The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 08/05/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #102

Episode Date: August 5, 2013

Comedian Matt "The Full Charge" Fulchiron calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code Church at checkout for a 10% discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Also visit Dollar Shave Club for all your shaving needs. Go to dollarshaveclub.com/church

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. And now, by Dollar Shave Club, get high-quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollar-shaved club.com. or just go to joey ds.net and click on the dollar shave club banner oh shit oh shit

Monday August 5th and DJ easy rock hit it oh shit black people are jumping up and down somewhere right now fuck it oh shit oh shit hit it are you fucking kidding me Monday August 5th get up cock suckers it's the first Monday of the month Jumping jacks sit-ups push-ups kick the fucking dog whatever he need to do get the fuck out of the house There's jobs out there there's dreams hit it He wants to rock bitches what I get stupid The church live are you kidding me or what hit it hit it Lee kick this motherfucker The reason why I don't know so let's go uh

hit it what get up Watch those nuts. If you're a woman, watch that fucking monkey. Powered that bitch. You're trying to make fucking enthusiasts. You know what I'm saying? What the fuck? What?

Oh shit. Oh shit. What's happening, baby? Not much. You're on fire to this morning. I slept eight. I broke my toe. I went to Santa.

I'm rejuvenated. You know what I'm saying? Rejuvenated. Rejuvenated. I'm every fucking aided. I don't think people know. You broke your toe plate. And you did it. Fuck, yeah, like a savage on Thursday.

And he called me, you're like, dog, I broke my toe. And it's like, are you okay? You're like, yeah, I'm going back today at 10. I'll use my arms. What are you going to do? I can't, you know, they break your fucking toe. What are you going to do? They broke my little pinky toe. I'm like the black chicken haul in the night.

Somebody's shattering the pinky toe. The Brazilians broke them. No, I was doing the drill. I was doing a hip escape. And I went to, it's a hip escape. And you pull your legs up, like, to avoid the fucking shoot. And you pick yourself up and row backwards. On that one spin, my toe got caught right in the fucking matter.

And that was the end of that. I was in Santa Barbara all weekend limping around with my wife and daughter. Santa Barbara, the beautiful fucking city, man. We made a promise that we're going to go to a beach resort every three months just to check it out. Because you got to do it. You know, it's a shame to live somewhere and not explore it. I've got to be honest with you. I neglected California just because I was caught up in my career.

I was caught up. You know, when you're doing auditions and shit at daytime, you don't have time to be walking around in Venice, drinking wine with white people. You know what I'm saying? You gotta get out there and fucking hustle. It's always great on TV, how people drink wine in the daytime.

Oh my God, no, that don't fucking happen when you're hustling, when you're banging it out. I mean, don't get me wrong. I get to smoke a joint to chew from time to time. From time to time.

And bang it out like a fucking soldier out there. It's Monday, cock suckers. I love you. It's that type of day. It's that type of day. No more fucking around. It's August already. You've been fucking around all fucking year.

Get up, grab your balls. Do what you got to do. It's out there for you. The fucking month, the streets aligned with Getus. All you got to do is get out there and get it. It's there for the fucking waiting. I'm telling you. I wouldn't lie to you.

Tell him, Lee, we don't fucking lie in the church and shit. No. And you had a phenomenal weekend with Mama Cita. She came over. She rubbed your toe. Did you get a robe yet? No, what the fuck are you waiting for going? My dad wore a robe my entire life and it's scarred, but I can't wear a robe.

Listen to me. You think I like wearing robes? Yes. No, I don't. I got the bushy one. Yeah. The fluffy one that's light, but fluffy. Okay.

Delicious. Delicious. With pockets, you've got a lighter on one or joint in the other. Why don't I need to, if I'm wearing a robe, I don't want to carry. Because you're naked underneath. You just pop that motherfucker open, and the dick is right there. You know what I'm saying? The dick is already right there.

You're not walking around nude in front of her. Yeah. No, you're not. Sometimes. Wait, you're killing me. I'd shoot you if you walked around. I get a bow and arrow and stab you in practice. I would love to see you with a bow and arrow.

Oh, fuck, that's my main thing. For years, I loved it. You know what? I was scared of it at first. because those fucking blades are sharp, jacking on a bow and arrow. They don't fuck around. I did archery at camp. I loved it.

I loved it. I was good at it. You know, me too. Me too. I didn't do archery. I did shooting bows to stab people in the neck in Colorado with some fucking white dudes. If you robbed a house with a bow and arrow, that would be the best. That would be like the best movie.

Just you as a supervillain with a bow and arrow. Like Rambo. The best weapon fucking Rambo of a hat was a bow and arrow in Rambo 2. When he went back to whatever, Hong Kong of Vietnam, he fuck. See what I'm saying? My history is fucked up. We didn't fight out.

That's what I'm saying. This is why I'm going back to school. Remember, I don't know. So remember he had the explosive arrow? Yeah. You didn't see that one. I said, I forget what's the first. The first one is when he gets arrested up and arrested up in Washington State, those cuckers.

What's first blood? Is that real? First blood is the second one when he has the Chinese chick. Yeah, yeah, I saw that one. And then they went over there and he has the arrow. Remember the guy gets out with the gun, he shoots him with that fucking arrow. Tremendous. Black people in the movie.

Let me tell you some. I had the pleasure. And I've said this before. from 84 to 85 people were looking for me so I had a different way of life I wouldn't go to the movies in Jersey I would go to the movies on 180th and Broadway two blocks north

181st and Broadway three blocks north from the Port Authority right there in Washington Heights and there's a movie theater if you walked down in the old days it was a Carvel you could eat up there I get Cuban food I'd go get a nickel bag roll the joint on the walk that's how strong I was in those days roll the joint on the walkley get the paper fucking sprinklers

you're walking right in the hallway and smart that motherfucker right there nobody would say who got's to you and then you walk up to one of the eight first go to the fucking movie theater and then there was a Carvel down the corner tremendous like a doctor and they got on the train I'm in fucking Harlem I'm in and brought away dancing with fucking

people down there so everything's good you had a good weekend link yeah everything look good thanks man I'm trying you didn't do jumping jacks though this fucking weekend no when her mom has made me chicken and jaladas by the fucking plateful I can't But I have an announcement for everyone out there. Finally watch Silence of the Lambs.

You bad, motherfucker. And what did you really think? I mean, was it scary or was it a mind fuck? No, it wasn't. I actually enjoyed it. It wasn't one of those scary movies. I did see a scary movie later. But it was, I haven't seen Anthony Hopkins like that.

Because he was older when I first started watching movies. So to see him like that, and like, you were right. When she walks down to meet him for the first time and it's walking by all. And I can smell. your cunt and just just like seeing him and then he uh the one thing I did notice

and maybe because I'm used to looking for like little tricks for a spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen it but like when he put the guy's face on his own face I'm like I could tell because of the hair I'm like that's that's Anthony Hopkins I could tell but that was a it was pretty fucking cool it's on it's on HBO Go right now for people who want to see it so it's tremendous yeah it's a really well done

movie you know Jody Forster Don't show up, Doug, unless she shows up. Yeah. Always remember that about Jody Foster. That bitch don't show up unless she shows up. She reads the script. She knows what she gets. You've never really seen Jody Foster in a really, really, really bad movie.

She just has this gift, and she fucking kills. Like in that movie with Denzel, when she plays Inside Man. Oh, yeah, that's a great movie. She was good in that. She's always playing something fucking weird, you know? Yeah. But Hannibal Lecter was tremendous. The guy who played the cop.

What do you think about the gay guy that put his dick between? between his leg. That motherfucker, and he's also in the movie, Heat, he's on television all the time. Is he really? Yeah, but he's great in heat as the cop. And in that movie puts his dick between his legs, rub the cream on.

