The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/25/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #115

Episode Date: September 26, 2013

Ari Shaffir calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/25/2013.

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Or just go to Joey D. and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. It's Wednesday. September 25th fucking D-Day in your fucking world. You better focus in and drop some bombs on some motherfuckers today. All of them.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get up, wash your pussy. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's the real motherfucking deal coming at you. A couple jumping jacks, some alpha brains, some cereal, some Captain Crunch. Are you fucking kidding me?

Or what? Who throws down with Captain Crunch in the morning? If you ain't fucking hitting the fucking reef and listen to Jimmy Hendrix? Shoot yourself, bitch. Listen to this bad black motherfucker. Oh! Oh! With the edge of my fucking head.

A fucking mouth! Are you kidding me? What's the story, Lee? You got me all fired up. this bad black motherfucking them. I was into the music. I forgot what we were recording. God, that's fucking lethal. I put that on the other night about

two in the morning. Even the baby woke up and fucking asked me to roll another. It's fucking Wednesday cock suckers. That's right. It's usually a shitty day, but fuck it, you're going to make it better today. You yourself is going to make it better. You're going to get up. You're going to wash your toes. You're going to put some powder on your nutsack, maybe some fucking

antifungal. That's it. Wednesdays is a good day. I don't get the hump day thing. It's always like the first day that I start thinking about the weekend. I'm like, yeah, it's almost easy. Fuck hump day. They're all a bunch of fucking savages. You've got to take all of them individually and destroy them.

That commercial makes me laugh, though. Which one? That camel. That camel walking on. Hey, what day is it? What day is it? And it's like, it's hump day? I don't know.

I like stupid stuff like that. What's the matter with you? I don't know. What is it matter with me? What's up, Doug? No, tell me how yesterday it went. Listen. It's so funny because the call time was 5.30 a.m.

5.30 in Hollywood. That means you have to be there ready to go. 5.30. Ready to fucking go. I was up at 3.45, like a soldier smoking rea. Eating a goomy bear. You know me. I shut up. I stoned to the gills.

I get out on the fucking Paramount lot and some guy waves at me. Some young brother, fucking tall motherfucker. I go over. He shows me because I'm listening to the church right now and shit. He was listening to the one from Monday. Oh, that's funny. He was going to be one. other bicycle guys in the scene.

So it was cool. I did one fucking scene. They said, you're going to do the next one? Relax. And then they came and got me to go, you're going on. Come back Thursday. And that was it.

All right, awesome. You know, man, listen, I called George yesterday. Uh-huh. At like six in the morning. We were on the set at 6.45. That was when you were going to rehearse. You get there fire dirty.

I do makeup. You change into your clothes. You look over your script. any last adjustment, and you go in there. And just before I get in there, they give me a van, and they open it up for me. And they're like, thank you, Mr. Diaz for coming in today, and the director comes over, and he shakes my hand.

And he's like, oh, my God, thank you for coming over here today. We'll be right with anything we can do for him. I'm like, no, thank you. You know, and they walk away, and I'm sitting there thinking to myself, if these motherfuckers only knew that in 1994, I stole one of those blind kids change jar. The car fell in New Jersey, because I needed weed money.

You know? Like what they come on. It's amazing. Like, they don't fucking know. And I'm, and then from the other side, I'm thinking to myself how lucky I am, how lucky I am that I got to do this. You know, as a kid, I learned to speak English by watching television. So I was always, what's the word, enamorated with it, whatever?

Enamored, yeah. I was always fucking, I wanted to be on TV. I just didn't know what capacity. I had no idea. I remember watching a sweet child of mine, the video in 87, right before I went to prison. And the guy that used to watch TV with and get high with one day said to me, you know, if you ever consider a career in this, my friend's a cameraman in L.A.,

he could probably help you. And I would bug him all the time, you know, like call him up. I'm ready to be a start. You know, like call them up, you know, tell them. And it's all different of what your perception is and what really is in life. Like, I know now that nobody could help you. Yeah. You know, I know now that you could call 1,000 people.

They're like, all right, I'll look around. And you're like, fuck you. I ain't going to fucking help you. But if you set a path and you, you know, you and I both know, we've had this discussion. I told you that my TV and film career were dead. Yeah. You know, so all of a sudden I walk into, I go to Denver.

I come back last week and I have an audition. And I look at this thing and I go, ah, I won't get this in the back of my mind. I don't think like that until it's time. Then I look at it, I go, I can nail this. This is me. Let me go make this me. And I go in there and, and you know what? It's really weird to see.

that I have the ability that I also went to prison. I did a lot of fucking weird stuff, but that now that I could read these things and get booked on these sets and talk to people, and they have no fucking idea. They know I'm a stand-up comic, but they have no fucking idea, you know. And this episode is great.

Pat Nalswold is on it, and he's the regular, the guy from The Wire is on it, my old friend from fucking Longish Yard is in it, Terry Cruz. Oh, cool. Yeah, he plays this. So it's a lot of people that I know.

You know, again, who the fuck? I go on my wallet sometimes to pull out my ATM card and my union card pops out from... SAG. SAG. And I sit there and go, how the fuck did this happen? No, but you still think, like... I understand when you're doing the longest yard and stuff

and it's the first big thing. You're like, oh, I can't believe if they had only known when I was in jail. But 94 was freaking 20 years ago. Like, and you're still, like, oh, if they only knew... Well, listen, I don't forget nothing because I always want to put myself there so I can feel very fortunate. I never want my mind to get away from who the fuck I am.

That's the worst thing that could happen to you in life is for you all of a sudden get $3 and think that you're better than somebody else. Or you get a shitty part of a TV show. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying anything. I've seen so many people go from hero to zero when I was at the store. And then your bubble breaks. And you're doomed.

There goes your career because you put so much. into that thing and to me it's a job I don't feel that I'm better than you because I'm on television where a lot of people do they go into a room they want you to know they just came from an audition I don't give a French and fuck you know if you look at Facebook and Twitter a lot of people say I'm going on an audition today or whatever I don't give a fuck it's a job for me I know it doesn't make me a better person you know and I never thought that I never thought that just because I'd be I do 10 minutes on a TV show that it would take away my sins I never

felt that way where I know a lot of fucking people that walk around here like, you know, they can fucking make water fucking disappear just because they've been in the movie. You've seen them. Oh, you are. And we've discussed this a million fucking time. To me, it's a job.

I like doing stand-up. I like the nitty, gritty dirtiness of doing stand-up. It keeps me who the fuck I am, talking to the people. I really, I really puts, it puts half of my life into perspective. The other half is when I go home, you know, my wife don't fuck around.

My wife tells me, You're a fucking idiot, and that's how it goes down, and that's how it goes down, you know. But the other part of that is I keep myself in check. I ain't going to lie to you guys, or I'm going to lie to you, Lee. I lost a little bit after a longer shot, but not me. It was the people blowing smoke up my ass that made me lose it, because I would never, I even took the competitiveness out of my life because I didn't like what it did to me. You know, because at the end of the week, you're going to do what you're going to do,

and I'm going to do what the fuck I'm going to do, even though we're both comedians. And we're both going to get to the same location only through different paths. So what do you mean you took the competitive in this out? When you first come up here, you get pissed off. Oh, look at Lee. He got a part on this fucking. Look at that. You got to take that off.

You can't worry about what this fucking guy is. But you still work hard. You're just not jealous. Yeah. Fuck. You got to do your own thing. Okay. You know what?

I don't have a Porsche. I have a fucking Subaru. But if I wanted a Porsche, I have a fucking Porsche. You know me? Yeah. I like my little. Subaru. I like going undercover. I don't know who the fuck I am. I'm like nothing. You know, but it's just really hard that people always, you know, I always hear, oh, well,

Jennifer Aniston, she got help. Her father was in the movies or whatever. Yeah, but then she had to go into an audition room and booked that and keep that. A lot of people will get help one time and they'll get on the show and make some money, but then when they start auditioning, they can't fucking do it again. Yeah, we went to a, I went to you with a show and there's a bartender who after we left, you're like, It was very sad. She got one movie and then nothing ever happened and she's still bartending 20 years later or something.

Well, what happened to her was what happens to a lot of people, they start listening to people. It happened to me. But it happens to women more than anybody because somebody always ultimately wants to fuck them. And that person who wants to fuck them puts thoughts into their mind. Oh, have you come to L.A. and that's what happened.

She did a movie with Usher in Chicago where she played the Usher's girlfriend or one of those rappers' girlfriends and she had to make out with him and the whole fucking thing. So for months, the comedians, she was a waitress at a comedy club. Oh, okay.

So the comedians would come in and she would tell them and they'd try to fucking go move out to L.A. I got agents for you. You do the movie with Usher. I'll hook you up. So when she came to me, she was my friend.

