The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #097 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, September 13th..... This episode is brought to you by Public Rec, DraftKings & Manscaped..... Go to https://www.PublicRec.com Press JOEY for 10% OFF! Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook Bet $1 & get $200! Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY - PROMO CODE: JOEY 20% Off & FREE WORLDWIDE SHIPPING! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Oh shit! It's going to be a good week. It's Monday the 13th of September. The Joint wants to welcome public wreck. Listen, how many of you guys like to chill out, relax, you know, a little ripped up torn t-shirt, some nice sweatpants, maybe some flip-flops, your feet are out. You know what I'm saying? You're showing people how ugly your feet are.

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You're not going to be sorry. I love these warm-up pants. The joint is also brought to you by from the heart of motherfucking New Jersey. Draft Kings, week one may be over, but the, The season is just getting fucking started. Get it on action with Draft King's Sportsbook app, the official sports betting partner of the NFL. For week two, Draft Kings is giving new customers.

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and free worldwide shipping when you go to manscape.com slash Joey. Again, that's manscape.com slash Joey. No more stinky fucking ball hairs, cocksucker. Let's do this shit right now. Let's get the joint started. It's fucking Monday. Look with a beastung me,

that cocksucker. Let's do it. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday the 13th of August. We made We didn't get attacked. It was a great fucking weekend. You know what I'm saying? People were worried. We were going to get attacked on Saturday.

You know, everybody was walking around with a fucking umbrella and shit. You know, what are you going to do? It was 20 years ago we will fucking make it and never fucking forget. You understand me? That's all you could do. It was a great week last week. For starters, fucking football is back, Jack. Fucking Dallas covered on Thursday night.

You know me. I'm a creepy fuck. I took Tampa Bay plus the 73 from Draft Kings, but I loved fucking Dallas. I don't give a fuck. Free money is free money. If you guys didn't take it, go fuck yourselves. You fucked up. But school was back.

My daughter's very fucking happy. We had a great week last week. We really fucking did. Monday, I don't know what happened. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday were great fucking days around here with her. You know, I had a, I couldn't fucking do a lot of shit. So I had to do some shit Whatever before school

I mean It was just great I took it to the gym She jumped up and down And then the weekend came We practiced on Friday night It was fucking fun We were supposed to go to a football game

Me and my wife looked at each other We're like fuck that We were supposed to go to a practice We're like, it's fucking freezing out here on Friday night So Saturday we had a full fucking day of games She tied the first game And then she lost two games for the All-Stars.

Direct games she won, but the two games for the All-Stars, she lost, but they got fucking 55 games. I don't give a fuck, you know. And then what else did we do? We came home, and our friends were going to have a football game at 5.30. The fire department was going to be there. They were going to come up, firecrackers, asbestos,

the whole fucking thing. And we were like, you know what, man, we've been out of field all fucking day. We're just going to sit home, get some Chinese food and fucking watch Cruella. And it was tremendous. I went while the girls were showing. I flew over and got a little couple of hot fud Sundays at fucking Carvel.

You know what I'm saying? I came back. We sat down like a family and we watched Cruella. And I got to tell you, last week I watched a Disney movie where it was Disney slash Marvel. And this week I watched a Disney movie. And I got to tell you something. I don't give a fuck how old you are. Those Disney movies are just great.

The fucking music and Crewella this week I mean I was they played a song by Joe Texx You know Joe Tex is? No you don't Trust me nobody fucking knows I know because the song is It's gotta be 50 fucking years old It's called I gotcha Uh huh huh

It's fucking Joe Tex When I first came from fucking Cuban My mom had a bar in Harlem And I met that Jasper Williams The Black dude And on Saturday nights That's why African Americans are so talented Because why you're out jumping up and down

Watching football and all that stupidity They're having talent contest in the projects I swear to God We used to have a talent contest Every fucking Saturday night Followed by a soul trained fucking line Of dancing on Saturday night That's what poor people do

