The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #079 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, July 12th..... This Episode is called "Just What I Needed"…. This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com & CBD Lion..... Go to https://www.Stamps.com Enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter PROMO Code: JOEY or CHURCH Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world https://www.Instagram.com/laughinggas And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 12th of fucking July. It was a beautiful fucking weekend. And guess what? It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I got bad news for you. My fucking devil pipe broke. Listen, man, let me tell you something.

Fucking, last night I was getting high after my, I have a little process. I do my little fucking cup of tea, regular at the reach. 25 ABX sleepy times. You know Uncle Joey, keeping the numbers low, getting high on it. And then when I finish my little cup of tea, before I practice my guitar, I go out in the yard, and I get my little fucking devil. And last night I was smoking my little fucking devil.

This is a great pipe, by the way. It hits tremendously. It's perfect, no carburetor. Look at this motherfucker. He means business. He's angry. He's smiling. He knows what's on his mind.

Look familiar? So I don't know what the fuck to do. I went to clean the pipe out last night and the thing just fucking fell the fuck off. I'm going to blow it. That's the problem. I don't want to glue it and then smoke fucking glue

and then I'm cousins with Sticky Charlie. I go for a blood test and I'm like, you got glue in your fucking system and then now it's another fucking problem and then next thing you know, they're talking on me on my line. Joey's smoking glue. I don't need this shit.

So I got to figure the fuck out how to how to fuck it. how to fucking put this in there. I don't know. I have no fucking idea. But I was just starting to have a great fucking time with this refa. You know, it's been great. I took this break.

I didn't know where I was going. And I'll tell you what, I thought about when I went to prison, I was telling Mike, when I got locked up in 88, I thought it was going to be a lot worse. Like, that was what I was dreading. I wasn't dreading getting raped. I wasn't dreading getting beat up. I wasn't worried about the fucking food.

I was worried about what the fuck am I going to do in prison when it comes time to go to sleep at night and get high. And how bored am I going to be without the reefer? But I'll tell you what, after a couple fucking days, you got to pay attention in jail. So I just forgot about fucking what I was worried about and I moved right fucking through it. And I never really thought about it.

As soon as I got out of fucking prison, I mean, that afternoon I got high. And, you know, I tried to be cute and fucking, you try to drink water and drink the sirto and the vinegar and nothing fucking pans out. But for some reason, you know, I was keeping my, I had to decide. Like, what the fuck do I want to do? Do I want to snort Coke or do I want to smoke Rifa? Which one? You got to pick one. You know, you can't, you know, you can't, you got to pick a fucking flag.

I mean, that's how crazy I was. You got to pick a flag in between Rifa and fucking Coke. I picked the fucking Coke because it's only in your system for 72 fucking hours If you get high on a fucking Friday night You're cutting it close on Monday You're cutting it close

But you just got to pray That your color don't come up If you call and it would be like color purple And I was purple Oh fuck You got to start drinking the water And all this shit So I just went with the Coke

And I was like I had already done without the Riefer For all this time I don't really need it I need the Coke a little more. That's a fucked up concept to think about, but it's true. So I'm sitting there

and I'm like, what the fuck? How am I going to get my? Because when I got here, I found myself smoking these fucking poles of this weed and I'm like, I'm going through weed like it's it's candy. You know, I'm just going through it. Like I showed up with eight ounces

and I went through them in like fucking two months. It was like crazy. I'm like, what, how am I going to slow? And this shit is like fucking 35% 34% how am I gonna slow these fucking rails down?

And I'll tell you what, I thought about when I was in the halfway house, I was a real fucking painy ass. I really was. I kept giving them hot you ways and you do, the first hot they'll forgive.

The second hot, they have a court hearing. The third hot, they have another court hearing and they'll probably end up sending you the fuck back. I got my first hot for cocaine, they took some benefit, they take away your fucking like the weekend

furloughs, whatever the fuck I had, they'd take them away. I'd have to I couldn't drive. You lose your privileges. That's what you lost, your privileges. So I kept getting into trouble. Not in trouble like for being a bad guy, but I kept testing positive for drugs.

I couldn't stop fucking doing drugs. I loved them. So I love, I'm not going to lie to you, I fucking love that cocaine. So I had to figure out of fucking, you know, I was in there. I gave them two fucking huts. And then I did some, you know, I did some time. And they let me go out for fucking like three months.

And I gave them another fucking hot UA. And they put me back into the halfway house. And they said it's for a minimum of six months. And I thought about it. My wife at the time was fucking pregnant. I'm like, you know, it's September. I'm back in this fucking halfway house. They're going to hold me here until February.

What the fuck? Then I'm going to do. So I had two options. I could either sink or fucking swim. I said, you know what? If I do this, I'm going to do it right. I'm going to make them proud. I'm going to be proud.

