The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/18/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #113

Episode Date: September 19, 2013

Dr. Frank Bredice calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/18/2013.

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or just go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Oh shit. It's that motherfucking day. Wednesday, September 18th, you fucking filthy savages. Get up, eat some bread. Focus in on these motherfuckers. Somebody's walking around with their asshole wide open today. Oh shit.

A little fucking Judas Priest for you. The fags are jumping up and down at the house saying, why are you playing that shit? Fuck you, cuck, sucker. It's my main man here. Oh shit Are you kidding me or what Wednesday

Zero in on the bitch Zero in on your fucking life Get it together What's the story bro Where you've been off there You don't call you don't write cock suck I've been busy playing video games You look so disappointed

You're killing me though Killing me salt mys You're a grown fucking man But they're so realistic So is fucking life Grand Theft order What they're rob a woman fucking car. See how non-fucking

exciting it is to steal a fucking car. Have you ever done that way? Fucking no. That's the most unexciting thing. Because when you get pulled over, you're in the stolen fucking property. There's no two ways out of it. I didn't know who it was. It was my cousin Vinny. No. Why would you fucking steal a car? I would never

fucking steal a car. Even when I was 13, I was like, there's no fucking sense of it. The stealing and drop it off. I could see steal on the car if you're going to shoot somebody. I guess he's stealing the car if you're going to rob a fucking bank so you have a different type of vehicle, but to steal a car with three of your fucking knuckleheads, you're crazy.

I never stole a car stereo that stupid, dude. Fuck with somebody's music in their fucking car for 35 dollars. You're going to ruin somebody's day to get $20 for a fucking car stereo. That's all you get for it? If you steal it out of a fucking car, if I show up here with fucking a radio with veins coming out of it

from the dashboard, what are you going to give me? You're going to give me a brand new fucking money? No, you're going to get $30. That's crackhead type shit. Is that why they changed it? Because, like, now can you really, can you, I don't know anything about cars, but can you take them out now? Because they seem really built in now. Well, now if you take the fucking thing out, it won't play.

You know, so now if you rob somebody's fucking stereo, it won't play in your fucking stupid car. In the old days, people are stealing cars. Remember, people would take them out. You could walk around with your car stereo and your fucking hand like an idiot. Yeah. Really?

Fucking really. You got to take the car. Here's a $20,000 car. And you're worried about the fucking stereo. This is the society we live in. So people would steal a fucking car stereo out of your car to second-handed in the black market. market for 30 fucking bucks.

So they would ruin your day for 30 bucks. If I'm going to ruin your day, I'm ruining it for a couple grand. Not for 30 fucking buck radio. What's happening, Godwaker? That's it, dude. I love it. I love doing these. I've never been to this happy to wake up at 5 a.m.

Yeah, smoking pot. All right, what do you bother me for? What are you asking me to do? You're asking me questions. What are you talking about? And you're sitting over there mumbling and humbling, nobody's getting high here. Come in. I got some fucking...

What's going on? Nothing's going. What the fuck's going on? You were playing Grand Theft Auto? Like some fucking kid from a suburb chasing, getting chased by the fucking cops. You ever ride a boy? I am a kid from a suburb.

You ever steal a bicycle or anything? Like take somebody off a bicycle, like knock him over and fucking take the bike? Me neither. No. I did choplift a little bit. Did you? I know you were telling me you got scared, petrify.

Like, I did like DVDs and stuff and I would get scared when I was going to walk over the entrance. It's fucking terrible to do shit like that. It's always terrible. You're supposed to get scared. You're doing something bad, you know? Yeah. You think that.

Listen, when you were a kid, you shoplift for joy, you know, for, it's like going to have to, it's like going to fucking grind a great adventure. Shoplifting. You know, where I stayed this week, New York, I stayed at the Holiday Inn Express. And it was right 100 yards from my grammar school. Oh, okay. I was right by McKinley. And what's McKinley close to? We're on the corner of him shop, shop right?

And we used to walk every day to shop right at lunch and steal, a 10-pack of hubba-bubba, you know, a 10-pack of, bubble yum, whatever the fuck it was, and you put three pieces in your mouth and we throw it out of each other. You ever get hit in the head with bubble? I'm a bubble. No. It's a fucking nightmare. You understand?

Like chewed bubble gum? Yeah, like chewed bubble gum. You get hit in the head with that shit. You're going down like water box on one of those fucking water things. So it was funny. I went for a walk one day, and I went by the school, and that's what I thought about. How many days we went to that, I mean, those are disgusting hotels down there 30 years ago. Those hotels were disgusting.

right under that little bridge where my grandma school, there was chicks sucking dick there 30 years ago. That hotel there, that Liberty Hotel, then the York Hotel was where the Ice Man chopped the body in half and put it under the bed and left it in there, yeah, right across from where I was fucking staying.

Right there, though. It's pretty funny that the Ice Man movie is doing very well on DVD, and a lot of people have been hitting me up on it, and the other day, I guess there was an argument, and my buddy called me from work, because he's in some Jersey, and he also knew the story of it.

And he was arguing with some guy back and forth. And he goes, you know what? You know pretty much about it. I read the fucking book. And over the years, I read the one FBI file that released, so I know where his head is coming from. We're just talking. But even going through there, like I watched,

I saw the other day. It was up with my friend Darren Rago's house. He's dead, and the house has been sold since then. But the garage is 20 yards from his house were where he used to freeze the bodies. He would kill him and freeze him to throw the bodies off at the time of death. then he'd drop him off

so you can't tell when the body was killed if you gotta freeze somebody to fucking drop him off you're doing too much fucking kill him I don't want to drive around I don't want no fucking dead body in my fucking freeze that's just damn spooky you know if I'm gonna shoot someone I'm to shoot him in the street like the house on fire what the fuck it is

you know but he asked me about some questions it's so weird how when I drive around North Bergen and West New York when I read the book of the Ice Man I saw the different places he was talking about. There's a real popular bar when I was growing up called the bottom of the barrel

was next to a Carvel. Oh, fucking tremendous. On 39th in Bergenlein, fucking tremendous. This bottom of the barrel was like two floors. And a lot of those mafia books, anything with Henry Hill. Henry Hill used to hang out there with Jimmy, with the guy who played De Niro at the bottom of the barrel. You know, the ice man used to hang out at the bottom of the barrel. Bottom of the barrel was a well-known mob spot, you know, and a lot of cops. down the block was a kung fu-jai school fu-jai kong-foo that's probably still fucking it's not there I think he moved that I forget the guy's name

but it's amazing that how the area didn't fucking change who gives a fuck about the ice man what's going on lily I'm going to Denver to do the oddball fucking festival tonight with Dave Chappelle in the fly of the concordes but it's so weird okay let me break it down for you Lee because this is how weird life is yesterday morning my wife couldn't go to work yesterday

because the babysitter had to go get her passport So I took the baby for a few hours And my wife came back And I felt bad because I had a lever I went to Jiu-Jitsu yesterday I want to get it over I'm going to hit a day Jiu-Jitsu So I went to 1230 Jiu-Jitsu

And I didn't go to acupuncture either I just said fuck it I'm going to go to Jiu-Jitsu For some reason I just want to go and get it over with You know I was going to go my schedule for the week It was going to be Tuesday Wednesday And then I was going to either do

Thursday afternoon Or do a private with the guy on Friday But I had to go to class at least two times You know I wanted to up my goal this week to three times. Jiu-Jitsu, Monday and I got too fucking high. Monday, I got two fucking... Well, you start off early in the morning with this.

Yeah, I started out early Monday, and I fucking ate edibles, and I don't need to go to 8 o'clock. That's a tough class. That's a tough class. So I fucking didn't go Monday, so I went yesterday. I get out of there, I get home, and they're both awake. The baby and Terry, they just slept an hour and a half, and they're ready to go.

I went after Jiu-Git-T? Like, I went to J-Jitsu, and they fell asleep. Oh, okay. So when I got home, the baby was fucking crawling, yelling, she's ready, go, Terry's looking at me. I get home like at 2 o'clock. I go on the back, I check my message, whatever, I send out of emails. I swear to God, Lee, I get in the car with him.

I go, what do you guys want to do? We're going to go to a park in Burbank, and my wife goes, I'm fucking starving. I go, to be honest with you, I'm fucking starving, too. I'd only had breakfast, and I didn't, since Jiu-Jitsu was late, and I didn't eat lunch, so I was fucking starving. So I go, let's go to Portos. Portos is a Cuban place.

Yeah. on Magnolia Boulevard. And that place is usually bumper-to-fucking bumper-packed. Bumper-to-bumper. Every time I walk in, I get pissed when not opening up a Cuban restaurant. Fuck podcasting and comedy, fucking clubs and traveling. That guy's making a million over there. He's got one in Glendale and one in fucking Burbank.

And they're both mediocre. They're both of five. But you go in there, it's packed all the time. The bakery side is fucking packed. I talk about porthos on the new CD. That's what Armenians go to eat. So I get the Cuban, I walk in there, it's fucking empty. Beat empty.

We got out line, we get a sandwich, and we get a few potato balls and meat them. That's it. My wife got a chocolate croissant for this morning. She loves the best bakery is over there. So we get this shit, we're sitting down, and all of a sudden the baby is making fucking gorilla noises. So my wife starts giving her fucking, starts giving her fucking, the papariana, the potato ball with the meat in the middle. Yeah. Which I knew was going to make her lose her fucking mind.

So she's eating this shit And I could see her face going And she's going Like this is fucking her world And the potato balls were fucking great yesterday The meat was perfect So she's eating this And I look at my wife

You know what I'm thinking to myself You know man I can't lie to you people The whole time my wife is pregnant I think I cried myself to sleep Three of those months There's nine months Because I was worried about this kid

I was really worried I got a lot of shit in my system you know that smoked a lot of pot in my day chemicals and THC and you know I'm 49 God knows how weak my sperm was and my wife is 43 which if you go online and see pregnancy

at 43 they condemn it you know so I was reading that shit and getting scared so you know I hate to talk about something like this I thought the baby was gonna come out I don't know I just didn't know and if you look at me I'm not the most handsome fucking guy in the world thank my god my wife is good looking

so I was scared the baby was gonna be an ugly fucking baby with hoops and overbiting shit. No, could they have done tests for any, like, things like that? I just don't know how it works now. I don't fucking know. So, I'm sitting there. I'm looking at this baby eating this fucking potato bowl. And I'm thinking about New York this last weekend.

