The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #088 | ROBERT ILER | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Wednesday, August 11th..... Today we caught up with our friend, ROBERT ILER… This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com, Lucy.co & CBD Lion..... Go to https://www.stamps.com Use Promo Code: JOEY - 4 week Trial, Free Postage & a Digital Scale! Go to https://www.Lucy.co - PROMO CODE: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com PROMO CODE: JOEY or CHURCH Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #RobertIler #AJSoprano #TheSopranos The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, August the 11th. The joint is brought to you by Stamps.com. This summer has been great for me so far. You know what I'm saying? Between the Little League, the barbecues, little fucking parties, I'm having a great time. I'm enjoying life's little pleasures. But I'll tell you what I don't enjoy is going back to a fucking post office. With Stamps.com, you could skip the post office and save money on postage. Send letters, ship packages, anytime, anywhere. right from your computer.

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Nobody does it like them And now it's time for the motherfucking joint cocksmokers. Let's do this shit. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, the 11th of August. Eight more days, and I'll be here a motherfucking year. That's a fast fucking year, ladies and gentlemen.

Unbelievable. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I've had a great fucking week. So far, I went to the dentist Monday. It looks like in a couple weeks, this tooth, the little fang is coming the fuck out, going to fix that whole piece there and hopefully this infection will be the fuck over. I don't know what caused it.

You know, I haven't eaten fucking strange ass in 21 fucking years. So usually when you had like a cold sore or something, you're like, I ate some fucking rotten ass the other day. But that hasn't been the case of me. I've been a married man for 21 years. So who the fuck knows where this fucking little fang got fucking infected from the family's good, been having a great time. Sunday night I went to this the town had like this fucking outdoor little festival

you know. It rained out but fucking I said what the fuck it's just a little bit of rain let's go down there and see what's cracking went down there it was fucking tremendous kids were all over the place fucking running cops were there

fucking talk to a bicycle cop for a little while he listens to the podcast it's fucking crazy when a cop comes up to him is like I listen to podcast. You're like, really, are you going to arrest me now? Because fuck, he was looking at me all weird. But it happens. But it was weird. They had like a band. They had food trucks. They had fireworks. And I realized Sunday night at 58 that Jews don't like fucking fireworks, man. They lose their fucking minds when fireworks go up. I never seen so many people leave a

fucking thing so fast. Once the fireworks started going, I saw all the Yamakas walking the fuck out of there. It was crazy. They do not like fucking fireworks. I was talking to Lee last night on the phone. I'm like, Lee, what is it with Jews and fireworks? They do not like fucking fireworks. Because that's funny. I don't like fireworks either. So it's true. Jewish people don't like, he goes, I wonder why.

He goes, maybe it reminds you of Germany. I don't fucking know. They just don't fucking like it. Maybe fucking fireworks were done in Germany. I have no fucking idea, but I've never seen so many Jews leave. I was talking to one. He's like, I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm like, what the fuck? Don't Jewish people like fireworks? I guess not.

But anyway, fuck. I never fucking realized that. I'm 58. I grew up with a bunch of Jewish people and I never really noticed that till the other fucking night that it's all over. Once that first fucking grenade goes off in the air, they're done.

They're like, fuck it. This ain't the Gaza Strip. We're getting the fuck out of here. This is fucking scary here. Who gives a fuck? We're having a good time on a Wednesday morning, cuckuckuckers. Wash your helmets.

We're going launching today, motherfuckers. But that's about it, man. I'm having a good fucking time. I'm feeling a lot better. You know, I've been writing lately. And I'll tell you what I have a lot. Me and Mike were talking about Tom Morello before. The Tom Morello's knowledge of fucking music is incredible.

You know, I've always been a big fan of rage against the machine. And one day, me, Joe Rogan and Eddie were eating at some fucking, we were at, uh, I'm Fairfax and Sunset. And there used to be, there's a Starbucks there across the street from that breakfast joint. I forget what the fuck the name of it is. And next to the Starbucks used to be a Mexican joint. Now it's a hamburger place. So when I was in L.A. was a hamburger place.

And I'll never forget one day, fucking we're inside getting the food, me and Joe, and we come out. And Eddie Bravo is sitting there with Tom Morello. And I had to do everything I could to fucking control myself. because the inner fagging me came out, right? Because, like, I don't give a fuck about movie stars. I don't give a fuck about famous comedians. But a musician, like, if I see Joe Perry, I have a heart attack. Like, especially guitar players.

Like, I just fucking cream all over myself. But I didn't ask him for a picture of nothing, cock suckers. I didn't fag out on them or whatever. I sat there. I said hello. And I just talked to him. And we just talked about different music. I mean, I didn't say that much because I was kind of embarrassed.

Eddie did all the talking, which is fucking scary. I mean, he was talking about kissing shit. It was great. But I've become a fan of Tom Morello's with, you know, his radio show on Sirius. And I got to tell you something, his fucking knowledge of music is phenomenal. Just now, Mike was telling me that he did a copy of another brick on the wall. I heard Highway the Hell the other day. He did a fucking thing of Highway.

the hell. The other day on the Patreon, I played fucking voodoo chow. It was either Jimmy Hendrix's version or fucking Tom Morello's version. I mean, Tom Ruello's aptitude for music is phenomenal. I don't know if it's a double degree he has, double major, but I was telling Mike before, like, it really helps to have that aptitude. When you bump into those big time musicians, you could tell they have, it's like bumping into a fighter. When you bump into a UFC fighter, you could goof on them and stuff they're very they're very calm

because they have nothing to prove you know you expect the fighter to be like no not even fucking close a real top-notch fighter doesn't act that way and a real musician when you're around the real

you know you ever see like those skinny guys and have like the tight leather pants and they're like full heavy metal guys all fucking day and once they get on stage they suck dick you know the guys that you see on a plane with the fucking guitar walk on

like really check the stuff fucking guitar, cocksucker. No, they put it on the plane, they put in the overhead compartment. All those dudes are fucking Fugasies. You never see Tom Morello with a fucking carrying his guitar around, even though he's part of the 20,000 hour rule, whatever for fucking guitar players. But just talking to him that day, gave me a sense. And listening to him on serious, holy shit, the way he described music. But the point I was getting to that is, and I know you people are going to look at me and say, this guy's fucking out of his mind. I'll tell you

man I know a lot about fucking comedy. It's really weird how scary it is to me when I write out what stand-up is. Like when I read, like I'm just, I was thinking that day maybe I should put a book out about just stand-up comedy. Like my experiences, all that shit, instead of a book about my life. Like, that's the second thing I'm looking at right now. So I was just making notes the other night. And it's weird that it all comes back to the first time I shot Marry.

The first time I shot Marin was the first time I realized that I was really fucking experienced to do whatever the fuck you gave me would stand up. And then I remember shooting, this is not happening afterward and looking at the first one and going, Jesus Christ, when it comes to comedy, I know what I'm doing. Like I raised my voice at the right time. You know, when you write a joke, you have to look at the words and see how you structured them. It's all this fucking thing. And after 30 years, you learn so far. fucking much, you know. And it's, uh, it's just a great feeling to know that you're good at something.

Like now that I'm just doing a podcast these days, like I don't feel like I'm good at shit. You know, I've been struggling the last year, you know, because I don't feel like I'm good enough, especially without doing stand-up. And that's what was bothering me that I'm so fucking good at stand-up. I have so much knowledge about stand-up from, from Lenny Bruce. to Richard Pryor to fucking, you know, Jonathan Winters. I mean, I listened to all those fucking albums. I did the work, and it really pays off, you know.

