The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 08/12/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #104

Episode Date: August 12, 2013

Joey and Lee solo! This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. Hulu Plus. Vist huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit dollarshaveclub.com/church for the most innexpensive and coolest way to shave. Recorded live on 08/07/2013

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or just go to joey diaz.net and click on the dollar shave club banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. We're back Monday, August 12th. The first day of your fucking life. Get up, brush your teeth, do some jumping jacks. Maybe you sit up. Maybe a rollover.

Do something. Oh shit, Lysayette, you bad motherfucker you. Sitting there all fucking mesmerized. Led Zeppelin, the story. song remains the same. Off the fucking houses of the Holy Al. Making it happen for you. Oh shit.

Look at Lee. Jumping up and down. All fucking excited today. Hit italy. Here you go. Here's the wrath of fucking God. Right here. Smoke that number.

Get that coffee ready. Put your socks on. It's going to be a beautiful fucking day. Eat it gummy there. Eat a gummy. You got any left? That's my boy. All right.

Turn that shit off. What's happening? I feel great, man. What's happening, beautiful people? Hope you had a great fucking weekend. The church of what's happening now? It's in full motherfucking effect. What's happening, baby?

I took a page out of your book. I went to bed at 10.30 last night. Come on, now. I had to, because I'm waking up this early, and I just, I would normally stay up until two. Like, when we used to do it when I was working nights, I wouldn't sleep, and I would sleep all day, but I can't do that anymore, so. Can't do that.

You're a married man. You're a married man. She comes up on Friday. She does your life. laundry, smacks your room. I didn't do my laundry. I like it. You, shit, you savage.

You guys sit together over here, naked eating grapes. You just drunk. You said that in front of your wife yesterday. So what? You still haven't gotten your fucking robe yet? I'm not going to get a robe. You sit out there like a... My dad had a robe.

I can't do it. You sit out there like a fucking strew. How do you eat your cheese and crackers? I don't... Who eats cheese and crackers? I don't fucking know. What do you eat out there when you're watching TV? I don't know.

Whatever we... I don't... Not cheese and crackers. I don't cater the event. What do you have for snacks? After you give her the high, hard one, you tell her you love her. You're sitting on the couch watching the movie. What the fuck do you do?

I don't know. She likes yogurt and cantalope. I get her that every week. We got ice cream the other day. I don't know, nothing too crazy. You don't feed like little grapes in the mouth and shit. Remember my little helmet and put them in the mouth and shit, your little pig eat that. Somehow I don't think she liked that.

Let me tell you some. I'm happy. I'm fucking really. happy I'm out of those Gumi Bess. Yeah. Like I ate fucking a ton of them. There was one point, I think it was Thursday, I was so fucked up

the daytime off those ass gumi bes. Los Humber, what is it? Those Gumi's Marlos. Gommis are Milos. Those guys do not fuck around. I don't know what they got. They left a machine here with potting it and fucking carbine monoxide.

And they were filling it up, I'm like those guys, like, because I was looking at it. I was looking at it. I was looking at you. I was like, he's never going to fill that. They had like a whole system. They were injecting it with hash, and I'm like, they don't fuck around.

Joey's never going to do that. No, I don't. Listen, I can't. Once I got to start taking it out and putting it on shit, that's where the party ends. I don't have the aptitude. You know,

people always give me oil to take this and put you, that's a fucking mess. You get all over your fingers, all over your paperwork. I don't like that shit on my table. I don't even like a bunk. That's this little pipe they made me. Yeah.

And I always tips over. Always fucking tips over. So I got little granules of marijuana all over the fucking house. I can't have it. I don't like it. Can't have it. But I saw your daughter again yesterday.

And she, for people who don't know, you taught her a little trick. And you talked about it, like Unbissito or whatever. Yeah, that means a kiss, yeah. And your wife did it to me like four times. And she started grabbing my finger. And she's getting really cute. It's a sweet kid. I'm very fortunate that.

My wife is sweet. And the sweetness rolls down. I could get nothing from me but being a fucking cock-so-old. Yeah, she does. You were doing this thing this other week where she was like a little bit, Like your wife went to the bathroom And you started doing this like drum solo for her And yesterday you just started like

She came in and did like this flying kiss to you like 18 times Oh yeah we fuck around I got her on the program You gotta have a kid around They gotta give you some satisfaction somewhere along the last She's never gonna like I mean she'll see you get mad But like she'll never like people like

Will see her and be like Oh Joey Diaz is your father is he crazy And she'll be like what? He plays drums and we watch SpongeBob And he kisses me He's a cute guy He's a teddy bear She knows I'm out of my fucking mind

That's what they like. They like that. You know, anybody could be normal around the kid, but when they think you're out of your fucking tits, they go fucking nuts. Kids love it. You know, when I was a kid, and I hung out with people who I knew were crazy.

I loved it. Yeah. I loved it. They're not like normal people. There's people that want to be normal. There's people that fucking crazy. People who don't like kids piss me out. Like that guy last night,

who kept telling you to move the kid, he just didn't want a little baby near him. I was like, fuck you. I don't even know why my wife even read. I don't even talk. When those dumb motherfuckers say something at those coffee, I don't even fucking say nothing. I just keep the fuck.

I just shut the fuck up. It's amazing. How many people always got to stick that two cents in? You know, and there's so many people, first off, I'm deaf. Yeah. So, listen, 50% of the time, I don't know what the fuck you talk to me.

If you end up in my face and you talk, hey, oh, whoa, yeah, whatever. Get the fuck out of it. If your dad was talking to somebody on the phone at the farmer's market, I couldn't understand a word they were saying. We had a 20-minute conversation. I just kept me asking them to do that. I don't know what the fuck.

fuck he's thinking right now. I don't know what the fuck, you know, I don't understand. You know, I'm high 65 fucking percent of the time, deep high. That's a lead. It's a low... I don't know what I'm talking. You know how many times I see people like, dog, I see you the other day. And he didn't say nothing.

Dog, I didn't even know what was fucking you. I didn't even know it was you. To be honest, if you don't come over and say, I don't even give a fuck. I'm sitting there trying to write a joke or trying to write a book or whatever the fuck we're trying to do. Yeah. And that, you know, that place. What bothered me was there was nobody there.

It was nobody there. It was like 7 o'clock at night. We go over and he's like, hey, somebody might smoke a cigarette. Shut the fuck out. Shut the fuck out. Then my wife was doing it. Well, it's okay. Why do he even talk to him?

Just wave and smile and they'll go the fuck away. They know. Once you wave and give them that look, they won't fucking say nothing to you, man. I do it all the time. I don't know what the fuck. I swear to God. You think I'm kidding. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about,

especially around me half the time. I just give them some different answer. They look at me like, what the fuck do he say? Really? Yeah, I don't know what the fuck people want half the time. I don't even know what the fuck they're saying. You think I'm kidding you. I don't know.

There's times people say, I don't know what the fuck they're saying. I just sit there and smile. Because what am I going to do? And then I've got to get them all started. Let me tell you what happened in a day. Okay. Wednesday or Thursday morning. I almost killed my wife and the fucking baby.

Why? Because I took the baby to the park. Okay. I took her on the swing. Right. And we're playing on the swing. I take her off the swing. And we go watch the people play tennis.

and I walk around with it. Then I always put it back on the swing. For some reason, she's not crying. She was hungry, maybe a diaper. I took her out, and while I was pushing her, a black lady, who was very sweet when her daughter walks past me. And she goes, oh, the baby's crying, look, and as I'm walking back with her, well, that lady, me stopping,

it's agitated my daughter even more. Oh, really? All right. She just wanted to get home? Yeah, she just wants to get home. I'm walking, and the lady catches up to me after she drops off her kid. She's like, maybe I can help. I go, no, not really.

Let me take her out. She goes, well, maybe take her, I check her diaper. I checked the diaper. I tried to give her the bottle. She was just physically upset. This fucking lady's like, let me grab. I go, listen, lady. I know my daughter.

Forget about it. Let me fucking do this. No, no, no, I'm a mom. I go, listen, lady. Just give me five minutes. This lady keeps talking to me. This baby's screaming at my fucking ear. Finally, I just walk away from the lady.

I put the lady back in the car seat. And I'm crossing by the fire department. There are people by the fire department. They're like, hey, what's going on the bag? She's just having a bad moment. and one guy knows me, he comes to the comedy shows. I left. I walk up, as I'm ready across the street, this kid's still fucking crying. I'm losing my mind.

I take her out of the car seat, and I'm pushing the carriage, and I'm just walking with her. Yeah. I'm trying to calm it down. But the black lady and people asking questions, finally we get to this thing, and I see this fucking guy with a hat, with a girl, a little girl. And he walks up and he's like, is he a baby okay?