And I'm thinking about how I went to Jiu-Jitsu, how I lasted an hour and a half. I didn't beat nobody up. I'm horrible at J-J-J-Jitsu, by the way. I'm fucking horrible. I came to the conclusion yesterday. I'm fucking horrible. I'm just getting positioned and learning to breathe. But I accept that because I was horrible doing.

comedy 20 fucking years ago. Yeah. So I accept that shit. So I just go out of sweat and to breathe and get on my back and have a great time and learn shit. So I'm sitting and I'm going, you know, man, how fucking lucky am I? How lucky am I? I got to perform this weekend for my friends and I got to see my friends. It was a nice visit.

You know, not to mention I get to spend the days with my daughter. You know, my wife still works. You know, not to mention I got you in my life. Not to mention, you know, this fucking kid. at 50, come on now, come on, who the fuck am I kidding? Who the fucking am I kidding? I never thought I would be this happy to look at this little girl, and it does.

You know, to look at her smile with the mother eating that fucking baked potato, whatever, that Cuban potato. It just knocked me the fuck out, and I'm thinking about how fucking lucky am, and the phone rings. It's my agent, just like any other day. And I call him up, he goes, what he doing tomorrow? And I go, you know me, I'm going for a shot.

I got a fucking write jokes. maybe a jih Tzu class, maybe I'll drop out by the ha-ha and do a spot. Who the fuck knows? He goes, no, you're not. You're going to Denver for the Yard Ball Comedy Tour. You're hosting the main stage. And I even told him, I've got to call you back, though, because my head's about to explore. I was just thinking about luck.

I was just thinking about luck. And then, you know, because I never look at it as somebody's funnier than you are. I never look. I've always known. If you go to the Comedy Store and you look at the wall, you see that we're just replacing people. It's just a machine. It's just a machine or funny The comedy store is like a

A fucking You ever go to a bakery where they make cupcakes It's just a conveyor belt Yeah That's it That's what the comedy story is in the improv They just spit out fucking comics And they spit out different type of comics

Some are fat and tall Some are short and stocky And you know If you look at Angel Salas On you look at fucking Noi Gonzalez is the same fucking person If you look at Larry What's the name?

Anderson Louis Anderson And Ralphie Mae You follow what I'm trying to say And then you look at the fat guy before that. It's like, we're always replacing somebody fucking else. But there's no luck at this. And it's the opportunity. Every time you get up at 12 o'clock at night

to go to a spot where you'd rather be home getting your dicks up high. Like me, I'd rather be at home fucking stone on the couch watching some stupid fucking show or whatever about shark tanks. You know, whatever the fuck I watch. And that's what luck is. You know, somebody great once said luck is opportunity, creates, whatever. It's true. No, lucky is just getting out. The more you get out and spit against the fucking wall,

lucky you're going to fucking get, man. That's it. You know, people say, I lucked out. I got this job. Now, you didn't look out. How did you get the job? I went to apply for a job, and I put an application on the way down the stairs. I saw this place, like, you got up, and you went to do the other thing. And even though the other thing wasn't hiring, on the walk down the stairs, you got this other fucking thing. So you got a new fucking gig. So nothing was lost. You got up. Getting up, it was. Those are fucking things that are priceless. I'm terrible at Jiu-Jitsu.

I'm 50 years old. I'm busy. I got a wife and a fucking kid. You know why I go to Jiu-Jitsu? You know why, Lee? To show you 20-year-olds. You can do whatever the fuck you want. I don't want to feel you.

Think I want to go to Jiu-Jitsu and roll around with guys smelling their assholes and fucking feet. But just to let you know at any age. I got very inspired. We had Mike Kessler on last year. He's 65 years old. He retired to start a fucking band.

And are you ready for this? He's in the band still. and now they're starting to get gigs, but he's taking his real estate test at 65 years old. Just to make it into me, yeah. Just to fucking do something, because he's born to death up in New York State,

living with his brother, he told me. He was, you can't smoke pot all fucking day, and he's right. Even Mike Kessler said to me, you can't smoke pot all day. Now, and another thing is, like, a lot of times people don't do things they don't want to do or whatever,

didn't you, I think, didn't you say me, like the guy who, who ended up booking you for this, saw you at what a gig you didn't want to do? Didn't you say that? Maybe I'm fucking stone. But I thought you said, like, the guy who liked you for the oddball thing saw you at something else.

The guy that liked me for the eyeball thing has been in comedy for 30 years. Oh, okay. He's one of the most prolific names in comedy. His name is Jeff Wills. Jeff Wills has been around for a long time out of the Bay Area. And he really puts a lot of effort into his comedy. And when I first met Jet Wills 15 years ago,

I thought it was a fucking joke. don't blame you know I had funny to me but something was missing I was sniffling my eyes were always red you know and uh sometimes people need to see that you're sticking with something sometimes people may not like you the first time out but they'll see you years later and go wow that guy fucking stuck with it and look what he's doing now so this year alone he put me on that big mountain view thing that was 18,000 that's his and this which is his baby I'm very thankful to that You know, like I said, guys, this thing. Nobody's better, no, but everybody puts their pants on one way

got a fucking time. It's just you getting out there every day and believing in yourself. That's it. And I don't even have belief in myself. But I did, you know, I did. I knew I didn't want a fucking day, John. Yeah. I know I didn't want to go back to fucking prison.

So, in other words, that's belief. You know, that's belief. So who the fucking might get? We're just having a good time. It's fucking Wednesday. It's fucking Wednesday. Is it weird? Because there must not be that many people around from 15 years ago

when you first started? No, there's probably nobody around, but the comedy works are still around. And they threw me out. That was what I was thinking about last night before I went to bed. That in life, there's people who are white people,

and to them life is black and white. You know, that's what I consider a white person, something that doesn't see what a person's about. They just see it black and white. And you don't have to be a white person to be a white person. You can be black, you can be... I know plenty of Spanish people

to the white people. They judge people on a white and black thing. A girl jumped up on open mic her and I knew her and I grabbed her and I grabbed her ass. I didn't grab her ass on fucking whatever. If I wanted to grab her ass, I would have grabbed it. I almost fell so I grabbed. Some open mic comics saw it that later on became a manager at the Comedy Works and he convinced Turing to go into management and saying he sexually fucking harassed me. So I grabbed her fucking ass. So a week before Lopez was to come in, I got a call from the manager Wendy. And she told me that I was banned, that she called the attorney for the comedy works, and they fucking banned me, okay? So here I was, you know, no fucking nothing.

I had nothing going on in Boulder. I was about to either go to jail or kill my fucking ex-wife's boyfriend or husband or kill him bold. I didn't know what the fuck I was going to do. I had no fucking money. You know, I was delivering Chinese food and selling blow. I was living in a fucking rocky apartment downstairs in some part of North Boulder for 400 a month. I was a young fucking man. I was 30 fucking years old.

And I get a call from Wendy, and she tells me, I can't open up for George Love for that I've been banned from Comedy Works. Here's my life. Here's the top club in fucking Denver. Nobody wants to work Wits End, the McKelves or the other fucking shit olds. One of the top clubs in the country is Comedy Works.

It's the top club in Denver. You know what I'm saying? It's got to be the top 10 clubs in the country, top seven, top five comedy clubs, and they're throwing me the fuck out. So I had a choice I'd go to Boulder and just wait for these people And shoot them and shoot myself and end my fucking life

I said fuck this shit I'm going on the road and I'm gonna become a comic Fuck I don't need fucking Denver And once I met that fucking freak up in Seattle I got the fuck out of there And yeah I was a dad and I had visitation Five hours of fuck every other week What's that gonna do so because of that

I gotta stay in Boulder and be a fucking prisoner To somebody that doesn't even want me around So I went for it bro I went for it and you know what Last year I did a theater with Joe 2,000 people or something like that You know And the comedy works is still there

But I'm fucking still there And even though she said I did Whatever the fuck I did She didn't stop me It just made me stronger bro Are you still banned from there? Fuck yeah I'm banned I would never fucking go back to that dump anyway

With that grattan bitch But I would fuck Would I go there with that rotten ass Fucking bitch Fucking comics And then making beliefs You were fucking comics that are married But you're throwing me out

For being fucking for grabbing Some fucking girl's ass I'm a mistake. This is what I'm talking about with these people. But now I'm going back there as the oddball fest. And you know what? She's got to suck my dick. And that's the way life is. And that's why you got to stick with something. Even though when somebody doubts, you tell them all to suck your dick. That's how you

fucking get back at people. By making strides. You don't get back at people by telling them to go fuck themselves or by telling them to fuck their mother or to go shoot themselves or they'll hit them in the head with a stick. You make strides by people by kicking ass. Then when they see you, that hurts them even fucking more. Trust me, bro. It does, yeah.

Like it's a It'd be easy It would have been easy for you to like to powder Do something like that But it probably hurts her more now Fuck yeah To see Now she was wrong

Now she's fucking wrong And where's that open mic girl And where's the kid who fucking rated me out They're out of comedy This was my life This ain't a fucking joke to me On a Tuesday night That I go and drink cocktails

And people So I'm fucking open mic This is my life And I knew it I was playing for keeps But I've always been playing For fucking keeps You gotta play for keeps

She ain't playing The fuck is wrong with you fucking card games and shit in the morning. Card video games. Before I fucking strangle, you cut sucker. So that's it, man. Sometimes people doubt you. Tell him to suck your dick. She's got to suck my dick now.

She won't be there tonight. She's got to suck my dick. What's you going to do? Yeah, I mean, it's... I was just thinking about it. What pissed me off about it, that Rogan tried to bring me into Denver for years, and she kept saying no, and telling Joe Rogan like bad fucking things. And he was buying him at first. Then he fucking got to know him. He knows I'm a fucking savage. No, they all got to suck my dick.

It's kind of crazy because it's... You want to edit it? No, I'm fine. I'm two stone at already. Get it together. It'd be like if you were acting here and Paramount told you you were banned from Paramount. Like, it'd be... It's like a big thing where you are.

