The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/26/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #11

Episode Date: September 28, 2012

Joey and Lee talk with his friend Mike who was with Joey in Colorado durring the cocaine "explosion." Listen to find out what kind of animal tranquilizer Joey used to take to relax.  Streamed live on 09/26/2012

What the fuck? The church of what's happening now is in full effect, bitches. Joey Cocoa Diaz, Lee Syatt, aka the flying fucking Jew. Put the music down. Little fucking Achilles' last stand on a beautiful Wednesday. Happy Yom Kippur to all the Jews in the house. You know, I love you, motherfucker.

Lee shows up without a yarmacan. He's eating fucking salami sandwiches or bacon on me and shit. It's Yom Kepaur. Cock suck. I have a little respect. You know what I'm saying? What can I say? Today's episode brought to you by fucking anti-Doloris's 100,000 milligram bites, these THC little things.

I like these people. They're all right. They also make 150 milligram bite, and they also make like a 2,000 milligram bite. When you say bite, what is that? Look, a little bite. Like a little fucking piece of sandwich. What's with the questions? You know what I'm saying?

Just a little munchkin. But they make these fucking 200 milligrams cheese cookies that taste like fucking ass. I had one on a plane. I thought I was one, you know, like a piece of cheese, like with a cookie. I had the fucking thing. It tastes like ass, but it fucked me up so much. I almost begged the stew of this to take the plane down. I was going to be like a Cuban in the 70s.

Hijacked this motherfucker to St. Louis cock's sucker. So if you go to a weed store, if you have access, go to anti-fucking whatever's. Ante Doloress is tremendous. Cheesecrackers. Fuck bang, chocolate. They don't show. They don't twit back. Fuck those bitches.

That's our new thing. fucking chocolate. Yeah, they fucking piss me off. I ain't going to give them no more fucking light. And they got good shit. The cookies and cream and the fire with the orange thing. They got this chocolate that's spicy. It fucks you up. But anyway, yomka pour from my fucking Jews out there. What's today about? You're supposed

to atone? You're not supposed to eat? You came in fucking eating cookies and shit. This is what the Jews have over Catholics. Like the Catholics have to go every week or to confess or... This is one day a year. This is one day a year. We don't eat for 24 hours. And then at the end of

We have bagels with locks and everyone feels good about themselves. But I fucking, I, this isn't, I don't mean, I don't want to offend anyone. But the reason why I didn't like it was the temple I went to, no one would go to for the whole year. And this week and last week, everybody becomes a Jew. And they'd come with a fancy suit. Sure, sure. And I'm like, why? I mean, you're coming here to be seen because you, you're not coming here because you like it.

I mean, I didn't like it, so I don't go. And if people want to go, they can go. But, I mean, it's just, it's like anything else. It's so fake. like anything else. You know, they go when it's time and they'll be shaking hands and meanwhile they sit in the first pew. They put an extra fucking 20 in the baskets. They shake the rabbi's hand.

Yeah, but meanwhile they're eating fucking black chicks. Have you found the black chick to eat at cock'sucker? Because I know it's driving you crazy. You little Jew motherfuckers like that black ass. I try but I opened with the fart in the face and I should bring that up later. No, no fart. I'm going to fix you up with a nice black chick. You need to, because you like them. You like a little brown shit. I know. I did it.

I know you're sexy. But you don't eat ass. That's a problem. No, I don't eat ass. That's a problem. You got to put that nose in their little muffling Go to town like a Jew. Put the Yamika over one eye like an eyepatch. And you fucking meant it to me on girls that look like that. Because when we have coffee, it's hot.

And girls are sweating. And there's like a chival. Are you fucking half a fruitcake girls are sweating? That's the colon of the asshole. That's the cologne of the asshole. You fucking mook is the girl's sweat. That little monkey sweat. That's why you want to eat up some pussy after she runs eight of nine miles.

But anyway, it's Yomka poor. And that's all that matters. You know, it's a time for second chances and atonement and all that shit. So get your fucking lives together, you little filthy fucking Jews. Besides that, I'm pissed off about Suns Anika. I don't know what the fuck happened last. I'm sitting there fucking a cookie deep in, stone to the gills. Next thing, you know, Gemma beats up some fucking little ugly hooker.

But then, Opie's done. R-I-P-O-P. A lot of people hit me up on, too. Don't be a spoiler. Listen, bitches. Suns Anagie comes on every fucking Tuesday at 7. I don't give a fuck what you got to do. get to the TV and watch it. Whenever I want to watch something on TV, I make fucking time for it, okay?

I don't DVR it. I devr it, I'm so I go watch them later, but I watch them and get it over it, so nobody comes up to me. So don't say nothing. I'm taping it. I don't give a fuck. We're not going to fucking talk about it, you fucking moot. Don't be a spoiler. Don't, no, no, fucking listen. I'm going to talk about shit, all right? So that's what happened last night. Opie got hit by three fucking black guys in the fucking head. I'm supposed to be excited here. You know, people like I shed it here. There was some fucking momo on there this morning. I don't think I could watch. It's television. You dumb fuck.

You know what I'm saying? It's television. You watch it. You get entertained. It's not the best television, but it's fucking television. All right, and that's it. That and breaking bad is all I watch.

That's really. Because everything else blows. Let me tell you something. I didn't talk about this Monday morning. I talked about this in a beauty and the beach podcast with Chris McGuire. Let's get this shit out of the way. The other night, I'm sitting fucking there.

My wife, listen, guys, you're married. You got two or three TVs in your house. Your wife watches one thing. You watch the other thing. Sometimes you don't watch TV at all. I'm watching. in the fucking night, walk by it's 5 to 8

and the Grammys won. Whatever the fuck. The Emmys, yeah. I watched the beginning of the Emmys. Now, Jimmy Kimmel, I love this fucking guy. I watched the show. I always watch this. He was going to be on in the night, and I'll watch Jimmy Kimmel. I'm a fan of his. But they did a sketch in the beginning. Lee, this what kills me about this shit. If you laugh

at that sketch, shoot yourself in the fucking head right now. I was listening the next day, and the people on the news, oh, they were a funny fucking sketch. You know what it cost to shoot that sketch? About 300,000 with salaries and scales and all that shit. And they had 20 motherfuckers in there. All two or three of them supposed to be funny weren't fucking funny.

And I guarantee the people who wrote it. Like, that's what I like. Like, oh, God, we're flying in Joe Bananas from Idaho to write this sketch. He's such a crazy comedy writer. And that's what they fucking give you. And I've watched the beginning of it. And this is what's sad that I sat there and listened to people laughing with their stupid fucking tuxedo on in their fucking sheepish fucking mode of all year

because the sheepest fucking thing you'll ever watch. And people are like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Botox. Well, that's a fucking L.A. joke because all these momos are walking around looking like, uh, what's the fucking Jew chick with their face is frozen. In 10 years, if your face ain't fucking frozen from the surgery, you're not going to work. I was being proud for years. I'm like, look at this ugly face. By the time I get to be 45, I'm going to be in fucking movies. No, no, no. Because now I got to put Botox in my eyebrows. I got to pump my eyes out like a fucking frog. If you don't look like Mickey Rock all fucked up,

you can't work no more. And I love Mickey Rock. No disrespect to Mickey Rock. But that's what they're doing. Like, oh, my Botox, what am I going to do about me? Get it together. Go to the fucking gym. What the fuck? You know, a couple of years ago, the reason why I lost weight league was I went to a doctor. I go to a heart doctor, Dr. Soleimani, great fucking guy.

Okay. And this guy, one time, took it. He goes, you know what? You're heavy. But your heart's in great shape. You don't only have a couple of black spots on there from the fucking sleep apnea. He goes, I'll pay for you to lose the weight. It inspired me so much because he goes, he would give me that gastric bypass.

Yeah. You know, listen, I understand there's people that are heavy. But gastric bypass, you're fucking with your fucking body. Oh, it's scary. Right now, I went to 7-11 this morning, get coffee. 4.45. I've seen the fattest fucking dude across the street walking around the park. That dark fucking park there.

Yeah. And only in whatever. If you want to lose weight, that's what needs to be done. You got to push yourself away from the fucking table and exercise. You go down there, you could chop your fucking stomach. You could do all this shit. Chop your ass. Get a vaginal rejuvenation.

