The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/16/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #112

Episode Date: September 17, 2013

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That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. or just go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Oh shit. Oh, motherfucking shit. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. That's right, cock suck. There's Uncle Joey here. The church of what's happening now.

Monday, September 16th. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You know what I'm saying? that's only better dropping it on you. Who who... What the fuck? It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive.

Get up. Wash your feet, wash your ass, grease your hair. Put a cut tip in your ear. Clean that fucking wax out. You can't listen. You can't fucking speak. You know what I'm saying?

It's a beautiful day. Get up. What's the story? Lysayat, you bad, motherfucker. It's a right. A great weekend. But let's forget.

You had a great weekend. Let's talk about you. Listen, man. It's a fucking beautiful day. That's all I got to say. What happened with you this weekend? Did you just lay down? Did you get the robe your cuts out?

No, I'm not fucking kidding. You can't walk around naked like a fucking stru. No, I put underwear on and do stuff. So you walk around with boxer short time? Yeah. That's it, no shirt, looking like fucking Hercules? Yeah. You got to put the robe on.

You let the little Jew hairs come out of the chest. We'll get you a little metal with a fucking diamond star, like a Jewish diamond like that. It's fucking Yomka, boy. You got to live with that. Cupcocksucker. Why don't you have a robe with a fucking Jewish star on it? That's class.

Maybe I should. That's class. That's class. That's class. I can't. My dad had a robe, so every time I think of a robe, I think of his. When you think of a robe, you got an associate with slinging dick. Because that's what you do. You sling dick. You little mustache. You trimmed it this weekend.

You're like a fucking Jewish pepillar pew. I don't have it. I don't know. That's all. You tighten it up. It's all skinny. and shit. You got one of those fucking Pepe de Pue mustache. You got a part-time job with her compadre playing the guitar. Oh, fuck, I'm high already.

I know you're fucking high. That's what Mondays are for. What do you think Mondays are four? To sit around sober and look at ugly people? Fuck, no. It's the smoke reef or write your goals. Get up. Cut your toenails. Shit like that. You know what I'm saying? You can't cut your toenails if you're ain't high. You would try to cut your toenails so, but don't work.

Yes, it does. You got to grab your foot and bite it and fucking suck on the toe and cut the fucking thing. You know, Jesus Christ. Everything, all right, brother, you're looking good. I did. I did. I did.

Everybody asked about you in New York, the Yamika brothers, the Jews. The Yamaka brothers? Let me tell you something. Let's get this out of the way. And I've told this to be, you know, I love going back on the road. I'm having a great time meeting people, whether it's Utah, Lexington, Kentucky, or fucking, you know, Philadelphia. I'm having a great time. But this week in New York was the epitome.

Like, it was the, it was just, you know. Listen, when you talk to New Yorkers, most New Yorkers, they brag. They let you know within the first three minutes they're from New York. They got to mention Brooklyn or some stupidity or a fucking bagel or a pizza. And at the end of the day, that's not what New York is about. I don't know what New York is about. But I know that when you're there, you feel it. Do you understand me?

I don't know what New York is about. It's not about a bagelow, it's not about a pizza. Not about getting mugged. Oh, my God. I had this scungilium lily and little lilly. It's not about none of that shit. shit, but there's something there when you get there that you

feel it. And let me tell you something. I got there Thursday. You know, I stayed in Jersey. I went over to Ardy Lang. It was great fucking seeing Ardi. I had to see my family. It would suck. I didn't go to the palm to see my man, Anthony Spino, who sent you a fucking $50 gift certificate to a card palm.

Thank you, Anthony. And a fucking picture of Diane Sawyer autographed for me that I have been staring at for the last fucking two days. She's beautiful, Diane Sawyer. And I fucking love it. Every time I think of her, I look at the news, I think a liking off and listening to Al Jazeera or something like that.

You know what I'm saying? But just, we got there early, and there was a parking spot, maybe 20 feet from the door, and we got out there, and, you know, it was a friend of mine, Frank Jansen, who I played basketball, went and lived around the corner, and his wife, and it was me and Georgia, the guy who gave the cookie to his grandma, and Lisa McSena, the girl that was in the documentary

who I also grew up with. We went over together. And they offered me a car and all this shit. I was like, you know what, I'm home. I just want to go home. You know, you just want to go home. I don't want to be in a fucking Cadillac with some fucking guy driving.

I just want to see my friends and my family. So I went over. I got out of the car Friday night. And, you know, next thing you know, people come over, hey, can we take a picture? And I don't like taking pictures after the show. Yeah. You know, because once you get them too personal,

then the shock goes, it goes away. So I have a rule pictures after the show. and people came home and I explained to them. Then people started taking our joints. I started taking our Cheebo Chews. We started eating, nipping. Chibbo shoes? You had multiple?

Oh, I had bags. So, next thing, you know, there's 60, 70 people. 80 people. On the street corner. On the street corner. On 23rd Street or whatever the fuck Gotham is. And next thing, you know, I mean, we're out there, and it's a fucking family. It's a bunch of 25-year-olds.

I'm 50, but I felt like for a minute I was in high school again. The people I was looking at that were with me, like Denny Bionculo and all that. The people who knew me kept looking at me with this look like, what the fuck is this? And then I just play it. And then I just turned into this, you know, there's some Chinese kid opened up a window with La Trell Spreewell shirt on and this is what he got. This was it. It was just amazing.

Only in New York. I feel like crying. I feel like fucking crying. Why? It was that much an amazing feeling. You know what that cost to do? Nothing. It was just a bunch of guys crazy on a Friday fucking night talking all of us.

There wasn't nothing about money. There wasn't about limos. It wasn't about being a celebrity. It was just us being fucking us, which is Dead Squad. Whatever the fuck we are. That's it. That's it. Play that again.

I want you. It just takes you somewhere. People smoking joints, people taking pictures, they're making YouTube videos, this is one of them. That's a fucking crowd, people. That's what I'm talking about. And this is before the fucking show. Like, I fucking hate getting there sometimes early and seeing people. That's what got me fired up.

It was them. And then I went inside and it was a great fucking show. The MC was great. The feature was great. If you ever been, you've been to Gotham before. It's a fucking club. It's a club. It was sold out Friday night.

Saturday, same fucking thing. Before there was thousands of people. I ate a 500 milligram brownie. I split between me, George, Virgil Arenas, and fucking Mike Ronnie. And we ate this fucking thing. And Kelly Runny, my niece, we ate this fucking thing. I was stoned on stage. I got the 35-minute mark.

When I got off stage, you should have seen my brother Mike Went. I haven't seen Mike in 10 years, 11 years. years. That's a guy I moved in with, you know, we always talk about Michael. He called them, we threw the hooker out of the car and shit. But it was just the whole weekend. Usually when I go to New York, I get off this plane and I land. And as soon as I hit North Bergen, I get this uneasy feeling. And for a long time, I didn't know what it was. And I'm supposed to get an uneasy feeling. It's like when anybody fucking goes home, you just get that uneasy feeling. It opens up a complete Pandora's

box that you've put away for fucking whatever long you went away for. That's what when you go home, you don't like it no more, because it's out of your comfort zone anymore. Going home is out of your comfort zone. You live out here. I've been gone for 30 fucking years, but every time I go back and get those same feelings

as soon as the fucking car hits North Bergen, and I stayed downtown next of the days in where we were. So I stayed up the corner from my grandma school and where I grew up. I mean, the first morning, my friend Bobby came to pick me up, and I said, Listen, Bob, I got to do something. He goes, there's something I could do for you.

I said, you know what, I got to go pick up flowers. We went to the buddy. I gave the weed to, he didn't open the door. Oh, he didn't? No. He didn't. I don't even know if he was upstairs. Oh.