That's why they're fucking so advanced The fucking brothers with the dancing And the fucking singing and the talent When you look at us you're like What the fuck? How did he get so good? He was sick. when he was four instead of you dumb motherfuckers being at Disneyland see fucking being poor has his benefits you know what I'm saying you motherfuckers jumping up and down at Disneyland

meanwhile the Jackson 5 is living in one room singing that's all they could do they even have fucking food all they're hungry sing bitch sing you're fucking hungry this is Gary Indiana cuck sucker you want to eat eat a rat that's all there is to fucking eat here but it's just interesting that you watch these Disney fucking movies and they're entertaining. I watch an adult movie and I'm like, somebody fucking shoot me already. You watch an adult movie sometimes,

it's like they try so fucking hard to be so fucking witty and you're like, this blows. Disney, I don't even know half the fucking actors. Like, they don't even, yeah, like they had the rock and the one and whatever and Kurella, but in fucking the Silver Rings,

I didn't know nobody. I knew that one dude that was in the Sopranos, the old man from sexy freak. That's the only dude. I don't even know if that's the name of the fucking movie. Sexy animals. Sexy Beast. Sexy Beast, that's the name of the fucking movie.

That's the only guy I recognize. And he had a little part. He wasn't one of the stars of the fucking movie. When you have a movie, you have to have stars to draw it in. Disney don't fucking do that. They're great. And then they do fucking 90 million world fucking wide. Then they hit you with, by the ways.

Oh, we made fucking 200 million in China. We made 300 million in Australia. You motherfuckers get paid. No wonder fucking that chick-suing you. The Black Widow chick, she got pissed off. She's like, bitch, you was just supposed to fucking put in a movie theater. You weren't supposed to stream it. And then, by the way, tell me, oh, by the way, we made fucking 90-mill in Hong Kong.

Really? What are you fucking nuts or what? I want my end. But now we watch Corella. And then football is back. Jimmy Florentine had his fucking weekly little fucking bash. I went over there and said, hello. The first week was empty, you know, just a couple of the same.

And then I went over the Marlboro Day. And that was it. That was my fucking day. And that was the weekend. A tremendous fucking weekend. No drama. I'm still getting hot. I didn't smoke in the daytime.

No edibles. No nothing. I'm feeling better. Anxiety is minimal. Minimal. Between the fuck, I start, and you want me to tell you something? Again, I attributed to the squats and the dead lips.

People always say to me, what are you talking about? Deadlips. I don't give a fuck what's going on with your life I'm an old fucking man Years ago I started squatting Boom I knocked up my wife You squat There's always positive fucking results

You squat first Like I do my warm up And I put the heavy squats in I do my warm up on Friday And I do the fucking deadlars Wednesday is just a throwaway day It's cables, it's machines It's some free weights

Maybe some kettlebells But Mondays and Fridays, I alternate the fucking squat and the deadlift to build strength. First, you do it because it tones the whole body, not just the legs, and an involuntary tones the cock. That's very important when you're over 50. You understand me? You guys are young. Enjoy it. You can hit it with a fucking hammer now, light it on fire.

But once you're over 50, you struggle with your cock. You're like one of those Indian dudes with the fucking flute with the snake. It's a 50-50 chance. You could be out there all day blowing on that flute and that snake don't come out or you could just give it a And the fucking thing pops up. I got one of those dicks right now. But if I deadlift and squat and do my protein powders and I sleep, do to do the do it's perfect. The dick works a lot better.

Not that I'm giving out stabbing like, you know, fucking China's giving out COVID. I'm just fucking, you know, you know, whatever. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. It's Monday morning. I just want to talk to you guys from the heart. Kate Quigley is home. She's feeling better. I spoke to her.

We kept it very light. You know how much I love her and how much I respect her. She, you know, exactly what I said was going to happen. Listen, people died. And that's heavy. It's very heavy to open your eyes after you've done a line of Coke. and see three people on the floor and the chairs or whatever the fuck they were. You know, she's concerned about, you know, the Tylenol, whatever the fuck you call it,

teffinol or whatever. Fethanol, whatever fuck it is. Fetano, Tylenol, it's all the fucking same at the end of the week. You know, but she's doing a lot better, you know. Again, right now she just needs to rest. she doesn't have to make a comeback. She said she's got a few weeks off from comedy anyway, so it doesn't matter.

She's just going to take the time, rest, do some writing. She released a statement on Twitter. And that's it. You know, I'm going to support her. I got her back. It was an accident. You know, it could have happened to anybody. You know, it could happen to me, could happen to you.

So before you judge, I read a lot of the things that people wrote. I didn't say anything. You know, a lot of people sent positive stuff and great stuff. A few fucking maggots sent garbage. I didn't even reply to them because they don't fucking matter in the world. You know, right now the world's in a weird place and you're going to be writing shit like that. I can't even, you know, it's not even worth addressing these fucking losers. But she's fine.