When you're 50, you're fucking 50. and you look 50. So nothing you're going to do is not going to make you look 50. Be proud of your fucking age. I got white hair. I die at once in a while for an audition. We don't want that much white hair.

I love fucking white hair. I'm old. What do you want me to do? You want me to walk around with a tattoo and a t-shirt with a goate with fucking jeans to try to be dirty? Go home, mend the fucking sweater

is that if that's you. I'm going to be 50 in February. I'm fucking proud of it. Look at this fucking ugly face. I would never do nothing to this or chop up. I could chop up a bunch of fucking things. I can fill the marks in,

the pot marks. I look like James Overwood almost And 30 years of coke picking my face with a fucking tweezer But I'm not gonna fucking fix it So, you know what I'm saying? If you're 50, act like you're fucking 50 You're gonna walk around with those designer jeans With two buttons on the back

Like you're a young kid That's why when you go to Vegas I feel like fucking puking at night When I walk around I see all these old people Standing on line for a fucking club Go upstairs You don't sleep You dumb fuck

What are you gonna do in here? You ain't got no blow You're gonna go over with that cheap fucking cologne On and talk to young girls You ever smell cologne If you're a man and you put cologne Don't shoot yourself right fucking now. You're supposed to, like, wash with something,

like an Irish spring or something, put, like, skin cream on. But once you put that fucking cologne, you walk around looking like a fucking goat, like some fucking foreign fucking goat. Those foreigners are allergic to water, but they love to put fucking cologne on. And they put cologne on over fat, sweat, and armpit. Fucking get it together, bro.

Wash your fucking armpits, you nasty motherfuckers. When I see a guy with, like, a nice cologne, that's over. There's nothing to fucking talk about. You're a fucking phony with that fucking cologna. You want to have that natural sense. Women like the musk. That's why scratch your fucking nuts at three in the afternoon.

That's what your body's supposed to smell like that. Why behind your ears? Wrebe behind the ears. Women go fucking bananas right under your nose. Like a football player in the eyebrows. But the point of the thing being is, you know, be happy. I'm a fat fuck. I can do a thousand times.

I can go do steroids. I'd go chop my stomach up and get a plug and fucking put plugs in my ass to get tired of. You are what you are. What was that one about? I don't fucking know. You go to the gym, bro, and you do the best we can fucking do. You eat some carrots. You push yourself away from the table.

You know, you put skin cream on, you do this shit. You put cucumbers on your eyeballs. Many time you start fucking around with nature, you're going to fuck stuff up. When I was a kid, and you hit Joy Fullado the other day talking about steroids and shit. A lot of my buddies did that shit. And I tell you what, I used to think about it. And a couple times I ate those little fucking anabars and shit. Like, I was getting prescriptions from a doctor for blowing those days.

Tremendous deal. This doctor's still alive in Miami. I still call them every once in a while to thank him. I would bring him blow and he gave me prescriptions with fucking steroids, of oral steroids, and I'd give them to my friends and shit. And I never understood if you're not going to be a professional athlete or you're not going to really need them. You're going to shoot steroids to do what?

To go down the Jersey Shore and walk around with those fucking mommores. You're going to shoot steroids basically to get VD. That's it. And to get beat up. Because if you ain't a fucking savage, it's going to get come out anyway. You're walking around with that thing, a tattoo around your neck. Somebody's going to bit slap you eventually. Yeah.

So what the fuck? all this shit with the fake fucking jeans anyway and it for you you must feel proud about looking 50 because you never thought you'd get this old to be no i never thought i'd be fucking 38 that's why i never planned for the future that's why all this shit babies and cars and fucking houses i didn't even plan for this shit yeah i didn't think i was gonna make it lee and then i found somebody who took me to the next fucking chapter and gives you a reason to fucking live you know i'm going on five years without doing blow and i sit here sometimes and i go that's you if you met me then and you see me now

but I knew that if I would stop getting high, my life would move forward, and it really did in a lot of ways. You know, that's why sometimes I don't smoke weed for a few days because I seem by me quitting to blow. And you know, it's funnyly, I didn't need a therapist, I didn't need an A-A-Com, so I didn't need a fucking rehab or a hug. It was all with a cat. That little super bad cat, I almost died, and I prayed.

Until this day, I cannot fucking believe. I don't do blow. I cannot fucking believe that. Yeah. You know, so I'm very fucking, and I'm coming up. on it for five years and I'm sitting there going what the f fow how did this happen but you know I'm happy I'm in a place where I'm very happy and I see people and I see it for what they are so funny how the last couple days I'm gonna get hit from people that wouldn't even talk

to me wouldn't even talk to me with podcast and shit and you know what I don't want to do nothing because if you didn't give me love before now I'm not gonna give you the fucking love you deserve for me they hit me oh I didn't know you wanted to do the podcast let's be fucking friend fuck you bitch yeah you fucking knew about me for the last fucking 20 years but everybody thinks they're fucking better than somebody and now this podcast the flying jew gave it a little heat and now everybody wants to be your fucking friend only in l.A these people got no fucking dignity you know what I'm saying if you don't I'm the type of guy I won't hang with you even if you got the best fucking weed if I don't like you and you got the best weed I got no

reason to talk to these motherfuckers will hang with you for no fucking reason like those people at the fucking emmy's the night laughing at those idiots doing that and you know I love jimmy but even who writes this shit who sells this shit to the next thing network. You look at these network television shows and you ask yourself, what the fuck is really going on? Besides Louis, sons of anarchy, breaking bad, what the fuck is really going on? Really? We want to see fucking what's her name's ex-husband, do a stand-up show. We got 10 million fucking stand-ups. We got Brody Steven sitting at home. All you have was put a camera on them, but they give fucking that guy, Russell Brand, the fucking comedy show.

Oh, that looks awful. Really? Really? Who watches that shit? A bunch of fat chicks that like a skinny, dirty motherfucker with a fucking English accent. Really? Really, that's what we want to see in this fucking country. You can see, we think that if we hang out with a foreigner or with an accent, it makes us cooler or smart. You ever call an agency in L.A.? No. Call a fucking agency.

Hi. Welcome to International Artist Group. Go fuck yourself. Put the fucking white people on, cock, sucker. If I want to talk to England, I'll call Benny Hill or something like that. What the fuck? But it's everything to be different, to be fucking cool. No, no, we hired in England.

It's like in the 70s. It was cool to have a black friend to show people that, you know, I'm liberal. Now you've got to have a Hindu friend with sandals. Who the fuck hangs out with Hindus with fucking sandals? But now in college, that's why everybody, I'm Z. I'm Z. I'm Zah, I'm Zahari. He's very funny.

But 20 years ago, I'm Ziam Zari. Couldn't walk around. People saying, what the fuck is that Hindu doing with fucking sandals? But now, if you don't have a foreign fucking friend, forget it. Oh, my God. You're not cool. You always got invited. Oh, this is my friend Mahoud from Sri Lanka.

Your name was Max last week. Yeah, it was Max Lasz. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking momos. I was actually thinking about this, and I don't know what you think. Do you think TV like this is like some... It just feels like it's a distraction for something. It's not a conspiracy theory or anything, but all this TV is just garbage. And it just...

600 fucking channels. You sit there at night, you can't watch a fucking TV show. Yeah. 600 fucking channels. You pay 100-something a month to get entertained. You know, and it's great. I love fucking putting TV on, like, late night cable, and there's like an old movie on, you know, the other day I watched Death Wish, and that's great.

But I pay $100 a fucking month to watch Death Wish. The movie's 80 fucking years old. Once in a while, you watch 24-7 with the fucking crazy black dude that smacks his fucking cousin and the whole thing that, you know, that family just came out of jail, the black dude. With 50 cents talking on money. Okay. You know, I watch that shit. I watch Breaking Bad.

I watch Lewis C.K. I watch Sons Anarchy. I watch the news in the morning, the weather report, the traffic. You know, I don't even drive half the fucking time. I watch the traffic to tell people. I call my friends and say, hey, don't go on the 401. on for this traffic. Why? Just don't go. I'm watching TV. I'm talking about your business. Go the other way. Or cancel the motherfucker. I hate driving. They called me last night at 7 o'clock to go to an audition

on Fifth Street in Santa Monica between 10 and 1. Do you know all the shit I got on my plate today? I'm leaving tomorrow for Baltimore. Okay? So remember, if you listen to this, the Baltimore Comedy Factory, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 27th to the 29th. Then I got to go to the doctor at 10 with my wife. Okay. I got to go to Dr. 10. From there, I was thinking about buying a fucking car today and getting it over with. Yeah, that's great. Then from there, I got a one fucking 15 callback in Hollywood, which I don't mind going to it's commercial.

