The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #094 | KATE QUIGLEY | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 1, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Wednesday, September 1st..... Today we talked with our Friend, the Great, Kate Quigley…. Follow Kate everywhere….. https://www.Instagram.com/kateqfunny https://www.Twitter.com/kateqfunny https://katequigley.com https://onlyfans.com/kateqfunny This episode is brought to you by DraftKings & Stamps.com & Boll & Branch..... Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook Go to https://www.Stamps.com Promo Code: JOEY | 4 Week Trial with Digital Scale & Free Postage Go to https://www.BollAndBranch.com Promo Code: JOEY 15% OFF YOUR 1ST PAIR OF SHEETS! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #KateQuigley The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, the 1st of September. The rent is due cocksuckers, and it's a month away from the many saints of Newark. No more fucking around. The joiners brought to you by Draft Kings. The NFL and college football is back, Jack. You're getting paid like a fucking hooker on Friday night.

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You bad motherfuckers Welcome to another fun-filled Wednesday joint Uncle Joey It's September 1 30 days from the many Saints of Newark I know a lot of years are fucking happy

I'm happy I can't wait for this to come out And get this shit over with Already enough with the fucking suspense That's it The rent is due And the rent is due Motherfuckers

The moratorium is fucking up, Jack. You better sell those stamps. You better sell those fucking bonds your grandmother gave you. Remember, you thought you were going to college, you dumb fuck? You ain't going to college no more. You got to pay that rent. My heart goes out to a lot of people.

A lot of shit's going on. I was talking to my friend over in L.A., and he was telling me that his weed store was not doing that fucking well. Like, people are just not fucking coming out. But, on the other hand, laughing gas is a live in time. kicking good weed is good weed i fucking somebody sent me an email from them the other day that uh people are fucking selling laughing gas like fake laughing gas in l a way does it fucking end this and then you asked me like joey what the fuck why you like this because people don't fucking stop and

i'm not angry i'm not mad it doesn't surprise me you know for years people have been selling joey d's weed I don't even fucking, I never even smoke that fucking weed. I'm not there to fucking okay it. The only weed I've ever okayed is laughing gas. That's it. That's the only weed I have up in the market. And if you don't get it at the ice cream shop, you're not really getting laughing gas, guys.

So it's up to you. If you want to get fake laughing gas, I will let you know what stores is on. What you do is you go to Laughing Gas on Instagram. Follow them. And I will keep you posted as soon as they start going, on into the stores. We're going to go through Southern California,

northern California, Vegas, Colorado, and then these two fucking states, whatever the fuck, they decide to get their shit together, Jersey and New York, even though my friends go to weed stores in Jersey. And they like it.

They're having a great time. They're getting good weed. You know, it's not some of the shit I show up with, but it gets your fucking high. And, you know, it does the trick. No, you don't need to get it from Cali. You don't, you know,

It's no big fucking deal. It's like people still ask me about the stars. The stars have been out of business for four fucking years. Get your fucking clocks fixed. But on the other hand, you don't need the stars. You can make great edibles at home. That's what I don't understand about people. They can make great edibles at the house.

If I fucking put my head to it, I'll make you a fucking brownie. I mean, I don't know how to make gummies and all that other shit. I'm not Joe to fucking baker, but any fucking retard can make fucking brownies with some nuts. them and I'll fuck you up. You ask my wife about the brownies I make. I mean, I don't know nothing about nothing. I take a little butter. I take a little fucking olive oil. I cut the weed really fucking small. I just keep cutting it, cutting it, cutting it. If you want to throw an eighth of death in there, that's all you fucking need for the regular pan of Betty Cracker.

That's all you need. It's just a fucking eighth of some good weed. Cut that motherfucker. Cut it, cut it, cut it, cut it. Keep cutting it. Cut it. Don't run it through a grinder. Cut it. because if you run it through a grinder the fucking that that shit breaks off and it has a catch in the bottom and then you I use, I have maybe

three ounces of keef that I'm thinking about fucking you do a little olive oil first you don't burn the olive oil you throw a little fucking butter in there nice you keep the flame fucking low I'm no chef of the future

I just watch Bobby Flay from time to time you keep that fucking flame low and you keep pushing that where you take Let's say you have an eighth, that'll give you probably three times you can put fresh weed in. You make your brownie batch, right? I make my brownie batch.

I have it ready. And then while I'm frying the fucking weed, I press into that weed and I take all the juice out of it. And I put it in the fucking thing. Then I put the frying pan back. I throw some more weed in there, some more olive oil. I leave the old weed in there and I keep fucking cooking. But I stir this, motherfucker. I'm like Henry Hill's retarded brother and Goodfellas, remember, stir the sauce?

That's me. I'm just staring a fucking brownie mix, and then I fucking throw more weed in this motherfucker, and I get that motherfucker going, I squeeze it more, I put it in the fucking weed, and then I stir it more and more and more, and I'm fucking crazy afterward. And every time I do it, you lick that fucking spoon. Every time you fucking finish fucking spinning it around, listen, you don't even need the brownies to cook. You'll be fucked up before the brownies even come out of the fucking oven.

brownies would be what you eat because of the fucking munchies, then you're going to get more fucking munchies, it's tremendous. It's a great fucking cycle. I don't know if you've ever done it or not, but I love all that craziness. That's just me, dog. Yeah, a little laughing gas brownies. You'll be fucking, I don't know if I want to spend that weed on my brownies, though,

because it tastes good. You've got to use weed that is strong, but doesn't taste good. You ever have your friend that brings you that fucking Mexican weed that tastes like fucking a dead taco, but your eyes get fucking red. You can light a cigarette in your eyeballs from how high you are, that's the weed you need.

The weed tastes good. That's why when they make crack, when they started making crack, it was with Coke. You're going to see in this interview, you're going to learn about washing cocaine. I got Kay Quigley on today. We were talking about washing cocaine

with different fucking, you know, gasoline and fucking acetone and all that shit. I don't even know what we were talking about. Who gives a fuck? I'm all fucking confused. It's Wednesday, motherfucker.

September 1st, you bad, Cox. suckers. I'm feeling good. I'm looking good. Labor Day is here. You know, college football is here. It's a whole new fucking season. You can't dress them white after fucking Monday. That's it. It's over. Put your white clothes away, you fucking white people with your little white clothes on. Somebody was telling me, one of my neighbors told me they had to go to a wedding and the fucking, the night before they had to go to the fucking rehearsal dinner, dressed them white. Why? Why? She sucked 50 dicks already. You know, what's the big fucking deal?

I fucking hate weddings. I really do. And I'm back in Jersey where people talk about them. And they actually go to weddings. Like, I had a friend. I got to go to Boston for a wedding. What? I wouldn't go to Boston for a wedding if you fucking pay me.

Put a deuce in the envelope and tell them, give them a hip and a fucking hoe. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to go no fucking weddings right now. I'm all wedding the fuck out, man. And you got to put it. And if you don't know the people, it's terrible. Because the wife, she's walking around like she never sucked the dick before.