He was passed out. So he went up to Union City and I got this beautiful bouquet of flowers. I went to the fucking cemetery and dug up a little stance, and somebody stole my mother's candle, those cock suckers. But I planted some flowers, and Bobby took pictures, and I took some pictures myself. Fucking beautiful bouquet of flowers with yellow and reds and blues. It was just fucking beautiful.

From now, I went to Chance dragging in on Friday with George, you know. Got some shrimp and lobster sauce. Fucking amazing. Pork fried rice. Got an order of small spare ribs and got an egg roll. Fucking amazing. Just took me back. You know, Artie Lang was great.

Saturday went there. Went to get some Cuban food. You know, went to a met up with Carmine and put Pistol Pete. Oh, really? And let me tell you something. That was fucking anxiety, Ville. Why? Because Carmine is 70 years old

And he's still tough As fucking hell And the waiter was breaking his balls Or he was breaking the weight of his balls And I sat inside the booth Yeah And I'd eaten a Cheebo chute Like a hybrid of 70 milligram

And then I was just starting to kick in And I was feeling uneasy And I was getting fucking anxiety And it was Friday night It was before that show Once I got to New York It was just It really was something else man

Just the crowds But going home in general, I mean, it's, you know, home for me wasn't a home like you guys. You guys graduated high school and you probably went to college. And so when you go home, you know, when I go home, I think about all the bad things. I fucking did. You know, when I'm driving, I look at all those streets and I go, oh, you know, I robbed that house. I robbed that house. You know, I fucking hit some guy there.

You always... You don't think about the positive stuff? What was the positive? All your friends. That's true. Yeah, I saw loops. Yeah. Oh, how's he doing?

I gave him a fucking Cheebo Chew. Oh, no. He called me back that night. Die, even the thoughts in my head are stuttering. He called me and loved him. I gave some to my man ask. Fucking rain like a motherfucker. I gave him to Mike Ronnie.

I mean, it was usually when I go home, I want to get on a plane. I'm the way home back. I can't wait to get on the plane. Not this time. Well, it's quick. You like quick trips. Yeah, but this time really hit home. It really hit home.

home of what I was thinking lately. I'm trying to write that book and I'm trying to dig into that part of my life. I went by the Bender's house. I saw their house. I saw Carmine's house where he shut the guy seven times. You know, I saw my old house. I walked up my block. I walked down my old block just to breathe that air. You know, I asked Bobby, can we park and let me walk a little bit? And I walked up and down. I walked around the corner. And it was just amazing. I got my balls back in the way. Like sometimes you're like, you know, you sniff. And I saw things that reminding me a little things, you know. I still get that fucking uneasy feeling

when I walk in front of my house, though. Really? It's the worst feeling in the world. Yeah, and I'm a cunt hair away from knocking on the fucking door. We spoke to those older Spanish couple things next door or whatever. It's still. I'm still,

when I get the, when I walk past that house, I get this feeling like it's just, I don't even know. It's not like a fear feeling or a scary feeling or like I want a cry feeling it's just a feeling and it's on an easy feeling but in a way I don't know I mean I I I'm my mom didn't die in my old house but my mom moved out of the house I grew up in and when I'm when I've driven by it like they painted it now it's different so it's like I get that feeling too I think it's just weird because you grew up there but I was think like it's

definitely cheaper to stay in Jersey but like you make you make a choice to stay in that area And your friends could always meet you in New York City. So do you think in some way, like, you, I mean, it's always weird, but it feels good to be back home? It's, uh... Because you could stay in another New Jersey City. No, no, no, I could have fucking stayed, listen. I could, they wanted me to stay in the city, right by the hotel there, right by the

comedy club, and I wanted to, because Marcelo Garcia's schools over there and the whole thing. And then I started thinking about how much, what do I do in the city now? 20 years ago, I knew the city. I don't know that city no more. I don't know it at all. It's a complete different fucking place. They wanted $2.69 a night to stay in the city. They wanted $2.49 to stay in Jersey and wee hawking.

Yeah, and I got to take on a ferry over, and at the end of the game, I didn't want none of that possessed. So I chose the holiday Inexpress where I would get breakfast in the morning, plus I get a fucking computer. I get great Wi-Fi in the fucking room for my iPhone. You know, Lee, sometimes you just want to take a fucking breather. And I'd rather do that and stay close to where I'm front. than to have my buddies have to go 20 more minutes out of their way to We York and

or for me to have to take a shuttle over, my buddies have to come pick me up on the other side of the bridge. I was there. I live in L.A. I get enough fucking traffic here. You know that for some reasons when I leave here Monday? It's a half-hour traffic to get home. Is it really?

Yeah. You know, I live here. And I have what are I full of you? Seven fucking minutes. But, you know, you get sick and tired of traveling. You get sick and tired of getting a car going across. 20 minutes in traffic the bridge. All I had to do was be in New York two times.

That's it. Three times and three nights. It's not like I had to be there 60% of the time and the daytime. I got to relax. I got to write a little bit. You know, I didn't work out the three days I was there. I walked out a little yesterday. I walked around, though.

You know, I walked around, and those are all hills. You know, it's funny how I just did a thing on my heart about a month ago. And the doctor's like, God damn, you know, your blood pressure is high. and you're heavy, but your heart is so strong. And I couldn't understand what he meant. And then I went home. I looked at 46th Street. And I saw that fucking hill.

That fucking hill on 46th Street, not the one by the cemetery. I walked up that hill twice a fucking day. You know, or 38th Street. I come from the second hillyest city in the fucking country behind San Francisco. That's why my heart is so fucking strong. Because that whole city is a fucking hill.

I live down the hill. And so all that shit was pretty neat. Seeing my grandma school, you know, falling apart and shit, seeing the high school. I didn't go to the high school in the school in the school in the school. Why not? Because I only had Friday, and I just ran out of fucking time on Friday, you know. It's, you know, you have this time, but you don't. You know, you have all this time, but you really don't.

You know, I could call you and go, I'm going to go over there and spend an hour with Lee. How can I spend an hour with Lee? I haven't seen him a year. The hour becomes whatever it is, two and a half hours. We're talking, you know. So you run out of fucking time, you know. Look at my buddies. They invited me to Ruth Chris on the water.

And they go, we're just going to go and come back. I ended up going to a kid's birthday party with George. I went to George's daughter's birthday party. Oh, the little one? Yeah, little girl. Oh, nice. She's fucking 11, you know. George is my fucking brother.

You know, and I always make this big commotion every time George comes here. You know, he comes to San Diego, and I get pissed. because I might have to pick him up. You know what, man? I got to grow the fuck up and stop it. There's nobody who loves me more in this world than that fucking George kid. Lisa Messina called me last night.

She goes, you're on stage laughing. I was looking at George's face. He's fucking so happy for you. He's so happy that you put to work and he told me. And I got to realize the things, you're right. I got to realize the positive things I have there.

Just to see Mike and his wife. Just to see Bobby Bender, who I've known since we were fucking kids, You know, his mother-in-law I hit on when I was 14 and she, you know, that's how long I know Bobby Benning and we drove by and I go, Bobby, that's where I used to stand

and stake out your mother-in-law. We were fucking howling, howling. I go, she used to wear hot pants and I'd wear that one night I touched her behind the hot pants and she asked me for a fucking kiss. I asked her for a kiss and I went home and jerked off

for the fucking times. But it's just going home, you know, I remember a lot of little things. I remember walking those streets and being fucking scared and confused, but walking around like a tough guy, keeping it together, but deep down inside being broken. You know, I remember getting up early in the morning and just walking, walking until I saw an opening, until I saw somebody leaving the house, or I saw somebody away from where they stood and I realized they had drugs and money and I grew up at them and I try to rob them, you know? Just walking around,

killing time. I used to walk to kill them. Like, let's say the night before I spent the night at Lee's house and Lee had to go to work at 8. I'd brush my teeth, get shower, and I'd walk for three or four hours just until I had to meet somebody else until lunchtime. If I had a half a joint and a walkman, that was even better. At least I could listen to music and walk around and smoke pot and mind fuck myself of being a kingpin. In those days, I had no goals. I had no aspirations. I wanted to make my money through selling drugs when I thought my stepfather was going to give me half my mother's money.