Like, most people wouldn't have the strength to, like, do that. I would... If the place where you're at, the big thing says you can't work here... Bro, nobody could stop you in this fucking life. Nobody. Fuck them all. We were talking about, you know, getting up in the morning what my mother would say to me.

Exactly. Get up. Who gives a fuck? So they don't want you? Somebody else will. Get up. Get up. Go out there.

Who gives a fuck? Who likes you? Who don't fucking like you? If you do your job and you get better at what you do, they're all going to have to like you. And listen to what I'm saying. Not that they're going to have to like you. They're all going to have to like you.

They all have to. come around and say what's up. As long as you keep working and you keep getting better at what you do, think about it. Think about it. They're going to keep hating you, but you're going to keep getting better. They can keep hating all they fucking want, man. Where's that music you're playing? You get all fucking sentimental

here, all fired up. It's Wednesday, September 18th. Like a fucking savage. You're looking good with your little redsocks shirt on. You bad motherfucker. What? I can't help it. What are you going to say to me? Nothing. Come in fucking stone. I don't know what I was going to say. You should smoke some more.

You're not getting high with Uncle Joey. What's the problem here? You're slipping, cocky-suck. Some guy tweeted at me last thing. He's like, you should let Uncle Joey give you more Cheap or Chew? I've had more Chewber Shoes than half of California. Fuck that. You puked one out last week.

I gave you the tip and you... Boob-bo-bo-bo-bo. You got to redeem yourself. Now, you got to come back on Friday night with a whole Cheebo Chew before... A whole Cheebo-2. For the high-live podcast. My buddy called me last night. My brother.

my brother who I snorted pounds of cocaine with my brother who I robbed short with the kid who took me into his house that we smoked tons of pot I love him with all my heart if anybody was to call me and tell me this shit I'd accept it when he called me last night I fucking hung up the phone laughing I got a call last night from my brother

who I saw Saturday night Mike Runny and he said to me that he goes can I ask you a question what the fuck was in that brownie I go 500 milligrams of THC And you, me, Georgie, Kelly, his niece, our niece, and somebody else took a bite. Virgil, Virgil Aranis.

So everyone had 100 milligrams? Everybody had at least 100 milligrams in their system. Everybody that I gave a bite to that thing after the show was fucking gone. Fucking gone, gone. I mean, Mike Money was walking. Like if he had fucking... You know, one of those diseases or arthritis in his knees.

Virgil Arenas was just looking at me standing with his wife. My niece was fucked up. George had to take the car back. And he called me with a story, he got stuck in traffic for a half hour on that edible. He goes, it was buck-fucking wild. And I'll tell you, 30 minutes into the stage, I was fucking gone. I was seeing purple lights. I kept thinking that I went on stage without doing a bit.

I didn't do the Finney bit for the second show. Oh, really? That's how fucking high I was off that fucking 500 milligram brownie. But Mike Runny, who I've done eight balls with, if you ever do it in there, you've never done coke. I've done so much coke with him, but I could smell his feet from his fucking socks in the room. That's how much coke I've done with him. He started sweating. Like, that's how much blow.

We do blow, and I can smell his feet because he'd be walking around with sweat socks on. He called me last night to tell me that that was the strongest thing he had ever done in his life. But he never felt like that, and he'll never, ever, ever even consider eating marijuana if it makes him feel like that. He said he was high till Monday afternoon. He said, coax, I fell fucked up till Monday afternoon. I didn't feel normal till this morning. Why does that make you so happy? Because I never, ever thought I'd hear a guy like him say that.

Anybody else like you saw. I understand now that these fucking listen, man. You understand now? These fucking J-bo shoes and this edible shit is no joke. It really isn't a joke. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I get scared. Yeah. Like the other day on the plane back from New York in the morning.

I ate like that 500 milligram. I went back to the old totem. I didn't sleep. I was up for an hour. I got on the fucking plane. This is I retired. I am. I got on the fucking plane.

It's 6 a.m. Jersey time. 3 a.m. California time. The plane's going to land. It's a 5-hour plane ride. I'm going to land basically at 8.30 in the morning in L.A. I think once I got to like 6.30, L.A. time. Yeah. I want to my mind.

bag and I found 175 milligram cheebo. I'll tell you about this. Oh no. On the plane, in my sleep at me a bag. I must have had it in my pocket and threw it in there.

I took it out and fucking ate this thing. Within 45 minutes, I was fucked up up in the air to the point where I had to ring the store this bell for how to come and bring me peanuts or whatever the fuck she had.

I ate the worst sandwich I've ever tasted in my life. It was a ham and cheese with egg slices on top. Oh, you bought one of the sandwiches on the airplane? It was fucking God awful. I took two bites of it and told her to take it away,

and I took a glass of water, but I needed to bite into something like a... I needed to eat something just to calm down the T.HC levels in my fucking system dog. I really needed to... That's how fucking whack that was. You probably still had part of the 500 in you. Oh, I still got the 500.

I mean, I didn't go to acupuncture yesterday, so my fucking adrenals didn't get cleaned up. So right now, as we speak, my fucking gallbladder is probably a concrete wall. of fucking THC. That's why I was getting a headache a couple weeks. My gallbladder just locked up from the fucking mush and that develops in your gallbladder.

So next week I'll go. But who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. I got to calm down a little bit. But it's funny, man. We're talking about this Jiu-Sitza. I've been going to Jiu-Tan.

June, July, August, September, four fucking months. The only thing that's improved is I kind of have a little improvement to where I'm going and my breathing improved a little bit. Everything else, I'm still a fat fuck. the ghee, but I like going, and I sweat a lot when I go. Like I love

when I'm on top of somebody, and I sweat on them, I see the droplet come from my forehead right to the head. You love that? Oh, I love that, and they have the head twist it because my sweat smells like cheeseburgers and T-8C and shit. If you taste my sweat, you will probably get a high. Do you know that? How sad is that? I wouldn't doubt it.

If I sweat on you, and let's say it goes in your mouth by mistake, like a drop it's like a drop of acid in your fucking scuss. So, I swear to God, it's got to get you're high, you're going to get hungry. Something's going to happen if you get my sweat, like if it drops on you. What's up, cock sucker? You got the girl this weekend?

Yeah, we're going to, I'm going to my first college football game. Oh my God, what game? USC, Utah. What Saturday? Yeah. What time? No. You get him ready to go.

You got your little shirt and you're a little... No, I don't have a shirt. I'm not. Pasadena. She got tickets and everything? No, I think it's in... Isn't it by USC and downtown? I'm sorry.

I was thinking about Pasadena. The Rose Bowl. I'm very sorry. You're right. You're a fucking... I've never been to college. I've never really been into college sports, but I'm going to check it out.

Really? Even when you went to college, you didn't go into college? My college didn't have any sports teams. There's a shirt that says undefeated since 1880 because they never had a football team. Nothing? Not even a basketball? That's one something I could. Well, they had a basketball team, but no one, it was, no one went. They didn't travel.

So is this true? You're going to start juicing again? Yeah. I'm going to do another round of it. What are you doing? I think right when we get back from Portland next week. And what are you going to tell the girl on Sundays? when my mom makes the fucking enchil. Mexicans don't juice, you know. They don't play that shit.

I already told her. Charlie don't surf. And Mexicans don't juice, bitch. So you better get it together. How are you going to fit the burritos and the tamales? I had some tamales that she made the other day. They were fucking amazing. The chicken one?

Yeah, the chicken one. I haven't had the jalapeno one. You still got a halepanio one? We might chop one up for breakfast and shit just to get the party started. I love the thing she makes. The salsa verde. I can throw that on anything. Yeah, that's good.

On the eggs, it's really. It's homemade, too. It was hot when she gave it to me because we called when we left here just to let her know she was coming back and she said, oh, do you have any salsa verde for him? And she said, no, but I'll make some. And she said, oh, we said, don't do that.

When I got there, it was fucking steaming in the Tupperware. It was eating right fucking through it. Oh, yeah. Like Jew acid that she'll eat right through your fucking Tupper way, you know what I'm saying? You're having a good time, aren't you, my little brother? Yeah, I'm kind of...

You're in love. You're in love. You're in taking it back to... 10 days, just fucking look. I can see three or four, 10 days. She doesn't know nobody in Boston. She's going to be in a house. She's going to be looking at you. You're going to be looking at her. Mom's going to be lurking. No, I've never brought a girl.

You never brought a girl home? I brought one girl. When I lived in Boston, I introduced my mom to one girlfriend that I'd been dating for like a year and a half at that point. Yeah. Look at you. You brought a sister home. You bad motherfucker. Now I'm bringing

a Latino home. I'm not. I'm Mexican home. You're a mom's say, what the fuck? Don't you fucking stab a little Jew girl? No. You don't want to give a little Jew girl a fucking stabbing into Malukia? Not even a little bit. Really?

No. Can't stand them. They remind me of her. They remind me of my mom. This is my little fucking Jew girls. No, there's not. Yes, they are. You get them.

They start talking with that whiny vooint. Ah! You fucking finger bang them to death and shit. You don't give a fuck. But that's, I... And it's weird to think about it already, but I don't want to raise my kids with religion, really.

I don't think. So I don't want to, I wouldn't want to put them through that. I don't think, well, that sounds weird. The Judaism, what do you think? You marry this Mexican chick? What do you think she's going to suck? She's not religious. At all?

Yeah, because my parents didn't, they fought, but a big reason for it was religion. So at an early age, I realized, like, when you marry someone, you kind of have to, that's one of the things you have to be eye to eye on. They fought about religion? Yeah. Did they really, what? He's not Jewish? No, he is.

My dad is. He didn't like going to services And my mom, we didn't go every week or whatever But like the special ones Like they said like What just happened? Yom Kippur? It's like all day for two days

And it's like it's a long... And your mom goes? We all have to go And that was a lot of the fights and I just I'm nowhere near ready to be married But it's something I think about It's kind of weird

Like I don't want to date anyone Who would want to do that And it's uh But it's kind of weird Did you ever, I mean, for you, it's introducing them to your friends. Like, how, how many girls did you introduce to, like, to George and Lou's and stuff like that?

