The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/23/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #114

Episode Date: September 24, 2013

Comedian Josh Wolf callls in to the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/23/2013.

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Or just go to joeydie. and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Oh shit. It's Monday, motherfucking morning, the 23rd of September, and the best part about it is, you are there, motherfucker.

You made it. You woke up. Give thanks to the man upstairs. What the fuck it is? Some black chick with an Afro that makes us wake up in the morning. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. We're here.

Lee Syatt, the Cuban, the flying Jew. Oh shit. Kick a leak. It's Monday, motherfuckers. Get up. Wash your dick, wash your pussy. It's got to stink like a fucking death. Wash that helmet.

You never know what's going to happen today. It's a beautiful fucking day. What's the story, so? What do you mean what's the story? What the fuck is the story? How fucked up were you Friday night? Oh, my God. Well, I made a mistake.

You made a mistake. Yes. I made a mistake. I'm not even going to blame you anymore. I should know that if we have a thing, I never take an edible before the show. I should always take it during, because you're always going to offer it to me on stage,

and I can't say no on stage. So when we got there, you gave me a gummy, it was a cheap-a-choo gummy, right? It's a green horrid. They're in Denver and some stores in L.A. You know, I love gummies, because, like, I'm a pussy with the taste. I just can't do it. But the gummies are great.

So I was feeling it 10 minutes in with the gummy. I was like, okay. It went right to you. I saw it. It went right to me. That's the first time I ate it. I was like, yeah, this is going to be a good fucking night. And then, and then, like, I get on stage.

I'm already a little bit high, but I can handle it. Like, I can still walk around and stuff. And you, for whatever silly reason, whipped out another gummy, took a huge chunk out of it and, like, put it in my face. And you got them chanting Lee. I didn't get them to chant nothing. Yes, you did. Go back to the other. Go back to that.

You're going to all pull it up right now. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Yeah. They always got Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. And I took it. and within five minutes, I was just, like, I was listening to it yesterday, and all you could hear was me giggling for, like, almost the entire show. I was petrified and I think I couldn't tell if my...

Because red bands mic was a little bit hot But I couldn't tell if mine was Because I thought I could hear it When I like laughed into it Even from like six feet away So I like moved to the side a little bit And then God And then after

I uh I had someone from work sent me a text It took me about 20 minutes to respond to the text And then after we took pictures and everything You left and I sat in my car for about 30 minutes I called the girl and I just sat there and after about like, I think 20 or 30 minutes

I was like, alright, I can do this. I backed out. I did about 45 down the highway except about halfway there. I got paranoid that like, oh shit, they're going to know. I'm going 45-50. So I made myself through 60.

And I just, I white-knuckled it home in the right lane. And I was expecting a call because you usually call me right when we leave. Like I think right when you get on the highway. But I don't, you didn't. I had my own problems. I was fucking just as high as you were, dog. I was on that 134,

hold on for that steering wheel like fucking, you know, like Stallone and Cliffhanger. I was holding on. You know that part on the 134 where you make those turns? Yeah. And it's real dark? That was hell for me. I thought the car was going to break down

and I was going to be out there walking around. This is a ghost of your fucking mind. And then once you skip back into that lane, once I passed, like, Pacific and all those fucked up streets in Glendale, like it's Pacific, and then that's that long stretch. That long stretch always petrifies me

because if you break down down there, you'll never make it home. No. That's a fucking ugly stretch out there. I started not recognizing signs. I was like, oh my. I thought I went past and past Sherman Oaks into like Calabasasas.

I was like, oh, God, I'm lost. I made a mistake, and this was my mistake, and I didn't know this for sure. I thought that the guy from Chibichu told me that these were 70 milligrams. No, they're not. They're 2705 milligrams. You did not. You ate probably the equivalent of a Cheebo Chewler Deca.

I ate two halves. You ate probably 175 milligrams of T-8C Friday night. It just shocked your system. That's like eating a whole Deca Cheebo Chew at one time. And you do that on purpose. Yeah, I do that just to fucking wake up, just to breathe on the motherfucker. It would have been so nice to just have the half. I don't remember the podcast.

I don't remember the live podcast. I just remember going off. yelling and then Red Band and I remember being out there talking to you guys and I got in the car and I had my own problems and all I kept thinking about was the Taco Man because I knew he could save me and I called you from the taco thing you didn't answer because I want to tell you there was a DUI thing on Lancash and you would have failed it. Oh yeah. Even if you didn't have any cocktails, you would have failed it because I would have failed it. I went around and got the Taco Man from behind and I got two tacos and a fucking Diet Coke and that's what slowed me down. Okay. And then I went home and I rolled a joint. Oh, fuck, yeah.

That's got it. This one lady kept trying to give me a joint. Oh, there was a bunch of people that smoked a crazy blonde lady. Yeah. That was taping us. They got mad at us because I said, don't tape us smoking. You know, we just out of here smoking having it. Listen, man, there's a couple etiquette things.

After the shows, when we're taking, after we take pictures and we start smoking dope, I want everybody just to smoke dope like you were in high school. There's no more celebrities in the room. There's no nothing. that nothing bothers me more when somebody takes a camera out at the end when we're smoking dope and it's just 20 people chilling these are the you know these are like fucking green berets they don't want to be on fucking facebook I don't give a fuck way you put me but these people at the back there some of them have jobs some of them have IT jobs they don't want to be on fucking YouTube smoking dope you know so at the end of the shows and we're outside taking pictures you want to take a picture that's fine don't put your fucking camera on and make a YouTube video you know it's us it's us it's us smoking. This guy's got the people's faces

and shit. Like I said, I don't get a fucking, where you put me? But there's a guy there who probably works for a fucking uptight white supremacist's boss, you know? Oh, whatever. I don't fucking know. There's a lot of people that don't do that shit. That's what got... But it was a great night. I think I had a great fucking water box. We were all fucking I.

I had a pocket full of those Cheebo gels, whatever. I was just giving them out. To Jordan. To Edgar? Yeah. No, Edgar was fucked up too. Eggie was fucked up, too. We were fucked And then I looked at it, you know, I can't see without my glasses. My vision's going on a daily fucking basis. I can't even look at little things on my fucking phone no more.

Really? And the doctor told me if this continues, you don't have to come back. And I'm going to have to go back and get, like, fucking full-time glasses. And I don't give a fuck, because this sucks. Listen, there's two things. There's a couple things that give me anxiety. One of you got to take a shit and I don't want to? You ever get to take a shit and you don't want?

I don't want to take a shit right. And I'm doing something. You know what I'm saying? But you got to stop. It'll take a fucking shit. That drives me fucking crazy. It does? I tell you what I get,

what's giving me anxiety lately is, ever since I went for that fucking ear infection, my nose is fucked up now. It's clogged, so I can't breathe. And from time to time, in the afternoon, I forget to spray that fucking shit I spray in my nose at Afrin,

which is definitely no good for you, and it's addictive. I can feel it now. And my nose clogs up. If I go to Jitsu, I'm on my back sometimes, my nose clogs up, that gives me fucking anxiety as fuck.

Well, that makes sense, but why does shitting, Because sometimes you're on the computer, you're right, you're getting into it. You're like, oh man, this is, look at me, I'm turning into a good writer. And all of a sudden, you're like, what the fuck is this pain in my stomach?

Fuck, fuck, and after like 10, 15 minutes, you gotta go shit. Well, does being high make you shit? Because every time I'm on an edible, I have to, I take the biggest. I shit all the fucking time. Oh, no. And I go to the doctor and I tell him,

he goes, what's wrong with that? He goes, sometimes that's good for you. That means you're fucking healthy, you know what I mean? Nothing wrong with taking a good fucking dump from time to time. I don't even know what we're talking about. This is Monday fucking morning morning people. It was a fucking great weekend. Yeah. You know, and let me tell you, so Friday I did jih Tijuana, I met with Aubrey from Onet. Nice. Nice lunch. A Cheebo, you ever go to Cheebo in Hollywood? No. Across from my favorite gym there. That's a Justin Fortune has his

gym and McAfoli. Is the boxing coach? Oh, is that by a meltdown that we went to that way? Yeah, yeah, yeah, across the meltdown. There's Cheebo. That's a great restaurant strip. A lot of People don't know that about Hollywood, and you don't need $10,000 to eat that. Cheebo, you get the fucking micro-organic salad and get a half-order to know-no spaghetti. You're good to go. I'm a fat fuck, and I'm good to go.

Half order. A spaghetti and the full salad, I'm good to fucking go. You go three doors down. I'm not particularly crazy about it. But fucking, I've had the pat-tie shrimp there. And it's phenomenal. Ty, on sunset, you've been there with the girl? Coconut soup and shit?

I mean, you've told me about it. I've seen Joe Rogan. I've been in there with a lot of people to get the pat-tai shrimp and I've seen people's faces who love Thai food and their faces drop. I love that food.

How good it is in there. That's there. If you walk down two blocks, you hit the fucking aroma. Okay. The Jews, you can buy a machine gun in there off these Israelis.

They don't fuck around. But their open-face steak sandwich, they got some shit. They're salads. That's salmon salad? It's one of the best fucking salads you ever have in your life. Just salmon,

lettuce and tomato and onions. Oh, my fucking God. They have this. I go there with Ari. Ari, Ari gets the hummus. I don't smack them in that. You know, that's the national fucking tree in that fucking place. But that's a great block.

But I went to Jigitual Boom Saturday. I went to a kid's soccer game, which is a blast. My friend's daughter's soccer game, she's eight. Yeah. Then we went to J.Bs or BJs to eat. Okay. I had the chicken tortilla soup and the salad. It was fucking delicious.

Then I watched the fight at home, you know. And then yesterday, what did I do yesterday? Went to the farmer's market. You like doing that? I love the farmer's market. Does Mercy like it? She don't get to fuck. As long as it's sunny out and she's not in the house, she loves it.

