The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/11/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #111

Episode Date: September 12, 2013

Mike Dubin, the owner of Dollar Shave Club calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/11/2013.

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Or just go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's that motherfucking day. The one you've been waiting for. Get up. Wash your fucking monkey. Wash your feet. Put some cologne on. I don't put cologne on.

Then they'll fucking confuse you for some fucking guy trying to blow up a tunnel or some shit. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive, bitches. Wednesday, September 11th. 1970-something-something, bitches. Here you go. A little biggie on a Wednesday. Oh, shit. Ten months to...

Fuck the fuck. What's up, baby? Nothing. How's my little man Lisa? I had to do and play to find you. A day off in the middle of the week. I love it. Like a fucking doctor.

What are you going to do until they tell the people? Fucking nothing. Nothing. He don't give a fuck. He's going to sit there and scratch his nuts and eat potato chips and rub his little feet together. He's got an eyes on and his shorts. Who's better than you? Well, I woke

up early because we were, as we said, we were finishing up a CD, so I had to make a few changes on it. So I worked on for like two or three hours. Did you really? Well, yeah. I didn't even want to call you because I thought you were sleeping. No, no, no. I was going to work on it last night, but I worked all day, so I was like, I'll just wake up early today. Everything all right? Everything's great.

What's going on? What are they telling you? These cock suckers. They're telling me that, oh, I got to say thank you. And let me see if I can quickly get his name. This guy, Ari, there's no way I'm saying your last name, Lijunovich or something. Like, we have the

coolest people listening to it. This guy just sent me this like an hour long video of an editor, of an editor doing like a Q&A. It's like, I never would have found it. And it just, like, it made my morning. Like he sent it, he's like, man, I think you liked this. And it was like an hour long

thing of an editor talking about the show she works on. It was just awesome. You know, there's people that we really click with. And they send some shit to us every once in a while, whether it's music, whether it's something to read. And it's all health. I mean, some shit's fucking stupid, you know. I saw someone sent you the picture of the chicken restaurant you talked about like a week or two ago, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was really cool. I don't cook tonight. Call chicken delight. Yeah. Chicken delight's everywhere. It's a chain. Oh, okay.

They even have them in Hollywood. I've never heard of it. They have one in Hollywood across the street. It's by Hollywood and Vine. When I first moved here, I made a mistake to go in there one day. There's a movie theater there. There still is. Right on Hollywood and Vine on Hollywood Boulevard.

Across them, there's these two, before the Hollywood Vine and expansion, there was a little, it was just fucking wide. I don't know if you ever, no. No, I was here. Before they put the W up and all those hotels there, they used to be a parking lot. Oh, shit.

And behind there was a hut. Just this fucking hut in a parking lot. It looked like a valet hut, but it wasn't. It was a juicer hut. This lady, that Spanish lady, Colombian, whatever the fuck she is, and the two Guatemalan ladies been juicing back there for years. They've been making carriage juice and lettuce and kelp and all that shit for people, and there's

a lot of stars that go in there. If you look at the wall, there's a lot of stars. But when they moved, they had to move, so they shut them down and they moved across the Hollywood Boulevard across from this little movie theater. So if you're ever on Hollywood and Vine, heading west towards the ocean, and you're walking, if you hit the next corner after Vine, you went too far in the middle. there's a sandwich fruit stand fucking delicious they make like

you know brown cloud pink cloud is like milk strawberries and chocolate they always have something everything's fresh all the fruit's fresh the bread's fresh they made homemade chicken salad cold cuts everything is dynamite but across the street from there is a movie theater in the old days they show like two dollar movies

I don't know what I went in there to see but next to it is a chicken delight okay chicken delights were bad to the motherfucking bone when I was growing up in New York City 88th Street. That's how long ago. This was 40 fucking years ago. I would order, don't cook tonight. I caught chicken delight.

And they'd bring you three pieces of chicken. A leg, a wing, and a breast, fucking these curly cut fries that are just to die for. They would give you a little pack of jelly. Uh-huh. Really? Yeah, a little pack of jelly. I don't know why. And I would dip the fries in them like a disgusting savage.

And they'd give you a bun. And they put two dishes together and staple the side of the boxes. Oh, shit. With the fucking menu on it. Delicious. I remember my mom he says, how much chicken are you going to eat? You're going to fucking fly away someday. I love chicken delight.

Loved it, loved it. And then when we were in Joe Marys, we talked about it. When we were in Joe Marys, that bar, I think somebody called in, and we were talking about the chicken place next to it. That one of our friends worked there, so every night he'd come up with two bucks, buckets of chicken. You don't know what that's like. When you're at a bar and also when some guy comes in with a bucket of chicken,

that's like a fucking, fuck Jesus showing up with fucking cookies. You know? So, that's how I know about chicken delight. It's not like I would go in there and eat anymore. It's very tough to eat fried chicken out. The only place that I've been, there's a place in, I think it's Culver City called like honeies or something. It's actually pretty good. Take a good fried chicken?

But, but like KFC, you can't go to do it. No, no, no, no, that shit. You know, Rouse, the supermarket chain out here by us, has fried chicken. Every once in a while, they make a good fucking batch. Yeah. Like a fresh batch, you walk in there. It's got to be the stars of the line. You go in there and get fried chicken.

Last time I wanted to know the chicken was brown on the inside. Oh, yeah, of course. But when I got married, my wife, we were good friends. It's funny. There's somebody on Facebook that's talking about a black butcher in Hollywood. I think it's Josh Adam Myers. He talks about a black butcher, bookie butcher at the Hollywood rouse. I used to go to that rouse, and they are very friendly.

And they'll tell you what's back there. And if you like this cut of meat, what are they talking about? About your wedding? The wedding, so my wife became friends with all those women behind there. When we got married, my wife goes, fuck it, let's throw some chicken in that motherfucker too. And they made some fried chicken fresh that was off the chain. At my wedding, I had Ralph's fried chicken.

Yeah. And nobody said, everybody was like, that's delicious fried chicken. Who made it? Fucking Rout, stupid. But, like, you were talking when you came in how you said, like, you had a regular soda the other night, and it was like, you can't believe you ate it. Like, I've been fat for my whole life,

and you've been big all long time. But, like, I can't remember the last time I went to KFC. There's things, like, even there's a line, Like even bad people don't cross It's fucking disgusting And you drive by them and you see them back Popeyes ain't bad On Laurel Canyon from time to time

Especially on Tuesdays Two pieces of chicken for like a dollar Two pieces of a wing and the thing It ain't bad They don't have those in Boston But you can't eat 55 Pete You know what I'm like I always miss a wing Who don't like fried chicken?

Who the fuck don't like fried fucking chicken? You know who doesn't like a nice fucking Well not before I left New York in 83 I just live with Fronty Basasuto Me and Fernie lived downstairs, and upstairs. And upstairs, his mother and his father and his little brother Abel lived up there. And the mother was Puerto Rican, and the father was Cuban. And the mother used to make fried chicken that I would kill myself for a piece of it right now.

I've already lived a great life. That's how good this fried chicken was. She put it in a bag and she put it over the refrigerator. Yeah. So as you came in, she made fried chicken for dinner. And then she put fried chicken over the refrigerator. I got cool for you to eat throughout the day. And I mean, me and Ferney would go out at night

And we get stoned to the gills And we go fernny, we got to go back and tear up that fucking chicken He'd only eat two pieces a piece Because my mother counts him for a little able That's how good the chicken was There's some people that just put the... Puerto Ricans make a good fried chicken Oh, do they?

Oh, they bred that motherfucker twice And throw it in the thing It's just something about fried chicken That's delicious. You just can't eat it every fucking day You know, I don't even dream of eating that shit Yesterday, though, the wife was home all day because the babysitter

had to go to the doctor for a physical So we just said, don't even worry about it. My wife said, I fuck it, I'll take the day off. So I had shit in the afternoon. I had to do shit in the afternoon and everything. But early in the morning, we went to Langers. Oh, shit. My wife at about 9.30, and I go, we got to get the Langers before the lunchtime crowd hits, you know?

Yeah. So we had to run Samarans downtown, and then from there, went to Langas. Let me tell you something. God damn. God damn. I took, I got a half a, I got a whole pastrami sandwich, but I only ate a half for lunch. I saved the other half for late around the afternoon. That's how good I am.

I got a cup of navy bean soup God damn and I squished the beans and I gave it to my daughter the broth and she lost her mind and she started acting young Frankenstein

she kept going so we kept giving her the fucking beans and the ham and everything that was in that soup it's all over I even gave her some pastron and my wife's like what are you doing did she like it?

did she like it no because you called me like it was probably Monday night when I was at work late and you were talking and going to Langers and like people going to say it, but I'm like the worst Jew.

