The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/17/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #7

Episode Date: September 17, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about Joey's trip to the mid west, people standing on line, stinky people on planes and much much more.  Get it together! Recorded 09/17/2012

When somebody breaks your heart, some, somebody twice as far. Ready? Good morning, cock lickers. Namaste, cock suckers. Joey Cocoa Diaz, Lysayat the Flying Jew, the church of what's happening now is back. Happy Monday, Coxsuckers. Thank you very much for making a comeback. Skinny Finney's here going to say hello.

Say hello, Cotsucker. That's right. That's right, Cocksack. Say hello again. All right. Get the fuck out. I love you. Stay black. What's happening, you beautiful car suckers? We're here.

Fresh Monday morning. Positively, you want to open that door and let this pick out for porn. Over here, smoking dope. Drinking green tea fucking Burke Christ, got me back on the game of green tea ever since he got on his cleanse, right? Oh, yeah. He left, like, 20 pounds in a few weeks. Yeah, no, he's on a fucking row.

He's over in Chicago, trip flipping, sweating bullets. Every time he walks past the hot beef fucking sandwich, because that's what he really wants. You know what I'm saying? Lee Syatt, where the fuck you've been? Flying around the city We did your little fucking Yamacom Kock? You know how I do?

I got to get a Yamacob and slip in the past couple weeks. What are you going to do, brother? It's Monday. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I got to tell you something. I went to fucking Minneapolis last week. Yeah, you said it was amazing.

You know, man, we live in California and it's beautiful here. The sun, the weed, and all that shit. But here's the problem with the Midwest I love. Here's the only problem with the middle of the middle. The fucking food is so good. The food is so good.

And I'll tell you what else, you know? Like from the 30 years of smoke, you know, snort and coke and sniffing assholes and shit and eating ass, my fucking senses and my nose have gone away. I can't. There's times I can't taste food. There's times I can't taste food. When you go to the Midwest and you eat, like when you eat a steak, Lee, the fucking steak is a steak. And it tastes like a steak. Like here in LA, you go to Dan Tannas.

You go to a great steak house. Yeah, you pay $80. It's a fucking great steak. In the Midwest, you get a steak for $10 and it's fucking delicious. Yeah. do what you should do. You go, you get a good piece of meat and you put it over in charcoal and that's it. Delicious. The fucking eggs. You could taste

the eggs and the fucking, like when you the egg yolks were huge. They looked like big fucking nipples from the 60s. Because in the 60s, women had bigger fucking nipples. Now they got the little teeny ones. They look like a half a finger must be something in the fucking water. But they're fucking huge.

The butter is richer. You're just apples. Something as simple as fucking apples. Here, you get like half and half. It's tough to be a fat, fuck, any fruit, because you really can't gauge it. Sometimes I buy peaches at night, and not peaches, but the things, the red

ones with a lot of hair on them, whatever the fuck, plums, whatever. I buy them at night. And the fucking next day from the supermarket, they're fucking bad. So you've got to go to a farmer's market on Friday or something there. They were giving away apples at the hotel that was so delicious. But when I went to do radio, the girl

at the radio, the Tom Bonarche, fucking gave me two different types of apples from her parents' farm. And she told, gave me these apples that she's like people pay high dollar fees wait till you taste this leave when you bit into it the fucking juice was everywhere it was sweet it would drip down

your face like a fucking soldier I mean so it's just so different to you know and I like to admit people a lot of people in California would be like well I'm from the East Coast and the food sucks here the food's bad I tell you what I go to the East Coast and it's the fucking shitty too the fucking pizza is made by fucking Arabs

it's the same fucking shit I got nothing against Arabs but you motherfuckers don't make pizza Okay? And you go back to eastern It's the same shit And now it's like for me One of the best places to eat is Houston Fucking Texas is a fat motherfucker Oh, I've never been to...

Oh, you have the first of all the portion It's fucking kill you There's no weight watches in Texas Don't kill those motherfuckers They usually put weight watches in Texas Over and all you can eat Chinese restaurant And they got tons of them on there But the Houston

More people go out to dinner in Houston Anywhere else in the fucking country And when you go to Houston You realize why First off you and your wife could eat For fucking 20 bucks and take two things home with you. You go to fucking Houston, you got

Chewis, you got fucking Carrabba's and that's the mother-based one. Not those fucking white satellites they put all over the country where they ask you if you want manicotti. Not that shit. I'm talking about fucking Carrabba's in Houston, they fucking jack you up. They got this Booberry Hill. I used to call it Blueberry Hill,

or Berry Hill fucking tamales. That's where the Rolling Stones get tamales from. When the Rolling Stones went to Houston, they fucking went, everybody, When you do a show in local cities, all the restaurants get to bring your food. And supposedly Berry Hill brought these tamales. It's what fucking Zizi Top used to go through. Fucking tremendous.

They have these tamales. So Zizi Top brought the tamales to the stones. And he was telling me the story. The guitar player was telling me the story of El Compajorie, where it all goes down in Hollywood. Because I had a hat on one time from Barry Hill. Okay. And the guy, the guitar player from Zizi Top was at El Compadre. I was there doing El Compadier is a fucking restaurant in Hollywood,

but everything goes down there. I've seen Lindsay Lohan there. I've seen a bunch of people down there. If you get what I'm talking about, you follow me. Are you kidding me or what? They sell, I think they make $8 million a year selling margaritas

and $22 million selling blow down there. They have a little guitar player that comes by and you throw like a 20 into the hole in the guitar and he opens up his arm and a Coke rock falls out. Fucking tremendous Mexican restaurant. I seen him in there one night and he's seen the hat and he told me the story that he uh when the stones played in houston he brought him the fucking tamales and that mc jagger loved

them so much that when they went to australia berry hill something the tamales stores because they ship overnight and when they went to las Vegas uh one year they shipped the fucking tamales but anyway back to food it's so weird how i went to nashville couple like a month and a half ago great fucking city and again i got a slice of pizza that would have fucking killed the horse it was so delicious in Nashville, and a black guy made it, and a white wife. He had a white wife. He was from Buffalo. The fucking pizza was tremendous.

I had a... What else that? Oh, barbecue. A barbecue is, you know, that's what it was invented in fucking Nashville. Yeah. But it's so weird now. I didn't have any... I knew the...

I was in Denver for fucking 15 years in Boulder, so I knew that the food was great, but it didn't come along now. There's good food all over this fucking country. But the point of the story being that the Midwest just has that real... It tastes real. Here, I think we get like the bottom of the fucking... barrel. Like, you guys got weed. We'll send you the shitty fucking meat or whatever. I mean, they have to

ship it in trucks all the way from everywhere across the country because nothing grows here. So, I mean, it makes sense that we're not going to get the best quality stuff. But I thought we got like strawberries and shit here. I mean, maybe in Northern California. Yeah, yeah, on the way up, you see strawberries and, you know, cherries and all that shit. But no fucking farms around here,

no cows and nothing like that. I mean, I'm scared of fucking animals. I see a cow I run. You know that, you know, I always think that when I'm around them, they're going to fucking turn around and just bulldoze me like one of those Matador's in Hispania. Oh my God You're like cats? So you're like Big animals or is that it? They just look at you weird. You ever run the

fucking cow? How they just look at you when they eat whatever? And you're like, maybe they're thinking about eating my fat ass. I'm fat. I'm insecure. I see an animal that's bigger than me. I don't need that shit. He's looking at me going that motherfucker's a good eater. I can tell it was a good eater. I think I just haven't been as high around cows as you've been around cows. You would look at a girl and you say

that girl's got good pussy. How do you know? You just assume the cow might look at us and say, that The motherfucker tastes good. You follow me? Speaking of taste, it's that time, Lee, Lee, Lee. Bang fucking chocolate, the church of what's happening. Now, how are you going to get up on a Monday?

Go out there and tackle the fucking world ahead of you. If you're not prepared, Lee, you follow me? A soldier don't go out without a fucking gun or a knife or a bayonet or a fucking dart something. Here you go, bang chocolate. Three strength. Fucking fire opening up. That's not a bayonet. That's the atomic bomb.

Oh, stop. This is fine. I go out there and fucking ride on my body. bicycle. You follow him? Yeah, the last time I saw you eat that, you were saluting Clint Eastwood behind you. What are you gonna do? Because I'm not checking it. What are you gonna fucking do?

That's just outlawed Josie Wales. We gotta salute him every fucking morning. That's true, good point. I don't know who showed up to the Democratic and mode of Republican convention. That poor guy was old as fuck. But he still met a Clint Mason. I don't give a fuck, bro. He went down there, he did what he did.

