The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/24/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #10

Episode Date: September 26, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about living life to the fullest, what it was like robbing gas stations, and why he cant go back to Seattle. Joey's friend since summer school, George, calls in. Streamed Live on 09/24/2012

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I... And there to be a lot of people. Joey, you know, you're always in a good mood in the morning. What fucking mood can you be in the morning? If you're going to hit the lottery today. When I wake up on a fucking Monday, when I wake up any morning, I always think today is the fucking day.

day. Either a meteor is going to fucking hit me from Mars, one of those Joe Rogan meteors, or today's going to be the best day of my life, and I bank it's going to be the best day. Whatever the fuck of it, you know, you're alive. You're not in fucking Africa eating a fly off your fucking face. You're here, you got white people around you, black people, Puerto Ricans, some Chinese, you go to Kung Fu, you eat. It's fucking beautiful. How can you fucking lose, man? I love starting a week off. It's great. You're back to zero. You don't know what you're fucking out. Anything can happen daily. It is great. Now, is this. it different for you as a comedian because you work

during the weekend. Like for me, working a five-day weekend, having those two days off, like I feel great now. Sure you feel fucking great. But any day when you wake up in the morning, you're working, right? Yeah. What fucking five days a week? You're working. You got both your fucking legs. You got your eyes. What the fuck do we have to be sad about

or mad about it? I see people sometimes, how are you so happy in the morning? What the fuck? You hit that fucking pipe, you put on Black Sabbath, and you take your fucking chances. You go for broke that day. You get up, you put your fucking chair in mouth of the lion and you say, suck my dick, cock, sucker, we're here. That's an interesting way to think about it.

I mean, it's not interesting. It's the way you should think about it. That's what the fuck else. People get down really easily. What the fuck for? I understand this depression. You know, we had Brody on last week. Brody goes to hard things.

This kid's got the world by the fucking balls. Depression is a disease. You know, it's a... It's not even depression. It's, I mean, it's just people get sad and then, oh, they didn't get the promotion or they don't have the car. It's not your promotion. It's a bunch of fucking things that hit it once, but it's a chemical imbalance.

and he's scared of the world and you get insecure. But you know what? Fucking nobody's more insecure than I am. Nobody in the fucking world. I just close my eyes and say, fuck it. I hate needle. I hate fucking needles. I got to go to Dr. Wednesday and get a blood test.

I get my iPod. I put it on. I walk in and I look the other way like I'm getting fucking raped to some shit. And that's it. I just, you know, what are you going to fucking do? Well, that's what this podcast is about. I mean, it's a good, you've been through a lot of shit that most people haven't. Everybody goes through shit.

They just dwell on it. You just got to get up and fuck. That's it. You broke your leg, your uncle died. You know, your sister's got a missing fucking eyeball. That's great, but you still got to go to fucking a supermarket and pay for bills. You still got to move on with your life. And I understand, you know, last night I got a call about a friend of mine, a good dear friend that I grew up with.

I mean, since fucking the fifth grade, this girl. And the mother was kind of Ubots. She left when the girl was 12, and the girl was on her own. I mean, this girl is the fucking male Joey Diaz. Okay. You know, I knew her. And then we reconnected over the years, and she came to the longer show. premier with me. I mean, just

great girl. And her father died three years ago. She had been divorced twice, and she went home, and it was her and her father. And it's been her and her father, this is day, fucking one. And the father died three years ago, and about a year and a half ago, we got into an argument on the phone. I could

see that she was a little off, you know, but I prayed, I put it in God's hand, and I got a call from a different friend of mine last night saying that she's on pills, what the fuck, that I should give her a call. I was like, you know what, what can I do? out here. That's number one. Number two, it took a 40-something years to snap. She should have snapped, you know, when she was 18, but she didn't.

This girl could have done a thousand things. She could have done cornoes. She could have stripped. She could have sucked dick for a nickel behind a firehouse. She could have a thousand fucking things. This girl kept the fucking ladyhood. She kept who she was. I mean, I don't know. A lot of guys who slept with her and shit. You know, yeah, there was issues. There's always going to be issues. We all have fucking issues, but it's how you deal with him. But this chick, once your dad died, like she lost her. basic beliefs. Yeah.

You know, and she's going to drink in, and she started drinking again and snort and blow. And, you know, it was real interesting to see that when my mother died, I fell apart, you know, but I fell apart at fucking 15. Yeah. I see people now, I see how they react to death. Death is very hard. That is one of the, that divorce, it's fucking hard. It affects different people.

You know, some people suck it up and get back on the horse, but that's easy to. to fucking say. It took me six years to get back on the horse. I lived in this fantasy land for five years that this was going to happen and that was going to happen. I'm like anybody else, bro, I have dreams. We all have fucking dreams, you know? And it's funny, I snapped

out of it. And it's really funny because I started my little victim shit in 80 once my mother died. And before my mother died, I used to go to summer school, you know, I was half retarded. So one year I had to go to summer school for economics and something else. And I met this cat.

George and he was from Cliffside and we became friends and it's funny I bumped into him again in 85 and he took me into his home and that was at that point in my life I was getting my things to me my my I started realizing that you know I had a fucking sit or get on the fucking bowl that's it sit on the ball or shit whatever that expression is you know because you mind fuck yourself sometimes then one day you got to put the gun to your own head and go this is the move I got to make and I remember living with him I used to rob gas station. I used to get a job. I used to, I would get, and I wouldn't rob him with a gun.

I would sign up as an employer. Like, I want to work, I'd take a graveyard shift. Okay. And I'd get on there at 1130, and they'd tell you every thousand that you get dropped. First of all, I would go to a gas station area that was close to the bridge, the George Washington Bridge, so it was traffic. And what you do is, when they come in and buy $30 worth of gas, in those days it was $18 filled up your fucking tank. It's not now. It's 60 or 70, 80.

Yeah. What you do is you fucking just take the money instead of putting in the register. And they say that once you get to every thousand, Jersey and Oregon, they're the only two states where they pump the gas for you. Yeah. So we would pump the gas and they'd give us the money direct. There was no register in those days. You were outside slinging fucking gasoline like Mel Gibson. You know what I'm saying?

You're out there slinging it. So you just pocketed the money. And when you had a thousand bucks, you drop it. Okay. You wrote a receipt at what time you drop and you put it in this hole and you keep your bank. Your bank was like 50 bucks. What I would do is put a dollar. They wouldn't check the bank through it.

day. So the management would ask me, did you drop? And I would show them my money. I would show them the original money, but I would take the thousand, $1,200, put an envelope and put in my back pocket. Once I got four or five of those envelopes, I'd have a fucking getaway drive. I'd tell them I needed to go to a bathroom, get in the car,

boom, back into the city, pick up a bag of dope, throw away the gasoline, shirt I had fucking on, with Mel on it. So they didn't do any, like, because now they can never work. No, now it's too corporate. They would, like, just say, hey, I'm here to work, and then say, Yeah, first of all, you get a shift that nobody fucking wants, which is the midnight shift.

When you come in and go, hey, I like to work the midnight shift, I'm a student, to go, really? No shit, you just helped us because nobody wants that fucking that shit. People want to get shot on that ship. So right away, I take them off their guard. I'm in 60% because I want the hardest shift. I didn't have earrings. I didn't have tattoos. You know what I'm saying?

I didn't look like I was doing speed at the fucking time. So they'd give me the job. They wouldn't check a background checking if they did. I had a backing. I had a fucking friend, Lula Loobs, that worked at Hess. So anybody that they were fired for fire, theft, he would give me their name.

So I'd apply under the person's name, so there was always a motherfucker. Okay, so they called back, Loobes would say whoever, yeah, he got fired for theft. They got nowhere to go. You see what I'm saying, dog? Who do you think? So they think it's like a guy doing it?

