The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #092 | TIM DILLON | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Wednesday, August 25th..... Today we talk with our Friend & Comedian, TIM DILLON…. Follow Tim on Social Media:  https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon https://www.twitter.com/timjdillon This episode is brought to you by Me Undies, Zip Recruiter & CBD Lion..... Go to https://www.MeUndies.com/JOEY Promo Code: JOEY | 15% & FREE SHIPPING! Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com PROMO CODE: JOEY or JOINT Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TimDillon The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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Let's get this podcast started. We got Tim Dillon on here today. We ain't got time to play games, people. Let's do this. What's happened, you beautiful motherfuckers? It's Wednesday. The 25th of fucking August. That's it.

We're getting close to the fucking Labor Day. The summer's coming to a fucking end, and we're making it happen. I'm still away, but we've had time to do the fucking podcast for you, and we got a great guest This week, it's fucking weird, man. Comedy, you never know anything about comedy.

You know, when you get into comedy, you get in there with this blind, you know, you don't want to, you don't know where you want to go. You don't want to raise your head and say, I'm a comic and I want to be a movie star. I'm a comic and I want to have a fucking TV show. You're getting ahead of yourself. You never know where you're going to end up. So when you become a comic, like I did, I just. became a comic to become a comic. I didn't become a comic to be on TV. I didn't become a comic to be on HBO. I just wanted a life and I didn't want to be a fucking criminal anymore. That's the only

reason why I got into comedy. It was the last resort for a guy like me. Sometimes, you know, I had no fucking GED. I had a GED. I didn't have anything going on. Then I got the felony and I knew I couldn't keep beating the fucking same old drum. So comedy was something I could fucking tolerate. If you saw me on stage in 94, could you tell that I was going to be something? No. No, not at all. You know, I couldn't fucking tell. I was lucky if I would just be able to stay in comedy for 10 years, never mind 30 fucking years. By the time I was doing comedy five years, I had an identity. You know, you have an identity. It's like, it's like when you, you're you hear three chords on a fucking guitar.

You know, you know if it's David Gilmore, you know, if it's Jimmy Page, you know, if it's fucking, you know, if it's the guy from fucking Motley crew, I mean, you know from their chords, they don't have to tell you, Eric Clapton, you know, and that's what happens with stand-up. You start seeing people,

and you go, wow, that person's getting better, you know. You never think that that person's going to be a star. you could just that's why I love watching comedy I always loved watching comedy and watching my friends do comedy because you could tell like holy shit

they're going somewhere with this you really don't know you know I never judge what the industry said it was always me watching you on stage going this motherfucker could rock this chick's a bad motherfucker here but I can never really

tell Then you start getting what's called industry heat, which is, you know, you start going to Montreal and the moon tower and the festivals or whatnot. And you still can't really tell because, listen, if you saw me in 1998, you would say Joey Diaz didn't have a fucking chance. The same way Rogan said it. Rogan always said that when he met me, I was struggling. So if you saw me the first seven years in comedy, you would have said, this poor bastard doesn't have a chance.

In fact, one of the things that till this day bothers me, and it was my ex-girlfriend, her brother, we went to a show one night, her brother came, and her brother looked at a comic that I was there. I think he said it to get under my fucking skin, or he said it just because he was a fucking moron.

He goes, that comic right there is going to go places. And I made a mental note. I was like, I'm going to make a mental note if this guy knew what the fuck he was talking about. I mean, it was 1995. I was only doing comedy four years. I didn't really have any expectations then. But for this idiot to say that this guy was going to be a fucking star in 20 years.

So I remember it lit a fucking light under my ass. You know, like, I'm like, I got to be funny on this guy. And it also made me stay in touch with this guy. Like, I would stay in touch with him over the year. years and the result was this i got somewhere and this guy still in this little fucking hellhole doing 50 dollar fucking gigs you know the potential was there but he didn't look at it how i did i on the other hand started off slow and picked up momentum you know like i said at In 1998, I was already a regular at the store, but I was irregular because of my presence,

not because it was going out of my mouth. It was my presence and my energy. That's what pulled me along those fucking days. I'm really proud of that. You know what? Like I've said it to you guys before. I'm no John Mullaney. I'm no Bill Burr.

I'm Joey motherfucking Cocoaias. I'm a storyteller. I do observational comedy. You know, I improvise. whatever the fuck I do. I wish I could write like those guys, but that's not the way it worked out. Everybody has a different journey on this fucking earth, you know?

And with comedy, you never fucking know. You just go. Do you think I can be on TV? I don't fucking know. I'm not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass and tell you're going to be on TV, you know, but you're not going to be on TV if you don't fucking go for it. That's the start right there.

I don't know. You know, the other night we were watching the World Series. of fucking softball. My father-in-law called, and he's like, it's eight, it's nine to 12-year-olds, see if Mercy wants to watch it,

you know? And I called Mercy. She had come out of the shower, and we're watching this fucking World Series. The fucking girl was thrown 95 miles an hour. She was 12 years old or some shit, you know? So, you know,

I could just watch girls softball for 10, 15 minutes, and then I start feeling like a fucking pedophile, but thank God I'm there with my daughter and my wife, so I don't feel even, fucking worse than what I do feel. I'm sitting there. I got my sweats on.

I'm relaxing and I'm watching this shit. And I told Mercy, Mercy, it's going to be 9 o'clock in a little while. You're going to have to hit the fucking crib. She goes, okay, Dad. And finally, she went over, kissed her mom, and she came over to me and she gave me a kiss. And then she was walking to her bedroom. She turned around.

She looked at me. She goes, you know what? One day I'm going to play softball on fucking TV. And I was like, holy fuck. and my fucking jaw dropped. And I'm like, this is fucking tremendous that for her was kind of the same thing for me.

Like I was playing basketball. I had gotten left back. I was lost. And I was trying to learn moves and fucking, you know, different things when watching college basketball and pro basketball, I would be addicted to it.

