The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/10/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #5

Episode Date: September 11, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about the anniversary of 9/11, techniques for losing weight and Joey tells a story about when he hid in a dumpster all day. Joey's ex - girl friend Devan calls in. They talk about their crazy days in Seattle. Recorded live 09/10/2012

What's happening, cock suckers. Greetings, welcome to the church of what's happening now. I'm your host. Joey D. is a.k. Matt Flavor, my main man. Lee Lee Syatt is in the motherfucking house. Little Doris came in. Who do you love? Somebody remade that song years later, but it was all right.

The fucking guy, you know, two bourbon, two shots, and one beer who gives a fuck. How are you doing today, Lee, Lee, Lee. I'm doing fantastic, man. The show yesterday was great. Patriots won. I'm happy. I just told you not to fucking talk.

talk about football and that's the first fucking thing you did. You said not to talk about that. Yeah, no, the football. Anyway, it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Because that's what it turns into. Okay. Anyway, it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. We did it.

We made it to Monday. Hit him with a little fucking I want to be around by Tony Bennett. First fucking thing I said for. Is that Tony Bennett? I want to be around. I want to be around. I want to be around.

to be around. Tony Bennett, the one I told you to line up with the bridge. I want to be around. We all right today? Yeah. Here, smoke them of this. When somebody breaks. There you go, baby. A little Tony Bennett at the day, my mother used to play this every Monday, every fucking day.

This is the first jam she put on, so I do not to respect, you motherfuckers. So, Lee, you fucked it up already with the football, so he might as well talk about it. New England one. Everybody fucking won. except I had the under and they didn't fucking cover. Turn it off, Lee. They didn't cover. Those cock-duckers.

They were winning with two minutes fucking left. But that's what gambling's about. That's why they're 17 weeks. You lose one, but it's not like you lose. I lost $55 fucking $1,000. If you have a bit 20 parlays and two teasers and that, who gives a fuck? Bet one game blasted. You got 17 weeks.

You'll go 14 and 3. 11. Net loses. If you bet $100 a week, that's $11,000. Enough with that shit already. There's two games on tonight. If you want to be a degenerate, go bet them. I wouldn't fuck with him. There's two games tonight to rip your fucking heart out.

So you got to go to home. So your kids just went back to school, and now you've got to pay the fucking bookie back to school rate until God knows when. But anyway, that's over when. What did you watch last night on TV? There was dick on TV last night. There ain't dick on TV.

I caught up on Louie. Do you watch that at all? Sometimes, yeah. It was fucking amazing. And I know everyone says it, so it's kind of hacky to say that Lou's amazing. but I watched the last two episodes and it was just one of him losing his kid in New York

and it was just like he was terrified it wasn't it wasn't that it wasn't funny but it just the fact that he's doing on TV was great so that I caught up on that and that's about it mean other than that there's nothing Dick on fucking TV breaking bads over nothing nothing I mean it's a Sunday I watched something on 20 20, 60 minutes

about the soldier who killed Obama of bin Laden when they got out of it I watched that until I could tolerate the fucking bullshit and I couldn't tolerate that no more. I worked out yesterday, a nice little fucking workout. I ran around. I've been working on a lot more late. I've been working up to five days a week. Today I'm going to go to fucking yoga. I go to

one-hour yoga on Wednesday. It's a quick beginner type yoga. Shit, I've been going there for a while. Get that over. I got an audition in town. That's it. That's my fucking Monday. Wednesday. Or Thursday, I go to Minneapolis. Well, you motherfucklers up there close to that mall of America. I can't believe they hide me at a fucking mall of America.

Them someone will be walking around there. I heard they got police dogs. Oh, yeah. They had a whole show that talked about how bad TV is. About a year ago, they had a whole reality show about the police force in Mall of America. And it's fucking stupid because they're running around. You can't wear hoodies there. And it's like, it's the...

I need this fucking shit. You have to bring the camera. You know, I used to go to Minnesota all the time. I used to hang out of Mankato where the fucking Vikings practice, when they do this spring training or whatever the fuck it is. when I first moved to Colorado and he threw out a bunch of friends from Mancato who were fucking crazy

these guys were all dead doubles they jumped off all this shit that these people do now with the bicycles they jump off you know Johnny Knoxville and his buddies there these motherfuckers are doing that one night one of the guys got cheated on by the girlfriend and I seen him he was this lanky skinny motherfucker

I loved him in Colorado he drove a bus for the white water rafting people and I said what are you going to do because I'm going to fuck the guy I go dog be careful up here this motherfucker hit under the car hit under a car and waited for her and the boyfriend the guy she was dating the come are you serious he fucking grabbed the guy by the ankle bit that motherfucker came it's classic

stories up there man cato people i love you i don't know if you remember me anymore there was like 19 of them we were all friends until i ended up all in one one like 40 thousand for blow i kept front and front and he's fucking one day i said but it was funny because when i fucking uh came back uh aspen to visit years ago i bumped into him Are you sure he's the guy going $40,000? I left Aspen in 87 on like $60,000, $40,000 just to him. And I go back like in 95. Uh-huh.

And that's the first motherfucker I bump into the guy who was the 40,000. And let's be talking about karma. And he didn't say nothing to him. Oh, of course. It's like, where you've been? He didn't even say he fucking knew. He was never going to see that fucking paper again. So it really didn't matter.

Oh, shit. I got Felicia motherfucking Michael's in the house and shit. Came over. She brought some oatmeal, I hope. I'm fucking starving. I got fruit. Fruit that's even better. I ate a bunch of fruit last night.

Let me tell you something. I'm about to take it. If you smell a fart, it's not even a fart. It's because I shit in my fucking pants. Because at night I like to eat a lot of fruit. You know, I like to eat a bunch of fruit before I go to bed. Yeah, that's right.

So last night I ate like a fucking whole cantaloupe farm. I fucking swear to God, I ate a whole cantalpe farm. I even found like a Mexican hand in the fucking batch. I ate that, too. I mean, it was fucking amazing. But now I got to go to the bathroom. You came too early. Usually I don't take the dump of the morning until about 10 after 8 or my wife is getting ready to leave.

I got to call the time out and go dog, I got to go to the fucking bathroom. Yeah. And here it is. The one thing I did want to talk about today because, you know, it's always fucking bothered me. And I never really talked about it. It bothered me that much. And I don't even talk about it. That's it.