Whenever we went to Chicago to work at Riddles, me, her, and the owner would always go eat breakfast to lunch. She's a young girl. And I told about a word called work. Yeah.

And she fucking looked at me like, what? Well, these guys said, all I got to do is walk into this place. And I was like, fucking mesmerized. I was a smart girl like that. Because she's a very intelligent girl

could get overtaken like that. And I still remember being at that boxing gym, you know, the one I go in Hollywood, Justin Fortunes with McAfoldy and those guys, you know, have you ever been there with me? I still remember being there. one time and her going back there for something like there's a store back there okay there used to be a weed store back there and there used to be a coffee shop which it still is

but the coffee shop was tremendous and one day I saw going into the coffee shop this had to be five six years ago and oh my god did she have a story but she asked me a simple question she goes I just moved here and I found two places I found an apartment for like 1,100 in Hollywood you know and then she found one for 2,800 in woolshare that the building has a screening studio and all this shit. And she's like, that's when people come over, and I'm like, who the fuck's going to come over your house? Fucking, you know, I mean, who's coming over?

That you have to have a screening fucking studio. Who's coming over? Steinberg, whatever, one of those fucking meet the greenbergs? Who's fucking coming over you out? So she's like, no, I think I'm going to opt for the 25. So somebody already had her away from the, she's a pretty girl. Yeah.

But she was mad pretty. Really? When we saw, yeah, you could see the sperm guy. got to it, the sperm and the stress, that'll take a bitch down, especially Hollywood sperm, that fucking Arabian, fucking producer sperm that they give you, you know, that shit will kill a bitch. And I've seen it, I've seen beautiful women come here, come here with the work ethic, who team up with some guys, start sucking cock, no auditions, rich, boom, next thing you know, they're fucking pregnant, and they're moving back home.

I've seen girls that were going to be fucking stars that had TV shows that are not. fucking photographers and they're fat fucks and if you would have seen these people 10 years ago you know you would have fucking died you would go oh my god that person's going to be a fucking star no they're not because they had one failure and they quit yeah they quit after one fucking failure you're gonna have a thousand failures in common a thousand i was watching omit on mythologic have you seen that richard prior documentary oh is that the one you had on your house well that one that fired in Vegas at a time when getting fired in Vegas meant you you were done.

Wow. Why did the fire room? Because he went nuts one night. Blazing Saddles was his movie. That was his movie. He wrote the fucking movie with whatever his name was. He was the guy. They didn't give it to him.

He went up to his house and he shot the fucking house up and the goldfish tank. He shot it with a shotgun or a gun. It doesn't matter. In some people's world, those decisions will take you out of the game. Why have you have a nervous breakdown? You know, I was getting dressed to go to the audition for the sequel to Get Shorty. It was between me and some other fucking guy. I was going to meet Gary, whatever his name was, the guy who directed Fridays and all that.

I was going to meet him. I think that's the same director. And as I'm putting my warm-up suit on, a week before Christmas, I get the call that they gave it to some guy in New York. As I'm zippering up my jacket, about to get in my car. For some people, that's a fucking killer thing. You ever see that movie with Blade where he goes to prison? He's a boxer.

And he ends up fighting, you know, what's the guy's name? Wesley Snipes. Yeah. Did a movie with the big black guy. Okay. What the fuck is the, what the fuck is the name? The big black guy from Pope Fiction. Oh.

Ving Rain, from him did a movie. Undisputed? Undisputed. What year is that? 2002. 2002. So that was January. 2002 they were going to shoot that.

They started auditioning for that in like October. And I went to the first audition and it was Wesley Snipes' first Ruben Cannon. He's a big black, big time black casting director. He discovered Danny Treo in prison.

He's the one. Walter Hill directed that one. Yeah, this is a Walter Fucking Hill movie. So here I am. A busted comic in Hollywood. I walk into Walter, into fucking whatever's office. And in those days, they used to have a thing called pre-read. Where you'd pre-read for the casting assistant.

Then if he thought you were good, you came back and read for the casting director. Jesus. This is 10 years ago. This is fucking 11 years ago when they still had money in this time. When they were wasted time. So I get this fucking call, go down there and read for undisputed. I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? It's going to be the last big movie before the strike.

Oh, the writer's strike? Yeah, there was going to be a huge strike. 2002. This was going to be the last big movie before everything went into reality. I figured it'd be my shot. I could move out of the building. I could get a car, you know, this whole fucking thing. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just living my life. I had done mad TV. I'd maybe done a few other stupid things. I get a call to go pre-read for this casting director. I go in, boom, pre-read, bang, go home. They call you, they loved you. They want you to go back to read for Ruben Canada. No, they didn't say, oh, they loved you. They want you to go back to

read for Ruben Cannon for the part of a gangster with the guy who played Colombo and all these fucking people. I go back two days later, I read for the part of fucking the gangster. The guys says, take the sheet away and let's do this, just talk. We fucking do it. It's beautiful. The guy goes, can you come back Tuesday? I'm going to put you in the camera in front of the producers.

I go back, read, boom, dig it. Now they make me go to a fucking. building in Wilshire Boulevard on a Monday morning at 10 o'clock and read for everybody including Walter Hill. And he tells me, he goes, I want you to get this part. The casting director

is fucking pushing for me. Okay? But they also wanted the biggest name in Hollywood at the time. They wanted to get as many big names. They got the guy from Sonsanaki, they had Johnny Meatballs, they had the guy from Boardwalk

Empire. I mean, they had a thousand fucking people in this movie that we're going to do this movie. So, again, I go on Monday morning there's Walter Hill with his fucking hair and the whole I'm going to like, God, damn!

Fucking Walter Hill. So I walk in, I sit down and it's the guy from seven. At the time, seven was still, you know, it was a guy, the guy next to me was the kid from seven that he killed, he killed somebody in seven and he leaves a witness alive.

And the guy's shaking. I've never seen anything like that. next to me. The guy over here was somebody else from a big movie. It was like I walked into a room and I had never been in that room. I had always auditioned with little people for little shows. Now I'm in a room with fucking actors and I'm dying by the minute.

I'm dying. All my insecurities are coming out. I'm thinking about robbing the fucking milkman. I'm thinking about my mother dying. I'm thinking about going to prison. I'm thinking about being a failure. I'm thinking about a thousand fucking things. I go, you know what, fuck this shit. And I went in that big fucking room Lee and I destroyed them.

I got them with comedy first and then I read the scenes and I had them. I got him so much at that Monday night, Walter Hill and Ruben Cannon came to see me at the Laugh Factory. Really? Yep. Yep. Wow. Fucking never... Jamie was pissed. People were pissed.

He wanted to see me at 920. This is fucking Walter Hill. Why were they pissed? Because they wanted, they had other people they wanted to put up. But Walter Hill wanted to see me at 920. They got pissed. So fucking, about three days.

before Christmas I get to call it, they gave it to two more experienced actors, but they're heartbroken because they really like me. That they're going to see what happens after the holidays and try to get me a smaller part in the movie. It was a prison movie. What you fucking give it to me? I was heartbroken. Heartbroken. I must have snorted a kilo of Coke in January. I was so fucking.

How long have you been here at that point? Five years, six years, maybe five years. It doesn't matter. These type of disappointments fucking kill you. Oh, no, but I'm saying, but it'd still kill you now? No, because now I know that nothing happens. Now I know that I didn't miss out on nothing. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, for so long, I figured that if I missed... And there were six stories like that. I have six stories where I was right there towards the end, and I thought that this was going to save my life. And the movie came out, the TV show came out, and it was gone and done. There's a TV show I read for that. It was one of the funniest fucking things I ever read in my life.

and I gotta be honest who ever wrote it wrote it for me without even knowing who I was the guy that played this was this one guy in this thing was the biggest asshole you've ever met in your life and he sounded just like me to people

he was a boozer and his whole search in this episode was a showtime show don't ask me the fucking name of it don't ask me name of it it was going to be showtime's next big thing they had big time directors In my role, was a guy that was a boozer, but he needed a kidney, right?

Okay. And he, so he was trying, they wouldn't put him on the kidney list, but he had so much money, he had these go out and kill people to get his kidney. But it was the funniest fucking thing you ever read in your life, Lee. I still remember the guy, like, the guy would be drinking. Yeah. And the two goons would bring, like, a homeless guy in. I'm like, what do you think, boss?

And he'd look at them and go, get him out of here. He looks like he sucked a dick yesterday. He's all morose. I don't want sperm in my kidneys or something like that. It was just disgusting, but brilliant writer. I forget who the fuck was the writer? But who gives a fuck anyway? I'm just trying to let you know that.

