The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #093 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, August 30th..... This episode is brought to you by BlueChew & DraftKings..... Go to https://www.BlueChew.com Use Promo Code: JOEY & Try For Free! Just $5 for Shipping... Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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telling your stories. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. It's Monday the 30th of August. almost out of this motherfucker onto the fucking fall you're not to put your whites or what excuse me there

some fucking asshole dust was floating around the fucking air and I got it in my goddamn nose here I'm happy you guys made it through another week I had a great week last week I'm sorry to my Patreon followers last week I had to do the intros Acapello off the phone

I went to fucking Pittsburgh I shot for two days then me and the girls went to Hershey Park if you've never been fucking tremendous just tremendous and the fucking chocolate making was sold out I was pissed because that's what I fucking went there for

I must have walked around 14 weight watcher points it was great no complaints at all you know I'm not really a fucking Disney guy every time you go to Disney you walk you walk you walk and everything you want is on the other fucking side of the thing

you know it's one fucking $140. So the whole time you're there, you're like, am I getting fucked in the ass? I mean, what am I doing here at fucking Disney? It's a fucking rip-off. You feel like you're getting ripped off. Last time I went to Disney, it was me,

my wife, my daughter, Eddie Bravo, his wife, his son, we did that package. I can't tell you how much it cost. And you look at it and you go, you know what? I don't even want to know because it's for the kids anyway. It's not about us.

But Disney is, just a fucking nightmare. The time I went, right, and thank God, they didn't let me in. Like, sometimes people are doing you a fucking favor and you're too stupid to fucking know. The last time I went to Disney, we got a hotel room on the Disneyland fucking whatever.

Me and Eddie had conjoining rooms. We talked shit all night. I fucking went to sleep petrified from the conspiracy theories. The whole thing, Walt Disney's still alive. You know the fucking deal. So the next, So the next morning we wake up, we go to breakfast, and we're about to walk into the park,

but to have metal fucking detectors, right? So I walked to the fucking metal detector, and the lady goes, there's something in your pocket. I go, yeah, my wallet, my phone, you know, she goes, take them out and put them in a canister. So I put everything in a little container, like at the airport, and you run it through. And all of a sudden she goes, hold on, what is this? And it was a fucking Chebichu. And she goes, what is this? And I go, it's an edible.

I have a situation. I get anxiety, and these edibles have controlled me. And she started going off on me. You're not allowed to bring this into the park. Walk this back to your room. I go, okay, no problems. So I go back to the hotel, and I take a bite off the Cheba Choo, which is 90 milligrams, and I throw the other half away.

I go, I'll come back later. I got like 25 of them upstairs. What do I give a fuck? So I bit half, and I threw it away. When I walked back, do you know what that lady said to me? She goes, you didn't go back to your room. room. You just threw it away. Now, I'm not going to let you in. I go, what do you mean?

I'm going to let me in. My daughter, everybody was on the other side, and I'm, you're not going to let me fucking in. I go, let me talk to your goddamn supervisor here because something ain't right here. What do you care? We, it is legal in California. You know the deal. I have anxiety, and I got to walk for fucking

18 hours, you know? So finally, they all circle me. The supervisor comes over. We start talking. The supervisor fucking goes, you know what? Let them in the goddamn park. Just let them in. What do you give a fuck?

And I looked at it and I go, you don't get paid enough to give a fuck. You know, like, what's wrong with you? What do you give a fuck if I take it? It's not like I'm taking a fucking case of vodka in there and giving it out to little fucking kids on ice. It's my own little personal edible. Well, I got to tell you something.

I'm lucky. I only ate that half. Because when we went on, it's a small world after all. I almost abandoned fucking ship. You understand me? If I would have had a fucking parachute, I would have jumped off that fucking ride.

I don't know if you've been, and it's a small world after you sit down and it picks you up and you go through all these fucking deserts. They throw sand at you and shit. You know, all of a sudden you're in an ocean. You get hit with water. You're like, what the fuck is going on? But it's tremendous.

I mean, listen, the one thing about Disney I liked is that it's clean. You could see that. Listen, I'm paying you a buck 40, but this place is fucking clean. Now, I don't know. There was a fist fight last year. year, COVID fucked it up.

Who gives a fuck? I had a great time at Hershey Park. It was hotter than fuck this week. I mean, it was hot, Jack. It was hot the day I was shooting. It was hot. And I tell you, I love to shoot. You know, every time I shoot a TV show or a movie for one or two days,

it makes me realize how much I miss that shit. I don't want to do 10 weeks on a fucking movie. I don't want to be on location for fucking 13 weeks in upstate New York at some fucking motel six because they want to be secluded and you got to drive an hour to the nearest fucking hotel

that's a four star I don't want to deal with that I just want to zip into the city go to fucking wardrobe throw on my little fucking fat man suit go on the set do my fucking two or three lines because I can't remember anything more than that

like those big chunks of acting those days are done when I get the audition I'm like I can't remember this I got a teleprompter app on my fucking computer and I have to use the teleprompter app and sometimes you speed it up

it don't go fast enough sometimes it goes fast enough. I try my best I got a good meeting next week this week, this week coming up I got a great meeting for a fucking movie they're going to zoom in so I'm very excited about that what I wanted to talk to you about on a beautiful

fucking Monday first of all the joint wants to congratulate Michael Klein he got engaged over the fucking weekend And, you know, I'm very proud of them. I take, it's just so weird how you look at relationships. And I can be strictly honest with you guys, I was not ready for a relationship in my 20s. I was a fucking loser.