We're going on. What is? Is it 11th anniversary or 12th and 9-11 tomorrow? Is it really? Holy shit. I didn't even think about it. Yeah. It's 11 years.

11 fucking years, you know? And last night they did have a thing. on Discovery or Dot NIT, GEO, one of those fucking channels And that's how important it is, no one even watches it, it's not yet talking. About voices from the sky of 9-11, the people who were calling in

and saying, it's over, these fucking A-Rabs took over the fucking plane, what are we going to do? They had, I don't know what the fuck's going on. I listened to that for about six minutes, and I don't know any of the people were having conversations, it didn't matter. I started crying, just fucking sitting there like a mom.

I don't like that. Whenever there's something about dead people on the news, I can't do it, man. It's weird. And I sat there, and I was thinking about all these fucking people that just went down. There was like three shows. They'd been playing them all fucking weekend.

There was some guy hitting Eddie on Twitter. They didn't talk about Tower, too. They're not going to talk about fucking nothing. They're not going to tell you the truth, you stupid fuck. Why am I watching? Get the fuck up. He was sitting there all fucking day on a Sunday watching 9-11 bullshit, getting tormented with this shit.

Instead, put on a fucking football game. But he kept tweeting. They're lying. They're not talking. gives a fuck they're not going to tell you the fucking truth that's why they're not fucking geocococucker what the fuck is wrong with people they sit in front of the tv and they want they think they're going to tell them what they want to hear even if they think it's a lie i get the same way sometimes so i'm sitting there and listening to this show you know there was there was uh on the earlier

show they were talking about uh this lady who her husband called her from the plane and he had two little girls a four-month-old girl and blah blah blah blah blah blah and i'm sitting there but it didn't fucking hit me till they were talking to people who were talking to people who were were running away when the tower fell. And they were saying that Chambers and Broadway had become a fucking cloud of smoke. And that's when it got my stomach because chambers and Broadway, how many fucking times I walked down there? I think it was chambers, whatever the fucking street they were saying.

How many times I walked around on there? I mean, when I first, I remember the morning when it happened, I was sleeping. And my wife, you know, Ms. Worry wrote from Tennessee, it's like, oh, my God, oh my God. I swear to fucking God, the Giants had lost the day earlier. Uh-huh. It was that, and it was the week of Barry Bonds who's going to chase the home run title. Uh-huh. And I kept hearing Paul Mooney in my head going, they're going to do something in that Negro.

He ain't going to get the home run. They're going to do some to that Negro. They're going to do something. And I'll never forget when they said the World Trade Center got fucking bombed. I thought about two things. I either thought about somebody in New York got pissed about the Giants losing. Or, I mean, this is, you know, I don't know. I didn't know.

Like, that's where your mind first went. This is where my mind went. Or fucking, look at it. Paul Mooney was right. They did bomb the building, so Barry Bond, because Paul Mooney is a comedian. I always talks about, you know, black people and shit. They did.

I mean, I swear to God, this is what I thought. I go, they did bomb the fucking thing. That's why they're not going to give them the record, how funny it is. And then, you know, it wasn't even funny. I heard what happened in the plane and the second plane. And for a guy like me, I felt cheated. I'll tell you why. Because when I came from Cuba, that's why I went to New York City.

You know, one thing about me, dog, I don't know much about Brooklyn or Long Island or Siasa. I've been up there to get drugs. That's all I know about the five barrels. I want to Staten Island and get drugs and pizza. I've been to Brooklyn to get drugs and pizza. I've been to the Bronx because my parents had a dry clean up there. I went later on to get drugs and pizza. Long Island Island, I went up there to see concerts.

But Manhattan, as far as Manhattan's concerned, I know like the back of my fucking hand. From 178 all the way down the 4th Street where the Boston Comedy Club is, you know, McSawley's Aal House. You know, from fucking, that was what people understand. Where I grew up in Hudson County, Jersey, New York City was my motherfucking playground. Yeah. It was my playground. I went to New York to fucking play it.

If I played hookie, New York. If I want to get a fake ID, New York. If I want to go to a fucking, what do you call a peep show where you fucking look at people having sex in the circle, you can go into New York. So it was my own private fucking, uh, it was my own private playground. I know every avenue. I knew every nook and fucking cranny. When I left New York in 85, I knew every. fucking nook and cranny.

And even more important than that, you grew up in North Bergen, but when you came from Cuba, you were living in Manhattan. And Manhattan, you know, that fucking view in New York, I mean, I have a buddy, Mike Askley's, he was in the 31st floor of that circle building on the Jersey side that you always see. And he said he was having coffee and breakfast.

Yeah, it was like 9 a.m. And he goes, Doug, that plane was fucking flying low. Oh, he saw the plane? Yeah, he saw the whole fucking thing. He was in his chair, in backyard, watching the news. And all of a sudden he said to himself that plane was fucking flying low. But that shit doesn't matter. It's just the pain, like it causes me, the anxiety, because I don't think about it.

It's like when a girlfriend cheats on you and you're out having a great time or something bad happens, you don't think about it. You know, that's how bad it is for me. Like, I don't think about it. That's my fucking city, man. You know, and I always said that, listen, let's be honest. I'm not one of those fucking New Yorkers at Sisi. Oh, there's no good fucking food or pizza. I don't give a fuck.

I've been out of New York so long. I'm way beyond that level. But let's be honest with each other. When fucking New York sneezes, everybody catches a cold. That's where it all goes fucking down. That's why when it hit there, I mean, they knew exactly they fucking hit there. They fucking hit there. They didn't give a fuck.

They went there and they knew exactly what the hell they were doing. So it just bothers me. It bothers me to no fucking end. I just don't digest it. I don't want to fucking digest it. I was in the city when they first, I was walking around when they first fucking blew up. the uh in 94 in the 94 i was 10 blocks away i was on a pager my page it wouldn't work it was friday my buddies are trying to beat me to get them blow because that's what i would do i would get

them blowing the city when i come over the bridge i'd charge a meat like an extra 20 bucks they're all peeped me you couldn't get the fucking pages and those guys had the little office out of jersey city but the weirdest thing i heard about 9-11 that really listen guys there's always gonna be a fucking theory and there's always going to be a conspiracy and some of us live our life through that some of us don't i live in the middle But this is what I did here about Jersey City. You could catch the thing, you know, not the shuttle, but the ferry from Jersey City over to New Jersey. And from New Jersey over to New York City.

