The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 08/19/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #105

Episode Date: August 19, 2013

Sal Polisi calls back into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 08/19/2013

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or just go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the dollar shave club.com banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's Monday. August something. It don't even fucking matter no more. Get up. It's a Monday.

Oh shit. You're fired up. Your balls are itchy. You got bad fucking breath. Get up. Brush your teeth in the shower. Scrub those fucking nuts. Somebody's going to sniff them today.

It's that type of fucking morning, motherfuckers. Enough is enough already. Two weeks to Labor Day. One more week to college. College football next Thursday. It's that time of the year, Lisa. I don't want to hear no fucking bullshit. I'm sucker.

Never. She got the... Hutt! Hit it, Lee. Oh, shit. I used to listen to this shit on two ludes and about 55,000 fucking grams and quirky's loud as shit. Look, get what? Stop it.

Now she's bulletproof. She keeps that pussy clean. Oh, shit. Shit. Turn that shit off, Lysayat. What's happening? Welcome to the church of what's happening. Now we're back, bitches. Lysayat and a flying fucking Jew in the house. What's happening, baby boy? I had a great weekend. I missed you, Cox. I missed you.

I wanted to rub your little head today. With your little Barnabas Collins hair doing shit. What's happened, baby? Talk to you Uncle Joey. Nothing, man. I had a great weekend, but I was thinking about something because you did a lot of comedy this weekend. And I was just, I went to see a comedy show this weekend. I forgot how much I loved it And it's just, it's, uh, it really, it's, it, you feel a lot better like when you laugh when you have a good time and like I was thinking. What would you rather do Lee?

What? What? What do you? To do comedy? Yeah, one time. Think about it, right? I don't know. There you go.

There you go. Just do it. I'd probably, I'd probably, I know, no, I don't want to do comedy. Just do it one time. I have no interest. I have no interest. Just let me stay. Or now, you teach me out of edit for one hour. And we'll go, how about that?

How about, because we were talking about that, how people think that, you know, they could do what other people do. Just try it. Just try it. Oh, man. It's going to make you so much of a better man. Listen, 20 years ago, did you not bungee jump? I'm not a bungee jumper, but I bungee because I overcame a fear. Do you follow I'm saying?

Just try it, brother. I'm not breaking your balls. I mean, you don't like farts for the face and you're scared. No one likes farts to the face. Everybody loves farts to the face. It's metal. You know, why you go? to Vietnam. You gotta bring home a medal.

Hey, thank you for digging. That was a fucking... I listened to 15th to 20 minutes of that podcast with Duncan Trussel. Yeah. And guys, I had to turn it off. Why? It fucking wired me up too much. Really? Yeah. I don't like talking about that shit.

I don't like to read that kind of... Wingo to people, but it fired me up. But I could only do this on here. Like, I wouldn't... You know what I'm saying? Like, it was just... I love Duncan, and I knew we were going to end up talking about death. You know, and how people were... respond to death and react to death.

I'm sorry. Everybody's different. You know, Bucch, oh, Bich Escobar, sends his love. Oh, great. All right, Bucch, Ascabar is a comic in San Jose. Cool, motherfucker. I met him to Webbin, San Juan, and all those guys.

He's his Mexican dude with the Simbad, the fucking sailor beard that's funny as fuck. He's just a new guy, the comic. You know, he's just getting his stripes on six or seven years, and his mom passed. Oh, that's bad. About two years ago. Oh, okay.

And you met the dad, you know? And then I remember talking and the dad was And me and Lee went up to San Jose The fuck around for a few days And we met the dad We had dinner with them like three or four times And it was funny how the dad was dating And he was happy

And he moved on with his life So Thursday when I was listening to the podcast I was out of town And I was listening to the podcast And I listened to the death stuff And it fucked with me You know, a little bit It brought me back to those feelings of

And for some reason But Chessabar's father came into my head Like, usually when a spouse dies, the other spouse dies within a year. You just get overgrief with, well, not that motherfucker. He put moose on his hair, put a nice shirt on, and he went out and started dating again. Yeah. You know, and he lived his life, and he's very involved in his community. He's, he negotiates for unions and stuff like that.

He's just a neat guy, neat fucking Spanish, dude, and he hangs out of original Joe's. When somebody hangs out of original Joe's, that's a bad gangster right there. Like, the other night we're there, and, uh, all night. I'm sitting there, and after the show in San Jose, what's his name? My agent, Justin, goes, you want to go get dinner, and I wasn't hungry, you know, but he had never gone. He said, he only had breakfast there. Oh, okay. So I said, do me a favor.

Let me go upstairs and roll a joint. I'll come back down, puff it. You know, you puff right outside the Fairmont Hotel in that little alley. Fucking cool town, San Jose, right? So I puffed the joint. We walk over to original Joe's quarter to after 12. Oh, wow. So we walk in, you know how it is, the quarter of the 12.

It's just another fucking night over there. They're just serving dinners, sinatra's on the jukebox. We sit down and we order, and also the bar to make it was last call for alcohol. So right away, I go, oh, my God, maybe Mr. Escobar is at the bar. They turn around, and within five minutes, Mr. Escobar walks this way. And we gave him a hug, he asked about Lee, you know. So that's it. That's why I was thinking about death and how people reacted.

Some people let it get overwhelmed with it, and some people go, okay, they're dead. There's nothing I could do. I missed them. I loved them. I'm going to move on with my life. I'm going to go put a nice shirt on and shave my cock and go out there and try it again. You know what I'm saying? Because that's what she want me to do.

Yeah. You know, that's what the other person would usually want you to do. That was a crazy podcast. We've done, that was the fifth one. And some of my podcast, some people try to be funny. But that one, that one was kind of like one of these podcasts, but in front of people. And it was, that was the first time I had heard Duncan since his cancer thing. so it was crazy

I love Duncan I love that Duncan's back in my life out here especially I feel like I have more family when Duncan's back in my life you know so it was it's very weird when you're around UFC fighters

they're never the type of guys to go hey man I'll break your fucking heck or whatever you know why because they're confident they don't have to talk about they're not like me they're insecure little fat fucks they're confident

that podcast is to let you know how confident we are in our comedy. We don't always have to talk about fucking comedy. We don't always have to try to be fucking cute. Nothing bothers me more when I'm trying to have a conversation with a comic and he's trying to be fucking cute. There's always a third wheel and he's trying to chime in to prove that he's funny.

When men are talking, if you're a man, you don't have to fucking prove that you're funny. Just talk to me. And how many times that we have conversations and somewhere in the line, fucking something funny comes out. Yeah. But it doesn't always have to be funny.

It always doesn't have to be funny. Stop trying. That's what a lot of people doing. That's what that podcast did the United. We weren't trying to be funny. No. We were just telling you the stories of how we handled that death. Yeah.

Now, it seems Duncan's great, so this isn't anything against Duncan. But on paper, you probably shouldn't like Duncan, it would seem. It seems like he likes a lot of stuff that you find annoying. Well, we have the both common denominator, harp. And Duncan got a lot of balls. When I first got to the store, Duncan would show up on Sundays at Open Mic Night. You know, here I was trying to work on jokes And everybody was trying to be a monologist

And Duncan would go up there with that creepy fucking doll Whatever his name was, Mr. Boo, whatever's fucking name. And he do wish you were here. But the whole thing about a stand-up that matches up with life Is that when you commit beautiful things happen. There's a lot of times I went on stage Like Saturday night in Santa Friday night in Boston was fucking amazing If you came to the Wolbert Theater Friday, I love you

If you came to the show Saturday, I fucking love you. I love people. When people go out, I love it. I love when people go out and fucking try to laugh and all this shit. The Wolvertheter was off the chain. Some motherfuckers shut up with those Rogan Dears for President's Science. I nearly lost my fucking mind. You know, Boston is Boston.

Boston's always going to be Boston. You could always count on Boston to be fucking Boston. And that's why I've been going there since I was fucking 19. You understand me? When I first met my first person from Boston, when I first saw fucking Bernie Carball tie that fucking game up, when I saw John Havichack set a pick about around three black guys and David Collins made the layup,

I understood what fucking Boston was about. I understood when I seen the Bruins fucking play hockey. I understood when you see the interviews in the Irish, when fucking they put the aunt. You know, so let's not even go to the other end of it. I just understand Boston. You know what I'm saying?

So I was walking around. First of all, we're at the hotel where the Yankees are staying. I'm upstairs stone thinking somebody's going to bomb this fucking hotel. Then number two, I'm thinking somebody, the domestic violence is going to be an all-time high in Boston.