I got to go fucking trim my fucking wig anyway. Look at this mop. It's getting longer than shit. Then I was going to sit down with you, go over testicle testaments, and do the show tonight. No, they call me for a fucking audition on Fifth Street in Santa Monica for some fucking J.C. Penny shit. And listen, you know what? I love, by the way, I'm smoking the vogue.

Vapor, Eureka, vapor from NoHo Organics. Throwing fucking heat. Visit them on Burbank Boulevard. I still got this one. I got the backup tube. This fucking oil won't burn. Sure, just in case I got to sit here with no lights on for three fucking days. Everybody else is fucking around, walking around.

I'm smoking dope like a sergeant. It's not just a soldier anymore. Not like a sergeant. Then they find me. They see the fucking clouds and they find Uncle Joey. See, if I would have had dope and Katrina, see, if you live in New Orleans, you put a little weed in your sock. with the fucking papers and a baggie.

That's how I made the swim from Cuba. You would have been on the roof with them smoking? Smoking like a motherfucker. Sending up smoke signals. Not only with a fucking army came at me, but Indians would have came and got me. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it.

But I'm surprised you didn't just go to the audition until the yell of them. For people who don't understand, trying to get to Santa Monica at 10 in the morning, is murder. Everyone at six lanes that don't move. People, you have no idea. Wherever the fuck you live, you have no idea where this is the drive.

in the LA, especially that thing called the 405. There's 19 lanes, nobody's moving. Everybody's looking around the mountains. Look how beautiful. It's a beautiful fucking day. Step on the cock, sucker. Me, I get in that HOV land, I take my chances. I don't give a fuck. That's a $300. That's $400,000. That's $4.60.

And $4.60 if you cut in without the fucking thing. That's 920. I don't give a fuck. Plus 100 for court costs. Another 50 for the victim compensation fund. Another $20 for the blind kid and fucking Pomona that fell off the track. You know, they'd rape you the fucking death with

in charges. Like the $25 ticket for talking on the phone? Yeah. That's not $25. That's $2.80 once you fucking get that. Of course. You got to pay for the judge's hair cut. And his mother's fucking corn removal.

You know, I need dead shit in my fucking life. But then you got to get down there. It's not just getting down there. It's parking. Then I got to fucking put 19 fucking quarters in there because these angry black chicks will give you a fucking ticket. You see those angry black motherfucking women in Santa Monica? I give tickets.

Angry. Angry. got six kids, the brother left. They got that fucking corn row. They got the nails. They go crazy in front of a red lobster. Black people go fucking bananas at Red Lobster. It used to be Popeyes on a Tuesday or whatever.

Scratch that shit. Have you gone to Red Lobster? No. You go to Red Lobster on a Friday. Packed with black people dressed in the Nines. You think it's a Soul Train audition. It's fucking amazing, dog. I love it.

I love going to Red Lopser looking at the brothers and the sisters will tear that fucking... Let me tell you something. You want a date of a boy? like you, take her the red lobster. Buy one of those foo-foo drinks with the pineapple sticking out. They will suck your dick from here back to the Congo. You'll take that raft and have them blow you right back to Africa. They'll put fucking bones in your ears.

You'll be the first black fucking Jew. You follow them? Oh, Jesus. You'll be the flying black Jew instead of just the flying Jew. With a little brown on your nose. You follow me from sticking that fucking nose and the moupler and sniffing that asshole. That's what you need to do. Change you'll make your eyebrows grow, cock sucker.

I don't know about that. Anyway, I want to congratulate. One of my other, listen, man, I'm really fortunate. I'm involved with, I don't hang out with nobody the fuck I like. You know, when I first got to L.A. from 97 to 2005, I didn't hang out with nobody. I didn't like, but I had to be around a bunch of these fucking Two-Face motherfuckers. Yeah. What's made me be a better person in the last three years, I don't put up with shit no more.

I don't give a fuck. I was looking for a job when I found this one, and I suggest for the roast to you motherfuckers to keep that attitude. When you go to work, don't take shit from nobody. You are looking for a fucking job when you found that one. You understand me? Don't put up with that because it will make you sick to your stomach. It does. You know, you make you sick.

The more you sit there and think about it, and part of my addiction, I'm not going to sit here and say to you, oh, no, because I snorted it. No, I snorted coke because I like to snort fucking coke, okay? With three fucking hands, I snorted off women, deadies, assholes. I don't give a fuck. But one of the things that had me, the last three or four years in my addiction,

was living in this fucking dump. Not the dump, but the people that had around me, the people that shake your hand, and they giggle. I've avoided those people out of my life, and it's made me a better person for doing it. You know, people say, well, I don't like him or he don't like me or whatever. I just don't hang out with fucking scumbags. I don't want them around me. I have honor amongst thieves. If somebody stabs somebody and rips their fucking wig off and lights on fire, but he tells me, he looks me to my face and tells me as a man, I'll stick it out with you.

I'll do anything. I don't give a fuck. One of my brothers comes up to me, one of my friends comes up to me, Lou, you, you get a black chick, she farts in your face, she had broccoli the night before, you get pissed off. If you stab her, you come to me like a man and tell me, I will go all the way with you, I will up you to the end. The first time I find out you're lying to me,

I will stab you too and dump you in the fucking hole with her because there's friends, you've got to be honest with people. These motherfuckers here, you got coke, no, I don't have nothing, and then they hook up with a chicken. They had coke all night. I don't want to hang out with those people. So I made a decision in 2000-fucking six. to stop it and it made my coke to getting off it easier because that's what was bothering me

that was around people that hey with that fucking look on their face with a fake tattoo I don't need that shit so I stopped hanging out with these people and I surrounded myself with people that love me and I love them one particular guy is a Jew by the name of Ari Shafir I love Ari Shafir I love I got a card on my wall that he gave me as a compliment years ago for helping 10 years ago it's still on my fucking wall wow that card means more to fucking me than anything in the world any check I ever got any movie because I helped somebody he was an open mic and I used to talk to him on Sunday night until I used to host and we became friends and Ari's a Jew hippie and I understand Ari because I've

grown up with Jew hippies especially when I live in Colorado but this guy got the number one CD in the country and I can't tell you how proud I am yeah you know I talked them into tape and his storyteller show so I could have testicle testaments on the line and he could have storytellers so it's a natural thing going we lock it up. Our goal is to lock up that whole fucking system. All these Dead Squad guys from Red Band to Ari to Duncan, I mean, Duncan,

I didn't talk to Duncan for years. He was involved in a relationship. He wasn't working at the store. Ever since I put Duncan back in my life, we've had, my life is better. I have more understanding. You know, I got Joe, I got Duncan, I got Ari, I got you, I got great people around. I got fucking Felicia Michaels. She's a trooper. She's great.

We're trying to put a new podcast together with that dirty bitch, because I love it a debt. And then Cigura is also on the iTunes coming The Guru is on iTunes. We got all these people, and guys, I know their heart. When I woke up yesterday and seen Ari's CD was number one, my fucking dick got out. I got tears in mine. I called them right away.

I'm like, Yom Kippoor Cox. You're number one. This is a real Jew fucking love right here. Yeah. So thank you for supporting Ari and making them number one. Thank you for making Tom's deGroa number four. Thank you for supporting our testicle testaments. Like number 12 or something like that the guy said last night.

Yeah. And thank you for supporting the podcast. This means the world to me and Lee. We're still going through the fucking sponsors So stop with the fucking emails Lead does not need a fucking webpage So whoever the fuck it is that keeps sending that like that I don't want a fucking webpage

I got Joeycocodias.net You got T-shirts, you got cups, you got explosives, you got weed You got pictures of my dick on there What else do you fucking need? I can't build two fucking webpages And I have Facebook, Twitter I give you my life on fucking Twitter

I write everything on if you know The only thing I don't do is take pictures Instagram because of fuck that shit But I give you everything the fuck out. Now I got to build another webpage. If we need something, we'll get to you, okay? Lee comes to me, this kid wants to build a web, I got 10 web pages. Go online.

