The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/09/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #110

Episode Date: September 10, 2013

Author and BJJ player Kyle Aho calls in. Buy Kyle's book:http://www.amazon.com/Soldiers-Misfortune-Parasite-Lost-ebook/dp/B00EFDZE9A/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1378735709&sr=8-3&keywords=parasite+lost This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/09/2013

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com. And by Dollar ShaveClub.com. Get high-quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to Dollar ShaveClub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church.

or just go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. What the fuck? Where's the music? Oh shit. You thought that from the beginning. We've got to get these from the beginning. Who the fuck? Oh shit. Kick that motherfuckerly. Oh shit. It's Monday. September 9th. You're not going to believe what happened 20 years ago today. But anyway, get up, wash your feet, wash your ass. It's a whole new week. It's the last fucking quarter, baby. Kick that motherfucker league. Oh shit. Oh shit. We ain't fucking around today.

Grab your cock, wash that helmet. Somebody's sucking that fucking dick. Oh, yeah. We ain't fucking around, Lee. Hit it Lee. Motherfuckers. You thought you were just going to get up today and it's going to be flowers. We got you with funeral fucking belt. What's up, you bad motherfucking jute? I had a good day yesterday than a fucking shitty-ass night.

What happened? I heard you had a shit in the thing. You flooded it. What the fuck? How much shit did you have in your asshole that you flood at the fucking toilet? I didn't flood it. It's a shitty place in Santa Monica. But, uh, so I got to call Saturday. Like, you know why, you ever hear like a movie cost $200 million to make?

You know why that is? It's because they spend so much fucking money out here. I get called on Saturday that everyone's working the entire freaking weekend to send a cutout to the network that they're never going to watch until like Tuesday or something. So I go into work last night at 4. 4 in the afternoon. At 3.30 a.m., I'm finally done for no reason. And I go to open the gate to leave the parking lot, and it fucking won't work.

And I'm fucking running around. I try different things. I try to see if there's an electrical thing I can pull. I call a couple people who own the building and they don't pick up. So I finally have to call cab, and the cab drivers, there's drunk. He's falling all over himself. He said he lived up here when the fucking, when the earthquake happened in 94. But right when I found out the fucking door wouldn't open, I had to take a shit.

And I went up to there to take a shit. It wouldn't fucking, it wouldn't go down. So I'm standing there with my pants around my ankles, trying to plunge the toilet, trying to call for a cab. And it's just... How much they charge you? 45. That's not bad, though. That's fucking...

To get up here now, but to get back down there later today. $200. Yeah. But they're going to pay for and fuck them. You don't fuck around me. Somebody sent me an email that they were very proud of you that you told the guy that he had to quit and shit like that. It's amazing how people will go their lives with a job

and take like stupid shit. Yeah. Because they have a job and they're very happy. And hey, I'm with you. Sometimes you've got to take stupid shit from people. But there comes a day, you know, you go, you know what? You could suck my fucking dick. You have to have your parameters.

And that's why I didn't do well in the job. market because I had a dream. Yeah. I always had a dream and it was a lot better than whatever fucking job I was doing. I didn't know what the dream was. Don't get me wrong. When I was 20, my dream was to be like Tony Montana and sell drugs and see a fucking jerk off. But it always stopped me from just settling for fucking 15 bucks an hour and all my week and the boss called and he's coming down today and everybody's like all nervous.

And at the end of the day, you're like, what the fuck does this have to do with my final outcome? Nothing. You ever work for somebody who comes into work and to throw their keys away and everybody's waiting for his answer? And you're like, what the fuck? Why am I doing this? Am I fucking kidding me? I'm wrapped around his world. Well, he's going to talk to you in five minutes.

You know, he had a bad day with his wife. So what the fuck does that have to do with me? But in our minds ingrained, it's like, wow, this is what we have to pay attention to. This is the guy that, you know, he's better in us for some reason. Something he did makes him better in us. Did you ever work for a corporate place that has like offices around? And they'll be like, oh, someone from corporate's coming. Every time something happens like that for me at a job,

the bosses are running around and they're like, clean up, look busy. I'm like, I already fucking was busy. And this guy comes in and his hair slick back. And they go out and they buy him lunch. And they buy it. They bring him a sandwich. The best is the VO guys, the voiceover guys at some of the places that worked. One of the VO guys, like, they're freezing cold.

so they had the AC like specially fixed and then like people freak out and the rest of the office is shivering for the entire day and the other VEO guy likes it steaming hot so they bring in heat fans for him and it's some people are fucking hysterical and you got to grab him through the neck and go looker

you're gonna fucking work whatever condition if I'm paying you $2,000 a fucking day to VO you know it's amazing how only in this market here do people make demands on their job Yeah. It really is fucking amazing. But that whole, I remember working in 84, in 83, I went back to, I left Colorado.

I had a great little fucking life going, but it was too not busy. There wasn't enough going on in Aspen. It wasn't enough that I was doing a grandma. You know, at that time I was doing like, I have a grandma night by myself. Like three nights a week, maybe two nights a week. And I was taking classes and I was robbing fucking drug dealers. and I was making money, I was putting away money. It was the first time since my mother had died

that I was putting away money and doing something constructive. I was still a fucking thief and I was still doing drugs. But for some reason I went home and I got a job at Swift Electric. And Swift Electric was an electrical warehouse and the United States of New Jersey that had like it was a union warehouse. So for starters, I made the mistake. I answered the ad and went through the employment agency. That's a fucking mistake.

Like this is how dumb I was, you know? Why is that a mistake? Because I had to give them my two-week salary. Oh, the other days, I was working 48 hours for $200 a week. What? It was like six bucks. Something fucking ridiculous. Yeah, five or six bucks in there.

Yeah, that's it. And you had to be there at seven, and it was freezing, and you had a shovel and bring fucking electrical pipes. And I started as a load, you know, in the warehouse. And I would load trucks. And the guy that was in charge of the warehouse had the job there since he was 16, and he had bought a 280 ZX so everybody was scared of him. Like this guy came in.

Like, let's say you had to be there at 7.30 and busting him. He pulled there like 8.40. Like, you know, with his coffee and his hand and his gloves and he'd come out. Like, everybody moved, and he was just a kid. The guy was just a kid like us, doing drugs. You know, he probably, if I was 20, he probably had me like by maybe five or six years, you know.

Yeah. But he had the girlfriend, you know, on the weekends, I'd do this. You know, what was he probably making? $12. This kid thought he was fucking, he thought he was fucking Donald Trump, you know. And I remember one day he said something to me, and I was one of those guys that you could push me a little bit at those jobs. But I always knew that I could go out and steal or sell drugs, so I didn't need this fucking job. I was just doing it to turn my life around to be a better person.

At the end of the week, if you pushed, that's when the real me came out, you know? Yeah. And I remember one day I, I, like, pushed this guy. Like, I was like, fuck you and your job when I pushed them and they got between it. And they didn't want me to quit. I was always a hard worker. You know, I work hard. give a fuck and they just told us not to talk but that was the first time that I

I never really I didn't take shit at those jobs and that's why I never really lasted whether it was at the sharing it I was watching the lemmy documenter lemies the base player oh the motorhead this fucking old legend you know and they were talking about that they have to call him the renegade you know and I thought about when I was about right around that time 80 right before I got arrested I worked at this at the Subaru store, that was what got me arrested. That Subaru store had this bad luck to it. I had started there, I quit, I went back, I quit,

and then I went back, and that's when I got arrested, knowing that there were a bunch of thieves. As soon as you walked into the Subaru store at the time, it was a den of thieves. It was like being in the mafia. Everybody there was a fucking thief. You just had a steal. It was, you know, whether it was car deals,

you follow I'm saying to you, there were people, they were human beings, they were nice people, but they were thieves. Yeah, they were car salesman-type thieves. even like engineers that were there that were laid off or something that went, they became thieves. You know, this was like a debt of thieves.

You made money at this car lot. You made $10,000 a month if you wanted to. You know, that's a lot of money for selling cars. And I went back there and I started rocking and rolling. I started making money. And in those days, I worked at Carlos Valverdi who got arrested for robbing banks at lunchtime

and Jimmy Wheeler. These guys were all like, like I said to you, these guys were all street guys that have become car dealers now. And one day I bought a car. car from Jim Wheeler, who was a dear friend of mine. I loved Jim, and he didn't know what he was a used car department.

And for him to make his bonus, he had to sell 80 used cars. And they were at 79, so I went to him and I go, Jim, let me buy. I thought they were going to sell me the car for what they told me, but they added all the dealership to it. So when I got my check that Saturday had taken out like $10,000 out of my check, and that's like, that's not what I wanted.

And I forget what kind of car it was. It was a shitty yellow, like a Toyota, one of those box cars. One of those Nissan box cars that had been traded, and I think I paid $900 for it, and they charged him like 15. And that was a lot of, my $600 dollars was a lot of fucking money in those days.

I remember that I said, I want my fucking money today. Like, that's a corporate office. And they're like, well, we have to wait until Monday until accounting comes in. And they didn't understand where I was fucking from. I said, I don't think you guys understand that I want. And this is Saturday. There's customers in the showroom.

There's people trying to buy cars, and I'm like, I want my fucking $600 today. Well, Joey, you have to wait till Monday and give the car back, take the car. I said, listen, you guys don't get it. You guys obviously have no fucking idea what I'm talking about. I don't know nothing about corporate. I don't know nothing about accounting.

I don't know nothing. I know that I got a check. It's $600 fucking light. And I don't want my fucking $600 today. Right fucking now. And they gave me another line of bullshit. Like another line of bullshit. I was like, okay. And I went to the lot and I took a sledgehammer.

I swear to God, this is how fucking retarded I was. You know, and I walked into the middle of the fucking car lot. Yeah. And I jumped on top with a new fucking Subaru. And I said, if I don't get my fucking money in three fucking minutes, I'm going to start breaking windshields in this motherfucker. And they thought, and I, dog, I was crazy. I didn't give a fuck.

You know, I was fucking nuts. And they didn't know what to do. I mean, these were nice, nice American yuppies. You know, they didn't know what to do. And they finally came out, and one of the guys himself gave me $600 out of his pocket, and they sent me home. They said he's $600. You got the day.

