The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 08/26/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #107

Episode Date: August 26, 2013

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Or just go to Joey Diaz. and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's that motherfucking day. Guess who's knocking, bitch? Life, cocksuckers. The church of what's happening now.

My main man, Lee Syatt, the Flying Jew, a little fucking Sabbath fee on a Monday morning. I love this shit. When I'm not down, but when I was really down, this is what I listened to every day. That's a fucking reminder that you've got to go out of it. You got to go out there.

The truth is out. The lies a row. All right. Stop with your bullshit. It's over. That's two scams didn't work. Get a gun and shoot the motherfucker. That's it.

Nobody's going to let you know, all right? You got to go out there and find out the reasons why. What's the story, dog? Nothing. I'm fired up today. I ain't got time for fucking fricking frack. Frick and fucking frack. Frick and fucking prack.

This podcast also brought to you by On it. That's what's got me going. fucking bananas lately. Really? Yeah, those packs, man. Those packs are great. I got to fucking hit Aubrey up to send me like 18 more.

Yeah. I'm ready. I like them in the morning. And you've been flying a lot too, so that's usually when you have the joints and the, like, you're getting sick every once in a while. No, I feel good.

I feel good. You know, I didn't sleep Sunday night. You know, you do a Saturday night. You get off stage at 12. You talk to people till 1. You get back. I was watching something on TNT. Put Marky Walberg

was stabbing somebody in the neck And fucking next to you know, the phone's going off in my room. It's four in the morning. I got up at four in the morning to fucking fly. And I get the upgrades for first class, like a soldier. I've got on the last three weeks from American Airlines. Shout out to American Airlines. Give them a motherfucker.

Because you've got to fly a long time. You know, you fly a long time, and then they give you this gold status. And I'm like, Ari's got platinum. Ari's the real Pimp. Ari goes first class every fucking flight just for signing his name. Jesus. So that's when it pays off to be a Jew. You buy the cheapest motherfucking ticket.

He scares me, though. They always tweet about him with the TSA thing. That's going to blow up his face one day. Well, I'm going to tell you something that it was very disappointing to me, because you know I stick up with the TSA. This weekend in D.C. I told my wife was the worst TSA I ever saw my life. Was it structured because of D.C.?

No, it's, I don't know what it was from. I don't know what it was from. It was just fucking laziness. it seemed like people didn't give a fuck some poor old lady forget to put her water out and they're stupid to it. They don't read the signs. They don't fly a lot. Some people don't fly once a year. They don't know the fucking rules. So she left water in her bag.

And they kept saying, you know, bag check, line four, bag check, I stood there for 20 minutes. And I could see the guy putting his fucking gloves on, talking to some chick, taking four more steps, talking to another. the fucking guy, taking eight more steps talking to another guy. And, you know, I didn't say nothing, because I had plenty of time,

but it's, it's, that's when Ari would snap. That's when I'd snap. Like, what the fuck? 20 fucking minutes. Yeah. What the fuck? Really? You know? Well, that's, that's different. I'm, I just get scared when they're just, like, when they're just waving them through. And he told the story on his podcast where he said, like, one of the TSA

guys said, like, you have to listen to me. He said, you have to smell my fart, and he fart on the TSA guy. And I'm like, you're going to get sent to jail real quick. Ari is he's going to fuck with the TSA guys. They're going to ban him from fucking flying. And then he's going to be on a bicycle and a bus everywhere. It's going to be trained buses and fucking bikes

and see how he likes it then at 40. Right in a bike and a fucking bus to fucking Oklahoma or the fuck he's going next weekend. But besides that, let me tell you something. Washington, D.C. was an experience. You know, I hadn't been to Hawaii. I did it like Georgetown in 99 and 98. I bombed so bad.

I never figured I'd go back to Washington. in D.C. I can't see you fitting it in Georgetown. And it was beautiful. The campus, everything was beautiful. I was just thinking about going to school there with Patrick Ewing and all that shit, like whatever his name is.

Not Patrick E. Wasn't Patrick Ewing and I went to Georgetown? He might have him in Georgia. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's one of those fucking guys. And it was just very nice. And I ate dick, so I didn't go back. And then I went back, you know, this other manager used to book that improv.

He was trying to get me in as a feature act. And I think I was too dirty or whatnot. And then he called me. and I went and I'll tell you Thursday night was great Friday night was great Saturday night was great They're very A couple people came in not knowing What to expect

And I'm up there talking about mug and hookers And you know Some of these assholes and shit so you could see their faces Yeah he went to Georgetown But I was I'm always interested in this Because I'm a comedy fan first And I don't think people understand that

But like I love comedy But so when you go Like let's say you're going to a show Where like in San Jose where you know it's going to be all death squad people and you just want to go out and kill him. And then you go in and you look at the crowd coming in for like a Friday early show in Washington, D.C.

And you're like, okay, I'm going to start for a little bit slower. You're like, I just want to take them from the beginning and grab. Like, how, like, do you think about that? I got to take them. I got to take them down because if I start letting those ideas go. Like last week, I ate Dick at the Summer Jam, 94-9 Summer Jam. Okay.

I ate Dick. I lost the battle before I went on stage. Really? Yeah, first off, I was in Boston. When you're in fucking Boston, you're on high alert. You know what I'm saying? In your mind and your life, just because you're in fucking Boston. You're in the epitome of comedy.

So that Friday night, when I went to Boston, I should have done the 94-9 Summer Jam. I shot my load on Friday night. Okay. I had two shows at the Wilbur Theater. Yeah. You know, when you're in Boston, you're in fucking Boston, bro. And Boston, what it means to you, you know? Boston means a lot to me.

I would die if I bombed in fucking Boston. Like, I would die. I would really be heartbroken. That's Bernie Carball. That's Carlton Fisk. That's men. That's Dave Cowens. That's John Havlichek.

That's, you know, I can't think of the hockey guy. That's fucking, that's fucking, you know, Tom Brady. I'm bombing in front of them. Not that they're there. They're there in spirit. How can you bomb in fucking Boston? Can't fucking bomb in Boston. That's Andre Tippett, that lineback.

It was a black belt and karate. That's I'm representing. Oh, that's Larry Bird. That's white, black. I don't give a fuck orange. I'm representing Jojo White and shit, the Orange brother, you know, with freckles and shit. I'm representing. So when you go to certain towns you go to, so when I went to Boston last week with Rogan, I went bananas.

And he loved it because I go bananas in those stages, talking about the Aku, Aku, and Worcester and all this shit. So then the next day I got to take a, I got to go to San Jose. I'm going up in front of a yo, yo, yo type crowd. They're a little younger crowd. So in my head, I lost a battle. You follow me? I lost the war. But this week in D.C., I didn't give a fuck.

I was just excited to be in D.C. First of all, I thought I would see Obama's wife. So I always kept me out of number two. There was some fucking beautiful women in D.C. I didn't know what to expect. But the fucking black women were banging. Big, healthy. I saw one at the airport that I almost fucking tackled.

Really? Yeah, and I don't know if she was the mom. I didn't figure it out. I couldn't figure it out. Just beautiful black women, man. They're in D.C. Then the fucking club The club was spectacular

The club is this tiny A little club But perfect on both sides The stage It's low ceiling I love all that shit The smaller the better I like more intimacy

I don't ever want to play a fucking theater It's too rough I can't I don't have the patois It's too rough I like small I want them to see my nuts at I want them to see me sweating

You know I'm saying They know I'm running commando When I jump up and down You know my legs are I did a happy baby on stage. And my fucking leg is, I don't know if it was that. I worked out when I was there. But it was just, I had a great time.

The fucking staff was great. Nice. The little black doorman, the glasses, Tim, that was fucking cool as shit. You know, I got to see Shabuti. I got to see Joel from iTunes. That's awesome. And serious, I got to see, you know, it was just great. Tanya Messina came.

Lisa Messina's girl that I grew up in the documentary. Yeah, how cool is that? My sister came. And I'll tell you who came. My nephew came. Which one? Mike Ronnie Jr. The first one used to call me

Stupid Coco when he was a little tiny boy two years old old. He called me stupid Coco? All the time when he was a kid. I'd kick him. And at that time he'd have like a Siamese cat and he'd have his pacify in his mouth. And I was staying with him.

In 1994, I was living with the Runnies. I had gotten divorced and I had no money. And Mike's my brother. He gave me a plane ticket and I stayed with him and did some comedy and got a job driving a limo. but I could stay there until the wife had the baby I was on the couch in the living room and the little

the son was like maybe three maybe four little Mikey and I play with him and babysit him and when he'd walk by you'd walk by you'd walk by you tackle him or whatever I'd always kick him and look at him and he'd go to the bathroom and now he's a fucking

a guard at a prison really yeah and he's big and he's beautiful and it was this year the runny kid all came to see me. All the runny kids came to see me. I can't describe the feeling to you. I called Joan yesterday.

The girl in the dock, and I said to a Joan, as of yesterday, all the kids came to see me. She goes, they love you. They love you. And I love you. And I love them. These are my nieces and nephews, man. In reality, I go, think, Joan, 30 years ago,

we were snorting Coke in the basement, I never said to you, in 30 years, your nieces and nephews are going to come see me, I didn't fucking know. I didn't fucking do comedy. But it's just, that was great. That was fucking ate the best chicken terriaki ever in Western D.C. Fucking tremendous.