And, like, have they met Terry? I know George must have. George met Terry. Yeah. I always tried to, Kathy, my first wife, met all those savages, and she didn't like it. She didn't? She wasn't ready for it.

When you get us all together in one room, 20 years ago, it was kind of ugly. very obnoxious, very over the top. She was a girl from Boulder and shit. My wife wouldn't see it that way. My wife would see it as my friend, and she'd smile. She'd see the, you know, the same things with all of us, whatever that word is. But, no, she'd, no, I could care less what anybody thinks of a girl.

And once you don't have a mom or something like that, it really fucks it up. I brought a girl home Before my mom died I brought a couple girls home It didn't work out in my favor She didn't like it Oh I brought girls home When I was in high school

But she like She would come down And like lit and brush the couch Yeah yeah They don't like it No they didn't They don't like it But you know

And they got the right They're still moms So But she's already She told me the other day That my girl's mom Is winning Because I keep going over to eat

So she said She's glad I'm coming home Because she says She says she has to catch up Because like I don't know It's such a weird concept. Like, she already, she doesn't want me to like the other mom more.

You're a young guy, brother. You're a young guy. This is a lot of fun for you, you know, going over. You're going over with a girl. Then you bring her back here and spank her. You're filthy fucking Jew cock sucker during Yom Kippur. You banged with a Yama Khan during Yom Kippoor. At least having my services, you filthy fuck.

I'm not going to throw a Yama gun? Sure, you should fuck a little Yama Khan. Just to show who the fuck the captain. You ever fucking chick with a Yama Khan? No. They go, fuck. fucking bananas. No, they don't?

Yes, they do. I fucked the chick with a Yanmaca. She was Jewish. What are you pretending to be Jewish? No, it was her uncles. I said, let me put it on. Fuck it. If I would have had a robe and sandals,

I would have fucked with that, too. That's how I roll. You and the robe, I don't understand. The robe, the Yarmaka robe that they wear. The Jew robe, you know, not a regular fucking robe. Oh, the tallest? The Jew robe?

Yeah, the fucking Jew robe. That you get down in Temple on Saturday. So whatever, I don't fucking know. You know, the Catholic's got that fucking little Irish. Is that you? What? I don't know.

That was your... You're fucking. They got a little robe. They put on, too. Everybody, all rolled, they just put on, like, a little type robe. I'm not talking about the robe you need, but the Yamika star on it with a big gold chain and shit. Saying, fuck you. That's what we should get.

Gold chains that say, fuck you, a Yamika would fuck you in it. I love it. I love it. Like a Jew star. Now, are you... Talking about religion, it's got me thinking about it. How does Terry Field? about like Santerio because that's kind of like a

Terry is, Terry was raised fucking super religious. Yeah. They go to church twice a week. Tuesday nights, they go to church, church meetings. Yeah, even my niece, today. They still go to church. They're Christians. All right, and then on my end, you have the Catholicism.

So what I did was this. This is what I did. I cannot see a child being raised without religion. It's like having, to me. This is just to me. This is just in my fucking opinion. I was very religious when I was growing up. I believed. You know,

listen, I was very mad at God. Jesus Christ, like a fucking apocalypse now. I'm like, you know, two hours to come through my window. You know, it's so weird that I was born a Catholic. I was raised Catholic, very Catholic. You know, my mother was very Catholic.

The Santa Maria thing was a thing that's in Cuba. That's the national religion of Cuba. But it's still wrapped up in Catholicism. Now, me personally, I don't think I could have made it this long with my problems if there wasn't something out there guiding me. Really? Yeah, what it was, I don't know. I'm telling you this from the bottom of my heart. Something guided me.

Something made me open up my eyes. Something made me not think of suicide when there was so many times that I just wanted it to end. At that age, at an early age, listen, when I was walking around North Bergen last week, I was thinking about this. There was so many times I just wanted to jump the fence into that cemetery, laid down on my mother's grave and closed my eyes and never wake up again. That's all you had. So when I lost her, I lost all my faith in fucking God. That's why I started doing drugs.

That's why I went to all the shit because nothing meant nothing to me no more. Something has to mean something in this world to you. You have to have some fear of semblance. You're not going to be scared of your parents all your fucking life. But something. You know, it's like when people say God-loving, God-fearing, You know what I'm saying? Like rednecks always say that.

I feared something. I didn't know if I feared. I feared myself becoming something. And to move on, I needed something. I see that little girl, and I see my wife, and I see that my wife is 43, and I see that I'm fucking 50. And not my wife's life, but I look at my fucking life and what things I've done and what's happened and what's not happened and the things I had in my life and I didn't have in my

life. I look at that little girl, and I say something. how to put her in this world. It just wasn't. It's like how... You know why I believe in religion? What? Like I told you last week, it's a joke, but it's not a joke to me. We were born in the United States. Whether you're born in fucking Iowa, whether you're born in St. Louis,

whether you're born in North Dakota, whether you're born in California. You're born in the United States. Could have been worse. We could have been born one of those little fucking brown kids running around without shoes in Colombia, Bogota. You ever see those Bogota? Yeah. Or in Brazil, Anderson Silver. We could have been born in fucking with flies on.

us in Africa with nobody to feed us. We were born here. But even if you were born there, you have a reason to have faith. We really have to have faith since we were born here. We were born into luck. Again, this is lucky. This is something that I can't describe.

What's the difference? You ever read those fucking... You ever watch fucking the news in the morning. You see some fucking chick that had a kid and she dumps the baby in the dumpster. You know, that could have been one of us. But it wasn't. It could have been...

We could have been born in some third world, nation where my mom's lived in a fucking hut and we froze to death. We didn't. We're born in the United States, which once you're born in the United States and you have all these opportunities, you just got to run with it. You just got to make them better. I can't see you making them worse. You have all the opportunities in the fucking world. So because of those reasons, I don't know if it's a Catholic God. I don't give a fuck if it's a Christian God. I don't care if it's a Santeria God or a Jew God or a Protestant God. There's got to be something out there that at the end we pass by. I don't know. I don't fucking know. I'm not going to sit here and

argue with anybody. It doesn't mean that. that much to me. I know what it means to me. It doesn't mean for me to argue with somebody who gets into a chat room about religion because I don't really give a fuck what anybody else thinks. I'm telling you what it means to me in my life, the path that I crossed. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, so when did you

because I've gotten from the point of being a total, I was an atheist now. I thought I was an atheist. Now I'm more agnostic, like I'm not sure. And I feel like, how old were you when you got back and you started doing it? I was never a fucking atheist. I was just pissed. There's a difference between being an atheist and being pissed.

But there's something, there's something. I look at my life and there's got to be something. There was a spirit. Maybe it was my father's spirit. Maybe there's my mother spirit that guided me. It had to be somebody that guided me here that helped me make decisions that kept me out of right or wrong. I look at my daughter and look at my wife.

They can be driving. Somebody could fucking carjack him. But in the back of my mind, I always said that the same thing that took care of me is going to take care of them. Whatever force took care of me that made me go into buildings in Harlem. and I saw people with weapons and made me go left.

All those things I got myself into that protected me and got me out of all those jams. You know, the jam when I robbed a gas station and C-Quuckus, New Jersey, I robbed this fucking gas station and I used to those gas station halls and I ran into a bus fucking, into a bus place

where everybody was getting on buses and I got on a bus and whatever. And also the cows blocked the place off but they let my bus go through fucking through. You know, it's just so many things that I've sat there and go, wow. You know, when I got arrested in Boulder, the cop arrested me for something else at the time of sentencing. He didn't remember the other fucking thing.

Wait, think the guy's stupid? No. You know, there's something that makes things shine on you. And the more good effort that you do for the world, karma-wise, the more it comes back to you. I believe in karma. You know, I had bad karma. My thoughts were bad when I was young. I was bad.

Nothing good could happen when everything is bad around you, when you're thinking bad. Well, I think when I get up in the morning, I make these stupid fucking things I say on Facebook and Twitter. Because you have to believe that. I believe it now. When I was 15, I was 25. I didn't believe it. I thought every day was going to be a fucking bad day. Do you know what I'm saying?

I thought every day was going to be a bad day. How many days in the year, 365? Yeah. And I thought you'd have like 10 good days. That's not the point no more. For the last 20 years, I've had 350 good days and 15 bad days. Yeah, and you just said yesterday,

you were having a good thought. You could have been, like, on board. I'm only having lunch with my wife and my kid. You said, how lucky am I? Your phone rings and there you go to Denver. Listen, man, what? We've got a call come in. Oh, shit, it's my main man.

Joey, what are you doing? How are you, Dr. Bedech? What's happening, brother? It's early. Actually, it's not that early. I mean, I get up at 4.30, but it's early to be sitting on the phone talking to somebody. Well, get used to it because we'll be talking a lot.

How are you, my friend? I'm okay. Okay. You know, I got an email last week from one of your doctors in the office saying that, you know, you're going to go more for the Internet presence. So I went on your webpage. I got to get my glasses here. The Center for Integrative Medicine, I looked in, and I started reading, and I got some ideas. And I failed I give you a call yesterday and get you on the podcast because you're a very interesting dude, brother.

Well, thanks, you know. You know, I love you at all my heart, you know what I'm saying? And I can't come in to... I can't come in today, Doc, so I've got to come in tomorrow. The thing is closed tomorrow, right? No, no, we'll figure it out. Yeah, because I have... No, no, no, I got to go to Denver today.

Oh, that's okay. I got the oddball tour with Dave Chappelle, so I'm just leaving... Oh, great. I'm leaving it. So tomorrow, just kind of giving you a heads up on what... I mean, Jessica, I'm there. I'm there. Oh, you're there tomorrow?

