The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #090 | ELEANOR KERRIGAN | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 18, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Wednesday, August 18th..... Today we talked with our friend, ELEANOR KERRIGAN!!! Her New Comedy Album, LADY LIKE, comes out FRIDAY, 8/20/21, EVERYWHERE! Follow ELEANOR on social media! https://www.Instagram.com/ejkerrigan https://www.Twitter.com/ejkerrigan This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew, CBD Lion & Upstart..... Go to https://www.BlueChew.com Promo Code: JOEY | First Month Free! Go to https://www.Upstart.com/JOEY Go to https://www.cbdlion.com/JOEY Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #EleanorKerrigan #LadyLike The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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It's Wednesday, and it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? We're here for another fun-filled joint on Wednesday, the 18th. It's a beautiful fucking day. Tomorrow, I'll be in New Jersey for a fucking year. We're going to celebrate. I don't know what me and the wife. Oh, we're going to a movie at the wreck tomorrow night,

with the kids fucking the lawn chairs the whole fucking thing on thursday like two fucking jerkoffs three jerkoffs and then friday we're going to the fucking uh the pep rally holy shit there's food trucks there's a band there's arts and crafts you know the family shit we're here this today to talk about women and motherfucking comedy you know for years people make fucking remarks about women doing comedy. The guy from Letterman a couple years ago got fired because he said there was no funny women. I begged to differ.

I think there's, listen, here's the fucking statement that has always killed me. When you say women aren't funny, you fucking contradict yourself right off the bat because we all grew up on Lucille Ball. Lucille Ball made us fucking scream for years. I don't see I love Lucy on TV no more.

So it makes you forget. I love Lucy. Cracked us up when we were. fucking kids. So for you to say somebody's not funny, a woman, a man, whatever, but we're just focusing on women. I grew up on Lucille Ball, so I had tons of fucking respect for them. And I loved that lady that died years ago.

God blessed her soul. I forget what her name is. She was filthy. And I remember watching her host fucking the tonight show. She would host for Johnny Carson. And one night she had fucking vanity on there. and she was saying that fucking she started torturing vanity

for you guys who don't know vanity is a singer that used to date Prince and she made a song called Nasty Girl. I played it on my Patreon a couple weeks ago. People were like who the fuck is this? It's an old song from 1982 and she was on the Tonight Show

she had gotten a little heat for dating Prince or whatever. She's on the fucking tonight show and the lady said to her I can't believe you date Prince he makes Michael Jackson and looked like a green beret and all this shit. I mean, she was fucking cracked. You know, this prince had not really,

Prince had hit. It was like 84, 85. He had hit, but motherfuckers didn't really know who the fuck Prince was, you know? But anyway, I just liked her. And then when I moved to L.A., when you go to the comedy store,

there was a fucking bunch of funny women. And, you know, listen, I had a hard time following guys at the store. But let me tell you something. One of the hardest fucking follows at that store was a lady. What the fuck was her name? It was just in the tip of my tongue. Was a lady from Houston, Texas that used to run with Kenneson and Bill Hicks and Carla Bo.

She came to one of my shows in Connecticut. Beaumont Bacon was her name. Holy shit. Let me tell you something. When Beaumont Bacon went on a fucking roll, if you had a follower and you were a man, you were dead. you were dead and I tried to warn guys about her like I'm like dog

you're following bone mom baking on the Saturday night you don't want no piece of that and they would say fuck you I'm at the store every night I can follow anybody okay listen it didn't fucking I knew I knew better I'm the type of dude that I fucking see the dangers

and I try to avoid them if you got to fucking you know jump into the lion's mouth you jump into the lion's mouth you jump into the lion's mouth with fucking two hands in your dick out. But, you know, I know what's dangerous, you know what's saying? Obviously, you know, when something's dangerous, I fucking stay to fuck away from it. You know, I don't fuck with it. I love Beaumont. I loved them. In fact, she came to my show in Connecticut a couple years ago to thank me for talking about her and for respecting as much as I did. I remember I went to La Jolla. I had to do a gig in San Diego and I stopped at La Jolla and there was a comic

there no names and I went to visit him he was a good guy a friend of mine and I stopped by his show before my show my show was like a nine o'clock show and he had a seven he had a eight o'clock show so I took him out to dinner at seven and he was telling me like kind of telling me because I had to follow a Beaumont last night and I'm like low dog listen I gave him a fucking fair warner I said listen we all want to be fucking great comics i got no problems with that but there's certain people that you follow that you have to work harder than others you know if she i told him because he was saying he was mad because Beaumont was a fucking headliner and he was a headliner kind of and they he kept saying well we're going to alternate and i said to him

listen. So she's going to close out the first show. And he goes, no, no, no, no. She's going to close out the second show. I go, listen, bro, you don't want her to close out. You don't want to close out the first show. That's the fucking date show. That's when decent people come and they pay a babysitter and they fucking laugh. And guess what? Those are the same people that go to comedy every week and they see three man shows. They're going to see a fucking girl and women are going to go nuts. I go, you don't want to, especially in La Jolla, I go, you don't want to follow her. Just tell her, you'll take your feature for her the first show.

That's a smart move. And then the second show, you go buck wild because the audience is buck wild. You have nothing to lose. He's like, nah, that's pussy shit. I'm going to follow her the first show. Listen, if you don't think I stayed to watch the fucking disaster, you obviously don't fucking know me. I'm the type of dude that I got to see it to believe it.

So I didn't say anything to him. I tried to fucking warn him that women were dangerous in comedy. He's like, nah, I could follow anybody at the store. I could follow. Boom, I'm baking with my eyes closed. Listen, I called the promoter and said there was traffic in L.A. That I'll be there, like, at 915. I usually don't go on those shows until 940.

I was the headliner those days. I wasn't a headliner either. Let's get that out of the way. That was a long time ago. This had to be like 2000. I wasn't really a good headliner either. I was a fucking a good feature act. And I'll never forget,

we walked back from the Chinese restaurant. I walked in there with him, and sure enough, I gave Beaumont a hug. I giggled when I hugged one of those, like the one that the butler gave Eddie Murphy and boomerang when he brought the fucking dish when he was at the old lady, when he had to fuck the old lady,

she would invite people over and then fuck him. That's the way I went up to it. And I kind of giggled. I'm like, oh, you're going to kill this poor bastard. She's like, what are you talking? I don't know. And I just sat there and I watched her go up as a feature for 20 minutes.

And this is what I'm saying to you guys. Like a guy like me, I'm dangerous in a 20 minute setting. Or I was dangerous in a 20 minute setting. I know you guys heard it a thousand times. Because I would take 45 minutes and shrink it into 20 and not stop. It's my world. I don't want to do an hour. Hour comment that sucks.

I'd rather do 20 minutes and blow you out of the fucking water that you sit there going, what the fuck is this shit? Especially at the store. At the store, I had those 18 minutes down to a science. I know that you'll hear people going, you got to follow Joey at the store. Whitney Cummings always talks about it. The hardest people I ever had to follow was A.J. Jamal, Don Marrera. and then in the second chapter of my comedy career,

there was one guy that was dangerous in there, that was Chris DeLea. Chris DeLea, Ali Wong, was fucking dangerous as death in the original room. And I made it my point to follow Ali Wong. I told fucking Adam Eaget, I go, listen, me and Ali work perfect together. She fucking gets them open and I'll fucking close them.