And one day I'm watching a college game on a fucking Saturday afternoon and they say something about Jersey City, you know and I was like, what the fuck? There's somebody on this team from Jersey City? And I remember I went to the courts that Sunday and I asked somebody

I was watching the NCAAs and they said there was a kid on there from Jersey City and my one friend, yeah, there's a kid on fucking North Carolina from Jersey City. He goes, I forget what his name is. So I was like, fuck it. That Monday was the final game

of the NCAA final was the end of March madness and I'll never forget I sat by the TV waiting for the game to come on and it was Marquette versus North Carol fucking liner in the finals Phil Ford all these fucking players Jerome Whitehead but when they brought up North Carolina they said starting forward a freshman from Jersey City New Jersey six foot seven inches Mike O'Coron a fucking Irish kid with bad skin and acne and I remember when I fucking, you know, because when you hear Jersey City,

it's one thing. But to see this fucking beautiful white boy come out with his baby blue fucking shirt and he was number 31 and all of a sudden on the bottom because remember hearing and seeing there's two different fucking things. When I saw Jersey fucking city,

my head blew up. It was like my daughter tasted black beans for the first time. You could see something wasn't right. She was like eight months old and she was like, she was stuttering like LeBrenno. So fucking, when I saw that, I fucking went nuts.

I was like, holy shit, that was my life's inspiration. If I got to tell you what my life's biggest inspiration was, was seeing Michael Corrin that day and Jersey City because Jersey City turns into North Bergen. And if a Jersey City kid could be on fucking TV, so can a fucking North Bergen kid. and that's how I looked at. I had to look at it that way.

That inspired me for the rest of my life. The other day I was sitting there, and I'm like, I'm thinking of calling my man, Jim Hague, he writes for one of the Jersey newspapers in Jersey City. He gave me O'Coren's number about a year ago before the pandemic, and he told me to call, I told him. I go, O'Corin inspired me in ways that I could never be fucking inspired before. And he goes, here's his number, give him a call,

and now I'm fucking embarrassed. I was embarrassed at the time But after thinking about what he did for me and shit I said fuck it It's time to call Michael Corrin So maybe we'll have him on the fucking podcast And we'll talk about how he inspired me and whatnot He coached the Nets

He's an announcer now He's great But that was For my daughter to say that to me the other day I felt like how I felt In the fucking seventh grade When I saw Michael Corrin I knew I was going to do something in my life

As crazy as it sounds and look at years later. Anyway, I'm going, I'm heading up to shoot a TV show, so 50 fucking years later, it panned out for me. Anyway, this week's guest is, you know, I'm getting older.

I love looking, when I was doing comedy, I love going to the store earlier and watching different comics do their fucking thing, you know. But I really enjoyed, I didn't enjoy the names. I enjoyed the door guy.

you know there was one guy that used to do Saturdays early I forget what is that Offalo or something in L.A. I forget what his name is he used to fucking kill me on Saturday nights.

I would go down there early just Benny Rufalo whatever is that his name Benny? I think I don't know he was just funny as fuck at the store there was some guys at the store that made me fucking laugh my ass off that you would know if, you know,

just all guys and young guys that were just really funny. You know, this guy that I had on the podcast this week, I feel that him, Schultz, you know, these guys all have the ticket on fucking comedy. It's just a matter of time before they become stars. Am I jealous? Fuck, no. I'm happier for these guys.

I'm happy for people when they strive because I want people. strive. My job is to pull people up. About 15 years ago, I met with this dude. I was talking to him at lunch. This was before I got back into stand-up and the church. And he goes, you really got to work stand-up and be a mentor for younger guys, you know, give them light. Because the more light you give them, the more light you'll get. And he was right. This is what Rogan has done over the years with his podcast. You've got to give younger comics light. You can't be jealous of them or judge them or say they're going to suck.

Fuck no. You got to say, you know, fucking salute and fucking wishing the best. And this guy I called last week, we talked, I heard something about him, I checked on him, and I asked him if you want to do the podcast and we had a great time.

So here he is. Mr. Tim Dillon, enjoy. I'll be back at the end of this to check in with you Coxuckers. Tim Dillon, looking good. What's up, brother? How are you? How are you, my brother?

Thanks for having me. How are they treating you down in Austin? I'm about out of here, you know? I mean, I'm about, I'm little by little about to, I'm going back to Los Angeles. We just got, I got an apartment the other day. And then I have a house here that I own, but I'm, I'm going to, I'm fixing it up. And I'm going to try to maybe rent it out and hold on to it for a little bit. Absolutely.

Look at it as an investment. Where are you going? Right. You're on the road. You're doing your stuff. I'm on the road. just recovering from COVID. I got it. I don't know where I got it.

I think those bastards in Orange County gave it to me. And, you know, I'm still a little beat. I'm a little tired. But I beat most of it, but I'm a little fatigued. What is it? Like four or five days now? I got diagnosed. I tested positive last Tuesday.

Last Wednesday? Last Wednesday. And now it's, um, so Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, where, what is it? Eight days. It's eight days. So for you, no, it's a bitch.

It's a little bit of a bitch. It lingers. It lingers. You know, it's a, it lingers. It's one of those things where even after you beat it, there's levels to beating it. No shit. Yeah.

You got to take vitamins and stuff. Gotta take all that shit. You got to just, you got to, you got to rest up and build. you know, I'm walking like three miles a day now, two and a half, three miles a day, and just trying to get your energy up, things like that. But I was lucky people got it a lot worse than me. A lot of people have gotten a lot worse than you. And that's what I don't understand.

Like I know jihitsu schools. I know a bunch of people that have not gotten it. Yeah. And they're wrestling with motherfuckers every day and getting bit on the neck. And they didn't, you know, nobody has a fucking, you know. No, that's one of those. variation in our species is one of the reasons that one virus could never take us all down. It's very interesting.

A doctor explained that to me. He goes, the fact that certain people aren't getting it means that there will be no one virus that'll get everybody. So that's interesting. It's like he goes, a virus can never take out humanity because some motherfuckers just won't get it. Well, knock on wood, I haven't gotten it yet. But I'm not, you know, you never fucking know. You don't know what, you know, I swam in the Hudson. I went on triple runs and ate that foreign ass on triple runs, that Montana ass and shit.

If that doesn't build your fucking immune system, nothing will. You understand me? You've got a very strong immune system. Well, no, knock on wood. We're still not out of the fucking woods yet, you know? But you think about, you know, you've been on planes for 20 or at least for me. I've been traveling for 20 years. God knows what's on those fucking planes.

