The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 09/30/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #116

Episode Date: September 30, 2013

UFC fighter Pat Healy calls the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/30/2013.

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or just go to joey dyes.net and click on the dollar shave club banner oh shit monday september 30th it's almost over obamacare's knocking cock suckers oh shit here you go little erasmid nobody goes there nobody shows where nobody knows oh shit spark that motherfucker it's monday cocksuckers it's over what kicking me oh shit Golly bounce motherfucker. Oh. Good morning, glory. Oh shit.

What's it gonna do? I'm the fat of the land. In a rock and roll band. Moving, cocksucker. A little something fucking New England last night. What? What? Oh, yes, we are, Gus.

Get the fucking grammar speed. Breaking Bad is gone. You fucking cock suckers. It's time to live your life Instead of sitting there sweat Watching a show like a bunch of fucking faggots Get it together The church

Little fucking aerosmith Heavy duty at you leave What's happening baby I'm fucking fired up today I got like nine hours of sleep I took a nap in the afternoon I was in Portland Oregon I just smoked some super fucking blue dream

From the rosebud dispensary up there What's up dog Where the fuck you've been? You don't call you don't write You hope with that Mexican chick and they take away your immigration card. You don't say I don't hear from me for two fucking days. They take it deep into fucking Mexican territory.

What can I say? What's going on, though? It's fucking awesome. Good morning, glory. Hallelujah to you. No, you were really excited when he came and you must have been listening to this all morning. Listen, you're all right.

You fucked up. What did I do? You fucked up, all right? You made your last slip. All right, because I lost my iPod, and I got a new iPod, and I got a new iPod. And I got a new iPod, and I put some music on it. I go, Lee, can you put some music on it.

from me. He goes, what do you want? I go put some Erasmusmith. That's why I like Lee so much, is the Aerosmith family. And I love anybody from Boston because of Aerosmith. And he put the first out, Mom, by mistake. Now, Aerosmith didn't become Aerosmith by putting out bad music. And I was telling Joe Rogan on the phone, Saturday we were talking from Portland. And I told him that, you know, somebody in Portland gave me a joint. Where was Rosebud, gave me a joint of the white. And I smoked the whole thing. And I fucking couldn't sit in my room, dog. I had to get out. I went to the Y. I went to the downstairs gym at the Crown, whatever, and I put the earphones on, and that's the album I picked.

I was on the elliptical, and I didn't know that I just put Aerosmith. And this first album has Dream On on it. It's got some, it's got a bunch of little weird songs, but it's raw and it's dirty, just like the suburbs of Boston were in the 70s. You understand me? You know, Boston's nice downtown. But once you get to some of those suburbs, you feel this nitty-gritty toughness. You ever feel that like Worcester?

Worcester just has a fucking toughness to it. You could stop a skinny kid in Worcester call him a cock suck, and you're going to fight for nine minutes. You're going to fight for 11 fucking minutes. He's going to scratch. He's going to rip your fucking shirt. Even if you beat the fuck out of him, you know when you're in a fight, that's what this music reminds me of. When I was a kid, there was a kid, Steve, a vella. There was a couple of vellas when I was growing up.

and they were all a little touched. You know, the father was a gangster, so they were all a little touched. They thought they had the world by the balls. But the oldest one was very certifiably gone. And you didn't want to be in a call with him when Erasmith came on. Why?

That was the word on the street. Don't be in a call with him because he lost his mind even more. He would start doing U-turns, fucking cutting people off. And that's what it does to me. The first five Arrowsmith-Oms guys are pure gold.

What happened in this country was they went into a deep fucking drug hazed. I mean, nobody remembers like the early 80s. Aerosmith fell off deep. Like fuck guns and roses and fuck the chick that died in fucking England. These guys know that they live on the edge every day. I swear to God, they were real heroin junkies. If you read that book, if you listen to their music from rocks to all that shit is dark.

It's fucking dark. Rocks and there's something else. So I'm just an Erasmith type of motherfucker I like the first five albums What happened is when they made a comeback They went commercial by mistake It just happened You know what I'm saying

So all those first five albums have been overshadowed And a lot of people like the newer The younger people Do yourself a favor, bro Buy Get Your Wings Buy this one with Dream On on it Buy fucking toys in the attic and rocks Those are just tremendous sounds

Just a little something for New England I was watching New England Patriots Last night I got all fucking fire He called me. I love to watch good quarterbacks, man. Like when it's solid, fucking cool. I like to watch anything that's fundamental. Once you start going crazy, I don't like that shit.

You know, like he fucking made Matt Liner with a minute left. Threw a bomb on First and Ten. Yeah. That was fucking phenomenal. You saw that? You know, yeah. I watched the whole game. Oh, you watched it.

Through a bomb, like old school football. Like, you know what? Let's get down. You ready? Let's get down. Go to the fucking car and make a left. You know what I'm saying? that tight. Just sit by the fucking car.

I'm going to put it right by the fucking windshield. Boom! He threw the fucking ball. And I'm sitting there, and that's when I called you. But I love the other dude. I love Tom Brady. I've always been a fan of Tom Brady. I love all those big white fucking quarterbacks like that. Him and the dudes from Dallas. I like all that shit, you know,

and they're big and white, and they fucking Elway. Oh, Elway was a fucking bull. When I lived in Boulder, I used to go those Bronco games, he was a fucking bull. Oh, how was that? That was the same thing. I heard that. If you stood next to Elway, you could hit a ball whizzing, like off his fingers and shit.

Like that's... What's up, Lee, you cocksucker? So tell people what's happening tomorrow. I'm going back on juicing. I'm excited. Yeah, I can tell. I used to come in here, and his eyeballs would be rolling in his head like fucking...

He was like one of those meth addicts and they're breaking bad and shit. He just his eyeballs would be pinned. Oh, it's great. I can't wait to add onion to it tonight. Get the fuck out of here. Telling you, all you had to do is walk around the block and get in that pool. You don't need this shit.

Like you were joking, now when you're getting a Mexican girl. I told you. Eating that food. Well, you got to exercise. You got to break those fucking tomonleys up. They develop on the armpits. You ever see those Mexicans are fucking rob. You got the fat on the arms. You got to go out there and do jumping Jackson's shit. Unless you get those wings, you'll fly over

to the fucking border. Oh, Jesus. Good morning, glory. Hallelujah to you. Let me tell you something. In a real world. In a real motherfucking world, Portland, Oregon is on their own axis. In the real world. Was that fun?

Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It really was a lot of fun. Even though if it was raining, it didn't matter. That's what part of the patois is important. You know it's going to rain up there? Yeah, it's always going to fucking rain. They're allergic to the sun. But they had a nice summer.

They did have a fucking really nice summer. I just happened to breathe up there the week with a fucking rain. You know, every time you go to, oh, you should have been here last week. You know, Sun's Anarchy was here giving out joints. The chicks were giving out blow jobs. You just missed it by an hour. That's the way. Oh, shit.

Look what I got here, Lee. One of your favorites, a Green Hornet, Cheebo Chew. It's Monday. We got to go deep. You know what I'm saying? Why not fuck? Why fuck around? Why fuck around?

It's Monday. You want to take a little bite? Because you're about to eat 200 milligrams, 300 milligrams of fucking TH. What's me? What do you mean? What are you mean? Us? We're a team.

This is the church. We're a team. You're the backbone of your organization. I am, and I do it on weekends. On weekends. I don't know how you serve. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

You're going to start juicing. You might as well take a little bite today just to get there. You know what I'm saying? I have no idea. You know what I'm saying? Tomorrow you start juicing. When we were talking about it last week, the cheap and you guys tweeted me during,

while we were streaming, and they're like, be careful with the Green Hornets. But it was too late. You had already been succumbed to the death of the Green Hornet on Friday, and I cato kick in the pussy. Oh, geez.

Fuck. Fuck it. Green Hornet for breakfast. Six in the morning. We ain't fucking around. It's Monday, Doug. I want to be around. What the fuck? Where's some music here? You're slipping and you're talking about Earl Smith, you're juicing, you're all excited about eating onions and kelp and shit. It's Monday. 10 of 30 your cock suckers. Uncle Joey loves you. Latter candle. Somebody's watching over you. Here you go. Huh. I want to be around to pick up the pieces.

You better be around because I'm going to drop on this fucking gooby band. There's a strong one. They fucked up on this one. There's an extra strong one. Some. Some. Twice as smart. Get up.

Wash your feet. Obamacare goes in tomorrow. Clip your toenails and shit. Send the payment. Don't bounce the check. Obama gets pissed. You know, I was thinking about yesterday that's weird. And he got me high.

So this comment is your fault. But I was sitting, I was driving around because people were always complaining about Obama. And I was like, how come when, like, presidents get a, like, are running? We never hear from, like, a guy who hates him. Like, there's always a guy who you hate in school or whatever. Someone, as a kid, hated Obama. Why don't we ever hear from, like, a guy like, yeah, he was an asshole? He beat me up and he stole my money.

You never, ever hear that. You never do, because the guy tried to raise his hand, like four years ago, and somebody's chopped my truck off and shoved the pineapple up his ass, and it's over now. The guy's sitting there going, I knew Obama. No, I didn't. Yeah, like there's never that story. Nobody comes out against the president.

No, I understand what you're saying. Monica Lewinsky, whoever. I'm sorry. You know, listen, nobody's going to be happy with whoever. Even when George Washington was present, there was somebody walking around with wigs going to get rid of that fucking guy. You know what I'm saying? We got to get rid of that fucking guy.

There's always somebody who's unhappy, you know. Live your fucking life. Would you vote if you couldn't? Listen, even when I could vote, I wouldn't fucking vote. Yeah. I was embarrassed to go. I don't know why. As long as I was being a fucking criminal,

I don't want to vote. I don't want to be a fucking hypocrite. I can't be one of those fucking people that go down there and vote and me and one of your robbing purses and selling code behind fucking alleyways and shit, mugging people. Oh, I told the girl's mom might come and join you with your tutor because she's starting to become a citizen.

So it's like, oh shit, Joey's doing essentially that, probably that course. Have you started that tutoring? Friday. You start on Friday? Friday, because I got the movie. We were going to meet on Tuesdays or Mondays. But today I got, you know, we got to do it early in the babysitter,

so we have to pick our time every week where we can meet. That works for her and works for me. So this week we're going to do on Fridays. I'm going to read the assignment over the weekend, then we're going to start meeting Monday mornings. That's awesome. Well, yeah, she, because she's, she's like an interesting lady. She had a kid, and my girlfriend's mom had a kid in Mexico,

then came here in trunks of, cars and stuff and had two more kids, but she would constantly be going back and forth. She did the trip across the border six times, and she worked in sweatshops and restaurants and so... Put up a lot of shit. Yeah. And then on the weekends would go down and bring that money back to her daughter and live without her daughter.