When I was a young kid, I didn't like pastrami. But it's like, it's kind of intense because they brine it, so maybe I'll try now. They got everything in there. They got everything. If you're Jew, that's the place to be in a lot. Clangers. Yeah. Closes it four. That's how much money that's fucking guy got. He said, fuck you and then and all this fucking Spanish. It's a horrible

neighbor. I mean, from the time you get out of your car there, you feel like I could get fucking stabbed. Really? Yeah, it's a horrible neighborhood. There's always something down. Every time you see Alvarado, you know, it's by MacArthur. That's a fucking terrible. You can walk into MacArthur Park right now, me and you, and we could get paperwork.

We get a passport, birth certificate. I did it three years ago. I went in there with a firm meeting one day. Kid Lesz, I live close to Langa's. Come on, we'll meet at Langa's, and we'll take a walk in that park. I didn't know. Yeah? In that park is everything.

Heroin. You can filter fish. You can find fucking everything in that park. That's a scary fucking neighborhood. Wait, what's the one over in, like, Santa Monica? Like, there's a Jewish deli over there. Maybe it's not Langers. The one on Cantors.

Cantors, that's the other one we go to. That's the other one we go to late night after the store. That's a little older. I prefer Langers. Okay. I'm a Langer's guy. I don't know why. I'm really a Langellip.

Filippe is really good downtown. I've heard of that, yeah. They make the hot deep dip sandwich. I've only gotten there twice, you know, in 13 years. Because, again, who the fuck goes downtown? Yeah. You know, downtown, you know, people don't understand. Like, I'm going to New York tomorrow.

And I got to tell you something. Like, little by little, I've been getting rid of shit, like that I have to do. Just because I know the traffic, and I know what I can tolerate. You know, they sent me a thing. I might go see Diane Sawyer. I was telling you. Yeah, that's exciting. So if this meeting doesn't come through, I will go into the city to see Diane Soya.

But, like, you know, friends, like, now another friend calling me Thursday. He's going to be running late. So it's just one thing after the other. So I've just been canceling shit. It's amazing. Are you staying in the city? Yeah, I'm going to stay in the city. Okay.

I'm going to stay in the city Thursday, and I'm going to stay in Jersey Friday and Saturday, close to my family. I can see them and eat and jump up and down with the rest of the fucking Yahoo's and whatnot. Oh shit, you're going to be there when the Jets are playing the Patriots on Thursday night. Oh, am I? Yeah, Thursday night. Really? That's probably, I don't know if it's in Jersey or New England now, but they're playing Thursday night. Check and see.

Check and see so I know what I'm walking myself into see. These are things you got to know because these are things you got to know because everybody will be going to the where I'm fucking hanging is where they'll be fucking playing and all that shit. Oh, really? Yeah. Let's see. Hopefully it's in New England for you then. Yeah, it's annoying one, I hope. But I was listening to something last night,

and I wanted to get your opinion on it. So, like, you have people who, like, you said that thing during one of the live podcasts, that actor you don't like. And you have people who you don't like, but it's usually always for, like, a reason. Like, he did something or, like, there's something you don't like.

Right. But I've never really, like, you've dealt with people online who do, like, the trolling thing. So we're just assholes for no reason. Right. Like, I can't, I don't understand where that comes from. Like, it's just like, I, like, I mean, I was bullied as a kid, and it's, people are getting too obsessed about bullying now.

But, like, the online stuff, like, people will say, like, I've seen people say, like, horrible things to you. Like, just, like, stuff about your mother or go die and, like. It's, it's amazing. I can't even understand it. I've never understood it, like, saying something like that. And not knowing somebody. Yeah. Like just, you know, I get emails in times about Rogan and me and you.

And I sit there and go, really? Like, this upsets you. I got an email like four days ago about marijuana and national security. But already I know these people are fucking crazy. Yeah. Like there's some people that are crazy, man. You can tell by their spelling. Really?

You can tell by that fucking spelling. You're like, what the fuck is this? That's funny. Some people are angry, you know, and I understand that. Some people don't like, what the fuck you say? There's always one person that sends me a message about what I post in the morning, which is hysterical. Really? People fucking get pissed off, man.

People go on social networking to get pissed off. I never understood that. People go on social networking to start a war with people. I never understood that. I never understood with two comedians arguing one another on fucking Twitter. I never understood that. But then I get on there and I get into an argument with somebody. So you know what I'm saying?

But your arguments are always about like. Limey to fucking stop hitting me up, that fucking idiot. You know, there's just some people that don't feel comfortable. And this is the other end of the social network that you have to deal with. When I was a kid, I didn't like fucking cheap trick. I still don't like fucking cheap trick. But I'm not going to hit them up on an email and go, I hate you fucking cheap trick. I bought one of their albums, Heaven Tonight.

I just didn't like them walking around like fucking Momo's with the hat on. You know, that's just me. But I would never have the balls to go and try to ruin somebody's day like that, like just to fucking blatantly. get online and go, hey, fat, fuck. You know, I never understood that. Yeah. And, you know, for me, you're not ruining my day.

You're making me laugh. I'm at home giggling and laughing. It doesn't upset you. I mean, because it's so, well, the one good thing about, about, like, the people who listen to us and mainly you, is that most of them are cool. So, like, I've gotten, like, two or three of them, and I just immediately block them. But, like, it, like, it didn't ruin my day, but it did. It does hurt. Like, have you just been doing it for so long?

You just kind of brush it off now? I understand. I didn't understand it at first. I didn't understand it two years ago on Facebook, on MySpace. Yeah. I didn't understand on MySpace when I go on Rogan's podcast and I get home and somebody would talk shit. I didn't understand it two or three years ago. Now I get it.

Now I look at it and I see where it's coming from. And some people have a valuable voice. Some people, it's very weird. For me, for me, for Joey Diaz, I'm a fucking immigrant. At the end of the fucking day, I'm a spick. That's just how life made itself work itself out. That's it. That's how God, you wake up in the morning and go, how come I wasn't born in Africa with flies all over me?

How come I wasn't born in Africa with flies all over me? How come I wasn't born in Syria and got tear gassed or whatever the fuck happened last week? You're born here in the United States. You're fucking already half-lucky. Already you have a god in your fucking corner. We could have been born in Cuba and had to make the swim like that fucking lady. Your legs are shaking and you're all pale with fucking jellyfish fart in your face. You understand me?

So when you wake up and you're a fucking American, you're three quarters of the way there. Okay, you're a Russian, but you came to America, you're a fucking American. And one thing that bothers the fuck out of me, no matter what nationality you are, because this is how I was raised. I was raised in a home with criminals.

My mother was a fucking criminal. Her means every day. But the bottom line, she was trying. She wasn't a criminal by whatever. My father died. There were numbers dealers. I don't even call that criminal. That's like selling fucking.

You're doing people a favor. Yeah. You know? The lottery runs a lottery, right? Yeah. The lottery, all we did was run a Spanish fucking lottery that was based off the fucking horse track. You're going to come give me a ticket and call me a criminal.

So that's what I'm calling a fucking criminal. Okay? But one thing, my mother definitely believed him was this country. I don't know why. She instilled it in me. She fucking beat it into me. And today I'm happy that she did. And, you know, she used to say to me,

in this fucking house, you speak English. You speak Spanish and English because I fucking pay the bills, but out there on the street, you speak English because you're in America. Yeah. Okay? That's how I feel. The other day, I was at Marie E.T. writing, I had to meet that kid, and I'm sitting at Marie E.T.

And these two fucking guys sitting next to me, and they're speaking some fucking language. And they're talking it for a fucking hour. Out loud. You know, when you're trying to write and you get, whatever the fuck they were talking? I don't know if they were. I don't know what the fuck they were. I felt like saying, hey, but I did say that once. So about a year ago on the podcast, I got more hate mail than ever.

Really? People were like, fuck you, aren't you, the guy that goes to Target with a camera? Fuck, you know what I'm saying? I'm trying to teach you how to be a fucking better American. How to respect what the fuck we're talking about. It's not about getting in front of a flag and sineutland like a half a fag. That's what people think an American is. To get in front of a flag and salute.

I'm a fucking American or when you're watching a UFC and a Brazilian or some fucking kid from Sweden is fighting some fucking black guy. You start, you know, USA! USA! Really? But meanwhile, they're outside fucking acting like a fucking jerk off. If they don't pick up a paper, they fucking make, they fucking make right turns without blinkers on. They do a thousand things to be anti-American, okay? This is what I was talking about that day.

You have to be an American in and outside your thing. Being an American outside your thing is, I'm fucking Spanish. But if I got to speak Spanish or somebody, I'll call them over. Really? Yeah, I won't yell it out. That's fucking embarrassing. That leaves you out. It's like going to watch a fucking comedy show,

and somebody's talking about white people and black people. You're breaking me up there at that. the fucking comedy show. What I do for a living, I'm already being broken up every fucking day. You know what I'm saying to you? You follow her I'm coming from? And it's the only reason why I Like my mom

She like she She got mad about the same thing Like she didn't get mad But like And he would never say anything to the people But like we were at the grocery store And the two cashiers And like stalls over were speaking

Like Portuguese or something She'd get mad And I never understood it Only like because I I know how hard it is to learn a language. So, like, it never, it never really upset me. But, like, I can see where you put in the effort to learn English. And you could see how it would be disrespectful that they're not.

