The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #089 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, August 16th..... This episode is brought to you by Draftkings, Better Help & Manscaped..... Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY - PROMO CODE: JOEY 20% Off & FREE SHIPPING! Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday the 16th of August. The joint is brought to you by. You ready? Draft Kings, bitches. Ding, ding! Get ready for the fight of the fucking summer. It's Pachial versus Ougas hits Las Vegas this fucking Saturday the 21st.

Draft King's Sportsbook, America's top-rated sportsbook, has a knockout offer for you. You ready? Grab a pen. Draft Kings is offering 100 to one-on-on-office. odds on a punch being landed at any point during the fight. You won! You won! Unless the other guy just fucking drops when he hits the canvas.

Just pick a fighter to win, and Draft King's Sportsbook will give you 100 to one odds with a single punch. Are you hearing what I'm saying? Bet $1 on either fighter when your punch lands during the fight, you get $100 and free credits. Draft Kings will make you a contender. Use promo code joy when you sign up to turn a dollar into $100 and free credits when you bet on either fight and a punch is landed during the fight. It's that easy. Don't pull your punches, get in the ring with draft kings and footballs upon us, college and pro. Place your bet and draft kings will give you $200 in credit for either college or pro football.

And now if you bet a dollar on the boxing match and they land a punch, you get $100. Do me a favor. Go to Draft Kings right now. Download the sportsbook app right now and enter code Joey, J-O-E-Y. Here's a little couple rules. You got to be 21, New Jersey, Indiana, Pennsylvania only. Restrictions apply. See draftkings.com slash sportsbook for details.

Now, if you got a gramming problem, go get help. Call 1-800 gambler. Call fucking, uh, better help. Call somebody who can help you. If you're in Indiana, call 1-800-9 with it. But if you're straight and you're not going to have any fucking problems with this, download the Draft King Sportsbook app and let's win some fucking Guitors this weekend. The joint is also brought to you by one of my favorites,

manscaped this is what Dax Shepard she needs him and his fucking wife not taking showers and those other filthy fucking Hollywood couples can you imagine

what their asshole smells like and all that shit those fucking celebrities are filthy listen manscape could fucking help them

with the special transmission Houston we have a problem it's the fucking pubs achieve total weightlessness with manscape blast your fucking

pubs into a another fucking dimension. And it all starts with the Lomore 4.0. Listen, I love Manscape. I shave my nuts. I shave around the fucking pole of death. I haven't shaved my asshole yet because it's not needed. But if I was swinging on that fucking corner, my asshole would be nice and shiny. This razor has gone where no man has gone before. Both your balls and Uranus. Their advanced skin safe technology features a ceramic blade to reduce. reduce fucking nix and grooming accidents.

Plus, the lawnmower 4.0 has 7,000 RPM motor and a travel lock. It's even fucking waterproof. The new lawnmower has an LED light that's brighter in the fucking sun. The weed whacker is waterproof and uses the same skin technology that you use on your balls only on your face. So do me a fucking favor right now. Go to Manscape.com slash Joey. Again, that's Manscape.com slash Joey. The performance package 4.0 is now fucking global.

You get anywhere. Africa, Singapore, Australia, Europe, you cannot find a better deal in this fucking galaxy. They're going to give you 20% off. They're having a midsummer sale. Plus free shipping. At Manscape.com slash Joey.

That's Manscape.com slash Joey. That's 20% off free shipping at manscape.com slash Joey. Your fucking spaceballs will fucking thank you. Now without further ado, let's get this party started. The joint is coming your way, cock suckers. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. The 16th of August, we're officially halfway there.

And then some. That's it. You're like fucking. schools have started, like in the Midwest, in the South. My daughter goes back to school, I think September fucking 13th of some shit, but that's it. This is the last week of camp, and it's going to be a hot, hot fucking summer after this. It was a great week last week. I want to talk to you guys about a few fucking things on a beautiful Monday morning.

I'm feeling good. I'm looking good. I'm smelling good. Let me tell you something. I always fucking smell good, okay? I might have a little whang to me sometimes after I, I lay somewhere or I go to a gym. But I was reading this week somewhere about celebrities that don't bathe their fucking kids or what the fuck is wrong with people.

I want to know what the fuck is wrong with people. Bathing. Cleanliness is next to godliness. All right? That's what I fucking heard when I was a young fucking kid. That cleanliness is next to godliness. How to fuck are you not going to take showers? But let me tell you something.

And I was talking about this on the Patreon podcast. That's a big thing in Hollywood For you people who don't know And they're sitting around That's a way to get attention That's the reason Matthew McConaughey does it There's a bunch of actors That they'll come into a set

And you'll smell them Eight minutes before they fucking get there Dog, I've been on two sets I'm not going to discuss it You could smell the fucking onion in the air They get there And they think it's cool Because they stick out

It's another way of sticking out. It's stinking. So, you know, it's like a fucking hip thing for them. Trust me, I learned about it in Boulder. You don't know how many fucking girls I did Coke with, and after 20 minutes you smell this weird odor in the fucking air, and you're like, what the fuck is that smell? And then you get close to them,

and you smell their bodies, and they'll tell you that they don't use deodorant because they don't want to fuck up the fucking whatever system, the ozone layer. Listen, I don't give a fuck about the ozone layer, as long, if you're stinking, that's all that matters to me. I'm not worried about the fucking ozone layer, and neither should you. It's 2,000 million fucking miles away.

I'm not a fucking scientist, but I don't think, the only way you could ruin the ozone is with that stink from under your armpits. That stink will ruin the fucking ozone. That will fuck it up completely. I don't understand any of that shit. I don't like it, you know, but that's big out in Hollywood. A lot of, you read it, that these, people that don't bathe their kids unless they're fucking physically dirty. Are you fucking

kidding me? Have you ever smelled your kid after school? They stink. My daughter stinks after fucking school. My daughter's eight and she had to start using deodorant when she was fucking six. She had a little wang to her and I'm like, dog, you got to start wearing fucking deodorant. So she puts the odorant on twice. She takes two showers a day, one before school and one at the end of fucking the night at 8.30 to get that. chlorine and kids breath and fucking the stink off how to fuck don't you bathe your kids guys you know listen i'm going on a fucking year next week of being here and i got to be honest with you know you never know when you do things you never know what to expect when you move you never

know what to expect when you go to a new restaurant you never fucking know you go you try the experience out you have something in your head you have a preconceived notion in your head of what you're going to do. I mean, I did when I came here. You know, when I left Hollywood last year, I left to move here so my daughter could go to school. My expectations were going to be the same. I was going to come here, give a little breather, wait for the clubs to open, you know, and then go back to my fucking life. Once I got here, I realized that I didn't like that life anymore. I mean, I just did not like it at all anymore. You know, Mike

and I were just talking about Miss Pat. Okay? I want to congratulate Miss Pat on her new show on BET. I'm very proud of her. Anybody knows Ms. Pat? Anything about her? She's worked really hard to get this show on here. That book that she put out was

great. And the TV show, I have not watched it yet, but Mike says it's fucking great. And I heard it from my neighbor. She asked me if I knew Ms. Pat. I go, yeah, she goes, oh my God, I watched the show. was great. I am very proud of Ms. Pat, but I'm going to tell you what I'm not proud of.

