wilderness. So I lay in the hammock. Dog, it went all the way down. Boom. Like, it just didn't even swing or nothing. So I was like, what am I going to do?

I'm a fat fuck. So I just, I swear to God, I just crossed my arms. And I'm like, I'm going to die in there. And I just looked up at the trees for about 15 minutes, just breathing. It was beautiful. then it started raining and I'm like fuck and I said fuck it

you know because she's not going to hear my cries I wouldn't even yell I was just going Terry Terry and I'm like I know she's not going to hear me so I just sat in the fucking

hammock getting rained on looking at chip monks and shit and next thing you know my wife comes out I was like Joe Joe and I'm like I'm over here in the hammock

she fucking almost died of fucking laughter she goes it's all the way to the floor How are you even enjoying it? Like, well, I wasn't. I was making believe I was in a canoe. I took myself to a place where I was in a canoe.

I was with Indians. I was taking a nap. We were crossing over the bridge. It never ends in my fucking life, you know. I go to relax the one day. I go to the softball. Listen, I work out in the mornings and then to decompress just not to ride the bike and stuff. I go for a little mile walk.

You know, it's two times around the thing, three times around the thing. sometimes I smoke a number sometimes I just go straight and absorb the vitamin C you're not going to believe this Mike I'm walking I'm minding my own business I'm not on the fucking phone I'm just walking thinking about life

looking at rocks and shit you know what you do when you're in the wilderness and I look up and there's a fucking deer running at me and I'm not talking about he's like you know you know how usually you just see him and they see you and they start bouncing fuck no this motherfucker was running towards me now

there's a softball field, it's got a fence, and it goes all the way around, and then there's an opening in the middle, so you could cut through. It divides the two fields. It's like a home run, fucking fence. So I'm walking towards the fucking fence. I don't cut through

the thing. I walk all the way around, all the way around, all the way around, then I walk to my car. Not that day. I walked once. I go, I'm feeling good. Let me walk it again. As I walk right here, I hear these weeds and

And all of a sudden I see this fucking deer just running at me. I didn't see horns or anything. I just saw a deer running at me full fucking speed ahead. So I look at him, I go, holy shit. And I start backpedaling a little bit, but I got the fucked up knee. So I had a run. You should have seen Uncle Joey running. I fucking turned around.

And I just started running from my fucking life. This deer is going to bite me or whatever the fuck they do. Next thing, you know, I don't hear him running anymore. I look. He jumped the fence. and there was an opening in the back fence and I saw two little baby she had two little babies with her

she was running them they were brand new she was just running them and they're trying to run to keep up next to and I go don't I feel like a fucking jerk off that is fucking crazy man so it was one of those weeks

don't worry about it I shot two days I lifted I did everything I had to do I feel a lot fucking better I went to the doctor we went over my fucking blood results everything's beautiful. No diabetes. The thing she was really flipping out about was the cholesterol.

I'm right on point. I'm perfect. And that's the weights. Thank you. Whoever invented weights for old fucking people. Thank you. Because it cut down on my diabetes. I don't even have diabetes,

but I'm not even close to the area. My sugar was a little high, so we're trying to figure out what it was. I'm not eating sweets, so it's probably fucking white rice or pasta. You know, ever since I moved here, I got Italians.

I'm surrounded by the best, so I got Italians over here, and they knock on the door and give you homemade pasta and lasagnas and fucking zucchini's and all this shit. So my weights down, everything is good, so we're ready to fucking rock and roll. What I wanted to talk to you guys today was something that was going on. I was feeling and through the therapist, you know, I started talking to a therapist. She helped me. I talk to my friends. I talk to Jerry Rocha.

I talked to as many people as I could. I talked to Jerry Rocha because he's facing stage four right now. Not stage four, but he just has colon cancer. God bless him. We've been communicating a lot, and nobody could give you a great advice as somebody who's staring at death. Nobody gives you good advice until they're in a position where they're appreciating life. So I've talked to a few people.

And it was weird about three weeks ago before I got this audition for this TV show. I got a, you know, you usually have to go through a wardrobe. And since we have COVID now, you're not allowed to just go over there. Like it used to be you go over there. They measure you and then you come back the next day and they put a suit on you and or they try the costumes out. Then they take a picture for the director and the director picks out your fucking suit. So as you'll see in the picture, I put it.

the fucking, she calls me up and she goes, what size suit are you? And I go, I have no fucking idea. I haven't worn a suit in fucking years. I got like 10 of them, but I just don't wear them. So I went upstairs and I grabbed the one that they gave me from Batman, the Dark Night Rises when I did the miniseries before the movie came out. I did this thing for them and I meant, I'll never forget. It's a beautiful.

It's a Calvin Klein fucking suit. They came out and they go, do you want to buy it? And I go, absolutely. It was like two days before Christmas. And they go, if you want to buy it, we'll sell for $1,200 bucks. I don't want a $1,200 suit. What am I going to do? What I need a fancy suit for, Charlie?

I ain't got no job to wear it to this. So fucking, they came back and they go, you know what, Merry Christmas. Keep the suit. So that suit was from God knows, you know, whenever I did the dark moon rises, it's a black suit. I don't even think, you know, it's like wakes and shit. When do I go to wake? So she asked me, what? the size of suit was and she goes why don't you put it on and take a fucking picture and

i put it on and my wife took a picture of it like you're seeing right now and next thing you know i mean the suit just didn't fucking fit like it was three sizes too big the pants were falling off me even with suspenders it wouldn't work but it was pretty interesting you know yeah i lost weight you know shit like that happened so in the process of me figuring out what the fuck was going on with me I had all this anxiety. You know, I walk, you know, listen, if I'm going to tell you guys to do something or give you advice, I have to follow my own advice.