He didn't know. He was talking to a puppet. He wasn't, it was just a chair. It doesn't matter. He did the Outlood Josie Whale. Yeah. And he did a dirty Harry. And he did something else.

really enjoy. He got a bunch of shit. I really enjoy it. Last night was funny because you know when I travel I can't fucking ball asleep. I can't sleep in those and my fan broke. Oh Jesus. The last night. So I got to bring an air conditioner has to be down and then I got to bring a fan with me for the fucking noise

and the fan broke Saturday night. So last night I tried to lay down. I got a little stone, you know? After I saw you, I tried to work out of I went for a walk and I fucking couldn't sleep. Yeah, that's tough. Yeah, that happens a lot. And I had a lot on my mind. and I got up and Death Wish was just starting on Sundance.

Charles Bronson at his best, 1971. I started watching him. Eric Goldblum's in it. Okay. Jeff Goldblum plays one of the Muggers. I know he wasn't one of them. I didn't know which one. But it's funny how, as a kid I thought they killed his wife.

He got a gun and he started shooting fucking Puerto Ricans. No. It wasn't like that. I seen New York last night. I caught the whole fucking thing. I love to watch a movie and to learn something. especially after I've seen the movie 80 times

after I see a movie 80 times when I watch a movie and I see something it fucking blows me the fucking way and it was so funny because his wife and his daughter get raped you know the brother-in-law who's a half a fuck the son-in-law who's half-retarded calls him up and says hey

you know my mom and your daughter got raped whatever they get to the hospital doctor tells him the daughter's okay but the mother's dead child brother they killed his wife But I forgot that he went to Tucson To see some dude And the dude was teaching him how to shoot and shit

And the dude kept saying, Dog, get out of the city Moved down here to Tucson But before he left he put a gun in his suitcase Okay You know, he was in tech He was a fucking crazy motherfucking Texas That's why I love him

They don't give a fuck He snuck a gun on his suitcase Right? And when he got to New York He's seen the gun And he goes out to, and that's what I caught When he went out the first night He's standing by the

He's standing in a park I don't know which park is and the guy comes up and give him my wallet motherfucker and he shoots that guy and you see his face when he shoots him. Everybody says Charles Bronson wasn't a good actor or whatever. I caught a lot last night. He shoots him and he goes home and when he gets home, he looks at his hand and he's crying. He can't believe he killed somebody. I had never thought that. I always thought that he

was a killer from the start. They showed him becoming a killer. They showed him hating it and then enjoying it. That's what makes a good movie. That's what makes a good fucking movie. They really showed him you know evolving like he goes home after the first shot and he fucking uh gets on his hands and knees and he cries and he can't believe he does it but then he wants to give another try it's like going to jujitsu the first time it's like going to a gym and being a fat fuck i don't really like it but i'll come back until i like it yeah that's where all these movies are coming from

now like the takens and all that all those all those movies so it's interesting to watch the 70s or whatever let me explain something to the fucking taken somebody did i watch battle ship on the plane out of oh my fucking god oh my god america if you paid and went to that movie they should beat you they should

fucking beat you for you fucking idiots oh my god it didn't make sense to me it looked like transformers but it was like about the battle shit we're in bad shape we're fucking bad bad the movies have been horrific this month of September look at the numbers they're not even telling you because the movies are so

fucking bad and it's worth because It's like the worst month or whatever in the history, but that's with more expensive tickets. So even with the costing more, they're making less money. It's fucking brutal to watch these movies sometimes. I can't stand these new movies. I can't. I watch two or three movies a fucking year.

That's it. Yeah. You know, unless somebody talks me into it. Like I watched the girl with the Goldman Dunwell. What was the name? The girl with the green fucking things. That I watched that. I watched that.

I watched the one about the kid who was born with a leaf with Jennifer Gardner. Oh, that's a know. I haven't seen that. Disney movie. My wife's pregnant. I can't take her the fucking shoot him up, Harry. You know, she's pregnant. The kid will do backflips in the fucking groin.

Whatever the fucker is. Hey, remind me today, I got a call from one of my brothers. We got some great calls this week. Wednesday we got Martin Perez. His father was Batista, his driver in Cuba. Me and Martin grew up in the seventh grade, he disappeared. And I never knew what happened. And then one day I was doing a show at the Miami Improval and Martin showed up.

This motherfucker that's calling today is his name is Frankie Bauerzano. Oh, shit. This is Carmine, Bowsano's son, that I have kept in touch with it over the years. You know, they had four boys, and one of them died in the eighth grade. And that made me tired of with the family. But it was crazy, I was telling Lee. I go, Lee, you know how you, a kid's got a...

Fuck, that chocolate got pepper in it today. Oh, really? Yeah, there's the fire. They put a... It's orange and a little fucking pepper in there, so it's like a pepper chocolate. Something for white people. They like all this shit when they can smooth around.

Oh, my God, this chocolate is delicious. Speaking of white people. I'm going to tell you. what bothers me the most in the fucking world. I'm Spanish. I was born Spanish. I love everything about it, the food, the heritage of the culture. But once you get to California, that's where it turns.

Because all of a sudden, they have like these Amo Awards and all this Latin Grammy Awards and people Latino. That shit has always driven. The top 10 influential speaks in the country. Andy Garcia, it's the same fucking line up. Like Gloria makes the list twice. You know what I'm saying? That'd be a good award to a top 10 most influential.

Yeah. The fucking most influential. Latino. These fucking spicks, let me tell you something. I'm a fucking Cuban. And I was raised Cuban. I like Mexicans. I like all Spanish people. You know, whatever. I love them. I love all that shit. But once you move to L.A., it's like they want to be fucking, you know, like Republicans. They want to act like Milk Romney with the fucking hair. Do they're all gathering around? Oh, Como Starr? And they kiss each other. And they're the biggest bunch of fucking pukes. You know, like nobody ever called me. I got the longest chart. And also like four Latin organizations call me. me Hispanic whatever of America come join us and I went to one thing had a drive to like universal city I walked in and I walked out I didn't want to be around because you know it's like when we had Steve Bauer on the Beating the Beast we were talking I was asking him by his upbringing and I felt out of place I'm from the crazy ass fucking Cuban Santa Ria my father's into numbers my mother was into numbers my stepfather it was with an Abaquois they shot people usually Cubans are pretty cool like if you're

the Pasadena. I've talked about them before. They got those Cubans that don't know. They had black blood in their fucking... They got black blood. You were telling me they called the Congo in there? Yeah, they call the Congo and shit in Cuba. They're the racist motherfuckers in the world. But there's white Cuban that don't know that they got black blood. And every time you remind them, they have

a fucking heart attack. They have a... You put like Mambo music on, like Potato Dutico, they'll lose their fucking mind. You know, turn it off. We don't want it. Even a remind it's who the fuck you are. Yeah. But these motherfuckers out here, and it's Mexicans, too. Like, I love Mexican. Mike Ango Gabriel Felipe Sparse or Willie Barsena.

Who Willie Barsena, his special, showtime special. And, you know, I know these fucking guys. When I was a kid, I wanted to be Mexican. I mean, Mexicans got the fucking beard, and they had those leather things with the bullets in them and shit. Viva sapata, pap, blah, blah, blah. You know, when I see them in the fucking clinosu with the fucking, what do you call that shit with the poncho and the gun, all that stuff?

It has so much rich culture. But when you meet them at those fucking Alma Awards, you see all these little Spanish people that play on TV, they up it up even more. Like, there's people that are. aren't even Spanish. They have like a 12% Spanish. Their grandmother blew a fucking Argentineer, the fucking ship ride somewhere.

And they'll cop to be in Spanish just to be able to go to those award shows. Yeah. Do you follow what I'm saying? Like, all of some, they find this Jew blood in them. Oh my God, but I tell you, I'm 12% Jewish. I've seen him in a new award show every week. Every fucking week. It's the biggest bunch of fake fucking Puerto Ricans ever seen my life. I like Puerto Ricans.

And they're going to be pissed to me, but it's the truth. When you see these motherfuckers and these award shows, they're fucking Spanish, but they're trying to act like fucking Republicans. They're trying to make believe like they're in Beverly fucking Hills, and at the end of the week, you're fucking not. At the end of the week, you're not. You know, you got to be

accept who the fuck you are. I'm Cuban. You know, I look fucking Jewish. I look fucking Italian. I look all this shit. I don't give a fuck. I'm who the hell I am. I don't have to go to those award things to prove my love for Latin fucking culture. I love more, and I am the fucking culture lead. You mix a little fucking

Jewish in there. Forget about it. They can't stop us. I'm like Maya Lanski and Rick Ricardo put together. What fuck are you thinking you kidding? Cocksucker? What happened? What time is he's going to call up? It's in about four minutes.