I've been a fucking loser since I was 16 years old for relationships. I mean, I started my relationship world by getting left back. I fell in love with a girl that would just give me fucking dry humps. how retarded am I and I got left the fuck back you know and I'm proud enough to talk about it today like I was ashamed of it for fucking years I was ashamed of it what it happens

because I was a lot smarter than that but to get fucking left back over no pussy is you got to be a fucking idiot and that's what I did so when I first started dating like girls and stuff I just kept running into problems I was jealous I was fucking this

I was angry I was so every time I dated a girl, I had to pull back on something. That's the only good thing that when you do something, you learn. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah, part of me wishes I never dated in my 20s, but the other part of me, I'm glad I did because I learned a lot. I learned how to treat women. I learned how to act around women.

But early on, I was a fucking jerk off. I was a jerk off in relationships until I was probably 32 or 33. And even then, I had fucking problems, you know, and that's why. Before I met Terry, I was like, you know what? Listen, nothing wrong with slinging dick, nothing wrong with eating somebody's asshole on the road that you met. You know, there's nothing wrong with that. It's natural.

Procrastination is a part of life. God loves when you fuck. He loves it. You know, God loves it. More kids, children of God, all that shit. God loves when you procreate. I had nothing against that. But I knew that I was so much of a fucking loser.

I didn't want to put a woman through this again. And dog, I put women through dumb shit. Like, I just put, I didn't give him a heartache. I didn't cheat on them, nothing like that. I just didn't have no sense of calling, coming at a certain time, you know, like, not coming sexually. I mean, like, you know, coming home at a certain time. I mean, I didn't have a mother figure, you know, all through my life. that was like till I was 10

and then my mother died when I was 16 but I didn't really have to answer anybody is what I'm trying to say so it was very tough for me as a man it was very tough for me like when a woman or anybody asked me what time are you going to be home my blood pressure goes up

180 over 100 don't ask me what time I'm going to be home don't ask I don't fucking know you know I like to tell you 11 but what if I'm driving home and there's a naked woman and just escaped from a fucking cock suckers anonymous rehab. You know, I'd love to tell you, what if I'm driving home

and I got a sudden urge to drive diarrhea, and I got to pull over to the Manalapan fucking diner and shit my ass off? You know, what? I don't know, so don't ask. I could try to be home by a certain fucking time, but don't ask. All those things bothered me as a man

because I didn't have to deal with it growing up. You know, it was all fucking new to me, you know? So when I left Boulder, like after my divorce, I didn't know how to handle a fucking divorce. I didn't know how to handle a marriage. When I first got married, I couldn't handle shit. Do you understand me? I couldn't handle shit.

And I'm really fucking sorry about this. I couldn't handle anything when I was married. I couldn't. I didn't know how to communicate. I didn't know how to, you know, I still remember meeting my ex-wife. Like I was celibut for fucking, well, it wasn't that I was celibate. I couldn't get a piece because I wasn't doing coke and my confidence was low. So I wouldn't talk to women.

You know, I knew how to talk to women when I got coked up. That's easier with three drinks in you. But once you're fucking sober, you don't know how to fucking talk to women. So I didn't fucking talk to women. You know, I didn't get laid from, fuck. 84, like mid-84 to like June of 85. I was like on a fucking 11-month sabbatical from sex or intimate fucking touching. nothing, you know, and then I, all of a sudden, I went on a fucking roll in 85, and I still remember

dating my ex-wife and moving with her to San Francisco and being alone with her in a hotel room and thinking to myself, wow, I'm living with a woman. Like, there's no preparation, there's no course you could take, there's no, nothing. I met her August 5th, and by August 20th, we were living together. in a fucking hotel room in San Francisco. And then by September 1st, we were fucking living in a full-time, you know, those hotels where you have a room and the bathrooms in the hallway and you share it with 20 fucking people.

You got to walk there with your robe on and where your fucking shaving kit like a jerk off. I didn't have a fucking robe. I'd have to walk in the hallway with a towel on. They tell me to put his shirt on. It was a fucking nightmare. But the point I'm trying to make is that I didn't know. I was doing, I'm living with a fucking girl. This is great.

She's going to clean. We're going to have sex whenever I want. And I was like an animal. Like, I would come home every afternoon. Let me give you a stabbing. We'd watch Mission Impossible at 4 o'clock. And after Mission Impossible, I'd give her a fucking stabbing. If I'm paying rent, I got to get my fucking money's worth.

Like, that's how you think when you're a fucking kid. And you're a young man. You don't fucking know. I wish I fucking knew. I had no idea. And I did the best I could. You know, I treated like a friend. I didn't fucking know.

You want to smoke a joint. You know, I would take her out to dinner. I mean, I didn't fucking know. But then the evolution continues, you know, and now you're a couple. And then we moved back to fucking boulder together. And then we started hanging out. I got locked up. You know, it wasn't like a traditional meet somebody in high school.