She knows exactly how to open up my doors for me. I loved Ali Wong, because Ali Wong would leave me with a tag to open up that wasn't part of my act. Listen, when you go up, I'm going to give me the comics a little tip right now. When you go up on stage, you don't want to open up with your material. You want to open up with something that just happened in the room. You know what I'm saying?

That's how you really get them. And then you go into your written material, but you want to get them with something loose. For example, like Ali Wong would have a bit about going up on stage that she wanted to date a comic. but the comic had to be funnier than her and for the comic to be funny than her meant that the comic had to be older than she was so you know right away she's talking about old men

I mean Ali's probably 32 32 33 she's beautiful I love her the death great fucking comic great lady I'm not saying nothing bad about her but she would go you know but she was she was R-rated Ali Wong so she would talk all this shit up there about sex and stuff and she would say you know I want somebody to suck my pussy and all that, whatever.

As soon as Ali would bring me up, I would always go, let's keep it going for Ali Wong. I would suck the yin-yeng juice out of her pussy. When you say yin-hing juice, they go fucking nuts. You can't say it now because Chinese people get mad at you. You know, it's a joke. I would say it on stage. I would say that and bring the fucking house down.

Then I could slip into my material. Then, Scott, Jeff Scott would play that song for me by not cool in the gang, but the other band do it to you satisfied, whatever it is. So I would do a little wiggle. And then I would lay the line out about Ali Wong, and I would do that all together. So now it was like a free ride.

Once you get them with that yin-yang juice, you just steamroll them now. You don't stop, you don't look back, you don't look at your notes, you just go. And that was my secret. You just go. Keep talking, talk, talk, don't even give them a chance to laugh. I wouldn't even give them a chance to laugh.

That applause break, I would just keep hammering them, hammer them for 18 minutes. I would leave there, they would go, what the fuck was that? That's the magic of the store. You learn at the store how to use those 18 minutes. But anyway, forget about all the funniness and shit. Women in comedy have always been a part of me last year when people were like, you know, Joe Rogan laughed at him talking about getting his dick suck.

If you see all the woman that stick up for me, A bunch of comics, female comics, stuck up for me. Why? Because I did pull them aside, and I did talk to them, and I did give them love, and I did show them, you know, don't do that. There was a girl that stuck up for me that I'll never forget. She's beautiful. She was a young girl.

We were in the main room, and I saw that she had a shirt, and she was showing her tits. And I had seen her for like three Tuesdays in a row, and I really wanted to say something to her, but I didn't want to disrespect her. So finally one night she came up to me. She was a real cute girl, real sweet. I don't know what her name was. She'll tell you when she hears the podcast. She'll pick up a hand and go,

oh, he's talking about me. One night, we were in the main room. It was like a Tuesday or Wednesday. Place is packed. And I watched her, the earlier show. And she was fucking funny, this girl. And she was really pretty. That's the contradiction.

She was a real fucking knockout. And she had tremendous tits. And they're out here. So after like the third week, I couldn't take it. I didn't think I was doing her any favors by none. telling her. So I pulled her aside like a man. I didn't tell her in front of people.

I said, listen, you're really fucking funny. You got a career in this shit. But you're mistaking. You're thinking that they want to see your tits. I hope you don't get mad at me. You got nice tits. I agree with you. They should see them.

But when you're on stage, you don't need those fucking machine guns out. They're just beautiful machine guns. You don't need it. You have the ability to kill them whether you were an ugly girl. I mean, why are you showing those machine guns? There's no need for this fucking rifles out now.

Put them away. And she fucking put a sweater on, went out there and killed. And she came back in, and she looked at me. She goes, thank you. You know, I could be her father. There was no, I didn't want to hit on her. I was just giving her advice. And I did the same with a lot of those women from Kate Quigley,

me and Felicia had a bond, me and Ali had a bond, me and Wittney had a bond. Me and Eliza had a bond. When I got in trouble, Eliza reached out to me and said, I support you. I mean, this is because they know who you are, and they know how you've been with them. The store got a bad rap over the years.

Oh, they don't put enough women on stage. That's bullshit. That's bullshit. The women that deserve to be there were there. And I saw them all, and I supported them all, and we laughed together, and we always had a great fucking time. So whoever tells you that,

when you hear it, don't believe the hype. Women grew there. Women grew there by fucking huge numbers because all of us took them and took care of them and told them it was going to be fine. That's what you do with younger comics. And I did the same with male comics. I did the same with everybody.

After a while, you're a comic, but you're older. You've been doing it for 20 years. They look up to you as somebody to give them help or advice. It's not that you're their mentor or nothing. Nothing like that. I was never know. Who would fucking have me for a mentor? You're out of your mind.

You just talk to people. My guest today is Eleanor Kerrigan. All the respect from every part of my body goes Eleanor Kerrigan. She was a waitress for 12 years at the store when the store was nothing. She looked, she listened, she learned, and she kept a mouth shut. And for that, I fucking love her with all my heart. And she gets all the respect that I have. Andrew takes her on the road.

Rogan is taking her on the road you know we've all done shows with her we give her all the respect in the world because she did it she fucking paid attention she sat there she saw how to do it and now she's one of the top women

working in the country I mean she doesn't have the heat that Whitney has or fucking you know Eliza but give it time Eleanor's on her way I hope you enjoy this interview I'll be back stay black enjoy

what up Joe Dia What's a good? Thank you for calling into the joint today. I'm so excited. Me too. Is this light too bright? No, it looks great.

I bring my light with me now in case I have to do auditions or something. Good for you. That's the new fucking thing now. We've got to bring a light. You look great, Illinois. I like your hair. Oh, yeah, I had to buy a new blow dryer because my blow dryer blew up. So this one just flattens it.

Now, where are you guys tonight? Dallas, Fort Worth. I'm sorry. Yeah, Fort Worth Hyenas. Okay, that's a good club. That's a great club. I haven't been there in a minute. How are you? Good, good. I went to Hyenas in Fort Worth

and I did the Thursday night show. Uh-huh. And when I walked out of there, I was fucking starving. I had a Coke rock in my pocket, but I had to eat something because I couldn't do the Coke on an empty stomach. And there was a black dude with a white wife beater. or like a white, you know, a regular wife beat a shirt on.

Makes sense. Fucking handprints all over the stomach. It was as big as I was at the time. I was tipping the scales like 375. This brother had to be like 390. So we connected right off the bat. You know what I'm saying? Like you just connect.

You're a fat dude. I'm a fat slob. He was selling pork chops with the bone on white bread. Yes, he was. He was frying him up. The griddle was filthy. filthy and nobody else would buy the pork chops except your fucking Cuban buddy over here I must ate six of those fucking things they were delicious just a pork chop you didn't get sick

not at all on white bro I didn't get sick those days once you put the cocaine in your body you're gonna get sick fucking McDonald's ain't gonna do shit to you know what I'm saying you can eat it fucking Carl's Jr and you won't fucking die that is amazing to buy meat on the side of the road on a grill. I've done it. I've done it a couple times. I've gotten burgers, like outside of clubs. You're right. You go outside of a club. You're just like starving. You're usually wasted.

I don't do coke, but I would get drunk. And I'd be like, let me just eat. You eat a million hamburgers. You're like, oh, the next day you wake up, sick to your stomach. And you didn't get sick. No. That's my white stomach. My white Irish stomach. It's very weak. And you,

the Irish could eat anything. You guys been eating fucking dirty potatoes for 2,000. fucking years. Those potato skins are filthy. I eat them. I like potato skins, but the Irish taught me how to eat the fucking skins

when I was a kid. They're like, you gotta eat the skins. I'm like, I don't eat no fucking skins. Irish love the skin. Eat the whole fucking thing. They'll just bite a potato.