And I look at him, by this point, I'm ready to shoot myself in the fucking head. But everybody's got to be a good fucking Samaritan. And so, I'm going to say, is a baby okay? I look at him, I go, yeah, she's just having a little. situation. This motherfucker starts going into father knows best. You know, I have a little baby girl at the house. Maybe you should

take a rock and I look at him and I go, mind your fucking business. I just kept walking. He was in front of his daughter because everybody always got to fucking say something. Don't say fucking nothing. When your kid's crying and you're fucking, it's like people when, it's like the idea I went to eat at somebody's house and the baby was crying and I'm like, we got to

go. And this guy goes into a fucking story. The baby's crying. Conversations over. What the fuck? you talk? It's like when I see my wife and she's on the phone with her mother and the baby starts crying. They're still talking through it. I'm like, no, put the fucking phone down. Because if I'm on the other side, that baby's crying,

I'm hanging the fuck up on it. I can't hear. I don't want to hear no baby fucking crying a fucking cell phone. You can hear it in the background, like, you know, fuck that shit. Same way. You know, nobody wants to hear a fucking baby cry. Keep fucking walking. Why would you stop me when I'm holding the baby? She's going into a tantrum and all of a sudden

you want to be fucking Mark as well be. All of a sudden you want to be. And he's asking me these dumb fucking questions, I mean, dumb fucking questions about, uh, did, did she get vaccinated? Like, like shit like that. Like, hey, what the fuck? Baby's crying. What the fuck? Go the fuck away.

Do you think, if you had a baby, you dumb fuck, and your baby's crying, do you want somebody fucking playing Jeopardy asking you fucking questions? I mean, that's, that's probably a point of it. You know, everybody's over those got, just mind your fucking business. What are you bothering me for? Where's Tony Bennett this morning? It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get out there.

Write your goals. Drink some orange juice. If you want to do something, it starts today, motherfuckers. Today is when the dream starts all over again. Maybe you didn't fucking do something last week. Maybe you had a bad week. Maybe you weren't focused.

It starts today. What's happened, Lisa, yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. There you go. Now we're talking. When? You should pay someone.

want to follow you around to just play the song whenever you start getting upset like whenever someone was asking you why your baby's crying just I want to be around can calm down I get upset did you eat a pretzel you? No I didn't I'll eat them during the show or I said

Why are you talking over to all you back? Why are you asking questions? I didn't ask you the questions yeah, smoke to a rape for Coxson that's all you need to do what's the last time you smoked some good fucking high quality grass About 14 minutes ago. I'm not over to smoke some more, I'm gonna'all.

I want to smoke some more, I'm gonna'all. Oh, shit, we... For people who are... I'm not gonna put my face in under fire, is so... Are you crazy? ...and what to burn his finger. For people who don't know, Joey smokes the joints until, like beyond roaches and he doesn't use a roach clip or anything

which is fine but then he gives it to me when it's all dead and he tries to get me to put my face next to fire with him like that's gonna turn out well I try to get my flame in your nose air you on fire do on fire you want fat man alert fat man alert and shit I lost fucking four pounds that's great yeah I'm three oh four and a half or something

that's awesome is it jiu jihitsu do you think I went to two jihisos and I did a three or four epileptical last week, 40-minute sessions. Nice. I stuck, you know, I, I love fucking my weight. I like counting the points. It's easier for me in my head, you know.

I did some protein shakes. Instead of meals. You know, it's little things. Plus, I'm not flying. That water I'm retaining it. That's why I don't even have my wedding band. Why? Because it flies the fuck off.

Oh, really? Yeah. It flies off. My finger. When I don't fly all those weeks? Oh, you get a... fly, you retain a bunch of fucking water. Really?

When I fly, my ankles get fat. Like, that's why when I exercise, I walk every hour on the plane. Oh, I didn't know that. You gotta do all that shit. You don't want your... That's bad for your circulation. You know, there's radiation of those fucking flights.

I didn't know that. Why do you believe that? Like, why do you choose to believe, like, the radiation and walking? The radiation, don't buy. I don't give a fuck about the radiation. It's the circulation up in the air. Your ankles get fat.

When you're heavy, it's not... That's why. I know what heavy people go through when they fly. It's very fucking hard, you know, on your body. It's very hard on a noble person when you fly. We just don't notice it. That's why I don't plan nothing after I fly. Fuck that shit.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to do dick. I've never noticed that. I'll have to look and see you next time I'm going to fly. Especially on those long coast-to-coast flights. You've got to be prepared for those. You got to drink dehydrate, drink a lot of water. Yeah.

You know, maybe I take a little heart medication to thin out my blood up there. Maybe there's a thousand things I do. I get up every, you know, 25 minutes, every 30 minutes, if it's a long flight and walk around. I stand in front of the cabin, fuck around my legs a little bit. Fuck, yeah, rub some circulation in your leg. You got to drink a lot of, that's why you can't drink alcohol on a flight. You got to be careful on fucking flights, man, you know? Especially when I fly every week, when I have like a six-week roll or something.

And you have a couple long ones coming up. Oh, man, I fucking fly, you know. I'm going straight. I'm going straight to like September 18th or something. Yeah, even later because we got Portland Like the last week of September But I'm going straight like seven weeks in a row Or something like that

Having like a Debt Squad convention A bunch of people meeting Yeah September 5th I'm out of fucking town Oh, that sucks I don't come back till that Sunday or something like that Yeah, so we're out We're gone dog

Hey, you know, we're working What are you going to do? I got time with if I want to jump up and then I got a hat with a fucking propeller on it And get a skateboard And go up and down channeling, wave at people I ain't got that type of time You know what I'm saying?

I got that type of time, Lee. You got to fucking, you know, you got to work. Absolutely. I was watching something then. I wanted to know what you thought about it. We talked about sports every once in a while. And do you know who Clay Matthews is? He's like a really big linebacker for the hackers.

He used to, yeah, the blonde guy. Yeah, yeah. And he was sitting there having this interview with this lady reporter. And I was thinking, like, he was like being all articulate and talking about what he had, what they have to do for the upcoming season. And I was like, why do people, he's a monster. They were showing him working out and him hitting people and I'm like,

he's a monster. And like, why do people want him to do that and then also come off the field and be able to be articulate and not say things to piss people off? Like, why can't he just be like a fucking monster that he is and tackle people and then be that off? Like, why does it have to be both

like the same thing? Like for you? Like they expect comics to make people laugh but then if you say something weird like something that people find offensive, they get all mad and they want you fired. It just, it doesn't, they can't have, they want both. It pisses me off. Well, listen, man, people's expectation of the thing,

when you go and you play sports or something like that for a professional organization, you have to sign contracts. Like, UFC fighters, have to sign contracts for conduct. Conduct off the fucking field. That's big in the NFL, that's big of the NBA, that's big in all those things. I mean, you don't want a guy coming out,

you motherfuckers. Next Sunday, I'm going to kill all you. I'm going to take your spine. out and shut up your head. I love it. A lot of people, pretend it becomes professional wrestling. Yeah.

You know, and the sport becomes professional wrestling. I knew one thing about comedy that as a comic, if you judge me on my stage persona, whatever the fuck, which I really don't have a stage persona, it's all the same with me.

I don't give a fuck. You wouldn't like me. But if you got to see my world, you'd maybe think I was okay. And I feel like that about a lot of comics, a lot of people in sports that that's why I love Mad Flavors world. That's why Matt Flavors World worked

because it showed my week from during the week, something I wanted people to see. You know, there's a big Miss Norman and I'm out every week doing it. I don't know, but that's been since day one but what people's thoughts are of you, what their illusion is of you. For years, even when I was doing blow,

I wasn't doing blow in the daytime. I was at home watching TV, playing with the cats, you know, whatever. But people have these illusions of you. In the NFL, Clay Matthew's an intelligent guy. Oh, no, he is. You know, he's a, what do you want to come out and talk like a fucking dummy? I don't want him to talk like that, but I don't, like, I don't like when, I don't like it that if they, if they talk, if they're like that they're, like, it's required now. Like, like people come out and they, they have to talk like they're, like a, like a professor, but then they can go on the field and go kill people.

Fuck, you know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck about Clay Matthews and that's bullshit. What do I give a fuck? What do I give a fuck? I'm saying. It's over. You know, I'm excited about football season to a degree because now there's something to do for people on Sundays.

Yeah. Well, not for you. You're not going to watch. No, I want 10 seconds. I give a fuck about Clay Matthews and what he's got to say off the field. That's my point, though, yeah. What's your point? And who cares what he has to say?