So I was just going to be a big, I was going to buy a Mercedes and drive around and people are going to fucking light my cigarettes, but then work out like that, you know, so it's just, no, it really is. Walking those, that's what, that's what the worst feeling about being there. Even when I stood by my mother's grave and I looked on the street, you know, how many times I walked up that hill, you know, past my mother's grave and I would say to her, you know, to watch me today, you know, as I was walking up the hill, like a while, me today you know today might be my last day really yeah because I didn't know I

was I didn't fucking know man I just didn't fucking know you know it's great to be young because you have all this in front of you but at times the thing about being young is not having something going on and being scared and not knowing where your life is going and what your direction is going because even when you're taking fucking classes you're still going what the fuck is the purpose of this shit you ask yourself every time you have a big assignment you're cracking a something. You're like, what is the purpose? What am I going to do with this? And you open up the paper to see what's out there, but you know, this is what you've got to do. So you go, fuck it, I'll stick it out,

you know? But it's just so weird how scared you really are when you're 21 and 23 and going to college. And I wasn't, I had nothing going on. Lee, I can't imagine being 20 and having nothing going on. And I didn't want nothing to go on. Like, I didn't want to have a life. I didn't want to have nothing. I just wanted to fucking do drugs and be a kingpin and fucking walk around and buy drinks with people like a fucking jerk off. For what? At the end of the day, for what fucking Lee? You know what I'm saying, brother? I know what you're saying. What's going on? It's Monday to

16th of fucking September, and we're here. We're here? What else? Where did you eat this week? I know you ate somewhere, cock sucker. Saturday night you eat sushi. Did she eat? No, she tried sushi last week and she, uh, let's see, where do we eat? She don't like the sushi last week. No, she liked it. She never had it before, but I don't get stuff that's scary. I get a little bit of tuna,

a little bit of shrimp. She tried that. She liked it. No, we just saw a movie. Like, it's weird. What movie did you watch? Fucking insidious, too, and I hate scary movies. How bad was it?

It was good. It scared me. It wasn't as scary as some other movies, but I don't know. I tell you what movie I watched this weekend. What one? And I got to tell you, when people are going to hate me for saying this? I know you saw this movie because you're a sucker, too. I watched this movie in the whole time,

and I couldn't believe how bad it was. Which one? I really couldn't fucking believe. how bad it was. I really couldn't fucking believe how bad it was comically. And if somebody really thinks that's a great movie, I hope you fucking

shoot yourself. And I shouldn't say that. No, don't shoot yourself. I love you the debt. I just want you to email me and we're fucking going to talk this out. I hope I don't like this movie. It's the movie with Zach Gallafenakis and Will Fowell where they're going to run for president. Campaign. I watched that in my room.

I gave that an hour and 15 minutes of my life, but I'm never going to get fucking back. Listen, I've had bad fucking days in my life. We all have, okay? Comically, fucking working, working out, whatever the fuck it is. That was a nightmare.

That was fucking bad. And it should have been great. That was fucking bad. And you know what really kills me? Let me tell you what really destroys me. What? That if I said half the things Zach Alifanaka

said, I would be fucking hated. He says some fucking crazy things. Do you know the land? I never said this on the podcast. I'm going to tell you what happened in D.C. I'm going to tell you what happened in Philly. Even in those heavy fucking, you know,

politically and socially incorrect, I don't know what the word to describe here. Politically correct? Correct. Yeah. Places. People came up to me after the show and said, we don't like when you use the word retarded and stuff like that.

And the movie fucking hangover. This white kid says, Retardo. Yeah. And nobody ever blinked. Nobody ever blink. Biggest movie of the fucking summer. Not one retard group

raised their hand and said, you know, I didn't like when Zach said that. Did you ever think of that? Yeah, it's kind of weird. It's kind of weird. That some people could say something and people star can say, oh my God, Zach said a retardant.

It was so funny. Do you understand me? In the same, he said some shit in this movie that I sat there going, wow. The movie is so fucking bad, guys. And if this is your comedy geniuses, that this is it, this is your movie. Like, wow, that movie was fucking funny.

I don't know what the fuck to tell you. It hurts my fucking feelings. And I'm a Will Farrow fucking man. I'm a Will Farrow dog. I've always been a Will Ferrell. Even when I hated Saturday Live, I've always loved Will Farrow. That movie back at the fucking Roxy.

That's one of my all-time fucking favorites. One of my all-time fucking favorites. There's a couple, Wolfram. I didn't like the basketball one. That was terrible. I just saw that for the first time. I didn't like the basketball. basketball wasn't really bad.

But I mean, you know, when Zach and this guy make a movie together, you expect something. You expect something. It was fucking horrendously fucking bad, bro. And I love them both. I don't know how people call me and hit me and say, you should go see that fucking movie. I don't know what the fuck you people have grown up on.

I really don't fucking know. No, that... Wolfaro kind of does better in smaller roles. It seems like he... Whenever he does the brother's movies fucking great. Dalenega Nights isn't bad. Talladega fucking Knights, I like, you know. He won't have one of Anchorman, Elf, Talladega Nights,

The Blades of Glory is okay. I don't like that one? You don't like that one? That's when it started going downhill for me. That one, I think. Yeah, yeah, you're right. That's it. And I love them.

For all that cowbell shuns and that live, I love all that shit. I love all that shit, though. That's my world. So I don't want nobody to hit me up and go, Joey Weld. No, no, no, no. I love Will Files. That was a bad movie. Jesus fucking Christ.

And I tried watching. I'm like, thank God. It's on. Oh, my God. I'm going to watch it. It got worse and worse. And the fat chick in the movie that was with Will Farrell and just his dad and them yelling and him. Oh, God.

I'm like, why am I watching this shit? I put golf on. Now, have you ever seen Ted? Because I know you like Family Guy. I didn't like it. I don't know what the fuss is. I watched it with my wife at 35 minutes. We looked at each other.

Everyone I know from Boston loves it. I watch it this weekend. I find it so fucking funny. You like family guy? You should like that show. That movie. Cocksuck. Hey, come smoke some herb.

Oh, fuck, I'm already so high. That's what you're supposed to do. It's fucking Monday. Get up. Alpha brains. Do you even do jumping jacks today? I'll do them right now. Let me see.

Let me see. 10 jumping jacks. A cocksucker. One, two, look at you looking good. Three, four, five. Look at them. Oh, shit. Eight, nine.

You're a savage. Look at them. sexy. Lee's going to start juicing again. That's it. He's going back to kelp and celery sticks.

It's over. No more. Enchalada's on the weekend. He's been living good here in the living room, him and the wife throwing grapes and cookies in their mouths and shit. Party's over for a while.

Yeah, fucking lie. No, it's been fun. It's been fun spending time with it on the weekends. I love you. I love it. You're just a pep and heat. A freak without warning.

Your appetite for sex makes me so horny. Me so horny. Me so horny. What's up, you bad motherfucker? I was thinking about something the other day, and I thought of you. What were you thinking about? Because you always get mad at people with a BMW3 series and stuff like that. I get mad at BMWs when they do the speed limit.

Or they do below the speed limit. That's when I get mad at BMW, especially if it's over a 5 series. Speed it up. Get the fuck into what we're doing. What did you get a BMW for? Do 10 miles an hour. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, wave at people. That's what you want.

That's what you sell it on. Well, you don't know until you get the BMW, the German engineering. Well, then step on the cock suck. Why am I standing behind you in the fucking left-hand lane doing 50 fucking five? Why? But the reason why I thought of it is you don't live a very extravagant life, really. Like, you're starting to make money and you could. You could probably buy a nicer car or stuff like that.