Irish bitches are going to get beat up this weekend and Southy. The UFC is in town and fucking the New York Yankees are in town. How angry are fucking Boston people? They're pissed at the Yankees are in town. Now the UFC's in the fuel that fucking fire. How many people got bitch-slap Friday night, you're thinking Boston?

And how many people got bitch-slapsed Saturday fucking night? And a couple people got beat up last night and shit because it's Sunday, the Lord's day. That's an automatic. What's up, Leacock sucker? Nothing, man. So how you were saying, how is San Jose? San Jose is just a beautiful

a little town but we did 94-9 summer jam now I came off those two fucking blasting shows saturday Friday night for people didn't know the show ended at 12 I was in my hotel room by 10 after 12 the wake-up call was at 4 a.m. I was in a cab by 4 30 showered balls packed the whole fucking thing because I packed before I go to fucking sleep in a cab I get to the airport and I put in for upgrades when you wake up American Airlines shoot you an email and says if you got upgraded when I woke up There was no upgrade. I was pissed. I was pissed.

I was like, I might cancel this flight. Never fly American airline, no nasty motherfuckers. But guess what happened? What? When I got to the airport, I went in priority fucking lane because I got the little card. And I went in priority lane.

I pressed into the thing. And I looked at the two plane tickets. And one plane ticket was my regular seat. But the second plane, because I had to take a connecting flight was a first-class ticket. And I was like, oh, shit. Things are going to get ugly

from Dallas to San Jose, like a motherfucker and when I went to the window she goes mr. Diaz you're probably gonna get first class on this flight but they won't award it till you get to the through the security line by that time it will be official you pretty much got it though you're number three and there's three seats so by the time I got to the window they had a thing on mr. Diaz come to the desk so banged it out first class the whole fucking way whoof I love American Airlines so it was great I drank an amaretto on milk you know me like a half a fucking fact I

like I usually do. I had a little egg breakfast. I watched 42. How was it? Not bad, you know. You know, I mean, I knew it was about a black baseball player. They called nigger a thousand times, but it was great to see, you know what I'm saying?

I mean, no shit. I'm going to go there. I'm going to hear niggum on the Django. You know what the fuck? Yeah. But it was good. I enjoyed it. And that's it.

It was just a great weekend. You know, it was weird Saturday, and I ate some shit because I wasn't prepared. You know, it's amazing. I was telling Rogum, I don't go on stage prepared. And those big venues, I don't do well because I talk fast and I step on my lines.

And I'm not really a monologist. I don't write jokes like normal people, so it's kind of weird. So when I went out there, I stumbled. I went out there with a joke about breaking my toe and yoga. Okay. And it didn't really go anywhere. And I just took it dirty and they liked it,

but I could tell they were apprehensive at that time. I had to win them over. But you know what? It was a great experience for me, just being up there with Mike Gaps and Angela Johnson and fucking Russell Peters. is a great guy really everyone says that russell peter's one of those fucking guys that you're like you know i don't know he's a hend to i don't know but he's fucking smooth and cool and just uh a sweetheart

what i like about russell pet is he helps out a lot of friends of mine he helps him out listen when a big comic touches you on the shoulder and says they want to go out with you i've been going out with joe since 97 when nobody know who the fuck joe was okay it was me Joe and Chris McGuire. When nobody know who the fuck Joe was. Joe were getting to arguments at the Miami Improv with some chick. I mean, it was fucking amazing, you know, because they would see Joe Gorelli from news radio. I learned a lot.

And all of a sudden he'd show up and he'd be buck wild talking about chicks getting fucked. And they'd go, you know, where's the news radio act? And that's what I learned about what people think about you on TV. Yeah. When you're on TV, people really think that, you know. And then it was just really weird. I've known Joe. Now Joe sells out a month in advance.

it's easy to go on the road with Joe but we were fucking flying Southwest and shit meeting them to Vegas when I first started fucking around with Joe so I've seen the built. We both built our careers together and I don't mind work with them. I don't mind open up for Joe. I've learned fucking more it's a college education. I got six

college educations in comedy from the store but you know what? After seeing your eyes saying that you're really a fan of comedy Lee? Yeah. Give it a try one time just so you see that world. Where's I want to be around? It's Monday. What the fuck's going on here today? Get up, drink some coffee, take an alpha brain, do some pushups.

Do what you need to do. It's Monday. You wrote your goals, right? Absolutely. What the fuck? You've been swimming lately? I have to work all day, so I'm swimming in my mind. But I am eating better.

I'm trying that. A little something for my mom today. The ladies in the world. When somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice. as smart as I somebody

who will swear to be true What you laughing about? Somebody tweeted at me this morning to look at the comments on this video all of them were about the church and some Tony Bennett fans are getting mad because people are saying like

Momo and Cocktucker and some of them are getting mad What are you doing? What are you doing? LSD fucking tremendous that's awesome so I was talking after the show on Saturday and a lot of people always talk to me

but oh you're so lucky and I am lucky to be doing this but I was thinking about it after the show two and a half years ago before we met I applied to a Best Buy and a pizza place because I wasn't making enough money to support myself

and neither of them got back to me like I was doing that math you do where you're like all right I get paid next Friday I have 80 bucks to make it through the next week. And I'm not in a place where I can call my parents. I mean, I could, but they don't only have the money to give me. And the day I was going to, I met you,

I had to cancel an interview at a telemarketing place. And like we met and we started doing the Matt Flavor videos and he gave me like a hundred bucks a week. And that was everything because like a hundred bucks a week on taxed. It makes everything. But it was crazy to think like two and a half years later were doing this and I was telling the girl I was with and it was like

I hadn't thought about it for a while but I like I had forgotten like I was trying to be a pizza delivery guy at night after work two years ago and it's crazy how time flies and like it was it was crazy going like

because they treated me nice at the at the comedy club and they gave me a table and Tony Hinscliffe was very nice and it was a it's crazy how that happens in such a short amount of time we work hard Yeah. You know, when you're running with me, we run.

We run. When we did the video in New York, I can see there was times you were scratching the head going, what the fuck? I just want to go back to a pizza place. I don't think I want to do this. But I knew you were a tough kid. I knew that you, something about you had heart. I can tell.

You had a little bit of heart. The videos were great. You know, we went from no visibility to fucking, wow, cats. People getting insulted at Target and fucking, you know, it went something. And then we took a chance with a documentary. Listen, there's a corny thing. You know, luck is opportunity meets something, isn't it, something like that? In this case, it really, it was the same for me, Lee, two and a half years ago.

I didn't know what I was doing. You know, I had no fucking idea. I was doing a podcast. Everybody was new to a podcast. The thing is that what I want people to understand is that we took a chance. And I want you to fucking take a chance every day, man. Who gives a fuck? You fail?

Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? It's if you don't. do something when you have a fucking problem. It's when you don't fucking try that you have a problem, but you're going to fail a thousand fucking times. I'm 50. I was starting to see the way. What do you think? I was rocking and rolling 10 years

ago. But I remember starting to do comedy and selling cars. Selling fucking cars. Getting up at 7 in the morning, after you just got home at 12.30 at night, one in the morning, going home, and then I, you know, there used to be a publication.

It was made out of San Francisco. John Fox and his wife used to make a magazine. And I got no reason to lie to people. I got no fucking reason to lie to people about this shit. And it was articles about comedians. And in the back, they had the guide

to all the clubs in the country with their phone numbers, like state by state. Alabama, Arkansas, you know, Alaska. They had them all in order. And you looked at these clubs, and I would go to these places and bomb at night. Lee, I would go to Denver,

95. 5. 94 when I came back from New Jersey to Denver. And I had basically 12 minutes and I had been doing comedy for four years and wasting my fucking time. Wasting my time. And I really, really

got involved with it. Like, I really put my mind to it. And I was starting to see little results. Like I was doing 9 minutes, 1, 9, 11 minutes. But I was out every nightly. So I had to get up in the morning, sell cars the 104th Street and Thornton. This is in Colorado. And then at night,

do comedy. In the midst of all this, that testicle testament when I want to kill my wife and all that anger was going through my fucking heart. I was doing that too. So it wasn't like a happy-go, lucky time.

Like, oh my God, let's go do comedy. It was driving to a gig, crying, because I want to kill my wife because she won't let me see my daughter, not having any fucking dough. Yeah. Like, not having any fucking dough. Scamming still.