Oh, my God. You know why I used to eat good chicken terriaki in Seattle? That's the only thing I'm going to miss about Seattle. Oh, there's a lot of Asian people there were. I would fly back to Seattle right now to get a certain chicken terriarchy they used to make. I get a salad with it, the extra big salad with that chin-chin juice, that fucking abdressing they put on it. It was brilliant. I could even eat like a little piece.

I could eat two chicken breasts, a half a chicken. I don't like the chicken terriacie sauce. I don't, I just like it. I just like it mild on the chicken breast. I don't put it on the rice. I put the fucking spicy red sauce on the rice. And I mix the chicken up. I get the salad, fucking big glass of water.

Forget about it. But yesterday in D.C., I did it Thursday, Friday, and Saturday had the, I had like six pieces of super white tuna. Ooh. And then I fucking backed it up with a chicken terriaki for dinner. How much did you fart on the plan here? No, I was, my ass was great this weekend. For breakfast, I had yogurt. You did sushi three days in a row and you didn't part?

No, no, no, no, because I keep it light. Who am I, my jacques storm? I'll eat a whole fucking fish. You don't need a whole fish. People go, they eat sushi, they eat ten fucking fish. You're going to fucking part mercury and fucking ink and whatever else is now goddamn water oil. I was watching an interesting documentary.

When you were a kid, you don't remember the Valdez incident in Alaska. You do remember. I know about it. Fucking how much oil was dropped into that thing. Oh, my God. Then the one in Louisiana. Eventually, those oils had a fucking meat, and we're drinking them. Oh, yeah.

You know, it's a small percentage, but we're fucking drinking. I mean, really, shrimp since the New Orleans thing. Really? Yeah. I mean, I have a little bit, but, I mean, you have to imagine that you're getting a lot of your shrimp from there. Or it's coming from Thailand, and that's weird, too. But I don't know. It can't be good.

Let's talk about something very interesting. The last two years have been great. You know, the last three or four years with podcasting, and I got to meet you. We did videos and CDs and Testicle Testaments, and we tour. And, you know, now we're doing this podcast, and Beauty and the Beast is fucking done, and we're doing this, and we do a live podcast. And it's been fun. You know, it's been a lot of fun.

It's been a ride, and you overlook things. You know, I've gotten married. My marriage has gotten strong. I've been married for a long time. The baby, you know, Finney died. There's just a lot of things that go on, and you overlook certain things. The last two months, three months, and every city I go to, every time I do a show, some guy comes up to me

very nonchalantly he'll go where's Lee Lee Leeland that fucking Jew or whatever that fuck day going like oh he stayed home I got him working he's my bitch fuck that cock sucker you know I'll just say yeah and I'll tell him the truth like oh he's fucking you know editing you know he can't come to all the weekends

and at one point they turned to me and they go listen bro you know we you you bust his balls a lot but we love what you've done with him you know and uh I sit there And I go, I haven't do nothing with them. You know, what the fuck are you talking about?

And then it got worse. People come up to me and go, man, where's fucking Lee? He's going to take a fart to the face. And you know how they get crazy. You've seen it. They get crazy. And then they calm down. And they go, listen, man, I have an older brother.

Thank you. Thank you for what you're doing with Lee. And, you know, this kept going on. But this weekend in Washington and at the live podcast last time, you know, you were talking to somebody. You were talking to your girlfriend. And some guy came over, a random fucking. Chubby little Mexican. He goes,

look at fucking Lee. He goes, six months ago, the guy wouldn't fucking talk, hey? You know, and again, last night, I'm on Facebook,

and I see a picture. You and this girl, and I look at you, and I go, look at him. He's fucking sitting there. How many hot dogs are G? Only one.

They were grilled. They're not steamed. It wasn't, I actually want to talk about this. You see, you were to hear shit. Hold on. Hold on.

Oh, Lee, I'm very proud of you. Thanks. You know, Lee, when you did the podcast, you said to me,

I'm not going to talk. No, I didn't want to. I always wanted it to be like, to be like one where you were just talking. I wanted to do it just because I thought it would be good for you, but I didn't want to talk at all. Like when you said the other day, you should do stand-up, I'm a thousand percent serious, and I have no interest in doing that. You don't have to be serious. I just want you to try it for three minutes because it's going to take you somewhere different in your life.

Oh, no, but what I meant why I said that is because I have no, even before, I have no interest in being on stage. Like, I don't, like, that's not my personality. I like doing the tech stuff, and I'm, I'm a fan of this stuff. But when you, when you said, like, you're going to have a mic, I haven't, I couldn't even, I can't even bring myself to listen to the early ones because I'm sure they're garbage, just for what I was saying. But it's, uh, it's been crazy over the past, like, seven or eight months. It's, uh, it's great to see people get pushed sometimes.

I never push nothing bad on you. You know, we've been partners in this since day one. I just, uh, except maybe the edibles. I fucking remember, like, the first three weeks around you, like saying something looking at your face, how off-color your face would turn. I remember in New York,

and New York was where I really got to see Lee when I just, you were hilarious. You know, you were just, when I gave you the banana that night and we got lost and I was yelling at you, you motherfucker, it's because of you. And your face was red. At the same time, I'm hurting your feelings, but you're howling.

I've seen anybody do something. someone like you're like I've been looking at the map and you're fucking giggling I'm like never in my life has somebody insulted me and giggled at the same fucking time so let's tell the story it was 4 a.m. He gave me

fucking banana bread after we shot it like the documentary in one day. He grew up there he's like all right I know how to get to JFK at 4 in the morning he like hands me a map he's like I don't know how to get to JFK we drove around he's driving through toll booth eight times asking the guy, he's like, we're going to miss a

fucking flight. And like, it was just, it was the craziest thing I've ever been through. You grew up that, he did not get to the airport. I didn't, I grew up in fucking Jersey. I know how to get to Newark. I don't know how to fucking get to Kennedy and LaGuard and all that shit. But it's just weirdly that you've, you know, man, life is great.

Life is great. Living is great. It's what society lies to you about and what you think your belief should be. all that shit. That's what sucks about it and how we have to find out and that hurts our feelings. You know, like a lot of things with me, like I fucking, I get ashamed sometimes. Like when I first, all jokes aside, all fucking, you people are not going to believe this. The first time I went to an airport and I got through the big machine that you put your hands up through. Yeah. With two joints under my left nut was the saddest day in the world.

Yes, I giggled and we made a joke about it because if you could sneak two, joints under your nutsack. You know what I'm saying? I'm that type of person that I did not like to see. I don't want to see the other side of life. I never did. I don't ever want anybody to live the side of the life to see it. But you have to see it.

You know, you have to see it. You have to prove people wrong. That's what you living. Everybody's an artist. I hate that word because we do things in our own fucking way. You tie your shoes your way. I tie them my way, right? Yeah.

So it makes us, you know what I'm saying? But it's just amazing how when I first, met you, you had these thoughts in your head. I'm like, get them out of your head. Because the only way to live is to bend these fucking rules. Yeah, I was, I was petrified. Like, I was thinking

about it when you first wrote to me, well, I wrote to you on Facebook, but then you responded, and then he said, call, I must have spent the entire day just staring at my phone. And I was like, you did the thing you're famous for, where, like, you'll call, I'll call you or you'll call me. And two minutes into it'll be like, let me call you back in five minutes.

And I stared at my phone for, like, hours and he called me back that night and I spent like the entire time doing it and I remember before I met you like when I was in high school we had a restaurant and Eckersley was there and I was too scared to go up and ask for an autograph and I was like

petrified of it and the first time I met you and I was waiting for you to walk up my heart was like beating out of my chest like I just I get so starstruck I didn't like it was weird for me but then like after like the third time I'm meeting you like it's it's helped with other like other famous people

And it's weird how putting yourself through that. It's usually good. I mean, sometimes it doesn't work out, but usually it's good to push yourself. Listen, man, you know what the first rule of life? I'm going to try to teach my daughter is we all put our pants on one leg at a time. Even Jesus. Jesus, Roger Clemens, A-Rod, you know.

Yeah. President Clinton. We all put our pants out one look at a time. Don't buy down to fucking anybody. Yeah. You want to give somebody respect for something they've done that they've accomplished on a big side. I give it to them.

You know why I get nervous in front of? Who? Doctors. Really? Because to me they're everything. You know, they keep the machine going. That's why my blood pressure goes up, because when I'm around doctors,

I think they're going to find out what the fuck is wrong with me. Celebrities, I don't give a fuck about. Sports figures, Julia Serving. You know, somebody to me who's made something move forward, I respect, but I would never get ashamed to go up to them. I would never bother somebody. As a child, I never would, I seen Richard Gere out. I seen a bunch of people on the way home.

I should have said to them. No. Who the fuck of mind to say something to them? They're out. You know, I always thought different. But I see this changing, Lee, and it's amazing, even with this girl. How happy you look and how you went for it. And how, you know, we were talking about the Ashley thing before this.

And I was telling Lee that, you know, people really try to be cool in their lives. And when you get into a relationship, people really try to be cool. And people are cool, for the most part. But after, like, three or four months. your true feelings start to come out. You've got to tell people what you feel. It's very important that you tell them what you feel because it's not going to come back to bite you in the ass later.

If you think you're going to be able to deal with it, you're not. You're not going to, your first, listen, let's be honest. Your first fucking impulse, your first reaction, 90% of the time is the right one. When I dated Carol, I like Carol. I needed Carol. But she was a stripper. Guys danced with her. Guys touched it.