I'm going to get this out of my fucking system once and for all. So believe it or not, believe it or not, I stop snorting Coke. I stopped selling Coke. I said, I'm going to do these last six months fucking by the book. Like the same way I did the soprano film that was by the book. I looked at this last run at the halfway house. And I go, if I go back in there and I give them another hot or another two harts or whatever the fuck I give them, this ain't going to end. Once you get in that fucking system for people who've been in the system, you know it doesn't end.

And if you keep fucking with them, they're going to keep fucking with you. So I was already driving them fucking nuts. When I was out, they would come to my house and knock on the door And you're supposed to let them in I'd never let him the fuck in That guy came to my house ten times Not one time that I opened up the door They were pissed about that They were pissed about the foaming UA's

That I was putting shit in my dick like powder and pipe cleaner And toilet cleaner and pool cleaner And I kept zapping the test Like they knew They're like this motherfucker keep zapping the test So now like they had a fucking chick watching me fucking pee They had another guy watching me pee They were looking at the camera

They were looking at my dick I'm like you know what man I'm too old for this shit I'm really too fucking old to be fucking around with this shit Let me do this the right way So I went into that halfway house And I became the model fucking prisoner I swear to God

You guys are sitting there going No you didn't joy I swear to God I was the pro I was the perfect fucking invict I did what I had to do I fucking did not get high But I did get high And let me tell you how I did it

Okay I didn't get high But I did get high And let me tell you how I did it I cleaned up the coke I said no more fucking coke I gotta do this for my wife You know she's having a baby

I can't be fucking around You know you always think that kid is gonna save your life A kid ain't gonna fucking save your life You always think the kid's gonna save your life I'll do it for my kid No you won't You can't do it If you're not gonna do it for yourself

you're not going to do it for your fucking kid. So I was like, you know what? I got a kid coming. You know, I really got to change my life. So I just made a deal with myself. I said, listen, six months. No Coke. And what you're going to do is you're going to roll the tiniest fucking joint.

So I took, you know, instead of rolling my fucking usual gorilla finger joints, I took a third of that. I rolled what you guys at home call a pinner. I rolled a fucking pinner. and I had a garage and I paid 35 bucks a month for. I loved that fucking garage. It had a punching bag, an ever last punching bag,

a wait, weights, and I had a fucking ghetto blaster in there and tons of cassettes and tons of fucking shit in there. And I had my weed in there. Nobody knew about this garage. Nobody.

It was a hidden fucking gem. I had rented it. I got it off a newspaper. And the girl was like, I don't even live there. just send me like a money order once a year. It was $35 a month. It was fucking like stealing.

I had dumbbells in there. I would just go in there, park. Some nights I would park down the block. I would, nobody. It was like my own personal little back cave. It was like having that fucking office I had in L.A. It was behind a fence. I would have to go behind the side street.

Nobody would see me walk in. I felt like fucking, what's his name with the wig? Ben Affleck and the accountant. Remember he had the fucking little trunk in there? with all the cougarans and shit that's what i had everything hidden in there had my scale i had a fucking scale i had cutting there for coke i had everything and nobody knew about my little fucking nobody knew about my little fucking hut so this is how i got away with those last six months of getting high are you ready and i swear to god i would basically go to the garage

i would bring in those days there wasn't no fucking bottled water i would bring like a fucking thermos of fucking water. And I would take the joint. I swear to God, and I would go like this with it. And I would put it out. And that was it. I would lift weights. And you know what? For like the first week,

10 days, I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't get fucking high. And I was pissed off. I'm like, fuck. This ain't working. I was tempted to take the second hit. But when you first go in there, they piss and they get your levels. And if you go above that level, then you test positive.

With THC, it would go up a little bit if you ate like those fucking poppy seed bagels or there's different things that will give you a higher reading on THC. So I was careful as fuck. But even though that for those 10 days, I didn't get high. Like on the 11th day, I would just go. And I was getting fucking blasted off that one hit. I was getting your body just adjust to it. If you don't have a whole joint and you just have one hit, if you just have one little roach and you hit it, eventually your body will fucking absorb that and do whatever it needs to do with it. I swear to God, I lived off that system for six months and never gave them a hot UA.

But I had to work out four or five times a week and sweat a lot and I had to drink a ton of fucking water. But for six months, I kept that system and I fucking. got drilled. I still remember going to see Goodfellas. And I would do the same exact system. I would go. I have a process for movies. I would go get little Chinese food first.

And I always go to the 11 o'clock movie nice and easy. Nobody's there. I would go by myself. When Goodfellas came out, I didn't give two fucks. I was going to see that. I read that book when I was in prison. I said, fuck it. I'm going to go and I'm going to watch that fucking movie.

I don't give a fuck if they know, they don't know. because you're not really allowed to go to the movies when you're in a halfway house. You have to tell them where you're going and what time you're going to be there and they can't call the movie theater because they would usually call you and say, hey, is Joe Diaz there?

And then what are they going to come into the movie theater? Hello, there's Joey Diaz in here? So you can't really go to the fucking movies. So I would hit it off in the... I would catch them in the morning. They thought I was at work. But I gave them a page of number. I didn't give them like a work.