I was telling you a couple weeks ago, I took a guitar lesson from Rudy, and I fucking gave me an anxiety attack. He was like a drill sergeant. He knew so many things about, you know, music that even my regular guitar player, my regular guitar teacher is very good. He's a fucking shredder,

but he doesn't have the knowledge that Rudy has, even though Rudy's a fucking bass player. It's just so fucking weird. Anyway, we have a guest today. It's Wednesday. I always do a little Zoom on Wednesday to break it up from you guys. I give you an earbeaten on Mondays. And then Wednesday we fucking ease it off.

So I give you another earbeaten the follow on Monday. This guest today, I really have enjoyed his friendship. He is my friend. I really have to tell you this because it's been really weird. One day Josh Wolf reached out to me and said, Robert Isler wants to be on the podcast. I'm like, AJ, and I almost fucking had an heart attack. I'm like, are you fucking serious?

And he came into the office, and he was a complete gentleman. Then I think we talked a couple times on the phone, and then I did his podcast before I left with Jamie Lynn. And one night when I was here, like in August, after I moved into this house, it had to be September. One night he just checked up on me,

and I was like, blown. the fuck away that this young kid was checking up on me see how I was doing and he said to me that he goes the reason why I called you and then he called again like after me and Mike started doing the joint and one day he texted me one night I was sitting in the couch just watching TV with my wife and I got a text from Robert Isla and he goes how can these people pay all this money to put a TV show together and you're just as entertaining talking to the air all by yourself because I can't figure that out. So ever since that time, I got, you know, I called them up. I didn't text them back. And we had a long talk about podcast and about comedy and about all this shit. And he's just a

great fucking guy. So without further ado, I bring you Mr. Robert out of known as AJ from the Sopranos. Enjoy, cock suckers. Thank you, sir. Robert, what's the story? What's going on, brother? How are you? My man. What's been going on? It's good to see you. Nothing, man. Just, you know, life still kind of feels like it's on pause in a way a little bit. But, yeah, I don't mind it. You know, I'm chilling. How's Jersey? Jersey's good, man. A lot better than what I thought it would be. It's changed a lot. 30 fucking years that I've been gone. But it's a good change. You know, it's still good. I'm in a fucking child neighborhood. I'm going. a big time kid neighborhood, which is good for my daughter. It's shitty for me.

You know, I'm a fucking old man in this neighborhood, but it's still great. How's L.A. treating you? L.A. is. For me, like, there's New York and then everywhere else is kind of all the same. I don't really care where I am, you know. If I'm in New York, I love it. But I'm just at the point where I'm like, how many, I did like two winters away from New York in a row and then trying to do a winter there,

back. I was like, what the fuck am I doing here? Like, I just, I couldn't figure it out. But I got, uh, I got family in Jersey over by, uh, by Ruckers. And they love it. What does I say to you? How, you miss Jamie? Yeah, I miss Jamie. She moved to Austin. She went when, uh, when everybody left. But she's loving it. Her kids, you know, the big thing was like, she was like, my kids got to go to fucking school. Like, you know, the kids in L.A., like, weren't going to school. They'd go to

school for two days and it would all shut down again because it's somebody who would get COVID or there'd be word of somebody who would COVID or it would just shut down because nobody got COVID and it was like she's like I can't I can't keep doing this to my kids like you know when when a kid is you know one of her kids is two years old three years old she's like not being around other kids is like you feel like it's you're doing such a disservice to your kid you know it was a shitty fucking feeling when the pandemic first hit it was wild seeing my daughter slipping. I saw a kid that her first grade teacher

wasn't her kindergarten teacher. She didn't like her first grade teacher. I could tell because she would talk a lot about the teacher at home. She never mentioned her first grade teacher. So she wasn't having a good time already in the first grade. And then the pandemic hit. And I could tell she was going backwards, like mentally. You know, I saw my child getting sad.

she didn't know. You know, you can't explain to a seven-year-old why they can't go to school. For a couple days, she thought she had done something wrong. You know, so it was kind of like it wasn't good. And we were taking to the places and people were staying away from us. You know, we understood what was going on,

but children really didn't understand. And it weighed a lot. It weighed so much on her that when that motherfucker announced Garcetti that there was no school in L.A. I went and got a house three or four days later. Like that announcement was made

July 12th, and I knew my daughter had to go to school. I knew we had to get the fuck out of there. The people had fallen apart around us. I mean, nobody really knew, so I'm not mad at anybody. Nobody really knew the rules. Do you remember when they were telling you to wipe your mail? Like, wipe the fucking mail and shit.

Nobody fucking knew, you know? So you have to, now we know more. you know, we see what the fuck's going on, but in the beginning, nobody knew dick. And it was scary for people. And, you know, nobody was going out. We couldn't get played dates outside. It was just me, her, and my wife, and a fucking tree.

There was a tree in NoHo Park, and she would climb it and get off it. After a month, she got sick of that fucking tree. So I could tell that, yeah, you just get sick of the fucking tree. She couldn't even look at the fucking tree no more. And I couldn't blame her, you know, and that's why I made the move. You look at your children. They're like, they weren't, this is not good.

And the numbers are going up again, and parents are sitting here going, are we going to take this beating again this year? I mean, there's a lot of parents. I know L.A. is expecting it. I know New York is expecting it. Fucking Texas, the numbers are blowing up. But this is what they're telling you, Robert. If you're not there, like when they tell you shit every day that things are going bad,

then you talk to somebody there. and they're like things are all right o'b i don't know what they're talking about so who knows what the fuck is going on all we could do is control what we do right now i guess and that's the thing i think like more people need to be comfortable with saying like yeah i don't fucking know where like you know i'm not on social media but i hear all these like anybody on twitter is like if you even say like oh you know i i got a sore arm from the vaccine they're like, you're an anti-vaxxer. You're a this, and they're like, no, the person's like, no, I just said I got the vaccine. And here's what I. It's like, you know, the same way you said at first when it came out,

they said all this stuff. And then they said this. And then they said that. And even up until, you know, four months ago, it was like, if you got the vaccine, you can't spread it. This. So what we know is, we don't, we don't know. We don't know what's going to have. We don't know what's going on. So just being able to be like, hey, yeah, I don't know. Like, I'm not really sure. I think that's what we need to do more instead of everybody like, you know, like four months ago, people were yelling at you. If you didn't get the vaccine like you, you're spreading it. You're spreading it. And now that's different. It's like, hey, maybe let's just like, we don't know. Like, we don't know what the fuck is going on. And that's, I think, I don't know, man. I don't think enough people are comfortable being like, I don't fucking know.

Like, because that's how I feel, you know, with all of it in the last year and a half. And I was just dating this girl. You know, we stopped talking because she, you know, she's like, oh, I want to have kids. And the next, when we met, she said, I wasn't sure if I want kids. I said I wasn't sure if I want kids. And then her sister had a baby. And she came back from seeing the baby. And she's like, I want kids.

And I got a three-year timeline. Like, I want kids after she, like, held the baby and saw her family around the baby. And I totally got it. I was like, yeah, I get it. But like after this last year and a half, I told her, I'm like, I, I don't know. Like, how after, for me, like, after seeing how life was in this last year and a half, for me planning three years ahead with somebody who I met two months ago, I'm like, this seems

crazy to me. Like, how the fuck can we do this? So we just, you know, we kind of went our separate ways, but it's, you know, I don't know. I hear people making plans for five years from now. Oh, here's what I'm going to be doing that. I'm like, what? I don't know.