Go to the prom with them. Go to college. You still date while you're in college. and then once you get your degree and I get my degree we do it the right way and we get a marriage I didn't do none of that shit

that wasn't in my fucking path I was a quickie type of dude I met you I'm either like you or I don't like you you know what I'm saying if I like you I'll call again

if I don't like you I'm not gonna waste your fucking time I'm not in business to fucking use people so when I got married I didn't get married for all the right fucking reasons I got married

because I knocked somebody up did I love her Who knows? We'll see later on. You can learn to love somebody. That's what I thought. No, you can't. Either you love them or you don't fucking love them.

Yeah, people grow on you. You know what I'm saying? But you have to have something there to sit around that person every fucking day. If not, you want to stab yourself in the eye every time they talk. So I know I do. If I didn't like somebody, I couldn't have them around. I'm not that time. Listen, I learned the lesson early on when I was 16.

Don't use people. If you don't don't. Well, they got a fast boat You don't want to be their friend Well, they have good weed Who gives the fuck? Everybody's got good weed You can buy good fucking weed You don't need to fucking be somebody's friend

Because they have fucking weed You know? But when I got married I was totally confused Of what a marriage was It just did not work for me. Guys, I mean a lot of you saw me Last October

And November and December I was fucking shit I was burnt goods I was burnt to fuck out nothing nothing bothers me more than my time

when I was married from fucking September of 89 to October 15th and 1991 we're coming on the anniversary now I'm fucking leaving

I was just not happy I mean it was brutal for me I didn't know what you know and looking back at it it was a lot of things It was me getting out of prison

and all of a sudden I get out of prison and the next thing you know I'm getting fucking married six months later and I'm having a fucking kid. I was over fucking overwhelmed and something happened to me on the way to the fucking prom. When I got married,

I got married on Saturday afternoon, September 9th or no, who the fuck knows? Yeah, 9-9 of 89. Whatever the fuck. so it was September 9th of 89 check your fucking calendar Google that date

there was like two great college football games that day like Colorado was playing Nebraska so I was pissed off already like I didn't fucking know I never took that into account that there was a great college fucking football game

on the day I was gonna get fucking married you know so I didn't take none of that shit until I didn't even think about it but when I got married man the wedding was great, you know, the reception was great, and then we had to get a ride to Denver Stapleton Airport. That was the airport then.

We were headed to San Francisco for a honeymoon. And I remember we got on a plane. It was like a 9.40 flight. Get you to San Francisco like 11 o'clock. It was a 9.40 flight. I'll never forget getting on that plane with a, you know, like just coming back from a wedding. you're high on the wedding my friends were there

Mike Runny was there one of my best friends was my best man it couldn't have been any better you know I didn't do any coke until the end of the wedding you know at the end because I knew I didn't have to pee till Wednesday so I didn't do any coke till yeah I wasn't coming back to like Wednesday so the pee days for the halfway house for the community corrections was Monday Wednesday and Friday

So I knew I had a green light I could get high because I was going to come back Wednesday but at night time and they weren't able to piss me on Thursday they were going to piss me on Friday. So I already had it figured out in my head. So towards the end like about 8.30

was when I did a couple bumps just so nobody would see me coked up just to put a little fucking gin in that Indian and I fucking went to the airport we got on the plane. When we get to the plane there's maybe I like to say 16 of us on the plane.

plane and were fucking spread out. And I'll never forget that my wife at the time said to me, I got a surprise for you. And she had a skirt on. She split her legs open and she had a garter belt. And I had sex with her right on the plane like an animal that I was. She was like four months pregnant. I didn't give a fuck. I was coked up.

I had a couple whiskeys in me, a couple doers on the rocks. I gave her a stab and riding a fucking plane. And then she sat by the window, looking out the window, and I sat in the house. seat and I'll never fucking forget that I was like I think I made a mistake when everything wore off the party wore off the sex wore off and had a time to think I'm like I think I made a fucking mistake this poor girl thinks that our life is going to be solved and this poor girl that has no idea that I have no fucking idea I'm a fucking idiot. I don't know what's going on here.

She thinks like we're going to fucking have a house with a white picket fence and life is going to be great. I can't cover that spread. I'm a loser. I can't do this shit. And I remember like getting off that plane with us going, this is not going to fucking last. I didn't say nothing to her. But I was getting in the way of myself. Looking back now. I remember going to the hotel, going to Hertz, renting a fucking Nissan, 240 Z, you know, the fucking two-seater in the front and the, you know,

there's no reason to have a fucking back unless you're a midget with no legs. You're not going to be able to sit back there. It's just somebody with no legs that can sit back there. There's no room if your seat is all the way back. So I rented a 240, you went back to the hotel room. As soon as we got back to the hotel room, she's like, I'm tired. Sure, she's tired. She's four months fucking pregnant.

What the fuck did I expect? But Joey Diaz back then couldn't comprehend that. I'm like, what do you mean? You're fucking tired. Who gives a fuck to be pregnant? Let's keep this party alive. Let's have some sex. Let's go get some beers.

She was like, I'm not going for it. I was like, I'm going to go downstairs and smoke some pot and maybe go for a ride. She's like, fine. I fucking ran over to this bar. I was just taking. I was just spitting in the fucking wind.

But this is the luck I had back then. That's why I'm telling you, junkies have all the fucking luck. I just took a fire. I lived in San Francisco in 85. It was now 89. And I had a friend, a Cuban friend called Bamboosy. Tough motherfucker.