I said, listen, man, I work at a fucking car dealer. ship and I'm in and out of there. If you call there, five out of ten, they're going to get me. If not, I'm on the fucking road. So I had to go to court and get permission to drive in the halfway house to get that fucking job. It was a nightmare. But it was well worth it because that driving privilege got me around the daytime.

Plus, and then I told, I said, listen, instead of me having a fucking job, whatever, just hit me on the pager. Just call me on the fucking page. And they were like, a pager, we don't know about that. I go, yeah, it's a lot easier for everybody. I can call you right back. I just got to pull over to a pay phone and call you. Tell you where I am.

And if you want to bring some, if you want to, because they would send people. They would send counselors out. Like if you're at a job, they would send the counselor out. Your counselor would probably come to your job twice a month, unannounced. So fuck you. I didn't want my counselor to come. I told them if you come, I won't be there. So what I would do is I had a friend, you know, Uncle Mike, Mike Kessler, the crazy dude,

I put on the fucking podcast about eight years ago, I told them that I worked at the Accura store. And if fucking Mike saw one of my counselors come in, he would call me on the page and say, where are you, stop what you're doing. Come on back, the lady is here. At the time, I had two counselors. I had a black counselor named Judy,

who I fucking loved the debt. I'll never forget one day I was driving illegally. Like I wasn't supposed to be driving. I'm driving a car. I'm blasting like Def Leopard fucking pour some sugar on me. I never forget that. That was my jam then. And I look, I'm at the light.

And I look to the side and there's Judy, the black chick. And I'm like, oh shit. If she sees me driving, I'm fucking dead. I just sat there at the light and I looked the other fucking way. And the light switched and she took off and I fucking got behind it. And I made a fucking right in the next corner. And that was the end of that. My other counselor, Adam, I had him by the short and fucking Harry's, this cock sucker.

You ready for this? He used to live. He didn't know that I knew, but I knew that he lived down the block from me. I was looking at his folder one day. I was in his office, and he was on the phone with somebody when I came in. And he was telling him, meet me at this place, and I live right down the block. And I was about to tell him, hey, I live around the block from that place, too. but when he got off the phone I didn't say shit

I was just like oh you know I just came to see you and he you know when you're in the halfway house you have a weekly review and I would have to go see him like I had Judy in the beginning but I had Adam when I made a comeback to the second time the halfway house they they gave me Adam because he was a little tougher

he was a Jewish guy he was a little tougher he was a New York City dude and he knew what he was doing so Adam took me over and he's like you ain't gonna pull what you were doing with Judy and all those people before I'm going to be on top of you I got the notes from community corrections you wouldn't open the door

that shit's going to change I'm going to come to your house personally whatever are you ready for this one this motherfucker was fucking the administrator from the halfway house some hot chick

that came in my room when I was weighing coke in the fucking room right I got like an ounce of coke I'm weighing on the scale and she comes in so I you don't you guys know

what a bindle is a bendal is a little fucking thing where you put coke in but I used to make big bindles like so you make a big bendal like this this is considered a big bindle right and you fucking take this

and go like this and then fold this and there's a big bendal right so I had the coke and a bendal and I took the fucking she came in but she came into the

fucking condo we were at I was in the bedroom weighing the coke There was two bunk beds. It was a seven-man room, so it was four fucking beds in one room, and then three beds in the other. You started in the bunk beds, then you graduated to the small rooms, then they put you in a three-man room.

So I'm scooping the coke. She comes in, and she's like, where is everybody? I'm scooping the Coke onto the bindle, and all of a sudden goes like this, and it just bounces up into the fucking air. There's coke all over the fucking carpet. I'm fucking scrambling. She comes into the room.

I finally put the scale away. I'm sitting there. She comes into the room, and she's like, what's all this white powder on the floor? I go, I don't know. It's fucking the ceiling. Something's like, thank God. The ceiling had those white little bubblies.

It was like sprayed up there, like the popcorn ceiling. That's how I got away with it. She came in. She's like, what is? I go, I don't know. And I'm like, please don't bend over and taste that shit, please. She walked out and I got on my hands and knees. I picked up every fucking rock in that fucking room.

I was scared shitless. So she always, she always had like, she didn't really like me. wasn't a nice lady i forget what the fuck her name was but he was banging this chick you know you could see like how they would talk at work and stuff but it gets better one morning i wake up because i used to have to have to come to my house and walk my dog even though i was in the halfway house i still had to come home and walk the dog in the mornings and one more before work one morning i go over there and i get the dog and i'm not thinking about nothing i'm not thinking about seeing nobody i'm just thinking about my day and then on the fucking block

and who do I see? Adam and the chick walking out of Adam's apartment at 8 in the morning. I mean, you know, four in the afternoon, you could tell me you're working. Eight in the morning,

you're doing one thing. You're either fucking or snorting coke or you're doing both, or you just get, you know, you just don't go to somebody's house at 8 in the morning. When they both saw me, they shit their fucking pants.