But, like, I, that one thing never really, because I've had conversations with my mom about it, but it never really offended me. There's little fucking things that drive me crazy. You can't say them. You have to just let people live their fucking life sometimes. Yeah. Unless it goes into between this fucking circle.

That's why I always love Kemgo karate. Anything that happens into this circle, it affects you. When they get up and put their hands on me and call me a fucking miserable fat fucking their language, then I can fucking be pissed. But until that time, you know, what are you going to do? If you don't fucking know this, if you didn't learn this at the house from common sense,

common sense is huge. How many people you see they got a fucking 5 beta caper from Brown, but they got no fucking common sense. All of them. You know what I'm saying? They could recite the fucking whatever backwards and tell you about this and that, they're dumb fucks.

They wouldn't have fucking common sense if their life depended on it. Yeah. No, I just, I don't know. I was listening to some people talk about it and some, some guy was saying how he, it's funny to troll.

And I just know most of these people wouldn't say that to you if they were in front of you. But it's just, I never, I can't understand. It wouldn't say things like that to anybody. Yeah. When you, when you get a troll on Twitter,

go to that page. These people have been saying things to 20, 30 people. For the last two days. days. I say set up an account to say things to people. And then there's, here's the ones that bother me. There's people that do it just to do it. I love that. But there's people that listen to the podcast a few times. One day they got a wild bug up their ass, start an account to say what they don't want to say to somebody.

So they're not even saying it from their own Twitter? Yeah. That's terrible. They're saying from a different Twitter. Like, you podcast sucks or you illegal. And you're sitting there going. Jesus Christ, how did your parents raise you? Yeah.

Because one thing they missed a boat by now and still the balls in you. That was number one. They didn't instill fucking balls in you. You know, it really, I went to a baseball game this summer, a little league baseball game. A friend of mine's kid was playing baseball. I went, and when I went, if you thought it was quiet at that fucking angel game you went to,

whatever the fuck you went to, the Dodger game a few weeks ago, yeah. Go to a little league game today. Where the kids aren't allowed to yell at the other kids, and the parents can't yell at the kids. Go to Encino. We'll go to a baseball game. I'll go to Sherman Oaks.

Go to one of these nice white neighborhoods up here, all right, and go to a baseball game and see what you're going to get. You're going to get, you could drop a pin. The parents can't say nothing. They'll get thrown off the field. Really? And the kids can't say nothing. You get thrown out of the Little League.

We have become such a sensitive society. that we can't even tell kids how to not get bullied. Yeah. I'm 50 years old. I've heard the word bully before, but I've never heard it at the extremes that I've heard at the last three years. I have a daughter at home,

and I don't want to get fucking bullied. That's the last thing a parent wants. So you have to take measures to teach your child how not to get bullied. There's two measures. You could get pump up there their kickboxing efforts or you could pump up their

self-being efforts you could tell them they're everything in the fucking world I was very insecure but those tweets you read in mine in the morning those are the things my mom used to say to me really in the exact way but a different fucking manner the same message that was what my you know when I wake up in the morning I see people going you're inspiring me

whatever with these fucking things it's not inspiration it's what you should be hearing every morning and there's a thing that kids should be hearing every morning I don't even know what we're going into this today there's a thing that kids should be hearing if my daughter came to me and said dad I've been bullied at school I'd ask her the situation then she has two options you have three options really

and think of what your options are your options are A to strike back you know if they put their hands on you B say something back which engages or C go to the principal, then you become a tattletail. Yeah. So you lose on two out of three of those.

So the only ethical thing is to fucking have your child to bit slap somebody. And that's the last thing you want in this society. That's the last thing you want to teach your child, you know? Yeah. So these topics are just fucking really... But you have to... My mother didn't hesitate. My mother knew I was going to get bullied

because I didn't speak the language. So she taught me. the language at the house. She worked with me. I watched TV. I strive hard to learn the language. But at the same time, she also taught me the physical of it. And she said, it's going to come down to this.

And it did. You know, it came down to it when I lived in New York City a couple times, and she signed me up into karate, and then it was all cool. Then it came back again in North Bergen. And that's when she really put it into me, and that's the last lesson she probably taught me before she died. And here I am today. Yeah. You know?

And I know that we spoke about it. My mother would talk about things and fucking pound them into you. You know what I'm saying? But those tweets you read in the morning, that's what my mother would say to me in the morning. She'd come up, kick the door up and go, oh, that's it. Pull up your socks and get that cock ready today. It's going to be a beautiful day. I'm like, shut the door.

I'm tired. What fucking tired? Get up, you little fuck. It's on today. It's a great day. You're going to get out there. Go get that basketball. It's going to be sunny on.

It's the truth. You can't tell your kid like that no more. You can't tell your kid. Listen, if somebody touches, you break them over the fucking head. I got your back. I do got my daughter's back. You follow me? When she's 10, I'm going to have her back.

When she's 15. I have my friend's backs. You know, I was talking to Jill Hermitsu the other day, and we're talking about a friendship moment. I was talking about how in this society, this... No, your enemies, Lee, become my fucking enemies. That's a movie that came out in 73. Mom and Brando said that to got somebody,

and that's stuck in my head. That's always stuck in my head. To be a good friend, your enemies become my enemies, motherfucker. So whatever. You know, and these kids don't... They don't know about these things. Again, a parent can't tell her kid in this society and this be nice society with fake glasses. Oh, my God.

If somebody hits you, you have to strike them. No, they can't say it. I will say that to my child. Eventually. Eventually, you build their self-esteem up. And that's what my mom did with me, you know. I never seen the creativity of calling me a fat spick. You know, when I was 12 or 13, you know, from, you know, from.

From 12 to fucking 35, I had no body fat. You know, I wasn't a fat like 31, 32. I wasn't really that fat or nothing. Yeah. It's a big guy. But for you to call me a fat spick, there's really no creativity in that. I always feel bad. Yeah.

You know, when somebody throws a punch, because you call him a nigger or a white bread, it pisses me all. That's what you are. I laugh about it. It's the other things they can't fucking. Well, a lot of it's now, and especially when your daughter gets to be older, like I've seen kids who are like five or six have Facebooks so a lot of it now isn't going to be physical

a lot of it is going to be like the teasing and it's not going to stop when you're not at school anymore like because when I was a kid I wouldn't hang out with the kids who were making fun of me but now on Facebook they're all right there so I can't even imagine like a six or seven like first graders are committing suicide now because of it and it blows my mind it's just like they every day they have stories about little kids doing that

and talk to your kids You gotta talk to your kids You gotta be a part of their life My good friend Steve Avillo Who called two weeks ago Is a dear friend of mine And I'm gonna tell you people something If I ever built a blueprint

For a man It would be Stevea Villo I don't know The guy that plays in Passmasters That man Steve Villo's parents Did a great job with him He never judged me

Not since day one When my mother died I knew Steveavillo Maybe a year and a half He came to the fucking wake I'll never forget, that's why he calls this podcast. He came to my mother's wake with three other fucking gorillas and his mother. And at the wake, they pulled me aside.

I went to church and said, you want to move in with us? We got a spare bedroom. They had just lost their father. So they knew. I was a Cuban kid. I knew the people that had invited me to live with them in the neighbor. It was one thing. But for Steve Villal and the kids that came through from me,

Steveavillo has three good brothers, two other brothers. And Steve's never had a problem. You know, yeah, he smoked pie. him early we did this we did that but he wasn't one of the people that went fagged and he wasn't some of the people that were involved in the shit we were involved in early on and I've always accredited him to what his mother and father did they gave him great self-esteem and today he's in a band he's an engineer I'm sorry he's a great father to those two girls and he wants to me I said what is the secret and he goes you

got to put the fucking working because if you don't put the working when they're young it's going to come back to bite you in the ass you cannot get confused with you your position, you cannot let your job overtake you and you're a parent, you know. And that's what he was saying to me. You know, he specifically got a job that he could work part-time from home. Oh, shit. He goes, I went after those jobs. That was part of my agreement.

He goes, I'm really good at what I do. But part of my agreement was in the mornings I work hard in the afternoons. I'm in charge of driving, soccer, this, this, this, this. And he goes, I met all their boyfriends. I did this. He goes, I didn't crowd them. But I was a part of their fucking life. And today I got no problems.

They're both in major colleges. And it makes sense. It makes sense. You know, you can't give your kid a position to slip. It's like anything else in the way. Did you watch Sons of Anarchy last night? No, no. Great fucking premiere.

I mean, I sat there at one point and looked at my wife and I go, I just lost 40 minutes has gone by and nothing has happened. Okay. Do you know what the sons do, what their job is? I know they're bikers. They're bikers. And do you know what bikers do? They transport. Okay.