Yeah. Yeah. So I did about 19 to 20 of them, and I would tell my friend, to pick me up. But I wouldn't tell him I was robbing the gas station. I just said, I'm making a drug deal. Pick me up down the corner. They'd pull up, I'd hear the fucking car. I'd say, sit still, I'm doing a drug deal. Boom, 10 minutes then I'd get in the car, and I go, step on a cock second.

And I used to do it with people or without people. Like, one time at Lombardi fucking gas station. Like, it's like out in there towards Seekwarkas. Okay. I did a gas station out there that started raining. I mean, the fucking sky came down. When I went to do the job, they put me on the afternoons to train. place was huge.

They were getting 10 cars of fucking minute. One of those gas station things. It's the last one on the turnpike and you get on the bridge on the other side because Loobbs worked out on the side where the Union City Tunnel was. There's a Hess. This is on the other fucking side of Fort Lee.

So I would fucking, one day it starts raining and I got like 3 Gs on me. He was one of the last ones I pulled. I couldn't find nobody to drive me that day. So I started fucking running, right? I see these fucking buses. They pull up there

because it's called, what is that when you parked your car, parking and right? Okay, yeah. They pulled up with their fucking cars. They pulled up with their buses. I get in the bus and also when I see the cops start looking for me. I see a bunch of cop cars looking for me and I'm in the back of the bus drenched with like fucking 3 Gs on me.

I'm just drenched. I'm like, what the fuck? What am I going to do? And I'm like, hurry up because what those do is they see these buses, they'll stop the buses and say, Oh, shit. Have you seen this kid? Fucking bus took off. Now I've got to be scared when I land in Port Authority that they're going to be waiting for me there.

Okay. When I got to part 30, there was no fucking cops. I just got out of the car. But I think the last one I did was because they fingerprinted me. Oh, okay. They just a company, they fingerprinted me. There must have been more than people doing it than you. No, I was the fucking inventor.

It wasn't like my friends with fact bagging that were going down there and everybody was big pot. So you're the Thomas Edison above? Yeah, this is a time. This is a unique scam. There was really no theft. Yeah. There was really no gun involved.

There was no note. There was not, you know, robbing a gas. States with a mask on and a fucking, you know, with a thing behind you on 7-11, they know how tall you are. There was none of that shit. You know what I'm saying? You just, this is a different angle. Okay. And there was always a coverage, you know.

And it's funny, I laugh about this 30 years later. But when George calls in a couple minutes, this is how, this is how, I remember the most important time we had was one time he picked me up and we went out into this club and to the city, he'll tell you. And the people from the arithmetic for there, the chick. Okay. And the fucking guy. Big fucking deal with you know what I'm saying? You and George happened, you started talking about how you guys met and got together. When we shot the documentary, he told a story about how you, he was, you were walking by and he was doing, like, going on.

Yeah, he was mowing along in Fort Lee, New Jersey. And he said, oh, well, let's get together and talk. And you got arrested that night. That night, I got arrested for fucking, I got arrested for fucking, I lived in Tenefflying, New Jersey, right? Okay. And I moved into a lady rented rooms, the tenants. So this is when I was living with Mr. T. Okay.

Mr. T found out that I robbed the fucking liquor store. So he's like, don't come back to you have a Cadillac, right? So I get this, I answer room for rent. Okay. In Tenafly, New Jersey, up the block from the Ten of Fly. That poor lady doesn't know what she's doing. And it was me and another Cuban dude. She had like three rooms for rent upstairs,

and all you were allowed to do is open the door and go out of your room. You weren't allowed to use the kitchen. You weren't allowed to use the garage. So basically, you know, you come into my house. She had these three bedrooms. And we had a Cuban guy and me. and some other guy. Okay.

And you were allowed to use the shower. My bedroom had a shower, so I never had to leave my bedroom. Okay. It was perfect. I paid the extra 150. It was like the master bedroom or something like that. Yeah.

So I take the fucking bedroom, and she goes, you're not allowed to go downstairs. All right, I don't need to go downstairs. But the one day as I'm walking, I see her son. Okay. She's got her son,

and the son comes over with me. What's happening? How are you doing? Thanks for, my mom says you're taking garbage out and doing extra things. Because she was an older lady. I was just helping around the house. Yeah.

So I became friends with the son. The son didn't live there. He lived, you know, he was like a college kid. I was probably 20. He was probably 22. He was a college kid in NYU or whatever. But he was making moves. This kid fucking said to me,

you want to get high? Yeah, we went into the city, got some Coke, got some reefer. And he would come over sometimes in the morning, so I didn't have to go to work until 5 in those days. I was a bartender in the Sheridan Center. So he would come over, like at one, and we'd do our thing. And I'd stay in the city. Okay.

The fucking craziest thing. One day he picks me up, right? I'm hanging out. This is like the fucking good. This is why I had to kiss a death on me. Everything I did turned to shit because we have that long. You know that you have it. So one fucking day he picks me up.

What do you want to do? Now let's go in for the city. We go into the city. But today it was a different day. He said to me, dog, I came over the other day and I bought a ring or a bracelet from a crack guy. Which in those days was very big already. Crack was starting to take over. So you'd be fucking walking and some guy come up to you sweating with a knife in his fucking neck.

Hey man. You want to buy this chain for 50 bucks, and you'd say, all I got is 13. He'd take the $13. Yeah, of course. And you'd get an 18-carried gold, beautiful fucking chain. It was amazing. It's just amazing.

Crack had turned, you know, sales. So is that what that is? Because it's like growing up in Boston, there's those people just walking around and trying to sell stuff. Yeah, trying to say, okay. And the gold, they paint them gold, and then three days later, the vows, and your neck turns fucking a weird color. You got to be careful, and you don't have your gold kid on you.

So you always want to keep the price of gold low. You always tell me got $8. What do you got to lose? That's what you spend on fucking shit every day. You give it to the girls and buy that. So I go to him, what do you want for it? Because I knew all the jewelry chains in that neighborhood. You were jewelry master by that point.

By that point, I knew exactly whether it take all the gold, you know, whether they melt it without doing paperwork or an ID. Yeah. I say to him, what do you want for it? And he goes, I don't know, 50, 60 bucks. I give them the 50, 60 bucks out of my pocket and make up some story how I, I'd say, how. I can't go right now because I got to go to work. I figured, in my greedy mind, that was going to get 80. Even if I made 20 bucks in those days, it was perfect on an angle.

I was going to get a bag of weed with. So two days later, I take the fucking jewelry into some place in New York on a rush, and the guy asked me for fucking ID. Oh, Jesus. And I go, are you serious? I knew that the kid had bought her from the crack hole, whatever the fuck. So I go, what the fuck? Here's the ID.

The guy gave me like $1.20 to sell it. So I was going to make like $60 or something like that. Next thing, you know, two days fucking later. they're knocking on my goddamn door. Jesus. Some police that was a hot chain from Jersey. He didn't fucking tell me this.

Like he stole it from his roommate's mother or something. So I go to fucking jail. That's how I got bailed out. I just remember. Oh, that's what you got arrested for? Yeah. He was hot possession of stolen property and would intent to sell.

It was like an expensive bracelet. They gave me like 120 and the 85 or something like that. But he turned it all on me. Of course. Like when the cops went to his mother's house, I was like, no, I got the jewelry from, I bought it. And they go, well, you sold it, so it's yours.

When I went to him for help, he was like, fuck you, and the mother threw me out. So that night, George not only bailed me out, but that's not, I ended up moving in with him. And then Georgia tell about the fucking stories that happened there. But it's amazing. But I want to mention something. Today's a big holiday in Cuba. Today is one of the biggest ones. Okay.

It's the 8th of September and the 24th of September. And then it's like October something. And then it's December 4th and December 17. and those are big. So I want to give a shout out to my Cubans. They probably listen to the podcast with an antenna right now

on top of a house with fucking straws and some guys got to spend a fucking metal rod. So it's like a Santeria holiday? It's a national god holiday. Okay. It's a patron saint of Cuba

about a lot by Mercedes. So I want to give a shout out to anybody who's got that shit going on. Oh, shit. And then then then your Jewish path, tomorrow's Yom Kippur? Tomorrow's Yom Kippur. So what are you doing tomorrow for Yom Kippur?