For the little chubby chicken shit, she's rubbing the cream on with the dog. That's a fucking Academy Award-winning goddamn movie. I'm proud of you. You see the differences in a movie? Do you see the fulfillmentness in a movie? You leave there, they answered every fucking corner. There was no fake explosives.

And that was a 90s movie. 90s weren't that great for movies. So that was a fucking hit in a half Yeah That was a hit in a half I'm telling you Sometimes you watch these movies And their entertainment

There's a difference in a movie That entertain you And it's a difference A movie that cuts your soul Because you're like God damn They did their work on this Yeah

And that's all I ever try to bring people I don't like fucking Flammie Flam movies I don't like just throwing away Fucking $4 you know Like the whatever $12 just because Some fucking guy

So it was a funny And you leave then you're like That was all right But I can get my two hours back For years, I never saw a movie that I left like that. For years, I never went into a movie and left. They're going, what the fuck? The last eight years, I leave there, leaving a movie going, what the fuck was that?

The last 10 fucking years. Yeah. I leave a movie going, okay. Yeah, the one thing I would have liked to see it, I wonder if they shot out the scene and just didn't make it. What was the guy's name, Hanamblector, how to kill himself in jail? Meggs, Meggs. I would have loved to, like, see like that. Like, because when they said he killed himself, when you told the story,

I thought, like, you had a scene with him in the dark. Saying like your father, your father killed, your father molested you or something. You know what's great about that, dog? You know what's great about the 70s, 80s and 90s? They let your imagination run wild with a movie. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you got to let somebody's imagination run wild. Like what did you say?

Everybody has a different conclusion. A couple years ago, I always watched The Godfather. And there's a scene in The Godfather when he walks out and he's playing with Abolonia, his wife. If he just marries him in Sicily and the car blows up, that guy got away. I remember leaving the movie today going, if he was such a fucking good gangster, what happened to that guy? If you watch the three disc collection with the cutout scenes, that guy goes to Buffalo and opens up a pizza place.

And one night you see him walking out of his pizza parlor, closing the fence, he gets into his car and the car blows up. Yeah. They fucking, so sometimes they shot it, but they want you to leave it to the imagination, which I really liked. Yeah. If I sit here with you, which I don't know, at the time, it's Monday, if we sat here and we went through my 10 favorite movies,

somewhere along the line, it left imagination to you. I just watched again. It was on the other night, not because I wanted to watch it. We went to Santa Barbara. Listen, the baby goes to bed at fucking 7 o'clock, no matter how you cut it. After 6.30, there's really not much you can do with my baby. She goes to bed at fucking between 6.30 and 8. If my wife takes into the bedroom and she knows sleep is coming,

she fucking loses it. She likes to fall asleep outside with us Let her fall asleep on her fucking terms You're following me She's already stubbornly Yeah so My wife don't fucking get it But anyway

There's nothing you can do You want to go to a restaurant for what You're gonna have to get up and not enjoy Like that night we went to the thing She's 630 is not a good time for her Yeah So we went to You know she goes to bed

I'm in Santa Barbara The reason I went to Santa Barbara Was just to relax Yeah All last week I made notes I really didn't write I took it easy. You know, I went to an extra couple of jih Tzu classes.

I just wanted to experience what a vacation was like mentally and physically. You know, and I went for the Y twice. I got shot in the knee. I did all my doctor. I got my heart fucking mammogram last week. A ultrasound on my heart. Beautiful. It's in gray shit.

It's a big mound of red with a dick. My heart's got a dick on it, dog. The doctor was, you know, I got to lose the fucking weight. We've discussed this before on the podcast. You know, it's not a serious offense, but the heart's strong. I have a couple scars from the sleep at me,

but nothing from the blow. Nothing from the blow. The blow is like a forgotten fucking soldier, but you and I both know that's bullshit. Every time I did a line of blow and knocked seven years off my life like a fucking cigarette and a fucking coffee shop.

But I did that last week and so I just wanted to, I wanted to see what life was like without a notebook. I wanted to see what people spoke about a vacation. It was good for two days. I really got, I never did that as a fucking kid, bro,

with my family. Yeah, and I'm going to give me 300 bucks. I got on a plane. to LA and I got with my uncle for a week or I'd go to Miami or I kick it around Loughburg and actually pick up and go and my patience was good I didn't have any problems with my wife you know it's getting real easy with the baby I mean I thought it would be a painy ass and there's a fucking painy ass sometimes to carry stuff around but you do what

you do yeah do what you fucking do Lee and it makes the end result is she's happy and the baby's happy and that's the end result and the quicker you get that in your fucking mind there's a young man the quicker your life I don't care how old are you 20, 25, you want it to last with this broad, you like her, you love her, do me a favor, just make a laugh, just make a smile. Nothing else fucking matters. As long as they're happy, you won't get your fucking balls busting. That's it.

It's that fucking easy. Trust me, you can look at all the love books and all the shit. And I'm not talking about you got to give them toys and flowers, nothing. Do the little things, because that's all that fucking matters at the end of the fucking week. Think about it in your life, what matters. The little fucking things, you know? Yeah. I mean, everybody wants a car.

You know what I mean? Nobody would turn down a sermons. serious BMW from some fucking sucker that wants to eat your little pussy. I ain't mad at you. But I saw your wife last night and your favorite part of something I would never have guessed. You went to like a little kid's aquarium museum and your wife

said your mind was blown. My mind blown. Guys I wouldn't lie to you motherfuckers. I'm a nerd at heart. Nerd, nerd. Glasses. You know, stupidity. I'm a nerd that smokes pot that turned out some other fucking way. Just turned out a different way. If my life

It would have been easy. I would have worked at a video store. I would have picked up one nerdish thing. Like how to fix a fucking mouse or something. You know what I'm saying? Like I wouldn't pick up one nerd thing and I would have fucking rode with it and be left alone. I'm a nerd. I live in my fucking head. That's what a nerd does. They're too shy to fucking go on and they don't care about outside. They're complete

with their fucking computer or their fucking little walkie talking to their uncle on the phone. You know, they don't bother fucking nobody. I started up building fucking models. I was fine on the 148. I wasn't stabbing nobody. I wasn't misbehaved, but my mother got insecure and pulled me out of 148, so I was hanging out with a bat. You know, I had some dirty white

kids I hung out with that I loved to all my heart, these little Irish killers, but I also had these three little nerds that read books. I forget what their names are, but they lived on half of the fucking the little Jew fucking card store. 148 sheet on the corner, I used to buy the glue there for sticky

child. They lived on top of that, and these little nerds got together, and they read the encyclopedias, and they talked about the moon, and, you know, what you're supposed to fucking be doing as a kid. Let me tell you what stuck out of my mind that my wife discussed yesterday. I know what you're talking about. Yeah.

We went to Santa Barton and went to the underwater museum. Whatever. He bucks together and me, her, and the kid, whatever the fuck it was. When you first get in there, there's these little tanks with all these little fishes and crabs and starfish. But the kid had a shark tank. And then he had a fucking star, whatever you call it. A starfish, right.

So he's holding on to the Starfish So as you walk in He goes hi how are you And these little kids And he's like touch it Touching little kids are touching And it's my fucking turn And a turd comes out of my ass

Right But I'm under pressure I got all these little kids watching me Go ahead sir Because they already fucking touch the starfish I'm looking at my wife Like I need this Should I smack this little fucking kid

Because he's not even saying He's a psychological genius This little kid He's not even saying touch it please He's saying touch it Touch it Like a fucking black Pimp, touch it.