But, like, the thing I felt bad for a few minutes is because I, like, I shouldn't like, you shouldn't care about the nicer stuff, but I was sitting in my car in traffic and I saw an Audi, I was like, oh shit, that'd be nice to get from my next car? And now that I'm living here, like, I'm, I went to, like, I just said, I went to a nice sushi place with the girl. I get stuff if I want it.

And it, it feels, like, I feel kind of guilty about it almost. Like, I shouldn't, like, that shouldn't matter. But, and it doesn't matter, but it kind of does. And I felt guilty about wanting that stuff. You're in America. Yeah. The beautiful thing about America is if you work, you can make money.

And if you make money, you can spend it on whatever toys or whatever the fuck you like. And whatever the fuck makes you feel better. There's people in this country that are raised to have things and to let everybody know about them, you know, whatever, or trips

or whatever the fuck it is. I've been very fortunate. I had money growing up, my mother, and then it shut down. And for 30 years, I lived from hand to fucking mouth. We all do it. America, you know. There's a lot of rich people, but there's a lot of people. I live from hand to mouth because I chose because I had an addiction. Okay, the addiction ate up all my money, plus stop me

from making other money. You shut down, you know, you shut down. And I still made money with the addiction. I booked movies. I did the whole fucking deal. That's not what I'm getting that. For me in my life, brother, I like nice things, but I like nice things for the wrong reasons. I don't want to buy a car to impress you. I don't ever want to do something to impress you. And when I mean you, Lee, I don't mean you, Lisa. I understand. I mean Joe, my fucking neighbor.

I don't ever want to sit here and tell you people about my trip to Hawaii or to brag about this or whatever. That's not me. I can't go on vacation because I can't focus for 10 fucking days. I couldn't sit in a fucking thing watching some chick hula hula drinking pineapple juice when I know that shit's going down here, you know? You know what? I could probably go fucking get a BMW.

whatever, I want a Cadillac. I'm gonna get a Cadillac in the next few weeks. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm gonna get a fucking Cali-A. Look at you. You know, I'm gonna fucking American. I'm gonna fucking Cadillac. Okay, when I came to this country,

if you had a fucking Cadillac, you were a fucking American. If you had a Buick, that was success. All of a sudden, now, you gotta be a... I'm gonna get a Cadillac. That's what Cubans get. They get Cadillac's. In 195, there was more Cadillacs in Cuba

than when they were in the fucking United States. You know why? Because that's American fucking class. A Cadillac is fucking class That's what That's what Calac means Being white Slinging dick

And having fucking class And that's all you fucking need You know, I don't need a $300,000 car To let you know what I'm thinking A feeling and fucking side I never understood that Yeah I could wear a fucking $10 pair of jeans

You never see me with a pair of jeans With a pocket in the fucking back To impress nobody I'm not here to impress no body I'm not here to impress no body That's your fucking sale I never had to do it when I was 20 I never had to do when I was 30

I never had to do it when I was 40 And I'm not going to do it they're fucking 50. People in this country live to impress everybody. How can you sit there and tell me that movie is a good movie? Because you got 80 your little jerk off buddies that are sitting there with you and God forbid you're not part of a fucking click. God forbid in this country

you leave the house now and you don't have a cup of fucking Starbucks in your hand. Can you imagine that? God fucking forbid. Or you have like 7-11 and that's the wrong cup. You know? Yeah, that's the wrong cup. God forbid you don't have certain fucking things in this country anymore. You know?

I would still not have a fucking phone. I wouldn't have a fucking phone, but it's necessary. It really isn't, and I had a pager for years. Did you not hear Joe Rogan tell you what the fuckers? I had a pager for fucking years. You know, guys, you can live your life however you fucking want it. I just feel that sometimes people live their lives for other people, to let other people know the things they have and whatever.

I hate all that shit. Oh, yeah. You know? Oh, and I would never, like, I would never, like, try to do it to make... It's not for other people, it's for me, but even with the new iPhone coming up, they just announced it last week, and it comes out, like, at the end of this week.

I'm going to get it because my phone's dying But like why can't I buy a different phone And then it's like to have an iPhone It's sort of like people look weird at you if you don't And like the car I have now Is as nice as any car that my parents had Like my parents, we grew up in a nicer town But we we weren't at the high

Like people have made millions in my town And my dad did great but it wasn't Like the car I have now is the same But like it's a lot of it. You got emotional when he said you were getting a Cadillac. Like, if I ever got... That's a success for me. A Cadillac.

That's what my mother said. A Cadillac. I don't think that... I just... Lee, it eats me up. What a nation of sheep we've become. We all have to be the same. We all have to be the same, man.

Oh, it just ain't the same. The fucking tattoo business... God forbid you don't have a fucking tattoo today. God forbid you don't have a fucking goat tea. You're not bald or whatever the fuck today. God... You know, God forbid, you don't have a fucking tattoo today. And it's like, I think we're forgetting who the fuck we are.

You forget who the fuck we are. You know, that's why I'm happy I went home. You know, you can't put a silk hat on a pig. I'm a fucking pig. I've always known who the fuck I am. And I tell people sometimes, I explain to him, you know, I'm a fucking savage man. You do know I'm going to have. I don't give a fuck about that shit.

You do know that. I could lie to you or I could pull you aside like a man and go, what's wrong with you? The fuck is wrong. I don't give a fuck about that shit. You know what I really don't. This is what matters to me, you know? But like I said, that's what makes it special, that we each different.

I just don't ever want to have to live my life to show somebody that I'm making money or valet parking. You know, somebody once told me that image was everything in L.A. Well, if image was everything, I'm going to be a nothing because I'm not going to give you the image that you want. I'm going to be for a long time I did that, bro. When I first got to hear, I was worried about the industry. And the whole time I'm on Coke and the whole time I've got to realize that I am what I am. You know, I told somebody a statement back home, the Spanish kid I grew up with, we went to lunch and we were talking about another friend of mine.

And I explained to him that in my hometown in New Jersey, North Bergen, they're very nice. And people are very nice to me growing up. But at the end of the day, I always be a spick there. Just the way life is, it'll always be a spick there. And as long as you, as soon as you find that out, it's going to make your life a lot fucking easier. I hated my uncle for years. I hated Lazaro for years. And it took me 20 years to realize I hated him because he woke me up.

He made me realize that the world didn't owe me a fucking living. You know, I walked around at 21 and 22. I'm this one son. This is what happened to me. Woe is me. The world owes me a fucking living. No, it don't. I hated when I found that out.

If Lee would have told me, I wouldn't have been mad at Lee. But since my uncle told me, and he loved me and he was supposed to care for me, and he told me the truth about life, I got maddened for 20 years. And that's the truth. The world don't owe you a fucking living. You know, we gotta make our own fucking dough. And it's so weird how everybody lives for everybody else now. You know, I hang out with certain people sometimes,

and they talk about money. It drives me fucking crazily. Just, you know, you don't have to tell me you had a first-class ticket to come here. All you have to do is tell me you flew here. That's it. You know, tell me about you had this, you had that. I think we get caught up in that. I stayed in this, you know, and I love it.

I love going back to who the fuck I am. I would hate to stray the fuck away from who I am. Like I said, when I first got here, between the blow, I took a lot of shit from people because I was on blow. And God forbid if you blew that in my little circle. God forbid if I couldn't be home by 8 o'clock at night doing a line of Coke. God forbidly. God forbid that you blew.