I'm working. You're not busting up the Yamika, nothing like that? I do have to get a Yamaka. You got to bust out the Yamika, put a fur on and shit, you know what I'm saying? Walking to work with a fur on and it's... Fuck it's Yom Kippur, bitch. So it's your new year tomorrow, correct? Yeah, yeah.

It's the last week there was Russia Shanna and this is Yom Kippon. It's like a week of saying you're sorry for things that you did over the past year. And it's similar to Catholic in a way because we only do it one. a year, but if we say sorry and we get forgiven, we ask for forgiveness, we're supposed to be like absolved the ball. Second chances. What'd you forgive yourself for?

For banging that hooker in Boston? You still haven't eaten no black ass, have you? No. For farting in that hooker's face? You didn't fart in no hooker's face. You got to give her the extra 20 and go looker. Let me explain something to you. I want to fuck you. What's the negotiation? At the end, you got to throw the by the way, by the way, I want to fart in your face.

I'm surprised you even ask that. I'm surprised you just don't throw an extra 20 at the end. Nah, just you gotta say it comes to you want them to inhale the fart. You don't want them to put the fart like sideways and shit. You want them to sit there and expect that. I mean, they take cum shots to the face. One of the fart shot. That's true.

I can't believe we're talking about this shit, farting in the chick's face. What's wrong with you, Lee? Get a thing. What's wrong with me? I know it's Yom Kippoor, but you're killing me because you fucking Jews love those black chicks. Oh, you fucking Jews. Anything but a Jew chick. No, you'll mess.

You'll tear up a Puerto Rican. You'll lose the will. Your father. Fuck the will. I'm eating that black fucking. fucking yonk until fucking coconuts fall out. You know what I'm saying? No, no, that's another thing I'd ask for forgiveness for for laughing at that.

Why not? You die? Come on, dog. All you fucking little filthy Jews are fucking little filthy freeze. You love stabbing and putting yarmacas and bitch his assholes and you shit to you? You're a fucking chick with your yamacca on? Tell me the truth. No!

Just balls-ass nigger, a little yammergahn. Fuck it. Sling a dick like a Jew. Fuck it. Listen to the T-shirt Slinging dick like a Jew Slinging dick like a Jew I would get my uncircised cock

And put like a gold band On it I was Jewish with a fucking Yamagong With a big gold dick Coming out of my head When I'm slinging dick like that You ever see Kentucky Fried movie No what's that

Kentucky Fried movie And the group tube See you're too young for this shit With two fucking movies that were like comedy You had like CTV guys Like Steve Martin was in it Okay Sherry Chase was in Group 2

and it's just a bunch of parodies and there's one parody and not Group 2 but Kentucky Fried move when they're in the court and they're really doing a trial and the attorney gets up and grabs a dick and puts in his head and he's like we're off him on the planet and he starts doing all this dumb shit when you're 13 and you smoke the joint between eight people

you giggle like fucking fuck for hours when you turn it back on now as an adult you're like what the fuck was I thinking that was retarded that much more back back on and get a fucking skateboard and a gallon of water and skate down the water and skate down the fucking street like the rest of these momos. Oh, Jesus, Chris.

What else, Cockwicker? We got Georgie calling up in a couple minutes. We got the Cuban holiday. Your fucking New England Patriots, those cocks suckers fell apart. But I got to tell you something. The New England secondary, they were stod. The fucking Baltimore second day was sticking.

Oh, when they were both bad last night. And it's not about... Not stinking. Sticking. I've seen him hit two fucking guys. Oh, that I don't know if you've seen it. There was one scene where fucking the quarterback who I love

of New England was down they took him down in the third quarter and when he woke up he had like six black guys around him and that's what I thought of

the defense fucking night of a thousand niggas right there because it was jibbing him and that fucking Ray Lewis he's just scary

just knowing he's on the field if I'm running the ball I might not come back with a little stab wound and my fucking back like if you play on him you got to wear

the rib guards because he's fucking stab me he's been doing it for like 15, 60s He's tough. He's fucking tough. But they were tough last night. I mean, I don't even know what the final score was.

Once I went over, I didn't watch the game. I just kept going back and forth. I called you. We ate banana broulet. Let me tell you what happened. Fucking Lee, you know, I go to Divine Wellness. Again, banged it and delivered a chocolate. Fuck banged those cock sucklers.

But I ended up getting this other shit they have, and I got a piece of pumpkin bread. Double-dosed pumpkin bread. So I went to meet Leo or Felicia's house. We were looking at some shit over there. And the next thing, you know, I eat the fucking brownie, but I get over and I start eating the pumpkin bread and Lee's walking around like,

he goes, Lee, you want to buy him? He sees the pumpkin bread. He starts sweating. If he had a Yamakana, it would have fell off from the fucking humidity from the sweat on his fucking eyebrow and shit. And he, uh, I gave him a piece the whole time.

He's like, I can't drive home. I give him the fucking piece. He eats it. He's giggling after that, like a little fucking third-year-old giggling back and forth. So I call him up later on when I get home. Lee, you get home all right?

And he says to me, I'm just sitting there and my body's tingling. I go, well, fuck it. The tingles are last. Once you see the pink parakey fly by, the tingles go away. And he's like, no, stop, but I called him back again. I didn't give him enough. He wouldn't eat it.

You should have seen him and was eating it like it was spurn. He had that look on his face like, oh, this is terrible. It was five o'clock on a Sunday. That's right. So you're high by seven and you're in bed by 10. Who's better than your uncle fucking Joey? And you're up here at 5.30 fucking doing a podcast. Who's better than you, cockle like that?

Jesus. But no, that's, for people who have problems sleeping, that stuff really does work. And it's amazing. I felt sleeping and I feel great And it's The trick is like That amount was perfect for me

Like I didn't You've given me the bang chocolate before And I've been sitting in a chair Sweating for eight hours That was a good That was a good amount I think that the main reason Why I smoked pot

If anybody Seriously all jokes aside The main reason why I liked it Because it was for a sleep factor I've always been a fucking insomnia Yeah I was telling Duncan over the weekend We're in Milwaukee there for years

I would go to Washington Square Park On Sundays That was my ritual I lived on the East Coast and I buy 8, 10 milligram Valiums for 10 bucks. Okay. And I eat one every night with a glass of Amaretto and milk when I was trying to get my life together. On nights that I didn't go out, I would do one of those.

And by 6 o'clock, by 9.30, I'm out cold. I'm drooling. I like that feeling. But with Valions, you wake up the next morning, you're all fucking hung over. I don't like that feeling. Yeah. So with edibles, you will, if you consume fucking a half a loaf of banana bread, you will wake up hung over for a fucking week.

No, yeah, I don't, from the little bit I had, but I kept listening. I heard the Yoshi story a couple weeks ago on a different podcast. The amount he had, he must have... No, he had a slice. You know, he had a slice put together, but Yoshi also weighs a buck 60 and he doesn't smoke wheat. Yeah. At least you get high from time to time.

We give you an edible. We break it down. But you know, listen, man, there's a lot of people who misuse marijuana or whatever. I was one of, I don't fucking know. I will tell you the awesome facts. I'm not going to sit here and tell you Betsy Ross and the flag and all that shit. shit because that's not my fucking style but if you have insomnia

and I tell you all the time when you get home from a job let's say you work nights when you get home you're fucking wide yeah I don't know if I crack a joke and I get off stage at 1030 at 11 30 my mind is running it's like doing 15 fucking alpha brains and putting a stick of meth up your asshole I'm on fire like Madonna in 84

but when I get home you know usually I unwind a little bit I take two hits off a fucking number and you sit on the couch and I'll tell you 30 35 minutes in you relax and that's the whole thing about it. Yeah. You know, for years we were talking when you ever see you watch old TV? Yeah. You walk into somebody's house. What are they doing? Old

TV? They turn around, they make a drink. Fuck you take ice cubes off the rack. They put them in there and they hand you a drink. That's how people relax, you know. Everybody has a different way of relaxing. Some women go home drink a glass of wine, take a bubble bag, whatever the fuck it is, you know. For me, it's coming home and I read.