But they like things with no flavor. That's the Irish. But boil the flavor out of it, and you got an Irish meal. The Flamingo kid. The singing eater. How many pounds of? potatoes will I eat before I die

because they eat potatoes like a motherfucker in the Bronx and shit. I'm telling you, that's where I ate potatoes in the Bronx. When I moved here from Cuba, my mom had that operation in the Bronx. And my whole palate got fucking up there. The palate is Italian ice. You know, the Bronx is the best

when you're a fucking kid. They got everything. Fucking Pete I was, the Puerto Rican Italian ice where they, the big slab of ice. Oh, yeah, yeah. And they fucking shave. you know, dirty hands.

They don't wear gloves. COVID at his best. They don't give a fuck. If some people are like, oh, you know, you get COVID from different things. I'm like, no, no, no, you got to eat the right shit. Like, we, I think all that stuff blocks it for us. Like, that helps us fight it off.

Don't you think? I was in a restaurant the other night and the guy's walking with dishes and he's breathing on the fucking food and shit. I'm like, am I going to just eat fucking COVID? I mean, is that what we're getting to right now? What variance is this dish?

Yeah, you've got to bring the fucking dish with a cover on it, like room service. You can't be walking through a restaurant with 80 people, everybody breathing the fucking COVID's in the air. Now you eat a meatball. Next thing you know, the fucking meatball gave you COVID. Now you got to go to doctor and tell them where'd you get COVID out. I don't know. A meatball gave it to me. You fat fuck.

Get your life together. It was somebody's birthday and they brought a cake and we all blew the candles out. spit on each other and then we ate the cake and now we're all dead. That's right. That's crazy. That's fucking crazy. Now it's making a comeback like herpes. You know,

now you got to worry about fucking having like a fucking thing on your lip. Wait, wait until they start shaving eyebrows like in the road warrior. Like you got to put two nicks in your eyebrows to let them know you got COVID, how many times you got it. Fucking crazy. Gear drops. Yeah,

Kiyah drops of COVID. How many grandmothers died? You got to have put fucking fucking grandma killers. These comedy club owners, they call them grandma killers. They're fucking grandma killers. You go in their clubs now. There's no more pictures of comics. They're just pictures of good

that grandmothers. You know, my mom had COVID and she's 82 and she got through it and I swear she had it twice because she got real sick right before the pandemic. And she don't remember having COVID the second time. And I'll say, Mom, you had COVID.

She goes, no, I didn't have COVID. I'm like, Mom, you had COVID. So she's like, I did not have COVID. And then she'll go, well, that's bullshit. I'm like, what? And she goes, they promised it would kill me. I thought I go, God damn. That's the Irish in a nutshell right there.

Just waiting to die. When the pandemic started, I wrote an obituary. I was like, because the first two weeks, people told you you can't touch the mail. I still remember people telling you, don't go out and get your mail. And I'm like, there's a check in the mailbox. Wipe it down.

Yeah, they were saying, wipe it down. That's a sag check for a dollar. I'm cashing it. I don't care who it's from. It's an old residual. People like, don't touch the mail. Don't wipe down the boxes. So we didn't really know, you know, like we didn't fucking know.

Yeah. So at the beginning, I was scared and I said, the only way I can get unscared is if I just read an obituary. And I just read an obituary. And I just wrote an obituary out. I took a picture of my balls. And I told my wife, if I die at the funeral parlor, to use the picture of my balls as the mask card,

you know how people give a picture of a saint? And put the obituary in your balls. No, like in the back, like a trading, like a regular prayer card, except with a saint, just your balls. And then flip it around, Joey Diaz, you know, fucking Neve Aldez, left a daughter, her wife, some fucking waitresses at the store. fucking crazy

you know he's amazing I want to kill you just to get the card I know I was dying for people that's my last thing

I leave to the world you're all upset Joey Diaz died all so you got a prayer card there's a picture of my bulls that motherfucker

he got us all the way in the end with these fucking things and now you got hang it up on your

refrigerator oh yeah what he do with the prayer cards put it with the other prayer cards pop pop pop pop and Joe Diaz is balls.

Pop, a picture of St. Michael, a picture of Jesus, a picture of my nuts. Fucking perfect. I'm sitting in the right hand of the Lord. People are looking at it.

Like, I wonder what patron saint this is. The balls. That's what St. Balls. Nobody heard of that saint. He doesn't have a head. Just balls. That's it.

Oh, he's got a head. He's got wrecking balls coming at you. What's going on with you, beautiful? I'm just trying to survive, man. We're on the road. It's so weird. People are breaking our stones because we're not like, you know, coming out and hanging out.

Can't hang out. Don't they know? We're in a fucking pandemic. People are giving me shit online for wearing a mask. Go fuck yourself. I'm trying to make money. And if I get sick, I'm fucked. You know, if you're a comic right now, if you're looking at the bands,

you're looking at the bands like Jimmy Florentine I feel so bad for. He's the kiss of death when it comes to concerts. He got four tickets for five. Four different concerts, and they all got COVID. That tells you something right there. Oh, my God. Limbiscuit, Friday night in Atlantic City, he was supposed to go. They got COVID, something, sons.

I don't know, I don't want to say the wrong band. Right, right. Stained and corn, tomorrow night, corn, the singer from corn, got COVID. And Leonard Skinner, they're a guitar player from Leonard Skinner. So that'll let you know what's going on right now. If you're on the road, Sebastian got it, Tim Dillon got it. Yeah. get it unless you go out like guns and roses and a bubble yeah we're trying to bubble it

you got to bubble it's it doesn't you know it's a comic it's so hard like especially in austin huh really why is austin going to be rough no no especially when we were in austin because so many people come to see there's so many people comedy store basically moved down here like a lot of them So everybody's like, come hang out, come hang out. And I'm like, we can't. You know what I mean? So it's like, it's hard as a comic. You want to go fuck around and drink and just be normal, but you can't.

You got to like take a step back. Were you in Austin last weekend or are you going back to Austin this weekend? I'm going back to Austin on Thursday, but we were in Austin Saturday and Sunday. And are you guys, is Andrew going with you back to Austin? No, no, no. This is just me. I'm going to do some shows at the Vulcan and the Creek in the Cave and then do some podcasts and stuff.

And you and Andrew have a lot of work left. Yeah, we have a couple. Yeah. And some of them are his gigs, like makeup gigs from last year. And then some of them are just me headline. Like I'm headlining Atlantic City, the celebrity, is it called the Celebrity Theater and the Claridge? Yes.

So I'm doing that, August 28th. But the night before, we're in Chicago, and that's his gig. So I'm opening for him, coming back, and then just going right to Atlantic City. I'm sorry, I didn't come to see you last time. You guys were at Uncle Vinny's. Oh, yeah. But again, it's like... I had the stitches in my fucking mouth.

You had one? Stitches in my fucking mouth. 58 years old. You know, when does it end? When does it end? Oh, it's going to get worse. I know. I can, you know, I look at my dick.

I look at my balls. It's a horrible situation. I don't even look at myself naked. You know, when you come out of the shower, you always got that mirror, and you just look like, you know, what's going out with my body? I had to stop like two weeks ago.

My dick, I don't know what happened to it. My ball sack is fucking old. I'm old. Is it between your knees now? Is it that well? No, it's kept its, you know, patois. Oh, it's kept its buoyancy. Yeah, yeah, the bounce is still there.