They just froze. They were like, I had my, my dog and I'm like, how you doing? Good to see you. Yeah. And then I didn't say nothing. I just walked away.

They went into their car. And that afternoon when I got to the halfway house, there was a note in my fellow to come see Adam, Aesap. I knew what that was about. I walked in there like, how you doing, cock sucker? What's going on? You know, what do you want to see me about? And he's like, sit down.

He's like, listen, what you saw this morning can't fucking leave. You know, this place will get in trouble. her and I, so I'd appreciate it if you fucking, you know, wouldn't say nothing. I'm like, what does this job mean to you? You know, I mean, I don't know. We got to scratch each other's back here, you know what I'm saying? And he goes, what can I do for you? I don't know, make my fucking life easier here, maybe give me some furloughs.

I mean, I've been here for a couple months. I haven't given you any fucking hot U-A's. I've been a model fucking citizen, you know what I'm saying? I mean, throw me a little love here. Give me a little break. Put me in a three-man room. So we did that. He goes, if you don't say nothing about me and the broad,

I'll put you in a three-man room, I'll give you some furloughs, and I'll let, you know, keep doing what you're doing, though, on your end, and I'll let the fucking last three months of this be a paradise for you. And listen to this. You're supposed to, it's like level one, level two, level three. I always made it to level three,

and then I got a fucking, Hot UA. Always met it to level three and always fucked up. Bitches, I made it to level four, which is like you're allowed to drive, you come in at midnight, you could leave at six in the morning. I mean, the fucking rules on level four. I mean, if there was 90 people in that fucking place, there was maybe nine people, 10% made it to level four and stayed there. If you were on level four for three months, they'd automatically like discharge you. Like if you gave them level four for three months, they'd automatically discharge you. It was so good for me that I was supposed to stay in there for six months.

And it put me like at mid-February. And one day they came to me and they said, you're done Friday. I was like, you ain't fucking serious. I'm like, but no. I started fucking with them. I want to stay. I want to do my time. And they're like, nah, you got to go.

And if you're level four, when you get out, they automatically cut your UA's and a half. So you don't take four UA's. You take two UA's a month. It was like, guys, it was like fucking stealing. It was perfect. But I did those six months by the book. Yeah, I smoked under the fucking limit, you know.

But it kept me together and it got me to fuck out of there. So it's funny that I used that when I was thinking about what to do a couple months ago, I'm like, wow, you know, my body just, you know, the COVID, all this shit. Every time I was getting high, I would get like a fucking sore throat. And I'm like, I got COVID. So between that, the fucking emails and all that shit, that's what made me fucking give it a breather. But I tell you what, man, this breather has been the best thing I've done. It really has. I brought everything back to my world

With the edibles now I'm using them to sleep I couldn't even like Like the way I can't imagine Doing a line of Coke now But I can't even imagine What it would feel like To do a line of Coke

I think my blood pressure would drop And I'd just die of a fucking heart attack That's the same way I feel About doing an edible in the daytime I couldn't even imagine Feeling that fucking way again And I listen I got nothing You know me dog

I'm heavy fucking duty. I fucking did everything. You guys saw it. You guys witnessed it. I had a good time. I enjoyed myself. I was the king. I mean, there was a podcast I watched that was disturbing because they weren't lying. It was Rogan and Tom Segura. It was a weekend that I went away with Tom Segura. We went up to a casino and we went to Eugene, Oregon. It had to be 10 years ago. And he went on Rogan that following Monday and told him I went on a plane with Diaz. and he was eating edibles. And in that episode, if you watch it, Joe Rogan says,

you know, most people would say that Joey Dears has a fucking problem with that THC. Like most people would say, that boy's got a fucking problem. If you watch the fucking podcast, I laughed because I knew it wasn't a problem. I had been doing it all my fucking life. That's why my tolerance is so high. I was smoking all my fucking life when all those people, because all of a sudden in California, when I got legal, everybody became fucking Tommy Chung

and I couldn't have it I couldn't fucking have it you know me so I even I even pushed it up a little bit like I pushed it up a little bit and now I think about those times and I'm like wow

I wasted a lot of fucking wheat because I didn't need all that fucking wheat this is why I look a lot better you know there's not that many chemicals in my body I don't have fucking a thousand things going through my body I mean yeah I'm taking 75 milligrams a night and I'm sleeping

on like a fucking baby. I wake up with cotton mouth like a motherfucker. Some mornings, like if I wake up at five in the morning, I am high as fuck, guys. When I go to pee, I am high as fuck. I'm like,

I can't wait to get back to that bed. And thank God I'm not walking around the fucking streets like this. That's like I can't think of fucking doing an edible in the daytime normal. I'm sorry. Even the weed, like I missed the weed in the morning.