Sometimes those disappointments leave, make people stop in their tracks. They stop, you know, what would you do? If you got into Boston, you did stand up for six years in Boston, drove your car to Connecticut, Maine, Vermont, and the snow, moved to New York for a year,

lived in a fucking basement with three Puerto Ricans and a roach you know the pipes leaked there was no heat in the winter you'd be in comedy and all of a sudden it's one day this agent says to you you should move to L.A.

And you fucking pack up your bags you kiss your mom you know, you're moving to L.A. And there's your dream. Your friends have it going away party for you. You move to L.A. You show up on a Tuesday they get you a fucking showcase

at the comedy store and went at the Laugh Factory and the comedy store tells you know and the Laugh Factory says, showcase again in six months. What do you do? I mean, it would be terrible. I mean, I kind of not the comedy version, but I did

that. I went to college for four years, and I did that for TV, and my first job sucked. It was, yeah, it was tough. And, like, I told you, if I hadn't... A job and a dream with two different fucking things. Well, it was... Before I got out here, it was a dream to be an editor, and now I've kind of seen

a different side of it. But I've already told... It wasn't, I don't know what would have happened, and it wasn't me giving up. I just, I didn't really like L.A. You didn't like it. I probably would have gone home if I hadn't started working with you. Listen, when something's unfamiliar to us, we hate it.

Yeah. And this is a tough place to move to it first. When you're in Boston, you know the fucking area, and you get on the train and go anywhere, and you know where Cambridge is, and you know how to get down to Southie, and then you move out here, and they fucking, everything's so spread out.

Yeah. And you're like, where's Sherman Ours all, 22 miles up? And you're like, what the fuck? And you've got to get on the 10 and the 5. For a couple days that you're like, I don't know if this is going to work out. No. I don't really want to work. And it's hard to meet people because no one's going to hang out.

Like if you meet someone at work and they work and they live an hour away, they're not going to come over to watch TV or something. But it's kind of weird that you bring this up because I got a call two days ago that my high school, my middle school and high school best friend just got engaged. The girl he's been seeing for like six or seven years. and it's he was my best friend and we're still close

but like he's working for a concrete company but it's as like a business consultant or whatever his fiance's working at just a normal nine to five job and I was telling my dad yesterday like he's one of my closest friends but that's exactly why I left

like it just it sounded so boring like he said he works 830 to 5 He had a bigger job at a different company, but he left because he didn't like traveling every week. Like he had to travel to different companies. And I just, I was like, what the, like, and we, at one point towards the end of the conversation, I was like, oh, I'm running into a, I'm running into a dinner or something like.

And I wasn't. I was like 10 minutes from home, but I just couldn't, we almost didn't really have anything to talk about anyway. It was weird. Like, it would, it really, and he had, like, I'm going to be in his wedding and it's, he's still, one of my closest friends, but it's just... When is the wedding? Next fall. Hopefully we'll get a big movie and you don't have to go.

Oh, no, I would always go for that. Oh, you're saying to that end up with a fucking y'all. I just think the time we'll fuck himself. But it's also... And it sounds stupid. But my phones, my new phones coming today and that... Oh, shit. But the reason why I bring it up is...

Oh, shit. You always talk about thinking about your life and what happened. It sounds stupid, but getting a new phone, When I was ordering it, I was thinking about where I was ordering my phone two years ago. And I was at a job I hated. And I didn't really have the money for the phone. And I, it was like the first big phone I had and I was so excited for it. And now I ordered it here in this apartment and we've done the CD.

And I went to, we did the documentary and we just did another CD. And it's crazy. What happened? Like, it felt like two years. Like it felt long. But like looking back at it, I'm like, holy shit. Look what happened in two years. Life is pretty weird when you have things going and when you're motivated and things are in your corner.

And I tell people all the time, man, we had nothing in our corner. It's not like we went to an office and they gave us a deal or gave us money. We had nothing in our corner, but we just kept doing and believing. Staying active, man, is it for me. It's always been it for me. In the game. I don't even know the word. I want to say the word.

By the way, I start meeting with my fucking girl next Monday. For what? For history. Oh, you're a tutor. Yeah. She's going to bring me the book. We're just going to meet Monday and talk about what I know and what I don't know. And you're doing American history?

From the beginning, guys. I'm not going to go to college. I'm just getting a tutor once a week. That's awesome. And hopefully this will. And again, you know, it's not going to make me a movie star to be a tutor or one of these things like a guy. It doesn't matter, man. I'm embarrassed not knowing American history.

I'm embarrassed. And once I get good at it, I want the people to come to the shows, and we're going to quiz each other after the show. Shit. Because I want them to keep me on my toes about 1776 and all this shit. I forgot all that week. I don't know nothing.

I'm so fucking embarrassed, but if I can't tell you people. No one remembers anything from school. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. You guys know more than me. I'm talking about the beginning, how England came over here with the Beatles. They took over And they bit slapped joy

Where's some music Lee, you bad motherfucker It's Wednesday, September 25th Wash your feet, wash your ass Right down your goals There's some fucking body waiting for you To stick your dick in their mouth Trust it.

Oh shit The motherfucker Look at Lee Oh shit Have I seen this movie? Get it together, Cox Suckers Yo Let's do this shit

Oh shit You have to see this movie You're watching the video Yeah I'm watching him dancing around I'm fucking bad a motherfucker He's a bad motherfucker Smoking over

Smoking! How old? What year was this you do? It's got to be 50-something Black and white Yeah Yeah Listen to that shit

This is from a movie? Yeah That's Joe Hops rock You know And they're cheesy and shit This was the fucking king There's nobody walking out that look like him

this guy could take his dick out anywhere and just pee shit who gives a fuck? If he's shit on the floor somebody would eat it. Oh Well what do you think? Are you worried about? Not worried but when the De Niro movie comes out, a lot of that same stuff is going to happen again.

Like you said like when we started the podcast you said how the director was so thankful for you coming in and stuff and you've told me before how like they never used to do that so no but like the same stuff after the longest yard is going to happen when the dinner movie comes out in which sense like people are going to be calling you for interviews and they're going to do not but that's not what it was that's not what it

was that got to me that's not what got to me okay when you work on a set there's people work on a set the p a d's and all this shit i'll tell you work on a tv show you got a fucking let's get yourself together drink some water with your face is getting all ready and shit This is the shit they gave the devil When he had a fucking flu So Fuck That shit's good

That's a good fucking refa That's the Yoda's brain For no whole organic Killing motherfuckers I'm telling you It's right to your fucking soul I smoked the whole joint Up to Sun's Anarchy last night

I had to get out of the house And run around the fucking YMCA a few times I hit the bag I fucking did the epileptical for four I listened to the whole hole in the fucking sky I'm sabotaged I'm telling you, that weed's tremendous. Look at you.

Look at you and shit. This is like 39 fucking percent T-A-C with Arumoloids in it or whatever fun. I had no number. We've got a call coming in. Who's this? Sorry. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. What's up, little brother? How are you feeling? I'm doing great. I had to get out of the apartment. Sorry. What happened? Come you had to get out of your apartment.

You shit. Are you father or something? Oh, I just have a girl over there. I'm just sleeping. So, fuck, I throw her out. It's time. Rise and shine, bitches. She should be making eggs anyway. Bring her on getting out. Yeah, what the fuck. This ain't no fucking boring. And hit the bricks. And hit the bricks, bitch. Do the walk of Shane as though Jamaican downstairs. You got to give

them a toll to get out. You like in New York, how are you? Yeah, it's pretty fun. It really agrees with you. It's pretty fun. I always knew it agreed with you more than this place because sometimes you fucking, you're a night owl. You're one of those late. You're one of those late, night Jews. Yeah. You really? Not a city for that. Yeah, no, no.

LA blows for that. Only can'tas is open after two. Only can't. Yeah, you get swingers and, a toy. There's not much. Fucking toy is good. It's good.

I hate it. It's only kind of shitty egg rolls that all eat those toy egg grows. I'll tell you what I like from toy, the patty shrimp is to fucking kill. I went to lunch at Cheebo the other day with Aubrey. And I was telling Arbor.

Although for some reason, people don't know that this is like a classic strip for food. You've got Chibo, you've got toy, you've got aroma down the corner. Oh, yeah. Aroma. And that's a Brazilian place. The Brazilian place nobody goes to me more. Which one is that? Two or three blocks further down.

Yes, on the corner. They have yellow rice and shit. A lot of people go there still. Oh, really? Yeah, a lot. I forget what the name is. That place has a big time fucking following. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's been around for a while

I've never been there People always talk about it I have no idea what the fuck is It's Brazilian, but it's like They have really solid fuck You know, I'm not a fan of that place But I know a lot of people who are The last time I went there, I got sick

I don't like yellow rice But that fucking toy I tell you, I hate Thai food But god damn, that place is packed With hot women You all right Lee I gave Lee some fucking Yoda's brain From Noho organic

You gotta see him Ari Shafir, he's fucked up He's out of his mind. Oh, this is some good shit, too. Ari, you're missing out. Is the flying too grounded? Oh, he's all fucking done. He's ironing it right now.