You said you would go to shows because they gave you free dinner. They give you free dinner. El Torito gave you free dinner. How many places do you do? gave you a free coupon they gave any appetizers you knew you could wheel and deal hey bro listen i got this coat coming in let me give you 50 bucks now i had a week to play with your 50 bucks i knew i could wheel and deal you know to get tomorrow's meal because i had to pick up jacky the

next day and i had no money i mean that's a complete different fucking savage there's people who do comedy who got regular jobs and they get out at night and they got money in the bank but then there's people a lot of comics you know go through it that they have a day job and one Then they go, fuck it. The only way to get better at comedy is to take the safety net out and to hang there like fucking Marcel Marceau on a fucking string with a bicycle. You know, and that's how you get good when you take a chance. Anybody could do comedy and have a fucking job.

You know, anybody, I have a thousand friends that will never get to that next level because they always hold on to a job. That's it. That means you have no confidence. I love you to death. I love what you're doing. But that next level, that next fucking die when your commitment is shown on stage and that's what I'm talking about Duncan.

Duncan and me have nothing to get along about. Duncan and me have two things in common. I love for drugs and seen the fucking devil and I love for taking chances. I love for going on stage and doing something different. You know, him especially. A fucking doll. What was the guy's name?

Is it a little hobo? Little hobo doing wish you were here moving his fucking mouth. And some people are joining in laughing and some people like me are going what the fuck's going on? You know, in the back of my mind, I was doing blows. So that was my love for Duncan. Then I found out he had heart. The kid's all heart.

Oh, yeah, he's down. The kid's down. The kid's down. Duncan Trussell is down. I don't like to hang out with nobody who ain't down. He's down. That's the same thing you had. You know, man, we can't describe the ride the people that we've had. People would never believe it.

Yeah. And I had a great time doing Beating the Beast of Felicia Michaels. We just weren't pushing that round. Yeah. That's all it was. just weren't pushing that realm, you know, just wasn't getting there. It happened sometimes, you know.

And this came along, and this is exactly what the fuck I like, craziness. This is crazy. This is why I could talk. I've never had this. Nobody ever had. This is the luckiest thing we've ever had in our lives, and they throw us in jail lead.

What are we going to do? They throw us in fucking jail. I can't say that. I want to eat Obama's wife's asshole. I can't say that. You're going to throw me in fucking jail. Throw me in fucking jail, but that's not what this is about.

Yeah. This is the best thing that ever happened to this country. This is letting little people know that they still have a fucking voice. I don't care if I was a fucking gazillionaire on a TV show, I'd still be doing this because I would never want people to confuse my fucking character with who the fuck I'm talking about here. I never want people to get away from this. I'm never going to change from this.

I don't give a fuck what you give me. This is who the fuck we are. And nobody ever, people get $3 in their pocket, Austin, they gotta live up to what the fuck they're supposed to be. We work with. We work with. You know you call me at all hours a day and I'm on a desk. You know what I'm saying?

If I'm not on the desk, I'm holding them to be. I'm holding a fucking baby, taking an ear beating from my wife, which I don't mind, but that's what life is about. When have you call me, I'm in a bar jumping up and down? Tell the truth. Never. In two, three years. You ever call me, I'm in a bar jumping up and down? I'm herein' my Frank, and nothing

happens in the bar when you're jumping up and down, though. You're a little bar to pick up a freak, stab a motherfucker, and that's it. You're jumping up by now with your buddies on a Friday and Saturday. You're wasting your fucking time. Look at me, there was a band. They were rocking. I don't give a fuck, all right? I got albums at the house.

I got albums at the house, cocksucker. That's terrible. The fuck. We actually never talked about this. When I wrote to you, I think until the CD happened, it might not have seemed real, but what did you expect to happen?

One of the biggest problems people have is they think they can do everything on their own. They think they can fucking control of the world. I fucking hate Sammy the BullgaVano. But in one of his books, he wrote a great chapter about you could do so much on your own. But someday, you got to join somebody. You could do so much on your own. And someday you could do it.

I was stuck. I could write blogs. I could write comedy. I could do so many things. But I was horrible with the camera and the editing and the computer stuff. And I knew that for me to grow, I needed people to look inside me. I needed people to see me going to the vet and see me going to acupuncture

and see me going to the weed store and now we understand each other. I'm on stage talking some nonsense because I didn't even know what I was talking about on stage. When I came out of it was different. It was different from me. Now I understand comedy more. But I always knew it was like 24-7

that once people seem behind the fucking doors of my house and me talking to my wife and me fucking around with you that we were going to get this party start and I was right. Because that's what it's about. That's why I never sent comedy tapes to nobody. For years,

would always, there was a fucking guy in Houston, Texas, named Mark Babbitt, who thought he was the end-all be-all. He was very good at booking comedy, but like everything else in this business, it went to his head. He thought he was fucking the guy from San Francisco, booking big shows, but he was borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. But he had this, uh, this power thing, like a lot of these fucking douchebags having comedy at these clubs in the small level. I'm telling you guys, now at 50, and now if you're doing comedy for 20 years, all that shit, the little clubs and a little level, it doesn't matter. Those people don't fucking matter. They come on to you like they matter

and they know about comedy and if you don't do it their way, you're not going to work ever again in their life. Those people, they knew it, they wouldn't be fucking stuck in some bum-fuck fucking town managing a comedy club. And I've seen it a thousand times where I told these guys to suck my dick and they actually raised their hand to me like, oh yeah, you'll never work again. Bitch, here I am and where the fuck of you, motherfucker?

That's spark this numb by the respect, right? So Mark Babbitt told Freddie Soto, God bless his soul that he wanted to hire me, but he wanted to see a tape. And I'm like Freddie. I ain't sending the guy in tape. Why not? Just, I'm not sending the guy in tape. You want to hire me, what's the problem?

What's the drama? What's the fucking drama? But every guy that you give $3 thing thinks he's a manager or something, he's got to get that lick on you. Guess what I did? What? I sent him a tape. A blank tape.

Really? And he hired me. He told me the tape was great. It wasn't about watching the tape, guys. It was about me sending the tape, the power thing. You don't know how many comics, comedy clubs I called, and they said, yeah, we'll hire you. They know who the fuck I am.

Send the tape. You're never going to get that tape. Then they would call me back and go, where's the tape? And I'd say, I'm not sending it. Then eventually they'd hire them. He said the blank tape. Blank fucking tape. Oh, it was great.

I loved it. And I did it here in Hollywood. A lot of people in Hollywood. We want to put together a CD for comedy. to send a tape. All right, I'd send you a blank fucking tape. Chelsea Handler used to send her standing up, and then at the end, her getting fucked on a washing machine. Remember a couple years ago they tried to blackmail her?

No. And some club owners thought like, oh, she put it on a mistake. No, she didn't make no mistake, you fucking idiot. That's why she's on E! Because she's got a mind. So on her comedy tape at the end, she'd put her, like, a sex video? She had like a little tape of her getting fucked on a washing machine. So the guy that edited it thought that she had left it off. there by mistake and all she knew what she was doing the whole time she was

sending that tape out across the comedy clubs Jesus I've got one for you then you wonder why the girl's working on me not because she did blow job because somewhere in her mind she became that fucking creative and overlooked the conversation and it's brilliant sometimes you gotta do that but that's the power move people never get caught thump to suck your dick believe in what you believe in and it gave me the weekend Bobby Slayton that's how I met Bobby Slayton in Houston Texas after I sent them up this one on for you year and a half. I wouldn't send the tape.

Really? I fired a manager over it. You gotta send him a tape, Joe. It's professional. I send this shit. That's hysterical. He knows I'm funny. What fucking send? I actually did that the last week at work. I had this guy that I was working with. I'll tell up.

One second. Get together, cuckusker. Is the phone ringing? No. I'm supposed to have a guest today. We will. It's only 6.40. So quickly, I had some guys working with. who just wasn't cutting it. Like, you've done this a lot.

You've changed managers and stuff. This guy I was working with at night who just wasn't doing his work at night. And after four weeks of work and it was getting worse. And I went into my boss on Thursday. I said, either it's his last night or it's my last night. And they finally fired the night guy.

And, like, I was nervous about it. I was stressed about it. His job here now? Yeah. They did fire him? Yeah. You're fucking pimply. I had to.