That's good. Bounce three ounce, but. A little Cuban. beans in there just bouncing up. I wouldn't show it to nobody no more even as a goof like you can't show it to nobody. I don't even show it to my wife anymore. It's it's all over. You get so old and so self-conscious. Yeah. You know, I had to shave everything. I had like a heat rash for a couple weeks. I get, you know, in the humidity and shit like this is one reason. Listen, I didn't remember all the shit I hated about Jersey and the thing I hate the most is the fucking humidity. The humidity. When that thing I

gets in your asshole with the swamp and you don't even take a shit but your ass smells, you're like it draws the stink out of your kidneys and shit. I went to a restaurant Sunday night and they brought a clove of garlic. A clove. And I'm eating the whole fucking thing.

I'm seeing that Jimmy ain't eating it. My wife ain't eating it and I'm popping cloves like their fucking tic tic. Who eats cloves of garlic? That's crazy. It was a whole garlic. Uh-huh. But they put it on the dish with the steak. And you could squeeze them out and pop them out and eat them.

Like etymame? That's funny. Just like edamame. You never been to the garlic restaurant on a... Oh, the stinking rose? No. Yeah, on La Ciena. Okay, they give you a garlic, a whole thing of garlic.

But they steam it. Uh-huh. Putting butter on your bread, you push the garlic out and you smear it on your bread and you eat that. Oh, fucking tremendous. But don't go to a... You can't go... the stinking rose if you have to do

something afterward. Anything because it's discussed. You could smell it driving up, Lafantanagan. You can't. It's fucking stink. It stinks terrible. You stink terrible. My ex had a rule, no garlic. If I ate garlic two days, and I didn't see him for two days, I'd be

with him and he'd go, when'd you have garlic? And I'm like, what the fuck? Does that just stay on you? So I'm afraid of garlic because he wouldn't go near man. No, you got to eat garlic. it's good for your heart. It cleans out the vowels and shit. Takes your stomach over and you blow.

I blew a fart. Sunday night. The first official fart from the garlic was like three hours later. It was silent. It was small. But I blew up my basement that my wave came down. And she goes, Jesus Christ, the cats blew up the fucking litter box. I go, don't blame it on the cats.

Not this time. This is all Papa. And then Monday I went to the gym. And there's like this couple that though, but they don't want to shut the fucking. up at the gym. They constantly talk. He constantly talks. He requests bad music. He was doing sit-ups. It was perfect. I was doing the axes outside hitting the tire. And I walked in. There's a little alley in the back. Just a little segment where you walk in. It's not closed off.

He was in there doing the sit-ups on the fucking sit-up machine. He was coming into it. He was coming into it. So I just stood right there with my back to him. and I dropped a fucking one of those long rippers. Yeah, like a dense fart. Like, it just lives. It just came out warm out of my ass. I was doing fucking crunches and hitting the tire. So I was working it.

I could feel the fart developing. It was sticking to the ribs. And I cupped it. You have to cup it like a... Oh, my brother used to do that. Oh, yeah. And you push the fucking fart down. And I blew that fart, and he walked into it.

His face is red. I looked at him from the fucking squat machine. he walked into it his face was as red as my shirt and when he inhaled it on the put on the sit-up I could see he just stopped he froze and then he went down slowly and he's like it stinks in here what's that smell because he's a little fucked up

and I went up to one of the trainers I go he ain't going to say a word for 10 fucking minutes now and he didn't say a word he just walked around with his nose shut just tell him it's good for your heart he told his wife not to go on that side Don't come on this side. It smells funny.

I don't know. I think one of the toilet broke. You clear a gym with your fart? I clear the quarter of the fucking gym. I'll tell you that much. It's not a big gym. But I took that motherfucker and the one guy rich, he's like a crazy Brooklyn guy.

He's like, I smelled that fart. That was tremendous. That was fucking tremendous. There's one of my best work. I mean, you're getting congratulated for a fight. That's amazing. That must be real art. It's an art.

I don't fart. anymore like I used to because I stopped eating the garlic pills. I would eat them on purpose or on Lee because I wanted to fucking fuck them up. You know what I'm saying? Poor Lee. I'm going to get stone and to taste the flavor of my muffler and to taste the patois of the asshole. And he would. So he would just sit in that little corner and he'd walk out of there smelling like a stinking rose, dog.

But that's stinking rose, you cannot eat there and go to the, I went to the guy. I ate there one time. In 23 years I lived in L.A. I went there one night. I never went there. And I went straight to the comedy store afterward. And I fucking stunk. The girl out of his wit stunk.

It's just a stinky fucking proposition. You know what I'm saying? It throws the pH off on your pussy and your asshole. So the two years are just banging stinks together. No, I took showers and she had to take a shower too. Ain't nobody coming in there with a garlic asshole or garlic flavored pussy in my house and shit. So how did you get stitches in your mouth? before I left

fucking L.A. I had to do a cap and shit. Oh, okay. My Coke tooth had fucked up. The one in the front and they had to replace it and then they had a, you know, you just can't go to the dentist for one tooth. Oh, no.

It never works. Then they start with the, well, this one won't match that one. Who gives the fuck? Yeah. I'm not a fucking model. Well, this one doesn't match. And if we do those,

then we got to do the ones in the bottom. So I ended up doing fucking teeth and my little Dracula fang over here. I got those. Got infected and my, and now they're infected. My gums are infected again. So I got to go back

on the 30th. Yeah. I have nightmares from the dentist because as a kid, this tooth, I got it knocked out by football. This older kid through the football, I went to catch it. I thought I was tough, you know. Hit so hard. The tooth went up. It didn't come out until like fifth or sixth grade.

And then it came straight out and it was jet black. And they were like, oh. And my mom didn't have money. So we had to go to like Dennis schools. And we go into Dennis school. And I might, they do work for free because they want to learn. And my mom's like, yeah, see if you can fix that. My brothers used to call me yuck mouth because my teeth were all fucked up.

And then I go in there and they're in there and they're like, it's like learning. So they're in your mouth and you hear oops. And I'm like, the fuck is oops. No oops. No, I have enough oops in here. Don't oops me. But they fixed it and I got braces for free and I have braces forever and then I let my bottom teeth go. So now I have to get invisible line.

Jesus Christ, it don't stop. They never stop. I never stop. But now I have to pay for it. I can't go to any dental school. No. You know, man. But I don't know how, but I have an upper, like I have teeth and it's, I shouldn't because they were so bad and I got them knocked out a lot.

It's crazy because I lived in like four areas where you could go to the schools. And I had friends that would say, you want a massage? Like in Boulder, when I lived in Boulder, there was a place that was a massage school. So if you want to have, you got a massage for like fucking ten bucks, you know, because they're learning. And then there was another place. What did I live? Oh, when I lived in Boulder, there was also a place. The girl told me, you come and get your hair cut.

And any time you want, because we're students. I went in there one time. Half my hair was blue. the other one was fucking green. I said, I ain't going back there no more. That was the only time I went to one of those schools. I'm not going to lie to you because. Those are scary because you never know what's going to happen.

My sister was doing that. She was in high school. Remember when you go to school and you could have, you could go for a trade? Like, instead of going to high school, they would let you go to regular academic for half the day and then go to another school and learn a trade. My sister was becoming a hairdresser. He's 10 years older. She gave me a body weight. in the third grade.

I looked like such a dick at my communion because I had this ugly body wave, but she was testing it on my hair. My mom led her. Awful. I'd have to go to school like a poodle for years because of her. So she shaved one side of my head. Fucking Karen.

