The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #085 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, August 2nd..... Today's episode is called "IT'S YOUR FUCKING DREAM!" This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew & CBD Lion..... Go to https://www.BlueChew.com Enter Code: JOEY 1st Month Free | Just $5 Shipping…. Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com Enter Code: JOEY & Try it for FREE! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Seattle #Comedy The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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It's Monday, the 2nd of August. Another fucking month flies the fuck by. Unbelievable. 2021 is flying to fuck by. The numbers are going up, but we don't give a fuck. We're tight. Our fucking vaccine is in, and we'll see where the fuck this takes us. It was a great week.

I got my little heart monitor on for 10 fucking days. days, but I got to tell you something. Ever since they put the model on, my anxiety has gone away. It's the story of my fucking life. I can test my blood pressure here in my pulse three times a fucking day. I go to a doctor, the blood pressure is perfect. The pulse

is perfect. Everything's fucking perfect. Once you see needles and shit in my world, everything goes away. It's amazing. I have anxiety. I can't focus. I go get a needle. Everything goes away. I'm fucking whistling in there. I'm whistling fucking Dixie. Feeling good, the whole thing. It was a

week. I want to talk to you a little bit about comedy today. I did Ryan Sickler's podcast a couple weeks ago, and I talked a lot about Seattle. And let me talk to you about Ryan Sickler's podcast. Whenever Ryan Sickler calls me or I call him and we make plans to do a podcast, I don't really fucking know where we're at till that day. It's not like I prepare the story for you guys. he tells me the night before and I don't even think about it. I just show up that morning and work from memory, you know? And I watched a little bit of his pipe.

Josh Wolf called me and he goes, that's amazing that you remember that story. It was absolutely true. You know, all this shit. But I didn't forget to mention a few things, you know, about Seattle. And I want to talk about them. I have a lot of young comics that follow me. A lot of, I did not know this that a lot of young comics are on Patreon

and a lot of comics follow me. ask me questions. And I still talk to a lot of comics, you know, established ones and non-established ones. They're my friends. What am I going to do? You know, it's not like I don't talk to non-established comics. And they've been telling me lately that comedy clubs have not really been really good to them lately. You know, comedy clubs make their money off established guys, you know, Tom Segura, Bert, Ali Wong, you know.

know, shit like that, Rogan, you know, but those comics are in arenas and in theaters. So all that's left are, you know, non-established comics trying to make a name for themselves. Now, one thing about me is I never forgot where the fuck I came from. I never ever forgot. And if you talk to young comics,

I've always been the voice of reason for them. If they have a problem, they could call me. We'll talk about shit. You know, I like the established guys, but I learn more from the non-established guys. The non-established guys are the ones that keep me afloat. Let me know what's going on out there. You know, I really, really want to go back out there and just do little sets, Uncle Vinny's, shit like that. You know, but at Uncle Vinny and Dino at Uncle Vinny's is one of the best club owners you ever do business with.

One thing I got to talk about him is that I got to give him props. I enjoyed my little couple weeks down there. And when I go back, when I'm ready to go back, I'm definitely giving my loyalty to Dino. He's a great guy. It's a great club. But I'm hearing a lot of clubs I used to go to. The clubs are turning on the comics.

They're cutting their pay. They're fucking taking away bonuses. You know, half of these clubs got big time loans during the pandemic. Some of them fucking stayed open because they're greedy fucks. and didn't give a fuck about you or your family or anybody else. And if you went, you know, I'm happy that you're still supporting comedy. But I wanted you more to stay away from COVID situations. And you could watch, there's a million fucking specials you can watch if you need to laugh.

I mean, you know, I'll watch Rodney's specials, you know, with fucking Sam and Dice and all that stuff. But, you know, I, one thing I forgot to mention in that thing about Seattle, with Sickler was how good the scene was to me. You know, I was very fortunate. I was very fortunate. And trust me, there was a lot of comedy club and one-night owners that were scumbags to me. There were scumbags to everybody. That's part of the business.

If you're a young comic, you've already seen it. You see how you get treated. They don't give a fuck. It's like being an extra when you're starting out. You know, Jiu-Jitsu is a game of percentages. And they tell you that a lot of people stay in jujitsu till they get their blue belt. It gets really tough after your blue belt.

You know, now you know what's going on. You know what's happening. So it's your ego now. And a lot of people just, you know, if you make it to a blue belt, the odds are going up are not that high. It's a lot of people quit when they have their blue belt. I had to stop going.

And I got my blue belt. I just, it didn't work for me anymore. I miss it. You know, my knees are fucking. whatever, but it's the same thing with stand-up. If you could go past the fourth through 60 year, 70 year, you're in this for good. It's that four through seven year that gets really hard. If you don't adjust, it's going to get really hard.

I know comics that have been doing comedy for 20 years and never got nowhere. I respect them because at least they went up there and they tried it and they stuck with it. That's the most important thing. never know when that knob is going to turn and when it's going to be your favorite. Listen, I never thought it would turn for me and it did. And it wasn't a movie. It wasn't a set that changed my life. It was podcasting because now people could see who the fuck you are, not just judge you by your stage performance. You're telling them what's in your soul, what's really going on with you, and they really appreciate that. But one thing I'm going to start doing is I'm going

to start every episode, especially when I do a comedy episode, I'm going to thank the people who helped me. There was some really decent fucking people. You know, I got on stage in 91 and I went to Comedy Works in Denver, great club. And, you know, in 94, I got thrown out of there. You know, I got asked to leave because some managers said some shit about me, whatever. It didn't really matter. I never stop loving Wendy and I'll tell you why. Most people would have going you know, fuck you, I didn't do that.