I'll make sure I'm... I'll make sure I'm what time do you want to come in. I'll be there about 11. My plane lands at 10. I'm going right from the airport to you guys tomorrow. I will be there. All right. brother. So what's been going on? What is the Center for Integrative Medicine? Talk to me from

scratch. Are we on the air? Yeah, we're on the air. Right now? Yeah. Oh, gee, let me put my pants on, Joe. I didn't have any pants on. Fuck it. Put your pants on, do everything. Go to my pants on, Joe. Hold on me get the pants on. All right, bye, I got it on. Get the coffee, get the pants, get everything. Center for Irnivative Medicine, I'm the director of, it's a multi-disciplined meaning. I have medical doctors,

chiroprackers, acupuncturists, and other disciplines that would be considered to be, like, more holistic, like some people that do, you're familiar with one of them, does a bit of hypnosis, and we try to, you know, I see all the patients first, and then I determine what course of treatment would be the quickest to get to, you know, what their, you know, what they're, you know, what their ultimate goal is. And so everything is always, you know, in these fields, first of all you have to deal with all these different personalities, you know, because, you know, some doctors have different degrees of egos, et cetera,

and then you have to integrate it. So the integrative part of it is pretty funny because the hardest part to integrate to get to all the doctors to agree on the course of treatment. And that's the hardest part of having an integrated practice is, you know, Every health care professional has a little bit of a different slant. So I've decided in the last year that things work better when there's a dictator. I know in the world that's not true, but maybe it's there too. So I pretty much have to end up calling all the final shots because we sit in the meeting.

I could have five doctors and everybody has a different, you know, a little bit different idea. And ultimately, somebody has to make a decision. So I used to go, well, we'll make it a majority decision. then that doesn't work either. It kind of sounds like the way the government goes, you know. But we get very good results. We are now pretty much capable of treating everything. I mean, not if it's surgical, but we have doctors that do all this new state-of-the-art procedures

called prolet therapy and platelet-rich plasma injections that heal ligaments and tendons. Acupuncture is good. I have another acupuncture is coming. on. I have a new doctor. She has 20 years experience in emergency medicine, but she, it's kind of funny because, you know, when medical doctors that were doing straight medicine are introduced to more of a holistic, and if they decide that that is the way they want to go, it's kind of like they're born again about it. I mean, they're, so she, she was 20 years straight medicine, and now, you know, she'll say, why don't we try? Why don't we try?

try this crystal therapy. I go, you know, back, I think maybe we can hold back on the crystal therapy today. It's pretty funny because, you know, they go from one extreme to the other. But, you know, it's fun. It's, you know, it keeps me enthused. I've been in practice for 35 years, and something's got to get up in the morning and go to work. And it's good. I love it, and we get good results. I mean, I've been going in, I feel great. You know, I talk to different doctors there when I go. You know, I've tried conversations with Jimmy Lou. I've had conversations with Ray on what he does. And what's great to me, you know, I'm sick and tired of traditional medicine.

It's like traditional fucking religion. You know, that's why there's all these new age things, because you may need this, you may not need this, you may need this. I feel great, Doc, at 50. I'm going to Jiu-Jitsu. If I don't go to Jiu-Jitsu, I just started trying with the kettlebells a little bit. If I don't do the kettlebells. Yeah, I bought a 10 to 15-pound, and I'm just trying shit.

I went on YouTube, and I do the beginning. exercise on YouTube and I yeah doc I it's not even a thing of being Johnny fucking bodybuilder it's just being healthy like our parents want well you know that that's what everybody forget so you know people come in and go you know I I got this problem and that problem and I go to gym every day for you know half an hour or 40 minutes I go in the rest of your day just sitting in front of their desk for like 13 hours you know and then I I always like to say I There's very interesting research.

If you go to a third world country, there's a condition that men get it, but mostly women get it when they get older, they're called osteoporosis. That's where your bones become thin, brittle, and they can just crack, okay? They don't have that issue in third world countries. In this country, they go, oh, so when a woman is older and she's postmenopausal, they need to give them these drugs that will force, you know, calcium to go back into the bone. Well, they don't know from these drugs in third world countries. You know what they do?

They work. They women do physical work. And the physical work puts pressure on the bones and remodels them and they don't get osteoporosis. And, you know, the new condition in the United States is everybody is now deficient in vitamin D. You know, D is in David, vitamin D. So every time, you know, Patriots, I'm in, oh, it was tested and I'm deficient in vitamin D. So I'm 65. You're 50.

When we were kids, no matter where you grew up, you know, you couldn't put much when out in the sun all day. You didn't put sunblock on. You know, you got a lot of sun. So then the American Medical Association, and, you know, they decide, especially the pharmaceutical companies, this is well, okay, they decide, don't go in the sun. Sun is bad. Okay, your skin's going to age. It'll make you prone to, you know, to skin cancer. so you need to cover yourself with these different types of creams with varying degrees of sunblock,

and now they're saying sunblock has to be up to like, pretty really strong, okay? Well, so what happens is if you don't get sun, you don't get vitamin D. If you don't get vitamin D, a whole cascade of problems happen. You know, you can't build bone, your teeth get loose, your skin's not so good, the muscles are, don't contract well, and there's a very strong link between a vitamin D deficiency and breast cancer, colon cancer, and prostate cancer. So, now you have to take supplements, all right? So, you know, it's pretty obvious.

Most, if you put a plant in the dark, unless it's a fungus, it doesn't grow. I mean, everything needs sunlight. So, you know, it's just a common-sense thing, and what it should be is the holistic health movement should be more of like, you know, I try to come from like what is common sense, what has worked through the, you know, the centuries and what, you know, every culture has, you know, different things that has worked for them. You know, but now we've moved into this area where actually science has outpaced nature because a lot of people are alive now that, you know, shouldn't have, they wouldn't have made it in previous times through childbirth

are definitely through childhood. Then, of course, we haven't had any, we haven't had any big famines, we haven't had any big wars. We just have a lot of people. So a lot of people are alive that, you know, aren't, you know, all that genetically healthy.

And that plays right into the, quote, you know, the, how would you put, you know, the, I don't want to say medicine because I'm, I'm part of medicine, but that, you know, people are not necessarily going to be really healthy, they'll just be sick enough that they need a lot of treatment.

That's kind of what's pushing out. If you watch TV, when you do with the ads for, you know, this drug and that drug and this drug and that drug and that thing, I'm not anti-drug, you know, you need drugs. But you don't need that many drugs. My average patient who comes in as a new patient, and they're coming to me because they're going to be

a little bit more holistic-minded than the average person are taking 4.5 medications. That's a lot of stuff to be taking. Those are meds. So I think the new way will be that people will take more responsibility for their health, both because there's more knowledge of what's good. And also the health care system is changing. Everybody knows that.

The new health care laws that are coming in, nobody knows what it's going to end up being or if it's going to change, how much it's going to change. And people's coverage has gotten to be very iffy, meaning their insurance coverage. So a lot of people are going to have to be paying like out of pocket. So then they will then be forced to make more educated decisions on what their health care is going to be

and who's going to deliver it. And they're going to have to take more responsibility because right now, and this is an internal study from the AMA, but the average medical visit, when you are face to face with the doctor, is under four minutes. Just because they can't, doctors can't keep their practices open, they overhead is too high, they have too many patients,

and there's just no time. You're always busy, Doc. Now, the main thing lately, one of the commercials you're talking about, you know you see the Cristora for lower cholesterol and all that shit but the thing you've seen the more of now

this is the new trend is the testosterone the little half of fruit guy with the fucking wig that says oh I don't know I don't feel like fucking no more maybe you know whatever you know he's got the little cream

that he sprays on that's the new that's the new thing for men what do you give me the whole load down on that doc all right well hormone replacement for men is like it's so exciting.

Of anything that I've ever seen, you know, if a man comes in and we determine whatever their age group that they have insufficient testosterone either, they're not making enough testosterone on their own, something happened to stop that from happening, whatever the end result is, and however we get to getting to normal testosterone, their life changes.

They get, and these are people that are seriously low. It's like their light goes back on. And testosterone is not all about, you know, I'm virulent. I get laid all the time and I get erections. It's the subtle things. It's like your focus, your drive, your ability to start and finish projects, belly fat, loss of muscle in others your body, not resuscals. responsive to exercise.

And, I mean, the last thing that goes is your libido, because, you know, the earth was populated by our forebearers, and maybe they didn't, there's a safeguard. They just put a safeguard system in that you don't need an insane amount of testosterone to actually have, you know, do it to have sex. But the wanting meaning, you know, like when you're younger, you know, everything that moves, you're going to try to go. You know, and when you get older, and even some guys are younger, they just lose that. And that's all part of that whole mailness.

And we can get into a whole, you know, discussion on, you know, how we've become feminized, or we're doing that. But the end result is we had a lot of men coming in, even in their late 30s, that we do every test possible determinant, do they have something wrong as to why they're not making testosterone? and really all it is is that they're just not making it. It's called hypogonadism, and they just don't make as much. And it does go along a bit with infertility, meaning inability to, you know, father-children, but not that much because all you need is one swimmer to get there.

You know, you just need one swimmer. Now, Doc, let me ask you a question. When you're 22, let's say, and you're slinging dick, and you're going out every Friday and Saturday night, what are the levels of testosterone in your body at that age the level of testosterone there's something called there's total testosterone and then you're looking at something called bioavailable so the total testosterone in a male at his peak you know production all things being you know figured out

you know taking into consideration is somewhere around 1200 So 1,200 nanograms per deciliter, it's a number, okay? Then from that you look at what's bioavailable, and you'd like to buy available to be about half of that number. And that means you have, that's the testosterone level that most men have healthy men when they're in their peak. Now, changes a little bit, meaning there's more alpha males,

meaning men that are more aggressive in any realm, in the business world, in the athletic world, they tend to run higher testosterone. And those higher testosterone levels have nothing to do with sexual orientation, whether you're straight, whether you're gay. It's just all about your, you know, how you move about in life. I mean, if you're, like, sit in the corner all day, you don't go out of the house, et cetera.

Those are not, you know, people that are going to have to be. high levels, but they'll still have sufficient levels. I mean, the lowest, I mean, I actually, you know, see some adolescent boys that the pediatricians missed a diagnosis when they were young, and, you know, they're like a little bit pudgy, you don't have any body hair, you know, they're not looking very developed, and it's sad because, you know, that should have been addressed when they were younger, and really the only thing you do for them is if it is what's called primary hypogonadism where they just not they just never started making it that they're going to go on testosterone right away but that leads me to you know something

I wanted to bring it up the the ads on television for Cialis and these other erectile dysfunction drug there's a new one called Cialis for daily use right you see that commercial yeah you know and it's a low dose you use every day that's actually an an excellent drug for almost any man. Those drugs don't really have major side effects at low doses. They don't have any. But what it does is when guys are young, there's always a lot of blood down in the genitalia.