You know what I'm saying? So when you're stuck, you know, you try to talk to people, but every once in a way to talk to people who aren't biased, you know, who aren't biased. Somebody's going to give you what they feel it is. And after three weeks of talking to the therapist, she goes, I've really been thinking about your situation,

your body rejecting the reason, for, you know, you not taking edibles, you not wanting to do comedy, you not wanting to do a lot of things. You know, it came to the conclusion that you don't really know in life when you're fucking happy and unhappy. Sometimes you get caught up in such a circle

that it's so repetitive. And it feels right, but it doesn't. And that's what happened when I moved here. I came back here, and I'm around normal people. and my body and my mind did not know how to handle it. I did not know how to act because for the last 23 years, I've been walking around fake people and fucking pigs, people who do anything to get to where they need to be.

Like I've told you before, this phone doesn't ring anymore. It doesn't ring, not because I don't pay the bill. It doesn't ring because I'm in Jersey. Nobody needs me for anything now. Out of sight, out of mind. It doesn't hurt my feelings. I knew the animal I was dealing with. before I got into it,

but I didn't know that I was so unhappy. And when I found out, you know, like what was really bothered, like I wrote down my triggers. I wrote them down. Listen, I did the work. I did the homework that the therapist assigned.

And I started writing down the things that bothered me. Like what gets under my fucking skin? And I just kept writing and writing and writing and writing. And it was the life I was living in Los Angeles. and I didn't know it until I go on Instagram and I look at all these other comics and the desperation I had. I'm not a desperate person.

I've never been a desperate person. But we all didn't know any better. You know how nice it is that I don't have to put my dates on Twitter anymore? Do you know how nice? You know how great that is to me that I don't have to keep putting dates on fucking Twitter that I could just be normal on fucking Twitter?

I didn't want you to think that every time you fucking look at my Twitter page or my Instagram page, it's me selling a date, you know? I got sick of doing all that shit. I just got really sick of it. I love stand-up comedy. It made me the person who I am today. But no, correction.

It didn't make me the person who I am today. It was part of what made me the man that I am today. And me stepping away from it and seeing it from a different perspective from 2,000 miles away, made me realize something. The other night, I was telling Mike that the joy I find,

listen, you can't watch TV no more. I mean, it's just, I'm to the point in my life. I watched two things this week, and I only watched them because I needed to watch these two movies. I watched To Live and Die in LA. Great movie about counterfeit money. Half the lines, I quote, are stolen from that.

John Totoro has some great lines in that movie. Have you ever seen that movie? Mike, live and dying land about counterfeit money. I don't think... Yeah, I don't think the Secret Service and the FBI were too happy with that movie. It's all about counterfeit money and how they do it. The guy that played...

I forget what his name is, William Defoe, played the fucking main guy. He was great. The guy from CSIs in it, he disappeared after that. It was a Michael Mann movie. I think it's a Michael Man movie. Don't quote me on that.

And last night I watched it, But Friday night, I watched the motherfucking crow. God damn, I was crying. I called my wife and my daughter down. I go, this is Bruce Lee's son. When he was fighting the black dude with the dreads, the guy was throwing knives at him and fucking, when he stabs the guy, the black guy up against the fucking thing,

my daughter's like, ooh. I go, yeah, it's time for you to go upstairs. You don't need to see this shit. Bruce Lee's son's about to go off. So, yeah, he cut that motherfucker up. Nice. Great movies. But besides that at night, I come downstairs.

I do a little reading. And then at about quarter to 10, I make my fucking tea. Not the Michael Jackson tea. I've cut it down. All I put in the Michael Jackson tea now is two bags of kikomo tea, kikoko tea. And I put two 25 sleepy time edibles from ABX. Tremendous. I sleep like a fucking baby.

And let me tell you what my development is. I'm getting blitzed on 50 minutes. I was getting so blitzed on 50 milligrams. I said, fuck it. Let's pop another one in there to see where it takes us. And I got to 75 milligrams. Let me tell you something. I called Lee the other night.

And Lee goes, you sound fucked up. I go, Lee, I'm calling you because I am fucked up on 75%. 75. Lee, we haven't even fucking gotten. We used to have to take 200 just to get a gig a lot of us. And then we would go up to 800,000, 1,000. 2000. I am getting high on 75

fucking milligrams. And then I smoke a little, little bit. And I come back here and I play the guitar. And then what I do is, per mic, I put an album on, and I try to play along with the album,

No Bueno. It's not working out for me. But, you know what? I'm learning different things. I'm learning like, oh, this is that chord. This is that. I don't know what it's called.

I don't know if it's a C or an E. I don't know, and I don't care. The best thing is that I'm getting therapy for music, but I made a mistake. I got really high the other night, and I put the album on Animals. Animals breaks it down for you. I'm sitting there,

I'm sitting back, and I'm taking in this animal album. Animals is about dogs, pigs. It classifies people as dogs, pigs, and sheep. Pretty fucking close to what we're living through right now. The dogs are the people that make things happen. The pigs are the fucking, these people that inflict greed

and fucking this creepy feeling on to you all the time when you see them. They're just capital as fucking pigs. That's all they are. Trust me. And that's what I consider agents in that whole scene in Hollywood. I became one of those fucking pigs without even fucking knowing. And trust me, I wasn't a pig.

Like, I got to call the other day from my agent going, listen, guess what? You could raise your ticket prices to $45. People are paying $45 for tickets. I go, why don't you fucking go jump off a fucking bridge or something like that? It's the toughest time in fucking America, and you want to charge $45 for a fucking comedy ticket? I mean, I don't even want to talk to them no more. They are just the most embarrassing people I've met in my life. But then, I got to be honest with you.

I looked at some of the comics, that some of them are still my friends, and I love them dearly, and you could see the desperation coming through the fucking screen. All that stuff, that's not the reason why I got into fucking comedy. I got into comedy to drop out to be part of a gang like the Hells Angels

without fucking motorcycles. I wanted to be a part of something. But at the end of the day, I wasn't a part of anything. I was a part of a group of guys and a group of women that's all about them and they're trying to advance them. I advance me by working hard

and living in a fucking car and driving across the country. I never expected to get to the heights that I did in comedy. I'm grateful I did. I'm happy for fucking felons that now you have a purpose. You know that you could do it.