With Wendy, Wendy ran and still does runs a great fucking club. Wendy is king and let me tell you what she did. When I first, I didn't really start my comedy career. I started in July of 91, but I

didn't know what I was doing. I really didn't. And I'm not mad at myself and not knowing. You just don't know. You're told to go up on stage. That's it. I read some books. I watched specials. I did everything I can. But comedy is something you have to do from experience. People

could just tell you so much. It's like being a musician. People could just tell you so much. You have to get up there and do the fucking rest. So, Wendy did something in 94 that I'll never ever take sides on Wendy for. Wendy put together, she

paid a comic to sit with young comics. on Tuesday nights and go over the material and answer their questions. I never forgot that. That was ACEs in my book. The guy, the comic who was doing it, his name was Matt Woods. Coincidentally, he was also a comic that was on stage,

the headline, the first night I went up on stage, Long Island guy. And he was the same comic in 93 that got in my face and told me how much potential I had and whatnot. So he is very special in my heart, Matt Woods. Matt Woods, Jimmy Abeda and Andy Payton, Wendy, Todd Jordan, Rick Cairns, all those comics. And although, you know, Wendy's not a comic, she's a club owner. But they really fucking help me. They nurtured me the whole thing. My feelings were very hurt when I got thrown out of the comedy works.

I knew it was a business. I'm not that fucking retarded. And I didn't take it personally. A lot of people would have taken it personally. Now let's talk about Seattle. What I forgot to drop, you got to dehydrate. What I forgot to drop on the Ryan Sickler podcast was how special that time was for me. You know, if you listen to that story, I got arrested six times, you know, this.

I took a gun out of a cop's hole. I mean, it was a fucking adventure, but the comedy was so high level. I think about Seattle. One thing I forgot to say on that podcast was how thankful I am to that scene I was involved with. how thankful I was to Brody, how thankful I was to Josh Wolfe, how thank, you know, it prepared me for L.A. It was the next level. You know, right now you live in Boston. Right now you live in Nashville.

You know, right now you live in Minneapolis. You're an open micer. You're on that cusp. You're starting to get MC spots of the House of Comedy. You know, you're doing one night as around town. Maybe you're running your own night, you know. You're in. You're in.

but there's always one comedy club owner that wants to bust your ball. She doesn't like your material. And you know what, man, at that period from four, at that period from four to six years, your ego is very soft. You're not, you're still looking for an identity up on stage. The last thing you need is some fucking owner telling you you suck, you know, which they will.

They'll tell you to your face. We think you suck. You're not good enough. You know, you're not allowed in the green room. They play games like that with you. You look at them and you go, you know what? Go fuck yourself. You know, I'm still a fucking man.

Never mind the open mic. I don't need to kiss your ass. I have a thousand situations where I could tell you, people told me, you're never going to have a fucking career if it's up to me. And I'm like, I, bitch, you're down here in fucking Dallas and some fucking back road in fucking Dallas. You're not stopping me, bitch. You know?

There was the guy from Dallas. There was a guy from. fucking San Francisco that said if I said something to him, I'd never work in this town again. And I told them all to suck my dick. You know me. You know I told you motherfuckers. I used to send out blank tapes to bitches. I didn't give a fuck.

Somebody asked me for a tape. I would send them a blank tape. How many people hired me and I caught them in a fucking lie? Your tape was great. Oh, it was there was nothing on that fucking tape. Like I told you on the chair, Chelsea Hanley used to send a porno to people of her getting fucked on a washer and dryer, you know, on a fucking thing from the sun. died. People were blown away. They didn't know what the fuck to say. Then somebody tried to

blackmail a years later. Like, hey, we got a tape of you having sex. She's like, stupid, I sent that out, you fucking morons now. Go fuck yourself. That's how creepy people are. But, you know, there was no up in, you know, after about a year and a half ago, we had that thing with Rogan and the tape. Rogan was laughing at Joey getting a blowjob. You know, when when all that shit went down, it even hit Seattle. There had been something going on. at the Tacoma Comedy Club or something like that. And right away, sexual tensions heightened. And they were looking for stuff.

Listen, when I lived in Seattle, I had a fucking girlfriend. You guys forget. I had a steady fucking girlfriend. And it was great. You know, we had our little fucking situations. But even now, whenever I talk to that woman, I thank her. I thank her. We talk once a month, twice a month.

I thank her for her time with me in Seattle, for the support she gave me. because your ego is very fucking tender. You know, I shouted out Lori Kilmartin. She was the first headliner I opened for as a feature act, you know. I cherish those fucking memories. But the two guys I dealt with up there in Seattle the most were Ron Reed with this guy, Carl Wormonhoven. Carl Wormonhoven worked the open mic.

He's not the guy I stuck up for. I stuck up for Ron Reed. but I would have killed for you know for fucking Carl I would have killed for Carl Carl took me from A to B when I got to Seattle I used to do the open mics and I was the number one I was number one I was the first comic up

when you don't have experience or they don't know what you're about they put you up first second or third you get to go up there and bomb early and really show people how bad you suck right so I did well so what they made me do is I saw myself Go on the list from number one all the way to number 15. That's what I accomplished in those 18 months. It wasn't me.

I would love to say, oh, it was me. No, it wasn't. It was Carl and Ron. Because after you'd come off stage, everything in Seattle at the time, when you live in Seattle for comedy, I mean, now I wouldn't live in fucking Seattle. I don't know what they're doing up there. They got zones and whatever.

But back then in Seattle, even for me, I had Carl. and Ron Reed, but there was a couple of women that were booking rooms and they didn't dig me because of my material, because of this,

that who we hung out with. I never, ever, in all my fucking, you know, 20, whatever, 30 years of comedy and 10 years of podcasting did I talk about that woman? She passed away years ago, whatever.