Okay, we'll walk up the dog. But no, it's true. Like, you show more by sticking with the culture and that at home than when they go to the awards shows and they go up to mariachi music and say hello. Yeah, they're super. All of a sudden, they're more Spanish than anybody

and that's always destroyed my fucking inside. And I didn't know it was like that until I got fire from Telemundo. How did you get fired? Listen, my first fucking job I booked for after it was a Telemundo, some Spanish show of Telemundo, and I went up there. I did good in the audition. But when I went up there, it was Cubans.

It was the uncle from the George Lopez show. He recurred years later as the uncle. Okay. I went up there, and when I sat at the table and I spoke, they're like, where are you from? They were like Miami Cubans? And they were like, where are you from? I'm like, Union City, bitch, bitch. And these motherfuckers looked at me, and then we started talking to Spanish.

And my Spanish was too fat for him. My Spanish was too fucking, like, Cuban assort, as they call it for them. Yeah, because you actually learned from someone who was from Cuba. Right. And it was funny that when I came back at lunch, they fired me. And I could see, they wouldn't look me in that. But I didn't give a fuck they pay for my after.

Oh, okay. Yo! They paid me like $1,000 after it was like $800. So after taxes, I think I had to throw in another $100. Now I was made after. So they did me a fucking favor. I didn't really want to be there. Sometimes people do you a fucking favor.

You don't even know they're doing you a fucking favor. But I just didn't want to be around those people I felt very insecure. I would go over and go, how do I want to be around these Cuban people? Because they thought they were fucking high. My mother's maiden name is Valdez. My father's a Diaz.

My fucking maiden name, Valdez, those are bloodsuckers. They were nine people in the fucking house. They grew up poor. But the Diaz is, they were rich. They were from coming away. And when I met the grandmother, she was very snooty. When they have like Spain blood, and they, they don't see.

They think their shit don't. stink. I'll smack you, you dumb motherfucker. We're showing up, and you're showing up and you're not fucking las co-sucked my fucking dick. I don't need that shit. Fucking everybody got to want to be a fucking, everybody wants to be a star, Lee, Lee, Lee. You know what I'm saying? These motherfuckers. What else got to suck? I'm going to have to take another hit here. I'm

stone. No, it's, it's, it's unbelievable. And we were taught, and it's just the culture of fakes and the icons coming out, and people are going to be lined up around the block for that. And it's just unbelievable. That was a hell of a one. Oh, my God.

That one hit the bottom of the fucking lung. I got a Dr. Amy and make a stick of fucking needle in the bottom to chase all this shit out. But I just never thought I'd see phonies like that with Spanish people. I never saw it growing up. And I never thought I'd see it. But when you go to those events, oh, my God. So it's so hard. They're trying to be Latin, but they're really being fucking wasps.

Yeah. And when you go, you're like, what's the part? What's the point of making believe that you're representing the culture if you're trying to fucking act like a different culture? Be yourself. That's the bottom fucking line. What's the music play? A little Sabbath bloody Sabbath on a Monday. For years

when I woke up, Lee, and I was heartbroken. This is the song that always got me together. Reminding me how what the fuck I lived why I was getting up in the morning. You follow what I'm saying to me? A little Sabbath bloody right there, Fristley. YouTube was fucking up. Don't blame it on YouTube. God's sucking. Check and see for this kid to call.

There you go. He's calling. No, he's not. You're sure? You can tell right there. Cut some. Yeah. What else did you do this weekend?

Lee? I got to tell you what else happened this weekend real quick. Okay. When I went to Minneapolis, I did a podcast for a guy named Tom Bernard. Oh, that was a great. If you haven't listened to it, it's great. You haven't listened to Tom? I didn't even know who the fuck Tom Bernard was.

And they contacted me, and I went to Minneapolis, and they said, you know, you're in good hands. Everybody was like, you're doing Tom Bernard. This guy's fucking bad. And what I didn't know was it's one of the markets where they threw out Stern. Oh, wow. Stern's not there. Because this guy beat the fuck out of him, supposedly.

I don't know what the numbers were or whatever. So I go to the fucking guys. At first I got to do the radio station that he does. He does like a regular radio show. Yeah. On Minneapolis, I do that. And then I have to go to his house to do the podcast. Wow.

He had the fucking tone. Remember where Tony Montana went to meet the Columbia? Yeah. That's the type of house he had. Oh. Bad motherfucker. Fucking a lake in the backyard. Fucking beautiful.

It's just a beautiful fireplace. His wife was beautiful. before his whole family was there. He had like fucking four other people on the podcast. And it's just, I miss all that fucking home feeling sometimes. That's what I yearn for out here. That family home fucking feeling.

Yeah, he must be around them all day because I listened and he says he does the radio show from home. So he never has to leave his house. No. He's like a Likis in Minneapolis, but you had to see his fucking house. How gorgeous it was. And he had a lake in his fucking backyard. How nice would it be to invite somebody over

for dinner? They say something wrong. you stab him and you put him in a carpet and throw them in the fucking lake where they belong. I mean, it's just such a fucking great and the guy, his family, you know, the guy called me on Saturday

and he goes, you know, I've been on the road. I know what it is to be alone if you want to go eat something today or tomorrow. Just the hospitality, so please keep supporting Tom Bono. I mean, what a fucking sweetheart of a guy. He's my type of guy.

Like, he's paying my fucking dues for me because we did the podcast and then he was headed to go do a thing for nuns. And 30 years early, you know, I choked the fucking nun. So now he went over, What's going on, Lee? Because if I'm talking to you, you're not looking at me.

I don't know what the fuck you're doing. You're looking at some guy's comments. No, I'm just waiting for the call. All right, brother, because I don't know what you're doing over there. You're making me nervous. You look at the fucking thing. Like, you know, somebody took your thing. Uh-oh.

Lee reminded me today, the occupiers are coming out. Those fucking half of them almost. But you know what? They're going to come out and go right back in once the iPhone goes out on sale. Yeah. So it don't matter. That's why they just preparing them staying online. You know what I read an article.

It's like the one-year anniversary. Yeah, the one-year anniversary. And in Boston, they still have meetings, but like four people show up, and they're all 65. These guys couldn't fucking commit to nothing. This is like the deadheads had more commitment to these fucking jerk-offs. They really did. The deadheads had more commitments in these filthy motherfuckers. Because the same thing happened.

It started great. They were marching around. The TV cameras came down there. Comics started going down there. It was a big fucking media outlet. What happened? They didn't do nothing. The cameras left.

And I gave them ideas. I said, this is what you got to do. You got to hit these motherfuckers in the pocket. You got to fucking take one corporation every. day and take them to the fucking cleaners. Don't use them. You know, they want to charge for luggage or whatever the fuck it is that they want to do. Just don't use them. That's what you do.

But they went down there for six days and they stopped taking showers. They were smoking dope. Then the iPhone came out. The trust fund check came in and bam. There they are. Back standing online on the fucking iPhone. This country's starting to stand. They love... You know, when I was a kid, you didn't stand in line for dick. Dick.

Okay? Now, a fucking movie. You people love standing online like your fucking Russians. What's next? You want to stand online for toilet paper you fucking saps I've never stood online I don't believe in fucking standing online even at an airport yesterday even if I have a regular plane ticket I go through fucking first class

I'm gonna throw you yeah then I'm gonna throw you I just say I didn't know what the fuck is wrong with you you guys pay attention bro when I go through an airport I go in and out of that fucking airport because I'll buy like the thing like I'll buy like early boarding I'll buy like the bigger seats but I'll confuse it

I'll go up and go oh I didn't know that we can Once you're in line, you think they're going to send you back? No, they process you, no, you've got to go through. What the fuck is wrong with people? You don't stand out line. You never stand on fucking line. We're all pimps.

The fuck is wrong with people. We don't stand in line for nobody. Unless they got a gun for you. Let's go to this club and go for you. Are you fucking kidding me? I go to Vegas sometimes. I see these momos waiting on line to a bar. The one that kills me the most is that restaurant on Sunset on Fairfax, the breakfast place.

With all these fake fucking people, the same Spanish people who go to. those awards. They call their white buddies and they go over to the fucking breakfast. Guys, did you people know in L.A.? People stand on line for breakfast. Huge lines and here's where it gets better.

Right across the street, there's a bagel place that'll make a fucking locks bagel for you. That'll make your head spin with nice onions. You know, real fucking juice. These dumb fucks, wait online 45 minutes because years ago what's her name? Malamon Ruh?

No, fucking Malam Rowe. It wasn't alive, you dumb fuck. The other one, you know. fuck. I don't know. The chick with Lindsay Long had a breakfast in there before court. Oh, okay.