I take, I get some fish, I get some halibut. I get some, the other shit that people eat the sea bass. I get two pieces, little pieces of that. I get some peaches and Chinese apples. We get some watermelon juice and we split a pizza while we're there. They have a great fucking pizza slice there. If you ever go to the farmer's market on Sunday, in Laurel Canyon. Tremendous pizza.

All Detroit out? Yeah. And that's it. I went to open roll of Jiu-Jitsu. I got beat up. You know, I like getting beat up. So I worked out three days in a... Today I was supposed to do a kettlebell workout.

With some fucking strength and conditioning, I don't know. I'm fucking sore. I slept good last night, though. You sleep last night? Yeah, kind of. I was up a little bit late because I had... I worked yesterday because they shot over the weekend. So by the time I got home and watched Breaking Bed and stuff,

I went to bed like midnight. You bad, motherfucker. You have to start. watching that, dude. You know what? I'm watching the first season. Oh, you really? They played on Mondays on IFC. So I tape on episode 5, you know? It's a great. You know what? I got to get into

the show. You know, it's funny. Dave Chappelle said that... Oh, yeah, we didn't talk about that. He said that he said that breaking bad is like the wire for white people. Yeah. I was fucking dying that he did the whole thing. It was the most amazing week. You know, Jill

Himitsu, I talked to her a lot. She does the calendar for Dead Squad. Really sweet girl. She's going to be at the show Saturday. I talked to Jill. Jill was coming out with a bunch of guys from Dead Squad. And I explained to Jill. I go, Jill, I don't want you or anybody else to think I'm rude. But this lifestyle is very crazy.

And I enjoy it. I enjoy kicking the balls every once in a fucking while. My wife doesn't like it because she doesn't like the amount of work that she thinks that I can't handle, that I could handle. My wife worries about me. So she says, I don't know if you should do that movie. Why not? It take days.

You have to go to San Francisco, and he's just coming back from Portland. You know what I'm saying? So you have to, it's the law diminishing returns. You never want to do too many things because then I'm giving everything 50 fucking percent. I did that for years. I thought I could shoot movies and do the week. No. Now it's either one or the other one.

So it's funny. Last Tuesday I'm sitting there with my wife eating in the kid and the phone rings and they asked me if I'm available for the Denver show Wednesday night. So I come in, I did the podcast. I go immediately. I jump on a fucking plane. Shoot to Denver, get to my whole Tyroom, walk over to the Phillies Green, which I saw Don Henley there. You know, 18,000 people.

I get there. When I get on stage, they did a pre-show on the side, which was great to see Brody Stevens. Brody looks great. Oh, he does? Good. Brody is a bad motherfucker. I've known Brody saying he was a kid. You know, I was an adult already when I met Brody, but Brody was a kid, you know?

And he treats me, he loves me, and I love him. And that's it. There's some people that you just love because you've been through how. with him you know it's like Josh is calling today you know I don't see Josh any day but when we talk for five minutes on the phone the love is there we've been through two months together I know his kids you know I saw Brody boom then he goes you gotta go up and I went up and I was scared you know I did whatever mediocre the front seats weren't sitting people were just settling into their seats I was the warmer back you know

and then Hannibal Beres was great Josh Blue was fucking great yeah he was when you call me like you know who's cool Josh Blue is a cool mom motherfucker. That little motherfucker we must have smoked 80 fucking pipe polo. He kept me alive because I didn't bring weed to Denver. Why would you bring deep weed to Denver? Yeah. It's like bringing fucking sand to the beach, you know? The Cheebochoo guys came out. I came to the show and they

brought me the new chocolate bars that they have, dabs. Oh yeah. It's a 200 milligram mint chocolate or 100 sateva, 100 fucking Indica tremendous. And they gave me a bag of those fucking gummies. And I've been eating those gummies like an accident. Like the actual gummies?

Yeah, I'm not going to eat them today, though. I'm going to go straight because I got shit late night tonight. Oh, okay. But it's so weird how I told Jill that I explained to Jill about lifestyle, that my lifestyle, I can never make plans. I know exactly, yeah. It's a horrible lifestyle to have, but I like it. You know, it throws my social life out the window,

so I have no commitment to social life, which I've never really enjoyed that shit anyway. You know, I'm the type of guy that wants friends, but not really. You know what I'm saying? I get pissed off and go, I want to do it. more things. Not really. I enjoy my time alone. I enjoy my time riding. I enjoy my time riding. I enjoy my time with the friends that I have. But what was it talking about? I don't fucking know. It's so weird. Like, I don't like fucking weddings. You know, I'm not going to go to a wedding every

fucking week. I look at my niece. She's 21 living in Jersey. You know what that means? What? You go to a wedding every fucking week. That's what that fucking means. So you either going to a fucking wedding or you're either going to a goddamn funeral. Every fucking week. I wish I was lying to you. When I was 20 and 21, I would get wedding invitations. I couldn't believe this shit.

You know, when you live in Colorado, it's $2,300 a fucking gift. A plane ticket for your date. The fucking hotel, the cocaine, the restaurants. It's a lot of fucking money. So when I got into comedy, I was like, whew, thank God I don't have to fucking go to

weddings anymore. I'm not getting it. Because you always work. I'm always fucking working on Saturday. Don't call me on a Saturday because you want to get the same result. Even if I'm not working, I'm fucking working. I'm always fucking working. So it's so weird that that weekend that she was coming, I was going out of town to shoot that documentary.

And one thing led to the other. So Tuesday, boom. I was telling Jill that I don't make plans, you know, and I hate telling this to the podcast people this way. But, boom, Tuesday, we get the call to go to Denver. We do the podcast. I go to Denver. I get back fucking Thursday.

And at the airport, Thursday morning, I'm talking to my booking agent. And as I'm talking to him, I hear bleep, you know, when you hear a beep on your phone. Yeah. And I get off the phone, and I look, and it's an email from my agent, theatrical agent, that I have an audition,

that they moved there from 1130 to 3.20. So that night, when it was 11 o'clock, I thought I couldn't make it, so I barely looked at the sides. But as I was reading, the sides, which of the shit, Cheats you read at the audition, I noticed, I go, oh, fuck, this is me.

Oh, really? Right there. I looked at the guy's second line, I go, this is me. He's a pizza guy in Brooklyn, and his business gets burnt out. Okay. So I read it, boom, I go home, I make copies, I fucking yellow it out. I cut the audition up, you know, I write it out, and I'm like, this could be me.

I could fucking book this. But I look at the date since the same week, I'm in Portland, Oregon. So I go, God damn it. It starts in the 23rd, and it shoots to the 28th or something, the 27th. They go, fuck. I go, you know what?

I'm not going to not go in. This is something I used to do, not go in. Fuck it. Book it, and everything will fall into place. Yeah. Going there and book the fucking job. So I went down there, I went over to CBS Radford,

went in there. I knew as I was reading. As I walked in, they both looked at me. I go, oh, fuck. They're like, thank you for coming in. I sat down. I read it one time. I said, let's read it again.

She goes, don't look at me when you say that line. I read it, boom, walked out, and I knew right there. They even said to me, thank you. What was that whistle? Oh, no. Is that my lung? I got to stop smoking a refra, right? Did you hear that thing?

I did. I wasn't going to say anything. It's like a kazoo. I like it. When your lung has a whistling, it's time to go see a couple doctors, you know what I'm saying? But that's when you know you're smoking some heavy to the refra. I don't fuck around, people. I ain't fucking around, no.

So I leave there And it's Thursday, right? It's Thursday? Yeah, right, Thursday. So sure enough, Friday, I'm driving. It's 3 o'clock. I'm going to meet my wife. We're going to have all these plans.

And I go, holy fuck. I didn't book that job. They would have called me by now. It's 3 o'clock. They would have called me. Ah, fuck it. Next one, you know? I get home, I take my shoes off.

I sit on, I pick up, and the phone rings, and there it is. The agent's number. I go, I booked Brooklyn 9-9-10. She looked at me. I looked at it. I got it. I talked to them. But I have to shoot. They wanted me to shoot Tuesday and Friday. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday.

I told them, absolutely, I would have had to cancel Portland just Friday. We could have done the podcast, and then I would have gone back Saturday and Sunday. I would have done the two shows on Friday, but they hit me up yesterday, and my agent tried to fucking kill it, and they couldn't kill it. They said either week, she's Tuesday and Thursday, we're recast. We love Joey, but we can't. Yeah. So I'm shooting Tuesday and Thursday.

So I won't be able to do a podcast with Lee and Portland Thursday, but I get to do four shows on Friday and Saturday. So we'll come around and do it. And then I had to cancel Chicago the following week because I got the other movie. Yeah. So I start shooting that on Tuesday. But it means you're doing well. I mean we're funny.

We're busy. Yeah. You know, we're busy and this is the time of the year. You know, it's always a different fucking time of the year for me. So some of the years, but usually September to December with December being the strongest. is usually the best time of the year for me. So we booked the fucking show, and it looks pretty good.

It's Andy Sandberg, the guy from The Wire, my buddy from fucking the longest yard, the guy that played the black guy, Terry Cruz. And they're really pushing it. There's billboards everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we got a good fucking job, people. So there you go. So we're on Brooklyn 9-9. We got the dog that saved Easter next week with Dean Kane again. The movie in December. Whatever the fuck happens, man. Yeah, this is it.

This is what you do. This is why you get up every fucking. the morning and read and write stupid fucking jokes. Where's the music league cocksucker? Let's spark this joint. It's Monday, September 23rd. You know what I'm saying? If you started last week and you're fucked up, fuck it. Start again this week. That's what

Mondays are for. Oh shit. Look at this fucking refurb. You ready for this? I'm too high already. God damn it. The goal is to make your eyeballs look the same red as your t-shirt. I just realized that I'm high. Like right before when you were letting up, I'm like,

Oh god, I hope he doesn't ask me to smoke. Come on, come on over here with you. Too hard. Come here. You got to go to 405. You got to 405 of being. I got to cut motherfuckers, right? Somebody twice as smart.