I didn't like it. When I didn't think about it, it was always. Okay. When I would go to pick her up and the one in Seattle, or one time I was a doorman and Aspen and she was a stripper downstairs, I was like, no. In the back of my mind, I always thought it was going to work, that I could do something like that. No, that's a pig fucking thing. You know, my wife and my girlfriend belongs to me. I don't want to see somebody else fucking my wife or whatever. You're into that shit. God bless you, whatever.

You know, but it was just, it's funny how this morning we're talking about Ashley and her brother's going to go. They went to the boss. game on Saturday and you went on Sunday with your girlfriend. I'm like, you know, I hate to tell you this, Leah Dayton, a Spanish woman, a Spanish woman that is going to law school, that has a little pride in her heart, that's come from nothing. Yeah. You know, she lives in the fucking hood, and she's in fucking USC.

I know people, I know white kids that have families with fucking benzos that can't get into fucking USC. This little Chicana girl from the hood got into USC, and she's into it. She's going to be a fucking lawyer. Yeah. And I goddamn right believe. She's going to be a great fucking lawyer. I could just see it in the rise.

You can tell when somebody means business. Let me tell you something. The last person she wants you talking to is Ashley any means. Yeah. Because they just don't like it. It just don't fly with them. Some people like that. Oh my God, let's go out of dinner with my ex-boyfriend, whatever.

You bring you... No, no, no, no, no. I can't sit there with the guy's dick you used to suck. You know what I'm saying? And you want to be comfortable in who you are. But that's who we are. You know, I dated Spanish women. You don't see me ending up with them.

I love Spanish women I love me some Becky Dominguez I love some girls that are around here right now I love Spanish women Yeah Would I fuck them I hook up with them Marry them

Not in a million fucking years Because they torture you to death Really? Love them Oh I love Spanish women But they torture you to fucking death You can't No no

They're fucking the real deal You know Ethnic women A nine of ten Are a little on the toughest side My wife is as tough as fuck You know my wife don't fuck around But

I date a Latino woman You know what got me left fucking back. That's what it got me. Left back in the fucking seventh grade. Who gets left back in the fucking seventh grade? I can see that though. She's a...

No, she's been great, and I was thinking about... She's like one of the first... I think when you're younger, you might put up with more. Like, she's, like, the first girlfriend who's, like, genuinely less and cares, and, like, we do stuff we both want to do. Like, did you ever have that when you were younger? Maybe just because I was more of a pushover, but, like, I had girlfriends who, like,

weren't always as nice, and, like, you just do what they, like... Like, you take shit because, like, it's a girl and you want to kiss him and stuff like that, but it's weird. Like, I don't know how to take her being this nice to me. She appreciates you. She saw who the fuck you were. You know, this podcast in my heart is a great podcast. If we just sat here and stared at each other, it would be a great podcast because of the savage, disgusting animal that I am and the sweet, vulnerable person that you are. And when people say, and I've always said that, when I first.

listen to the podcast three months ago when they, you know, you listen to it. You're from the fucking, I'm going off on you and you're very vulnerable. And people love that. People like that you open up your vulnerabilities. And that's what makes this podcast great. It's not my stupid fucking jokes. It's the contrast, you know? And she saw that from the beginning.

There's some people, brother, some women that want it so bad that they want that final wedding so bad with the horse. They don't see right. They see through everything. They're important things, you know. They just want to get married. They just want to move that step. They just want to be a princess, and I understand that. But sometimes women move too fast, and you end up fucking divorced.

Divorce is a two-way fucking street. It's not one person who's really bad. It just didn't fucking mess. You know I'm a honeymoon if it's going to work that. I knew on the fucking honeymoon with my first wife. I'm the fucking honeymoon. I snuck out to get an eight ball of blow. That's not normal.

Yeah. That's not normal. You sit there and look at your wife and you honor her or whatever the fuck you do. You rub her feet. You eat her ass. Who goes out to get an eight ball without your wife? That's a savage. That's crazy.

Oh, we went to a sex store this weekend, though. My first time we got, like, we got stuff. Like, I was like, I had never done that with a girl before. That's disgusting, Lee. You never went and got handcuffs with a girl? No, that's disgusting. I did it, like, the old-fashioned way. I bought them off a cop.

With the music. It's fucking Monday. Get your shit. It's fucking, get up, cock-suckers. We ain't fucking around. Get some oatmeal, some alpha brain. Bang one out in the shower. Get up.

Just think. Like, who's watching me today? Oh, my grandfather's fucking got my back today. Get out there. Do something. You know what I'm saying? It's a beautiful day to be alive. I want to be around.

Oh, shit. To pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart. What's the story, brother? You're not a sex to shop guy? Mm-mm. Like I think the one I went to like it didn't like Van Ackstrom-Nokes area

And I think they have the booth in the back because like some old creepy guys came back Like one guy had a cane And he just like he was like one of the guys who still pays to go look up for him And she was talking she was like oh she's like oh I'd been no one before and I had never been no one And we walk in and the Mexican guy mopped in the floor had the mask on like the surgical mask on The first person we saw when we walked in And like we were like we just walked in We got a couple things but like there were like three or four guys

Coming out of like the the porno booth area I think so You can suck their tithies for a dog No no I think it's just porno But it was a it was crazy because she got She got embarrassed real quick But I felt fine in there It wasn't that weird for me but just seeing like the guys still doing the porno booze

I was like oh my god And somebody went in there with a mop And cleaned up that old juice No, probably, but like the old, like it was an old Mexican guy Just like mop in the floor and he had a little searchable mask on Can you imagine? Can you imagine jerking off in a fucking boxing public? Can you fucking imagine what, where your diseases? I mean, I've wiped off.

I don't know if I worked off on a plane or something like that It was a lot of older guys. Like I imagine it were these guys who like couldn't figure out like internet porn or whatever But it was like older guys and one guy to cane it was it was a weird experience That's part of the whole patois that's part of the whole patois is driving over and jerking off in the box that's what gets them awfully

they could probably access porn just like anybody else in the country they fucking want to go out and whack off that's their night out they go get a yum yum donut they whack off in the box boom you're back and you watch Ray Donovan what the fuck you watch Dexter whatever the fuck it is there you watch that's crazy what happened last night

this game that you didn't I tried to tell you life has changed things have changed and we're very fortunate at one time or another to have gone to those baseball stadiums. I went to Fenway. Like in 85, 86, I got to see what those

animals were about. I went to Wrigley Field. Oh, I want to go to Wrigley. But then, you want to be a baseball thing, you go to stadiums and other things. What happened? Okay. Break down the fucking project. So I'm sure Fenway now isn't like Fenway back in the 80s. I know that.

But it's like when you tell her stories of you going to the Mets games with your mom and she's like, fuck you wump and all that stuff and you got to embarrassed. Like, that's what I'm used to. We went to the Dodger game, and it was fine. And in the stadium, like, I'm used to Fenway, and so the stadium was, like, a little bit vanilla, because it's just, like, kind of a

normal place. Like, it didn't feel, like, anything special. Beautiful. And it's a nice stadium. Yeah, it's for how old it is. I went there as a kid, so I'm 50. Yeah. So, I mean, it was fine, but, like, I was sitting there in the third inning. Oh, no, the first thing I know is which pissed me off was, like,

right when, like, when they were singing the national anthem, I looked around, the stadium was half empty. I'm like, where is everybody? And she's like, look, you can see the people still walking in. She's like, oh, they'll be here around the third inning. I was like, what? You can't show...

What do you mean you're showing up around the third inning? Like, Fenway's packed. Like, by batting practice, it's packed. And I was like, what's going on? And then around the third inning, it did kind of fill up. But then I was like, I was quiet. It was like people were watching a movie.

Like, the wave didn't happen. There was, like, one beach ball and then all the usher came and got it. I'm like, what is? No one's yelling? Like, the only people there who are young were Boston fans. It was like... It's fucking embarrassed.

How could I bring, like, you have, your daughter, like, if you brought her to that, like, you can't... You have to bring them to a game where people are yelling and screaming and people are getting in fights, and it's... That's half of the show.

It's, like, you can't go there and be quiet. It's amazing what's happened. It's amazing what's happened to people. Go to a little league game. I'm a little league games. You can't say, nothing to the kids no more either. You can't say, hey, he sucks.

Strike him out. Hit him with the heater. You can't say now that. You shouldn't know more the kid's baseball game. Well, I mean, I can kind of understand that even a little, even though I don't think that should be. But how could you go to a professional game and just, like, the guys behind us were lawyers having a meeting.

Like, it felt like it was like a place for people to, like, socialize. I'm like... Licket games are, too. And the phones. I didn't take my phone out like once. People are on their phones. I'm like, what's going on?

Like, that's the only time I'm, like, mad at phones. Like, I saw a couple, like, on Facebook. Like, why are you on Facebook for? Like, this is a baseball game. You know, listen, go to a UFC in Vegas. You know, fights start at 445. And those undercards are fucking great.

They give you free food to the game thing. In fucking Vegas, nobody goes to the two fights left. And those are expensive tickets. They don't give a fuck, but go to Milwaukee. Go to fucking Chicago. They're there before. They're outside fighting themselves.

They're out there 10 in the morning, fucking wrestling and throwing each other over fences. There was no tailgating. Listen, this is hobbyville. Oh, my God. This is hobbyistville. This is hot. This is the new society, where to be seen. What to do for the shortest amount of period of times you could tell people you were there.