This podcast was never about me looking down at you, me showing you what I didn't have. Oh, look at me. I'm grilling up stakes tonight. Who gives a fuck? There's people that are eating peanut bun and jelly fucking sandwiches. You know, during the pandemic, I saw people putting lobster tails up on line and shit.

People are barely fucking eating. They're scared. But this is the world we live in today. And I accept it for what it was. But ever since I moved here, I had to do something that was really rough. I had to accept my new life. I had to accept feeling normal. And that raised my anxiety.

When I'm around normal people who don't give a fuck about Instagram, I've never been around those people. I've never been around those people For the last 30 For the last 23 years I've been around people that Come into your life And they don't come into your life Like Mike came into mine

They come into your life With a fucking agenda You know So many people were contacting me With an agenda That I couldn't fucking fulfill I still got a girl now That I love to pieces

I love it of pieces And she contacts me all the time for advice and I give her the advice, and it's like, it's still not enough. I cannot help. I'm not there. I'm not there, so I can't help you. You're there. You have to make these decisions upon yourself as a comic.

But the real clinker this week, what really made me realize where I was and why I'm so happy and why I'm a different person now is because I had a long overdue conversation with Lee. In fact, we spoke two nights in a row for about an hour, and I called them to do one thing. Number one, I apologize to him. And number two, we figured out what was going on. We were enabling each other.

You know, Lee couldn't lose a pound. I couldn't lose a pound. What's Lee doing right now? He's down 100 pounds. He's dating a little fucking girl he met. He's going out. He's a complete different. It took me a while to get it.

Like, what is Lee doing? I mean, we talk every other night and stuff like this. but this conversation this week was the first time we were candidly honest with one another. And I don't know if you guys know this. I'm sorry if I'm letting this out. I think we discussed it on the podcast, on the church. Lee was seeing a therapist for a long time. Lee was seeing a therapist.

It's none of my business what he was talking to the therapist about. I would never ask him. I would break his balls and say to him what you say to you today, you know. And he would give me little bits and blur. of what she would say. So I never thought about it then. I thought about the blips and blurbs he told me this week

while I was on the phone with him. Lee was miserably unhappy, miserably unhappy. And I go, Lee, when did you see the change in me? And he goes, I started seeing you not being yourself like in, and it was after the Netflix special because I hadn't worked hard all those years to do a Netflix special that in my eyes I didn't like because I didn't like the whole

thing. I didn't like how it was treated. I didn't like the fucking how it all went down. My agent made me get a manager to get the fucking thing. And now a couple weeks ago, I got a bill from my agent for a commission from a residual check from my special. I called them up and I go, you got nothing coming to you. You know what? You got nothing coming to you? Because you can, you know, in L.A., oh, he's great friends with mine. Well, if you're you, you're a lot of you. Well, if you you go to a leger game with a fucking guy tell him listen i need my fucking guy to get a special

no he made me get a manager pay him 10% of my fucking money and then that guy grouped me in with a bunch of fucking mooks into this thing i ended up shooting it thank god with yamanika and fucking big j and fucking you know christina

ended out working i mean i had fun while i was there with christina and yamanika and fucking you know whoever else was there the nice white girl I forget what her name was. I mean, we had a great time as a crew. Brad Williams, we had a great time as a crew. But what was going on?

I didn't like. I didn't feel right. I didn't feel it was why I gotten to stand up. And that's when my dissent started. Like, I didn't even, you know, I started drinking the fucking coffees. I had to, you know, eat, you know, 600 milligrams a day before the podcast just to get through the day. I had to take two edibles at night to get on stage.

I had to drink four fucking. expressos to get on stage. I mean, these things were just, it was, it was very fucking disturbing when I look at it now. Last week, I was doing something and I went outside to check the car to see my neighbor and I come back and there's

this big box in front of the house. That was the fucking turning point. I saw this big box in front of my house and I brought it in. I'm like, I wonder what's in this fucking box. Three of the prettiest fucking bongs you've ever seen in your life. Beautiful, beautiful.

Little one, a medium one, and we'll be using them. But when I looked at it, I got, I closed the box and I put the box in the garage. When I left L.A., I had two or three beautiful bongs. I gave the $1,000 bong,

I gave it to a friend of mine because I wasn't going to leave that there. But the little mule and the big mule, I left under the sink at the old house, and I didn't look back. I don't care if the landlord found it. I don't care if the cleaning lady found it. I left them there, and without knowing, I did a bunch of stuff without knowing. Like I left the bongs there without knowing what it signified.

I left the fucking, you know, I went to the comedy store, and I really, really said goodbye. I put my hand on the wall and I said goodbye. I was saying without consciously knowing, I was saying goodbye to that whole fucking world. I was just saying goodbye. Listen, I smoke pot now. I'm not a pot head anymore. That's a big fucking difference.

I was telling Mike, I'm smoking this weed at night, this cactics buds from fucking the ice cream shop. If you get a minute, go get some cactus buds. or the regular cactus OG. It's like 35 or 36%. Woo!

Because I thought I was going to come back smoking lower end refa, but I can't find no lower end reefer. So I smoked the CBD weed for a couple weeks just to really bring down. Remember that joint? I smoked. I started taking two or three hits from it to calm me down. It really worked. Cleaned up my lungs a little bit.

You know? And now, I mean, that 60 days or whatever I did. where I didn't smoke for 30-something days, and then I just started taking one hit, one hit, because that's all you're supposed to do with this weed. You're not to be smoking blunts of the shit. You're just wasting fucking weed. No wonder I was going through an eighth in fucking two days.