As I... Pays to smoke the best, bitches. Where's that whistle in my luck? Who... You ain't calling a Bill Clinton on me. I'm here. As you used to do with me. That misery loves...

Jesus, cuss. Wait and see. You know who was good to see the other night? Who? Red band. Yeah, he was great. Let me tell you some people. Red band's a fucking great kid.

Okay? I want you to fucking come and sit opposite me and Joe Rogan on a fucking boot one day and try to get a word in edgewise. And what the worst thing is, but people give him shit, that's stuff I would have said. He's like me.

He was a projectionist. He's a goofy guy. He just. I mean, he's a great fucking kid. I actually had a, I was planning on thanking him actually. Hold on.

My man Anthony Spina's on the phone here. Spina, what's happening, baby? I'm doing the podcast. Everything all right. I just take your call because I want to congratulate you. Cucksucker,

I love you. You and the wife. Where are you headed for the honeymoon? They're going to fucking South Africa for a honeymoon. That's a honeymoon right there. I love you. I wish everybody, give everybody a kiss,

and I didn't forget it. I gave Lee the card. On Monday. Oh, that's my boy right here. Oh, cool. Don't thank you. Thank you, brother. Okay, and when we see you, we're going to take care.

We're going to hook up. We're going to jump up and down and eat chibahues again. We'll do some jumping jacks. I love you. Be safe in South Africa. Be you the man. I forgot to tell him to congratulate him online. Anthony Speener, his beautiful wife, the guy from the palms.

Lee, tell him how I gave you the card deal. Thank you. So after the podcast. And we'll get back to Red Band in a second. I just realized we stopped talking about it. After the podcast, Red Band had his Desquad show. And he told me he was doing it. He told me he had a show right before the podcast.

And when he said you were doing it, even before the podcast, I was like, oh, so Joey's opening it, right? Because I knew you weren't going to stick it around. So, right at, like, literally after you got done taking pictures and got done smoking weed, you went up to do the show. And I just went to watch because I was high and I followed you. I don't know. But as we were waiting right at the door to go in,

He's like, and you've seen him on the church and you went in your wallet and you pulled out a gift card and he like handed it to me rushed. I was like, what the fuck? Because you told me like when you went to New York, they gave me a gift card, which I can't wait to use because I love the palms. Fucking steak's amazing. But like you handed it to me like eight seconds before you go on on stage and I was finally not high yesterday. So I was like, hey, let me ask you something. Why did you hand that? I don't know because I have a problem with shit going through my mind.

I don't execute and the thing leaves my mind. We all have that fucking problem And we gotta start taking care of it ain't just me People fucking email me and I talk to people all the time You get a fucking thing in your head sometimes Like wow Maybe I should write a story Maybe I should do this work

I know it doesn't happen to me alone It happens to a lot of people Yeah something comes to your mind And just about you're about to write it down The phone rings, something else comes to your mind Then you lose the thought And you lose the of what you Or you remember the thought

but you forget what you were going to really fucking write about like something like that or whatever the fuck you were going to do and that's why I can't forget. I had that in my wallet since Monday. Oh, okay. So I did two podcasts with you, didn't even fucking think about it. When I got to the car, I thought about it.

Fuck! I didn't give them, as soon as I put my wallet on the front seat, yeah. Fuck, I didn't give them a goddamn. Give card. Because I was worried since I was so stoned because I had told my dad about it, like, I think earlier that,

I think on the ride there I had mentioned it, because he's coming in November. I said, oh, cool, we'll get stakes. And I was worried at my highness that I had blacked out and asked you for it. Right before you went on stage, like, oh, God, I hope I didn't get high and asking for the gift card right before he went on stage. Lee, I got the, like I said, you know, there's no fucking amount of, I try to take everything.

I take the PS-94. I take the alpha brains. I take the fucking alpha brain. I'm sorry. Do you mean P90X? Yeah. No, no, not P-S-9. The other pill that they have, ATP, whatever.

I try to do so many things from my... I haven't got on luminosity yet, because I'm not that much of a fucking moron. But I need to do exercises for my mind. How about smoke a joint and fucking turn the lights off? That's a fucking exercise for your mind right there. You're sitting in the dark, listen to Black Sabbath master reality,

thinking about your debt. I don't know. I don't know. So just quickly on Red Band, And I had thought about saying something to him because he really started that, like, you wouldn't be doing this without him and Joe, and I wouldn't have what I'm doing without him. He basically, he started it up.

And some people, I think that's why he and I, he liked me, honestly, because when I first started, someone wrote to me and said something like, oh, you're great and you're better than Red Band. And I said, Red Band started this out for people. And I said that to him. I think he started following me then. but he's a cool guy he took me back to the studio he has

and he showed me some stuff and he's just goofy I love him I love him I really have learned to love him and I like him I don't need to have him and Joe together I don't need to have him together with anybody I adore hanging out with him by himself

he's a fucking funny little fucking guy especially like there's times I go to a way on with him me him and Joe we'll go to a hotel and he's up early so he'll call me

and we'll smoke a joint go to breakfast, giggle and then he'll go buy clothes really? Yeah, he'll go who'll find the Macy's. He'll take a cab to a fucking Macy's and call me from Macy's come on down here I found these $150 pants for $75

you know he's just a nutty guy. You do comedy with him at night you know you walk back to the hotel him, he's drooping, the next morning you call him, and he's been out to 8 in the fucking morning at some strip club with three fucking hook. It's just, it's craziness. And I wish I had

that endurance. I'm a pussy. Well, now... I've been a pussy for fucking 15 years since I was 36 or 35, bro. Trust me, I'm telling you. I can't live like that no more. He's 40. Yeah, that's something you don't think about. He can still stay

out and drink and shit. I can't fucking do that. Last time I was doing that, It was 2000. That's 13 years ago. I was 37 years old. I was a fucking loser and a half doing that shit. Going out and going to hotels and snort and blow by myself and shit. Jesus.

And staying out till 7 in the morning paranoid. That's a fucking nightmare life, man. I'm rolling up on six years of that shit, not doing it. That's crazy. I tell you, man, it's fucking crazy. Not, not, and the beauty that it's been it, it's not doing it and not thinking. about it.

Yeah. You know what was great? When you said, when we were talking earlier about the farmer's market, I was like, how, you would never have imagined he would be like selling, oh yeah, I get fair chicken, a nice watermelon juice. I've always got to the farmer's market. Because when I was doing all that blow, I felt that if I drank a watermelon juice and ate an apple.

Oh, okay. I was doing something positive from my system. If I ate sushi and drank water, like mineral water, like at Justin's Gym, they sell that. water. Yeah. They don't feel as sore. I think they take

something out of it or they put something in it. But were you as excited about it? Like you were like oh, it was a great Sunday.

Went to the farmer's market. Like I was like six, seven years ago he was doing blow and... Nah, but I've always been a fan of those things. My life in Boulder.

So that, that hippie type of thing I liked. I liked. I really enjoy that outdoor stuff. I really enjoy that these people grew it.

Do they really grow because they have one in Boston and he used to piss me off because it would just bring boxes of and it's from Hawaii and I'm like I don't want what you actually do you know like the fishing guys you know it's just nice to have a I have contact with the same people every week I'm a big small business type guy you know I grew up in a different society there's a lot of young people don't remember that you know walking down your street and being a shoe guy that would fix purses and saw everything for you you know the other day

I ripped my fucking kickboxing you shin things. I went to a leather guy and he fixed him better than anybody else could fit. He fixed him better than the manufacturer. You know, but he's a guy in the corner. I gave 20 bucks to, you know. I enjoy knowing the butcher's name. When I go to Rob's, I don't know the fucking butcher's name. No. I buy meat off the fucking rack. I want to walk in and the butcher goes, I got something for you. Come here. And we go on the back and he shows me this piece of fucking meat that he hasn't even put out yet. Or these lops of tails he got that he's not putting out to him.

Monday and it's Saturday afternoon. Oh. Do you think that still exists anyway? Yes, yes. Did you see that there's a kid on Facebook that wrote about Norman the butcher in Hollywood at the Hollywood Rouse? No, you told me about that. If you went on to that guy was my butcher. Why?

Because I'd have a life. He knew I had a wife. At the time he knew I had a girlfriend, we both liked to eat sticks. So every time I walk in there, psalm here, look at these thin sticks I got. You know, he's a big black guy. So that's lost in this country. You know, a place where you could go to, when you go to the local chain in your town, wherever anybody lives, you just buy apples, or you go to the organic side,

and you go to the regular side, and you buy bananas, or you buy this, or you buy that. When you go to a farmer's market, you communicate with one guy. He's your conduit to what's going on. Don't buy the cherries this week. They're not that good. Ooh, I know you don't like Chinese apples. Take three of them. They're sweet, and a little baby likes them.

The guy goes to sells us the fruit, gives us a discount, because my wife goes to him downtown. on Thursdays in the farmer's market downtown. So her and her employees from work walk over there. So she goes, that's a guy from downtown. He's Cuban. So we always talk. So at the end of everything, on Sunday, he walks over with an apple or a peach

and he gives it to mercy, to her hand. From his hand to her hand. That's very special. They don't do that no more in this fucking country. And the kids of the 20, you forgot about that, where the guy would walk from behind the counter, every fucking Sunday he stops what he's doing

with 50 people in front of him and he's got other employees and he gets a fruit and he brings it to mercy and it's a free fruit you know when I was a kid there used to be across the street from my mother's bar

way before the New Moon Chinese restaurant there there was an Italian deli where the guy would wear a smock you know and he'd slice co-cuts for you and he had buckets with avocados and potatoes and you went and grabbed them

But what I remember from that was the back wall. I really remember the back wall because the back wall was where you got up and he had all the penny candy. So he had all this penny candy and boxes, you know, like fruit boxes. But you had to get on a fruit barrel to go. Like your parents would have to pick you up

and you'd reach and you get the candy canes. Or another fuck candy he had. I don't fucking know. Does it matter? But after I'd buy everything, after I'd give them the 50 cents or... Like my mother had the bar right across the street. So a lot of times my mother would have a beef with me

I got to have an argument, whatever, whatever the fuck And somebody would be there and they go, Let's walk him across the street I remember being four, like in five And like somebody from the bar Walking across the street with me And saying, get whatever you want And at the end of everything

The guy would go in the back And come out and give me a Carmel Apple You know what you feel like When you're fucking four or five That the guy went in the back and got you that So my daughter's too fucking young To realize what's going on But when she's three or four, she's going to realize that this guy comes out every day.