Me and him used to sling drugs and travelers checks and fucking play dice in the tenderloin. We ran a fucking game. He was tremendous. Me and him used to fucking cash travelers checks. You stolen credit cards. Him and I were like a fucking team. Him and I and this guy named Lazaro.

Lazaro was a fucking trip to his little old on this. If we were in our 20s, me and Bamboosy, Lazaro was like 45, but he was a fucking trip. So I just took a chance. I remember the bar with Bamboosy hung out at. And I fucking had to find my way around San Francisco. I didn't know any street names, Mason, you know, all this shit. And I remember going to that bar, going inside, and there's fucking Bamboosy. It's got to be midnight.

And I haven't seen him in four years. I gave him a big fucking hug. He was happy to see me. We had a drink. And around, I go, who's got an eight ball? And he goes, I got one. Let's go. Give it to me.

I sat with him till closing time, whatever that fucking was. He had some girl he was leaving with. I had nobody. I basically, one of my 240 ZX, I went to the hotel parking lot, and I just sat there all night, snorting the coke, figuring how am I going to get out of this fucking marriage?

This is bullshit. I can't be fucking married. I did the whole fucking eight ball by myself. I drank like a bottle of wine. There was some fucking individual beers. A few wine coolers. About 7 o'clock, I fucking finished drinking. I must have jerked off in the car in a bag or whatever.

When you're fucking coked up and you're a junkie, you do the most disgusting fucking things. I must have jerked off in my hand like cappuccino style. You come right in the palm and then you fucking wipe it on the furniture. have done one of those. I'm not lying to you guys. I actually jerked off in the car. That's what you do when you do coke by yourself.

And I went upstairs and I'll never forget that I fucking went upstairs, tippy toad in, picked up the sheet, got in the bed, put the sheet on, and within eight minutes, she turned around, looked at me and she goes, good morning. And I'm like, good morning to you. And I'm trying to, like, hide my face because I'm fucking blasted and I reek of alcohol.

She's like, how is your not? real good. I went out and I had a few drinks. And I just got home. I just got a nap for an hour when I'll be ready for you. She's like, that's fine. I wanted to take a walk around San Francisco anyway. I'm like, I had knock yourself out. And I fucking went to sleep. And I felt no remorse.

I didn't feel bad. I was like, this is not going to fucking work. But, you know, eventually I'll fall in love with her. I didn't know. I mean, I cared for her. I don't want you people to think I'm a fucking savage with a bone in my nose. I cared for her. I loved her in a way, but marriage, I wasn't fucking ready to be married to anybody.

I played the game. We went to the fucking giant game. We did this. We went to fucking Fisherman's War. We went to Guadalajari Square and got some chocolate. You know the fucking deal. But when we got back to Boulder, it was like, this is not going to fucking work. She was more of a roommate than a fucking wife.

I felt, you know, in a lot of ways. So I played the fucking game, you know. We, uh, I think right after I got fucking married, I went into such a fucking funk that I started snorting with three hands again. And by October, I gave my heart at the fucking, uh, at the halfway, I would, at the community corrections. And they actually threw me in the halfway house for a 90-day violation. So here's my wife

Fucking seven months pregnant And I'm in a fucking halfway house This was a formula For failure I mean we already were fucking failing You know It was rough It was a rough three months

I had to apologize to a family But this marriage was just It was just sad And then I was thinking Oh well maybe I'll have the kid And that'll change me Once I see the kid physically I'll stop snorting coke

and I'll get my life together well let me tell you how fucking much that help she had the baby I got out of the halfway house February 2nd she had the baby February 3rd at like 10 in the morning and I was doing cocaine

at 7 o'clock February 3rd at my house with my brother-in-law her brother so and then I snorted Sunday and you know that genuine cocaine talk this is the last line I'll do fatherhood is going to change me

you know God put a kid in my life so I could stop snorting coke and be a better person you know how much that worked nothing seeing that kid did nothing to me seeing that kid just put more pressure on me made me more fucking scared than what I was

and I fucking went overboard but I once I was back in the halfway house I had approved to everybody and I made it all the way to level four they had me driving I was like an example, fucking uh,

inmate, invict, and I fucking got out of it. But here's how fucking weird life is. So I get out on a Friday. February 2nd. We went to Lucille's in Boulder. I got the fucking baynets.

I got the red snapper with three fucking sunny side-up eggs. And it was a beautiful day. It was like cloudy out. The sun was trying to push through. I remember I went back to our apartment. We lived behind, uh,

Abo's Pizza and Ledizio on 30th Street. I had been living in such a stressful situation. I didn't know. You never fucking note that you get out of a stressful situation, that I was in a stressful situation. So when I got to the house that day, we got home about two, maybe three o'clock, we laid down.

I fucking passed out. I mean, I passed out all the way to Saturday morning at like 6 a.m. When she woke me up to tell me her water fucking broke. She's like my water broke. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? I knew nothing about waters. I knew nothing about bags.

I knew nothing about babies. I knew nothing about nothing. She's like, my fucking water broke. I'm like, what do you want me to do? I'm not a doctor. She's like, we got to get to the fucking hospital. I'm like, hospital. Are you fucking crazy?