I got friends that tell me an eighth last of my fucking week. I was going through an eighth in a day and a half. I would buy four-eights, and I'd be back at the store two days later. Just smoking at the office, smoking at my house, you know, whatever, smoking outside. bringing joints to the comedy store and that's great. Listen, I had a lot of fucking fun, but once

I moved here, all that shit went away. How did it go away? Did I try to what do you think I went to N.A. meeting? I said, hi, my name is Joey. I'm a pot smoke. Remember that I did it? That went to fucking celebrity rehab for smoking pot. If you go to a rehab for smoking pot, go shoot yourself. You know what the fuck is wrong with you?

You know, I had a friend who went to a rehab for smoking cigarettes. That I kind, and he went to like two rehabs for smoking cigarettes. His parents put him in a rehab for smoking cigarettes. I saw him one day. He's like, I got to smoke a cigarette fucking under the car

because they got cameras all over me. I can't smoke fucking cigarettes. You know, listen, you got a problem with fucking pills or coke or heroin. That's one thing. Weed you could do on your own.

There's really no fucking withdrawals. You get fucking, listen, I had some fucking weird dreams. I had one that had a dream. My mother was on the bed with me talking to me. I woke right the fuck up. I came down.

I threw holy water. myself. It was fucking scary. I got a little holy water from the church I go to on Sunday's little bottle just in case the devil shows up. I swear to God, I threw holy water on myself instead of fucking prayer. I had a dream about my father. I had a dream about Anna Bender. I mean, my fucking dreams were getting too fucking vivid. I was like, fuck this shit. It was like alpha brain dreams. I love doing alpha brain. But those six weeks, that cycle I put myself on, those are fucking clear dreams. I mean, you see your dick going into her ass.

You see the toilet hair. She left on her ass, the toilet paper. I mean, not that I have sexual dreams, but I'm just saying to you, that's how clear your fucking dreams are on alpha brain. So, you know, my dreams were just, it was three weeks of fucking waking up going, I didn't even remember that fucking shit with my mother, you know.

But in my conversations with Lee, I mean, both nights, we both got off the phone really fucking happy because we both got to tell each other the truth, you know. I had to stop the podcast. It had to end. It wasn't going to continue. I couldn't continue that it was great on film. What you guys were seeing was funny and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But he even said there was kind of like a fucking thing in the room, you know, and I remember nobody had ever came to that spot like that. wasn't invited. And one night I told Lee, we'll end in the podcast, August 10th, whatever. It must have been two hours after that that him and I were

wrapping up. And somebody drove by some girls and a guy and they were like, Joe, Lee, come out. And we're like, what the fuck? It's time to get out of here. Like everything was pointing at that direction.

You know, Lee was making good money. you know, we were doing good things together, but we weren't happy. We just weren't happy. You think Lee just mysteriously lost 100 pounds? He was just carried. That was the only way he was suppressing what he was feeling.

He was in pain, you know, from what I'm getting from this therapist. I was in pain. At first I was like, I think this lady's crazy. But then I started looking. And I started looking at the lives that comics have to live. and the way these agents, I remember being over here shooting the fucking soprano movie, and these agents kept calling me.

So what do you want to do about this date? What do you want to do about this date? I don't want to do nothing. I just want to shoot the soprano movie. That's what's in front of me. That's what's in fucking front of me. Let me tell you something for you young comics. I'm going to give you the best advice in the world,

and I'm thinking of writing a book on the fucking subject. Stay an open micer as much as you can. Wear that label and wear it proudly. Wear that open mic label proudly. Go out, have a great time, drink, do drugs, get your dick sucked. That's what it means to be an open micer to get into comedy. Get your click together, get your four or five guys that you live and breathe for like I had in Seattle with Josh Wolf and Brody and Tainanoo. And, you know, we just had our own little fucking click.

That's comedy. That's real comedy. That's comedy from the heart. You're making $50. You barely pay your rent. As miserable as that lifestyle sounds, it's so much fun. I had a great time in Seattle as an open micer slash beginning to feature act.

And let me tell you something. I had a great time when I got. to the store. I mean, knock on wood, she passed me. I had a great time. It was where I belong. I was having a great time there. They pay $15 a spot guy, but it's a college. You're learning. I'm following Paul Mooney. I'm talking to Rogan. I met Dice. I mean, all this was great. You know, all those early movies, I had a great time getting them. Nobody wanted to talk to me as a stand-up. Fuck you. You're not going to stop me, you know, just because you don't like my stand-up. I'm too dirty. I do this with my hand. Oh, we can't put them in Montreal. Fuck you. I never wanted to be a part of

that. I didn't know it. I remember Bobby Slate inviting me to Montreal. He said, I'll sneak you into the dirty show. And I took a flight to Detroit. And I was going to connect from Detroit. I was going to sneak into Canada to try. There was a comic that had a show in Canada. He said he'd get me in and then I could get to Montreal on my own. And I'll never forget waking up and going, I'm not going to Montreal. I wasn't invited. I'm going to go up there like a desperado and go on stage and try to do what? What am I going to get from going up there?

What am I missing? If they don't want me there, I don't fucking belong there. And I'll never forget, like, calling the airline and going, listen, I'm not going to fucking whoever, my friend and going, forget it. But I'm not going, why? I said, I'm not fucking going. And I remember that there was a comedy club down the corner. It was an African American comedy club. named Coco's Comedy Club, and I walked in there, and I said, listen, I'm here for a couple

days. Do you mind if I pop in? She was cool as fuck. She let me pop in. I got to meet some brothers. It was a great three days. It was a lot better than me going to Montreal, because I didn't belong there. And then when I went to L.A., listen, what you people forget was in 2009 after I got married, I was done. I was done. I had seen it for what it was. I moved into the valley. I had friends that were going to put me in their TV shows. I got a call from Greg Garcia last week. I'm going to Pittsburgh in September to shoot three episodes of a show

with Christina P. is in it. There's a new show for Amazon. You know, I have friends that are writers and I'll just fucking take their spoons. Whenever they call me up and go, you want to play a fucking rapist? I'm in.