That means there's a lot of blood down there. It doesn't take much to get going because there's already blood they're ready to go. And what that daily UCLIS does is it puts a, sufficient amount of blood in there, so everything just kind of hangs a lot better. It just looks better. But the medical reason for using that is when you increase blood flow down there, your prostate health is much better because you're keeping things flushing through. So, I mean, when you see those ads and they laugh,

but those actually have excellent medical, you know, reasons. It's actually good. We try to put a lot of people on that. Hey, doctor, I was watching a commercial the other day for like a roll on testosterone and it looked like a deodorant. Yeah. And the list of side effects was like terrible. Like it sounded like worse than, like, what, is it, do you use that one or what, like, is it safe? Like, do people ask if it's safe or what?

Here's the thing. Okay, first of all, any of the commercial delivery systems, where you roll on under your arm or you put some others, they're very, they're pretty weak to begin with, okay? They don't really, we don't have much effort and they don't work well. Okay, now, every time you see an ad, because it's the new law now in the last like seven

years, they have to put any and all side effects that they have to list in something called the PDR, which is the physician's desk reference, okay, so that lists all the adverse side effects, and they have to list every single one them okay so then you got to determine and you have to talk to your doctor who's supposed to be up on

this and what are the chances of these things happening when it comes to hormone replacement testosterone done correctly okay I almost don't even have to think about side effects once you figure out what you're what you're doing with the patient again now this comes into the here comes to the play now is the doctor has to know what the hell he's doing Okay, for instance, all these testosterone applications that you see like that, you know, roll on into your arm, et cetera, they don't mention, and I'm going to get, I will pretty much more than guess, and 90% of the doctors in the field, they go, that seems like an answer to the, I'll check testosterone, or all they check is total testosterone. They don't seem to a little low, let's try this, okay? But they don't take into consideration one that's supposed to be observing the patient. If this patient looks to have like excess breast tissue, et cetera,

that means they probably have elevated estrogen, which is a female hormone already. So more importantly than giving them testosterone is to figure out why they're converting their testosterone to estrogen. So see, half the side effects that you hear on that commercial has to do with testosterone converting to estrogen. Or another thing, one other thing. And so that means that if you're smart enough as a doctor to know that those conversions are possible,

you either can do another blood test on the line to check and see, or if you're pretty confident in your skill level, you go, I'm not even going to let this happen. We're going to give you something else that also has no side effects so you don't convert your testosterone into estrogen. So that was a big, long little dissertation by me. basically he's saying that it's most important that the doctor that is prescribing your medications, in this case testosterone, really, really understand, because doctors in the field don't understand this.

And if you think it's bad for men with testosterone, and that's the majority of who's listening this morning, but for women, it's almost insane the amount of bad information disseminated by doctors, and other health care providers to women that are either premenopausal or postmenopausal about what they should do about managing their hormones. Because they have estrogen and testosterone, and they are crazy. The stuff that they do to these women is horrible. Because the large part of my practice is still, you know, women. And I mean, they're true.

It's as bad as it is for men getting misinformation, women, can get more. So I don't think you have to worry about if you go to somebody who knows what they're doing, again, and it's in everything. I mean, would you go to a psychiatrist and he hands you a psychiatric medication? Julian and I was just talking about that. And he goes, well, this will do this. But it may do this, this, this, this, this, this, this.

And if that happens, then I'm going to give you this. It does this, this, this, this. But if this then happens because of that, and before you know it, You're on five psychiatric medications that are all, all have their own side effects, and then the doctor's trying to manage all this stuff. And hormone replacement is much more straightforward. And the way I present this to patients, as I say, you want to think of your hormone system as a symphony, okay, or a rock band, whatever, there's music playing from different instruments.

and you don't want one section of the symphony or one instrument playing so loud or playing too softly. You want to balance it, okay? You want to have balanced hormones. Balanced hormones doesn't necessarily mean loading up a bunch on one hormone. It could mean taking two or three in lower doses to get to a little. to get to more of a balanced level. And hormonal balance is difficult in theory, but in practice it's not very difficult.

Because the body also has a lot of safeguard. It's not going to let a lot of things happen unless you kind of go through it. What I mean is like you kind of push through barriers. To go into like a bodybuilding gym or watch professional wrestling, they don't look like that. because they're working out that much harder than somebody else.

They take a lot of different things to make their bodies go into a mode which is actually against with nature once, meaning it's not efficient to be 5 foot 9 and 285 pounds of muscle, overly developed muscle, because nature is always thinking about survival. So that's not an efficient way to have to kind of like run away from somebody, okay, or to get into a fight because you can't even lift your arm up. So the body has all these safeguards. So it's difficult to take too much of hormones if the doctor is doing things correctly. But again, in those situations we're talking about where, you know, for bodybuilding and for professional wrestling,

and notice they didn't mention other sports because those are the sports that have, you know, for bodybuilding. have the most problems with abuses of testosterone, steroids, etc. It's bodybuilding and professional wrestling because it's more of a show and how big you can get and how freaky you can look. So let me ask you this, Todd. Yeah. When is it when you start dropping testosterone? How old are you when the level start dropping?

Okay. That's a good question. Pretty smart, Joe. But anyway, so look, what's the point? If you went back 100 years. to your great-great-grandfather. I'm going to guarantee that his testosterone levels, if he was healthy, stayed higher longer than ours do.

I do not. I have theories, but I have no clue why it looks to me that every generation has a little bit lower testosterone at that, say, we'll pick a number, in age 40. At age 40, the generation that is now age 60 had higher testosterone levels at 40 than the group that's 40 right now. You know, a small percentage, but it looks like it looks like it is just dropping. So that's what I'm saying.

You know, I listen to everybody's symptoms and I make a determination. I'm not like fishing for hormone low levels on people. You know, sometimes you go to a doctor and you're working with a plastic surgeon. That plastic surgeon wants to do plastic surgery, right? So they're going to be looking at things. I try to listen to exactly what the patient is saying and provide what I think either my facility or somebody else can do. But when it comes to hormones, most of the time patients come in

and it gets around to, like men, they're going to say, I'm more tired than I should be. Then you've got to determine, well, you're tired because of, you know, you're out partying all night. You have to determine what the reason is. And if they give you enough reasons to start looking in a hormone level, then you're looking at a hormone level. But, you know, your question on age, it's kind of tough because,

I could have guys in their late 20s, early 30s that come in, and they have what's called primary hypogonadism. It's just, it's not a cut and dry age. But I'll pretty much say that 90% of the patients that come to see me that are 50 years old, do me. not have optimum testosterone levels. Let me ask you something else. What's the difference between taking testosterone therapy and the other well-known, the H-G-H

or the, I don't really know, Doc. Okay, all right. So, again, testosterone is the primary male hormone. It's called an androgen. There's another antigen called D-A-A and then endosin, et cetera. But growth hormone is what makes us grow. Okay, soomatotrophin, it's a pituitary gland, its highest, much, way high in when you're young, babies, and they're moving higher, higher, higher, and then it progressively drops off. So doctors that were interested in anti-aging thought they found the fountain of youth in growth hormone.

But realistically, again, growth hormone is just another hormone. If you are very low in growth hormone, if you're low in growth hormone, you will feel better going on growth hormone. But if you put growth hormone for a man up against testosterone, it's about 10,000 to one as far as benefit. That's how much more of the benefit it would be to be on testosterone. Now, once you get into a certain age group that I'm kind of approaching, post-70-75, then growth hormone actually becomes something. as a person actually knows they're taking. Because, see, there's no way, I mean, I've even done studies in my office where someone wanted to go and growth hormone.

We gave them growth hormone, H-T-H, and gave them for a couple months, ran some blood work, you know, things looked, I can't say appreciably better, certainly not worth the amount of money it costs. But then if you give them just some, like, fake growth hormone, which would be like bacteria, aesthetic water, they, again, cannot tell any difference. All right. So growth hormone does potentize testosterone and vice versa to a degree. But it's very expensive, and I mean expensive.

I mean, you know, $6, 700 a month, you know, out of your pocket. So it's hard for me to rationalize for people to be taking something that has, a minimal effect. Now again, if you're a professional bodybuilder or you're trying to do, like a lot of times in Hollywood, actors have to get ready for a part. They have to get in shape fast, okay? If you take a bunch of growth hormone for a few months

combined with other steroids, testosterone, et cetera, you can lose body fat pretty quick. The problem is that body fat law, is never permanent, okay, because nobody can afford or for health reasons stay on that high a dose of growth hormone. So, you know, it sounds great. Growth hormone, HGH, but in theory, it's nowhere in there as important for men as testosterone. Maybe down the line, there's new research, there's some new things that combine, that would look at growth hormone a little. differently that are in the works.

There's another medic, there's another, it's not really a steroid. It's something called a selective androgen receptor modulator. And what they do is they will actually target muscles and make, you can remodel a muscle. Just the muscle, there's no feedback

system to your, to your, you know, other systems. So there's actually, you know, potentially no side effects. What we worry about, though, is we already have a health crisis in the United States. We have too many people, too many old people, Social Security, Medicare is running out.

So, and what I'm saying is not some, you know, conspiracy thing. They can't afford for us to stay alive past, you know, the age. Because, you know, in the old days, our parents put money from Social Security, and maybe they got some back or maybe they didn't because, you know, you get it at 65, and the guys were dead at 67. So now you're going to live to be 95-100. You know, there's no money. So I definitely, I've been to Washington

and see kind of where this is going, and where it's going is they can't keep you alive. I mean, they can't afford. There's no money for something we get older. So I get off on another tangent on you. I'm sorry. No, no, no. Doc, let me explain something to you.

You are, this is interesting shit this morning. And the reason why I ask you those questions that's that these guys, you know, that's the answers that a lot of people hit me up, Doc, they wanted to hear you back on here. And what I made a mistake was when I had John last time is I didn't promote your web page. I read it from time to time, even the stuff about green tea and all that. You have a great webpage, I think people should go to it. It's a center for integrative medicine and go read up.