There's 10 fucking, if you paid anything to do with me, Joey Karate, this, I don't, talk, I don't even want the fucking Joeycocodias.net. The only reason why I go to it is because Felicia fucking made it for me as a gift. I got the t-shirts on there. Joe Rogan put stay black, and if it's not blue cheese, go fuck your mother. The t-shirts are on there,

so go on joeycocodias.com. By the way, people, I had Stephen Avillo call him today. Stephen DeVillow is a kid I grew up with. Went to my mother's fucking funeral. This is how long I know, Steve. Big music, he's in a band called The Pastmasters. They're playing in Jersey in Long Island. Steve couldn't call because he's taking his daughter to college today.

But I got a guy calling him from Colorado. His name is Mike. I've known Mike since 1983. He was with me for the cocaine explosion when I used to fly the New York with guns and bring fucking Coke back. He's going to call on a few minutes here. So we've got to bang up.

We're going to talk about a new book called American Desperado. And I talked about that guy, Stephen Grable. I talked about on the Joe Rogan podcast. I got blown up December 8. Yeah. In 1985, he was playing tennis. And he would usually give somebody $10 to start his car to scrape the ice off. That night he got cocky.

He went out and started the fucking car. Boom. Oh, Jesus Christ. He died. And very interesting. You know, it was really weird as a kid to love. learned that here I was from New York City, Hudson County, New Jersey. I thought I was big and bad.

I went to Aspen, Colorado. I thought it was John Denver walking around with Sandals and a bunch of Hindus playing bongos. But no, it was the number one cocaine. I mean, I went into the mouth of the fucking lion. And I lived in Aspen in Snowmast until November of 87. When I high-tailed it to fuck out of it. No, November of 86, I high-tailed it to fuck out of Aspen. I went back to Boulder.

but I couldn't run from my sins because not even a year later I got arrested for the kidnap. So you pay for everything in this fucking life. So back to the fucking Emmys, those cocksuckers. I don't watch that shit. You know, and it's like you got all these comedians, great comedians sitting at home, riding from Bobby Slayton to fucking Brody Stevens. They can't write a sketch. They could have wrote a sketch 80 times better than that and saved $100,000.

because they're dealing with egos. The people I don't like. All these fucking people are, oh, my God. He wrote this for eight years ago. That was eight years ago, bitch. Yeah. Anybody who knows comedy knows it's a fucking collaboration. Every Monday on W.E.

On Channel 20, it's a local station here in L.A. I watch fucking The Honeymoorers, and I sit there with tears rolling down my eyes because I see what... Only two writers wrote that. Really? Two light-skinned fucking Jews wrote that and Jackie Gleasona wouldn't rehearse.

And the rest was improvised. The rest was Ed Norn. It was a great cast. And that's how I learned the best. It's a fucking comedy. You want to watch fucking comedy? Watch sampling, son. Go online.

But now it sucks because some fucking black activist bought him and chopped them all up. So he doesn't say nigger and all that shit. Oh, really? Oh, my God. There's one episode where he goes to court. Oh, yeah. Remember I showed it to you. He's like, look all these niggas and they.

Listen to them niggins and they'll make a Tarzan movie. Who's that? What's up, buddy? Hey, man. You ready? Yeah, Mike. How are you? Are you fucking ready, cock-socker talking to me like that, bitch.

Dude. How are you, my friend? I know you're ready. What's up? You're always fucking ready, right? Oh, my God. Mike, how are you today, my friend? I'm good.

What's up? Is the church of what's happening now? He fucking knows. He knows. We've been together for years. Mike, how long do I know you? And it's been since the 80s, and I've lost track of you off and on ever since then.

Just when I think you're out of my life, you're back fucking again. We were kids when we met, weren't we? We were in our 20s, in, I had a, I was house sitting a house in Snowmass Village, Colorado, 435, far away road. That's what it was. What do you remember for those days, Mike? Oh, man.

Well, first off, you know, snowmast, 10 miles away from Aspen, a little bit of a different vibe. But when I first met you, Joe, what I remember is I'm working at a pizza place, and this is at the little shopping center where all the families come in. Snowmass is where the families came to ski. and Joe's running the video rental store in there. And on a Sunday afternoon, I hear Scarface at full volume, echoing down the hallways, you fucking fuck. How you like me now?

I'm looking out there and I'm seeing these rich white people looking around with their shopping carts and they're going, what the fuck happened at Snowmass Village? Remember the city market? I used to shoplift from there every fucking day. If it wasn't for city market... Go ahead, Joe. Go ahead, I'm sorry.

Well, I was going to say that place you were house sitting. That was great. I mean, beautiful home right next to this ski slope. I still do this day. I don't know how you lined up that job of house sitting. But, you know, at first we're going over there. I'm helping you out doing the yard work. We're staying out of the main house.

Joe and his girlfriend at the time have a nice little quarters that they stay in away from the big house. And then, you know, the shit just kept getting weirder and weirder from there. We had a fight. That was a huge house. man. Oh, man. It was a great house. It was just far enough back there that we could do whatever we wanted and pretty much

not be bothered. But now when the whole guns for cocaine trade started up with you, that's when the shit started getting really crazy. And now you were there for the whole thing, correct? You know what? As much as either one of us could remember what happened back then, I was there for a lot of it. And I know that there's some stuff that probably both of us blanked out.

but I remember like Joey would go to, you know, he's from Bergen, he's from back east, he had connections, and he had connections here in Aspen, and Atten at the time, and he would fly out, you know, imagine this now. It seems really crazy even to say this now, but flying out with guns and trading him from below and coming back. The same day. Yeah, yeah. We would leave at, I would, you guys would drive me to the airport at like eight or the night before.

No, I would leave that day. I would go from Aspen to Denver, Denver to Newark. I would have, I'd buy the guns in basalt. I'd a fucking thing with no license. I'd buy 9mm for $400, and I'd sell them for 7 with bullets, and a Miami Vice fucking holster. How many guns? I would take 10 back with me at his time, 8 guns back with me.

And how would you pack them? I would pack them in my luggage and not say a fucking word. Check them in like I own the fucking joints. Jesus Christ. I go land at 11, go to the kid's house, Give him the guns, pick up the blow, pack it, get back on the fucking plane, and be back in Colorado by 8 o'clock, and he would be at the airport picking me up. There would be people in Colorado wanting to know.

Is Joey back? Is he back yet? Is he back? Hey, where is he? But, yeah, that old thing, man, I mean, it just blows me away back then. A, that you even thought to do it. And, B, you did it all the time, and it was without a hitch. I mean, you know, I saw some of the pistols, and I'm looking around,

and I'm thinking, man, you know, this has taken it up a couple of, levels here now that we got guns involved i mean it's not like we weren't doing enough shit you know as far as the local crime wave goes but now it's like we're going to spread a little violence back east too you know i feel bad for my actions from 83 to 86 in that little market there because they were the nicest warmest people in the world and i was just a fucking animal you know i have a friend felicia michael's mike and she's the sweetest thing in the world and every once in a while i to remind you know I don't know if you know this I'm a fucking animal like that shit doesn't mean a fucking word to me I'm not even listening and those times I mean

how many nights that we fucking stay up Mike how much below are we doing give these people I mean I asked you yesterday if you were there the night we dumped the four ounces of coke because I don't remember dumping four ounces of coke man I that would have been a hard choice to make you must have been fucking major worried to dump four ounces below yeah by the crestwood with Carl Hall used to work. We had the condo up there. Oh, okay. I had my house, but I had the condo up there with a safe. We had the safe with the scale,

the guns, and the blow up there. And we go up there and do blow. Okay. And one night we're doing blow, and I could see curtains moving in the building across from me, in the paranoia. And there was a fire hydrant. So Carl was from North Carolina. He's kept saying, they got dogs. So I dumped the four ounces of fucking Coke. And we find out that that fucking dog was a fire hydrant. And we're sitting there licking the fucking toilet all night.

You know, 25,000 in the fucking hole. Because those ounces at those days, when I was getting them up there, were $18,800. The reason why I was making the flight to the West Coast, East Coast, I was getting ounces for $800, clean. Wow. So just for making the trip, I would make $1,000 per ounce. But fuck it, why do that?