Yeah. You know, and I would always get prepared before I get on. a plane. Now I don't want to get on a fucking plane. It's just like I'm not in the fucking mood right now after 20 fucking years. I hear you. I get it. I don't want to get on a plane either, but I'll have to. But yeah, no, I think that hopefully we're on the way out of this. We're going to have it's going to be a little nasty in the fall. And then hopefully by the time we get to Christmas, New Year's, it's looking better. It's looking real good. And by the time we get to next spring we're golden.

You think we'll be able to sing in our homes this Christmas? Let's hope. And they band singing last year on Christmas. They ban, remember that? They ban singing. Yeah, they're not, I don't think they're going to ban anything. I don't think they're going to shut anything down. I think it's just, you know, we're going to have to learn to live with it.

This thing's not going anywhere. You know, in a way you should be happy. You got it over with. Yeah. You're going to live. And now you can't get it unless it's a different fucking variant. Right. And it will be.

but it will be God only knows what variance coming next I'm happy I'm alive dude when I know people you know I don't know anyone directly but I do know people that are you know that I know that they're real who died of this

who've died and who've you know of not made it out so it's it's good to just say hey I'm I lived now you could really go for it you know the reason why I thought about you for the podcast was because somebody was asking me the other day

they're like you know with comedy how do you feel about other comics and I'm like well I gotta be honest with you the comics that I met at the store like let's just take the store for example I cheer for you guys like I'm an old fucking fart

you know what I'm saying I got maybe five fucking years left you know, I enjoy being a dad, I enjoy being home, but I look at you guys and you guys got the world by the balls now. And I'm sitting here on the sidelines cheering for you fucking savage. Like I told you, when you first talk to me about, you know, leaving Austin, I said to you, bro, go back to L.A. The team is ready for you.

That's it. You're the next one on the totem pole, you know, if you want it. If you want it, you're the next one. I appreciate it. We think you're a young man. You just need to realize how young you are. You're young at heart and everywhere else. Yeah, I had to get out of Austin.

Austin, you know, I never fell in love with it the way that Joe did or the way that other people did. It just wasn't, it didn't grab me. It didn't catch me. It wasn't for me. I mean, I don't know what people are seeing that fall in love with it, but they're seeing something. And maybe it's that I'm not seeing it. but I just, you know, I gave it a shot for months, months and months and months. And, you know, it's one of the least favorite places I've ever lived.

And I've lived on the East Coast. I've lived on the West Coast. But living here has been an education because now I say to myself, this is not for me. Well, at least you got out of the way. Listen, when it came to me, when Rogan proposed Austin to me, I was very, very, happy at first. I have nothing against Austin. I loved going there once a year.

Right. We all did. We all love it for a few hours. I love that double tree. Yeah. And I love that fucking popadoes. You just roll out of bed and walk across the street. I thought that was one of the easiest weeks in the country for me.

And I enjoyed the people and I saw what they were trying to do. And I was, at first I told Juggle, let me just think about it. But I had my heart set on New Jersey. I've been here a year today. Yeah. A fucking year. So it's like I just wanted to come to Jersey because I was, I wanted to be around my family. Well, that's it.

And you know, everybody, I think somebody told me once, they said, if you're lucky enough, you get to go home. This is what somebody told me once, which I think made a lot of sense. I'm like, I think about that sometimes after, you know, I do my thing in L.A. And, you know, will I end up back on the East Coast? I don't know. But if somebody said to me once, he said, if you're lucky enough, you get to go back home. And I think you were lucky enough. You worked your ass off.

You worked really hard. You made a lot of good things happen. And then you had the benefit of being able to go back to the place that you grew up that made you who you were. And you have your daughter now and you're why. And you could show them the experiences, you know, that you had growing up there. Well, she's thanked me about a week, two weeks ago, my daughter took me aside, eight years old. And she's like, Dad, thank you. for bringing me here.

Thank you for turning me on to your food. She fucking loves White Castle. You know, she'll ask me twice a week. Can we go to White Castle? You know? She loves fucking Carvel. I mean,

I took her out Sunday. Yes. She loves Carvel. She's all over fucking Carvel. Yeah, last night she asked me because I took it to a football game. She's like,

you know, it's get a Sunday free today, Carvel. I'm like, we're not fucking going to Carvel because I take her once week for her. Yeah, every now. Her little fucking vanilla ice cream

soda. Yeah. But even like I could tell how she treats the people I grew up with, in contrast to other people. She really digs them. She really goes out of their way to talk to him. She asks some questions. Like, did you go to school with my daddy?

You know, so she's really appreciate that. That's what made me happy. Right now, I've got to be honest with you. I've been having an all right time here. But watching her, have a great time makes my dick hard what's the difference between when you grew up there and now how what what are the major changes holy shit it's listen i grew up in a city that was buck fucking wild no rules i was getting dressed yesterday in the shower and i was thinking about

a friend of mine getting me a job one day and before he left the room he goes enjoy your job you know and he goes don't forget to steal because if you don't steal they're going to know i was stealing who the fuck tells you that in a society. So it was Buck Wild up there. I live an hour from where I grew up. Where I grew up is really fucking populated. It's right across the Hudson River

from New York City. So I didn't want to move up there. There was no way I was moving up there. Right. I'm in a place now where you know, it's wide open. There's trees. The other than that, I was smoking a joint on my front porch and two

deer ran in front of me. I thought I was when I have a fucking heart attack, Tim Dillon. Yeah. I thought I was going to ship my fucking pants when I seen those deer in my front porch of the quarter to 11. I got a cup of tea in me

and I got half a joint. I'm just sitting and I heard this fucking thing and the two deer jumped out in front of me and I almost shipped my pants. It's a different world, Tim. Yeah, yeah. It's a different world, you know, and I'm happy I got to bring her here.

I'm happy my wife is here. She's having a great time. My wife had friends. My wife has friends now that don't give a fucking. who I am. Right. You know, before she would make a friend

and after two weeks, the girl would say, you know, can we give your husband a script? And my wife would go, was this what it's all about? And then when my wife tells them, no, they stopped talking to my wife. That was L.A. for my wife. Yeah, that's tough.

To see what they could get out of her on her end. And if nothing, move the fuck on, you know. So she's in a different place now. She's surrounded with real parents. Yeah, they care about their kids. Yeah, these people are not. You know, in L.A., people use their kids. They're pimping out their kids in L.A.