And the fucking funny thing is that there's a hot dog man there. And the hot dog man, they said it gets to 20 below and that motherfucker is always there. And he's from one of the nation. I don't know. I don't know how to break all that stuff down. So I am, say, racially insensitive. So work with me. from one of the countries over there. He was selling hot dogs,

grilling shit out there. And every fucking day, come rain, sleet, snow, the guy was out there. The day they blew up the towers, he wasn't out there. So the word on the street said that all those, there's a big Arab community in Jersey City. And in fact, the FBI found the copies. Supposedly they had made copies and passed them around that area. To not go in? To not go into the city.

I don't know if this is true or not. He always here. but I heard it from a reliable source. My friend works for public service, and he's there every day. He's worked for him for dirty fucking years of my friend's father. Yeah. And this is what he had seen, that fucked with him,

that they never reported that stuff. And he goes, I still remember the people coming over from the fucking shuttle, and they were walking off off the ferry, and people were, you know, hitting them with water or the chemicals to take that dust off. Oh, Jesus.

I couldn't forget how fucking sad it was. You know, what time is it? because Devin should be calling today. Yeah, in 10 minutes. Devin is my old fucking girlfriend that I moved to Seattle with, and I always tell stories on the road and podcast about her. You know, say what you want to say, man. She stripped three years.

She still dances. I mean, she's crazy. She's got two kids. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. Because, you know, I was making money in Seattle, but not the money to fucking move here and finance a trip or even finance me. I was making barely 800 a month in Seattle. I was a fucking comedian.

And she fucking financed the rest. So we did have problems here and there and the relationship, but I can never forget what she did. I'm not that type of one. When somebody takes care of me, I remember them for fucking ever. Let's see what we got. I'm the prescription barrel today, bitches. Let's see what we got.

Oh, that chocolate yesterday was insane. I went to the fucking Y. Did you just hear what my shirt and my wife said? Oh, yeah. That the shirt was still wet from yesterday. When you go to the Y on a fucking, I tell you, I don't fuck around, guys. When I go to the Y on an edible, I fucking work it out. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the bike, dirty on the bag, and then I ran for fucking.

I did the Doche. If you guys really want to get your life together, and you really want to change your nutrition, you're sick and tired of being a fat fuck. I mean, I'll always be a fat fuck. It's in my fucking jeans, you know what I'm saying? But if you're sick and tired of being a fat fuck, go get the two Doce books, read through them. Listen, I'm not going to lie to you guys think I'm here fucking. making that stuff all the time I'm not.

He's got a lot of kale, a lot of green stuff in there. He's got a breakfast bowl that you might like. He's got a lot of stuff. Me, I'm a picky little fucking cunt when it comes to food. Superbad's in the motherfucking house. You see Superbad? He heard the little fucking things. You see him?

He's no fucking good. You know what? I don't even have his treats today. I don't know what the hell happened to him. Terry? Yeah, he could come in. He's the man of fucking steel. He could do what the hell he wants.

But here's what we got today. We got. Are you ready for this motherfuckers? Peanut Brits. Oh, shit. Okay? This is peanut brittle. That fucks your world up.

I got to work out this morning about 11. This is what I, when I go to yoga, I eat one of these. And they also gave me, da, da, da, da, da, the new eureka vapor. This is master motherfucking Cush, Indica. People always say, me, Joey, what the fuck are you smoking the daytime? It's called the Eureka vapor. I'm trying to save my lungs a little bit. That bone I smoke for the days for you guys, for optical illusion.

The rest of the day, I won't smoke, if I'll smoke the vapor. I'll smoke the vapor. You press this motherfucker like this. One, two, three, four, five. The light blinks like a fucking Batman signal. You pop it again. And there you go. Living like Bob Marley before the fucking bad head do.

All right. Ha ha ha ha. You cock suckers. Felicia, who you texting already at 7 the fucking morning? Who you tormenting? Instagram, man. I'm fucking believable. Unfucking believable.

This is a stick of or is this? This is sticking. I don't know what happened yesterday. Yes. Yesterday I got excited yesterday. You know, we played some music. People have been bugging me all fucking day. Where's yesterday's podcast?

I don't know. Lee put it up on iTunes. Go to iTunes, by the way, from the bottom of my fucking heart. I mean this directly. When I started this, when we started the podcast with Felicia, we never knew. We never fucking knew, and that's my witness. We just show up every fucking week, do a podcast, and you motherfuckers do what you do. So thank you.

Thank you for giving us to love. Thank you for putting us on the fucking charts. Lee Syatt, the flying fucking Jew, came in here talking about knowing. He loves fucking New England Patriots I mean He doesn't

He doesn't A fucking die He don't Better die I'm He just sits there Like a soldier If they lose

He knows the moves The quarterback I know nothing I look at the line I see who they're gonna play Next week And I see what the fucking weather is up

And that's it Honey Yeah Get Terry's one Whatever she is I don't even know what she is Can you get some Catnip for me money

So yeah They stick them Took down Yesterday's video Unfortunately So I don't know If someone complained

Or if there's just Some guy watching it, but they took it down, but it's up on iTunes uncensored, and we're number five on iTunes still, which is unbelievable. We're fucking blown away. All we're doing here is two little chubby fucks talking about

fucking, whatever. So if you people want to make us number five. And here's the fucked up thing. Thank you, my love. Here's the fucked up thing. I call these cock suckers on these green buds, petting it, buts. They fucking discontinued it. The farmer had a heart attack or some shit, so there's no more buds. Try to call Amazon,

open that door for me, and get the get the open that door for me go and get the what was left what's that I didn't know if you wanted Yeah get them in here

I want them to see the fucking catnip buds It's Monday Harry Come here talk sucker Come here Fidel Come here Fidel Say hello Look at a little Fidelito

Fidel's like What the fuck is going on I love my cats guys And you got to give them these Things because when you give them The cat nips Look at these buds These are like

fucking refa was. Look them. They show up like a motherfucker. Look at Gray show up. Fidelito showed up. And you give them some catnips. And I'll tell you what, I don't know what's in here. Supposedly girls don't react to catnip as much as boys react to catnip because it's the same chemical that's in a fucking in their piss. Really? In the girls' piss. That's why they lose their

fucking mind. I don't smell no piss. I just smell like a reefer. Because it smells like, listen, man, if I leave this here one night and I have a couple cocktails, I don't know why. But if I leave this on the fucking table here I'm gonna I'll smoke this by mistake I'm surprised you already have it Come here, Fidel, come here

Come here, Greg, Grey, Grette. Come here, Greg, Greg. See, they don't fucking like to fuck these fucking cats. I try to do shit for them and then these motherfuckers don't show up. You try to be a fucking nice guy. But that's it with 9-11. I didn't want to depress people.