You have no fucking idea of the stories. Yeah. And we walk outside and have a flat tie and think we're having a fucking bad day. The lady who takes care of my little fucking baby. Same thing. She did the trip from fucking El Salvador. door. All the way up, and she'd say she'd do it.

She goes, before 9-11, you could do it every other day. People would jump in that fence, running up to fucking five every fucking day. Then, after 9-11, it got really bad. I can't imagine having to. My mother did that. My mother did that with my sister. Really? Yeah, because she had this business going.

Excuse me, she had this fucking business going. And my sister wanted to stay with her grandmother. And sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do to make the, family together to make the stride. How many fucking Cubans have left their wives or wives have left their husbands or just to try to make it here to bring them out? You know, that's

the American thing. I bet the Chinese do and I bet the Arabis have done it. I bet a lot of nationalities have done, you know? Yeah. That's how you get started. It made me feel like I was picking up something on Friday after work and I was kind of pissed off because I have to switch my schedule on from work. But when I went there,

I was talking to her and I was like, how are you? She's like, I'm kind of tired. I'm like, oh, when did you start work? Because I thought she just had worked out with that one place that day. She's like, oh, well, I did the opening shift here from five to whatever. I worked late here last night until 11, so she has two jobs. Then she has to walk two miles home because the buses don't go, like, in between the side streets. And then she has to cook for everyone and go to sleep and wake up two hours later to do it all again.

And we complain. And I'm like, fuck, I just have to switch my schedule around to sit down and watch videos all day. So I was like, it makes you It makes you know It makes you It puts everything In perspective

And I tell people That all the fucking time I feel that all the fucking time You know I do a lot of shopping at Target And And to some of the place I go to

And I go out of my fucking neighborhood And I see You know Spanish races I don't know whether Salvador Or Nicaraguan

Or Mexican And I see a pregnant woman walking across the street pushing a kid With a kid holding And now some people say, look at that dirty bitch. She's a whole, whatever the fuck.

She's got kids. It's her problem. No, she's got kids, and she's fucking making it without a car. They might not all be her kids. Yeah, that's good. Like, that's good. Like, that's what that lady was saying. She was saying, her sister's kids over there, so she cooks at night because the other

mom works during the day. I was like, fuck. You know, they know how to put it. You ever go to, you know, people always call immigrants, whatever. I remember being a kid and going to the New Moon Chinese restaurant. Mm-hmm. And seeing the same people working there every night. and getting to be friendly with them.

You know, we had this conversation last week, and it really, it got, I tell you, I got a lot of fucking emails last week about that stupid story I told about people handing your fruit when you go to a community, like what communities were like in the supermarket when there was butchers. Got a lot of fucking emails on that this week.

What was I just talking about? About the Chinese restaurant. The Chinese restaurant. You go to a Chinese restaurant, you see two little kids sleeping on the table on the back. Yeah, do it homework. Yeah, yeah. You know, that's a family that got together

and said, We're going to buy a business and we're going to work it together. And we're going to make it work. And we're going to buy a house. And you're going to get the upstairs. And I'm going to get the downstairs. And we're going to rent out the basement. And we're going to do this until we keep making money.

Then we're going to buy the house next door. And I'm going to buy the house next door. And you see it. And that's the American fucking dream. Yep. But you have to sacrifice. You know, you've talked about the Calhoun in Boston in the Chinese place. They have, because my dad was friends with the owner.

Oh, that's right. They have houses. Like, and they ferry the waiters back and forth. is what I'm saying. So we get pissed off because people are crafty. Yeah. People are crafty. We don't want to be crafty.

We're born here. We're fucking Americans. Well, not me, but you were born here. You're an American. There's a lot of other people that were born here, but right away, you get pissed off. You get fucking pissed off because somebody's crafty and you aren't. I understand, man.

You want to fucking play Grand Theft Auto. You know, not you. I'm just not pointing you out. But you want to play Grand Theft Auto instead of being crafty. instead of going, you know what, I'm sick and tired of having this fucking job from 10 to 6. This is what I need to do. And that's what the choices are living in fucking America, that we don't take advantage of them. Once you take advantage of that, it all goes down the train.

You just become one of the, you know what I'm saying? That's the fucking thing I talk about. That's why it's hard for me to sit there every week and watch a TV show, because I know I should be doing something. That's the other end of the fucking coin for a guy like me. That's why when I see those immigrants, how they work, you know, these fucking, cab drivers, whatever the fuck they are. Indonesian, whatever the fuck they are. The ones that work at Burbank. I think a cab home for

Burbank. Those guys work seven days a week. Whatever the fuck they are, whatever you call them, terrorists, Iranians, Arabs, whatever fuck you call them. They work seven days a week, but you're too busy on Sunday watching the NFL. God forbid, you fucking miss the NFL. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about American and fucking general

that we've forgotten. I'm in that fucking guilty boat too. I don't like working fucking Sundays, but I work six days a week and I give it all I got. Remember, my wife goes to about 8.30 at night, and I'm not doing nothing. I get on the fucking computer, and I fucking write for an hour. And even if I get a half a fucking joke, I just work for a fucking hour. That counts.

That means I work six days a week. And I really do work seven days a week because I fly on fucking Sundays. You know what I'm saying? I fucking fly. So in my mind, listen, when I was growing up, my mother didn't have a fucking day off. You think I don't like vacations because I don't like vacation? No, because they would never instilled in me as a young man. Yeah.

No, well, vote fucking vacation. Vacations when you go to a MEC game for three hours. That's your vacation. After that, you're going to get back to fucking work. If not, you're complaining. Oh, my God, I got no money. But here I have big wangs dropping 40 bucks on a picture to watch the Pittsburgh play Cleveland,

which at the end of the fucking day, don't put nothing in your fucking pocket. See, how many Mexicans with fucking eight kids are watching football on a fucking Sunday? You know what I'm saying? I got a family down my block. Remember the TV, Red Band Gaming? Yeah.

You remember that? The big one. Who helped me carry that up the stairs? Did you ever hear that story? No. But who else me can't? Weren't you there? Me, you, Jerry LaRocca?

No. My wife. Maybe Jerry was there. Jerry was there. Well, Red Band had two big TVs, and one day he gave me a fucking TV. And I fucking brought it upstairs, and it's just so happened that the remote broke. Something happened with the remote control that, uh, that, uh, that was the defect of the television, so I had to get a new television.

So I didn't know what to do I got two Mexicans that live next door to me Okay And they got two fucking beat up trucks And every day the trucks are filled with junk But on the other side of that They have a Mercedes van A Mercedes

wagon like a station wagon And the kids live good But the father and the fucking son They're always working Like I go I get home from doing comedy 11 And they're out there fucking Hrying down the truck 11 o'clock at night So I asked them on there

I said hey I got this TV Do you know anybody we can move We go, let's take a look at it. This fucking thing had to weigh 800 fucking pounds. There's one of those old school big screen TVs. Yeah. You know how some people sit there and, oh, my God, well, how are we going to figure this out? Well, take the door off and let's open this up and get a rope, you know, and they think they're fucking swarmy.

These two Mexicans looked at each other. They looked at me and they go, we'll take it. And I go, how do you want to do it? Do you want to come back in the morning? They're like, morning. Right now. They fuck the old man, the father turned around. I don't know how to fuck he did it.

And he said something to the kid. Oh, blah, Goyla, they fucking picked up this TV that me, eight guys and a fucking Chinese guy couldn't fucking pick up. Him and his son picked this fucking television up and walked down the stairs like they do it every fucking day. Like nothing. There was no planning. There was no stretching.

They had no belt on. The belt, the gloves, you know, the hats. The fucking, they had no costume was on. They just knew one thing. They were fucking, going to work. Me and my wife fucking look at each other, our jaws dropped.

Till this day, we fucking talk about that night. Really? Well, there was no drama. My wife was like, I'd never seen anything like that in my life. That's the difference. When it's time to get fucking down,

it's time to fucking get down. I was thinking of an interesting story about when I left Boulder. You know, I watched somebody on Twitter. Twitter, I love you, motherfuckers. I love Twitter. I love Facebook. I love all you guys.

And I tell you what, But when I do these shows and you guys come out to the show and I put the face with the thing, I love you even more. Like this weekend I met like eight people up in Oregon that I fuck around with on Twitter. And it feels great. And I love what the people on Twitter do for me. I love what the social media does for me. They send me shit that I've never even seen. And somebody sent me the trailer, The Grudge Match, but the one from Kevin Hart.

Oh, they did the second trailer? Kevin Hart. I think. I don't know. Okay. And it opens up with me. Oh, cool. Like when you open it up.

It opens up. It's the same scene or whatever. But something just hit me. For one minute, I got sentimental. And I was thinking about how lucky I am. And I remember leaving Boulder. And I still remember what I had going on. I had nothing going on. I was just doing stand-up.

I was getting a little funnier. I was still hooked on blow. I was a good dad to Jackie. But everything else was falling the fuck apart. You know? And I said, you know, it's time for me to get the fuck out of here. Let me go do some stand-up and kind of clear the air and make something of myself, you know, and make her proud.

That's all I can do right now. I'm not going to win if I stay here. And I got to tell you something, when I got in that call, you ever hear people how, yeah, me and Lee are going to move out to Boston a year? What? I hate that. I have so many people who say that. What?

And me, and I had $180, Lee. $1008. When I left Boulder, I had $100,000,000. I had $100,000 and the clothes in my trunk. A basketball, you know. A basketball. A basketball. I could have to shoot hoops

so I could stay in shape, you know? And I remember I had two licenses, the same license, and I went into a gas station on the corner, I knew that I could do this. I filled up my tank, and I left my license because I wasn't coming back. But did it have your actual name on it?

Yeah, but who cares? They don't give a fuck. I filled up $30 worth of gas. What are they going to do? Go hump me down for $30? They got the license. I forgot. I left something, you know, whatever.

You know, it's the time, but I already had a spare license. Okay. And that's the story. That's the story. I even stole $30 worth of gas on the way out of town. I had a triple run. You know what the triple run is when you drive $8 in between?

And I had to go to Utah. And that was it. I had whatever money I had and the $80 from Utah. That's how this whole dream started. With $80 from a triple run and $180, I had maybe two joints, maybe some change in the ashtray, cassettes, you know. And you sit there and you go, And what kept me on that path?

And now you're opening up on trailer with... Yeah, but no, no, no. But the other thing, the other side of it is like, how fucking broke was I? Like, I had this dream, and I was just fucking broke. And I lived broke for fucking 10 years. I'm still fucking broke. But at least now it's manageable.