Yeah, like they showed ice keep on this day. Yeah, they leave in the sixth inning. Yeah. They're not leaving the six days They can't walk her Leaving the six I go I'll tell you before the baseball

And listen brother I got ADD I'll watch this shit at home And I'll watch two innings So if I come to the game I'll give you four Yeah I can watch four

But I'll be there at 730 To stand up And national anthem That I don't understand How you're getting to the fucking thing late No no And it's with everything It's with fucking everything

But it's weird When you do a UFC in Vegas Or in L.A Or there was one of the place They're empty San Diego Go to fucking, you know, Alabama, what the fuck. Go to Texas.

They're there three hours before. This is their week. This is their year. You know, it's amazing how spoiled we are. Look at those Laker games. You see people that go just to be seen, bro. They don't like basketball. They don't even know what the fuck's playing.

They're no dick. Why would you waste a fucking ticket? I might as well buy it and give it to two fucking kids. They're out there playing basketball all day. Their parents can't fucking afford it. Why would you waste your fucking time? Well, look at Ashton Kutche's at the thing with Milak Yunus. Who gives a fuck?

Who gives a fuck? You know? I went to the Laker game. It was fucking disgusting last year. Two fucking $300 a ticket. And I went and thank God, you know, that made me feel good with the fucking kids I took. But the rest of it, you're sitting there going, how could a fucking family of four come to a lake again? You know, these fucking basketball games I went to as a kid league?

Do you have any fucking idea how many concerts I went to? How many Sixer games and North Carolina games and NCAA games and NCAA games? and NCAA games, I had the pleasure of watching, I wasn't fucking rich. Now you gotta be rich to watch a fucking game. Absolutely. And it's a bunch of assholes that go for what? Everything's a fucking he-he-he-ha-ha-ha.

Stay the fuck home, you fake fucks. Go to one of those fucking ale bars. Oh my God. This ale is sensational. Get the fuck out of my face with your stupidity. I can't, I couldn't even imagine it. It's weak. Me?

Uh, what, Rob, uh, uh, the crazy fucking guy from Houston, Texas, I think John Westing, a bunch of us, and Bill Burr. This had to be eight, nine years ago. Pete had the clubs, though. We all went to a baseball game

in Houston when Roger Clemens was pitching. Oh, the Astros? Oh, the a fucking nowhere. Bill Burr just goes, what the fuck, peepa? Come on, let's go. No excitement here. It was fucking horrid.

It's a bunch of yuppies. They're just going, it's like, look, somebody was telling, oh, I met these fucking great twins. from at the improv. Two little black twins. One had a Spider-Man shirt on.

They love the church. They love Lee, the whole fucking thing. And they were saying that they were going to go to Vegas for Dead Squad the 28th. Okay. And they were going to go to Vegas and watch Anderson Silver and come to the comedy show at the Mirage.

They said they went online. The tickets for the UFC were $1,000. I go, listen, guys. The UFC from January 1st to December 26th is one thing. The New Year's show, traditionally. it's completely different. As a matter of fact, we usually get tickets behind the cage,

and it's such a different thing during New Year's Eve. We sit up in the top. Oh, really? Yeah, we sit up in the middle row. Still fantastic seats. It's a pleasure to get tickets. You know me, I'm always appreciative. But that's how different it is.

It's not crazy Puerto Ricans. It's not black people. It's a bunch of yuppies. It's a bunch of chicks with fake tits. Their husbands, they're all in their 40s. They're all in testosterone. They're all white belts in jihuts and jihuts. tailored pants and they go there and they sit there and they tell their wives

yes I could have been a contender you know but law school took up my time you know it's a yuppie fucking thing yeah they're thousand dollar tickets that's why the cards are never really uh on New Year's are never really Brazilian based oh really no they gotta be white it's got to be Chuck LaDelle it's got to be look at this same it's Rhonda Rousey uh-huh and it's Anderson Silver against Chris Weidman those those New Year shows they gotta be they're doing that Rematch already? Yeah, they're doing it

December 29th. Oh shit. Yeah, so those New Year shows are not Brazilian-based. They'll never be Brazilian-based. You'll never see Anderson. Anderson's on that thing because it's a rematch

and people want to watch it and hopefully they want to watch Anderson go down. The people that want to watch that, you know, with the American flag and all that, that's who's going to that. Yeah. You know, you follow them saying to you,

so it's a different show. I've been to those UFCs and I've seen who's in front of me that they're the ones that go to these fucking things. They show up for two. Two fights, the last two fights. You know, they just came from Oboo, whatever, some fucking restaurant.

Yeah. You know, it was, oh, my God, it was ravishing the smoke's nail, you know, whatever the fuck they were eating. Yeah. And then they paid $1,000 and they watched two fucking regular schmows who they know. And she, like I said, it's usually a fucking a white belt with a stripe or like a purple belt in Taekwondo that takes his girlfriend. And he tries to impress her that he knows the moves.

You see that move right there? I did that in class last week. You know, all that shit. And that's all it is. It's a different fucking clientele. Well, ever since you found out that Terry was pregnant, you kind of talked about, like, you wouldn't want to raise, like, your daughter here.

And I never really understood it. But, like, when I was at the game yesterday, I, like, I have such fond memories of Fenway. Childhood. And I'm like... You have to have a fucking childhood. I'm like, how could I raise a kid and bring a kid to a game, and they wouldn't understand?

Like, if... Like, I'm afraid if I bring the girls with... To Fenway, like, we go back to Boston, I bring her friend when she might pass out. Like, I can't even, like, how can you, like, live your life like that? Listen, man, I was very fortunate to have one thing. I may not have money. I mean, I have great looks.

I mean, I have a Maseroy. I don't even want that shit. I had one thing. I had a fucking childhood. My mother made sure until the age of 15th that I had a fucking childhood. I went to baseball games, but I also lived, and she was also very open in front of me. You know, the biggest topic today is bullying. How can that topic?

because it starts, you know, a couple weeks ago, fucking Dunkin hit it on the head. I ain't going to lie to you. I could tell you that I had been thinking about that for about a month because I had saw it. I see that airports. I see it how the parents are scared, so the kids are fucking scared.

Fear, you know, Apple don't fall far from the fucking tree, and I fucking see it. And I understand. Listen, I got that phobia now that I'm about to get bombed phobia. You know, you never know. You never fucking know. You're a UFC, you know, a sudden fucking some guy who says, fuck the UFC and pulls up.

fucking button and boom your fucking diaper rash you know whatever the fuck you know people are getting hit at fucking malls with cars outdoor malls that happened in venice last week you don't know you got to keep your fucking eyes open there's no one here not keep your fucking eyes open when you're out the thing in boston you got to keep your eyes open but you got to live your fucking life you cannot have fear i fucking lived as a kid and i tell people on this fucking podcast I tell people on stage, fucking live. Fucking live.

Who gives a fuck him. You don't need money to live. You don't need money to live. If the life you want. If you want to hang out with Kanye West, you need money. That's not what I'm talking about living. The living you could do with no money is amazing.

You know how I know? Because I did it for fucking 30 years, I did it. Yeah. Just live. When I got on a Greyhound bus and went from New York to Buffalo to do comedy, I was living, Lee. Mm-hmm.

I didn't. I was living. meeting fucking strippers that had syphilis and they were registered in Rochester, but now they had to go to Buffalo to beat the system for three days and make $400 to go to the doctor. I lived. You don't need money to live, bro. You don't need money to live. Trust me, I'm telling you. There's ways to do it to live.

You know what it is to wake up with $22 in your world and that's what you have for the day? No. And on top of that, I want to smoke weed. That's what I never understand. And I, like, when you tell those stories and you're like, all right, I got to get enough money for Coke. I'm like, wait, you're sleeping next to dog shit. Like, why not just hold off on the Coke for a few days? Because that's part of the fucking living.

You're living on a tightrope. But I'm not saying about Coke. It's got nothing to do with Coke or Riefer. It's just living. You don't need fucking money to live to at least have a small life, man. You know, there's programs you go. I used to do them all the time when I was kids. I'd go sign up and then fucking never go back when I was 24, 25 on how to be a plumber.

why to fucking be you know there's always something you wait and devry keeps his doors open you could go take a devry course and tell him the fuck off and you got bad credit for seven years but at least you're working yeah you know I'm saying you're working fuck them you understand me but you gotta fucking live man you know as a kid I went out that lived I don't have stories because I wrote these fucking stories I'm not fucking uh the guy that wrote Catcher in the Rye I lived that's it You know, when I went to a baseball game, I got a cheaper ticket and snuck down. Yeah.

You know, you lived, bro. You took a fucking chance. God damn it. You took a fucking chance. You know, Lee, you're dating a girl right now. She's a beautiful fucking girl. She's got a great out of the shoulder. She's not going to suck your dick unless you go up and ask her.

Yeah. Nobody's going to suck your dick just through osmosis. Nobody's going to come up to you and get on their knees and suck your dick. And that goes for him, nobody's going to suck your dick. Live. Go out there and tell her motherfucker. what you want living you don't need money bro no everybody want you know when you're in a hotel for three days you get stuck on keeping up with the Kardashians at some point you follow me

and watch it you know me i'm a fuck i like the little one the one the one with the two kids that little dirty whore that her husband had a finger up her ass on tm z and all this shit but uh you know everybody everyone wants to be her oh look how they don't live anybody go out and get fucked that's all she does she goes i can get fucked you go out and get fucked you go out and get Fuck, you got to live, bro. Yeah. And you go to those games now, and everybody's fucking scared. Everybody's scared to let people know what they think.