Get it together. You've had 10 dicks in your mouth, and now, you know, everybody has to dress and why? Give me a breathing. Come on. Remember when you suck dick outside of White Castle? Now you're trying to be fucking, you know, I can't stand that shit.

People forget their fucking past. That's why I'm happy. I don't forget who the fuck I am. I know I'm a fucking criminal. I know I'm a dirty bastard. And guess what? I love it. You know what I'm saying?

It's who the fuck I am. We think I'm going to be walking around like Eric Clapton making fucking vaccination songs. He's going off, that motherfucker. That motherfucker. fuck has been going off. Eric, you're 75. Who gives a fuck? Nobody wants to see you on the road anyway. Last time I saw Eric Clapton on the road, he was really

fucking good. He did a blues album and he toured it. People were pissed. He didn't do Layla. Who gives a fuck? You know, but guess what? I don't want to see Eric Clapton no more. He's about 80. Well, slow hand is officially fucking slow hand. You know, you know, he's not going to play Laydown Sally and shit. So, but anyway, it's a fun-filled day and it's Wednesday. So that means there's an interview upon a

It's not just me giving you a fucking earbeaten like Monday on marriage. Today we got a good guest. She's a dear friend of mine. You know, this past year has gave me a chance to reflect on what happened the last 23 years. That's all this has been. It's just a reflection year on what the fuck happened the last 23 years. How did I get to point A? How did I get to the longest yard?

You know, the people I met, what happened to this guy, what happened to that guy? you're going to hear me talking before that I just finally started mourning Jeff Scott, the piano player from the store. You know, I had so much on my plate when he passed away. I never even had a chance to mourn them properly, you know. But I got a chance to think about my friends, who were my friends out there, who I loved. And, you know, I spoke to Kate after I moved a few times. She had her own life.

You know, she was going on the road. She had a little dilemmas. And somewhere along the line, we lost contact for a month or two during my service. surgery and stuff. And we started talking again, I realized how much I loved her, how much I enjoyed Kate. You know, you always have to have a, you have to have a couple female friends that you don't have sex with. That's some of our biggest problems as men that we see a woman. We think we have to have sex with her. I knew as a young man, you're not going to have sex with everybody. And you got to keep some women on your corner because you never fucking know. Look what happened to me last year.

Who stuck up for me? The women did. The women got me out of that fucking mess. All in the same. I've known him for years. He's not that type of person. So you have to have, if you're a comic, whatever the fuck you are in your life. You work with some women, you know, you're next to women every day. I know that sometimes you say to yourself,

she's got nice tits. I wouldn't mind eating a pussy, but you can't think that way. You got to keep some women as friends. It's a great fucking experience to have a female friend. I love it. You know, it's sad that here I don't have that many female friends.

Like, you have friends from high school and stuff, but they're married. They have their own things going on. You know, they're my age. I need, like, a young friend, like a girl, just to bounce shit off. Tomorrow at the gym, I have a friend at the gym. That's a great girl.

She's 24. She's a nurse up in the Bronx, and she's a good friend of mine. We talk all the time. So she's been coming, but she's been out of town the last three weeks. She went to Albania, then she went to Mexico.

Everybody's a fucking travel now. But I'll get to see you tomorrow. Anyway, you put it, listen, enjoy Kate Quigley. She's one of my dearest friends And I love with a debt Enjoy, cocksuckers Oh my God You look beautiful

Thanks just for you I put on makeup Holy shit You look great cake quickly It's been a year I can't believe it Holy shit Holy shit

I just want to stare at you Me too I want to stay at you Can you hear me okay I want to turn you up a little louder I could hear you look beautiful You look great with a son of tan it's fake but thank you that's great what you just spray it on i've been getting sprayed hands do you go like the bed or something and they fucking just i bring her to my house

you're a bad next great you thank you thank you if i could do the back i would do it oh you just do the front what's that you just do the front no no i said if i could do the back myself i would just do it oh okay okay she does the whole thing for you of the back, the front. Yeah, the whole thing. I wear a bikini because I want it to look real, so I have like tan lines and everything. You're a fucking nut.

You know, how was the weekend in Canada? It was so fun, man. It's like weird. Canada, I think, is easier than the state. A lot of easier. You can't go. No. You can't go, though, right?

I'm not a lot of Canada. They won't let me and they won't forgive me. I was sneaking in there. You were not. I swear to God, the last. the last two or three times I snuck into Canada. Wait, you just like walked in a hit through like a hidden location? No.

Before 9-11, if you went to Buffalo, Canada has casinos. Oh, yeah. And they have a casino right there on the border. So I had a friend in Miami who dated a girl in Miami that was from Buffalo. So I was talking to him when then. I got to go to fucking Canada. I got to sneak in. Then I'm going to let me in.

And he goes, I got you. He goes, my father-in-law is like a fucking high roller at this casino. And there's a side entrance. So what he would do is I'd fly to Buffalo. The guy would pick me up, take me to his house, feed me with his wife. Yeah. And then he would go to the casino. He was just an old Italian guy.

He would go to the casino. They don't stop you at the Buffalo. border at all? No, not him. Oh, wow. Not at that time. Not at that time. It was pre-9-11 still. They would let him go into the casino and then he would pull out and take me to the bus stop in Ontario, Canada. And I would take that bus to Toronto or Montreal or wherever the fuck I was going. But the fun part, Kate, started on the way back because I would go through the border. Yeah. Oh, so they're like, they didn't know you were there in the first place. No. And they would type my name and they would go, what the fuck? How did you get in here?

When did you come through? I go, last week, you were here. You let me in. The guys like, I didn't let you in. Don't put that on me. I kept doing that shit. That's awesome. That's so funny. I got stopped. Well, last time I played Niagara Falls, I flew into Buffalo just because I guess it was like cheaper or whatever. And the guy picked me up and we're going across the border. And I had an opener. I forget who I brought, but we're almost to the border. The guy goes, hey, you guys don't do a blow, right? And we were both like, I mean, every once in a while, maybe, the guy goes, all right, well, the last comics I brought through, they took their keys and their credit cards, and they swiped them. So the guy goes, if you think there's even remote residue, wipe them off. So the kid that was with

me, pulls his keys out, start sucking on all his keys, like trying to get everything up. We'd get there. He was so high. I was like, you should have handed them around the park. But we made it through. Let me tell you something. I had a key that was fucking black. From that? From the inside from the Coke from all those years.

God knows how did I think of hepatitis C, B. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, because those keys are filthy. Those dollar bills that you roll up and put in your fucking nose. Yeah. Not to mention everybody who's like terrified of the vaccine that I know in L.A. who will do blow up like the back of a toilet seat and a dirty bar, but they're like,

I can't put anything in my body. That's what I was saying a couple of weeks ago. All these motherfuckers that did pills and Coke. Do you know one that I was watching like Narcos? Years ago when it first came out, the season with Pablo. And I got to tell you something. I was pretty bummed the fuck out.