You understand me now? You understand how to make it. But I'm talking about broke, Lee. Go on to bed with not a dime in your pocket. nothing in the bank and just waking up and going, I got a half a joint and I get credit at the diner. That's it. That's all you have. So at least you could get half a joint in you,

go to the diner and get a good meal and get ready for the day and whatever the fuck. That's what it was. I can't imagine living. No. I got closed, but I never lived like that broke. Oh, no, it's a fucking nightmare. It's a fucking, when I first got to the store

and I spent that $80,000 from the commercial. And for two or three years, when I met Terry, I was broke. I remember one of the first dates, me and Terry went on. I took her to eat. We went back to Gardner. We hung out. And then I go, I got to go to New York in the morning. And she goes, well, you want me to drive you?

So that saved me the $30 cab ride. That day it was $30, $40. I had like $50 bill. And that's what was going to get me to New York, buy me cigarettes, get me food until I did the gig. I knew once I get to New York, I could borrow 20 from a friend of mine. That's how this is fucking. years ago. This is when I was 35 fucking years old. I got no reason to lie to nobody. I was 35

fucking years old. And I remember that in the morning, she goes, how much money do you have? And I told her, I got 50 bucks. And she looked at me. And Terry only had $44. And a half a pack of cigarettes. And she gave me 40 of that money after I took her on, like the third day. She goes, take this $40, give it to me when you come back, and take these five cigarettes. I'll buy cigarettes tonight and I'll sleep all day I'll get cigarettes at the comedy store that's how broke we were 15 fucking years ago is that like kind of when you knew like like she was like like Lee liked her or that's when I knew that she was in my corner I mean how many girls can you tell the truth on the third date that you're a

fucking brokster yeah and how many fucking people can you tell the story to that that's how broke I was I'd go to New York but not a dime Jesus and my friends would pick me up at the airport and I would hit him up for a 20 and then I would do the weekend and pay him the 20 back with a 30. Now, since you had to, like, is it harder? Like, just thinking about it,

I'm like, okay, well, you're doing comedy, but you probably have the urge to get a job. Like, that's what I was thinking when you told me, but then I was like, shit, Joey, you wouldn't go get a job. You probably start stealing or doing the Coke. Isn't that harder for, like, how hard is that for people who get out of prison? To what? To try.

Like, when they're that broke and had, like, I had the money a year ago when I was selling weed, Well, just do that until I get on my feet. Well, think about it. Think about you having nothing. Watson, I come over here one day.

Yeah. And I say, the elite, we got to make a move. Let's start selling wheat. And we go from fucking zero to heroes. And I'm not saying becoming a millionaire. I'm saying that we went from making no money to $1,200 a week. That's $4,800 a fucking month. That's $60,000 a year.

$60,000 a year when you pay $600 a month rent is a lot of money. Yeah. Okay. And then you double that. You go to $120,000 a year. And you do that for two or three years. And then you sell a pound of wheat to an undercover cop. And you end up going to jail or whatever.

You get arrested and you get put on probation. That money you put away is going towards your defense. You know how much of fucking defenses nowadays? Got to start at $30,000 fucking dollars. $30,000 to get a good fucking law. Or you could take your chance with a public defender. Hopefully you get caught up in a fucking ring and somebody has a public defender. so now it's a conflict of interest

so they have to give you a real attorney somebody outside the public defender's office okay you understand me so when you get arrested in a circle of people the first guy that fucking goes down in and it gets a public offender everybody says because now we get a real attorney because you and I can't have the same attorney

from the public defender's office to conflict of interest so they'll give you the state will pay a fucking real attorney that puts his name on a list instead of getting 300 an hour he'll take 180 just to have have work. And he'll do a

fucking great job for you. So that's what happens. You understand me? So still, a great defense is going to cost you 30 grand. And I'm talking fucking conservatively. I know I'm going to get a hundred people

going to join. Where the fuck do you get the ball? No, I know. It's 30,000 conservatively. And I know. That's the first check they ask for. Yeah, they want 10,000 just to take the case. You know, they're not going to take a fucking

reef a pound case pro bono, but that's not what the situation is about. So you, you, remember, the best time. to get arrested is after you got arrested. Okay, remember that. The best time to get arrested is after you get arrested.

Because now you've got the stink of arrest on you. I know people that have gotten in trouble driving and gotten pulled over for Coke. And a week later, they sell two ounces to an undercover cop. Oh, so you mean? Yeah, just in luck, just for fucking common knowledge. Always remember, the best time to get arrested is after you've been arrested.

I thought you meant like it was like a good time. Yeah, no, no, no. So the rest, when you come out of you come up? out of that jail, you got that stink on you now. Now it even becomes even more thinner. Well, the cops looking for you? They're like, oh, he's on bail? So now we got them. But if you're a big high

profile guy, now is when they go to work, because they want to see your reaction to that movement. You know, they want to see your reaction. Listen, when the feds are watching you, either they want you to, if they want you to see them or they don't want you to see them. If they don't want to see you, the feds and you're that high level, if you're fucking

terrorist or you're moving 20,000 kilos of fucking blow, if the Fentz don't want, they'll put a fucking satellite right over there with a camera. They'll put the fucking sound in your glass or even your fucking glass. Here it's the fucking sound, whatever you're saying in the living room. Yeah. I mean, in today's society, you're caught. You're dead.

Can't talk on the phone, can't talk on the cell phone. So they fucking got you, okay? But if one morning you wake up and there's a fucking cop car in front of your house, Lee, and every morning they're out there watching you. They're not watching you. They're watching your reaction. They're watching if you come to my house and go, Joey. get rid of everything. The cops are watching me.

They want to see where you go after you watch that cop car. Yeah. Do you understand me? It's a great fucking tactic. They want to just see where you're going. So you come out of jail or whatever fuck happens to you. You get a year probation. But now you have a family, so you can't sell weed no more. So now you can't make $100,000 no more,

but you still have that $100,000 mentality. Now, California just raised the level of minimum wage, $10 an hour. Oh, they did. So if you work 40 fucking hours a week, that's $400,000. That's before taxes. Yeah. So that's $1,600 a month, which comes out to fucking maybe $18,000 a year. So you're really going to take that $48,000 knock for about six weeks.

And then one day when you're digging that trance or you're taking shit from that customer, you're going to go, I don't fucking need this. I could go make. And you figure out a way. That's why I tell people, sometimes when society puts a criminal in jail, a smart guy, somebody who has like a criminal mind, like someone who has like a criminal mind, like, Something like me, I was born to have a criminal mind if I really wanted to. I just was saved by comedy.

But when you put a guy in jail, if that guy is smart, guess what happens when he gets out of prison? He's even smarter. He just planned it all? A guy like you that goes to prison, gets eight years for, like, computer fraud or whatever, you're going to navigate to other computer fraud people when you go to prison. Oh, yeah. And now you're going to know how you got caught. I'm going to know how I got caught.

He knows how he got caught. So now we just get smarter. Some people go to prison and become institutionalized and their fucking damaged goods. Some people go to prison to become better fucking criminals. Jesus? You know, the guy that took over the meddling cartel, Carlos laid there, taught the Colombians how to import the Coke.

Where did he get those routes in his head when he was in prison? You get better at some after you make a mistake, right? Yeah. If I keep kicking you in the left side of the fucking face, or if I keep kicking it on the right side of your face with my left fucking... After four fucking kicks,

you're going to start putting your hand up, right? Yeah. And now you could attack and now you took away one of my weapons. Same thing happens in life. Once you get together with three or four criminals of the smart criminals,

you got yourself a fucking problem. So they come out even stronger. It's like going to prison, you get steroids. So two type of people come out. A guy like me gets locked up for weed for two years. I come out and can't feed my family.

I'm going to make my system even sharper now, Especially if I was successful, especially if I was a successful guy. Not a lot of people succeed as a criminal. You've seen television shows, true TV, people that bang their heads through glasses. But a lot of people succeed. They go under the radar. They know that you can't be flashy. They know that you've got to hide your money.

They know you've got to have a day job. They know you better account for everything. They know the people around you better be fucking good and better have shut fucking mouths. It takes a lot. It's not easy being a drug dealer because it's not you. It's the 50 fucking people that you're selling to it. What happens if they get? pulled over at three in the morning. What happens if they get

caught talking on a fucking fucked up phone? That's the shit you got. But now, what do you do when you come out and you can't feed your family and your $48,000 minus? After a while, you've got to go back to selling fucking weed. Yeah, because no one would hire you. Like, at some, like, I can't imagine a lot of

these places because the minimum wage places have so many people applying. I was very lucky. Remember, I came, I got arrested at the beginning of the computer thing. At the computer. of the background check. There was a couple fucking jobs that hit me with background checks. It became corporate.

I couldn't get a job today. I could because it was 20 fucking years ago. I could talk my way out and go, what are you fucking crazy? It was 20 fucking years ago. But now to have a felony and get out of prison and go to apply for a job,

everybody does a background check. They're $10 now. They're fucking $8 now. And they throw a piss test in there for fucking free. So now people judge you on that fucking thing. So what are you going to do? Some people in there for fucking ever,

but what are you really going to fucking do? You're going to go, fuck it. I'm going to sell this shit and get better at it, and in three or four years I'll probably take another bus, or by that time I'll figure something to fuck out. Yeah, I mean, it just happened to our friend Gary. He fucking was in there for 20 years. It seemed like he was trying hard.

Gary wasn't trying hard. He wasn't? No, I talked to Danny, and Gary, Gary went into jail coming out thinking that life owed him something. And that's what Gary went wrong. And Danny's very generous. Danny will give you three quarters of what it's in his pocket. So Danny tried to help him.

And when Danny brought him out to his house, he loved Gary. Danny, like I said, if you called Danny be on cool up right now and said, Danny, I need a place to stay. You'd be at his house, bro. And he'd wake up and make eggs. That guy is straight. That guy is solid, solid, solid. I have no fucking doubt.

That guy takes care of more fucking people. He makes money to take care of people. He's got more than just his family on his payroll. He's got his mom on his payroll, and a cousin who's fucking half-retarded. So Gary, to him, was just another bill. It was just another two or three thousand. He tried to move Gary in, but Gary wasn't doing the right thing.

Oh, okay. I move you into my house. You can't do blow in my house if I'm not doing blow, especially if I got kids. You've got to make my life easier. If I move you in only, it's because you're going to make my life easy. Do I want you rubbing my toes or opening up my car, no.