Every Sunday, this fucking guy comes out when I'm home. And that's why I try to get back early. Because the early I get back, I go to Farmer market with them. Let me hit the same people every week. There's the Mexican people, got the hot dogs with the bacon on them. Oh. You know that, right? No.

Different, different people. And they come up from Downey. But they have juices. So they have watermelon juice. They got strawberry with milk and ice, watered down. They have, you know, tamarindo. Then they have a paella station. You didn't go there with your girlfriend.

You're going next fucking Sunday, Copsucker. You go like at 9.30, you park your car. And you walk around. They have, like, fruit and apples and peaches and all this stuff. And at the end, they have a mule, and the kids go on the mule, and they go up and down, they jump. And, you know, and to watch. I mean, listen, it's not my favorite farmer's market.

This one appeared in Laurel Canyon because it's a bunch of fake people. You know, you got a couple actors in there, and they stand in the middle. And they clog up the traffic and you want to smack them in the fucking face because move over, you fuck. Move over. What the fuck you do in the middle for? You know, you have paparazzi up there? Really?

Oh, yeah. They're fucking idiots, too. Did they ever go after you? Once. About a year ago, they went up to me up there when my wife was pregnant. I told him to go fuck themselves. I did. I really did.

They got stupid. He got really stupid. I think he's like an apprentice. It's a couple of them. It's a fat little Chinese guy. It looks like a Buddha. He's got like a little fucking mustache and shit Last week they were chasing somebody

You know A farmer's market usually go with your child You know You're gonna go up there and take fucking pictures Like a little faggot With your fucking camera By the way Speaking of Fags

Did you see Liberacee one last night? I saw you were excited about it I saw Michael Douglas one last night And as I was switching to the channels last night It was on And I watched it for a little while Fucking Tremendous One of my favorite movies

I still have to watch it I thought of you the other day. You don't have HBO. No, because I, DirecTV call me and they were like, we can offer you HBO for $10 a month, I said no, and as I was saying, I was like, Joey,

I get old, I could hearers, just pay the $20 bucks, cutter. Ten bucks a month, and you got HBO. Think about that. I know, I don't watch the TV I have right now. I don't watch for fucking ten bucks. You got it.

What's ten bucks? That's $100. It's $120 a year. What's $10? You're making dough. You're an editor. Yeah, well, I don't know. Fuck it, and all that, something.

You got chicks coming over here? Yeah. You watch the Cat Williams special? Yeah. The first one? Which one? Catapalooza or? The first one.

What the fucking... Oh, the Pink Carcles? Yeah. Yeah. What's he saying there? That of his house. He's got Al-Azee. He don't drink Al-A, but when the bitches come over, right? Yeah.

The sheets, they're white. They're covered. And you're playing now. Yeah. Yeah, so you got to have HBO for the freaks. Maybe she don't want to watch fucking break him bad. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she wants to watch Boardwalk Empire on a Sunday.

You ever think of that? Huh? I'm sorry. For the $10. And then you add Hulu Plus for the $7.99 a month. No, that I already have that. See what I'm saying? The other fuck you're going to lose.

So you got Hulu and HB fucking up. You do good just with Hulu. With Hulu alone, people do fucking good. $7.99 months, $8 a fucking month. $96 a year you're watching shows. Who's better than you when we give you two weeks for fucking free? So you get the Hulu and now you got HBO. For $10.

I was Lee. You're breaking my fucking heart. You know the documentaries you're missing? What about sports? Listen, real sports. Yeah. It's a type of show that even if they did, you never seen a documentary that about the fucking kids in India, the jockeys? No, but you're watching Grand Death Auto like a fucking guy, mugging hookers.

Fuck yeah, I am. And I'm ripping off car drug dealers, cock suck. I was. I was saving the world last night. See, you can't get me high and expect me to have a real conversation. No, I don't know. I, uh, from the time I was in high school to the, to now, like my, my, my, we were a little bit well off when I was younger, but from high school until about a year ago, things have been tight. And now that I'm finally making, like, I'm not like, like, week to week, I still don't want to spend the money.

Last night, me and my wife had nothing for dinner at the house. And I got in the fucking car. What, what are we going to eat? I don't know, what are you going to eat. I don't know what you feel like eating. I don't know what you feel like eating. I don't know what you feel like eating. The Argentinian food is always a salad. No, maybe we'll go to this place.

And I said, fuck it, let's just go to Cheebo. I went to the other day, and the organic salad was delicious. And I'll get a side order of the pizza or the spaghetti, because the spaghetti comes meatless. Okay. Delicious, red sauce, delicious. And in the middle of this, I said, you know what? I'm not fucking going to Hollywood on a Sunday to drop 100 fucking bucks,

whether I have it or not. I'm not fucking going down there. I made a U-turn winter routes. We went and spent $200 fucking dollars in groceries, and that's it. and we made a saddle at the fucking house. I understand what it is to be cheap or not cheap. My time is valuable on Sundays.

I didn't want to go to a restaurant, spend an hour there, and they didn't have to go to fucking routes. You know what I'm saying? So it's not, and I understand, but for the simplicity of it, HBO had 19 things on there last night that I would watch.

Really? Because when you have HBO, they give you all those other shit. Right or wrong. They give you all those other channels. Probably. Yeah, they have a thousand things on night. I'm not a TV guy.

I can't sit there and watch you know, fucking 20 hours of me, yeah It's just not for me no more It's just not, and I'm not mad that somebody does it It's just when I'm sitting there watching I know I could be doing something else Yeah

You know, I need to write bits I need to write this fucking book So for me to sit there and throw fucking nine hours away at once I would love to be able But that's what I think about You know, that's the type of guy I think about I'm thinking about doing laundry even though I don't have to do long

until Tuesday I'm always thinking about what the fuck I could be doing that's why it's hard for me to sit there for five hours yeah you want to watch I watch Breaking Bad Tonight I watch Breaking Bad

I think I have nine episodes In the first season Oh cool I wanted to start it from the first season Oh you have to Yeah there's no way And it's pretty interesting He lost his job

He had cancer You know I fucking get it I would sell drugs too I think in about two weeks You're going on Like I fucking stayed up for 27 hours watching Because once you get to like the end of the first into the second season, it hoax you.

Now, Dexter was the finale last night. Yeah, but that's something I know. I don't have short time. I didn't watch it. I watched the first 10 minutes of it. And again, I had to answer emails. It's, it's, I couldn't do it. And my wife left me.

My wife would have stayed out there. I would have watched Dexter. I would have sat with her. Mm-hmm. Because I have a feeling that in my life I have to sit with her and watch a TV show on a Sunday night. See, America used to watch the fucking guy that used to do music. See, we used to watch. now they have Sunday night football

instead of Sunday night football they had American whatever We watch animals and shit Like the American bandsdown Saturday mornings Okay And then the 7 a m, 7 p.m. on Sundays was the Lawrence Woke show

So America watched Lawrence Walsh And watch fucking Liberace Play the piano and people dance And people love that shit Which that became Dancing with the Stars We're a generation of dancing Mm-hmm So our generation loves dancing with the stars

Oh my God The fuck out! out of him and watch TV and watch fucking people dance. You know, I was telling somebody a story that a lot of people were going to do magic with the stars. Did you know that? No, they weren't. Yes, they were. They used to be a girl comic in San Diego.

It was a very sweet girl. She's the one that held Doug Stanhope's balls when he shaved his balls on stage in Austin 15 years ago. Her name is Jen, I think. Really sweet girl. And she was a magician. Her father was, they're from New York. and her father was a vaudeville guy

I don't know one of those street performers in the circus so this girl learned how to be a fucking magician you know she grew up in a fucking circus fucking comedian

grew up in a circus like a Puerto Rican circus not like ringing brothers so she moved to New York to do comedy or something and she would keep in touch me from time to time one night I got to call

and she was cute and I was doing blow and I know she did blow and you know When somebody's cute, and you know that you could do blow with them, you know the next move eventually you're going to be sucking her fucking pussy at 5 in the morning. I'm coked up with dry cotton moth and shit. So I knew something was going to go down between this eventually.

She was a young cute girl, and I was a coked-up pervert. And one night she called me, and I was sleeping on a Monday night. She goes, hey, man, can you get a package? And I'm like, where are you? She's like, I'm at the magic castle. Oh, shit. Okay. And she broke it down for me.

She got a job. She'll be working with the other magicians on the show. I got a sneeze. One of these smoke rings went in my nose. So she keeps calling me, and I get a blow, and it's Monday night. Something happened. I had an audition. And any other night, I would have got up and got it a blow and went over and take my dick out and jerked off.

You know, something disgusting. So I told her no. So she calls me back, and she goes, she's at a bar, and she's with some magician buddies. And I go, all right, all right, have a good night. And she goes, I'll call you during the week. I love you. I love you too. And I didn't hear from her for three or four days.

I finally called and she goes, she answered, but she was very different. She goes, can I call you back? And she called back a couple minutes later. She goes, I don't know if you hear what happened. Remember I called you the other night? Because she, she goes, I called you back. And remember I told you, I hooked up with some magician guys.

Well, that night I went back to my room and like an hour later, the one guy broke into the door and raped me. This is fucking heavy duty. I'm like, what? And she's like, yeah, a little while later, I heard something in the window, and the guy broke in. I don't know the whole fucking story. And she goes, they arrested them. It was an ABC show.