That's her name too. But you look good, Illinois. You look really good. Thank you. I can't believe I have hair because of her. They like the shirt made in South Philly. I fucking love the shirt, man. That's you.

Made in South motherfucking Philly. How's the COVID situation in Philly? They don't even give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. There's no mask. They breathe on you. Oh, yeah. My buddy that makes these shirts, his name's Tony Bat, dirty mug.

He's unbelievable. He's doing shirts for me, too. And so he's like, what do you wear the mask for? Which were you? And I go, I'm just, you know, because I'm traveling a lot. And he's like, you don't need no mask. I'm like, I do need a mask. And he goes, didn't you guys, didn't you get COVID when your mom got to go?

Yeah, he goes, you can't get it again. I go, thanks, Fauci. Just give me a T-shirt. You can't get it again. Oh, you can't. I think Steve Simone got it twice. I think you can get it. I think it will be mild, but you can get it.

Because I definitely think my mom had it twice. She was so sick in February before the shutdown. And then we shut down. She went to the doctors. Somebody in the office had it. She got it, brought it home, and then we all got it, taking care of her. because she was going through some dumb shit.

You know, normal 82-year-old shit. 82. But now she's 83. She's killing it. Yeah. 83. COVID already came and went. She got the world by the balls.

You're a lucky lady, Illinois. At least you got good jeans. You know, you're going to be alive for a long fucking time. Ten kids, you know. No uterus. She's killing it. No uterus. The COVID fucking didn't take it down.

I send you my love. You're fucking love. lucky you still got your mom around. Oh, yeah. I taught for her every day. It's like not to have a fucking mom. You still got your mom around, you know? It's crazy how I don't think of myself with this COVID.

Like I didn't really think of what I was losing with this COVID. I thought about because all comics like us are losing his money. Yeah. That's it. We're just losing money. So I didn't really think about it like that. I thought about the younger comics, the guys that have been doing comedy for four years. Three years, five years, three years.

Like, that breaks my heart Because I knew how I was at the five-year level. You weren't going to tell me I wasn't getting on stage Because of some fucking disease. Yeah. Like, you weren't going to tell me. Like, I remember, you know, I had to actually think back and go,

let's be honest with yourself, Joey. At the five-year mark, you weren't going to fucking stop me. I'm going on stage. I used to, if I couldn't go, it was like a drug for me. It had become an addiction. It had become an addiction.

like any other addiction I had. And I would, if worst case scenario, I would hit a karaoke spot. Oh, yeah. I did everything. Remember we were doing strip clubs in L.A.? I was doing cheetahs. I was doing,

that's right. It was insane. It's insane. It's insane. You have to, you know, at the 20 year mark, 30 year mark, you're already established.

You're just losing money. You can write at home. You know what I'm saying? Like you're so mature at comedy that you're like, okay, this isn't that. bad. I feel bad for the guys that, you know, Josh Potter

had so many things going on and COVID swept them from them. The guys that were just ready to headline. Just right there, yeah. You know, it's like when I was doing like in 2008 or nine, whenever the strike was, I was doing, my name is Earl. I had like four episodes. And I'm

like, this is great. I'm going to be on TV for pilot season. That's so great. Which means that fucking February, you're on TV. Some producers are going to be at home. It's my name is Earl. They're going to see you and go, maybe I could use that fat fuck for my show, you know? And all of a sudden, it was a fucking writer strike.

I was heartbroken. Like, I'm like, what do you mean a writer strike? I got to go to work. I got my name of Zero with Michael Rappaport. We're having a good time. I'm killing it. Yeah. I'm killing it.

And now you motherfuckers come up with a strike. Like, I was fucking heartbroken. But that could only happen to me at that time. You know what I'm saying? Like I have all my fucking trees planted on this fucking TV show being on TV in February. And now there's a fucking writer strike. So like throughout this whole thing, I didn't really think of the older comics. Like you have something you could do.

You know what I'm saying? You could go to the script. You know what you're doing already. Yeah. I thought about the younger guys. Like five, six years that were just getting ready to feature. Like they just got their first feature week, March 18. night the march 19th and everything closed down on the 17th or the 16th of march it was a monday

so you're like what the fuck do i do like i felt so bad for those guys you know so i'm i don't want you to think i'm you know i'm not mad at you or anything i'm just saying that like i i do feel bad for all the comics you know because it's money involved and i thought in that aspect but i didn't feel bad you know the money will come later we'll go on the road later well figure it out. Yeah, in the beginning, I think everybody was in panic mode like but I was making jokes that I'm the pandemic comic because

they're like, who draws 30 people will you come to Kansas City? I'm like, hey man, I don't got no kids. I'm good. I'll come. And I would fly out June. I was going to places that, because I was already booked, but they got all canceled. And then once they opened up a little, they were like, hey, would you come here? And I did. And I went to

Arizona. I went to Minnesota. I was all over the place. And that's why I recorded an album at Opelvinnie's because I was doing, I was working that out. I had already planned to do it before the pandemic, but I was lucky enough to go out. And we only had, you know, I think they could only sell like 30 tickets. So they were like, who would want to work in front of 30 people? I'm like, I will. So I did.

I got lucky, you know, and I was doing, and then money got cut in half, you know, obviously. everything. So you're still struggling, but at the same time, I was still getting to do what I wanted to do, and I was able to record the album at Uncle Vinnie's in April. So it was very exciting. You have no idea, like when older comics talk, like from the comedy store, how many people are really proud of you? Oh, that's so sweet. You have, I think Ari came down here, maybe two months ago, we went to get Chinese food, And we were talking about, you know, the jump that Eleanor made, you know, like Eleanor paid attention for 10 years without doing it. 12 years without doing comedy, but you paid attention.

And I always tell, when people always say to me, well, I'm thinking to start in comedy, if I know the person really well and I like them, I'll go listen to best advice. Just get a job around it. Around it is 100%. Get a job around it. You know, I don't care if you're a doorman. I don't care of you a bartend. I don't care of you're a bus boy. Yeah.

Yeah. Look at our punky. Yeah. Look at our punky. Unbelievable. I mean, literally, like, she's like, you did it first. I'm like, no, no. I didn't, I wasn't a waitress.

I would never, I left as a waitress, came back a year later as a comic. And Mitzi, the reason I was so nervous to tell Mitzi is because, and I put this quote on my album, but Mitzi would always go, oh, no, another waitress. term comic. It's going to be awful. And she was not wrong. She wasn't wrong. But Punky came in as a comic. You know what I mean? I didn't come in as a comic. I had no interest. But Punky came in as a comic, worked her ass off as a waitress, a bartender, whatever job she would be able to do to get

stage, time in any way, shape, or form. Now she's on S&L. I think she's doing a show right now. She booked the show so she had to cancel a lot of her live gigs. She's killing. She can't She's killing it. She's killing it and I couldn't be happier or prouder of her. You know, they had. That's a real product of the comedy store. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it pissed me off because all these women were talking shit about the comedy store. Oh, please. Don't get me angry.

They had no idea that a lot of the male comics in that were giving love to the females, the way, you know. 100%. We were excited for you. We were really excited for you. I think, you know, if I had. I still remember going to the comedy store like before the pandemic and me and Joe watching you like in the original room one night and going, can you fucking believe, Ellen. Like this is fuck. She's killing up here. Like who the fuck would fuck would thought?

You know? So awesome. So many people from the store. Like even when punky got Saturday Night Live, dog, I think I cried. Me to same. I was so excited. I was so excited. I knew what love we had for each other, whether it's Felicia, you.