She didn't like me. She was Josh Wolf's manager. She didn't like me. But let me tell you what I did. I turned her not liking me for you comics that are like, well, Joey, how do you handle those type of people, you know, that are fucking mean to you? You fuck with them.

You know, you fuck with them. When a book could tell, you should tell me, ah, you're too dirty. Ah, I don't like your style. I don't like this. You know what? That's fine. You don't have to fucking pay me. I'll do the set for free and let the club owner decide.

And she did not like that. But guess what? one day I actually called her and she said to me you know I don't want to book you I don't like your material blah blah blah blah blah blah I was like that's okay can I do guest sets

and I would do guest sets in her rooms on Tuesday Wednesday or Thursday she would sit there like in her glory like I'm not paying him I didn't look at it that way I looked at it as I'm gonna get better even though you don't like me

I really don't give a fuck you mean shit to me you're just in a little pocket of fucking Seattle. In the big picture, you don't matter. In your mind, these comedy club owners think they matter. But in the big picture, they don't.

They can't control you. They can't stop you. They have nothing to do with Los Angeles or New York. Nothing. If a comedy club owner calls from Minneapolis to sell owner in New York, he's going to hang up on him. I don't want to hear from you.

I'm in the Big Apple banging my head together. There's fucking junkies trying to knock down my door and you want to call me to tell me I don't want to hire some fucking guy. Go fuck yourself. That's never going to happen. So don't ever worry about that comedy club owner in Mississippi or fucking, you know, Vegas or whatever. They can't.

Nobody's going to listen to them. Trust me. Trust me what I'm telling you. I've told millions of people in my open-my career to go fuck themselves. You could just take so much. You could just take so much and you have to have a certain belief in yourself. And at that time, I was stupid. I was a fucking junkie, and I didn't give a fuck.

I had one goal in mind, 30 spots a month. That's all I gave a fuck about. That's it. I didn't give a fuck about the politics of the club. Who ran the club? Look at this guy. He's got a spot in the Tonight Show. That's got nothing to do with you.

The only thing on your plate is where I'm going up on States today and who am I, what room am I blowing up tonight? Even though you're going to go bomb. Trust me, I was calling him bomb alerts every fucking night. I was bombing once a night in Seattle. It wasn't about the bombs. It was about getting on stage, getting on stage. And like I said to you, I am so grateful.

I could, and listen, there were a lot of scumbags. You know, I had the fucking Booker from Texas. I had the guy from Cobbs that was a fucking scumbag when you were an open micer. They wouldn't even let you put your name on a list. He would come over to you and point at you. You want to talk about feelings being hurt and shit like that? So you would get there to the open mic and you go up to him like a gentleman and go, hi, I'm fucking Mike Schlats. You know, I like to sign up for fucking the open mic and he'd look at you like, you know, really?

Okay. And you could tell him whatever you want. I perform in Seattle. I'm a feature act. Yeah, yeah, whatever. They got their favorites. And they're there to irritate you. And if you have somebody call, like, let's say you have me call for you.

Like the guy and I get along and I'll call him and go, hey, my friend Mike's going up there tonight. to do five minutes. They'll really put you in the fucking ringer. They'll put you up last just because you had a friend of yours call. That's how cold fucking blooded. It was up in fucking Seattle, all the other fucking states I performed that. I remember going from Seattle and having a,

I was a feature act in Davy, Florida. And it was how I met Jimmy Florentine. It was 1990 fucking seven in Davy, Florida. And it's how I met Jim Florentine. I worked with the lady from night court. I opened up for her. And I'll never forget. I was a feature act.

I was doing spots at the fucking store. I went to Florida for 400 bucks for six shows. 400. It covers the plane ticket and a gram a blow and you're fucking broke. And I did it, 400 bucks going to Florida in 1997. And you know what? She was a fucking scumbag to me. They didn't care.

And that's what I'm saying about today, that if they didn't give a fuck 30 years ago about you, can you imagine now after the fucking pandemic? And I don't, my whole point of doing this today is letting you know that no matter how much of a scumbag these club owners are, it should not deter you from your dream.

Not even at all. If you let them fucking win, you're not going to have a fucking career. If you let them get to you, you're not going to have a career. Whether it's a guy in the audience, a comedy club owner, anybody says something derogatory to me, I got my fireman hat on. It rolls right to fuck off,

and I keep fucking going because I know in 10 years, I could call you and go, hey, remember me? You said I'd never amount to nothing? Go fuck yourself, bitch. You know, that guy from San Francisco I talk about, he fucking went up to Ralphie Mae once and asked Ralphie Mae.

This is even after I was in L.A., after I was a regular at the comedy store. He asked Ralphie why Rogan brought me and Ari on the road with him. He goes, they're like two fucking bums. I can't believe Rogan brings those two bums on the road with him. And I told Rogan, and I went up there one time with Rogan, I pulled the guy aside. I'm like, hey, man, I heard what you told, fucking Ralphie.

What the fuck do you think you are? The guy's not even in the fucking business anymore. So don't ever get, like, don't ever let a comedy club owner ruin your fucking dream or some fucking jerk off booker ruin your fucking dream. Your dream is solid. You don't need them. Trust me what I'm telling you. I got into altercations.

There was a chick that used to run the Funny Bone in Idaho that used to wear, like, Lisa Loeb glasses, and she thought she was fucking cool. And I remember one time I went up there, like, in 98, to open up for Christopher Titus. And, like, two nights in, I couldn't get Coke. And I did, like, a fucking couple lines of speed, and I was up for three days. And she came up to me one day, like, on a fucking Friday. And she was like, I got to be honest with you. I don't like what you're saying on.