That's a 13-year-old dirty white kid. I loved him. No, he's like Spanish kid. So I touched the starfish. I was fucking in awe. Like I thought like a kid again, I never touched no fucking fish when I was 10. I was in awe. My daughter touched, she looked at me like, what the fuck?

I was happy than she was. She's fucking eight months old, whatever the fuck she is. Then we'd go into another room and they had like little go, what do you call that jellyfish? That shit blows my mind. They had one that turned orange and brown and white. One shot with a purple light behind. It's tremendous.

guy, listen, how many fucking museums do you go to these small little shitty towns and they're fucking bustouts? They got like a lizard and a whale with a missing eye or something like that. I don't need that shit. This place was small, but every detail was taken care of, which impressed me. And they had another thing that it was

like a fucking, like a hand, like a crow, like a crab, whatever the fuck it was, a hoist. Okay. And the thing went into the water and picked dirt out for you. Okay. And then put it on the table and you took it apart and you put it under the microscope and it told you what it was. 18% chloride, oil.

Fucking brilliant. Sure my head's going to fucking blow up. And I'm looking at these little kids doing it, but another little kid is the volunteer. So this little girl was 10, she was a volunteer, she was helping other little kids. And I had to run out of that because I thought it was going to be my turn, right? Like she was like the fucking jellyfish.

So I just ran it. Because I would blow up. If I had to put that dirt under the microscope, my head would fucking blow up. I'd be in heaven. So I went upstairs. We went to the puppet theater. My wife did the puppet with the baby.

Then we went for this other fucking thing. We went down. We looked at goldfish, every fucking fish. Then we went downstairs, and I saw that little boy again. And when I looked at that little boy, I thought about my life. And I thought that could have fucking been me easy. No, I wouldn't have to look at those fucking dead bodies with those Irish kids. And I never came back from that.

I should have mind my fucking business. And I looked at that little kid in my heart broke. I go, can I talk to you for son? He goes, what's up? I go, you volunteer here or is a job? He goes, I volunteer here. I go, you get good grades? And he goes, I go, A's.

He looked at the floor and he goes, yeah, and I go, man, good for you. And I know, man, good for you. And I knuckled him. He knuckled me. And I felt great. I felt like a fucking nerd again. You know what I'm saying? Like, I just felt great. So it was... It's really funny because we get caught. We didn't do it for a while, but we were having coffee. And, like, we're talking about stuff and you're joking around.

And I went in to go to the bathroom and get a drink. And by the time I came out, your wife was there. And it's weird to change. Because when I went out, we were talking and you were like, yeah, and you were telling all the stories. But then we came back, you were doing, like, a little drum solo for your daughter. and like at first she wasn't paying attention but then like you got her on the stomach and she started laughing and giggling

and you just look over like tough crowd and then he just started doing like that's work bro I do that's what I'm saying I took the week off because I was entertaining the truffest fucking crowd in my life that's a but it was really nice man because I never went on vacations like that I didn't have a dad

until I was six a stepdad and he wasn't much into that shit you know we did a couple things but nothing like that nothing from the heart nothing that was meant you know yeah so too To me, this is a whole new fucking experience.

Then we drove back someday and stopped at the farmer's market. Yeah. Got some halibut for the week and some sea bass, you know, some fruit and shit. So, yeah, you got to try, you know. Listen, man, when I first got married, I made so many fucking mistakes. I sit here and I tell people that, yeah, we had a problem over the kid. I don't talk to the kid for 14 years.

But there were other little things I did. You know, I was young, and I didn't fucking know. Sometimes you're young, and you just don't fucking know, man. You just don't fucking know. So I'm trying to make up for those mistakes now. And if you're young and you're in a relationship or you have a kid and a wife, listen, that's a fucking tough one.

But you should have thought of that before you stuck your duck in the fucking girl and shallow loading that. While you were doing that, you weren't having a good time, yuck it up, breathing heavy. Now you've got a fucking kid, and now you've got to cut it.

And sometimes you do good and sometimes you fail. I fail the first time. I don't want to fail the second time. You know what I'm saying? So that's what this is all about. It's fucking Monday, cock-suckers. I hope you're learning something.

got that reefer, take the alpha brain, rub a little fucking juice on a pussy, it's Monday. What's that? What's Tony Bennett at? You know what I'm saying? He was at the fucking House of Blues. Oh shit. It was his birthday last weekend. My man.

How old is he down? He's like 80-something. My man from the palm hit me up. Anthony Spiro. I love you, Cotsucker. Hit it. I want to be around. Oh shit.

To smoke this fucking number. With Lisa. Yeah. It's a beautiful. fucking jam. Some, somebody twice as smart as I...

A little holy smoke on a Monday. You gotta smoke this shit. Yesterday was my buddy Anthony Balzano. No, Adam Expecial, drowned yesterday, 30 years ago. So, like, was he the first one? Because you had, like, three or four? Yeah. Over the span of a few months.

Yeah, he was... It was this kid Anthony Balzano that got to a car. accident first. Okay. And the eighth grade, he died. And then my mother died a year or two later, a year and a half later. And then a year later than that,

Domic Spichiazzi out. He drowned on the THC yesterday. I'm driving back on it. It's August 4th. Something fucking happened today. And it was really August 3rd. August 4th is when we found out because there was no internet in those days. It didn't make the paper until the 5th or something. Yeah.

So I always think of that. Very fucking sad. But it's Monday. What are you going to do? People come. People go, you live your fucking life. Tony Bennett's birthday. He did a concert Friday night at the Hollywood Bowl with Diana Ross. Yeah. My wife said that by Friday she had already sold 16,000 fucking seeds, Diana Ross. Oh, shit.

I read the review yesterday. She fucking killed them. Killed them, dog. They said her voice, 69 years old. People, if you fucking take care of yourself, these motherfuckers are going out there. My other buddy, Steve Avillo, and Mike Higgins called me yesterday. They were on their way to see Black Sabbath in dirty fucking Jersey.

Again, two guys, 30 years ago we went to see Sabbath and Ozzy. They're still hanging in tight these fucking savages. That's why you gotta love these motherfuckers always. Beside that, what else happened this weekend? Fucking interesting. Something really bad. Oh, I got home yesterday.

Yeah. And some bad motherfucker. I'm part of the church family because that's what we are. We're family. There's no fans here. We're fucking a network of debt. with family

email me and said Papa you made the fucking trailer I didn't know what he was talking about my heart stopped I didn't know what he was talking about but I didn't know what he was talking about because again belief is a motherfucker and the bottom line

people don't give a fuck about belief out here and I popped the trailer and there I was for the grudge match they put me in the fucking trail and I gotta tell you something guys I thought about you know even if you're 20 30 you've lived your life

and sometimes you make mental notes sometimes in life you make little fucking mental loss, you know? And I remember going to see taxi driving the movie theater. Yeah. I had to be a young kid, 13, 14. And it blew my fucking mind. Danero, have you seen Taxi Driver?

Of course. No, you haven't. I have with him and killing people doing the thing on the night's on the arm. Who's the little girl in there? I know where I don't know the name. Jody Forster. Oh, it is okay. Cock sucker.

This is what I haven't seen him for a while. Come here, let me kick you in the fucking midsection. So, sell that. So, what were we talking about, though? About the trailer. Oh, the fucking trailer. So it's funny, I've seen the taxi driver, right? And the movie theater blew my fucking mind, right?

Yeah. And then years later, it was on TV. Yeah. When I was a kid, I'm one of those fucking ABC channels where they dubbed it up. And I remember going to walk. By that time, I knew who De Niro was a little more three years later, by the time 15 or 16. I knew who De Niro was with Godfather 2 and all that shit. Now I was really into him.