Yeah, I don't give a fuck. Let him go play football. Yeah, go play football and tackle people and bite him in the fucking neck. You know what's going to do with me. It's funny how I was watching some. something about three or four weeks ago when they said something on it that uh just fucked my mind up they were talking about pain uh how a lot of people you don't really know what pain does to you you know you always it's like when uh you go work out you know i was talking about a month ago

he was saying that you know he likes this crossfit stuff and uh a lot of people don't like working out you don't like working it you just think it's boring or whatever i don't like the feeling the next day and uh but for me working out does something different you know for everybody it does something different you know I would love to be skinny from working out but for me it breaks down a joke in my mind it just gives me an hour to myself

you know it's and that's why I tell people exercise this that's why when I exercise I don't want to talk to nobody I don't know exercise partners it's my hour I don't even want my cell phone on me I don't take my cell phone into jit-to I don't take myself into kickbox and I don't take my cell phone into the YMCA. It's my fucking hour.

It's my hour to digest the bullshit that goes into your fucking ear. Because a lot of bullshit goes into you. Let me think about it. You know what I'm saying? Like when somebody comes to you and says,

I have an idea, and this is the time. This is my hour. For some people, you know, I know jujitsu is fucking hard. Jiu Jitsu is hard when you're 25. I'm dying when I'm in there at 50, but I know there's a result.

I know there's a result. So they always say that the big expression in this country is no pain, no gain. You know, but then there's different pain. That's the pain of frustration of death of somebody dying. But in this statement, he said that you took pain and you used it to get to the next level. And pain always does make you go to the next fucking level. You know, I was very frustrated last week.

There was a couple days, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I was fucking, my inner dialogue was frustrated. Any reason? I'm not writing. I was looking for that program to write the book. You know, my toll was broken. I couldn't work out for the ability. You know, for three weeks I drove to Marina Del Rey to get a needle in my knee.

Yeah. To make my knee feel better, and now I break my fucking toe. So do you understand me? You know, I wasn't going to Jiu-Jitsu. When I do go to Jiu-Jitsu, my breathing's off. And it's funny. Yesterday, I knew I was going to go to the open mat yesterday from one to two. And Saturday night, Stephen Kepling, one of the guests we had on the podcast, sent out on e-mail.

Speaking about breathing and how important it is. The problems are beginning Jiu-Jitsu because you go into stress. You stress out because you can't breathe. So you go into breath-depth. And now you're all breath and you're not breathing. You're catching up and you're going to tap out because you can't catch up. And that's what was my problem. So I always do this thing.

He talks about not hyper-extending, but going into a state of hyper-activating your lungs. Like, well, you can't breathe, and you're almost to a sense of passing out. Then it becomes easy. doing that for weeks. Okay. I just get on my back and shrimp row until I can't breathe no more until I see stars.

And I walk around, like I'm going to walk through the door to leave because that's the pain I'm getting. But once I go through that, I know that the rest of the hour is easy. You know what I'm saying? Like I know that the other hour is easy, but that's not the point.

The point of this was sometimes you go through something. You don't think you deserve it. Whether it's a death, you know, I got stronger in so many fucking ways. I got stronger. After my mother died, I got stronger.

After I didn't make it to the basketball team when they cut me and I had to make a decision that basketball wasn't going to be my future anymore. You get stronger when you get disappointment. And it makes you a little focus sometimes, you know, and you need that. And people think that it's the end of the world. It's not. Sometimes when you're having your roughest fucking week, there's a cloud to this. You're just going through a cloud.

And that cloud's going to pass. The sunlight's going to meet them. You're going to be that much fucking stronger. You know, every time I go on stage and I bomb, it's bad fucking news. but I become stronger because of the pain and the embarrassment that you fucking go through

on the ride home you're like what the fuck just happened you know what just happened I went up there too cocky I didn't do this joke in the beginning I giggled in the beginning I did this

and all of a sudden you learned from it so some people they get very disappointed I like to pick up my balls two days later and go I'm happy this happened you know

the biggest strength I got was when I got divorced the biggest strength I got was when I walked away from Jacqueline knowing that I was going to have this pain, but I was going to make this pain work for me.

I was going to go and do comedy. I'm not going to come back until I do something with my life. And I'll suffer in the meantime of not having contact or not living in Boulder with my daughter, but the pain will drive me to become a better person, which it did. Sometimes I blame me being a loser for staying here and continually doing comedy.

No, it was a pain of going back. You know, I always joke around that. You know, I had nowhere to go. So I stayed here in town and did spots, and today we're here fucking around and I'm an established comedian and I'm good at what I do because I stuck with it

but I stuck with it because the pain are going back so pain is good that was the topic it's funny because so I got an email last week I always got a ton of emails I got great emails

and I get a lot of emails hey what's up but you're not high by 2 o'clock but I also get emails about people going through pain and I always tell them whatever you're going through bro it's going to make you three times stronger

and you're going to see the playing field that much more clear because you went through this fucking pain. Yeah. You know, so just work with it. Just work with it. I'm walking with this fucking pain in my toe. It's not pain.

It's general pain. It's not the pain you go through from getting dumped. Or from loving somebody. And they say, they don't want to spend their life with you. We've all gone through that, you know, and it makes you tougher. You know, I was done with pussy in the sixth grade after it. I got left back, you know what I'm saying?

But still, it's so weird how I get a lot of email. Man, it fucking kills me. I wish a politician can't help what's going on with America today and what goes on when you're 20. And when you're 22, the confusion that goes on. Nobody can help you, but fucking you. You know, we talk about your student loans and colleges and jobs. And I'm going to tell you something, guys, you know,

just because your job ain't working for you today, it doesn't mean that that's the job you got to stick it out with. It's a job, which means you to keep moving until you find what you want to do. Do you know I did everything? Right? You know I did everything. Yeah.

From bartending to roofing to, I must have been a manager trainee at 80 fucking different organizations. From lumber yards to shoes to to what's the foot locker. You know what was a manager trainee, a foot locker? Yeah, at the mall that you

were stolen credit cards. At the ballroom stolen credit cards. So, you know, people get the scariest. Oh, man, I hate my fucking job. Dog, I had 95. fucking job. I was worse than Lee. If something pissed me off, I was in that fucking, I was in that one ads the next day. And I know how to get a job. I'm like you. We know how to get a job. Get in there. Send a fucking call, email, get yourself in front of the people. Get in there talk.

And hopefully you go for three of those. You'll get one of them. That's it. That's all interviews are. And it's really, it's starting to, uh, my, it's a little bit different because people think I leave jobs. I'm not leaving it just shows any. Job ends. But, well, no, no, but it is it. I have quit a couple jobs, but I'm starting to realize what I went to school for isn't really what I want to do. And it kind of is because I'm doing some of that stuff. You wouldn't have to fucking country. You would have to fucking country, but they owe student loans and now they're stuck.

Yeah. And that's the beginning of fucking enough healthy living. Like right there, as soon as you're fucking getting to a hole, that's it. Yeah. You get into a hole emotionally, physically. You're like, well, that's my job. I can't quit. I owe mortgage.

I got to take that boss's bullshit because what I'm how who's going to feed my kids, you know? And that's the beginning of fucking death. But people tell you all the time, there's no jobs out there. There's fucking jobs. You've got to create your own position. Yeah.

You know, you create a fucking different position every two weeks. You're always doing something here. We're doing something there. You know, it's just an amazing fucking thing. So, you know, if you have a bad job, just doing one fucking thing. Somebody sent me an email that, you know,

you hit it right in the head when you said if you have a dream, it makes your job go by easier. It really does. If you have a dream, you're like, fuck, sucking this. guy's asshole for $8. It ain't as bad as it is because of the year I'll be a country as Western

singing. I'll be living in Nashville. Do you know what I'm saying? So when you dig a trench, you're like, fuck it, this is just temporary. Yeah. I'm only doing this today. Tomorrow I'm going to be living my fucking dream. And that makes a job go by easier.

I didn't have a dream of being a comedian. I just had a dream of, I didn't have to work. Yeah. You know, that was the dream I want. You got to be careful what you dream for. I have anxiety. It gives me anxiety sitting around all fucking days. sometimes writing jokes and babysitting

that I should be doing something I should be building a house or working at a fucking library giving out books or something like that but it's really weird the things that we think are painting air so we can just move on and you're the king of it I've never seen somebody

who doesn't take no shit I when I first came out here I did and I just these jobs and not just not just this industry but from the one I'm going through it's his industry when you start out of anything

you take more shit than you should and I'm starting to realize that I It's not worth it For like for me to be happy It's worth more than a little bit of money every week So I'd rather make a third of what A third less And like by taking unemployment or whatever

Than having to deal with the bullshit That I'm going through sometimes So but you have to make a decision I mean some of the nicest things people have said to me Because I met this one guy I think it was either Embraea or Irvine when you did it and he said I work at a warehouse and he lifts boxes

for like 12 hours a day he said I listen to it all day every day and I'm like that like sometimes you just have to go through it and like push through it and like to know that like people listen to this when they're working their shitty jobs I mean it feels awesome like he worked

like I couldn't imagine working in a warehouse for an hour like it like I couldn't do it like just lifting boxes all day every day I did it I loved it you loved it? I loved it I loved it I loved But I did it correctly. I was a stock clerk at a Mazbac Century Hardware Warehouse.