I'm fine today. The live podcast is bad. Oh, my God, Ari. We got some 275 milligram gummy bears called Green Hornets from Cheebo. Oh, my God, Ari, fucking Shafir. I got to get some of these. I've got to be there next week. Okay, I'll save you.

I got a bag over here for you. I got a box of dabbers. Those are the new mint chocolate bars from Chiba Choo. 200 milligrams. They have 100 milligrams. Cetiva or 100 milligrams. So if you eat the 200 milligram fucking bar, it's stronger than the Chibotchu.

Wow, really? If you eat the Gumi Bear, it's 100 milligrams more than the Cheebo Decker. Why don't you call it Gumi Bear? Whatever else called the Gummy bear? I don't fucking know, because when you get high, it's a Gumi, right? Who says gummy? What happens? I'm Gumi, Doug.

I'm Gubb. go me. I don't fucking know. Yeah, gee, I am I. You know, because of the success of DET Squad, we've all had little, great little things going on for us, and one of the things you put together is the storyteller show.

What do you call them? Yeah, this is not happening. This is not happening. I mean, it's a great fucking concept. I watched all the videos from the first season that you put me on, and now we're going to shoot the second season on Tuesday, October 1st, again at the Cheetah.

where surprisingly doesn't smell like pussy in there for being a... I don't think it's been a good pussy in there for a decade. Really? I heard it's a bikini bar, though, during the week, but they'll suck your dick. Yeah, I think of a bikini bar. People go there. I mean, it's fun to hang out in. It's mostly just a place to get a drink with a friend.

And that's mostly what it's for. So no chicks that are dirty there, nobody licks your asshole or nothing like that? I mean, I'm sure you can talk somebody into it. I'm sure you can talk somebody into it. You can always talk to go into it. It was a worst thing. But, I don't know. who's doing the shows this week this two

you um rogan uh motion casher jay o'cerson kirk bronholler fortune steamser who's else motion cacher friend is easy um

can you think who wills no njiani no shit yeah yeah she's done a show with him before i think no i've never done a show with him i want to see him though I love his bit about the roller coaster in Coney Island. That's one of the funniest things ever. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. No, you did one with him. You just showed up late. You did one with them. And you talked about Lucy Snorbush. Oh, shit. Yeah, he'd already gone on, I think. Now, you're doing both of them, and you're telling two stories?

Yeah, I'm doing both of them. I know my fight story. You're doing the fight stories. And what's my fight story about Israel? That might happen in Israel. And what's the other topic? Travel, correct? Travel, yeah.

Rogan's doing that one. That's the first show. Rogan's doing that one. Fortune, Moshe, and either Pete Holmes or just I. You've got to see if Pete can do it or not, because he's got a new show. He's going to follow Conan. That's putting him after Conan. You believe that shit? That's amazing.

How is Arsenio doing? Anybody even watch it, or has anybody ever stopped by it? I have not fucking even stopped. I mean, I know some old guys, like, some people my age were like, you know, It's just like when we were little. It's great. It's like fun again.

But I know some other people were like, it was horror. You know what? Who to fuck watch this TV after 1130? I don't fucking watch it. Anything after 1130? Yeah. You mostly suck. Dude, I go into these meetings sometimes with these people.

And you're like, so what TV do you like? I'm like, South Park. Like, what else? I'm like, that's about it for comedies. I want to be like, you guys have done a horrible job. What do you even have? on there. You know what?

A lot of family was good for a year and a half. I watch TV cheering for it. Do you know what I'm saying? I watch TV and I cheer for TV so when it diso fucking points me it tears me the fuck apart

whether it's a new special whether it's something. You know, I always try to watch something that all but a lot of shit is fucking terrible in the comedy department. My God, I watched

the terrible show last night. What? What? The show was or be? B.C. and the other guy as dads. Oh, Dads? Is that the name of the show?

So shitty. Listen, I love her a B.C. dog. That guy from a family guy, whatever his name is. He got lucky. He was family guy. Cleveland shows okay. Everything he touches is like, hey, I'm brilliant. It's like, no, you ain't brilliant. You're going to work at this.

That's a typical fucking 80 sitcom. That looks so bad. Oh, my God. I got stuck for like eight minutes. And all they did he's got some fucking stars. Like, oh, see. Giovanni Ribisi and the guy from fucking Angel or whatever the show

was and it'll be great it can be great. It could be awful. It looks awful. I love Giovanna Ribisi too. I mean, you know, how can you not like him? I love them in Boileroom. There's a lot of fucking little things I like them and there was something else. He was fucking just dynamite in. But when I watched that last... He was even good friends.

Yeah, yeah, he is. He's a little Scientologist, too, right? Yeah. Yeah, he's a little scientist. You know what else he was in? He was even good and friends. He was in, he was in, um, it was in, uh, lost in translation. And the fucking, the, the, the, the husband of the chick who was about to cheat on him. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. No, he's great. He's fucking great. So when you see this shit, you sit there and go, what the fuck am I watching, man? What the fuck am I watching? Was there a laugh, a real obvious laugh track? Yeah. Yeah, of course.

And when you watch the specials on Showtime. I'm up and I'm walking down to the dangerous maybe. I've never up this early, and I was like, fuck it. Let me just go down to D and E. I live on D. That's about the border, three and a half. Now I'm walking out of the E. I figure it's late.

So what happens on E? They still saw heroin on E and shit? I don't know. I won't go out here after 5.m. It gets that bad. It's that much of a difference. No. New York was built by fucking Jews.

You don't fucking fear that. city there's a yamaica on every street corner dog like a GPS there's a yarmica guiding you motherfuckers we got on today anybody crazy just you let me tell you something that used to be a heavy heavy heavy duty neighborhood Ari that you're walking in when I tell you heavy duty REE heavy duty I haven't been in that neighbor to Ari honestly since 1982 honestly that's the honest really I think I went back in 93 or 91 to go down to that get weed one time, but that's a scary They don't even call Alphabet City anymore.

No, that's a scary neighbor. There's a movie. There's a movie with Vincent Spano that was done in 19, whatever, cheesy as fuck. It's called Alphabet City. Oh, really? And I gotta tell you, I mean, the movie blows. I don't even know why I'm bringing it up, but that was,

I gotta be, that was a scary, that was you know, like, different parts of the city represented different things, okay? When I was growing up, Harlem had the Coke and the weed. Weed being first and then the Coke

when you went to Spanish Harlem every click had a heroin guy but I wasn't a part of it so I didn't see that click do you follow I'm saying to you? Your eyes only let you see what you want to see

so let's say 148 Street in Broadway in the middle of that block they used to sell weed in the 80s it was called the master mix okay so they sold Thai weed which was one brand for 20 and they sold green weed, Sensor Mia for 20,

but for together, they called it a master mix, they put it together. And on this block, on this block, right there, I'm 148. I'm just trying to sell you

the whole example. If you went, the weed was sold on the streets. The Coke, you had a hybrid. They just mixed it together. Yeah, this is just, yeah,

there was no hybrid. This is when they had Jamaican bread called lambs bread. It's a weed that's very popular in Miami, lamb's bread. It comes from Jamaica.

And they would mix them. They had that. They had that at the place we saw from the parlor. Right. They say it's Lamb's breath now, but it's very brown with reddish hairs, and it's very thick. It's an indica, I think. It's a very thick reed. It's toxic when you smoke it.

So if you want to blow in 84 or something, you went in the building, if you want it coke, I mean, yeah, if you want it like heroin, you went in a building, but since I wasn't part of that, I didn't see it. When you went to Alphabet City, you went to Alphabet City to get stuff like Tuminaw's, and xylenols and barbiturates and heroin, you know? Like, if you went to Alphabet City and tried to get weed, they probably punch in the fucking face. Like, that's all I remember. That's what I remember about Alphabet

City. Like, going down there one time, and it was heavy duty, everything that I wasn't doing at the time. It was interesting. Like, they had hookers down there, but it was very interesting. They had the shit that you didn't want. You know, like, it wasn't what I... Like, Washington Square Park used to be

a very big pill place in the 80s and 90s. What got cleaned up in the 90s. Yeah, you thought that's a degenerate there, but not that bad Washington Square Park. No, but it used to be, we could go to Washington Square Park and get anything. You understand me?

Anything. You get a gram of speed, you get a gram of heroin, you get, you know, it was that, that's how Washington Square Park, and that's why I remember Dave Chappelle from. Like, a lot of people don't know this. Now all you can do is find some weed.