Because when you find out what they put in Coke, you're like, what the fuck was I snort in all those years? I haven't watched it. I haven't watched any of those. Gasoline, turpentine, fucking... Oh, I'm sure. You know, they put so much shit in the fucking cocaine to wash it. I still remember snort and coke, Kate, that smelled so bad.

Because there was a time way before you were even born. There was a time in the 80s when the biggest problem was getting ether into Columbia. It wasn't getting cocaine out. Ether is what you use to wash it. It's what gives it that nice little taste and that smell. but when they didn't have ether, you know the stuff that's a nail polish remover? Yeah.

You ever smell nail polish remove? It smells fucking great. No way. Yes. Oh, that would kill you, I think. Well, that's what's in blow. That's what they wash it with. And when they don't have ether or acetone,

they use gasoline or fucking turpentine or... I could tell that. I've smelled that. You know, the whole pandemic, I mean, it really turned me off it completely because I, think like, well, first of all, you were alone. Like, I was so alone at the beginning of lockdown, Joey. I didn't see anybody for probably three months.

At least two months. Three months. Yeah. It was terrible. Yeah. Yeah. And I couldn't go see my family or anything, you know, because my mom's lupus. So she's like autoimmune.

And even after the vaccines, I mean, she's still high risk. So I can't go there much. But I was by myself and I was like, you can't sit alone at home and drink and do jobs. Like, I would have gone crazy if I was doing. Yeah. So I just worked out. a lot. I looked a lot better. And then I got happy and I got fat. And now

I'm getting back in shape. You look great. You look great. You look great. I've been really, you know last time I slept nine fucking hours. Last night? I haven't slept nine hours in 40 fucking years. And the night before that, I slept eight and a half. I love that.

I sleep great here. You know, I'm on a fucking timer. 1130.30. I go upstairs. Napi noon. I get up at eight. This morning I got up at fucking nine. Wait a minute. You go upstairs and nap at noon? No, I go upstairs 11.30 at night.

Oh, 11. I was wondering that because, like, a couple times I text you around probably 12, 12, 13 New York time. I'm already fucking snoring. That's the difference with my life, that I'm paying attention to little things. I didn't pay attention to before because you've got to take care of yourself now.

You know, this shit catches you in a vulnerable minute. You know, you're out fucking 30 hours. You're not sleeping. That's when they're, this shit's lips sips into your body, you know? So. Yeah, not just that, but also I think just this whole thing made me appreciate like the stuff in my life that, I mean, comedy is obviously like we love it.

And comedy, I realized this past weekend how much comedy helps me to work through shit that's in my head too. Like, we're so fortunate that we get to work out everything in our lives and make it funny. Like, we have to make it funny. But it helps me kind of like process things in a weird way. And this pandemic especially, like, I really realized how much I miss just working out, my family, the beach, I moved to the beach. I'm so much happier at the beach.

I love being here. I surf. I go surf. I suck at it. I, like, can barely stand up, but it's fun. How's Venice looking? It's still looking like a fucking war zone? Actually, no, they moved a lot of those tents out, but, you know, all of L.A., I mean, there's still so much homeless here.

It's kind of scary. The deadline is tomorrow, I think. What's that? The judge gave him until tomorrow, October 1st, one of those, so they're able to get to chop. chopping those motherfuckers in the way you know what's weird is the block i'm on at the end of the block is hunter biden joe biden's kid so they he lives like four houses down for me so they put secret service on my block so i'm so lucky because it became the safest block in the neighborhood so you fucking scored yeah i go over there too all the time and just talk to him and stuff then one night i

thought i had a stalker had this creepy guy hanging around my place for like about a week and i went over there and told Secret Service, and they were walking by, like, every hour checking on my place. It's awesome. So I feel happy. Tremendous. Yeah.

Huts are kind of hot. Are they? Yeah, I mean, two of them are pretty hot, but I think they're not allowed to, like, you know, yeah. Nah, those motherfuckers mingle. They pay for pussy with government money. They're dirty bastards. Remember when they went to Colombia and they all went to a strip club and shit?

And they got in trouble. Yeah. Service? No way. Fuck you. Fuck, yeah. Who were they with? Who were they protecting?

I think Obama. That's hilarious. Obama's a freak. You know that. I mean, I would imagine he's got to be because he's too clean. Yeah, he's too clean. You know? Yeah.

If you can't find a scandal, you know, there's lots of scandals. I'm grateful because I spoke to my ex-drug dealer during the pandemic. Like I kept in touch with him. You know, he was lonely. He lives by himself. He lives by himself. So I made a point to call him. everybody who was single, you know,

like to stay in touch with, like, Dean Del Rey. Yeah. I mean, I was having a hard time and I got a wife and a kid. What about the people that are fucking alone in that apartment all day? There's no Friday, Saturday, weekend. You're not going anywhere. So I would contact, like, every day I made it, like, even for my self-help, you know, for my mental being.

I go, well, let me reach out to these single people. And I started talking to my drug dealer. And it was funny because he's like, I can't fucking talk to you right now. I'm busy. I got to deliver Coke. He was busier during the pandemic. Wow.

He ever was. He says he was selling numbers that he never even touched before. You're kidding. No. He went from like selling an ounce. Let me put this way. He went from selling an ounce a week to three ounces a week. Wow.

If you think about it, I mean, nobody was spending money on anything. No, he was saying that. He couldn't figure out where people were getting all the money from. The liquor stores will fucking, the liquor stores

will fucking packed. You know, one of Mersey's karate teachers is a liquor salesman and he's like, you have no fucking idea the numbers of Tidos. He sells Tidos. I definitely bought a lot more booze than you all during the pandemic. But I never

got my unemployment either. Like, it was really hard in L.A. for self-employed people, even though they said they came out with unemployment money for us. But it was basically like, you know, when you act, how they take taxes out, like if it's a sag job or whatever. So if you had like two or three jobs where they took taxes, they would base your unemployment on that instead of your stand-up money. So it was like you're getting, you know, if you made five grand in the whole year

acting, but you made 50 grand doing stand-up, your unemployment was based on the W-2 money. So it was like nothing. Like I got literally 300 bucks total or something. It was nothing. So it was rough. I was stealing ice cream. I was like stealing food. from CBS. Everybody's stealing. Everybody's robbing the fucking CBS now. You had to.

From Walmart. People were just taking shit and walking out and showing security. Here you go. Thank you. I mean, you have a mask,

a hat, sunglasses. It's like, what are they? I mean, really, you could rob anywhere. It was the best time

to rob anyway. I didn't rob anywhere, but I did, just ice cream I took. And popcorn, a little popcorn. Nothing wrong with that, man.

You had to fucking survive. You had to do what you had to do, you know? You're a single woman in a land of alligators out there. Yeah. It needed to be done. What's your love life now?