I'd throw a little cut on that shit, and I was really making money. But we weren't making nothing, Mike, because it was snowing everything. Well, I remember, first off, Carl was probably 10 times crazier than anybody else that lived in that area at the time. And that is fucking saying a lot. That's when Stephen Grabeau got blown up by a pipe bomb sitting in his Jeep at the Aspen Club. I mean, crazy was pretty much every fucking day.

Everybody there did blow back then. But Carl was king on his own. But I can remember sitting over in the house, in the big house, after one of your trips. to the East Coast, and we're sitting there. And I don't even know what time it is, and Joey's got all these different piles, and he's like, now, which is better? A or B?

And you get, A or B? Or C? I felt like Lawrence Taylor was about to fucking jump out of my chest. I'm flatting, my eyes are dilated. I'm looking over, and Joey's, like, adding a little bit into this pile, adding a little bit into this, though. Okay, let's try this again.

Now, give me your honest answer. I fucking couldn't have told anything. I didn't sleep for days. For days. Do you remember when I got the cat piss? Remember when I got the Coke that tastes like cat piss? And everybody was returning it because it was burning everybody's nostrils out and shit. I kept smelling like, fuck it.

It was nothing. People like, how do you snow? We all got nasal infections. Yeah, that shit didn't slow us down. One of the funniest things I remember is Joey had, you know, I don't think Joey ever had a dog before. So he gets in Colorado and he's like, I'm going to fucking get my own dog. And he gets a big old German Shepherd, and he named him Hercules. And so Hercules is a.

staying over in the, you know, the guest department side of this big house. And we're doing blow left and right. And Hercules is chasing his fucking tail. Clickety, clickly, click, click, click, click, and click. We're doing blow. Joe's like, Hercules, stop fucking chasing your tail. Dogs was right back and chasing his tail. Sounds like fucking cat dancing on speed or something.

So they decided to get the dogs some tranquilizers. One night me and my brother go over there to see Joe. And he'd taken the dog's tranquilizers. and Joey is like passed out on the couch and we're yelling at him. We're up next to his face. Joey, get up. And he's out.

No, no, no, no, no. Joey. Little finger twitches, that's it. Totally fucking out. We're like, oh, man, well, where the fuck's his stash? We couldn't even find his stash. We couldn't wake him up. We couldn't do shit with him the next day.

We're like, dude, we weren't sure if we needed to call a fucking hospital for you or just let you sleep it off. And he's like, oh, man, I ate some of my dog's tranquilizers. I did. They were from, remember in those days, Fort Collins. They're a veterinary college in Colorado. So the dog was six months old and 60 pounds. He had grown really quick.

I was making milkshakes. Me and him were making milkshakes. I was hitting the bag and lifting. And he grew like really fast and his leg was twisted. So I took him up there and they said what we'll do is to slow him down a little bit, give him the doggy downs, then we'll do surgery. Those fucking doggy downs were great. I would do a gram a blow, eat one of those doggy downs.

I'd be fucking sleeping in an hour. The doctor was. Fuck it. We don't fuck around, though. Open 24-7. I always talk about Stephen Grabo. I brought him up about a year ago on the Rogan podcast, and about three days later, I got a tweet from his attorney's son, Mike Robach.

Tell some of these people about Steve Grabo and what you remember about him. Well, that's right around. I think you'd been up there a little while already, but that's right around when I first got up. into that area. Everybody knew this guy. This guy had houses and cars and jeeps and everything. And basically, he was the kingpin or the Coke guys in that area, which was great. But also, he was kind of the middle stop for the stuff that was coming from Florida and going into California. So even, you know, he was part of kind of, he was a cog and a bigger machine there, too.

So everybody knew who this guy was. And apparently, you know, he was paranoid. He would like, and he would check his vehicle out before he would start it, or he would drive a different car every day. So one morning he's at the Aspen Club, and he gets done, and he's in a borrowed Jeep of his friends, and it's got a freaking pipe bomb in there, and it blows this dude up from the bottom up, and he is running out of that thing, headed towards the bank,

basically make a snow, and his, like, intestines are falling out. He's bleeding out on the spot, and he got it indicted, and the people down in Florida or the people back in Columbia, whoever said, I don't care how much business we've done with this guy. He knows things about it. Once he got indicted, that was it. They blew his ass up, literally. 45 days.

Let me read you the, they did an article in the Aspen Times about the drugs up there, and this is one of the Graybo case. On January 9, 1984, Federal agencies, the homes of Greybone, fellow Aspenite John Ranch. The Fed also cedes 1.4 million cash, records, several cars from Graybo and others. Then, over the next two years, the agents worked to tighten that case. They involved in the drug ring. And on November 85, all but Grabo pleaded guilty in return for sentencing.

According to news accounts, Grable was killed in December 1985 by a pipe bomb, placed in a borrowed car. Yeah, Aspen Club for a tennis match. I remember hearing the fucking boom. We were in Snowmass Village, and we heard the boom. And I fucking, the next day, they said, Graybo died. And it was funny because you had all these. these people that had taken over for Graybow, like all these people were now playing. Remember

they used to have the Snow Mask Club did the thing and they wanted me to be a member to do Coke. For me to deal with these certain people, I had to be a member of the Snow Mask Club because they transferred their coat through there. That was part of doing business with Greybow's people. It was like a Yacht Club or

it was like a country club. And then I became a volunteer fireman. That's the only way I could afford to be a, yeah. But I would get so coked up every time the sirens went off. I wouldn't fucking volunteer. I'm unvolunteered, motherfucker. Fuck you. I'm all fucked up, and there's a mattress on fire.

What do I give a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Call me when there's a cat in the tree or something in the daytime. So that was the problem. These guys wanted me. I mean, it got really weird because I cut into their action. And then they had that, remember, Keels and all those people from Mancato?

Remember, all those people were involved also. So the best story was when they took the one kid and they put bags over his head and took him down to Woody Creek. and they whipped out machine guns and told them they were the new dealers. I mean, we were around. I always talk about Willie Creek. Did you ever go to Woody Creek Tavern, Mike? I did a couple of times, and actually not to get too far off,

but I did see Hunter S. Thompson there. Fuck, yeah, we all did. I seen Hunter S. Thompson down there with Bill Murray one time. Oh, when he was doing that movie? Yeah, one world of the Buffalo Room, and then another time I seen him with Don Johnson and Glenn Fry. We used to go down there and get weed. Remember Cato?

Cato, what was his name? I forget what his real name was. Cato used to get us fucking go down there and get us weed. They had the... They had the nachos with the fucking chorizo in them. Tremendous, delicious. Like a soldier dog. What else do you remember, Mike?

If you could remember anything else from our... I mean, then we hooked up in Boulder. Because Mike knew my original wife. Mike knew my baby. Mike's been around for that long. Then we hooked up in Boulder and I was doing comedy. When we were eating V's. But every time me and Mike got together was always a snowstorm.

And Mike's married, I went to Mike's wedding. Right, Mike? And we did all these things together. We've been together since 85. So we're going on almost 30 years as friends. And Mike came out last year to L.A. And I met him downtown. We smoked a joint.

We went back to the weed store. And I came on co-case. Remember that, Mike? Tell these motherfuckers. That was great because I hadn't seen you in a long fucking time. And I hadn't seen your comedy act. since you started in Boulder. I saw Joe one of the first times he did comedy.

What was that steak place that you were at? The broker. You started out like you were at emcee. Yeah, yeah. We fired the magician. We fired the magician. There was a magician that was a host, and I won the Boulder Broker comedy competition.

They made me the host. And Mike used to come on Tuesday, because I used to sell Valiums down there. That's how I got people down there. Promoters put signs and flyers. Not me. I call people and say, listen, you want to buy Coke?

The best Coke in the world is going to be down there. There was no Coke down there. But I bring Valiums down. People come down and buy the Valemines and go, where's the Coke? It's here coming in 20 minutes. Wait until I finish my comedy routine. And they'd say, fuck you, you lied. And that was it.