You know, she was very, like, you know, she thought, like, if you were anybody, you wouldn't be in fucking Idaho. If you were anybody as a comedy booker, you wouldn't be in fucking Idaho. So do me a favor. Take your little fucking. faggy fucking glasses and go fuck yourself. You know, she was one of those Lisa Loeb, not Lisa Loeb, she was one of those fucking like, you know, she was all

dudeed up, she would wear the shirt rolled up to show her little parrot tattoo on her arm. Like, I'm supposed to be impressed. She would wear different hats. There was a Chinese chick at the Clemen Improv. She was hotter than fuck, Sarah and I hotter than fuck.

That bitch didn't get dick. She was getting fucked by somebody with a little dick. she was the most evil motherfucker in the world I'll never forget that bitch she got out of the business I'm telling you

half these people got out of business they don't matter they don't fucking matter if you're a young comic look at them go okay good and steamroll them you keep going out

and you keep getting better don't let them deter you any club you start at any club you start at like if you used okay for example I started in Denver okay

the comedy works like me. I could always work the comedy works. Then they fucking banned me. But there was two other clubs in Denver. There was the comedy club that the owner was great. He recently died about 10 years ago. God bless his soul.

He helped me out a lot. And there was a club in Westminster. Let me tell you about life. I started at this club as a fucking doorman. I went from doorman to sound guy and doorman to barback sound guy and doorman. I did

everything for them. They loved me and I loved them until I got up on stage. Then they fired me. And for years, I would call and go, can I work the club? Nah, we don't like you. And my feelings would get hurt. Listen, if I could do it all over again, my feelings wouldn't get hurt. Don't ever let your feelings get hurt because a club says he doesn't like you. It's like anything else in life. There's 400 clubs. A hundred clubs aren't going to like you. Don't take it personal. It's part of the business 150 clubs are going to adore you And 100 clubs are going to be okay

You know, in your world But you got to understand If there's 450 comedy clubs A hundred of them aren't going to like you Okay, who gives the fuck? I still got my fucking dream I still got my fucking dream So who the fuck are you to tell me

I had so many fucking people tell me I didn't have a career I had so many fucking people Listen, the guy from the laugh factory When I got off stay He's the first night And I love him now He's a great guy

I love Jamie Massada But back in 97 You had to fucking wait all day You had to be there at 6 in the morning And wait till 6 o'clock at night Richard Lewis Would stop and bring you waters So for all you people

Who talked bad about Richard Lewis Richard Lewis cared about young comics and he would say to us, he would drop off the waters on Tuesday and go, I wouldn't do this if I was you guys. Have a little fucking class. But you're too stupid as a young comic. You don't understand where he's coming from. Me, if I could do it again, I would have done it again.

It was a great 12 hours to stand out there. I got to see what other young comics were thinking, how confused comics were, how I'll never forget there was one guy out there. I got to L.A. on a Monday night. I went to the store. And on Tuesday morning, I was told to go to the fucking laugh factory. And I waited online with a dear friend of mine from Seattle. The second day I was in L.A.

And there's a guy out there that knew everything about everything. You know those guys? They know everything about everything. Meanwhile, he was an open micah. But he knew everything about everything. Okay? He didn't shut the fuck up all fucking day long. I didn't say two words.

I just kept my mind shut. I watched. listened. This, the comedy store, the improv, this guy knew about every club, every booker. I was like, wow, this fucking guy is great. He didn't shut up the whole

fucking day. Loud, big guy, sweetheart of a guy. We became dear friends later on down the line. Sweetheart of the guy, but that first day he wouldn't shut the fuck up. Twelve hours, he didn't stop. Guess what happens? He's like number three on the list. They say his

name. He goes on stage. All of a sudden he becomes a fucking mother. He didn't. else. You can't even hear me. He's like me, me, me, me, me. What the fuck? You out there for 12 hours talking shit all day. Like, you knew everything about fucking comedy. And you get up on stage and you're a fucking dunce. He was like retarded.

He didn't say a word. He didn't get a laugh. And then years later, he used to sell little trinkets at the store and bracelets and shit like that. Nice guy. Sweetheart of a guy. He was from another country, whatever. He was like an immigrant from another country.

Great guy. We ended up becoming good friends. I forget what his fucking name was. but, you know, all day he's fucking talking. Now it's time to perform and he fucking shits to bed. Me, I went up there and I did okay. And afterward, you have to wait online to get feedback from Jamie. And when I sat down, Jamie's like, I don't even know what you're doing in L.A.

This is my second day in fucking L.A. Not even a full fucking day. I just get there and Jamie says to me, I don't even know what you're doing in L.A. You don't belong here. You belong in Las Vegas. You're a club act. You're not a big time actor. How do you think I felt?

most people would have folded up their chairs and gone home after that. I looked at them. I said, thank you for your input. I appreciate it. You know, if you don't think I belong in your club, I could live with that.

It's not the end of my fucking dream. And let me tell you what happened. That Friday, I talked to Felipe Sparza, and Felipe told me to go to the brave bull. Rudy Moreno, great guy. We're still friends. We still talk on Facebook.

Rudy wouldn't call me back, because Rudy was getting overwhelmed with phone calls. Felipe said, just go down there, fool, and show up. And I went down there and I showed the fuck up and blew up the fucking room. I'll never forget. There was a guy named there, Gilbert Escobal,

another great fucking Mexican dude. He pulled me aside. He goes, hey, what are he doing on Monday night? I go, nothing. I'll probably go down the store. I got an acting class or something. He goes, why don't you come by the Laugh Factory? I go, Jamie Massada, told me I didn't belong in the Laugh Factory, he goes, fuck Jamie Massada, he's not there on Monday nights, I run the show, I'm putting you up.