So I'll never forget I go outside to the fucking get the car. I fucking look out the window. And this could only happen in Colorado. There's a foot and a half of snow up. from fucking impartially sunny was coming out on fucking uh uh friday till there's a fucking foot and a half of snow on the goddamn floor I'm like what the fuck is this

so now I gotta go out there she's yelling she's like oh oh oh oh and I'm like what the fuck is this and I go outside I fucking shovel I got to pull the car out I got to shovel under the fucking car I got to shovel the cars on the whole time I got the heat I got the fucking sun

The blinkers going I pull the fucking car out I shovel the fucking spot You know I leave a little trail there I pull the car out a little bit more I fucking shovel out the fucking spot And you're not gonna believe what happens While I'm getting back in my car

I see a guy Turn on to the block and he's coming towards me Now I knew the guy He lived on top of me I didn't talk to him We didn't drink We didn't hang out together. He wasn't my friend.

I just knew he lived upstairs. I see him coming towards me. I go, that's interesting. All of a sudden, you know, you had cones in front of your house. You fucking, you cleaned out the driveway. Now it's your parking spot. You put the two cones there. So I was going to get in the car to straighten out the car

and then put the two cones there, open the door, tell my wife the car was ready. I put a little pat in the snow so she could walk. It was all planned out. You know me, I don't fuck around. What do you think scumbag does coming at me? He comes at me and he turns into my parking spot and just pulls in. I'm like, what the fuck just happened?

I get out of the car. I knock on his car. He gets out of the car. I go, hey, dog, I don't mean to be a fucking painy ass or rude. But I was just out of here 30 minutes shoveling when my wife is inside yelling. You could hear her fucking yelling. Her water broke. I have to take it to the fucking hospital.

and I just fucking clean this spot out and you're just going to fucking stroll in here and parking the thing. I swear to God, guys, I just got out of the halfway house. I'm trying to get my life together. This motherfucker looks me straight in the face,

turns around, looks at my car and spits at my fucking car, and he goes too bad. I'm like, this did not just fucking happen. My life is a fucking game show. This did not just fucking happen That this guy spit in my fucking car I just got out of the halfway house

My wife is pregnant She's inside fucking yelling You're not gonna believe this fucking story I'm like are you fucking serious He's like it's too fucking bad I'm taking the spot Shovel another one You're not gonna leave anywhere

You're gonna be in the hospital You know what? That's true That's one frame of thought But he didn't say it that way He came out of the car like a fucking jerk off And I wasn't taking it So I fucking choked him. We started swinging each other right there.

Bob, pop. We started fucking swinging at each other. He hit me with two or three good fucking shots to the head. I was reaching for fucking air. And next thing you know, this motherfucker went to grab me and he slipped into snow. Sorry, Charlie. I got right on top of him and I started banging his fucking head off the fucking snow, right? I'm banging his head off the fucking snow.

I'm punching him. I'm trying to bite him in the fucking hand because he's trying to fucking, I'm trying to nibble on his fucking glove and shit. And the next thing, you know, he's playing. You know, he's pushing my face. I'm punching him. And you're not going to believe this. Two cop cars with their fucking lights on are coming at me. And I'm like, this ain't fucking happening.

This is not fucking happening. I'm going to go right back to fucking jail. I'm on top of the guy. I'm fucking pounding him. He's pushing me. Here's what gets better. The cops run out of the car, and I see it's one of the cops I know. I'm like, ooh, thank God.

Maybe he'll cut me. a break. I'm like, what's going on, man? I'm sorry. This fucking guy, they go, no, we're not here for a fight. We're here for a complaint of domestic violence. I go, domestic violence. Who's domestic violence in anybody? It's my fucking neighbor. He goes, we're not even here for that. Somebody complained that they heard a woman yelling. I go, that's my wife. She's about to have a kid that water just broke, and I'm trying to explain the story to them. And they're like, all right, all right, well, we got to take care of this. What happened here? And I'm like, this motherfucker. I just shoveled.

And this motherfucker pulls into my spot. And the cops like, well, listen, there's no law. I'm like, it's not that. The way the motherfucker came out of the car, he came out with a bad attitude. It's not what you say. It's how you say it. Fuck him.

We're going back and forth. The cops's like, enough already. Enough. He goes, listen, get your wife in the car. We're going to fucking, one car is going to get behind you, one car's going to get in front of you. And we're going to fucking escort you to the hospital. You two fucking idiots.

shake. I thought they went into a circle, like a powwow. I thought they were going to throw me under the jail. I just been out fucking 12 hours. I'm out 12 fucking hours, and I'm going back to fucking jail. This ain't happening.

This is not fucking happening. The next thing you know, they come out of the huddle, and they're like, listen, we're just going to write this off as a bad day. All right? I'm like, thank God. They're like, shake hands.

I'm like, listen, at this point, I'll do anything, just to get it to the, hospital. She's in the fucking doorway. Ah! Ah! So I'm like, fuck this shit. I go to put my hand down and this motherfucker goes, I ain't shaking his hand.

The office of my friend walks up to him, he goes, listen, we could just get in the car and leave. You weren't doing too good when we got here. This gorilla was about to fucking level you. So what do you want to do? The guy shook my hand fucking reluctantly. I grabbed my wife

and the fucking cops has scored this to the fucking airport. Like not the airport. the hospital like nothing fucking happened that that that that's the pre that's fucking six months of our married life i just broke down to you the first six months were fucking horrible then the kid came along i loved that child with all my heart but listen man a kid wasn't going to change the animal that was the time that just wasn't going to happen and i'll tell you i had a little bit of fucking depression you couldn't tell like i know looking back now that had a little bit of depression at that time,

just a little tad, you know. But at the same fucking time when I had the baby, as sad as this is going to sound, my daughter Jacqueline, that even put me farther out there. That made me feel even worse than what I did. My self-esteem was low. I had a hard time being a man.