And the fucking marketing fucking tool. No, shit, they're pimping out their kids. Yeah. No, it's crazy. I know people who have a kid just to put them in carpenter. Yeah. They don't give a fuck about the kid. Carpenter school for people don't know.

It's in Studio City. Right. And it's a grammar school, but it's where all the fucking celebrities go. Their kids go to school. Yeah. And they have their Christmas party at CBS Radford on the lot. Yeah. The fucking public school.

Because I have a godson who's like a quarter Filipino, but we say Chinese because we want them to, you know, higher end. We say Japanese or Chinese. We don't admit to Filipino. But he's a, but he's the chubby baby with the Asian face. I go, let's get him in something. Let's make a couple of dollars here, you know, because the reality is, is, you know,

the only thing he can be is a nurse, really, because his mother's in our Filipino nurse. I said, so let's just make, let's get him. Like, he'll drink some juice. he eats the donut. Let's make a few hundred grand of this motherfucker before because he might grow up to be a beautiful kid, but he also might grow up to be absolutely disgusting. We don't know.

So I get it. Like in L.A., like sometimes you just got to make the money while they're young. Let me tell you something. I remember going to fucking auditions for commercials and seeing like, you know, when you go to those auditions, they have eight rooms. Right. And they have one room that's for kids. Like kids come.

And I would sit there and just watch the parents And watch the kids and fucking get sick to my stomach Yeah How the parents would act Because the parents are like Pistol Pete's father Yeah They're pushing the kid, they're telling the kid He's got to get this audition

The fucking poor kid wants to play with blocks Right You know, he don't want to be with fucking adults You know, I was an actor as a kid When I was young, I was on Sesame Street I started in plays when I was like six No shit. swear to God

And I legit. Legitimately, I did, I toured around the country with a show. My mother went on tour with me. I did a lot of theater. I did Sesame Street. I did a NYU student film. I never did anything big. I tried out for big shit, but I never got like home improvement or any of those big sitcom.

I never got him. And my parents were like, they, they weren't good at being a stage mom. Like they should have been pushier and more aggressive, but they weren't. and then every time I would fail at the audition, we would go home through Penn Station in New York City, and I would go, can I go to Dairy Queen? And they would get me a Dairy Queen Blizzard, and I would eat it like a failure in the waiting room

of the Long Island Railroad. And I would get, I would get like, I forget what kind I'd get. I get an Oreo or Reese's Peanut Buttercup Blizzard, and I would just sit there and eat it like a failure, and then we'd finally take the train home. So it was a tragic. thing, but I had fun doing it, but I never made it.

But you did it. 13, I became a cocaine addict. So maybe it's not good. You started snorting at 13? At 13, yeah. Holy shit. Some are going into high school. Yeah. Jesus Christ, Tim Dillon.

What haven't you done? I was at my friend Tina DeLuca's house and we're in Long Island and she had a nice house on the water. And she goes, we got, you know, me and a couple other friends were there. And, you know, they were like, let's try cocaine. I said, that sounds like a great idea. And she had it. And we did it.

It didn't even work. At first time, I said, uh, it doesn't even, we had to keep doing it and doing it. And then finally, uh, you know,

it took. You got to drink with it. Yeah, yeah, it took eventually. But I mean, I was smoking weed. I was doing acid.

Uh, you know, all of those things. Yeah, first tab of acid. I was in, um, my first tab of acid,

you're going to laugh, was at my friend's house. I was in eighth grade. the second time I did acid, I was on the graduation stage of my junior high school. And me and my friend Shea, my friend Tina, we were like a three. We all took a tab of acid and we were standing there. And the valedorian is up there, wouldn't shut up some, you know, some Asian girl. And she was talking and talking.

God bless her. But she was talking about, you know, whatever, you know. And we were just standing there. And then finally we went to the beach afterwards. and we were all, we were finally tripping. But yeah, I started really young and then I sobered up at 25. So I had about 10 year period of being out

and doing wild shit. Now you sober today? Sober is a church. No drinking, no smoking, no smoking, nothing. No pills, no weed, nothing. How long now? About 11 years. No shit, Tim Dillard.

About 11 years, yeah. The only thing I struggle with is cigarettes. I'm not smoking them now, and I don't think I'll smoke them for a while because once you get COVID you start breathing you go, motherfucker, you know,

I don't want to, I won't go back to cigarettes, but like 11 years of nothing. That's tremendous. It's good. Yeah, I'm pumped about that. I'm happy about that.

It's funny. When I first started doing Coke, I was 16, the first time I did Coke. And the first couple times I did it, I wasn't getting high. I thought it was a joke. That's right.

I thought it was a joke on me. I'm like, You know how Saturday Night Live? People said it was fucking hysterical. I would run home to watch it and go, this ain't funny. This ain't fucking funny. You know, a samurai.

I mean, I love Belushi, but that shit just wasn't funny to me at that age. So I thought it was part of the big joke on Uncle Joey. Like, it's a big fucking joke. Nobody gets high on this shit. And I would pay another 50 bucks for a half gram. Try it again and nothing. And it wasn't until one night that we mugged Steady Freddy

at punt them feet. and we got an A ball that I started drinking Mickelow Blights and my jaw started going and I'm like finally after fucking nine months I'm getting high on this shit I must have thrown two grand at this fucking dealer for nothing it was nothing but once I started getting high it was tremendous

then I drank it a lot of the time I loved it we used to do it in our office because we were mortgage guys and it was good to just we blast lines right off the desk how long did you stay up for how many nights was your record? I think my record was close to three that's what was my record three fucking nine think how how happy you are now yeah that you're not doing a three day as a fucking comic let me tell you something as a comic the worst thing

you could have is a monkey on your back that's true and go on the road it's it's a horrible thing and i told people that if i still had the monkey on my back i would have got on the road every weekend right that's what you do you're on the road you snort coke you fucking pick up freaks on the road and you do what you do. Thank God. Like, I still remember getting fucking high in Beaumont, Texas out of all were the weird places eating 30 volumes for the weekends, 10 million, you know, and just, so the last,

my last run on the road was sober, you know, briefer and edibles. Right. But you could, I can still wake up at 7 and make radio. It's not like you get coked up and at 630. You got to call the radio station. Yeah. I'm feeling good.