I mean, he was fucking me up around the day. He was a nice, guy, but you just can't you can't be nice and do a shitty job. Like, I was actually thinking about that, because you've changed agents and stuff, and like, it's, I felt bad. Like, I felt bad, because, I mean, he's not working

right now, or maybe he found another gig. But it's kind of a weird thing to do that to somebody. Listen, man, business is business. Yeah. You know, business is fucking business. Maybe you made his wake-up call indirect. Yeah. Maybe that guy was going through something that you made his business

call indirect. You know what I'm saying? Maybe he was slipping. He needed to get fired. Sometimes you got to make a move. And I hate it too. I fucking hate it too. I hate working with people

and find out that duds. Nothing worse than that. Nothing worse than people. Listen, there's certain people who can work together and they can be opposites like a relationship. You know what I'm saying? Like maybe you're the hustler

and you cover something. But there's some people that just don't want to do dick. Yeah. They don't want to do dick. And they don't want to argue with you. And that's one thing I will not fucking tolerate it. I'm not going to. argue with nobody I didn't argue with my fucking wife

this is the way you do it you know one of the biggest lessons I got I worked for these Jewish people and I was a telemarketer for them and they really fucking set me straight I remember him going oh yeah by the way we're working Christmas Day Jesus was a fucking Jew that was how he told

you you were working Christmas Day Jesus is a fucking Jew but he used to say this is how it needs to be done if you can't do it that way we'll shake hands and we'll part friends and I'll buy your drink next time I see and I will not hold it against you. But this is how this things need to be done. There's people that want to come on, well, you know, my social media guy,

listen, your social media guy gets paid by the fucking hour. I'm telling you, I know this shit. And whether it's social media, I'm just saying social media, I'm sorry. But it's different people, and every type of level. You people have them in your day jobs. You people have people in your phone. People listen to this podcast. You know who I'm talking about.

You got the guy across from you in a fucking cubicle. It can't work the fucking printer. There's always something And you got to carry the fucking slack Yeah And you know what, you do it Because maybe they're going through something Maybe they're going through a divorce

They lost a while Who knows But one day you get fed up Because You're a fucking American You gotta work You get up at 8 to 5 You got to work

Yeah One thing I always had was fucking work ethic At work ethic As a little guy I had it And because my mom owned the bar But she would still make me go up to that door When I was 5 I was cleaning out the period box

in the woman's bathroom with no gloves on. Okay, there wasn't like gloves then that you put little gloves on and you clean the toilet. There were the fucking dish gloves to do dishes that smelled like your mother's asshole. You ever smell the inside of a fucking dish glove? They're fucking awful, or you could put your hand in the water

and scrub that fucking toilet and the urinal. I had to put ice dog. I did all that shit. And at five, my mother broke me. They broke my fucking spirit. The first time she goes, go in that little box next to a woman's toilet. There's money in there.

I stuck my hand there and ripped out a cotton ball filled with blood I nearly fucking died dog you understand me you fucking understand and then she used to make me mop she used to make me vacuum she used to make me do windows

I remember vacuum she used to call me slave in Spanish Eklowl you know what that's fucking like Yeah man You gotta work You gotta get it because if not nobody's gonna do it for you

Yeah That just comes a point one day when you wake up And you go I'm gonna do this right I've been fucking around for so fucking long You know, nothing bothers me more when somebody sweeps and they don't sweep the corner Or they don't move a box or they don't pick up the printer when you're dusting. Pick up the fucking print and dust underneath, you fuck. You know, my shit's immaculate.

I like that. But that's me. I know how to clean. I know how to get under things. There's people who fucking live around the mess. Yeah. I've had a DVD box out just because it's a DVD box and every time it comes in, it pisses you off. Which one?

The DVD box is. Oh, yeah. It's just laying there. Pick the fucking thing up. Three months it's there. What do you do? You show it to people. whack off on it.

Pick the fucking thing out. This is a DVD box. It kills me every time he comes in and he looks at and he shakes his head. You know, your motherfucker? Last night I was watching something that was very interesting. I, uh,

I did the emails and I wrote a little bit and I wanted to put ice on my fucking toe. You know, it doesn't hurt as much anymore, as much as it was hurting. I mean, it's still a nagging fucking pain. Yeah. So I put my foot up and I put ice on it. And I was watching TV and I was about to

watched Dexter. I had it taped. And it was inside the American Mafia on John Gotti. Oh, cool. And it was just the ins and out to John Gotti. And, you know, for people not in that world, and I didn't know John, I didn't know of him, you know, I just read about him and

heard the stories once I got to Colorado. I know he shot Paul Costal. And then when I went back to New York in 93, I knew people who he knew, whatever or they didn't brag that I didn't know the fucking guy. I didn't know nothing about him. So I'm watching this last. killing time you know when you're stoned and you're just going through the channels i didn't feel like

getting into a movie i i taped some to anarchy last wednesday i didn't feel like getting into that i take the honeymooners at 1 30 every night and they're a half hour but i didn't think i had a half hour so i just said let me just watch what they're pushing you know and i'm looking at this gaudy guy and i got to tell you something i don't like what he did i don't like what he did you know in the other side of it he was he was too flashy i don't believe in all that flash and i understand that world because my stepdad lived in that world But one thing Goddy had that I really admired was heart. And when he did something, he did it all the way.

That Paul Costalano hit was something of five. If you ever go to New York, take a cab to Sparks Steakhouse. Just take a cab and go in front of Sparks Steakhouse and turn around and look at the street. Look at the floor. Look at the street, how big it is. This guy killed two people in broad daylight at 5.30 at night, 6 o'clock at night, and made a statement. He was 45 years old.

he did it. He made a statement. Usually when you do something, you do something and we have to argue about it. He made such a statement that he walked into your house and said, hey, I'm the new boss. We got a problem. And you sit there and said, no, what is the fucking problem? What could possibly

be the fucking problem? And he just did that. He took over a $12 million a year enterprise. Cash. Just by killing those two people? Just by killing those two people. Just took over it. He went. He got like three guys and he said, this is what we're doing. we're going to shoot this motherfucker a week before Christmas

and then we're taking over this motherfucker and we're going to sell more heroin that's ever been done. What happened was the bosses were selling heroin and they didn't want anybody selling heroin because that's their trade. The profit on heroin is huge. You could buy a kilo and 10 times that

so let's say you buy a kilo for 50 fucking grand you could walk out of it with $400,000 by cutting it 18 times and selling it to Spanish people and black people and all those markets in Harlem and having a distribution. Even if you make the guy a partner and give him $100,000,

you still walk out of it with $300,000 and you don't do shit. And you're walking around going, this is part of Gambino money. So you fuck with me, you're going to get a bunch of Italians coming at you. So it's like stealing with no fucking, you know, it's like stealing, you know. That's crazy. So he was selling heroin to keep your, to keep doing what you're doing. Yeah, you're on your shirt and you fucking take numbers. That's what you let people think.

But your main business is age. I didn't know that the mom's main business I never even Like you never really think about it Like you see them like all the movies But so the main thing they did was sell drugs H heroin The bananas were all about heroin

They got it from Montreal And then everybody else jumped in on it But everybody else wasn't supposed to be a heroin sales Do you understand I'm trying to say to you So I'm not supposed to be a heroin sales I'm supposed to be a bookie But deep down the side I'm lending out money at points

To heroin dealers So I'll give them 50,000 They give me back six in two days. I'm still making. You follow me? There's different ways to do things. Yeah.

I could be a drug dealing just to invest in three Puerto Ricans. Just say, come here. I got the guy for you. This is what you're going to get. This is what I'm going to get. But we're going to sell in volume. And I'm going to be at home picking up envelopes.

So when they found out Goddy was selling heroin, they're like, this motherfucker is jumping up on our trade. You know, they wanted to make money, but they didn't want anybody else to make money. Yeah. They started talking about it. You know, because everybody knows that the captains bring the envelopes to you. You don't know what those envelopes are about.

I can just tell you, nah, I did a real estate deal. I just sold 10 pounds of heroin. You don't know that. By you accepting that money, you become part of a RICO. So you become a make sure a drug dealer. That's what the RICO thing is about, to charge the street soldier all the way up to the highest guy in the enterprise. That's what the RICO act is about.

So that's what happened. They went after John Gotti. They were going to kill John Gotti before John Gotti got killed. He put together three guys. He put together another four or five shooters. Dressed him up like Russians. Okay. Put him outside of Sparks.

And McAstlano pulled up with his bodyguard. When he got out of the car, they just started fucking blasting and then walked away into the Christmas shuffle. It was dark, 536, you know, thousands of people on the Lower East Side. And they just walked away until the night. It was one of the most perfect hits of all time. Wow. When you're going to do something to do it in front of their fucking face, don't creep around and do it. they were going to do with their house and sneak into the house.