You know, we were talking about last week on the podcast. Was it us? What was that? Somebody else's podcast, when you see something and your stomach says it, says something. Yeah. By the time it gets to your heart and your brain it says something else because it gets to your heart and then your brain tells it the intelligent thing, but you caught yourself down here.

This is what you're really thinking. Yeah. You know, I was watching Major League, one of the greatest fucking movies of all times, still holds down without the makeup. Charlie Sheen, when he was Charlie Sheen, fucking the black dude before he went to jail, before he became a black vampire, Blade, whatever's fucking name is. Tom Berringer, who was always one of my favorites.

But there's a scene where Charlie Sheen pulls up in the motorcycle. And the coach looks and he goes, at this fucking guy. That's what you think. When you see a fat, yesterday I've seen a 400 pound dude tatted up. Something I can't stand.

And with another fat fucking chick, and she was tatted up too. So you spent all this money on tattoos to be cool. Not one dollar went to the gym. Not one dollar went to the fucking gym. You should go, what do you get a tattoo of a sandwich? Your fat fuck? The fuck is wrong with these people.

A fat fuck and get more tattoos. and the first thing you think about is that. Look at this fat fuck with the fucking tattoos. Yeah. But then as it gets to your heart, you're like, ah, maybe he's got to sleep apnea. Then it gets to your brain, and you're like, ah, he's a cool dude with a fucking tattoo.

You know what I'm saying? But in your stomach, you're like, look at this fucking fat fucking worth his cuck sucker. Yeah, and you were talking about it with me dating the Spanish girl that, like, people don't really say what they want to say at the beginning. And when you said that, I was like, that's essentially how you live your life. And it's probably toned down a little bit,

but you live your life with, what you, like, your first instinct is always what you go with. What the fuck are you going to do? What else do you have? You have nothing. You have nothing in this world, but your fucking instincts. But that's harder to do. Nothing. You've gotten good at it, but for people like me, it's always like the third ins, because you're not supposed to go by your first instinct.

Listen, man, at one point, you have to go back to your basics. And I hated that my mother died at that age, but today I'm very happy because she was creating something different. She was creating a soft man. She was creating... I don't know. I didn't like who I really was. And then I really didn't like who I became

after she died for a while. But there was always this glimmer of hope. You know what I'm saying? There was always this glimmer of fucking hope. And you... You know, comedy fucking saved me. You know that. I mean, I just did comedy until... For some people...

What's a DJ? For some fucking people. It's a DJ cocksucker. But listen, it's all started because of you. You've really come out of your shell and you see it for what it is. I mean, I tell my wife all the time, this motherfucker quits jobs and gets jobs like only I did at that age. I would tell something they suck my dick on a Tuesday and have a job by Thursday. A union job making 18 an hour.

And then I quit that a week later. And the whole time, I just wanted to be happy. Yeah. I just wanted to fucking do what I'm doing now, which is comedy or whatever the fuck it is, you know. Yeah, especially even this morning. I was like, what the fuck am I, like I was tired this morning. I was like, what the fuck am I doing waking up at 5 in the morning for this? But it's, like, I don't understand.

I don't understand it. And people who put up with it or stay at a job that's shitty. And I'm at a bad job I'm not a huge fan of. But it's a whole thing that we've talked about, about leaving your hometown. Like, I think people who like, because when they go back after college and live with their mom, it's like their moms are like being a parent again and they get you they turn into the people that were at the Dodger game last night

and it's a... I would hate to be a mummified person that would kill me more than anything in the fucking world to be one of those people at Dodger game trying to look cool trying to be somebody like to sit there and go look I got expensive tickets so I'm going to act with class

fuck you get up your fuck I just paid $2 a lot of free to strike out cock sucker how'd the Cuban do oh yes you'll puik I think he had like a hit or something Nothing that crazy. How did Dodgers look? To be honest, I can't really watch baseball on TV because it's boring.

Everything I hear is that they're great this season. How'd they look last night? You were there? Not good. I mean, they lost the last two to us, but it wasn't their best pitchers, so I'm sure they're okay. I mean, I honestly don't know. I just happy the Red Sox one. I'm fucking believable.

I haven't gone to a baseball game this season. It's breaking my heart, and I want to take my uncle. Yeah. But I went to, you know, I'm a fucking, I go to those, listen, if I take my uncle, I got to sit there for nine fucking innings. You know what I'm saying? So that's why I dread that shit. So I got to get like a group of us and have to have a comedy gig. But I really have to have a comedy show because I can't lie to him.

Oh, so you can leave? Yeah, so I can leave at the fifth inning, give him a kiss and a hug and get the fuck out of it. I just feel really fucking bad, you know. It's funny this morning when I got up, I got up Erxter early. You know, Gray sleeps with me in the room. Yeah. So Gray fucking, if I move my hand, she's just. starts playing with it in this whole night you know it starts biting it and then I get

involved and I look at the alarm that's 4.05 and I go fuck it I'm just gonna get up yeah so I made coffee and I was sitting and I was writing this morning I got up early nobody was up everybody was fucking passed out even the cats only fit came into torture me and I was writing and that's why I opened up with Sabbath bloody Sabbath because I was clicking music this morning I was listening to something and I saw Sabbla's Sabbath boy Sabbath and I clicked on to that was Monday I was doing something I was moving around so I want to listen to music So I said, let me just put that on so I can move around when I'm listening to this. I was putting paperwork away.

I was doing laundry. Not doing laundry. I was putting my laundry away. And I was into Sadd Bloody Sabin. I was remembering when I was 19. I would listen to that every day. And that was the reason why I listened to that song because of the lyrics. Because of what it was saying, that I was running out of time.

Mm-hmm. You know, I always felt like every day I feel like I'm running out of time. I always have anxiety. My anxiety is from time. You know, I always wanted to do a certain amount of thing in time. And it's scary to be your age, Lee. It really is, the things you've told me lately, like, I've learned so much from you. Like, the shit about college just fucking kills me.

Yeah, really affected you. You get upset about it. Oh, fuck. Oh, I couldn't imagine going to school for six years and not really holding up, you know, and then thinking about what to do with it going to service at this point. You know, like, I wouldn't know what the fuck to do. That's why I really, you're out here fucking making it happen in a way. And it's tough.

It's tough for me. It's tough at my age. I can't imagine 25, 26, and you're digging all this shit. Yeah, I almost had a panic attack at work because I got a new night person. And she came in, and I could tell she was a little bit older than me. And I was telling her what to do. Do you too? She was cool.

She called me, sir, and then she told me she was 40 years old. She could be my mother. And she called me. and I almost passed out. I'm like, don't ever call me to her. Like, she was 40. I'm like, holy shit. Like, that, like, it must,

is it kind of weird for you? Like, if you're a, if you're a younger comic, but let's say a comic who's older than you, but is behind you, like, maybe he's opening for you. Is it kind of weird? Like, you should be, like, ahead of me, and, like, don't, like, it's kind of, it felt weird.

How do you think it felt for me five years ago featuring for people? I was 45 years old featuring for, you know, You were featuring five years ago? Yeah, I was featuring, headlining, you know, still opening up with Joe. You know, I'll go out with Joe to the end of time. I don't care how good I get, because I know the experience. I know what he's trying to put together.

Yeah. I know what he's doing in his mind. And what he's doing in his mind is a beautiful thing that no other comic would ever fucking do. No other comic would ever do what Joe Rogan's doing in his mind, especially what we did in Boston when he took me and Ari. Me and Ari right now, talent-wise, and, you know, strength-wise were good. Yeah. You know, some comics don't want to follow that.

You know, if you don't like Joe Rogan on a personal level, that's one thing. But as a stand-up comic, you know, you have to respect them. Compared to all these other wimpy motherfuckers out there that claim to be bad asses, no. Joe's a bad motherfucker. As a stand-up comic, without the hair cut and all that shit, he's a bad motherfucker. Because I understand the vision he's putting together for people. And guess what? I just caught it last year.

And I had been friends with him for 15 fucking years. that's how retarded I am when it comes to comedy. So you live and you learn. The vision he sees on stage for us, and what he wants people to see is completely different than what I was seeing. A lot of people go up and say, both do you guys do 10 minutes.

He wants us to do a half hour. Not a lot of comics want to sit there for an hour and wait for nobody. But it makes him a caged animal. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like me putting you in a cage for an hour. Listen, I'm making you a steak with a lobster tail. I got lobster bisque,

and the chicks are going to suck your dick afterward. Only one thing. I'm locking the door and turning off the fucking lights. And then I'll come and blow fucking the steak powder through the smell of the fucking onions through the thing. He has a vision for people

when they come to the show. And that has never... I always understood the comedy process as a whole as an MC what I wanted to do. But I never understood what he wanted to do. Me, if it's up to me, I'll no disrespect for him. I'll do 15 minutes.

Like the second show in Boston, it started late. Joe went long and Ari did a little long so I only had 15 minutes Joe would have had 55 minutes before the 12 o'clock curfew We had to pay a fine I went up there and did 30 minutes and 15 I did the Liberace in like two minutes

And I hated doing it but I wanted to get it out there Yeah do you know what I'm saying And after that when he came back And we hooked up that night and we spoke We spoke of the vision he wants For the next couple of years through Dets Squad That he goes after they see us I want them to go and look at another comic

And say what the fuck is this What the fuck is this, which is a beautiful fucking thing. Yeah. You actually tweeted about that. Something special happened, you said like Death Squad isn't fucking around anymore? No, we're not. What not? Did you see something?