Okay. Where they send out a hardware, you know, different stores. You know, this is not now. I don't even think they exist now. But I remember they used to have chains, like chains, like dog chains, with big, thick chains. Yeah. And they come in a box.

Okay. And you had to carry those things, and people hated doing the chains. I love doing the chains. When I was 18, when I was in high school, I'd go in there to do chains. And I was the type of person that always created my own jobs. I hate fucking something telling me what to do You give me a job, Lee

Like your assistant You give me a job There's days I'll come out And I'll move that thing Sweep it Take all the books out Put them an alphabetical order I'm one of those idiots

Because I know it kills eight hours Yeah I know that if I'm stoned It really doesn't matter What I'm doing When you're stoned It makes the time Go by that much easier

When you smoke a joint You go into it But see now Everybody's getting piss tested At these fucking jobs Yeah But those shitty jobs Aren't shitty

when you take two hits off a fucking bung go in there in your car and go, what the fuck. I got to load boxes. You put an iPod on or a walkman. I put a walkman on for years. And I did whatever job day. I loaded trucks. I worked in a warehouse.

I remember after we robbed Michael's Jewelis. Yeah. Stinky and a bunch of guys we hit out. And I came back and I had money, Lee. I had about, you know, $10,000. When you're 18, that's a fucking half a million. dollars. Yeah.

But people always said, even if you have money, you have to keep a job. So I took this fucking job, Lee, down in Edgewater. You ever see, what's the movie with Stallone

and De Niro where they're all cops, Copland. Oh, okay. Where they filmed it, that's called Edgewater, New Jersey. Okay, an H&B diner.

There's that post office there. There's the liquor store where they used to drink at. And my friend Fernie, Barsasasuto, had a diner called B&B Diner. Furny was a crazy

motherfucker. Half Cuban, half Puerto Rican, big motherfucker. I didn't say much. Wore thick glasses, partied with the best of them. That was the first person I met that.

You don't have to look like a rock star to party. Like you see people that, oh my God, I just partied out and they have that look. Yeah. This guy looked like a nerd, but he fucking snorted.

He did heroin. He would do three hits of acid. I mean, Fernie used to blow my mind. And I miss him today, and I love him daily today. And I see his brother on Fernie won't talk to me. Oh, I won't?

Nah, because we lost a bunch of money in gambling. Oh, he was the one who lost... He used to hit the 60,000. Yeah. So, till this day, the underlying thing was I left him there with the holding out to the bag. It was his money. He blew it. Yeah.

I owed the guy $8,000. I left. He paid the $60. Fuck him. Fuck him. You know, what does he want from me? So, and it hurt me. It hurt me that me and Fernie had not tied him on.

I heard things about him years later. He was hooked on heroin and he got all fucked up. That gambling thing really did fuck him up. and fucked up for life. What was I talking about? About... Oh, so... I get back on the lab,

and Fernie asked me a liver. So I moved down to his basement. His mother had followed on the third floor with a hot teacher, lived on the second floor. We live in the fucking basement. And about a week later, you know, I'm out every night

and somebody says, you gotta get a fucking job because they're watching. You know, people are watching. You got back, got to get a job. So I got a job in a fucking warehouse that shipped out,

you know, when you see potato chips, and Ralph's or the supermarket, the racks. Oh, okay. The racks. All those metal racks come from somewhere. It's a union shop and Edgewater, New Jersey. And they had everything. They made them from A to Z.

They made them, and then they painted them, and they got them ready for Entemans' cakes or hostess Twinkies, whatever the fuck it was, then you ship them out to the supermarkets. So Fernie's father got me a job working in this. You ready for this? It was fucking five in the morning. Uh-oh.

Till like three in the afternoon. Yeah. It was like five to fucking three. It was union. At the time, it was 1982. It was six, 80 an hour. Ooh. And then after 90 days, you went for like $15 an hour.

Okay. But we got the job in October, which means we had to be in a car in front of Fernie's house at 420 in the fucking morning, 425. Do you have any idea what that's like when you're 18 years old? When you just got out of high school, that's the first winter after high school. Yeah.

Like that was the first winter. After fucking high school, and we'd get in the car, and Fernie at 4.30 would already be hitting Blackberry Branden because he had to be at his father's by 5 to start cooking the food because people come in for breakfast at 5.36. So Fernie worked on his father's, and me and Glenconti, Stinky, worked up at that warehouse. It was nothing.

We made no fucking, you know, we spent our money on the tab. We basically paid the tab at the diner that. We ate lunch and breakfast. So we'd get there with Fernie. We need breakfast. but on the tab and then we leave and come back for lunch

eat on the tab at the end of the week when we get paid and for any of we give us a ride home because you know $5 an hour after taxes

is nothing yeah it's like 200 fucking bucks that was our time yeah that was your one and I remember sitting in that car

being fucking hung over from the night before freezing you don't want it is to get in a car in fucking December in Jersey or Boston

or New York or upstate you're fucking freezing in the morning you're shivering you're in the fucking back and you're thinking about you're not going to this job

no more. I mean, I know all about that man. We did that job and we almost killed somebody. What? We almost killed somebody in that fucking warehouse by mistake.

Because they liked this. So we worked under this black guy. We worked under this skinny, cool, slick black dude. You know, one of those older black. So we were maybe 18. This guy was maybe 50. Yeah.

But he was a bad, slick motherfucker. You know what I'm on you? And at lunchtime, he was sending us for a bottle of whiskey, and Blackberry Brandy and he would drink it he'd be like

fucking drinking little sips so one day you know the boxes the metal things coming boxes so me and Glenn I mean this is how easy this job

but sometimes we'd go there at five and we'd set up the boxes and we'd set them up like football yeah so we put six guys in front we'd get two tackles

and we play one-on-one football with those guys blocking the boxes so we would move the boxes and shit crazy shit. That's how bored we were. In the middle of the winter,

we go outside at 7 in the morning and set up the boxes, put gloves on, and we make believe we were running backs and he'd have to tackle me, and I'd tackle him. I mean, that's how much they liked this. But the one fucking day, I'll never forget this is this guy.

He says, you guys, we got to stock up like 200 motherfucking boxes. I'm like, all right, and this guy was a great guy. I forget what his name is. If he's dead, God bless his son because he was very good to us. So he got on the bottom.

We had to get, like, every warehouse has like a little floor, like a little opening, like a second, third floor. Yeah. So he's like, what you guys are going to do is you're going to send the boxes down to me. Okay. So what we're going to do is I'm going to throw them. You pick up the boxes over your head and you just go like that very lightly, and it goes down and he would catch him.

That's how long he was doing. He'd stack them, boom. And he'd stack him. So we got to us, we and Glenn Conti, we were just sending them. Was there stuff in the boxes or were they empty? No, empty flat. They're empty flat. Okay.

They're not even being built yet. They're empty and flat. So me and Glenn are giving them. the fucking box. We're sending them down. Picking them up. Picking them up. Picking them up. Picking up. The whole thing.

This goes on for 40 minutes. I mean, this old guy don't stop. We're doing it. Finally, I pick one up. It's windy. It's windy behind me. I can feel the wind blown right off the Hudson. I take the fucking thing and I just whip it down and I see him look up.

And also I see the wind take the box and he loses it. He loses it in the sunlight like like a fucking outfield. He lost the to the sunlight. And I see him like stepping back. Like it's coming out of him. And it picks up momentum from the fucking thing.

And it's going. It's going. It's shooting. You know, like when you see a rocket headed tomorrow, like to the United States to the world, like it just shoots down. And all of a sudden you see him, and it just fucking clocked it right with the bridge of the nose.

You heard like, and he went down. There was blood everywhere. Fucking bleeding from his head, his nose. I mean, we almost killed him. We didn't come back after that. You didn't come back after that?

We stayed for like three. We didn't even make the union. Didn't even make the fucking union. It's tough to make five bucks an hour when you can steal for a living. We're living five bucks an hour and insurance in 90 days. I'm over here selling Kuehludes making a fucking real

living, you know what I'm saying? What's happening, you beautiful motherfucking cock's up. Get up. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Make yourself that promise. It's going to be a fucking great week. You'll make it happen.

And that's it. That's the best of fucking things you can do, Lisa. Yeah? Absolutely. I'll tell you what I also been doing. I said Friday, you know what? You people think, like, we're here fucking talking shit to you people, but I try to help you guys as much as I can.

I try to give you whatever I got. If I don't like something, I tell you all the time, I like this fucking shroom tech. Oh, yeah. I like it. And then Einstein told me it gives you, those shroom caps give you a lot more red blood cells. Okay.