So they fucking went there and the cameras took it so now all these tourists go there in the morning. They stand on one. And listen, the breakfast is okay at best, you know? It's eggs. It's fucking eggs. These fucking idiots, it's eggs.

And people stand on line with their newspapers like they're going to do something big. Don't stand on line, guys. We don't do that shit. We're the motherfucking United States. idiots that go to clubs with their girlfriends and wait to get picked and all this dumb shit. Are you fucking kidding me? That's one thing I've never understood. I don't like going

to go to a club and waiting 45 minutes and going. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. And these people will go to, you go to Vegas, you go to these fucking clubs. Like sometimes Joe, and after a fight they'll go, let's go to a peer, we got to invite. I go up there, these people at these clubs. I wouldn't let them in 20 fucking years ago. A bunch of housewives and shit dancing all, fat

fat guy. What the fuck are you doing here? You're in no danger. Go back to your room and play Monopoly. You're in no fucking that you're just taking a butt whatever. They'll take a dollar from fucking anybody and let him in the time. If he was a fuck, they'd be calling you? No, not yet.

It's just crazy. What's up? Before he calls, this thing happened, and we talk a lot about people who do things to get in their own way. And for people who know, I work on a TV show. And one of my bosses quit on Saturday night. He just quit. He wasn't coming back. And the reason he quit was, and I like him,

he said he got mad because our boss wanted us at our desk at 5 o'clock when we get there, starting to work. And he's like, oh, this is the entertainment industry, show up half an hour, and within half an hour, and you just enjoy it. As long as we got our work done. And I agree with him in a way. But who quit the job because your boss wants you there when you starts and start to work?

And just, there's people in this town are weird. Like, it didn't make sense to me. First of all, it's fucking brilliant. You brought that up because when, in this town especially, it's all about images and appearances, okay? God forbid these fucking momos. First of all, they love running late to break your ball. in this town.

Yeah. And I remember when I got the longest shot, people saying to me, when you go to these meetings, an agent particularly goes, get there 15 minutes late. That's the way to do it. Make them wait for you. I hate that. And, you know, it's all great, whatever. But inside of me, something was wrong.

And I did it, like, once or twice. I didn't like it because I don't like people being late to fucking meet me. Yeah. And then I started going to meetings, and people were late to meet me. And it was like, oh, sorry, the traffic. And one day I went to this meeting for, like, Fox or something, this young. kid for Fox 21 and I remember he came in with that story

and I said something to him. I'm like dog, the meeting was at fucking 10 o'clock. It's 10.35. Really? Really? The 4 or 5 was that fucking packed? You live in California. You know you got to plan time ahead. So I did the opposite. I said, you know what? Fuck that shit. To work on my character, I'm going to go in there. You know, people

forget, like for me, I never fucking forgot that you know, before you became a comic, you're a fucking man. You got to act like a fucking man. That's why I love Joe Roe with all my heart and I want you guys to give them all a light in the world because I know Joe for 15 years and Joe has

bought me more fucking stakes than anybody. Joe has done more for me and one of the things that I've disappointed me people who go, oh you don't go to the comedy somewhere. My answer is I don't go down there because you need to close one door before you open up another one. But the truth of the fucking matter is the reason why I don't go down there is because when they threw Joe out and Gersh

got rid of Joe for jamming up Carlos, that Friday night all these comics are going to get together and they were going to protest the comedy store for getting rid of them. Well, Mitzie Shaw said whoever protested at the comedy store was not allowed to come back. So all these comedians said, fuck the protest, fuck

what Joe Rogan did for us, and they went back. I don't talk to those people. I don't see those guys. I don't want to associate with them. That's why I don't go to the fucking store. Somebody hit me today. We're doing a show in April, we need you at the store. I wouldn't step foot in the fucking store. Out of respect for Joe, because I know what Joe did. Joe stood up for

all these motherfuckers, and these are the same people that were in the back of that video, clapping, jumping up and down. And now when they see Carlos, they hug them and they kiss them. So I don't fucking deal with comments for that shit because they got no fucking lawy to themselves. And that's one point. Like, I was still snorting coke when that went down.

But, well, I don't know if I was. I don't know what year it was. I think I was at home snorting. But that was one thing that made me open up my eyes. That I don't want to hang out with people who don't have my motherfucking back. You run with me. You got to have my back and I have your back. Till this day, I won't step foot in the fucking store.

Because out of respect for Joe, he's my friend. He's done more for fucking me and anybody. I give him fucking life. And that's what you do with your friends You support your fucking friends You don't go to the store And mingle or whatever It's over

I don't need them that fucking bad I stood to my fucking guns It's like when people say to me You don't text No I don't fucking text Why not? Because there's no $100 bills That comes to the text

And there's all these misunderstandings It's your football field In this fucking life It's not life's football field It's your football field And you make the cause You decide what you're gonna do And what you're not gonna do

What you're gonna stick to it For years when I did blow I wasn't a sheep But I was very quiet Because God forbid it, my little secret got out. God forbid that I stopped doing blow. So I would be very, I would still tell you to suck my dick, but I'd get in my car and go home. And once I stopped doing blow, that was part of it.

I wanted to get my character back into this motherfucker, which is all balls. That's what I'm fucking about. I don't give my fuck about where they're going to put me in this town. Nobody will say no to you on the phone literally. Because you might become a star and they might need you for something else years later. And that's what's always fucking killed me. You gotta say what the fuck you're saying What's on your mind

If not, you might as well suck dick And get on all for us Because that's just the beginning Of the fucking end Once you go against what you believe You might as well bend the fuck over So I don't do it no more And I haven't done it for five, six, seven, ten fucking years

And that's why nobody's even heard of me Because I wouldn't take shit from nobody Just to be in a movie or a TV show And some comedy special I don't need that shit Where the fuck is this guy Put some music on Let me call this motherfucker and see why he hasn't called

It's 641 I don't know where this motherfucker is at Maybe you got the wrong number. Maybe he... There you go. A little something for the spirits out there. I play this every time I wake up in the morning. This is what I play.

Especially on Mondays. Out of respect for my mother, if there's something in your fucking light, for they light a candle. You're gonna call or what? Here's what I'm talking about. Some people, just are never fucking satisfied.

You know what I'm saying? But anyway, that's what we're talking about. It'll be a good call when he calls on. But you say, you have something very interesting that you say, you say in the last Testicle Testaments, you say when you used to be a criminal of someone, if they cheated on their wife or their girlfriend, you wouldn't do business with them because what would they do to me?

Like, it doesn't make sense. Doesn't make sense, bro. It doesn't make sense. You look at the whole fucking thing. And I got that from Carlo Gambino. You know, it was one of Carlo Gambino's main thing, but it's true. If they cheat on their wife, they'll fucking rat on you.

Yeah. And that's it. You know, I just didn't like what went down years ago. And I took, I took, and I don't have anything against Carlos. I really don't. I see Carlos, I shake his hand. I got nothing against Carlos. You know, I told him years ago, he said something to me during 9-11.

I think Carlos knows, I'll hit him in the fucking head. You know, I don't give a fuck, you know. What really got them mad at me, we really got everybody mad at me, was that Marilyn Martinez's wake. They used to be a comedian named Marilyn Martinez. And there's this guy in town, Jeff Valdez. He runs CTV. He was a comic. And he puts together Latino laugh festival and shit.

The guy fucked me in Maryland over our first year. He made me showcase like 10 times. Okay. And he wanted me to work clean. And then he goes, no, you didn't get into the festival. And then after that, he added a dirty show to the festival. I never forgot that. You know, it was my first year here.

It really hurt my fucking feelings. You know, I didn't know how the business worked. I just believed in men's word. Yeah. I thought that a man had his fucking word. So I didn't know. I came old school, but these motherfuckers don't have their fucking word for anything. They won't even look you in the eye when they talk to you.

So this went on for years. And then he put me in the festival the following year. But it still didn't click with me what he had done. It never fucking resonated into, like, I just didn't like him. And then he kept fucking with Marilyn. Maryland, he had some show on CTV, and he kept fucking with Marilyn. And then he called me to do some show one day. I'm not kidding, he offered me $50.

And I'm sitting there going, I don't like this guy. Yeah. So I don't want to even do it. And I called back and I go, no, I don't want to do it. And then he called back in and he goes, I'll give you $500. So that's how much of a thief he is. He went from 50 to 500. Most people go from 50 to 100.

He went for 500. And he paid me the money and it was okay. But, bro, I forget, but I don't fucking forget. And I didn't, something about this guy. And Maryland kept telling me, he kept fucking with her. And then Maryland dies of cancer. And I fly back home. I'm in New York for a benefit and I fucking come back.