I'm not feeling good. I had some MSG last night. You got to make up some fucking. You got to call Jim Norton and tell them at 6 in the morning. I'm not going to make it. I had MSG because that's what usually happened to me. And it wasn't even snort and coke. It was just you get off the plane.

You're living in California hours and you come to New York. You're up to 4 in the fucking morning. Right. And they want you in radio at 7.30. You're like, shit, I didn't fall asleep until 5 last night. It must have been the MSG. It was a general towel's chicken. It was a general house chicken and shit.

Yeah, but I'm happy to not be doing it. Like to not be doing it is good. Absolutely. Man, it blocks you as a comic. Yes. Comics think that, you know, I for years, Tim Dillon, I did not quit snort and coke because I thought the funniness would go out the fucking window. Right.

I thought it made me wild on stage and I thought it made me edgier on stage. It gave me like an edgy. It's like when somebody takes a picture with a cigarette in their mouth. Right. Yeah, they're like, look at me. They're trying to look edgy or will they take a little bit? or will they take a picture with a Budweiser in their hand, but somebody else with a Budweiser in their hand.

It's the same thing. When you're doing comedy, I mean, if you're a young comic and you're snorting or doing pills, I'll tell you what, and you're having a good time, I ain't mad at you. But if you really want your comedy to saw it, because I think the comedy blocks, I think the cocaine and the drugs block your heart from your mind, like to put your heart really into your sets.

I remember when I was doing coke, I really couldn't put my heart into it. was set. That's correct. It wouldn't go through. Like my heart wouldn't go through. It would just be words. It's a block. You said it perfectly. It blocks you. And in life, in general, that's what it does. Right. So in life across the board, it blocks who you truly are, your true capabilities, your true potential from being realized because you, you know, you are a science experiment at that point. You know, you are different. You're altered. You changed. You're, you're on. a drug, you know, and you're, you're being impacted by the substance. So you're, you're, you're,

you know, you're, you're an experiment. You don't know what you're going to do. And that's like, when I used to hang out with, with people and I would see them and they would be using a lot of drugs, I'd go, that person is becoming the drug. They're not even them anymore. It's like they're, you know, little by little, whoever they are is, is just becoming a, you know, you just become, like you're taken over by this monster and you just exist to get the drug. Your legs and arms are just to get on phones and to drive cars to get the drug. It's crazy when you think about it like that. Your operating systems hijacked and literally your entire day or everything you think about,

everything you do, it's all to just procure this substance and do it. And it's a binary existence. You're either high or you're not. You're happy or you're not. And I did that for a long time, and it's good to not be in that position now. 14 fucking years for me. I have no regrets. Right.

I couldn't snort a line of Coke now if you fucking paid me. I don't care if you forced me to snort it off the girl's pussy from fucking a hot chick that's like 50 years old that used to date Pete, whatever's name is, Davidson. I don't care. I can't even imagine what it would feel like now. I have a hard time with alcohol now. Right.

Since I moved here. I drank a fucking claw one day. I almost had a fucking heart attack. Alcohol really doesn't agree with Uncle Joey. Yeah. Yeah, you're at the point now. It's probably like you have your weed. You have an occasional stop at Carvel.

That's it. You know, we all pick our poisons and thank God that, you know, yours are manageable. I like that you're a Carvel guy. I see you posting the Fluffy the Cakes. Yeah, Fudgy to Whale. Fudgy to Whale. Yeah, there's nothing. there's nothing better it's the best ice cream in the united states i'll i'll talk shit to anybody

that denies that it's fucking crazy i was i was sitting with these parents yeah and they said what are you going to do after the game i go this is about a month ago i was going to carvel and they go what's that oh i go motherfucker you grew up in newark you don't know what the fuck carvel is and he's like now we go to a place called sundays listen that's done yeah that's done what carvel people I'm fucking team Carvel Cucksucker Yeah yeah yeah I'm with Tom Carvel

Since 19 fucking 73 Yeah You know I'm running with Carvel How are you gonna break My loyalty is fucking Carvel But I saw on your Instagram You always post them When you're on the East Coast

And I'm on the East Coast That's my favorite thing to do When I get on Long Island That's it I mean it's like That was when you were growing up In Long Island If you were good

You got Carvel You know your parents would go If you were good You could get Carvel That's how they would bribe us They'd go Well go to Carvel just behave.

Well, go to Carvel on the way home. Just shut up. And you would have to behave for the day. And then you would get Carvel on the way back. And that was how they just kept us alive. I got to tell you what, Tim Dillon. I know you're a fucking professional. I don't mean to bring this up.

I know you like your food. Where I'm living in South Jersey, believe it or not, you know me, I'm a fucking loyal follower to Carvel. But there's a place on the nine in Freehold called Jersey Freeze, not fucking bad Tim Dillon Okay Okay Not fucking bad

I went the last time I was there As I was pulling in Bruce Springsteen was pulling out Really People were chasing with cameras and shit I'm like what the fuck just happened Wow They're like you miss Bruce Springsteen

I'm like holy fuck I saw him in the fucking Jeep Pulling out I thought it was him And I saw like three little fucking homeless people chasing them and shit with cameras Yeah And then I went to ETHier

And they're like you see that gym right there Bruce Springsteen works out there. There's these fucking restaurants down here from people from Staten Island that have relocated. Italians, they got everything here, Tim Dillon. Bagels down here. You got Wawa, you got some tremendous pretzels. I'll blast one of those in olive oil at night when I'm stoned.

Who the fuck eats a pretzel with olive oil? Uncle Joey cuckuckuckers. So when you wake up in the morning, your shit, it comes out like a fucking missile out of your asshole. No pushing, no fucking gurgling. No nothing. It's 10 times The East Coast is your 10 times better food than L.A.

My God, it is so fucking good. Yeah. It is so good. Yeah. The Chinese is off. I got a Chinese place 80 yards from my door. She's always busy.

Her name is Lily. Yeah. She's fucking tremendous. Every time you go down there, she gives you something for free. Like if you order 20 bucks worth, she throws in fucking cream cheese wantons or egg drop soup.

It's a different fucking world to him, Dylan. Ten, how long have you been doing comedy for now? I started in the fall of 2010. So the late summer, early fall, late August, like I think August 25th might have been my first set in 2010. So 11 years. 11 years, yeah.