And at that time, listen, acting for me. me was like a dream that I would never conquer. I was never good enough. I was an American, but I had all these excuses. All I was good at was basketball. But I remember going, Jesus fucking Christ, fucking look at this guy. When he takes the gun out at the end, he shoots the guy's like, I'll kill you, I'll kill you, and he shoots him in the hand,

and you see a hole in the guy's hand. All that shit's craziness. But when I first saw that, I remember going, wow, if I ever did do it, I wish it was with this fucking guy, you know? Like, just, just, and I saw that trailer yesterday. Do you want to play your part? I don't give a fuck, Lee. It's just, it's just one fucking line in the trailer, but it's just, it's not even about the line or the thing.

I made a fucking trailer with these guys, guys, ex-felon, guys, fucked up childhood, whatever the fuck you want to call it, with love, with a ton of love around me and belief and balls. We did this. This ain't, this ain't the end-all, be-all, this ain't a million dollars, they ain't hitting the lottery. but this is like a personal belief thing that somewhere in the back of my crazy drugged up cocaine, quail-looted thief in mind I had this little fucking belief

that I could do a movie I remember seeing Commando and the editor on Commando was a guy by the name of John Link he also edited something else he edited a punch of Arnold movies his name was John Link he edited Commando check him out

when I lived in Snowmass Village Colorado John Link used to come and rent videos from me like a lot of other producers but I became friends with you John Link. And one fucking day, John Link brought Arnold into that fucking mall and I nearly fucking died. And I didn't see

him. Something fucking happened. But John Link was my first ever thing that I met. And then I saw Michael Douglas and then I saw... What did he edit? He had a Commando. Okay. And above the Stephen Seagal movie.

Oh, John Link was a bad motherfucker. What did he edit? Let me find him. What the fuck? Yeah, he was a bad motherfucker. Yeah, that's what... It's funny, because I saw yesterday, so I tweeted it. It got put on... It got put on YouTube yesterday.

It has 10,000 views. And guess it has 40 comments. About 38 of them are Joey Diaz. Blue cheese with wings. Fucking Lucy Snorbush. It's the family. It's the family, dog. And the only one that's not...

The only one that doesn't say... Like, it's not about that stuff. It's like, who the fuck is Joey Diaz? It's the only non-Joe Diaz. These motherfuckers. So you know what? I don't care if you watch the trailer. This is just us talking.

If you thought you can't do something, fuck that fucking thought, motherfucker. You could do whatever to fuck. Look at this shit. Oh, shit. He did a lot of stuff. I wasn't in the fucking movie.

I was in the fucking trailer of the boot. I didn't think that. I was lucky enough to get in the movie. I do a podcast of six in the morning with a dude that calls himself to flying juice. I don't call myself. What movies do he do? Let's see.

He did. What was his last movie? I mean, he's dead? His last movie was. Cherry Falls in 2000. He did, I'm trying to find, like, well, for me, I loved the Mighty Ducks, but he did die hard. He did Commando. He did Predator.

He did, uh, let's hear. Fuck yeah. Yeah. And this guy used to walk around with a wine cooler and shit with flip flops on. Really? He used to talk to me all the time. His wife was English or something like that. In Snowmass Village, Colorado, Captain Video, when I used to work at the store as a video clerk.

And that was the only belief I had. He's like, you could do it probably. I don't know. And I'd say, can't you call somebody? Put me in the movies. And he told me he as an editor. And I tell you what, Lee, I swear to my mother and know what the fucking editor was.

Yeah. So that's how fucking bad that was. And let me tell you something else. So I broke my fucking toe. And that's all flying dandy. But again, I always get signs. My buddy Einstein, who called the podcast, the 10th Planet Black Belt.

Yeah. He runs 10th Planet Culver City. He broke his leg. Oh, shit. So last week out of the blue, he calls me and he goes, hey, Doug, I need a big fear from me. I hate to bother you because he's such a good kid,

Einstein. He goes, do you mind if I, do you have any extra strong bone in the house and I go yes I do I have half a container left if you want it I'll give it to you and he goes all right let me put some shit together I'll take it right up there he couldn't come up or something I couldn't find I don't know what the fuck happened I didn't see him when I broke my toe all weekend long I took the strong bone all weekend it's hurt I'm not gonna lie there's a little broken toe hurts today I gotta go get the last shot in my knee for that gel around my knee

which didn't hurt last week this is the last one that's it I really did too I could take one more today. I'm going to ask the orthopedic surgeons to look at my fucking foot. The whole thing of this, I kept taking those strong bones on Friday. Just because he said it to me. It was like a warning that I was going to break something. And I tell you, this morning it's

uncomfortable, it don't feel that bad. It bruised up Friday, and Saturday was the biggest bruising day, but it all went down. Sunday. Yesterday I went to the elliptical, and I wrote the bite just to work on my knee because I knew I couldn't work out today. So the strong bone fucking work.

You know, this morning for breakfast, what did I had? I had the hemp force protein shake. This weekend, what I take to Santa Barbara for snacks? I took the Hemforce bars. You know, I've been taking those tri-pack in the mornings. Maybe that's why I'm a little bit more fucking alert. Go to honor.com. Take a look at what they have to fucking offer you.

You never know what they have. I know what the fuck they have, and it's all good. There's some products maybe I don't use full time. But the hemp protein, that's a shake I had this morning with a banana. I haven't farted, and I farted at one time when I came in. It wasn't even that smelly. The strong bone is. helping my fucking foot.

Forget about the fucking shroom tech with the sport. With those mushrooms, those polysippic mushrooms that give you more. I fucking breathe. I took to my friend Salami yesterday. He's 46 years old. He went to roll. He said that everybody left and he stayed on the mat. On the way home, he remembered why he had so much energy because he took those fucking shroom tech.

My man, Mani that you met from VMA. Up at the fucking thing of the John Jugg Academy. I gave him some fucking shroom tech. He loves it. I'll tell you what? That fucking honored products, they're tremendous. Give it a goddamn shot. Go to the fuck. I told you. I don't stand behind nothing. We don't believe in here.

I'm telling you, I'm a fucking overweight, old man, but I'm a not in bad fucking shape, and it's partly because of that fucking on it. Go to Onet. Pick something. I'll pick the TriPack. Pick the... Excuse me, pick the fucking... The alpha brain, take the hemp force chocolate bars. Try something.

If you're having problems of energy at the gym, just try one container to Shroom Tech Sport. Just try it. It's a money back guarantee. Fucking try. Go there, pick it out, put in the cart, What are you put in the fucking church? Church in the cart on top, the little box. Get 10% off.

They put you on a thing for more specials. Plus, you become fucking family. Do it today. You won't be goddamn sorry. This is how I got to tell these people this shit because then they come up to me and shows Joey, does the honor really work? No, I'm telling you because it don't fucking work, okay?

I'm telling you because I'm taking the alphabet. I'm telling you that I'm not a savage with clothes on. How about a little ice cube for these people? I'm all huffed up and puffed up. Offed and puffed up. So beautiful motherfucking day they'll be alive. Get out there. Smoke 55.

I don't give a fuck what you gotta do listen to the live podcast we're doing another one August 14th at the ice house speaking of that Herb Dean's fucking cool he was a nice guy

he's a great guy man I'm happy you guys I told you hit it Lee just wick and up but from a girl I want to dig out a wiggle phone with Joey no get up with a camera it's Monday pops now

Look at you with your sexy fucking red shirt out. Scream, suck my dick, that shit. Go Lee. And everything is all right. The camera. There's women watching. Come on, Lee, that's not a wiggle. Come on, Lee, a little wiggle.