All you got to do is find some guy who passions you. I finally figured it out. If somebody just ethnic looking, and when they walk by you, they just, under a breath, they just say, like, real soft. They go, like, three, two, whatever they say, whatever they say,

what it's neat. And then you turn and look at them, and they try to keep walking, but they turn also. And they see you looking, they go, stuff. Right, yeah, yeah, it's very nonchal. Remember, a look is as good as a nod

to a blind voice. So it's very nonchalant. It's a very weird look. It's so New Yorkish. All that shit is so New Yorkish. That's what weed and drug sales is different in New York, that the guy will be there. You won't even know it's him, but it's him.

Yeah. Nobody pays attention to anybody else. So if you do actually pay attention, even though look, you're right, that's enough. That's enough. That's enough. You know, I was very fortunate. When I was, like, in the eighth grade, ninth grade, all you had to do was take a bus into 42nd Street,

go to that corner, and, Ari, there'd be 20 drug dealers at all times. And as you walk through them, you walk through them with your mom, like, you know, let's say you were going to the circus. You had to get to Madison Square Garden, so you had to walk up a block and take a cab. Like, I remember going to the city with my mom and walking through those people. And all you heard was yerba, yerba, marijuana, acid, you know, cocaine. Like, you heard everything. And it was all beat. You did not stop for those guys on 42nd Street, right there where the billboard is.

You did not stop for those people. It was all fake. They would give you paper with the coffee. All fake. Somebody gave me, somebody gave it by there, somebody gave it, somebody, so I did that saying, somebody weed, I didn't have any, so I was like, the problem here is, it's not so much getting it. You can find it from delivery service.

You can find it, you know, in places, your friends, like, hey, my guy's coming. But it's when you're out and you don't have any on you. And then you're like, oh, I want them weed. And you got to go all the way back home to get some, and you can't pull over to a store, like a fucking grown man, like a free American. You can't do that. So you've got to find someone out.

And this guy gave me somebody like, yeah, And I smelled it, and it smelled like air. And for the first time, I was like, you know what, man? Nah. And I said, I said, all right, all right, try this. And I watch them carefully because I know he's going to fucking switch them. How was the second batch that showed you? Second batch was okay.

Second batch, I could smell. The first batch was a fucking fake bag for someone who wants to come to a New York high weed for the first time. Well, in magazines. Well, in magazines and, like, high times and shit, they sell fake weed. And they call it something else. It's like a fake weed they have in there. Like you'll buy a half ounce for $16 and it's aromatic and you smoke it. You get it sent to your house and nothing happens.

But they let you ship it. It has no T8C value out of it at all. But when you're young, you don't know. You'll fucking buy that shit. You're like they sell it in a magazine. You know, so you'll fucking buy. It's like right now I guarantee somebody's got Cheebo choose for sale online. They just got no T8C in them.

So you'll buy them, send them. Any minute, any minute now, people are going to start duplicating shit and selling all over the country. It makes sense. Hey, it's $20 for one of those Cheebo Chew Deckers. If I sell 10 of those, it's $200 fucking. Really? That's $20 a chebo-chews?

Oh, yeah, the quad doses. The quad doses. I could sell 50 of those in the fucking rage. Remember, everybody I gave the 500-millimeter brownie to New York called me days later and said, what was that? What was in that? What was that? One guy being my brother, Mike Ronnie, who we did, I don't know how many pounds of cocaine together.

I don't know how much time we smoke crack. How many times we did a bunch of shit? And he called back and he goes, what was in that thing? He goes, it was like me. Dude, when you wrecked George at the UFC in Newark and he couldn't even, he dropped you off to find parking and then couldn't even find the place. He said, fuck it and had to go home. What was that off a banana bread? That was off a whole piece of banana bread.

I watched the decline. It was like Rome going. going backwards. I seen him driving from 60 and by the time he was doing 20 to 18 miles an hour and making right turns on my George, you're okay and he's like man I'm fucking high and he got

back and he didn't get out of the car. I left him and he made a U-Turk in Newark and went into a black neighbor and got scared and he said he couldn't stop the car he drove right home. He said he sat in the shower for like three hours but this last batch of fucking And this, Antigalores has the 500 milligram brownie that, I tell you what, I think she's wrong.

I think she's wrong. Yeah, I think there's, I think there's more than 500 milligrams in that. Oh, he thinks she's wrong in the doses. Because I've eaten 500 milligrams in pieces, like, I eat like a Cheebo Chew at like 2 o'clock, and then I'll get somewhere and some of them. Add up to 500. Yeah, I could do like 125, you know. But fucking the Cheebo chew she gave us in San Jose that time, the Anti-Dolores, the 5.000. hundred milligram. That time, I took a little piece of that. And Ari, I had to fucking sit down.

I'm a big guy. I eat T-H-C. I had to sit down and order chicken fingers quickly. Quickly. Like, I was going down. Yeah, I was going down quickly. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I was going down. So I had that situation. And then there was another time I ate it. Oh, and my daughter was born. Right after? No. She was a little bigger. I ate. one on the Saturday morning. Not the whole thing. A little slice of it. And I sat down and my wife was like, I got to go to yoga. Can you watch her? And I said, sure. And in the middle of watching, it was where I realized how fucking high I was.

And I couldn't get up to pee. She weighed like 800 pounds. She weighed fucking 10 pounds, 12 pounds. I couldn't get up. And then No. And then this last time in New York on stage at Gotham's, I was pretty fucked up that night. That Saturday? All for fucking anti-Dolores. I cut the thing

five ways. So if you cut out, 500 milligram brownie five ways, it's 100 milligrams apiece. Yeah. That ain't nothing. That ain't nothing. That's a buzz.

That's a buzz. Let me tell you something. Two of my friends. I don't fuck with, yeah. One of my friends, you know when you hit somebody and they get up and you have somebody carry him like one guy on your right

and one guy on your left? That's how he walked out of there with his wife and his friend walking him out of there. The other one of my friends. Like arm over their shoulders? Yeah, that type of shit. The other one of my friends looked fucking out of it. My niece, Kelly, was fucking hammered.

She said she had to pull over and eat like six Dunkin' Donuts right off the back. She said right when she got to Jersey. She told me the next day. She goes, what was in that? I go, why would happen? She goes, I went right to Dunkin' Donuts on Kennedy Boulevard. And she goes, I ordered 12, but I ate six before I could start the car up and had a half a cup of coffee. And then she goes, I went home.

And then when I woke up, I was high. I had to go get a three-egg arm with it at the fucking diner. Yeah. When you wake up high, it's a whole different scenario. That's a whole day. It feels like they're just groggy. And then you're like, all right, whatever, I just woke up. I'm groggy, no big deal.

And then 30 minutes passes. You know, I've got to wake up a little bit. And then an hour passes. You know, like, oh, I ain't groggy. I'm up. I'm stone. Well, once you go on the shower, once you go in the shower and then you have coffee

and you still have that feeling, You just accept it after that. You're like, I guess I'm starting my day off in this fucking cloud of death. And that's what that brownie is from Mante Dolores. It really is death. And I go to these different weed stores, and I assume that that thing would move. It sits there. People are scared of it.

People are scared of it. They just sold the last two. I had no whole organic. They just sold the last two. And they saw, I haven't been in the other one all week since. Because I got a bag of edibles at the fucking house. I can't get away from them. I got the dabbers.

I got the fucking gummies. And I still got a bag of hybrid cheebo shoes sitting there for the fucking taken. That's how fucking stone I am. And this week, I'm shooting that thing tomorrow, and then I'm going to Oregon Friday and say, I don't have to tell you how crazy and how fucking stormy. What are you shooting?

Book of 9-9 again? Yeah, yeah. I got one more day tomorrow. All right. Today I got to hold your blood at 10 o'clock, which I'm fucking sweating, but I'm just going to bring my iPod and put on Black Sabbath

and looked the other way. But Ari, I'll tell you what, I've been working on this story a little bit. I'm excited about this. Really? Yeah, because I've written three stories. I just don't know. None of them are 15 minutes long,

which means I got to mix them. Right. Well, you can go 10. Yeah, I got to figure out how to fucking mix this shit. This is a... No, I don't want to give anything away if people see it,

but like, this is the one you're going to talk about outside Yankee Stadium? That stuff? Yeah. Well, I'm going to mix that with What happened to me, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I have a couple different options, but I tell you, I'm looking fucking forward to it.

This is pretty interesting. Yeah, it's really cool. I'm really happy to line up this time. It's like everybody's really good. David Kekner's doing it. Okay, so what time is it started? Seven o'clock and nine o'clock, right? No, 7.30, 9.30.

And the tickets are online to free. I'll tweet about them. I'll tweet the link right now. All right. What do you got going on this weekend, Cocklicker? I'm just running that set. I got, like, fucking, five spots on Friday. and six on Saturday.