That's why you feel so much better. That's why you feel like. I couldn't lie to you. 10 o'clock, I was still fucking away from those things. The Shroom Tech Sport, if you take them before, like I took him before Jiu-Jitsu. I had to go to Jiu-Jitsu at 1. I take him an hour before, 12, with 10 o'clock, and it's still feeling my body. Really?

I could still feed that upper high. Dog, I ate a bunch of pretzels in front of it. Yeah. I wasn't done. And I ate a Cheebo Chew yesterday, and I had a fucking gooby bear. I mean, let me get a fucking goobie bear. Let me answer. I'm in the mood to fucking get high today.

Today's a good day to get fucking stoned. It's Monday. Get it together, Cox. Oh my God. Los Ombris Malos. That's how we do it here. anti-deloris wasn't I'm all out of out you know I had like a box of

edibles in the fucking you always have a box of animals I had cheeboes I had fucking goobies I had more shit than you can control I don't want this shit at my house no I love I love getting high you know I love smoking mouth well no I would never have guessed that that's 250

who gives a fucking hate the more holy shit you can't walk out one leg and I ain't the bag of presents keep an eye on TMZ today guys fuck TFC and I had a fucking protein shape. I had forced protein shape with a banana.

Oh, you're on fire this morning. Fire and alpha blame. Add my blood pressure medication. So somebody's getting fucking stabbed in the neck to their bitches. You know what I'm saying? Oh, Jesus Christ. What's going on, Lee? That was your weekend with you?

You're in love? Yeah. I mean, we haven't said that yet, but yeah. You have been told me that. You love her? No, you said something to me last night because you always make fun of me that I'm going to move a girl in.

But you said, like, why keep an eye on a clock? and there's like it really isn't a reason but if it's like I don't know it's always tough at the beginning you feel like you love them but it's you don't want to say it

too early or anything so we haven't said that yet but it's going to tell why you're eating a monkey I love you no you're down there fucking stabbing it with your fingers it's going

and you tell I love you dirty bitch I don't think she'd respond well to that what when you're eating her monkey and you lick that fucking saying I love you you and dirty bitch

Bitch, no. You never know. They don't like it. You pull the head and you go, I love you, you dirty bitch. You look at them in the eye. You look at them all fucking cock-eyed. With that pussy breath. They love that shit.

You get pussy breath? After that. You eat some gum afterward. No, no. You go to me after that. You walk around with pussy breath and breathe on them and shit. I don't breathe on it. You don't get out.

Nothing like that to the eyebrow, just to get a wake up to the old of Captain Kirkley. You're in the crisis. You're dirty bitch. Look at you. You're in love. I'm happy for you. You know that, right? You're a good man. Thank you, buddy.

What about Ashley? You got rid of those people. No, we talk everyone until she were friends. I saw her last week, but I haven't seen her for a month before that or something. You talked to her this week? No. All week? Yeah, yeah. She got me a birthday present. What did you?

Just like a funny little desk thing, like a little... Yeah, funny little desk thing. I don't know. Shut up her fucking ass, all right? Tell her what was the blowjob when you needed it? That's what's wrong with America. They want to... Listen, I want to get the way to lick my... nuts with a fucking song on.

With the song on? Yes. What song? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know a fucking song. People always get you the wrong fucking. You know what I'm saying? All you want it was a little lick nut for your birthday, right? You wouldn't mind she'd pick up your helmet and let it up. I had my new girl on my birthday. I didn't care.

She licks your nuts, too, you filthy animal. Oh. She's going to meet you Wednesday, so I don't know why I can. She ain't coming to the show. She got homework to do. She got shit to do. She got her out on night. She got home work. She's going to law school.

She hasn't started yet. She's bubs like me and you. She doesn't start again. You don't eat that goo? No, I can't eat 250 milligrams before going to work. It's Monday, boy. Just take a little bite on the respect for Monday. I'll tell.

I'll take it when I don't have a job anymore. What job? You don't have a job. You can call this morning and say, you know what? I was looking for a job when I found that. Go fuck yourself. Have you ever done? I was talking to my girl's cousin yesterday,

and she said, because she used to work at McDonald's, and she took a little cash register. and threw her on the floor once you quit. I've never done anything like that. I would love to quit a job like that. Have you ever quit a job like that? I just go and say like, fuck this place. I went to work for this about 19, 1990,

1980-some. I met a kid in fucking deadened. Yeah. I don't know what his last name is. And the story was, I was friends of him. You know, I knew him from around. He worked at the Crestwood Hotel, the Creswood Lodge, and Snowman's Village.

And I knew him. Hey, how you doing? I knew him. You know, everybody did Coke. He hung out with friends of mine. And I left. I went back to Jersey. And I heard that.

Well, I was gone. Well, now, he was doing Coke with a chick. And he went to the back, and he came back. He accused the chick of stealing his Coke. Like, there was a line missing. So he took a shotgun, and he made the chick get naked. And he searched her until she had to line of fucking Coke. So the cops had to come, disarm him.

He did a year in jail. They called him shotgun dug. Jesus. So I never saw him. Never saw him again. So I get back to Colorado in 93 I'm doing stand-up in New York I'm living with Georgie's doing heroin

I'm all fucked up on the coke whatever But I'm gonna come back I'm gonna move back to Boulder I'm gonna be a dad I'm gonna do comedy I'm gonna be Just stay in Boulder till my comedy career takes off Okay I was fucking horrendously bad

And I moved back to fucking bowls And I get a job at Sprinkler auto sales In Longmont Colorado It's a buy here pay It's a pot lock place Where they have cars But people who are destitute Come in and they pay the fucking high price

because they need the interest. They didn't pay their water bill for 20 years. Now they can't get a cost. Now they've got to pay extra for this fucking car. And you made casually. Okay. Like in three days I made two grand. Shit.

All right, right before Christmas. So it's like December 18th, December 19th. They're having a Christmas party at Sprinkler auto sales. Okay. All right. So we're all there. Who shows up at this party? Shotgun Doug.

Shotgun Doug. Doug, what's up? Oh, shit. I haven't seen you since that. and in the conversation somewhere I go, dog, they really call you shotgun, Doug? And he goes, fuck you. He laughs and giggles at all.

So we start playing basketball, and this motherfucker, as we're playing basketball, I guess he took offense to the shotgun dog comment. Okay. So every time he would block me, he goes, I heard you went to prison too, bitch. Did you fuck black people in the ass, or he was saying that, he was saying it more.

And I couldn't believe him. And I knew this guy, I knew he was a half a tough guy, but really? It's Christmas week, and you want to fuck with me? Yeah. So we keep playing basketball. Now it's getting a little bit more physical between him, me and him. The game ends.

I give it about 15 minutes, and you know me, I call him to the back. I go, Doc, you're going to show you something. There's an alleyway. Okay. There's two alleyways, and it was a trailer. Okay. It was a trailer. It was a trailer.

It was a trailer. It stood by itself. And that inside was where the party's at. And I took him. And I go, what was that comment you made? And I went, and I smacked him. But as I got to smack him, I left my hand up there. Yeah. And I just pull everything I had to him.

I banged his head off the fucking trail like 10 times. Boom, boom, you motherfucker, you dumb me. I was crazy, that's crazy. Old man sprinkler comes out with the workers. They take me off me and they say I'm fired. Okay. Like, you're fired. I go back inside and I go, I want my fucking check within five minutes

so I'm wrecking his fucking Christmas table. And old man sprinkler turned pale. He goes, I'll call the police. I can call the police. And then I'll take the table and hit you on the fucking head with it. I want my check with five fucking minutes, because when they fire you in Colorado, they got to give you a check.

Yeah. So he had to pay me like $2,000 for those three days they worked. Yeah. And they fired me December 18th. Jesus. I didn't give a fuck, dog. I was looking for a job. At a Christmas party?

Fuck them. I don't give a fuck. That's hysterical. Another time I worked at Bill Crout Subaru, and I bought a car, they told me it was $5.00. Yeah. And when I get to my check on Saturday,

I'm waiting all week. They took like $1,300 out. Because I said of taxes and all this shit. I go, that's not what the deal. They charged me dealer handling. $2004.00. I was like, well, that was a deal. They said, well, that's the deal now.

It looks like you're a car owner. And I went to the back, and I got an axe. And I got one of the fucking Subaru's on the Saturday in front of the 20 customers. And I got on top of one of the fucking Subaru's. And I go, if I don't get my checkup, I'll start breaking fucking windshield. And I broke the one windshield,

the one guy came out. The owner who was cool as shit, he was a morbid. He's like, what's the problem, Joey? Why are you breaking windshield in front of the customers? Because they always, They took $800 out of my check. He goes, come on, I'll give me the money. He caught me $8.00.