Fuck it. Take the car. Just get out of it. They didn't know. That was a fucking nightmare. You know, they didn't know. And like that Monday, when I came back, the owner of the place, it was an old, like, veteran.

Like, you would have looked at this guy. You would have never thought he'd like me. But he really, really liked me. And he called me in his office. He goes, what happened on Saturday? And I go, dog, I looked at my check. And you know what I mean? I fought for everything I got, and these motherfuckers.

And he goes, you got. the money yeah okay he goes from now on I'm gonna call you the renegade I've never seen nothing like that but I sold cars for the guy because he knew who I was and I know who he was and they got to understand me but Lee that's what I tell my wife all the time

that's why they call it work guys yeah that's why they call it work because you're not gonna go down there it's not gonna be a fucking paradise and not gonna be a paradise I don't understand like I was talking to my mom the other day and I was like saying oh it sucks going to work and and uh like I I was complaining about something

and she's like, well, everyone goes through it and and said, but I'm like, why, like, why do they have to? Like, I don't understand like, like, the stuff, like, who, I took a cab here after work. I've been up for 24 hours and the only, like, I would never have called you and said, I'm going to go to sleep now. I love, like, why can't you, like,

there has to be enough things that people can do that they enjoy it. You know, by 1991 when I got on stage, I knew everything sucked. Yeah. I knew everything else in my life sucked. I knew even if I got that degree, I was going to school for, and I didn't go to prison.

Once I applied the degree in the corporate, can you imagine me going to work on a Monday morning with a fucking shirt on and shoes on? If you were in accounting, right? And I knew this at 30. Like, it dawned on me when I was in school. I started watching people. And I started watching what happens in society. You're 21.

You know, you're 18. You graduate high school. you go to college with a predetermined fucking whatever. When you're 18, would you judge anything that you fucking know? No, you're a fucking idiot. So why would you listen? Well, at that time, you don't know you're an idiot. No, you don't.

You don't know how much of a fucking idiot you are when you're like, I'm going to go to school and be a political scientist or whatever the fuck degree or chemical engineer, whatever the fuck. You don't know, so now you're two years into it and you hate it. But you're already two years in and you're $30,000 in loans. So now you got to take it. So now you marry your fucking sweet,

childhood sweetheart. It's the same thing. It's a fucking pass. And part of it is the American dream, but part of it is the American nightmare. Yeah. You fall into this fucking realm and all sign you're 26 and your life is laid out. You got a wife. She's pregnant. You got school loans. This is your job. You got a pension. You got a 401k. And this is what you're doing for the fucking next 30 years. Right there, that's when I started drinking. That's when I started doing blow. This is it. This is the fucking end result of you going to school for fucking 20 fucking years of your life, right? Because you figure you go when you're and you stayed into your 20 fucking one. So it's basically 17 years of your life. This is the end result now.

Now I got this chick that I fucking banged up. She was a cheerleader. She looked kind of good. Now she's getting fucking annoying and I bang her up. I'm stuck with this fucking fat bitch. And her, ooh, and her family. That's a little, that's a little on it fart there. Oh, yeah, that's that protein pile.

I put a little banana in that motherfucker this morning. Ooh, it's raw. I like that. It smells like asshole and foot. It's weird how much you look. the smell of your own farts. Oh, everybody. I love it.

I love it. And we cop it and we wish it don't go away. Especially when you first get in the car and you get a phone. Oh, no, that's disgusting. You don't, you know. No, no, no. When you get in after a long day, I love farting in the car.

My wife got in my car. She goes, it smells so bad. And it smells like old-ass sweat and dead farts. You should have a funeral for the farts in that car. So I went with a thing of Fabreize and I sprayed. I leave this fibris and it was 105 degrees.

The Fabreze blew up in the fucking car. It's not like a car smells like an explosion, farts, and febreeze, and fucking everything else. But it's amazing. Like, I was headed there. Like, I remember looking at my wife, looking at my daughter at the time, Jackie, and going, this is it. Yeah. I'm fucking 28 years old, 29. I already did my prison time. Now I'm going to come out, get this degree.

At first, I thought I was going to have to move to New York City and get on the train every day. And that's it. If you work downtown, have you worked in the city, that allure is great for about three fucking years. years. Well, I'm going to go to the train. It's going to be great with my little brown bag. Oh, my God, my little iPod on and listen to podcasts. Fuck you. Fuck you. All right? Fuck you. I'm not going to get on that fucking train every day. So I decided to stay in Colorado and I started roofing, which was completely, completely off from the plan

that I had had. Because when I got out of the prison, I was supposed to go sell windows and doors for a friend of mine in New Jersey. Really? Yeah, I was in there. So windows, sashes, doors, all that shit for a friend of mine in New Jersey. And when I got out of prison, Trump had fucked his company up. Trump would, you know, have, that's why Trump don't run for fucking president. Because, you know, Trump is Trump now. But we know Trump from 30 fucking years ago,

40 years ago when he was doing a bunch of kinky shit. You know, when he was doing a bunch of kinky shit. It's so funny if you read Sammy the Bull's book He mentions a guy like Trump But it's Trump who he's talking about Trump got away with murder Really? Sure, Trump got away with murder Trump did a lot of fucked up things in New York

Remember construction was run by the fucking mafia For 20 fucking years You know, a dumpster A construction dumpster Those big dumpsters you see on the street With $200 anywhere in the country in 1987 You know what they cost in fucking New York $2,000 $2,200 for a fucking dumpster

You know what the concrete costs were in New York in the fucking 80s? That was the mafia tax. That was levied on it. To be a part of that, to get that work, you had to pay the mob. The mob had a dollar club, a percentage club, where every contractor, you know what I'm saying, has to be part of this thing, and they bid, and you win the bid, but then you have to kick back.

So what you do is you use a non-union labor in a union job. So instead of paying the people 17, 10 and out of the laborers, you're really paying a mate. That money goes back to the mafia. you. So if you got 100 employees and you're stealing $8 an hour from 100 employees, what are you making a day? You're making a lot of fucking

money on those big jobs, Jacob Javits, those big construction jobs, there's 50 fucking laborers walking around. Yeah. You know, so it's a union job, so you hire union laborers. There's some guys that you've got to pay 1850 to pick up a piece of paper every hour, but there's other people that you put on and you pay them eight and you tell

the union, you're paying them union wages. So let's say they're getting 18 an hour, you're taking 10 out of their fucking pocket. That's the kickback. What? You know, plumbers get 36 an hour? Sure. All right, Lee, what are you a plumber? You're going to come in as a non-union plumber. You're going to get 18. I'm going to make

18 an hour on you, just for you. So if I got five of those guys, I make 18 an hour times five. That's $100 an hour I'm making. Those are the shop stewards. Those are the guys that were fucking running those unions. So if the mafia was involved in construction, what is

Trump's business? Construction. Construction. So what the fuck? You think he tippetot his way through with that fucking Liberace wig on? No. He fucking stole with two fucking hands.

But nobody puts that together. I mean, that's a real thief. They gave a TV show. They gave that motherfucker everything with his little fucking wig and Ivana. That guy robbed. He built the casino in Atlantic City. Who runs Atlantic City?

The mom. Okay, then. Then what the fuck are we talking about here? That's hysterical. You know, but nobody figures that out because you all live in your head up on your fucking ass. You all live on that CNN world,

whatever the fuck they tell you. You know? That's what people don't know. I look at something for what the fuck it really is. I never thought of it like that. That's why Trump walks around with that look on his fucking face. Sure. Remember they wanted him to run for president?

I don't want to run. A guy with that ego would do nothing else but be present. A guy with that ego would be present. He can't because once they look deep, they're going to go, what the fuck were you doing in 1975? You were running with the fucking Gambinos. You were in the Price Bid Club. You were running with the Genevese.

You would run them with the fucking five families. That's construction. That's labor racketeering. That's crazy. You want to look it up? Look it up. Look in that. You got the balls and you know it home.

Look into fucking what Trump was doing in the 80s. You're going to die. So Trump would be the G.C. The general contact. So I'm going to come in here. I'm going to redo this room. So what the GC is in charges of hiring everybody else. So he hires the painters, the electricians, the floor guys, everything.

You follow me? I put the bid in. blah blah blah blah fucking Trump would tell the people to get the material and then not pay him so and then he fucking keep the materials they build and that's why he went bankrupt Trump's a smart motherfucker that's how he made his first couple fucking million and you stiff them you keep your fucking dough Jesus what are they going to do you lost on a deal they don't fucking know if you're telling the truth it's a fucking real racket and people don't see it it's like governor you know there's so many people that should be running for present that would have more of a fucking

understanding them the jerk officers that are around it running because they got their heads up their ass and ego there's people who could really run this country financially wizard money-wise they would never let those fucking people do it yeah you know those people you gotta you gotta deep you gotta break a fucking egg to make an omelet once in a while you gotta do some kinky shit even if you know to get into that realm of money somebody's got to get hurt do you think eventually they're gonna have to like let people like that because now we're getting to the place where everyone's gonna have uh, paper trail, like, not even just what they spent,

everything they've said is going to be recorded from the time they're eight, essentially. So, like, they, like, no one's, like, you won't be able to run for president, like, now, but then they're going to know, it's a, it's a, it's a hacky comedian joke, but everyone's like, are they going to know, like, your YouTube comments. So, like, if you say, if you say the N-word on YouTube,

like, people would now would get mad at you, but it's, it's crazy. Listen, bro. You know, this is, it's a different world now. It really fucking is a different world. But I've always believed that you excused whatever the person did as long as he's doing a great job. You know, the mayor of fucking San Diego, that fucking guy was a freak. He's choking women, drooling on him, fucking body tackling these motherfuckers. There's a limit.

You follow me? There's a limit where you can't go forward. But there's some people who've made mistakes early on. They're young or made a stupid mistake. I'm not talking about a fucking gang rape. That's not a fucking mistake, you know? You're a fucking animal. You're a barbarian.

If you sit around with five guys and ass rapes and a fucking girl. That's a barbarian. That's not a mistake. That's in your DNA. Somebody fucked up there. They got to throw you in jail for 20 years. But there's people who have made mistakes that didn't know, whatever. Why not?

Why not? All those fucking presidents have made mistakes. Now we're up in their fucking assholes. Now we're up in their assholes. We looked into the presence that were people that were presence in the 1800. They were all slave owners. They all did fucking fucked up shit.