It's fucking Monday, cock-suckers. Get your shit together, as we call it. Namaste, cock-suckers. Let's do this. Let's get some. The peanut brittle of us, and that's it. I'm waiting for this dirty, fucking filthy animal to call. She's calling it.

No, it'll be in three minutes. It's not even 6.30. She's a fucking, you know, she's on fucking Florida time. I guess she's living in Florida. It's hot down there. Humidity makes it go to your fucking brain. You know, I'm Cuban. Everybody always says to me, how was it growing up in Miami?

Look at this thing. The peanut brittle is green. Did you see that? It's fucking green. It's like, what do you call that shit? What's that fucking? stuff that when people it's like what Linda Blair puked in the exorcist that's what it looks like

now is that what are you supposed to cut that that in half because most most people you eat like what three people are supposed to eat yeah it's a breakfast it's it's a diet approved it's like how many calories are in the animals that's like three that's what weight watches will be having in five years of the points

thank you for bringing that up weight watches if you're listening get the point system on your edible cop-cropper I got a book they give you a book and tell you all the points and shit. Let me tell you something, man. Way watch is a pretty slick operation. They bang you out every month, but I'll tell you, if you really want to lose the way, go down. They have, like, this point system. I used to cheat, too, because I use fruit.

They used to say, nah, if you eat fruit, you got to count the points, go fuck yourself. You got to piss it out in fucking ten minutes. How's it going to be pointing there? And now, they don't charge you for points. So I was ahead of my time, because I did the fucking program when they were charged you two, three fucking points for fruit, apples, and ship. How can they charge point? That doesn't make sense because when you're trying to want to lose weight you want to lose weight because you haven't been eating fruit. If they're going to start charging points for fruit,

they should be like eat as much fruit and vegetables as you want. I guess fruit turns into sugar. Okay. So, but still, it's like if you're walking around, if you're shitting, if you're moving, if you're sweating, that thing should go right through. It's better than having a candy bar. Well, that's my option. You know, sometimes you get in the kitchen one night

and it's an oatmeal fucking bar with cream it or you can have two apples. Yeah. You know, the motto if you're not hungry for a fucking apple, then bitch, you ain't fucking hungry. You follow him saying? And it's true, but I actually, I saw this last night and none of you brought it up.

Oreo is releasing candy corn Oreos, which is like the most disgusting, even as a fat guy. I'm like, that's disgusting. Listen, bro, Oreo. Look, I got fat later on in my fucking life after like 30, but the fat gene was in me because I'll have to fucking eat. So I knew eventually I was going to start looking like a mechalob bottle.

I always fucking knew. that. They took the fat out of everything, people. Nothing tastes the same. Nothing tastes the same when you were kids. You see something on the fucking shelf. You get excited. You go fucking get it. And you bring it home, you dip of the milk, and it's not the fucking same. They took the fat out of the fucking Oreo. They took the fat out of fucking chips to Hoy. They took the fat out of everything. They even took the fat out of the little cracker. They give you a church. Everything tastes like dick now. Now they're trying to fucking charge you in New York. I've been seeing this for a year. I don't know legislator. I don't know. I don't know.

rules, but everybody wants to charge more for sodas. Yeah, they want to put a soda tax. I paid $100 a gram of Coke. You know what I'm saying? How is an extra 50 cents going to stop a fat fucking drinking soda? It's the same thing. We paid in the 80s $100 for a

fucking gram of blow. Nothing to tear nobody from doing blow. People lost their wives, their lives, they lost everything. You think putting a tax of 50 cents is going to stop fat fucks from drinking soda? They're putting tax on it and they're limiting the size to like 16 ounces, which is idiotic. So what are we going to do?

By four of them. By four of them. Or you could just keep what, what, 7-11 on every fucking corner? Yeah. So you could just walk the four-send. It's the dumbest thing the fucking shit we fucking focus on. Give these kids a lap band and a fucking bomb. That's what you do.

You stick a bomb to a fucking lap band. No more fucking going over a certain range. You eat two or three more fucking donuts. You don't even, the lap man don't blow up. You fucking blow up like a terrorist. Bam, fuck it. That's it. Put a fucking stick a grenade on a latman

and see how many motherfuck up. fuckers will start being skinny. Because the thing about a diet is, listen, I'm a fat fuck. Plus I get high. I love to fucking eat. You know what, man? We do what we do. But we know how to lose the weight. We know what we need to do. People walk around this country like, I can't lose the way. You know what you fucking need to do. A, you need to push yourself away from the table, you fucking filthy fucking animal. I'm the fat fuck, so don't come to me with no fucking story. That's number two. And number two, you got to fucking move around a little bit. But for months, When I first started losing weight, I ate what the fuck I wanted,

and I thought because I would box and run and get chased by fucking cops that I could eat what you ate, that the diet is so fucking important. Like right now, I hate drinking soda pop. Like, not that it's not diet. Like, I'll drink a diet soda if I'm in a rush or Felicia's with her. Felicia, looking good till you got your little fucking heavy metal outfit on. Felicia got a stabbing this weekend. Look at it.

She's looking like she's going to a... We got your call coming in. She's looking like she's going to a white snake concert. What's this? story beautiful hey joey cocoa hey you sexy fucking animal what's happening you call the kids up oh there i'm so excited and i can go and you drop the kids in school

yeah yeah i was i was raining in florida lately i was so scared that they were gonna call and say we're taking the day off again i was gonna lose my mind oh you had the days off because of the hurricane and shit was got it oh i didn't know that Her account. There was like nothing. There was absolutely, we didn't get that much at all, and they let my kids out of school.