Never since that day he called me the renegade. He used to call me the renegade. You're a fucking renegade kid out of love. You kept working there after that? He set me home for the game, $800. Set me home for the day. And he goes, come back Monday. We'll forget about the whole fucking deal.

Only you. Because the people were thieves. Yeah, yeah. See, the used card division were thieves. So when I'm up to get the bonus, that's why they charged me the DNA. They thought I wasn't going to catch it. Once I caught it, they had to give me the money back. So they swallowed them.

the fucking windshield. That came on to the used car salesman's fucking bonus. And I got my fucking money. And ever since that time, the guy called me the Renegate. You're a renegade kid. I love it. That's hysterical. I used to be a renegade when I was a kid, but I got married. The guy used to tell me all the time, I love a kid,

you're a renegade. The Renegade. They don't even make a mic, you know, mom. So back to On it, quickly, because you started on it. You love the Shum Tech sport. I love the Hemphorce Protein. You know, I like the strength. Brumbone.

I like the packs in the morning that I've been taking those. Yeah. Even Salami, I gave him one of the packages, and he says that he's been sleeping like a baby, that he's had more. Salami's 46 years old, John Salami. Yeah. He told me that the other day he was the first one on the mat, and the last one to get off, and he couldn't figure out why.

It was because of the Shroom Tech fucking sport. Awesome. Go to honor.com. There's a box. Pressing fucking church. Get 10% off. Let them get your email. Those email you with deals.

You're going to fucking love them. Whether it's the alpha brain, the hemp force, the fucking shroom tech i'll tell you what i'm hooked on all of them and for a fat fuck like me it's trying to get my jih Tzu on it's really trying to get endurance i tell you man i'm impressed with the shroom tech and that's where it ends i'm not going to break your balls anymore i'm not going to tell you what you do or what you don't have to do like i said on this show i can be a fucking whore and tell you all i get said i got i just got a thing for sponsoring luggage for a luggage company wants a pay or so i like no i like dollar shave club i like fucking

hulu and i like on it that's how it's how i throw it bitches that's it's it's it It's Monday you got to show up with fucking three guns. That's it. You got to do it. And don't forget this Wednesday. We're at the fucking ice house. I keep forgetting to tell people. This Wednesday at 8.30, we got a special guest.

Come on down. It's a fucking real podcast. We're not fucking around, no more. We're taking this podcast to the next level. Lees going to eat edible. He's going to stick a fucking goobie up his asshole. He's fucking around no more, bitches. And quickly we'll get through on it and the Dollar Shave Club.

I've been telling you about on it for months now. the two or three months. I fucking love it. It's simple as hell. If you go to JoeyD.S.net, there's a Huluplus banner. Or you could go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. You get two free weeks. Two, not one, not three, but two free fucking weeks.

Two weeks. If you don't like it after two weeks, that's it. They don't, they won't take a penny out. If you like it, bang, $7.99 a buck. That's two fucking coffees at Starbucks. We can talk to a bunch of worthless people about nothing. about plans you're never going to do. You're not going to get on the bus because you don't want to get on the fucking bus.

So stop bullshit until these people at the coffee shop. You drop $10 a week on fucking dumb coffees to drink fucking... Because you can walk into your fucking business with your little Starbucks cup on. You follow me? Because God forbid you don't have a Starbucks and you can't be a fucking sheep. Fuck that shit. That shit ends today. You're going to go to Hulu Plus.

Tell your fucking fake fucking friends to suck your dick. You're going to go to Hulu Plus. You're going to sign it. You're going to get two free weeks. Community. You're going to get fucking documentary. is that Ben Shack guy I love from San Diego.

Every week he sends me a recommendation that he got off Hulu Plus. If he's getting fucking great entertainment, so can you. Go to Huluplus.com, press Joey in the box, and that's it. You get two free fucking weeks,

not one, two, two, two, and you got a month, $7.99 a month. That's two fucking coffees. Where are you going to get that type of action? Nowhere. I thought you were shaving with the Dollar Shave Club.

I am. What time are you doing this shit out? Tonight, I couldn't, I had to get a bit early. I had to get a bit early for the time. the show, but I got the whole package in the mail, and there are a lot of stuff that irritates me. What irritates

you, Joey? Like, what's something that really pisses you off? You? That'll eat edible. With so many things that irritate you, why would you let razors add to it? That irritates me. I forgot to spray my nose just for I'm sorry, people.

Fucking, Joey boy, those. Listen, if the fucking razors don't ever take you. It irritates you when you spend money for a razor, and you either lose the razor, or the thing falls on the fucking shower. So why even go through that? So why even go fucking through that? Go to Dollar Shave Club.

Sign up. They got three different packages. Correct or not correct? One of the prices. $1, $6 and $9 a month. Bang! And then why let razors add to pissing you off? The name brand razors you're used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting those razors

until they start to look like a rusty soda can. Let it go. It's time to move on. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month. never think about it again they send a pack every month for just a few bucks $1, $6, $9,000. You don't have to go to the front desk clerk

and they give you one of those shave your fucking face skins off. Yep. Those free fucking raises. Go to Dollar Shave Club. Sign up today. I'll tell you what, it's a great deal. I'm waiting on my fucking things.

I'll tell you, once I shave with them, I'll tell you the honest of God, too. But my buddy was in on those things. Yep. And he loves it. A bunch of people. A bunch of fucking people already signed up for it. So I'm telling you, I know a lot of guys

listen to the show. You're a bad motherfucker. fucker you want to shave your dick you want to shave you want to shave you want to have all your asshole shave this is the way to go for fucking a dollar a month six dollars a month you can't lose go to the dollar shave club yeah you guys are pissing me off I'm getting on these gooey base the pretzels are hitting me and you know how that goes yeah join dollar shave club shave club dot com slash church dollar shave club dot com slash church or there's a banner at joey dyes dot yeah I want to do some shoutouts is that all right dollar shave club

fuck you man You know what? No, it's not okay. What else do you want to do? My man, Adam Asawani, Oscar Rojas, Riley's, B, Michelle, J, I love you, Joe Bridge, Roy Logan, and Damian, happy birthday, you little Irish cock sucker, whatever the fuck you all.

You know what this Thursday is? What? This Thursday's 25 years, which I got sentenced to fucking six years. Is it really? This year, this, it was 1988. So two years is 1990. 90, the fucking two is 20,

and three. years down plus two is 25 year anniversary. Fuck. So every time... What are you going to do? Go out and kidnap somebody. You know what's a long order and you're like, it's not me? Dad's been a long order on. I don't know what the fuck's going on in TNT. They're replacing it with Castle.

Okay. Usually on Saturdays they have like a marathon that comes on at one. They show you a couple of old ones and a couple Benjamin Brats and the old guy. This week they didn't have it. Not until I was up. I had the tacos Friday night. Uh-huh. After the Ice House. That was a fun show Friday night. The Ice House. I bombed up.

You did? Yeah. Or you're trying new stuff, aren't you? I was trying new stuff, trying to work it around, but I didn't really have anything. But there was a fun show. The place was fucking packed, man. I like what we do at the Ice House. I like that.

We get the support. We do it. We keep the chipping tickets of $10 for these podcasts. They don't fucking kill you. And it's just something to do. But I had a good time. I went with a girl from flappers, Sarah, Sarah dresses. Real cute girl.

She's the media girl. We went and got tacos. I turned down for the tacos. She was drunk, and she's like, Joey. I got to tell you. This is the best fucking shit that anybody's ever done for me. I go, so when she leaves Flappers,

which is in Burbank, which I'll be there Tuesday night at Flappers. Oh, cool. I'm going to show for my friend Raff. Raff, and I go to Jiu-Jitsu over at Valley Mac, and he does a show over at, he works with Jay Leno, but he does a show over at Flappers

once a month, late night, Tuesdays. So I'm going to go do 12 minutes. He interviews me. I really like that kid. Oh, cool. He fucked me up yesterday. He beat me up a little bit of that J-Jitsu. I love when they beat me up,

because I'm not good, so I like when they choke me on. Every time they choke me out, I'll learn something. I don't give a fuck. I tap. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. You think I'm going to be a jiu-jitsu store?

I go to fucking work on this gut and get my health. I was frustrated last week because I wasn't going to Jiu-Jitsu and it seemed like I was scared of my breathing. And that's what deep down inside I really wasn't. I don't like to quit shit. I got into J-Jit-to at 50 to show you guys on a podcast that you can do something at any age. You know, I sit here and I preach to you dummies

and I do dumb shit. and I saw people, but at the same time, honest to God, I love you guys, and I want you guys to, you know, fuck it.