And 90% of the shit they transport is drugs. But the other half of years is said to be weapons. And even if the feds know they're transporting weapons, this isn't all by clubs. This is just, and especially when it comes to Sun to Anarchy. So the season opener, this is how hard. This is how good Kurt Souter's getting. The season opening, it always opens up with Jack's writing in a notebook.

He talks a story about his life in the notebook that he's going to give his sons. Oh, okay. When they get to be old enough. But it's really funny. he's talking, he's writing in the notebook and he's writing this short boy that looks just like him. Okay? With a school suit on.

And the show's developing, the girl gets beat up and fucking this one gets a fight in the ass and this one gets beat up in the ass and this. You know, it's just sons of kids, bikers and they got to go meet these people that robbed these hookers and all this story goes on. And every like eight minutes in every segment they show that little boy

walking past where they're going through. And towards the end, they show Treger who you think is going to die in episode one. Because that's what I thought last night. They were going to kill him in episode one. Because last year they killed his daughter and they lit her on fire.

Oh, shit. Yeah, they don't fuck around. The son's anarchy. So I'm very happy. I'm very concerned that nobody's heard about this today. And people are going to be mad on me for the spoilers, but shut the fucking podcast off then. because this is very interesting about what about TV

and they show a little boy and Austin at the end they show Trayor and they show a little boy walk into a Catholic school, sit down in the yard take his notebook out and he puts a pen in by the notebook he pulls his sleeves up and he shows that he's been cutting himself

and out of the fucking knapsack like the one I have he takes out a fucking machine gun takes a clip out puts in his fucking pocket walks into a grammar school what a little kid? That was son's anarchy last night Kids got to be about 12 or 13, maybe, maybe. Oh, okay.

Good morning. Hey, it's Michael Dubin from Dollar Shave Club. Hey, Michael Dubin. Thank you very much for taking the time today, man, for calling up. How are you today? I'm good. Thanks for having me on your show. Nah, man, listen, we're, you know, we, you guys, we represent your company and we wanted to have you on.

I think it's an interesting story. I just wanted to ask you some questions for a couple minutes, just so people get to know you. some of the people on the show and that's it. You go on your merry way. What's happening today, brother? Nothing, man. I'm just doing a little bit of business travel. I'm in New York City where it's hot and sweaty,

and it's different from the California dry. Are you staying in New York the whole weekend, brother? No, I'm not. I'm going to go to Philadelphia and see my family. All right, no, because I'm doing stand-up at Gotham Comedy Club on Friday and Saturday, so I'd like to invite you. Oh, that would have been fine.

Yeah, we're going to the Palms for dinner, Thursday, day night so you know how that is what inspired you to start this company oh man well you know if you ask most guys how they feel about um you know brand name raisers or or shopping for raisers they'll tell you that they're frustrated with two things one um you know the price and two the awful experience of going to the store to buy them um and so so so dc is the answer to that you know it's a better way to do it it's a smarter way to live your life so so yeah i mean i think like most good businesses or startups at least it was born out of frustration I mean but you're not like a shaving enthusiast you don't you know you didn't sit

there for two years in college and go I'm gonna fucking devise a program to do this and this no you just said it's a good way to just eliminate the middleman and save people money it's a great deal way before they contacted us I went on your web page when the commercial went viral I loved what you were doing that's a true fucking story I loved what you were doing I'm like this guy got balls he's got Alejandro in there He's got the Mexican in there. He's having a fucking party. He's got a bare dancing.

Who's better than this fucking guy? You know, because America's sick and tired of watching these other, you know, Christian commercials and shit like this. So this is why I loved you from the beginning. You know, when I go on the road, I bring a razor or whatever. But now I'm hooked, man. The cocoa butter, the butter. You know, I get a lot of ingrown hands.

I've been using the butter. It's tremendous. You know, the razor deal, the his and her. I mean, it's just a great bargain, man. Yeah, and it just makes your life easier. And it's fun. You know, you go to Dollar Shaveclub.com, you get your razors, you get your shave butter, now we've got wipes, and then we're going to take over the whole men's bathroom and hair care

and all kinds of stuff. You know, if it goes down the drain and you use it every day, Dollar Shave Club's got a better answer for that stuff. So, you know, it's an exciting time. It's just the beginning. It's the right time to join. And I've got to tell you something. And, you know, your family, Mike, I love what you do, and I hope you don't get disturbed

by the language, but I love these little butt wipes with the peppermint flavor, just in case you got to leave and go get a rim job. You always asshole toast like peppermint. You're always thinking Uncle Mike. That's why I love about you. Look, it's honest. You know, we're honest. And, you know, great things happen when your ass smells fantastic.

No, they really do. I remember I used to date this trip, like 12 years ago, 15 years ago, in Washington State. And she came home one day. She was kind of dipped up. And she told me that a guy off of the six, a truck driver offered a $60 to lick her ass. So this is a true start.

And I go, did you take it? And she goes, not really. I didn't want coffee breath in my ass. She was fucking serious. So when I read your thing with the peppermint wipes and the pep, I think you're a fucking genius, dog. So not only in my shaved, my nut sack is shaved,

but my muffler smells like Christmas. You follow me? You got to stay clean down there. That's why I love you. The little peppermint tingle lets you know where the clean is. And the peppermint works on the nuts, too, because that's what I wiped on the other day. I went to jujitsu.

I didn't want to take a shower, but I didn't want to someone. when stinky, nut in their fucking face. I used those peppermint. I got a guy in a triangle. He was happier than shit. You follow me? Yeah, it's the only way to live your life is clean down there.

But like it wherever. No, I like it. Now, you said you're taking over the bathroom. What's next for Dollar Shave Club? If that's okay that you leak it out over here on the church or what's happening. Now, what's next? Yeah, so I think that, you know, probably what's going to come next is a post-shaven moisturizer. slap something on for the day.

You know, guys like things easy. And if you can, you know, if you can put something on your face that soothes after you shave and you can put on your whole face, you know, during the day, that's a plus. So I think a post-shade moisturizer is going to be next. And then hair care and all kinds of other stuff. Well, brother, I know you're busy and I'm happy you took the time. You know, I had a bunch of questions for you, but you're such an out. You know, I love everything up.

I like the webpage. I like how everything is to the point. There's no fucking drama. Everybody into society tries to be high tech with drama. You go to your thing. You got a video, testimonials, order, or go fuck yourself. It's nice and plain, no drama. It tells a little story about you and the other guy.

I love it. I love everything you do. And I think that it's just the beginning. You know, I read some of the articles on the Wall Street Journal that was in there about you. I think there's the beginning of the great things. I'm happy you chose this to represent you because it's easy for us. This is a great product, man. I appreciate you having us on, and, you know, it's awesome to connect with members all day long.

It's great. Well, I love you, man. Thank you for your call. So you're from Philly originally? That was born in Philadelphia. That's right. I live in Venice, California, which is, you know, on the west side of Los Angeles, and that's where the company stays.

Yeah, you know, I saw that also. I was in Philly, the beginning of July, that heatway week and the air conditioner broke at the club. Jesus. Did you grow up in Philly also? Did you went to school there? I did, I did it, until I went to college down in Atlanta. Okay, look at you. I went to college in Philly for a semester and a half.

Glassboro State. It is now Rowan University. There you go. Yeah, it's now rowing. So we're all gumbas at the end. Listen, brother, like I said, I know you're busy. I just want to let people hear your voice and let people know what you do and what your plans are because a lot of them are signing up for this,

and I think it's a great bargain, and I want to hang with you forever. I want to grow with you. So thank you very much, man. All right, stay beautiful. Bye. All right, bye-bye. No drama sales.

I could have had the guy on for two hours, breaking his balls. Who needs an aggravation? He got to the fucking point. A dollar, $6 or $9. Guys, it doesn't get no better than that. When we got the email that, I said, this is a fucking steal.

This is a scam for these fucking people. Get on it. For a dollar, you get four fucking raises a month, right? Yep. Two blade razors. Two blade razors. You don't get the fucking soap and the other shit. You've got to drop the six.

Once you get the six, what do you get? Three blade razors. Oh, shit. For nine, you got four blade razors and then the extra, the peppermint one wipe Charlie's, and then the shave butter they have also. So yeah, just go to Dawshaveclub.com slash church. I use it to do the edges of my beard. I like having the beard because I look like an eight-year-old if I don't.

But I use it on my neck. I use all of it. And it comes straight to your door. You don't have to remember to order it again. It's automatically ordered. Yeah, they send you an email, so you keep your eyes open and bed. I got my email Monday, so I should be getting everything today or fucking tomorrow. I'll be gone tomorrow, but whatever.

Dollar Shaveclub.com. Go to Joey Diaz.com. And bang. The banner. And the banner and hit the banner. That's how we wrote. A dollar, $6 or $9. You think I'm going to sit here and sell you people things for $2,000 fucking dollars?

I ain't got time for that shit. Just go get $9. Now you get shaving. Your balls would be nice. Get the peppermint fucking asshole wash, too. You can't beat the towel. That smells like peppermint. You wipe your muffler.