That's how I promoted. It's been a long time, Mike. If you could get people to laugh on V's and alcohol, you're pretty fucking funny. And when was the last time we partied together in Boulder? I think the last time we partied together, we went to Pearls. And that was the night I seen Kent Vela, the guy I kidnapped. I finally came face to face of him at Pearls, and he was coked up to the the gills right and I went to give him my hand like dog I'm sorry I kidnapped he's like

no problem it happens all the time I go listen can you get me a gram a blow he sold me a fucking gram and a half a blow took me in the corner of pearls we did a couple bumps and that's the last time I see him now he's on Facebook and he don't want to fucking talk to me now like he forgets so what I kidnapped you that was 20 fucking years ago I think you were Christian cockeducket well I bet he told you the grab just because he didn't want to get kidnapped again but No, that night. You know, I... Go ahead.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, no. What I was going to say is, so, you know, the shit and ass with the guy was getting, you know, further and further out of control. Like, you know, I was done with drugs at some point. So at some point, I'm rooming with this guy down by the Snowmast Club. And I don't know what was going on between him and Joey.

I'm in my room. I hear the door open. I see Joey coming in with these other guys, and Joey looks at me, and he goes, Mike, this has got nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with you. Go back. So I go back in my room. I come out a while later, and the fucking coasters gone, lamps are gone, the blender's got, all kinds of shit's gone.

My roommate comes home, he's like, what the fuck happened? And I'm like, I don't know. He's like, where are you here? And I'm like, I don't know anything. I don't know what the beef was, what happened? But Joey just said, it got nothing to do with you. Step back, and he came in there, did his business. So then, like, what is it?

Was it three or four years later? I'm working at a store in Boulder, and I got my back to the counter. And I hear somebody say, how's that fucking halibut today? I'm like, fuck, that is Joey Diaz. I didn't even have to turn around. And from there, it was just back like old times again. You remember that shed you rented that you were lifting weights in? Yeah.

That storage unit. Yeah, in Boulder. When I was in the halfway house, I got a, I got a little gym, a garage for $40 a month, $35 a month. And what I would do is I couldn't have weed at the house because I was on probation. So I put it in the garage. And that's why I worked out. That was my little fucking, when I was in the halfway house, so I rolled a joint. and I would go there and work out, but I only take one hit off the joint and then turn it off because it wouldn't, I didn't want to give hot you weight.

I can't believe you still remember the fucking gym I had. For years, I had that little gym. I remember there must have been after you were off probation, but we're like smoking some fucking huge bones, and we're listening to Led Zeppelin, and we're lifting weights like we're fucking animals, and I'm thinking, man, you know, somebody's going to get hurt doing this shit. The other thing I remember is I ran into one of your probation officers, and I don't even know how this came. up but this guy's like oh you know Joey Diaz he's like we knew that guy was pissing nothing but pure vinegar back then to pass the UA's he's like we knew he was fucking doing it he's like nobody pisses that clear you don't get that

clear piss if you take water from the mountains but we never could call him on it I fucked them up a lot I used to drink gallons of water I used to put fucking vizina on my dick and fucking Drano I did everything I could to shut those motherfuckers down it was uh Mike we've been through some fucking crazy shit man and every time I see you then we work together remember when we were roofing oh my God so I get out of prison and I'm selling cars and I get married and my in-laws this is a great story my in-laws have a roofing company and they're like you want to come

roof do you have a friend and I worked first night I get got Mike a job we're getting 15 an hour Mike tearing off a roof we were in great shape we had a tear off a roof every day and put insulation and stone down. We got in the great show. We were darker than shit, but we worked with this old guy, and I used to eat granola every day.

Mike, take it from there. Oh, Jim. Jim. Jim was a temp guy to start off with, and Joey used to say, Jim, you got fucking cobwebs in the corner of your mouth. He had that white poop in his mouth. He had a cigarette hanging out,

and Joey would just torture Jim. But Jim loved it because it was attention and a beat sitting home watching, you know, Oprah with his wife, so he just fucking loves it. So one day, Joey's like, Jim, I'm going to do your favor. I'm going to beat you some fucking brownies. Oh, thanks, Joe. That'll be awesome.

You're the best, Joe. Next day after work, Joey's like, hey, Jim, the brownies are in your truck. We're all standing around. We're pretty soon we hear, oh, Jim. Joey, these aren't fucking brownies, Joe, and shit in a bag, shit in like a Ziploc bag, and shake it into brownies. And swished into brownies. And swished into brownies.

And give it the gym. Fuck you, Joe. Fuck you, Joe. Cocksucker, Joe. I shit. Now, he's so much granola then that looked like a brownie of walnut. I'll never forget that, man. We used to drive that truck with the three-speed.

Joe, these aren't brownies. Bro, but that guy loved us because he was retired. He was fucking retired. And he, this was his life. He had, like, a fat wife. Yeah. And he would come in. He'd be there first.

He loaded and he was 60-something was he not he was strong on the bull and he didn't give a fuck and we all fucked with him It was like four Irish guys me you the guy that wanted to be a cop from Jersey my brother-in-law the prowler You know that the prowler has broken the record for more DUIs in Colorado He's like the record how many I think he's at 17 DUIs or some shit Your ex-brother-in-law? Yeah, oh yeah The prowler could fucking drink dog The prowler that was his name the proud he had a wife and a kid he pissed in a kid one time

in his sleep. The kid was in the fucking crib. Okay. And he thought it was the bathroom. We just went out of him pissed on his fucking kid. That's when you know you're fucked up. Mike, any closing thoughts, cock sucker? No, man. It's great talking to you. I love the church of what's happening now. I just don't like it on Facebook. I'm going to love it on Facebook.

Thanks, man, for letting me talk to you today. Looking forward to hearing more of this stuff down the road. Chris, Chris was the guy we robbed, which is what has. happened towards the end like when I started selling coke up there was making a lot of money I was getting a thousand bucks per ounce plus selling cutting it and selling it in little pieces but I started snorting pretty soon it just became a snortisan so what I was doing was I was snorting I was making the investments for other people's money so let's say a quarter kilo of coke was 9,000 bucks in those days

I was getting I was borrowing money from people and saying Lee give me 5,000 and I give you 7,500 two days. You can't resist that late. You're going to make 10,000 a month off me. And I didn't give a fuck because I was playing with your money. Make a difference to me. As soon as I get off the plane, you got your money. So you get paid them? Yeah, I paid everybody. Okay. But I started getting too deep, and I started not paying people. So it's funny because towards the end, here I am in this

fucking terrible place in my life of becoming a cocaine addict with this girl. And Chris comes to me, the owner of the pizza place who turned out to become a cop. Did he not? He comes to one day and he's like a sheriff I think the sheriff he's like listen I want to invest in your business Like I'm looking at this guy like I can't believe this guy wants to invest in my fucking business this fucking idiot Sure enough he gives me like five thousand dollars and I snorted every piece of it And I didn't give him nothing I left on him you know I split town on him But I had split town I owed $40,000 when I split

You know and I started snort and coke in July of all of selling Coke in July of 86 correct Mike Mike by by by August I had 60,000 under my bed by November Thanksgiving that year I was minus 55,000 dollars just around town I know what that's like going up to you and say Lee I owe you 12,000 dollars in cash like and everybody was fronting me money because I was the Pied Piper so and it's funny because I left there I don't I'm I'm I'm I left there right before they were going to bust me. I mean, I was a week away from getting busted because a guy got caught stealing and Aspen.

I don't know if you were gone by then, Mike. A guy got caught stealing an aspirin and him and his wife turned over and they said they roll on drug dealers. So they had me out. And I didn't know about this until I got in trouble for the kidnapping and fucking Boulder. And they showed me the picture. So you never know who you're doing business with Mike. But Mike, I love you at all my heart. I'm happy you call today and I'm happy.

that we're still tight friends after fucking 25 years, you know? A lot of water, a lot of cocaine under this fucking bridge. I know your wife and I know your children. And I love you. So don't forget about me, all right? And thank you for being a supporter. And thank you for calling on and saying the truth, brother. Hey, man.

One last thing that I will say about Joey Diaz, and people already know this, is back when I met him, he's the first guy that I ever talked about having heart. And I know that that's something you believe strongly in. And no matter all the fucked up shit we did back then, I always knew you had heart and I always knew you had my back. All right, man, I love you.

I got your back. I got everybody's back that's back. I love you, Mike. Stay black and we'll talk next week, Cuck, sucker. Hey, white, America. Bye. Bye. It just hit me that you had a Coke Ponzi scheme.

Like that thing of Bernie Madoff went to jail for? You did with Coke. Yeah, it was fucking crazy. That was, and we were both, I'm 49 now, right? So that was 85. So what is that? That's 25 fucking years ago. I was 24.