Congratulations on all your success. At the 11 year mark, at the 11 year mark, I was still getting buried at the fucking comedy store. Yeah. Well, it was a quick 11 years. It was an intense 11 years. But it was also looking at you guys. You guys were the blueprint. You guys had the blueprint, right? You and Joe and Segura and Bert and Theo. You guys had the blueprint of what to do and, you know, do these shows and entertain people on the internet and get a fan base and then go out and entertain them live. It was like that blueprint was something that helped me dramatically. And I thank all of you guys. And then all of you guys being good to me and have. and beyond the shows. It sped up that period of time. It made me, you know, it made me aware of how difficult it was probably to start these

things when there was no blueprint. And you guys didn't know what these things are going to be. You know, Rogan started in 2009 early. There was a lot of people starting this early when people were like, you're crazy. you're crazy doing shows online you should be doing television you should be doing movies but you guys

pioneering this stuff early allowed people like me to go oh this is the way to do it this is the route and then my everything that's happened to me I think was accelerated because of you guys because I was able to like following the footsteps of you guys

I gotta be honest with you Tim I just watched Mark Marin yeah I watched Joe Rogan I watched Ralphie May. Yeah. And I put that together. That was my, you know, I looked up to Rogan, like I said in one of the podcasts, he was

like my lighthouse. Yeah. Like if I'd see him, I knew where I was at. Right. And I saw Mark Marin do a great job with a podcast. And I just wanted to do something different. I always wanted to do radio, but I didn't want to do radio. Right.

That style of radio, it's Joey Diaz here in the morning. I didn't like that shit. I wanted to rap, you know, like I wanted to just talk to somebody on the radio. Yeah. Like I wanted to do a little bit better than talk radio. When I first saw Artie Lang on Howard Stern, that's what I wanted to do. Yeah, that was the perfect. For me, Artie Lang and Stern were the fucking blueprint.

There was one particular show when Artie had the sunglasses on, and he's fucked up for the night before. And I'm like, I want to go on there and tell cocaine stories. the way Artie's telling stories about fucking heroin. That was it for me. Artie was the Lenny Bruce of the microphone, you know, in a studio. Right. He was very open with his life, copping, hookers, heroin, getting beat up by Dr. Artie Lang, I thank him for letting me know what to do on a podcast.

Yeah. Which was tell your stories and tell the truth and don't hold nothing back. That's what makes for good podcasting. With Rogan and those guys, it's intelligence. You know, his thing was intelligence. I couldn't match his intelligence. Right. But I could fucking match stories.

Yes. You know, I grew up in Jersey. I had a great childhood. I had a horrible childhood, but I turned it into a great childhood with my stories. Yes. And that's what it was for me, you know, basically just. Do you miss Los Angeles at all that? Is there anything about it you miss?

The insanity of it, the craziness of it. That's what I miss sometimes. I missed the comfort that I made for myself. Right. I took Studio City and I created it my little haven. I had cryotherapy. I had my weed store there. I had my jiu-jitsu there.

I had my weightlifting there. I pretty much made those restaurants my life, the Chinese place on Ventura, which is now closed because of COVID. the weed store ice cream shop there were a couple places you know my life was too comfortable Tim

right I don't know if I could explain that to you it was I had this little world my office was two blocks from my house you know all my friends lived in the area Lee Diagostino Dean Del Rey we were Burke Kreischer we were all condensed in there

Felicia so I miss that right I don't miss getting lied to getting approached with bullshit stories. Right. You know, I don't miss any of that shit at all. I do miss. There's a few people I miss.

There were some good fucking people out there. But there was also some pieces of shit out there. Like worse than what I did prison with. Like people who come to you with a smile, they're worse than the cats I did time with. Right, right. Yeah, you're not good. That pieces of shit compared to what I did time with.

You know, at least when you do time, you know where you stand you know you had a great line about people in l.A. once you said to me you go you go their minds aren't even their own no which i thought was a brilliant way to say it their minds aren't even their own great they sell their soul yeah and then they sell their mind and you start acting like that tim without knowing it's not their fault they're on a tv show they're making 20 grand an episode they're fucking you know This is the first time people come up to them and talk to them. So they want to fit in, you know, so they'll say whatever to fit the fucking, even of, of like, current issues. Right.

Like, you know, oh, please save the black people. How many times have you had black people your house? Right. Cut the fucking shit out. Right. When I go to your house and I see black people in the fucking backyard, when I'm not talking about, you know, a black dude that thinks he's white. I'm talking about Leon and fucking boo-boo. You know, and the cousins and the fucking dreadlocks,

when I see them in your backyard, then come to me and talk about Black Lives Matter. Until that time, you're just agreeing with everybody else. You see them at fucking parades. You know, I care about black people. No, you don't. No, you don't give a fuck about black people. You know, you went to one Michael Jackson concert,

and that's it. I went to Sierra Leartheirth Win and Fire. You know, I've been black since I came from Cuba. You know what I'm saying? Like, these motherfuckers will come to you. Oh, well, you got to stop with the black people. No, because you're not fucking helping out. The biggest thing about this pandemic to me was that you had to get your house straight.

That was the number one rule I was taught, get your house straight. How you act outside is how you got to act inside. But if you're going to come home, you know what people say behind closed doors. That's what I want to hear from your fucking mount. I'll bug your house and listen to those Negroes in Studio City scared me. you know we went down to orange county we were surrounded by philippines we smell pigeons that type of shit right that type of shit that's what i want to hear i don't want to hear you say how you love because you really don't right you want to hear honesty the truth you really don't and i could tell when you

bullshit i could tell when you're bullshit oh rest in peace you were a kind soul no you weren't you were a fucking scumbag you stole me 25 bucks in that gig and veil 10 fucking years you know that's what pissed me off that you lose your mind, not in the bad way. People have a public self and a private self. Yes. And I think the more and more those two things become further apart from each other, society gets really fucked up. Yes, it does.