I read something completely different. No comedy, no nothing. Some completely fucking different. One of these fucking dumb books I have here, I read a chapter of. I relax. the Mike Dolce Living Lean book, which is a fucking great book, guys. If you're trying to get healthy and you don't have the Mike Doce Living Lean book,

listen, I don't eat the fucking recipes he's gotten there, a lot of them. Like, I like the turkey spaghetti. I love the fucking chili. The breakfast bowl I try for the first time. I love his fucking tuna, this chicken salad. You put avocado, it's to mayonnaise. I love that shit. Yeah, with wheat bread, it's delicious. But like

the kale shakes and all that shit, I can't. I'm not a big fucking green guy. I like lettuce, tomato onions, a little, you know, I'd say, lettuce, tomato, what else? Anything else? A little bit of avocado, apparently? Yeah, avocado.

Like, Cubans make a nice avocado salad. They put avocado nice, they cut up because Cuban fucking avocados are big. Okay. They look like my fucking head. When you go to Miami, they're big. Out here, these little fucking, you know, little fucking avocados and shit,

they got HIV. They're all-corpsin and shit. The fucking big avocados in fucking New York and in Miami. And you slice those and you put onions on them. raw onions and you put a little fucking vinegar and oil with some pepper you chop that motherfucker up with your rice and beans and your fried bananas stop it bitches eating like a doctor

rice and beans is as good as you fucking get it's great that's why these mexicans jump up and fucking down all day they got energy they mow lawn because they eat carbs right in the morning you got a nice little plate of rice and beans well i lived in bold it was a place called the harvest it was an all natural restaurant okay they used to have a switch granola for breakfast that would make your asshole tingle it was like frozen vanilla yogurt with fucking with granola and then fruit. They give you bananas, cherries, strawberry, fucking deliciously,

and they give you a whole wheat toast with this churn butter. And I get the harvest blend tea. It was cinnamony, but they had speed in it. The same speed they give those fucking Yahoo's on Breaking Bad, right? And the next thing you fucking know, dog, they cancel the fucking tea in Boulder, and people wrote a petition. But this place was like a strictly vegan place

where people had armpits now when you walk in. Their feet fucking stunk from the veganist or whatever the fuck it is. We got a call coming. Oh, shit. Let's do this. What's up, buddy? Yo, who's this?

This is my brother, a little Georgie, the framer. George, the Framer. What's up, baby? You sound fucking delicious. When I called you before, you sounded like you got in the head with 20 fucking hammers. What happened last night?

I'm a little raw, bro. Did you go out and get down last night? Yeah, it was beautiful. What time to stay out to? I'm telling you, you're fucking, when George puts his white shoes on, nobody could deal with him. You understand me?

nobody, not even Sinatra could suck his dick. George, we're just talking about how long I've known you since 19 fucking 80s summer school. That's 32 fucking years. They used to have the little freaky girlfriend. We'd smoke pot before summer school. I think that when I met you, what was a sophomore year

freshman year? Before that. I think someone sent you to attack me because I was selling those pin joints with two seeds and a stem. Oh, man, but they went for a dollar. That was such a lucrative business in the early 80s. You just sold joints. Okay.

People sold joints. For a dollar. A dollar. You bought a fucking bag of weed for $25 bucks, a half ounce. If you wrote 35 fucking joints, you made $10. So, you know, you got to smoke a couple joints, and you made a couple bucks in high school. They were all intrapenoisse, you know what I'm saying?

I was from North Bergen. George is from Cliffside, and we, I was telling the story when you bailed me out, and I went to your house that night that was like six months of fucking pandemonia at your house after that. Where's your grandmother? She's sleeping that dirty animal? No, she's sleeping right now

She's rubbing the feet and shit She's mumbling something I don't understand That she said George, what about when we went And you drove me to rob that dude's house And he had a ball of Don Paranyan In the house

And we went back That was my roommate Remember you pat my roommate When you first came in Right but not at the house I remember you didn't like him You didn't like him For some reason

He was his comeback So you showed me where he had He was a big time fucking in Primadonna from Middle New Jersey. He listened to Springsteen. He could suck my dick. I remember he had curly hair, and he thought he was fucking like God's gift. And we lit that motherfucker up.

I think he was the original or Jew. Yeah, he was the original Army to Jew. That was his night. I can't believe I robbed the Jew. But what are they going to do sometimes? Sometimes I get cocky. I robbed his car stereo in a box, and he had a, let me tell you how strength might,

he had a tax return check. And in those days, I had that kind of juice. In those days, I could cash any fucking check. for a percentage. You know, they have check cash in now, those stores. I can cash any check for a fucking percentage. We went, we banged that. That was our first fucking, we split a hundred a piece,

and we may believe we're listening to the stereo together or some shit. Then you drove me down to that fucking scum. An alpine stereo. But then you drove me to that scumbags house. I used to work construction for this guy. And he would take advantage of me. Like, fucking wouldn't pay me for windshield time. Like he said, meet me at 8.30.

I met him at 8.30. Even though he talked to 10, he would, pay me for the first hour and a hat. Oh shit. Real fucking scumb bag. I forget what his name was. Remember he had those shirts, George? He used to make me wear like a construction shirt. I don't even remember his name. But you know, and I do the same thing when I hire people now.

JFL construction assumption. Fuck either. No, let them drink. You're drinking coffee. I can't pay. So I went to his house from there, broken through the fucking back door. I took a check and I took fucking some cash he had. But he had a ball of Domperian. And we took a magnum of Don Perignon, which in those days were like a buck 30. Okay. And we took it to his grandma's house, me him and his grandma drank the fucking soldiers.

And then we went to picolissimo for lobster fraud Diablo. And we had a great time with grandma. But yesterday I was thinking about the greatest. My grandma still talks about that. Fuck yeah, 30 years later. But the greatest heist I ever did the choice. I can't understand, but I know she had a good time. One afternoon, I'm living with George in 94.

I'm an open my comic. I'm selling cars in the city. I'm sending child support home. I'm trying to snort coke. And me and George are fucking living in the back room of his grandmother's, like two bums on the fucking fifth, you know? Okay. I would depend on George.

George would depend on me. George was doing his thing in those days, and I was doing mine. So one day George is fucking napping, and I see the lady upstairs is barbecue in the backyard with her kids. I said, leave the door open. I go upstairs and I open the door and right there is a purse with like a fucking envelope sticking

out, right? I take the envelope up and I go downstairs, I open it's 800 bucks or something, right? I take it, I hide it downstairs in the basement because I know she's going to find out. Meanwhile, George is sleeping. Right? She goes upstairs, realizes the thing is missing, calls the cops and they blame it on George and I'm

sitting there, sitting there watching TV, make him believe I don't know fucking nothing. George is like you. I, aye, aye, aye, I'm stuttering, mumbling, and fucking George knew I clipped it. He fucking knew I was evil, but he's a soldier. He could have gave me up, but he gave him nothing, and he told me nothing. Tell him, George. Bullshit, you denied it until like two years ago.