And even though Jamie didn't like me, Gilbert put me up every fucking Monday at 925, 915, 9 o'clock, I would get $25, $25,000. I would go next door and eat for like $10, the sandwich place. And what was the, you know, so I didn't do spots at the Laugh Factory during the week. But I did Monday nights in front of a fucking great crowd and at a great time and guess what half the movies I got on my resume Half the deals I got half the things I got were from Monday nights at the Laugh Factory So I didn't give up don't ever give up as a comic I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you You have a dream keep fucking pushing and if that's one thing I learned that's what I learned in Seattle that nobody fucking matters in your dream.

Not even me. If you call me tomorrow and go, Joey, go fuck yourself. And I have the balls to say to you, you're done in comedy. It's a lie. There's nothing Joey could do to you. There's nothing nobody could do to you. And if they do, what is going to be,

some fucking, some fucking worm comic who's going to call and say, don't give you fucking work? Well, guess what? When you start selling tickets, you think the comedy club owners give a fuck? Why do you think I'm so fucking dumb with this business? Because for 10 years, when I was opening up for Rogan, they would pull Rogan aside, or they would pull me aside,

or they would talk to Rogan and not talk to me and Duncan, or they would not talk to me and Ari, or they wouldn't talk to Ari and Duncan. People didn't really want to talk to us. They just wanted to talk to Joe, and that was fine. Your feelings get hurt for about a minute, and then you realize what's going on here, and you fucking run with it, and you look at that guy, And you go, someday, you're going to fucking pay me.

And someday, I'm going to shove my dick up your ass. And right now you're looking at me going, Joey. How can you say that about a comedy club owner? It's the truth. I had many a club owner that said shit to me. And guess what? 15 years later, they were paying me, telling me how great I was. I laughed.

I took the check. I cashed it. But on the way home, I felt sorry for them. because they weren't really being them. You know, there was a comedy club owner a couple of years ago. I'm not going to throw them under the bus. Great club, great city. He told fucking Bert Kreischer

that this podcast thing was only going to last for a year or two, that he'd be begging him to come back. Bert's doing fucking arenas with Tom now. But he told Bert that. Bert told all of us. He goes, this is what this guy feels about you. Nobody's ever gone in there to work now. He sends office, but we all tell him to go fuck him so.

You know, he was already backbiting, already saying that we weren't shit, that the podcast, Oh, Ari ain't shit, you. Okay, don't worry about it. And I could have called them up and got on the phone. I did the theater across town. And guess what? At the end of the day, they'll call you and say, can we come to the show and you're like, no. I'm not giving you free tickets.

This is a great story. Jim Florentine told me that that fucking, remember the time I did the church, and we were talking about Danny Murr, had just died. I think Bert was on the church. Me, Bert and Lee, and we're talking about Danny Murr. And I said, rest of soul, fucking cock sucker.

Anyway, Danny Murr told Jim Florentine, he didn't want to hire him. God rest his soul, Danny Murray. He's been dead for like fucking five years now. Nice guy, but fucking, what a fucking puke. Fucking guy. Oh, that guy was a fucking puke. But, you know, he wouldn't hire Jim.

And then Jim went to do a rock club somewhere. And the guy called him and said, can you leave tickets at the door? And Jim's like, fuck, no. I'm not leaving shit for you. That's what I'm talking about. That's a real fucking comic. When you don't give a fuck. Like I said, the name of this episode today is it's your fucking dream.

Why are you letting somebody piss on your fucking dream? Whether you're a comic, a musician, a fucking tap dancer, a stripper. It's your fucking dream. How can somebody fucking shit on it? And even if they do, push them out of the fucking way. You can't deal with that. Comedy is hard enough.

Don't let anybody make you quit this fucking game. Do not give anybody the satisfaction. Trust me. Remember when I told you guys, I used to go home at night and fucking cry when I lived in Boulder. I didn't cry in Seattle. By the time I got to Seattle, I wasn't crying anymore. I would cry in Boulder because I really wanted it.

I knew what I had wanted for the first time in my life. I figured out what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. And I wanted to be so deep in it. I wanted to be so good at it. I wanted to put on such a fucking good show. I wanted every joke to bounce. Well, guess what? My dream happened.

It took 20 years for it to fucking happen. But it happened. And that's all that matters in my fucking world. Don't let anybody piss on your fucking leg, especially now. You know, right now, we're still in a fucking pandemic because everybody's still thinking like that. Everybody's still thinking like that. When I found out that the comedy clubs were doing that to young comics,

and they told me, well, clubs are doing it. I'm not going to call them out. Listen, it's none of my business. I'm just letting you young comics know that it's fucking open season on you guys. and they're trying to derail you don't let the money derail you the money will come later when I first got into comedy

there was so many people who made fun of me under my breath so you do this for how much $50? Oh, if I did it I'd get paid a lot more I'm sure you would I'm sure you would they couldn't get paid dick

you know how many people I saw even in L.A. try to fucking say to me say you do spots at the store for $15? Why would you do that? I'm going here tonight. I'm making $150. God bless you.

God bless you. How long is it going to last? How long is it going to last? You're not that good. They're blowing smoke up your fucking ass. That's how it starts. You know, Seattle was such a good scene to me. I was very blessed in comedy.

I was very fortunate and I'm giving the universe thanks for taking care of me because I've seen it. I've seen people who got out of the business. Listen, if you want to be in this fucking business, find the city, not L.A., not New York. Find a small city where you could grow. Detroit's a great place. You know, Utah has a great comedy scene. Texas has a great scene. Don't move to Texas to try to get on the Joe Rogan experience.