I just assigned another fucking year. year lease. I'm like, I feel crazy putting this pen to paper saying I'll, I'll be here another year. How the fuck do I know? It's just crazy. It all feels nuts, you know. I gave up. I live day to day. I gave up. I know what I want to do and I know what I don't want to do. You know, I took an acting job at the end of the month, even though the numbers are going high. You know, what are you going to do? Stay the fuck home all the time. You got to have some type of contact. You got to be out there. and you got to work a little bit, you know, and when I took the job, I'm like, what am I fucking crazy?

I'm like, no, this is what we do, and we got to keep pushing. If not, you know, they're just going to keep selling fear to you. And, you know, if you go online right now, they're selling fear, they're selling the vaccine, they're pushing the numbers, they're telling you, and you know what, I'm fucking sick of it. Like, I don't even want to read it no more. I got the vaccine. I got a J&J shot. Between you and I.

I don't even know if there was anything in there. I think it was fucking water with fucking powder, you know, for all I fucking know. It was Johnson & Johnson powder. They put some water in there to make it look a little weird, and they fucking shot it in my arm. I didn't get sick. I didn't get, I had a headache for a few days. People saying to me, you know, I've had some health issues the last year. And people like, do you think it's the vaccine?

No, I would love to fucking blame the vaccine. But I was sick before I fucking took the shot. know, I had anxiety and my tooth was fucked up and I had knee surgery, so it had nothing to do with the vaccine. It was just my anxiety was from last August. You know, my fucking dental work was from last year in California and my gums got swollen. So I don't know what the fuck happened with whether the vaccine. People gave me shit for getting the vaccine. But I knew it was going to turn into what's going on now.

They're threatening people. You know, I saw something last night. where just a thing, I went to check a score on Yahoo or some shit and it said, you know, you're going to lose money at work if you don't get vaccinated. What the fuck are you talking about? So we're not going to get paid our worth because we're not vaccinated? I mean, and I know this is bullshit.

These are just people writing articles and stupidity, but that's where we're going. So I just wanted to get the vaccine, get it out of the way. And I'm happy I did. I don't know if I'll get another shot because, it doesn't fucking matter. All these vaccinated people are getting the Delta variant. And now they're going to develop a booster in two weeks,

just like that, just to fucking, so all this sounds fishy. I don't want to say it's fake because look what happened to the people that said this is bullshit like Ted Nugent and all these people. There's no COVID than a week later. They're like, fuck, I got hit by a truck. There's COVID. Make up your fucking mind, cock sucker.

Either there's nuts. So I don't want to put COVID. it down but I just say I don't know what the fuck is going on that's it yeah that's it that's the only thing I'm fucking secure about right now you know it's not knowing yeah I don't I don't fucking know and I think I think people you know like I I see I know people who got in the shot I know people who don't get the shot and I'm like yeah I understand like it's it's this whole thing of like how people don't understand and then I I know somebody else who got the vaccine, him and his wife got COVID three months after they got the vaccine.

And, you know, five days later, they had a trip booked, like an international trip. And they were like, well, we got our fucking, our passport, our vaccine passport. So let's go. And they fucking got on the plane. And they went, you know, I don't even want to say where they went. but they went to every, oh, they're in fucking shops and taking pictures on Instagram and this

and they fucking got COVID, you know? So it's like it's, and then at the same, in the same breath, people tell you like, oh, you know,

you're the non-vaccinated are bad for doing this. And it's just like, listen, I, I'm not against getting the shot. I just, I didn't get the shot because I saw the numbers of people who have had COVID already.

And what has, happens, and that, you know, from what I understand, and listen, I'm not a very smart guy, but from what I understand, the numbers, if you've already had COVID, are not very bad. If you happen to get it again, I have asthma, so I take this, like, inhaled steroid every day, and studies actually came out where they said, because of that inhaled steroid, the virus actually isn't as bad for you because at first when i heard about COVID i didn't leave my fucking apartment for a month because of the asthma and everything i'm like oh this thing is going to fucking if this gets me i'm done and then like a study came out

where they said people who take the inhaled steroid actually i don't even know i'm you know i'm not even smart enough to know exactly the words of how they put it it's not like you're immune obviously, but it's you, you know, it's not as serious, maybe. I don't even want to say the wrong words, you know, and cause somebody who has asthma to then think that they're safe from fucking COVID because you're not. But it's just, you know, the numbers are already, you know, low, we know with people who get, who die from it and stuff like that. And then on top of it, I've already had it.

And on top of that, I take a steroid every day. And I'm like, you know what? I'm just not, I don't, I don't want to get COVID, have COVID, and then take the shot. And then fucking two years later, they come out with like, oh, everybody who got fucking COVID has to worry about this. And everybody who got the shot has to worry about this. And if you got both, you got to worry about this. I'm like, I just, you know, I also, I don't have a nine to five. You know, I'm not worried about spreading it to my coworkers or this kind of thing.

and most of the people I know got the shot or they're not, they understand the risk of not getting it. So I just, but I would never push on someone to not get the shot or to get the shot. I tried to take in as much information as I could. And then at the end of the day, I understood that I'm taking a risk. And I decided, uh, I haven't got it yet. I don't. I'm not saying like, oh, I'll never get the shot.

I don't know. But just as of now, I have. And then I also have things that have. things that happen to people in my family that I wouldn't even, because of how crazy shit is now, I wouldn't even want to share it because I don't want people fucking coming after me like, you're fucking anti-vaccine or this because I'm not, you know, I'm not at all. But I just heard, you know, two things happen to people in my family. And I was like, I don't, you know, and it's who know.

And then, but it's one of those things where it's like, maybe that would have happened to them anyway. You know, you can never prove it. And so again, it's like, I don't, I would never say like, I would never say like, I don't. I made the right decision. Anybody who got the shot is dumb or maybe people who aren't getting the shot or done. The whole thing is I don't fucking know, you know. With me, I thought about one thing. I heard of somebody who got a shot and they got sick.

I really do have a dear friend that his sister took the shot and ended up spiraling out of control. She had to have heart surgery and shit. I thought about that before I went to get the shot. And then I thought about something else. You ready for this one, Robert? How many fucking drugs have we done? How much coke have I fucking done? You know, if that coke, it's made in the jungle,

people step on the fucking leaves, you know, some little Colombian kid with dirty feet, steps on the fucking leaves. God knows what I got already inside me between the pills, the reefer, the cocaine, the fucking angel dust when I was 16. We already put a bunch of wild shit into your body. what's one more fucking wild thing

to calm people down and to calm you give me peace of mind you know it was just peace of mind for me but I'm seeing these people going you know my body's a temple your body's not a temple I did blow with you fucking 10 years ago and you were fucking eating rocks off the fucking floor walking around on your hands and knees

you know when you do those fucking when you get a surgery and you do those oxy-cottons or whatever the fuck they give you do you have any idea what you're putting in your fucking body no You know, when you do a fucking Xanax or a fucking Clonopin or whatever the fuck you're doing, do you have any idea? No.

Then what the fuck's the difference? Take a chance Columbus did. You know what I'm saying? Every time you do a line of Coke, when you do a line of fucking Coke, you might have a heart attack. Right or wrong. When you fucking do a line of speed, you know. So that's how I looked at it. With all this fucked up shit, we all ate a bad piece of ass.