Okay? Miss Pat should have been, and I'm not saying nothing bad about BET. I love BET. I watch Hustling Float the other night. BETT put on some good fucking movies during the week. I got nothing against BET. BETT's a good

network. You know, they're great. The African Americans, they give them a fucking whatever. I know Miss Pat for a long time. Miss Pat's a hell of a comic, a hell of a person. with a hell of a fucking story. Miss Pat belongs on ABC or NBC. And I know she can't curse, she can't do this.

Miss Pat is such a star. She'll figure it the fuck out. But this is what bothered me about the new Hollywood. They didn't respect acting for comics. They did not respect it. They didn't give it the light it deserved. The agents have found an easier way to make money. They found low-hanging tree, which is called The Road.

And what are you watching now? What are you seeing now? You're seeing all these young comics getting COVID eventually. You know, every week a new comic has COVID. You know, every week, look at Jimmy Florentine. He was supposed to see four fucking shows. It started with Limp Biscuit last week. On Friday at the Stone Pony outside at the Outdoor Stift.

age. How safe is that? Fucking safe as fuck. Limp Biscuit canceled last Friday with an half hour. Half hour before the fucking show. They canceled. Jim Florentine, his brothers, they all drove down there. They were standing there and Limp Biscuit fucking canceled.

Leonard Skitton. Lett's get it canceled next week. I don't know if they canceled in Jersey, but they had to cancel four fucking shows. He's still up in the air by Leonard Skinnett. I guess Saturday night last week he was supposed to go watch somebody. down there again.

They got sick. They fucking canceled, but they canceled in the afternoon. That's not bad. Driving down Atlantic City, then you get pissed off. And then he was supposed to go see somebody last night. And he called me last night about 5.30

when I was taking mercy to kickboxing to tell me, or the Friday night, to tell me that fucking, the show he was going to Friday night got canceled because the guitar player. That's four fucking guitar players, caught it. Now, my friends went to see Guns and Roses.

and they notice something. I know for a fact that Guns and Rose is doing a bubble. Nobody's allowed backstage, no talking, no hanging out. They each go their own way after the show. They get in their car, and that's the car they drive with. That's the driver they drive with. He's not allowed to see nobody. They're not allowed to do nothing.

I mean, listen, it works, but that ain't the road. It works, but that ain't the road. When you go on the road, it's to talk to people. It's to embrace people. People want to take pictures with you. People want to see you. If you got to walk around with a fucking COVID bubble on you, that's not the road. For that, you might as well stay at home.

That's why I'm doing what I'm doing. I have nothing against comics going out right now, but it's not a good fucking time. So right now, like I see Ms. Pat doing this show, which she taped before, you know, I guess maybe six months. months out. I don't know what the taping schedule is. Maybe it was four months out. Who the fuck knows? You know, when you act, when you go to do a movie now, like I have to do this thing, right? In two weeks, I got to be there one day earlier just to take a COVID test and wait in my room. Then you're not really allowed to mingle too much. Monday, I do another. Once I get my test back, I go to wardrobe like I did for the Apple TV show I did. And that's all you do for the day.

Tuesday morning you get up again and you fucking take a rapid COVID test and they let you on the set and I'm shooting two episodes so I guarantee you they're going to test me before the second episode. I'm not angry. I'm not mad. I mean, it's part of the fucking game. When you walk into a comedy club or a musician walks into a theater or an arena, they're not testing you. They're not really, you know, they don't really know who's coming up to you or whatever.

In other words, it's not a good time to fucking travel if you're in a band right now. Right now, how many fuck? Oh, Iron Maiden, Bruce Dickerson's got it. You know, it's just, guys, it's just eventually, like I said last week, it's going to get you. All you could do is be prepared. But at the same time, what pisses me off about Hollywood is

this is the time to get all these hitter comics. Bill Burr. you know even though bill's got an animated show on tv what about bert and fucking tom how about a buddy show on fox give them what they want who gives the fuck you give worthless people more money than you'd give those two fucking comics you give people how many fucking shows has dach shepherd fucking killed how many fucking shows has dach shepherd been on that have been canceled and they keep giving them fucking shows they keep giving them fucking shows they keep giving this fucking guy shows. I got nothing against Dak Shepard, but he's never said a funny fucking thing in his life. Okay, I'm a fucking stand-up comic. I know what it is to go up there

when fucking, there's 200 people in the fucking audience. He is not a funny guy. How many fucking shows are they gonna give him? But you got Miss Pat on fucking BET in the Dungeon on Channel 138. Miss Pat belongs on 247 or 11, which is Fox, depending on your area. Check your local fucking listings.

I have no idea. where the fuck they're at. So you're going to put this fucking stiff on again to kill another fucking show and Miss Pat sitting at there in BETVille. A fucking wave from everything. She belongs on NBC, CBS, ABC. That's the network.

She belongs in Fox. The same thing with Bert. The same thing with Tom. The same thing. Give Whitney Cummings and fucking Christine, whatever. What the fuck is Theo doing? You know, what the fuck of these people doing?

So that makes you think as a fucking consumer. I sit here every fucking night watching this shit fucking TV. How many fucking times can CBS put Blue Bloods on? How many fucking times? How many fucking law and order fucking shows? You know, and they're all fucking reruns. Let's get one of these fucking hitters. Miss Pat, right now is COVID-Ville.

You don't want to have your comics out. What did I tell you guys? If I'm a manager, I call my client and go, right now it's not the fucking time for you to be sailing around with a fucking umbrella. Right now what you should be doing is going to your local comedy club developing your fucking act so it could be the best act

it could be when this motherfucker blows up you're not up on stage talking about hacky shit and fucking COVID like I'm doing now. You're talking about life. That's what I would be doing. If I was doing stand-up comedy right now, I'd be at fucking Uncle Vinnie's every night

doing a guest spot, doing a set, fucking getting down, preparing. for a year from now. So I can go right back into a fucking special and boom. The special comes out and now you're prepared. By the time all this shit,

listen, this is going to be a five-year fucking window. We have a five-year window until all this disappears. Five fucking years. I saw this the other night on 60 minutes or whatever. The fuck one of those fucking TV shows that you sit there at night.

Like, I'm sitting there at night waiting for fucking Alonzo Bowden. I'm sitting there waiting for Tom Rhodes. I'm sitting there. waiting for somebody who's fucking funny on television, and you keep giving me these fucking comedic actors that don't know dick about dick. This is what my point is.

So whose fault is this? Is it Hollywood's fault? Is it the fucking agent's fault? It's all their fucking faults. Then you wonder why I ran out of there like my ass was on fire. Ran out of that. They didn't respect the game no more.

They don't respect the game no more. They don't respect the ability of comics anymore. You know, Louis C.K. did a great fucking job for comics going up there writing he would edit his own show he would cut it he would cast it just to show you what a comic could fucking do the strength of a fucking comic

is so strong there is nothing we can't fucking do right act fucking you know punch it up so it could be really fucking funny you give us time and we'll do it just like Roseanne did it just like Tim Allen did it just like you know

but they don't want to do that no more these agents don't want to do that no more And the clients don't want to do it. Every time the agent has it, let's take it to Netflix. Fuck Netflix. Fuck Netflix. We need this on ABC. We need a fucking network behind this.