Five sets on Friday. Five fucking sets on Friday. Yeah. And you got, you have, you have, the cellar? The cellar since Thursday, yeah. Okay, and then you have the stand?

Thursday, right? Probably. Yeah, and stand of New York. Stand of New York. Wow, are you a fucking on the yard. You got a cap on the yard. You got a cap on. I'm going to watch Dice's, what?

What? What, what? He came by the seller. He was Eleanor and his wife He goes, I don't believe you move I'm like, well, what are you doing to do? Because I know what you're pulling on me. I'm like, I didn't even tell you I was leaving.

What are you even pulling on you? It ain't going to work, all right? And so, whatever, he's just fucking around. But he went there. And it was cool. He was there. Louis C.K. was there. We all talked for a while.

It was nice. Did he get on stage? No. He said he went down there. He said he's got to rest of his work because he was doing so much stand-up. You know how dice. He's always afraid of like, I can't get sick now.

I can't get sick right now. He's always like into the world one. But he's got a lot of heat off the blue jazz and thing. Oh, yeah, they say he's great. They say he's fucking great of it. They say he's, I almost saw it last night. I almost went to see it last night. I got to watch it.

But yeah, him and Louis talked. They both in the movie together. So they were talking for a while. I don't know. It was cool. It's always cool down there at the cellar. You know? You're having a good time.

I'm proud of you are. You're having a fucking. good time. I still remember that skinny little fucking nerdy guy at the store on fucking the weekends. Walking around tall and fuck bumping into shit. Yeah. I changed there at the store. That's why I changed. Yeah, and you see how

everything involves Ari. Like, when you first got it, you're a big commercial guy. Now you don't give a fuck. You're like, I don't give a fuck about commercials no more. They can give them to me. Yeah, that's all they can want back then. Aqua's over there. You put a fucking an extension on fucking Aqua's fucking house on the Korea. house you made so many fucking money with those commercials and shit now you're doing

I do well with Lyon they did well with them it was great it was a great way to make money so you could like fucking do comedy yeah it really is it does free up let me ask you something Mari we were talking about something early on what was what was a disappointment early on in your comedy career that would have made other people quit did you ever have one of them like you know I know first call was Mixie mitzy 34 showcases 34 times I had to go from front of her My God. The 32 times she said, no, no, no, no.

I went to the main room and I threw chairs. I'd be like, well, how about that? No, I'm not even close. You kidding me? I was awful. And I went to the main room, I threw chairs around when it was closed. I was just like, just took pepper tantrum. I remember the only time I ever asked for a blowjob.

I got home and my girlfriend at the time. I was just disappointed. I thought that was going to be the day because I said, I asked if she could watch me. just to give me some advice. She goes, yeah, I set up a showcase. So I asked Corey, Princess Corey, and set it up.

She goes, ooh, it's a big for you. And I started getting in my head. And I thought, I'm like, oh, this is it big for me? Really? I just wanted some advice from Misty. And everybody started talking about it. It was a big moment. And then she was like, no, like real, real harsh.

Didn't even try to sugarcoat it for anybody. She just, no, feed it. And I got home, I was so sad. And I was so sad. And I was, you know, like, she was just, I just have a blow job. I just want to forget for a minute. That would have made most people quit.

Fucking Comedy Central never saying yes. For 12 years, would have paid people quit. I couldn't even do six minutes on that. I have my best showcase of all time for live at Gossip. Best showcase I've ever done. And I was like, well, if they don't take me now, they just don't like me. Well, they just don't like me. It really is amazing when the pain changes,

when at first you get like this initial pain and then to sue it you go, you know what, they just don't like you. And that makes it easier. That makes it so much easier. Yeah, then you can't blame them. Like, oh, no big deal. You just don't like it. It's got nothing to do with my talent.

And you guys don't know anything. You were in college two years ago. You don't know. I mean, I know comedy, but you do it. It's okay. And you realize, like, who cares if one guy doesn't like you? You know, one of the... A legend says, that's not my page.

Yeah, it shouldn't be. You know, it's funny. that I bumped into when I went to Denver last week, one of the biggest accomplishments wasn't opening up for Dave Chappelle. Chappelle giving me a hug. I was really happy to see him. He was happy to see.

Oh, yeah? It was really great, Ari. The highlight of the night was when I had to talk to Wendy from the Comedy Works. She had to say hello to me. How was that? That was tremendous because I finally... How long has it been since you talked to her?

The last time I had a conversation with Wendy was March of 1995 when she called me and she told me I was banned. from the comedy works okay right and guys Ari you know again that's like a disappointing thing at that point in my life

at that point in my life I thought that if I would get discovered I would get enough money to get an attorney to try to fight from my daughter back there was so many little variables which you don't know that's why you don't know who you're cutting off and flipping the finger to you know it could be me or it could

be the flying Jew it could be you and we could be having a good dango we don't give a fuck about your finger It could also be the day for somebody when they take their car, their wife leaves them. They have nothing to lose, and they'll take that gun and shoot you in the fucking head. Yeah, fuck, good guy. And at that time, Ari, I wanted to kill my ex-wife.

You know, I was broke. I was doing blow. I mean, there was so many variables, and I got a call from Wendy because the only bright light I had I was doing star showcases at the Comedy Works, which are 10-minute spots before they make you a regular.

Yeah. That's mind-boggling for a guy like, me you know how big it is to be a part of something like that in Denver when you're doing two or three years and i get this call from yeah and i get this call from wendy saying you can't do this you got sexual harassment this girl didn't file charges she didn't have enough but she said you grabbed her ass i was fucking heartbroken but i knew that i couldn't sit there and wallow so i had to pick up and leave and so there's two ways to look at this i could have told wendy the second where you go to seattle or you go to l i went to seattle i went to seattle i went to seattle uh

June 25th, 1985. I didn't even have all the money, Ari. I had two licenses then because I had bought one, like I got one, and then I thought I lost it, so I got a duplicate, and I found the one, and to get out of town, I had like $80, so to fill up my tank, I went to the gas station on the corner,

I told him I left my water home, and I just gave my license to hold, and I did my first Tribble run. It was in Ogden, Utah. But the moral of the story is, Ari, you know what? If she wouldn't have thrown me, out of the Denver

Comedy Works. Where would I be today? Would I still be in Boulder? Would I have been in jail? Just getting out for killing those dumb motherfuckers, my ex-wife, my boyfriend. There would have been so many options.

So yeah, I was upset for a while when she told Joe Rogan, I didn't like how it went out and all that stuff, but thinking later on, I had to think about what Wendy did for me.

She did me a fucking favor. So when she came over to me and we talked, I finally, after 20 minutes or just the overall stuff, that came up. And I said, Monday, I've got to tell you how I feel.

You saved my life. You made me a career. By you throwing me out, because it's the truth, let's face it. If she wouldn't have thrown me out of dent, I would have let my loyalties take over. And I would have fucking stayed there

and tried to be a father the whole time getting kicked on the fucking stomach the whole time. I would have tried to make $3 to get four taken away from me. Eventually, Ari, I would have snapped. Between the blow and my life and no comment.

and doing fucking gigs in Wyoming on the weekend, you know, following a magician, I would have fucking killed somebody. So I told her a truth. I told it a truth. But here's what gets better. While I'm talking to us, guess who walks up?

That Rick Greenstein. Now, what I always knew was, I had heard this one. Which one is Greenstein? The guy that was at Gersh, the guy that was at Gersh that fired, that Joe Rogan fired, that he represented Carlos and all that shit.

He was the one that told. He was the one that. and told Joe Rogan to call Carlos and apologize. Apologize. Yeah, when he goes, look, Joe, nobody wanted to go this far. And Joe's like, I did. I wanted him to go further. What are you talking about?

I mean, it was horrible. But he was always, when they did that tour, he's the one that didn't want me and you on the tour. You know, he really was, he really was an advocate against us. So without knowing that he is standing with his dumb fucking cow, oh, fuck that cunt. He's standing there with his cowboy hat. And all of a sudden, Wendy goes,

do you know Rick Greenstein? He very reluctantly put it to his hand, up me. I could have said something. I just put my hand up in sugar like fuck you, whatever. The next morning I get to the plane and I took an economy select flight, you know, the seats behind first class there, they're bigger, and I got the whole road on myself. And I see the kid from Live Nation. And he goes, you know, Rick Greenstein's on this flight. And I go, oh, this fucking douchebag. And sure enough, I'm sitting there. I'm the first row behind first class. And I'm thinking Rick Greenstein, Dave Chappelle's agent, is going to be your first class, this fucking

Momo walks past me. And I look at him and I'm like, so you're Dave Chappelle's managing, you're sitting and coach, you fucking mutt. And that was, like, here I am an economy plus. I'm a mutt, but at least I'm an economy plus, motherfucker. At least I got more legroom, bitch!