Just that night. Well, I felt them watched in D.C. I saw something this weekend that was really, I saw something different in people. Like the people came up to me and said, hey, brother, thank you for Lee. You know, it became something different this weekend. It wasn't about the jokes or kids. killing or not killing or tickets. It was about really talking to people,

different type of people, people who I never thought would listen to what the fuck I was saying. People who are intelligent, people who have lives and jobs, that maybe everything's going great, but maybe something on the inside isn't ticking. And by listening to us breaking this shit down, it fucks them a little bit. And I'm really, I was really impressed this weekend.

But I'm really impressive with the people saying about you. So that means a lot, though. You're a, there's weed everywhere, Lee. The fuck, don't you smoke weed? cuck suck I leave your weed here look at this shit you don't leave shit you leave a lot of roaches you take that big stuff home this butt right here Lee

you take this butt you can do this two things with this you could roll this you can put this in a pipe you can stick this up your little tight cool up all three fucking ambulance you're going to be fucked up right there there's a joint right here look at this joint right here and listen to this people

you hear that that is a fucking container ooh filled with roaches that if you pop these and put these together you get one of those big cheating chung joints and it's all low but the shout and trust me what I'm saying to you know what I'm saying and let me give some shout out to you because we had no call today Shabootie who I love the staff of the DC improv my man chef Dave my man Mike the cat he's been sick he's a cat that listens to the podcast he's sick I met some light skin

brother Malcolm Riddle that was cool the fuck Jacob in Sweden and all you motherfuckers struggle. Listen, we're going to be at the Ice House Wednesday night this Wednesday. A live podcast. And for you, New York motherfuckers, Friday the 13th at Gotham Comedy Club, I'll be there ready of fucking right. Whoa. That's another cool club. Yeah, it's very cool. I got to tell you something before I forget. And you got to go to Joey Cocoa Diaz. Dunn. I got to tell you something before you forget. What's up? So last night, I, uh, I didn't get headaches. Wild headaches. That's, I haven't heard you talk about that. That's new. Yeah, I got a headache like last week. and the other night before I went to bed

I had a little migraine I had to jump in the shower and take two of leaves or two Advils so last night I answered the emails and I had to do some writing and I did so I went to the living room and I was watching talking to my wife and I came back I clicked Yahoo

and I wanted to see something on the UFC who else was on that card and I saw something about Miley Cyrus did you see that? I didn't see the thing that happened last night I wouldn't watch the fucking VMAs if you fucking paid me I know that's retarded.

But I couldn't believe the amount of people who were on Twitter and Facebook talking about it. So before all this, I knew about it. I went to Yahoo, and I clicked on, and people on there talking about Miley Cyrus's performance, that it was sexual. I didn't know what it was. I clicked on the YouTube, not the YouTube link,

but whatever link Yahoo had. Yeah. She had like little mousies on with this little outfit. I love Miley Cyrus. I love Miley Cyrus since fucking Hanna Montana. You have? Oh, fuck you. I watch Hanna Montana.

I love that little show. She's cute on that. She's cute little girl. She's funny as shit. It's a stupid show, but there was two or three episodes I saw on the road. I was dying.

I was fucking dying. The one when she does the weather and she's crying is fucking hilarious. But she's dancing around with that skinny suit on with that little pussy. I couldn't believe how skinny her little monkey was. That's a little girl. She's a young fucking...

She didn't even have to meet on her twat yet. I fucking went to Facebook a couple minutes later to check the messages on there because I thought I was going to get a message from this guy and fucking... Everybody's talking about, you know, the VMA is how they suck. And I put down, I was in shock. I was in shock.

And now this morning when I woke up, everybody's pissed off at it, right? Yeah, Will Smith and his family. Oh, really? Yeah, like, fuck them, you know, who the fuck are they? But still, I mean, they're all pissed off because her performance is so sexual or whatever. What the fuck happened? She's like 20, isn't she? She's engaged.

Tell what does that mean? You can shake that skinny ass. You don't even have an ass. So is that way? I felt so bad. I felt, she's crazy. that reef is killing it she's got to stop going

to fucking divine wellness It's uh No that that music video is Have you seen the video where she's like bending And then twirking and yeah It's kind of it's crazy I mean I don't really have a problem With the sexual part

But I just think she's crazy I didn't like her like that I don't want to see a shaking a little bony pussy like that I don't want to be Miley fucking Cyrus You know what I don't know Those days are gone Damn

Why do they always go to that shit I don't know Are you worried about that Having a daughter obviously she's probably not going to be like a music superstar doing that sort of stuff but like are you thinking about that? I can't let my daughter end up on a stripper. You know what I think about everything.

You always think about all that shit. You know, I'm not just my daughter. I got a 17-year-old niece that's fucking beautiful in Tennessee that's dating some kid. I got a six-year-old beautiful Filipino niece here. My little Jade, who I love to death. And I look at it and I go, Jay's going to be a killer. I got fucking Stevie Lynn.

I got my, uh, Kelly. I got her little. sister. I got, you know, my friend's kids, their daughters are my nieces. Yeah. Fuck yeah, I always worry about them. Do I worry about them? Fuck yeah. You know, I would hate to get a call from one of my friends saying, dog, my daughter.

Are you fucking kidding? I worry about my daughter. Jacqueline. I worried, man. You always got to worry about this stuff. But, you know, I look at my baby now sometimes, and I got to be honest with you. Since the time, I was four, I was always told that my father watched over me. You know,

and I've had my father's friends came to me, and talking and they'd say listen I don't want to sound cliche your dad and you were tight and even my uncle who doesn't have a kind word to say even about my mother his sister says let me tell you someone that came to fucking dudes your dad was a bad motherfucker

once you were born you could see the change he goes it was it was he was working just for you and he was always with you and it was just really weird so I see my daughter and I was a little baby and I asked myself you know what? It wouldn't shock me for any fucking day. I got up one morning all excited, uh, fucking smoke the joint. My heart went off the rails and I got a heart attack. I want,

you know what I'm saying? It would be a shame. I love to live to be 85, but you have to, anything could happen in this life. I woke up last morning to this kid fucking icing himself down the block from my house. Yeah. 20 fucking years old. You know, anything happens in this life, you know? And you worry. And I always think to myself, you know what, man, the same people who watched over me. I hope they watch over these people. You know, I had Anthony Bousano watching over me.

I had a bunch of fucking people, so I'm very lucky, man. Yeah. Watch over you? I don't know what that means. Maybe they send messages to your ears. Maybe they tell you to make a left.

Maybe they tell you to go home. They tell you a lot of fucking things. Do you believe in that? Like your father was watching over? Yeah. Watching, watching over again? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I would think of how you feel. Think of how you feel if you fell down right now and you were breathing and you were here by yourself. What would be the last thoughts on your mind? Would it be a fucking juice, kale drink? Would it be the Boston fucking Red Sox?

Or would it be the people you love? That you had to go meet Joey at 12, that you had to go home to see your mother in Boston, all these things that you had. Let me just do them one time, God. Let me just do this one fucking time, then you can take me. But now he takes you.

What do you think you feel like? You really think you die? Do you really think when I die, my spirit is just going to die? die, that's it, that I'm just gonna fucking lay on that floor and die. Well, that's what I was thinking about. When you said people were watching over you, I don't know if your spirit, but like the, when you said like, you had Anthony Belsano watching over you, like, I think it's more like, since they had an impact on you, you live

your life thinking about them. Like, I don't know if, well, that, like, I don't know if like, your specific spirit, like, lives on. But like, God forbid, when you, if you pass, let's say in 30 years you pass away and I have a kid like I'm gonna live my life thinking like the way like I'll be like I can't sit here like I'll think about you yelling at me if like watching a game

instead of being with the kid or whatever It's true. Like it's hard to imagine like I don't like thinking about it like like whenever we talk about your mom passing away it makes me think about my mom eventually and it's gonna kill me but it's uh like it's hard to imagine like you

especially just you because you're so crazy like your spirit going away like you're just so like loud like out there you know you think about people you think of certain people yeah you know they're not fucking dead dead and physical there's certain people that you know when they died they're not fucking dead

there's no way that person is still here number one Darren Reagan till this day I never believe that kid died I don't care what they told me New Jersey I don't care who went to the fucking lake I don't care because I knew that kid I knew that kid I just know they took him somewhere temporary. That's how I think in my mind.

I think they take them somewhere temporary. And I know in my mind I'm going to see him again, which is scary. You know, I was just coming up the stairs. Yeah. I was just coming up to elevator. And it was dark out. When I left this one, I was thinking about Fernie. For some reason, I was thinking about a friend of mine,

Furni Bossa Sudo, who never spoke again after 8-19. Who the fuck knows? I still think about Fernie. In the back of my disgusting mind, I still think that I could catch a plane someday, and I'll bump him to Fernie. Yeah. You know? So for me, it's a real thing.

Like, for me, Dominic Special, I know Darren Regal, I didn't go nowhere. For me, for fucking Dominic's sister to pop into my life 20 years later and to talk to me once a week and somebody just saw her on a psychic show. This death of her brother fucking kills her too. And for her to call me at times

and go, hey, I had a dream about my brother that he asked for your book. You know, me and her brother were tight and we were kids. And we got disconnected by a dumb thing. It was a weed deal. Then he died. We were on the house when he died over this weed deal. It wasn't that we were on the house.