We've all had fucking VD and herpes and the whole fucking thing. What's a shot of some fucking water with powder in it to make you feel better? That's what I thought about. That's what I was thinking about. With all the fucking drugs I did, I'm going to sit here and fucking talk shit about a vaccine. I've been snorting vaccines for 30 fucking years. And now I want to worry about my body's a temple. Your body's a fucking disaster.

Your body's a fucking disaster. You eat potato chips, you eat nachos from fucking Doritos. You eat McDonald's and you're worried about a fucking vaccine, you cock sucker. So sorry about that. I got a little fucking caught up there. Because that's what I was telling myself. You know, like, I'm not going to get the vaccine. After all the Coke, you put in your body, you're swam in the Hudson.

You know what I'm saying? You fucking breathed in Harlem, you know, you inhaled one of Lee's farts. You're in no danger. You're going to fucking die anyway. Any way you put it, we're all going to fucking die. So cut this shit, make up your mind. If you want to do a line of Coke and you feel fucking vaccinated, then so be it. I don't give a fuck what you do, you know.

It was so crazy. When I was doing Coke, Robert, I'd do like Coke for three days, and then I eat sushi. And just because I ate sushi and ate something, like, healthy, I was like, fuck, there's nothing wrong with me. Sure, there's something wrong with you. You're snorting Coke. You're fucking putting straws in your fucking nose.

You know, when you put a dollar bill in your nose, you get hepatitis C. So now you don't want to shoot the fucking vaccine. Give me a break, will you? Just shoot the fucking vaccine or don't shoot it. And not only doing all the drugs we've done, but also where we've done it. Like I've done so much coke off of like the back of a toilet, you know,

or just like disgust where like the fucking particles that were that I was sniffing up while people are taking a shit next to me. And like I remember one time we were in line to go to the bathroom and I knew the guy in front of me. He was like a party promoter for fucking forever. And he comes out of the stall and he goes, I left something in there for you, you know? So I'm like, oh, perfect, you know, I look on top of where, like, not on top of the toilet tank, but where, like, the toilet paper is, there's just a fucking mound of Coke.

And I'm like, all right. So I do a bunch of it. I take a piss. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, what the fuck? I'm just like, I felt kind of dizzy or whatever. And it was K. It was special K. But I thought it was fucking cocaine.

And I fucking walked out. I was, because I did an amount thinking it was cocaine. You know, if I knew it was Kay, I probably still would have did it, but I just would have done a lot less, you know? And I was, fuck it. It's like you're instantly in, uh, what, fear and loathing in Las Vegas. You know when the camera's like right here and everything is like, he's all fucking crazy? And you're, and it's so crazy because Kay is one of those only drugs where like, I was just talking to my friends six minutes ago and was like totally fine. And I'm like, hey, I'm going to go take a piss.

And I come back on another fucking planet, you know? So not only. I doing drugs, I don't even know what they were, but I'm doing it off of a fucking toilet tank that probably had, or a toilet paper fucking holder that probably has shit on it and this and whatever. But another thing I thought about is, you know, in these last eight years, I haven't put shit in like, I'm at fucking Whole Foods and I'm like, oh, that's not organic chicken? Fuck that. Like, you know, so in my head, there's part of me that's like, man, I've done so well these last fucking eight.

eight years. I'm like, I don't even know how my body would react to something, you know, to fucking do and draw. I think about that shit. I'm like, man, I, it's kind of crazy to people, like, when I hear how many people are like on the wagon for so long and then they go off and like, I could understand something setting somebody off when people are just like, yeah, I don't know. I had 12 years and then it just, you know, I went to the bar and I started that. I'm like, holy shit. Like, it's fucking wild because, you know, I understand death. or, you know, divorce or something with your children and people are like, I couldn't cope, I went to this.

But there's some people who go so long and they just, they're like, yeah, I don't know. It was a Tuesday and I felt like having one. So you've been sober for eight years now. Yeah, so I stopped everything. I haven't done like hard drugs or drinking really in like eight years. But the Xanax, I had to go see like I couldn't quit Xanax on my own. Everything else I could quit on my own, but the percocets took me a while, like painkillers took me a while, but the Xanax I couldn't even do on my own. It was, Xanax was the fucking craziest trying to stop, like, you know, I never want to, like, belittle people's fucking addictions or this, but when, for just for me, I can only talk about my story.

Like quitting opiates for me was a joke compared to quitting Xanax because opiates felt like it was willpower. Zanx felt like I was going to die. Like I was, it was crazy. It was like I was falling out of a plane just sitting on my couch. Like that's how it felt. Like it was like, ah, ha! And you're just fucking sitting there, you know? Where with opiates for me, it was just, it was that feeling fucking sick and feeling like,

shit and and and and and and I had stopped doing them before so I knew like oh if I just get through these fucking you know three days or however long it didn't fucking sweat my balls out and but like for me opiates the way it felt is like like you would lay in bed and it would feel like your bed was covered in sand you know or like just every everything like you'd be like oh I'm standing up I want to sit down you'd sit down you'd like I want to stand up if you were thirsty and you're drinking something but by the when you start drinking like I'm not thirsty. It was like the fucking

the opposite of it. And it was annoying in this, but man, Xanax was like, Zanx was, if I had to quit fucking Zanx again or be like

tortured by the Taliban, like I think I'd like, you know, again, I'm always worried about saying like, you know, I don't want people who were like,

my brother was fucking tortured by the Taliban, you piece of shit. Like, you know, or like that's not, you want your fucking eyelids cut off or whatever. But it's just,

when I think, that fucking trying to stop Xanax and you because it has it almost like it had nothing to do with me like I had no control over what was going on and I saw this specialist and uh it's crazy it's crazy when you go to like therapists or specialists and you have these issues in your head that for years you're like no one understands my fucking problem that these problems are such a big deal this and you tell this doctor and he's heard it so many times and he's just like here's what you got to do like you know you do this you do that like you'll be fine in you know six months or three months or two weeks whatever you're and you and like just that alone is like oh shit like

a lot of other people have dealt with this before and they're okay this guy has a fucking seems to have the answer and then uh yeah he just you know some of the first shit he did was he's like you can't take x whenever you want he's like the first thing you got to do is you got to get on a fucking schedule. So he put me on a schedule. He's like, whatever you're taking now, the amount of milligrams a day, don't change it. He's like, just take that same amount, but you got to be, hey, I take it every day at 11, 3, fucking 5, whenever, but it'll keep you on a fucking certain kind of level, where now he's like, the way you take it now is you wait until you feel like you need it, so you're really low. And then as soon as you take it, you bounce back up to high. And then you're just

counting down the hours again until you need it again and you're bouncing back up he's like you got to do even if you don't feel like you need it nothing you're just you're you're taking it your body's getting used to with this and then I don't know it took me a long fucking time I'd be making it up if I said the number now but a year a year and a half or whatever but I just slowly went down from like I was only taking three milligrams a day but I had taken it every day for I don't know seven years six years or some shit and as soon as, as soon as, like, getting low wasn't so hard, but it was getting off, like, when it was like, all right, here's the fucking, you know what happened?

I'm so, like, fucking stubborn and, like, Irish and an idiot that it was taking me forever to finally quit and, like, not take, you know, I think I was taking, like, still half a milligram to go to bed or whatever because I was like, I can't do it without this. I can't, whatever. and I went away to L.A. for a little bit. And I was, the guy that I was seeing, he was charging, like, I had insurance or something. He was, it was, like, $300 was the thing. And when I had insurance, it was paying for it.