How was it going to be a fucking father? How was I even going to be a fucking father? you know and I pushed through it I pushed through it and I had another struggle going on I was being a pussy I should have been on stage the day after I got off

fucking out of prison in February of 89 I should have fucking been on stage the next night it was fucking February of 90 and I still wasn't on fucking stage who's the biggest pussy you know Uncle Joey

procrastinator, Uncle fucking Joey. I still wouldn't go on fucking stage. So I was in an unhappy marriage. I was not a good fucking father, even though I was a good father. I don't want you guys to get me wrong. I was in, I was changing diapers. I just felt not up to par.

Like I saw what other dads look like and I saw how they were acting. And I just failed. I was just a failure at it. You know, and to top it off, I wasn't living the life I wanted, which is heavy. Heavy. I even, you know, one of the reasons Mike is here was his fucking hatred for his office job.

He did not like it. He did not like it. When you're a musician and you're a free spirit, a day job is like a fucking suicide sentence. I know. I know. How? Because I've fucking been there. I did 30 jobs I didn't want to do.

I did them to pay the fucking rent or to snort Coke or what. whatever fucking excuse I have. But I did all those fucking jobs just to get by. They weren't because I was in love with something. You don't know what life is to you love your fucking job. When you love your job and you're supposed to be there at 8 and you're getting there at 715, that's love. When you don't love your job, it's a death sentence

and you're not living the life. And even if you go, you know what, I'm no fucking Jimmy Page. I'm never going to be in Led Zepp. You know what? That's okay. that's okay. There's a restaurant that loves when you come down with an acoustic guitar and you do a couple of Beatles songs from eight to nine.

Whatever, I don't know. Help, I need somebody help, not just anybody help. You know what I'm saying? One thing that I realized as a comic was that you didn't really have to go to L.A. I don't ever want you to feel like you had to go to L.A. you could be a comic, a musician, an artist, right in your little fucking pocket of the world. I could have stayed in Denver and been just as happy

as I would have gone to L.A. or Seattle or whatever. I wouldn't have been the same comic. I probably wouldn't have had the same opportunities, but that would have still made me a comic. So when I was just on the fucking happy, I just was not there as a married guy. It just didn't work out for me. Finally in July, she did me the biggest favor of my life.

She overheard me on the phone. She knew I was having a tough time. At the time, I had two fucking jobs. I was a roofing estimator. I basically went home, washed my pussy, and fucking went to the comedy club, to which hand to be a fucking doorman. And then I got promoted to a sound guy.

Then I was a bar back. Then I was doing all three jobs by myself. And then I finally had the balls together. on stage and then you know I mean September of 91 I was so fucking unhappy my ex-wife came to me

and she was like listen you got on stage because now I was even unhappier I should have been fucking ecstatic that I got on stage but there was a problem I still had a fucking day job and I tell you what that was not a day job I hated I never hated roofing estimating it was easy

I enjoyed it But it wasn't what I wanted to do until I was 65 and get a gold watch. That's not what I wanted to do. That was not... He was a great roofer. Yeah, here's a gold watch. Thank you for your 38 years of service, you fucking Malook.

Thank you for making us $8 million with your knowledge, you fucking Malook. You know, so I was like, that's not what I want to do. I want to fucking do stand-up fucking comedy. And, man, I look at my marriage now the first time that it just wasn't. It was just like Pink Floyd says in dogs. We were just roommates.

We were just roommates. You know, I loved stand-up so fucking much at that time that I was really fucking upset. I loved my daughter. I loved stand-up. I did not like being married. I did not like answering to somebody. I just did not like my fucking life.

But I also knew that my life wasn't miraculously going to change. It just doesn't miraculously change. It's like my life now, this past year. I've had to put in fucking work and journaling and writing and a therapist. I've had to put in fucking work. At that time, I didn't really fucking know what I was doing. I just knew I was not fucking happy. She even came to me one day.

Like in September, she's like, listen, I think you should take a fucking trip. I think you need something. In that short period of time, I started stand-up. I signed up in the Europa Institute I was treading on the idea of becoming a Buddhist You know I mean I was fucked up guys Ficked up over this marriage

It was not Fucking happiness for me But I did not know how to get out of this Her parents were really good to me Her family was my family And I was stuck I was stuck and didn't even know it I was like those people on the island

Naked and afraid You would see those people fucking it's bad enough being afraid now you're naked that's a real fucking bond burner now people got to see my fucking COVID toe I don't need that aggravation in my life so when I walked in that fucking October 15th

and she came to me and she's like hey I'm not happy this is not working I had a euphoric fucking surge go through my body I was like really

you cut me out of this prison sentence because it was a fucking prison sentence as far as I'm concerned. And I'll tell you what, when she packed up her fucking bags and walked out of that door, I got to be honest with you guys. I was the happiest fucking man

to walk to the fucking earth. I loved her to a degree and I cared for her. I wasn't crazy about her. I could live with that. I didn't like being with somebody that I wasn't totally hedging. over heel,

I didn't feel adequate as a father, even though I stuck it out with her for four years, six, seven, eight years after that, trying to be a father. I just knew one thing when that marriage ended, that I was not doing this again. I was not doing this to myself.