We were still friends. It was one of my first street disappointments. He did something. Somebody robbed my house. He found out about it. He couldn't say nothing to me. He was caught between a wall. He couldn't say something to me.

When I found out that he knew, I couldn't talk to him again. But eventually, I would have talked to him. We had gone through too much together as kids. Yeah. It wasn't that I wasn't talking to him. We just weren't what we were. Mm-hmm. You know?

And then he died, which is also... So that's another lesson I fucking learned, you know? So, uh, I just... I've always felt that. And especially, damn. Listen, man. Let's tell you something. And I know you've watched these TV shows and people say it all the time.

I'm not even going to say it. I'm not even going to say it. You know, most people, you know, most people... I'm lucky to be live. I've been in a bad situation. Let me tell you something. I've been in a... crazy situation.

And I know that something. You know, I was friends with a guy that I talked about very seldom that wanted to rob a bank on Christmas Day. I'll tell you this story. It doesn't sound like a lawyer. Crazy white dude in Colorado.

Solid. Solid. Solid white motherfucker from Norfolk, Virginia. Solid. Six foot two, 260. Fat, big, smoke cigars. Didn't smoke weed. Vietnam.

That fucking ace, fucking mechanic, ace mechanic. I mean, this guy could think of what, he could just listen to you. He would listen to your car and tell you what was wrong. Go here, boom, boom. I mean, he was just an ace mechanic, but his specialty was debt and blowing up shit. Was he one of the guys that he went to when you're like your ex-wife and her boyfriend? Yeah, that crazy. No, no, no, no, no.

Those were the Vietnam vets in Boulder. Oh. This was the first guy I became friends with that I didn't really know his background. Okay. I knew his wife. And his wife used to come over to my house to get high with my, they all work together. With my roommate and his girlfriend, they all worked together. They would come over.

I used to start to talk to her. And she took a liking to me and she goes, you know, do you want to come home for dinner? I think my husband would really get a kick out of you. You know, and I still are going over there, and we started watching movies, and they turned me on to cigars. And then one day we were watching Scarface. And we were talking about weapons. and he goes, hold on one second, he goes, wait a wife goes to sleep. So he went another room,

he moved over a couch, and under the couch he had a safe. And he opened up that fucking safe dog, and it was everything you ever dreamed of. From the fucking arrows, he had everything, explosives, bombs, C4. I mean, this guy was a one-man-wrecking fucking machine. Jesus. And he was a mechanic, and you wouldn't know it.

You know, that he was on, he would talk to me, and then one day he asked if I wanted to learn to shoot, and he, He fucking broke me down from A to Z. He taught me how to shoot, how to off balance. I mean, this guy was fucking badass. So I opened up to him, and I told him, listen, I want to get into the robin. Teach me about safes and blowing them up and this and that.

Now, at this time, I knew that if you rob something, you took the safe home with you. In the movies, they always show you breaking into the safe day. You take the safe to go. So you have time to do whatever you need to do, you know, especially if you don't know what the fuck you're doing. Yeah. And he taught me a lot of shit with his name. main thing that he taught me was weapons.

He knew everything. He taught me little things that I never even dreamed of. Never even dreamed of. And it fueled my weapons. At that time, I was a big weapon guy. I wanted to shoot people. I wanted to be a tough guy. I needed a weapon. I needed to know. I wanted to go back and kill my stepfather everybody he was involved with.

You know, and this guy just fed my fucking, he fed that void. Yeah. And I would sleep over on Friday nights. And on Saturday, we'd go fucking shoot for 10 hours, man. Oh, yeah. Every weapon. Wow. But then he opened up to me, and he goes, this is what I want for me.

I want backup. I want you to fucking rob the bank with me on Christmas Day. He goes, you're going to net this. I got two other guys, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is crazy. And he had a plan to rob the Aspen Bank the day before Christmas when all the money was in there. Or the day after Christmas.

That's what it was. The day after Christmas. It's like going to take the Yankees' Red Soxie. game. Yeah. You know, it's a gold mine in there. So why didn't you do it? I didn't do it because I was a pussy.

But something had happened. I went back home. That's what happened. Did he try it? No, he didn't try it either. Okay. We were all like a foursome. The plan had broken apart by one of the security things he had.

He had something in place, but the guy lost his job. So that's how it fell through. Okay. Even things like that. That's what I mean. That sometimes I was, I've never. never been put in a bad position. Bro, this time people come and get you.

You get in a car. You're in a car with three thugs. You don't know what's going to happen. That happened to me 15 times before I learned my lesson. And they're talking about going to do this. They're talking about going to do that. You ever see Bronx tale? No, I've heard of it.

At the end, that's how they're going to go get fucking these black kids on the side of the Bronx. And something makes them get out of the fucking car. And the three kids get shot or something. I don't know the ending, but that's what I'm talking about. You're going to go, bro, come on. You got to go over there with them. The next thing, you know, it's very interesting that one of the things I learned about my father, how he died. And one of the stories that went around it, my mother told me a story that he had died of a heart attack.

And then I went to Miami to stay with this guy, Rodolfo Castro Young. I would do it every summer. And every summer, you know, for two days, we'd be really cool. And on the third day, he started drinking. He always drank. He owned a construction company. He was a millionaire. He had grown up with my mother and father in Cuba.

My mother was godmother to their daughter. And he was like a pseudo godfather than me. I had a godfather that blessed me, but he was supposed he was doing time. Something happened. And Rodolfo was very good to me. I still keep in contact with the kids. And one thing led to another, and he told me a story by mistake that he wasn't supposed to tell me. And the story goes like this, that they were partying.

He goes, at the time, he goes, I don't know if you know this. your father had the bar on 29th Street. And when my mother, the first real house I remember, I always lie about this, not because I lie, but because I forget. Like after my dad died, we lived on 205 West 808 Street and then 89th Street. But in that process, when I was three to maybe four,

we lived in a house on 29th Street and maybe like New York Avenue and Jersey all the way. No, the other way. I forget. You know, it doesn't really matter. It was like two and a half blocks from the bar. And next to us lived Radalfo. And I remember that Radalfa was an eccentric guy at the time.

He bought me a car. Like he used to always go to California. He was one of those Cubans to get weed. And at one time he bought one of those little race cars in the street. In 1966. And I had this little race car that my mother left there. They were furious about it for years. They had so much.

They left this fucking race car in Jersey when they moved to New York. And if Radalfa was still alive, he'd still say, I can't fucking believe your mother left. They cost me like four fucking thousand dollars. You know what $4,000 was in 1966 and all this shit? So the story was like this, that my father had the bar. They had the restaurant, and now they opened up this bar. And my father was a committee man.

They were rocking and rolling, and they were doing blow. But at the time, earlier, years earlier, my father dabbled in heroin. They sold heroin. That's how they made their bulk of their money. Because there was Spanish people who were moving heroin for the Jews. and the Jews couldn't do the contact with the Spanish people so my father was that intermingery. I found that about this shit later on in my life

with the heroin. This is how they made millions in the 50s and early 60s. We talked about the book, The Pleasant Avenue connection. Yeah. That the book that they talked about the Cubans and it was all Jews. The big Jew, they worked out of the Stage Deli.

Someday we'll go to the Stage Deli. Wait till you see those fucking sandwiches, though. But the Stave Deli has been there since Jesus Glass Chicago. I didn't know this while I was growing up. I found about this years later that my father was involved in this. But at the bar that night that was celebrating and there was Coke

and there was some of the people there from the heroin days. But there was this guy, Rodolfo Castrión. And Rodolfo was a businessman but he was also a drug dealer, killer, slash whatever at the time. And he didn't want to go out that night.

That February 26th, my father's birthday, he didn't want to go out. He had something the next morning that he had to be there early. So he didn't want to fucking go out at all. So they kept calling, going to Rodolfo, come down for one fucking drink. He kept saying, nah, I want to go down there. I got to do this thing tomorrow. I got to be bright and early. No, I went out last night and then before. And they kept torture him at one point of night. My father does the Coke. And it was real heroin and he dies

from an overdose. He has a heart attack or whatever. His brains are coming out of his nose. They keep calling Rodolfo. Come down here. Man, he's dying. He kept saying, nah. You guys are just fucking torturing me. Oh, God. You guys just, and they're like, hurry up, he's dying, seriously come down. He said he turned the phone off and went to sleep. And the next morning he woke up to knock saying he died. And he goes, I never forgave that. Like, I never fucking, I could never understand that, you know.

He goes, till this day, I never forgot that feeling of not helping somebody. You know, like, just, so it's really weird how you live your life sometimes. You don't know what the, I don't even know what the moral of the story was. Well, I said this, I'm fucking high. Yeah, you were talking about just Like the guy in Denver The guy who was the The mechanic

And you were just The weight like Oh, you said you shouldn't be alive Like you've done crazy things Yeah Like that's how you opened it up Fuck I can't believe I remember that No I'm fucking stoned to the gills too

That's what happens on a Monday morning Like I was talking before Part of my thing lately My skin looks good I don't know what the headaches are from I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday I'm going to draw some blood this morning I don't wake up with a headache today

I feel great today But the on it is really fucking on it I really gotta say I didn't figure out Onet the name the other day I was taking a shit reading an article about Onet I'm like that's why they call it on it Because it's fucking on it This morning again Monday I had my little protein shake

I feel you don't hear my stomach round or nothing I only fart at one time I put a banana in there chocolate banana hemp force I fucking love it You can't live without it You really cannot live without the alpha brain If you're not taking a fucking alpha brain and your cylinders on anything like Joe says on his thing,

even if you get the chemicals that are in there and fucking take them on your own, you're missing the fucking boat. I'm a fat fuck. The shroom tech, tremendous. Divider packs tremendous. The fucking hemp horse protein bars, tremendous. If you don't go to fucking on it

and put church in there or Joey or whatever fuck it is, you're put church in on it, and it ain't going to work out for you. You get 10% off, you get put on a mailing list. It's a beautiful thing. You feel like a fucking savage. Look, even my skin feels good.