And if you want to go see the Breditsch, if you're in the California area, you know, call the number and stood up an appointment. Like I said, you got Jimmy there. You got, you know, I had a hard time. I went to you and you referred me to Anja and I'm you know I'm rolling around with 25 year olds at Jiu-jitsu I'm not running laps and I'm not going for no fucking marathon but at least I'm able to work out at 50 oh yeah no it's helped me brother you've helped me tremendously yeah but you also had you also want to get better and and what I you know what I always like is that you have to have the desire you know to get better or to find out what's wrong

then you have to find a doctor that fits with you and then you know pretty much things just kind of they go in the right direction I mean I'm listening to your voice and you said that you were in the 70 year old range and Lee and I looked at me like fucking you don't sound even 55 you sound tremendous on the phone

you're alert when I go see you you're always moving forget how he sounds he looks like a like a linebacker yeah you look like you look great brother Just before you get in, Joe, I got to do a couple of lines, though, to get in it, because that's not really me. I'm joking, I'm joking. No, look, it's all about attitude, too, okay? I mean, I didn't come into this world with a great, you know, great genetics. My mother, rest of her soul, she, you know, she smoked like three packs of cigarettes, probably drank 25, 30 cups of coffee while, you know, I was in there rolling around trying to get out.

and, you know, those are great things, but then I had a grandmother on my mother's side, but she died at 98, but her mother in Sicily died somewhere like north of like 110. But then, you know, my grandfather died of 55, so it's all about, you know, genetics, and then you learn about it, you go, that's really great, and then you go, you know, so what, you just do the best you can, and you try to keep, I mean, for me, because I love my work, I'm, you know, I'm enthused during the day, but trust me, at home, that sofa's looking pretty good.

But I don't get home. I work 12 hours, so after 12 hours, you're okay to sit on the sofa, right? Doc, I love you. I'm happy you call in. I'll call you when I get in tomorrow or if not.

I'll just come in Friday and get the shot, Doc. It won't really throw me off. Will it, Doc? No. Okay, so the Center for Integrative Medicine, that's where they go. And Doc, thank you for calling it. A lot of people are going to be happy

because a lot of people email. Stay beautiful. All right. No, that guy's interesting as fuck, bro. You know, and for you people, I got a lot of emails about Dr. Bidici. He was on one of the live podcasts. One of the live podcasts with Josh Wolfe, so, you know, Josh, I've shown the guy because he's a comedian, but, oh, I sit with this guy and I talk to him. He's got a lot of interesting things to say.

I know it was early. I know you guys are like, you look bored. We're not bored. I'm just sitting here and fucking are because the guy's fucking smart. If any of you guys are 35 and you feel a little sluggish and you're, you know, you're, you're a little sluggish, You need to finger up the ass every time. This is the guy to call if you're in the California area. Or if not this guy, there's got to be one of these centers close to where you live,

where it's holistic health care. Listen, man, I love my doctor. I'm very happy and proud that I have fucking insurance. But at the same time, sometimes it's like organized religion. Sometimes it's like going to study karate. Maybe you want to learn a couple of things at once. MMA. Everything evolves.

Everything fucking evolves. So give it a shot, cock suckers. Go to Center for Integrative Medicine. take a look. If not, if you want to start taking care yourself, go to fucking Onit. That's what you do. Go to Onet and get those little day packs I've been taking in the fucking mornings. Those little 15 packs, they got everything in there. Take that. Take the hemp protein. This morning, I was fucking starving. I was just thinking about that. And I had one of those hemp protein shakes. Again, my stomach is fucking great. I'm not making noises. Go to Onet.

What are you pressing the box, little brother? Church. Church. Church. Church. C-H. You are C-H. Church, bitches. And see what the fuck happens. Your life will fucking change. What are you making a little noises for him? I was trying to figure out how to do the C. I don't know how to do an arm. I'm going to stab you in a little uncucked sucker. You want to, what, like YMCA? Yeah. Some shout-outs.

Jason Seagars. The Habeon, I love you, motherfucker. Joe and Delacado, Perry Brooks, creative living out there doing fucking web designs and graphic designs. I love you motherfuckers. Mad Dog. And Yan Fu always give me the fucking love

and respect to Lee and everybody Let me tell you what I did the last couple days, guys. I shaved with that shave butter. Yeah. Dollar Shave Club sent me. You guys have no fucking idea what you're missing. Dollar Shave Club. You get the razors.

You get the shaving cream. You get the fucking asshole wipes. And you control your package and your budget. You want to get just two blades a month, right? A dollar a fucking month. That's $12 a year and you're shaving. You're not, you know, you're shaving. And that's all that fucking matters.

Is it not? For $6 a month, what do you get? You get two. No, you always get four blades, four heads. Four heads. It's two blades, three blades, or four blades. See what I'm saying? That's why Lee Syattati.

He breaks it down a little bit better. But that's $6 a month. That's what? 12 times six is what? 72. 72, who's fucking better than Lee? And then you have the $9 package. That comes at the shave butter.

That comes at the asshole wipe. That comes with the blade. That comes at the blade with the fucking aloe strips or your skin feels nice and shit. I shaved my guineules yesterday. Bam, that's $9, which is $108 a year. correct? No,

1096. There you go. I'm all fucking confused today. This reef is killing the money. I'm done. You know, you're right, 108, sorry. Yeah, who do you think you're dealing with?

So this is what I'm trying. I'm breaking it down for you that way so you see what you spend in a fucking year. 100 for raises. That's what you spend the month drinking coffees hanging out with your little faggy fucking buddies

at coffee bean. I'm thinking you're going to Europe this summer. Go fuck yourself, you cock sucker. Anyway, what's up, dog? You don't have played the fuck. fucking music for me. What's the story? I played all the music for you.

What did you play fame for me? I'm playing it right now. Go right, then play it. What do you want to interrupt our doctor? You just smoke enough free for today? Oh shit. And like I said, Friday motherfuckers, we're live at the Ice House.

Lisa, at myself. 8 o'clock. Then the 10 o'clock show is my man Red Band with some fucking hitters. That's how we do it. This is one of my all-time favorites. Smoking dope on a Wednesday morning. What?

No more this later. Not right now. Have you wiggled funk with Joe yet? He's only sit-up since my jumping jacks. You're gonna fuck around with the kettlebell. Like one. Huh. Hmm.

Oh shit. Suck it, bitch. Oh shit. Lick that motherfucker. Dollar Shave Club. Come on. Oh shit. Do you listen to music when you have sex?

No. No. How old am I eight. When I have sex, it takes longer to put the music on, and then the sex is going to last. I'll be the liar of you. I'll tell you I sling. major league dick oh shit I have a funny fan is gonna be a good fucking weekend you got

John Jones gucesters he's fighting on 10 fuck yeah wildin oh we got some good fights on that Matt Mitreone Brendan Schwab oh he I ooh suck it motherfuckers what else we got we got Portland next week that shit crackleacking when we got time to fuck around let me tell you something else too sons of anic he was okay last night Not that great. You know, it didn't... Fucking, like, Senga died, whatever, got shot in a fucking head.

He killed him. Who the fuck knows? I don't know. I don't know. I wish they used your description for the TV guide. A little Mexican Puerto Rican guy dies. I don't know.

Whatever. The fucking kid that shot the mother, all this drama to fucking do that. I don't even know what went down. Clay wants to see fucking, what's his name in jail? We don't even need to do a spoiler alert today. Fuck. Spoiler.

We didn't watch it. Go fucking mother. No, but you didn't. Spoil anything. Spoiler alert. What the fuck? I don't know. It's like fat metal alert.

Fat man alert. I'm going to Dumbum. I'm going to have some green chili over my nice green chili. Fucking bowl of green chili to me. Ooh. Just smoochish and shit like a motherfucker. Let me tell you something with her. Sons of anarchy.

What other fuck you want to watch? Go to Hulu plus. Dot com slash Joey. Hulu plus. Two free weeks. I'm giving you two free weeks. This is the deal we cut with these fucking people for you cucks on this. two free weeks, and after that's $7.95 a month.

That's $8 a fucking month times 12. 96. Oh, shit. So for $200 a year, you can shave and fucking watch television, if you will. That's how I roll. You always get in a fucking deal from something. You get 10, 15 points off, for Honet. Plus the email I talked to Aubrey yesterday.

We're going to shoot a video in October for Honest. I love it. Forget about it. It's fucking, I'm telling you. It's going fucking down, you cocks suck. And you could watch Hulu Plus on the plane today. If you wanted to. I am.

I'm going to try it to that. You could bring on your phone. Who do you think? With glasses on it? Yeah. I can't see everything on this fucking phone. Yes, you can. You know, I'm an old man.

You don't have to see shit. You have the Hulu Plus app. You press it, and you got your shows right there. You sure? Yeah. Am I sure? I'm the flying Jew. I'm always sure.

Look at you with a little fucking ego and cock suck. What, the stabbing in the neck? You little fuck. What, the e-sigarette? I'll fucking poke you in the eye and then I'll kick you in the esophagus. This is what he says to me last night right before he goes to bed.

How would you like it if I kicked you in the shins and then me in the esophagus. I don't even know where the esophagus is. I think it's in your throat. Yeah, it's right here. See, I'm getting better. I'm getting better with geography.

I'm getting better with the fucking esophagus. Guess what? What? When I went to talk to that dude at Valley College, he got me a tutor. He said it would be. work better for me so I can pay the two that meet with the tutor twice a month, go

over my history, and I can read the chapters and I'm going to do that instead. Oh, that's, I think that's good. That's better. That's what I need. I'm sick and tired of being a fucking retard. I'm going to learn my history, and I'm going to argue with you motherfuckers about history. I'm going to get down. I'm going to become a fucking history. Any specific history?

American history from fucking A to Z. I'm starting with that. I'm going to go meet him on Monday and get my book and everything. Are you going to homeschool ? Are you really? No, I'm going. I'm not going to homeschool. Mercy, I'm not homeschool me. I got enough problems with me being me.

I'm trying to be fucking smart here. You know what I'm fucking idiot. I would love to see, like, just the little school desk, like you and Hirsten next and a little Twitter. Let me tell you something. I would consider doing, like, a homeschooling with kids and fucking take him to the next level. Home school with Uncle Joey.

Oh, no. Fuck, you know. These little kids are getting jipin nowadays. 18 to a fucking class. You know. 18 to small class. I know. I know.