And then that SAG fucking dropped me because we don't make any money from residuals or anything. So I, uh, uh, SAG drops me. And I go to the guy and I go, listen, I can't pay you $300 out of pocket. Like, I'm not doing it, you know? So what, either I stop seeing you or what. he goes well we could do 150 a session i go are great thank you so i'm seeing them a couple times more i go to la for a little bit to work on this thing i come back and uh i see him and i leave the office and i get a fucking bill for three hundred dollars and i hit him up i go hey like i guess i don't

know if you forget or whatever but we were doing 150 and he was like oh no you you you went away and came back so now it's uh 300 again and that was it i was like fuck this fucking piece of shit. I was like, I'm, I'm never taking a fucking Xanax ever again, just so I never have to fucking see this guy ever again. And that night was the first night ever, I went without a Zana. And I remember, I was sitting up in my bed, just fucking staring at the wall, like, internally shaking, you know, like I felt like I was shaking because I was like, angry, but also I was like, I'm just, this is the first night where I'm not going to do it. And that was, again, all these numbers in your head get so mixed up because I'm like,

oh, this is when I stopped drinking. This is when I stopped doing fucking blow. This is when I stopped taking fucking ecstasy. This is this. But it was, you know, somewhere, I think, like, right around or right after my 30th birthday. So that'd be like six years ago or whatever. And the only, I took like two Xanax since then. And it was when I got on a plane. And besides that, I haven't fucking touched it. I don't want it. Because what I think, what I personally believe is eventually the Xanax becomes the thing that's given you the anxiety. That's what I went through. Because I didn't take them until the pandemic started.

Then I started eating those footballs. Like they said one every four fucking hours, I was blasting one to get in the fucking car. And then I got here. And it was Duff McCaghan from Guns and Roses who told me you're going to have a problem.

And I looked into it when I moved here. And that's when I started tapering and stuff. And then for the surgery, I just went off to Xanax. And after about a week, I started feeling weird and I called a buddy of mine he goes yeah you have to taper off so that fucking Xanax was actually pushing the anxiety it's called anxiety rebound or something like that you just so to get off it I quit the daytime I didn't do what you did like you know three fucking

pills throughout the day a small amount I just cleaned myself out of doing nothing in the daytime and I would just taper off at night. And now I feel great. It's been two fucking different worlds not how I feel. It's amazing. The anxiety that you fucking get from the Xanax

because once you start eating the Xanax to go down, but then you eat the Xanax and you go up. That's what was happening to me. I was really spinning out of control. So I don't, listen, man, I was always under the impression if you bought a fucking pill on the street.

It was bad for you. I thought if a doctor gave you something, you were okay. I found out about the Xanax after I was in already. Deep. I had no idea that you'd get hooked. I had no idea that the fucks are your gabber receptors. I had no fucking idea that, you know, I was going to get depressed and go down and, you know, lose weight. I had no fucking idea.

So before you eat fucking Xanax, you better think twice, cock suckers, because that shit will double up on you, and next thing you know, you're fucking living that anxiety. It's just running you. It's a fucking nightmare. I had to stop smoking pot and everything, because it would just kick up the anxiety.

Stop drinking expressos. I stopped everything, cold turkey. And then I tape it off safely, and here we are today, fucking August 10th of 2021, you know. But fuck, that was a nightmare. There was no withdrawals with cocaine. There was no withdrawals with,

reefer. There was no withdrawals with nothing. Xanax was a complete different fucking story. So if you're on Xanax, you better start tapering cocksuckers because it's going to take you somewhere where you don't want to be. It takes you into the fucking murky waters. Let me ask you this. Why haven't you moved to New York? You want to stay in L.A. right now? Because you were saying you signed the lease and you didn't know. Yeah, I just signed the lease. So I'm doing my my podcast though with Jamie and Cassam and it's like right now Jamie's in Austin and me and Cassam do it out of L.A and he has like a little studio in his house that we do it out of so I like the feeling of at least two of us being together and one being a way where like if all

three of us are in totally different cities and we're doing it over Zoom it's like you know it's just not something I get I love doing the podcast and I don't want it to become a thing where it's like you know the passion goes away or this i feel like when when you know you got three people and none of you were in the same room especially when you know six months ago we were in the same room every fucking episode so we know that energy you know we knew what it was like then and then you move to one person being away and you're like all right we could still manage we could still do it we're in my head i'm like all three of us are in different fucking cities but also i just i hate the winter and i hate it i and i hate flying so people

People are like, oh, live in New York for fucking this amount of time and then fly to fucking, you know, Florida or L.A. I'm like, I don't want to, I don't want to be counting down how long again until, and then what am I going to do, rent my fucking apartment in the city? And I'm like, this is all too much for me. I'm like, just for now, you know, I got another year here, figure it out. You know, I'm not, if I had three more friends moved to Austin, I would be, I'd be down to check out Austin for a year. something like that but uh yeah again it's like if i'm not living in new york i don't care where the fuck i am it's it's all it's all the same to me like it's new york and then i'm somewhere else you know do you miss new york at all every day i miss new york more than i miss anyone in

my fucking family like you know because new york new york to me is all of that like i grew up in manhattan i so it's like when i drive over that bridge and then all of a sudden i'm fucking you know driving in a in a cab to go home it's like every block I look at him like oh that's where fucking Alex got in the fight with this guy this is where fucking Marcello lost his virginity like this is that and just driving down the fucking street it's like oh my god and my parents uh grew up on like the same on 83rd street between first and second where I grew up so it's like I'm you know their history my history this going into fucking you know like I got a Italian restaurant,

Lizzie is on 90 second and second that I fucking walk into and it's like, it's more, it doesn't compare to one fucking place out here, you know? People talk about like, oh,

have you been to this Italian restaurant out here? It's, it's the best out here, this. And you go and you go, yeah, it's not even an average Italian place in New York.

Like, it's just, it's, like, yeah, they can fry a fucking chicken cutlet and throw red sauce on it. And it doesn't taste bad.

Like, it wouldn't taste bad if I made it either. But it's, not even close. Like, this place that I go to in New York that I've been going to forever, it's like, somehow you tell them, like, you could get penny ala vodka, fucking chicken parramp, sausage and peppers. And you're like, how is this incredible?

No one's ever heard of this. And you're like, because that's New York. You know, out here, if they were making that food, there would be a line of jerk off fucking 300 long Instagram in it and like taking pictures with the fucking chicken cutlet in their mouth and this. At this place, no one's ever, I've never heard. one person bring this place up to me in, fucking in New York anything. And for me, it's like, as soon as they get home, I'm like, I got to go right here.

Like, I fucking love it because there's a thousand places like that in New York, you know, where just the average place, a place that you like to go to, you're like, yo, I know the Pente-A. here is better than what people fucking talk about in L.A. is like, oh my God. Like, this is, you know, hashtag eat, yummy, yummy. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, this is fine, but it's like their whole world, you know? I do not miss L.A. at all. Can you believe that?

Like, that was one of the saddest things to me. Like, I had to, I was sad when I first got here. I was sad over two things. One, that I did not miss L.A. any of it. And B, I didn't miss doing stand-up. Like, those two things bothered me so much. I had to talk to a therapist. because I did not miss L.A. at all.

I kept thinking myself, what the fuck is wrong with me? But there was nothing about L.A. towards the end that I missed. I didn't miss the shitty fucking food. I didn't miss any of that stuff. And you're right. Here, I'm in South Jersey.