You're sitting back there with those fucking Expedia tickets sitting next to a guy with handcuffs on and shit. And you're supposed to be some fucking, that's what you get for being a thief monger. You know, and people like that like you look at, and they'll never get it, because they're stupid.

You know, I'm like that with some people. Like, I don't like them because they are talented or whatever. And you say that a person is not talented, but they're funny. But that to me was a personal fucking victory seeing that fucking mutt. Yeah, well past you. You know that Madonna, about seven years ago, auctioned off a letter of all the people that told her no? Did you ever hear about?

She wrote two pages or three pages of all the people that turned her down at the beginning that told her she had no talent, and she had the original letters. Did you know that? How many people ran for cover when that bitch released those fucking letters? People who told us she had no talent. Oh, they must have been embarrassed.

All the people, half of them are still in the business. Oh, that kind of shit will shut you down. That kind of shit will shut you down because if you didn't believe in Madonna in 83, who the fuck are you? All your friends. Yeah. She's talking about you.

You said no to Madonna. You didn't know to Madonna? Well, she came in wearing a yellow beret. Fuck you. Shut up. yellow beret. You should have seen it, moron. You're fucking mom-mo. So what's it, baby? We're on for Tuesday, 8 o'clock. Bring the reefer.

Bring the fucking edibles. We're going to be down there. I'm not going to eat no edibles two days before. So everything was good. You were an eye off your mind last night. Oh, I was too. I can't do that shit, Doug. No more. I got to give these people a fuck. I got to give these people a show. Ari, I'm happy that you're becoming the fucking comedian that you're becoming.

You always been a good guy, so I'm fucking happy. So I have some Bumi Bears for you Tuesday for sure, all right? Okay. When do you get into town? I get it on Sunday. Okay. I'll see you Monday for sure. I love you, cock-sucking.

Okay. Go back and eat that girl's pussy, you're filthy motherfucker. One more time before you go to work. Let me eat that fucking asshole. Yeah. Sucks out of that hemorrhoids out of the that fucking hemorrhoid juice for breakfast that'll kill bad breath and everything. You squeeze it out of like a fucking grape and a vine.

You're nasty. motherfucker. Have a good day brother. All right. Thank you. All right. I'll treat that lake right now for two. All right. Don't forget about me. What's the story? Lee? You're sitting there all stoned and shit. Yeah, his show is the first show I ever

went to see in L.A. Ari Shafir? The storyteller ones, it was bad jobs. I don't think it was that one. It was like one or two after. Like, because the first one, I went with two friends. Second one, I just went by myself. Like, last night I went to comedy by myself. I always go. But it was one of the ones

and you were shooting a Disney show and you were on the list it was before you were in work together and I tweeted it at you and I said I was did because Ari said you had a movie or something and you said to me it was like the first tweet I ever did and you're like it's a TV show I let you guys know when it comes out or something

and it was like I was just thinking like it was a storyteller about bad jobs and it was the first comedy show I saw in LA yeah I was three years ago Ningers or something. That's why they did super nangers and they gave me a contract. It's on the background check. And I'm sitting there going, I won't be back here tomorrow. But I was there tomorrow, bitches.

Anyway, I'm feeling good today. I'm happy. Everything is good. I went to acupuncture yesterday. I went to the while last night. But it's not all that shit at all. You got to take care of the other end of this stuff. And that's where Honour comes in. You know, I preach about this shit every fucking day.

I'm not going to tell you that you can see through walls, jump through mirrors and drop on walls. and when we're on the take, we're fresh out the box. You can hear our sounds from blocks and blocks. No. If you want to feel better, you want to feel a little better, you want to feel sharper. Do me a favor. Just get those little packages.

If you just want to mix the alpha brain up with the fucking shroom tech, I don't want to go over this again. Guys, make the decision. You got to do something. Even if you walk around the block and take a few fucking alpha brains and sniff your feet, I don't give a fuck what you do. Go on it. In the box, what do you press?

Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Bang! There you have it. You have yourself. You get 10% off. You get put on the list.

Hopefully you'll win a fucking trip to fucking Aruba. And you do some ass and jump out of a helicopter. All right. There you have it there. What are you doing this weekend? What's the story? I'm sorry about fucking you over with the podcast. In fact, I got to get a hold of Bam Bam Healy and let him know what's crack or lacking.

We'll have him call up next week and we'll talk to him. He's a good dude. I'm sorry that he lost against that guy. And I'm sorry to Portland. But we'll be up there Friday and Saturday. But what are you saying, Joey? What am I going to do fucking Thursday night? This is what you're going to do Thursday night.

You're going to go to Hulu Plus, okay? And you're going to put the code word in what? Joey. Joey. Boom, you're going to get two free weeks for free. Just give me your ATM putt even if it got $3 on it. Who'd give a fuck? Go on there and get two free weeks. Free. Who got?

Free. That's it. Done. It's got movies. I don't know what they got this fucking week. My wife was watching it. Not last night before. Last night before last night were watching Sons Anarchy. So go to Hulu Plus. Get your two free weeks. And after that's $7.99 a month.

It's $96 a fucking year That's what most fucking cable systems are a month And I'm gonna trim it down for you for a fucking year $96.00. Huluplus.com press Joey. There you go, cossucker. How are you doing? I'm sorry.

Sonza Anarchy alert. Suns of Anarchy alert. Fat man alert. Fat man alert. Jesus. Suns of Anarchy was pretty fucking good last night. Oh, it picked up? It's busting open now. It's busting open.

He's going up against Donald Logue, you know, uh, uh, uh, Gusterson, aka Jack Teller. He looks like Gusterson a little bit. But Jacks Teller's a bad motherfucker. You know, somebody told me a really good story. The Agostino said that he thinks that at the end, Clay Marl's going to really be Jack Teller's father,

that it was all the lie, that she was fucking around, that he really was her for the kid's father. It's pretty interesting. Is this the last season of it? No, I think they got one more, but fucking tremendous. It's really opening it up now. Clay Marrows with the black guys now in segregation, he stabs some white dude in the fucking neck last night.

night you know uh uh what's his name's gone the cops are looking for the fucking gun that shot the school up so it's very good kurt sutter's doing a great job with it man last week was one of those and i know what happened last week last week was one of those episodes where they're setting everything up bam man man man they're just setting everything up but it's a great show and i watch it it's my entertainment value on a tuesday i watch it to 812 i spoke to you and i went to the ymc i made the best of both fucking worlds i did the epileptical for 40 i hit the bag for 20 i stretched I cooled down, I went fucking home and fell asleep and smoked some pot. What do you want for me?

You know what I'm a fucking segregated type bitch? What's up with you, cock suck? When does this juice and start? Tuesday. That's Tuesday. You're going to come to the fucking storyteller show with kale on your breath and cucumbers and shit. Huh? I guess.

And what are you doing with the mama this week? Put the cape on and tie her up and play Mexican music. What do you think? You ever give her a stabbing with mariachi music? No, no. I don't think we have any concrete play. You're gonna put a little Mexican hat on, one of those little hats and that's what you should get. You shouldn't get one of the roads.

You get a Mexican hat, one of those fucking ponchos and just walk around naked and just flip open and show a little Cuban fucking Jew soldier. You got it every fucking hour. How do you smoke joints for the entire two-hour show? How do you do that? I have like six-ups. It's a state of mind, guy. And I got to go for a blood test, which means I'm definitely going to pass out, but I'm a soldier. I'm like Tupac and fucking 90, whatever.

Your blood's going to be green. Who gives a fuck? I don't even want to... I hope the fucking needle gets stuck on a stem in my arm. You know what I'm saying? Like he gets like a seed

popped into the needle and nothing comes out like just green juice. I don't give a fuck. Did I give shoutouts today? No, you did not? What the fuck, Lee? You're slipping, dude?

You're slipping, dude. You're slipping, cocksucker. The brain food, I love you, motherfuckers. Brain Food Medicine. Bung One Projects. Burn One Project. I like you like.

Lewis Martinez, the shirts are coming. Daniel Riley. Who loves you? Cassius Morris, your little black motherfucker. Who loves you more than me? A little 14-year-old cock sucker. One of the best in the business. Fucking Cassius Morris.

My man, water boxes sticking up to me against that fucking Christian dude. Oh, I saw that. Ali yesterday was all mad. He didn't know what had happened. You know, Twitter gets out of control sometimes. Some fucking kid, 15 calling me immature. I'm like, you fucking 15.

Go eat that black chick's ass. You have to picture him and some fucking black chick that he said. We want to read the Bible. If I want to read a Bible, with a black chick. Get the fuck out of it. Yeah, people attacked him.