We need this on NBC. We need that 30 fucking years of knowledge behind this. Why is fucking Russell Peters in fucking Liberty City, Ohio? What? He can't put on a fuck. You know, this is what I'm saying, guys. They don't give a fuck. These agents have gone rogue.

They don't give them. Send them out. Let them get cold. You know. And listen, if you throw enough spaghetti on the wall, eventually one's going to stick. Trust what I'm telling you. Wait to the first come. It goes out of fucking control and ends up in the fucking ICU.

Let's see what these fucking agents are going to do that. What the fuck are they going to do that? I'm telling you, this whole thing is crumbling. You know, Mike and me are my B-E-T. Why? Was that that? Why? Because that's the last. So these agents never even called to Ms. Pat and said, look, this is a fucking, this is a hit here. This is a fucking hit here. And I hope that she does like two seasons on BET. And I hope that maybe they moved the show. You know, for a lot of people who don't know, Bill Maher started on Comedy Central fucking 30 years ago. Politically incorrect was on Comedy Central. When I got into comedy, politically. politically incorrect was on Comedy Central. Then after a few years, he sold it to ABC. And ABC, it grew with ABC.

That's the evolution of a real fucking comic. But think about it. Shouldn't there be more fucking comics on TV? Bert had a great show with that fucking one I did when we ate the emu and all that shit. It was kind of reality. It was a great show. Have you seen it again? Netflix is fucking like, you know.

What about Duncan Trussel's fucking. fucking show midnight whatever what happened to that they still haven't given them a fucking answer that's what happened gabriel's show they canceled on netflix they weren't getting enough people go fuck yourself netflix doesn't tell you the fucking numbers they refuse to tell you they'll tell you did good but they won't give you the exact fucking number i need a number i need a fucking number but all those sitcoms on netflix they don't fucking work i don't know what happened to narcos you know Cobra Kai comes back in fucking December.

Where'd you go to Japan this shoe? Cobra fucking Kai? Where'd you fucking go? A fucking year and a half to fucking do this shit. So. They started on YouTube. Yeah, they started on YouTube fucking Red. So you have to.

And they got two great comics on there. They have Brett Ernst and they have the other guy that I did The Meatball King with. That was a show on Disney. That was a show on Disney, a kid's show. I did The Meatball King. I played the Criminal, the Meatball King. and they had a falafel guy on there.

He's a nice little Arab guy. He's on Cobra Guy. He works with Brenner and says the dealership. But that's why, listen, they don't have the respect for comics they used to have. They just don't. Oh, yeah, yeah. We'll get you a TV show.

We'll do this. We'll do that. Next thing you know, you're in fucking Grand Rapids, Michigan. Sitting in the room staring at a picture of Robin Williams. Thinking to myself and my next. And my next, should I fucking hang myself? I mean, I'm in Grand Rapids This week.

Next way I got to go to Iowa City. The week after that, I go to fucking Boise. My career is on a fucking role. Fuck you. Let's put something together. Let's get us... That's what I would tell my clients right now.

Listen, there's no fucking road. It's just too unsafe. I don't want you getting hit in the head with a fucking bottle. There's a dog. I hear thousands of stories. The planes ain't running right. You know, luggage ain't getting there.

Why? would you want to do this shit? It's like you fucking momos that are going on vacation. I hope you fucking crash. You fucking playing into a mountain, you stupid motherfuckers. How stupid can you fucking be going on vacation, paying extra fucking money for what?

For a hotel room that you're going to, you know, what the fuck is wrong with people? Mind your fucking business. Go to a cookout outside. You know, I'm the king of cookouts outside. I don't even want to go inside.

When I pee, I go to my car and pee in my little surgery bottle. I don't even want to go to your fucking bathroom. If I got this shit, I come all the way home. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. But you fucking morons going on vacation, 10 days? What do you think happens if you get fucking COVID when you're on vacation?

You got to sit in that fucking room and pay an extra fucking eight days. Wait, the hotel's going to pick it up. Because I got COVID. Who gives a fuck? It's 300 a night, motherfucker. It used to be 129 a night. And now it's 300 a night. And you're going to pay those five nights until you fucking get it.

get cured or whatever the fuck happens until you have got to stick how many how many fucking things are going to stick in your nose i'd take another fucking test tuesday this week so i'm i'm over it but i have an answer and these networks listen tell these fucking guys tom burr all their tours aren't going to start till september all these big tours some of them are starting next week some of them start this week the 15th the 16th you know they're putting mandates you want me to go on stage and crack joke for a bunch of people with mask on how shitty is a show going to be if you got to wear a fucking mask and go to that show and sit there i can't fucking relax i'm going to go to see a fucking guns and roses with a mask on you better you better

check yourself before you wreck yourself that's not going to fucking happen i think the mask mandate starts September 13th in New York. That means you got to go inside and sit with a fuck. You can't even go to a gym without a fucking COVID pad. I mean, a fucking gym. I got a show proof of fucking whatever to go to a fucking gym now. I don't know where this is going.

I have no fucking idea. You know, me, I'm playing it by ear. I'm going to play it close to my chest. You know, I'm going to, I got to drive in a few weeks to fucking shoot this TV show. I'm not, listen, I'm not too happy about it, but I have to do it. I have to work. And that's the easiest thing I could do to not get sick and not get my family sick.

It's all on the up and up. They're testing. You know how much of fucking COVID ads to a TV show? $400,000. Think about that. Every show that gets made now on TV, add an extra $400,000. Now, listen, you know, when you shoot a TV show, when I shoot a TV show, when I first got to LA, there was money to be made. You can make great money shooting a TV show, especially after like season three, season four, you get fucking paid.

Let's not bullshit each other. The money that they're going to spend in COVID is going to come out of somebody's pocket. It's not going to come out of these dirty producers fucking pocket. Those motherfuckers, they'll let you die before they give you money out of their fucking pocket. Trust me. I have to next week, I have to sit on my computer for a fucking hour one day next week

and go through my sag residuals and see who the fuck ain't sending me residuals and file complaints against them. You know how many times I got to do that a year? Twice a year. And when you realize what they're stealing from you, it's like, really? Why would you steal?

this. But you have to think about if they steal it from everybody on the set. That's where the money is at. Like a year ago, a guy contacted me. And he's like, hey man, our show,

the one you did with me, got put on Netflix. You know, if you could blow it up for me. And I was like, listen, I ain't doing shit for you. And he's like,

what are you talking about, pal? I'm your biggest fan. I go, you never pay me receipts. all those years. I shot those shows in like 2000, fucking four and five.

Those shows ran for fucking years. Then they rebooted it and put them back on fucking MTV. And then they rebooted it and put them back on Netflix. You know how much money I've gotten from them? Zelch, okay?

Zelch. Not a fucking dime I've gotten from them. This fucking guy calls me up. He's like, you got to fucking retweet it for me. Please do me the favor. I said, I ain't doing shit. You got to pay me something. Give me five grand. Give me two grand.