But make my life a little easier. The first time my wife looks at me and goes, you got to talk to Lee, I got to get rid of you. You're following saying to you, and most of the time when people stay in your house, they're going to have to say you got to talk to Lee. You got to do the right thing. You're going to sweep. You've got to pick up the dishes. You've got to be nice to the wife. You've got to wash the car.

And you've got to have your own life, but you're on the couch. So you've got to do it the right way. And, you know, when the probation thing came to Danny and said that he couldn't stay there, Danny was relieved in a way. because he did him a favor. He couldn't throw his brother out, but he saw his brother wasn't getting no better. You have to make positive fucking strides, and you know.

Listen, I've never liked it. Last night I was sitting there watching that game before I called you. It was 9-10, right? When I called you by 9 o'clock. And I'm watching this game, and I'm thinking to myself, like, how 30 years later I still don't like going out at night.

Like, I work at night, you know? Like, everything. I hate going out at night. Like, I lived my life on probation. And when I was younger, I couldn't because I lived on people's couches. So you can't stay at somebody's house all night. How are you? Are you watching Dynasty?

I'm going to watch Dynasty, too. You got to get out of the house, and I fucking hate it. And how now I'm really happy because I get to stay home at night. I've always lived my life on the daylight to daylight probation. I get out of the house when it's sun out. I try to come in. If I go out at night, it's to fucking get paid. Yeah.

A lot of bad shit happens at night. And when you're staying at somebody's house, so you're trying to, you know, you're in a bar, you're having a fucking drink. A fight breaks out. Somebody gets stabbed. The cops come in, they shut the bar down. They ask you for your ID. You're on probation and parole.

You didn't even do nothing. You just went out to have a beer and throw a fucking smoke a cigarette. You're not even high on drugs. Maybe you didn't even drink. You're on parole. Maybe you just went out having club soda. And I'm talking to Lee and his girlfriend, two friends. line from high school. It's 11 o'clock at night. Guess what's going to happen? The next time

you fucking go to parole or probation, they're going to go, we got an incident report. You were out at a bar, 1130. Yeah, but I wasn't drinking, but you shouldn't have been there. And you're going to have to go to court and put up with all this shit. And it wasn't even worth for you to be out. It's like bringing a woman to your room. She's not going to suck your dick. Don't waste your time. Why are you going to have a body up in your fucking room if she's not going to, you know what I'm saying. Remember Michael Irvin used to get in trouble and all that shit? Yeah.

Remember, and Mike Tyson, they couldn't rape them if they weren't in your fucking room. You know, there's always a fucking payoff for all this shit. That's why you got to live so fucking careful. Yeah, and I'm not, I know, like, you didn't live care. Like, you weren't an angel when you got out of prison, but you kind of, at least when you got to L.A., it seemed like you stopped a lot of the other major stuff? I wasn't an angel in Boulder, but I stayed under the level. There's a big difference between.

I stayed under the radar. You could be a criminal and stay under the radar. It's just small pickings. But that's one thing. So, like, why? At a certain point, when you're, to survive, you're stealing $30 of gas. And, like, what's, what, like, why aren't you, like, fuck it.

Like, what, like, I'll still, like, comedy's not that important or staying in a jail is not that important. Like, what, like, why did you not revert to it? Selling blow and doing all that craziness? Like, the, like, an amount that would have. made you more money than getting 30 bucks on gas. It wasn't even about stealing

a 30 bucks of gas. It was talking about how broke I was. No, that's what I'm saying. I wasn't really stealing about 30 bucks of gas. When I got out of prison, I knew I didn't want to go back in there. But I also knew I didn't want to work for $10 now. No. So I had to find a happy meeting. So the first thing I did was covering my income. You know why I left Boulder? There was so many variables where I left Boulder. But do you want me to tell you what the main variable was?

It was going to either kill them. my ex-wife and her husband. But there was one other thing. You know how much my rent was? How much? $400 a month. You know what that meant? What?

That meant I had no... I can make $400 on my couch. I'm the type of guy I can make $400 fucking on my couch. So I had no drive. All I had to come up was $400 a month. I used to work at the sports betting service and I put $20 a week or whatever I put away $50 a week.

And the off season, they mail your checks. So they'd say, how much money do you want a month? I said, $6.50, because I'd pay $400 for rent and $250 for groceries or for the light or for power, and the rest that could earn on the street. There's a gift that I have that a lot of people do not have, and that's how to rock and roll. You've been around me for a long time. You know, I know how to rock and roll. Now, there's two people who know how to rock and roll.

There's two types of rock and roll. There's people that you could say, hey, we've got to get a job. And they'll go, okay, I'll put resumes out online and, you know, no. I'm talking about it. It's Monday at 8 and you gotta have a job by the time you get back on Tuesday. That was me. I know how to do that. I also know how to put money in my pocket like that.

I know that that's okay. And you're right. That's a great question. When I got out of prison, I made little moves. But I made little moves. For example, instead of buying a half ounce of Coke and selling it gram by gram, I still had somebody who would call me once a month and go, hey, I need a half ounce of, To Coke. Do you know what I get one? Oh. And I'd say sure and I call the guy and say, what do you got for half ounce of coke? Well, I need eight hundred hours. Give it to me for seven, dog. Give it to me for seven cash. I know you're a long time. I called the kid back and go, I need $9.50. So I made $2.50 on the top. Plus, bam. I'm going to take a gram of two out and throw two grams of aspirin in that motherfucker. So I can get my dick sucked and have a party, too. A lot of people don't have that gift that could flip money on the fucking dime. That's one thing I was always very good at. So right there,

I dealt with somebody who I knew. It wasn't like I was going to a bar to sell coke to fucking strangers. You know, you would call me and say, Joey. I just want my girlfriend's coming over. She wants to get an eight ball. And I make 50 bucks on you. 50 bucks is a lot of fucking money when your rent is 400 and you're broke. My rent was four.

It cost me whatever to eat. And my child support at the time was 335. So that's how easy my life was. It was no challenge. It was a shit challenge. So that's why you left? I was the other reason. I like challenges.

$400 a month rent. I was lazy. I delivered Chinese food. I sold Coke to people I knew. I delivered Chinese food and I try to do comedy. That's what I didn't. I didn't carry a weapon.

So like I said to you, there's little things you can do to get by. Eventually you're going to get caught. On some bad day, you're going to get caught. You're going to be driving the Coke to your friend's house and you're going to get pulled over. And he's going to see that you're fucking jittery. So the odds are always against Julie.

You know, thank God that I stopped. Thank God, you know. And even in Seattle, maybe I sold a little Coke from time to time. And then here I saw a little Coke from time to time. But one day it fucking ended. You know, I sold Coke to like 2002 probably. And just little moves. Like, we're partying.

And somebody says, hey, well, again, somebody, you know, I got Coke for people. You know what I'm saying? Like I did that. So that's what I'm trying to save you. What? Is there any amount of someone? guy was like listen like let's say

it was someone like who you knew like is there like a guy who'd like I have a million like this will make you a million dollars would you do it today? No. No? Not today. Like I didn't know if it was like a crazy number where you'd like

fuck it. Like there's no part of God. I can't imagine giving that up to be honest. What's that? All that like easy money. Like I'm not in that world and I wouldn't survive in it but if I get something that was making me 20,000 a month, it'd be hard, no matter how...

It'd be fucking hard. It'd be hard for anybody. Listen, it'd be hard. That is why good people get caught up in things. Good people get caught up in things. It's not that they become bad. It's that they just, good people get caught up in things. Breaking Bad with such a great show.

You want me tell you why Breaking Bad was such a great show? Why? Because it related to everybody at this country at the time it came out. Everybody knows what it's like to be unimportant. to be sick, to have a problem with your health. Nobody wants to help. You get sick in today's fucking economy. I don't know what Obama is going to be like.

You know, I just, I'm very happy. I have insurance. And if you listen to these podcasts, and you listen to the one before I did this on a podcast, I've always preached for everybody to have the number one thing going is insurance. If you don't have insurance in today's country, it's a fucking nightmare for you. It really fucking is.

Can you? and you don't have insurance either. You have your parents' insurance. Yeah, I'm lucky. And you're lucky, you know, not having insurance in today's economy is fucking have death. If you get sick at an early age

with no insurance, you're going to fucking have a hard time. They're going to put you in state hospitals. You know what I'm saying? It's fucking hard. Even with insurance, there's a bunch of scumbags out there. I can't imagine living your life

with no fucking insurance. And thinking it's cute, let me tell you some. I had insurance for years. I've never used it late. Like an asshole that I am. Never used it. World-class insurance.

Sag insurance. Never used it. Thank God. This girl talked me into going down and going to the dentist and going to the doctor and taking care of my sleep apnea and whatever the fuck it is. You know, you have no insurance in today's fucking economy. You're fucking dead.

Dead. Dead. You know, dead. That's why they don't know what to expect. I don't want to get into politics here, but they don't know. I've been reading and I've been listening to this because it scares me. You know, we've been hearing about no Social Security for 30 fucking years.

Eventually, it's not going to be, you're going to be 65 and get who got it's in the fucking mail. They're going to send your fucking toothpaste. That's it. You get toothpaste and a fucking aspirin, you know, you can't fucking do it. So, it's, it's very, they make it very difficult for somebody to turn. I was very fortunate. Dog, you have no idea that how comedy saved me. For some people, it's a DJ.

Comedy fucking saved me. Comedy fucking saved me. I don't know how to say it or thank it. and it might and it's not going to be comedy for you it could be plumbing it could be jujitsu it could be running it could be just getting into something that you love and weigh the odds do i rather would i rather go to bed on a peanut butter sandwich and do what i love tomorrow or sell coke and have a chance of going to prison and not being able to do what i love or putting my family in a bad position that's the fucking thing you have and i get one of those emails a week that hey i can't make it no more should i go back to

fucking selling drugs. Whatever. I don't want anybody to sell fucking drugs, but you can't starve either. Mm-hmm. And you know what? There's so many...

We got to come on. Oh shit. Oh, shit. Good morning, my little brother. How are you, friend? What's happening, my man? Not too much. It's trying to get through this

crazy storm that we've been having here in Portland. So it's still continuing since Friday? It's still coming down? Man, I think it's got worse. Yeah, well, it was supposed to get worse that Sunday night. It was when the typhoon was coming in, they said.