So I would live my life not smacking you in the mouth for saying something to me just because I knew you would put me in jail and throw me off for four or five or six days. you know what I'm saying and then one day when I like three or four months before I got off the Coke that came to me that before I did the code before I got into comedy

before I became an actor I was a man so I have to act like a fucking man you know what I'm saying I still have to act like a fucking man these people I walk around with nine out of ten times in LA they're not fucking men that's why when I go home I enjoy going home because I'm around men again

men they live their life their fucking way they don't give a fuck with this guy says or this agent or they're scared not to say this or not give you an answer not looking the eye I went back to what men are you know and that's always a fucking nice circle for me you know what I'm saying that's great yeah okay and because you said when I went back to North Bergen with you we went to Joan Ronnie's house and Joan is great um but she she lives in the and it's not a bad apartment but it's no projects it's a project North Bergen projects but they've done them up it's nice project but the thing you said to me when we left

you said if I moved back here this is where I live yeah So it's weird. Do you ever feel guilty like Jones there and you're here? Like I shouldn't get the Cadillac or something like? No, I worked hard for this. I worked hard. I work hard. I get up twice a week and do this. I get up on Thursdays and fly and I write jokes and I go to a coffee shop and I put effort into this. You know, for years I didn't realize why nobody came to see me. How much effort did I put into it?

Now that people come to see me, I got to put effort. I got to be prepared. I got to be rested. I can't be fucked up on stage. A couple weeks ago, somebody wrote a fucking remark on Facebook that Twitter, that, you know, Joey, you were too high when you got on stage. You didn't hit the mark at the theater in Wisconsin. Thank God Joe Rogan was there. You know, I could have smacked that fucking guy.

But what he didn't understand was in those theaters, my timing is off. That's number one. I'm not making an excuse for myself. My timing is really off in those theaters. And number two, I go out there cold. There ain't nobody in front of me. Oh, you're over? Yeah, I'm the first fucking savage you see.

So a lot of people don't know that So they'll say oh he was off that night Anybody who came to fucking Gotham No, I wasn't off Know my timing is perfect That's why I prefer being in a smaller fucking venue It works for me My ranch work better in a fucking venue

You follow me so you know where you do better Not that I'm not funny in a fucking theater I didn't say that I'm not saying don't to come see me in a theater If I ever get to that level I will play smaller theaters For it to be more intimate I'd rather be right fucking there with you

I want to be right there with you bro I don't want to be 10,000 feet from you looking like something. No, no, no, no. I don't like none of that shit. I really don't. You know, there's just some things. I became a comic because I was a fucking loser and I had nothing else. Okay, we all know that.

I had nothing else going on. So I don't do this for two things. I never did this. So people point to that at me, I'm high. You know, when you're stoned? You don't want nobody fucking with you, do you? Yeah, I know. You just want to sit in the back of the restaurant and mind your fucking business.

That's it. I'm not into that, man. When people call me a celebrity, it hurts my fucking feelings. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm a fucking comedian with fucking felonies. I mugged the hooker. I tied up guy up.

That was a long time ago, and I'm a comic, but I always keep that in mind, so I don't lose control or who the fuck I am. Do you follow me? I don't ever want to lose control and think I'm...

Oh, because I should be there at 10.30 Because I did this. No. No, it was like I was busting Lee's balls that you got to make time to go swimming and leave him I gotta be at work

and then call him Tom you got got something do in the fucking morning you know I can't say that's the total boss he said to me

he said I should do that I said I gotta be at work at 930 he said call him there's too much traffic you're not gonna fight the traffic

I'll see you at 11 o'clock I'm like only you can say I'll see at 11 boss okay it's really weird I've done movies with people and you gotta hear

how they act and how they make people wait on them and I can I hate that shit Hey, listen, people have mishaps. Sometimes the alarm don't go off.

This morning, my alarm went off too fucking early. You know, that's the worst one. Your alarm goes off too fucking early. Yeah, that's why you're so fired up. Did he read the article about why Robin Williams is doing his new show? No. He says in the article, he said, I had two divorces. I have to sell the house in Napa.

I need the money. He said it. He said, I had three options. I could do a stand-up tour. I could do independent movies for Skagit. scale or I can do this and instead of having a regular job sounded better

so it's like you don't want to have to like there's no way that show is going to be good it can't be good when you go into it for that reason well you know man listen the more money you make the more money you spend

you know that's just the way life is you're not going to make $8 million and only pay $4 a month rent you're going to go what the fuck am I doing And after a while you keep that up But the money doesn't come in for these guys You know they spend money They got butlers whatever the fuck they have

They each have a little different thing My big thing is acupuncture It cost me $47 a week That's $200 a month I don't drink I don't really go to bars I don't go to strip clubs You know I go to YMCA

I go to stupid Jiu Jitsu I go to the swimming program with my daughter And I hang out with my wife That's it you know, Felicia said something to me. She goes, you live your life very frugally. Am I cheaply? No.

Not at all. Not at all. You know, I spend deed. But you do it with, like, food. Like, that's what I'm saying. Like, you don't have, like, the material things. You do, like, you do, not events, but, like, activity sort of stuff. Like, you'll, like, when, right before your daughter's baptism, we went to, like, we went to, we went to, well, Morton's.

Mortons. Yeah. Like, we could have just, you could have just gone. to, I don't know, outback or somewhere like that, but you went to fucking Morton's. Doug, you know, you work hard and you have to choose where, you know, I don't want to give people the wrong impression who the fuck I am or what I stand for.

Not at all. Not at all. And he didn't dress up. Like, I felt like I, I went and, like, I was like, you called me, like, we're going to Morton's in 20 minutes. It wasn't even a big deal. You called me, like, can you be here in half an hour? I remember. I remember when I used to sell cars. Yeah. I used to sell cars. Let's face it,

these guys were fucking criminal pieces of shit. and now they're making a $60,000,000 a month, $60,000, $80,000 a year. And they would play golf. And they would look at them and go, you guys, how can you? Oh, well, we love golf. You guys were just robbing somebody yesterday. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, to me, golf has always been a game where you're trying to be somebody.

Like, well, we play golf, you know, that's great. You know, whatever, whatever. Not that I don't like it or whatever. It just always seemed like it was a look down on your type of sport. You know what I'm saying? Like, we're not playing football. playing golf. Oh, really?

And being belonging to the country club? Yeah, and all that shit. Is that a big thing out here? Are there country clubs? Or there has to be. It has to be. You know, all these people play golf. Oh, my God, we had a tea time.

You know, whatever. Whatever. What the fuck? Would you ever put that as your Facebook status? What's that? Good early tea times. I have so many people who do that. What the fuck out of here?

You know, so right away, I'm supposed to be in breaking the fuck out of here. So it's just the, that's the big thing. Like, I hated those guys. Like, we're going to play golf. bro, you were robbing somebody yesterday. You know, it was like cocaine when we come out. Like a lot of people always talk about cocaine. Cocaine when it first came out was not a high thing.

It took me a year to get high off cocaine the first time. Do you know that? I kept doing it like an idiot going, I don't know what to expect. And then when I drank a beer and I go, oh, here it is. Now I'm fucking high. But for a long time, cocaine was a status thing. You know, I heard a comedian on Stasi, they're talking about how Mayor Bloomberg is trying to raise

the price of soda. You know, you tried to get the soda tax. People are paying 100 a gram for cocaine. You think if a fucking fat kid wants a fucking soda, he's not going to have a fucking soda. He's not going to borrow a quarter from another fucking fat kid. Fat kids work together. I hang out with fat fucking kids, too.

They always got a fucking quarter. That's why they're fucking fat. You know what I'm saying? What the fuck is wrong with people? I'm going to raise the fucking soda and then they're going to buy it. People paid $100 a gram for fucking cocaine, something that was finished in an hour. You know why?

because it made them feel better about themselves. It wasn't about getting high, it was such a great high, or my dick gets so hard. It made you feel better. It put you in a different fucking... What's that system in the old days? The caste system?

Yeah, the Indian... Yeah, you were a fucking moolie, or you were a fucking Puerto Rican, or you were a white dude. Same fucking thing, okay? When you snorted Coke, you became a fucking white person with skills, and you were very interesting,

and you were an artist. You ever see your office and a gentleman? Of course not, because it's a good fucking movie. You won 18 Academy Awards. There's a line in there, Deborah Winger. In the 80s, this was the best fucking line. Women, you would ask women, like, what are you doing here?