Whatever was the fucked up shit in those times. Kennedy was a bootlegger, whatever. A lot of the people, but how can you judge somebody by that? It's like getting an attorney. You ever have a squeaky, clean attorney who really believes in the law? That guy's going to get eaten the fuck up. You need a guy that believes in the law knows how to twist them, raise the reasonable doubt.

And at the same time, he's got to be a savage. He's got to know the DAs. He's got to know how to cut a deal. Come here for a second. Listen, you're the, you know, when you're a fucking, whatever the fuck you call it, one of those people,

an attorney that represents a lot of people. What do you call those people? A public attorney, public defender. What do you think? You got 90 fucking case law. Yeah. You got 90 case law and you're working

against a DA. And you just cun deals. You know what I'm saying? Look, Lee is a black kid. Yeah. Lee is some fucking black kid from some fucking school whoever the fuck he is.

He's got no parents. He's got no fucking hope. You know, give him 20 fucking years. What do you care? The other kid, he's got hope. He's got, you know, you cut deals. You know, right now, Lee, if you, God forbid, hit somebody in the head with a fucking pipe.

Mm-hmm. Okay, and you got a regular schmuck attorney or you pay $30,000 for a fucking Jew from Beverly Hills, you know the fucking difference in court. Yeah. You get what you pay for. Absolutely. It's a shame in this country.

There's hundreds of thousand people in fucking prison. isn't because they didn't get the right representation. Is that a big deal? Not that nobody looks at them, because nobody knows that world unless you're a criminal. Nobody knows that world unless you're a criminal. You know, how come you could have vehicular manslaughter and get six years, and I could have a vehicular manslaughter and get two years? That happens in this country.

That happens because you could pay for a better defense. You could pay for investigators. You could pay for... You understand what I'm trying to say to you? That's fucked up. Yeah. So if I fucking... smack somebody and you smack somebody

I could probably get a better deal because maybe I could afford an attorney for $10,000. You ever see those fucking ads for DUIs? Yeah. That will get you off a DUI. There's so many variables to a fucking DUI that we don't know about. We'll go in there on our own because we don't have fucking money.

You got a DUI. What cost on the DUI is the attorney. The fines and all that shit, that's what you'll pay if you don't have a good fucking attorney. You know Heather McDonald's? Oh, the afters, yeah. Her sister, 10 years ago, was the top DUI attorney in Los Angeles. She had all the fucking Hollywood stars.

If a Hollywood star got an attorney, that's what they would fucking call. Yeah, they never really get in trouble. So it's not because they're celebrities, it's because they can afford good lawyers? They can afford representation. They got a backbone to the story. This is what happened. He had a rough day, Your Honor. He lost a pilot.

You know, he doesn't drink. He'll go into a rehab. There's two fucking systems. Like, if you got busted for, four ounces of Coke and I got busted four ounces of Coke in today's world I would beat you out. Why? Because I know the whole system what to do. I know the thing

exactly what to do from the day I get busted on. There's a process that you do. If you get arrested with four ounces blow in your car and let's say you have them bagged up. Anything over 28 ounces is possession and distribution. If they catch the baggies, let's say you go and buy, you go to some

dudes house and you buy four grams of Coke and they say you four baggies, when you get pulled over, you're going to get pulled over for possession and distribution because you had four baggies. But they were mine, I'm not selling. Where were the four baggies? Okay. So there's always different fucking variables that you have.

Some guy might get arrested. He's hooked on blow. He wants to just come out and snort blow. I know that if I get arrested for blowing it, DUI, the first thing I do when I get out is go to fucking a rehab. Oh, shit. You go right to a rehab. You don't even play.

You don't stop. All those things matter. Yeah. All those things going to play in front of the fucking judge. You follow me. There's so many fucking things. go into play. Now let me ask you this.

You, I mean, it's obvious with your last name that you're Hispanic, but to look at you, you pass, you could, like, Italian, everyone thinks you're Italian and stuff like that. Did you ever run into that? Did, like, did it judge ever be like, oh, well, you're Spanish?

Like, probably not say that to you, but does it make a difference? Because when you said that if you had Coke and I had Coke, I would think the white Jewish kid would have a little bit of a better chance than a Spanish guy has already been to jail. Well, again, I get an attorney that'll

cost a fucking that'll cost and he'll do different investigating. Okay. And get me the fuck out. You know, listen, when I got arrested for the kidnapping, there had been another kidnapping in Boulder. It wasn't a kidnapping. There was a Cuban kid that was

going to University of Colorado. You can look it up. I don't know what the kid's name is. In 1987, he was going to University of Colorado on a Pell Grant and all this shit. But what he was doing, he was going to Miami on the weekends and getting Coke and bringing it back to Boulder. Fuck.

Nobody fucking knew about it, but one day they found this car covered with blood. They never saw him again, never found him again. So they called it, it was a sloppy play operation. So they called it a drug rip

and they never found his body. Like I said, you want a body that disappear? Colorado's the place to be. You put peanut butter in his fucking pocket, take him onto the mountains, put some fucking saltines

in his toes, take him up to the fucking mountain. And that's it. That's it. The bears, the fucking coyotes, everybody will take a piece of. There's no DNA.

Look, it's been, what? They've kidnapped them and killed them in 87. They never found the fucking body. 25 fucking years ago. That's it. Once the snow comes down, you're done. Once that snow hits, that ruins that whole fucking DNA. He's just out there.

The beauty of it, when I went to court the first two times, they pointed that at me to raise my bail, to leave me in jail longer. Even though they knew I didn't do it, I didn't know the kid. Really? At that time, yeah, there was two, There was that kidnapping and there was

this other guy that he Okay, what he said was he had two broken legs. I forget what this guy's name was when he said the cop, they were trying to kick his door down. So he jumped off the balcony and when he jumped off the balcony he broke both his legs. So he took him to jail. Trust me,

I've been paranoid a thousand times where I almost jumped off the fucking balcony and that's what I think happened. When I seen it in the paper I go, this motherfucker got so paranoid. He just jumped off the fucking building but that wasn't the fucking thing that wasn't the case the case was that somebody knocked on his door

and tried to rob him and he jumped off but at the time I got arrested they were using those two they said in the courtroom they said three things they said one he's a he's being whatever for kidnapping

the Spanish kid that's missing and he's under investigation for it and I'm like what are you talking about and then they said he's part of a Cuban crime wave he's part of the Cubans that came And I'm like, I came in 60 fucking six. What are you talking about, 79? Mario Let's go.

And you were six. And I'm fucking three. And I'm sitting there going, what the fuck? But that's what they have to say. You know, that's what they had to say to keep me the fuck in there. They had no, no, no proof. Holy shit. But I had kidnapped anybody or anything like that.

Hit me with some musically. It's Monday. I want to be around. Light some candles. You got spirits fucking watching you all week. I'm like, I don't have a camera. I got a fucking joint. I'm going to fucking roll here.

That's all I got, cock suckers. Get it together. Hit it leave. It's Monday, this weed is fucking delicious. A little Tony Benefew, cock suckers. Oh shit. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart.

Some, somebody twice as smart. I like smoking weed in the morning, Have I told you that? You know what? I would never have guessed that about you. I think you're a Pilates and a cup of green tea kind of guy. I like green tea. You know what I did this weekend?

What? I fucking relaxed. What does relax mean for you? I really did. I really did. I had to do it. Did you write like 200 pages and look? I can't imagine you relaxing.

I wrote a little bit. I hung out with the wife. I hung out with the kid. I shot this documentary. You know, I felt bad because the people from Dead Squad came in. Yuck Nasty and Joe Hymittu, my girl. A couple people coming in, I didn't get to see him. I know they had a good time.

They went to the Ice House Friday night. They went to the Comedy Store Saturday. Last night, they all went down to Bray to see Joe. Oh, tonight they went to going to the Ice House for Kill Tony. You know, I got a big fucking dagger. There's got another text. I got more big shit today. Oh, shit.

They called me for a fucking movie. Uh-oh. The dog that saved Easter with Dean Kane. Really? You're doing another one? Movie. Why not? You know, I got to keep them coming.

I got to cover him. my insurance every fucking yeah that's great yeah it's great that's what I want to you're so pissed the last time we did it you had to just either had the knee surgery or just heard your knee did it no I didn't know you no no no yeah because the last one you did

or it was with the same people you had just either hurt your knee or was about to have the knee surgery and they made you fall like 20 times so did I know you then I think so yeah we hang out of that and you call me and you like they hit me fucking fall down 18 times my knees broke my knees broken

I was like kill that guy I was going to kill that fucking guy. He never called me again. That director since that night, he knew not to call me again. I think even Dean King was pissed at me too after that night because it's all mortifiable. Fucked himself. I ain't doing it again.

Fuck it, you got me. I got in my car and I left and never talked to nobody. Here they are. But what we're talking about? Oh, you relaxed this weekend. I relaxed, dog. I shot that thing. You know, man, I was on the row for three weeks, fucking straight.

I'm 50 years old. I'm tired. I'm tired. I went to jujured. Jitsu three times last week. I went to the Y once. You know, I had to drop up packages for an agent. You know, it was fucking hot.

The heat sucked it out of you. I tell you, I went to Jitsu Thursday Day. I thought I was going to die. Oh, yeah. I thought I was going to die. Do they have AC though? No, they still was wet. But the heat is down on the heat, you know, heat rises or something.

But when I got there, it was so hot on the ground that I was doing hip escapes. And I could fucking huff and puff. It was horrible. And they got some new fucking blue belt in there that just threw me to, fuck around. I mean, it was amazing. You know, it really is amazing. But I'm getting better. At least I can go three. You can see it? I could at least

wrestle now for three fucking minutes without dying. You know, I could at least hold you down or try to bash your guard or, you know, so I'm getting better. Three minutes is a long. People don't think it is, but like to be rolling around and like trying to control someone for three minutes. I don't know what's harder. Being on stage for three minutes or rolling around for fucking three minutes. Because three minutes sounds like

three fucking minutes. But believe me, when you're on stage, it's a fucking eternity. Yeah, go slow. God damn, that's a fucking eternity. You can't believe how fucking time slow when you're up on stage. But it's, that's it, man. I just wanted to relax. I relaxed with the baby, the baby.