You know, I did six fucking episodes, seven episodes of your show, and you're not going to give me a fucking residual. But that's what they're about, guys. I don't ever want you to think that, oh, you go to Hollywood, you're on the up and up. Are you fucking crazy? I was telling somebody a while ago, when I was working on TV and films a lot more,

and stand-up was like maybe 40% of my income. This is back 2007, 2006, 2005. Stand-up was a very small percentage of my income. It was basically movies and TV shows. Do you know how many fucking people had a threat on the phone? Do you know how many times I had a call and say, where the fuck is my check?

TV and film is 10 days. After you shoot a TV show or a movie, the production sends your agent a show after 10 days. Guess what your agent does? He keeps the check for 30 to 60 days before he mails it to you. I don't play that shit. When you go on a set for all you young comics and young actors, when you go on a set,

when they give you paperwork, the last sheet, look at it and read the fine print. It'll tell you, do this sign this here if you don't want your check to get the agent your agent to get your check i would always fucking sign it and they wouldn't get shit they would call me a week later and go hey man we just realized you didn't sign the paperwork we're not getting your check why do you need my check the job was six hundred dollars you get 10% right i'll drop off 60 fucking dollars in the mail well that's not right why would you want my check you

want my check because you want to bank it and then get interest on my money even if it's for the three weeks even if it is six hundred dollars you know what six hundred dollars may not be nothing to him but it's a big fucking deal to me when i got to buy cat food and i got to make my car payment and i got to buy groceries do you understand why i'm going with this so on commercials it's fucking 30 days so if you shoot a commercial july to fourth you won't get a check until mid-August. And that's if you're on top of that fucking check. Like if you call your agent, go,

hey, I talked to the production company. Last Monday, the check is going on Wednesday. You should get it on Friday. I'll pick it up Monday. The fucking heads will blow up. They're like, what are you talking? That's what I would do. I would always beat them to the punch.

So as soon as I shot something, as soon as I'd sign the paperwork, and before I leave, when they'd sign me out, I'd ask the production company, when do we get paid? And they'll tell you, well, it's going through this corporation. It's going through, they have, like, different payment companies. I forget what they call now.

They slip my mind. There's, like, three big ones. I forget what the fuck they were. All your paperwork's always already there. Your W-2 is already there. They just use one of the three fucking people. So I became, Doug, you know me. When it comes to money, you know how they tell you with COVID?

Follow the science. Well, fuck you. Follow the money, Jack. You know, right now, I don't know if you guys saw what the makers of those vaccines made into fucking hundreds of billions of dollars. So while you're following the science into the pocket of fucking Moderna's pocket

and Johnson and Johnson and all these people, you got to follow your money when you do fucking anything. Listen, anything in life you got to follow your fucking money. Last night I was talking to my brother two nights ago, you know, the framer, George. I love him with all my heart. Some guy was supposed to give him a check.

When he called the guy, his friend had the fucking check, and he hangs out at this bar. Then it looks like you're going to the fucking bar to get your money. I don't give a fuck to the vehicle. Well, he doesn't have the check. His friend has my check. Well, let's go get the one friend to take you to the other friend, and he'll fucking get your money.

Remember Goodfellas? When they took the guy to the Lions, they pick him up and take me to your friend. Take me to your fucking friend. That's it. I'm not fucking playing games. Why do you think I thought, listen, the guy that represents me now in New York, the agent, great guy. I love Dave with all my heart. Gay guy, love him to death.

We were friends. We were always friends. We talk once a week. He called me this week the same. I got no luck with you. I had an audition in the alley this week, but I couldn't get one in New York, and I'm not going. They kept calling me, when are you putting the tape together? What are you putting the tape?

Listen. And then my agent had the boss to call me and go, there's another movie, and they're working in the Dominican Republic. That's what I want to do is go to a third world fucking nation right now. You know, you look at Cuba. You know what's going on in Cuba right now? Cuba had it together.

Last year when we talked about Cuba on COVID, they had it together. They had like 37 fucking cases. But what happened in Cuba was they got greedy. They shut down tourism for a while. And after COVID last year, they had to open it back up. And what do you think went down there?

Those fucking Canadians? and those Germans and the Italians. Anybody who visits Cuba brought COVID now. Now, COVID's completely out of fucking control in Cuba. They're using hotels as makeshift hospitals outside ofana. That's what's happening in Dominican Republic. I have nothing against the Dominican Republic. I love that place.

I love Dominicans, great fucking people. Nothing. But I just don't want to go to Dominican Republic to shoot a fucking movie right now. That's just not going to fucking happen. None of that shit's going to happen. I'm avoiding a fucking plane with all my heart. Let me put it to this way.

My wife was supposed to go to Tennessee with Mercy. They kabashed it. Because not only are you getting hit with COVID now in the Midwest and in the South, there's also that other thing going. That's RPV. It's like a kid's fucking pulmonary fucking thing. RPV, APV. I don't know what the fuck it is.

So what's going on with this is kids were inside all winter. Kids were inside. They didn't get a chance. to build their immune systems. This APV shit, whatever the fuck it is, anybody correct me, RPV, whatever this little disease is. It's a lung disease,

just like fucking COVID. It's a smaller fucking disease that kids get in the winter. They shouldn't get in the summer, but it's spreading fucking rampant. So what I think is going on is people are going to the hospital to test for,

they're not testing them for RPA. that test them for COVID and they're coming up fucking positive. All these kids, all of a sudden now they're saying kids are in hospitals and Florida and fucking Texas and shit. It's not COVID. HPV.

Whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. So you've got to worry about that now with your kids. So planes and shit is out for a while. It's over. I don't need to be on a fucking plane. There's nobody I want to see. There's nowhere I want to do. Whatever I need to eat I could eat here.

and I'm good to go. And, you know, this is what kills me right now with comedy and music. You know, right now, I don't know what the Eagles are going to do next week with the garden. I think the Eagles are supposed to start a fucking tour, all these people, you know, unless you do this in a bubble like guns, and it's got to be like a short little, like if I was to tour right now, I wouldn't do October, November. I would probably do maybe January, February, and just compact it, do eight weeks, and that's the tour.

Go to eight places you want to go to for the year, and that's your fucking tour. If you get COVID, you get COVID. If you don't get COVID, well, then you fucking, you know, you could go home and suck your own dick. I don't fucking know what to tell you. But my point of this whole thing was that this is the time to develop a fucking show. Like right now I love to be talking to HBO to develop a show about my mother.

I love to be talking to Showtime anybody for me because I'm a fucking mutt. But Tom, Bert, I can name Ali Wong, I can name 10 comics right now that would destroy our network TV. One episode a week, just like Roseanne, just like Tim Allen. And I'm not fucking speaking out of line here. Nobody is falling into that fucking pipeline anymore. There is nobody in that pipeline. Yeah, Sebastian's got a cooking show. Ms. Pat's on BET.

I'm talking about the four main fucking stations. Why the fuck isn't one of us on there? Not me. Forget about me. I'm 58 years old. I'm dirty. I'm a fucking bum. I get it.

But I'm talking about, you know, I'm really happy for Sam J. Her show on HBO is fucking tremendous. I'm happy for her. You know, HBO is a great place for comics. They've always been very comic-friendly. You know, I love HBO. But it's time for network television to figure it to fuck out. We've got too many people at home and too many fucking comics that are tremendous, you know.