Have you seen any dicks lately? What's going on? I saw so many dicks in Canada, actually, but not like, no, but I didn't have sex with them. I just, I realized that in Canada, all the men's rooms, the doors are wide open, like every bar. Nobody closes the door. So I was at a club, well, it was in a club, a bar. I walked by the men's room, and I'm not. kidding. It was like eight guys peeing and it was just a clear shot like a row of

dick. So I didn't touch any but I saw a lot. You didn't sniff none? No. You got a knock on the dog guys. Can I sniff one of those just to get me back in the fucking game? Let me sniff one of those pee-soed dicks. P-so dick. Um, no, I, uh, it was funny. Canada was so hilarious because the drinking age there is 18. You forget that. So like one night after the show, these guys were like, meet up with us at this bar. And I was like, that'd be fun. They're kind of hot. Why not? I go to this bar like about 30 minutes later. It's packed with like 18 to 22 years. I had to be the oldest person in there by like 15 years at least. And I couldn't find these guys. I hung out for about an hour looking for them. And then I just stayed for the

entertainment because every time I went in the bathroom, there's like five girls crying. And girls kept telling me how pretty I was and touching my hair. And then they were, asking me for advice and telling me I was wise. So I just stayed there and hung out and was like the bathroom therapist for the rest of the night. I love hanging out with you because you always break it down. Like, I'll never forget being at the comedy store where you and that chick showed up that sucks like 20 dicks online.

Don't say her name because I don't want to fucking hear it. I don't know what you mean. Remember she was a blonde. She's cute. She came into the comedy store and you were sitting next to me and you're like, you're like, let me tell you something. I'm crazy. but that chick is fucking crazy.

She is crazy. She is insane. And her husband. They're both nuts. Now, you met her and her husband? Yeah, I met them at a show. I forget what town. It was on the road.

They came to a show. And afterwards, we went through a gay, okay, this chick, I mean, I like her. If they watch this, I like them both. No, I like her. I really like her. She's great. Who wouldn't?

What guy wouldn't? If I was single, I'd really fuck her. unlike. Oh, dude, we went to a bar after the show that was like, it was like an Applebee's. It wasn't like a crazy bar. And people were asking her for photos. They kind of knew who she was.

And she was taking her tits out for pictures in this family. I mean, there weren't kids I saw, but it also wasn't a place to take your tits out. But no one was really complaining or anything. And then we went to a gay bar. And I don't even know how her husband got kicked out somehow. Like, I don't even know what happened. I mean, one minute he was fine. the next minute he was like sweating he probably took like a mollie or something he's like yelling at people

and then some guy started hitting on him and he was like you're not my type and the guy shoved before i knew it they were kicked out like i don't even know what happened and then they hit me up to come to their room later i was like this is probably not my probably not the best time for me to get arrested so i stayed and then you didn't see it until that time at the comedy store with me never again till then wow yeah yeah she was at the comedy store that night she sat down in the back she had the other porno chick with her I was watching her very closely

I was talking to people but you know like when you're talking to people but you're watching people and I'm watching her and she's like I gotta suck a dick like what was coming out of her mouth was fucking crazy

I was sitting she's so nice though she's so nice and she's hot you know that's what confuses you like she's really hot but at the same time she's talking about breaking her record sucking dicks and all this shit

so finally I couldn't take it no more so I told I said do you make videos because I didn't really know her you just told me she was crazy and shit and I didn't know her either and it all came to me after she was yakking because she was talking about sucking 10 dicks at a fucking pool or something like that

so I was like did you make a video because I saw she puts her videos up on Twitter which is fucking surreal because you could be getting up at 6 in the morning you know, you're out of it, you're drinking coffee, you put Twitter, you scroll, and there's her fucking like 10 dudes. That's, I haven't seen that.

I actually have, believe it or not, I have like the graphic nudity muted on my Twitter just because I get on Twitter on the plane so much. And I just don't want like the grandma sitting next to me to have to view. Every time I open my phone, it's like if it's the last thing I watch, it's usually porn. Because that's all I really use my phone for when I get on, you know, Chrome. So I try not to. and show it to everybody. So yeah, she makes videos.

And after she was talking, I go, wait a second. I saw one of your videos. And she goes, I go like 10 guys fucking you. But the reason why the video, I stopped and watched it, I hate porn. But the reason why I watched it was because there's like six guys around. They're fucking her. She's sucking their dicks. You know, they're coming out of dits.

But there's one guy in the corner, like the ugly chick at the prom. she's just in the corner jerking off by herself, right? Like he's jerking off. And I'm looking at this guy. I swear to God. So they're all around the like fucking barracuders. They're fucking. They're hitting it with dicks and shit.

And there's a guy in the corner by himself just whacking off. So I said to her, is that your video of like six guys fucking you? I felt bad saying it to her. But I didn't know how else to say it. I'm like, is that you with the video with six guys? I go, there was a guy in the corner jerking off. It may not be you. She goes, that was me.

She goes, that guy in the corner, that's a complete different story. So she was telling me that he's on PayPal, not PayPal. What's the shit that you show people, your pussy? Only fans. I'm on there and I don't do that. She's on only fans. And she has raffles or contest to fuck her or jerk off on her or whatever. So he won the contest.

So she invited him to the gang bang. And he's just in the corner jerking off. So she told me, she goes, you're not going to believe the story. At the end of the night, I asked him if he had a good time. And he goes, yeah. So she asked him, do you want to fuck me? You were the contest winner. And he goes, not really.

I just want to hug you. And he lay next to her. What do you call that when you spoon? They spooned each other. No. She said she threw him out like an hour later. He wouldn't fuck her. He just wanted to spoon her and suck his thumb.

Like a fucking mama. You believe that? I swear I fucking God. Would you want to watch a girl get fucked by 10 dudes and then put your dick in there? Well, you're there. Well, I know. You're there already?

That would freak me out. I mean, listen, I'm not that type of duty. They would freak me out to get sloppy seconds after everybody. But you've got to find the hole, something. Even just put your fingers like this. You know what I'm saying? I mean, you're already stuck 10 guys. Yeah, put your fingers like this.

Do something so I can put my, you know, something. The guy was like, no, I just wanted to. spoon with you and he's spoon with it and that was the end of it. You know, it is weird when you have to ask somebody something like that, but you know it's what they do, but you still feel weird. I felt fucking weird. Like I thought like she was going to press charges on me. But she was yakking all about it and there was witnesses there.

You follow me? Like it wasn't just me and her so she could say, well, he was sexual with me. We were outside. We were in the back. People were smoking pot. Yeah, yeah. God rest of soul, the piano player and all those people were back. So when he's back there, I could say anything to anybody because he's honest and people believe him.

The gay guy that died? Jeff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Jeff. I miss him, man. It hit me like three months ago that he was dead and I fucking, I was driving somewhere and I just broke down. Oh.