She's going to be all right. You know, the guy died on Monday, you know, from Fet and all. God rest his soul. The other act, the fucking guy was a phenomenal act, and it was crazy because he died Monday and Monday night. I did my stuff. And after I played the guitar, I came in and my wife was watching the Sopranos. And he was on that episode of The Sopranos. We were like, who the fuck died today?

My wife's like him. I'm like, yeah, Michael Kay. So, you know, it's just a bad fucking. time for that shit and you know what's the answer guys i i read something and i spoke to a friend of mine and what i read and what my friends said were fucking disturbing as fuck to a guy like me and you guys know i'm a junkie you guys know i'm not hiding anything i'm a junkie so he's like you know it's getting rough out there with this fucking stuff it seems like now i got to buy a kit to test my shit. What? What? Listen, there's no more testing. There's no testing. When you're doing blow

and they're putting fentanyl and blow and, you know, listen, it's over. I'm telling you guys right now, I'm an old man. I did it for 29 years. If I was in a room with two people and two of them died from fentanyl and I lived it's over and even listen just even being an innocent bystand how I am now I'm an innocent bystand I was in New Jersey when it went down the whole thing you know some stuff went down in Long Island my heart goes out to their families and whatnot but the main fucking thing is that even like if I was doing coke today I'd have to fucking take a look and go do I want to do a line of Coke and fucking die on the spot? Is it worth it for a line of fucking Coke? And let me tell you something. Yeah, you're going to test. This is why I'm saying it's not

going to work out for you if you think you're just going to get a testing kit. Listen, they have those things in fucking edibles, some edibles. That's why there's a lot of edibles I don't eat. Unless I know the people, I don't eat their fucking edibles. What do you mean, Joey, know the people. I know the company. I know the people who make the products. I know the people who come out and they stand behind the product. And it's, you know, it's like Justin from ABX. You know, that guy came to all the fucking shows on Tuesday nights. He would talk, you know, I would not grill him, but I would ask him questions about how

they would make those ABX capsules and what makes them stronger and da-da-da-da-da-da. And not one time these say fucking fentanyl. I doubt he would say fucking fentanyl anyway. But, you know, you just got to be fucking careful. You know, sometimes you eat something and you feel a little. different, a little weird. Right there, you know what? I'm never going to eat those things again.

I don't know if they have fentanyl all night. I don't have time to take him to the lab. What am I, a scientist? Would I have a fucking beaker with fucking suits and lights and shit? I don't have that. But I'm not going to get no fucking tester. He was telling me that he had a friend of his. He talked to a friend of his that they're doing a festival for them to have a room to test their drugs.

Are you fucking crazy? Once it's time to test street drugs, it's time to give it a breather. or just do whatever the fuck work around it I would never do a line of coke again after the Kay Quigley thing just out of respect for Rico, fool, and Natalie, the three people who died, I would never do a line of Coke again.

That's why I would base that promise off of those three. You know what that's like? To think you're going to have a good time. That's like going on a roller coaster and the thing flies off the fucking tracks. It's the same fucking thing with fentanyl. You were trying to have a good time. It's not, listen,

It's not fucking legal, whatever. And this is an argument for a lot of people why they should make drugs legal. Again, when it comes to heroin and coke, and I don't want to make those fucking things legal. I just don't. Not right now. Not right now.

The world's in too much turmoil to start making those drugs fucking legal. What you have to do is just avoid them. That's it. That's what I would fucking do. That's my fucking story, and I'm sticking to it. And I got no reason to lie. That's it. I would fucking just quit.

You know, when I was in LA, I knew for a fact, like I told you guys last week, all those pills that these people got down to Mexico and buying, they think they're being cute, there's fentanyl on them. Who knows who makes these fucking things? Do I trust the Mexicans to have a pharmacist? It could be anybody. It could be a narco. What if he turns around and one extra drop goes into the fucking pill? You don't know these things. Remember, I grew up with the fucking Kualoolew things.

I grew up when Kualoos were fucking, you know, prominent. They were ecstasy. They were fucking everything rolled up into one quailutes. And one day, fucking they banned them. And all of a sudden people started making fucking quailudes at home. And I've got to tell you something, man. There was a lot of car accidents. A lot of trees got bumped into.