Shake those titties. Shake them, baby. Shake them, papa. Oh shit, you bad motherfucker. Today is a good day. Who the fuck you kidding? Kid you. Any day above six, there's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You're breathing. You're out there. You've got the potential for fucking danger and action in your life. As soon as you wake up in the morning, there's a potential for something good happening. You're going to smoke this junk, or I'm going to often this morning.

Um, fine. What's the haps on the craps? On the craps. Shake them up, shake them up, shake them up, shake them up, shake them. Fucking bad to the bone that jam This is when this motherfucker I'll tell you Before he was doing beer All the early fucking

This motherfucker was drawing some heat Right there in your own neighborhood Where you go pick up the girl every week Oh, in Englewood? That's right, it's all good in Englewood! Where are you fucking nuts or what? You can't wear red, You can't wear blue

You can't get black You can't wear white down there She took me to the Mexican Super That place was all Like that place was off the They had crazy stuff there. Oh, they got lizards and animals and half a bear for sale.

They don't do the fuck. They got Mexicans that just jumped over the fence. The people are stabbing them and shit. Got a call coming in? Is this my main little brother? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the full charge. Oh, shit.

In full motherfucking effect. First of, I heard that the show that you guys did this weekend was fucking just tremendous in a comedy level. You Burke Chrysha and Jerry Rocha. Are you fucking kidding? me? It was tons of fun man, and the audiences were great. Let's be honest, we were great.

It was fantastic, man. I loved it. Every second of it. Tell these motherfuckers who I'm on the phone with. Yo, you're on the phone with Matt Fulstra? Who else? Come on, baby. 6.45. Every day. Come on, baby. Smoking them and shit, like Ice Cuban fucking 91.

What's up, baby? Comedy, me and you. What's been going on? Talk to me, man. Dude, I've just been... July was slow. was Alan. I just been flummer around podcasting. And then this month I'm going nuts, dude. I'm going to go. I just did Irvine. I'm doing Wilmington, North Carolina

this weekend. And I'm doing Pittsburgh, PA, at the improv. Then I'm doing Richmond, Virginia. With Burke Chrysher again, I'm headlining one day that week, and I'm doing Tempe, Arizona Improb, tape and a CD in Tacoma, Washington

September 7th. I need people to come out. to that. You're a beautiful fucking man. Now you have your own podcast, right? Yeah, the full crunch power out of it. Okay, I saw it on there. I've never listened to it, but I saw it on there. As a matter of fact, I'll download a couple now

for my next plane trip because I've always been a big fan of yours. Everything about you. You're just a smooth little motherfucker that just... Now, where are you from originally? I'm from Southern Maryland originally. No shit. Small town, like way back. You know, my dad

is for Bergen County, dude. no shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a small fucking. All right. And, you know, every time I see you got this flavor. You're one of the guys that I, every time I see, I get happy. Like, I get warm inside to give me a hug. You just got that

type of energy, and you've always been cool. You're a fucking smooth pimp. And I'm happy, man, that, you know, I can tell you one thing in my heart. And whether you want to believe me, Matt or not, it's up to you. I've been here for... I do believe you, man, because every time I see you, I get happy as hell.

I feel the love. I've been here for 16 years, man. I love seeing you, Joey, and that's why I'm up to 645 calling your ass. Okay. Because I love you. I've been here for 16 years, and I've got to tell you something, and if you don't want to believe it. Matt, your number has been picked.

It's just a matter of time before the world knows who the fuck you are. And I tell you this with all sincerity in my heart, because you've got all the tools since day one I've always been. It's a love, but I'm always going, I wish I had what that guy fucking has. You got this Joe Jackman's... in motherfucking coolness to you. You're like a cool motherfucker without a weapon.

I mean, I've never seen somebody so cool without a weapon. Usually a cool motherfucker got a weapon on them. That's why I'm so fucking cool, because I know shit's going to get deep in this motherfucker. But you're just a warm guy, man. You just fucked up because now I'm calling you every

morning. Just to get the pet dog. I don't give a... Dog, I tell motherfuckers how it is because it's true. If I see it, I see it. I sat here for a long time and nobody would talk to me, and now people talk to me a little bit, but I never thought they would talk to me. And I talk to you sometimes,

and you're in the same boat sometimes, like, you're right there. You're just knocking on the door. Some people have touched you with some great energy from Daniel Taj to Bert Kreishe, so you're right there. It's just a matter of time before Comedy Central puts you up there to be the fucking king. Thanks, man. You got that coming from your uncle Joey, and that's straight up from the fucking heart. What else is cracking? Tell me

something good. Do you smoke any joints this weekend? That you butt bang any chicks? I don't smoke in any joints. I had a couple beers. Okay. Last time I even messed with marijuana, I think, was like, shit, April. Okay. You boy Rogan came through town.

I was working with Segaro. We went to a couple UFC fights. We had a couple edibles. Oh, fuck you. It was exciting, dude. Very exciting. As long as you had a good time with Joe. We get to walk into their arena or whatever with Joe.

And then, you know, we got to walk in celebrity status. and then everybody was texting us pictures because me and Tom Seguro were in the background of like a lot of the fights and everything it was pretty flaunting because I'm not even into that shit but you know how it is once you get there

you're like oh dude kick his fucking ass how good is the energy in one of those I mean you've been to concerts and sporting events how good is the energy in the UFC it's almost you know you think it's going to be disturbing I'm not that violent of a person I'm not into violence but it's kind of amazing

and it's just it is crazy And like the crowd goes nuts, it's very, it's very primal and very Roman Empire, if you will. You know? That's a good fucking way of looking at. You're waiting for fucking Russell Croto going to fly out with a sword and stab a bunch of your motherfuckers. Let's get some lions out there. That's really good about Guam. You know what's always surprising about the UFC's, Matt, and I know that maybe you expect 20 fights outside the ring.

Yeah, I know, because everyone's so fucking jacked. Everybody's jacked. They're all, like, they're all crazy. They're just crazy, jacked up guys. It's funny. And then Rogan, such a smart comic, all these guys that are all yelling and screaming and on a primal level, then they go see Rogan at the comedy show the next night,

and he's all intellectualized and coming with the smart shit. It's kind of funny, man. It's kind of crazy how he's one of the smartest guys, and then his audience is so jacked up and ready to fight. You know what's crazy, though, when you talk to these guys, come to these shows, these Rogan shows, after the show itself, and you talk to them, you find out these little, they're such,

they're podheads that do something, brilliant. And you're like, really? That's what you do for a living. So it kind of balances out. We're crazy comedians. Joe's the smart one. I'm the savage. But these people, even the people who come to see me,

they're little guys with glasses. They're nerdy guys, but they're fucking savages inside. They tie their women up. They piss on them. They come in their fucking armpit Their fucking nasty little motherfuckers With glasses on it don't matter We all have that

And like you, you're a fucking savage I see you with the Joe Jackson outfit on But you're slinging dick Yeah That's amazing It's just so fun to be a part of all this shit Now are they headlining you yet Are they headlining you yet full time

You know I'm kind of back and forth Dude I'm like I'm headlining some smaller clubs And then you know The bigger, the chains and stuff, I'm really not headlined. Let's be honest. Okay, now, what have you done for Comedy Central? Did you not get a half hour or an hour?

I got a half hour special on Comedy Central. Okay, and how long ago was that? That came out 2011. Okay, that's the one I saw that I really laughed, and I think I contacted you on. Because you always make me laugh. You're one of the fucking few motherfuckers that makes me laugh just straight from the heart. I knew it was recently, but I don't know. And they haven't given you an hour yet.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I'm still working on a new hour. It's been two years. I don't have a new hour yet. So the time, I'm working on it still. And you have management and the whole thing? You're taking care of in that division? As far as what?