Fuck that. They just shot this motherfucker. They just said, fuck it. We'll just shoot this guy in the middle of the street and then we'll take all the organization. Then he fucked it up. Then he started talking shit and he went on tape and he ruined it himself and Sammy the Bull, they blamed it on him.

But it was God he had to get in the row. That's great. Were they talking about Whitey Bulger in Boston when you were there at all? Because I haven't been back, so I don't know what's going on there. That is the biggest waste of time. ever in my life that I've heard the guy's 83 years old yeah so what do you think they should do you know what that trial is costing millions millions for what for what this was the worst fucking things of all time he was shooting people but he was

a fucking informant for the FBI the FBI could say all and all that we don't know what his activities were we don't know what they were doing they know what he was fucking doing yeah he was working for the FBI he was doubling up it happens it happens all the fucking time you know It happens all the fucking time. I see it at the lowest levels. You know, cops will come over and talk to me. You always have to have a cop as a friend.

They give you shit. You give them shit. You're not really a rat, but you're talking about who's moving against you. If I go to a club one night, Lisa Akams up to me with three of his fucking Puerto Rican friends, these muscles up on me. I got two options. I can fight this dude, or next time I see my cousin who's a cop, I'm going to let them know to shake these motherfuckersers. Just pull them out one night and take that coke, smack them around a little bit.

Yeah. And they all make money. shake him down. Was that a big thing for you being a rat? Because like I watched a bunch of interviews with people on the street in Boston and a bunch of the South people were like he got what he deserved to as a rat. Who?

Bulger. They knew it while he was doing it. No, no, I understand. I'm saying the people in Boston didn't like it. Like, was that a big thing for you? Like, not ratting? Listen, I'm not into all that mafia movies and stuff like that because sometimes you got to do what you got to do. But I'm not in the business of it. I'm not in the fucking business

of it. And I never planned on being it. That's just me. That's how I was raised. Yeah. You know, I didn't understand that. You know, Kat Williams makes a point that when you grow up, your mama tells you, don't tattle. That's it. And it got bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger.

And there's been situations at the comedy store where something happened, and the cops called me later on. I didn't tattle. I would never even, I don't know nothing. Till this day, I don't know fucking nothing. You know, all those years when I got arrested, I didn't say nothing. And I remember in Boulder, they tried to fucking fuck with me. Two people tried to fuck me. The local police.

I forget what the guy's name was. The guy that arrested me was Seeper, but his partner, the brunette guy, was trying to fuck with me. And what do you mean to fuck with you? You know, talk to me. Let me know if you could help us. We could talk to the judge. And that's what the guy who got arrested with you did, right?

The guy that got arrested with me, not Vela, Tidwell. That's what I'm saying. Tidwell became a rat. And he still got 10 years. Really? You got 10 years. Well, he rat against me. He turns evidence against me.

They wanted two against one. So that's what I mean. He just ratted on me, that it was my idea. You know, I played it from the other end. You know, what a lot of people don't know is that morning before I did the kidnapping. The kidnapping, I did it 11 o'clock. But that morning at 9, I got these teeth filled. I got a bunch of teeth filled.

And the doctor gave me medication, and he put me under that gas. And the fucking attorneys wanted to argue that that was why I kidnapped the guy. I didn't kid. I could have taken that defense. You know, I'm not the type of guy. I can't lie like that. It wasn't in me to lie. like that even though they came back to me the first time with nine

fucking years. I knew, I thought about what I had done and what I had said that day and I knew that what they made it to be and what I did was two different fucking things. And in my mind the guy was a fucking drug dealer. That's why I fucking took him and kidnapped him but it's not what it was. He was a human being

and that's where I fucked up. And he has rules and I had rules. Oh, I'll come back. Oh shit. It's my little brother, Sal Lubots. What's happening, brother. Nothing, man. I almost forgot you.

Long time, Salubot. You know, this Inside the American mob came on a couple weeks ago. I lost him. Let's see if he closed back. So, yeah, so while we're waiting, you were saying...

You know, and that's why I fucked up. Like, I let the cocaine addiction talk me into rob and this guy. Like, somewhere in my mind, I was that warped. But during the kidnapping, I saw the realism of the situation. Yeah.

I saw how real it was. I saw that there was going to be guns involved. And I never forget that I had a gun in the trunk. I had this old gun in the trunk that I had had from Colorado that had brought down with me that I really wasn't taking care of anymore. I wasn't oiling it or greasing it. Like, you're supposed to take the bullets out, and I just had it.

And I didn't know if it was even going to work or whatever. And I took it with me. I always had in the trunk of a car, because in those days, I sold cars. So the cars weren't mine. So I put the gun in there. And if I got pulled over, I don't know who's fucking gun it is. Why are you blaming me?

I'm just driving the fucking car. You understand me? That's how crazy I was at the time. And I had this gun. And that day, when I went to Kid Nath Bell, I had that gun. I didn't forget that. When I found out that Tidwell had double-crossed me, like tried to rob me,

telling me that that's not what was at the house. I left there, and I was hurt. Like, I had never encountered this. Like, that was the first time at the age of 25 that somebody that I was a partner with and I was robbing with was double-crossing me. me. And this is what I get

for robbing with somebody out of my neighborhood. This is what I get. Hey, brother, what's happening? Yeah, yeah, try me on the other line. Try me on the 8-1-8. So do you understand me? I mean, I had never been through that before. And I had a good friend, Darren Rego.

God bless his soul, and Joey Falado and Darren knew a bunch of people. But I didn't have the money to fly him out. Yeah. And at the time, they were like, dog, if we could do it, we'll do it in a week. I'm doing something else. So I didn't have time. Yeah. You know, my big mistake was Lee between me and you being a pussy and not taking this guy down myself.

See, that was my biggest mistake. I had done that before. I know how to double cross people, and I don't like it. Yeah. I didn't like it. This is amazing. We're getting on this conversation. About two months.

I got to finish the story. Yo. Sal, what's happening, brother? Hey, how are you? Good, man. I know that you got bad reception, everything. I just wanted to say that. Ever since the show Inside the American Mob came on, people have been hitting me up.

I mean, people really liked when you came on the podcast of two times for me, and they wanted me to get you back on and ask you questions and shit like that. How you've been besides that, brother? Good, good. I'm going tomorrow to New York. I want to do the Charlie Rose Morning Show. Okay. And how's the book going? Yeah, book's selling well.

We're going to have a paperback January, so we're busy. You looked beautiful last night on television, by the way. Oh, you showed it last night? Yeah, yeah, for the first time, Sal, I tape him. I fly back on Saturday on Sundays. So Sunday nights, I'm answering emails. I'm doing this, but last night I caught the 10 o'clock one. The inside John Gottin, I was telling the people at home about John Gotti and what I liked and didn't like.

What did you think of that last night? I didn't see it. You know, I never look at the damn things. Well, you and the one guy are very interesting on the show. I got to be honest with you. It was, you know, I went back there in January, did two days of interviews. They took me to a Brooklyn Navy Yard,

and they just sat me in front of a camera for two days. And, you know, we interviewed for hours and hours and hours. And then when we do the show, you know, you never know what the hell they're going to use, but they use, you know, 20 seconds here, 20 seconds here. It was interesting. I had met Michael Franz East in 1975. We didn't see each other since 1975.

And then we hooked up a couple of weeks ago. We did all the promotions. And we laughed about all kinds of stuff because his father, my uncle, went to jail together. Now, his father was sunny, correct? Yeah. Like the music. Now, isn't there a story that he told fucking,

what's the music mogul? What's the big black music mogul today that everybody's scared of from Death Row Records? Oh, yeah. I don't know the whole... Yeah, yeah, that he told him to shut the fuck up one day. or something because Sonny wasn't part of the music thing but anyway it was interesting last night

because they just went through the career of Gotti and all the cases and they had Cutler talking about you and you talking about cutler and stuff like that it's Sal you know every morning when you get up you kissed the fucking floor Sal? Oh I feel like I'm lucky to even be here

oh my God Sal it's amazing I'm thinking about that as I'm going to bed last night that all those people are gone and they all died in fucking horrible ways their lives all ended in terrible fucking way and you got out, had a family, had two beautiful boys, and are successful now,

and just everything happens for a reason, Sal. And I'm not mad at you, you know? What the fuck? You know, it's like what you show is what you reap. I mean, that's just the way life is. What's next, brother? We write any scripts? What's the story?

Tell me something good. I'm just chilling out. I might do the show. I've been watching some stuff, and somebody wants me to do some comedy stand-up about the old life. So I don't know. I might write something like that. I don't know.