I only got one pimple under my neck. I whacked off last night. It was horny as fuck. I couldn't give the wife a stabbing. She didn't feel good yesterday, so I can't be fucking messing around with the wife. Besides that, we got Hulu still. Hulu. They're fucking around.

More and more people telling me, thank you, that they've gone on to Hulu. Thank you. Don't fucking be one of those mom still at home. You're broke. Try it out. Try it out for fucking two weeks in September. If it don't work for you,

fucking you go away. Try it out for two weeks. After you try, $7.99 a month after that, you're not going to fucking lose. Dollar Shave Club? $6 a month? Yeah. $6 a fucking month. That's what you're trying to tell me, Lee.

$1 month is the lowest one. It's the lowest one. Let's just go for the six. You get the nice fucking razors, the heavy. Look at this shit. I ain't fucking around with you motherfuckers. Look at this razor. I took one of them with me.

Look at these fucking cartridges, for starters. The old, these are fucking cartridges here. You know what they charge you for these things? But this is the thing that kills me. This ain't no fucking two-ounce salad. That's a fucking weapon. Dollar shave buck. You get the fucking, the shave butt.

It's tremendous. This fucking tremendous. I took these blades with me now everywhere. These are fucking blades. For $6, you know what? You leave one of the fucking hotel room. You don't even feel bad. It's when you drop 18 on a fucking thing.

That's when you fucking feel bad. Dollar Shave Club. You go to the box. What do you press? Church for Dollar Shave Club. Hulu for Joey. And the thing about the people that we have, it's like small companies.

Like Hulu has this show now of the awesms. Like they're creating shows now. They're a company that's taking it. And the awesoms. is just one. It's a great show from the guy from S&L. But even you love the guy

from Dollar Shave Club. It's like it's American companies that are making their own stuff and he probably had a job but now he's sending out razors and making a killing and it's just, it's really cool. And he's got a Mexican dude

that works in the warehouse. Look at the fucking video. Go to Dollar Shave Club. He's a cool motherfucker. Things are happening down here with the church like I told you. Wednesday night at the Ice House. 8.30, a live show.

I have like three or four people for guests. I'm still waiting. no matter what it's always going to fucking rock. Friday at 13th, Saturday the 14th, I'm a Gotham motherfucking comedy club. Lee, what do you got for me, Cocksucker? What's going on in your world?

We got this weekend? What do you got? That's it. I got the Portland one. Let's do that. I don't have anything to promote. I got a job. You're fucking slipping. How long do you have this job for now?

Probably until late October, early November. We're going to have a guest today, but it's Monday. Fuck it. We just wanted to come at you. director was a weird fucking podcast today but I loved it we talked about some interesting shit today yeah I told you how my junkie father died I told you that we believe in fucking spirits what else what else will you haven't paid attention yeah no you gotta you gotta be uh when you're getting a Spanish woman be on point because they'll fucking

stab me in the neck and that's it but you know I forgot to do one thing though I would talk about you know I haven't watched I don't know if I watched MTV in fucking years because I don't even know what's on I think the last thing I I watched on MTV was the Osbournes, right? The Auburned on MTV? I'm going to tell you something, guys, that a lot of people don't know about. I went to it, the VMAs in 84.

The Video Music Awards at Radio City. Me and a kid named Mike Ascleese were tight. We had nothing to do. We went into the city, and some guys were giving away tickets. This is nobody knew of what fucking MTV was. Nobody fucking knew. And we went. We sat in the fucking back upstairs,

and there were free tickets and all of a sudden this fucking little dirty white chick came out named Madonna. You ever see that? Like a virgin when she stripped down? Lipsinking, the whole fucking thing. Lipsinking, the whole fucking thing.

And she went, she kept taking clothing off. If you want to see her, and that, that started this whole thing of shocking. That's what Miley Cyrus was trying to do. They're trying to shock you. How cute did she look? Did she look? She's a little fucking girl. I don't know what I saw last night.

I don't know if it was the VMAs or the video, with the bunny rabbit ears on top? That's probably the VMA Oh my God, it was disgusting. It was fucking disgusting. I don't know where society's going. When I seen her ass on a little pussy, that's what made it worse. At least go buy a fucking little twat.

Something, you're fucking. So let's just say in an alternate universe, you weren't married and you were 15, you wouldn't be one of the guys going after like a 19-year-old? No. What's your limit? Just somebody cool that I could talk to. You know, there's a difference between a blowjob and a fucking woman or getting a piece of ass and somebody to hang out with.

Always remember that. There's a big fucking difference. And you know what to make that choice. I would feel guilty hitting on a 19-year-old girl. Really? Yeah, I would feel fucking disgusting. That's disgusting to a guy like me where I come from. Seriously, I don't care how sweet that fucking monkey is.

I know how sweet that monkey is. Under like 35, I can't, because I know it's a bad move for you. I know you're fucking confused. You're confused. Six years from now, you're going to have a real husband, age, and you don't have to sell him you suck some 50-year-old man's dick when you were fucking stupid and confused. That's embarrassing for a fucking girl.

I've seen my dick lately. It's fucking disgusting. This guy's all brown and shit. I'm white. How can my dick be fucking brown? That's because it's disgusting. You would want some chick to suck that that's 19 and think about that the rest of our life? She'd have fucking drink to that shit.

I know if I was a 19-year-old girl and I sucked an old man's dick, I wouldn't be the same after that. I'd fucking shoot myself. Even if I was coked out or whatever. Seriously. I don't know, Lee. I don't like it. That's a problem. I would always think, like, it's not going to happen, but I would always think you'd be like into like 20-year-old girls and you'd just have like

18 of them around. You're like... Fuck, no. No? I don't mind talking to them if they want to talk to them, but there comes a level I know where they're getting confused and it's just dumb. No. I'd be embarrassed. I have a daughter. Would I want a 50-year-old? Fucking my 19-year-old? I have nieces. What I want? If I went

If I went fucking home to Tennessee with my wife and my niece was banging a 40 year old, I'd be fucking furious. I'm mad that she's dating an 18 year old. I'm pissed that she's... No, my niece is 17, she's dating a 20 year old kid and I'm fucking furious. He's not in high school

with her. That's not right. Yeah. No, I agree. I'm surprised, do you agree? I would have imagined something different. You know, there's a girl on my Facebook that I went to high school with. Yeah. And when I was fucking 16, this girl was a piece ass. Spanish girl hot as shit.

Guess what? She never fucking talked to me. As a matter of fact, she never talked to nobody in my fucking age. Because she was dating 20-year-olds, and she was 17, and she was dating guys with cars, and they would pick her up at school. I don't even think she went to... Yeah, she went to the prom with a fucking man

and all this shit. Well, guess what? She's on Facebook now. She's 50 like me, and she's single with a daughter. And I look at her now, and every week she goes to all this shit and all these stupid events, but you know what? she's 50 and she's fucking single. So you follow, you follow him going with this shit? Yeah.

Like, what was the fucking point? Because to be cool now, she's 50 and single. I would hate to be fucking 50 and single right now. Really? Fuck yeah. I would hate to be 50 and single knowing that if tomorrow I got sick, who would help me in the hospital? Who would take care of my fucking cats?

Who would share this with me? You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck? You want to be fit? Listen, when you're 25, you have this thought in your head that you're going to fucking be single and you're going to be charmed. I was Bronson and living in the apartment

and kill the weekends. Yeah, but that gets old when you're 38, and then you've had it. To have somebody to wake up with somebody and share a life with somebody and then not have that at 55 or 56. I mean, it's not the end of the fucking world. Don't get me wrong, but I just always,

I always giggle how she was really cool when we were 16, and now when she's 50, and her ass is falling and her tits are flap jacked out. Who the fuck is knocking on the door? Ain't nobody with a porch there no more. Now you've got to settle to what they're, they're giving you. I see some of the guys she dates on that Facebook and I feel fucking sorry for her.

I see the bar where she hangs out in Jersey and I feel fucking sorry for her. But what are you going to fucking do? She was too cool. Yeah. She was too fucking cool. That's what life is about. And it's a fucking... Get out there and suck a dick your own age, a dirty bitch.

Gonna go out there and suck some old fucking 50-year-olds cock. That's disgusting. It's despicable and shit. Lisa, yeah, what do you got for me? Anything? Just... Please come out to the live podcast. honestly the most fun that I have every month. So we have this one at the Ice House next week.

We have the one in Portland in a couple, a few weeks. And that's it. I mean, I don't have anything else to promote. Listen to this podcast. We love you. Stay black. Have a great day. All right, guys. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet.

Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to JoeyDiaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And also don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shave Club.com. You'll get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. We love these guys and you will too. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or go to Joey D.S. dot net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. I love you, cock suckers.

It's Monday. Go out there. Do your fucking thing. You've seen eternal Like the lindon Like the lindoclavin