Management and agencies and all that shit working. I got a manager. I don't got an agent, but, you know, I got a manager and just trying to figure out the whole road thing and everything. Okay, now. I'm working. When did you start comedy? I'm working.

When did you start comedy, Matt? I started comedy in 98th, July 98. What made you start? I just like, you know, I wanted to be a screenwriter and stuff, and I used to be in bands and stuff, and I kind of miss performing, and I had just moved to L.A., and I just realized I saw some people doing comedy at a coffee shop,

and I was like, I didn't even know people still did the shit, and I'm like, I'm going to give it a shot, and then I did it at the goddamn laugh factory first time, but I was I was hooked on the rush and everything and yeah I just wanted to do it tried it once and then I was kind of hooked I've never gone like more than a month without doing it Were you scared the first time? Was there any fear?

I was sick to my stomach man Because I was waiting in line at the laugh factory right And this dude that has done a million times He's like hey you know where you usually go up And I'm like fucking I'm like nowhere And he's like dude you gotta You gotta get some experience before you go up on this stage up here.

You know, he's like, you're applying for a job as a lawyer and you only have a high school diploma. But I told all my friends that I was going to do it, so I kind of had to do it. And I was so nervous. You wouldn't recognize me, Joey. I was pacing back and forth, nervous, not finishing sentences. But I got enough laugh.

You know, the laugh factor. It's easy to get a laugh. Enough to give me hooked, you know what I mean? And after that, that's it. You quit your job, and you fucking chose his life of a crime fighter. Yeah, I mean, I kept a job for years and years and years, but I abused the job. You know, I'd always be, like, testing them, like, yeah, I'm going to go on the road. Fire me if you have to, but I'm going on the road.

And I just abused jobs like that for years. They never actually fire me. Did you go to college, Matt? Yeah, I went to college at University of Maryland, Baltimore County. And you got a degree? Yeah, I got a degree in visual arts, man, which is, like, pretty worthless. And your parents, what they say to you when you told them? you were going to try stand-up?

They were pretty into it, you know. Yeah, I was so young when I first tried it. They didn't really think much of it, that it was, you know, anything to worry about it. I had a job at the time. They didn't think too much about it. I think they were pretty amused by it, to be honest. And what do they think about you today?

What do they say to you when you talk to them? I think they're pretty proud of all the accomplishments and stuff, but I think they kind of got a handle on how unstable it is to be like an artist and shit. So I think they're a little bit more worried, a little less amused, to be honest. That's amazing. That's just an amazing thing that we choose this and we stick with it knowing that, you know, it's not what makes us choose this. And like you said, you're sick to your fucking stomach before you go up.

Before you go up, you're sick to your fucking... You've got a human instinct not to go up there. And that kind of doesn't go away. You'll get a little nervous. At least I do. You'll get a little nervous beforehand. It's amazing that I still pee my pants before I go on stage with that full time. Just a little bit comes out of my dick.

Just a little bit. When I'm on stage... There are some days where you're like, it hits you a little harder than usual. And you're like, what is this? My first time? What the fuck's wrong with it? You know? But it's like so weird because I'm scared and I still do it after...

It's such a fucking... It's so... It's like knowing you're going to... gonna go get scared of a horror movie. But then it all goes away and it all moves so fast that you're like, Jesus fucking Christ, it's just... There's the time I'm paranoid, like, my fly is down, and then I think I'm like, maybe I'm gonna, like, piss a little bit.

You know what I mean? And then I'm like, did I piss a little bit? Is there a cot on my pants? Like, all the shit's going through my head while I'm telling a stupid ass job. No, all that shit goes through my head as they're introducing me. Yeah, right. Like, as they're saying, okay. Coming to the stage, but right there, I get this little urge that I got to peat.

Like, I got to stop him and run and pee. And then after that, after I overcome that for a second, I realized that my ass is dirty. Not that my, the inside of my asshole, I forgot to wipe the wipe. Like, that's what my mind tells me. You got to go wipe your ass. It's dirty. You're going to sweat, and your ass is going to sting, and you won't be able to scratch it up there. I always got a shit before I go out of the stage.

And then, like, that's just weird. It's just weird. Like, like, uh, then you go on stage, and then when you get off stage, you don't have to shit. It was like, you went right back inside your stomach somehow. You know what that is, though? I think that's fight or fight. Like, you want to, like, that's like an old instinct. Like, because that's exactly where your body thinks is going to happen.

I think you're about to go up there and, like, fight. Your body doesn't want to go up there. You know what I mean? So it either wants to shit out and be lighter or, I don't know. Thank God I'm not a fucking fighter, though, because. Because my ass would stink every fucking... Thank God I'm not a fighter, because I'd have to pee. I mean, it's terrible.

It's fucking terrible. I look at those fighters in the UFC, and I'm like, man, that is fucking crazy. They have to walk down and people touch you. And then you got to open up your arms, and you got to wrung barefoot and get all this fungi on your foot. Yeah, not only do you have to, like, fight somebody and get your ass kicked a little bit. You got to do it in front of people. So they still have the same stage fighting shit we have,

But then they've got to take some physical abuse on top of it. It must be such a fucking rush. It's such a rush when you do something against your, again, back to the fucking thing when you're out of your comfort zone. If it's up to us, we'd all swim in fucking five waters worth, we'd all swim in five feet worth deeper water. It'd be a couple of us, you know? We'd all want that safety net.

But life without that fucking safety net, boy, is it fucking scary? Yeah, I know. I know. It's weird. Somebody sent me an email last week. Joey, can you just do me a favor and get me fired up? I'm moving, and I'm kind of scared. And at first I thought to myself, Jesus Christ, you know, if somebody needs to fucking move, what kind of pussy is this guy that he needs help to move? And I started thinking about it.

I thought about his words. And I thought about, I remember fucking moving to Colorado for the first time and having like $800 in my pocket and going, what's the next? That's scary. Well, you can't sleep the first night. This nice hotel. You're like, all right, now I'm in Denver. What the fuck am I going to do?

tomorrow. I got $800 is going to last me a week and a half. And you know, kids write me all the time on Facebook and stuff. They want me to help them encourage. You know, they want me to encourage them to move and stuff. And I'm always like, what are you talking about? Because I moved down here, no problem. But then if I

really think about it, it's a huge culture shock to move. And I just went to New York last year. And even at my age, with my, like, stand-up resume and all my social skills and stand-up skills, it was still like kind of traumatic just to go somewhere different and just not know everybody and stuff.

So it is kind of, and I read about it. It's like, it's kind of like a traumatic thing to move. But you just got to know it's only a temporary thing, and you're always going to be glad you went, whether you stay or you go or whatever. It's always worthwhile. That's my opinion anyway. Hey, bro, you know, I used to have Warren,

so I was always on the move. I know it is to fucking move, you know, motherfuckers. You didn't need anybody talking you didn't do it. You knew you had to go. I had inspiration, Jack. Somebody was always looking, and it's amazing. That's what we call inspiration. Yeah, yeah, no, it was, and I think back now, and I'm like, wow, I did all these moves.

I came here. Coming here was fucking scary. Come in here was, oh. Coming here wasn't a move. I was too young and dumb to know the difference. I was just like, it was all exciting to me, and, you know, I just drank through the whole thing. No, it was all good. This was something to me that I never dreamed of.

coming here. This was like the major leagues. Like, I do comedy in Denver. I may go to San Francisco and do a weekend as a feature, an MC, but I'll never be in L.A. That's never going to happen. So I won't even think about it. Yeah, and then Stanhope talked me into it, and I remember, and the same thing.