Yeah, I mean, last night it was crazy. I kind of live out in the mountains, so when the wind gets going, you know, trees are blowing down, and, man, it got crazy last night. It's still pouring and crappy today. What is the weather station? How long is it going to stay up there, like? How long is the bad weather going to stay in town? for? I mean, you never really know looking at the weather report, but I mean, it's said

till, I think, till Wednesday. Wow. On the line is the fucking man of the hour, my man, Pat Healy. Thank you very much for coming to the show and for the support you've always given me. You're a fucking great guy. How you doing today, my friend? I mean, beside the fucking rain, hit me with something good. No, I'm good, man. It was a great weekend. I really enjoyed the show. You know, it was just, yeah, it was all around good weekend. You know what kills me about going up there to that part of the country like there or Seattle that, you know, you live here in California, and they have all this medical marijuana and stuff like that. And you're like, you know, it's a great day to smoke a joint, go out in the sun. Well, up there in Portland, Seattle, it's a fucking great day to smoke a joint, just stay the fuck in the house.

Like, Typhoon weather, you're like, fuck it, I'm just going to stay home, get some donuts and watch your breaking bed. from season one. That's what I would do now because I haven't seen the whole show but you know that's what's good about living in that weather. It even works for training you know you just say fuck it for three days I'm gonna do jumping jacks and yeah no you definitely gotta find your inside activities and you're gonna have that a couple of go things to do inside where you don't leave. Now does it stay like that the rest of the winter pat? Yeah.

I mean, we had a really good summer, so I'm expecting the winter's going to be really bad. But, I mean, it does, I mean, it's just the rain. It never gets too cold, but it's just like, man, you get those days where, like, 15, 20 days of pretty much no sun and straight rain. That's when it kind of gets to you. That's what makes you so fucking tough. After 20 days of seeing no sun, you want to punch somebody right in the fucking head. That's what's got to. I would love it.

I would love to be up to you. 30 days before a fight just to get pissed off like when is this fucking son gonna come on i'm gonna kill somebody and he just fucking karate chop somebody let me let me tell you something like i told you the other night i'm really sorry about cancel the podcast last week like i said i i booked the tv show and i really wanted to have you on and i wanted to tell the people from the church what i told you the other day and we're outside i uh you said hello to me in new jersey backstage at the wayans before you fought jim miller and you're like oh we had a great time and i was like that guy's big like you were a big guy. I couldn't believe how big and strong you were.

And in the back of my head, I go, that motherfucker might beat up Jim Miller. And I'm sitting there stoned in the stadium watching. You come out and Jim Miller comes out and they go crazy and his family is there and his third great teachers there and, you know, his Cub Scout friends are there. And you fucking come out and roll over him in New Jersey. And I'm sitting there thinking this fucking guy didn't get the memo that he's not supposed to beat up a Miller in New Jersey. But you didn't get the memo.

You wiped your ass with it. And I always want to shake your hand and hug you. Like, you blew my fucking mind that day. Well, it was definitely a good... You know, I think any time the crowd's, like, involved, you know, that makes it funner. Even if they're booing you, if they're cheering you, but just, like, the energy they bring when they're really excited,

I think that's the funnest times of fight. And actually, I was really expected New Jersey, I expected people yelling at me when I was walking out and hecklers, but it was all good. They were just fired up and were cheering, you know, mostly for Jim, but, you know, it works. So you just beat off that energy, I think. It's not like, you know, you squeaked over a decision and they were unhappy. I mean, they knew that you did a great job, so they're not going to heckle you or nothing. They're realistic people.

That was a good night of fight. Now, your base pedigree is wrestling, correct? Yeah, yeah. And then you got into MMA later on. Yeah, sure. I actually got into it like, you know, we had kind of a friend up the street who was into it in our neighborhood. And me and my brother got into it pretty young like 15. So that kind of was always like, I was always really into MMA.

And, you know, wrestling kind of was something I was doing like with my, you know, mind still on MMA. And it's so funny how I only know you from the UFC. Like I saw you fight Miller, and then I saw you fight once before, both in the UFC. And I liked both fights, and I was like, wow, that guy's a fucking savage. And then the other night somebody said something outside, and I went back to the hotel room, and they said, you were one of the guys to beat Carlos Conduit early on. I didn't know what they were talking about. I'm like, did I miss that fucking fight?

You know, and I went back to the room, and I seen you fought him and Paul Daly early on. you fought everybody. Yeah, you know, I think that was kind of an organ thing at the time where, you know, we had like, like, Dennis Holman was kind of like an early, like, guy who was real well-connected in an area so they could kind of get you fights with whoever. And, you know, when I was kind of growing up through that stage, I was, you know, didn't have a lot of money, and they just offer me a fight. I'd be like, yeah, that sounds great, you know.

You want to fight this guy in two weeks? Sure, yeah, sounds great. So, I mean, that's how I kind of got into it, was, like, take anything they'd throw at me and didn't really have anybody, like, guided me or looking out, like, hey, man, maybe you shouldn't take a fight like that yet, but, you know, it all worked out for me. Yeah, no, you had Paul Daly, Jay Haran.

I mean, you fought, and it's so weird how comedy is sort of like fighting, except without the beating. Like the audience doesn't laugh, but you still get the mental beating with fighting. They just punch you in the face and then they're for you. But it's so weird how the beginnings of comedy and fighting are pretty much the same because you go through the people that you're going to see later on.

Like you're still with some, like Eddie Bravo. I was throwing him one day, and he was telling me that he knew, you know, the big guy from Vegas. You know, the big guy. What's his name? The Black Mountain Jiu-Jitsu. That's a big guy.

that we, Roy Nelson, that he knew Roy Nelson 10 years ago when he was a fucking purple belt from tournaments, you know, that he knew Frank Meir from jiu-jitsu tournaments. And now you see each other again and now you're not even doing jiu-jitsu, you're on to the next level. You know, when I started comedy in Seattle, I lived in Seattle for a while, it was Aisha Taylor that has her show and Josh Wolf and Brody. And this is the people that I ran with, and now we're on to different things. So that's what I try to say.

It's kind of weird how you see. people early on, then you meet up with them later on in your careers. That's what I'm trying to say. So, yeah, but you have an impressive goddamn fucking resume, man. You wrestle the Southwestern. I mean, you're no fucking joke. You're a killer guy. You're a killer.

Yeah. It's been a, you know, it's been a good ride. I mean, kind of like how you were saying, I remember, like, those early years, especially the guys that were big at the time, like Randy, Josh Barnett. I remember being at this little AMC with Matt Hume runs his gym, a little grappling tournament, and it was like Randy Couture, Bob Sapp, Josh Barnett, like all these people you'd like seen on TV, and they were just at this grappling tournament with maybe 20 people, you know,

in the crowd and just everybody was hanging out. So it was cool to kind of be there, you know, at the start and see, you know, to know a lot of people before, you know, things got bigger. You know, that's amazing. You said something. You said that people would come up to you and say, hey, you want to fight in two weeks? I would fucking die. If somebody came up to me and said, hey, I got to fight for you in two weeks.

Two fucking weeks. Two weeks. It would have to be like three months from me. And then I tap out after, with a month left, I call you and say, dog, I twisted my ankle. Like, that's enough fucking time. But two weeks, that doesn't give you enough time to quit. Like, once you say, yeah, you're in for fucking good, you know? Oh my God, just saying that

When you said that I swear Pat, my heart stopped Like somebody going, hey, you want to fight Like somebody just calling you in the morning Like there you are watching like the view Or SpongeBob and all some of the phone rings Hey, you busy? No, no, what's up?

I gotta fight for you in two weeks. What? Okay, yeah, I'll be there. Are you fucking crazy? I ain't showing up. Now if it happens then I'll fight you But I can't just imagine like having to show up Like in two weeks. Like yeah, I'll come down.

But it's just fear. It's just fear. but I get the same feel with comedy sometimes. Like, I gotta go down there. People are gonna fucking hate me. It's fucking great, man. No, man, I think what you do is way worse, because, like, if things go bad when you're up there,

like, there's no, you know, it's like when you're fighting, you're in the fight, but you don't really notice. But, man, when it goes bad when you're up there, you just got to kind of, like, ride it out or try to swing the tide. like I listen if you get hit in the head and you go down right and you wake up and you know you look at fucking uh you know mazagati's there and whatever is putting fucking ammonia under your nose and they carry you out that's one thing but I couldn't even remember when what was his name Calib Barnes ran around in that fight and everybody started booing him oh yeah like I would De Calib that was his name nice nice kid I met him at one of the wayans or something but that's that would be fucking mind-boggling to go out there. I've fucking bombed. Pat, I've bombed hard, and I've bombed in Hollywood where after three minutes you want to faint. Like, you just fucking feel your knees going out.

When you could hear the air conditioner, that's terrible. When you could hear the fucking air conditioner and the dishes clanging in the back and they're just staring at you, oh my God, I don't know what it would be like to get hit in the head and to wake up. That would be fucking horrible. Well, I'm telling you, because if you get hit hard and stuff, you kind of like you wake up, like, you know, you're in kind of this, like, dream state.

So it's never, you know, it's never really that bad until the next day when things kind of sink in, like, oh, man, like, that was a terrible performance or something like that. Like, that's the harder part of, like, the next day. And then you have to, like, face all your friends and family, you know,

you knew you were fighting like everybody's all that expects you to win and they're all excited for you and if it doesn't go well then it's like come back and you have to like run the gauntlet and everybody wants to call you and like oh man you are alright you know like

yeah I'm fine man you have to just roll with that stuff but and I'm telling you like I'll think about that when I go to comedy shows like man if you start bombing up there like that's got to be so much worse I don't know.

I mean, you know, you bomb so much in the beginning, and then the more you do it, your percentages go against you, so you'll bomb two out of every ten times. I bomb a lot, Pat. Even recently, I bomb not in big shows, like when I go to cities like that, because I come out so fired up. But when I'm in L.A., I bomb a lot. People fucking hate me.

And when I do shows, it's hysterical, but I'm used to it. like I you know what bombing is to me Pat like getting put on my back like to me bombing would be equivalent to getting put on your back and a guy's in the mount over you and I don't mind being in that position for a little while you know it's great to get out of a fucking when somebody's mounted on top you and that's what it feels like for me like that's what be the comparison and sometimes it's good to get yourself in that position and to get yourself out of it. And the only way you do that, Pat, is by keep going down to that fucking gym. For me, it's to keep going down on that stage, you know? It's so weird how this works. You ever watch a fighter and, like, he gets taken down and he can't? And you're like, fuck, that happened to you the last fight. How didn't you work on that?

I mean, like you said, just putting yourself in that position and trying to work out of it. Yeah, and that's what, bombing to me, like in the beginning, I would take bombing and I go home and maybe cry or I would fucking go home and do blow or something and then I thought to myself bombing was an education and then I read something about a year ago about Jiu-Jitsu that when you get tapped out, when you get choked out, you learn something and I started making correlations how it's the same fucking thing

you know what next time I'll keep my elbow fucking lower you know sometimes you go on stage pat and you come out with something real strong at first and if you hit them a little too hard you lost them for the rest of the show. That's a long fucking knife. That's 45 minutes of... Yeah. But, you know, I've learned...