I'm here to meet better people to improve myself. At a fucking bar, you're going to meet better people. Save that fucking line for somebody who gives a fuck. I'm here to improve and to soak the fuck. You're here to suck a dick. That's why you're here. You come here to drink three drinks for somebody to buy your drink and for you to suck their fucking dick.

Am I lying? That's a square root. Correct or wrong? No, I come out to meet people. What the fuck do you want to meet? What are you going to meet? What are you going to meet? What are you going to meet that's interesting?

I have a fucking bar on the corner by your house. In the city where you grew up in some bum-fuck fucking city. Let me go to the corner. I'm going to meet interesting people. Get the fuck out of here, your fucking mother-mong. What are we talking about? I have no idea. Me neither.

What the fuck? Anyway, you know what I did do yesterday? And here's the truth. Here's the fucking truth, Ruth. Friday night, I didn't get home until 4 in the morning. 339. Yeah, you said you got out at 1.30.

I slept from fucking 4 to 10, went to eat, and then came back and took another little cat nap. I knew Saturday was going to be the same. So I knew I had to be

at the, the car was picking me by 430 to drive me to the fucking airport. So I knew that I wasn't going to get any sleep. So basically, I drank a lot of water

Saturday. I took a nap. I ate an edible in the morning and got me high and took a nice long nap and I drank a bunch of water and I drank a bunch of water and I got in the plane and that was it

but in the plane I drank a bunch of water also but I didn't sleep and to anybody who knows if you try to sleep on a plane it sucks dick and if you're tired it's even fucking worse because you can't get comfortable and it's warm and blah blah blah and on the edible was fucking hit me and I started getting stressed out

I got off that fucking plane yesterday and I went home and my wife went to church and right away I said fucking I'm just gonna lay down I laid down when I got up I didn't feel too good I had a cup of coffee and I popped three fucking alpha brain I took a shower, and I got to tell you something. Within two fucking hours, I felt so fucking good.

I answered 80 fucking emails. I did sit-ups, punch. You know, I did some squats. I did some push-ups, whichever ones I could do. I do the girl ones. And I felt great. You know, man, I don't give enough credit to Alphabrand. I really fucking don't.

Sometimes you get caught up, and I didn't get high yesterday. So I got to feel the effect. I sat down. I wrote a fucking couple of lines in the book. I did so many little things and at the end of the night I go wow I was tired everything was perfect On it makes a great product

By the way Aubrey's in town We're going to try to shoot a video this week Oh great Oh on it does make a great product And I take it for fucking granted I'm not a vitamin freak But I like to take vitamins in periods And see how they work 90 days

And see how I feel And I write down little notes I gotta tell you them Ever since I've been taking the onet products Whether it's the hemp force Whether it's the fucking shroom tech for Jiuitsu Whether it's the fucking strong bone from my fucking toe. My toe is healed. I still got the foot pop on because

with the sneakers sometimes it gets sore like this week it did get a little sore. But my fucking toe is healed and it usually takes eight weeks to fucking heal. It took fucking five weeks with the strong bone. So do whatever the fuck you need to do. Somebody asked me if it helps with lung function. I'm not really sure that they smoked a lot of weed. I'm not really sure and I gave him the answer. I told them the truth if you want to write on it directly. All I know is for jet lag. If you want to fucking make a big day, you want to be creative, if you want more fucking energy in your workouts, if you

want to repair something that might be hurting like you chip the bone or something in your knee. This does not repair. Anyway, what I'm trying to say to is, go to onet. com, go to the box, press on what, my brother, church, church, C-H-U-R-C-H, and that's all you need to fucking do. Press that and fucking, you get 10%

off, plus you get on the mainland, and this is just for minerals and vitamins, not for the fucking kettlebells and all that shit. I can't help you out there. I'm talking about the minerals. fucking healthy. Start with the alpha brain, the Shroom Tech sport, the Shroom Tech fucking immune. Whatever you want to try in that family,

I tell you what, you will not be disappointed. You know we don't fuck around here. Let me give some shout out to you to some of these cocksuckers. Go for it. We didn't have a call. My little girl, Lady Jay, Armani, your bad motherfucker, Brian Gregrosian, Cody, Daniel, dirty freaking

dirty fucking Jay, Ash, whatever, Jensen, congrats, you know, I love you. And Emilio Guerrero. I love you too. By the way, I got to tell you something else. What's on?

Got a lot of fucking thank you notes. And this is how we roll here on the church, okay? Because we don't break nobody's ball. Sometimes people contact us. I tell a lot of people know on certain things. As soon as I got hooked up at this Dollar Shave Club, I knew it was going to get like it. And a lot of fucking people emailing me saying thank you.

It's a fucking bargain for nine bucks a month. The blades, the fucking butter for your face, the peppermint towel, for your asshole, which we discussed Friday when we had the guy calling him. Did you try those peppermin' wipes on your ass? I'm in the bathroom. You already tried them? Yeah. You bad, motherfucker. You try them on your little bingitha, too? Because they work for your helmet, too, you rub some on your helmet.

They're sucking a fucking candy can. You know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha ha ha. You didn't think about that, huh? No, because the pepper, you can fill the peppermint when you do it on your butt. I don't know if I want to do this on the... What does it feel like? Does it jingle in your ass? It just feels like cold. It feels like you have like a mint or something. Look, he's one wipe fucking charles. right here. Look at these fucking blades.

Tremendous. And look at this. You got the butt butter, the butter shave. It stops with all this. $9 a fucking month. And you get this right here, this blade. Look. That's what it does. You can use this as a fucking weapon. That's how we roll here.

Dollar shaveclub.com. What are they put in the box? Church. Church? Is it? Church or Joey? Joe's for Hulu Plus. Oh, Joey for Hulu Plus. Church for fucking Dollar Shave Club. And they even got a program. for a dollar. Even if you want to be a fucking Jew, a dollar.

If you want to be a half a Jew, $6. And if you want to live like a pep, $9 a fucking month. You get to raise that out, bring your fucking head off. You get everything here. Lee, you play any music from me? I did. I play. I want to be around. What else did you play for me? I'm about to play something else. Hit him. Hit him.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That smokes him really. It's Monday. We got to sit people off on the right movie. I give you the world if it was mine. Oh shit. Listen to it, listen to it dropping. Oh my God. Come on, brother. Here, take some weed with your uncle Joe.

Now, I didn't say to lower it. I said to smoke some weed with your Uncle Joey. Kick that shit. She'll give you the world if it was hers. Who's giving you the fucking world? Oh, let me see you wiggle from the Joe. Huh? Oh, shit, you bad motherfucker.

Look at you with a little pep of a pew of moustache. Who you think you're dealing with this? It's Monday, get out there, do some jumping jacks, wash your cock. There's a fucking asshole wait for you somewhere if you just stick that helmet in. Oh shit, feeling good, motherfucker. This is your day right here. This is your... Give you the world if it was hers. We know about this thing.

You even wiggle for Uncle Joy? I just did wiggle for you. Mm-mm. Listen, mm-mm, feels fine. It's a fucking jam leaf. Get back up. Wiggle for Uncle Joe. Let me get it on.

Oh shit. When you shaved your little pepillar pew mustache, you could use a dollar shave club? I use a dollar shave club from my neck and the tops. I have to use a beard trimmer. I want to see it trimming all the way like a Fidel fucking thing. Trimming even more. It looks good.

Nobody has that. You'd be fucking original. You'd be an OG, dog. I already am an OG motherfucker. That's why I love you. Don't you call Joel today. I'll fucking stab you, cock sucker. I put them.

on a mission two weeks ago. You called him? Do you want to see my phone? I called him. I left a message. No, you haven't. Because I called him. He's like, I don't get no message from number.