What do I give a fuck? It's three days. I get insurance and I eat and I see some people and that's all I want to fucking do. But no, The podcast revolution came in. I got into it. And yes, it was very interesting at first.

It was very funny. But I think by me putting my heart on the line and telling you everything about me, then all of a sudden, 10 years later, people started taking that and using it against me. In emails and in videos, you got these guys now that have shows based on what people say and they analyze you. And meanwhile, they don't even have a fucking talent. They can't even play the fucking flute. They can't even play a fucking cowbell and they're there judging you. So I don't know what the fuck has happened to comedy.

What the fuck? But one conclusion came out of this week. I don't want to be involved in that no more. I'm going to put up regular fucking tweets now. I can put up, lick my balls. Now sniff my asshole. I don't have to worry about fucking dates. Am I saying I'm not going to do comedy again?

No, I'm not saying that. I'm not doing comedy that. no more. I'm not doing comedy that style anymore. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life and the agents. I'm acting. We're doing a podcast. On Tuesday, we signed the contract for the fucking book. We're up to Chapter 9. We got till March of 2022 to hand it in because there's so much fucking material. We're doing an audiobook. So I have so many other things going on plus the main thing I'm a father to a little girl

this week I had to do something that I thought I'd never have to do Wednesday I don't know what was going on upstairs all I know is I went upstairs and my wife was crying on the bed and I go what happened and she just went off on you know that she cleans cat shit

and all this other shit and nobody helps her and you know I try to help her as much as I can. But I think Mercy puts her over the top. They had some type of conversation and Mercy said something to her. I don't know what happened. All I know is that my wife said,

I got a leave and she got in the car and left for a half hour. I went in there and I talked to Mercy. I didn't yell. I just asked her what happened. And I go, listen, you can't have these beefs with mom. I go, now there was a party on Wednesday, a kid's party that she wanted to go to.

we punished her. And we, I made up four pages. Well, I will not argue with mom anymore. I will not argue with mom. So when she came home on the last day of school, she had to clean her bathroom, clean her bedroom, vacuum it. And I'll never forget,

I had to go upstairs and bring her the four sheets and put them down. Guys, it was the most painful thing I ever did in my life. I had to leave. She took a punishment. She sat down. She wrote, I think on page three, her mother said she had a little nervous breakdown. Because she thought that once she finished, she could go to the party.

The mother told her, no, you're grounded for the fucking day. Let me tell you something. That old cliche line, this is going to hurt you. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. It hurt me. I had to leave. I never thought I'd have to punish her for the day. You know, I had to leave.

Guess what? When I got home, I went in the room. I told that you're done. It's over. And the most important thing is we will never, ever bring this up again. And this is what life should be like. You know what? 30 years ago, I did time.

I didn't have to tell you, motherfuckers. I'd have to tell you. I told you for a reason, because I wanted you to know the animal you were dealing with. I didn't want to hide nothing from you. I don't want you to come back in 10 years and go. You never told me you went to prison for kidnapping. I don't really like you anymore.

I don't like doing business with criminals. No, my purpose wasn't that. My purpose was to let you know that, yes, I fucked up. But I paid my dues and I became a fucking functioning member of society. That's what this podcast is about. Not for me to grill steaks and fucking show you the steaks I'm grilling or who I'm hanging out with or who's ass I'm kissing that week if you notice I don't kiss nobody's fucking ass I don't even kiss my own fucking ass I don't give a fuck so all that lifestyle is

fucking behind me and that's what I was going through that's what all the anxiety was eating away at me was that fucking I'm back in the normal place A and B I don't have to ever deal with that shit anymore I'm not going to Austin I'll probably go down there in September to promote the Sopranos, if they let me, if not, that's fine too. Joe's still my brother. I don't care what, you know, I don't care about Spotify or anything. Listen, let me do ads for his show. They let our podcast go up on Spotify.

I guess I got music on there or whatever. I got no beefs or anybody. I don't want to create no problems for anybody. If Joe says, come on down in September with David Chase or whatever, I'm down now. Get to see Bert. You know, I don't know if I'll be performing yet. But for right now, man, I just, I'm going to enjoy the summer. I'm going to be a fucking father.

And it's rough. It really is rough. I had a war within myself. On this side, I had the Palestinians, and on this side I had the Jews. And they were just throwing rocks at each other in my fucking brain. I was confused all day, so I had to make a fucking statement. And I remember I was at the gym one morning lifting, and I finished. and Jimmy Florentine was in there and he was waiting for me.

And I looked them right in the eye and I came to a conclusion. I'm not doing fucking comedy right now. I'm going to do it when I'm fucking good and ready. I'm not letting anybody pressure me. I'm going to Guns and Rose on the 11th of September. Some people want me to do a show up north and North Bergen. You know what? I love them.

I respect Northburg and I love everything they stand for. It was my home. They tolerated me. But in my life, I got to keep them on his disson. right now. You know, a lot of things happening in my life that are fucking changing. You know, for example, let me tell you this. The people I thought were going to be my friends when I got here are not my friends.

I got a whole new batch of fucking friends. And the people that have reached out to me the most are my friends from grammar school. In fact, we're planning a little fucking very quiet reunion amongst us. I want to read you a text message that I got from one of them last week. And this is what really got me thinking about why these people are reaching out to me. And now, these are the people that knew me when I wasn't a thief, when I wasn't a piece of shit, and when I wasn't on drugs. I smoked pot with these guys on Fridays, and we giggle and we put Vizine in our eyes and put fucking, you know, Chateau number four. some shitty cologne or aqua velvet on so your mother wouldn't smell it.