I've become a better comedian since I watched MMA, you know? Sure. Well, it's sense the way you put it. I mean, I never thought about... You know, because, like, the times I saw you hear, I couldn't imagine you bombing, you know?

Like, your shows here, the two I saw were so strong. They were hilarious. from start to finish. So, you know, I can't believe, like, you know, you still have to experience that every once in a while. Well, you've got to fight. You have to.

I mean, I love it. I love having mediocre set sometimes, so I go back to my room, and, you know, it makes me want to stay up until three, and maybe make adjustments. It's the same thing. The fighting and comedy, it's just making adjustments. And the more adjustments you make,

the better you fucking get, you know. And that's it until you're a fight. fucking champion like you. I can see you being a champion, Pat. You're a bad motherfucker, dog. It's right in your path. You know it and I know it, you know? Well, I'm certainly working towards that. I got certainly the goal. You've got the fucking tenacity. What are they saying? What's your next fight? Anything? Have you heard anything? Nah, I should know. I think they'll throw one at me here pretty quick. So I'm expecting to hear

something in the next week or two. Maybe Super Bowl weekend in New Jersey again. Okay, that would be an unreal thing to be a part of it. Yeah, that would be great. I mean, you know what, man, I'm not going to go. Oh, yeah? I'm scared. I'm scared myself. It's too much traffic.

But you guys are going to be great because you're going to be in Newark and you're just fighting Newark. You know, you don't have to drive around and move around. Sure. But the fucking Super Bowl and a UFC there, the same weekend. That's a lot of people. That's a potential for a lot of fucking stabbing. Hey, Pat, this is Lee.

the show. I was thinking about that. When Joey said he would bomb, he could go on stage the next night and kind of try to fix it. You have like months off in between fights. What's that like when you want to work on something new? Because I can imagine during practice you kind of work on it, but it's not the same as being

in a real fight. Yeah, I mean, I guess just, you know, like, you know, you have to be pretty, it's not like you can just like put yourself in sparring in really bad positions and just take a beating trying to work it out. So it's more like when you have to break this stuff down, like you can focus on, you know, if it was your ground, that was giving you trouble,

then you can do it in jiu-jitsu and really break it down that way with a bunch of different guys and everybody kind of working, trying to help you work it out. Or like, you know, if it's stand up, then you're, can work with your boxing coach or whatever and try to figure out, like, okay, you were doing this or that, wrong, you know, and just try to work on it that way. But, yeah, I mean, that's the only real way to, is doing it in the gym. Well, yeah, even, well, Joe, like, even, like, let's say you won. Like, let's say, Joe, you had the best set of your life, but you couldn't go on stage again for three months.

Like, how, like, that's, that's, that must be weird. Oh, my God. That's like, again, that's like getting tied up and somebody tickling your asshole with a feather, you know. That's a fucking nightmare right there. That's a goddamn, you know, it's so weird. I was talking to Joe one day, and he was saying that after Chris Whiteman beat Anderson Silver, he was walking back.

And what's one of his trainers, Weidman's, a jiu-jitsu guy, that's like a genius. You know how I'm talking about, Pat? Oh, yes. You know how I'm talking about it. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I can't think of his name off the top. Well, this guy is like eccentric,

and he knows a lot of jih Tzu Lee. I forget what his name is. And he goes, the guy just beat Anderson Silver. And he went to congratulate the coach, and the coach looked at Joe and goes, I don't know, I'm not too happy. He couldn't take those leg kicks. Like, the guy just beat Anderson Silver.

But this guy is talking about how he couldn't take fucking leg kicks. Like, that's a true professional right there. And that's how I think sometimes. Even though I bombed, I fucked up that joke. I didn't know. Well, let's say even though I did. I fucked up that joke. The audience didn't know because the energy of the joke kept it going,

but I really fucked it up. And that's what I feel sometimes when I get off. Yeah, I had a great show, but I fucked it up. There's another thing that happens, that you have a good show, but because they kind of like you, it becomes a better show, but you know that you did a bad performance. You ever have one of those, Pat? Oh, sure.

Yeah, where you still win, but you know you lost. Like, you go home going, fuck, those people didn't see my flaws tonight. They like me, and we get along, so they just went along with it. They're very nice people. But in a real world, I didn't do a good job tonight. And that happens, too. I mean, it's, you live and you learn, Pat. You know what I'm saying, brother?

Yeah. That's what's good about this. Yeah, no, I mean, you can nitpick everything, you know? Like, kind of like I said, a Weidman's guy was, you know, saying that after he won, like you can always find something that wasn't perfect or something you can improve on. And, yeah, I mean, I think that's the struggle

of the things we do, you know. Like, there's never going to be really that perfect performance. You know, that's when, that's what ego gets in the way, when you think that you're fucking too good, and then you really get the fuck knocked out of you. And that's when in comedy, when you're really fucking bomb and they start throwing tomatoes at you and shit like that.

Thank God, people. don't throw tomatoes no more. Thank fucking God. I'd have a thousand red shirts. Pat, man, I'm happy that you called. We're going to get a date to go back up there on a Thursday, like an isolated one. She's going to call my

agent this week, and I'm going to call you, Pat, because I want you to come down, and we're going to talk training and fucking backflips and the whole thing and hunting and everything. You still go hunting a lot? Oh, yeah, man. I just do bird hunting. I got a dog who's just great with it

and he's like my best friend and so I really just do it for him I enjoy it it's harder than you know regular hunting you got to have some actual skill in it so that's really what I like to do you shoot fucking birds Jesus Christ I love you

I like everything about you I gotta go up there shoot some fucking birds or you some pigeons and shit I hate fucking pigeons pigeons yeah that'd be a perfect thing yeah I'll take you when you come up tonight.

Pat, you're a good man, and you know, I'm always cheering for you, man, in my heart. After what I saw, you did, that was fucking amazing. So you're a friend of the show, and please call it any time, and any time I'm going to go up there, I'm going to call you and we'll hook up, all right? I want you to teach me some jihitsu moves.

I'm only a white belt with no stripes, but I got all the potential. That's it, man, that's where it starts. I show up, you know, I show up. That's all I can do, dog, is I show up, and I try to mount motherfuckers, and, you know, I put my sternum, I'm there stern and I let it go to work.

That's all I can do, dog. That's perfect. That's how it starts. Have a great day, buddy. Thank you. Hey, I really appreciate you. You guys taking the time, man. I wanted to talk to you for a long time,

so now you're a family. Now you call him once a month and we'll fucking break your balls and shit, all right? Sounds good to me. Give the wife a kiss. He's very cute. All right. All right.

Stay black. Is his name? Bam, bam. John Danerher? John Dehue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, John Denner. That's hysterical, and that's what you really, when you're a champion dog, when you want to be good at something, that's how honest you have to be with yourself.

There's a lot of people that aren't honest with themselves. I was one of those people. I was never honest with them. And now I'm over-honest with myself because I never want to get, you know what I'm saying? You don't need to get light to. You know what you do. That blows my mind. Like, I, like, you got me too high before.

So, like, when he's, when I was thinking about it, I, like, it blew my mind. Like, I know. Like, it's for me who I have a regular job. If I make a mistake, I, I, I, I get pissed off. Like, oh, shit, I can't, I shouldn't do that. But I get to go in the next day and kind of fix it. I can't imagine either making a mistake,

or even if you do great, and you can't do it again, really, for three months. You can practice it. But, like, I can't even, that's so weird to me. I love what I do. And part of the reason why I love what I do is I get challenged. Every time I go out there, I see you people. When I get up on that stage now,

and I get fired the fuck up, because I know that the effort you put into coming to see me. before I never appreciated that. I never really did until about a year, two years ago. I just thought that everybody liked that. No, you have to get in your car and come down on time and drink and bring your girlfriend and eat a pot cookie and make sure it hits and all this shit.

So I appreciate that. So on my end now, I got to be the best that I can fucking be. You know, I used to go on stage and do a lot more wing material. I don't do that no more. If you pay to come see me, I want you to fucking leave. I'm going to machine you're the fucking debt. You know what I'm saying? and I'm going to keep writing,

but I used to do a lot more newer material. Now I don't release that until I got something really for them to bite on. You know, like I really care about my audiences now because I want them to leave with a good... I don't sell T-shirts at my shows. I don't sell CDs.

You know why, Lee? I want to focus on the stand-up. I'm too embarrassed for them to even... I'm embarrassed for them to pay the $20. Never mind another 20 for a shirt, another 15 for... I don't want that. I don't want that to get in the way.

I don't want that, you know, I got to sit there and pace because there's no, fuck all that shit. I don't want that. I just want to go there to do fucking comedy. That's why there's a lot of people I can't work with because they want to do this and this and there's too much movement and they want to take pictures.

No, you know, somebody came up to me a damn port and said, can I ask you a question? Why do you come out here and talk to us? You know, why do you come out here and talk and before the shows and talk to people? I don't like taking pictures before the show because then we're all over each other and there's too many combinations,

but I like if you come up to me and say hello because I want to see who comes to these shows. I want to see who I'm dealing with you. You know what I'm saying? And I love you fucking people. I love Lee. I got a fucking life now, man. I never had a life before.

I got people that depend on me and I depend on them. And that's completely different. That's never been thought of in comedy. I depend on you guys. And you depend. We got, I'll make you laugh. I'll give you the whole fucking thing.

We'll smoke dope. We'll eat a fucking goomy bear. You know, look. Would you just take the second half? I just ate the second half. And it's the energy. Look at this. I still got my little rosebud fucking weed containers.

I don't fuck around with these people. You know? And you gotta take care of yourself. Like I fucking went and I smoke so much fucking dope on Friday night with these people. I went back to my room, Friday night. I had a little sore throat. So I had those on it things from the flight. Oh, the- Fucked yeah.

I took like two of those and I fucking slept like a baby. I took the night one. The night pill. I went to sleep. I got up. I went downstairs. I had oatmeal, some fruit. I went back upstairs, took a shit.

I slept another three hours. That's how good. that fucking Noonwood was. So when you're on the road? Like, I want to take care of myself this week because I got to shoot this movie from fucking Tuesday to Thursday right down the block for shooting.

Oh shit. Oh, shit. Yeah, you're going to stop by. They only got to have no food. That bunch of cheap motherfuckers. But it was weird how I tried those powders. And when I talked to Arby, goes, we're going to make them better.

Look at me. I feel great today. I took a two-hour nap yesterday afternoon. Don't fuck around no more. Go to honor.com. I'm not going to fucking tell you people again. My skin looks healthier. Everything looks better.