Allie wrong fucking The little blonde chick that's like a prowess on stage Elisa Slanger Yeah I love Jessica Michelle Singer Oh my God People had no idea how close we were I'll never forget ripping my fucking Hamstring

And being on the floor and pain And going what the fuck And Annie Leatham and coming up to me going You want me to get somebody to suck your dick And I'm like Do you want your blowjum Do you want your dick sucked? And I'm like, Annie, what the fuck?

And she's like, I got one of the guys here to suck your dick while you're on the floor. You know, people don't understand. It piss me off so much. And you want to yell, but you're like, it's not going to, they don't know. They don't fucking know. They get it from one girl that says, I went to the store and I was mistreated. They didn't give me a spot. Yeah, they're not going to.

You got to work for it. You got to really put the time. You got to really, like stop getting on Twitter and complaining about shit. Just go right. jokes. Like Annie and I say it all the time. Annie, I think she wrote it like because somebody was given the store a hard time because they didn't understand how you get in the store. They thought your manager calls and then you just get spots. That's not how life works. That's not how it works over there. Maybe at other clubs, but not at the comedy store. You have to come up. I remember

as assholey as Tommy was. What's his name was doing the Emmys or something. And Jeff Chetty brought him in. Oh shit, he's a big name. And I can't think I could see his face. Jason Siddakis. He walked in and he goes, hey, he wants to work out some stuff. And Tommy was like, well, he's not a regular. I was like, holy shit. But he goes, well, we can give him some time in the belly room, you know. It's like, dude, you got to go through the process of the store. You don't get to just walk in there. You don't get to just come in and become a regular because you have credits. I mean, a little bit now, but not before. Now, listen, you can have 20 credits.

If you can't cut it up on stage, it ain't going to help you. All your credits are not going to help you, so knock it off with the fucking credits. The credit you need is hard work. That's the credit that you need. Credits don't do dick for you. There's nothing more annoying than going through comedy and then reflecting on the stories when you were an MC and a feature act, especially an MC. I still remember all the headlines that gave me a hard time. Like, this is my name.

You know, don't forget to mention NBC. It's not going to matter. It doesn't matter. You're going to eat a bag of dicks. I saw you act. You're terrible. I could go up there and say that Jesus and you wrote jokes together. It doesn't matter.

You're going to stop. It doesn't matter. You know, I was lucky enough to be a host at the broker in Boulder. That's where I really cut my teeth. It was a one-nighter for Tribble. and those California comics were failures in California. That's why they were doing triple runs as a headliner. I'm sorry to say.

And they would treat you a feature act, the guy who was emceeing like shit. They would treat me like shit. I would have to check them and tell them, don't forget how fucking, you know, put you in the trunk of a car and shit. I'd have to check them. But it was always, you know,

you forgot to say Friday night lights. Who gives a fuck? You were an extra. That's right, exactly. What about the dudes who would tell you that they were in a movie? And they were really an extra. And they lied to you, you know. I remember being a feature act and seeing a headliner talking to people after the show,

and they would ask him, like, so what's next for you? Are you in any, and I would feel like going, stop it? He's on a triple run. He's in no danger. What are you asking if there's any television in his life? There's nothing in his life. He's a bum. This guy, you know,

There were people who tell me that don't go to L.A., you're not going to get any spots. I still remember being at the improv. On the Sunday night, it was like my first Sunday at the improv. And I'm like, I've been here two weeks, I'm getting spots at the improv. What were those jerk-offs on the road talking about? You're not going to get any spots. Because they don't work hard and they're not funny. They're missing everything.

They have the credits. They're coming. They're showing up. But they're not funny. You're missing the key element. You've got to be funny. And at the comedy store, when girls shit on the comedy store, and I do know for a fact that there were some girls that had some issues with some male comics, not the establishment itself, but some male comics, whatever, but they don't represent the whole place. There's a small group of idiots that did some dumb shit, right?

But every time a girl, a female comic says, well, you know, fuck this story, they don't put enough women on or this or that. It's like you're discrediting every fucking one of us that busted our ass and get in there and bump those fucking guys off the lineup because we're better than that. You should, Eliza Schlesinger, I don't care if you like her or don't like her. Her hard work, her work ethic is un-fucking believable. She had a bad fucking relationship and wrote a movie about it and then got it on Netflix. And I think she's recording her, I don't know, 9. special. That's, and she's selling out theaters. And no one says a fucking word about that. They're just like, oh, fuck, they don't hire women. What are you crazy? Candace Thompson writes

on every show. She's fucking phenomenal. Like, what are you saying? There's so many, Leslie Jones. There's so many of us. And every time they say it, they discredit how hard we fucking work to get in there and stay in there. Annie Letterman, too. She's moving up in the ranks. She's one of my absolute favorites. As a person and just fucking hilarious. Everybody knows. I love Annie. So, I mean, I have my favorites, of course. But when somebody's funny, like, they hate it Adam because they're like, oh, he only puts on people that have credits. No, he doesn't.

He puts on people that make him fucking laugh. And he was in charge. And if you made him laugh and you did well in that room, you got spots. If you did it, he took you out, just like Mitzi would do. Tommy did it too. Adam was a very good talent coordinator. Excellent. I've had my favorites in there. I really like Scott Day.

Oh, yeah, I love Scott Day. Scott Day was one of my favorites. I was out there with him and Andrew arguing one night. Him and Andrew used to argue. Oh, because Andrew was banned, right? Yes. I remember those. That's how I met Andrew through Scott Day,

an argument with Scott Day. What do you mean? I'm banned. He got banned every week. I still talk to Scott Day on Facebook. Me too. Yeah, I love Scott. He's a good guy.

I've never forgot. I never forgot what he did. You know, I used to talk to him. I used to go in there and go, dog, I keep bombing in here. I don't know what to do. Like, I didn't want to hide the fact. Like, there was some nights he would stay late. Yeah.

And if he liked you, he really would work. He would push that you got spot. He pushed for me. And that's because I was honest with him. Because I went up to him and told him I was struggling. Like, I'm having a hard time in here some nights. You know, Mitzie, you couldn't tell her you were struggling because then she threw you right back into the mouth of the lion.

I went up to Mitzie and I was like, dog, I struggle in the main room. Don't put me in there no more. You're in there Friday and Saturday. Fuck. And, you know, I hated going in there even though it was a lot more money. I didn't know. I wanted to be honest with everybody. So I would go up to and go, Missy, I'm struggling on the weekends in the main room.

I can't follow A.J. Jamal. I can't follow Domero. Broke chocolate. Yeah. Dog, A.J. Jamal. I fucking love A.J. Jamal.

I've been trying to bring up this guy's name. for years. I got to feature for him in Arizona and I was so excited and he's like, you're doing comedy? It was years ago. I have not seen him. Oh my God. He was in Arizona. I was so excited. And Dan Medonia was with me.

He was going to be the host. And we were so excited. He goes, who's AJ DeMall? I go, no one likes you. How do you not know AJ DeWall? He's so fucking funny. And he's clean. He killed. For you guys at home,

the no, no, A. J. Jamal. Mitzie used to give me spots behind him. A slayer. And Dom on Friday and Domarer on Saturday. I fucking hated Dom. Because he would fucking light that room on fire. And then say shit to me as I was walking on stage, you motherfucker. You guinea bastard, you're fucking believe.

You're breaking my balls before I bomb. I'm going to go in there and eat a bag of dicks. I'll never forget one night while I was driving. down there and I got pulled over to get a ticket. I'm like, thank God. I don't have to follow Dom Marrera tonight. You're such an asshole. I'd rather pay the $100 ticket.