But I want to read you this email that this kid sent me and it really made me think about life and what I did. Hey brother man, I'm on my way to the Valley Hospital. There's a mask in my chest just in case this is it. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I couldn't have asked for a better childhood friend. How lucky was I? that text meant more to me

than any TV show any movie any film any Netflix special you could rub your fucking ass with that shit that fucking text message changed me right there I immediately I don't know where Valley hospital I call my sister who's a nurse

practitioner and I asked her where it was she found out for me she told me they wouldn't give me information on the phone the reason why he's not answering the phone is because maybe he didn't have a charger in the hospital. I almost didn't sleep all night. I reached out to his sister on Facebook. His name is Dean.

Dean was with me in the sixth grade one day. And we were going to get a whiffleball bat. Our story to our parents were, we were getting wiffleball bats. We were cut off the bottom of the bat where you grip the bat and we were fill it up rocks. And then we were crazy glue the handle back on and tape it. and we would use it as a bat and whiffle ball

but also as weapons against the fucking kids so when people would hit us with those fucking duratest tubes we would whack them with a wiffel. You ever get hit with a wiffle ball back with rocks in it? It's not a pretty fucking day for you.

So me and Dean and my mother's bar you know this is how back I go with these guys so I'm with Dean and my mother's bar my mother's at a track and it's me and the fact that's, guy, Arnardo do Campo. Arnardo was the guy that would simulate masturbation in front of us.

He would fucking... He would go, look at you motherfucking faggots, playing fucking whiffleball. You should be at home getting your dick sucked. And we're like in the sixth grade, me and Dean. You know, in the 70s, it's not like now. Like, one night I took my daughter to dinner with my wife and we stopped at the comedy store

and they actually came over to me. They go, you know, after 8 o'clock, your daughter can't be here. I was like, that's fine. I wasn't mad or angry. I understood, you know, lick of law licenses and shit. But in the 70s,

a kid could sit at a fucking bar till 3 in the morning. They wouldn't say shit. And I'd invite all my friends. When your mother has a bar and you're a fucking kid and you invite all your friends to your mother's bar

to watch a TV show and they're all drinking coax with cherries on them, make them believe we're fucking, you know, burp back, back. We're all sitting there.

We didn't even smoke or nothing, but we were, Like, we were actually sitting there. Like, we thought we were in a rat pack with little fucking rock glasses with rocks in it and Coca-Cola and cherries. And, you know, we'd just sit there all of us and drink and shit. Like, it was great. To be at a bar when you're fucking in a sixth grade with like 10 sixth graders drinking Coke's and cherries and I'm playing an unlimited pool. It was fantastic.

My mother would cook Cuban food for us. But on this particular day, she wasn't there. We went to Hernandez. We got a Cuban sandwich. Dean is an Irish dude, LaPrie. And he loved all that Cuban shit. But he was, you know, in those days, it was the 70s. White kids were scared to go with the Spanish joints.

It wasn't like it is now that you go in there. Let me get, hi, I want two empanadas, you know. In the fucking 70s, you were white, you ate pizza and sandwiches. You didn't really fuck with the Cubans. And the Cubans didn't fuck with you, you know. But these kids would come up and, you know, Dean LaPrettee. Listen, we're going to have this reunion. It's me, Dean, David Ruiz, Chuckie McBreen from Ramapo College,

who I got the COVID shot for, the J&J COVID shot for. After 40 years of friendship, I called him up and I go, I know you. We were talking, and he goes, when he gets his, he wants a J&J shot. He doesn't know where to get it. Who hooked us up? Another childhood friend, Lucio Fernandez, who's a commissioner in Union City, told us, come up and get the fucking J&J shot. Not even North Bergen.

It was fucking Union City. So we got Lucille, we got Chuckie McBrane from Ramapo, we got Dean LaPriek coming, my sister Lisa, we got Louis Hernandez, who I used to call something else because he was, I didn't call him that, but he was Dominican and had an Afro. They called them Louis Black Lives Matter. So we can't say what they used to call him. He's a psychiatrist, he's showing up. And these are the people I have been talking to lately.

All the people from high school that I tell you. that I used to do drugs with and go crazy with, their persona non grata. They're still doing their own thing. There's six of them that stopped talking to me, and that's fine. I could give the Frenchman's fuck. It was time to move on anyway.

This is a whole new fucking life with a whole new fucking set of rules, you know. I don't know if I finished this TV show yet. They told me they'd see me again, maybe after this week. I mean, we're going into the 4th of July week. Don't expect Dick to happen after Wednesday we're putting up a podcast Wednesday but after Wednesday everybody's going to be thinking about potato salad and you know what color the picnic tables are and do we have enough fireworks so ain't much going to happen I'll still be on Patreon dropping fucking knowledge for you guys so you're not bored to fucking pieces but what I wanted you to take out of this podcast the most important thing was what my wife told me you know there's a little boy that comes

to the softball games. Great kid. I love him to death. There's a little couple kids that, you know, the girls have little brothers and stuff. But there's one boy, his father's fucking great, his mother's great, the little girl is great, her and Mercy went to the movies.

Mercy really loves her to death, but the little brother is on the spectrum, you know, and that's not his fault. He's still a great kid at the games. He sits on my lap, and he fucking pulls my ear. him and another kid named Joey. They love tormenting me and shit. And I love them both.

But my wife said that he usually ask his mom, like, mom, what's going on with me? Mommy, can you fix me? You know, it's, it's, and he's a good kid, you know, and I play with him and I throw the ball for him. And I do magician trips, you know, I take my finger off and all that shit.