What are you talking about? I had to come down. I'm like, I don't know what happened. I was sweet. My grandmother, my mother, they all swore. I never left the couch. Look at the ass-stained on the fucking, from the sweat. He never left. Yeah, that lady, uh, I think I think she became sad of paying on a song I think she ran for a fucking conglary

Oh that lady was a dirty fucking bitch She was ugly She was a filthy fuck And you had the chick on the third floor I robbed the credit cards The big tits And I asked her to come on her tities one day She nearly fucking had a heart attack

She caught me on the tail end of an all night fucking coke binge And I asked I said listen Doug You got to me a fair You got show me those fucking titties We were outside She just looked at me and turned red Her boyfriend was the landlord

You know which one I'm talking about right In 85 She lived on the third floor She was a young girl with big tits She used to talk to your grandma all the time Kind of not a nice face I don't know She didn't have a nice nice face

But the body was banging big juicy fucking tities Like the ones the chick had in 48 hours You know what I'm saying? I don't know what her fucking name was They clicked up for like six credit cards I kept using them and putting them back I remember you asked me about it, George You asked me about it years later

I got at the wedding You're like, dog Were you taking the credit cards That girl's apartment? I'm like, fuck, no I don't even know what you're talking about So you were taking the credit card Because I was taking those pitties

She had a desk upstairs She had a desk upstairs Her and her boyfriend had a desk upstairs I would break in, take the card Go use it and put it back in the fucking desk Oh Jesus Christ They couldn't figure out They couldn't figure out how I was doing it

I was going on Anderson Avenue And eating lunch at Willie Yu Shanghai Palace Are you getting those lobster egg rolls or whatever? No, that was Billy Hungs in the fucking city. This is Willie used Shanghai Pallets and Clipside. Not fucking bad. But George and I even went, George, tell him about Colorado. What happened in Colorado?

Oh, fuck. Well, Colorado we went, I planned his big trip. I was working at some frame place. I'm a big trip. I'm going to visit Cocoa and Ashton, a snowmast. And then for one air, I was going to Scottsdale, Arizona to see a girl I used to be in high school. so I go out to Colorado as soon as he picks me up

Big Rock We drive this long How far was the airport The airport? It was like an hour Yeah And nothing going through the The farm lands I remember looking out

And seeing cows for like the first time Stone was a stone to the hill I was on those big dogs Now you visit me In Aspen And then you visited me in Boulder I moved to But this was my first thing.

So he's house-sitting in this huge, huge house, and he has this little carriage house that he's supposed to live in. But, of course, he's living in the big house. Five bedrooms, jacuzis. It puts me in this room. It's like all glass. You got to view of the Rocky Mountains. Fucking amazing.

In those days, you took Riefer, you took the Coke, you put bacon soda, you put in a microwave oven for 20 fucking seconds. Once you heard, bing, it was over. You took that fucking thing out. A rock came out. You crushed it up and you put in your joint. You rolled up the joint. You took the lighter.

You crispy that motherfucking coke rocked into the thing. I remember one night I smoked so much that shit. I melted a bong. Like the bonged melted. My wife, my girlfriend at the time, gave me a rubber bong, like a plastic bong. And I ran out of rolling papers. So I put the bazookas in the riefer in the fucking bong, and the bong melted. It collapsed like the world trade center.

Just one smoking so much? Yeah, one fucking. And I was also growing weed And I smoked the fucking premature weed Because I ran out of the world police I was a junkie from the fucking Gord Go Those bazookers have to say the thing What's the same thing?

Francis Scott Key was smoking when he was at Purple Mountains, majesty and shit You'd stand there and just look at the mountains And freaking It was amazing Yeah, and I went to that, then I did Then I split Then he was only there for a vacation

You met Carl, you got the chance to me car you got to see how we would do it up there then George came back to Boulder and that was completely fucking different George came back in September of 87 I got in trouble kidnapping Vela November of 87 so George was there for the whole newspaper article Drop it George what do you remember from that? I remember landing in Colorado I was about to become a cop believe it or not fall in 80 he was a cop so he's like what are you going to do with yourself at the goal of test

I went, took him vodka all night. I scored like six out of 100. So I would think I was ready for my psych test. And I said, you know, Dad, I think I'm going to Colorado. So I'm going to go. I said, you know I can't become a cop. Look at me. Look at me.

What am I going to go? So I broke his heart. I went out to Colorado with my little giant t-shirt on it. We just won the Super Bowl. Land in Denver, who we just defeated. And from there, It's a blur He picked me up there

I started working with him That Boulder Chrysler Plymouth And what was the other place? Hollister, fucking Boulder Chrysler Plymouth Hollister Dodge Boulder Chrysler Plymouth George was renting our cars

The strippers and shit With fucking license plates It makes me the detail guy It was a detailed guy And charge of all the car keys For the whole lot Are you kidding me? So he's got a demo

filled with quarters Don't you see the whole thing? The whole dashboard, the glove compartment, because he's tapped into the soda machine, like, three times a week. I had the master keys to the soda machine, and this dumb soda guy was taking quarters, counting the quarters and putting paper in there, like paper money. Yeah. So all I had to do was open up the machine, and the change thing, there'd be $200 in singles. So I'd take, like, a $50 for breakfast. I mean, it was our own personal ATM machine.

That's what we call it, an ATM machine. You just had to be there. But the funniest thing, there was a guy named Rob Dando, that used to snort Coke and sell cars. And every time he'd get on the roll, I'd steal his red pen. And he couldn't sell a car without his red pen. They used to hide him in the drop ceiling. But he used to sell Coke, and he had a wife.

He's on Facebook. I just talked him on Facebook a couple weeks ago, and he put, I knew this man when he was a car salesman. He used to hide his Coke in those ceilings. And I'd go early, when service were open, I take the Coke out, put like aspirins in there, and then just take the Coke, and I'd go back home and we'd do a couple more lines

before we get the Hollis the Dodge Climman. What do you remember the kidnapping? He was from New York. Yes. Rob Dando was like from Syracuse or something. Syracuse. He was from back east and thought he was all bad over there because he was from Syracuse. Yeah, but we were from North Bergen. We were from Hudson County. We fucking stole his lunch.

Remember Ardy Presler was the Coke dealer? He was the sales manager. He was the Coke dealer. It was four salesmen. All of us were high all fucking day. Everybody was front and Coke. There was Vietnam Vets there. Dale Jones. Hamburger Hill. Dale Jones.

You had the other guy who was out of jail. That was a real good car salesman. Who was that one? Oh, the bank robber. That used to pick us up in the morning. He looked like Charles Manson. Yeah, that guy. Yeah, he was a bank robber.

He worked there with us too. He had just gotten out of prison. He was in the halfway house. Like a little while before me. Chuck, Chuck. And it was a nice lady. There was a nice, nice quiet lady. The older lady that would pick us up.

Yeah, she would pick us up. You always late in the mornings and she. shit. Didn't you say that bankrupted with Robbanks on his lunch? No, this is a different one. That was Carlos Roberti from Boston. This is a real bank robber that sold cars with us over there. He was an older guy. He looked like Charles Manson.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he had glances like he was in a concentration camp. Yeah, he had... Wired round glass. He was a scary. Yeah, he was a scary motherfucker, though. This was amazing. This was... And then we looked up with that fucking moron, that half a son's anarchy,

Tidwell. It did well, yeah And Vela Before that I was I was the first time I drove in the snow out there

I could two feet of snow So I was taking Like guide all the keys One day I would take a ram truck Four by four In those giant Ninety-six Riggin'

How big with those trucks Those ram Fucking huge In those guys Oh I was taking one So I took about two I think we had two cars

At the house One around the corner One in the driveway and then the general manager wanted to give me a ride home or something one day. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, I'll take the bus. He said, no, no, no, you did a good job today. I'll take you home.

I had two cars. I had to have him drop me off on the corner and I ran. That weekend I got popped, right? Yeah, because the bank would come to do an inventory check. This guy had fucking 10 cars. He had the license plate to his house. What do you remember of the kidnapping, George, real quick here? Kidnapping, I remember, it was a slam dunk.

It was an easy, easy, easy thing to do if we did it right the right way. And what happened was, it just didn't work out. You knew it was there, you had the keys, the guy was a moron, and it just didn't work that week. Something happened. So then it went into the next week. And by that next week, I pulled out. I said, listen, I don't know about this.