And I still remember what Roseanne said. Roseanne was basically the first person to ever make me feel, special for being a comic Roseanne was on Larry King Live I know she's got a couple interviews on there that are fucking whack but for every interview that she's got on there

that's whack I mean she's got an interview on there that she talks about Oprah going into her brain and stealing her ideas and shit with like whatever Roseanne is Roseanne that's the reason I love her Roseanne said something on there that was tremendous

Larry King asked Rosanne Why she didn't let the ABC Brass Into her Christmas party Roseanne was no fucking joke Rosanne I admire Roseanne Bar a lot not for what she did

Four years ago when she wanted a tirade and stuff Listen Roseanne's always been crazy But I look up to her as a comic A big time comic And I'll tell you why because Roseanne Barr said something. He asked her, why didn't you allow the ABC brass into your fucking Christmas party?

And she said that she was sick and tired of that bullshit. That at the end of the day, they didn't know dick. That they wanted her. Their plan when they got Roseanne on the air was to knock Cosby off the air. Even Cosby. While he was raping bitches, he was a comic. and they were fucking nurturing him on Thursday nights over there and he was doing whatever the fuck he was doing

I forgot all about Cosby there's another guy, a comic so nobody's in that pipeline guys they're not putting anybody to develop a fucking show and then they don't pick it up you know even with me they came to me one day we loved the pilot we love the pilot oh we're gonna go with something else

it was me Chris Spencer a bunch of us got deals at Fox nobody got it somebody else two other shows got picked up that never went anywhere. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. And Roseanne said it. She goes, listen, when you're a comic, you learn how to do everything. You learn how to greet.

You direct. You write. You coordinate. You do it all. Even me towards the end here when I quit, I was still doing everything on my own. I was still getting my plane ticket. I don't let nobody get my plane tickets. I get my own plane tickets.

You've never seen. Listen, I think I took three jokes from people over the years that came to me and said, hey, here's a joke for you. I wrote everything else. That's why the shit sucked. Because I wrote it. That's why it sucked. You know, I was never known for my fucking high level of material.

But I wrote it myself. I took one joke from somebody. Somebody actually said, used this. tag and it was a stolen fucking tag. I ended up getting into 18 fights. I had a spit in the guy's face. You know, it's not what I do. So I said, that's it. I'll never

take nobody else's material. But we write, we plan. You have to look at your notebook and decide, well, I already got three fucks there. I can't say another fuck here. I got to put the fuck there. And when you think about it, that's how fucking tedious

it really is. You have to go into your script that hard and go, okay, I already said that bit there. I'm already talking about pussy here. I'm already talking about lighting this guy on fire here. I can't keep mentioning it. You know, there's all these things that go into. When you watch Bill Burr's fucking, you know, paper tiger,

that's as brilliant as it fucking gets. Why Bill Burr? I mean, I'll tell you why Bill Burr is on TV because he told him to go fuck themselves a long time ago, too. You know, he did the animation thing because it just basically works. from them. But any real fucking comic

doesn't want to be on TV. And I'll tell you why, because of the fucking rules. The rules are brutal. You know, a network will send you shit constantly. You know, you don't see Chappelle doing TV no more. After that beat, you think of Comedy Central, you know, you just don't see it.

Yeah. They turn you on, you know what I'm saying? Like, they fucking turn you to fuck on and then, you know, you get burnt out on them. If they just leave you the fuck alone, they didn't bother Tina Fey all those years, and they didn't bother fucking Tracy Morgan on there all those years. And I don't know if you have an idea what comes out of Tracy's mouth.

Tracy is fucking out of his mind. But they did it the right way or at NBC. Nobody fucking bothered them. If you established that from the beginning, as a comic, if you go in there and on your third episode you tell the people like, listen, I don't give a fuck, this is what I'm doing.

They'll follow a suit with you. I don't know if a lot of you people know this. I don't know if I'm allowed to tell this story. I read it. I don't know if I'm allowed to say it, but I'm going to say it anyway. They told David Chase in episode seven of the Sopranos

that they didn't want to see Tony killing somebody. They explained to David, Chase over and over again that HBO didn't like the idea of a crime boss killing somebody that in real life, minions would do that for, you know, like lower guys on the totem pole would do that. David Chase disagreed and put the episode out as is of Tony Chokin, the fucking rat. HBO almost canceled the series.

HBO almost canceled the fucking show over Tony choking, the fucking guy. But when you're an artist, you do what you think is right. You're not an artist. You're a network. You went to college and then came out and became this with a college degree. It's not that you did a show for fucking 30 years. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. and that's what happened with Chappelle.

Think about if you've been doing comedy for 20 years and some fucking stupid white kid comes up to you, that's 24, and it's telling you how to write your show. You're not going to go for it either. Eventually, you're going to tell them to go fuck yourself. And that's the standoff. That's network, and that's you as a comic and a human being. When you became a comic,

you already were given the finger to society. So why are you playing this fucking game with these people because they're fucking paying you, the weekend club's going to pay you too. You say whatever the fuck you want and you do whatever you want and if you want to get your dick sucked in the green room you can you know, you do what the fuck you want.

I'm not saying get your dick sucks in the green room. You know, get your dick sick in the car. The green rooms usually have cameras now. They're a bunch of fucking perverts. But what I'm trying to say to you is that if you stick up for yourself and tell them exactly how the fuck you feel

and then at the end tag it. Listen, if this doesn't work for you, then we'll wrap it up. No, no, no, no. They've got money tied up in you. They've got money invested in you. You know, for years, I would call clubs, like my agent would call me and go, you're going to Buffalo this week.

Who are you bringing as a feature? And I would tell them, Dean Delray, Kate Quigley, George Perez. You know what the clubs would say to me? Oh, we already have a feature act. Do you mind coming by yourself and I would go, no, here's what you're going to do. We'll cancel the week and call me when you don't have a feature. That's your deal. So either I come in this week with who I want to, or I'll come in in six months with my feature.

Well, it's too late. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I'm not in business here to book the road for you. I'm bringing somebody with me. That's what headliners do. And that's what I'm doing, whether you fucking like it or not. And they would go, okay.

When I would negotiate for money, I would say this is what I want. And they would say, well, they can't give you that. Well, call me when you can give it to them. Until then, we'll just part friends. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's see what we could do. Yeah, let's see what we could fucking do. That's the mentality.

You got to tell them to fuck off. Like, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Get somebody else to fucking do it. Oh, you have 300 tickets sold. Oh, well, then you're going to have to do it. I don't give a fuck what you're thinking. It's not important what you're thinking.

It's what I'm thinking. That's fucking important. Not what you're thinking. I don't give a fuck what you're thinking. You bought a comedy club. You didn't have the patience to do what we do. You didn't want to fucking put the work in. Now you want to come in here and tell us how to run our show?