It was a water box and this other dude. I'm not fucking, and he's the way gets ugly. I fucking got into it with the guy at 8 in the morning, Sunday morning. It's okay, I'm a loser. I do, I have a life all day Sunday.

I get back on Twitter about six. It's still going on. Yeah. They're still torturing this guy. Waterbox is a soldier. Waterboxer don't give a fuck. Waterboxer would have been on fucking apocalypse now.

He would have been on the boat. You know what you're saying? I know exactly what you're saying. Look at the shape of you. You're going to drive to work. Let's smoke some more. I'm off it. I got a gummy bear for you.

You want a gummy bear? Like a third to get your star to get the wings going? I'm not going to work if I have a gummy bear. Well, since I'm taking tomorrow off, maybe I'll do one tomorrow. Hang out here, play video games all day. Yeah, but you got no fucking, no podcast tomorrow. People want to hear you stone. You were very funny.

You were very fine on life podcasts. I didn't talk much. That's all. We don't want when you talk. Just to look on your face. Jesus. Look good, you know what I'm saying? You bad, motherfucker fucking.

This is what happened in San Jose. What happened in San Jose? I can't move when you give me those edibles. I don't like it. Listen, do I ever want you to move. Yes. I want you to do a few jumping jazz.

I want you to dance a little bit, but that's it. I don't need you moving. Who wants you move? What is the circus de fucking Soleil? I don't want you moving. I want you to be you, Lee. That's it. Just be you.

Stoning, giggly, you know. Yeah. Your hair's growing. You're looking good? You're doing some shit in your head, do? No. Nothing in school. See, the refus.

That edible. It grows the hair. Let me tell you some. I'll give you a gummy bear every day for a week. You'll have a fucking pompadour when I get through with you. You'll be like fucking a Jew Elvis. I don't like the whole waking up stone thing. It's happened a couple.

I don't mind feeling a little bit nice. Like after I have an edible, like if I have it early in the day, like I feel nice the next day. But with you, when I eat it late, I wake up the next day. And I'm like, I'm still, like, I wake up and I'm all disappointed. I thought sleeping would make it go away. We go for a nice steak and eggs, like a salt. go nowhere. I stay in bed and close

my eyes. When it was the last time you went and got a nice steak and eggs in the morning? I've never had steak and eggs for breakfast. Why not? What the fuck is wrong with you? Because it's, I don't know, it's steak for breakfast. Listen, you don't get a fucking T-bonne from Auntie Chang, it's a big one. What do you got? You get yourself a little one,

like a six-ounce nice rib, you cut it up nice with some fucking onions, and you put it over the toast. Oh, that sounds like good. You make the three eggs, you fry the eggs up, right? Uh-huh. You don't have to put it to potatoes, Potatoes are overkill.

You get fruit, little watermelon, little green melon, maybe an apple. And you take that fucking steak, and you cut it up, and you eat that juicy steak, and you take that white bread, and you dip it in that fucking yolk. Come on, huh? Who's better than you? That's good. You eat that fucking yolk, and you drink a big glass of water and some vitamins, then you walk home, you take a nice big shit, maybe a little cup of oatmeal.

You know what I'm saying? Keep everything normal, some coffee, you come home, you dump that fucking soldier, and you take a little hour and a half nap. Who's going to stop? you. Countries can't stop you. You can walk into fucking Syria solo naked with a bomb strapped onto your body with fucking you know what I'm saying like? I lost you at the Syria. What the fuck me? Cocksucker. It's Wednesday you're bad

motherfuckers. I'm happy you listen. I'm happy here. I want to thank Ari Shafir. I want to thank all you motherfuckers for being soldiers. Like I said Friday and Saturday we're in Portland and then Chicago got canceled because next week I'm doing a movie. For two weeks I'm doing a movie. I'm shooting Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And then the following week I'm shooting like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, right here, down the block. Oh, shit. Come home and steal some grapes and shit. Steal some crafts.

So we're going to do some fucking, then after that, the week after that, I'm in San Francisco, then I'm in Ontario. With Ari, right? That I'm in Jackson, fucking Tennessee on a Saturday night. Oh, shit. And that's it. And that's it. And then it's Halloween.

And then we have the podcast, the live one, the 30th, the night before Halloween. We have a devil's night fucking podcast. It's going to be crazy. You know what devil's night is? Yeah, the kids go out and, like, create havoc, I don't know. That's right. I don't know what they said in the 30s. They bully fucking kids.

They beat people up. They hit their fucking nutsacks with hammers. What did you do? What did I do? You don't want to know what I did. All right. I don't want to ask questions. What are you going to do?

You don't want to go to work? I'm going to smoke this other fucking number with Mr. Tupac. What are you doing? Stop scratching. What are you scratching? I have no idea. You're scratching your ass? Like, it's probably wet.

My leg. Your leg? What are you got on your leg? What are you got a leg? I got fucking whatever that weed was. Oh, one last thing before we go. Where you go? Dollar Shave Club.com.

I know all about this. I was going to drop it on you in a second here. I'm getting more and more fucking emails every day about that. Listen, if you listen to the podcast and you're a guy, unless your wife works with one of the fucking companies, if you're not getting Dollar Shave Club, you're slipping. Especially the $6 package of his and hers. Those raises are fucking phenomenal.

She could use them, you could use them $6 for both to use for fucking use raise. She shaves her pussy. You shave your fucking face. You could sniff her little monkey on your fucking razor. That's a party where I come from. You know what I'm saying? Right in the shower, you're shaving your mustache, you're trimming your little Hitler, and you're banging one out. You're following me with Dollar Shave Club. The peppermint wipes, they burn your ass. That's a $9 package, which isn't bad.

If you got a hemorrhoid, you can't use the peppermint. But if you don't have a hemorrhoad, bust out that candy cane asshole, somebody's sniffing that fucking muffler. For $9, you get the easy wipe, you get the razor, you get the shaving butter. $9 a fucking month, people. $9 a fucking month.

Are you kidding me? That's $108 a year for shaving products and all your shit so for 200 a fucking year you got the television Hulu and you got that shit

Who's better? What do they got to do? They got a press in church Where? At dollar shaveclub.com That's it. That's how easy I make it for you. $6 or if you're fucking broke

whatever I understand. Get the $1. Raise a package. One fucking dollar it ships right to your house. You don't have to leave You can go to CVS and stand behind some fucking guy with a turban who smells like fucking onions and hummus.

You don't need that shit in your fucking life. You don't need that shit. You know, the fuck league. You're sitting there? That's it. I love you guys. I want you to do the best you can. I'll tell you's all about to know I won't see you with the tutoring.

I'm excited. I'm like a little fucking kid. You know, I'm sick and tired of being stupid. And listen, this ain't going to make me any smarter. I'm not going to be as stupider. Is that a word stupider? Did you say As stupor?

Yeah Spanish No well yeah It can't hurt you Yeah can't hurt man Knowledge is power Right or wrong They said I'm

Doory the Explorer All the fucking time Knowledge is power bitches As long as you got that going on I feel we make them back to school Coming on And I'll tell you what guys I hope you learn something today

And what you learn today is Don't fucking quit Don't let nobody fucking Write out your dream Not at all Think it all suck your dick At the end of the fucking Listen

If you keep working hard, they ain't going to fucking stop you. If you keep putting fucking bullets in your gun, they're not going to stop you. It's just ammunition. When people tell me no, it feeds my fucking ego. It feeds it. Really, you don't want me? I'm going to work hard. And when you do see me, you fucked up.

You made a fucking mistake. That's it. You know, don't let nobody stop your dream. They're making a mistake. Say a prayer for them and hopefully they'll get hit by a fucking train or something like that. What do you got for me? Leave it down. That's it, dude.

I mean, I love you guys. That's it. Don't fucking quit. Don't let nobody fuck with you. You just heard from my. Mari, Halmitsi, I tell you all my fucking personal secrets. Fuck these motherfuckers in the ass. Take them all down.

Fuck them. It's Wednesday, the 25th. By the end of the year, you're going to do something with your fucking life. And if not, who gives a fuck? Get your dick sucked. And then the day on a fucking salute. All right. Who's better than you?

What do you got for the way? Nothing. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Free! Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows. Thousands! Any time anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus.

Free! When you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to JoeyDiaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And also don't forget to sign up for Dollar ShaveClub.com. You'll get high-quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshave club.com forward slash church or go to Joey Dias.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. And go to On it and get the whole fucking package completed, right? Have a great weekend.

Stay black. Joey and the flying Jew love you. Hit it Lee. Oh shit. Break out that Reefer. Tell that bitch he's going to work late. You're going to eat that ass. Oh shit.

Oh shit. What? Oh shit.