Somebody said they went back to the store and it's not the same without Jeff. It hasn't been. I'd like have moments like that with Eric Myers. You know what I mean? Eric Myers was a weird one for me because. I mean, it sounds so odd to say this, but you'll get it because you've had friends who are addicts. Like I almost felt in a way happy for him when I first heard. It was like I was shocked, but I wasn't all the way shocked because, you know, you kind of expect at some point when somebody falls off the wagon that many times, you like prepare yourself.

But then the big thing was he was always so anxious, like even sober that I felt like you could finally chill out. But I didn't really feel it until like it was like last. week some photo popped up of me and Eric in Las Vegas just having fun together and it suddenly hit me. I was like, it's weird that people that died during this because you already haven't seen them in a while. So then it's like it doesn't really hit you till a moment where you would see them or memory or something, at least for me. I don't know. I felt really bad for Eric Myers. I wasn't best friends with Eric Myers, but I can't for him as a comic because he was really good. Really good. Do you know what I'm saying? When somebody's really good, you look at them and even if you're not

best friends with them. Yeah. You have this secret adoration for them. Oh, he's incredible. You know, he lived in my kitchen, right? Yeah, he told me. I remember he told me he was living in your kitchen. He was funny about it.

He was always at the ha-ha. I became friends with him at the ha-ha. Yeah, he was. About eight years ago before Mercy was born, about nine years ago, I would walk my wife to the train station in the mornings, and he would be going to an AA meeting. Oh, really? Way up there?

I didn't know he went up there. Remember he lived with Diagostino for a while? That's right. He kind of lived with everybody for a while. He was a good kid. You know, I felt bad for the way he went. Yeah. Usually when an addict dies, when somebody says to me, well, this guy OD, you know, what are you going to do?

That was his life, you know, that was what he was about. I was shocked. He never did. I was shocked. I was shocked. I never ODED. Fucking Tom Segura ODED when he was in college. I've never ODED.

That is shocking. That is shocking that Tom's a girl, Odeed, and I never fucking O'D, but it's, uh, when he passed and I got the call that he got hit by a boss or something, I immediately lit a candle and I felt bad. I felt bad for him. I felt bad for his family. And I got to be, tell you something. Honestly, I was a little angry with him.

Me too. Because the talent was so fucking good. Like he was, he was so good. If he would have put the drinking aside. But it, listen, man. He tried so hard, but that's the thing. He tried so fucking hot. And he was like, Eric was the most extreme case I've ever seen of somebody that was so different.

The second he fell off, it was like he would go from the sweetest, most sensitive guy to, I mean, one sip might as well be five-fits of vodka. He just could not stop. And he would pass out. He showed up one time naked at my house at two in the afternoon, naked. In the middle of the day in Hollywood, he'd been missing for like three days. he was all beat up and stuff. I mean, he just, there was no moderation whatsoever.

It was zero to a million, you know. The way he went did not shock me, to be totally honest with you. Because I just, I know that he would get to the point of, he had no idea where he was, what he was doing. I mean, yeah, he would,

every time, it was funny, though, every time Eric would fall off the wagon, everything he owned would get stolen or sold, right? So every time he'd, need new clothes. And so he didn't want to buy expensive clothes. So he would go to Hollywood and Highland and buy just those souvenir t-shirts. All he ever wore were those like Hollywood souvenir t-shirts all the time.

Everything he owns said like Hollywood Boulevard or Man's Chinese theater or whatever the fuck. They were like those four for $10 shirt deals. He was awesome. I missed him a lot. But he was also such a good writer. I mean, he was a great writer. That's what the jealousy was someone. I was fucking jealous.

I would see him perform at Ah. And I'm like, that kid is dangerous. but then I saw his drinking. Yeah. You know, and there's, I gotta tell you, there's like five comics I've known that they let the booze and the drugs get in front of their talent. Yeah.

And I remember when I made my decision 14 years ago, I was like, I'm not getting nowhere in comedy, I'm doing movies, I'm doing all this shit, but I'm not getting anywhere. And it was like, this has to be the answer. Yeah. So let's push it aside for a minute and see if this is the answer. Thank God it's stuck.

Yeah. Thank God. And I didn't go back to it or didn't fucking relapse. And I was done with it. Like once I was away from it for three weeks, I'm like, I'm done with it. That was the victory. It wasn't succeeding in comedy. Then what ended up happening was, you know, you take away that drug focus and all you have left is comedy.

Yeah. So you really have put your life in. It's just a lot easier when you're not waking up going well tonight. You know, when you're fucking on drugs. drugs, you wake up in the morning, you're like, I'm not going to do coke. But it's still in your fucking mind. Also, though, like, I literally feel like two days of nothing. I mean, the energy is insane.

Just two days even of no drinks. Like, because for me, I would have a drink like every night after a set, at least one, two drinks every night. And then I went home about a year ago for just a few days to Ohio. And three days or something. Like when I'm in Ohio, I don't really drink. My mom, there's no liquor in the house. I was like, wow, this is like taking five Adderall, just being sober.

I mean, it's like crazy how much more energy I had. I woke up, like, really happy. So now I've taken, I take breaks all the time. And I look better when I do that. So I'm very very vey. You do look better. I got to tell you something. I went to a get-together a few weeks ago.

And I knew a lot of the women there, you know. I had grown up with them. And I tell you something that's sad. I could tell the women that drank and the women that didn't. I could tell the big difference. Yeah. There was one woman that was beautiful growing up. I don't know what the fuck happened to her nose.

It looks like she'd been smelling farts the last 20 fucking years. Her nose got so fucking thick. I wouldn't invite her to do Coke at all. How? How does that happen? I don't know. It's either you're smelling farts or... No, I don't think that's...

sat on your fucking nose. You know, I lost weight and my nose got bigger. Like, sometimes your nose gets bigger, but it got bigger that way. Like, you know... Your nose did not get bigger. Yes, it did. Trust me. I got a fucking flute in front of my face and shit.

You're hilarious. But you could tell that it really affects women alcohol. And it affects men, too. You know, it affects us too. You know, we don't look too good if you drink every fucking day. It makes a guy red. Yeah, and the cigarettes, it all fucking adds up, you know. I love fucking.

I love fucking. smoking a good cigarette. You got the wrong motherfucker or a good marlboro after you smoke a joint. I don't like it. I don't like it. But you know what I've really got to? What'd you say? Sorry. Camelite after you smoke a fucking fat joint. Woo. Camelite.

Oh my God. I don't miss that. I don't miss being around it either. I did start microdosing mushrooms during this whole pandemic and holy shit. That has helped me so much. Everything. anxiety. Oh my God, Joey. Life changes.

I get so much less stressed out than I used to. I like when I, I don't know, it's just, it really makes me happier. And it's just the baby's little, I mean, you know, a tad little tiny, teeny bite. Like, I can't feel high. I don't feel anything, but I'm happier. It's crazy that I've been reading a lot about microdosing lately, a lot more. Like people, I just was reading something. They just opened a ketamine treatment center.