I'm in an area where a lot of Staten Island people moved into. The New Jersey people complain about them, you know, because they've been here all their life. All these people from Staten Island, these people from Staten Island have brought food to South Jersey that would make your asshole quiver. You know, like the fucking chicken palm,

there's Italian restaurants. I mean, there's not a bad slice of pizza around here. Like people, oh, I drove to Edison, I drove here for pizza. Go fuck yourself. You could drive down the corner to Daninos, and it's fucking great pizza, you know? But that's one thing I do not miss.

little the affair with amazing that is LA you know everything is amazing but it fucking blows you know you wait online for something or you wait to go get something the only thing i do miss is my weed store let's cut the shit i miss ice cream shop i miss my motherfucking wheat store i miss the girls in there i do miss cryotherapy the whole concept of cryotherapy here in new jersey they think cryotherapy's going into a box with your head out you know They don't know that the whole you walk in, the fucking eye goggles, the ear stuff. You know, I miss those things. I miss a few of my friends.

But besides that, it's not, I don't miss L.A. How I thought I would miss it. I thought like I was going to be heartbroken, the store and all that. No, I came to terms with it. And I feel a lot better than I'm here. I really do feel a lot better than I'm here. You know, I could have gone to Austin. but I think that deep down and aside

I just wanted it to just end you know like comedy I enjoy doing the podcast I really do you know but I don't want a big scale podcast ever again you know I like what I'm doing now you know I'm lucky we didn't move into a studio yet because the numbers are going up

who the fuck knows what we're going to be by the end of the year or by November or September who the fuck knows you know like I said like we said in the beginning of this, we're just living day to fucking day. I'm going to tell you what made me go up there to get the vaccine shot.

I dumped an ounce of Coke. In 1986, I had an ounce of Coke. And I went, me and my girlfriend went to get it, and then my girlfriend had to go home to a parent's house. And she goes, don't break into that bag until I get back to you tonight.

Well, let me know when you get into the bag, I'll stop and get booze. and come over. So I'm at this fucking random hotel room in Denver. I just pick a hotel room that I could afford. And I'm in there. And Austin, I go,

let me do a bump. And I start bumping. She's calling me. I'm not answering the phone because I had the Mickey Mouse voice. I would get this little Mickey Mouse voice when I did Coke, and she would know. So, you know,

when you eat Coke, it's fucking, it makes your consoles swell or it closes your thing. So your voice or that would always have. tapping to me, especially when I put a Coke rock. In my mouth, I'd get a freeze. This was like the worst day of my life. I started snort like at two in the afternoon,

and I heard like a drill. I kept hearing a drill. I'm like, it's the DEA drilling to put like a fucking eyeball on me through the wall and shit. So I couldn't take it no more. I started looking out the window, and it would be a car. It would come

and stop there for like three minutes and take off. This kept happening. I'm like, that's the FBI, switching cars. So I went in the bathroom and I dumped the fucking ounce of Coke. The worst thing I did was there was a pitcher of water. And I put a Coke rock in there to see how long it would take the Coke rock to melt just in case somebody kicked down the door. And I'll never forget that eventually my head won

and I ended up dumping the ounce of Coke in the toilet and flushing it. Like I must have dumped 25 grams of Coke in there in the toilet. And when I flushed it, the Coke came back up in the water and it stayed. on the walls of the toilet. So now I'm coming down and I'll never forget being on my hands and knees and looking at a hotel toilet. You could see

the shit around the bottom of the rim and piss. And I'm over there licking pieces off the toilet and putting it on my tongue or putting it in my nose like a fucking disgust though that I am. So after I thought of that story

I'm like, why wouldn't I be getting my vaccine? I fucking stuck my finger. in a fucking toilet. I remember one time I was doing coke of the urinal and the coke fell into the urinal and before the piss could hit it I took the coke out of the fucking urinal and I started doing it before it would fucking melt.

I had 200 people's piss on my fucking hand and I just washed it off and went and did what I did you know, so we do all these disgusting things and then to say that you don't want to fucking put something in your body it just doesn't make sense to me you know, especially when you've done illegal drugs and God knows what else. I used to have a guy who would bring me Perkissets.

So my, I grew up on like around 92nd, but then I moved back to 83rd and then I moved back to 91st Street. So I was on my place on 91st and 1st. And my buddy actually lived in the neighborhood, but he would come, like he'd always be, you know, delivering shit to people. So he showed up at my place one time and he would fucking,

they're like, don't get high on your own supply. he was the fucking he was high from the time he fucking woke up till he went to bed and just kept getting worse and worse and you know rest in peace he passed away but he uh and who's younger than me too it's fucked up but he one time he showed up to my there were two times one time he showed up to my apartment he buzzed up i'm like yeah hello i talked to the doorman's like yeah your boy's here i'm like all right send him up and hang up like 15 minutes later he's still nowhere to be found I'm like, it takes 30 fucking seconds to get to the dormant to hear. So finally, like, he shows up.

I go, or it might have even been like two days later. He caught. And I'm like, yo, what happened? You buzzed up the other night. Then you didn't come up. He's like, oh, I got into a fight with your doormand. And like, how do you, the exchange to the doorman to you at, hey, can you buzz Rob? He's in, you know, 4A.

Yeah, okay. All right. Yeah, he's on the way up. Like, thanks. And that's it. How in that time, you can get. into a fight still blows my mind. This is like fucking 15 years later. I'm like, how the fuck that how in that can you possibly get into a fight with somebody? Then another time,

uh, he buzzes up. I don't say, he's not there for like 10 minutes. I'm like, where the fuck? I look into the hallway and he's standing. So we used to get these sandwiches like chop cheese sandwiches and they're like, uh, they're like a cheeseburger, but on a hero. And they would be like fucking 99 cents. We'd always be like, how did they make fucking cheeseburgers on euros for 99 cents. And I opened the door and I looked down the hallway and he's standing in the hallway with his eyes closed eating a fucking chopped cheese sandwich. I'm like, yo, what are you doing? Like, get in here, you know? So he comes in. But my point was he told me that day that he walked from the train station on 86th and Lex to my place on 91st and first with his eyes closed.

I was like, how are you not fucking dead? Like, Cross and Stereux? I don't know. But again, the reason why I was reminded that you brought this up is when I would get purgocets from him I'd be like oh how many you want I'd tell him and he would just start reaching in his pocket he'd pull out fucking money band-dades this and he'd start pulling out loose percassette pills and just put him on the table and he'd be all like pulling out other pills I don't know what this is can you google this like look this shit up I don't know and it was just every like you know pieces of like the top of a fucking straw like you know when you're at a diner and you pull the they give you the the drink with the straw with a little little little bit of paper still on top. Like there would be that balled up in his pocket. He'd pull that shit of just everything you'd put on the table. And I didn't, like, back then, I didn't even think like, oh, this is disgusting, you know, whatever. I'd be so excited that he was, because when you deal, like, for my personal history,

when I dealt with, like, Coke dealers, they said I'm going to be there at this time. They were good, pretty close, whatever. We guys are not great. But per cassette, there's nothing. like it. Like I had guys who I had, we had this kid. I want to say his name so bad because it's, it's a funny nickname, but I can't. But, uh, he would tell you like, oh, I'm, uh, I'm on my way. And fucking three hours later, you call him. Like, yo, where are you? He's gone pulling up out. I'm down downstairs right now. I'm having a problem with my girl. Like, I'll be up in 10

10 minutes. All right. Three hours later, I call, yo, where are you? He's gone walking through your lobby. Like, like, right now. I'm like, oh, perfect. I hang up. Fucking two hours later, I call him like, yo, you just said you were walking through the law. He's like, oh, I'm in the elevator. I call him again an hour later. He's like, oh, I'm in your hallway. Like, I open up the door. I'm like, you're not in my fucking hallway.