Where did you run into Stanhope? In Seattle. I bumped into Stanhope my first year in comedy in Boulder, Colorado, the place called the broker in. And in those days, Tribble had a Tuesday

a Thursday and a Friday Saturday so once you did the broker in and you got thrown out on fucking Wednesday morning you had to pick a night to stay somewhere I didn't do it for everybody I did it for the cool comics

I let him stay all in my house yeah and we kept in touch and then we lost touch and then he came back through again and we hung out again and then I lost contact on him and then I was in Seattle when he won San Francisco

and then he came up and did a weekend and he talked me into moving down. I stayed with him on his bunk beds. Nice, man. Yeah. Well, that's a good way. That's a good way to get in.

You know, if you're going to move to L.A., and you can do it via Stanhope, that's pretty awesome. Yeah, I never forgot that. That was always a great thing when you have that type of encouraging. But, man, you know, I've seen you everywhere. You still do spots at the store? Yeah, I just got back in at the store, dude. Someone showed Tommy my half-hour special.

For some reason, he thought I wasn't really doing comedy or something. And you know how it is over there. You can't really talk your way into it. You just kind of got to, like, wait for something like that to happen. And, yeah, I'm back in the loop over there. Good, man. Listen, man, when we were... Lee, say hello.

This is Matt. Hey, man. He's the producer of the show, The Flying Jew. Yeah. One of my little brothers. I was listening last night to this Edwin San Juan. Yeah, yeah. We were fucking around and we were talking about who we wanted to be on.

And he mentioned that he said he was a fan of yours, and I had heard your name like three times. I go, let's fucking get Matt on. I've always loved that. Yeah, this is fucking awesome, Joe. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, yeah. You know I love being on.

No, no, no, you're my little brother. You know, I know it's an early podcast, but you're a good fucking guy. I'm up now. And I want to, oh, no, no, now you're ready to go. Now you've got to go to breakfast and smoke a number. And while you're coming back, if there's a bar open, you might as well stop in and get a bloody marry. Hey, it's Monday. It's fucking Monday.

This is as good as it gets. I never would have guessed. And now I'm going to feel better about myself. Just like to get everything done by noon and then just go to bed. Oh, yeah, yeah. One o'clock you watch the episode of Castle. I always puts anybody asleep fucking that show on that, TNT, and you're out until about six when everything gets kicking again.

You know what I'm at the last factory tonight. So if you're not doing anything, I'll be there about 9-20. It's Latino. I don't know. Where do you live, Matt, in Hollywood? I live in Alhambra right now, man. Oh, shit. I came back to L.A. without a place to stay.

But I just knew I had to get back to L.A. because that's where all my hookups were, right? and I ran into my web guy and I knew he had a guest house so I was like dude I'm renting your guest house and I'm so glad I did because I totally like picked his brain

to put my podcast up and now I got my podcast up and run it and you know how it is I mean that's like the best thing going to have your own podcast and just fucking get your own your own thing going so I totally lucked out yeah Lee and I have been doing this one for a year

and it's been a great thing I mean, when we started the podcast, Lee didn't want to talk. He was just going to sit there and help me out. Now he's one of the best co-host out there. He's a fucking savage. There's a little red shirt on. He wiggles. He jumps up and down.

We've got to meet in edibles and puking and shit. It's the man. It's the church, baby. You got to go to math. It's the church. But that's it, my friend. Where are you at in August? Break it down for these motherfuckers.

In August, man, I'm in, I'm at the Nut Street Comedy Club in Wilmington, North Carolina. I'm at the Pittsburgh Improv the next week, August 15th through 18th. I'm at Richmond, Virginia, Funny Bone, the 21st to 25th. Tempe Improv with your boy, Josh Wolfe, last week of August, and then Tacoma Comedy Club, September 5th through 7th. But come out on the 7th because I'm taping a CD.

And who you're taping the CD for yourself? What's that? You call, you call, you're doing a CD for yourself? Oh, yeah, doing a stand-up CD, man. And it's on a label? It's a label or yourself? I'm doing it all this. What's that?

It's a label or yourself? Oh, dude, I'm just doing it myself. Beautiful. I'm doing it on iTunes, correct? Yeah, iTunes, you know, get impressed, do the whole thing. So do me a favor. Once you put it out, give me a call. I'll see you before then.

You call up again, and we talk about it, and we fucking giggle and we laugh, and that's how we do it. Love it, dude. I would love that. Matt, I love you to death. appreciate you got up and called us this morning. You're a fucking great kid, and I wish you all the luck in the world, man. I love you, buddy.

Have a great week. Lee, throw him a kiss, cuck, sucker. Bye, man. Bye, Lee. I see it, dude. That's a bad motherfucker there. I love that guy. Yeah, he's great.

Let me give some shoutouts real quick. Alex Dyer, fucking Mike Kirby, Steve Ramirez, Derek Thomas, you bad motherfucker. Amir, wait for dust, Ricky, Mono, Randy, Villerton and Emilio Guerrero. I love you, motherfuckers. You know what? I tell you what? Before you tell these people about Hulu Plus, I know that you watch one of the shows this weekend.

You know our boy, fucking Benjamin Schack, he gave us a recommendation. This is a show on Hulu Plus called Hard and Heavy. It covers Zeppelin and Pearl Jam and all this shit. So if you're into it, I'm going to watch it tonight on Hulu Plus to Hard and Heavy. Oh, cool. I'll have to check it out. What did you watch? Last night, well, Hulu, for my birthday, I went down to San Diego,

and they had this party at a very nice hotel for a show called The Awesomes. And I decided to watch that last night. Because I was just, I had watched everything I wanted to watch recently, and it has a bunch of people I like in it. The executive producer and stars Seth Myers. They have Bill Hader and Kenan Thompson, who I grew up watching in Keenan and Kel. So Keenan Thompson is like, ah, fuck, do you ever see Keenan and Kel with like, who loves orange soda? Kale loves orange soda I used to...

I used to die of that show But it's like an animated Superhero show And it's just on Hulu Plus Like a lot of people are starting to do that now A bunch of companies And Hulu Plus has a bunch of shows And it's like

It's like an anti-superhero Like he's kind of like a nerdy kid Who like takes over like from his father Who's like the best superhero And they have two episodes out now They have the pilot in the second episode and it's pretty cool. They're trying to do stuff to mix it up,

and they have a bunch of cool stuff. So they have a bunch of other shows out now. But the new one that I like, it's called The Awsams, and it's a Hulu Plus and has, like I said, Seth Myers and Bill Hader and Keenan Thompson, and it's pretty cool. I'm happy. I'm fucking happy.

You're a savage and shit. So you go to Huluplus.com. Here's the deal. Plain and fucking simple. You go to Huluplus.com. You press Joey into the box with you go to HuluPlus. Or you go to Joey CocoDia or Joey Diaz.net. Go to the fucking Hulu Pluscom and press church in the box, correct?

No, Joey in the box, just like that, you get two free weeks of Hulu. You can watch your little Kevin and Cal and the show animated. You can watch hard and heavy. If you don't like it after two weeks, you go bye-bye, but you're going to love it. You're going to fucking love it and you're going to lose your fucking mind just like my wife did. Then have to have $799 a month. That's $8.00. You understand me?

$8. That's $2 a week if you break it down to $1. watch a bunch of shows. $2 a week. Compare that to other prices out there, and then you get back to me. That's what we do with the podcast. I'm turning you on.

Not only do you get Hulu Plus with us. Tell them what else we broke down from this dollar shave club. Break it down, Lee. Oh, shit. Because you know more, you got a fucking beard. You don't really shave that much. I'm going to start.

I'm going to start shaving now. Okay. Because one of the main reasons I didn't is because it's so fucking expensive. It's fucking, are you asking me last night? Like, how much are razers? Because like, at a certain point you stop asking. So I combine the pussy razor with my face razor.