You know what I'm saying? Like I do all that. shit with him and and I'll put a picture up for you guys and me and Joey. Joey's another one that always torches me, punches me fucking, I always tell him, because he's Italian,

but I always go, look el paharito, and then I tickle him and he's like ah, so he tries to tickle me at the restaurant and shit, it's great. But, you know, he always tells his mom, mommy, what's

going on with me? Can you fix me? You know? And a couple nights ago I looked at my wife and I go you know I feel like that little boy maybe last Thursday I told my wife you know I feel like that little boy at times I go you know I told my wife I go mommy can you fucking fix my head I don't know what's going on with me anymore and she goes what's happening thank God I got tired with my wife during this pandemic thank God I had the power to be free with a one of the biggest things yeah I had the movie this week and Mercy was graduating, and Mike had Father's Day,

and Mike's son had ear surgery, and we had a lot of things going on. But I can't lie to you guys. Sunday night was the worst panic attack I've ever gotten in my life since August 21st. I mean, I basically had to get out of the car. Thank God my brother George was here. I love him with all my heart. Fifty years, he's been there for me. He was waiting for me with Kara on the balcony.

and I walked up the balcony and I basically took my shirt off in public, which I never do. You know, I haven't pulled the Burke Kreischer in the years and I got the knee, the bag of ice that Fannie sent me from my knee surgery and I just had to put it on my neck. That's how bad the panic was. And I'd take my shoes off. I was sweating profusiously, my palms. And, you know, I took my medication. I popped a little fucking football, and I just sat downstairs with my brother and talked.

And at the end of the night, you know, my wife came down. We put mercy to sleep, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I asked my wife, you know, I told my wife what was going on from A to Z, from, you know, she's noticed that there's no reef of smoke downstairs or outside. You know, there was a little box. I used to put my roaches in. The box disappeared. And I told my wife, you know, I don't know what's going on.

I've spoken to the therapist. I've spoken to Jerry Rocha. Jerry Rocha really helped me. I've spoken to Mike. I've spoken to Lee. I've come to terms with all this shit. But there's still a piece missing. And my wife looked me in the eye and she goes, Joey.

You're not the same person you wore in L.A. Number one. And number two, the suit just doesn't fit anymore. The suit outgrown you. You're not that person. You moved on. and there's nothing wrong with that. It's something that I had to accept, you know.

I was walking around here, having a, you know, I was having a hard time, I was, there's an expression people use that they're creeping in their skin. They don't feel comfortable in their skin. For the last two months, I haven't felt comfortable in my fucking skin, you know, and I do now because now I understand it. I'm not that person.

That's not who I wanted to be. And that's who I ended up being. Half those people, I was hanging out with them in LA. I don't even think I could talk to them no more. With different people. With different people, this pandemic changes. You know, we all change every seven years in 2007. I stopped doing cocaine in 2014.

I became a fucking father, and I didn't know what I was walking into. You know, all I knew in my heart was that I wanted it to work. and in 2021, I realized, you know, four months before my 30th anniversary of comedy that I didn't want to do comedy anymore. I didn't want to be involved with those fucking grandma killers, those people who kept their clubs open and put them in full fucking capacity and still thought that people needed to do fucking comedy. And, you know, they covered up COVID things. They did a lot of bad things, a lot of people. I can't see myself doing business with them. I don't want to do business with them ever again.

You know, how can you do that to people? People were fucking getting sick even though you got a PPL loan and you're fucking still keeping the club open. Listen, I respect the clubs that opened up and spaced people and wore gloves and, you know, told people they couldn't come in and, you know, they tried. They tried. I don't expect you, but I never expected you to be a fucking. pig as a club owner or a pig as a fucking agent or a pig as a human being and that's what i was

surrounded with for you people just to clarify it i'm not a pig and i'm not a sheep i'm a fucking dog okay i call my own shots i follow my own lead i don't give a fuck what you want to do with your life i know what i'm doing my life i'm not going anywhere to prove to i'm not in anybody's ass. I don't have to go on tour and anybody to proof to anybody how cool I am. That shit's done with. I'm a bad motherfucker. I took myself out of a fucking rocket ship and I made it all the way to a fucking house and I did it with Ball's Heart and the love of a fucking woman. You know, I couldn't have done it by myself. You want me to tell you I did it by myself? And I did it with the love that was surrounding from my friends. Some of the friends that are still my friends and

some of them that have moved on, you know, that fucking softball field last weekend, 8.30 in the morning, Mercy's Godfather showed up with his daughter, you know, the 11 o'clock came on Saturday. Fucking, my brother Bobby showed up with my cousin Dennis D. Lorenza, fucking tremendous, the size of a fucking wall. And we were cursing at the hump and shit, you know, just, we weren't saying bad things to him. We were just saying, oh, good job. We're watching you, Cocksucker, you know, just to let them know. You know, I had a great time. I was just like, living a normal life usually i'd be in a hotel fucking kitchen eating at 11 o'clock in the fucking morning you know waiting there all day to go on stage late o'clock at night like i said i'm

not saying never again i'm never saying that what i'm trying to tell you is for right now i'm a happier person i'm enthusiastic i have different things going on and i hope you expect me for what the fuck i am when it comes to do comedy you'll find me a fucking uh uncleaner Vinnie's. I'll be ready to go. Tip-top, Magoo. From time to time, I read a joke and a notebook now, but nothing serious. I'm just trying to work on the book, and I'm just trying to get my life together. Then again, I want to apologize to Lee for enabling him.

And like I said, we enabled each other. But at the end of the day, we really, really loved each other. And we love each other even more now because we had this talk. it out in the open of what was really, really eating him and what was eating me. For the whole two weeks, I kept asking my wife, I wonder what's eating Gilbert Grape. It was all that shit. It's that I'm not a fucking pig. I'm not.