Like, where are you? He'd hang up, and then I wouldn't hear from him for fucking 24 hours. And what he would always do, because he was my buddy, and I would see him do it to other people, is he would run out or he wouldn't have enough. And he wouldn't want people going to fucking other people to get it, to get fucking better prices or one day, you know, lose his customer. so he would say, like, I'd be in the fucking car. We'd be in Atlantic City playing fucking poker.

And he would tell people, yeah, yeah, I'm on fucking 83rd. I'll be right there. Like, you know, and he'd just be there with no intention of ever fucking going there. I'm like, yo, why do you fucking do this shit? He's like, yo, I can't lose the Custies. Like, you know, he'd think, but I'm like, these people hate you. And he's, again, until I fucking bring them, you know, 100 perks tomorrow. And I give it to him for a dollar less than I gave it to them last time.

They forget all about it. I'm like, yeah, I know, because I do too, you know? like a fucking, like an idiot, but. Fucking dealers are on their own planet, aren't they? Their own.

But in New York, I got to say, in New York City, Coke dealers, for me, were always like, there were guys you'd call at midnight,

they'd be there in 30 minutes. Guys, you'd call at 9 a.m. They'd be there in 30 minutes. As long as they knew, like, yeah, you didn't just want to grab a fucking gram

or whatever, like you were really going to buy something. They were, for me, they were always good. We guys, you know, suck and they're on their own planet and then fucking opiates, man, forget it. Like, you just, there would be time three days later, he would show up like, oh, sorry,

and just, and never, they wouldn't even put in the effort of like, you know, I got arrested or this fucking happened, you know, they would be like, oh, I got in a fight with my girl. And you're like, three days, you told me you were in the lobby. Like, what are you talking? It was so fucking frustrating, man. but especially when you're fucking kneading opiates, you know, and you're like, oh, I got, I got fucking three left, bro. Where are you?

And he's like, I'm around the corner, you know? I'll tell you, I don't miss dealers at all. I miss them because you got a good laugh from them. I had an Armenian guy in L.A. that was a fucking riot. He was a fucking riot. I'll still remember him bringing me eight balls and going, do you want the down? And I'm like, a down.

what's it? He goes, you know, down to when you get coked out to you, you could go down. I go, yeah, what do you got? Valium or whatever? He goes, I don't know. Give me like four pills. I'm like, what are there? He goes, I don't know. My friend gave them to me. I give to you.

I'm like, that's not good enough. You know, and he would say they fuck you up, whatever. And then you still go on Pillfinder on a WebMD and the pill would have no record in there. I'm like, what are you giving me? Where do you get the other FMata? What the fuck?

I'm on WebMD, which is fucking America. I had another dealer in Jersey when I first moved here. Throughout the years when I come back and do comedy, he was up in North Bergen. And I still remember calling him, telling him I'm outside him going, come to the side of the house.

And I'm like, why? And he would lower the Coke on a little fucking glass boat down the window. And I would be there waiting And all of a sudden you'd see this little boat, this little miniature fucking boat coming down. I'd take the Coke out and I'd put the $50 in. And he'd fucking carry it back up to the fucking.

I mean, you know, you can't write that shit. You can't write that shit. But that's drug dealers. I had a guy in L.A. that didn't have a phone number. Didn't have a phone number. And I go, how do I get a hold of you? And he'd go, just go by a, what's the, where the Mexicans hang out in front? Home Depot.

home yeah there's one on sunset like pass kaiser and he he would say just come to this neighborhood and drive on sunset and i'll find you you know how many nights i went there at three in the morning and drove down made a u-turn and he would like come i think he lived in a tree like he lived on the fucking wet it was on western western and sunset there's a mcdonald's there it's down the block from fucking kaiser to any into Scientology if you had it towards the beach. He would be living in that fucking parking lot. Because every time I would make a U-turn, you'd go to the light, and all of a sudden he'd pop out in the street,

and he wouldn't say hello or anything. He would knock on the glass, you lowered your glass, and the first thing he did was put a Coke rock in your nose. He wouldn't even say a word just to double check that you were in a cop. He would put a Coke rock in your nose without asking you permission. one minute you were opening the glass the next minute he was putting a Coke rock in your nose and then you would ask him

he would say what do you want in Spanish you tell him $70 worth and he'd go put your hand out so I'd have to drive with the Coke on sunset in the palm of my fucking hand like I'm delivering a pizza because I didn't want it to put somewhere and it'd fall and it would start to melt

because your palms are sweaty it was a fucking nightmare but looking back on it now it was a fucking pisser what you deal with with fucking drugs. It really is crazy. And like you said, I remember guys always coming through with like pills

and they didn't know what it was. And then like there were sometimes I remember going to Google it and then going like, what fucking shape is this? Like I don't even know. What is this a rhomboid? Like you know, you're like, what is this a hexagon?

Like I don't even. And they're like, oh, and then you got fucking eight people on drugs sitting around being like, no, I think that's a fucking isososol. he's trying, you know? Like, you're like, I don't know what the, what is this thing, you know?

And you're trying to fucking find it. You can't find it. I remember one time, I was at an after hours at somebody's house in Vegas. And I was fucking sitting, talking to this girl, uh, and where I buy like the foot of the bed. And I remember looking like, you could see under the bed. And there was a fucking pill over there. And without skipping a beat, I just fucking, while talking to where I leaned over, I grabbed

it. I fucking popped it in my mouth and like, I was drinking tequila. took her back and she was like what was that i'm like i don't know i have no idea who gives yeah we'll find out maybe in like 30 minutes it's crazy how you don't have fear like i didn't fear of drugs i was so confident my drug use i had no fear of what i was eating or putting up my nose you take it for granted then you're fucking you know years later like now i sit here at night and i'm like i can't even imagine having a drink I can't even imagine doing a line of Coke now.

I think I would have a heart attack right off the bat. If you showed me Coke, I think I would die. That's how far removed it is from my mind. I was always somebody who wasn't scared of drugs. The only thing I was scared of was edibles. That was the only shit that ever put me somewhere where I was like, I can't handle this. Like I fucking did acid out of fucking not.

even looking at how much it was fucking the first time i took shrooms i took seven grams so every time after that i would take seven grams or more and i was like 16 on my birthday it was fucking so every time i did and they were fucking like blue caps too i was on another fucking planet my friend this girl threw up a match like she figured out that after she's like oh i must have drank like like a can of beer or something that somebody put a fucking match in or whatever but she was like i'm not feeling good. And everybody like when you're, if you're drunk and you're throwing up, you're like, I want to be alone. When you're on mushrooms, you're like, yeah, what can we do for you? You know, we'll put your fucking feet in a, in a warm bath while you're throwing up, you know,

whatever you want. And she's like, uh, over the toilet and she starts throwing up and just a fucking like burnt match showed up in the toilet and we fucking laughed forever, man. But like, the only shit I ever had a bad and like coke you know I always hear in movies like oh this is how much coke you could do I'm like really because I think it's a lot more like I don't ever and then people were saying like you could get poisoning from fucking aspirin this and I'm like I had times where I took 30 Vicodin like and and there was no so what I don't know I just you hear the shit and you're like okay like I guess it sounds right but edibles and if I took one Valium, I was rocked.