They canceled the fucking whole series because of that. Oh, shit. I was wondering, like, how did this come from? Was it stars doing magic? So she, I know that she came back to L.A. to press charges. Mm-hmm. They had to go to court and shit, and she had to, she moved away. But that's a true story.

See, I give the fucking podcast for you with some. It's Monday morning, cocksuckers. What the fuck you want? You know what I'm saying? You got to get up, you got to wash your fucking feet. You got to fucking pull the skin back on your helmet, and you got to get out there. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

The sun's out. You go swimming this weekend, cocksucker? No. You go swimming this week. I don't have... When it's a juicy guy? When does it starts October 1st? October 1st.

Yeah. Why don't you start tomorrow? Because I don't want to. I don't know. I was planning on going in Portland. So I didn't get the stuff, and now I don't want to. You know the juice for how long was that? I started to do another month.

Another month. How many pounds are I dropped this time? I'd like to do the same, like 50 to 70 in between there. I'll get you, you handsome motherfucker. You go back to Boston looking sharp with the broad. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah? It's hard.

I'm stone. I like losing weight, but then it gets tough, and, like, I put like 20 back on, so I want to nip it in the bud before I put all it back on and make it, like, make their homeowner for nothing. You're looking all handsome. Let me see the crab today. Let me see.

She can give it to me, oh shit. You bad motherfucker you, you know what I'm saying? But it's just funny how, I didn't mean to bring, I just thought about that story yesterday about the girl

and then we're going to do magic with the fucking stars and whatever happened to it. That's what happened to it. That's crazy. That's fucking crazy. She was a good girl, too. I knew my ex-boyfriend,

he moved to Houston. Why was Doug Stahope shaving his balls on stage? Had to be about 12. years ago, maybe 15 years ago in Austin he got banned. I would imagine. He took his dick out and shaved his balls on stage or something. I don't fucking know.

You know, a lot of people have no idea. They just signed on for the Stanhope Brigade now. Stanhope's been tortured motherfuckers for 20 years. And you lived with him for a little bit, right? One of his days I'm going to get him on a live podcast. And we're going to fucking tell some fucking stories. How did that happen that you guys ended up living together?

I met Stanhope And basically 91 when I first got into comedy. I was the host at the broker in Boulder. Oh, you knew them up there. Okay. I knew them from fucking Boulder, guys. I know fucking Johnny come lately. And they used to go for Tuesday's Boulder, Wednesday off, Thursday, Craig, Friday, Durango,

and Saturday, Colorado Springs. Okay. That was the week for Tribble. Tribble is still around. He books one-nighters. There are rooms that are painy-ass to do. There's a lot of driving in between. Like you got to get up, like he'll call, let's say you got to be in Boulder Tuesday.

You got to get the Boulder by Tuesday. Since it's the only pays $175 a night, you're not going to take a flight. No, you don't drive. And now the fucking gas will kill you. So you got to drive there. Then from there, you got to get to Craig Colorado, which is six hours away. But you have Wednesday off. So you got two days to get up there.

So you got a choice. You could stay in your fucking, again, you get paid $1.75. What do you think? Holiday Express is a buck 30. So there's no holiday in Express for that night off. So either I'd sleep in your car or know somebody. If the comics were cool on Tuesday and I could click with them, I'd have them stay in my house.

Oh, okay. Yeah, so I'd tell them, stay at the broker tonight, and tomorrow we've got a late check-out, enjoy Boulder, and call me about five. We'd get something to eat, and you could stay over. I had just gotten divorced. So I had this huge living room, and I had a shower. Fuck it.

And they would come, take a shower, and leave Thursday morning, drive to Craig. Oh, okay. You know, it's good because I knew someday I was on me to Wednesday night cover, and I got him, you know. So he would come to town. He came twice to Boulder. I'll call coming in a little quick. We'll finish this later.

Oh, shit. Good morning, my friend. How are you? You know me, Doug. Jumping up and down, getting ready to go. Fucking, we were in the condolabro one last night, Liberacee Slingin' Dick. I'm excited today. Did you see that movie, Joshua?

I watched it. A fucking tremendous. was the worst piece of shit I've ever seen in my life. No, no, no, no. See, you looked at it through a Hollywood standpoint. I looked at it for what it was. It was a creepy old guy convincing a young guy to suck his dick. That's fucking artistry where I come from.

You get your dick suck right now asking a 20-year-year-old chick to suck your dick. Wait till you're 60 and you're trying to get a 25-year-old guy to suck your dick. That's magic right there. Yeah, but no, not if you get that kind of money. Shit. He was banging. He was getting all those. Once you see one, you got to figure he did it a thousand times.

Now, this wasn't 2013, Josh. This was the 60s, and he was slinging dick la Michael Jackson. Yeah, but let me take it on me. In the 60s, they were more apt to suck dick because they had to be undercover sucking dick. They were going to get it wherever they wanted. They didn't have to be as choosy. Those guys had it rough because they also had to maintain that they were men.

Now, I was six when I saw Liberace. I knew back then he sucked the cock. It didn't take no fucking genius. But you know who was the best in that movie? Was Rob Lowe? Yes, he was. Yes, he was. He was amazing in that movie.

He was amazing. Everything else was too stupid. It was campy. It was ridiculous. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it, man. I just liked how Michael Doug... I watched that part again last night,

how Michael Doug was convinced him to suck his dick. It was brilliant. You taking notes? No, but you got to look at something like... that and go, Jesus Christ, this motherfucker, the first time I saw it, that's what I kept looking, I'm like, what the fuck is Liberation going to do to my name? Madame man, I have to

honestly say, I've never, and not because I haven't asked, but once I ask, I just don't ask again, I've never actually tried to convince someone to suck my dick. Like a girl or a boy? A girl, or a boy, but definitely never anybody. Never tried to convince anybody.

Because I want to say no, I'm like, all right. You never told the girl, like, why not? And she'll say, well, I don't do that. I don't know. weekends, then you got them. Once they stick around, listen, if you ask a girl to suck your dick and she sticks around, they got them. Usually if you ask a real woman to suck your dick, she'll say, I'm appalled. She'll throw a drink in your face and walk away. I don't think I've ever dated anybody that knows the word appalled, so I think I'm in good shape. I don't know it either. I just heard a deal day.

Yeah, I think I'm a pretty good shape with that. I think. I try to keep, actually, look, the only woman that I've ever dated that had any kind of a kind of accountability, I ended up marrying, so that's how that went. She was too smart for me. They always are. They always are. They get you to the back door. Look at me. I moved in. Now I got an eight-month-old fucking girl at the house. That's amazing. By the way, Joe Deere, let me hear.

About your career, things in career, I was going to talk to you about this yesterday, but I wait today. Your career right now is probably in a better spot than it's ever been. Can we say that? Yeah, yeah. Is that crazy? Did you think at your age, did you ever come to a point where you were like, I might have to stop? Three years ago. Was it three years ago? Yeah.

And that's about where everything turned around for you, isn't it? Yeah. About three years ago, I was ready. When I moved to the Valley, I started seeing it for what it was. And I'm like, you know what? I don't want to go on the road, you know? You and I had the discussion. Yep.

I don't mind doing television and film. but I'm not doing the shit I was doing for three years. Like the after strike shit that came my way, I don't need that again, you know. I like doing spots during the week. I just don't want drama. If I got to stay out to 1.30 to do a spot, ain't a spot. I'm too fucking old for that.

You got a spot at 9.30. Let's get this party started. But if not, one, two in the morning, I'm not doing that shit no more. And I was getting ready to quit. And I liked the podcast thing. I did like the radio aspect of it. So I asked Felicia,

Let's do a fucking podcast. And it only, but it was a combination of a lot of things, Josh Wolfe. You know, you're here for a long time. Yeah. That's the secret that a lot of people don't know. Yeah, some people come. Roseanne went to the store and she got on the Tonight Show and if she was a paid regular one night, that's a good fucking fairy tale.

But that doesn't happen nine out of ten fucking times, you know? 99,000 out of 100,000. It doesn't happen. I never, I mean, 99,000, 9,000. 99 out of 100,000 that doesn't happen. That never fucking happened. But here's the thing, like, I think, and I think you and I had the same kind of feel.

For me, it was like, because you keep, you're always told in this town, or you're not even told that you kind of have that feeling once you get past a certain age, if you're not already in, you're never got to be in. You know what I mean? I never believe that. You never believe that.

Never believed that. I heard something at the stall one night that destroyed me, but I thought it was the dumbest fucking statement I had ever heard. What did you hear? I heard Messina tell one of those dumb broads that hangs out at the store

that once you're 27, you're done in this town. Remember when they were producing those Showtime specials about 10 years ago? Yeah. They produced about nine of them for nine different comics. Yeah. He was at the store telling some girl

that if in this town, if you're over 26, you're dead. You're not going to make it. Your career is fucking dead. You're a nobody. I sat there. and thought about it and went home, and the next night I go up there he is,

and I pulled him aside, and I go, what the fuck gibberish were you fucking talking about last night? He goes, what are you talking about? I go, you told some girl that if you're over 26, I go, you wouldn't have a fucking dime if it wasn't for Tim Allen, the fat guy with the glasses, and the other dude, and none of them were 26 when they made it. Yeah, no doubt.

And he looked me straight in the face. Yeah. Mid-30s, right? He looked me straight in the face, and he goes, you're right. I go, don't ever repeat that to somebody. fucking what's my fucking idol he didn't make it

until he was 50 something years old Rodney Dangerfield wasn't even in a fucking game till he was 50 something years old now is that true yeah he was in the game

and he got out because he had to support his family so he sold aluminum siding in Jersey but he kept writing Josh he wrote like Mitch Hedberg's type shit every day so when he got his shot

he had three hours of material, which nobody really has. He had 10 hours of fucking one-liner, you know, my wife, this. So everybody wanted to put him in everything. You got to watch that biography. It's pretty fucking good. I didn't see it. It's pretty much mixed with Caddyshack

because he started, he got so busy that he started blasting, right? They kept putting him on the Tonight Show. And every time he went on the Tonight Show, he did six new minutes. But this was throwaway shit for him. He had notebooks full of jokes. So they wanted Don Rickles. The studio wanted Don Rickles.

goes for Gatley Shack. Harold Ramis said, fuck that noise. I want Dangerfield. They brought him down to Florida. What biography is it? On A&E? On A&E. That whole scene where he did,

he wanted to quit after the first scene. That thing, when he walks in, he goes, you must have been something before electricity. That whole fucking six minutes, right after that when they said, cut. He goes, he walked up to Harold Ramis, and he goes, fire me. And he goes, why?