Had a great day with her yesterday. You know, I'm going to take a swimming today. Today's a swimming class at 420. Today and Wednesdays are swimming classes, you know. Tomorrow I'm going to shoot all day for Fox. Oh, cool. I'm going to shoot some sports promos for Fox when my buddy's call. I got like three promos.

I'm going to shoot. Tomorrow. For like football stuff? I think, yeah, for college football. Oh, that's cool. So I got that going on this week and Thursday. I go to fucking New York, you know, and that's tough. That's why I really wanted to relax a lot, because I know that a lot of people going to the shows,

but I know that I have to see my family. I get off the plane Thursday and I got to go see Carmine. I'll probably go. You're going to see Carmine? Yeah, right off the bat. I got to go see him. I got to bring him baby pictures and the pictures from the set with De Niro, and then I'm going to give him to him and then probably see George. and go eat at chance.

I'm going to go home and relax for an hour, too, that I got to be at the palms with my man Anthony Spina and shit. And he's got like a prime rib and fucking crab legs. Oh, shit. And then, you know, he also invited me. I got invited to Diane Sawyer's taping.

Now, let me tell you something. You know, I got a lot of little shit to do. My shows aren't until 1145, so I could probably do Diane Soire. I just got to see where it is and whatnot. Fucking Diane Saw. Let me tell you some. I watch Diane Sawyer every night.

That's what people don't know. At 6.30, fucking everything. Everything ends. The phone don't ring no more. I put it on vibrate. You think I'm kidding you. I listen to Diane Sawyer like fucking, like, and I'll tell you what, if I go to the show and I take a picture with Diane Soye, I will put that in my wallet before my wife. And every time you fucking yuppies give me a hard time, I will show you that picture, melt you, motherfuckers. Are you to make it like a sign like I love you, Diana? Oh, fuck you, I'm going to wear a suit and everything. That's my girl, dog, with that little. I love her haircut. I love the cutest fucking haircut. She's just, she's so small.

You know, she's so fucking smooth and so good at what she does. You know, I hate when they have Zadaropoulos on the fucking Greek guy. Oh, you don't like him? I like him, but I like Diane Soya. I want to talk to Diane Soye. I don't want to see some fucking guy. I hang out with Diane Sooy. When did this start?

I just, I can't even imagine you having like a crush on Diane Sawyer. It's not about a crush. It's about knowledge. She's a badass motherfucker. You know, when you're a badass motherfucker, it's just, that's just the way you are. There's a couple of news people that are badass motherfucker. Yeah. That you look at and you go, this motherfucker ain't fucking around.

Not those guys on KTLA or eyewitness news, not those fucking Harvey homos. I'm talking about real, like the guys from 60 Minutes, the chick from 60 Minutes who got raped and beat up the whatever two or three years ago. That fucking girl is a badass with the English accent and whatever she's from. I don't know. I'm one of her biggest fans, man. I watch 60 Minutes just because of that woman. The guys, not the fucking old guy at the end with the bushy eyebrows. He could suck my dick.

I think he's dead. You fuck him. Mori Schaefer and all those guys. Fuck him with his fucking eyebrows trying to be cool at the end of 60 minutes to make me feel fucking stupid. Fuck you. Best thing about 60 minutes is

always comes on. He goes, you're watching 60 minutes. He goes, I'm Morty Schaefer, I'm out, I'm whatever, and at the end. I don't forget sitting with my buddy Roger. You know,

the one I used to ask for blow jobs. Yeah. Ooh, ooh. And we're sitting at his house after dinner one Sunday. This is 30 years ago. We're sitting on his house. on a Sunday night and 60 minutes comes on

It's like hi I'm morey Schaefer Whatever he goes go fuck yourself more Right in front of his mother and father We were in high school I fucking died of his fucking Right in front of his fucking parents I said go fuck yourself we fucking died So I like good announces I like good shit

Do they I was thinking about For like sports center on even news Do they rehearse for that Because it's going all day It's fucking great I don't know how they do it They have the teleprompter You know so you look at the teleprompter

You know so you look at the teleprompter It's got the camera. So you look at the telepromp And you're reading. I hear you. The fucking line is down. I'm going to tell you what today is. I told you that I didn't remember until this morning.

What? 24 years ago today, I was married. No way. September 9th of 1989. 9-9 of 89. Shit. I don't even know. What does it feel like?

24 years. What? I tell you what it feels like? What? Tell the truth. I understand. why she was mad. I understand why she got divorced.

I understand why, you know, the child doesn't talk to me anymore. I understand. I understand more and more every day about that situation. But the wedding was the beginning of the end. Like the wedding proved that she didn't know until the wedding. At the wedding, I ruined her fucking day. Like, I ruined her big day. You did?

Yeah. Once you ruin somebody's day, it's pretty... How do you ruin it? You know, I had just gotten out of prison. I got a pregnant. I had a great job. I was making money. You know, I talked to halfway house

and to let me go to San Francisco for the honeymoon and all this shit. And it was just a ploy to snort coke with my friends. You know, my friends came out. And at the fucking wedding, I had a snort. I didn't give a fuck about kidnapping Vela or what I had done. You know, I never thought about those things. You know, and at the honey...

I remember I was getting on the plane and she knew I was coked up. Yeah. Oh, shit. We got a call. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Good morning, my brother. Good morning, Joey. How you doing, brother? You know me. I'm over here with the flying Jew talking about fucking criminals and Diane Soye and all this other bullshit

that we talk about on Monday morning. But I'm happy you call. What's happening? Kyle? Give me something good, brother. 6.45 a.m. How are you feeling? I'm feeling pretty fucking tired, Joey.

I'm not going to lie to you. What time did you go to sleep? I don't know, like two What did you do last night? What does everybody do at 2 o'clock in the morning? Absolutely nothing No, did you go out drinking last night? I'm saying no, no, right?

No, no, of course not. I'm not that cool. Are you kidding? It's funny because who am I tell these guys who you are. Kyle, how do you, I say your last name? I don't want to say an insult nobody here. Aho. Aho, okay.

Are you? Yeah, it's a feeling for you're going to have a terrible childhood. All right, all right. So you're from Finland? Where are you from? I'm originally from Minnesota. Okay, no, no, I understand. That's right.

That's why we had this yesterday. Yeah, we have Norcbury. I hear you. The reason why I have Kyle on, his name is Kyle Aholand. He wrote a great book named Parasite Lost, Soldiers of Misfortune, Parasite Lost. But I'm going to tell you what it says about the author, which I was reading yesterday.

It says, Kyle has taken it upon himself to exercise his vivid imagination, and hone his skills required to share that imagination with DeMasses. As a digital artist and writer, he hopes one day to build an empire based on all the crazy things in his head. He's an avid practitioner of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

and a full-time dork. I fucking love that, bro. I fucking love it. Yeah, you got to come up with something. No, but the way you say dork, I mean, you're not a dork, but you're, uh, I love you, Kyle. I go to, I was just telling them I went Wednesday, uh, Thursday,

and I got beat. up and you know you've taken care of me from day one and I always uh you're a great kid and I you know we always talk about work and what you do and you're a digital artist and on something one day you go to me bro I wrote a book and I'm like what the fuck are you talking about you know you're you know you're a graphic designer or what I don't even know what I called you're like no I wrote this book Kyle I'm blown the fuck away thank you sir thank you yeah it's been a long journey I'll tell you that now how long did it take you to write this book to be honest, I started it in high school originally.

But the problem was I didn't get a whole lot of feedback. Like, it's hard to get people on board with something that they aren't familiar with. I mean, you know how it is when you're trying to get something off the ground. So I didn't get a whole lot of positive feedback, and I was looking into the publishing world at the time, and everybody tells you that it's impossible to get into, that you can't make a living as a writer, and that you might as well not even try,

because what's the point? You know, it's similar to actors. You know, actors, they tell them, oh, sure, you have a dream, go chase it, but you're probably not going to make it big. I mean, you've been there. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, please.

So, you know, I wrote a decent portion of it, and I just kind of put it on the back burner for a while because I didn't think it was going to go anywhere. And I figured, I mean, I should probably learn a real-world skill so I can have a big boy job because I can write any day of the week. You know, you don't have to necessarily go,

go to school to learn how to write. It helps, but you don't have to. Um, so I put it on the back burner for a while and I didn't really think it was going to go anywhere. And, uh, eventually one of my friends whose opinion I hold very dearly, uh, had heard about it and wanted to read it. I'm like, well, it's not done. So tough shit. And they're like, okay, well, why don't you go fucking finish it? And I was like, uh, okay, I guess I will. And then, of course, I lost my job and had been unemployed for the past four months. So that gave me enough time to finish writing it and publish it

and get it out there. And I've been very fortunate that the reception has been very positive so far and I'm very thankful for that. Brother, you did something that's, and it's with anything. Can you imagine going home tomorrow, Kyle, and telling your mom and dad, I'm quitting everything. I'm going to be a jiu jitzu instructor.

Don't look at you and go, are you fucking crazy? And it's everybody. It's every parent, everything you want to do. We're just talking about why do people submit themselves to a job to deal with a shitty fucking boss, you know, shitty conditions, they lie to you sometimes. And then there's people who go, you know what, I'm not doing this no more. I'm going to be poor for five years. I'm going to do what I want to do, get it up off the ground up.