A lot of people broke their necks on bicycles. Because, like I said, the table was crooked. You know, they would make these quailutes, and the table would be fucking unbalanced. So all the strength from the fucking pills, would go down the fucking table and they'd be in these last 20 pills. These 80 pills up here were mediocre fucking strength.

So the guy would tell you, the quailudes are great. You would eat a mediocre pill and go, nothing's really happening. And then either three doser and fucking pass the fuck out. Next thing you know, you're getting fucked in the ass by Cosby.

You don't know what the fuck's going on. That's why, because you did a three fucking doser instead of a regular doser. So this dose here, they had enough of a dose, but the real strong stuff went into these 20 pills down here. So when you ate one of these 20 pills, you lost it.

And trust me, man, there was a couple nights. I don't have to fucking lie to anybody. I didn't know D, but my eyes were in the back of my fucking head. And that's not a good fucking feeling. When somebody tells you the next day, dog, I went to wake you up. And the eyes were in the back of your fucking head. That's not a great fucking feeling. And eventually one day I stopped fucking eating them.

And I got to be honest with you. When I was in Aspen, Colorado, I was buying them up there, across the street from the internet house and one night I bought a bad batch of those quailoos and I think that's what made me stop fucking eating them I remember one night I had to go to the fucking I think I told this on stage

for a while I was telling this fucking joke on stage for a while it's not really a joke it's a story I was living with my friend Jimmy Berkel God rest of soul and it was my first Halloween in Aspen and I don't know if you guys know about Aspen they have a

fucking fantastic Halloween It's a tremendous fucking mock roll. People get dressed up. They come from all over Colorado. They drive up to Aspen. They walk down fucking the popular street in Aspen. I don't know if it's Galena. I fucking forget now.

But, you know, we got all excited. I was fucking 19 years old, maybe 18. Jimmy was maybe 23. We were kids. And we're like, we're going to fucking Aspen tonight. We're going to fucking get dressed up. So we made the decision, the Sunday, Halloween was on Halloween, fell on a weekend.

No, not that fucking week. Halloween fell on a Monday night. And we had decided it on Sunday. We were talking shit outside. On Sundays in Snowmass in 83, we would play fucking flag football down by the golf course. And then after that, we would fucking cook. These guys from New Orleans would fucking cook tremendous shit. And then we would go back to the house and watch football.

It was a fucking party. So they were talking about it one day, like, we're going to go up to the morcraw, and me, Jimmy Berkel, and my friend Cato were like, yeah, let's fucking go. We'll have a bang-up fucking time, the whole thing. The next day I went to work at Aspen Electric, I get home, Cato shows up with these fucking tremendous quailutes from Woody Creek. You could tell they were fucking Fugazis because the Rora, that's how you could tell, because they were either Rora or Lemon.

And you could see that. The guy who etch-skech-sketched it, fucking had like a shaky hand like he didn't have his shot of vodka that day so the fucking hell on the lemon would be a little fucked up and shit you know, these little, listen, you didn't give a fuck.

You didn't give a fuck. A Kuelu was a Kualo. So he shows up with three of those fucking bootleg Kualoos. We fucking ate him. And we said, listen, let's watch the football game. Because in Colorado, the football game comes out at 7. We go, what are we going to go out at 7? Let's watch the football game at 7.

And then like 930, We'll head up to Aspen. It's only a half hour ride. It'll take us five minutes to get fucking parked. And we can walk around. Jesus Christ, all three of us ate those gorilla biscuits. Next thing you know, we wake up, it's midnight. Fuck!

We just went down. No alcohol, no nothing. Just a gorilla biscuit. And next thing you know, I woke up at midnight. Jimmy Berkel was snoring. Cato was on the fucking floor. Face fucking down, drooling like fucking, what's his name from Narcos? When they woke him up, when they read it to pot.

fucking field and they woke him up and he had foam coming out of his mouth tremendous. I woke up with foam on my face many a fucking time. That's when you know you had a good fucking night. So those are the fucking bootleg Kualoos and I'm like, thank God. I didn't eat this Kualoo. Because I would have just passed out. I would have just passed the fuck out of the bar. Again, somebody could rape you, stick a finger up your ass.