I'm not going to lie to you. Friday, Friday, night my wife we had like a weird day Friday had a run around and shit so I had like a light lunch at 12 I mean like an ultra

light lunch like I had three cheese raviolis that were left over from one of the nights I go why would you save there were big fucking raviolis you know I go why would you save three varioles she goes I didn't even know to think about the offer them to

I don't know my wife is crazy sometimes so I ate the three raviolioles so it threw me the fuck off. So I was fucking starving at fucking 3 o'clock. And I'm like, what the fuck am I going to eat? My wife goes, well, I got some Chinese food if you wanted. I didn't know if you wanted it for lunch. I ate the Chinese food and I got to be honest with you.

I didn't lose this weight for a reason. I was fucking stuffed. Then my friend called and he's like, hey, we're going out to dinner with the kids. We're going to go get some cheese steaks if you want to come. I'm like, fuck, yeah, let's go with it. But all of some, I'm like, fuck, I'm still stuffed from 3.30. Like, I'm going to pinch here. shit I, you know, and he's a cop and other parents are going to be there.

I go, fuck it. I'll fucking smoke a little bit and I'll jump in the shower to get that smell off and see if it kicks up my appetite. God damn it. I didn't break the pipe then. I broke the pipe two nights later, but I smoked a little. I took one fucking hit. I went upstairs.

I took a shower. But the time I got in the car, my fucking stomach was growling. I was like, God damn, this fucking reefer worked. I went. I met them. I ate. Nobody knew I was high. I put Vizine in my eyes.

Then I came home that night and I smoked. And I think two nights later, my fucking devil, fucking broke. Un-fucking believable. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to have to crazy glue them. But I have to crazy glue it

and make sure it doesn't hit the little fucking hole. Because I don't know what it's going to feel like to snort glue. But, you know, snort and glue is one thing. Smoking it must be a complete different fucking situation. I don't know. But anyway, I want to talk to you guys. about last week, I'm happy that you guys enjoyed the two podcasts with Lee last week. I'm happy that you guys got to see it. And I'm happy that you guys got to see us together and see the changes

we made. I don't know how those podcasts came across into your world or what you read into them, but I hope they clarified a lot of things for you. You know, it wasn't easy doing those podcasts. You know, this is why I'm really hesitant now on, on, searching for guest and starting all that shit again because I don't have it in me anymore. Like the patience that you have to have with people, it's like the patience you have to have with me right now. Like this last week, last week was the first time I did three fucking podcasts. You're going to see me on three podcasts on one week because I felt bad.

I was busy. I was behind the fucking eight ball all the time. You're going to see me on Domnick Lamondosie's podcast. That should be out in two weeks or maybe this week. I did Ashley Evans from the UFC, and I did Ryan Sickler's podcast. We continued the saga all the way up to, I think, February of 97 when I got to the comedy store,

I had, I'd been so behind the eight ball in this fucking house. I mean, Mike was asking me before, is there anything else that you want to do? What do you want to change? What do you want to do? And I go, I really haven't thought about it. We've been so fucking busy here. You know, softball's about to pick up again.

You know, we had a little breather from the softball. She's at a softball party. She went to a softball party on fucking Saturday. Sunday, we met one of the girls and threw the ball a little bit and hit the fucking went up to the softball field. There was nobody up there playing. We just fucked around a little bit, played out in the sun, you know. But it's fucking busy around here.

I'm busy with it. Two weeks ago, I had her for CCD camp. so she would come home at fucking 12 and there was no other kids around because they were already in camp so it was on me and my wife for fucking five days to you know do something with her till seven fucking o'clock so it's just been crazy around here and i haven't even thought you know between the fucking book and you know we did Ozzie's bone yard last week thank you if you listened on the 6th of july jimmy and i i appreciate all the support you know i just been busy with little things I got to fucking paint the porch.

I got to paint the garage. I got to, you know, there's so many little things I have to fucking do, you know. But I'm happy that I could still, that I had to, I don't know how to say this. I had to take a breather, you know, that a couple weeks ago when we took that week off because I had a shoot and I had a bunch of doctors and my fucking anxiety. We had to get all that shit fixed. I think it was one of the best things I did taking that week off.

Even though you guys know it's against what I believe. We work every fucking day here. It was good for me and it was good for you guys. It gave you a breather. It gave you a shot to look at what I was doing and putting Lee on the podcast. I mean, for me, it was a growth thing. I wasn't ready for it yet.

You know, me and Lee had done eight fucking years, nine years. I don't think a lot of you guys understood that that we were giving each other air. I think we were both lost without each other in September and October. Mike came in. We started a new, the joint, and I started gaining ground. But I really wasn't gaining ground. I was getting worse.

I was getting worse. I was getting worse. The fucking surgery helped me out a little bit. But then I regressed a little bit with my fucking anxiety. And, you know, I stopped doing stand up. I pulled the fucking muscle in my leg. The muscle still fucking hurts. The knee is tip-top fucking magoo.