And it sounds a lot easier than what it is to do, you know, five years sounds like a fucking eternity, you know, but it really isn't. it really fucking and you're a young guy I mean I am so proud of you you know you go to jih Tzu you do the center write a book I've been trying to write a book for fucking two years I got maybe 10 fucking pages

maybe 10 pages and you outline and you erase it I'm sorry no I was just gonna say that it's I think the hardest part is just just doing it you know Nike that's their fucking thing is just do it right

the hardest part is just sit down and crank it out. Because you've got all these voices in your ear telling you it's not going to work, it's not going to happen, you know, you start to doubt yourself. And really, until you just get that push, you get that inspiration from somewhere, that's the fucking

hardest part, you know? It's, uh, you sit there, did you, now you used Word, WordPress, you told me? Ah, yeah, I just did it in Microsoft Word. Microsoft Word. I've been trying. Yeah. My computer fucks up. I finally one on the site is called ill lift illlift.com and they break a book down into scenes chapters characters so that's been helping me a little more lately so i've been just you know i've been

writing a paragraph here and it's good because i can have four chapters open at once oh that's awesome so i could dig into the chapters like i don't feel like writing this chapter today i thought of something for this one and i'll tell you it is just and when you told me you wrote it i took it home you sent it to me first my wife put it on Kindle and I'd never used Kindle before and I get on the fucking Plan and I can't scroll the pages so I was stuck on the first fucking page so I couldn't read the book Now you gave it to me and I have the hard copy here with me and I'm looking forward to this five-hour flight to fucking New York because that's the only time I could read but I mean uh you know I looked at a couple chapters last night you got a character named alister I love it you even use some mrame fucking

references you know I love what you did and I'm so proud of you Kyle you're you're a great fucking You're fucking deadly in Jiu-Jitsu. What's going on with the Jiu-Jitsu? Are you doing this next Nogi tournament? No, I'm not doing that one, but I'm doing legend at the John Jock tournament where they're going to be all creepy. They have like two men enter one-man leave, and they're just going to broadcast it over the internet.

That's going to be pretty cool. That's what is that, Saturday or Sunday coming up here? This week coming? This weekend, yeah. Oh, shit. And is it Sunday or Saturday? I don't even know. They haven't sent me to schedule yet.

I think it's Sunday. I'm not positive, though. You know, we go, I've been going to martial art things for a long time. And out here, when I was 400 pounds, I joined the school on Vermont. And then from there, I went to this kickboxing school up by us, you know, Muay, America. And that was great place, you know. And then somebody there referred you guys for Jiu-Jitsu,

and it's down the block from my house. And it's easy to go to it. But I got to tell you something, in all the places I've been to, nobody was ever involved. I went there to go work out, Kyle, and I didn't really want to be that involved in it, but nobody was really involved with me. So it was like I talked to the people. I was there, and I went home.

You know, and this is at Muay Thai America, and this is at the other place. I went there in Vermont and Hollywood. This is the only place where I'm friends with 10 of you guys off the mat. Yeah, you know, a lot of gyms, the dynamic is very different. Some people just like to go in and beat face and other people. There's like a family atmosphere. I think, you know, We like to foster that family atmosphere because it makes it a lot easier to get on the mat with people.

I mean, you get your ass handed to you every day. You got to know these people and you got to like them, you know? It really is. I mean, I go in there and I beat myself up. I go home and I feel bad about myself and I forget that I'm 50 and that you guys are young guys, but you guys are all fucking gentlemen in there. You know, you guys. You're a fucking savage, Joey.

I don't know what you're talking about getting yourself beat up. Oh, my God. You guys are fucking stronger than that. I've never experienced that type of shit. It's, for me, I've never wrestled. I never did anything like that. I always played football. I played basketball, but that much contact with somebody.

And at the end, to look up and look at you, and our geese are all fucked up, and for us they'll be giggling and high-fiving. I've never had that, Kyle. And I'm doing it with people at half my age. So, you know, when I was fucking 25, I'd see a 50-year-old go, Look at this creepy motherfucker.

And I wouldn't talk to him. You guys have opened your home up to me. You know, when I can't... No, we think you're creepy too. Oh, I know, I know. When I can't go on a Monday night, because I have the laugh factory. Like, it hurts me.

Like, it hurts me. Like, I go, fuck, I want to go see those guys. Like, you know, we live in. Like Pringles, right? Like what? It's like Pringles, right? Yeah. You get one class in and you're like,

oh, fuck, I got to do that again. I got to do that again. You know, the box is empty. or the tube the tube is empty it's uh it's such a great nurturing place over there you know john bud you know i don't know who he's great he's as dippy and i love him through all he's just a

a laid back guy marcello's funny john evans a fucking technical savage you know right it's just uh it's been a great ride man thank you for making it fucking great down there for me well thank you for being there man it's so fucking easy and it's just amazing.

And 8.20 has all these different things going on and you with this book, and as soon as you told me you had a book, I said, I'm putting you on the fucking podcast because you blew my mind. You blew my mind, Kyle. Trust me, it takes a lot to blow my mind. When you told me you wrote this fucking book,

I was like, that's amazing. I've been trying for two fucking years. It's rough, man, when you're trying to live life and do something that you want to do and keep food on the table, but you just got to hunker down and do it. So where are you selling this book now, Parasite Lost?

Right now, you can download a digital version off of Amazon for $3. You can buy a payback version off of Amazon. For retail is 550, I think they're charging like $4.95 because they like to make everything cheaper because they're Amazon. I don't know what the deal is behind that. And then I'll be shipping. If you're in L.A. and you bump into me, I usually have a copy or two on me.

You can just buy one off me for five bucks, but most people are going to find it on Amazon. I've been talking to a couple different retailers around the area. Some people might start to pick it up. I'm not sure on that, though. If you want to keep up to date on everything, you can check out the Facebook, Soldiers of Misfortune Universe,

just Facebook.com, backslash Soldiers of Misfortune Universe. Or you can follow us on Twitter at, excuse me, SOM underscore Books, and that's going to have all the latest and greatest on whatever I'm coming up with at the time. Now, are you having any, like, book signings? Like, are you going to do any of those live things? I love to help you.

I love to maybe we're doing a live podcast on the 20th, up at the ice after the Friday night. And you're always welcome wherever I am. You know that. Oh, no shit. Anything I could do to help you, man. It's, like I said, I wrote one chapter of it. I read one chapter of it. I'm going to give it to my wife.

We're going to switch and read. My wife loves all this stuff. You know, my wife loves sci-fi and the whole thing. So she's got the Kindle now. I got the hard cover. And I want to have you back here again. Because, like I said, man, you blew my... I mean, you blow my mind with the Jiu-Jitsu to get my mind blown with the book.

And then I read a little bit of it last night. I'm like, this fucking guy can write, too. You know, I haven't... I love that you say that. I mean, thank you. I appreciate that. I haven't gotten a whole lot of feedback yet. The only real feedback I got was from my mom.

She goes, you know, Kyle, I... I didn't think I was going to like it because most of the stuff you write is just bad. But this looks really good. So, coming from my own mother, I mean, that glowing review, if that doesn't sell it for you, I don't know what does. Well, Kyle, the beauty here that I'm selling is what you did. Is that, you know, you just sat down and did something. You were a young guy. You're 23?

22? 23, yeah. You know, you know how many people listen to this podcast of your age that they're a year-age that, that, they're a young guy? lost, they're scared of doing something, and that's why I brought you on to show these people that fucking, you can do what the fuck you want, man. Especially today, you want to write a book, you want to make a movie, you don't need no $2 million. You just need three or four fucking friends, a few Puerto Ricans, some bottled water, some Oscar Maya salami, and fucking people come down because they know you have an outlet now. You have YouTube, you have all these

fucking places that you could, you don't have to be stuck anymore. And this is why I put John Kyle, let these fucking people know that you had this thing, your buddy pushed you to write it, you finished it. It's not like a term paper that sits in your computer. You made it happen. You're 23, right? What's that? How old are you?

23. If you did this at 23, do you know what you're going to be doing at 30? You know, I hope a lot more. You're going to be doing some fucking great things, man. So anything we could do for you at the church of what's happening now, I'm very proud of. Is there a webpage for this?

There is not a web page. Okay. There's the Facebook. I mean, nobody actually gives a shit about the author or the book itself. They just want to get all the pictures of people and free offers and shit like that. So right now I have a Facebook. Let me ask you something. Do you know the guy that wrote Silence of the Lamb?

Thomas Harris. I do not know him personally. Me neither. I bought like three of his fucking books. The beauty about today is Kyle that they're buying you. and that's what I want them to do with this book. They're buying you. You're a great young man.

What you've done is fucking tremendous. A lot of people have dreams. I had fucking dreams of 28th. I didn't even, you know, when I wanted to do stand-up, Kyle, it took me three years to get on stage, you know. But you did it. Three fucking years, though, it took me, Kyle.

Three fucking years, but, I mean, that's a lot. I mean, think of how many people who have tried and failed. But you kept trying, you kept moving in, and you did it. You know, that's what people got to do. That's why I go to Jiu-Jit-Tacob, because I know I suck, but I also sucked when I got on stage the first time. So I know I just kept going back. You know, I just kept going back and going back and going back.

And pretty soon I was getting on stage two times a week, and then I was getting on stage three times a week. And this is it. This is what people forget that we have to stick with shit, no matter, because five years could either go by fast or it could go by real fucking easy. I was talking to Lee's girlfriend yesterday, and she just got into law school at U.S. and I'm like, first off, you're not going to believe how fast is going to go for you.

You know, what you think is a big commitment isn't really. Three years is fucking fast. Kyle, one minute I... Like a link. Yeah, one minute I was graduating high school, the next minute I was fucking, you know, like nine years just took off. Like, your life goes on like nine-year chunks. You date somebody, you've got a job, and all of a sudden it's five years later. So three years is nothing in the fucking...

So how long did it take you the right to finish it once you put your head to it? Once I really hunkered down and was thinking about it, it was probably like a, I'm going to say, like, a five to six month process of actual, like, nose in the book, writing and editing and stuff. I didn't have an editor, so I had to do it myself because I'm broken shit. But it's, yeah, it was about five to six months of, like, actual work, which I think is, pretty good. Now let me ask you, is there a second book on the horizon? You know what? I am about 10,000 words into the second book.

There you go. There you go. So now you're in. That's it. You're the next fucking Thomas Harris. You don't even know it. I hope so. We'll see what happens.

Did you finish the other guy's book yet? Which one? Kujo. Stephen King. I did read on writing. I was actually. You know, I should have read it, 2020 hindsight. I probably should have read that before writing a book.

But you know what? You live and learn. What did you think of it towards the end? What did you think of it? Because when I spoke to you, like, he's talking. He's not getting into the nuts and bolts. What did you think after, like, page like 150? He gets in deep, doesn't he?