I was not going to do this to another woman. This was never happening again. You want to fuck? You want to snort some coke? You want me to eat your pussy? I'm in. But I'm not. not getting in no monogamous situations or anything.

That was how I felt in 1990, fucking five. That was exactly how I felt when I summarized my marriage and what had happened since 1985 when I met my ex-wife. I had summarized all that. And I came to the conclusion that I'm not good for anybody. I'm a fucking loser. I'm happy I have comedy I don't have to fucking worry about insurance

or phone bills or mortgage I'm gonna get in this car I'm gonna fucking go on the road and that's what I'm gonna fucking do never again will I weigh down a woman with my bullshit my you know stupidity I'm not gonna do this

and it's fucked up when you think that way because when you're not looking for somebody is when you find somebody it's like when Vito left the Sopranos and he fucking went to up to Maine and he found that fucking half a fag the cook who committed suicide rest in peace remember they got to

an argument and he says to him I wasn't even looking for you you know it's the same thing when you're not when you're not looking for somebody that's when you find somebody you know when I met my fucking wife sorry about that I was just thinking about it

I have to fucking paint the picture for you cocksuckers you know what I'm saying so yeah yeah I'm like Bob Ross before the operation. So when I met Terry, every had everything I loved in a woman. Not to mention

she was from the South. I loved that. I heard all these things about Southern women and I still remember being with her the first 90 days and like one day I got to a house, I was broke and she made me a fucking great lunch. A fucking Cuban beans. She fucking

did it up, red beans. I was so fucking excited, but there was still that doubt I had. I had a doubt that I'm not going to make her happy. I'm going to let her down, you know, in every perspective, you know, emotionally, sexually. I'm a fucking fire. I'm a dud. You know, I know this going in that I'm a fucking dud.

How am I going to fucking, for the first six months I dated Terry. I did like her. I did have feelings for her. I was starting to love her and I didn't want her. I was like, I'm not going to hurt this girl. I'm going to stick around here for a couple weeks until she tells me I'm a bum like everybody else. And then, you know, I'll move on.

I'll find a new girl. When I look at Terry this week, when we went to Hershey and we were walking in the park, and there was one point, like me and her are connected, like synchronized in a way because she was going for a walk and I had a phone call to make. And I'm sitting there making this call and I look up in this fucking Nathan's hot.

dogs, right? And I go, holy shit, maybe they got a lemonade. So I saw all these people walking around with a lemonade. And I go, I walk up and there's no fucking lemonade, but I saw chili dogs. I'm like, fuck, I go for a chili dog, but I got to watch. My weight watcher points. Those chili dogs are a motherfucker. So I go, awesome. My wife texts me. She goes, we're under the umbrella because it was really hot. There was a big umbrella where you could sit there and drink something. So I walk over and I go, We got to get a lemonade, and my wife goes, fuck that. I'm fucking starving. I go, holy shit, how about a chili dog from Nathan's?

And on the walk over, I was like, holy fuck, me and my wife are synchronized. Like, we ate breakfast together. You know, she had like a snack. She's on noon, whatever, that diet. She's lost like eight pounds. She loves it. And we were both fucking hungry. And we both, like, fucking look to each other at the same time.

And after we had that chili dog, We were walking in the park and I'm like, I can't believe I've been with this woman for 21 fucking years. There was a time when I couldn't be with a woman for 21 minutes. Like, nobody wanted to be next to me. I have worked it out with that. And I still remember being with her at the three-year mark and her asking me, what are we doing? And me going, I don't know. And I'm going like, you've got to make a move.

pretty soon. And it was like me telling my mother I got left back. I didn't want to tell Terry. I didn't want to get married because I knew she would tell me then you got to go. I put that fucking marriage off for nine years.

Years, I wanted to be absolutely positively sure that I wasn't going to waste her time. I wasn't going to waste her life. And I could be a good husband. I was at the fucking crossroads before I quit drugs with her because I thought I would never get off drugs

and I didn't want to put that on her and then finally I looked at it one day and I go you know what I got to take a higher fucking road I got to stop doing drugs because I don't want her to fucking find me and when I did that that's when I knew she was the woman for me

after I stopped the drugs I go you know what at the year mark I'll ask her to propose she didn't say nothing so I'm like I'm not gonna fucking propose fuck that I could do this for as long as we could do this I could do this

well let me tell you something she went to Tennessee and when she came back after like four days she went to visit her parents and she went to see her brother's child her brother had a child and when my wife came back

she wasn't the same person she just wasn't the same person and I remember I fucking beat around the bush for about three or four months and I was like what am I gonna do she's not gonna fucking stop you know she wasn't even too she wasn't even forcing me or nothing I could just tell that she wasn't happy she was a 30-something year old woman she was single she wasn't married she didn't have a child we were living in a fucking studio apartment we had no money we had a shitty

fucking car. I mean, our prospects were fucking horrible. What was I going to fucking do? And I'll never forget, one day I went to a Santa Ria fucking read with my karate teacher. We were talking. And he's like, there's a woman in your life that isn't really happy.