Maybe we get a chance we should do what you and I should do a stand-up together talking about the old wife. What was like in New York? I would love to fucking sit with you and help you write. I would love it because I couldn't do what you do. I wasn't in that deep or nothing. I was a stupid drug guy, but I would love to help you, sir. I think you're a funny guy off the fucking cuff, to be honest. You got the face.

You're beautiful. We probably do a comedic take on drugs because, you know, The drug policy sucks. Legitimately, it's a terrible situation. Finally, Obama and Holder released information last week they're going to stop cutting sentences. But we have so many stories, your stories, my stories about drugs and how funny it is

and why the government wants to put their nose in people's personal business. You want to do a drug that should be your business, you know? So we probably should sit down, we could probably write a little monologue, and it would be fun. You're still hanging out with the lady helping you at the one-man show and stuff?

You're still trying to put that together? No, I just moved away from that. I left it alone, you know. I might do that again. I got a new manager, so he's getting me out doing speaking engagements. Okay, that always works, Sal, there's a living. Michael Franchet has been doing it for fucking years. Yeah.

He goes to colleges and talks about that. He became a born-again, though, correct? Yeah, yeah, he's a born-again guy. Yeah, that's cool. He's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. He's a son that's a baseball player, nice family. You know, he's a good guy.

You know, man, Sal, it's really weird that you're older than I am and I'm 50 and it's weird how people make mistakes when they're young. Oh, shit, man. I wish I could tell every 50-year-old. You should be starting your life over today. If you hit 50, start over today. Reinvent yourself, man. It's amazing that people are reinvent themselves at 50. Look at me.

I'm walking around with a seven-month-old girl. Seven months, Sal. This is new life in my house. I didn't even know I had sperm left. You know, and all of a sudden she's beautiful. My wife is happy. I've never made anybody happy in my life like this. So it happened at 50.

You got a little baby. Yeah, little baby girl, Sal. See, that's what I did. I was 49. I had a little girl. My daughter just turned 20 the other day. Jesus Christ. God bless you, Sal.

And it's beautiful. Yeah, it's amazing. You know, she was in that movie with us. But you know what? You hear you all with a little girl. You have a completely different view on life, Joey. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

It doesn't matter anymore. she's all that matters. I'm getting a second chance, Sal. I'm getting a second. Maybe we should do that. We should talk about hitting 50 and having a second chance. I bet you people would love it. You know, Sal, the biggest problem in this country right now is

people can't believe that Doug Dynasty broke every fucking record in the book last week. Did you see it? Do you know what's going on with these fucking mooks? Do you ever watch the show? Sal, the show is great. The show is, it's creepy and great, and it's got so many aspects of it. But it even broke the Sopranos cable record. Like it broke, it fucked everybody up.

But you know why, Sal? Do you know why? Because at the end, Sal, they say a prayer together. They all eat, and as they're passing mashed potatoes, they say a prayer. They're a family. 30 years ago, what was the hot show? The fucking Walton's. Why was the Walton's hot?

Because old man, Walton, got water? No, because at the end of the show, it was a family. They reminded America about being a family. Good night, Billy Jean. Good night, Cucksucker. Good night, Papa Joe. You know, I never had a family, Sal. I never had a family, Sal.

Let's do something our family, you and I. We can do a comedic take, but it would be more than comedy. It would be reality. It's reality. Look at the family that was given to me after my mother died. I was mixed with Italians and Irish, who in reality say the word spic more than anybody. They love me, Sal.

I made... Guineas and Irish love me, Sal. for B being me. When was the last time an Italian brought a Cuban home and said he's staying with us? That's your bedroom. That's your fucking bedroom.

That was the Italians in 1970. As much shit as they talked, they brought me into their homes and they gave me Brajol and they fucking fed me and, you know. Wow. So let's write something on family, brother. That's amazing story.

You ever write a script about that? I'm trying. I'm in the process. But, you know, it's too much like Bronx Tale. It's too much like that. It would be sound like that, but it's the truth. You know, what really happened, Sal, was they had four boys, and the one boy

died, and I looked like him, and I was always with him. So I filled in, and then my mother died, so now they filled in for me. It was a beautiful fucking thing. Until this week, until this day, I still talk to Carmine every week. I call him every week. He's 70-something years old.

But that's not like Bronx,ale. Your story is a drama. You know, a real story with real names. Bronxdale was fictionalized by Paul Maturio. You know your story, you lost I lost. I lost the call. I don't know if I lost that. Do you want to wait for him to call back? Whatever. What do you want to do you? Let me give some shoutouts real quick to some beautiful fucking people.

Daniel Toon, Steve, happy birthday, Cecilia, wants to lick your nuts. Salamander. Yeah. So you know that you have a unique story. You should write the script, Joey. Okay. I'm thinking about it. I've been thinking about it for a long time. I still talk to him. I still talk to two of the four boys. Yeah. It's not difficult to do it. Do you know in 20 years. You sit down and you write your outline. You could almost verbally, you know, dictate the outline. In one or two hours, you have an outline, just broad strokes. And you go back and you start writing the script. It's a good story, man. You want to get together next week and talk about it? Yeah, call me next week. I'll be back.

Friday, so call me the end of the week, and we'll talk. Maybe we can meet, and you could do a little outline. I hope you do the outline. It's easy. My friend Martin, you know, I got a raging bull. That's how I learned how to do it with him, you know? I'd appreciate it, Sal, I'll give you a call next Sunday for sure. Sal, I'm going to congratulate you. You're always, you're a fucking last of the real survivors. You're always eking out of living. I love you, Doug. You're the last, and you got a great story, and I hope people buy your book. What's the name of the book? Oh, so it's the movie. Okay, all right. No, and I was in the

movie so people still hit me up twice a week hey we saw you in the synchrechnit yeah yeah it's uh it's an amazing thing for you sal i was watching you last night i'm seeing all those guys who at the time thought they had the life look at half of them are dead sal rigerio edelino you know what a what a harder way to live your fucking life man like a shooting star man you know have a great day thank you for calling being a part of the church of what's happening You know I love you, Sal. All right, talk soon. Thanks for the help.

What do you think about that, Cucksaw? I love it. All right, let me give some... Cecilia, it was Steve's birthday, so Cicely called me, said, give him a fucking shout out. Gregory Hart, Mitch Berger, Luna Valenti.

I love you, Cocksucker. Derief and Michael Rosario and shit. And don't forget it as usual. Let me tell you something, Cocksor. You don't want me to tell you? I broke my all-time epileptic record this week. Oh, shit. 53 minutes.

Really? I took three of those fucking shroom texts. I couldn't stop my legs. But the thing about Shroom Tech is It don't kick in when you're starting something It kicks in as you're doing it Like you feel all of something You just feel the wind go

And all of a sudden you're like God damn I'm ready to run a hill Listen go to On it Press in fucking church Get 15% off I tell you what the combination is I've been doing I took the strong bone

And I use it as a spilt As a what is that a slit for my toe I tie a string around there Okay I've been taking the strong bones You know I've been taking the fucking strong bones Ari I tell you what, my toe does feel a little bad.

It's going to take six to eight weeks, but I'm trying to give it all the help I can. Look at it. Look, a strong bone came in for me. So it's helping me. I don't have that much pain. Go to honor. They got a great combination. Get the protein powder, the strong bone.

Get that fucking shroom tank. If you need endurance, I'm telling you, I'm a fat buck. Thank God, my man, a jit-to class told me about it. I popped them, and now I can't go fucking gut. Anything I do, I go for a walk, I pop three shroom checks. Get those fucking mushroom popping those red blood cells. Are you kidding me? or what?

Someone I work with takes the new mood. He said, helps him sleep a lot. I'm telling you, those fucking things, I'm almost out of the 15-day packages, and I can feel the difference. I didn't take it this morning, because I didn't even have a protein shake this morning. I just had two bananas.

Two motherfucking bananas, you know what I'm saying? Oh, shit. And you were telling me today that Dollar Shave Club came, and quickly there are so many things that irritate both of us, fucking people who aren't real, fucking lines at the airport, whatever irritates you. with so many things that irritate you in the world,

why would you let razors add to it? What we're saying is stop milking a razor blade. With name-brand razors, you're used to paying out outrageous prices in exhausting those razors until they start looking like a rusty soda can. Let it go. It's time to move on. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing quality blades

to your door for just a few bucks a month. Never think about it again. They send a pack every month for just a few bucks. You can change your blades every week. Trust me, your face will love you for it. Joey uses it, and you should too. Join Dollar Shave Club, shave time, shave money. Go to Dollar Shaveclub.com slash church.