I didn't believe he was going to have as much as it was supposed to be there. So Tidwell got involved. And once I met this guy, oh, my God, I was scared shit. I mean, he was a moron with guns. He was a moron. That's the only this wrong. He was a beautiful dancer. He actually looked like that guy already.

Yeah, but you know what's funny about that? Listen to this. He lived with a dancer. He tried to be Captain Save a Host. So he brought the chick to live with him, right? The chick was married. This is why he was robbing this thing with me. A lot of people don't remember this, Joyce.

He told me that she was a nude stripper on a hundred and Thornton. She was fucking beautiful. She danced nude with a pussy out, the clit, the whole fucking thing. You weren't allowed to drink in those places. You're allowed to bring bottles in. So what he would do is she was married. She told him that she would sleep with him once he paid for her divorce because she was Catholic.

She couldn't cheat on her. husband. She's dancing naked. She's putting your clit in your fucking face for a dollar. But meanwhile, he bought into it. So his motivation of this whole thing was to rob something to end up with this girl. The poor guy had a pit bull, a car with stereos,

tattoos, a car with tinted windows, a motorcycle. He had every, he had the whole, I need the attention for package. The earring, the tattoos, the fucking car with the tinted windows. He had the Harley. He knew this guy. He knew Hell's Angels. He knew

every strip club, but the guy was a fucking dunce. He was a fucking dunce, the guy. But you know what I remember? After the kidnapping went a raw, you and I was sitting on the couch and I just thought about this the other day. He came back. He said he wanted to rob a different guy. Do you remember that? Vela was still tied up at his fucking mother's house. And this guy

is looking to rob something else after he already fucked me and I fucked him. He comes over. And I remember getting into an argument with him and he fucking left. And he ended up. And he ended up getting busted with Tidwell in the trunk of the fuck with Vela in the trunk of the car and he was driving without his lights on

dumping him off, right? He was dumping them off at the bus station to tell him to go to Arizona. He was going to put him on a bus to Arizona like this is going to work. And I'll tell you what the weird thing was. You know that Vela didn't wrap me out, right? It was Tidwell. Oh, really? Yeah, Vela never mentioned my fucking name. Years later he never said nothing. He said that he had been robbed. It was Tidwell,

the fucking biker that knew everybody that was a fucking son's anarchy part-time. He got caught with his hands in the cookie jar. He got caught. He got 10 fucking years. I tell you, I knew he was a rat. When I got sentenced, he was a trustee. He was on parole when he did that.

Plus, it was a violent crime. He's walking around with a white suit on telling people he's a fucking hell's angel. I'm like, no, you're that, dog. You're a fucking trustee who ratted me the fuck out. Yeah. George, I love you, cocksucker. I'm happy you called today. You're a bad motherfucker.

I want you to call more often because you know all about these fucking stories and shit so you got to call you were there you've seen the transformation we were together when I started comedy in 94 also George don't remember he with his head was in a different place but he was he was my initial fucking joke writer you know what I'm saying

he was the original man I would take him into the city he told me he was going to get a pack of cigarettes and he disappeared he'd say give me fucking 20 bucks for cigarettes and he disappeared you know what I'm saying George had an agenda in those days I love you Cox Sucka, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell your grandma, I love you, and we'll talk in an hour, so I'm happy you called in today. I love you, too. Lee, take care. Great job with everything, man. And it's not Lee, it's the flying Jew, dog. Lee is his street name. His handle on fucking the thing is the flying Jew. Get it together, Cox, Luck.

I love you. Stay black. Every once in a while I've got to bring those crazy motherfuckers out. Yeah. What's up? I want to go around and, I don't know, the document, whatever. I just want to talk to the people you worked for and just see what they remember. just about like just because the way you describe it is every job and every place you lived and everyone like just i can't imagine what it was like to from their side and then this guy came in and all of a sudden i had six credit cards and they were all maxed out and it wasn't even taken out of my bedroom dog i was a fucking one man crime machine i don't even understand i'm not proud of it today i sit here sometimes i was a 24-7 criminal yeah

You know, when you're a comedian, you're always looking at the world through different eyes and whatnot. It's very easy for me because when I was a criminal, I looked at the world as a, it's a cash register. Yeah. You're always looking. Your eyes are always looking. When I lived in Clifside, I would wake up in the morning. Some days I woke up without a dollar in my fucking pocket. And I used to go to this Chinese restaurant called the Enchanted Lily. Fucking tremendous.

They never had enough Chinese people around. You're not going to believe this. I would eat lunch and I would go to the room. register and under the register they have a deposit bag. I would slip it open to take like a 50 or 100. I'd pay for a lunch with their fucking money. Walk over

the fucking bridge, you know, buy a bag of wheat refra, get Cuban food, whatever the fuck I was doing that day. And I'd go from, I'd walk from 176 Street to like 100 street, you know, just walking with a fucking Walkman on, thinking, plotting crimes. Then I go to work at 5,

and I'd start all over again. You know, and I would keep a job to maintain some type of whatever. Structure, but I was always on the make. I mean, I was a fucking puke. I would dress up in a suit and go into office buildings and make believe I was selling phones or something, whatever. Okay.

But the meantime, I'm looking for fucking deposit boxes and open safe, a purse. You know, I mean, that was my head at that time. I was confused. I didn't know. I was 21 years old. I was waiting on a settlement. Me and Cy Lawrence had robbed a, had fucking done. an insurance scam, and I was waiting for this fucking money to come in.

And once it came in, I just wanted out of North Bergen. I thought that, you know, I thought that if I would leave New Jersey, my life would get better. No, I took my fucking magic life to Colorado. And people always say to me, well, let you come back to Colorado? You know, I paid my debt to society in Colorado. I went to prison. I did my time. But I always tell people that I fuck Colorado.

You know, Colorado is not New York or L.A. or Chicago or some fucking hell of whole city. it's this beautiful piece of God's fucking country and I went to Boulder that was a fucking virgin land for me I don't know when Rogan moved back from Boulder he looked at me one day he goes I look around Boldin I think of you it was like you were like a kid in the fucking candy store

Yeah you know I remember first getting the Boulder And they were the Pearl Street Mall And they had this cookie company there on the corner there Okay And dog I had $10,000 in the bank And I had $3,000 at the house And I was walking around with my two and I had the credit cards that were stolen

that I would hide in the weeds by my house so if the cops came in they couldn't find them and I would go to the weeds and use the credit card but this is how demented my need for action was I broke into like what they'll call those Annie Bees cookies that you've seen them all they have like a little hut

like I broke into a fucking cookie store I was just thinking about I broke into a cookie store for like $37 it wasn't about the money at that time but you basically did it from 18 to 30 something 20 something But at that age I was 21.

That's not the point. The point was Lee that I was fucking, I didn't need to do this shit. Okay. But I was such a junkie for action. I loved action. I was fucking in the heat. You ever watch the movie, Heat? Yeah.

At the end, they're all sitting there and thinking about leaving. And De Niro says to Danny Trejo and Val Kilmer, and who's the other guy that was a junkie? I don't remember right. He says to him, you know, we could all break this up. And we're all financially. He tells us the guy that he was on celebrity rehab. He was married to the fucking madam, and he went out, he was like a great actor. He says to him, your wife takes care of you got tea bills.

You don't need this. And he looks, he thinks, and he goes, for me, it's not the fucking money. It's the action. Yeah. The action is the fucking juice. That's the juice. That's how my man, you know, I always wanted to be doing something. I always wanted to be doing something.

I'm breaking into a coffee thing, a cookie place for $30, fucking $7. I mean, are you fucking getting me and walk? I had this Chinese roommate and this little white goofy fuck that were like exchange students. And they were playing the air guitars. They were fucking goofy as shit. And some Mexican kid moved in. It was like a student house on the hill in Boulder. 10, 12, 14th Street.