I did my time. It's over. I don't give a fuck about what publisher signed us, what they think about a video. All that shit's over with. I don't give a fuck. You know, they're gunning for Rogan now. The Times is doing calling a bunch of people. business reporter is calling a bunch of people who gives a fuck you can't cancel what you can't

fucking cancel you can't cancel me i don't give a fuck about none of that shit i got a couple fucking years left of doing this and i'm going to do it to the best potential if you get insulted go fuck yourself if you want to write up about it go fuck yourself it don't matter this train ain't fucking stopping so if your feelings get hurt or you don't like what you're hearing here I don't know what to tell you, but I have to be myself. I have to be who the fuck I am. I know my past,

and I know my motherfucking future, and I suggest you do the same. Now, I look at prison, and I look at the COVID pandemic. I'm very sorry to a lot of people who lost friends and family. I lost a couple myself. But I think for 60% of the people,

this COVID was a silver lining. because they got to see what they really wanted to do and what they didn't want to do anymore. You know, people are changing jobs by the fucking day. People got a chance to think and people got to appreciate what they had. And I hope you were one of those people by listening to the podcast

and see what we're doing here. Everybody's changing. And we're changing for the better. Somebody said it on Patreon to me the other day. We're changing for the better. And that's the Monday morning podcast with Uncle Joe. better known as the motherfucking joint.

NFTs should be out this week on Patreon. If you notice, we change the tiers to 5, 10, and 15, September 25th. I'm thinking and renting a movie theater out in New Jersey, very low area, very quiet area. Michael be there. I'm going to invite Lee, and we're all going to fucking go to a movie together. I'm going to try to rent a movie theater out. a matinee and all the

$15 tier you know if you live close if you can make it I'll put your names on the list there'll be no guests because we just got enough for us so it's just us so don't bring a guest and we'll put your name on a list I'm gonna do this right get security and we'll go see a movie together

what's better than that all of us together to see the many saints and then afterward we'll take a fucking one big group Patreon picture and we'll go our own ways what do you think about that and i'm thinking of doing it all the time with different fucking movies i'm in the mood to start going to see movies again so mike what do you think i'm down you know whether we smoke reef front if we smoke a lot of reef and then we're going to get thrown out then they're not going to have us back so i suggest you get high in your car

drop your edibles in the car we never know we might have an edible person there i'm not i'm not nothing. But every once in a while, there might be one on your seat. When you sit down at the movie theater, we might pull an Ari and play fucking, I'll have you there an hour earlier. Looking for edibles in the mall. You know what I'm saying?

Because the movie theater I have in mind is in a mall. So I really want to do this for you guys. As I was shooting the many saints in Newark, I was thinking about one thing. Once I do this, I'm done. Once I do this, this is why I got into comedy. You know, I left here a fucking bum. I'm still a half a bum, but I'm doing this movie for New Jersey.

I hope that by me being in this movie, it makes you forget the bad things I did. It proves to you that I came a long way. I left here in 85, a piece of shit miserable, lost kid who had done some really, fucking bad things. I robbed a lot of people. I did drugs. I was careless. And I came back a responsible man with a family.

What could be better than that? I think some of that was giving me anxiety also. You know, so thank you. Thank you for having my back. The NFT should be out this week. Hopefully, you know, I talked to the guy the other day. They're excited. It's the picture of me when I'm a kid.

I'm like nine. Whatever the fuck it is. you know, cryptos down. Hey, what are you going to do? Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself. But for you people with just regular people, I love you guys. And thank you.

I'm very sorry about the inconvenience last week. I know you guys got us on speed dial every Monday at 7 a.m. And it'll continue from now on. But in a couple weeks, we'll take another week off. Because you know what? Sometimes going away makes you fucking strong on the way back. So I felt great today. I feel good about the future.

I feel good about everything, and I'm happy that you guys stuck it out with me through my fucking anxiety and my bullshit and what was going on. But guess what, motherfuckers, I'm back. So get ready to rock. We're going to start having a good time on all levels. Thank you very much for watching the joint.

And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors. All right, I want to thank you guys for taking a ferocious ear beat and listen, the suit don't fit, so don't expect much anymore. It's just, I just want to be a fucking dad, and I'm happy you guys understand that. But before we leave, I got to talk to you about a few people. The joint is brought to you by Blue Chew.

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How do you think I'm going to get them out of the magic carpet? Fuck no! Stamps.com They're tremendous. My wife has been working with Stamps.com since fucking the Sopranos got off the air in 2007. Are you still going to the post office? Why?

I'll bet you're paying full price on posters too. That ends today. That's why I use stamps.com. My wife sends letters ship packages, t-shirts, mugs, hats, patches, anytime, anywhere, right from your motherfucking computer.

Buy, print, and ship. It's that simple. With Stamps.com, you pay a whole lot less and you get discounts up to 40% off from the post office rates and up to 62% from UPS rates. Stance.com saves businesses thousands of dollars and hours.

That's the most important in your time. Listen, we all got one foot in the grave When a banana peel You want to be fucking around With boxes all day And sending letters to the post office You gotta wait on fucking line Some guys breathing on you

Those days are done Stamps.com saves businesses And time Which is fucking what I love Like I said to you My wife's been with them for years They're phenomenal You weigh, you print up the fucking stickers

And the next thing you know They got the fucking package If that's not easy I don't know what to tell you. This works for big businesses, small businesses. Stamps.com is a must-have. Print U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail. It's no wonder.

Over a million small businesses have already used Stamps.com. You could ship anywhere in the world straight from your laptop, schedule a pickup, and the mailman comes to you, cuck, sucker. You can also take a walk and drop it off yourself if you like. But if not, stamps.com, if you're not with stamps.com, you're just fucking slipping if you have a small business or a big business. So stop wasting time right now by going to the post office. Go to stamps.com instead. And what I'm going to do for you on a beautiful Monday morning, use promo code Joey.

You get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and the digital scale. With stamps.com, there's no long-term commitment to contracts. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone on the top of the home page, and type in Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's Stamps.com promo code Joey. You'll be fucking tweeting me and thanking me later with your small business or your large business. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. I want to thank Blu-chute.

I want to thank Stamps.com, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for having our back and supporting us on every fucking possible way. you can. Again, I'm sorry about last week, but everybody needs to take a break from time to time. Stay black. Have a good day and enjoy your Monday, cock suckers. We'll be back Thursday talking about fucking gambling with one of the best in the business. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. If we don't see each other, have a happy fourth.