And the next thing you know, I go to the wake. I go to the church because they usually have, you know, awake and then you do church. I wasn't here for the wake, so I made it for the church. Okay. Then they had the funeral, and then that night they had a thing at the comedy store. So I went to this, uh, Lee, talk, look at me. I went to this fucking, uh, wake, right? I go to this wake and this church functioned first in the morning, and I see Jeff Aldeves.

And I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck is this puke doing here? Yeah. You know, he's the, what the fuck's he doing here? And I didn't say nothing. I just played it off. I waved him. He waved them. He didn't talk to me.

me. And then that night, I wasn't going to go to the, I had just finished, I just stopped doing blow. Okay. I hadn't done blow for like maybe six nights. Oh, Jesus. And I'm about to choke myself. But Superbad had a problem, and I made a promise that if God saves Superbad, I would never do blow again. And I was up to the sixth night, and this is Maryland's dead now. And they call me up and they're like, you have to go to the store.

She was your best friend. I didn't want to be down. I don't like none of that shit. I always think that, especially in Hollywood. would they turn into a celebrity thing. Yeah. It's not about really the pain or what people are going through. So, uh, next thing you know, who shows up?

Fucking Jeff Valdez, but it's even worse. They have food in the back. Okay. I see him eating the fucking food. I just see him eating the food and I'm burning. So I got no blowing me. I just lost one of my best friends. And now I got this motherfucker.

And I'm at the thing and somebody goes, you should go up to the stage first. You never know about this, Lee? No, I've heard of parts of the story. Go up there to the stage first. And I'm on stage. I'm talking to my Maryland, how much I'm going to miss her. And I keep seeing Jeff Valdives sitting there with his wife and his lawyer,

and I just fucking go off. I just stop. I can't do this no more, ladies and gentlemen. I couldn't. I couldn't sit there with this fucking guy being phony. And I just tore into him because he says his claim to fame is he's half Jewish and half Mexican. Okay. And I'm like, you're too fucking greasy to be a fucking Jew.

You're too much of a piece of shit. And you're too greasy to be a fucking Mexican. You're a piece of shit. And he was his wife and his lawyer with it. Oh, Jesus. And people are, like, get off the stage. And I'm going at him. I'm like, fuck you, you slimy motherfucker.

And he's like, fuck you. My name's on the wall, too, here at the store. Because he's no comic. He's never said a funny thing in his life. Okay. And I go, fuck you. If I get off the stage, I'm going to make you suck my dick. And dice and all these guys there.

And I go, listen, one more thing. I'm going to get off the stage. I'm going to go on the bar and I'm going to a fucking shot. I'm going back in. If I see you at this fucking thing, I'm going off on you. That was, I went off. Yeah. I went to the bar.

I'm sure. And people knew. They were following me. They knew I would have fucking killed them how I felt that night. I went in there. Him and his wife and his cunt attorney left. They fucking wrote an article about in the paper. I was going to hook it up this morning. Oh, fuck yeah. At the wake that I got off. And the fucking, listen to what happened. He called

the newspaper and threatened the suit. The newspaper for putting the story in there. Oh, I thought you meant he put it in the paper. No, the papers did. But the L.A. Times did in the front page of entertainment. So the fucking next thing you know, you know I'm getting calls and all the shit I can't believe you like all these people

went against me knowing that this Jeff Aldez was the biggest piece of shit some of the Mexicans took up for me that were like bro what you did was brilliant again a Mexican tortures Mexicans and fucking Cubans got to come to the rescue because God forbid somebody say something to hurt their feelings you know what I'm not the funniest guy in the world

and I'm not the best actor and I'm not the best writer but I know I got a lot of heart and I know I always fucking work you know every once in a while somebody needs a smack on the fucking head so I didn't see this guy for like two or three years. 2007, I didn't see him for like two or three years and I was doing the ice house. I know that story.

And it's funny because Felicia wanted to come up to the ice house with me one night. And I go, all right, let's go up there. This was way before Beauty and the Beast. And the next thing you fucking know, I go up there and Rudy calls him. He goes, Jeff's going to be up here tonight. Is there going to be a problem?

And I go, I won't say nothing unless he says something. Okay. So he started in early. I'm in the green room running my business. He comes into the Green Room. He don't belong in the Green Room. He comes into the Green Room. He's doing a guess that he ain't even a fucking comic.

He comes into the Green Room. He's talking all this shit. You know, I'm here. And he's half drunk. And I don't say a word. And then I walk out and he's sitting there with Shang Forbes talking about some shit. And he looks at me and he goes, and Shane goes, are you going to be cool tonight, Joe? And I go, it all depends on this cunt.

And we went out. And this motherfucker is sitting there going, fuck you, let's fight. He's calling me out. He's calling me out. He's calling me out. He's calling me out. He's saying all this shit. to me, right? And I'm like, whatever, you fucking

pussy. He goes, let's go outside. So I looked at him, right? And I go, I'm going to fuck this motherfucker up, but I'm going to throw him for a Loop 1, Tuero style. I was just going to say, it sounded like your stepfather. I looked at him, and I spit in his fucking face with one of those good weed clammies. And as he went to spit back at me,

I ducked, and I got him with a bit slap for the bottom of the chin very lightly. And this motherfucker pops up, and he's like, I'm calling the police. All that shit, you talk for 20 minutes out. You're a tough guy, and let's fight. Now you're calling the police. But it's hysterical because he fucking we get the you know me

a cop ain't gonna catch me by the time your hand hit his face you're already walking I was already walking towards the fucking car and the beauty of it is that I picked my buddy Rick Ramos I'm walking with him and I and he's like Joey what do you're gonna do I go come on Rick just stay close give me right home because Felicia drove me up there okay so it's funny

because I'm walking out the cops are coming in the fucking hallway as usual and they can't tell it's me because they're looking at body language I know how to avoid the fucking cops I slow down my body language like Nothing's going on. Yeah. And there's a helicopter.

Hey, bro. Oh, it's Pasadena. You know, these fucking momos. You can't do nothing. I get in the car with Rick. We hit the one street and then we hit the main street to hit the fucking 134 to go east. And right there the phone rings and it's Philippe. And he goes, fool, where are you?

I go, I'm in the car. What's going out up there? The cops, they goes, yeah. They're scraping the spit off his face and putting it to the CSI bag. Right? He's saying all this shit to me, right? And I'm loving it. My dick.

You know, in my mind. I had closure for Maryland. Maryland had a problem with him, and I had closure for me. Sometimes you got to smack somebody in the face to get fucking closure. So I come home, and the next day the fucking cops called me.

And nobody said a word. They told them nothing, and they got none. All the fucking Mexicans, the real Mexicans didn't say a word. They interviewed everybody. The staff at the Ice House got interviewed. I was going to say,

when we do the Testicle Testaments, they still come up and talk to you. Like, dude, that's funny. Oh, yeah, they still come up and say years later. That was great that night when you. you smack them dog everybody left because people know in this town you deserve a smack the problem with this town is they don't want to throw the smack or they don't want to call you a

cunt because they won't work again and at the end of the day your manhood that all that fucking matters because if you don't have your manhood and your cock you got dick in this fucking life you might as well bend over and let the fucking arabs and russians and everybody else fucking the ass it's all over there in the embassies huh it's fucking crazy man i was watching this video today and i broke my heart it was uh this guy this This kid, like, younger than me, 21 was in Afghanistan. He called home. He was two days from coming home.

He said, hey, Dad, you're going to have to tell Mom. I don't think I'm coming home because they have a big problem over there now where the Afghani police officers, their training, are killing them because they don't want them there. So this 21-year-old kid, he knew something was going to happen. And on the base, they're getting shot now. Like every other week, there's new people getting shot, and it's just... I actually had a kid I went to high school with. A couple of them die.

And it's just, it's unbelievable. It's, it's heartbreaking. That's fucking amazing, man. It's going to end December 12th. I thought it was my baby coming. That's the end of the world. You know, my wife is pregnant. That's the end of my fucking world right there.