Take a fucking hike, my friend. Take a fucking hike. Go talk to somebody who doesn't know better. Speaking of know them better I want to talk to you guys about something I know you guys have been watching me for the last whatever I know I've had some

problems on the show you know when I first started I had some focus problems I had to do things you know I was fucked up is what I'm trying to say to you you know what I'm saying like before the knee surgery after the knee surgery I was a little fucked up

in the head I'll never forget that one day I was downstairs here on the computer and somebody rang the doorbell, like a neighbor of mine, and I was so out of it, like not on drugs or high or anything. I mean, I was just, I'm like, I'm not answering the fucking door. I'm just not fucking doing it, you know. I remember when I was in the halfway house. You know, I'm talking about the halfway house

because it was a fucking rough weekend this weekend. I wasn't a rough weekend. Sunday was my 33rd or 34th anniversary that I got sentenced in prison. It was August 15th, 19th. So it just I was talking to the you know we did the chapter this week on the kidnapping and that's the chapter that we're focusing on this week and all the bullshit And I was thinking about when I got in the fucking halfway house and I got into a when you first get to the halfway house you go to a seven man room But after you're there for a while and you get some fucking points they put you in the three man room and that's not bad The only thing that sucks about the three man room is that there's a bunk bed and then there's a

bed. So the guy who had the bed looked just like Jim Norton. Not Jim Norton. Ed Norton from the honeymoon is Ark Carney. He was his fucking twin, this guy. In fact, we used to call him Norton. And he'd say, stop calling me that. I don't look like Norton. Who gives the fuck? When I moved to a three-man room, it was Norton in the single bed, my main man, Alejandro Ray, and the bottom bunk, and they put me on the top bunk. I wasn't 400. hundred pounds than I was in shape then. And I used to have to climb the bunk bed and, you know, go to the bathroom and climb down. And it kind of sucked.

So one day I went to Alex, I go, Alex, listen, this is what we're going to do. We're going to get rid of fucking Norton. He's like, how are you going to get rid of him? I go, we're going to torture him until he taps out. You know, shit in his shoes, crazy glue on the phone. Anything we could do, we glued his fucking hat to the couch. I mean, if you could do it, we could do it. There was a slow torture.

He was a sweetheart of a guy. We didn't let him know we were torturing him. It was just like things would happen. You know, his car would be a flat tire. We just did different things to him. He was way older than us. You know, he was like my age now. I feel guilty telling you guys the story.

Because he was a sweetheart of a guy, but I was sick and tired of going to that top bunk. Okay. If it's between the top bunk and you, I got it. And I went to him like a man. I go, listen, do you mind sleeping on that? the top bunk. Me and Alex like to talk at night. He's like, no, nobody's getting that single bed.

All right. So I'm like, how can I get rid of this fucking guy? This went on for two months. We were torching him. We hid one of the sneakers. We, you know, we hit his forks. Anything we could do to this guy to make him like fucking think about his life. So I used to work in Westminster, Colorado at the time.

Westminster's next to 104th in Thornton. and there used to be a mall. I used to go to the movies, and there was a magic shop at the mall. You know, you go on them buy magic tricks and fucking fake eyes and all this shit. They also had those things you put in cigarettes. And when they light it up, the cigarette blows up.

So I was doing it to people. You know, I was doing it to a couple people. I was working this fucking cigarette thing for about three weeks. And one day I'm sitting in the car, and I'm like, fuck, maybe I should do this to Norton. Maybe this will be the fucking deciding factor. So I get home on a Friday night. All the invics are waiting for me.

I'm bringing in like a fucking ounce of Coke. I'm slinging coke from my whole tower room. This is crazy. The fucking BCTC was crazy. There was a chick Patrice twining. She was sucking dick on the first floor. You wouldn't even have to go into her apartment. She would just open the door and you'd just stand in the hallway.

Like holding out to her door. And she would get on her knees and suck your dick. And the counselors would go, hey, how you doing? Hey, how you doing? They didn't know you were getting your dick. She's like, can they see me? No, you're inside the fucking door. They can't see you.

We weren't allowed into the girls' apartments, but we could talk to them in the hallway. So, you know, after all that shit's done, I get my dick, suck, and I go upstairs, and I see that Norton left the cigarettes on the fucking counter. Dog, I fucking stuffed all those fucking cigarettes. What I mean, I stuffed them. I got a toothpick, and I fucking stuffed them in deep.

So if the first one, if you smoked over the, first one, the second one would get you. And then if you continue to smoke the cigarette, there was also one in the back to really knock you to fuck out. I put all his fucking, I put all the plugs in there. I had it all perfectly. And I fucking went to bed. We all went to bed, Norton came in last.

It was dark out. So we're in the bedroom and we're making a little fucking stupid, faggy noises. We're going like, ah, e, we're making all these noises. And Norton's like, he had a pillow on his head. He's like, well, you guys shut the fuck up? And we're giggling. We're still making noises and shit.

And finally, Eureka, this motherfucker gets up, all confused. He throws the pillow on the floor, and he goes on to the living room. The beauty was he didn't turn on the light. He just sat down at the coffee thing. Me and Alex held our breath. We're like, let's see what's going to happen. And sure enough, you hear a cigarette getting pulled out of the fucking more. box, you know, I'm just assuming he puts in his lips and I go, Alex, with five seconds

from D-Day, and all of a sudden you actually heard the light and go, and you see him go back, there was like a little shadow on the wall and there was nothing but darkness and all of a sudden you just saw, did you guys see the movie Heat when De Niro shoots fucking the guy at the end, the Mexican dude, Trejo, he shoots him at the end. They don't show you him shooting De Niro's shooting trail. They show you the house from outside, and you just see the sparks going up. You don't see any bullets.

You don't see any bodies. You don't see any guns. That's all we saw from the bunk bed was a shot of lightning. Pah! And then it went, pa! And I'm like, oh, shit. And I stuffed him so much. I thought his head had blown off his fucking shoulders.

when he lit that cigarette. We waited like five minutes. And I go, Alex, let's go check. He hasn't said a word. He didn't say anything for five minutes. We tiptoed out there, and we fucking just saw him. He was just sitting on his chair with the cigarette in his mouth. It was blown apart, and there was nicotine all over his shirt.

And he's just sitting there going like this. That's how I felt when I got here. And if that's how you feel right now, Better help is for you. Better help is an online counseling. They connect you with the perfect therapist. For me, it was Dana. I love it.

Okay, you can meet with them once a week, twice a week. You could email them on the site. They do the meeting with you on the website. You could do it on the phone through the website or on Zoom. It's cheap. And guess what? It works. I am not a therapy type.

a guy, but on this last fucking situation, I had to swallow my pride and go for it. I would never even talk about going to therapy. I went to therapy when I was in the halfway house, and I did not like it, I did not believe in it. And I got to tell you, after I moved

here, I was having problems. I spoke to Erica. She told me that she had gone to see an online therapist. At first, I was skeptical, and I got to be honest, you better help knocked it out of the park. I'm way better right now because they taught me different things.

They taught me how to cope with different situations, how to read my triggers, how to see when things are going to go awry. And I'll tell you what, I'm a better man. I feel a lot better. I'm sleeping a lot better. And yes, for years, I always said, go to your friends. Well, all my friends were fucking comics, so they were one jaded when they would give me the advice that I needed.

I went to BetterHelp and Dana knocked it out. They will connect you with the right therapist. Let's read what they have here. Better help is therapy for the 21st century. Again, this is not a crisis line. This is not self-help. Better help is professional therapy online. Listen, I am the most hardheaded person in the world.

I hate all that stuff. And I welcome this. When I have a call, like the first three times I would call her, like we would have a meeting, I would get anxiety, and I told her about it. And she goes, I'm happy you told me about it. This is what you need to do. And I wrote everything down.