Forget, you have a finger your ass in the daytime. You scratch it and you sniff your finger. It smells like that. No more. You put the fucking... You put the peppermint packages in your pocket and your little fucking knapsack. Like a little Harvey homo that you are.

Everybody's walking around with a knapsack. Only look at me. I'm a brilliant. Get the fuck out of here. Anyway. What were you talking about? Who bullied you when you were a kid? A lot of kids.

A lot of kids. I was a short kid. Did they call you Joey and all that? No, it was, only like... Smelly? No. What movie was that? That's a funny movie line.

We're like, no, fuck. Maybe it was actually a family guy. Where, like, Chris was saying... I think it was family guy. And, like, the doctor was trying to come up with names that they would call Chris. It was mainly about my weight.

And then I'm always kind of... of like a shy kid so like I just always wouldn't I wouldn't fit in and I was never that great at sports so like I'm like this like right now is like the happiest I've been but uh it was bad but it was never and you were talking about sons of anarchy it was never to the point where I would ever go kill someone or I mean I got pissed off and I got in a couple fights but that's well that's why I honestly it's probably why I watched a lot of TV and now why I do this so I I I'd like to say I'd change it but I probably We probably shouldn't change it.

I never got bullied. I was just scared of going outside. I'm one of those fucking dudes. I get scared of everything. But what I was getting to, I don't think the kid had been bullied or whatever. What I was getting to the point in a son's anarchy is that Jack's wife went to jail. And there's one scene where they show,

she's reading on her bed, like filling out like a crossword puzzle. And she's got a blank on and some prisoner comes by and pulls the blanket off from front of everybody. Now, let me explain some. team in jail and in life, you know, especially in Hollywood. Like if you're that editor, if they come in and go,

you know that guy in office space, you have to work Saturday? Yeah. If you're that guy that never sticks up for himself, you know it, that don't make you do shit you've never done before. Yeah. Don't have you at the guy's house editing his Christmas fucking movies, telling you that if you do it this time, he'll get your job and Warner Brothers.

You know what I'm talking about. There's some scumbag motherfuckers out here that'll promise you shit and make you work for free and blah, blah, blah. And you have to nip that shit at the bud. And there's a lot of times, like, you know, you get busy in your life, but there was years ago where Josh Wolf, who's called the show from Chelsea lately, and I were making some extra money.

And some guy called and they wanted to put a bet in and we set up a couple of his bets and he paid us. Then the second round around, he wouldn't pay us. But he borrowed from somebody else. And one day some guy comes up to me at the commis and he goes, hey man, you got to give me 400 bucks. And I go, what are you talking about? He goes, Bob Baker said that you owed me to him the money. So you're going to give it to me?

And I go, I don't know what you're talking about. He goes, well, I don't know either. I just need my $4.00. And I'm like, you're not getting that from me. And this went on for a few fucking months. He was the manager at the club then. He was a friend of Mitzis. Great fucking story.

And I kept this one on every time he'd see me because you got my money. I'm like, nope. He's like, so when are you going to get that? I don't really know. I was starting to bully me a little bit. He knew that I couldn't get thrown out of the store. Do you follow me? Because I wouldn't, that's what you want.

You want to be a part of the store. So I kept saying, so I just kept blowing the guy off. But the guy didn't understand, I don't respond well to that kind of shit. I've never had. Listen, I used to be fucking crazy. If I don't like the way you talk to me the second time, I'd say something to you. Or I choke you or one of my friends would smack you. I come from one of those societies.

So let this go on. It was the comedy store. One night I went up to me. I got in my face. I need my $4.00, and I go, listen, bro, it was good for a while. Now it just turned sour for you. Because now you thought you were going to get the hint that you weren't going to get dick from me. But since you stepped up on me, you got two options.

You could get the option to step off. And Eddie Bravo was there, and Joe Rogan, when a bunch of us were down there, and he had his boys down there and I said, you ain't getting dick. So the guy goes, next time I see you, better have my money, which is the worst thing you can fucking say to me. So I didn't say nothing. So I get a call one day from the talent coordinator. Yeah.

And she goes, what's going on? with you and him. This guy just came up peeing and says when you get your check, he's taking it. And I go, that's not going to happen. I go, what time the checks come out? He goes, one o'clock. I go, I'll be there Friday. So I fucking went up there Friday at 5 to 1. There's the guy dropping off my checks. I got my fucking check and I left. And about an hour late, I got a call from this guy. And he's like, hey, I went to get your check. You told me to take it. It wasn't. I go, listen, do you really think you're going to take my check? I go, you, Mitty Shaw, Pauley, all you motherfuckers could suck my fucking

dick. You're not getting a dime out of me. I'll die. I'll take a fucking black dick up the ass before I give you a fucking dime of my fucking money. And bro, I never gave them motherfucking nothing. He went to Mitzie Shaw. He went to all of them. I don't respond well to that shit at all. I'm the wrong

fucking guy, especially out of here. I'm the type of guy that I can live with myself. I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't live with myself. So I'm going to say something to you. But it was so funny, you never got a fucking dime from me. Not a dime. And again, it was because of that night.

How he talked to me outside, he lost that night. And last night in Sun's Anarchy, the black girl takes the blanket off of fucking the girl. And she waits. And at night, when the girl's talking to her friend, she sneaks up on and beats the fuck out of that black girl, kicks her, just beats the fuck out of. And that's what you need to do. You have to nip it in the bud the way they should have stopped Hitler in Munich. If they were to stop Hitler in Munich, the Jews would have been fucking happy.

Speaking of which, I never liked this kid until yesterday. Did you see about Russell Brand? No, what did he do? He went out Hugo Boss because they made the uniforms for the Nazis. Oh, really? No. Hugo Boss gave him an award, like some fucking award.

And he went up there and he's like, all right, yeah. He's like, it's great. He goes, did you guys know that Hugo Boss made the uniforms for the Nazis? Really? He goes, yeah. Oh, hysterical. He said something. He said a line.

Listen, Russell Brands never really said nothing funny in his life, but he said a line that was classic. Look for the video. I'm looking for you. He said something about, oh, it's okay. It's okay to make uniforms, but to be prejudiced for people who are prejudiced and racist and who kill other people for their own fucking behalf.

Just classic shit he came up with. I forgot to tell you that yesterday. Somebody else brought it to my attention. Let's see. Is it like two and a half minutes? Is that making him? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that.

Let's find it. Ladies and gentlemen, the brilliant man-children, behind this funniest film of the year, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg. No, that's not it. I think they're... Let me see if I can bring him up here? No, that's not it. That's not it.

Oh, here it is. Here he is. Also glad to grace the stage where Boris Johnson has just made light of the use of chemical weapons in Syria, meaning that GQ can now stand for genocide quips. Is this a say Hugo Boyce? I mentioned that only to make this next comment a bit lighter, because if any of you know a little bit about history and fashion, will know that Hugo Boss made the uniforms for the Nazis.

And the Nazis did have flaws, but, you know, they did look fantastic. Let's face it. Women of the year. Oh, that's all that. Yeah, they cut out that second line. That second line is brilliant. Oh, let's see if I can find it. Hold on.

But no, that's crazy. Let's see if... Hugo Boss made the uniforms for the fucking Nazis. Well, we're talking about Hugo Boss and Russell Brown. Also, not only do I take care of you with Dollar Shave Club, but fucking Hulu's no often either, we give you two weeks for free on Huluplus.com, not just fucking Hulu.

This is Huluplus.com. We give you two weeks, and then you get fucking a month for $7.95. That's right. Hold on. 7.90 fucking five a month. That's $8. You know what that is a fucking year? Tell them, 108. 96.

Is it 96? 12 times 8? Oh, no, no. No, no. No. Yeah, 96. Yeah, 96. You're right.

I fucked up. 96 fucking dollars for entertainment. That's what some people pay a month to watch TV and all that shit. We'll give it to you for the whole fucking year. Everybody's looking to save a buck. Here it is. Go to Huluplus.com. Go to Joey.

Go to J-O-Diaz. What are they pressing a box? Joey. Joey. Boom. J-O-E-Y. You get two weeks for free off the back. Give them the credit card $8 a fucking month after that.

$8. $7.95. What do I got to fucking tell you? Go to Hulu. Go to Hulu. Go to Hulu. Go to Huluplus.com and get your shit together today. Today.

Let's hear the... I couldn't listen to what you're saying that. Let's see. The page where Boris Johnson has just made light of the use of chemical weapons in Syria, meaning that GQ can now stand for genocide quips. I mention that only to make this next comment a bit lighter, because of any of you that know a little bit about history and fashion will know that Hugo Boss made the uniforms for the Nazis.

and the Nazis did have flaws, but, you know, they did look fantastic. Let's face it, while they were killing people on the basis of their religion and sexuality. Genocide clips are okay. No, it's okay. I told you, that's pretty fucking good.