We were kids. You're might. We were fucking babies. I didn't even think of working. I worked on a video store part-time. I was selling Coke. The owner didn't even know what I was doing. The owner had no idea what I was doing.

It was such a different life. And I'm happy that I lived it. I mean, I'm trying to get the other guy that was my roommate at the time, Jimmy Berkle to call. He's been in the hospital lately. So once he gets out of the hospital, I'm going to have him call. He's going to tell the stories about us fucking, and robbing the city market and eating all day off city market.

That's how broke we were. This was way before the coat. This is when I left New Jersey. But anyway, yeah, people are still fucking sad. They killed Opie people on Sons of Antiquet. What are you going to do? Three black guys, they fucking hit him in the head with a fucking pipe. Opie went for it, though.

He went in there like a fucking soldier. Everybody's upset. You know, the funeral's next week. So make sure you kill the fucking neighbor's wife next week and eat her pussy before you kill her. and put on black because it's sons of fucking anarchy next week. And that's it, brother. We have another fucking great week.

And I'm happy you talked me into doing this podcast. Yeah, me too. Great time, you know what I'm saying? What else we got to talk about? We got, uh, subscribe to the podcast, please. Subscribe. Very important that you subscribe. If we're going to make a move and take over these motherfuckers, we need John here.

Because we released another one this morning. So I didn't know for sure what the fuck was going on. But, uh, that's it. brother, Jan Kapoor. Don't forget that book we were talking about Steve Grabo. Mike forgot to talk about it's called American Desperado. It's on Amazon. It describes the guy who kills the C. Grable with a pipe bomb.

Very interesting read. I just read a couple chapters from it. Did Mike write it? No, no, no, no. Mike told me about it yesterday how fucking he had read the book about Grabo. I have never known that information was out. It was very interesting, bro. That shit was fucking interesting to be a kid and read about this guy.

that taken over up there, but it also showed me a lot about life that no matter how fucking rich you are, whatever, they're still going to get you, bro. And when you look back at it, you were kind of, I mean, stuff you always talk about karma and you got karma when you went to jail. But, I mean, you went to jail for a couple years. I mean, you're lucky you didn't get fucking blown up in your Jeep. Listen, bro, I was, you know, I always, there's a video online of me fucking around with Duncan saying devil worshipers because I know how fast you'd get involved in some. something. I know how fast, man. One minute you're selling weed or fucking ecstasy and next minute you're hanging out with a bunch of fucking Arabs and they're talking about 5,000 hits, about 10,000 hits. And when one guy takes his jacket off, you know he's got a gun in his fucking back.

And you just want to make a little money and get your dick sucked and go to bars and try to be half a big shot. But now you got yourself into a different league. And now what are you going to do? You're going to raise your hand? No, you're in it and you get caught up in it. And next thing you know, You're going to knock on your fucking door. It's either somebody with a gun or the fucking cops with a gun. They're going to take you away. You're sitting there going. I've seen it coming.

I've seen all this coming. How the fuck did I not react to it or whatever? But you can't, bro. You just get caught up in the wind of things. And that's the way life is. That's how you learn. By getting caught up in something. That's how you learn.

Now you look out for a lot more the next time. You follow? So when I have my friend, you know, somebody said to me, ah, I want to be a guest on your show. My show is basically about the people I grew up with. These guests, nobody could get these. fucking people because there are people I grew up with, the people that love me and I love them.

I got a lot of people I'm still tight with that won't do the fucking show because they're scared. They really are scared of talking about what they know. When you were talking about ferrying guns and on the plane, I was like, oh God, should Joe be talking about this? But I mean, this is what life what are they going to do? What are they going to do?

They got to look up the flights and what are they going to do. I didn't fly under my name in those days. This was way before. You didn't fly under your name? No, you didn't have to give me your fucking name. You paid cash at the fucking thing. You called you not, you call the travel agent. She made the plane ticket for you somewhere else on the fucking lead. Boom, boom, the

fucking Jew. I go down there, pay for cash and they give me the plane ticket under their name. When I got to an airport, I didn't fucking give them no air in those days. And what are these? This is way before fucking arrows were blown up planes and all this shit. Was there metal? Did a metal detector? No. They search you. You put your

bags through stuff, and that was in. I remember one time, I had the eight ounces rolled up in an envelope down my fucking pants. And I took my jacket off. Yeah. It was fucking August. And I had my jacket, and I forgot there was weed in there.

The guy took the jacket and felt it up and felt the weed and looked at it and put it back. And, you know, I almost got busted for fucking, join a fucking tieweed that I wanted to bring back. Oh, my God, tie weed. So that's the things that right there, I would have still been doing 20 years for interstate fucking travel. You know, I'm trying to get this one kid to call in. I've let the messages, and we've discussed it, you know, talking about it. you know, talk about a day right there on the other side of that he was the Coke dealer I was going to. Oh.

And he was telling me a story one night that we were so coked out for two days. His boiler blew up. Okay. So for two days, we snorted Coke with our fucking jeans rolled up in his house. Like we were fucking, you know, fishing. That was boiler water. We were walking for two fucking days. How bad is your addiction to be walking around, you know, with the drugs and the guns?

I go to the airport and just check the fucking guns in. That's it. How you doing, Lisa, yeah, here you go, bagging on the other side, I fucking get it. By the time, so I go down, and I had a cop also that was selling me confiscated guns. So I was taking, I had the best of all my... How did you meet all these people? When you're in that Coke and you're in that fucking thing, you just bump into these people that they know. Everybody's looking to make a fucking, you know, in those days I get your, I get you an ID.

I get your fake fucking, you know, in those days I get your credit card. friend that ran a bank and whenever they send credit cards out there would print two of them and keep one for them and one for you so once you activated your card we started fucking spending yeah we got a month to fucking spend you know in the 80s and the 90s if you stole a credit card in jersey and overnight it to california it would take a week because it would only cancel in zones so zone number one would cancel which is the east coast zone number two would be the midwest zone number three would be mountain and zone number four so if i sent you a card on Monday night. You'd have till Thursday

to fucking use it. Then computers came. Computers ruined fucking everything these cucksuckers. I was going to say, if you were born... 20 years later, you wouldn't be... You know, when you went to a Chinese restaurant, okay, so they didn't even run your card if it was under $50. Did they just order it down?

They just ran it through this thing. So unless they went through the booklet looking for fucking 6-9-6-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2. At lunchtime when you got 80 people on the fucking line, So they will call under the limit people. Under the limit means they're not going to run the card under $50. You could use that card from not a fucking St. Smiggin's vet.

You could use that card to fucking Yom Kippur in 2009. They won't know. And it's not like now where you can look at your credit card bill online. You'd have to wait to the end of the month. You got it in the mail. If there was suspicious activity, you'd get a call in those days, but you didn't call your cell phone. So if I was using your car at 10 in the morning,

and I don't have your work number, by the time you get the call at 6, I've already had a fucking party. I got my dick sucking. I ate some black chick, he fought it in my fucking face. You know, so it was a different time. And then I would get off the plane, bring the guns, they'd have the Coke ready. I'd do a couple lines, pack the Coke up, change outfits, always travel as a college student with skis.

I was always doing something. You changed outfits? Holy shit. Come on, go. I'd change outfits, put a college hat on, see you. So I would go as a college student. Why'd you come? My mom made spaghetti.

And I'd fucking go right back. And I'd land in Denver at 5. I'd have a layover in Denver and then I'd fly into Aspen. I'd be in Aspen by 8 o'clock. Mike and my ex-wife would pick me up. We'd go up to Snowmast Village. The Coke would already be cut for travel. So by the time I got off to plan, I would cut the Coke in Jersey.

By the time I got off the plan, it was ready to dispense. So that's what I'm saying to you. As soon as I got off the plane, I come bring you the fucking shit. You'd give me the five grand you owed me. I'd have Lee's money. So all the money I'd borrow, I'd make investments. People would make investments with me. me. I did that for years. I never had my own money to buy a big chunk of coat.

Yeah, why? So I would always go to Lee and go to leave. Give me $5,000 for three days. I give you $7,500. If you do this this week, I'll do it every week with you. That means you're going to make $2,500 a week with me. That's $10,000 a month. Month in and month out. Tax-free. Tax-fucking free. Guess what? You'll come to me with your fucking mother's money. Yeah. You'll go to your father and go, I got a guy for you to invest. And that's what I had. It was overwhelming. When you pay people that type of thing for two or three days, and my word is good. I'm not gonna beat you. I'm gonna fucking give you this cat.