And I knew exactly what he was talking about. When I got in the car, I did not hesitate. I called her father. I asked her for a hand in marriage. and then I call Terry and I go listen we're getting married fucking in two months

but blah blah blah I talk to your dad we're gonna order the ring tonight I want you to say yes and I knew you know that I was going out on the limb but I knew

I do a lot better when I got a gun to my head some instances you know what I'm saying some instances I work a lot better with a gun to my head sometimes I don't need a gun to my head

but I married her I married it and I had no fucking regrets and now we've been married for 12 years we've been together for 21 and I grew into the man I wanted to become man

it's a weird thing I just wanted Mike to know that I had his back I know a lot of you guys out there are thinking about getting engaged or whatever just be prepared just know that this is what you want to do listen man being a husband is not fucking

it's the hardest thing I've done because I'm a fucking idiot but you guys are educated you came from well homes you came from good homes you have families you had a little basic education on communicating with people and whatever it's a great thing being married

I know for some people it doesn't work some people just get turned off by it I was being a fucking jerk off by saying I'm never going to be fucking married again because I knew it was bullshit. I knew eventually I would find the right person. I didn't know who wanted to be with my fucking

fat ass. But I also knew that had a lot to offer. So when I put the fucking ring on a finger, I knew I had a fucking change to be the best man I could be from A to fucking Z. And at the age of 58, I'm happy to say I'm here.

I'm fucking, this is the best Joey D you'll ever see right now. And I'm looking forward to the next 10 years or 12 years later. I'm having a great time. I'm having a great time. And there's a big difference between being a bad husband and a good husband. It's just a little bit of work. That's it, just a little bit of work.

Doing things that you're not told to do. You know, my wife never has to tell me to do something. I take pride and not having to go, Joey, take the guard. job. Joey, can you go grocery shopping? Joey, can you watch mercy? You know, I already fucking have my day planned out in my head. I know what I could do with my daughter and I try to be the best I can. And it's the thing I take most pride in. Yeah, I did comedy for 30 years. That's great. I also was with a woman for 21 years. And that's also great. That takes a lot of fucking sacrifice, commitment, and love, you know. So I don't know if you get married. I don't know if you're thinking. I don't know if you

thinking about getting married, but if you're thinking I got about getting married, think about it's not going to end in divorce, that you're going to be the best man that you could be. Divorce is for fucking punks. Trust me, I got divorce and it happens. Listen, you got to kiss a fuck or fuck. You got to kiss a couple bumpies before you get that queen. You know what I'm saying? Nobody meets the first person at the first time, man.

If you do, good luck to you, and I'm happy for you, but you're going to have to kiss a couple morons, a couple people have bad breath, some chick has sperm breath, you deal with it, and you move on, but you're going to find the person for you. But when you find that person, give it 100%. Like I said, it's, it's just much difference. My fingers are a quarter of an inch apart right now for you people that are listening, not watching. It's a quarter of an inch to be a great husband or to be a shitty husband. That's it. It's that simple. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, And when you're fucking doing great at it, you feel great about yourself. I feel great about myself.

For years, I was fucking depressed that I failed at marriage. It is the basic, the most basic thing that we have in our lives. Think about it. It's a relationship. Hello, goodbye, I love you. I'll stop here. You sacrifice, you get, you know. And I failed at it dramatically.

And I was fucking ashamed. I didn't tell nobody. I just, my excuse was, I never get married again. No, you get married again and you be the best fucking man that you could be. That's Monday's joint with Uncle Joey. It's the 30th of fucking August. I enjoyed myself today. I love these little Monday ear beatings.

As you could tell, I'm folding back into the old Joey Dears. Little by little Rome wasn't built in a day, but I'm feeling great about it. I'm still doing my better help and I'm still doing my journaling. I'm still lifting my weights. and it's fucking September, motherfuckers, so we're 30 days away, 31 days away from the many saints of Newark. We got a lot of surprises for you this month.

We got some great guests for you this month. So sit tight. The joiners here to blow you the fuck away. Laughing gas is back in stock, motherfuckers. So they just got a big shipment on Friday. I heard it's fucking better than the original shipment. Hopefully my buddy goes out to L.A. next week and picks me up a couple packages

and we'll be back in motherfucking black. You understand me? But until Wednesday, I love you, cocksuckers. I want to congratulate Michael Klein again on getting engaged and I want to thank you guys

for all the support for the fucking great messages for that thing that Rogan put up with Judy Canciotti and me taking my dick out behind the curtain. You guys fucking hit me up a thousand times. Thank you. You know, I love making you laugh.

And that's it. suckers. I love you. Have a great fucking Monday. That's it. It's the end of the week, at the end of the month. The rent is due on Wednesday and we'll be back on motherfucking Wednesday. I love your cock suckers are all my heart.

And now for a word from our motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you for listening to the podcast today. I hope that helps you out with your marriage or any commitments that you're doing. And I want to thank you for always having my back.

I'm going to congratulate Mike again. And like I said in the beginning, Laughing Gas is back in stock at the ice cream parlor in Studio City. After this shipment, we're going to start sending some off to other stores. I will keep you guys posted.

We will write them down on Laughing Gas at Instagram, at Laughing Gas on Instagram. But before I go, from the heart of New Jersey, deep in fucking Jersey, the join is brought to you by Draft Kings. The NFL is back,

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