You don't need the aggravation on a Kualoo. They used to be people who used to go out just looking. for Kuelud victims, people that were fucking holding the wall or dropping glasses, but who gives a Frenchman's fuck? Anyway, what I wanted to talk about this week was something very important that I've learned the last year. I learned about it the last year, and it was, I learned it the hard way, and I learned it the fucking soft way.

It was really weird, and today we're going to talk about laughter. how important laughter is, you know. I love North Bergen, New Jersey. I always loved it. I thanked it for my sense of humor. I thanked it for my balls, and I thanked North Bergen for what they did for me after my mother died.

I was always very grateful to North Bergen for the three things they did for me. when I came back to when I moved back to Jersey, I thought I would be involved more in North Bergen. And I went up there and it's really rough to drive around. It's a lot of traffic, you know. But I realized that my friends were gone. And I have friends up there.

I have great friends. But the dudes I had come up with, the dudes that made my fucking day were Roger, Stinky, Fernie, Mike Runny, you know, Mike Runny's in Delaware, Roger's dead, God rest his soul, Stinky, he's working and he is, you know, his life's changed. And my other buddy Ferns is half retarded, you know, he just, the gambling and the drugs early on just fucked them up. And I don't have those friends anymore. there some of them are alive but we're just uh different people now you know and and that's been the case

with a lot of my friends with different people and i could understand that but i'm always very grateful to them because they taught me the gift of laughter and and when i you know a lot of people go to me dog you had a rough fucking childhood you know how the fuck did you listen if you knew how much i laughed you know and i got to throw steva villo in there i got to throw a lot of guys in there my mind was taken over by laughter. I laughed so much. And yeah, at night when the party was over, I would cry myself to sleep

because my mother wasn't around. And I was sad. I was living with somebody and my life wasn't what I wanted it to be. But laughter surrounded my life a lot, you know. And I'm not talking about like stand-up comedy or watching movies. That's a big fucking difference.

It's not like I turned down a movie and it fucking made my day. I enjoyed movies. enjoyed going to the movies. But just having people that were funny around me really changed my fucking outlook on things. Like, it really fucking helped me. So I have always, as a human being, have turned to laughter.

You know, the last year, you guys mentioned it to me. I mentioned it to you. There wasn't a lot of laughter in my life. You know, like, I just didn't have anything to laugh. I couldn't focus on laughing. lately I've been fucking howling again by myself and that's always a good sign I have to laugh by myself

you know nobody can make me fucking laugh I have to giggle at a light like I'm at a light and I think about Ralphie Mae falling down on Burke Kreishe's dollhouse and I fucking laugh the other day I was laughing about a friend of mine who threatened me once with a toothpick

on his mouth and while he was threatening me he did something in the toothpick went into his throat and he almost choked you know shit like that That's my sense of humor. When the other day, I went to the gym, and Anthony, the owner of the gym, has a little office, and he was sitting with the guy that referred me to the dentist.

I went in there on purpose, and I blew a tremendous fart. There's no windows in there or nothing. The guy told me the next day that his contact lenses melted, how bad the farts are. I go in there sometimes I blow tremendous farts. You know, when you bend over, you have to slam the ball and shit. You have farts that are caught on. your ribs and stuff that are a few days old that you have to put into the fucking

into the fucking turnpite to get the party started so I'm you know I love all that shit but my point is this you know I go I've been my daughter's been playing softball now for whatever since March whatever the fuck six months I don't know seven months we didn't play in LA she started playing fucking here I'm happy that she plays it is she fucking Don Clinton Dunnan, no. Is she fucking, the player from the Angels, the Japanese guy, Otani? No, you know, she's just a little girl. That's learning how to fucking play.

And I enjoy it. I enjoy going to watch her. I enjoy seeing her drop the ball. I've enjoyed watching this journey, you know. But at the practices and at the fucking games, there's always a parent that you could tell He's Pistol Pete's fucking father. And he drives me fucking crazy. That shit drives me crazy.

You know, you want to push a girl or a child away from you. You force him into doing something. Listen, with my daughter, it's whatever the fuck she wants to do. I always look at it and go, listen, if you want to do it, the day you don't want to do it, you don't have to do it. You know, I take it to kickboxing now. But there's one day a week they break out those fucking sticks, those tie sticks. I love it. I'm happy that they're teaching of that.