That's why. I'm looking older, though. My fucking hair's turning away. They want to go fucking diet today. I got enough time. I got to go cut it and shit today for these fucking people. I don't have time for this shit no more. I just want to do the podcast.

I do stand-up on the weekends. That's all I want to fucking do. You know what I'm saying? But go to Hon.com, see what they got. Get the mixing match collection. Get some alpha brain, some new mood, and some shoem tech, and take it to the fucking bank. You know what I get sick?

This is flu season. Now, I swear to God, I don't feel that bad. And I smoke a thousand fucking joints in the rain. in Portland, Oregon. They know it. I saw you walking in the rain. Go, motherfucker.

So look at me. I ain't coughing. I ain't sniffling. That's that fucking alpha brain. And that's that little package I got from fucking Onet. So you don't need no flu shot where you're going to go shoot fucking duck flu in you?

For what? Take the fucking Alpha Brain. Go to Onet.com. Knock yourself out. Let me get some shout out to you. Yeah, whatever the fuck it is. Mac Bligh, Rose Buds, and Oregon. I said, I love you.

Chris Crazy, you black motherfucker, I love you. Chris Menke, Larry something, Greg Lynn Powers. They brought us some beautiful fucking sweatshirts. Oh, nice. With North Bergen, I brought mine. I forgot to bring yours. You got to come over. And Monster Bound, nice office and shit like that down there.

They're jumping up and down. We're not releasing the CD. We're going to re-fucking do it and release it around the fucking holidays, around the movie. And then we're going to have the fucking close the window tour, 2014, along with the podcast tour. That's what we're going to do it, Lee. We're not fucking around it. wait. We're taking it to the hoop. What else is going on? You bad motherfucker. Look at you. So you're back on the fucking carry juice tomorrow. I'm going to hold you to it.

That's it for a month. No food. No tamales. No tacos. She made me dinner for the first time. What she make you? Chicken, broccoli, and mashed potatoes was delicious. Oh, shit. I was like, oh, actually, should I help? And now, she, like, made me stay in the room. And it was a, like, those little things really mean a lot. Like, especially, like, I don't know. Like, it's weird. I don't like.

You're in love? Yeah. Okay. I'm happy. You're in love. You love good. Yeah. Those other freaks, they got me. They called you to go to a party with their boring little penguin-looking asses. For what?

These motherfuckers don't know you're over here with your feet up like a doctor. Yeah. Mama was making a chicken they want to call. Go to Northridge with those freaky motherfuckers. The fuck out of you. You're a major league pimp now. You're saying? You got time to hang out with peasants.

She's still dating the fucking guy from work? Yeah. Is she? Yeah. Don't lie to me. Why would I lie to you? I don't know. What about her little Chinese friend?

What she doing? Still living there? The fuck out of here. Come over here and bore me to death. Nobody's sucking dick. They want to come over and eat your chips and not suck your dick. What kind of respect is that Lee Syatt?

You know what I'm saying? Let's smoke some more dope. You want to eat this edible? No. Put on fucking walking the dog by Arrow Smith. This is all the first album, by the way. Like I was telling Lee, that fucking song in the beginning is called Moving.

The second song on this album that I love them. They're walking a dog. It's an old fucking jam, but they redid it. And then they also have a dream on on here. Let me tell you something about Aerosmith. For them to come out with this, do me the favor, man. Don't even buy it on it. I don't know where it is online. It's on YouTube, the 40th anniversary of the first Aerosmith. I'll put that song on for them while we smoked this number. Monday, the last day of September. Get out there, Cucksuck, you're going to smoke some dopamine? What are you doing, Wayne? Come on. Take some more hits with Uncle Joe.

Oh, boy. It's a sativa. It'll make it deep. You didn't put fucking glue on your hair. Kick it, Lee. Let's do it. Kick it, Lee. It's a jam.

Oh, gong, gang, gang, gong. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Renee up in Portland. Who loves you, cock sucker? Here you go. Who are you going? Oh, shit.

I know. Do it, Lee. Wiggle funkled go, Joe. It's Monday, cocksucker. Wash that pussy. Wash those feet. Trim your toenails. Here we go.

Are you kidding me? No, not. What do you think you're dealing with some fucking novice? I'm just a walking young. Do it, Lee. We're going to get some heroin after this, Lee. It's all over. We'll want to get some black tar with the Mexicans.

Fuck it. No one from Arrowsmith died, right? All of them survived? No, all them survived. They're all fucking 70. Their fucking gazillion is probably now. The guy was a host on American Idol. These are all Boston motherfuckers.

And if you look at the cover of the album, The guitar player Joe Perry has got a fucking feather in his ear or it's died on the side. That's 1970. Nobody did that. Nobody did this shit. Do yourself a favor.

Why listen to the same shit that everybody else is listening to this shit right here? Even though I've been listening to that Bruno Mars new album, it's fucking kicking. Little fucking Bruno with the hat on, he ain't fucking around.

He sounds like Steng and Michael Jackson put together that fucking little yarm. I love him. Oh shit. I never knew like him. I don't buy the arm, but I've heard like three different songs. on fucking Spotify and all that shit

fucking not bad. That one jam now he's got sound like the fucking police I heard. I don't know. Who else is jamming? Who else is fucking jamming? You want me to listen to? What do you want me to listen to? What do you want me to listen to fucking the skinny little white chick with the bony ass? I love her and she's talented but she can't fucking jammed. The guy she runs

with that Robin Thick. That ain't fucking shit. You know what? What? Lee, what? You fucking cocksucker? What else is going on? Did you watch any Hulu Plus this weekend? I always watch Hulu Plus. Did you really? Yeah.

I've moved. I got a TV in my bedroom. No, you know, what kind of TV you got? Samsung. Flat screen. Of course. Look at you. One of the ones that connects to the internet so you can watch Hulu Plus on it.

Come on. But no, I got it, and I moved my PlayStation 3, which you can also watch Hulu Plus on it. I just moved it in there because I'm with the girl. I want to, I want to always have to go to the living room. And I never had a TV in my bedroom when I was a kid. My mom wouldn't allow it. So, like, finally when I'm 25, I'm like, fuck you, mom.

No, no, I'd wait 8,000 pounds if I had a refrigerator. That's the next movie. You got a little refrigerators. I want one in there. You get some chocolate-covered strawberries for mama when she comes over. You suck her toes. You can't put her strawberry. Forget about it.

Who's better than you, Lee? No one is. Wait, I finally moved it in there and fucking went to town. I love it. I love having Hulu Plus right there. You got like a fucking rag. You just washed the helmet and just draw it up. Boy, baby wipes.

Look at you. What about those peppermint fucking things from the dollar shape? I trotted my asshole. it wakes you up. No, no, it didn't stink. It doesn't sting. It doesn't sting, but it puts like putting, it's like putting color.

It's like put it after shave on. Yeah. That's what it's like. And it smells like peppermint. Like I opened up a new package because the new package came. And the peppermint cleans over the ass. Like sometimes you sniff an asshole

and it's clean, but you can still smell the residue of a muffler. Not with the fucking, with this stuff. Yeah, the one white Charlie. And that comes in a $9 package. No, it comes extra. It comes extra.

You can add on the shave butter. I used the shave butter this morning I got my raise I used that this morning It's fucking smooth Dollar Shave Club $1, $6 or $9 You can't fucking go wrong

You can't go wrong Three different price programs $60 a year You get razes sent to your fucking house Two raises You could knock a motherfucker out with it Bam, who's better than you You know what I'm saying

The shave butter is nice It shaves fucking nice It's putting some skin back It's taking the scars back off my face What do you think you're fucking What else? What else I got Talk to you about The fucking uh

And now that the The one-wife Charlie's are tremendous. Because my shit stinks. Sometimes my assholes are on fire. So what I do is I get the one-shot fire with the one-shot for Charlie. Sorry, that super blue dream put me the different dimension. Yeah, did. Oh, my God, that shit's good.

We got to smoke some more. I love, because you called me yesterday and she was in the car, and we made a joke after. Because no matter what I tell you, I eat, I can tell you I eat anything. And your line is, Jesus Christ. You know what your assholes going to smell like tomorrow? So I can just imagine that you definitely need one white jarlies. I can eat anything. I had Thai food.

And I set it with you on tomorrow. I was like, Jesus Christ. You have any idea what your ass is going to smell like? What did you eat from Thailand yesterday? Pad Thai and some shrimp and she had some spicy noodles. Once you have the coconut milk, that's what pollutes your asshole. It's not. Let me face something.

I got to say you something. I know people on Twitter and Facebook read this year that I blew a fart at the front desk here at this hotel. You know when you're waiting? You know when you ask a question? And there had to be eight people,

but the best with them. There was a mom with two kids, and the mom was hotter than fuck with two kids, and she was even at the gym working out later. I almost said something to her. She was the prettiest mom I ever saw, but I saw her workout,

and I saw why. She was doing that ball workout. She had a hand on the phone. She would pick up the fucking ball and work on her abs. Her ass was beautiful. She was blonde. She looked like she was fucking 22.

And the husband was 40, so she had to be fucking 40. She was older. I looked at her face, but it's amazing when people take care of themselves. What was I talking about? Oh, the fart. I fucking blasted a fart about 9, maybe 10 o'clock in the morning the other morning. And it was, I went to eat chili. And it was vegetarian.

And that in the morning? No, I ate chili the other day with my wife and the baby. Oh, okay. And I knew that the next day it was going to come out of my ass. It was going to be tear gas. I fucking knew it. And I blasted the fart in the morning in the room. But I left.

I drank coffee, the whole thing. I ate breakfast. I had oatmeal. And then I let that thing lurk. And I went to the front desk to schedule the ride to the club that night and to schedule the shuttle to the airport. And I said, nobody's around me. Let me just blow this fart.

And it was one of those farts that you're standing there. And it's so good that it makes you twist. Like it makes you follow. Like my whole body aligned. And I blew it that way. I could feel like hit my leg and bounce off. And next, you know, I smelt this hot fog that was in the hallway. And I started looking around.

Awesome, I was so high that I forgot there were people there. But it didn't make a noise. I just, you could feel the hot air around me. Yeah. And I started looking around at people, and they were fucking dying. And there were three women behind the counter. But they were looking at a fat guy. There was a big, big fat guy, so everybody looked at him.

Thank God, he was a scapego. I walked out and went into that computer room. And I sat in that computer room. That's when I wrote Twitter and Facebook, but when I walked back out, it was worse. Like the fart had triplified, it was fucking worse. People in the hallway were holding on for the fucking thing. Fuck it.