I'm not going to deal with all that. Devin, the reason. They're going to go rock it with my girlfriend, get some sun. You're going to put some fucking color in that little monkey. I'm happy you fucking called Dev because I've been doing these podcasts for two years, and I always tell fucking funny stories about you. And I was telling them that we were together for a while, and I, but I loved him, We had a lot of problems, but if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here.

So that's why we're still friends, and that's why I still thank you, and I love you at all my heart. You know, we've always kept in touch with each other, but I've been telling them crazy fucking stories. I always tell them the sexy fucking stories. But the story I told them that they like is when we went to that fucking thing in Seattle, that little, like, river. And you had a bikini on, and we were fighting about something. And I took the wine cooler, and I started rubbing your little fucking monkey with it. And then I started putting it in your fucking monkey, and all of a sudden, you're, little period was there so he shot backwards in the bottle and I fainted tell these motherfuckers

I'm like oh god it's hot oh shit he just passed out he didn't fall on the river I was sorry guys exactly wrote down in hell you were out I've never seen anything like that I fucking past him oh my god You know. You just kind of like your little and you fell and we went to the other part that time, Gasworks,

where Pearl Jam used to play. Remember we used to go to Gasworks and have barbecue and went in the water and I cut something and I fainted there too one time. I was a regular fucking faint machine. Yes, you are.

I always tell these motherfuckers about our sexy fucking escapades and when I used to smack you in the ass and choke you and smack you in the face and you love it and shit I remember one new year's I smacked you so many times in the head you had two black eyes and shit we were fucking we got so excited those are the good old days he's cracked so hard the face my ribs were bruised oh fuck yeah but anyway you're the sexiest freakiest guy I've ever been with and I'm you know you're freaky guys

but yeah you were definitely you take the cake oh please you know I love to eat that I don't remember it fondly. You remember what? I said, I remember it fondly. I looked like I was finding a guy. It's freaky as you. Oh, please. I used to eat ass and I get the fucking cum-cum juice out of your monkey.

I don't fuck around, dog. I love all that shit, but that's when I was a young man. Now I can't do that shit no more. If I go to eat your ass, I'll throw my fucking back out. Hey, I want. I don't know if you had been in my ass anymore anyway. You don't know what? It's been so long.

If I could, what? I don't know if it's been my ass anyway. Anyways, since a lot. If I can do what to you like? Sit in my ass. Oh, you're talking about my bowel, as you would call. Oh, you filthy bits. Don't make me come on your neck, you know what I'm saying?

Hey, let me ask you something. A couple weeks ago you called me because you still dance from time to time, correct? Mm-hmm. And you were telling me that you told me possibly one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. And usually when you used to call me and tell me something. funny the first and only person I would tell was Josh Wolk because he was the only one that understood you but a couple weeks ago you were telling me that you had arthritis in your wrist why do you have arthritis in your wrist yeah that's okay I think I got my wrist and

my right hand because the club I work in Tampa is very risque and you end up pretty much given hand-downs and I was like you know thank God I still have my kids because my hand is like getting PMJ or whatever it is and aren't right it's in my hand. I still could get a kit job, thank God. You're giving too many fucking hand jobs. You've got to go on steroids. You got to be like one of those exotic dances.

You got to press positive for steroids, and that shit won't have you. You won't get hurt if they come on your tits will bounce off and hit them in the face. You know what I'm saying? That's right. Oh, my God. Yeah.

No, it's tough. I was thinking we were going to get some Republican and National Convention people, some R&C people, this past week. They didn't come in those filthy animals? Donkeys. No.

I said we got the donkeys. So they didn't come in to see you, the Republicans? Yeah, Republicans were, the Florida contingency was right by our club in, in us, and at the golf resort there in a holiday. So I think some guys came in, but they were packed away low. They weren't telling us that they were. They were throwing some money around. I never seen it before, and they said they were saying it in a sports.

Like, yeah, put two and two together, but they didn't want to call it, no. They were trying to get naughty. They were trying to get me to come back to their hotel. And I'm like, what are we going to do, you know? Did you talk about the arthritis? Did you talk about the arthritis? You could only give hand jobs with left hands? I have left handed.

I have to be ambidextrous, five dexter now. You got to learn how to give hand jobs with your feet. I had a buddy in high school I loved when women used to give them a hand job with their feet So you have to learn how to use your feet And give a hand job I think you stuck a toe up my ass one time

So you're in the game You know it's cracking Yep This guy went to me wear silk stocking And wrap my feet around his cock And I did I was it I thought wow

I'm pretty good at that I guess But I'm better it more often Let me tell you something You're a sexy motherfucker You were good at all that stuff You should write a book for years I couldn't find another woman like you

What? The tails The tails from a stripper Or something The tails Whatever I forget the title Nah the name of your book

Is tales Of a fucking filthy fucking monkey That's the name of your book Tales of a fucking filthy Savage animal You're still your pussy's got like one tooth left still I know Tales of a naughty filthy fucking

savage in Florida. I love you, Dev, with all my fucking heart, and I'm happy you called in today. You know, I don't, I have my fucking, I don't have everybody calling. I have my dear friends calling on this. I've only done five or four shows, and I've only had my friends from Jersey, and I think the world

of you. And even though I used to I put a bottle in your monkey, and I found a little fucking aluminum fall in your asshole, I still love you, cuck, sucker. All right, baby. I love you, too. All right, have a great week, and stay beautiful, and stay black. All right. Bye, All right

That's the last of the real deal guys that woman is 40-something years old. She's still strips She's got two kids and she don't take shit from nobody She gets like you don't tell that bitch just got her master's degree are you serious? Got a master's degree about she married from Hindu that was about 80 years old and she sucked his death out He died and left like three million dollars. Oh shit? Way before like 2002 Okay And

She remarried another guy And he ran over a cop On a coke bench Knocked over a cop in Miami I'm not wanting to you guys He told Jesus Christ Cop was the military going

Stop stop Boo And he fucking Left the country to Greece He left the country to Greece He left of some money Wow He took that

And she bought a bunch of gems Those curbs Whatever those fucking pins on Yeah, people are like stripping has a A negative connotation in this country But like it's been Felicia That's just the smartest women They know they know how to run their life

Because you're a young woman And you're confusing, you're a dumb fuck You need some fucking direction Go strip for a year I mean you'll have to suck some dick And do some dance and you learn You learn about human nature You know you really do

So she's so I sold the gyms before they hit rock bottle. That curves is out of business, I guess. Of course. Made money on that. She owns like eight rental properties in Florida and Michigan. And she's single. And she does whatever the fuck she wants.