But I didn't know. And all of a sudden you read about all these embassies and all this other shit and what's crack of Lackman in the fucking world. And that's it, man. I can't fucking believe Frankie lost a fucking number. That's all right. You know, it just fucking goes to,

but, you know, what? Put some music out for these fucks. Maybe I'll get Martin Perez to call. All right. Give me, let me find some music. Let me get Martin Perez to call real quick. If he could do it. If he could do it, we'll talk to fucking Martin Perez and blow you motherfuckers out of the water here. Yeah, that'd be great. And Martin

Perez is a great story. He, like his father was the driver for that guy. That's a... Batista, you fuck. Batista and the godfather. You know what I'm saying? So let's fucking make this happen. Where are you at? You're still shitting? You're on your where? Oh, you're in your car. I don't know.

if you could call it. I thought you were being your office and you could call from a solid phone. But we'll do Martin Perez on fucking Wednesday, all right? I love you, Coxuck. I got you on the phone right now. I love you, my tinsito. Bye. Yeah, Martin Perez was going to call originally,

but when I talked to Frankie, he goes, no, I'll call for it. Martin Perez is going to be a great fucking story. Martin Perez's father was one of Batista's fucking drivers. That's unbelievable. And what happened was I went to Eddie's house a few weeks. He brought those house and when we were watching TV with his wife or whatever. And he had a doctor. documentary on about Cuba and the next thing you fucking know,

I see Martin Perez. They're talking about... You're on TV? Yeah, they're doing a documentary about Batista. Oh, shit. And also they showed all these pictures from 1950 and Batista often I see Martin Perez standing the next one. Not the kid that's calling it.

It's father, you fucking Mo-Mo. What the fuck? Are you okay today? Yeah, are you okay today? Marilyn Monroe? Really, you fuck? I should still stab you from before. I don't know how old egg restaurant is.

That's why I need you smoking dope in the morning. I know. No, no, no, you didn't. I had to beg you. He's taking these little hits like a 16-year-old girl sucking a dick. You ever see when a 16-year-old sucks a dick? They suck it like they don't want. That's how he was...

I had to get the lighter and force them, for God, say. It's six in the morning, man. That's when you're supposed to get high. This is the church of what's happening. Now, how are you going to show up with no fucking bullets in your gun, cuck up? Hold on. The first fart of the day. That's the prime...

Listen, I've had this shit for the last hour. Put that air on for two minutes. I'm sweating him. I'm telling you guys, it's... Oh, that fart's true. tremendous. I got a light of candle. I got a light of candle.

That's the best. I work in an office when the world's closed. That's the best when you're alone and you fart and it's just the doors closed and it's the most fun thing in the world. You're disgusting. You know, I don't want this fart on nobody. You just said it was amazing. Yeah, for me. Not for me because I'm here sitting in a lot.

Oh, no. I'm in office alone by myself. Listen, the best thing I fought on the, there was a guy on the plane yesterday. Somebody smelled like fucking armpit. Oh. And it was either the guy next to me. Well, the guy, too, from me. You know, and I'll tolerate fucking armpit for two seconds.

And there's nothing worse than when somebody fucking hugged you and they put the armpit on your fucking arm and you have a 10-30 show later on. Like, that's why I have to fucking shows. If you got armpit, don't come over to me, dog. Shake my hand from a distance. Because that fucking onion smell destroys my insides. It fucking destroys me late.

I don't like that onion smell. This motherfucker sat next to me yesterday. First off, I get the premium seats. I didn't have enough points for the first class on this flight. So I just got the larger leg room and the premium seat. So I always get the early board. So I get on there first and put my shit on the overhead. That's a sleep apathy machine.

I'm going to travel with a fucking computer. I got to travel with a sleep apnea machine. It's like $4,000. You know, and I don't want to lose that thing. And if it falls or something, the computer timing goes off. It's a computer in there. Oh, okay. You know, I have to send a card.

For you guys that have sleep at me, they have a couple different machines. I forget the one I have, it's two level. That's why when they test you, they test you by level. Okay. And what I do with mine is I take the computer card out once a month. I put an envelope and I mail it in and they sent me a report. And they send the other report to my doctor. Oh, okay.

So you could see what I'm doing every night, every night by the fucking thing. Don't even break it down if you have alcohol because you'll be dehydrated. Oh, sure. So it breaks it fucking down. So this thing is very sensitive. Like it has a humidifier and a lot of sleep apnea. For people don't know sleep apnea is when you have fucking, you're a fat fuck. Your neck gets big.

And you don't have to be fat. Joe Rogan has it. Eddie Bravo has it putting a certain amount of weight on. I think it's chest weight or whatever. is around here or something. I don't know how it works. You know, Wikipedia. It's the number one growing disease in men.

And people die from it all the time. People fucking die. Rachel got it going. What's his name had it? The football player, the Philadelphia Eagle. Okay. The defense event. That's how it got that.

That year, the webpage was getting 25,000 hits a year. The day he died, it got 25,000 hits that day. Oh, shit. Because men didn't know. They just kept saying, I have a problem sleeping.

Maybe they're single. Nobody knows they're snoring. That shit will kill you because it raises your blood pressure. I mean, it fuck me. I was up to 415. That's why I happen. You know, when people consider diets, they always say, well, I'm eating better,

and I'm going for a walk. If you don't sleep eight hours, you're dying and all that shit means nothing because your cortisol levels go up. Your body yesterday goes into shop. When I was at 415, I was already starting to get the Bella Lagozy look with the ball on my neck.

It was fucking crazy, you know? And once you see that, because at night, when you're trying to breathe, your body goes into fucking danger. Your body's in danger. You think you're dying. It thinks you're dying. So it starts shooting out that fucking cortisol.

That's like the fucking, the shit Joe Rogan talks about D&T. It's the last thing that your brain sees before you die. So that's why you get all happy. You know, with cortisol don't work like that. I'm just teasing your motherfuckers. But that's why you start getting that ball on your neck. When you see fat people and they start getting that ball in the neck and the back of the neck is getting big, they got one foot in the grave, one of the banana peel.

Because that's it. That's it. That's all that's taken over. And I may be wrong. I mean, read it up. But I know what I'm. I'm talking about because I had looked into this shit with sleep button. I lived it, yeah. I lived it. I mean, I knew I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything.

So I get on the fucking plane early. That's a point of the story, Lee. Yeah. And I put my bag over it so I could watch it. Okay. This dumb fuck doesn't get early boarding. He sits next to me. And I'm sitting there with my iPod on and I look up and I see this motherfucker taking my bag on. Right away, I call time out, why is your hands on my bag? Yeah. He's like, well, I got to put $4,000. That's got nothing to do with me. I told him the truth. I don't have to do with me. You should have been here early. That's my bag. We would up there. and he just looked at him.

When people come and touch my compartment, I tell him no. A lot of people sit like in 22D, and I'm like in 6A, and they want to put shit in my thing. No, dog, that's my fucking thing. I pay for the seat. If it's filled and all three of us have our shit in that compartment, then you can put, because everybody today wants to fly with carry on. The more carry on you bring on, for you to zip in and out of there,

whatever the fuck you do, the more carry on you fucking bring on, the more fucking troubles than they be the seating. That's why I'm going to get on the plane now. At the end, people pointing shit in. they don't know where to go. They tell you check it out the fucking gate because everybody wasn't the fucking check your shit. Yeah.

The only thing you should have on you is your computer, a little bit of weaving your nuts at this case of plane goes down. You're not in some fucking island without nothing, you know what I'm saying? Because that'd be the worst. You float out there is bad enough. But if I had rolling papers in a baggie, waterproof ones or a pipe and a lighter, floating out there until fucking the, you know,

the U.S. Army shows up. Yeah. It's always better. And I'm just fucking around here. But I get on this fucking plane there. And these motherfuckers are. Stinking up, one of these two fucking guys stinks.

So after like 15 minutes, I got to say something. I look at both of them and I go, somebody on this motherfucking flight forgot to wash their pussy, and they both looked at me. Oh, fuck yeah, you know what me? You know what I? You got to say something. You got to wear fucking deodorant. You can't go out. If you want to stink, that's your personal

fucking business. But if you want to sit next to people like a civilized human being and a plan and you're going to have three hours and you're going to smell like fucking satsiki juice from a gyro, that's your... I got to say something to you because you're invading my motherfucking space. It's like me fucking coming in with no armpit and fucking

sitting next to you for six hours on a fucking plight. You got to wash yourself what is it? What is it? Cleanniness and the next to godliness. What the fuck is wrong with? You got to wash your pussy before you leave the house. You got to brush your teeth. You got to that's what the church or what's happening now is. You got to be sharp. You got to be fucking. These motherfuckers are, we'll go

for breakfast. We're not going to take a shower. Take a shower. Take a shower. It takes you five more minutes to wash your balls. Wash your ass. What if you run into a fucking school bus full of fucking women that haven't sucked the dick in a year they got a flat tire and here you all with stinky fucking nuts because you were going on until he breakfast and enough with the fucking

sandals or every time I see somebody with a sandal man I step on that fucking foot on purpose by mistake I step on that fucking put. You're a grown fucking man with sandals and they think they're so fucking cool. On the flight back here yesterday was a bunch of those Bahama Mama guys I used to have this friend this fucking idiot

Gavin Boy who thought he was a fucking producer that shit went out the window he ended up in Idaho now he's back here doing short films for some motherfucking moot and he was one of those guys that always had to have the sandals on he was always too fucking cool let's try step on your fucking foot and see how cool it is now you got your fucking sandals on what if godzilla comes and you got sandals on you start running you lose one of those fucking sandals now you got to run like jesus with one foot fucking fly and one fucking sandal put fucking shoes on and boots when you leave the house unless you go to the beach

you shouldn't have fucking sandals on you're going to roll or something and you know what you need to but they want to fly with that fucking sandals Whatever if the plane goes down, and we got stuck in fucking Cuban, you got to walk a half a mile. You got to think of this shit. No fucking sandals. Everybody thinks they're cool like Gilligan. And that's the thing. And then their feet are thinking it's unbelievable.