Let it loose. It's Monday to 30th. Get up. Wash your feet. Get out there, you dirty cock-suckers. There's an asshole out there waiting for you to rip open. You know what I'm saying? There's something out there waiting for you to fucking do today.

What are you on the agenda today, Lee? No, I got going to go back to bed because I have the, I've, started new hours tonight, unfortunately. You want to smoke some more? I am Zoe Stone right now, dude. Get it together, Lee. You said this is growing outdoors. I don't know what the fuck.

This is fucking Seattle. This is fucking this shit from Magdadi. I brought this back to me to show you what they got in fucking Portland. And look how you're behaving yourself, cuckusker. You may me do this. All right, so it's fucking over. I got shit to do today. We gave the shout-outs, right?

Yeah. We gave the fucking thing. I didn't talk about fucking Hulu. Yeah, we did. Two weeks, 795 after that. You get two weeks for fucking free. You're a moment. if you don't sign on. As far as

Dollar Shave Club, you're slipping. For $6 a year, a year, $6 a year, bang, you look like, look at me. I look like Liberace, when he left New Jersey. What the fuck? And we can tell you all the names to put in. Why don't you make it easy? Go to Joey Diaz.net. We got an on-it banner. We got a Hulu Plus banner.

We got a Dollar Shave Club banner. You just do three clicks. You go see where Joey's going to be. And then you go back to this one. And the T-shirts are coming soon. I got some beautiful fucking shirts. I got hats. I got fucking hoodies. I got fucking everything. thing. It's all over. Lee patches for your jit-thru fruit. Oh shit. You're going to be

a fucking new man and we got to, Lee's going to have his own podcast pretty soon. He got bumped. Oh shit. He's a made dude now. He's a fuck. Look at him. He got made. He's going to have his own fucking podcast now. Lee Lee's saying. Yeah, we'll see. Yeah, we'll see what happens. What are you going to talk about? Did you tell people what you're going to talk about? No, I have

a couple ideas in my head. What kind of ideas do you have in your head, Leah? You want to say, okay, well, because you call me the other day and he said you should start it, you should do it. And I was thinking, because my job's going to end, I was thinking about doing it. I kind of want to do one where I just talk to normal people.

I actually put it on Twitter a month or two ago. Just like, the first person I wanted to talk to was my dad, because he's going to come in November. He was on the radio for 20 years. I was like, I should record it with him. The girl's mom who fucking had to jump across borders. And I was thinking about people like that.

But then when you called, like, you said you didn't want to interview people, and I see how much trouble you go through. So I know I probably couldn't sustain a week-to-week thing interviewing people like that. And the thing I think I'm going to end up doing, if I do it by myself, is the great thing about podcasting has been, it introduces people like, it's not like radio, like you're talking to them. And that's great. But the one thing that I think is kind of missing is it's personal, but it's not super personal.

And there's, I know of one podcast really that someone calls in, but it's kind of a job. joke. So I'm thinking about maybe doing like a calling thing. Like every once in a while I'll get questions like how did he move out there. So I think I think I'm going to try to do like a mix of interviewing normal people and I trust me. I understand the reason why I never brought it up is it's a lot like Ari Shafir's show and I didn't want to encroach on it. But he talks to a lot of comedians. That's what that's where I think the difference would be and I don't want to offend him or do anything. But I think I'm going to do a mix of talking to normal people. And I'm going to do some call-ins.

I think that would be the next step because the only thing that's missing is actual conversation. Like, we have it on Twitter, but it's never, I don't know, there's a ton of radio shows like it. That's what I was thinking about. You got me high and I'm talking too much. I don't get it together, Cucksucker, right? You're over here mumbling and stumbling. You're bummed. You brought it up.

You can be getting high, aye, aye, aye, aye, I're fucking, and you're back on the juice tomorrow, cocky. I don't want to hear no stories. Look at you all giggling, shit. What are you going to do and eat that carrot juice? What's your first juice you're going to make the mom? I make the same juice every day? Which one? Cale, broccoli, cucumber, celery, carrots.

What are you going to do on the weekends? When you're eating that chicken. It's four weekends I'm going to do. And you're sitting there drinking that fucking juju juice like a communist. What are you going to do that green juice? Look at your face. You can't even deal with it right now. I'm so stoned.

You can't even think of not eating that Mexican food and eating that green shit. Because you don't want to jump in the pool. You're going to jump in the pool. You're going to jump in the pool. You're going to jump in the pool. You wouldn't have these problems. problems, you'd be 20 pounds, 30 pounds, he'd be a sexy motherfucker.

You'd have a little sun in your head and shit. You have to pool. I was telling people. I go, they don't want to jump in the fucking pool. When I don't have to go to work all day, yeah. You got to go, even when you've got to go to work every day. That's how you start. I don't know how people do it. And you'll get your energy.

Trust me. If you jump in the pool late in the morning. It's not an energy thing. It's just working 12 hours a day. I have no interest in going working out. So I'd rather you jump in the pool first and get that done because you're not going to live by work and sitting all day. Yeah.

But if you're jumping up. pool, do a couple of junk. Do you do some jumping jacks this weekend? No. Why not? Why don't you do it? Because I'm about sex. Even when I'm retarded and I do a couple jumping jacks. You understand me? 10 jumping jacks. You got to do something to get that the neck moving.

What killing jumping jacks are you doing? You got to get the blood moving. You know what I'm saying? You got to move the wrist. You got to fucking pop these motherfuckers. You got to move those hands. If not, you're a good looking dude. That's right. You got to get out there and get some sun. You might be vitamin indeed the fish. I probably am.

Yeah, you sit in the fucking house all day. You're like a fucking Jew vampire. You don't even bite them in the fucking neck. You just take their pennies. What are the fucking, get it together, you dirty bitch. You just take their pennies? What else? What we got going on? I'm not nowhere. I'm home for the next 10 days. The next show I do is

in Cobbs in San Francisco. Then I'm in Ontario, and then I'm in Jackson, Tennessee for one night only. Oh, shit. That's my October. Are you excited to be home for a little bit? I'm not really home because I'm shooting this fucking movie for six days and I got to shoot on the Lord's Day on Sunday. I hate doing that shit.

But there I go. See, there I go. They didn't get the memo. You didn't be like... What are you going to do? Look, dog, you know me. When it's work, sometimes you got to do what you got to do. Oh, no.

And if you had said that to them, they'd be like, we're a movie. We're going to keep shooting. No, there's a lot of movies that they don't shoot on Saturdays and Sundays. You know, a lot of the big names won't shoot on Saturdays and Sundays. They want to be with their families, but this movie don't have big names. So they have to shoot it in 16th to 18 fucking days. I'm shooting six of those days and ain't gonna fucking kill me

it's close to the house You could probably just have a trailer You could probably just have a trailer You're gonna'clock You're also shooting the fucking stories Yeah, that's exciting It's pretty interesting I really, I'm working on it

Like I'm, you know My show, I know Rogan's doing the 9 o'clock, a 7 o'clock show And you got four tickets, you know Yeah, I got that email You're coming or no No yeah, I'm gonna come How'd you get the night off?

I did I'm gonna go in after So no, no And it's pretty interesting Because I gotta do it on fighting and for four weeks I wrapped my fucking head I didn't know what to do you know and what I really want to talk about is what pisses me off every fucking day in my life

whenever I see something bad that happens you know they always blame it on something it just can't be the right blame it just can't be that Lee just had it with life and he wanted to stab a motherfucker in the neck you know they always they always blame it on you know Lee's parents or because he went to Catholic school

or because when he was a kid the cat bit him and it made him want to stab fucking people with the last name Z. You know, whatever the fuck it is. And I started thinking about my life, and I started thinking about the effects I had been seeing what I watched growing up. And at first I was very against those.

I was like, these people don't know what they're talking about, but there's a couple stories that you could see the... Correlation. So I'm going to just compare them and talk about those. That's to do with my stepfather, beating up the cab driver that time in the Bronx. Oh, shit. Yeah, so it was a good fucking day for me, you know?

Because like I said in Testicle Testaments, Whenever you see your dad bit slap somebody, what's better than him? He's better than him. No one. Nobody. Even if your father's a fireman, fuck him. So what, he saved a cat today? My father bit slat the motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Are you going to tell the one with the him and the dog, the guy with the dogs? No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to tell the one when my mom and me were headed to a MEC game. Oh, shit, yeah. And then I'm going to tell the story now. You know, because afterward, years later, I found out that Juan at the time was on parole. and he wasn't allowed in New Jersey.

Part of his parole was he wasn't allowed in New Jersey for bookmaking. Like I said, bookmaking is a felony in New Jersey but a misdemeanor in New York City. So eight minutes away. It's like there's rules in New Hampshire. Like there's strip clubs in New Hampshire, right? But none in Boston.

So you have to go to New Hampshire to go to a strip club. And it's 20 minutes away from Boston or something like that, right? I don't know exactly. I'm just saying that. I know that there's cities like that that have that same thing. So it had been like this third bookmaking violation So he was in a lot of New Jersey for a year

So he was on parole So he had to do all his beating up in New York Yeah well the day that he beat the scup He just happened to be in New York And when I got into the fist fight with John My wife's boyfriend Yeah I had two felonies

And one more I would have three felonies And I only got in prison for 25 fucking years So They have that in Colorado? Yeah they have that Fuck. Yeah, that's kind of, I don't know if I agree with that.

Yeah, they have. That's scary. That's what it's about. That's how we're going to correlate. But anyway, why fuck around? It's Monday. I want you to get up. I want you to give thanks for God putting you on this fucking planet.

And I want you to go out there and have a fucking great day. And we'll be back Wednesday. Hopefully, I shoot in the afternoon and I can do the fucking podcast. And that's it. I love you cock suckers with all my heart. Portland, it was fucking great. You guys are savages. Look at the weed.

You got Lee all fucked up. And I didn't even get to the core of it. I still got another joint there. And look, they even give it to you like medical tools. Well, they come and test you. Oh, Jesus. What's the top? This is what your assos is going to sound like when that chick fart's in your eyeball.

Ooh, yeah. Why is my asshole going to do that? Because that's what the assholes usually do, okay? What are you, what's what the questions? When I get farted on, her asshole would do it. My asshole's going to be fine. Sure, look at this hot wire. Keep sending me fucking emails.

Don't ever go on hot wire. They're worst in the city of Jews. They won't leave you the fuck alone. You know what I'm saying? They won't leave you the fuck alone. All right, I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great fucking Monday today.

Don't forget Hulu. Dollar Shave Club. And on it. And if you want to look in fucking good, you got to go to Honit. They got the ropes and they got the kettle bells. 10% off. Have a great day.

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