And I come here and he's like, look at my phone. I get the fuck out of here. You didn't call him. Then you get stolen in the morning. You forget. I understand. You got to stop smoking dope. I do.

You got to start smoking dope. Terrible life I leave. You know, I leave 10 roaches here. I come back. I'm in a roach left. You smoked at all. You got a little gravy. You got a roach.

You see this one? This was called Stinky Finger. I got everything over here. Oh, fuck. How am I going to go to work? I told you. You're not going until 1130. Get in the pool, do some jump in each eyes, get some sun out.

It was cloudy this morning. It's fucking, that's it. The heat is gone, dog. Oh, she can't stand it up here. Who? The girl. Why not? It's hit like 100 every weekend.

Oh, please. It's fucking burning up here in the valley. We don't fuck around here in the valley. Oh, fuck. I don't go outside, so I don't notice, but... It was hot yesterday. It was 107 or something. when I got in the call yesterday.

And where did we go yesterday? Went to get some fucking salad. And then drank some coffee and the baby was fidgety. So that was it. I took a home. Now, let me tell you something, man. I learned a lot this weekend. I learned a lot about myself.

You know, I learned a lot about where I came from. You know, the people. I saw just specific people. I saw Loops. I saw Carlos Cantero. You know, I just saw people that, I look at now and I looked at that and they believed in me when nobody else believed in me.

These people believed in me when I had nothing going on, dog. Nothing. When all I had was my word and me and they could count on me for certain things and they couldn't. And now life is different, you know. I could talk to them, we'd go to lunch. I could be seen in public with them, you know. It's just different.

It's just, and I realize something else and I'm old. I realize that life, fucking. It moves fast, guys. Fucking life moves fast. And, yeah, I still feel like I'm 20 in my mind. My memory's great. But, man, life moves, guys. So do me a fucking favor.

Take advantage. It moves. I blew 30 fucking years. I blew 30 years, Lee. That's the way you think about it? Yeah. Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I was 27 and I was 44.

I did blow for 10 years too long. You know, I fucked around. for 10 years too fucking long. Don't, don't do that, guys. Fucking get to it. Get to this, bro. It's fucking quick, man. 30 fucking years, you know.

I didn't see one of the girls. And I was thinking about her. She was going to come up and I was supposed to go to her father's house. But I took the nap and I went over and I never ride up there. And I was thinking that 30 years ago, I was dating her 30 fucking years ago, you know?

Think about if you were to join the Army when you're 18, you're out when you're 38. At 18, they tell you're 20. years, it seems like a fucking eternity, but it's really not. We haven't known you three years already. I know. Feels like two months. Feels like two months, but it's three, four fucking years, you know?

Just, if you take any fucking advice, man, it moves fucking faster than what you think. And I'm looking at these people that I knew when I was 18. At one point, Vanery and Villano came to see me at the whole town. We sat in the lobby. And I'm looking at these guys thinking, we were 18. We were eight fucking teen. I left here when I was in my 20s. The one guy was going to be mayor.

I left to leave, to come back to be his driver. That was my whole goal in life, guys. Can you believe that? When I left North Bergen at 22 years old, my plan was to leave, to stay out of town for 20 years, to do something for 20 years. So when he became mayor, I could come back and be his driver. That was my goal in life.

So think about this, how much our goals fucking change. That was my goal. I'm sitting there thinking like, he was going to be my pension, Veneery. This was going to be my savior. And look, he didn't become the fucking mayor. The fucking spruce study is. Does Mercy have anything to do with this?

Like, because, I mean, she must be growing up pretty fast. I mean, I know she is, but like the fact that she's here, are you noticing it more? No, I've noticed it with me, you know. This week, it's either this week to 15th. It was either yesterday or one day next week. It was when I robbed that jewelry store. Oh, really?

And if you really think about it, that was 31. 31 years ago, me and two other fucking idiots ran out of a jewelry store with fucking jewelry. Like a fucking loser. That was three lifetimes ago.

And yeah, you know, nobody brought it up this time. You know what I'm saying? But it still sits in the back of my fucking mind that I had the audacity and the balls to try something like that. And got away. with it. You know, got away with it partly.

The other half it killed me, you know, inside. But it's just so fucking weirdly that life moves fast. And you're 25 today, Lee, and you're having a good time. And I tell you, it's like you're going to a trance, and then you wake up in your 34. Then you get involved in something else, and you wake up in your 41, and you're like,

what the fuck just happened? And now, you're like, now I got to do something. You know? And you're okay. You're probably okay. You're probably working, and you're getting along in life, but something's missing. That's what was missing here. But that's what I really thought about this weekend. How fast it fucking moves,

man. It fucking moves fast. Was it special for you? Because, like, you've been back to New York and did a show with some of your friends and, like, one of the guys who wasn't really your friends, like, made a stink or something. But, like, this, these shows when... Can you believe that that idiot showed up Saturday night?

Oh, he showed up again? Guess what else? What? Coked up again. and guess what else he heckled again again and I didn't even give him the time of day

and here's a sad thing that I looked at him I gave him a look and I pointed at him like hold on one second and two minutes later his wife got up and the couple they were with

his wife got up and they left oh shit because they were embarrassed to sit with him so I thought about calling him Sunday and asking him where he got his balls from to do that again to me. And I was thinking about calling him last night.

And it came to me last night that his wife got up from the table, from the embarrassment, you know, and he doesn't even see it, you know. And I feel bad for the guy. I'm not going to call him, but if he ever shows up to one of my shows, I'm going to go up to the manager and tell him to refund his money. I'm going to go in my pocket and give him his money and ask him to leave in public. Not in front of everybody because I'm not into it. And I was going to say something to him the other night.

but I figured why ruin it for these fucking people? If I give that idiot attention, he won. I'm stronger than him as a comic. The last time he ruined my show in New York, which I didn't want to fucking do because my friends, too many people were there from North Bergen. Too many people didn't give a fuck about me growing up. They were there to judge.

They were there to lay judgment. This time those people didn't show up. They know they're non-gratist there. I don't want those people there. There's nothing between us. That was 30 fucking years ago. You know, you kind of, I'll tell you what happened?

That bitter end, I like Peter Fogel. I love Peter Fogel. He's one of my best buddies, one of my biggest U.S.D fans. If you're ever in New York, always go to the fucking bitter end and support them. They got great fucking bands. They do great by bands.

I mean, the legendary. But that night, I'm so embarrassed in front of Peter, till this day, because of my friends. First off, I bombed that night. I bombed miserably because I let my friends get to me. I let them, by going in there and seeing them, I let them alter my material. I didn't want them to see me on stage for some reason

It was the weirdest fucking thing And then him that a nandy kid And that Brian Burns Those two morons together Heckling me fucking completely threw me the fuck off And I let it You know, I let it fluster me Plus the people who came to see me

There was 60 people there That shouldn't have been there They came there to watch and to condemn You know what I'm saying Like they came there In fact one of the girls hit me up three weeks ago left me a fucking message that her cousin, I couldn't

believe she had the fucking balls. I could not believe she had the fucking balls. So that was a disaster. So that's why he started heckling me towards like the 30 minute mark. I heard little things. He kept saying, Cuba. Like a fucking moron.

You know, like a fucking retard. Isn't that how that got off? Yeah. Like a retard. So it was just really, really, I didn't give him the crap. And then when he came out, I saw him, to record him again, I was going to say something right there, and there was 100 people waiting for a photograph.

And I said, why would I ruin these people's nights with this? Why would I fucking ruin these people's nights with this? So I'd just let it go. But let's just do Friday night then, because you had a bunch of people there. Was it special to do it in front of them? and then, like, what did it feel like for them to see close that window?