For anybody who knows martial arts, like Hawaiian martial arts, when they teach you Hawaiian martial arts, first they teach you with the sticks, then it's the night, the shorter your distance, and then it's hand-to-hand. So it's the whole fucking deal, the whole package. You learn different ranges. So I understand, but I always ask her after she does that particular class,

and we don't want to come to this class no more. You don't have to. She goes, no, I like it. You know, that's my point. My point is that fucking, I don't want to force her into doing something she doesn't want to do because 20 years from now she's going to hate me for it. I don't want that. You don't want to do it?

You don't see me doing nothing I don't want to fucking do. I hate doing stuff that I don't want to fucking do, you know. So why would I fucking do it? The first time she tells me she doesn't want to go to kickboxing, I throw the fucking boxing gloves away. That's it. Are you sure? Do you want me to save the boxing gloves? To hit the bag in the garage? Is there any, no? Okay, fine.

The first time she tells me she doesn't want to play softball, boom, we get rid of the fucking back, we get rid of the fucking back, we give the equipment to somebody. I'm not, I'm not the type of, because I understand how it backfires. I'm the type of motherfucker. I won't do whatever the fuck I don't want to do. I don't give a fuck whose feelings got hurt or who gets pissed off. It's your life. You can't be living your life for somebody to fuck else so they could jump up and down.

I don't have time for that shit. do that shit when you're a kid. Once you have an adult and you have your own family, you have to fucking, your time has to be a little bit. And that's what was, those are the things I took care of when I came from L.A. Taking care of my time.

My time was spread out for people. I had to cancel that. I had to cancel that fucking venue. That venue was canceled. You know, I was spending three hours a day going back with people that had no interest in, I was doing. They just wanted to take up my time. And one day when I went back to them and said,

I'm not doing this anymore, you could hit me all you want on fucking Twitter and Facebook, but don't call my, you know, I don't have time to take away from my daughter. When I'm going to call my daughter to talk to you about whatever things you have in your life. I had to really look at my fucking time and adjust my fucking time to me, you know, to make it work for me. A lot of people had a problem with that. I'm fucking sorry. I can't have. help you. I have an eight-year-old. I have a wife and I have responsibilities. And I'm a fucking 58-year-old man. I don't do what I used to do anymore. You know, I wish I could go eat eight slices of fucking pizza. I can't do that no more. So I fucking don't, you know. So my point

is that every fucking week during baseball, I got to sit at a fucking practice with two or three parents that during the game, they get mad. They're fucking saying shit about. the coaches. They're saying shit about fucking the other. Why do they keep swinging at the stuff that they're not supposed to swing at? Dushbag, did you ever think about that they're eight fucking years old? They're eight and nine years old. Do you think that this fucking matters on their life,

what they're doing right now when they're eight or nine years old? You know, my daughter tied the first game and then, and she did good the first game. It was a wreck game. So she had a few hits and shit. She got on, I think she did, she was three for four. She batted three for four during the first game. That's great.

But the All-Star games, she's playing up. She's eight, and she's playing with 10 and 11-year-olds. So she's not doing too good. But I don't really give a fuck. She played as a catcher yesterday for three innings, and she did sensational. She knew where everything was. She threw somebody out at home.

She recovered a bun and stepped on hold. plate. She threw somebody out at third. She drew a couple people out at first. Very good fucking job. You know, but for me, I want her to do it to have fun. She was out there for fucking six hours playing

with her little girlfriend's yelling, singing, we are the whatever mayhem. They stomp, they fucking eat candy, they fucking throw shit. You know, I don't give a fuck, if she strikes out all four fucking times, I don't give

fuck if she misses the ball at all fucking times gets hit her all i want from her is to laugh that's it and you can hear them giggling and i mean i'm a hundred yards away from her in that dugout i don't sit behind the dugout i still on the other side i want to get a little vitamin d we's have a lot of fucking room there there's a little awning you could sit under you don't have to get sun so yeah we were there for six hours yesterday but three hours i was in the sun as you could tell the color. I still got it. You know what I'm saying?

You could tell by the color that fucking, you know, I did three hours in the sun and three under the awning. But that's not the point. The point is that she's fucking laughing. And those other girls

on the field are fucking laughing. But this parent is like the pitching isn't consistent. It's the fucking first day. It's the first game. And then my wife gets into the conversation. Well, and I had to say something like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, time out. You know what?