He goes, because nobody laughed. He goes, they're not supposed to laugh. You're shooting a fuck. movie, stupid. He goes, they're not laughing. Nobody's laughing. What is this shit? And he did it again,

and Rodney Dangerfield was born. But the reason that Rodney was so big was because even though he quit going on stage, he kept writing. He fucking said, fuck it. I'll get my shot eventually, and I'll have 10 hours of material. So there you have it.

You know, that's the one thing that I, if there's one thing for me that has gone away a little bit, is my desire to write new material. That's the one thing. Look, I used to sit down every night, and now I'm writing other shit, but my desire to write new material,

which is one of the reasons my desire to travel has dropped a little bit, has gone. Like, when I sit down and I go, I'm going to write, it isn't comedy now that I sit down and want to write. You know what I mean? So I struggle a little bit with that fire that used to be there,

I was like, I'm going to write them. I'm going to go out and just try some new shit. That fire is not fair as much as it used to be. Well, I'll tell you what I started doing, which is going to work for you, because you like to do what I do. I'm always writing a book. Yeah. So when I open up Lift, Lift, and I write the fucking chapter or the scene for the day,

I always leave a notebook open next to me because I'm exercising. And we all super set in the gym, right? Mm-hmm. Why not super set when we write? So, me and Josh went to the corner. We walked fucking the dog across the street We were both coked out And right there I'll think about a dog joke

And I'll go to my fucking notebook Which is right there and write Even if it's just the Not the joke out But the thought, whatever that's called The premise Yeah, yeah You know, and it's so weird how you struggle

You can't write dick for 90 days And all of a sudden you go to St. Louis You get two premises You bring them up on stage on Thursday And you just wrote 20 fucking minutes So those two months that you were struggling for and you were cracking, don't struggle like that. Some days comedy comes out and some days it fucking doesn't, man.

That is crazy, though. I do agree with that. Like, there are some weeks where you sit down and fucking nothing comes out. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And then all of a sudden, for two or three days in a row, you're prolific. But then, but it's those two or three weeks that make you think,

I've got to get that. What the fuck is that? Yeah, what the fuck am I doing? I can't write. more. What am I going to do when I go to this place? They've seen that joke, and all of a sudden you got on a plane, and a baby bangs his fucking head, and you start

writing on the plane, and then you smell a fart at luggage, and you throw... And all of a sudden, it starts building, and you get this momentum, and all of a sudden, you left, you know, you went, you had great shows, and you came back with 11 minutes of material, and all a sudden in three weeks you've written an album, but for six weeks before that, you were on the road.

Joe Diaz, some dude, you know, farted luggage, some dude was clipping his toenails on the plane in the row across from me. No, he wasn't. Clipping his fucking toenails. Oh, you got to say something to that nasty motherfucker. That were eating hummus on a plane? I got to say something to you, though.

Clipping his toenails, and the guy next to him wouldn't say anything. Wouldn't say anything. And I was across the aisle, and I kept looking. Now, you hear it's like, tick-de-k! And I have... Did he have flip-flops on this filthy fuck? No, he took his shoes and socks off. Oh, shit. Like, uh,

like, uh, like, uh, fucking John Kennedy and train planes and automobiles and he told you looked at Steve Bond and he goes, whoof, my dogs are on fire. He took his fucking shoes and saw off. The guy next to him

was a polite white man and decided not to say anything. And when I get off the plane, I said some of the guy to go because I was clear across. The guy was in a window all the way across and I was in the aisle all across a little of window, so I have, you know, five seats separating me.

I just thought it was disgusting. I looked over, and I put my headphones back on, and, you know, put my hoodie on and went back to sleep. But I said to the guy when I got up a plane, the guy was the next time, I go, how did you not say anything to that dude, clipp in his toenail? He was, he paid for his seat just like I did. I go, no, no, no, no, no. No.

He paid for his seat. He did not pay extra to take his shoes and socks off and clip his fucking toenail. Are you crazy? The guy was like, well, it's America. I'm like, okay. Whatever. How gross is that? You know, man, it's fucking crazy out there.

There's some filthy motherfuckers out there. I would never dream of taking my foot out in fucking public like that. No. That fucking hoof. No. The only thing I take out, I've started to do like you, I take my little G-pan out everywhere in public, but that's about it. Let me tell you.

I was on a plane. two weeks ago coming back from New York, and I had a ball itch that was brutal, and I was high as fuck on an edible, and for some reason I had the window seat. I had the middle open, but I had some lady in the outside, and I did not have the balls to get up. I was so high, Josh Wolf.

I was on fire. I'm one of those fucking Deca Choo's, whatever. Those Goomy Beah, I don't even know what the fuck I was on. The Cheever Cheever Chewes? Yeah, but now they got the Goomy Bears, 275 milligram. I gave one to Lee at the Ice House Friday. His eyeballs almost blasted out of his fucking...

What is it? What's a gooey bear? Is it like a gummy bear? Yeah, a gummy bear. Only a gummy bear, because you're fucking all goomed up. How many do you eat? I eat about ten of them. You know, me I'm a fucking gorilla.

How much of a cheebut-you do you eat? Not to the... It's weird. If I'm going to work out, I can't eat edibles no more. Because they get my anxiety going. Like, when I do the treadmill or whatever the fuck I do when I start breathing hard, I think I'm going to have a heart attack So I stopped with the fucking edibles

Before I work out If I have a clear day Then fuck it I'll blast those motherfuckers Like a soldier How much of a Cheeverchoo You're putting down? I could throw it down a whole 175

For breakfast Get the fuck out of it Shit like a soldier I could pop one of those In 10 minutes when I get home Without even thinking But I wouldn't I'll pop a hybrid or a Sotivachievichibati

Just to get the party started Just to get the blood going and then by 2 o'clock, you know, I got to face my fears and I got to figure what to do. But if I don't have like a jiu-jitsu at night or something like that, I will blast one at 6 o'clock and go for, if I don't have a spot, Joshua, unless I, listen, those days are staying up till 2

and trying to be prolific in writing, those days are long gone. No, gone. All right, so what are you up for? To do what? To watch what? Oh, no, I don't stay up past all that. Yeah, I can't do it no more. I had to be here at 6. I gotta get up at 4.45, right?

I've got to be at 9.30 on these nights. Unless you're paying me, you're not getting me out of the house on a Tuesday or a Sunday night because I want to be fresh here. This is why I need to be fresh. Yeah, but I, if I'm doing a spot, like when I do, sometimes you do three shows on the road, which are brutal, like on a Saturday night. But if I'm at my house, I'm in my bed by 11. It's not even, there's not even a question.

I don't write at night anymore. I only write during the day. That's it. I love getting up in the middle of the night still. That's my best. And do what? If I wake up at 315, I pee, and I can't go back to bed, I've hit that coffee machine, I get one of those cups. I go in there, I roll a fucking joint, I check my Twitter, Facebook, Outlook, Gmail, and right from there, I'll drink half a cup of coffee, half that fucking joint.

I just, because for a guy like me, even if I write a paragraph, it's worth it. If I get up at 3.15 in the morning, I'm going to punch myself in the face. No, Josh Wolf, if get up sometime, next time you get up at 2 in the morning and you can't, go to the TV, wait five minutes, go make a cup of coffee, take two hits off the G-Pen, and open up the computer. You're going to be surprised what happens at 3 in the morning. It's a complete different situation in your home. You used to write at that time years ago, and you got positive results. Yeah, but if I do it now, I'm going to end up looking at porn. Well, you look at porn, you whack off quick, and you get it out of the way.

I do the same thing, you know. You don't even have to have to look at porn. You just have to think about it and whack off on the computer while you're typing in something else. I'm lefty. I'm ambidextrous. I can hit it from both angles.

You know me. No, I can't lefty. It's uncomfortable. I'm a lefty motherfucker. I'll type on the computer. I'll be in there hitting fucking hop mail with my right hand and wagging off with the other. Remind me never to touch your fucking keyboard.

No, I'm not one of those juicy motherfuckers. I don't like that. But I'm saying if you got a whack, it's not like you're in the middle of a parrot. Josh Wolf, if you're writing, You're in the middle of a paragraph And you're getting somewhere Pulling is the last thing on your mind

When you're in the second sentence of this paragraph That's already typed out in your mind There's nothing that will make you stuck Because that's basically the best feeling in the world When I could put a paragraph on paper For me that's almost as good as killing With the first fucking joke I agree with that

I agree with that Let me ask you something Did you watch the Emmys last night? I watched back and forth I watched, I saw when Matt Damon and Liberace were given somebody an award. That's it. That's all I saw. Why?

What happened at the Emmys? No, no, no. I don't, I don't get why. I guess I get why people watch Emmys. But for me, I'm going to watch the Emmys when somebody I know is going to win an Emmy. But other than that, I got no interest in it. I got no interest in it at fucking all. And I feel like, I think, and I keep thinking that, I'm the only person in this business who doesn't care.

I don't care, Joe Diaz. I don't fucking care the Steelers and the Bears were on. I knew the Bears were going to cover. I mean, I did not care at all. At all. I don't know any of those, dude. What happens the day that means you have to go to one of those events? Well, then I don't care.