That's dollarshave club. com slash church. Let me break it down for you, all right? Let me cut the shit for you, because money talks and bullshit fucking walks, okay? Let's say you buy the eight pack of razor. It's like $9.99 or something like that, right? Let's pretend. Just generic.

You buy like the cheap pack of razor. Let me tell you what you get from Dollar Shave Club. You don't get this fucking joint. Let me tell you what you get from Dollar Shave Club. You get this. this fucking razor okay and it's not a that's the real fucking thing you can hit your girlfriend you can fucking blast her in the fucking head with this you get four gorilla double blades look at the shit with the lubricant and the alo the

smooth and not your fucking thing you get these one white fucking towelettes you could wipe your ass your face you know you got coke rocks in your nose and you get the shave butter you know what you get that for nine fucking dollars nine dollars a month you think about not that you have to go to CVS you're gonna do that shit. $9 a month. Now, for $6 a month, you get one razor a week and the fucking you still get this. I'm not fucking with you. This thing is fucking solid. This ain't no hollow fucking thing that you can put a joint. Look, this is the real fucking deal. I ain't messing with you people. $6 a month. You know what that comes out to? 72 fucking dollars a year. 72 dollars a

year and it comes to your door. You don't have to leave the house. Don't fuck around. Go to dollar shave club right now. What are you put in the book? Church in the box. Why fuck around? $6 a month and then they got the $1 a fucking month package but you get like two razors and you get this, you don't get the towelettes, you don't get none. You want to walk around with a dirty ass.

For $9.9.00. You get the whole thing a month. $9 fucking. So you know what that comes out to? That's 908 for the fucking year. It comes right to your fucking door. And listen, I'm not saying you should do this today. Let's say you don't have the 108 a year. Get the $6 package. Fuck it. Do what I do. rub soap on your face with like a toothbrush and shit get in there and the shower

because that's where you shave in the shower like not like a Puerto Rico I'm cold while you're talking to your girlfriend it's ripping your fucking face apart you get the shower turn out on hot let your paws open up you get this razor and these fucking blades and I guarantee you'll be loving me even if you do the do the six dollar package do the six dollar package for starters that's 72 fucking dollars a year you're gonna love me for it that's all I got to tell you people number two Hulu plus my wife's been fucking using it and she started watching breaking back because we watch a and whatever she's watching Breaking Bad on Hulu Plus.

Again, I saw the lineup that she was showing me and what she watched for $7.99 a month, guys? Are you fucking retarded? Why don't you go bang your fucking head off the door right now? $7.99 is what you fucking moron spend in parking. Trying to be cool with your fucking buddies like an asshole. You think they give a fuck when you're bippy that you pay for parking. Fuck, though.

Get to your 799. You get two weeks free. You go to Huluplus.com press. Joey. In the fucking box. Boom. Two weeks for free. I'm giving you two on the arm. When was the last time you went to something and go, you know what?

I'm thinking of smoking your fucking reefer. But I don't have no money. Give me two weeks for free. Anybody do that? That's what you do when you run with me. I'm giving you two weeks for free. So you see what Huluplus.com's about. And after that, it's seven and that's what your girlfriend's ass just sound like when you smack that dirty fuck.

You cock suck out. I'll smack that fucking dirty ass. Huluplus.com. Dollar Shave Club, press Joey. On it. Press whatever the fuck you want to press. That's what I'm talking about. Church.

What's up, dog? It's Monday morning. If you ain't fired up, turn the channel. Go watch Good Morning America with four broad scratching their pussy. I don't give a buck. This is Mad Flavors world.

This is the church of what's happening now with Lee Syatt and Joey fucking Diaz blasting you off. I said today, you got two choices today. You can either suck a cop or get your sock cuck. Or get your cock suck. Which one are you doing today, you bad motherfuckers? What? What story?

What story? The story, you wrote it down. were talking about the guy you robbed in Double Crossing. Oh, I forgot I wrote zebra. How high am I? I don't even know why I wrote zebra. What the fuck is wrong with you?

You wrote zebra down? Yeah, I don't know why. Zebra? Maybe people are hiding or something? Too dead, I don't know. Yeah, it was double crossing and you should have taken them down by yourself. No, no, I should have taken them down by myself, but I was a pussy.

I wasn't confident. I was on a Coke. I was 25. Now, I had taken people down by myself before. I had jumped out of a bush before and taking people down with like a stick or something. This guy would have to take him down with a gun. I would have to tie him up by myself. There was a lot more steps.

I wasn't patient. I went and I recruited this fucking half a fucking idiot. And he caved on me. You know, he fucking caved on me. And he didn't testify on everybody else. He just sat across with me and testified. And then years later, he tried denying. I'm like, guy, you were a fucking trustee with a violent felony.

You can't be a bolder trustee if you have a violent thought. I wasn't no fucking trustee. He was a trustee. That means that you mop and they allow you out of the cell and you eat double the fucking food. So if you didn't fucking rat on me, how come you're a fucking trustee? I bumped in two years later.

I didn't write on you in the system. I didn't really, get the fuck out of my fame. Why am I going to do smack and whatever so he could ride on me again? That's the dumbest fucking thing. Yeah. Oh. About two months ago,

I was watching something on Twitter. Joe Rogan had put, and I discussed this before. I've never told this story before, but I'm going to say it now, just so you people know it. I had watched this video by Joe Rogan about a zebra getting attacked by alligators. Okay. And you could hear the zebra cry for his life. And I turned the fucking thing off, and I was two minutes from calling Joe and going, don't put a video like that ever on again.

Because it's not good to hear somebody beg for their fucking life. Yeah. Okay, it's not good to people beg for their fucking life. And I don't care if I get arrested for this 20 years later. I'm not going to tell you the name. When I was about 15, and that's why when I read the Samuel Bougarvano book, I enjoyed the book so much because I understood where he was coming from. He was a type of guy Sammy the Bull that would hang out with Lee for 10 years.

Eat with Lee. Eat with you, Lee. Have you all for my baptism, have you all for my house. And one day over a money agreement, he would call you up and go, Lee, come on, let's go smoke pine. You're like, I don't want to. I can't. I can't. I, yeah, yeah.

And he would talk you into getting in the car, and next you know, he should. shoot you or he'd get you shot. He knew how to do that. That was his gift. Even if you knew, even if somebody called you and said, dog, the mafia's looking to shoot you. He was that strong. He'd come over and go, Lee, come on, I got you. And right outside, they'd fucking hook you up. Well, guess who else had that gift? Me. I had that gift, and I knew I had it, and I didn't like it.

I could double cross anybody. I've done him. I've told people that for $1,000 are going to join the mafia and not giving them the money back. I've gone out. It was a guy who gave me three grand one time for weed, and I strung him out for like a year. But if you're that stupid, you deserve to get robbed by me at that time. You know what I'm saying? But I could double cross you with the best of people. When I was a kid, I had a friend.

He wasn't a best friend. He was just a friend. I knew him. And he was kind of a fucking knucklehead. You know? Did I know him well? Did I eat lunch at his house and shit? No.

I just knew him. His acquaintance. I was an acquaintance and he talked shit about some girl one day. He talked a lot of shit about some girl that he shouldn't have. He sucked the tip

but he told everybody he fucked or whatever. I was in the eighth grade but I was a year older because I had gotten left back and I knew this cop. You know, I knew this cop and we had talked we had conversations a few times.

Nothing, I was 14. I was doing nothing. I was playing basketball. He just liked the way I played basketball. We had to play basketball. become friends. And one day he came to my house and his work car, you know, not in the police car, like in a regular, but he wasn't a cop in North Bergen. He was a cop in a different jurisdiction. He came to my house and he called around and he wanted to know where I lived. I knew him from a different

place in my life. And he came to me and like a man, he knocked on my door, my mom, because there's a man outside that wants to talk to you. And I went outside, my mom goes, who's that? And I go, he's a basketball coach, you know, and if I say from where, people are going to figure it out. He told me he came to him like a man. He goes, this guy talks shit about my sister, and I can't just go there and grab him in the street. I need somebody to shake him out of the house. Okay.

You know, and this, and I'm like, you know, are you fucking serious? And he's like, I'll help you. If you ever get into a jam, I'll help you, which he did years later. He goes, I'll help you, and I'll give you a couple dollars, but nobody could talk about my sister that way. And I didn't have a sister. I had a sister in Cuba, so. So I put myself in that spot.