I used to, and explain to the people at home, you know, in the original room, it's $15. Yeah. In the main room in 97 and 98, was 225, you know, on Saturdays. It was maybe 180. I didn't want the money. I'd rather be broke.

Even though I was a junkie on Coke, I didn't want, Mitch you don't put me in the main room. You're like, I need to grow. Put me in the $15. I'd rather get the $15 and try to find the cell phone and sell it to the bank robbers from St. Louis. Remember those black dudes that used to hang up? Yeah, always do I remember.

Do you remember they were bank robbers? Every night, I'd go into the store. I think I left my cell phone. I didn't even have a fucking, I think I had a pageer. Enough money for JJ, the king of beepers, the fucking. Yes. Remember Paul Mooney used to go fund. JJ, he had a joke that wrapped up with JJ.

the King of Beepers. The King of Beepers. For people who don't know, JJ, the King of Beepers was... What was that the first one? He was the prostitutes investor. What's the big madam? Oh, Heidi Flights.

Heidi Flights. He was partners with Heidi Flights, JJ, the King of Beepers. When we moved to L.A., the fucking store was huge. King of Beepers. He had like 10 million beepers in there. Then the store came getting smaller. He brought back so many memories.

smaller, it was right behind Wendy's on sunset, behind Hoyse walk. Yep. The whole little mini mall. He had JJ, the King of Beepers must have had fucking 20 offices when I moved to LA. And then over time, it just kept getting smaller and smaller. And then he got arrested for the Heidi Fleiss thing. Right. Something happened and the thing just shrunk to fucking nothing.

I'd have to go in there once a month and pay 30 bucks for the fucking pager. the shit we used to Oh, do you remember? Like, I dated my wife as boyfriend and girlfriend, but we didn't say nothing to nobody because we didn't want Mitch and Nathan. And one night we walked into Rock and Roll Rouse

and we saw you. You were the first one to know we were dating, and I remember. I was like, oh, boy. What are you doing with her? And I'm like, I don't know. She don't even fucking eat butter. She eats margarine.

Like, I don't even know what I'm doing with her. I made it by butter for the first time. She's like, I've been eating margarine for you. Who eats Marjorie? White people do. I fucking hate Marjorie. But that first day, that was the first time we ever went shopping together. We were together like three weeks and you busted us. We're like,

what the fuck do we do now? I got eyes everywhere. This is what I was going to say about Scott Day, like the difference between Scott Day and Adam Eaget was that Adam he was the guy. Like with Scott, like you could go talk to Scott and tell him, oh, and I'm not

doing well, I don't know what to do, whatever. Because he wasn't the main person. He could, if he wasn't giving you spots, he could say, oh, well, Mitzie's just not giving you spots. You know what I mean? Whereas Adam was the guy. So people would attack Adam and be like, I have credits. How dare you not give me spots? He's like, he has nobody to blame it on.

He can't say, oh, Mitzie or this or whatever. So he just got his ass kick. So he would hide in the back of the comedy store. And I'd be like, Adam, why are hiding behind a door? He's like, they're fucking coming at me. I'm like, get in your car and get out of here. But he would try to, like, stay and, like, watch people to see if they were getting better or not. And they weren't.

No one gave him the respect he deserved. Maybe it's because we knew him too well. When he was a manager, we would shit on him. Like, I didn't know Adam as a manager. I knew Adam as a talent. Like, I never couldn't go there for those seven years. So I knew Adam as a talent coordinator, never as a manager or anything else. I thought he was great.

I agree. Nothing better than sexually harassing Adam. Yeah. which is what I do on a regular basis. I just saw him in Austin and I grabbed his ass and he's like, okay, come on. And I'm like, come on, let me see it. And he's like, get away from it. I'm like, come on.

We all want to see that hog. Let me see it. Oh, my God. It gets so mad. I don't know. So the CD comes out Friday. Yeah, or August 20th. Is that Friday?

20th, Friday. Yes, Friday. How do you feel about it? I'm excited. At first, you know, because you record the album. It's with the 800-pound gorilla people. They're so nice.

Good people. And great people. And they sent all the, both nights in tracks. So I had to listen to it, I don't know, 100 fucking times because I was like, this is terrible. The first week I was like, it's awful. I'm not doing it. I'm not putting it out.

It's the worst album I ever heard. And then the guy goes, well, where do you, where, where, where, where, where we go from here? And I'm like, obviously I quit the business and I moved back to Philadelphia and just marry whoever's getting out of prison in the next couple weeks. He was like, you might want to take a day or two, not listen and then go back to it. And then I did. And I think, you know, as a comic, we just beat this shit out of ourselves. And you want it, you want it to be funny. You want, you want them to experience what you, you know, because everybody does what funny to them, but you also want other people to, you know, accept it. And so I went through it

through. I had index cards all over with different nights, different bits, blah, blah, blah. And then I finally got it down to what I like and I'm proud of. And that's it. And the album cover, they killed it with that. Because it's called Ladylike. Because every time I get off stage, after working with Andrew Hill goes, that was Ladylike. So I call it. lady like because I'm a lady. I'm very fucking proud of Yelanel. And I'm very proud of what you've accomplished. I'm proud to call you a friend because we've been friends for 23 fucking years from that dungeon.

Jesus. It's so long. How did that happen? It just happened. You know, it just happens. It just rolls by. You're like, you know, when I was first going in, then I'd see you and that. We'd go, how long are we going to last in here, really?

We were going to get fired from here. Every time I leave there, I would be like a team. Oh, I was fired every other week. Yeah, me too. I was like, I would fire myself. I'm like, that's the last time I'm doing a spot there. I'm not going down at a bomb again. But she kept giving me love and she kept, you know, we were a family.

Yeah, a sick family, but we're a family. We were a family. You know, Paulie hit me up the other day and he's like, hey, Bub, and I go, Paulie, what the fuck is wrong with you? We're like brothers. We're like brothers. we had the same mother. Yeah. We all had the same mother.

She was a fucking mother. The other day I was like, I'm not, I'm out of mothers. Like all my mothers have died. Like when my mother died, I had like 20 adopted mothers, Mrs. Sabatino. I'm down to one mother, Terry's mom. I'm down to one mom. I used to have 15 fucking moms. Mrs. Runny died.

Mitsy Shaw died. You know, Mrs. Sabatino died. Mrs. Labrano still alive. I got like two mothers left. I went from. from having no mother to 20 mothers. And then, you know, I was like in heaven. Who's got 20 mothers?

Right. You know, you called me a motherfucker. I had to smack you 20 times because I got 20 mothers, you know what I'm saying? Who's got 20 moms? I called 20 women mom, mom, mom, what's going on? Mom, mom. And little by little over the years, my moms have disappeared, man. So I'm down a mother-in-law.

What a fucking shame. That is. It sucks. But it's true. It's like when I see Polly, I'm like, oh, hey, like I feel comfortable, even though we would fight like crazy name Polly. Oh, my God. Because it was, you know, Mitzie would, you know, be like, oh, you got to ask Alon or the sort of thing you say to the son. And he's like, fuck her, you know, and I get it.

I get it. But he came in a couple of months ago. I was at the store. It was late night. It was very dead. Like the original room was packed. but the main room was closed, the belly room was closed. So it felt weird, you know, when the wall, you're just in there and it's so dark.

And Polly's like, dude, right? It's like old school. He goes, it's the way my mom wanted it. Like, Polly, that's all. But he's not wrong. He's not wrong. That was a good time in the Illinois. You know, Eleanor, they can't take that from us.