So we got to give it to my boy, sticking up for the fucking Jews. As usual. Like, you know, it's fair enough. All right, that's it. Oh, that's it? Oh, that's it. What are you killing this boy?

I'm like, you know, I'm fucking, I think I'm in Pirates of the Caribbean. The fuck is right here. Oh, no, it's crazy. Fuck. What? I was trying to remember what we were talking about. What the fuck you think I'm talking about here?

You got music for me today? Anything? Absolutely, I do. Something, you fuck. What are you talking shit? Oh, oh shit, this is a good one here. Break out that reefer. It's fucking Wednesday.

By the time you get this, it'll be Thursday. You're getting fueled up for the weekend. A little tool. Smoke a fucking number. Look out the win. Oh, yeah. Eat a fucking puffin. Hot cookie or something like that.

Just shit back, put the earphones on. Listen to my man dropping on you. Maybe have somebody lick your nuts after you're wiped with the fucking peppermint baggie. Surprise them. Why do your nuts smell like peppermint? Bitch. It's that type of party. There's a fucking guess right now, brother.

I love the song. I love this fucking jam. I wish I could play it every day. People get pissed off. Why? Because. I don't want to have a theme theme. I don't mind.

Keep playing it. This is a good fucking jam. Should I smoke another? Should we roll another number here? Absolutely. I got to get a pipe or something. I thought you like joints. I do, but it's tough.

You know, you can't smoke all day. When I got the pipe, I'm hitting it all fucking day in that room. What else, brother, talking? You tell me something fucking good. Nothing. I'm excited about football being back. Breaking Bad's almost over, which I know you don't watch. So where they're playing in New England?

Yeah, they're playing New England. Good. I mean, it'll be crazy for you. No, I won't. Really? I'm not doing shit on Thursday night. I'm going on Rite Lang. That's it.

I'm going to Ardy Langanth He's dinner at the palms That's it, I ain't going nowhere else I got nothing to do with me They're in New England That's eight fucking hours away What do I give a fuck? Oh yeah

It's fucking Wednesday bitches How's Danny B doing? Is he all excited about football season? Danny B's coming Friday night Oh he's coming all good Danny B's coming Some other kids I grew up with I'm always excited to see Danny

He's staying in Hoboken though I can't deal with that shit Not this weekend What's wrong with Hoboken? I mean I know I'm going to be home I don't want to have to deal from Hoboken to North Berk. I was going to stay in Wee Hawking,

but they're doing road construction down there, so it's fucked up, you know what I'm saying? But that's it. No, no, if anybody got a chance or watch Sons of Anarchy, it really fucked with me. That was really good last night. They just sucked me in.

Sometimes you gotta suck. They just suck them in. Suck me in. I swear to God, I'll call Terry right now. I go, Terry, what the fuck? An hour's gone by and nothing's happened. Austin and this kid started shooting up a fucking school.

Oh, shit. For next week's episode, Jimmy Smith tells him he shot it up with your fucking gun, one of your guns. So it's going to be a good fucking season. Donald Logue is in there. Trying to be Martin Sheen in the fucking apocalypse now when he did the ass and I think he shoots heroin.

He's walking around naked. Fuck him. Fuck him. You know what I'm saying? I'm excited about New York. Listen, man. Here's how I feel. It's really funny how people who've grown up in an area

really tend not to like it. You know, they'll say to you, why do you want to go there I'm from there, there's nothing there I feel the same way about where I'm from at times but for me the real thing is the pain that I get reminded of when I walk off that fucking airport.

Really? It starts there. Once I'm breathing that air and I drive and I go see the high school and I get I start looking at those streets and I look at those fucking streets and I know that I walked every single one of those at least one time. Like I walked on one of those sidewalks

from 7th Street all the way up to 91st Street. I've walked, you know, looking to burglar eyes, thinking, you know, I used to just walk and kill time, walk and hide, you know, just... Are you going to go see your mom's grave? Absolutely. That's the first thing I do out of respect. I'm going to go visit our buddy that we shot the documentary. The flower guy?

The flower guy. Now, isn't it coming up, like, in a month or so, the anniversary of your mom passing away? November. Yeah. November. Every November, you know, I got a couple fucking anniversaries. I got dumb expitiality.

I got 17. I think of a couple different things. You know, this last week was a big Cuban religious. Oh, well, that's the sixth and the eighth. The big Cuban, the 24th is a big Cuban thing that has to do with me. So that Monday night I'm not allowed out. Okay. I got to stay home for the 24th.

I really celebrate them, too. I celebrate December 4th, December 17th. I celebrate January 7th. I celebrate everything that's Cuban. That's how I was raised. Is it Santeria or is it? No. It's Cuban.

Cuban. Cuban Christmas is the 25th, but it's really the 7th. They also celebrate January 7th. Okay. The other holidays are religious holidays that they celebrate in Cuban. I was raised on them. I was raised on not doing much. So I fucking enjoy it. I enjoy taking the thing off and talking some shit and just thinking. But those streets, that's what they remind me of. I mean, don't get me wrong. They remind me of a lot of fucking hysterical times. Hysterical, hysterical, you know, to the point where you're like, what the fuck? This is really. real living, but now it's differently. It really is going when I go back there. That's why I leave after three days, because after the third or fourth day, I start getting

confused. I start thinking to myself that maybe I could come back there and live my life, you know, but no, it just would fuck with me too much. Yeah, you don't think you could with when Mercy gets a little bit bigger moved to New Jersey or something. I fucking miss it. I can't lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you until you.

I enjoy it. You know, but I don't know if I can live with all that. That's just so much in your face. Yeah. You know, I'm way and beyond that. That's just too much. It's overwhelming for me at times to go to Hollywood at night. Because you live there?

No, because there's just too much going on. Oh, okay. It's just too much. It's too much. It's just, you know, there's buses and there's cars and there's horn. The phone's ringing. You know, it's like, it's fucking action, you know. I like the valley. I like the valley in a lot of ways.

It's not Hollywood. You know, you've got a fucking Hollywood this car is being by. You know, I go to visit my friend in Hollywood like twice a year. And I sit there at night with her, and it's fucking amazing what I hear. And when you move to the valley,

and it's quiet. It's quiet. You don't hear a fucking peep up in the valley. Like, there's nights I walk around my neighborhood just to take a walk, and it's fucking quiet. You know, you're not used to that shit. You go to Hollywood.

You hear fucking voices and people screaming and police sirens until 4 in the morning. That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay. That's just too much. You know, it's, I can live in Jersey, but I have to live in South Jersey. And North Bergen's North Jersey? North Bergen's right up.

Okay. That's where it's North Bergen. Oh, that's good point, yeah. It's right by, it's North Jersey. I can live South Jersey, which more of a community now, you know, it's a smaller. They have great food down there. I wouldn't miss nothing, but I don't know. I don't even want to live here no more.

I want to go fucking smaller. If I could find out what my next move is, Lee, it would bring me so much if I can hope. You can drive like two hours up north or something or just you don't want to be nowhere in your major city? I just see my wife working too hard with the kid and stuff and I want her to have family close by because it takes a lot of shit off of me. I'm not, you know, I have a lot on my mind.

My mind's racing through the daytime. You know, I live in my fucking disgusting head. So I just wish my wife would have more help, you know? That's it. She would have more. I feel like I have so much, but then I'm going to have nothing here. You know what I'm saying? Like I don't have an agent.

I don't go to auditions no more. I don't do shit no more. I get on a fucking plane on Wednesday nights. I go to fucking wherever I'm going. I come back on Sunday. I watch the kid Monday. I do the podcast. It's very...

I didn't know how much of a funny dutty I was until James came out to visit me for the do. My daughter's baptism. I did not know how much of a boring and lifestyle I leave. And people at home are like, oh, yeah, but you do this and that. besides that, I'm just trying to write jokes. I'm trying to write a book.

You know, and it's boring. It's fucking shit that you've got to sit and, you know, go to a coffee shop or some shit. It's not like I'm out of the bar, belly up, drinking tequila shots, talking about the fucking devil or nothing like that. You know, I haven't eaten the edibles this week either. Well, really? I got bags of them, too. Oh, and I was like, the way, you're funny, whenever you tell me I'm going to do edible, I never do them. It's when you sneak up on me at the ice house, and you're like, here, take this.

Thank you. Because I had garden in my brain on my garden. I'm going to have some caramel corn. I'm going to take a nap after. I'll be okay. And then, like, you don't do it. You come over and pick up the caramel corn if you want. No, I don't want to.

I'm not leaving the house. What are you going to eat all day? I have no idea. Are you going to order delivery? You're going to order Chinese? Probably. I don't know. It just, I haven't, I don't remember the last time I did nothing.

Because even though it's great, I've been dating this girl for two months this weekend. And she's been over every weekend, which I wouldn't. change, but I don't have I don't have time to like... For myself. Yeah. No, we all need that, man. You know, when I go home, I was going to stay with George and I'm like, George, you know what? I'm just going to stay at a hotel.