I don't give a. whatever she shaves a monkey with I shave my fucking face with so it's I heard about it a while ago when we found out about it they sent us the YouTube video but I've seen the YouTube video before it's huge that's

you know the old Spice commercial where it's like the guy like a lot of commercials are like that so the guy he's a young guy that had the Dollar Shave Club what they do is they make their own blades and their own razors because I even when I was shave I had the one with the vibrant rated that didn't do anything that I spent 30 bucks on.

This one, they send you your own razor, the handle for it, and they send you a pack of razors every month. You change it every week. And it comes to you, like, you don't have to think about it. Because I would always be the guy that it is. And you forget about it, and then you shave with a dough razor. And you don't have one. And then you get ingrown fucking hairs.

It's a goddamn nightmare. So what these motherfuckers do is they send you four razors a month. That's one a week. So you shave fucking every other day. You throw it away. You keep it fresh. They send you some lotion, correct? Yeah.

After shave lotions, what else? A towel. A little black guy hands your fucking towel. It's a tremendous deal. Break it down from me. All right. So we just go try it out. You can go to dollar shaveclub.com

and you go dollar shave club.com forward slash church. Or you can go to joey dyes. There's a dollar shave club banner. And it just try it out. It's like I signed up for it. They sent me. they're sending me a handle razors

their cream and their towels and it's $19 a month and like it's it comes to your door you don't have to think about it because I always forget about it and then you have to go to the CVS and you can't just pick them up anymore you have to grab the guy to grab it and they never grab the right one so just try it out it's dollar shaveclub

dot com forward slash church 19 a month that's for something a fucking week you got a fresh new razor your face looks nice not like mine all these fucking marks on my face are from the ingrown hairs over the years from not getting the fucking razors from spending money on the fucking Coke and taking the razor up to chop up the fucking coat.

You don't have that problem no more. You sign up for Dollar Shave Club. You should go to Dollar Shave Club.com. For $4,80 fucking cents, you get a razor every week, some lotions for your face, you smell nice, you don't have to put all that fucking expensive stuff on your face. This is nice. These are all generic stuff.

You're going to love it. Trust what I'm telling you. Don't fuck around. Don't break it down for these cocks out of leave. Yeah, so just let's break it down. You're going to be, Working out, you're on fucking on it. You're doing the alpha brain.

While you're taking your alpha brain, you're watching the awes on Hulu Plus. And after that, you're going to shave with Dollar Shave Club, and your morning started. And if you're Puerto Rican, you can shave with one braiser for two weeks. Save the fucking razor. Back it up. You follow what I'm saying? That's how Puerto Ricans do it. That's how I would do it.

What are you talking about? And Jews also. I gave some shout-outs, but there's a sexy little freak Michelle Carrey, you bad motherfucker, you. You know what I'm saying? That's how we're doing it. August, what is it, Fifth, I think. Fifth, you dirty motherfucker, what is it? You and your wife were saying

something to me yesterday and I thought about it, because you said you stopped at a McDonald's to get, like, the little egg white for breakfast. I did something, and I'm fine doing it, but I realized how stupid. We talked on the live podcast about Denny's, and it's kind of gross for regular food, but for breakfast it's good.

I went to brunch this weekend with the girl. I don't understand. It doesn't make sense to go anywhere but like a place like that. We went to, like, one of these places on Ventos, Torah that had like a 30 minute wait and it costs like 36 bucks and then we went to dinner that night and spent the same like how come eggs cost

the same amount as dinner? And I'm like why did I go somewhere nice for breakfast? There's all these fucking places on sunset. There's one place that yeah the food's great. If you wait online for breakfast guess what? You're a fucking dumb fucking communist. You're a fucking dumb

communist. You ever go to those places on Sunday and you see all these fucking yuppies outside the place? Like oh my God Really? You're going to wait 30 minutes to eat fucking eggs and potatoes just to be cool, you dumb motherfucker. But there's a Greek somewhere that makes eggs and butter, beautiful, chops potatoes up, and fuck all that good.

Oh, eggs with jardinets sauce. Guess what? Eggs weren't supposed to have jardinay sauce on it. You fucking faggot! Get your shit together. Don't wait online for breakfast, you fucking morons. That's against the church. You're waiting online in the morning that they're programming you to be a fucking

Tommy cock sucker, a sheep, A follower. If you're with the fucking church, if you're with the family, you ain't a sheep or a fucking follower. You're a leader, you motherfucker. We don't wait in line for fucking eggs. I don't wait in line for food.

I just don't. I don't have fucking time for it. If I got to wait on the line for fucking food, you're a fucking moron, man. Like waiting there, like, oh my God, it's so cool to eat here breakfast. Really? For two fucking eggs?

Eggs, listen, I used to go to a no-ho diner. Yeah. I love the place. We've gone there a couple times. But I'm going to pay $20 for breakfast for myself. Yeah, that makes sense. Why don't make fucking sense? I don't care if you're a millionaire.

I don't care if you. You make money, you don't make money. It's two fucking eggs, two pieces of bacon, some potatoes and two pieces of fucking toast, and maybe a little bowl of oatmeal. Denny's just got a great deal. Like, Grand Slam, whatever the fuck is. It's four bucks, yeah. It's four bucks, but you're eating fucking some sheep's fucking ass bacon.

That's light and shit. It tastes funny. You burp it until 12 o'clock. I don't need that fucking aggravation in my life. Even if you sit at home, you get two strips of bacon. It's two points. You get that fucking Oscar Meyer, the thick cut bacon from the back with two fucking eggs. It's all this.

But if you're waiting online in the morning for shit, what is the rest of your day going to be like? Take that to the fuck. It's Monday. It's the church of what's happening now. Who loves you more than me? We gave you Dollar Shave Club. You got Hulu. You got on it. And guess what else you got today? A fucking pair of balls. So go out there

and stick them in somebody's fucking mouth. August 14th and August 28. Myself and Lee Syatt are doing a live. Get it. Live. We guest podcast at the Ice House. Tickets of 10 bucks on a Wednesday. You're going to sit there. 626-57-18-94.

August 22nd to the 24th, Mrs. Obama shaved that pussy and put the Barry White records on. I'm coming for you, you sexy motherfucker. DC Improv. Get your tickets now. And then we're doing a live podcast, September 26th, up at the Portland, Oregon, Helium. Myself, Lee, I am.

We're trying to get my main man, Pat Healy, who I love with all my heart, that bad motherfucker. And that's it. It's Monday, August 5th. If you've got to do it, you got to fucking do it. Get out there, sling some dick and put that ball sack in somebody's fucking mouth today. They're paying for you to get up, you bad motherfuckers. Hit it, Lee, I love you.

We're going to leave you with some fucking Led Zeppelin since I've been loving you, you bad motherfuckers. Get up, get that joint. Tell the boss you're going outside to get your head together. Smoke that half a dude you got in the car. Hit that fucking cigarette. Hit a fucking bonaco or a dentine. And you go back in there like a soldier and breathe on the bitch. Have a good day.

Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free. trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows. That's why I wait for dusk. I love you. Thank you. I'm sorry, though. I got out of time. Any time, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial

of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com or go to joey-d-d-s.net and click on the Hulu-plus banner. Also, don't forget to sign up for your free... Don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shave Club.com. You'll get high-quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. I love these guys. Joey love these guys, and you will too.

Now go to dollar shaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeydiaz.net and click on the dollar shave club banner. And if you're a lady, sign up for dollar shave club, but don't shave it completely. Leave the little strips over the tunk of land and you fucking click. You like a little bit?

I like hair on that fucking monkey. Mm-mm-mm-mm. Have a great day, motherfucker. It's the church.