I'm doing great there. But I think it was time for you guys to know what happened with us in L.A. It wasn't just a fucking podcast. It was a way of life, you know. I mean, Mike and I do this podcast and it's, you know, two, three hours a week. We shoot a couple of videos. You know, the church was fucking 10 hours a week. Every time I went to the, you know, the church would start at 8 o'clock at night,

but we would get that at 7.30 and we wouldn't leave to fucking midnight. one, two in the morning. Lee was there until six the morning after fucking time. Because he'd get so fucking high, he'd just fucking pass out there. I mean, I couldn't, you know, I couldn't get mad at the kid. We were eating fucking huge amounts of fucking THC. But it was good seeing him. It was good seeing what he became last week.

It was good to see that he shrunk. We both shrunk. It was good to know that we were both going through the same shit. And we really didn't fucking know it, man. And, you know, I've checked him with him every day since the podcast. We're better than ever. We're stronger than ever. I mean, he's going to come on a little bit more from now on,

like once every other month. I'm going to start doing his podcast, and we're going to keep this journey fucking going, man. So I'm happy that you guys had to fucking enjoy it. A lot of you guys were like, a lot of you guys reached out. And I'm happy that you got to know the truth, you know, what was going on, what wasn't going on. with dear friends we did a great job and sometimes it's just time listen i'm very happy now i am

it's been rough to get to this place but i finally did it you know when i when i got off the plane i didn't know what what my expectations were and i didn't know what people's expectations was of me and right off the bat i got thrown into the walls with my old friends and you know i got by one of them, a 40-year friend to fucking threaten me. I woke up one day, I came downstairs, and there was a fucking text. I called him back, and he threatened me. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

Then I had another friend of mine fucking go off the reservation. So it was kind of rough for me in the beginning. I was just trying to get myself through murky fucking waters. Thank God for the Florentines, you know. Thank God for the people across the street, the Pumas. Thank God for Christine and Steve. Thank God for all these people that came into our lives and took away a little bit of this fucking boredom.

We made a lot of friends since we've been here. When I got here, I had some friends that had expectations of me and I had to let them off the fucking hook and tell them that's not who I am anymore. You know, there was people that wanted to show up here without fucking calling. I have a daughter now. That's not who I am anymore.

So all that stuff cleared up. I got all that stuff adjusted. Some people's feelings got hurt. Some people's got butt hurt, but I can't help you. I have my own family and I have my own problems. I'm 58 fucking years old. We're not 20 years. You know, we're not 20 here.

Nobody's fucking going to 3054. I got responsibility. So I think a lot of people got upset with me or had different expectations. And you know what? They're gone now. The other night, Thursday night, I was, I had plans. I didn't have plans

Thursday night. I was busy Thursday. I went to the gym and me and my wife had to go look at something and Mercy and we were going to go to eat something.

We had, oh, she had kickbox on Thursday night and Thursday night to late night. It's like fucking Thursday night is like a 630 night quarter of seven

then we usually just get dinner out. We just meet at a chicken place or something or a burger place and we just get dinner out. But Thursday afternoon, I got a call from a friend of mine, the guy Dave B. T. B. T. P.T. Therapics. That's where I did my PT therapy. I've known David since we were 17. He was 17. I've known David, 16. He called out of the blue, and he goes, what are you doing tonight for dinner? Do you want to go to the Osteria? I'm like, the Osteria has a Bacci ball court in the back. my friends go there and they're like do you want to go there's supposed to be great italian food i'm like i'm not doing anything let me just check with my wife see what she's doing and i just wanted to get

clearance just to make sure she could you know it's my job to take mercy to kickboxing so i asked my wife i go listen one of my friends called and said if i wanted to go to dinner you know i don't know what he's going through whatever what do you think and she goes i think you need a night out with with your friend you know go ahead go jimmy he was working in the city. He was at Carolines. I go, you know what? There's nobody around.

I was going to call Jimmy, but he was at Caroline's. I go, let me just go to you with my friend Dave, you know. I'm getting, we ran some errands. I come back fucking home and my wife leaves to take mercy. And I put a pair of jeans on, a nice shirt on. And all of a sudden, one of my other buddies, the gear, text me and he goes, hey, are you showing up? And I'm like, are you going to?

And he goes, yeah, I'm down here right now. I'm about eight minutes away from the restaurant. I go, I'll see you there. And fucking on the way to the restaurant, it was like 15 minute, 20 minute drive. I fucking pulled in. When I'm in there, I got another call. And it's a different, it's Mercy's Godfather. And he goes, are you here yet?

And I go, what the fuck is this? You're coming to eat too? You're coming all the way down here? Because he lives all the way fucking up by Alpine up there in New Jersey. Like, you're coming down here too? Yeah, he goes, I got the day off. I wanted to go for a ride, you know, stretch out and see some friends. So I'll meet you at the restaurant.

I was like a fucking shock. It was fucking tremendous. I walked in. Three of them were there. I didn't drink, of course. I had a fucking boring water. You know what? Even the bartender looked at me like, what?

Water. I go, I can't fucking drink. I died last time I drank alcohol. I got a fucking reaction. I just drink water. I go put a lime in there so these people don't know I'm a fucking loom. They think it's a vodka with some ice in it. We sat down, guys.