After later on, I'm gonna get coked up. Then I had no choice. I had a fucking beat you. You know what I'm saying? My head's like, when you tell these stories, for some of like, I know you were younger, but in my head,

like I just imagine you now doing it. No, I just realized you were my age flying back and forth with guns. For three months. And $60,000 under your bed. And I don't know why. I'm not proud of it. I just don't let you know.

Yeah, when I was doing your age, I look at you some time. You told me you were 24 that damn was at 24 this kid doesn't know what I was doing Holy shit. I had no career, I had no future. I had nothing. I didn't know what the fuck I was gonna do. Yeah. You know, thank God at 28. I picked up a hobby named comedy. And the comedy ended up beating the fucking crime shit. Yeah. Thank God because it's in my blood. Still till today, I got to shop with the lighter at 7-11. I got to do something. You know, but I control it. The last, you know, ever since I moved to LA, I haven't really knock on wood. Had a problem. And that's 97. You know, and I pride myself in that because you got to work hard. You know, it's not fucking easy. I don't put myself in bad positions. Rule number one, if I don't like you, I don't be in the same room with you.

Because I know I'm going to say something. You're going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to hit you in the head with a fucking chair. And it's all fucking over. So why going? I avoid people. I avoid the comedy store.

I avoid any place where I'm going to see drama. I can't even avoid like movies anymore. Like I just get aggravated and people on set. So I mind my business. You learn about yourself. Like I tell people, there's the iPhone and the iPad. Well, there's the I. There's the I.

And nobody knows better for you than you, what works and what doesn't fucking work in this life. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Cock, suck. Look at the least I at. Last year, you came in here, you were mumbling and stumbling. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

Now you're a fucking producer, junior producer. You got the earphones on. Who's better than you? I'm trying. You know, we live and learn every day. We gotta make fucking mistakes. And there's a lot of young guys that watch this show. Keep slinging.

Keep believing in yourself. I believed in myself. I fucking knew. When I did comedy, I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that. I believed in myself. I was like Richard Gia and Officer and Gentleman. I had nowhere else to go.

You ever see Richard Gian, Officer and Gentleman? No, I haven't seen it. An Academy Award winner. There's a line in there where he asks him, you know, what the fuck? You're a loser. You never... When I watched that movie, that was me at that time.

I was just buying time. Everything I did was just buying time. I'll sell coke for a year. I'm buying time until I get to what the fuck I want to do. And I got locked up. I started doing comedy and this took over you know doing getting on stage meant more to me than you know I got arrested a couple times I got arrested in Idaho before a show oh yeah but shoplifting a fucking tent because I wasn't shoplifting I would take the tents and just go up to the fucking

customer service I never walked out of the store with anything you never shoplifted you just go to customer service and says somebody bought me this I got no receipt and they give you an exchange money back plus the tax motherfucker that's how I roll so I got court. They had me on the camera and they threw me in jail. Plus, I had a warrant for smacking a dude at a fucking food court one day. Two weeks early, I didn't go to court. You probably have the world record for smacking dudes in the face. No, I got in trouble. I was like, no, I didn't even cancel. I hit him with the dish. I was eating, you know, what's that Chinese chain? You know, Pandexpress. Panned Express. This is 1995, Panned

Express. And some kids had heckled me. I had said something a week before in Idaho Falls. And here I am in this mall eating the two kids In the week before, come up to me They're like, hey, you heckled us We want to go outside and beat your ass What were you going to do? You're going to let them walk you outside And beat your ass in street

Fucking hill, big hillbillies And fucking Idaho, these white dudes They hate everybody. I'm Cuban. They hate niggas spix and Jews And I'm Cuban. I fall into that category. So the two guys turned around,

the one guy kept looking at me I took the fucking dish With the fucking egg roll And the egg food, you know, You know those noodles they gave you, and I figured, let me break this fucking thing out because in the element of surprise

is the biggest thing you're doing war. They don't expect you to throw a fucking plastic dish out of, but I smacked the guy with the dish. Oh, with just the dish the egg roll, the lo-main, whatever. They call him the white rice. I hit him, and he went down. And the other guys... But it's funny.

The other guy's seeing that I hit him and they started running because they're like, he's throwing low-main. Once you start swinging in Lomain, he's fucking crazy. So the guy got... I never forget when the cops come. He still had Lomain on his ear. He had sprouts stuck in his fucking hair. Only mad flavor could do that. But fuck them. I had to make that

because they're going to beat me up, dog. You know, it's either do or die. Fuck it. I'm not going to let three guys beat me up. They would, too. You know, I'm 29 at the time. 30. I was in no shape to fight fucking three guys. I was a fat fuck, but I was out of that realm. Yeah, you're not going to beat up three guys in the mall.

Anyway! We're back, motherfucker. Good morning, everyone who's listening. Good morning. I love you guys for listening. Thank you. for listening to our two podcasts this week, plus the gambling podcast. We are not going to have one on Sunday. We're going to have one next Monday and fucking Wednesday. Another thing, guys, a lot of times people call me and they go, Joey, are you working Sunday?

I do not do comedy Sunday. Next week I'm going to Arizona with Joe Rogan for Friday and Saturday night only. So please don't get mad at me. It's a personal thing. I like having dinner with my wife. For years, I worked Sunday nights as a comic, and I fucking hated it. I couldn't stand getting on stage for these old people. People don't fucking want to laugh or, you know, they won't want to leave a barbecue.

And I decided if I ever, ever. And even in 2005, I stopped working Sundays. And I get all these people and say, hey, you're going to be there with Joe next week. I'm going to be there Friday and Saturday. No fucking Sundays. I'm going to get Sundays because it's the Lord's Day on the seventh day. God created black motherfucking Sabbath. You follow me?

And that's any other questions? What else is going on? No. People in L.A. come out to the Ice House tonight. Yes. Testicle Testaments. If you're in LA, come out to the ice house tonight. This will be dropped for the weekend.

If you're in the Baltimore, motherfucking area, Baltimore Comedy Factory, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night. Two shows Friday. Two shows Saturday will be tremendous. Have you been to Baltimore recently in the mall they have in the waterfront? No, it's beautiful. It's great. But I have a weird story as a kid.

They have like a fudge thing that they do. Like, they have a little show that they do making it. And I got hit in the head with a paddle of fudge, like a huge metal paddle. So that's like whenever everybody anyone brings up. Baltimore, that's all I think about, but it's a great area. Please, not for nothing. It wasn't traumatizing. You're 200 pounds. You get hit with fudge.

That's a good fucking day for you, that's a sucker. You know what I'm saying? If you're standing out of light, and a ball of fudge comes into your mouth, you're going to sue somebody? I don't care how fucking Jewish you are. You're going to sue somebody? No. I'm not going to see you with fudge. That's your fucking day. Jews love fudge. It's in the Bible.

Don't forget the Ari Shafir album, the Return of the Revenge of the Holocaust. Don't forget the Tom Segura seed. what's the name of white girls with cornrows yeah don't forget testicle testaments don't forget to describe to the podcast because we ain't making Dick Lee ain't making nothing we're doing this

for you motherfuckers to have a good time you know he's the flying Jew he needs an envelope soon cock suckers for you people who are hitting us a webpages we do not need a webpage for you people with the sponsors give us a couple days I got my man Nathan other he's throwing me some heat out of Cincinnati he's a Cincinnati Red fan

my attorney's looking over everything he'll contact you motherfuckers We're trying to do the best with what we got. Lee, what he got for me this week, Cock Suck? What do you got for me today? Today I started out with Achilles' last man. One of the best fucking Zeppelin songs ever comes off of presents. I'm going to close the show with Since I've Been Loving You, Because that's what my music is to you, motherfuckers.

Since I've been loving you, my life's been different. We've got the documentary on Amazon. We've got the documentary on payloads. All this shit, me and Lee have done it because of you, motherfuckers. Blasted, Lee. A little since I've been loving you from Led Zeppelin, fucking three. Are you kidding me or what? Break out the heroin.

We'll talk again on Monday. We're going to close up with this motherfucker. Bye, guys. Love you. M-a-law.