It was, yeah, I thought it was really fucking, like, I don't, I told you, I'm not a huge Stephen King fan, and any literary buff can feel free to send me hate mail. I don't really care. I'm not a huge Stephen King. King fan, but you can't argue with the guy's success. And I wasn't particularly interested in his life story, which is what the first half of that book was. I mean, it was interesting, especially towards the end when he got into all the crazy crap that happened to him at hospital. But

his advice for writers was amazing. I would actually highly recommend that to anybody who wants to get into the craft, even though I'm not a huge fan of him as an author. Yeah, I mean, you like it, right? Those those some good nuggets for you, too. You know, man, it's so weird how when I first got here, comedy writing, writing, writing pornography, writing about jujitsu, it's writing. You know, and you go to Samuel French and you buy all these books on writing. And as you know, all those books, you can wipe your ass with it. Because if you want to get better at writing, it's just like jujitsu. It's just like comedy.

You've got to write. Yeah, it's mad time. Yeah, it's mat time. You got to keep writing and writing and writing and writing. And you look back at the shit you wrote three years. ago and you fucking want to delete it and throw your computer out the window. Thank God you've evolved because that's what happened. I started writing with blogs six years ago.

My thing was a blog every Monday. Oh my God. If you could find my own MySpace and look at those blogs in the beginning, you will see punctuation of death. Spelling. I didn't know what spell check was. I had forgotten. You know, when was the last time I fucking wrote when I was in college? That's, you know, 30 years ago.

A joke, you write, you get a premise and they, you know, you get a premise. you're driving the tag comes and you go on stage and you work out tags that's how I thought I was supposed to write but writing is writing it's mat time there's no two ways about it's getting on there for years I wrote the Jean Perrette books I wrote the I read the Judy fucking Carter books and I remained in limbo once I started writing it it became a different animal to me you know it helped my stand up it helped everything so and I know you know what I'm talking about at first. You're like, I'll read a bunch of books on writing. They don't do dick for you.

But the Stephen King book, it put everything in perspective to me. That guy's a fucking animal. You know, that's John Jock. Oh, yeah. Oh, totally. 10,000 words a day. He works every fucking day. You know, he described his writing area. I mean, it's just he was fucking superb. So,

brother, if there's anything I can do for you, I'm very proud of you. And this is things that society is forgotten that when something is not working you go to plan B and look you went to plan B and it's going to become plan A in your life man I have a funny feeling exactly I'll see you tonight yes you will so where they find you how can they buy this book right now today how can they get it for the three bucks Amazon head over to Amazon type in parasite loss I think in the third option right now hopefully that'll be the top option soon and three bucks you can download it onto your Kindle. If you don't have a Kindle, it's not a big deal. You can download the Kindle app

for free off of Amazon. It works on basically every computer, smartphone, tablet that you can think of. I read on my phone all the time. I read on the subway on my phone. So I would highly recommend that. The books are a lot cheaper on Kindle, and you can just one click, you download them, you can start reading right away. You don't have to go to a store. You don't have to worry about carrying anything around. So I would highly recommend it to anybody really. It gives you something them to do. It's better than playing video games. You know, works your brain a little bit. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to read it this weekend.

When I get back, I'll have you on like two weeks for a blurb and we'll talk about it. Right, brother? Sounds like a deal. Thank you very much, sir. Hey, man, you're a fucking gentleman, a scholar and a savage. You're a fucking savage, Joey. What are you talking about? And hopefully I'll see you tonight, buddy. Thank you very much for waking up early and calling and inspiring a bunch of motherfuckers because you inspired me when you told me I've been writing.

and so I even went on the ill-iff because of you. So thank you, brother. All right, no, thank you for having me, man. I really appreciate it. Anytime, my man. Have a great day. Stay black. You too, my man.

Stay blacker. All right, bye. Bye, buddy. Wow, 23 more above. There you go, motherfuckers. There you go. I want you as all today. Today, do me a favor.

This kid's a great kid. This kid's a great fucking kid. Let me look it up. And I tell you this in the bottom of my heart. This kid has taken me, and he could break my fucking neck 18 times. And he lets me fall on him and sweat bacon grease on him and all this shit.

So I got to help this kid out because he's a gentleman. And like I said, I've been to a thousand schools where I've trained. This fucking place is this VMAQ place where we go on Burbank Boulevard. It's just I'm telling you guys, you know,

I go there, I let them beat me. I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm not going to get a blue belt. I'm not going to chuck people out. I'm just going to fucking get healthy. That's it. Yeah. I'm scared to lay on people. I don't mind passing your guard and wrestling.

I know my lungs are going to get to. You know what the fucking doctor call me? You know, I have a sleep app and you have a machine computer. So I take the card out every 30 days and I put it and I mail it at them and they send me a new card. And this is a report for how you're doing. Right. And they send me a report and they send my doctor report. What a fucking doctor called?

Yeah. And he said that this last thing because I got lazy and I missed the date so I kept it for two months. so they said that I had no apnea. This is because I've been getting on my back. Guys, when you have that sleep apnea, you wake up choking. So I would wake up going, so in your mind, you don't want to be on your fucking back. And when you do get on your back, it bothers you.

It bothers your fucking soul. So I decided, just like the acupuncture, they get over the needles, that I had to do something on my back besides getting fucked in the air. Got, go, go, go, go, got to do something. Sometimes, guys, it cannot be all fucking serious. You know what I'm saying? I got to do something on my back.

So I started doing Jiu-Jitsu, guys. This is what I did, and it helped my fucking sleep apnea. Do you know that last week, on the way back from Milwaukee, I fell asleep for an hour and a half, even Joe said. And that's big for you? That's big on a fucking plan to fall asleep. That's huge for a guy like me. I can't breathe.

Oh, yeah. So this sleep apnea is giving me more oxygen to my lungs. It's doing something. Yeah. It's overcoming the fear I had of breathing. So this is what I'm getting out of Jiu-Ti-T. I'm going on. I ain't getting nobody in a fucking homo plot.

I can't even get up off my... I can't even do a setup. You're not going to do the tournament this weekend? No! What are you fucking... Bro, they would kill me. I can't even do the time. It sounded like you're signing up over the phone.

No. To like the White Pell tournament. No. Listen, dog. When I get halfway decent, I will do an over 50 fucking tournament. Really? That'd be awesome.

Yeah. And the church will come down and we'll put a church patch on and we'll go down there. And this is it. Guys, I got to... The only way I could keep you guys intrigued is by fucking moving. People always ask me what happened to Joey Karate.

He fucking died. If Joy Karate was still around, I'd be fucking embarrassed. You got to keep moving. You got to keep fucking evolving every day. How am I going to keep these fuck? These are kids that listen to this fucking podcast. I got to let them know I'm with you, motherfuckers. I'm with you.

By the way, I got a fucking email. Saturday about Dollar Shave Club. That my package is in the fucking mail. So I should be getting it today, my new fucking razor. This is what I'm talking about. This is why I like Dollar fucking Shave Club. And the owner's calling it on fucking Wednesday. Bam.

Bam. How's that for you, motherfuckers? That's how much I believe in this fucking thing. Go to Dollar Shave Club. What are they pressing the box? Church. Listen, they got a dollar plan, a $6 plan, and a $9 plan. You know what's six times 12?

72. Boom. A year. Four fucking razors. Three fucking things on the razor. You got a little stominky cream and your girlfriend could fucking use it. That's a $6 razor. The $9 razor, what else you get?

You got a bunch of fucking shit. $9 razor just has aloe on it, has an extra blade, it's a four blade razor. $108, bam, for the fucking year. And you got razors, and your girlfriend's got raises, and you got the fucking mush thing for your face. Who's better than Dollar Shave Club? This is one fucking talking about.

No one is. Nobody is. So, as I was telling you guys, when I think of today's anniversary, like, just the whole day, what I did to that girl. What I did to that poor girl. Now, at what point did you start thinking like that?

Because I'm sure a few years ago you're like, fuck that bitch on the end. You would go out and like fuck somebody. Yeah, man, there's two sides to every fucking story. So these are the little things that I remembered over time. These are little things I remember after taping the testicle testaments and talking shit, you know, that there was, I did things also.

I ruined that fucking wedding day. You know, my friends coming Nebraska, with playing Colorado. They went to the whole hotel and put the TV in the reception. That broke her heart. You know, uh,

me doing blow. Broke her heart. You know, this is a special day. A wedding is a girl's special fucking day. And I didn't let it. It'd be special. So I understand that she was mad at me for years.

You know, it was the first time you get married. You're a fucking Catholic. It's supposed to be the best time, you know? Yeah. So these were the things. I wasn't ready to get fucking married. I was just looking for a,

fucking scapegoat to go down a fucking a bad corner with me. At that time, I didn't know what I was doing. None of us don't. Yeah. At 27, you know. I hope I know that's scary to me. Like, 2017 seems old to me.

89, 89, I was 26 years old. And I was fucking tremendously street smart. And I was tremendously savvy, but I was looking for somebody to support me. I was looking for somebody to do the work. Yeah.

And that's why I got married. You know, I was looking for somebody to pick up the thing with me so I could fan my balls and think of my mastermind empire. There's no empire, you know, when you're a jet, you're a jet for fucking life. And I didn't fucking know that. You know, I didn't know that. So I understand if she's mad or whatever. You know, at that time I wasn't looking to move straight.

I was looking for somebody to take care of me. And I'm not talking about take care of me like a mooch. I was looking for somebody to, I don't know. I don't know what I was looking for. But I wasn't looking for a wife for the right reasons. You know, and those are the things you have to learn before you get married that I was looking for a wife to do laundry and to suck my dick and cook dinner, not because I really wanted to be with her or nothing, you know? Yeah, what would you do if she called you today, or like now that you kind of come down? I'd apologize.

I'd say, look, I'm sorry about today, man. Oh, I'm burning my fucking shirt. I'm leaving these shirts can I possibly fucking burn. That's why I wore a nice white shirt. I fucking took one bite or something. lash right on the fucking shit. I would say I'm sorry. You know,

the bigger the man, the bigger the fucking mistake. Sometimes you've got to say you're fucking sorry. You know, and it sucks. Do I want to hang out with her? You know, I mean, no. But...

But you wouldn't start, like, freaking out at her? Because you used to be really pissed off. I might. I might. I'm one of those people that, you know, once I'm mad, I haven't seen that little girl

in a long time. I don't know what was told to her. I'm sure she feels the same way about a lot of situations, you know, that maybe. But right now we're both cut in the spot. Right now we're both behind the wall. So what are we going to do? Yeah. I don't even have a number.