And one day, I go, You got it. I called him up and he came and picked me up in this weird fucking car and they drove me up to wherever. I called for the kid and it was about basketball or something like that and I got him out of the house and they pulled the kid in the corner and they fucking smacked the shit out of him. They put a gun to his fucking head. And that kid's shit and pissed himself, you know, and I remember him crying, begging for his fucking life. And I felt really bad about it and I swore I would never do that, something like that again, that I let somebody get their own thing. I heard that kid fucking screeching for his fucking life. Were they going to kill him?

They were going to kill him. They were going to do something to him. They were going to do something to him. They smacked them around. They broke his fucking nose. They busted his fucking mouth. You know, he deserved it, you know. Did I feel bad about it?

Ah. But those are the things that scared me about my own life. That I could do something like that. I could talk somebody into fucking doing them. I could talk anybody into taking a ride and shooting them. Easy. What's the easiest gift I got. That's the gift of gab, you know?

But I knew I had him. I didn't like it, so I never really. I'm not a double-crosser because I rather look you in the eye and tell you what I'm thinking. Then fuck with you. That's how my mother raised me. But I knew that I had that option. I knew I always had that option. Do you know what I'm saying?

And after that, I always felt bad. I remained friends with the cop. The kid never liked me, but he never said none to nobody because those cops knew they were going to fucking shoot him in the fucking head if he ever did speak. Yeah, I was going to say because, like, in today's world, like, if I ever came home with, like, a broken nose like that, My mom would, like, she would have had, like, the DA there, the FBI. Oh, they broke his fucking nose. They busted his mouth. So, like, how could you not, like, it's just a different time?

In those days, you could say anything. In those days, what? If they weren't there, they're not there. Your parents aren't there. Okay. You know, you could say anything. I fell down. Trust me, you're holding an ice back that you had in this stitching you up.

You can't say who hit you. Not in those days. In those days, you can't say you had two options at the hospital. You didn't say who hit you and you moved down with your life, or you didn't say who hit you to calm those people down, and within two or three years, you blasted them. I had a friend Randy Mergel who's dead. Randy Mergle was one of the most dangerous people I ever met in my life.

He was from North Bergen, New Jersey. He lived behind Lincoln School across from a jacket factory or something. And at the age of 18, he robbed that jacket thing for like $25,000, and he went into business. I took a lot of half grams on the arm from Randy Mergel when I was young. I took a lot of half. He used to hide them in the freezer up in the top floor. I would go to his house, open the freezer, and take two of them and go play.

Randy was a dear friend of mine. I love Randy. He dated Joanne, and he hung out with another friend of mine, Diagostino, from fucking down in Florida, the Diagostinos. And Randy was a tough motherfucker. He never played football. He played like pee-wee football and freshman football. But then he became a drug deal.

He didn't want to play sophomore in junior year. In his senior year, they asked him to play. And he started, like, just after not playing football for two years. Because the blast, he was crazy. He was athletic. He would hit your heart, and he was just crazy. Randy Merger was just fucking. crazy. One night they told me

that Randy Mergles in the fucking hospital. They got jumped by three Puerto Ricans at a carnal. I've told this story before in the podcast. I remember this story. And they took him home. He was in the hospital. I went to his house. He was stitched up. His fucking eyes were poked. Oh my God. It was

fucking horrible. Randy, who did this? Three fucking spicks from Hudson County Park. They had a red shirt on. And I mean, this guy kept telling him three spicks from Hudson County Park. And about a year later, some other one of our friends comes up, busted up. Somebody busted him the fuck up.

He wasn't a dear friend of mine. He was like some dirty fucking dude from up in Cliffside, one of those towns that hung in North Bergen. But I heard he was busted up in years later. I saw Randy. I go, Randy, what happened to our boy? He goes, that guy wasn't my boy. He goes, let me tell you the story. A couple nights we went out.

And one night we got all fucked up, and he wanted blow. And he gave me like a quailout to make me blackout. He threw the beating on me. So instead of me saying it was him. and having you guys beat him up, I waited two or three years, and I got him one night with a fucking bat. That's genius.

Jesus. That's genius right there. So that's the fucking story right there you guys get today. What do you think of that one, Lee? This is a Monday morning, bro. We don't fuck around on Mondays. I got to get these motherfuckers fired up. Let me tell you something.

When Lee came in, and I don't mean to end the podcast like this, but you know what? Just like John Gotti, you have to make a choice in your life and you have to commit to it. When you came in here tonight, and you know what

fuck it no fuck it I opened my mouth when you came in here tonight you said that you had gone to the comedy store and that that that fucking talent coordinator

came up to you that fucking moron whatever his name is what's his name Tommy you know I was there with Corey

Cuomo I was there when Duncan was a town coordinator I was there with Kelly but I was also there with Scott Day who was probably the best talent coordinator that's who made me that's who helped who talked Mitzi until we're doing that.

One of the worst town coordinators that Comedy Store had was by the name of Tommy. And till this day, I don't step foot in the comedy store for various reasons. Well, he don't like me. He told people I wasn't funny, so I didn't really fuck with him no more. But number two, I'd started at the store,

and I told the story before I saw what Mitzi was about. And I saw Paulie Shore and that idiot that moved to Hawaii, tortured Joe Rogan one night. If I was drivet, it'd choke them both. But Joe's a great fucking guy, and he's got more control than I am. The thing that pissed me off the most about the store

was Tommy and a comedian named John Caparulo. And I'll tell, I don't give a fuck, okay? Let me tell how much of a pussy this kid is. He used to date this shame attach, and I canceled. I was supposed to do a club in Alaska, and I got a movie. And I sent Shane Attash, and some guy fuck Shane Matash so good up there that she put the guy's name on her pussy. That's a true story.

What? When she came back, you know that John Caparulo came after me and told me it was my fault that she went up there and sucked the guy's dick. I knew John Caparulo when he was an open mind. guy. He was a great kid. And once he started getting funny, he thought he was fucking cool. And he stepped up to me one night with Tommy telling me that when Joe Rogan came back from the Menza Comedy Tour, the only did with Charlie Murphy and that he wasn't allowed to do 40 minutes no more. I said, don't tell him, me, tell fucking Joe, you know, but that whole Joe, Carlos Menciar fight,

that was all started by Caparulo and Tommy. Until this day, I can't stand Caparulo. And I'm the type of guy that when I can't stand you, that's a bad situation when I can't Because he's the type of guy I might make him suck my dick one day. Just out of principle, I might see him smack him and make him suck my dick. Say things to him to convince him to suck my dick. Even though I'm not a fag, what are you going to do? I'll only be a fag in 15 years. I made a man suck my dick because that's not what men do.

But in my world, I want to humiliate that dumb motherfucker so much because he's a sack of shit pussy. And I don't give a fuck who tells him or who I'll smack you the fuck too. I don't give a fuck Chelsea Hamler comes and gets me, whatever. But it's so weird. You know, people come up to me now, oh, John Caparul, I can't. stand that motherfucker and I was his friend I used to talk to him all the time I was always great to him but here's a guy didn't get money and got cocky he got three things are funny all of a sudden he was bad to the bone he don't understand that the

school we're from we'll fucking mangle you well for you what I'm saying like we'll fucking mangling you so for you people who think he's cool whatever he's a little fucking cunt that's exactly it did when Shamer went up there and suck that dude's dick and she came back with the thing on her pussy yeah that's what uh he's calling right now no you're not calling him he was better than to call my fucking number. You know, Rogan still talks to him and Ari. I don't give a fuck. I don't talk to those fucking people. So that's how

I feel about Tommy and fucking, and I'll have Tommy lick my ass while Caparulo sucking my fucking pipe. How's that for you? That's what I think about the comedy star and Tommy and all that shit. If they rebut on me, I'll knock them both the fuck out. How's that one? Because Caparulo, I can't wait to get my hands on that dumb motherfucker.

I want him to make a mistake and say something about me. There's another motherfucker's on the list, too. I'm coming out like Godi in fucking 85. It's time. It's time. It's time. So that's how we're going to end today's fucking podcast. What do you got from me?

You said that, you bad motherfucker you. Just the stuff, just the awesome people at Hulu Plus. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows. Anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or JoeyDiaz. And click on the Hulu Plus banner. And also, don't forget to sign up for $1.

Shaveclub.com. You'll get high-quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. We love these guys and you will too. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to

Joey Diaz.net and click on the dollar shave club banner. Most importantly, have a great fucking day and tell them all to suck your dick. Stay black. Hit it me. Oh shit. The song went away. You fucking broke.

You broke black stuff.