Oh, I've heard about that. I've never tried that. Yeah, a friend of mine. He went, you know, you shoot it, and then you talk to a therapist, and they did. Oh, you shoot it? Like a shot? I didn't know that. Yeah, they IV you.

You know, they give you like an IV. I think, I think that's what he said. Yeah, they gave you an IV. It's pretty interesting. And you look good, so it must be working in the microdose. And I gave away all my fucking mushrooms. Now I'm pissed. Why?

Because people, because people go to. I gave them away because I had no use for them. You know, what are the chances of me eating a fucking two mushrooms in the afternoon? So I gave them to somebody who's going to fucking eat them quickly So they don't develop mold in my draw So I gave them away Is it bad if they get mold? I thought they are mold

I don't know I just don't know I think it's okay You grind them up right You put them in a capsule or you bite it I've had the capsules But I just take I just break a little piece off and eat it Once or twice a day so small that's it Even with like I gave up the reefer For like five or six months

I wasn't smoking at all Really? Wow. You know, when I was doing the longest yard, I was over smoking on the longest yard. We all were. There was a group full of the actors, football players, the wrestlers. We were smoking as much as we could, you know, as long as I would bring an ounce every fucking day. Nellie would bring an ounce. You know, everybody had a fucking ounce of weed on that set. And I remember one day the costume girl. She was a little older, really pretty from New York. At the time, she was like maybe 55. Real good looking chick. yoga, clean living, you know, flip-flops, nice toenails, the whole fucking deal.

We were talking, and she told me, I go, you don't smoke? And she goes, no, I did for a long time like you did. But once you stop, the day you stop, you're not going to want to stop. But the day you stop, you're going to see life's fucking beauties. And I was like, what is she fucking talking about? I'm seeing life's beauties every fucking day when I get stoned. This is fucking wench talking about. I tell you what, man.

I thought about when I was clean those months because it was. I was seeing life for what it was. And now I'm in like a vac because I don't smoke in the daytime no more, Kate. At all. Wow. At all. Holy cow. It's not even in my fucking.

You're a change man. Yeah. I only smoke right after I drink my tea and like an hour before I go to bed to get me there. I'm so proud of you. Yep. Yep. That's great. Man.

I had to do, you know, it was just getting to, I looked at the things that were, I was doing that were too out of control. What could have been cleaned up in my life now that I'm here? And that was one of the things I felt, you know, my coffee drinking. I love staying up at night, Kate. Nobody likes getting high.

I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't. And writing a little bit and practicing your guitar. But dog, I get away with, you know, it's like every night, oh, just another half hour. Let me watch this. another half hour.

Let me play the guitar another 10 minutes. Next thing, you know, it's two in the fucking morning. Yeah. I'm one of those jerk-offs. And then I'm up at seven with mercy, you know, in the morning, talking to him, whatever. And then you walk around the whole day, like, what the fuck? No, I don't want to do it. And, you know, I was drinking, you know, why I was, I wasn't sleeping in L.A., right?

I was sleeping like, you know, two to seven, five hours. Yeah, you weren't sleeping at all. No. And then, guess how I was staying up? Expressos. And that takes it fucking toll between the fucking stivia, the fucking, you know, I wasn't just doing two expressos, like a normal

person. I was doing eight a day. Even two at night is a lot. I was doing four. That's insane. You were doing eight a day. Before I left the house, it was a coffee mugged filled with espresso. That's, that, you know what, espresso? Like, that gets me so anxious and jittery, like worse than anything. I can't,

I barely drink coffee now. I have like a half a cup. If I have it, it's like speed to me. I take a cup every morning and that's it. No more. Wow, that's impressive. Listen, this is my coffee life in L.A. An American coffee, then a double espresso, then I wash my pussy. I do what I have to do.

I realize that the energy drinks, you drink before you work out a shit. Oh, yeah. So I would drink an espresso or two and go to Jiu-Jitsu with Brett. Oh, my God. I can't do that. I can't work out like that. Oh, my God. You have a stroke or something.

Oh, my God. Then I would come home and pop another one around five, just a single. I was telling myself, just a single, Joey. You'll be fine. And then I would eat dinner, you know, do whatever I had to do. But before I shot to the store, it was a four fucking shot espresso. Cuban style. How does that do anything after all that?

And a fucking edible. So I was forcing the anxiety on me. I get down to the store. And I look at the comics on the stage and I go, how am I going to follow him? I suck. I suck. And then I start fucking my head. Oh, my God, you have no idea.

And then I get this fucking anxiety. And remember when they closed, the original room was fine for me. It still is. You know, I don't want people to think I'm a fucking mook. But when they tape that window, when they tape off the window. Oh, to the front bar you mean? To the front bar. That killed me.

I loved that window. That was my little fucking anxiety window. I would look out the window when I was on stage. I was okay. I don't remember having that where you couldn't look out. When did they have it so you couldn't, you can still look out. For 20 fucking years they had it. For 15 years they had it that you could look out.

No, I know. I mean, I don't remember when you couldn't look out. You can't look out? Before they closed it. Yeah, before I left. Oh, I didn't realize that. You couldn't look in anymore. Oh, well, then they reopened it.

Yeah, that's when I started getting anxiety. was when I couldn't see outside. Oh, yeah, I hate that. You know, like, when you hear police siren and you're on stage, you want to know what direction he's going and shit. Now you can't fucking see where the cops going because the window's fucking blocked. Yeah, I don't like that. It's like when you're on, I hate when I'm on a plane and it's starting to land

and everybody has all their windows closed and nobody opens. Like, I don't like to be on a plane that's landing and I can't see what's happening. I open the window. I don't give a fuck. Open that window, guy. You tell them? I don't tell people. I'm too polite.

And then the fucking store this comes on. Can you please close the windows? Because other people are going to come and want to keep the plane cool. Go fuck yourself. Keep the air. What are you turning the fucking air on on? It's 90 fucking degrees in here. I got to tell you something that you brought up before.

Here's the funny thing. A lot of people don't know. I didn't know this and it changed my life. And when I found that, I was hesitant about it. I didn't do it for like five times. And then I did it and I was at peace with myself. You ready? Yeah.

Whenever you work on a TV show or anything, a commercial, a TV show, a movie, the fucking day that motherfucker movie wraps or that commercial wraps or that TV show wraps, you get unemployment on the phone. Oh, yeah. Did you know what? I always did that.

I always did that. Yeah, when I had my favorite TV show. That fucking saved me. Oh, yeah, even a commercial. From 2008 to 2011, like 11, 12, I collect unemployment. Because for all those years, I worked,

I did movies, commercials, TV shows, and I never collected. Then Ari told me, the mind of the Jew, Ari goes, dog, after all those commercials, I fucking How did you not know? I thought that everybody in L.A. Me was like a... Oh, wow. It's like an illegitimate kind of scam.

Like you work one day, and you can file for unemployment, and then if you work, you just take it off your own They don't say nothing to you. They know you're an actor. But don't you only get it for like the length of time that you were on the job or something? I don't know. No, I got it for fucking four or five years.