That's not going to work out for you. But Texas as a whole to do comedy, you could get good quick in fucking Texas. Everything has a time. If you're a young comic, everything has a time. So for two or three years, you stay in fucking your neighborhood.

You know, when I came to New York in 93, I didn't come to New York to be a comedy star. I came to New York to get my head together. To walk the streets, I had walked as a young man to get strong again, to prepare me for the journey

I was going to go on. I knew that when I came back here in 93, I went into New York, I worked a little bit. It wasn't, I could tell, I wasn't going to stay here. So I decided to just get strong. Take care of myself. I lifted weights. I walked and I studied comedy. I went to comedy clubs and studied it.

Trust me, I was getting treated like shit at that time. I remember going to the comic strip and they were like, oh, you want to get on stage. You have to sell tickets on the street. and they would give you a book of tickets. So you had to come back with $40. You made $100, but you were going to keep $50. You know what? I sold the tickets.

I kept all the money, and I never fucking brought back there $50 fucking. Fuck them. I bought Coke with it. You know, I didn't need to perform with the comic strip that fucking bad. I took their tickets. I'm like, what am I doing? Selling tickets for these fucking jericho? Are you fucking retarded, Joey?

I'm not selling no tickets for these motherfuckers. I took my money. I bought Coke with it and I never went back to the comics trip. The New York Comedy Club was taking care of me. Your old Triple In was taking care of me. There was a couple of young comics that ran rooms. They were doing rooms in North Bergen. There was a restaurant on 69th Street that did comedy like on Wednesday, one Wednesday a month.

I was going in there. I found my fucking thing, but I knew I wasn't going to stay there. I knew I was going back to Colorado to try to be a fucking dad. That didn't work out. But let me tell you something. Those 18 months in Colorado, thanks to Jimmy Abeda. Bill Bauer and fucking Andy Payton Those three guys

I want to give them fucking huge thanks Because they took me under their wings They gave me work I was getting on stage every night And fucking Denver before I left The only thing that made me leave Denver Was my problem with my ex-wife I got a feature week in Michigan

At Joey's Comedy Club I met the stripper I went back to fucking Boulder I made up my mind about my future She came by Stayed with me for a week We talked about CED I made some fucking calls.

She went to Seattle. I went on a huge fucking triple run for like five weeks to make money. And I ended up moving up there with her. And I got there on a Saturday night. And I was at the club the next morning Sunday at fucking 12 o'clock to see it. It was closed.

I went back Monday. I got on the open mic night and I pushed the fuck forward. And yes, I had a couple fucking problems up there. But it didn't stop me from being a comic and I'm very fortunate that I went to Seattle and I did it the way I did I went to Boulder I went to New York I got awakened in New York of who I was and what I was going to do and that this is a real fucking business you had a toughen up for this fucking business this was not

going to be a walk in the fucking park I've never said that comedy is a walk in the park it's fucking hard and like I said to you from four years to eight is the hardest if you could push through that, you're good to go. I became a regular at the store after six and a half years. Was I ready? Not really. But I'm going to tell you what I had at the time. I'm going to tell you what got me through all those years, my stage presence. My stage presence was second to none from the very beginning. I knew how to lie. I knew how to listen, when you use the stolen credit card and the like an Asian guy's name, like Wingho, and you go in there

and try to use his credit card. You got to act, Jack. You know what I'm saying? You got like Pablo Escobar, the guy that play Pablo Wagner, Wagner, whatever, Mora, whatever his name is. He walks fat, like he's skinny, but he walks fat like he's fat. I've never seen that done before.

I've never seen that done before. A skinny guy walked fat. If you watch Narcos, watch Pablo. The guy that asks him, he walks fat. He walks like he's 400 pounds, but he's really in fucking shape. I mean, towards the end of season two, he gets fat, he lets himself go. They put batting on him, but

don't believe the fucking hype. That guy was such a good actor. He walked fat. That's fucking amazing. Well, you fake the funk. I watched Bill Hicks. I watched Andrew. I watched Kennison. I watch Robert. I mean, I watched so many comics, and

one thing they had was on stage, they did not care. They fake the funk. I didn't know what I was doing I had no idea but when I went up there I didn't fidget I gave you the impression

that I didn't know what I was doing I didn't touch the mic awkwardly my elbow didn't go up when I picked up the mic if you touch the mic don't let your elbow go up that's your years of insecurity

and that's your years of an experience don't touch that mic don't touch it talk with your fucking hands and that's what I did in the very beginning I just copied that from other people it's not that I fucking invent it. It's not that I read it in a fucking book. Nobody fucking told me. These are all the things

that you pick up in the beginning to fake the funk. You know, walk in the room, like you got $200,000 in your pocket. Meanwhile, you got eight cents and three pennies are fucking browned in debt. They're not even those shiny pennies. You know what I'm saying? They're those brown pennies that nobody wants. Even the Hindu at 7-Eleven looks at you when you give it to them like, I don't want this fucking brown penny. Like, that's how fucking brown the pennies were. I don't give a fuck how broke you or whatever. You walk on that fucking stage like you own that fucking club.

You own that fucking club. Don't ever let anybody like it. People always told me we didn't like your material. We didn't like that. I don't give a fuck. You know what?

I'm going to sell it to you in a certain way. You may not like my material, but I'm going to sell it to you in a certain way. And guess what? I don't like my material either. But I'm going to sell it to you tonight.