People tend to, they're only honest with their friends. And then when they go outside, they're saying what they think they have to say. And then everything gets fucked up because most people, just go, I don't want any problems. I don't want anything. And so then whatever is happening publicly, whatever we decide

publicly is the truth is just a few people deciding it. And then the vast majority of people keeping their mouth shut because they don't want to fuck and they don't want any problems. And then they go into their house and they go, can you believe this? This is bullshit. I hate this

shit. Can you imagine they're saying this is this? That's fucked but you catch him out they go and they don't ever say anything so then you have a few people and that decide how everything's going to be for everybody and that's what and i i feel it even with myself and i talk so much shit all day all week everything but like there's a lot of things where i go you know what i don't want to even get into the argument like i don't want to get into the argument i just want to live i don't know how many years i have on this planet. Why am I going to have the argument? It's a, it's a natural thing that happens to people.

They just got, I'm tired. I'm tired. I don't want to get into the argument. You want to believe that, believe it. You believe it. Might be insane. It's insane to me, but you believe it. So it's a weird place we're in right now. I don't, I, I, the country feels weird right now. And I remember me and you had to talk about this a few months ago. It feels weird. weird. There's a, there's something that's not being said. There's a lot that's not being said, but we're not where we were, uh, clearly before this pandemic, before all this stuff. A lot of people out there have a lot of anxiety. They don't know what's happening. They don't know the direction that things are going. And I feel like, um, and it's not political, it's none of that shit.

It's not like this one's right and that one's wrong. It's just I feel all of us, we have this ominous feeling that, God forbid, another shoe's going to drop or something else is going to happen. And I think it's, you know, it's scary. I mean, nobody expected the Afghanistan thing. Right. Nobody saw that coming, you know. I'm not a political guy. Right.

But I know that this week, that's been the big fucking issue, you know, when I speak to people, I keep my mouth shut. I listen, I learn, I don't really know what's going on over there. But one thing I will tell you that I am proud of about L.A. The last 10 years I was in L.A., I didn't hold anything back. Right. You know, when I shot movies or TV shows, one of the hardest things I had a problem with was shooting TV shows and movies. I don't like the behavior of some people, how they act phony and shit. when I went when I got off the powder

I went on a head hunting fucking ordeal and he and he said I went to if I could tell who the director is I don't want to be on that set right like if I get on the set and he's got a little hat with a feather in it and his sleeve is rolled up to show the tattoo of the parrot you go fuck yourself

you're not really a fucking direct you know what I'm saying like it was just so I had a lot of problems I was told a lot of times I was tough to work with just because I would speak my mind Right. You know, and I'm really proud of that because from 97 to 2007 when I was doing Coke, I wouldn't speak my mind. Right.

Because God forbid you break up my little cocaine den and my dreams. You know, I'd rather not argue with you. Like there was a situation I talk about with Tommy at the store with him and another comic came up to me and gave me shit about Joe. And I went home and didn't register that. They were picking a fight with me. If I would have known what I know now, I would have put both of them through the fucking wall, but I didn't. And part of the reason was Tim Dillon, my cocaine habit. Right, right.

I didn't want to fuck up that little world, you know, go to jail for two days, three days, because you smack somebody. Right. Once I got off to Coke, I still remember the first time I went on a commercial shoot and the director was being a dick to me. And I go, I'm not taking this. Not tonight. It was a night shoot. Right. And I fucking went off on him.

And he was so pissed. He fired me and locked himself in his trailer. And he wouldn't come out. He kept saying until you're gone. I'm like, it's 3 in the morning. You're not going to hire somebody else to shoot this. Come out, be a man, apologize. Right.

Let's shoot this. And we'll wrap up and go home. And now you got the Saints Newark coming out. Yeah, no, but I had no problems on. That was a New York shoot. See, Tim Dillon, there's a, what I learned was, there's a big difference between. an L.A. shoot and a New York shoot.

Right. New York sets are closed and they don't play that agent shit. Yeah. Where your agent shows up and gets a free meal. And I came to check on you. Get the fuck out of here. You didn't come to check on me. You came to get the fucking free meal, cock suck.

And our agent will get three free meals a day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't, I didn't want that. Yeah. But shooting in New York, I just shot something for Apple a few months ago. fucking painless.

When I got the rules, they sent me rules, Tim Dillon. I was like, this ain't going to work. Uncle Joey don't do good with rules. But once I got there, it was smooth, and that's what I, I'm really proud of that, that I really, you know, like, I would call a comedy club,

and Justin would call me back and go, they said that they can't book Dean Dau-Rae because they already have a feature. And I would go, well, then tell them to give me a week with there's no feature. Right. We'll simplify. Why fuck around it?

They already got a feature. Let them stay and bring another headliner in. And then that was my way of saying, do you're in or you're fucking off the boat? Right. I'm bringing him. I don't give a fuck who you booked. You should have known better.

Right. So it was like, I didn't take shit. Like, I was like, no, I'm not taking shit. And that freedom was what got me to where I had to go. Yeah. Once you break those soft binds. That New York shoot was, I'm sure that was a great experience doing that movie.

It was one of the best experiences of my life in the entertainment business. Because I learned something. I learned something from David Chase. I learned how to get comedy from quiet. He's the master of getting comedy from a quiet room, a look. I tried to bring our style of stand-up on that set. Right. And the first day I realized it wasn't going to work.

Right. That style of stand-up was not. He was doing something completely different. And when I saw what he was doing, it blew my wig off so much that I had to join in. I had to join Scientology. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like I became one of his fucking guys.

I'm like, I understand what he's trying to do. I never worked for somebody that had a plan like that. I've worked with some great people, some great directors, but he was brilliant to him. Yeah, you're right about that. When you watch the Sopranos, you see a lot of the funniest moments are looks, reactions, things like that. He really taught me about looks, reactions, and quiet how you have to say a joke and shut the fuck up. Let it ruminate in the room. Let it go.

You know, like when you did theaters at first, people say to you. The theaters are different. You know, you have to say the joke and shut up and let it ruminate. The room is big. It's a fucking theater. Just machine gun them to death. But that's what I learned in New York. At 56 years old.

So when I learn something, I'm in. I'm one of those guys. If you got something to teach me, I'm fucking in. Right. That's important. It's important that you keep challenging yourself to be better because otherwise you get bored.

You get bored. You know, and that's what happened with me with stand up right now. I'm a little bored. I'll give it a breather. I'll let all this shit pass us. Yeah. And when I'm ready,

I go on there with a base, you know, like you want to do it. There's nothing worse than doing comedy and not want to do it. There's nothing worse than showing up there and going, I didn't want to fucking work tonight. Right. You know, and I had a lot of those the last couple of years.