We had a fucking great dinner. It was something that I really fucking needed. These three guys, we have a 40-year history. I mean, these four guys I went to dinner with were at a dinner. I was at, in 1993, when I came back here to do stand-up for nine months, my friends said, you want to go out to dinner,

and these guys met up with us. It was about eight of us. We went to a restaurant in Munaki called Segovia. Fucking tremendous. It's Portuguese food with the lobster tails and the fucking big steak. We went up there, and it was about eight of us, we caused the fucking havoc.

But I remember these three guys being at the table and they were grilling me about stand-up comedy. Like, you're really going to be a fucking comic? You've been doing it for two years. Get the fuck out of it. Like, you know, these are your friends. These, like, they weren't negative. They were like, come on, you're really going to do this shit?

And I'm like, yeah. So it was really funny to go to dinner with them the other night. And they were asking me about stand-up. And I'm like, you know what? I'm just taking a breather, you know, and they're like, we don't, how do you fucking take a breather from stand-up? And I go, of course. I go, remember, you guys were with me in 1993.

That's 28 fucking years ago. January of 1993, we all went out to dinner. Two of the guys died from that night, rest in peace. It was them for my brother that his wife died was at that dinner up there. Another brother of our stinky was at that fucking dinner. He's, you know, he's married now. He's got his kids and shit. There was like eight of us.

But those three guys were there. And it was really, you know, they started asking me about my career and stand up. And like, they don't know anything. I mean, honestly, they're so fucking busy in their lives. They don't know much about. I mean, they've heard of the Sopranos, but they knew, like, one of the guys that I saw the trailer. And it looks great. You know, we're really fucking proud of you.

And I'll tell you what, man, between Lee's podcast and that dinner, it's the name of this podcast today. You know what the name of this podcast is today? Just What I Needed. Remember a couple weeks ago we did The Cars Candyo, but about six months ago I did the car's first album on the week on Patreon, Just What I Needed. Isn't that the song by the Cause? He's just what I needed.

Listen, having Lee on the podcast and doing that dinner with those three guys. And we were home by 9 o'clock. I mean, we met at 6. We fucking ate. We had salads. four entrees, which we all split with each other. And then to close out the night, we had a fucking tomahawk steak with steak fries.

Oh my God. Italian spinach with garlic in it. Un-fucking believable. You know, I don't eat that much spinach. I don't eat that much shit. But I ate every fucking piece that night. I didn't touch the macaroni and cheese. I devoured the fucking spinach.

And they had a whole fucking garlic thing that they steam. I kept popping out each fucking garlic. one of the time. They got the steak medium rare. I hate medium, fucking rare. But with the garlic clove mixed in that fucking steak, it tasted fucking tremendous.

And the next day, I was blowing some tremendous farts at the gym. I went to the gym Friday morning, and I tell you, there was a couple old people there, and I would go by them. These were garlic farts. Dog, there was this one woman

that I would just go close to. I was doing like these dead lips with 20 pounds in my hand, just to stretch out my lower back, I opened up a workout with that. But by doing the up and downs, you're also moving everything in your fucking stomach. Dog, I was ripping some fucking garlic farts on Friday in there. I would leave the area and then come back and go, oh, my God, this is fucking terrible. And there were these old people in there because the gym I go to in the morning, it's older people.

And then if you go back, it closes from 12 to like 4. If you go back at four, I've only been there after four twice to ride the bike because I've been busy in the daytime. If you go after four, it's about, it's young guys and hot chicks and shit. But in the morning, it's just a couple old guys. There's like one or two young chicks. Jimmy Florentine goes in there. Jimmy Florentine was not there that day.

Let me tell you something. I was blowing some farts in there. You thought it smelled like fucking the Jersey turnpike in that. motherfucker and I was going a different part to the gym where the fart was just settling the fart would come out nobody was opening the doors so it was air conditioning and the fart it was like going you ever see Star Trek when they come down they have like the fucking things the light it was like there was a you would walk into it and go oh my god this is terrible and then I would have to go out of it was terrible I had like eight little fart

pockets in the gym that I would walk in and out of it was one by the squat machine one by the fly machine, one by the fucking tricep thing. I even fought it behind the lockers one time and I went back there to do like fucking sit-ups with the ball and I'm like, this is terrible. I came home, I pulled my pants off

to take a shower. Oh, it was fucking horrible. Those Miandis had like a fucking brown spot in it from the filth. I still use Miandis even though they canceled me. I don't give a fuck. I still use them. I'm loyal to Miandis. Even though they got mad at me and said,

you can't do the part we're not going to sponsor the podcast i still like me on these men so anyway that's the name of the podcast today just what i needed i'm a lot better i'm doing a lot better i'm happy you guys are still watching i'm happy you guys are enjoying these i'm happy you're enjoying these little stupid fucking stories this is what i'm going through but because of you guys i'm fucking back i'm back 95 fucking percent the anxiety's gone the drug use is gone it's gone it's all over. We're fucking tip-top Magoo and ready to fucking go and we did it together. I'm

with you, you're with me and they want to be with us. We did this fucking together man. So, like I've always said, the podcast audience has always kept me in check. I talk to you guys and you guys watch and you guys watch my every step. You see

the guests I have on, you see what we discuss and I'm very proud of that. I'm very proud that I got over this what I was going through it was something I'm really against doubt and fear we've talked about it a thousand times how they could fuck with you

and I didn't take my own advice I let doubt fuck with me I wasn't scared of anything it was just doubt I had doubt when I moved back here I didn't know what was going to happen I was going into uncharted I was in LA for 23 years