Yeah, she just says you're dropping her kids off at school and she's going to go to the beach. You know what? 20 years ago, everybody would have called her a whore or whatever. She does what she does for her kids. Me and her and her ups and downs. Last time I seen her, one of the ones, one of the ones that's, times when we broke up, we were on Sunset and Gardner. She had mace in her hand, and I had a steak that I had just bought a pork loin, and I was going to hit her with the porkland.

We were on sunset. Sunset Boulevard, which is like the busiest street in Hollywood. On a fucking Sunday. We were on sunset and Gardner. We were in the car, and she had mace, and I was going to hit her out when I fucking kill you. And right that caught myself and I go, it's over. We can't date no more. We can't be.

We're together. This happened all the time. We're together for five years. This happened all the time. We get into fucking brawouts. Yeah. She got down. She grew up with nine brothers.

So she didn't give a fuck. You were going to hit it with a steak. I was going to hit it with the fucking steak on the fucking head. You know me? I don't give a fuck. Did you take it out of the packaging? No, no, no, no. It was still her route.

You know, if anybody knows LA, Gardner is just three blocks from rounds. We had just come from shopping. Mm-hmm. And we got into an, argument in the car about something. We only went three blocks. And she's like, fuck you, fuck you, motherfucker. One time we got into a fight, she ripped up my check.

In Seattle, she ripped up a check. I grabbed the butter fucking hair in the car, and I pulled so hard. You know, like she was driving. First off, I wasn't allowed to hang out with it. We had restraining orders against each other. I'm in the back seat driving around, like fucking that kid and, you know,

like somebody's looking for me. I'm in the backseat, like I got a warrant, and she's driving. I go over, I give her a check, and she goes, this is my. I'm in the backseat. I go, check, motherfucker. You owe me from something a month, or I go, I need that fucking money. She's like, you're not getting it. In fact, I'm dropping you off. I didn't know what to do.

I just tugged the head because she would always pull my fucking hair. I go, really? We pulls her in here, you motherfucker, I need that check. And she's like, ow! Right? So she turned around, started smacking me. While she's driving. While she drowned, we pull over. Some fucking lady sees this and call the cops.

Now, I got to go on a fucking tear. I got to go hide. I'm running through the streets of Seattle. This happened at two in the afternoon. Josh Wolf was in my room at the time. He was leaving that day. Holy shit. He was leaving for L.A. that day. Okay. I was going to meet him two or three weeks later. So that afternoon,

we get into this fucking argument in the fucking car. I pulled ahead. Some lady's season calls the cops. The cops are looking for me all over fucking Seattle. I'd decide to hide in a garbage dumpster by the Tropicana or something restaurant, something of the tornado or something.

It was downtown. There was a movie theater. I had seen Pulp Fiction there. So I'm sitting in this fucking garbage thing for two hours, and I'm like, who am I going to call? There was this big, big black guy. His name was Rico with a spider on his face, who was good friends with Mitch Hedberg. He had a spider fucking tattoo on his face, like with a out of his own beard. Not even a tattoo. Like the guy he went to will put a spider on his face out of a beard.

And he always told me he was a gangster. He was a gangster. He was a gangster. So I go into this fucking restaurant. I call fucking Rico and I go Rico I had a problem with Devin come get me he's driving around I go I'm hiding in a fucking dumpster with flies dog shit I mean I'm in a dumpster I'm in a dumpster now why do you hide in a dumpster me oh I'm gonna sit in fucking plain sight and wait for the cops to come get me no but you called

the cops but they didn't know who you were it doesn't matter they knew who the fuck I was they had a description he's got a blue shirt on you always got a hide so I couldn't sit in the restaurant because they were gone from restaurant I mean holy Seattle police got nothing to fucking do okay Seattle police Seattle has a fucking thing. If you get arrested, you got 72 hours until they can press fucking charges. So they could rest you on a Friday.

You got to sit there until Monday. He wanted to drop charges. Seattle's a fucking communist fucking state. People always say to me, when are he coming back to Seattle? Never. That's why I got fucking warrants up there. I can't go to Portland. I can't go to Idaho.

Some guy asked me yesterday, when are you going to do a concert in Montana? Does Billings have a fucking airport yet? Because I used to do comedy. You know, being from Colorado, that's what you do. You do comedy and fucking Riverton, Wyoming.

That's how you start. You know, you don't go with you. You're performing Denver. Fuck, no. They make you go to Wyoming and fucking some fucking cowboy's house and do comedy. So anyways, you're in the dumpster. I'm in the fucking dumpster, okay? And the next thing you know, I call fucking Rico, and I go, Rico, come get me.

And he goes, where are you? I go, I'm in this fucking restaurant. Go outside, you know, give me 20 minutes. That's synchronized. Because once I pop out of the dumpster, I got to go. I got to run right to the fucking. car. Do you know, I synchronize, I pop out of the dumpster,

and he's two blocks away. He's 6'5.350 pounds, and he's waving at the street. And I see the cops by him because they know. So I look at him, I go, fuck this. I go back in the dumpster. Now I got to sit there until it gets dark. Oh, my God. I got a

comedy show at the Comedy Underground in Seattle. I'm waiting in this fucking dumpster for it to get dark. Finally the darkness comes. It's 8 o'clock. I got no change to make the phone call. I got like a 20 and a 10 in my pocket. Uh-huh.

I get out of the dumpster. I scrape myself off. I take the lettuce off. You know what I'm ready to go? I go into the restaurant. I ask to wash my hands. I walk up the fucking corner, and there's a movie theater there.

The first movie theater, me and Devin went to see Pulp Fiction in 1995. Oh, shit. I see the movie theater, so I know where I am. The fucking cops were hiding behind the bushes at the fucking movie theater. You have no idea. They were waiting for?