I like my hour alone. I like getting up and moving at my own pace and drinking. Yeah. You know what I got into doing now in the hotel room? I tell you how bad I am. I make coffee in the room. Oh, you don't go downstairs? No, why am I going to go downstairs? I want to take a shot. I like drinking fucking coffee and bad breath. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't want to brush my teeth

and drink fucking coffee. If I go downstairs, I got to brush my fucking teeth. Okay. So I stay in the room, right? And I fucking smoke the fake cigarette and I have a cup coffee. And then I take a shower and wash my pussy. I roll a joint. Then I go downstairs, have another cup, maybe a half a cup. Yeah. And smoke that morning fucking numb. And I'm good for the day. Yeah. It's funny because people, because we're going up to Portland at the end of the month. Oh, let me tell you something, bro. Yeah. When we go to Portland for that one night, you might OD. I might OD. Yeah. Because they smoke a lot of pot in Portland. Oh, no, I'm ready. And they're good fucking people.

Oh, no. We're going to have a great time. I'm excited. Let me tell you some. Portland's got this street where they have like these food things. Okay. Wait. Just wait for Thursday night.

We're going to have a blast. I can't wait. I can't wait for fucking Portland. For the podcast Thursday night, I can't get a hold of Pat because Pat's fight next week. Pat fights on the undercard. No, Pat fights on the main card of Jones Gusterson. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's next fucking Saturday.

Next Friday, we have a lot. podcast at the ice house. But the following Thursday, he just fights on Saturday. He's going to do our podcast that Thursday. That's exciting. So I'm hope everything fucking works out with my main man. No, it's going to be great.

The podcast is the least of my problems. I'm having a great time doing this. And I think that the TV and all the other work that slowed down, I just have to accept that the podcast is it now. Yeah. I just have to accept that the podcast is it. I'm having a great time working out doing my little workouts. Man, I had a great fucking time in Jiu-Jitsu Monday.

night. I went to the 9 o'clock class. I had a fucking great time, man. Yeah, you said you're doing better. You can go for like a full round now. I could breathe, you know, and I get sore the next day. I mean, I'm a fucking, you know, I got to realize I'm 50. I'm fucking 50. I'm not 20. I'm not going to do loop-ty-loops. I'm not going to get people in triangle, double fucking arm bars and all that shit. I just want to go in there. I do not want to fucking submit Pete. I just want to get ready. I just want to get my wind going. Like I said, it's improving my apnea. It could only be uphill from here.

It could only be uphill from here. But I had a great time. Yes, I had a great time. And, you know, it's getting to the point where I'm accepting going out every Thursday. What do you mean going on? I'm not going to Chicago. Chicago got canceled. Oh, okay.

It got canceled because of the, I got one of those dogs that saved Easter movies. So I start shooting down on the 30th. So when I come back from Portland that Saturday, that Sunday, that Monday, I started shooting the movie. Oh, okay. So I shoot four days the first week and like eight days, the same. second. I think I have eight days on it. Okay. And Dean Cane's only doing

the beginning and the end. I'm robbing something with Dean Kane's cousin or something like that. So yeah, but you know, listen man, I got to shoot movies from time to time just to keep me alive. These are the things agents don't get for me. These people get these on my own for me. And something like that, if you lived

anywhere else, you could come back for two weeks. Yeah, but unless you keep this apartment. No, no, but they wouldn't put you up. No. I'm barely getting paid. These fucking movies today, these aftersag movies today, they fucking barely pay you, dog. You know, I did a dinner room where I fly myself down now.

That's embarrassing. I did the longest yard. I was coming home every other fucking weekend. They were paying for it and shit. Now I got a fucking, yeah, man, it's changed a lot. It's not like at Houston. I'm no fucking star. I'm no fucking big shop.

I just go to shoot the fucking movie, you know? All right. Yeah, I'm going to go shoot a movie for a few weeks and just, I'm still going to go to San Francisco. still going to go to fucking, still going to have a great time in, uh, in Ontario. And then I'm also going to do Jackson, Tennessee. Oh, okay. Oh, you're doing the Ontario Improv?

Yeah. When's that? Three days. I think the middle of October. Me. Oh, shit. Matt Fultron. Oh, shit.

And motherfucking Di Agostini. Oh, shit. Yeah. You know, I don't fuck around, Doug. I love the Ontario Improv. No, I love the Ontario Improv. I love all this shit. I love doing what the fuck we do.

But, yeah, you know, today's September 11th. And I didn't know if I wanted to do this show today. Really? I wasn't going to bring it up. I said, fuck it. Who the fuck will we not to do his show? We're supposed to respect it. But not lay down for it.

We're fucking Americans. Yeah. Have you heard of Vine, the app, Vine? There's a bunch of idiots on there today who have tape over their mouths saying they're being silent for that. And I'm fine with respecting it. But no one, who, who, like, why? Isn't the big thing, don't let the terrorists win? Why are we not going to do a radio show, a podcast,

because of that happen? We should do it, and you talked about being an American at the beginning. Hey, listen, bro, we're fucking Americans, and we're all going to die. But it's on your fucking terms, whether you want dying your knees or dying your fucking feet. I'm not going to not do a fucking podcast today because of a tragedy that happened 13 years ago today.

I had friends that died in that. Did you really? Yeah, today they're doing it. They asked to call to see if I, come in an extra day so I could do the Chris Amaroso benefit, a kid that went to North Bergen High School that died. You know, those pictures that when the first videos came out

with you two and all, those people carrying people, that was Steve Avillo's brother. Anthony Avillo, they have him in one of the videos carrying people a Zapula. These are kids I went to school with. They're all Port Authority Police and New York fucking cops. So when that went down, you know, my friend Jimmy Burke, who died this last year,

his brother is a fucking window washer and the world trades on it. That guy, he's an outkely. He was drinking when the fucking plane hit. He was at the bar across the street at 9 o'clock having a fucking drink. I mean, I'm not putting humor to this, but what do you want the Americans to do?

To shut down everything today? It's a sad fucking day. But we're here to fucking get some laughs and make it happy and honor these people. That's all you can do is honor their fucking memories, and that's what we're here. I don't know all the names that died. I really don't. If I had the time, I'd say all 3,000. It's 3,000 people.

It's something like 3,000, but then someone put some... I read an article today that like 47,000 people have died. 47,000. No, no, 47,000 but for like all the wars that happened after it. I was like, fuck, 50,000 people, basically, because of one morning. I remember, I was in seventh grade

when it happened. I still remember. I was in seventh grade, and it was like a cold morning. I remember walking to the bus, and I remember they took us to the to the cafeteria to tell us. Oh, no, no, we were, no, yeah, they took us to the cafeteria to tell us. and you always feel bad, but I remember a test got delayed before they told us, so everyone was excited.

Like, oh, we didn't have to take this test right now. And then they came in, and they had, like, counselors come around to each table and say what had happened. And I must have been, like, 13 or 14 when it happened. No, maybe, like, maybe 12 now, if I'm 25, if that makes sense. But it was, yeah, I remember, I remember, like, it was a cold fall day, and people were, it was in Boston, because that's where two of the planes were. came from people. It was pretty intense the next couple weeks. You know, it's funny because I had just moved in with Terry. Oh, really?

You know, and I was sleeping. I was probably hung over from the night before. And she had the TV on, and she kept saying, oh, my God, oh, my God. And this is not even a joke. You know, like I said, when I found my mother on the floor, I said, thank God I don't have to tell about left back. You're not going to believe what I thought about when she said the towers got hit. Who was the Monday night game the night before? I can look. I have no idea. Giants. They lost.

Oh, really? Okay. I'm a big fan of Paul Mooney. Uh-huh. The comedian, right? And Paul Moody's always got, like, you know, stuff about anti-black. Like, if somebody's anti-black, he'll bring it up. And I had seen him three weeks early, and he was doing a bit about Barry Bond. Okay.

So he was doing watch. That little nigger ain't going to hit the home run. They ain't going to let that little nigger hit his home run, break that white boy's record. You know, Paul Mooney. So that was the week he was supposed to break the record. record. So I'll never forget. I'm laying in bed, right? I'm laying in bed, and I

hear, bam, and my wife's like, oh, my God, oh, my God, and I'm like, what, Terry? She goes, a plane just at the World Trade Center, oh, my God, there's going to be, and my wife was freaking at the time, my wife. We had just been together two years out of straying her out over the years, like, calm to fuck, that, and nobody. And she's like, I don't know. Look at it, going, what? And she

was, a plane just at the World Trade Center. And at that time, I thought it was, like, a guy on a plane. Like a sign behind them that said, like, fuck the Giants. Two things I thought about. I thought about, A, either some guy was so pissed about the Giants, he just took like a rotor plane and just crashed into the World Trade Center because I didn't watch.

I was thinking, or I go, these white motherfuckers, Paul Mooney was right. They did, they're going to crash the World Trade Center to stop baseball this week, so Barry Bonds can't hit that fucking home run, something like that. Did you ever tell him that? Who? Paul Mooney?