For me to sit here, I got to walk the steps. I got to walk the steps at you. And that's why I always say that, you know, me being a part of the church, it's not what I do on the fucking podcast. It's how I live my life

off the fucking podcast. So I understood what you was talking about before with Clay Matthews. I just don't give a fuck what Claire Matthews got to say, you know, I mean, I'm not a baseball fan.

You know, I'm a baseball fan because I'm Cuban. But I'm over it, as I'm trying to say. I'm over professional baseball. I'll sit if it's a great game. I got to tell you what happened to the other day. I wanted to say, I'm going to cry. Why?

I'm going to cry. I got up the other night to piss. Yeah. And I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe, you know. One of the cats was sick, Harry. Yeah. Which I took his two teeth out.

Oh, no. Yeah, Harry's badass. But the first night he couldn't eat. So I got up and I saw him there trying to lick his teeth, and he would cry because he couldn't eat. So I stayed. up and I held them and I pet him and I was watching sports and oh my god I fucking watched the last two innings of the Cincinnati Reds against the Boston Red Sox oh that World Series

oh my god what year was that do you remember 75 oh my god fucking fucking what year was that do you remember 75 oh my god fucking Bernie carbot hits a whole oh my god oh my god oh my fucking why does that affect you so Because it's Boston, bro. It's, uh... It's, uh, it was a different time for baseball. I was a kid. Yeah. Sorry about that.

I didn't spray my noses more. My allergies are fucking killing you. But out. Just to see Bernie Carbo and to see Carl U.S. Tripsky and to see, uh, Pudge when he hit that whole run. And I love the Cincinnati Reds. I was a Cincinnati Red Maniac. But it was something bigger than baseball.

Yeah. It was something. something bigger than baseball. If you haven't watched that game, you have to sit and watch that whole game. Yeah. It was something bigger than fucking baseball. I don't know what it was.

And I sat there with Harry and then Harry. Watch the history, Cocksucker. And it was just amazing to see Joe Morgan and Concepcio and watch Pete Rose with his gambling ass and, you know, running around the bases thinking about who he bet tonight.

Yeah. I'm sitting there going. I wonder who he bet. I was really going on one and see what of the action that was that night. They ought to be like October 75. Yeah. But I watched that at the end of it. It was pretty fucking interesting. But no, I, you know, man, that I really thought about it this morning when I got up.

Last night, I thought about it like at about 9.30. Yeah. It was August 12th of the 15th when I got sentenced. And I called Bannie Tumino, who was my rumor at the time. I really want Bandy to call him to the podcast. Me and, Bannie is like 10 years older than I am, but he's from gutton. New Jersey. Okay.

And we knew a lot of the same people growing up. And I met him in Boulder. And I moved in with him off the whim. And after two months, I told him what had happened. And I kidnapped Kennella. And he was open to it. He's like, hey, bro, I got your back. Whatever you decide.

When I got locked up, he saved my room for me. He cleaned it. So I wanted him to call because we always have that conversation. He goes, Jesus Christ, you know, last time we talked, he goes, I was watching some fucking movie the other night. There you were at 3 in the morning. I was thinking about you,

being in court and getting sentenced and how bad I felt and how I couldn't help you. And look, you ended up helping yourself, you know? And I don't look at it as an accomplishment. I look at it as how I keep it close to my heart because I never want to forget it. Every morning when I wake up, that's one of the things of my laundry list. Look, this is what can happen in your life if you don't stay on top of your life. If you let life get the best of you, at that time, the Coke had gotten the best of me. I was letting the Coke.

And I'm not blaming on the fucking coke. Okay, I'm what happened. It was what happened when you had that mixture together, being crazy and secure, confused, scared, and then you had coke on it, to be young. To be young is scary enough. There's a kid who emails me every week to breast my boss, Christian Galloway, a real good kid.

And he told me this week that we should talk about when you go to move, how scared you are. Fuck yeah. And you talked about it, how when you go to make a move across the country, you're petrified. Yeah, I told you after the podcast. When I moved out here two and a half years ago, it was like four days after graduation.

I had everything I owned in a car I had just bought. And I was really excited to move out here because I'd been out here for a summer. And I drove, I made it into Connecticut. And I think it's like Highway 80 or something. And it's still one of those rural highways where there's still like trees on the side of the road and stuff. And I had to pull over.

And I called my mom and I had like a, like I didn't cry, but I had like, I started having a panic attack. Like, I looked in the back and, like, you know, when you're moving in, like, in your car is full. And I didn't have a place to live out here yet. Because, like, it's, LA is weird. Like, in Boston, they have realtors that help you find a place. They don't have that out here in L.A.

They have websites and stuff like that, but they don't have people to help you find apartments. So I was coming out here to really nowhere. I had nowhere to live. And I had planned on staying in a hotel. And I stayed in a hotel for the first week I was here. And I just took the first place I looked at. What hotel was just there? The first night...

Oh, it's fucking gross. The first night I stayed in a place. It's right down by the New Beverly Cinema. It's like this no-name kind of place. And it was fucking disgusting... It was like the grossest hotel I've ever stayed in. Like, it was... It was...

I can't even describe it. Like, there were roaches and, like, it was two beds, but, like, the lights didn't work. And, like, there wasn't sheets on one of the beds in the room. And I had to... I got out of there. I stayed... I went from there to, like, the roadway in.

and it was the one I stayed in for like the week you open the door to the hall the room was smaller than this room I would open the door and you'd see the bed and the TV was screwed to the wall so you couldn't steal it and I was there for four days

and my mom even yelled and like why don't you? Because I had people here who I knew from the job and they said why don't you stay with them like how I don't want to ask them and when I told the people where I was working one day someone asked me where I was living I'm like oh I'm staying in a hotel

until I find a place. It's like why don't you stay with me I hate it. I couldn't. I don't like, because I always feel like I'm imposing us. And I'm like, I don't want to, if you have to do it, it's fine, and I probably should have done it for like that week

because it cost me like $500. But I just, I didn't want to like be in his couch. Where was it? It's one on Beverly. No, it was down in. Oh, so you stayed in Hollywood the whole time. Yeah, like right by the New Beverly. Yeah, because I wasn't going to stay in the valley.

I don't think. I was trying to stay down there because I was working in West L.A. Um, and I just, yeah, so I, I, I, I, I, the first place I looked at, really, or first or second place, it was like eight o'clock in night. I couldn't really see anything because it was dark. It was one of those little cottages that they have from like the 20s or whatever for that the actors used to stay in. It was disgusting, it wasn't disgusting, but it was tiny and falling apart. Signed it, signed the lease that, like that night moved in and there was no, there was no heat.

There was no internet. I was just in there with the, the only thing I had in there was a bed. but on the way out here for like 20 minutes I pulled over in Connecticut I was like fuck what's what am I doing and like I got myself together and I drove the rest of the way by myself and I was fine after that

but like the whole I think from like the Boston the Massachusetts Connecticut border to like the place where I pulled over like I was like what the fuck am I doing like I didn't know anybody really I knew a couple people from the place where I worked and I was I had like

probably $4,000 saved up or something. It's scary. It's really scary when you're a young man or a young woman to pick up. You just can't even think about it. And even if it's like there's probably, there's people who probably like, you after your divorce, you moved to Seattle and you were with somebody. But like, you probably, did you know anyone in Seattle?

But no, the scary move for me, you know, those two kids that did the podcast with this, they were older cousin. Yeah. Their older cousin was a big, big level Coke dealer. Mm-hmm. Planes, Columbia did 20 years for unloading planes. And he's the one that talked me to go to Boulder. And I'm a Boulder.

He's the one that taught me to go to Aspen. That's the first time I left. This is the only fear I had with moving. So this is the only thing I could correlate, the only story I could call it. Because after that when I moved, I had so much confidence. Yeah. That I really knew the game. But the first move, when I moved with my buddy Jimmy and, you know, we were both in it together, which takes it a little slower.

You know, I don't know what his financial situation was, but I was covered for a few. months maybe. Yeah. Maybe. I had a couple grand, not much. You know, I didn't even have four grand. Yeah. But he had a brother who had a house and he had rooms available and two people had left.

So we came into a roommate situation. Like $200. So I paid rent for too much right off the bat. Yeah. So I don't have to worry about two months. Two months should give you time to get a job, time to meet new people, you know. Because after a while, it's not even going into the water ads and looking. It's getting out there and meeting people.

They're going, oh, I have a brother who owns a shoe store. he'll get your job sniffing fucking sneakers whatever the fuck it is, you know. So that's what it really is. And I remember driving and it taking the three days and we got there on a Saturday, which gives you two days to look around and breathe. Like for me, once it's Monday, it's showtime.