I'm going to sell it to you and you're going to pay me. And that's the way it's to be. So again, in rapping, don't let nobody fucking piss on your dream as a comic. Right now, it's tough out there. It's tough in the world right now. It's tough all over. Getting a laugh is probably a little tougher than it used to be. I don't know. I don't believe in that shit. All audiences are the same to Uncle Joey. I never said to, you know, in the beginning, I didn't like performing the people who had hair like me. Like white hair people, I would go,

fuck, I hate these people. They're not going to laugh. I would, I would bomb, but before I even went up there. Don't do that to yourself. I loved every fucking minute of it. As a young comic, get yourself into a groove. Listen, I was very fortunate. But I had Josh. I had Tana Manua.

I had Brody. I had, there was some comics that died from Seattle. I forget what his name is. He went on later on and bought a club in Lubbock. He was very good to me. You know, you have to find your little comedic circle,

learn from them, take from them. Don't get mad at them. You know, listen, this is a business. It's not a fucking, it's not a, you know, if somebody doesn't pick you for something, it wasn't your turn. It wasn't your time.

Keep your mind open. You know, for years, I wanted to go to Montreal, Montreal, Montreal, Montreal. They didn't want me. I mean, they were making excuses. All he does this with his hand on stage. It's annoying. Really, my little hand twitch bothers you on stage.

Obviously, we don't, after a while, up. You don't need that shit. Like give up naturally. I'll give you an example. They used to be a club Catch a Rising Star. They used to be in Reno, Princeton, New Jersey and Las Vegas.

The people who ran it were nice fucking people. I sent them a tape and I called them every fucking day for a fucking year. Maybe two years. Maybe two and a half years. I was dying to work Reno. I was dying to work Vegas.

I was dying to fucking work, Well, let me give you a story. Princeton sucked. I got into an argument with the fucking guy, Nick, and he banned me from Princeton. I was dying at Durino. You want me to tell you? I got into Catch a Rising Star.

Three years I called that dude. And if you know anything about me, I will call you till you die, change your number, a fucking hang up. And if you hang up, I'm going to call back. When I was looking for work,

I didn't take no for a fucking answer. I don't give a fuck. You're going to give me work. I'm going to continue fucking torching you. I'm going to keep filling your fucking message box. And I'm going to keep mailing your shit. I am fucking brutal. When I was into comedy, when I was in that level,

oh my God, you would hear from me Monday at 9 a.m. Monday at 9, you don't know how many bookers would pick up the phone. Hello? Joey D is here. I want to know if you have any availability this week. And they would go like, ah, Joey, why don't you call me back after 12? Fuck you.

Clock starts at 9, Cox. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give two fucks whether you were sleeping, you weren't sleeping. It's business time. I never gave up on myself. I didn't give a fuck. Keep calling them. Keep sending them tapes.

I remember when I moved to L.A., there was this movie that Marky Warburg was going to do. And it was Vinnie Curdo, Turn Me On to it. It was Vinny Curdo's story. It was Marky Warburg and De Niro was going to play Angelo Dundee. It was a great story. and I forget that Sheila Jaffey If you look at the Sopranos casting

In L.A. It was Sheila Jaffey And in New York it was Whatever something walking It was Christopher Walkin's wife She cast the soprano They were partners Sheila Jaffe was in L.A. She was one of the biggest casting directors

Dogg When I found out about that movie I would go home every night from the comedy store Do Coke and lick envelopes and send them out to people. I would lick envelopes, lick envelopes,

Joey, what's licking an envelope? You take a manila envelope, you put your resume in there with your bio and you write a letter handwritten, not computer written, handwritten. And I'd also include two tickets, four people,

to come see me at the comedy store. I would send those motherfuckers out every goddamn night to movie people, casting directors, commercial agents. I didn't give a fuck. My goal was to send 10 envelopes tonight.

And I'll never forget that after three months, Sheila Jaffe agreed to see me for one of the roles. Guys, I went in there and ate a bag of dicks. I'm not going to lie to you. I went in there. It was a slow debt.

But on the way out, I'll never forget her looking at me going, Joey, before you leave, hold on. And she turned around, and she gave him back to me. And when I say it was a bag, it was fucking eight inches of headshots,

bios, and envelopes with free tickets. She goes, Joy, I don't need all these. I was like, holy shit. She saved them. She didn't even throw them away. Between me and you collectively, there had to be 30 headshots. And I would send her a new headshot

every time my resume would improve. Like every time I added an extra credit or a club to my resume, I would send them out to people. I was notorious for that shit. Sorry about that fucking lawnmaw guy comes Monday morning early. Cock sucker. Well, anyway, listen to me.

I just wanted to add on that Seattle thing that I didn't say with Sickler. That Seattle was probably one of my favorite fucking times in comedy. It was a smart move. I was up there for two and a half years. I got my head handed to me a lot of times, but sometimes you got to get you out. head handed to you when you're in the process. I'm very, very grateful to Seattle as a comic today. You know, I don't know what podcast I was saying to that or who I was talking to about it.

And you guys know when it comes to ego, that's not my thing. But before the pandemic, a year or 18 months before the pandemic, I was the best that I ever was as a comic. I probably was a fucked up human being, the thousand million. milligrams, edibles, and all that shit weren't helping me. I was a good husband. I was a good dad. But I got to be honest with you guys. I was a great fucking comic up there.