I had come out of my comfort zone and I had built a if you know anything about me, I'm, I build a comfort zone everywhere I go. I try to, you know, make my life as easy as can be,

you know. I was telling my wife the other day, I tell all my friends, I love you. And some friends of mine look at me like, what the fuck? You know, what are you gay?

What the fuck? For years, I've been, I think I've been doing this for like 20 years. And I started calling my friends who are tight with me, my brothers. And I used a lot of,

of love. If you guys see me on the internet, I always tell people love you, love you, love you, and that's because friends don't, when I say I love you, that means I'm not going to fucking inflict no pain into your life. I'm not going to

fucking, you know, be a burden in your life. I'm not going to fucking cause any problems in your life. I'm going to make your life as easy as I can. As a friend, as a brother, as a sister, that's what I fucking strive to do when I say love.

A lot of you people might see me and go, I just talked to my line. He told me he loved me. He doesn't even fucking know me. Yes, I do know you. And I do know that by me saying that it makes me stronger. And it makes you realize that with me, I'm not going to fuck you over. When I say, that's why I get mad at people.

They say they love me. Then, you know, if a girl tells you she loves you, she won't fucking cheat on you. So when a man tells another man, I tell another man or a woman, I love you, it's that I won't cheat on you. I will never fucking embarrass you. I'll never make you feel down. I'll give you the best friend that you can ever fucking have.

So it was good to see my friends the other night. And it was good that over the years I told them I loved them and they got to see it the night, the man that I became. You know, I was telling Mike that the big problem I'm having what this book is that I got to write the whole. whole thing, you know, with Erica. And it's a lot to tell. I'm trying to read this book, The Lives of Jimmy Page.

You know, it's a great fucking book, but I'm never going to finish it. And because it's too fucking big and it's too much in one fucking place. And that's the same thing I'm going through with my book. You know, I wish it was just narrowed down. to these 30 years from 1991 to this Friday. This Friday would have been my 30th year in fucking comedy this Friday. I would have, but one good thing is happening this Friday. Laughing Gas comes out at fucking the ice cream shop.

So do me a favor right now, before you even forget, go to Instagram and fucking add at Laughing Gas to your fucking list of friends. You're going to have specials on. they're going to tell you what stores have a laughing gas at and let you know what's going on i think they put a video up of me talking about it it's a great thing so that was gonna be part of my 30th year anniversary obviously i'm not doing stand-up i'm not gonna be on stage so it's really not 30 years but it is 30 years because i'm still a fucking comic in my mind i'm starting i'm still writing a few jokes from here to there nothing too fucking crazy and i put the fucking time in so

that's what I wanted the book to be the last fucking 30 years. So let's see what the publisher says. Let's see what the fuck we can make it happen because it's just too much information. And the last 30 years alone have been interesting as fuck on their own. I didn't even know that until I talked to Sickler on Friday and I'm like, fuck, this stand-up story is great because we were covering the beginnings of my LA life

when I got into the comedy store the first month or whatever. But anyway, that's good enough for today. I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. I'm happy you're here supporting today. And I'm happy I was able to do the podcast today. This afternoon, I have to go to the fucking dentist. My gums are still swollen. So they're going to fucking dig in there.

So I'll be back Wednesday, even if I have a fucking bandage and I got to talk like, it don't matter. I'll see you, motherfuckers Wednesday. Tip-top, motherfucker, McGoo on the 14th. I love you guys. Thank you for supporting the church. Thank you for supporting Patreon. Thank you for supporting the NFTs.

And this Friday, you'll be able to get laughing gas at the ice cream shop on Ventura Boulevard in California. That's where it starts. And then we'll branch out from there. Other stores in Southern California, Nevada, Colorado, so on and so forth. That's it and that's that. I love you, motherfuckers, at all my heart. Don't forget to follow Laughing Gas. And now for a word from our motherfucking sponsors, Jack.

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Never go to the post office again. I want to thank Stamps. I want to thank CBD Lion, but most importantly, I want to thank you, Coxuckers, for having my back on Monday and Wednesdays, and on Patreon, everything else you do. Like I said, don't forget to follow at Laughing Gas at Instagram to get the party started, and I love you, motherfuckers. I'm going to fix this devil pipe, no matter what. I love you, and I'll see you Wednesday morning. Tip Top Magoo. Stay black.

Have a good day. Love you, Coxuckers.