Like, was it cool? I got a call from Lisa Messina last night. I got a call from George Kalidenski last night. I got a call from a buddy of mine yesterday who said, I got to first tell you what the club on the told me. And this is way before this, the club owner told me in Philadelphia, and the guy told me somewhere else,

the club onatommy in Utah in Salt Lake City. He said, the people who came to see you tonight We're totally fucking crazy. But they behaved perfectly. Do you understand me? These Debt Squad people, these church of what's happening now people, whatever the fuck we are,

because we're not a fan club, we're none of that shit, we're not a gang, we're just a state of mind. Are the nicest fucking people they tip, they get drunk, they smoke dope, they yell, they scream, but they're gentlemen. And that's why we're having such a fucking great time.

That was amazing this week. I've had some pretty amazing fucking outside shows. was just every, I always try to do something after a fucking show outside. If I'm headlining, I'm out there banging out after the show, sniffing armpits, grabbing asses, you know me. I'm rubbing up against tits. Ladies love to rub those big fucking jugs against my arm. It's tremendous.

I love it. My fucking arm gets a hard on in the middle. But it's, New York was something different because I grew up 40 blocks from there in either direction. Whether I went up, I grew up on 88th Street, or I went that way to the fucking west or whatever the direction is. I grew up there. So it was even more special to me. And for my friends to call, you know, Danny is blown away.

He goes, I was at the bar. And so many people came up to me and said, I'm sorry about your brother. Really? I don't even know Gary. Don't even know Gary. I don't even know Gary. But that's the people we're running with. We're all sympathetic to our needs. And that's what this is all about.

This is just going to get bigger and better. Our show is going to be something that we do on the street. Play that fucking thing again. I can't believe it from the beginning. When you had that, when somebody, email that to me. That's crazy. This is the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard.

And it was really 150 people at there at some point. Because the shows ran late. This is probably, I was thinking about it, this is probably towards the end of it, I would imagine, because by the time you get your phone out and stuff, but, like, it's still pretty, like, this, this poor guy... I didn't get my phone. I didn't tape this. No, no, I'm

not saying by the time they did. But this poor guy is just like, he has no shirt, he's hanging out of his dark room. He's probably sad. He's alone on a Friday night. It's this. That is amazing. I want to cry. I want to cry.

You guys are fucking tremendous. You guys are fucking... What they say? Go to bed. It was... And that's not me. I didn't stop nothing. These are fucking...

This is what we are, dog. We're fucking savages. You know what? We're having a great time. And I want to thank you guys. I want to thank you for making my life. Just thank you. Thank you.

That's all I got to say to your motherfuckers. You know, thank you for making my... Since Saturday morning, I've been walking around fucking fucked up. I was fucked up Saturday morning. It was like a bittersweet fucking thing. Because on the way back, George kept saying, dog, it's like you have an army. I go, we are an army.

And we don't want anything. We don't want to take over nothing. We don't want to fucking beat nobody up. We don't want to fight against another gang. That's bullshit. That's behind us. All we want to do is be the best we could be. That's what this army's about.

Us getting up in the morning and fucking getting out there and picking up a piece of paper and telling people to shut the fuck up, Cucksucker with your dumb movie. Taking classes and, you know, drinking water and just taking care of yourself and being the best you could be, man, every fucking day. That's all this is about.

That's all I want from fucking Pia. I don't want nothing. Yeah, you said you got offstage at 1.30, and you looked at the clock when you got back to the hotel, it was 4 o'clock? It was 3.40. I stayed outside. till probably 10 to 3 talking to people.

There were some goofy fucks outside that were drunk that still wanted to get higher, and I might thought, we've already smoked dirty joints. You know, people were eating Cheebo Chews. I've seen kids that brought edibles. People brought their own edibles. They must have been messed up because I got messages. Sorry, I messagely.

It was crazy outside. I was like, I wasn't there. It was fucking crazy outside. I called you. Yeah, I was going to call you because I was watching Artie Lang, and I looked at my phone. It was like 1130. I was like, oh, he's probably getting ready for the show.

Like, you don't go on right when the show starts, but I didn't want to get in your head. And I saw a call from him. I'm like, oh, shit. And I couldn't really hear. I heard yelling. And all I heard was, hello. Like, hello?

He's like, what are you doing? Cocktaker, you're a Jew. He don't enter the phone on a Friday. Lee, Lee. Lee, Lee. And I'm like, oh, my fucking God. These people are fucking great. But listen, man, I couldn't do this without you,

motherfuckers. so I appreciate everything. That's it. That's it. It's Monday. It's Monday. Go out there, rock the house. Don't forget the other thing I've got to tell you, motherfuckers. Again, this is still on. I think it's ending at the end of this month. Ulu Plus. Two weeks, gratis, free,

Ugats, nothing. You watch all your fucking favorite shows, plus they have original programming. After the two weeks, how much is it? $7.99. That's right. This ain't a fucking dream. $7.99. That's $8 a fucking month.

That's $90. $26 a fucking year, okay? Right? Who's better than Hulu? All you got to do is go to Huluplus.com and write... Joey. Or go to Joey Diaz.net and write...

Just click on the banner. You don't got to write shit. You don't even need a keyboard. I about I stab you with this can of fucking soda. I can't... I don't know. I'll figure out a fucking way, all right? So what do they press when they go to HuluPus?

Jolie. Hulplus.com slash Joey. Or just go to the Joey Dias. Just go to your website, click on the banner. It's a good fucking Monday. You got Huluplus. Hulu Plus to watch TV. You got Dollar Shave Club so you can save your balls and wash your ass while you're watching TV.

And you got on it. You can pop one of those and you can be jumping jacks after you shave your asshole and powder your fucking nuggets with the peppermint fucking powder. Wipe your ass, Charlie, whatever the fuck. You should have your phone in the bathroom while you're shaving and watch a little plus. See, that's how we work it out here. And pop into alpha brains. Who's better than fucking us here at the church of what's happening now?

Again, have a great fucking day. New York, I don't know what to tell you guys. You guys were off the hug. I know there was a lot of people who drove there and who came out. We've got a great show Wednesday, so keep doing what the fuck you do. Another thing I've got to talk to you about, man. You know what they did? People are planting fucking trees

at cemeteries. What do you mean? Like I have that fucking lot, you know, like belongs to my mother, right? Yeah. On that lot, people are planting fucking trees. So once the tree gets big, the leaves fly into your fucking, into your, I mean, there was like a tree, two things down from me. It just shocked the fuck on me.

But even going to that cemetery, it's amazing that I was, I've been going there for 30 fucking years, too, 32 years, 33 years, too, you know. I can't imagine having to walk by it every day. Because, like, my worst fear is my mom dying, but if I had to, like, let's say she was buried right out there, I would have to move. I couldn't, I couldn't do that. I mean, you said that you had to walk on the different side of the street, but you could still see it. You really fucking could. Yo, light a candle if you love somebody today, God knows what they're thinking. God knows what they're doing.

They're watching over you, and that's all that fucking matters at the end of the day. The church of what's happening now, coming at you, the 16th of September. Do what you need to fucking do. Hit it, Lee. Oh, shit. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows. anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet.

Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPus.com or go to JoeyDiaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And also, don't forget to sign up for our friends at Dollar Shave Club.com. You'll get high-quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. We love these guys and you will too. Go to Dollar Shaveclub.com forward slash church or go to joey-dias.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Have a good day. Stay black and stay beautiful. Be careful out there. Love you. Check it out.

Keep the Epper secret. Why not? Why blow up my spot? Because we both got hot. Now check it. I got more Mac than Craig and in the bed. Believe me, sweetie. I got enough to feed the need.

No need to be greedy. I got mad friends with benzis. See notes by the layers. True to life players. Jump in the rover and come over tell your friends jump in the GF3. I got the chronic by the trist. I love it when you call me big popper.

Throw your hands in the air if you're a true player. To the honeys, getting money, playing fellas like dummies. I love the one you call me, big pop. You got a gun up in your waist, please don't shoot up the place. Why? Because I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby. Uh, baby.