You know, I have a hard time. I beat myself up. I'm going to tell you what I remember. I just remembered wanting to go out there. I didn't think about Bill Burr. I wasn't thinking about Dave Chappelle. I wasn't thinking about all the guys that are funny than me and all that shit. I was just thinking about what I was going to fucking do

tonight. And you don't know how many times I was on stage and people were rolling. And I would say to myself quietly, this is from my days in Seattle. These are from all the triple runs I did. Now I'm starting to see it. Like, you know, I would go on stage and say to myself,

wow, where did I learn this? These are from the nights I would do Jimmy Abater's rooms. Like it was, I was very thankful for all that I said. suffered through those years and it wasn't suffering it was just struggling you're struggling with drugs you're struggling for money you're struggling to be the best you can be and people trying to take you out from all fucking directions and they're not people it's just life the way like this is comedy this ain't a fucking you know but i was very grateful while i was on stage i would think back like

where'd i learned this from and i would think back to my time at the underground i still remember a Monday night that I got into a fight with my stripper girlfriend and she threw me out and I was so angry. I had one place to turn and that was the underground. Her and I had plans and I wasn't going to go down to the underground that night but I ended up going down there and Carl brought me up and for some reason somebody had a camera that night

and I remember they taped my set and I against everything I believed I went home and took a look at that set And that was the first time I learned to go off. Like I went on stage, improvised what I was feeling. And I was like, fuck, I got to do this more often. This is fucking amazing. I still remember the sweater I had on.

I had one of those fucking tennis sweaters that are white with the fucking lines coming through it. The last copy of it I gave to Rogan. I did this college film at the University of Colorado where I kidnapped the guy. The whole thing. I still remember the director. Her name was Kashina Kessler. And it was a short film, like a 10-minute film. So when I got to L.A., the only thing I was sending out was this set from Seattle.

That was a killer fucking set. I don't know what I was talking about strippers. I was talking about, you know, this girl that was dating out. She threw me out. And I forget the jokes I said, but it was the beginning of my energy. Like it was the first time I learned about energy, like, Holy shit, I raised my voice. Like, I was going on stage for four years, just being monotone.

And then I learned that your voice controls the fucking room, the volume of your voice. I learned it that night from looking at that tape. I was like, wow, I remember sending that tape to the Latino Laugh Festival. I sent that tape to a couple fucking people. I didn't get nothing from it. But I remember that that was the breakthrough night for me. And it was like six and a half years into comedy. So I just want to let you know there's a bunch of guys on Patreon Sam he's a doorman at AC

Comedy Club there's a couple guys that follow me on Facebook There's a couple guys that message me on Twitter and ask me questions about comedy It's your world guys Don't let nobody piss on your fucking leg and trust me I know what you're going through I went through it I know what haters I know what people Not wanting you I know how that feels when someone somebody doesn't want you.

I know exactly how that feels. Don't let that deter you. Hang in there. Hang in there. And when they're talking to you, telling you whatever, just think how you're going to come back and shove your dick up their ass in eight or nine years. Think about how they're going to suck your dick

and light your cigarette and tell you you're the funniest person in the world, even though you're not. They're going to say that to you. Once you start selling tickets and making money and you get your first little 20-minute special, whatever, whatever's available next Netflix, HBO, Yahoo, wait till they come around. That's why I always tell young comics when they come to LA, they get a commercial agent. Get a commercial agent.

Why, Joey, so you start booking. As soon as a club owner or a club booker or a club manager see you on TV, whether it's a commercial or you dressed up as a chicken, whatever the fuck it is, As soon as they see you on TV, they know they can't fuck with you because you booked a commercial, and now that commercial could turn into a movie or a series, or you could blow the fuck up. And that's what saved me in L.A.

In 98, I booked those Taco Bell commercials, and all those comedy club owners saw it. I kept booking. If you look at my IMDB, I booked early on. Why? To let them know I was going to be fucking dangerous. Because once they see you on a commercial, a video, a TV show, they go, hmm, let me treat this guy differently.

Because if he did this, he could do that. Take that to the motherfucking bank. I love you guys. Thank you for watching. Uncle Joey's joint, always representing. Laughing fucking gas. What do you think about that, huh? You guys have been doing great with the laughing gas.

Thank you very much for fucking support me. Rez called me last night, said he loves it. People are loving it. My friend Brett, who I used to take jitza lessons from, loves it. It's a great fucking weed. And I love you guys. I'm feeling a lot better. Thank you for all the support and the kind words. You guys know I was struggling for like 11 months. I put that shit behind me. Like I said, I had all this anxiety. They put a hot monitor on me. The anxiety fucking disappeared. I'm good. Tip-top, Magoo. The teeth are okay. My gums are turning purple, but what are you going to do?

It could be worse, you know what I'm saying? This tooth is a little fucked up. I've been to a sandwich last night I started bleeding. But this is all going to be behind this fucking soon, guys. Thank you for all your support. Thank you for being on Patreon. Thank you for supporting the ice cream shop and laughing gas. And I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday.

August fucking 4th. Can you believe that? It's fucking August already, cock suckers. The rent is due. I love your cocksucker. Stay Black. I'll be back Wednesday with another fun-filled episode

of the joint. Thank you very much for watching on a Monday morning. I hope that this helps a lot of young comics. Don't let nobody fucking crush your dream. Like I said, while they're telling you this, you're thinking you're seeing yourself fucking them in the ass and I'm going,

all right, all right, I'll write you to check. I love you guys. Have a great week. Stay black. All right. I want to thank you guys for listening today. I loved going back and thinking about Seattle.

because I didn't mention a lot of things during fucking whatever during Ryan Sickler's podcast. So I wanted to get out there. I know there's a lot of comics, young comics, struggling right now with the clubs and what the fuck's going on. But anyway, the joint is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Listen, people are hiring. You want a job? Everyone is hiring right now. Like I said earlier, millions of jobs will need to get filled as businesses keep reopening.

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to rock your fucking world. I love you, Coxuckers. Have a great Monday and a great Tuesday, and I'll see you Wednesday. Stay black, Coxmithers. There you go.