Never. And we laughed. We had the best night that night. Polly was part of it, which didn't normally happen because we were kind of like, oh, that's the boss's son. We were like, hey, Polly, but then we would box them out for the most part, especially waitstaff. But we, that night, he hung out with the comics. He was a little tipsy, but like not crazy.

It was so fucking funny. We had so much fun. It was like, meet him, Kirk Fox, Ryan O'Neill. I forget who, Kurt Metzger. And we were just laughing and giggling. and telling stories and heart, the bartender. I don't miss comedy,

but I miss the store. Yeah, those bonding, those fun nights where it's just like. Towards the end when you'd walk on Tuesday nights when you'd walk into the main room, Gina would give you a blunt. There'd be chicks giving massages. There was a chick in the back giving massages.

Yes. She never went back there. I'm like, I'm not going back there. She was a sweetheart. You want a massage? She was. Hey, she wants to be a comic. so she put herself around it.

She's great. She's great. She was great. You know, the masseuse, the ABX capsule guys. I would leave them in a box of a fuck. They would come up to me and go, we're going to put it in your coffee. They gave me a bag, a goodie bag, even if I wasn't on the show. Oh, hey, Alan, we got a bag for you.

We got a bag for you. I love you guys. I miss Gino. I miss, you know, nobody understands that. Gino's great. What gave me the momentum to go out on the weekends was those Tuesday nights at the store. They were everything. That was our ball night. That was our ball.

That was it. Tuesday nights, I would drink four expressos before I'd go down there. Four, and a joint, an edible, and a half of Xanax, and I would run down there, and I'd be fucking ready, because I would get so much anxiety in that. Like, it would be so big on Tuesday nights. It's great. I'd do Tripoli show, and then, if I was lucky, I'd get a spot in the OR, and then

the belly roll, and just fucking bounce around. around. I was like, you want to leave. It was great. You're in this one building. You get to do three, four shows a night. It's fucking phenomenal. I can't wait for it to really come back. I don't know if it will. Those were Tripoli shows, right?

That's Tuesdays. Fucking amazing. Sometimes Rogan would do them, but Tripoli was, that was mostly his thing. The girl, there was great. Oh, yeah, yeah. I forgot. I love it. Sarah Mello. No, yes, Sarah Mello. She just

to ask me for a reference for something. I'm like, sorry, you got it. You were fucking very good to me. She's terrific. Yeah. What a great place, man. And I'm sad. I'm in New Jersey now, but it's in my fucking heart.

You can't take it away from me. That's right. A Marine of comedy. Can't take the comedy store away from me. You can't take those Tuesday nights. You can't take those bombings. Bar-A.J. Jamal. You can't take those bombings away from me from Dom Herrera.

You know, you just can't. That little shit. Yeah. How is he? Have you seen him? Of course. I talk to Dom all the time. I'm going to give him a call tonight. I'm happy you make. Oh, please do. He's so fun.

Yeah, he's a great guy. I still talked a lot of guys. I talked to Theo the other night. That was great. I talked to Josh Wolf. I talked to a lot of people, just separate. It's staggered. Yeah, sure.

I talked to Kate the other night. It's staggered, you know. You check in with people. Yeah, George Perez, you know. Jorge. I love Jorge. I love Jorge. But you keep doing what you're doing.

doing I'm really fucking proud of you man. Thank you. I love seeing your face. You look great, by the way. Yeah, we're trying. When Jimmy told me your album was coming out, I'm like, I'm getting around this week. We got to break. I had too much cock on here.

I got to have a pretty girl on here. The last 10 weeks I've got to have nothing but cock tucked. Keep your cock between your legs for now. Where can they find your album on Friday? It drops everywhere on Friday. So wherever you find albums, iTunes. We had it exclusively streaming on Pandora serious. So that was the, you know, it's playing all week. You can stream it, but for a purchase,

it doesn't come out until 820 and it'll be on iTunes, everything, wherever else you get albums. You need something you call. Yes, sir. And Andrew. Same. And I'll be over that side. So I'll hit you guys up. Maybe I'll swing out. August 28th? August 28th. I'm in Atlantic City, but in September, I think it's the 24th, 23rd, 24th, something like that. I'm. I'm at Uncle Vinny's. I don't have my calendar in front of me, but I'm doing Uncle Vinny's three night. I saw you were going to be back there again. Yeah.

Headlining at the end of September there. I have to go back to the dentist on the 30th. This motherfucker, he's going to rip out the fang. The fucking racket, those miserable fucks. They're going to rip out the fang. They're going to rip out this that Steve Simone's brother. You're going to Steve's brother? No.

He put this in there 15 years. years ago, 20 years ago when he had the practice in Santa Monica. Yeah. And now he's saying that this is no good no more. So we're going to take it out and we're going to see where we're at. They're probably going to have to fucking stitch everything again. Oh, they never like anybody else's

work, these motherfuckers. No, no. And they did it all wrong. Let me reconfigure your whole mouth. Fuck you. I don't know what the fuck made me made this swell. You know, I wish it was 19, up to 92,000. I could say, I ate some bad pussy at the

and your gums got swollen but I can't even use brotten pussy as an excuse for this shit I love you Eleanor stay black give my best to Andrew good luck I love you too

you're the best give my best to red band and everybody in Austin and uh yes I love you I'm very proud of you I'm very proud of your success thank you so much for having me

it was so good to see you and hang out at the joint with Joey you got it stay black and stay beautiful I'll give you a call next week you got it love you love you All right, you bad motherfuckers.

I hope you enjoyed Eleanor Kerrigan. Guess what? Laughing gas is back in stock, you bad motherfuckers. They put a pound in there last Friday. They're putting another pound in there this fucking Friday, the 20th. And then at the end of the month, they're coming in with the big fucking grow. So do not forget to stop in over at the ice cream shop in Studio City. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you.

I want to thank Eleanor. I want to thank fucking. ice cream shop, but most importantly, I want to thank you, Coxuckers, for watching the joint with Uncle Joey every Monday and Wednesday and supporting us. I hope you enjoyed Eleanor Kerrigan. Do not forget to go to iTunes or any of the platforms. Her album is playing on Sirius.

I don't know what channel. You're going to have to fucking, oh, probably the comedy, the dirty comedy channel. I forget Rod Dog. She's probably playing on Road Dog. Listen to her, support Eleanor Kerrigan. She's one of us, guys. the fucking savage and I have watched

to grow and I'm very proud of it. But anyway, thank you very much for supporting the joint. Thank you for supporting Uncle Joey. Thank you for supporting Mike from one by one podcast. I want to give a shout out to my man Jay. It was his birthday last week. I promised

him and his fucking friend from Segovia that I would give him a shout out and here we are. Happy birthday Jay. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week and I'll see you guys Monday morning. Tip top. Magoo, ready to go. Have a great weekend, stay black.

And don't forget draft kings on motherfucking Saturday for the Pachial Ugers fight, a dollar to win $100. I'm trying to make you guys some money. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, I want to thank you motherfuckers for listening today. I want to thank Eleanor Kerrigan. Do not forget to get her CD on Friday. It comes out on 800-pound gorilla.

It'll be on iTunes. and all the other streaming services and it's also playing on SiriusXM, probably Road Dog. I don't know for sure. The joint is brought to you by, CBD, Lion. Listen, when it comes to CBD, nobody knows Dick except the Lion. I've been working with them for three, four years now. They're tremendous. I use their melatonin gummies at night to sleep like a baby.

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