Oh, my God. They were all over. the place still waiting for me. They arrested me. They put me in the and they dropped the fucking charges. Holy shit. I sat there, told me, how many times I got arrested in Seattle? That's why people were saying, when do you come to Seattle? Never, bitch. Never. That fucking Brementon,

and Bremeneton, Washington is the lowest point in the United States. That's why they have all the submarines there. Oh, man. So that's why when the submarine leaves Brementon, it goes right into the fucking bottom of the ocean. They see Jaku Stowe. They see fucking Jimmy Hoff. They see the museum of debt down there. But that metaphysical,

that water and shit, fucked me up. I kept getting arrested. Another time, me and her got into a fucking argument in front of her building. Okay. Okay, we got into fucking 22 arguments. She used to tell the neighbors, if we got into an argument, call the police because he's kind of scary. We would just be yelling at each other, and the cops would come.

One time we got into an argument, I threw a computer. She had an old computer off the second floor. I threw the old computer off the second floor, because she had broken something of mind. The fucking cops come. I got to run and hide. I ran into a pool and jumped into the pool and

hit like James Bond. Cops were everywhere on the feet. Yes, they did. Yes, they did. Cops were everywhere on the fucking beach going back and forth. And I would pop out of the pool like this. Blow and go right back into the fucking pool. That time they didn't find me.

But the best. It's probably didn't have a straw. Oh, I didn't have a fucking straw. I was on the move. Her and I, this was what? This was Amour Fool. This was one of those love affairs that you always. I put sugar in her gas tank.

Did you know that? I put sugar in her fucking gas tank. That's how much we were at war. This was a relationship that went on for 18 months that was rotten. We're friends today out of some fucking something. She lit my clothes on fire, so I fucking put sugar in that gas tank. She was driving her little fucking Jeep, and that motherfucker started going to do-do, tut-da-da-da-da-tid-tid.

I put sugar in it, and then I put saran wrap in it. Because saram-rap is the double-check. When you put saran wrap in somebody's gas tank, what happens to them? This is why a lot of this is gangster shit. This is why I learned in Colorado when you want to shoot somebody. This is how you make that car turn off. You don't do this. or that you take saran wrap you roll in a fucking ball you put in the gas tank when the engine gets

hot the saram wrap expands and it covers the gas where the gas goes into the car so your motherfucking car store so every time your car gets hot like when i mean hot every time you're in the car for 10 minutes oh man the saran wrap expands and it goes around the fuel injector at that time this is what the gangsters taught me in colorado the hunters this is how they shot people this is how crazy they were you never shoot out of tie none of that shit you wanted to look at the time you want it to look like it, they'll never figure it out. And they'll never find that. Even if you take the car

to any of the mechanics where you go to don't never figure it out, they have to take the gas tank out, drain the gas tank, and there will be the little fucking container of Ceram rat. So for you motherfuckers that don't know, now you know, the church of what's happening now, dropping fucking knowledge on you.

Somebody fucks it you. You know how to get him on top of the hill, fucking canoe from Charles Bronson style. The mechanic. Fuck that Jason Stram and his bullshit fucking movie. That movie was on the other night. The mechanic wasn't about explosives. It was about killing people a different way. That's why when they, I knew they were going to do that.

I knew they were going to take that movie and turn into explosive. No, the mechanic was beautiful because he was 51 years old. He can't go hand-to-hand combat with you. He's not into that, so he would kill you in a different way. Like if he would look at your records, if you had a heart problem, he would wait and shoot at you. So the bullet would hit your leg and you had to run. Something to make you run.

That's what his plan was in the mechanic. Not to blow fucking white people up with bombs That's not the fucking thing If any idiot could do that Any idiot could do that So But the best one ever Was her and I

Were not allowed to see each other And I took a hit of ecstasy At Josh Wolves' house Josh Wolfe had one hit of ecstasy left And he goes, it's Monday morning Look I got this left I go, what are you going to do it? He goes nothing I go give me that fucking thing

The same way you see me eat the fucking peanut brille A701 I inhaled that fucking hit of ecstasy Right I forget about it. I go meet a bunch of comedians down at Swanies. Jesus Christ. That's how I roll, right?

I go down the Swannies, the bar at the time on top of the comedy underground. Okay. And we're hanging out there at 2 o'clock. She pages me. And she's like, what are you doing? Come over and eat my ass, put a stick of dynamite in my ass or whatever. I'm like, all right, I fucking go over there. I'm there three fucking minutes.

We're in the, we're in the thing, swapping, all so on here. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Because the neighbor called the cops in the she's police. So I got no shirt on. I'm about to get into my sexy mode. You know what I'm? I got my shirt off like Inglebird hump a dink before he makes the move. The cops come in, I go under the bed.

But my gut is kind of big at the time. So every time I breathe, the whole bed goes up and down, the whole mattress. They're over there laughing their asses off. I mean, I would try that hide in the hamper. I'm a great hider. When the cops show up, I either jump out the back window so that I get out of the car. I had forgotten I took the ecstasy. Okay.

So I took the ecstasy like it, oh, maybe nine in the morning or something. At 12 or 1 o'clock, it's hitting me. but it's hitting me. They took me out of her apartment with no shirt on and put those rubber things around my hands. Okay. So here I am outside of Seattle. They're talking to Devin,

and I'm on the side, handcuffed with that rubber shit with no shirt on like a fucking Yahoo at a concert. I'm just looking around the fucking place. They put me in the police car. I get to the fucking Seattle. I get into the cell, and that's when the ecstasy starts kicking. But there's no music.

You know what I'm saying? There's no music in the cell and the holding tank. I'm fucking in there. I'm starting. the sweat. I want to be chatty with the other fucking criminals. They don't want to chat with me. Finally, they call me over to go to fingerprint. Yeah. And as I'm fingerprinting, bro, I'm talking to the motherfucker. I'm giggling. I'm touching his back. He's like, gosh. That fucking ecstasy hit me till. God knows, midnight or something like that.

Holy shit. I went, I'm one of the only idiots ever that has gone to county jail and I hit a fucking ecstasy. And you were hiding under a bed in the bed. And I was hiding under the bed and the bed was going up and fucking down. In between the stuff, is this like the kind of relationship where you'd have these blowouts, but then in between you'd be having sex, and it'd be great in between these things. Yes, yes. But every couple months, you'd hit her with a stick. Every week, I'd hear it with something.

Every week there was drama in that fucking, because she was crazy. Yeah. She's fucking crazy. And you're crazy, and that's what happens. That's what happens when you had two motherfuckers that are crazy. It's Monday! Lee fucking Syatt, Felicia Michaels, taking pictures. Felicia Michael should have been born a Jap.