Dana's great. They have a flexible schedule. You could do phone or video calls at your convenience. You get a good match. They'll put you with a licensed therapist who's right for you. And they did for me with Dana. One shot, they did it. I told them what my problems were, and they took care of them.

It's fast. And when you sign up, you can start talking to your therapist in less than 48 hours. No waiting around. It's affordable, and you don't have to be a fancy. ask New Yorker to pay for this and financial aid is available. So do me a favor. Just for the listeners of this podcast, BetterHelp has a great offer to help you get started. You ready?

Visit betterhelp.com right now. Help, h-elp.com putting code Diaz slash Diaz. And we're going to give you 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. And on top of talking to you, You can send them messages anytime. They'll get back to you within sessions. And if you want to switch therapists, you could do it any time for free.

BetterHelp.com slash Diaz for 10% off your first month. Back to the situation at hand now. Sorry about the glasses. I lost the other good ones. I lost two good pair of good reading glasses. I'm down to this one and another pair of reading glasses. And I got my prescription glasses somewhere around here. but the fucking arm broke

you know how that goes I don't have to listen they give you a little fucking screw like this if I got reading glasses and the reading glass breaks how can I put that little fucking tiny screw

in the fucking thing so you know you can't fucking one in this life and nobody can help you my wife has to fucking put glasses on too so my prescription glasses are sitting there

with a leg fucking broken it looks like a fucking tripod it's like I was telling you before better life better help better life what the fuck am I thinking like I was telling you before better help.

It was kind of rough this weekend. That wasn't rough at all. I just, when it comes to that prison shit, I keep it close to me. And I'll tell you why I keep it close to me in case I decide to think I could slip. I keep that prison and that thought close to me. I thought I was invincible when I was 25 years old.

And that kidnapping and that thing made me believe I wasn't invincible and that I was vulnerable and that I was a fucking idiot for doing what I did and I would never do it again. I'm very happy about my prison experience.

I didn't get raped. I didn't get fucked in the ass. I didn't fuck nobody in the ass. I got into one misunderstanding but that whole thing taught me patience. It taught me the patience I needed to become a man and to do something good with my life.

when you fucking sit somewhere and you think you're going to be in there for fucking seven months and you don't think about escaping or doing anything like that, you're on the right track. You're saying to yourself, I'm accepting what's going to happen to me. I'm accepting my karma. I'm accepting my fate. And now I can move forward that this is out of the fucking way. You know, it's like how I feel now.

For the last couple months, I had bad anxiety. I was getting, you know, I wasn't well. I was struggling as a human being, you know. But I knew that the more I stuck with it, I'd get better at it. You know, listen, like, as cliche and as faggy as this sounds, it's very true. Tough times don't last. Tough people do. You have to look at something and go, you know what?

This is where I am today. In three weeks, I won't be in this place. And this is what happened here. You know, I went to better help. I started identifying my fucking triggers. I started seeing what people's, you know, what my expectations were. I'm sick of repeating this. And what people's expectations were, I couldn't worry about what their expectations were.

That's their expectations. They have to deal with it. I don't give a fuck about that. And it's made my life a lot better, you know. For a long time, I was struggling here trying to beat myself up, why I'm not doing this, why I'm not doing that. You know why? Because I don't want to fucking do it.

That's the fucking answer to you. I don't want to fucking do it. I don't want to be involved in that, and that's just the way it is. You know, when I said goodbye to when I left Hollywood, I didn't know that I was saying goodbye to Hollywood. I didn't know. I had no fucking idea. I don't mind doing a couple fucking weeks in New York, like, acting.

I don't mind doing some simple acting. I don't want to get involved in 10 days or anything like that. One, two days on a project, I'm fucking in. That's the most I can handle right now. At least I'm being honest with you. That's the most I can handle. Anything after that, I'll start to get nervous. I was talking a little good buddy of mine yesterday,

and we were talking, he called me Friday night. He was going to dinner, one of the places that I usually go to up north. He was going to Rudy's. And he said that, you know, he's a mailman. He's 10 months from retiring, 9 months from retiring, he can't fucking wait. We've been friends since he was 12 years old, 14 years old. I moved in with the Runnies when I was 16, 17, and he was maybe 14, 12, 13, but I knew his brothers. I knew a bunch of kids, and he was telling me yesterday.

He goes, you know, I didn't know. He was telling me Friday that he went out to dinner Friday night, and this place is great. It's one of the best places I go to. The restaurant part is great because it's empty. When you walk in the bar, you just walk into a den of COVID. I mean, when you open the bar, you're like, if these motherfuckers don't have COVID, nobody does. You know, I love Rudy's. They got closed down because they had a COVID case, maybe January or February.

Everybody had a close down at least once. It doesn't reflect on who they are or if they're clean or not. You know, it was just COVID. It was fucking people up. But, you know, that bar gets packed in there and people don't give a fuck. I was in there one night eating dinner when I walked out. some guy said to me i gotta go home because my kids got COVID then what the fuck are you doing here at the bar breathing and shit but that's the way it is in there if you go in there but he was telling me he goes you know i've been

planned it great as a post as a mailman he goes i've been doing all this shit and when i walked into rudies one of the guys pulled me aside and was talking to me for 10 minutes while i waited to get my table and he goes right now i'm sweating that i got fucking covid you know because i was talking to him I was thinking about that I work so hard this whole 18 months not to get sick because he's real tight with his mother. He sees his mother. His mother's like 90. And he goes,

right now I'm blowing it because I'm talking to this fucking guy in a restaurant. And I know the guy he was talking to a good guy. Just they're all fucking drunks, the whole family. You know, who gives the fuck? My point is that, you know, I've been trying really hard not to get sick. I don't want to get sick. I know I got a lot of underlying problems, you know what I'm saying? But on the bright side, the doctor called me fucking Thursday when I was at the pool to fuck my day up.

He's like, Mr. Diaz, yes. He goes, this is Dr. Zuckerman. I'm giving you a call because I want you to come in to talk about your heart monitor tomorrow. I'm like tomorrow. The appointment was supposed to be on the 25th. He goes, yeah, I got a couple cancellations if you want to come in tomorrow. As soon as I hung up with that motherfucker, I wanted to fuck. and, you know, why is he calling me?

They're going to have to put a stent in my heart. I'm going to die. They're going to have to put a fucking box, whatever you call it, a pacemaker. I'm not going to get hard-ons no more. I mean, I was panicking. I walked in there yesterday, and the motherfucker's like, you're fine.

We put the model on you for 10 days. It looks like your fucking heartbeat disappeared, like that extra third beat disappeared. So come back and see me in six months and keep living your life. I was like, are you serious? He goes, you get the heart of a fucking bull. He goes, the last three fucking,

whatever, the hard things that they do when they put all the electrodes on you, he goes, the EKGs have been stronger than the first one. He goes, I don't know what to tell you. So I'm feeling better. Better help, worked. You know what I'm saying? I helped.

And just me doing this and please. pushing through and you guys give me the opportunity to come into your fucking living rooms or through your fucking car speakers twice a week has been great i know that i was damaged goods for a while and you guys didn't turn your back on me whether it was on patreon or on the joint so i owe you my fucking life that's why i come here every week and pour my heart out to you motherfuckers i don't give a fuck because if it if my fucking mistakes can make you stronger that's what i want that's the purpose of me doing this I'm 58 years old. I'm an old dog who's made a lot of fucking mistakes. You can see all the mistakes when you look at my eyes.