There's no fucking time to be drinking or fucking around. It's time together. So we got there on a Saturday, which gave us a day and a half to breathe, look at newspapers, but I was right off in it. You know, my big thing was to get a job and get it over with. That's the most important thing. Once you have that,

because it's tough to go somewhere rest for a week. And it's go, well, I'm going to just take a week off. Even if you have $10,000 fucking dollars or $20,000 or $5 million, it's tough because you want to get your life started. You want to get in the flow. You want to start taking classes or whatever the fuck you want to do. So I remember how scary it was for me. But I knew that as long as I paid rent for 60 days,

60 days you should be able to get it together. 60. If you came to me right now and said, I have nobody, and I want to stay on your couch, 60 days would be the number. 15 to get Conway in the job, put money away, save, and then you can fucking get an apartment, you know, something like that. So it's scary, but it's a beautiful time in your life because you look forward to the independence.

Yeah. You look forward and getting the fuck out of there. It always amazes me that there's two types of people. There's the people that stay in their community, which I don't get mad at. I understand it. If there's a different life, maybe I wouldn't have left New Jersey. This is a different life,

and I would have family and a mother the reason to go home and an uncle. I would have stayed in fucking New York, you know. But no, that wasn't a thing that didn't hold me, so it's time, it's always good to leave for a little while. Yeah. Even if you went back to Boston, even your roommate

who said, you know what, I came out there, I moved to North Ridge, I came and looked, I'll go back to Boston. Some people do that. And you'll talk to you. I'll say, listen, I lived out there for a while, I was different, but it was time for me to come home. And some people feel ashamed about that. I don't feel ashamed about that.

You can't like everywhere. No. You can't. There's a lot of places in this country that I think are great to visit. I wouldn't fucking live there. You know, I wouldn't fucking live there. So, you know, people make mistakes. People entitled to make mistakes.

You know, sometimes you go out, I thought, oh, can you imagine if you thought California was what you watch on TV? You come here and you show people recita. And they'll fucking die. They'll go, what the fuck is that thing? It looks like a bomb hit that fucking city. You know, it looks like a bomb hit a lot of cities in L.A. You just never see that. fucking L.A. You see the palm trees,

you see Hollywood, you see them walking out of a fucking club. You don't see the inner fucking part. You don't see the valley. The valley's like living in any way USA, which I love about the fucking valley. I didn't like the valley when I first moved here. But now I love it. I am so happy that I left New Jersey.

Yeah. Listen, man, I missed it. And I left New Jersey and it was tough to leave New Jersey. Now, who gives a fuck? But 30 years ago, you were drinking when you were 15, you were eating Kueloo, you were going to the city and not standing on. You know, you were doing shit. I had a lot. I had a lot. I had a life in New York City, or at least I thought I did.

It was a different New York. When I left, it was heartbreaking for a guy like me to leave because there was everything I had. I'm Mr. New York. You hear my voice, you hear my walk, my mannerisms. I'm a city fucking guy. You know, I'm never going to lose that. That's what I thrive on. But at that time, you know, I had it to save my life.

I had to fucking get out of it. It was to New York in 1980. New York and today, there's too much available to you at any time. You can cross that bridge into Harlem by a bazoo. You know, you could buy a bomb. You could buy whatever the fuck you want in New York City. And it's always been that way. That's just what New York is about.

Yeah. Everything is too available to you. You know, if we want, you know how hard it is for us to live on our diets in New York? You imagine if we used to work till four, I would call you sometimes with me for breakfast. Yeah. Because I'd be riding. I couldn't sleep. Did you imagine at 4 o'clock, we'd get a full steak.

Yeah. Four o'clock in New York City, you get a full fucking steak dinner with all the trimmings. you'll have a heart attack. Plus the blow, plus there's too much available to you. What do you think now with the

like, because with the internet, it's even more because you were saying, when you said you could go to Harlem and get that, I was like,

yeah, you could. But now you could go online and get like 10,000 times the amount of stuff. You know, I'm naive to what's going on the internet.

A lot of times, I know that there's Twitter and space, Facebook. and whatever the fuck, and I've sat there millions of times and said, hey man, I love to see what it would be like to sell coke on Twitter. I guarantee people are doing it.

I guarantee there's webpages that you can put an address in and so they don't drop off a bomb of fucking heroin or something. I don't know, for sure, but I know that something's got... We have all these other things available to you. I can take a picture on Instagram, and a million people can see it. Why can't I fucking... You know what I'm saying? So I don't even know what the new technologies are

for buying drugs in New York. All I know is everything's too fucking accessible to you. That's basically the fuck it, my friend. That's it, buddy. What else is going on with you? What do you got playing this week? I'm really excited for the podcast. I'm excited that we're doing it twice a month now.

You like the live podcast. It brings a different aspect of the game. It really does. I remember at first people who suggest them to me, and I watched a few Adam Carolla's, and I went to somebody else's, and I didn't like it. I didn't think I would really like it. And now I'm in love with them all,

So I like the energy, the feeling of the people in the room and the laughing and having a good time with you. So I'm looking forward to Wednesday. I hope you people can fucking make it out. At the Ice House, 626, 577, 18, whatever fuck. 1836, I don't even know what to fuck the number. Icehouse.com. Isn't IcehouseComedy.com or something like that? Icehouse Comedy.com and get tickets to $10 fucking.

Don't forget, I'm in D.C. this month and I can't wait. I haven't been in D.C. I've never done comedy in D.C. Really? Yeah. I think I did. You did all those East Coast cities and you never went to D.C.? Never went to the D.C. Improval.

I've done like Bethesda, headliners in Bethesda, and I did a club at Tyson's Corner, you know, and shit like that, but I've never really done the D.C. Improbs. I'm fucking excited. Are you going to see John Rallo? Is he going to come up? Fuck. Yeah.

John Rallo's coming up from Baltimore. I'm going to think I'm going to train with him one day. In Baltimore, fuck, him will move the beds and do a training session. Just the chance to get trained by John Rallo one time would be a fucking great thing, man. So I'm happy about that. I'm happy about the 28th. We're back at the Ice House. I'm going to have in New York City at Gotham's, the 12th, or the 13th of September.

I'll be there for San Giro and fucking Arnie Lang and go get some food with my buddies. I don't know where I'm going to stay yet. I don't know if I'm going to stay in the city. I'm going to stay in Jersey. I don't know what to... You might not stay anywhere going to be in New York. You might just stay up all night. Fuck it.

That's savage. I can't stay up for you. You know, the thought of it sounds great. I'd love to tell you guys, oh, my God, I stayed up all night. night, but fuck. My fucking 12 o'clock, I'm like Wednesday, I'm happy because

Wednesday night I do the podcast, and I'm wired, so when I come home at 11, I'll have coffee, and then I'll watch two episodes of Sons of Anarchy. Yeah? And I'm cool. I'm cool. That's your big night now? That's my big night. Wednesday, and I'm not doing the day. Tuesday, I got I got to do flappers,

so I just stay in and relax. I do the acupuncture. I take a nap. Tomorrow I'm going to Jitsu at 1230, and I'll take a good acupuncture. too. I'm upset Wednesday, I'm around, and Thursday. I'm on my way to Boston. Wait, you're going to do Jiu-Jitsu

and then go right to Dr. Amy? Right to Dr. Amy? No shower? No shower? I was going to be like, poor Dr. Amy. No, you know, be better than that. You know, be better than that. I don't go nowhere without a shower, dog. You know, before I leave J-Jitsu, I take

that T-shirt off, and I put in my bag, and I put a new t-shirt on, so there's no sweat on my seats, and I put a cover on my sweets and I spray fucking Fabriz. Yeah, I don't fuck around, though. I don't like rot my ass on my seats. I'm what are you going to do? My ass is rot. Sometimes I sit there and I like cut a fart and the fucking thing.

Oh, you were going off last night at the coffee shop. What was I doing? You farted like 18 times the last five minutes we were there. Did I? Yeah, and you just, and you like, you leaned forward and you're like, well, I have no one's behind me. I felt bad. You don't know. I was going to tell you. But see, I came, I'm jealous.

going to Boston. You're not staying for the fight. You're just doing the two shows. Just doing the two shows. And I get back on the plane. Go to San Jose for 94-9. Mixed up at fucking Mountain View with my man, Russell Peters. Felipe.

Felipe and Michael Epps and Angela Johnson. So I'm looking forward to that. It's going to be a great fucking time. This is fucking awesome. But first, Wednesday night, Ice House. Wednesday, Ice House, 830, be there. Lee, myself. We got a special guest, Riefer, fucking everything.

The trimmings. Listen, people, I'm happy you came out today and listen. I'm happy. I love you guys. You know, I love you guys with all my fucking heart. All right, don't believe the hype. I'm happy you're fucking here today. Thank you very much for listening to us today for all the shoutouts,

for the birthdays out there. If we missed anybody, you know we fucking love you, all right? Wednesday live at the Ice House. If you don't listen to it, there will not be a podcast early Wednesday, just a live one. So get your shit together. See you Thursday, bitches. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of

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