Really? I don't have those people's numbers. Well, I guess after the child support ends, there's really no reason to him. Listen, in my world, I just want to be a dad at the time, you know. I'm having a great time with this other monster. It was her birthday. That's crazy to me. Thank you for a little present.

He gave me a little SpongeBob Square Pants. I was going to take it to the SpongeBob Square Pants fucking cell. Festival. Fan abrasion up at the Universal City Walk. But it was like older kids. They were doing a table read. I don't want to see fucking Squidward without the Maker Bob. You know what I'm saying?

I don't want to see behind the curtain. That's the worst thing you can do to a fucking kid. Yeah. It's like time I'm fucking, you know, Santa Claus is fucking Spanish. You can't tell that to a fucking kid that'll kill. him so. That'd be terrible. No, yeah. I mean, I was in TV, yes, and I saw a little Beanie Baby.

I was like, oh, she loves it. When I left this morning, she was torture and Terry after quarter to five about something. I don't know, I finally came and took her and took her in the bed with me, and she stopped. As long as she takes my earphones, she's fucking happy. Oh, really? She looks at me. She plays with my earphones and fucking spins

them around and hits herself on the head. You know? I'm fucking happy. Everybody's happy. Then the mother came in and got it. She can't be awake. She's going back to bed And you can see her looking at me Like as she's going in the room like that I thought you were putting Santhana

Because I put music on And she like that's dumb shit I can't wait until she's like six You guys are gonna tear Something like you guys are gonna like a wrecking crew I'm gonna tape my fucking comedy special Just doing comedy for her Yeah

That's the new special tape Just me and her talking Because I do comedy for her She don't give a fuck I listen I tell her jokes to kill She don't give a fuck She just just then throws the bottle and shit Well, yeah, she's eight months old.

Well, at least react to me, you fuck. She doesn't even care. I'm throwing heat at you, and she's just sitting there in the fucking baby chair looking around the fucking room, like, I don't even exist. This killed in Boston, home with the aerosmith and the Red Sox. She ain't got to go for that shit. But, no, I thought about yesterday when I was doing the paperwork for the podcast. I thought about the wedding and shit and the Coke and what led up to it.

And, you know, it was just all bad guys. The money I gave her for the ring was all made out of Coke. you know it was just I think about those times I'm like Jesus fucking Christ and that's kind of what you were talking about earlier giving a guy second chance like it's kind of like people ask me

sometimes if it's weird working with something like you weren't in jail like that's scary to some people and like I'm like it's so far removed from it like I can't even I can't even imagine you doing that stuff now like you're still crazy but you're not crazy crazy it's it's the funniest thing how the stigma that you get

by going to jail. I think half the people I talk to belong in fucking jail just being stupid. Just for a year. You know? Just for a year. It's like that voiceover guy that can't work unless it's cold.

Yeah. You know, it's like that voiceover guy that needs heat, really? How about you do a voiceover in prison? See how cold the fucking air is in there? It takes away all that shit. All little shit that I had. You know, I used to hate my fucking uncle.

I wanted to kill my uncle. Yeah. You know, it wasn't because he didn't help me. He didn't give me money. My uncle told me the truth. My uncle broke it down with me, like only Pink Floyd could have animals. You know, you gotta get up off your fucking ass.

I'm not gonna help you. He said a bunch of shit that I didn't want to hear. But that shit straightened me to fuck out. And I heard that voice in jail. You know, I would call him from jail and tell him I was gonna kill him and all that shit and hang up on him. That way, I'm my daughter!

And I would hang up on him and all that shit. But I finally realized. Like, I talk to my uncle now and I love him. Like, my uncle wants to do Thanksgiving this year, Just me, him, his girlfriend, my cousin, my wife, and the baby. That'd be great, yeah. Because he's like, you know what, that fucking baby's got me. I took him down a couple weeks ago to give him the Willie Nelson tickets.

Yeah. And the baby gets stranger things like she cries. But I told my uncle, I told her in Spanish to kiss my uncle and she kissed my uncle. My uncle hasn't stopped talking about it. He's 74 years old. She's fucking beautiful. She's respectful. She kissed me.

You know, so me and my uncle didn't get along for all those years. and I know my uncle felt bad for not helping me, but he wasn't supposed to help me. The help he gave me was reading me the riot act, which was the world doesn't owe you a fucking dick. You know, I was very confused at 22, 23. I thought the world owed me a fucking living. The world don't owe you fucking dick.

That's why I had this kid on the fucking podcast today. Because the world don't owe nobody dick. It really doesn't. We think that in our head, well, my father, fuck you and your father, fuck your mother. They're dead. They're not around. Now you've got to get out there and fucking mess.

make it happen. The world knows nobody. Dick. And a lot of people, I talk to a lot of people that, well, L.A., no, the world don't know you dick. You got to get up every fucking morning from scratch and kick these motherfuckers in the cunt and let them know who's running shit. If not, you're done. And you got to do that every fucking day. And you got to tell yourself that every fucking day, it's not easy to do not be cracking fucking jokes or doing this fucking podcast, whatever fucking you people talking about, you know what I'm saying? Who the fuck knows? I'm high as fuck late. Oh, my God.

Are you stoned? Yeah, I'm stoned. And I've been up for 24 hours. Stop crying, cusset. So what are you going to do? How are you going to get back to San Monica type? I'm going to take a camp. They're going to pay for it.

You talk to these people yet? I emailed them. Fuck. I came. I went on a Sunday for them. Fuck them. I worked. I worked my opposite shift for 12 hours on a Sunday.

They can pay her for $80 camera. Or they can send a PA to pick me up. Either one. I'm not with either one. Lee, you're a fucking savage. You really coming on. out of your shell. I'm proud. I came over here this weekend. I saw you sitting there with your girlfriend.

You got a nice girlfriend. You're making it happen. Yeah, thanks. She's perfect. You miss Ashley? Fuck, no. Fuck that dirty bitch. I never dated Ashley. She lives here. But you wanted to suck that fucking little stinky twilight. You felt the animal. You were to tell you that little bastard to death, wouldn't you?

No. Never. All right. No, I mean, it's cool. I mean, like, the first part of my day yesterday was awesome. and watched football in the morning with her. We went to her mom's house, and she made me homemade tacos with homemade tortillas and had some ice cream cake.

What happened to the New England Patriots this weekend? We have no receivers. So did you play this weekend? Yeah, we beat the bills by two, just barely. Who plays none of Monday night football? There's two games. There's San Diego and Houston, and then there's one more game.

They're doing a lot of games. They're doing two Monday nights. The Patriots are playing the Jets on Thursday. What's the second game? It's Washington and Philadelphia. It's exciting. I love football. She doesn't get it at all.

You love it. That's what I thought. How the fuck is he going to work? I tried to watch the Dallas giant game for a little while last night. Yeah. I was watching that. But hey, the other thing is, don't forget, a fucking Hulu Plus.

We got Dollar Shave Club out of the way. Now we got Hulu fucking Plus, okay? For you motherfuckers who haven't done it yet, Hulu sent me a thank you again this week because a lot of years are signing up because you're finally getting through your brain. Hulu is great. Hulu Plus is even fucking better. You go on there for two weeks, you get it for absolutely free, you get the shows, you get original programming, you get all the oldies. I mean, you got a bunch of shit on Hulu.

My wife's hooked on it. That's it's over. And then, after two weeks, it's $7.95 a fucking month. That's $8 a month times 10. That's $96 a year for entertainment. I know people who pay that monthly. So get it together. $96 for the year.

You got tremendous programming. Hulu Plus. Go to joey-deers.net and press Joey in the box. Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Who the fuck they think they're dealing with? You know what I'm saying?

Dealing nobody. Oh, and they got a guy who's in a movie with you. They have one of Kevin Hart specials on there. On Hulu. All right. I'm excited for that to come out. Really? Yeah, Christmas Day.

You really? You're going to go? I don't know if I'll go on Christmas Day, but yeah, fuck you. You got to go Christmas Day. You're with fucking De Niro. You're not going to go with your mom? I don't know if I'm, I'm sure. I,

the girl, she wants to go to New York for New Year's Eve, and I'm like, no. Oh, it's so fucking cold. You want to stand outside for eight hours. She's like, it's snow. I've never seen snow. You don't want to see. Take out of fucking madness. I show you all this snow in the world.

You never go to New Year. is here from New York City. You don't want to see snow. I grew up there and I would never go down there with those fucking momos jumping around. I think they pay half those people. Nobody goes down there. If you're from New York, you don't go down there.

Oh, no, no one is from New York there. But, like, standing outside for eight hours in the fucking snow. Oh, my God. But they're in the fucking refrigerator with the fucking hot wine and some shit jumping up and down. She got kind of mad at me because I just said no,

and I was like, but you don't understand. You don't understand what you got to walk down? all that drum people with armpit drunk people bumping into you and shit people running game in New York people work all year round their fucking scam for that night to go to New York and pickpocket your iPhone really yeah man they were doing a target up here one day said they had a sign-up you got your phone stole a target fucking come on up here we'll give you a talk to a detective to call there were rings they go into these targets and they take your fucking iPhones and shit oh shit they pick pocket but you that's how silly I

Bless you. Thank you, my friend. You're welcome. Yeah, fuck that New Year's fucking across. No. Those waspy people jumping up and that. Oh, my God. Get the fuck out of here.

Stay at home. Suck your husband's dick. Fucking sparklers or whatever the fuck you do on New Year's. I fucking hate New Year's. Really? I hate it. You know what I like the past couple years? They do a three-studious marathon.

Oh, tremendous. I love it. I love it. I love it. That's all you fucking need. The ones with Curley. Yeah. Curly is the fucking best.

If Curley would have had an honor, he would have still been alive. He's coming in next week. We'll make him a video. Oh, cool. He's like a video for fucking Omnit. So I'm still on him, brother. You guys got to get your shit together. Damn.

You know, if you're not eating the hemp horse protein, you're fucking slipping. If you're not taking the Shroom Tech, I'll tell you what, the Shroom Tech is fucking really giving me the hand up in Jiu-Jitsu. That's giving me some breathing at least. Now I can last three fucking minutes. I rest for two and I can wrestle with somebody fucking else a couple times. I love it. love what I'm doing right now. I'm not losing as much weight as I wanted to, but I know I'm getting strong. I know my cardio's getting better, and I am losing weight. I have lost some weight.