I still remember the fucking thing. And this Mexican kid moved in. He'd always break my balls about smoking pot in my room. Okay. You know, in those days I would just lay in my room and listen to fucking rat invasion of your privacy. and I was a kid that had fucking problems and he would keep knocking on my door saying, hey, you know, stop smoking pot,

we're all going to go to jail. I'm like, get the fuck out of my face. But one day, our rooms were connected, there was a door, and he would keep his locked and that would keep mine locked. Okay. And one day I seen him where he was hiding his money. Oh, Jesus.

He said, chimp change, you know? And I said, fuck this motherfucker, just to show him, not to fuck with me. I took his $100. I'll never forget him asking me for the money back going, I know it was you. He goes, I worked under the sun all day for that money. I'm like, it wasn't me, dog.

I hated my three roommates. The Chinese guy would give him 20 a day, and he cooked for me. He would go to alfalfa by meat and cook healthy for me. I was on a fucking dare in Boulder. But that's why I don't go back, Lee, because I was a 24-hour. From there, the cops were looking for me. I went to San Francisco. In San Francisco, I dropped fucking, you know, it was three months of fucking crime

where I was trading in fucking travelers' checks and hanging out with these Cuban represents. refugees, you know, the night stalker was killing people in San Francisco, and that was around. Then I went back to ass to snowmast villages, and I continued my drug thing. It was a constant way of living for me, and now I wake up in the morning, I think of where am I going to get on stage? You know, that's how I replaced it. Yeah. You know, it's so weird that I got into comedy by mistake, like this week's testicle testaments about comedy.

And how when I first got into comedy, the first six or seven years, I was still living on a fucking prayer. Yeah. And I kept saying to myself, I'm going to go to jail. I'm not going to be able to do fucking comedy. And how comedy won. Comedy won. You know, by the time I, you know, even in Seattle, I was doing some kinky shit.

We had Josh Wolf on Beauty and the Beast a couple weeks ago. We were talking about the time. We were taking bets. I was taking bets with Josh Wolf. I would tell people that was going to put the bet in for them. Yeah. So what I would do is you call me and say, New England plus the seven tonight.

And I would say, yeah, and I'd sit on it. So you would say, call me back and let me know you got it in. I would never call you back. Okay. I wouldn't call you back. I'd say I got caught doing comedy. I was in a car. In those days, they weren't cell phones yet.

Okay. Everybody had a cell phone. We were living in Seattle, so I wouldn't call you back. You obviously lose. So I would just take your money. This guy lost three weeks in a row, $900, $900. And one day he comes up and he's like, dog, you're not fucking, you're not going to pay you. I'm not going to get this guy a beating on the middle of fucking street.

He didn't want to pay my money. He didn't want to pay me like half. But I was sitting on bets. Here I am. I was waiting on him because I needed that money to be gas money for my trip to fucking whatever part of Washington I was going to. Okay. You follow me?

I got arrested six times in fucking Seattle. That's why I can't go there with Rogan. People are you coming to Seattle? First of all, I can't go there because I got a warrant. Number two, I'm done with fucking Seattle. With the fucking rain. I love you, motherfuckers. I love sound card.

But it's a fucking nightmare. You're going to Seattle Lee? It's three fucking weeks of rain and the fucking row. You want to fucking shoot yourself. At least when you go to that... But one thing I had about Seattle is that at least it's fucking rains. In New York, it just stays cloudy for fucking four years. You're like either still get off the fucking podcast, something,

but in Seattle, it rains for three fucking weeks straight old rain. So I don't know if I can go back, but that's a fucking cop state. Why would I want to fucking go back? I got arrested five fucking times in one year. Those motherfuckers started with a jaywalking ticket. A fucking jaywalking ticket. And they arrested you? Yeah, no, I didn't show up for court because I couldn't believe they even gave me a fucking jaywalking ticket.

And they came and got me out of bed and put those rubber fucking handcuffs on me and shit. Over a fucking jaywalking ticket. Who needs that shit in their life? It's a police day. You got to sit there. First, they have a thing under investigation. We got to sit there for 72 fucking hours until they make up their fucking mind.

So if you get bused on a Friday, guess what, bitch? That's a long weekend without no George Washington, Howie on the day on Monday. You're going to sit there all week without no fucking goo in your head. Your Brett smells like shit. Your asshole, you're scared the fucking shit. You know, you go to county jail for a weekend. No.

It's a fucking nightmare. Black guys coming in there, staff. Like, I told Brooke Christa, if you think fucking black people talking a movie theater, go to county jail. Black people don't shut the fuck up in those fucking jails. They talk all night. It's a fucking party.

You got to go to, you wake up in the morning, your ears are fucking swollen from people talking all fucking night about nothing. About fucking nothing. So I love Seattle. I love the salmon, sound garden, all that shit. I ain't going back until they drop that fucking warrant.

20 years later, they still got a warrant for me for fucking failure to go to anger management class. You know what I mean? Anger fucking management. $20, $40 every Saturday. That's my fucking cocaine money. I'm already pissed when I would go to a fucking anger management class is Saturday at 9 a.m.

Suck my fucking. my fucking dick. I'm going to get up at 9 o'clock and go sit with eight momos and talk about anger. Ang is being here. That's anger. I got to give you 40. That takes 40 out of my snorting fucking money. So it was either snorting or anger management.

I went with the fucking snorting. That's hilarious. I never asked what the warrant was... Yeah. So fucking failure to do a fucking program, anger management. Because I got into a fight at the fucking thing and I pulled that fucking stripper's hair to. So they fucking... They put me in Charlie Cheese Group with some fucking fat fucking dude.

dude up there. Anger who would ask me questions about anger and all this. I don't know nothing about anger. Somebody calls you a cock, something you smack them. That's it. That ain't anger. That's protection, you fuck. Oh, God. Thank God. You didn't go to those class. Today, I'm thinking about going and buying a fucking Hyundai Sonata. Oh, I taste it over one of those. Do you like it?

I like it. I like it. It's either that or a Honda, but I've seen a sonata, and I was going to get a fucking use them, because you always want a two-year depreciation one, so somebody else eats it, so if I'm looking at a 21-12, maybe a 2-12. They got a couple of 2-11s for 19 grand. So, because I just, I have a used car. So if you buy a two-year-old car, like the depreciation is the most, is the biggest in those first two years?

Yes. So you'll still make, if you try to sell it back, you'll make more of your money back. Well, you don't make dick. A car is a depreciation. Like Abe Lincoln says, you invest in what appreciates, not the pre-that's why you always lease a fucking car because you get more, you pay the taxes. Your insurance is a little fucking high, but you have the leased in it, and you get a new car every three years.

Who wants to fucking invest in something? It's a fucking money pay the car. Yeah, and you know the fucking deal. Yeah, it's got a $3.36,000-mile warranty. Once the fucking $36,000 mile warranty, the shit starts breaking down. So you really don't want a car after fucking three years. As a fucking ex-car salesman, I'm telling you, you want to move around every three years. Ford came back with the plan 20 years ago.

It was a three-year-fucking lease. People loved it. A two-fucking-year lease. I'm looking, like I told my wife, my wife likes the Sonata. Okay. We test the Alante, whatever, the one underneath. Alontera. And the Sonata, you know me, I'm a fucking Cuban Jew.

I want the little car. I don't give a fuck. You know, because the big of the car, I got a bad right eye. So all my cars, I hit shit with the right side. Every time you see me, I got a dent on the fucking right side. I got a fucked up the light. Always, because my right fucking vision, no patois. You follow me?

So I need a small fucking car. Look at my car. I got more. I drive by sound. You know, I don't give a fuck. You know what? My guy goes beautiful. My insurance is clean.

Knock out fucking wood. I'm not going to kid your butt. you know, I got to get a car today. So if anybody has a Hyundai dealer, hit me up, Copsuckers. We'll do a deal today in L.A. Or if you got a Honda dealer, Toyota, I don't mind.