No, you never saw him. And then I turned around, and there was an airline plane, So I thought it was just crazy. You know, I didn't know what to think. And we all got dressed, Joe Rogan, all of us. We all met at Mike Faberman's house. And we got high all day. And Ralphie made a big, fucking bowl of gumbo that night.

And we went over there and watched what was going on and Jay Moore. And that was a long fucking time ago. You're right. That was a long, long fucking time ago. Yeah. And I'm being heartbroken because if anybody knows New York, listen, let's get something out of the way. and I hope I don't hurt nobody's feelings and I tell you this shit

and listen, when you look at me, when you listen to me, when you hear my feet walk with my pigeon-toed, I'm all New York City. I'm gonna say that to you again. I'm all in New York City. I'm not all of these wackadoos that was born in Schenectady

that had an aunt that lived in fucking white plains. I'm all in New York City. From the time I came off that fucking plane in 1966, I was on 205 West 808th for a while we lived in Union City. but those years taught me a lot about New York and then I grew up across the thing but New York was my playground

I'm a New York City kid I am a product of New York fucking city I knew Xenons I knew Studio 54 I knew all that shit do I talk about no because it doesn't matter I know the real grasp of New York City and like I told Ari Shafia there on the phone I go after Labor Day

this is what New York is about New York is not about April opening day you want to go to New York and have have a good time. You plan a trip from September to November. That's it. It's the best weather in the world. It's sunny out. Shit's cracking.

You're always going to have a good time. Something about that time of the year. It starts with the San Giro Festival, which is this week. Okay. And it goes straight. You know, opening football. It's just a great time of the year to be in fucking New York. The Yankees are in the playoffs. It's always, even though another Yankee fan, I'm not

saying that. What I'm saying to you people is, it's a great time of the year to be in New York. If anybody's going to be happy in New York, it's that time of the year. So when that plane hit, that's what killed me the most about that. The people dying, but that's the best time of the year in New York. And they knew it. And they took that away

from New Yorkers just for that fucking day. But that's why I woke up this morning, I thought it was going to be overwhelming on TV, and I'm happy it wasn't. New Yorkers aren't about staying down or about getting the fuck back up, just like Boston this year. Just like fucking Boston. Boston ain't no hoop-doop-to-doop-ty-duke-type

fucking city. They're not going to sit there with napkins and cry. No, they get fuck back up. That's how it's done. You get the fuck back up. And yeah, we honor and we never respect, we never forget but we move forward. Like I said today on fucking Facebook and Twitter. You could run down there and fuck one of them

or you could walk down there and fuck them all. They're all going to suck your dick. That's what it's all about, brother. That's what 9-11 is about. That's it. From now on, they're all going to suck our fucking dicks. And now you have to understand after 9-11 where Obama's coming from. He's trying to nip shit in the butt,

bro. Yeah? That's it. You got to stop them. If they were to stop Hitler and Munich, your uncle would have still been fucking shining shoes somewhere, right? You wouldn't have been to fucking... You wouldn't have been to fucking... You were in charge of video in fucking Washwitz. Oh, good.

That's terrible. I love that thing. That killed us that day. Like I said, you bad motherfuckers, do your thing. This is a great week. And also, not only do I give you fucking Dollar Shave Club, not only do we give you the fucking benefits of Hulu, we also got a great deal of fucking on it.

Just taking on it products has made me a fucking hell. I'm telling you right now, dog. I see it the other night with that fucking shroom tech. You call some of those jiu-jitsu guys. They'll even tell you, Joey, you're lasting long. I lasted the whole match. Even though I just sat on top of the guy and tried to get his arm, I lasted the whole five fucking minutes.

I'm learning to breathe. I'm relaxing. So, listen, that fucking shroom tech works if you're looking for some oxygen and some fucking gas in your gas tank. I wouldn't tell you something like this. I'm telling you a fucking sharpness. For sharpness, you want the fucking alpha brain. But if you want tank, you want gas in your tank, get that fucking, I'm telling you, you're running from here to fucking Shangola.

There ain't no stopping you. Your fucking sneakers will be worn out if you're a runner. Same thing with that fucking Shroom Tech sport. Same thing with the Shroom Tech immune. Look into these things. Read up about them. Mix and match them. Go to Onet.com.

Press in church. Yeah. Right? In the box on it. Get 10% off. Get put on their mail list. And this is only for vitamins. I'm only giving you a discount on fucking vitamins.

So go there. Try the Alpha Brain. Try the Hemp, fucking protein one time. Buy a jar of the protein, a jar of the shroom tech, and a sport, and try a fucking jar of the alpha brain.

You won't be fucking sorry. I'm telling you right now, Lee. This is it. We ain't got time to fuck around. No, we don't. In September, fucking 11th, and you're still at home. And yes, it is the fucking

the last quarter, because I don't go by quarters through taxing. And that's three times four. So I go January to April, May to fucking Joe. August and September to fucking December.

So don't fucking bust my balls. people. And guess what today? There's no shout-outs. I love all you guys. From Cleo to M.B. to Constantine, to my man, fucking Leon Delevego over there in Spain holding it down to my fucking Puerto Ricans. I love you's all. Debt Squad is in the house and full effectant. You understand me? This is the last quarter. We're going to fuck some motherfuckers up. What are you giggling about, Lee? I think you only did three of them.

You did what? I think you only did like a trimester. What? I don't know. I'm fucking stones. I smoke some more fucking refra. That's what you mean. Put some music on for these motherfuckers.

I smoke one more joint. And we'll wrap this up. It's fucking Thursday. You know, I love you to death, though. I do. And that's it. You know,

you're not even going to swim today. It's a nice day to swim. Maybe. You know, maybe I'll go down there. Put a little bikini on. What was the last time he put SPF number four on? Got some sun on that little juice skin. Never.

You know what I'm saying? Why don't you put some fucking number two on? Go get some sun. Sounds like a good idea. What are you going to eat for lunch? You got in the refrigerator. Nothing. Nothing.

So what are you going to eat? You're going to sit here and roll sticks. You're going to have to order delivery. What gets delivered over here? We'll deliver here. Probably everybody. I don't know. I have to go do laundry, so maybe I'll go grab something.

Where are you going to go do laundry? There's a laundry matter over in Burbank. They don't have laundry over here? They do, but fucking I don't want to spend all day doing it. So you're going to get in the car and do it? I'm going to go and drop it off and let them do it. And how much they charge you? $30 for all the stuff I need to do.

And they clean your underwear? They look at your skin marks. My underwear is a clean. They smell your little juteaus and shit. Cog sucker. They probably smell like a fucking everything bagel. I would love it. My sweats smelled like everything bagel.

I'm telling you, my sweat smells like bacon. I don't even eat that much fucking bacon. I don't know why my sweat smells like fucking bacon. Look at this joint. It looks all fucked up. I've got to get my life together. And that's it, brother. It's been another fun-filled fucking week.

So you're in New York this week? Mm-hmm. Then we're at the Ice House? Next Friday, the 20th. Eighth clock show, it's fucking perfect. I love it. And then the next weekend after that port? What's with the questions?

Relax with the questions. Fuck you. You got me high. I'm going to ask questions. Goddame. I want to watch that whole Russell brand thing. That's hysterical. Come here.

You got to get questions. You're going to follow me home. We're going to give you some medals. Go put some shorts on. It's all over. I have shorts. Those are the shorts you're wearing out. You're like a fucking genie that grew six inches.

Fucking guys. I got to deal with. I love you people. you people are the fucking solid motherfuckers ever we're here smoking this last number it's the afternoon

I don't even know what the fuck's going on today we just got together to talk a little bit and make your day a little bit better it's September 11th you know everybody's walking around with an American flag

we've got to put a Puerto Rican flag be original you want to more you don't let me smoke this like a fucking orphan I don't know if I can have any more I don't know if I can't have any more.

One more for Uncle Joe. All right. One more here. I'll do a couple jumping jacks. I'm gonna call it a day. Okay. It's still early.

You have nothing. Nothing. It's always this Christmas and what have you done? Take any of that fucking motherfucker right there. I don't put a hem in your toe. That's a great radio.

Fuck. Nobody's saying dick. We love you guys. Have a great fucking weekend. We'll be back Monday. Tremendous podcast next week. We got a great guest.

We got a live podcast next week. And it don't stop, bitches. Again, this weekend, New York, Friday at 13th, Saturday the 14th. Get your shit together. Get your tickets. Do what you need to do? Lee, where are you at this weekend? Your home eating ass?

Yeah, I'm home eating. Like a savage. I like it. Tomollies on Saturday. Tomollies on Saturday. Have a great weekend. We love you. Stay black and stay beautiful.

That's the most important thing. Omit. Hulu Plus. and fucking Dollar Shave Club, we love you. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet.

Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joeydiaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shave Club.com. You'll get high-quality raises sense to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. We love these guys and you will too, and thanks to Mike for coming on.

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