There's going to be a day when I'm going to have to go to one of those Emmy Award things. But Joe Diaz, when you put on a tuxedo and go and sit in that. Oh. I will watch that. Oh. I will watch that. Oh, that's got to be fucking. I heard those things are a nightmare because

they make you get up in between. Let's say you need to get up, you need to get up only for a commercial break. Then they won't put the camera over there while you get up and going outside and smoking shit like that. I heard it's a fucking nightmare. Well then you've got to wait until commercial break to come back in. You have to wait the commercial break to come back in. I heard it's a fucking

nightmare. And then you've got to go talk to those people who don't really give a fuck about anything about you or why you're there. All they give a fuck about is God knows what. I don't, but that's the thing, man. I don't And I think it's basically because I don't know any of those people. And since I don't really know any of those people, I can't root for them.

I don't know if they're, I don't give a shit. Do me a favor, Lee, press up when Marlon Brando won the Academy Award, and he sent the Indian to collect his award. See, that's what I would do. If they call me Friday and say, Joey, you're definitely fucking winning. I would get so much anxiety that I get like a crack hole in Hollywood on Friday. and I give it like three Gs and go look at you going to the fucking Oscars. You remember when Brody brought that homeless guy on stage at the comedy underground?

Yes, I do. And then he thought it was going to be funny. And then the dude turned out he was threatening that he was going to kill everybody. Let me tell you something, bro. It's homeless at the comedy store on Sunday nights. You ever go to the comedy store on a Sunday night? One night they're going to shoot somebody up there. I've always said that if anything is going to go down,

it's going to be up there on a Sunday night. when those 200 misfits with dreams go up there when I went down there one time when I first got out of town it was a Sunday night right we're sitting in the audience and this dude comes in and a ski mask this is true

and he sits down and sitting there sitting there and you know a couple of comics say something to him and at one point in time he stands up with a ski mask on he's getting this deep voice and just says don't talk to me

motherfucker to the comic sits back down Timmy decided to get to have and walks out. We look out the window, dude and the ski mask was getting arrested. This was the very first time I moved to L.A., so this was back when Scott was on saved by the bell and all that shit, right? We look outside. Dude was getting arrested.

He had robbed that liquor store down the street, and on the way to wherever he was going, he stopped into the comedy store to hear some jokes on a Sunday night. He had a bag with him and a fucking ski mask guy. He stopped in the comedy store to hear a global joke. jokes before he escaped from the cops, or maybe he thought he was going to get in there, and that's where he was going to hide. But he ended up getting arrested.

Somebody almost could shout that night. That's stupidest, the stupidest burglar of all time, left his ski mask on. But it was pretty crazy. You know, I went to lunch a couple months ago with Rudy Sarzo. He was on the podcast, the bass player from Ozzy Osborne. He's a Cuban kid. And we're talking about musicians. And he was saying that.

It's so amazing how there's a fine line between what we do and mental health. Like, a lot of these people ain't fucking right. A lot of those comics at the Comedy Store on Sunday nights, they ain't fucking right. But I went to an audition last week. I went to an audition for that Brooklyn 9-9, and it was for a pizza guy, Sal. And there was a guy before me, Josh Wolf, but as soon as I walked into the audition, I smelt something. I didn't know what I smelt.

If you ever walked into something and you smell something, and you're like, hmm, maybe that's the aura of the office or maybe somebody in here smells like dick. Where was this guy? You ready for this? This was a roll for a pizza man. This guy got white pants, a white t-shirt. He didn't even rubbed tomato sauce on him.

He rubbed red paint on him. What? Yes, and he put a schmach on, and he rubbed red paint on that, and guess what he did to be remembered for the role? Guess what he fucking did? in 2013 in Hollywood and some agent sent this motherfucker out

He ordered a pizza to the office No, he rubbed garlic On his neck all over himself That's what I was smelling No So they had had him there for like 40 minutes And every time she came out She would say

We're gonna see you in a minute Like they were trying to get an excuse why not And it was down to him and me And they brought him in And I heard his read And you can hear both the casting lady And the other lady going That was tremendous

tremendous. And the guy's like, okay, it's garlic man. And they're like, okay, we're going to call your agent. We love you. Thank you very much. And this guy went into a 10-minute dialogue on why this was going to be great, him booking his first role, and why he rubbed the garlic on his neck. And when he walked out, the ladies went in with Fabriz, and they got me, and they both looked at each other day. They were like, that was fucked up. That was fucked up. When you walked into a casting director's office, and you are just, audition for something. Don't you wish that they told you what they really thought? I always wish, because they always did great job. I know a great job. I always wish they said, hey,

and you know what? That's not going to work for us. We wish you had done this because at least I would have gotten better. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But they can't, but they're so chicken shit or they treat everybody like children, but treat me like a grown-up and tell me what I did wrong so I can get better the next time I come in and see you. But let me tell you something, my friend. I wouldn't tell garlic man he was doing a bad job. I'm trying to get that motherfucker out of that too. I'm not going to even start a conversation with that fucking moron.

He tried to come out and talk to me. I just looked the other way and walked in there and avoided him. He was one of those people. He was just one of those people. What's the worst decision you ever made in an audition? What you thought going in, this is going to be this is a good idea. I know what mine was for sure. A couple of years

I had to audition for this show. This had to be eight years ago, called American Family. Way before. Oh, okay, no, that was a good decision. A bad decision? I went in for a role of his roommate that was all fucked up. Like he was one of those roommates that didn't pay randy, building your couch, you know.

So in my perverted cocaine mine, I said, this guy does blow. Maybe I'm going to the audition, coked up for the night before, and that's exactly what I did. And the lady threw me out of the audition. No. Some lady of Fox said to me, don't even read. Look at the shape of you. Get out of here.

I did kind of the same thing. This guy was supposed to be a loser, you know, a guy I never got off the couch. So I, in my brain, thought he was going to be a drinker. So I had a couple pops, and I went in and sloppily ate a bag of chips as I did the audition. Like chips fly all over the place. She won't with my mouth open and stuff. It was for a Sherry-O-Terry Pilot. And she was in the room.

and she, after we read, she goes, okay, I just got to ask you one question. What's with the chips? Why chips? I was like, I thought maybe he ate chips. I'm like, she goes, maybe he does, but he doesn't in his auditions. And I was like, fair enough. Okay, I'll see you later. And that was it.

That was bad idea. I had a couple pops, eating some ruffles, not a good look. I had one for, before American Family was American Family. It was a different show. but oh modern family I'm confusing it this was called the American family That was the Hispanic

It was Edward James Almos right No this was a show About a white family That had moved up And then they realized They were in the wrong neighborhood And I played the neighbor And when they first move in the pilot

They go outside And the neighbor doesn't have a pool But he has a Puerto Rican pool You know like a circle pool He's out there watering the lawn Looking at the neighbors going This is a great life isn't it

To this guy this was everything. So I went into this audition and all these guys are in there. The guy from, you know, Johnny Rose Beef is there. The guy from Splash is there. The big guy.

All these guys are there. I'm like, dog, I'm not going to get this as an actor. I got out with these motherfuckers as a comic. So I had sweatpants on. And for some reason, Josh Wolf, I wore underwear. You never wear underwear. Never.

I wore tidy whiteys on. And I had a warm-up shirt and a guinea white t-shirt on. and my plan was to take the shirt off, the hood of switch. How much did you weigh at the time? 4.15, throwing heat like a motherfucker. Arm pit rolls, the whole fucking deal, right?

I take the warm-up jacket off, and I just take the, and I just have the wife-beater on. That was the initial plan. But as I'm walking, and I go, maybe I should drop my fucking pants and make believe I'm watering the fucking thing. And I don't know what my line was. My line was like, you know,

Isn't this great? Listen, Joshua, if I walk in and the two girls in the office are looking at each other, they're like, oh, my God, they're looking through paperwork. And they go, yeah, yeah, come right in. I go, this is my chance to drop my pants. I take my pants off. I take my shoes off. I'm sitting there with underwear and no shirt on.

Tits are hanging. Grey hair. I got like one long gray hair on my chest. They turn around to look at me with underwear on. And I have the hose in my hand. Like in my hand, I have my hand on. I go, look at me. Living like a dog.

The doctor, bitches. No, it went right over. They booked me on site. They called my agent and said, we just ran into the best audition of all time. The guy comes here. I've done a thousand. One time I went in for that stupid show,

how I met your mother, and I had no underwear on, and as I went to sit on, you know when you have a little hole in your pants? You always have a hole in your pants. No, not anymore. It caught the armrest of the thing. Wait a second.

Wait a second. You don't have holes in your pants anymore? No, no, no. Because I've known you. Always a hole in your pants. Well, that was part of the fucking angle to have a hole so somebody can see your cock and suck it. But now, you know, I can't be walking around holes in my pants. I'm a 50-year-old man, dog.

I can't do that shit. But I went to this audition, Josh Wolf, and I went to sit down. My pants ripped. And my balls fell out. And I looked at all three women. And I go, did you see the Cuban egg grow? And they fucking lost it. Quah, quack, quack.

I called the egg girl because it's uncircumcised. And I just went, and I just did not stop. I just fucking went over them and rolled over them until they said, we love you, and I left. And as I'm to my car at Fox, I got a call from my agent. If they want you to go back, you forgot to read. I went back. You going to start the car?

Okay. I went back red and got the fucking roll. And then when I got to the set, I was the wrong guy. And if you ever watch how I met your mother, you'll see me standing there like an extra. They pretty much hated me because they hired me because my pants, my dick. So what's going on with this podcast you're doing? You're not doing a podcast with our buddy no more, right? Every Tuesday night, it's called Off the Rails with Josh Wolf.

We do it Tuesdays up on iTunes on Wednesday morning, but you can also, we do it in a place where we do it live, we stream it live, so you can watch it, but you can also call in. So it's kind of like a radio show slash podcast, so we have a good time. But you're going to come do it with me, right? October 8th. October 8th. You're going to sit in with me for two hours.

Two hours from 7 and 9 or 2. Tuesday night. I got to, but we, um, we get a little stupid, just like this one. We, I think we're, my podcast is a little, uh, yours is very, very real. We keep it a little lighter. All right. But equally stupid. I'm there.