It's crazy. But no, that's awesome. That does sound better because you won't have to go to the school and sit there for a whole class. Listen, I didn't care how I did. I just want to learn something. I got nothing against sitting in a fucking classroom, bro. I got nothing against that. I got nothing against being with somebody and asking them questions.

I just knew it wasn't going to work online. No. You know, it wasn't going to work online because I'm horrible with comprehension. I got to read something 18 fucking times. You know what 18 times means? Time. That takes a lot of time. I rather just do it once with you, read the assignment,

Make my questions and ask you and then break it down that way. It's going to be cheap. It'll be affordable. And I don't have to go to fucking college on Tuesday nights and I do it Monday morning. I don't do shit during the fucking week anyway. That's awesome.

This is what I want to do, people. I'm doing it. Same thing. It's never too fucking late, people. Who gives a fuck? Get out. They try everything. And eventually you'll find what the fuck you want to do, man.

Like I said, I laid bricks. I cooked at a fucking TGIFs. Did you really? Yeah, I wanted to be a bartender. They wanted me to be a bartender. cook first and start then you move to the kitchen fuck that shit through seniority and shit like I got time for seniority

were you good cook look at me I'm not a good anything you understand me I wasn't a good cook I was a dishwasher oh that's a shitty John Denver's restaurant and Aspen in Snowman's Village I was a dishwasher and a prep cook I did it all just like you fucking guys do it all and eventually

you find something and you kick and then you take your dick on you so I found it that's it but after you find you got a stick to it and you got to do it and you got to commit. Commitment is the whole fucking thing. If you don't commit to it, it don't matter. Commit and tell everybody to suck your dick and that's it. You only got time and everything

works itself out, Lee. Now, do you think this is going to help your comedy? Like, the tutoring? Everything helps. Everything helps. The more you learn, the more you fucking listen. That Stephen King book, he stresses to be a good writer, you have to read.

You have to read. You have to read. You have to read, and you have to keep reading different authors and different styles, and eventually you'll find what the fuck you want to write and how you want to write. It all starts with reading, in my thing. When I read and I write every day, I'm a better comic that night.

Did you know that? If I go to LitLift.com and I write a few chapters or a few paragraphs, I'm a way better comedian that night. Oh, really? Yeah, sure. When I read two, three fucking paragraphs in a book or whatever the fuck it is, I make time and I make notes in my mind.

That means I get more. I'm wider up on stage. You know, I feel it. I feel it. I know there's days when I just go up on stage cold and it's a nightmare. If I don't read

and I haven't written it sometime, and I'm not even talking about writing comedy. Maybe that day I feel like writing poetry, but as long as I make my mind think and I exercise it, you know, everybody goes to this luminosity. It's so funny. I met with somebody about a month ago

we're talking about writing. I spent $10,000 on writing books. Me and my wife, we threw way more writing books than people have. writing and with writing I tell you what you could read a book on how to do it and then it's just doing it it's like anything else you can go learn jih Tzu every day you can learn you jitua at home online unless you do it mat time is

mat time getting choked up and putting your arm there the only way you're gonna learn is by doing it same thing with kickboxing same with editing and what you do I can't I can learn to edit out oh my god this is me but only as you read it you ain't going to want to edit you know what I'm saying I can show you this card and Oh my God, that's why people crack me up And they're like, oh, the editing in them, What the fuck do you know about editing? What the fuck?

I hate those fucking me. All the writing was, what the fuck do you know about writing? You're a fucking plumber. Know it what the fuck you know, all right? Right away, he was a poetry. Shut the fuck up. But I just feel that. For me to be a better writer, I have to be more,

I have to read more. For me to be a better reader, I have to write more. And it all goes hand in hand. This is a language of words. Yeah. So anything I do with words, or thought or I don't live it. If I do math every day,

if you did 10 algebra projects, 10 algebra things every day, you know how smart you would fucking be? You know, people all of a sudden in society are getting down on school. You see that. You've been reading that. Yeah, that Walt Smith kid said something stupid. A lot of fucking people. I had a conversation in New York

with a woman who fucking had me convinced. She made a lot of sense about school and why she homeschools and what the benefits are to her and her child. She didn't want her child in a building every fucking day inside learning what I mean she had you know but that takes a lot of work and commitment and you have to have money and time

and you know you have to have a plan you know you have to have some type of knowledge on your own this shit I don't fucking have I wish I had a way to homeschool you know I wish I knew how to homeschool and teach people I know to teach people the other fucking things you know I think it's I think there's a social thing

and plus like you like you're going to have to go to work every day so unless you're planning I'm working from home like I think school is mainly social and learning, it's not even really about the learning. It's learning how to be a person, and it's, but it's, uh, it's kind of weird. Like, I, like, I didn't mean, like, your,

your comedy would have history, like, you wouldn't be telling history jokes, but it's, uh, you're, like, you're exercising your brain, kind of, and it's... But think of how brilliant that is, when somebody does do a fucking history joke. Think how, I thought, I love it. I love when somebody makes fun of something that we all look at it and say,

like politics. If I really know about politics, I'd be fucking, and lethal. Because I look at the other stuff, but I don't know the true meaning. So if I look at the outside stuff, then somebody's going to come back to me, hey, stupid, you don't know about this. So do you understand and told me about politics? There's stuff that comes out politically that you sit there and go, this is the dumbest fucking thing ever.

And I could talk about that, but I don't know the underlying stuff, so I don't want to seem... Do you want to make political jokes with stuff like that? No, but if it's there, you got to make it. If something happens on Diane Sawyer, if she talks about something and you're sitting there going, And what the fuck is that? You know, it's like, come on. So you killed Osama bin Laden when you threw him in the fucking ocean.

Yeah. I never understood that because he was radioactive. The reason they said is they didn't want, they didn't want to, like, give, like, his followers, like, a place to go to, like, to mourn him. Oh, you had to take a picture of the fucking body and then we'd throw him overboard. Yeah.

They did. Take a picture of the fucking guy. They even took a picture of Jesus with him fucking hanging there, wasn't he? Wasn't he not? Yeah. They showed us Jesus. So they didn't show us fucking Obama, Osama.

Whatever his fucking name is, Osama bin Laden. Yeah. Okay, so some people are like, they kill them, they threw in the ocean, they say, I want to see the motherfucker. Isn't it particular that even when they kill a body on the fucking street, even with the Syrian, gasped everybody, they showed the people

running down the street, and they showed the little kids lying there, they show all that shit, which is even more horrific. We would have wanted to see Obama, Osama bin Laden, but they didn't see it. Anybody see Osama bin Laden? That's hysterical to me. I try not to think about it because

But it's okay That right there alone That right there alone Is fucking hilarious That us as the American public Never saw a picture of this guy On the boat shot In the fucking head

Bleeding from his fucking neck But they show us little kid We're fucking tear gas And they're like They show us Diane Nyad Coming out of the water With her leg shaking Like somebody fucked up for 12 hours

You know what I'm saying? You follow what I'm trying to say to you We see all these other things That right there is fuck Where's these fucking? Fucking pictures. Show me something. A leg of him hanging there. His turban. Something. Show me his fucking turban. Shut off

with a bullet going through it. I didn't see nothing. That is fucking hilarious. You're right. Okay? And I'm not a fucking conspiracy. I don't give a fuck about Bigfoot or where he lives. Leave that motherfucker. I give a fuck about how much it costs to eat. To how much the price of bread is every fucking week.

You know, I got to go to Target instead of fucking Routts because they charge him an extra dollar for fucking Wonderbread at Rout. You think I give a fuck about where the fucking Bigger's. foot is or who's seen him or who hasn't fucking seen him? Are you fucking kidding me? Get it together, cocksuckers. Tonight, I'm in Denver. Friday. Me and Lee Syatt

at the beautiful fucking ice house stage two, eight o'clock, be there. Tremendous guests, we're never going to tell you who the fuck it is. Next week, me and Lee, we're going to be in helium up in fucking Portland. And that's how that goes, cock suckers. So get your shit together. We love you. Again, I want to thank our sponsors

on it. I want to thank Hulu Plus. I want to thank Dollar Shave Club. Everybody's pussy should be fucking shaved with Dollar Shave Club for a dollar a month. I don't give a... I'm like, I got to talk to that fucking guy again. Tell them about like little heart designs for your clitoris, whatever fucking is. Puttubly. No, I can't.

I'm working Sunday so I can go to Portland. I can't wait. You're working Sundays. You're going to give you edibles in Portland. They got an edible for you important. You stick up your ass. Like a little tube that shoots T. T.H.C. into your body.

I don't trust you. I'm not taking anything to give me, shove it up my ass. You're doing whatever the fuck. We give you, Cucksucker. You would definitely give me something weird. You'd be like this is this T.HC and it ends up being, I don't know. You just want to have the video. Forget it.

And the fart in the face is still coming. We talked about it the other day. We haven't forgotten for all you people that are waiting for Lee to take the fart to the face. We've got big plans for you. At this point, he's even going to open up his mouth, he said. No, I said that's the thing I don't want to do. Ah, you got to open your mouth. I tell these people where to go.

Tell them what they got to do. I love you guys. Have a great, great week. can be fucking safe. Don't let nobody fuck with you. Tell you how that you're going for it. Fuck all these motherfuckers. Now that the show's over,

don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com. Or go to JoeyDiaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus baner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shaveclub.com. You'll get high-quality razors sent to your door,

each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollar shaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joey dyes.net and click on the dollar shave club aner. We love you. Have a good weekend. Breakfast with no jacker in sight and everything is all right. I got a beat homies and I'm axing y'all. Which on the court and I'm troubled. Last we fucked around and got a triple double.

Freaking niggas every way like MJ. I can't believe today was a good shit. The showers. Get no static from the cowards Because yesterday Them booze tried to blast me Saw the police and they rolled right past me No flexing

Didn't even look in a nigger's direction As I ran the intersection With the short dog's house They was watching your on TV raps What's the haps on the craps? Shake them up, shake them up, shake them up, shake them up, shake them Roll them in a circle of niggas And watch me break them with the 7.7-Eleven

7-11 7-11 Seven even back don't little Joe Body I know got killed in South Central