I was never broke again after I got on the unemployment. Like I always had those gaps of being broke like for a week you broke. You need 200. No. Because they were paying me $450 a week. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I got that for a month.

Yeah. So I was like, I'm staying on this motherfucker. They had no check. They just put it on your ATM. card you go to the wheat store with it you could take the cash out whatever so i didn't fucking know that you could do that oh yeah i knew that even extra work i think like even if you do extra work uh through central casting and then you have like a few weeks you can't get a job or something like that you can't get it that so for all the actors watching this maybe you didn't know maybe you knew

you book a job you're eligible for unemployment even if it's fucking one hour on the set yeah they'll give you unemployment no questions asked They'll work around you, a fucking schedule, the whole thing. How much comedy you got left this year? Actually, I got a bunch now. Thank God. Like, summer, I actually worked quite a bit

at the beginning of, like, when things were reopening before a lot of comics wanted to work yet. You know, I was like, I'll go anywhere. I remember when you did the fucking campsite tour. That was tremendous. Oh, that was so fun. And truck stops.

I was like telling jokes in a bikini at truck stops. It was so stupid. It was so fun. But you were putting it together. You were happy. That's what this pandemic was about. Figuring out how you could put it together and not catch him fucking COVID.

Yeah, it was really fun, man. And then it was awesome. It was like really hilarious because everywhere I would go, the minute I would leave, they'd shut the city back down. It was like literally I would come in, do a weekend. Everything's wide open.

I'd leave. They'd be like, Phoenix is the newest hotbed for COVID, Austin, wherever I was. So I was just kind of avoiding it. And then it got real slow. and now it's picking back up. I've got a bunch of dates coming up. I've got like Texas, Phoenix, Vancouver, a whole bunch.

And I'm doing this rock and wrestling cruise. It's like rock bands and wrestling fans and like wrestlers. And to me and Brad Williams doing shows on it, it's going to be so fun. That's in October. I'm so happy. What rock stars are going? What rock stars are there? I don't know any of the bands.

Like there are none I've ever heard of, but it's Chris Jericho's cruise. Do you know who he is? Yes, the wrestler. Yeah. Yeah. He has a. band and then it's like some of his friends bands that sounds fucking cool where's

the cruise going to COVID bill it's probably I don't know it's Caribbean cruise I don't even look but I know I get to call me when you're stranded out there on the fucking I can't get out they won't let me out send the helicopter go fuck yourself I told you not to go on a

fucking cruise to COVID bill I'm going to take a raft it's going to be fine and then when you're bored they're not going to let you get back out in Florida you have to go to fucking Mexico and shit and walk with the migrant kids and fucking jump the fence. Jesus Christ.

The best is it's like, they ask me if I want to bring somebody. They're going to bring a date. I'm like, are you kidding me? It's like all wrestlers and wrestling. Like, this is going to be like one girl for every 25 guys. And then they were like, do you want security?

I'm like, I have Brad Williams. Like a midget. He's going to keep me safe. How is little Brad doing these days? He's doing great. He came over. We went roller. I saw that he went to visit his family.

Good for Brad. He's always a good fucking dude. You know, Kate, it's not, when we spoke a few weeks ago, I realized how much I loved you. I realized that we were a good team in California. We always got along. It was weird. You know, it took me a while. Oh, no, you froze.

I froze? Is that what you said? I got you now. You're back now. I'm back like herpes. Oh, God. You know, it's just nice to be able to Zoom with some of my friends and do a podcast and to smoke cleared, you know, like there was a lot of shit when I got off the plane. I had to take care of here.

There was no school. My daughter. COVID, the bus. There was a thousand things. The bus. Yeah, she rides on a bus. There was no bus. So, but the bus is working.

We're fine. She's going back to school next Thursday. She's playing softball starting tomorrow. Thank fucking God. practices back so I get to see my favorite parents and shit we get to sit there some of the parents drink I sit there like a mook with a blanket on at night because it's cold that's hilarious that's fun man I'm living a different life Kate you know I love it

I'm living vicariously through you guys I look at your pictures Gabriel fucking selling out arenas and shit and Joe Coy but at the same time I'm enjoying my time at home I'm enjoying what I'm doing you know I already did my time out there in the road. You know, I did all that shit. I want to give it a breather. And I'm not putting any pressure on myself. One day when I wake up, I go,

tonight's the fucking night. I'm getting back on stage or tonight's not. Perfect. I get back on stage. I think that's perfect, man. That's the biggest thing that I changed in terms of just kind of one day at a time and just being happy, just doing whatever makes me happy. There's no like end goal.

It's just being happy, man. I went home and saw my family too. and it was so funny. I went to my nephews band, like they had like a band show, you know, like marching band. I went to my old football stadium where I grew up and it was just,

it was so cool to watch the band practice and just it felt like I haven't done that since I was probably 21 or something, you know, like to go back home and do something like that. It was wild. I was like, oh, there's the bleachers I first made out under. And like back there's where I got like, Arrested the first time, whatever. So it's fine.

It's crazy. Whenever I drive on Route 3, whenever I go up north. By the way, when I went up north last time, I thought of you because I saw Hootie's got a fucking huge billboard on Times Square. Why? I don't know. I called you from the light. I was at the light on Times Square.

That's so funny. That's the biggest fucking thing. But there's a play. there's a place that whenever I get on Route 3 and I drive back home, I always have to drive past my grammar school. It's right on Route 3. It's across New York Motel, McKinley. And I always think about one night it got fucking.

It was freezing out. And this girl's like, I thought you were taking me home. Are we going to make out and all this shit? And I'm like, she was older than me by a year. I was like, I didn't know what to do. And I'm like, listen, you can't come home. I can't go to your house. Let's just swap spit.

we had like parkers on. And I'm like, we could zip up. Like, I was thinking that we could zip up. Like, I could zip, connect the parkers. Oh, my God. That's so funny. So I'm like, we'll connect the parkers and we'll just fuck under the parker, you know. When I got there, you couldn't fuck under the parker.

I had never fucked before. I knew nothing about it. I was just a young kid. And we started swam and spit. And next thing you know, fucking, I'll never forget. This is embarrassing. She's like, let's have sex. So she pulled off a little.

cheerleading bikini on, you know, you have a skirt with the little fucking red bikini that you show people the monkey when you kick your leg, but it doesn't show any hairs or anything. And I never forget that she took off her panties. I was petrified. I had never, I had seen a

pussy before, but I had never, she kept saying, you're going to put it in? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember I put it in and she started yelling the whole fucking thing and squirming. And I don't know. I got dizzy. I don't know if I came. I don't know what happened, but when I fucking look down. There was a little puddle of blood. I divergenized that.