You know that? I never seen nobody who takes more fucking pictures. I guarantee you take pictures when you're sucking dick. But one hand you. Taking pictures, the guy's stomach. Ooh, this would look nice by the fucking coffee table. Un fucking believable. Science cock suckers.

It's going to be a great week. Thursday, I'm going to Minneapolis. I'll be at the house of Rick Bronson's house of comedy. Get your fucking tickets now. And next week, me, Duncan Trostle, are going to Madison, Wisconsin, to champs or some shit like that. You live in Madison coming the fuck out. And then Friday, we're going to Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

I got to get a hold of my man up there, the fucking kickboxing coach. So we'll be up there. Brown paper tickets. Testicle testaments are still rolling. You know, I heard it's still fucking kicking ass. I haven't looked lately. I've been spacing it out. You know, Beauty and the Beast is on the fucking charts.

Tomorrow we're supposed to do an acupuncture thing. But she called, we might have to do it at your house. So we'll do the action puncture at your house, which will be perfect. And then we'll go up to the thing and take some fucking pictures. Lee, what do you got going on, Cocksucker? Not much. I want to talk about something, but who do you have calling Wednesday? Isn't someone a good calling Wednesday?

Timmy Marblehead, the driver. When we robbed Michael, when we robbed the jewelry store. September 15th, 1982, he's going to be calling on Wednesday. Because he called for the first episode, but we never really at it, and we didn't know what the fuck we're doing. Yeah.

So that's how it turns the fuck out. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah, I wanted to say, I've been listening, and when you're talking to me, I'm listening, but I'm also trying to pay attention the levels and you've said some nice things and how I've helped out on it and I really appreciate it but I want people to know that you

probably, and it sounds a little bit dramatic but you probably saved my life in a way because when we first started meeting I was working at a job I was at this job for about two years and I was good to have a job but I was depressed and didn't like it and to be honest with you my lease

and my apartment was up last January and if we hadn't been working together I'd be back in Boston working at a crappy TV station so you've said some really nice things to be the past couple days and I wanted to say like if I hadn't been doing this stuff I'd be back in Boston doing crappy TV or something so it's

it's great to be doing this with you I'm glad people like it and it's uh you took the chance and Felicia took a chance I went to Felicia two years ago and I said hey honey we're going to do a podcast and I don't know what the fuck don't you fucking know we're going to do a fucking podcast I remember that conversation a lot differently I thought about it

I'm a fucking scumbag and you're a scumbag and Felicia is a scumbag. Because we convince people to do shit. You know, and we have a good time doing it. You know, I convince Felicia to do being the beast. You know, if she convinces me of doing shit, then you convince me to do this.

So we all saved each other's lives, and that's what it's all about. That's why we're all in the fucking room. You know, we took a chance, man. This doesn't, you know, when you come to L.A., as Felicia knows it, people come up to you, let's pitch your show. oh my god let's pitch it at CBS and you go down there you pitch at Fox or you pitch it

whatever and they tell you no come back with a star you don't need nothing all we needed for this was two turntables in a mic that's it that's fucking it man and we got on then we do it for you know a lot of great things are happening for Felicia she just booked another Nickelodeon I mean she did two stand-up things and she calls me and I can hear the excitement of her voice but to me I know these things are going to happen because you're putting effort in nobody's paying us for this we got up to five in a fucking more want to come down here and do this shit. We do it for them.

I do it for these people. So when I go on Twitter, I tell them to wash their fucking pussy, it's fucking Monday cock sucker. They understand what we're coming from. This is a combination that's deadly, you know, and we took a chance

and we're not fucking the best podcast is in the world. It's not the best podcast. But we all know that's what comes out of our heart. And that's the most important thing to me. So, Lee, I thank you. I thank my partner, Felicia. I thank Lee every fucking day.

People going online lately saying, shit about Lee. He's a cocksucker. He's a Jew. Fuck them. That's the beauty about fucking being a Jew. They're going to keep fucking talking. We're all fucking Jews. It's like my man, Paul Mooney said, did you get your nigger wake-up call? If you shake your family tree, a nigger will fall out.

That's it. Who the fuck we are? Let's do it. It's a beautiful fucking week. We got great shit ahead of us. Tomorrow, season premiere, sons of motherfucking anarchy. You know what? I don't even know what I'm going to do. I got to do some drug that's exotic tomorrow or something like that.

I ate the peanut brittal. I got the fucking vapor pen. What else can I do? I mean, what else can we do? You're going to ride a motorcycle around town? Who, me? Yeah. What fucking motorcycle?

My motorcycle days are over, dog? All right. I can't even a helmet to fit this fucking big head. I don't know where they get a helmet for Ron Perlman. What? What, mama? She go helmet shopping. You want with a big weed thing on the back?

I should go get a fucking motorcycle helmet, huh? That'd be fucking intense. That's it, motherfucker. What else we got for this week? Uh, not much, but that's, uh, that's, I want it for people, because we had that guy write in and finding or guitar and it's, uh, I mean, I, I would have never, I, I heard about you on the Rogan podcast and I would have never imagined. Like, I wrote you just, I wrote, I think it was like midnight or something. I just said, hey, I want to do something with comedian. And a year and a half later, we did a CD, a documentary we're doing this. It's, uh, it's, so don't ever think that you can't do it or, or just give it a try. Fucking do it, guys. Who gives a fuck? Don't let nobody tell you know.

If you want to do something and you believe it, the most important is your fucking belief. And that's it. Have a great fucking week. Oh, Beauty and the Beast podcast goes up this week. Also, if you want to support us with shirts, go to Beauty and the Beast podcast.com.

If you want to support me with shirts, go to Joey Cocoa Diaz. We also got dates on there. We got shit going on. I don't know what else to tell you. It's the fucking church of what's happening. I hope you got something out of this today. Don't pull a bitch's hair.

when she rips up your jar. What made me do? Let's put some music on these motherfuckers on the way out. We got the doors, riders on the storm. And it should be playing. I don't hear nothing. Oh shit. Have a good day.

God bless you. Wash your fucking pussy. Get out there. Most important thing fucking justify your existence. Cock sucker. Stay black. Joe Biden. Bye.