It's disgusting. Put some fucking shoes on. You're a grown fucking man. A woman was supposed to see a toes. We're supposed to fantasize about whacking off on their fucking shoe polish. But a fucking man, come on, man. These fucking guys are out of control. And that's what's happened now is about.

Look, when the church of what's happened now is introduced to me, He was introduced me by a man named Wayne Means. I was 27 years old. I was about six months away from getting trouble for kidnapping. I thought I had all the fucking answers. He took over a Subaru store where I worked at him both. I owe a lot to the guys that I work. There was two guys selling cars that I owe my life.

Wayne Means is a guy named Jim Handy. Jim Handy was my manager of Toyota. Jim Handy came years later. Jim Handy taught me how to, you know, he put together in my mind how to become a comic, how it was possible. Because at the car lot, he would make you run. write your goals daily.

Like, what are you going to do today? I'm going to sell two cars. How are you going to do that? I'm going to fucking, you know, talk to 10 people. I'm going to call 10 people, and I'm going to be at my best. You know, that's what Jim Handy taught me. That came later. But I didn't have a father, you know, all those years.

Right before I went to Jim, I met this Wayne Means guy. And he used to tell me, bro, we're from the church of what's happening now. Today. We don't give a fuck home what's going to happen next week or next month. Today, how are we going to make it happen today? Well, to make it happen today, you've got to be sharp. Your hair's got to be combed. Your fucking Brett's got to be good.

Your shoes have to be fucking shine. Your pants got to look decent. And when you talk to somebody, you got to look fucking professional, any fucking circle. You got to be sharp with these people today. It's 2012. People are starving.

And you want to walk around with fucking sandals on like a half a fucking fag. No, you're a man. Get out there and talk to fucking people. That's what it's all about. That's what it's all. This is easy, bro. Yeah.

But everybody wants to be somebody else. Everybody wants to be a fucking fake. Look at me. I'm a fat fuck. What can I do to change? People always go with Joe, you got that 1910 head do. So what do you want me to do?

a new Justin Bieber. Can you imagine Uncle Joey with a Justin fucking Bieber head dude? So what's next? Licking somebody's asshole for $10? What's fucking next? What do you have left if you don't have your fucking something? Yeah. I don't give a fuck no more.

It's all about the Riefer. It's Monday. All I'm doing is trying to get you to fuck out there. They'd be the best you can be and to shove it into these motherfuckers' asses before they try to shove it into you. I told you about Saturday. This fucking guy in Minneapolis shows up to the show Friday nightly.

We're taking pictures. Sorry I keep wiping. my face if you're watching. I got cat from that fucking Finney that cucks up is always shedding that skinny fuck. Some guy comes out to me Friday night and these people who think that you just walked out of the fucking banana field. There's people who treat me like I just

walked off of the banana field. He comes in with his wife real cute and they say to me, hey bro, can we take a picture? Sure, let's take a picture. I Google with them, giggle with them, Google. I giggle with them getting fucked up on that fire. I giggle with them a little bit. And next thing you know, they're like, can we tape something? He's

Like, could you tape something for me? I'm like, sure. I go, what are you going to say? Goes, Ali, whatever, is fucking number one. I don't know what his name is. Will is going to win this thing. I go, Will's going to win this thing. Okay?

All right. That's it. Thank you, man. We love you. We'll listen to the podcast. Boom, they leave. Next fucking night, first show ends. I got all these people and we're talking.

And I see this guy. And I go, hey, man, how are you doing? He goes, remember me from last night? I go, yeah, you're back. You came to the show. He goes, no. He goes, this is what happened. My wife didn't hit the fucking tape button last night

So I know we did it twice We had done it twice I even gave her another one Yeah there's no way she didn't hit it So I go all right We'll do it real quick Let's go over to the mall of America Have you ever been to the fucking mall

Oh that's tremendous Tremendous And don't be a fat fuck and go to the mall You'll never make it It's four days if you're a fat fuck I burned a ton of calories there So we go out to the park alone But they got bikes

They got dogs You gotta be fucking careful So we go outside We're smoking out there We're talking to the people and he's lurking like a pending fucking dame. He's there giggling at my jokes. We're all talking and he's there giggling

trying to be cute. And finally the lines draws down a little bit and he walks over and he's like so you're ready to do it and I'm there with two other comics they're getting like a pipe full ready and he goes, all right, let's do this man and all of a sudden he goes, you ready to go and I go yeah and also he goes, hold on let me get my friend with the camera.

Your friend with a fucking camera he's like this is what we're going to do tonight you're going to tell him because I'm doing a poker tournament. So I want you say this up front and he's remember this and he's just saying this speech to me and I look at him and I go yo we're in the middle of a fucking show here I got to go do another show

are you fucking serious? And even if you weren't? Yeah I go Are you fucking serious? I know it get the fuck out of you I'm doing what I did last night who's like come on a man can't you do it I go no we're doing what we fucking did last night and let's fucking do this and he's pissed I could tell he's literally pissed but these people want to take advantage like I need to do

an advertising for his fucking bowling or his poker fucking league instead of just telling me the truth He's trying to connide me that his wife didn't play tape. I looked him right in the face and I go, I'll tape something, but I'm going to tape what I did last night. I can see that he was like, Doug, well, what about your age and she? No, no. You're trying to pull a quick one on me. You're trying to take fucking advantage of me.

You know, this thought there's a French shit. I don't want no fucking fans. I really don't. I told Rowland, like, when this is they no fans? When we were a little kid, we could put a picture of Julius Herbying on the fucking wall. That's a fan. We were all friends. We talk online.

We get on Twitter. We got no fans. I don't want nobody standing there like a fucking momo. like he's going to suck my dick. If I got a baseball, I don't need that shit. No, and it's, people do that all the time. And the difference is, like, on the plane, if I was sitting on the plane, honestly,

I probably wouldn't have said it. I would have told my friends later and complained about it. That they stink? Yeah. No, you got to say so. That's why God gave you a fucking mouth. Yeah. That's why God gave you a mouth.

I don't want this guy to spread the stink on a different fucking flight. Why should they're the same fat? Just because, you know, they all have their reasons. Why don't like wearing deodorant because the harm is the, the fuck. No, no, no. You know what harms the ultraviolet? raised, that stink that's coming out of your armpit and the rest of the stink that's coming out of your

fucking ass. That's what harms the fucking environment. That you have to wear fucking deodorant. You got to put the, I don't want to smell nobody's stinky around me. Dead heads are dead. I don't give a fuck. You have to take. And even if you don't take a shower, you take a Puerto Rican shower, which I've taken out of an airport. I was in the airport stuck two days.

You take a bath in the sink. You take a bath in the fucking St. Puerto Rican style. You do your hair, you do your balls, you get a towel. It's tough to do that in San Francisco. It was a guy that kept in 80. In 80s. I'm in San Francisco and he was like hanging out. When I was a kid I went to a

point theater one time. My buddy's like let's go out to like this Queen Mary in Jersey on a Sunday night. And when you go to the bathroom, a guy always pops up and pisses next to you. You ever been in that situation? No. Well, as you're pissing, some guy will pop up and start pissing next to you and look at you and smile

and then you leave and you don't think none of it. When you come back to P20 minutes later the same guy pops up to you. Nobody could piss this much. What they are, perverts, they hang out in the fucking bathroom. And they try to pick you up. And in San Francisco, they had one of those in the 85. A guy that would pop next to you and smile and make believe.

Like, hey, how are you? Are you, where are you going to Tulsa? Get the fuck out of you, professional talk, tuck. But, you know, there was no PSA in those days. No TSA. Nobody was patting you down. This, you know, these fucking perverts who were going to airports. This is airports in 85.