So I figured I'd give it a little breather. Let Tim Dillon take over the fucking world. Well, we'll see. But I'm not to have fun and trying to try to do the best that I can. And you guess I got sidelined with this thing for a minute, but I'll be back up. It's like, it's shitty. There's so much out there you don't control. You know, and I'm on a roll.

I'm on a roll. them doing shows and shows and shows and then you get hit with this and you go your fucking health and then you're like fuck this is what you don't have any control over well tim dillon i feel in my heart that this is just a bump in the road for you yes you have a great fucking plan you're one of those comics that's very intelligent that sees things for what they were for what they are not what they were thank you know just what you told me about the spring that everything should be you know you've always been very knowledgeable. And I'm right here clapping for you,

waiting to take over the world, my friend. Well, let's hope. We'll see. I mean, I don't know if I want the world. I don't want to take over the world. I want to make a few people laugh and make some money. But everybody else can have the world. The world is a little bit of a mess.

That Taylor Tomlinson can have the world. She'll do a better job. Just give me a little corn. Just give me some Carvel. That's all. You know, I've got to tell this Tim Dillon story real quick. I was watching one of your videos. Everybody was telling me about Tim Dillon.

I'm watching one of your videos two, three years ago. I'm laughing. And I see you a week later at the start. I'm like, what the fuck is this guy going to say? And you came out, you're the sweetest man in the world. You were like, hey, weight watches work? And I'm like, that's how we started talking. I'm like, all the things Tim Dillon could have said to me.

He's like, wait, wait, watch is working for you. I go, yeah, you know, I like it. I've been on it. Fucking 18 years. I finally lost some weight and shit. I love it. Yeah. Yeah, have you done it during the pandemic and not really?

Yeah, yeah. I stuck to my points during the surgery. Oh, wow. When I had knee surgery, knee replacement, I couldn't do anything. I had no metabolism. So I stuck to the fucking points. You know, and I eat. I just don't fuck with sugar.

Right. I'll eat sugar maybe once a week like a snack with my daughter when we go to Carvelas. And I'll get an ice cream soda without ice cream in it. Right. I'm one of those fucking jerkoffs, you know, so. How do you get a nice? What's that? Ice cream soda without ice.

What do you mean by that? When she gives me the ice cream soda with the ice cream in it, I take it out and I give it to my daughter. And she puts it in her chocolate ice cream soda. Oh, okay. Yeah, she likes the ice cream and her soda, so I give it to her. And I just drink the fucking thing.

And it's like 20 points, but it's really club soda with vanilla syrup. Right, right, right. You're not going to fucking die. You know what I'm saying? What's the name of your tour, Tim Dillon? The tour. I think we're going to call it the post-apocalyptic tour.

I like it. When does it kick off? Well, it was happening. And then we got kicked back in with COVID. It should kick back off soon. We're hoping. We're seeing when we can get back out there. Well, I love you, Tim Dillon. I'll see you when you.

I saw you posted dates for the Beacon Theater. Yeah, Beacon in New York City. In November, I'm pumped about that. Okay. I'm going to come see you and say hello and give you some fucking love. if the numbers don't ruin it for you. Yeah. And the fucking face mask and the vaccinations and all the bullshit.

All the things. But I love you. Keep in touch. Thank you, brother. Tell Ben, I love that cock sucker. Yes, I will.

Ben's a good man. And we'll talk soon. We had Lee. We had Lee come in. Tremendous. One of the funniest things I've ever done, I think. What was the look on Ben's face? I saw it,

but my glasses didn't let me see the full effect look on this fucking face. It's so funny when we had Lee come in there. We saw Lee in Boston too. So Lee Lee came out. We hung out of him. He's got a girl. He's doing great. So thank you, Joey.

Thank you so much. And I'm excited to see you in the movies. Love you, brother. Stay black and I'll be in touch. Thank you for being on the joint. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. Boom!

I hope you enjoyed Tim Dillon. It was always a pleasure talking to him. He made me laugh. Like I said, he's the future of fucking comedy. And he was on the joint today to help us out to make the week go a little smoother. and make your day be fucking nice. That's what we do here. I'm not trying to set the world on fire.

I'm just trying to come through on Mondays and Wednesdays. Give you a fucking giggle. Learn you learn something and we move the fuck on. I'm not looking to be fucking Johnny Bananas of the podcast world. I'm old. I got shit on my plate and I just want to get to you motherfuckers twice a week and let you know I love you. I'm still doing my thing and I'm still here.

I hope you enjoyed Tim D. Dylan. It was a great interview. It was great to see him. I'm happy he's getting healthy. I'm happy he's going back to L.A. And he's going to light the fucking world on fire. We're getting old. So we got to make room for these fucking youngsters. That's just the way it is. You can't take this shit personal. You know what I'm saying? It's your attitude, cuckuckers. But anyway, we had a great week. Monday, we had a great week. Today we had a great show. I hope you guys enjoyed it. And I'll be back next week, Monday morning, nice and early. Tip, Top Magoo, ready to tell you a story, ready to give you an ear beating.

Then we'll be back on Wednesday with another fun-filled podcast. I love you guys. Have a great week, and the summer's coming to an end. Stay Black. Now for a word from our motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, I want to thank Tim Dillon for coming on. I love that motherfucker. He's a nut.

And I want to thank you guys for supporting us this week. My Patreon family, I love you guys. trying over there. Thank you very much for all the support you've given me. You can see I'm making a comeback little by little. My mind's getting right. Some of it is therapy. Some of it is working out. Some of it is fucking alpha brain, but most of it is my balls in my heart. But anyway, the joint is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. You want a job every place is hiring right now. ZipRecruiter has a fancy technology that finds the best people for the job. And it helps you get them. It tells you who's most qualified

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You know Uncle Joey's here for you On it coming through All he is I love your Bowling Branch coming through I love my sponsors And I love you guys too Have a great week I'm happy you enjoy Tim Dillon

Stay Black And we'll be back Monday morning Ready to fucking rock Tip Top Magoo Have a great week Cuckuckers Come see me on Patreon And Laughing Gas

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