I got this guy ahead, Jeff LaBreck. He used to run fucking, the place on Longmont where I used to know Marty Sadlow, Longmont Honda, whatever fuck it is. And I heard he's out here running 10 things. I know the spetting boys are down here.

My man is down and fucking, but I don't want to go that far. I want to buy a car in the neighborhood because then if you bring it back to service, they all get pissed. Lee, Lee, Lee. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

What's up, you bad motherfuckin' Jew? How are you doing today? You're still stoned from that fucking banana bread. Look at you. Oh, Jesus. But, yeah, it's up great. But, yeah, I felt it. It's like within 20 minutes.

And I just, I know. Lisa, I got the tingles. When do they go away when you see the pink parakeets cock? It takes about an hour and a half. And it just, for people who haven't done animals, it's a fucking. It's a ride. It's a ride. You don't know when it's, like my girl, Stacy says, how's that edible?

whatever the fuck it's non-it it doesn't end no it doesn't sometimes it doesn't end but you were tingling and I like that you're bang one out

and you bang one out with the size your little knack with a feather that's how you call asleep with a feather you whack off and clean your hands

and you just laying it like a soldier fucking part of the fantasy I'm not gonna get up at two in the morning so you just bang one out on the side rub it into the blanket

and fuck it do what you need to do well it sucks about bang one out of bed now you gotta get up and take a piss because you've got to clean out the tube

That always sucks, so you might as well come in the fucking toilet. Do what I do. I got the tunnel. So I just put my finger on the tunnel. Let it swell up like an anaconda. And I just go to the toilet, boop. And it comes out of a fucking shot. It goes in their fucking heart almost sinks the ship.

We got a big fucking week this week. We got testicle testaments Wednesday night. We got Baltimore Comedy Factory. Tickets are going fast. Get there. Get some tickets. I can't wait to go to Baltimore. I'm going to fucking smoke some crack.

Fuck it. The streets are homicide. I'm going to smoke some fucking crack. You know, I was hooked on crack for like three months ago. Jesus, I didn't know that. Yeah, like in 99 or 98, I got, because I used to drive home on Selma from the comedy store at nights. And there were these two little fucking yams that was sitting in the corner. And one night, I thought they had coke. So I went over, I go, what he got? He goes, rock. I said, give me a fucking 20. He gave me a fucking bowl of the size of my head.

And I go home, I tried to snort it. And my nose almost blew up. And I told something, they thought, like, that's crack. So if I couldn't get Coke, I would stop by there and hit the fucking can. That's cheaper than Coke, right? Yeah, you get a lot more and you get this accelerated high. And I was fucking crazy. My fingertips were fucking black and shit. Oh, Jesus.

And my wife would smell it, and she'd go, what's that? And I'd go, I don't know, something in the weed. I would smoke it at night. And I went to El Paso, Texas. That's why I broke the habit. I had to go for two weeks over the holidays one year. And that's why I broke the crack habit. But I was uncracked for three fucking months, man.

Oh, geez. I didn't get skinny. Obviously, it didn't fucking work for me. It's back at 98. Nothing happened. If anything, I gained fucking weight. You know what I'm saying? I was the only fucking fat coat guy. I can't believe I'm going on five years.

Part of all this that we're doing lately is the tail end. So thank you, Lee, for believing me. It's tough to do business with an ex-junkie. A lot of people don't like it. No, it's a great. I got a lot out of it. So it's going to be five years this November 15, November 7th, over that fucking Superbad.

It was because of Superbad, the cat. I made a problem. and no rehabs, no hugs, just I just knew I had to do it. Yeah, and you said, I think it was on the podcast, actually. You said, like, you don't think, like, even if, like, you don't have the urges or anything anymore. Like, you don't think you could do it.

I don't think you could do it. I don't think I'd die on the spot. I made a promise to a lot of me to say that. You know, I made a promise to everybody who was watching me. You know, since I've been a little kid, when my father died, my mom always said that my dad would look over me. You know, he would look over me, and I made promises. And I, you know, the biggest promise you can make us to yourself from time in this life.

So if you're having a hard time, you make a promise, a man promise to yourself, and things work out. You stick to it sometimes because you don't, you know, when I got out of the halfway house, 97, my wife at the time had a baby, and I couldn't stop snort and coke. I took back in mind. A lot of people go, I'm having a kid. My life's going to change. Nothing's going to change unless you fucking want it. Yeah. And I remember looking at the kid all coked up and going, she's not helping me stop this.

Like, she's supposed to help me stop this. And even the kid, even the threat of going back to prison at that time, because if you piss hot, that's why I, I was putting drain on my dick. If you're pissed hot, if you're pissed hot, you go back to jail. You know, even the thought of all those things didn't stop me. And one day a fucking cat almost dying in my house, I made a promise, and here I am. Five years later. Sometimes a promise is all you need to yourself.

Guys, it's fucking Monday. I'm hoping you're having a great week. This is a fucked up podcast today. We started with no direction. But listen, like I said, we got a great big week this week. We got Testicle Testaments Wednesday night at the Ice House. I'm doing it on comedy. 626-577 1894

And then Thursday Friday Saturday I'm at the Baltimore Comedy Factory In Baltimore, I don't know what the numbers are Go to the web page It's going to be a great show I'm writing some new shit And you know me I just like having a good time My man Lee, what's happening?

What's your week about? Just work and then are we doing this Wednesday? We're doing this fucking Wednesday again We'll have a villa calling As a guest, we'll have some good fucking people And hey, we drop the new one this morning Yeah, it's up there And then this one, I'll be probably

I'll put it out Wednesday, Wednesday, just to know. What else you got going on this week? That's it, man. I'm working 50 hours a week. See how big my wife is getting? Oh, yeah, she's beautiful. She's big, yeah. It's good to see, and it's three months away or something, right?

Yeah, and I'm getting more exciting. You know what? You guys are making me excited by listening and supporting the podcast. And like I said, my attorney's going to look over the sponsorship. So please, people, I got a lot of emails. I forwarded them all last night. We're going to look through them and we're going to make our decisions, and we'll get back.

to you and we'll see. We don't want the fucking whole show to be sponsors. No. You know, I can't have 20 sponsors. I'm going to do like maybe two of the time and it's not because of you or whatever. So please bear with us. And that's it, my man. I'm looking for the sonata so if you know anybody in the fucking valley hit me up. I was going to go to Keys

tonight. My man, Omar, whatever little Mexican guy. But that's it, brother. I'm happy you guys made it this morning. Remember it's Monday. Whatever happens today sets into the whole fucking week. You're from the church. A motherfucker on what's happening now. Mind your business. Sling dick, be good to fucking people, and everything else works out, man.

Love the motherfuckers around you. You know that these guys call for me. I want to thank George. These guys call for me. It's 30 years I've been running with these guys. But they know my love for them. That's why they call on. Yeah, they've got.

I love the cocksucker. Tonight we got nothing. Denver again. Who's playing? I know. It's Seattle against Greenback. We went one for one yesterday. We had the under on the Broncos.

Yeah, we had the over. Over on the Broncos. Under on New England. I bet against what I told you. Don't bet with or against your fucking home team. And that's your home team, cocksucker. I'm sorry, I wouldn't do it again. Little James Brown, the big payback.

What happened is shit. Today's Monday, a little James Brown for you, motherfuckers. Like I said, God bless you. Buddha bless you, Santa Maria bless you. The Jew, God bless you. Everybody throw the Hindu, God bless you. Duncan's podcast, support Beauty and the Beast. Ari Shafia, the Skeptor Tank.

As always my man, play it. Oh, okay. Always my man, Joe Rogan, with the experience. Red Band with Dead Squad. We love you with all our heart. Have a fucking great week and shit. Here you go. This is the attitude you go out with today. The big motherfucking payback, because that's what you're doing.

Go sling some dick in this big fucking world. I love you. Lee, hit him with a kiss. Bye, guys.