I got stuck there. Oh, like, you need to be people from San Francisco. Yeah, no, I'm not lying to. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm not trying to be happy. This is a true story. You know, in 85, I was staying at the Virginia hotel. Now it's the where people come from all over the world.

Hostel. It's down in the tenderloin. It used to be the Virginia Hotel. And I would follow the maid every day and steal her fucking keys and go into people's rooms. That's how dumb the maids are doing those things. This is before the electronic thing. I put on a suit and go to the hilton across the street.

And fucking follow the maids. And when they go in the room, they leave the keys in the fucking door. I just take the key and take the main key off the ring and then just drop them on the wall. Oh, come on. Oh, my. I was way out. Oh, fuck yeah.

I was the last of the real deal, dog, in 85. Nobody was running like me. But I was living at the Virginia Hotel, and I got the keys to the maiden. There was a guy that was taking action. I would rob him once a week. You know, I just had that little keys, and I would go to that room and rob him here, rob him there.

Stop every week. Oh, I swear to God. One day I busted into a room, and there was German tourists. Fuck them. Leave them, they're German. Fuck those motherfuckers. We run with the Jews. Anyway.

So, I go in their room, and I'm looking to shit. I can't find out of Austin. I see the doors starting to fucking. Oh shit. I left the door and I'm in there hiding. What am I going to do? I look out the balcony. I'm in the second floor. I can't jump on the fucking ledge off this fucking ledge. I sit in the bathroom. Also, they're like, we call the police.

The police come. I open the door and they're like, what are you doing here? I was trying to get towels and I chased the maid. And I came in here and I took the police and I made up some story. And they did a background check and I really had nothing at that time. And they're like, we don't know what to do. And the German tourists were pissed or they didn't arrest me. But I knew they were coming back. At that time, I was running fucking scams.

and they have like a little Asian town up in there or the whole fucking town is Asian but they called it something it was by Van S like this Asian cultural war and in those days travelers checks you could just sign them everybody else asked you for an ID

the Asians didn't give a fuck because American Express would replace them anyway so I would go up there and buy like a pack of a lifesaver for a dollar but give me a $50 fucking bill a traveler's check so something happened

so they were looking for me for the travelers checks and then here I am trying to rob these German fucking tourists. So I went to the airport. I had no money for a plane ticket. They caught me in between the whole scam. I had a girlfriend at that time. It ended up being my daughter's mother. I put her on the flight first.

And I stayed like, man. What a mistake that was, that dirty bitch. I don't know she turned out to be a fucking dirty wall with a lefter in San Francisco. But we went to Reno first and the bus came back, went to San Francisco. I had to wait $2 for Western, two days for Western Union. So I lived lived at the fucking SFO for two days.

Oh shit. Shoplifting food. and taking showers at the motherfucking thing and walking around like I knew people. You know, they didn't have TVs or computers then. When you were at an airport for two days, you were stuck, bitch. You were deep in thought. You know what I'm saying? You're like, fuck it.

Should I just start walking? Yeah, that's crazy. I couldn't imagine it's living there. Yeah, man. And no one would say, I mean, I got to say people there are online. Nobody knew nothing in those days. It wasn't like now that people watching you couldn't go through gates. Remember, the old days, I can walk you all the way to your fucking plan and hang out there.

Oh, okay. You know, in the old days, I could walk you all the way to, fucking bottom. So, yeah, it's changed a lot, man. Airports. You'll never see that ever again. You were stuck. You could drive to a fucking airport, go in there, go up and sleep and then. Who's going to say some to you? It's long range

parking. You don't know how many times we went to an airport and just chilled for a day or two? Really? That's unbelievable. So what do we got, Lee? What do you got this week? Tonight we got a great game. Atlanta, Denver. Oh, that's... And I can't believe...

You're a night in right now. You said Denver is The giving points to Denver? Yeah, they're giving two points to Denver, three points. And the hover numbers is 52. So I'm staying away from this. I don't even fuck with those things. And what else is going on this week? We've got UFC,

one motherfucking 50-sub. I'm all out of fucking numbers. Who knows? I know it's Belfour and fucking John Jones. Fear of a black planet. You follow me? Oh, yeah. Someone made a video you put up last night and it's like the best of you. 140 minutes. It's 140 F-bomb.

tremendous. Yeah. And whoever and like halfway through it it's you doing a clear of a black planet

in front of John Joe Oh fuck you I don't fuck around ta da da ta ta yeah You got In fact give me a public enemy

to close out this motherfucker I tell you Hey guys Thank you very much For paying attention Thank you for listening to the church

of what's happening now To my main man Lee Syatt The flying fucking Jew I love him With all And this is another guy

Listen guys He's been coming to me lately Saying people follow him on Twitter This kid's a fucking sharp guy And I love

with all my heart. I break his balls. Yesterday I had to break his balls. He was talking about 250,000, Lewis C.K. Because we're doing the special together. He's going to tape it. But Lee always wants to be like, you know, Johnny fucking you know, he wants to be Martin Scorsese and all we got is $2.

Yeah, but, you know, he wants to get cameras. He's telling me cameraman. What fucking camera man? You're the camera man. Yeah, but there's a difference between being Martin Scorsese and you think we can just show up and go to Best buying in a camera and, hey, we're just going to film this tonight. No, this fucking.

guy is the only Jew that buys retail. I never met a Jew that bought retail. You're the only fucking guy. I say, go buy a camera. Dog, there's $1,000. Get on the phone. You're a Jew. That's what your people do. Get on the phone. Call the President and say, I'm a fucking Jew. Get it down to $2. That's what Jews do. This is the only producer

wants to pay top dollar for everything. It's $200. What, $200? Get on the phone. Tell him your people. You're fuck. Talk about your people. I love you. Now, Lee is, give him all the respect to the way. He's my little brother. Well, thanks, man.

Lee's, I love it with all my heart I torment them I fucking love me. He torments me. I think he fucked with me too sometimes. A little bit. Just to us. Maryland Monroe. I know. I know. These motherfuckers know I get riled up and they love to see it. Wait till I have a heart attack. Wait till I have a heart attack.

They're going to be like the fucking guy on the son's anarchy. They're going to feel bad about it and shit. I thought it might have been an old place. I didn't know if it was Maryland and roll. But you wanted us to, we want to bring up. We have enough song intro, so we're going to make it up this week. We're going to look at it. And decide we've got a bunch of great ones.

Thank you very much. And then also, we're going to move to you stream. We're making the move. And within a week or two, so keep looking on Joey's Twitter, and we're going to make a move at some point. And that's it, brother. You never tell her about a move you're going to make until you tell the people fucking Momo.

See, you're fucked it up again. You're going to tell the move. We're going to surprise you. We're going to put some stuff in the studios and get some color in here. But let me tell you some guys. From the bottom of mine, Lee knows, when we started this podcast, I swear up fucking business. This podcast was started just to have an extra voice.

That's it. Once a week for you guys, give you a little bit more content. We never dreamt. Never fucking dreamt. This was not in our dreams for even being the top ten. What you guys have done, thank you from the bottom of the least. Look at the fucking cameras. I am.

That's a boy. Don't look at me. Look at the camera, the cucksucker. No, it's unbelievable. I mean, I knew people would like it and like you, but it just... No, no, no. You guys have me. made our year from the CD

to the DVD to the Love You Show at the shows, I can't even fucking begin. I can't even begin. I'm 50 years old and you guys have stuck a finger in my ass as they say. Where am I at this week? Lee, Thursday. I'm in Madison, Wisconsin, a champs. Tickets on brown paper tickets.

And on Friday, I'm in Germantown in Milwaukee. My favorite plucking place. A shout out to my brother Duke, motherfucking, out there, the movie tie and all the boys he's got in his fucking camp. I love Duke. I'm going to try to stop by and throw some side kicks for Jesus. But Friday night,

brown paper tickets were in Germantown. Ticket to 20 bucks. It's myself and Duncan motherfucking trust. Oh shit. Somebody emailed me. They're like $20, Joey, for Dunk. I said it's two of us for fucking $20. Two of us. You can't go to a movie. You know, you go to a comedy club sometimes. It's $20 just for fucking me.

I don't make the fucking prices. You know, but listen, whatever you could do, either see you Thursday in Madison or Friday in Milwaukee, you're right? But we're doing another church Wednesday. Yeah. And we're doing a special

post-fucking UFC pre-NFL Churchill, what's happening? Now, coming at you, explosives. We were going to see if Jesus shows up this week. We love you, motherfuckers, and the bottom line. Thank you for listening to us every week.

Play a little, go out, and you're a little public enemy. What are you got? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What's your latest hit, brother? Fear of us. See you Wednesday, Coxuffers.

Have a great day. Knock them the fuck dead. Bye guys. Love me.