When you look at my fucking face, you can see the mistakes I made. I'm not ashamed of them because at the end, I got what I wanted. I got to come back to Jersey. I got a great family. I got a great friend. I got Mike. And we're trying to do the best podcast that we can, man. So I appreciate you guys having my back.

I appreciate you having on Patreon. I will not ask you to fucking come see me watch any fucking shows because I got none. You know, this is as safe as we can have it. We do our own Zoom. I do a Zoom on Wednesdays with a guest. And I do this one for you on Mondays just to let you know what's going on in my heart and my head.

I appreciate that you fucking guys watch today. It's Monday. It's a beautiful day to be alive. And this sets the tone for the fucking week. You understand me? So if you think you were having a fucking bad week, I hope now you feel better after you sat with me and we talked about Roseanne, Dax Shepard, and the rest of everybody else who's fucking out of their fucking minds anymore.

I love you, cock suckers. Have a great fucking day. Have a great Tuesday. And I'll be back Wednesday morning. Tip top motherfucking Magoo to serve you, cock suckers. I love you, motherfuckers. That's it. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors, later.

All right, you bad motherfuckers. Thank you very much for watching today. We made some good points. Who the fuck knows what they were? I have no idea what I talked about. But I'm happy you listened. I'm happy you watched real quick before we leave. The joiners brought to you by Draft Kings.

I fucking love it. Pachial and you guys hits Las Vegas this weekend Saturday the 21st. Draft King Sportsbook has a tremendous fucking deal for you. They're offering a hundred and one odds on any punch being landed at any point in the fight. You fucking won 100 bucks. Who's better than Uncle Joey? Showing up when $100 worth the credits on a fucking Monday. Just pick a fighter to win and draft king's sports book will give you 100 to 1 odds.

Bet $1 on either fighter when a punch lands during the fight and you'll get $100 in free credits. Who's taking care of you like that? And on the football side, because football's right around the corner. Also, whether you bet college or pro, bet $1. They're going to give you $200 to bet the rest of the year. That's football. Okay, that's football, which starts next weekend and the week after that. But preseason's here.

So if you get started with preseason, just bet a dollar. And they'll give you $200 in fucking credits. Download the top-rated draft king sportsbook app. Not the fantasy app, the sportsbook app. Don't be an idiot like your uncle Joey. I download the fantasy app, but I ended up winning. So who the fuck knows? Take your chances.

Draft Kings will always make you a contender. Use promo code Joey when you sign up to turn a dollar into $100 this weekend. If a punch is landed during the fight, don't pull your punches, place your bets and watch the fucking fist fly. That's code Joey to turn a dollar into $100 in free credits. Now listen to me, Draft Kings doesn't stop there. They have a tremendous casino. You could still bet baseball. They had the Olympics.

They got soccer. Listen, if you could bet it, Draft Kings has it, and they've always got something for you. So, this weekend, it's a dollar to win 100 on the Pachiao-Ughaz fight. Restrictions apply. See draftkings.com slash sportsbook for details.

New Jersey, Indiana, or Pennsylvania only. You got a gambling problem? Call 1-800 gambler. Take care of it if you're in Indiana. Call 1-8009 with it. But if you're ready, you win some fucking money and bit slap some motherfuckers. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app. It's time to win some Guitas, bitches.

The joint is also brought to you by. Better Help. What's standing in the way of you achieving your goals? Figure it out with Better Help. I was struggling. I contacted Better Help online, and Dana fucking has helped me tremendously. She's giving me coping skills to help. to help with my anxiety, and here we are today.

Better help is therapy for the 21st century. This is not a crisis line. This is not self-help. Better help is professional therapy all online, and it's all remote from the courtesy of your office or your own home. You won't have to lie on a stupid couch, and, you know, no, it's a flexible schedule. You could do it on the phone or video calls like I do. You get a good match.

They'll put you. together with a licensed therapist who is perfect for you. That's the most important part of therapy. You need someone, you feel like you could talk to. Who gets you? It's fast. When you sign up, you can start talking to your therapist in less than 48 hours. There's no waiting around.

It's affordable. You don't have to be a fancy-ass New Yorker or some fucking tut-sout-so-roots. And financial aid is available. And you can send messages to your therapist anytime, and they'll get back to you in between sessions. You don't like your person. If you want to switch therapists, don't do it any time for free.

They make it nice and easy. I love BetterHelp. They have gotten me to this place. I never thought therapy would help me, but it did, and I'm grateful. Better Help is 100% remote and available. You ready for this worldwide, just like Manscape.

You don't have to live in a big city to get quality therapy anymore. Trust me, it helps to save to have someone outside your world to talk to. It's easy to schedule, affordable, and it'll take a load off your shoulders like it did for me. Over 1 million people have taken charge of their mental health, especially after the pandemic.

Join them. Do me a favor. Go to betterhelp.com. They got a special offer to get you started. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz for 10% off your first month. That's 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P-com

slash Diaz for 10% off your first month BetterHelp.com slash Diaz Get better help and start living a happier life If you guys could tell I'm a lot happier than I was

a couple months ago I'm not as confused The words are coming out BetterHelp.com slash Diaz If you want to ask for Dana She's tremendous The join is also brought to you by

Man skate, listen to me You don't want to have COVID and be in the hospital With fucking a bush between your legs No underwear on people see your ass When you bend over in that robe Listen, it's not fun having an afro Over your dick That's why I love Manscape

They don't fuck around Their advanced skin safe technology Features a ceramic blade to reduce grooming accidents Plus the Lomore 4.0 Has a 7,000 RPM motor and a travel lock. It's even waterproof so you could fucking shave, you could trim your balls in the shower. The new lawnmower also has an LED light if you're into darkness. You want to shave in the dark,

fuck it. I don't give a fuck. The lawn mower can help you achieve your goals. Light up the dark side of your nut sack. Get all that more when you order the performance package 4.0. It includes the weed wacker for nose and ear hair trim. The weed whack is also waterproof and uses the same skin safe technology that you trust on your balls. And when you get the performance package, Manscape will send you off with the crop preserver, a ball deodorant that's fucking tremendous and a crop reviver to make your balls nice and smooth. They won't look like a fucking fat guy's neck anymore. But wait, there's more. Manscape will throw in two free gifts, the Manscape boxes that are tremendous,

and the shed travel bag. The performance package 4.0 is now global. It's worldwide. You could get it in fucking, except Cuba. I don't think they have Manscape. Australia, Europe, South Africa, Singapore Sling. Who's better than you? You cannot find a better fucking deal in the galaxy.

So do me a favor. Get 20% off and free shipping at Manscape.com slash Joey. Again, that's Manscape.com slash Joey. 20% off and free shipping. Your balls are going to thank you. I want to thank Manscape. I want to thank BetterHelp. And I want to thank Draft Kings for having our back and having your back.

They're also taking care of you, Cocksuckuckers. I love you guys with all my heart. Have a great Monday. And I'll be back Wednesday. Tip Top Magoo. Ready to go. I love you, Cocksucker. Stay black.