There was a little puddle of blood. So we got up. I got, don't step on the blood. And she's like, oh, thank you for being a gentleman. I want to show my friends. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's too late to let them smell my finger tonight. But I can bring them back tomorrow and show them the pool blood, you know. That's how fucking fat. I am. How do you know you deverginized her? Maybe she was just getting her period. I don't fucking know. I didn't ask. I was too stupid to ask. I was 14. I walked the home. She was crying. You know, she was crying because she got the virginized.

What am I going to tell God and all that? I had to walk home and pat her back the whole way. It's going to be all right. The only embarrassing part of the story is that she was crying after. Jesus is still going to let you in. You know, she was crying and shit. And the next day I remember waking up early and knocking on all my buddies. There are a good sign when they cry.

No, no, it's not a good sign. I didn't know what she was crying about. I'm like, are you crying because you're upset? She's like, no, I'm not going to. My husband's going to send me back now and all this shit. I'm like, anyway, there was another girl that was in my self. Yeah, because there was another girl in my business law class that was a freak when I was like a junior in high school. And she would only get fucked in the ass because she was Greek.

When you're Greek, if you go home with a busted pussy, I swear to God, if you go home with a busted pussy, your husband could send you back. So when you're in high school, you only take it in the ass in college when you're a Greek chick. because your husband will send you back if your little monkeys damage. So she would only let people fuck her in the ass and give you blow jobs. So listen, who the fuck knows?

I just know she was upset because I divergenized her and I rubbed her back. And the next morning I got up and I went up there with my friends like four of my friends. I'm going to show you this fucking, I busted the pussy last night,

you know, like trying to be one of the martial guys. And when we got up there, there was no blood. Well, disappear. Where exactly? Was this outdoors? Yeah, it was outdoors.

There was a wall. Of course it disappeared. An animal probably ate it. There was a door to the gym, a back door to the gym, and there was like a wall there. So I took it behind the wall. If you were driving by, you couldn't really see behind that wall. And plus, it blocked us from the elements. You know what I'm saying?

It was cold out. It was like January or December. Sure. So I thought the blood was going to freeze because it was so cold out. But the next day I got there, it was gone. There wasn't even like a fucking, like a sketch. Like a fucking, like a. How much blood are we talking?

I mean, it's a little tiny dot of. It was like a puddle, like maybe six inches long, a puddle. But they're just to fucking disappear. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is going on in this world? I don't think there's that much. I think it's like just a drop of blood when you de virginize someone. I'm not sure because I think I accidentally devourginized myself. You know, like how sometimes.

you break it by mistake on a bike or something. I never had blood the first time. Keep telling yourself. You got finger at the Girl Scouts and shit. You traded for a box of cookies. That's probably how it happened. You got fingered to death. Yeah.

I forgot about that at the skating rate. Look at these fucking fingers. If I finger you, I'm busting everything. I'm busting your hymen. I'm busting the noodle. I'm busting the bubble for the fucking where the baby's hidden. you're poking the heart joe you're poking the heart i'll poke the fucking kidney look at these fucking gorilla fingers this sausage you crack me up so you got a boyfriend now no nothing are you

gonna stay single what's the future like for k quickly i'm gonna stay single for a minute because i just i just kind of got out of this thing and i'm just trying to figure out sort of i mean i'll be honest like um i haven't done my podcast in a while like this was not easy to date someone so public for me because I'm so open, you know? So I felt kind of restricted in terms of what I like being myself, what I can talk about and stuff. So I kind of want to find like, like just get myself back to normal. So I'm just kind of, uh, I'm about to start a new podcast. I'm not going to say the name of it, but it's really funny. It's going to be really funny. And, uh, and then I've just been writing a lot and stand up and stuff like that. But,

oh, and then the only fans, I've never been naked on my only fans, but I've been using it to do like life coaching with people and stuff like that, like funny life coaching and stuff. So, but yeah, no, I'm going to stay single. I'm going to stay single. I have some fun for a minute. And, you know, that's it.

Fun, fun, fun. When are you going to come business? Actually, I was just talking about that with my buddy, Adam from Counting Pros. His girlfriend's in New York while he's on tour. We're good friends. So I'm going to go visit her. So I'll be there soon, maybe a few weeks.

Well, keep me post. Any dates you want to pump? Um, actually I'd have to look at my schedule, but, you know, follow me on social media. I post everything there and go check out my only fans because I don't have a job. Good. So that's it. Yeah. You look beautiful.

You look happy. I miss you. I miss you too, man. I miss you too. So you're always welcome here. I got a spare bedroom. Jim's got a spare bedroom. You know, you got family here.

So Jim's right around the corner. Thank you. So whenever you want to stop by, but please, you know, let's keep in touch. We've been having a good time lately, keeping in touch, and it means to walk to me. So I didn't know that we were fucking so tight. So, you know, you think you're friends with people, and then you let the coffee sit for a while, you know, and then you see what cream rises and you rose to the top. So I appreciate you with all my heart for being my friend and for the friendship that we have. It's funny as fuck.

We talk about weird shit all the time, eating assholes. and doing all crazy shit, but that's what it's all about sometimes. I think that, you know, all these fucking rules have fucked us up and people can't be friends no more because, you know, I got to be careful what I say, you know, she's going to get pissed off at me.

Fuck all that shit. We're friends to the end. So thank you very much. I'm so happy we did this. Like it's so good to your faith. Me too, man. And send you luck to your mom. Yeah.

My mom loves you. My mom wants to make more scrunchies for your daughter. Make how many you want. She'll use them all. She still uses them. She shows me a day. This is one of Kate's. It was a purple one.

She loves you very much. So thank you for coming on to join today. And we will talk during the week. All right. I'll call you later tonight. All right. All right. Later.

I love you. What's that? You got any spots tonight or anything? No, but I do tomorrow. Oh, I'm doing that Supernova show tomorrow. and then the improv on Thursday, Hollywood Improv. Okay. I love you, Kay.

Thank you for being my friend. Stay black and beautiful. All right, bye. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I hope you enjoyed Kate Quigley. I enjoyed the shit out of her. It was great to see her. She looks fucking beautiful.

She's healthy. And that's all that counts right now. Thank you very much for supporting the joint, for supporting my Patreon. I don't know when the NFTs are coming again. I think I'm going to switch companies. and go to a different company, laughing gas is in stock,

and that's it. We got 30 fucking days to the many Saints of Newark. That's all that fucking matters today. If you got anything from this podcast, that's what it is today. I want to thank Kate, but most importantly,

I want to thank you motherfuckers for always having my back and supporting the podcast. Have a great Labor Day weekend. We'll be here Monday morning for your Labor Day. We will have a podcast out early Monday morning for you.

So don't sweat the small stuff. If you got nowhere to go, eat a hamburger. Watch the fucking podcast and relax with Uncle Joey. It's that simple. Don't forget college football is here. And don't forget next weekend after Labor Day, the 11th, 12th, and 13th is fucking pro footballs back. The NFL. So we're back, bitches.

I love your cocksuckers. Have a great week. Have a great Labor Day. And I'll see you Monday morning. Tip Top McGoo. Now for a word. for my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, I want to thank

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