All right. And I, Jacob just woke up. I got to take me school. I love you. Selling them, my love. Thank you for calling him, brother. Absolutely. Anytime, buddy.

Stay blackish. All right, bye. Bye. Let me get some shout-offs or some beautiful, fucking people today. Dan T. Jeff, good luck in court, Chris Monke, Iris A-Barr,

water boxer, profound wizard. I love you, motherfuckers. Like I said, do not forget. I'm only going to be at Helium this Friday and Saturday. The Thursday night show has been canceled. Call helium and find out what they're doing with the Thursday night tickets.

And that's it, motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? Do you want me to play the Indian for the Marlon Brando? Yeah, yeah, play the Indian for the Godfather. This motherfucker sent an American Indian update a win. And that lady, and she's in the full thing. Hello, my name is Sachine Little Feather. I'm Apache, and I'm president of the National Native American Affirmative Image Committee.

I'm representing Marlon Brando this evening, and he has asked me to tell you in a very long speech, which I cannot share with you presently because of time, but I will be glad to share with the press afterwards that he very regretfully cannot accept this very generous award and the reasons for this being are the treatment of American Indians today by the film industry

excuse me Malam Brando don't fuck around dog sent an Indian and on television in movie reruns and also with recent happenings at wounded knee. I beg at this time that I have not intruded upon this evening and that we will, in the future, our hearts and our understandings will meet with love and generosity.

Thank you on behalf of Marlon Brando. Are you fucking kidding me? That's how you sling dick. You send the indie. Oh, now you got to. gotta send a Jew or a fucking Indian. And he sent the Indian with the feather. She's beautiful, right?

You know what? She's looking at it. She don't fuck this as more. What do you name? Like, little feather? Yeah, little feather? Yeah, little feather. Fuck it. I ain't going. I'm sitting a little feather. Out of respect.

Oh, they're just going to booing her a little bit, well. That's respect. They don't give a fuck. That's my mother. Bro, you got to fuck. These people are going to fuck with you. So you got to fuck with them too before they fuck with you. And they know, and they know you ain't fucking around no more.

You know what I'm learning something new every fucking Monday here on the church of what's happened now. And let me tell you something else. You see, you're looking at me going, Joe, you're looking fucking good today. You know why? Because I'm using that butter from shaveclub.com. I'm telling you right now.

You guys are slipping. For a dollar a month, you get four razors. Two blades, right? For $6 a month, you get four razors, three blades, with a fucking aloe vera strip to give you a moisturizer. For the nine bucks a month, which is how much are you here, my friend? Fucking... 108.

Yeah. Don't fuck with me no more. I'm on a fucking row. Absolutely. You get the shave kit, the four razors, you get the handle. It'll make me break in the head. It's as heavy as a new chuck. So if somebody fucks, you can hit them in the fucking head with that razor.

And you get the ass wipes. One wife, Charlie's. One wife, Charlie's flavored peppermint, so if she likes the rim job, your asshole tastes like peppermint. Let me tell you something, too. And if you have a hemorrhoid, it works the other way. He'll sting the fuck out of that hemorrhock. And you get the cocoa butter.

It's not like shaving cream. You put it on the shower, and it clings on. what, man, I don't have to shave for like four fucking weeks. I'll be on papillon and I'll be looking smooth than a motherfucker. Like I told you earlier, go to Hulu Plus. If you're not getting a $799 a month from Hulu Plus, you're fucking slipping. Go to the box on Hulu Plus and press what?

Jilly. Joey, J-O-E-Y, get two weeks for free. On the fucking arm so you see what it's all about. So what? Give them the credit card. You didn't want a commitment from you too. Just tell them no, and that's it's over. They don't need your $7.99 a month. These guys are fucking making millions of show of movies. They got little Chinese boys in bank. cock jumping up and down the shower. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, and for Dollar Shaped Clubby, Pristin, Church.

Church. And then at Hulu Plus, Joey, and they have like the awesoms with Seth Myers, and they have Moonboy with Chris O'Dowd, the shows they're doing themselves. That's right. They have fucking automatic, they're programming right there, and you're wasting your time, deciding, so you get the fucking deal for $8, and then you get HBO, like, Leas and I get to tell they, I don't embarrass me. For $9.99.

I think I'm going to get a TV for my bedroom. So that's what you need, and you get the HBO? when you're better them. When your wife comes over, you can rub her toes, you can feed her little fucking burritos. Who's better than you? You're both on the bed laying naked.

You're not out here in this fucking couch or your feet up. I went in there, you fucking had peanuts all over your thing like a slot. You're killing me, though. You're killing me. I'm not on my couch on a TV tray from last night. You're going to be a pimp. Yeah, she wasn't here when I had that out.

Dispickable. I got some peanuts. I, fuck. You want to put peanuts in the juices, too? No. Want to smoke some more pot? Stabing the neck with the pet. You want a gumie bear?

No, I do, but not right now Why not right now? Because I have to go to work And I have to be at work in two hours So you'll be perfect No, I won't You'll be brand new You'll be like wake up to makeup

You know what I'm saying All right It's a beautiful fucking day To be alive You got the shout out Another thing I worked out Three days in a row

I didn't work out Because, you know I wanted to I'm 50 fucking years old My joints hurt My back hurts You know I can't be jumping around And I roll two of those fucking days

You know why? Shroom Tech Shroom tech sport You take three of those An hour before you fucking work out And I'll tell you what man You'll last a lot longer Yesterday I had a hard time breathing

But after I caught on I rolled you know And I got my ass kick But I fucking rolled They held my fucking sleeves I didn't know how to get out of it They were killing me yesterday Some kids from different school

came by from Northridge And they were great Two Spanish kids They were fucking amazing This Argentinian kid was amazing But anyway Go to fucking onit.com See what new stuff they had

I went to lunch with Arbor the other day they're going to release vanilla hemp force that's right you heard it here vanilla hemp force you think the fucking chocolate's good wait till you taste of vanilla he said it took them like a year to get the right fucking vanilla so there you have it Arby's out there fucking busting his ass for you guys

go to honor get the shroom tech sport if you're having a hard time fucking breathing get the alpha brain if you're having a hard time thinking if you can't make a fucking decision should I suck a dick or should I eat her ass get the fucking on it you know what the fuck Lee don't be making faces at me cock-sucker go to honor and press what papa

Church. Church. C-H-R. C-H-U-R-C-H. See, I haven't had my alpha brain yet. Just my head blood pressure medication. But you motherfuckers know what I'm talking about. I love you guys.

In the bottom of my heart, I'm happy you're here on Monday mornings to rock out with us. I want to thank Josh Woolf for calling. Don't forget Tuesdays. He's on the whatever network, the Ant Toad Network, whatever the fuck in his pod Toad.

Toad Hot. I'm sorry. Network. See, my man, Josh Wolf. He always got some good stories for you. I'm going to be out on the 8th. And that's it. I'm real sorry, Portland,

and I'm going to be taping the TV show, and you guys will be seeing me going, that's my fucking dog. We smoke dope together. But you're still there Friday and Saturday. I'm still there Friday and Saturday. I'm going to give you the best I fucking got. You know what I'm saying?

We ain't fucking around no more. Have a great day. Web is up there looking out for you. A fucking light a candle. Let the fucking universe know you'll love it today. That's the only way they'll love you back. If you tell the universe, I fucking love you, cock-suckers. Let's do this.

Let's do it. What's up, baby? Nothing. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial for the show was over. You did? Did I?

Yeah. All right, then the show's over. Is it not? Sure. You're the boss. I'm too high to mess with it. I ain't messing when you cuck. I love you.

I'm happy you guys came out today to watch, man. Thank you very much. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet.

Support this podcast. and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or just go to... Or go to joeydiaz.net and click on the banner. And don't forget to sign up for your free trial. Don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shave Club.com. A dollar, $6 and $9.

Stop being a cheap fuck. Look after your face. I'm an ugly fuck and I shave every fucking day. Nice. You got great fucking raisers. I'm telling you right now, I wouldn't have it on the podcast if they weren't great, solid fucking raises.

Do yourself a favor today for $1, $6, $9. Are you kidding me? And the $6 one, you can shave her pussy with. Who's better than fucking you? Go out there, sign up right now. What's the co-word? Joe, go to dollar shaveclub.com forward slash church.

And that's it. Or just go to Joe's on that. Who's better than you on that? Hit them with some music. What do you got? Hit them. Oh, have a great day today. Don't let nobody tell you you can't do dick.

If you want to do it, you can do it. Get out there. Put that dick in your fucking. hand and say I'm here and I'm committing, you bad motherfuckers. What? Fake niggas don't make it back. Fake niggas don't make it back. Sleeping is the cousin to death.

Rappers are monkey flipping with the funky rhythm. I be kicking. Musician, inflict the composition. A pain, I'm like scarf face, sniffing cocaine. Hold on an M-16. See with the pen, I'm extreme. Now, bullet holes left in my peatose. I'm suited up with street clothes.

Hammy and nine and out the feet foes. I know my stilo without the airplay. I keep some E and J sitting bent up in the stairway or either on a corner betting grants with the Celo champs, laughing at base heads, trying to sell some broken apps. G-packs get off quick forever, niggas talk shit, reminiscing about the last time the task force fled.

Niggas be running through the block shooting. Time to start the revolution, catch a body hand for Houston once they caught us off guard, the Mac 10 was in the grass, and I ran like a cheetah with parts of an assassin. Pick the Mac up, brothers back up the max spit levels hitting niggas one ran I made a back flip heard a few chase scream my arms shook couldn't look gave another squeeze heard it

click yo my shit is stuck try to cock it wouldn't shoot now I'm in danger finally pulled it back and saw three bullets caught up in the chamber so now I'm jetting to the building lobby and it was full of children probably couldn't see as high as I be it's like the game ain't the same got younger niggas pulling the triggers bringing fame to their name and claim some corners crews without guns the corners And broad daylight, stick up kids, they're gonna pull on us, four, fives and gauges, max is back, same nickers.