Well, and the sleep apnea makes you retain it a lot more, so I'm sure if that's getting better than you're going to start losing weight. Yeah, no, no, no, and I got more energy. I went to the while yesterday. My wife went to church because she didn't go to Catholic Church. He went to the other church yesterday with the Christians or something. I didn't really want to go, because I feel embarrassed. Why? Because my wife is trying to get the baby there. This is a daycare. It's a Christian daycare. The Jewish people are there.

That's how good the daycare is. Like people drive an hour to put their kids at that daycare. And it's three blocks from my house. But it's a two-year waiting list. What? So I had to go. My wife has gone there the last couple Sundays. It's like 10 o'clock mass.

Yesterday she asked if I want to go. And then I got high and went to the Y. When I was in the apolitical machine, I started thinking about the next time she goes, I should go with her because we're a family. I'll put a suit on. the whole fucking deal. But then I started thinking about the people that

what if one fucking person out of that congregation went to the ice house one night and saw me by mistake and saw how dirty I was or they put the podcast. And you know how those people are sometimes, you know? What if they see me with my daughter and my wife? They probably won't let her into a fucking daycare. So,

you never know. You never fucking... You think about that stuff? Yeah, man. Because people think about that shit. Like, just like what you said. People say, hey, he did time. You know? to some people. Fuck. That's a, I don't, listen, man,

I'm the type of guy, maybe because I did time, but even before that, I didn't care if somebody did time. In fact, one of my good friends is turning himself in today. Oh, shit.

A dear, dear friend of mine, and I talked to a friend of mine last night and told him to send me his address, because he's a dear, dear friend of mine. I grew up in his fucking house, but we haven't spoken. Like, we speak on Facebook.

We haven't really hung out like 30, 25 years, but I knew him, I knew his father, I knew his brother, I knew his sister, and he's turning himself to the federal and I asked him for an address.

And she goes, that's weird that you would ask for an address. Are you going to send them money? I'm going to send them money. I'm going to send them letters because I haven't had contact with him. So when he gets a letter from me, it will mean that much more in here. I know what a letter means to somebody in prison. You know, I was in prison. There's all these little things I learned about prison.

I am ashamed about going to prison to a degree. You are? A third of me is. Okay. Like six percent of me is. But then when I think about that shame, I tell them to suck my dick Because if you don't want to be around me Then you do need to suck my dick

You know, going to the fucking prison It's like a hitching the fucking army It builds character It builds character for some people Built my character It taught me who the fuck I am today And where I didn't want to be For some people, that's what they want to fucking do

You know? So, but there's still people who do judge On that basis that maybe he went to prison Yeah Maybe you got arrested I don't give a fuck about those people If they're going to judge something like that I don't want them around me anyway

I rather they don't come around me. Do you know what I'm saying? I think it matters for the person. I feel bad, but there's this kid in the town I grew up in who just got out and he's been in and out for the past like four or five years. He's like a year older than me. And like he gets out and all on his Facebook. He's like, oh, I'm making changes.

And then he find out he got arrested for breaking into a truck and trying to steal laptops. Listen, you can't listen to people. Yeah. You ever watch a UFC countdown? Oh, yeah. I'm going to punch him until he fucking submits. And he gets in there, nothing happened.

What was all that talk for? I'm training. I'm stronger than ever. Me and my train have been running with a mask on. Who gives a fuck about a mask? If you didn't get him punched in the face, you're doing the wrong fucking training. And then they get in there and you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, listen, talk is fucking cheap.

When I got out of fucking prison, I never said I wasn't going to go back in it because it's who I am. It could happen at any time. It's an occupational fucking hazard. You know, I'm a comic, but a.k.a. I'm a fucking criminal. I run my empire. I run every fucking day like a fucking criminal. Yeah. So, all you can do is make yourself better. That's all you could do.

You could, you know, I hate that shit. It's like people who post on their Facebook that they're going for an audition. Just show me the finished product. You know what I'm saying? Post the fucking video of you standing next to fucking, uh, the chick from fucking friends. I don't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? My aunt got mad at me this week.

Who? My aunt, because I put on... You asked me this morning if it was... I don't know if it's Rosh Hashanah Yom Kippur, but it's the Jewish New Year. And the big thing to say... To say happy New Year in Hebrew is La Shana Tova. Lashana Tova.

That's right. And fucking... Every year on Facebook, 8 million posts. And whenever you go to Temple, because when I lived in Boston, I had to go, because my mom wanted us to go, everyone says that to you when you walk in and out

and on these days they have to take the temple and they open it up they open it up and they have 800 more chairs and everyone's going and shaking hands but like these people like they don't talk about it for the rest of the year like this kid's my age saying like happy new year

like it bugs me and like I put something up like don't put it up if you're like it's fake I just I can't stand like oh you like me we hate the fucking Stop saying Happy New Year when you're... I'm blessed. Yeah.

I'm so blessed. I'm so blessed. I have a couple... I have so many blessings, but meanwhile, you're fucking your assistant. You know what I'm saying? Behind your wife's back, but you're so fucking... Just shut the fuck up. All right?

Don't come about you. You're so blessed, you're fucking douchebag. I'm so fucking blessed. This is what we put on here with the church. Don't fucking forget, all right? Friday and Saturday, February 13th. February 13th. September 13th, this Friday, I'm at Gotham's in New York City, go to Gotham.com and get tickets.

Saturday, I'm at Gotham's again. If you go either Friday and Saturday, the 20th, we're doing a live podcast at the Ice House on a Friday night, 8 o'clock sharp. Myself, Lee, a tremendous fucking guest, and that's what we got going on. Like I said to you before, like we said before, we rock hardcore. Here's the DJ, right, motherfucker. Hulu Plus, two weeks for free, 795 a month. You can't go wrong with it. Don't make me fucking go to your house and shake you down.

Just give it a try for two weeks. You're not going to be sorry. As far as fucking Dollar Shave Club, I'm not going to give you a sample that, bitch. What I'm going to give you is an opportunity for a dollar a month to get fucking razors. A dollar a month if you're that fucking poor. For $12 a year, I'm going to sign you up. Not only that, the present is going to call in on fucking Wednesday. Number three, on it, you know me in the fucking health.

Just because you're a fat fuck don't mean we're not out there banging it. Whether it's strong bone, my toe don't hurt no more. But I still wear the flip-clubs because I love it. My feet feel free. Why wear fucking shoes? I'm going to wear shoes and wear socks. The strong bone is fucking great. The alpha brand, we can't talk enough about.

You know, I just, I gave some to salami. Fucking kid begged me for some more. You know, I got those daily packages. We got the hemp horse chocolate bars. We got the hemp force protein powder. You could mix and match. Listen, if you listen to the podcast, there's no reason why you shouldn't be healthy.

You shouldn't be fucking, you have good TV at night, and you shouldn't be fucking shaved clean. and your nuts should be fresh because I'm offering you all those things as a fucking man so to be clean-faced your balls, you're shaved, nice entertainment at home

plus you got vitamins in you who's better than fucking me and if you smoke pot on your own time then you're even fucking better you do some jumping jacks Lee how many jumping jacks you do today 800? Even I did three jumping jacks this morning

while I was making a protein shake to scare the cats that's how I fucking roll as far as everything else what can I say it's fucking Monday you know what you got to do you want to sit around and scratch your balls And nothing's going on, then you're going to get the same fucking results.

Go out there, grab your fucking cock, go out there and tell some motherfucker to suck it. It's Monday, motherfucker. I'm going for it. It's the last quarter. That's it. If you ain't got a fucking job, you're going to have a lonely fucking Christmas, and you know what you're going to eat for fucking Thanksgiving? Dick. Nobody wants to eat dick for Thanksgiving.

You got to eat that dick with the fucking powdered mashed potatoes and one of those Swanson's fucking Thanksgiving dinners by yourself. And you won't have no TV. And I won't give you the Hulu thing at that point. Motherfuckers. What's up with you, Lee? Tell me something good, Coddy. That's it, man. I can't wait for the 20th.

That's all you're living for. That's all I live for. That's why I love you, Cocksuck. You don't give a fuck. Do I give shoutouts today? I don't think so. Nothing. Let me give some shoutouts here.

How do you? My main man, Eric Cardenas. My main man, Neil and Fourth Work. My man, Mike Higley. I don't know who the fuck this is. Meg Love is some shit. Bill, happy birthday. Gene says she loves you, cock-sucker.

Boom, Boom, Boom, stay black. Mike McCarran. And Rick. Born free. Why fuck around when you can fuck straight? Give me your pussy and I'll demonstrate. Anyway, Lee, what do you got for me?

Anything, C Cucca? You know Uncle Joey loves you? I love you too, buddy. I'll see you Wednesday. You're going to get your card until you're going to be resting. We're going to have the CD out for you on the 24th. Lee's going to have it ready to ship the iTunes by fucking Wednesday. I'm taking the pictures for the cover next Monday.

You guys are going to have a great fucking CD for yourselves as September 24th. I promise you, we don't have a name for you yet. We have a couple that we're going through. What are the names? It's a surprise. We can't tell them. No, tell them. What are they?

Okay, well, for the two that we had... I don't know. I don't even fucking know. Talked you about was... I didn't mean it like that, but fuck it, but we can't say fuck it. Right. And the other one was, how do you think I feel?

That's right. How do you think I feel? So September 24th, that's coming in full effect. Listen, you know me. Go out there, stab a bitch. Have a great day. Believe in God. Believe in yourself.

Pick up a paper. Remember, fucking character is what happens. when nobody's watching. What are they going to do with the paper? Short-knit a fucking garbage. If we all pick up a piece of paper, it'll be a clean of fucking world. Believe me. One piece of paper

that's a motherfucker, a piece of paper, a cup, these fucking filthy animals. Lee, don't I always throw the garbage out of you when I come? You do. That's just fucking cleanliness is next to godliness, which is being closer to you, motherfuckers. I love you. Stay black. Now that the show's over,

don't forget to sign up for your free trial. Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus

when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joey-diaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for your free trial. Don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shave Club.com. You get high-quality razors savers sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail.

Now go to Dahlashaveclub.com for it slash church or just go to Joey Diaz. and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Parasite Lost from my man Carlano. Don't forget to get it. Parasite Lost. It's right on Amazon.