Like, volume just didn't agree with me for some reason, but like anything else. Edibles for me would put me, it was the only time I was ever on drugs where I was like, I just want this to stop. Like, please, like, I just, I need it to stop. I was never in my life on Coke, ecstasy, this where I was like, I want it to end. Like, you know, like, please, like, I'll do anything. Just make it go away, you know? There were hangovers where I.

felt that way, you know, where I was like, please, I just can't, I can't handle this anymore, you know, I'm fucking puking up black stuff for fucking three days, you know, I can't eat anything, I can't drink anything. That was when I was like, I can't handle this, especially like when I, I went to Vegas for two weeks and I stayed for like under two years. I think it was like 18 months, whatever it was, but like I, some of the nights partying there and just being alone and waking up alone and you're in the fucking dry desert and I had like Florida ceiling windows and you'd fall asleep with the fucking the curtain open

and you'd wake up with the fucking 7 a.m. Vegas sun just blasting you in the face. You wake up you're like, I'm not home. You get so fucking dry and you're fucking throwing up and you're like, this is the word. I just hated for some reason being hungover in New York was easier for me than fucking Vegas. I don't know if it's the dry,

if it's just from like the fucking strippers every night and being like I don't know what something about Vegas those hangovers would just be vicious

Oh that's the reason why I quit because I cannot deal with fucking hangovers That was my That was it I couldn't deal with hangovers So that's why I stopped the drinking and the coking And the whole fucking thing

What day is just How am I feeling now? I'm feeling good now. I've been here 11 months now, and I finally started feeling good about three or four weeks ago. You know, I did a bunch of tests to see what was going on, blood test. And it was basically the withdrawals from Xanax when I started tapering again. And then everything came back.

I'm okay. I feel a lot better. I feel a lot fucking better. I take care of myself. I've been sleeping well, I've been eating good, you know, I've been working out like a fucking lunatic. And just being a dad. And that's been great lately. It agrees a lot with me.

So maybe it's time for you to get married and have some kids, Mr. Heila. I don't know. I think I'm fucking too selfish with my time. Like I remember, like, I was watching, like, the NBA finals or whatever. called one of my buddies who we used to talk about basketball all the time. I'm like, did you see that fucking game or whatever? And he started laughing. I'm like, well, he's like, I have two daughters.

One is eight, one is four, wherever. He's like, do you know the last time I watched what I wanted to watch on TV was, he's like, unless they're sleeping. And then I just want to go to bed. He's like, they, if I'm watching TV in the living room, they come out of the living room, they jump on me, oh, I want fucking Peppa Pay, whatever the kids are watching. And then he's like, so I'll put it on, as soon. soon as I think I could slip away, I go in the other room to start watching TV,

and then they're in there in fucking 60 seconds, jumping on me, hop it's like they know, you know, he's like, I don't, and he's like, you know, once you go through three weeks of that, the first three weeks, he goes, I just gave up. He's like, now I just sit there and I fucking, all I watch is cartoons and I do this and I don't, you know, Jamie, uh, she talks about it on the podcast, but she was dealing, uh, with stuff with, and again, like you talked about. It was definitely from her son was two years old in L.A. And they didn't leave the house for fucking months because of COVID. And there was no school.

And there was this. So, you know, she was dealing with him. They're like, oh, you have fucking, is it this? She had to go see doctor with the kid. Is it sensory issues? Is it there? And you know what's funny? It's like, none of the doctors were like, yeah, it's fucking being locked up in a house for,

for fucking six months when you're at the craziest time of growing. growing in your life. You're fucking two years old. Everything you see is supposed to be new. He's like, he's the only two-year-old who's like sick of what he's looking at, you know? Like he's walking around the house. He's like, yeah, I know. Like mom's here, fucking dad's here, the dogs here, whatever.

So they went to Austin. But it made me think of like, I don't know if I want kids. If everything turns out perfect, you know? God forbid I fucking have a problem with the chick or the kid has issues and this. And now that becomes my life. And I'm like, man, I don't know. I think I just, I fucking love my time, man, my free time. But I don't know.

Maybe I'll meet the right girl and that'll go away. I don't know. It was always a pleasure, man. It's always a pleasure to see you. Always a pleasure to talk to you. When we text and stuff at night, it's always great. Thank you for making time for me this week, buddy. That was a great fucking podcast.

I love all that shit. I love drunk talking. Anytime, man. I'm like you know with you at Christina P is the same way like when you guys ask me about the podcast and you're like oh thank you and this I'm like thank you I fucking love doing it and I don't know if it's like because I watch so much of your podcast before we met or because of like the East Coast vibe or what it is but it's like we only hung out a couple of times in person and I feel like I've known you forever forever yeah it's one of those things where you're just like oh okay and that's you know there's so many people who like you know there's so many people who like you know there's like, you meet Joey Diaz. There's nobody like him. And for me growing up in New York, I'm like, I see Joey Diaz and I'm like, oh, like, you know, like this, it makes me feel at home. You know, I'm not like, it's just, yeah, it's nice, man.

It's a very, you know, you, there's a lot of people and I'm probably one of them where like, I'm out in L.A. I'm from New York. Somebody could not know that. You know, they could see me and be like, oh, this guy's fucking from L.A. or whatever, he's drinking a fucking green juice and doing fucking yoga or whatever. But it's like you never lost it for one second, you know? As soon as you, there's no, like, you know,

I guess where I'm from, you know. I love it. I made sure that I didn't lose it. You know, I made sure. I talked to my friends. I kept that New York state of mind. And I fucking, you know, I'm like you. I'm a New Yorker, man.

You can't take that away from anybody. I moved to Jersey in 73. but for those first seven years, I lived in fucking Manhattan on 88th Street, so we got the fucking juice, and I used to run in Harlem, so you know how we do it, man. But it's always a pleasure.

Keep me posted and stay in touch. You know, I love you at all my heart. Yeah, man, love you too. It's great to see you. Thanks for having me on. Abs of fucking looting, and we'll talk next week, all right, buddy? Thank you for always keeping in touch with me.

Love you, my man. I love you, man. Stay black. All right. I hope you enjoyed this. episode with Robert, we talked about a lot of weird shit fucking licking

fucking cocaine from a toilet. It's the truth. Why would I lie to you motherfuckers? There was a couple pubic hairs in there, there was shit around the brim, there was piss, but I did it. So, this is why today I'm a fucking savage. You know, besides

swimming in the Hudson and shit like that, how can I not take the fucking vaccine after fucking thinking about that? You figure it out. I'm sure a lot of you fucking guys, did some crazy fucking things. I don't know if you ever lick coke from a toilet bowl, but hey, whatever. It's fucking experience,

and that's what we're talking about today. Whether it's the comedy experience or the life experience, we got them all fucking covered to you. Thank you very much for watching this week's joint. Thank you for the support, and thank you for support and laughing gas. It should be back at the ice cream cake this week.

If not, check out next week. It should be back there. talk i haven't spoken for them in a few days but i'll check in with them today after we do wrap this motherfucker up i love you guys i'll see you next monday morning tip top mcgoo ready to go and now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors jack all right i want to thank my man robert isler i want to thank mike i want to thank you motherfuckers but most importantly i want to thank you guys for the support and love that you give us every week you know what man We're slipping, but you're still there, and that's why I love you, cock suckers.

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It's over, but to shouting, you got this, cock suckers.