What is this? ESPN? I haven't, I didn't see you or you on the 1986 fucking Mets. So until I see you in the 1986 Mets or the 2000, whatever, Boston Red Sox won in the championship, or the fucking Yankees, I advise that you shut your fucking mouth. I hate these fucking people that, you know, what the fuck do you do with your fucking life? And you're sitting there, bad-mouthed fucking four guys that coach and little girls, probably for free because their daughters are on the team,

sitting out there in the fucking heat for six fucking hours on a fucking, what do they give those guys, 40 bucks for the fucking days? They're not doing it for the 40 bucks. They do it because they enjoy it. They enjoy being around our daughters. They enjoy fucking the camaraderie, and they want to make sure their daughter gets raised, right? Whatever. Me, do I play softball?

No. Did I ever play softball organized? I did a couple fucking things, but I don't know nothing about softball. So you're not going to see my fucking Cuban ass giving out orders or telling people how to work out. I don't know anything about that shit. That's not my world.

I go there and say, how you doing, coach? What's happening? I'm respectful to the fucking coaches. I sit down, I bring my little bottle of water, my little nicotine gums, and I fucking mind my business. I chew gum and I fucking drink my fucking water. I don't say anything.

Every couple of innings I get up, I walk around. I go by Mercy. I check up on her. You know, how you doing? What's going on in the fucking dugout? They're like, Mercy. Is that your daddy?

It looks like Grandpa from the Munsters. Yeah, that's me. Cogsuck. Grandpa from the Munsters and I walk back. I don't go up to that. I remember the rules. There ain't no fucking rules. The rules are, have fun.

That's the fucking rule. Have fun. Run around the bases. Slide. Get bit by a mosquito. Look at this. I got bit by a fucking bee yesterday. I don't give a fuck.

I was sitting in. I looked down and the B was doing his job. I just flung him. He fucking flung back. He landed and I lit him on fire. I must have killed six flies at that fucking baseball game yesterday by myself. They would land on my leg. I'd hit him and I didn't, I was, I was throwing him in the grass at first.

But then when I was in the fucking, when I was sitting under the awning, it's concrete. So I was killing the flies and throwing them on the concrete. and I would take a little wing off and put them there and I would throw a little water on them, you know what I'm saying? So they could stay fucking little dehydrated or hydrated.

I don't want my flies to be dehydrated. I made sure they got a sun tan and before I left, I stepped on them and that was the end of the fucking flies. Four fucking flies, kaput. I had three other ones on the other side that I fucking killed

and they were fucking kaput. My point is, man, you gotta fucking just laugh. That's it. And that's what I wasn't doing my first year. I was having a hard time laughing. I forgot the move was overwhelming. You know, I was concerned with COVID, the fucking numbers, the whole fucking deal.

And, you know, now I just don't give a fuck. I'm not putting myself in COVID situations. You know, I'm not getting out any fucking planes. I'm just trying to live my life to the best of my fucking ability. I got therapy tomorrow. I got notes for the fucking therapist, you know, I go in there 100% now. I'm trying to address whatever issues I may have that I have on the fence, you know, something that's bothering me, whatever.

And I got to be honest with you, man. Six months ago, I didn't think I would fucking make it until fucking September. It was just a struggle. I was having a hard time from day to day. But a lot of things happened that helped me fucking change one of them. I tell you, man, was the therapy. Two was the journaling. And three was that new fucking alpha brain,

that new black fucking box addition of the alpha brain. That shit is a fucking sizzler. And if you look at me six months ago and what I was talking about behind this microphone, and if you judge me by what I'm talking about today, if I was you, I get some of that fucking, And if you're feeling how I did, you know, I had some mental health issues and the anxiety, but I couldn't focus. You know, it wasn't like I was depressed.

I'm never really depressed, but I kind of was. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I was feeling ho-hum, as they say, is that what you call it? I'm feeling a little ho-hum. And I changed, you know, the workout a little bit to make a little bit more strength so my body could utilize. protein a little better, you know, so I wanted to do that. You know, guys, I work hard on what I'm trying to fucking accomplish here. I'm one of these guys that I'm kind of happy.

Like, I'm getting emails from people now. Like, the word no is a powerful word, and people can't comprehend it. Sometimes it took me years to comprehend the word no. And once I started using it more, it's, I understood the word, no. from the whore perspective, you know, because I'm a fucking whore as a comic. And it's weird now. I feel as if I feel like I have that aspect under control. The journaling helped me a lot to read back the notes of what I was feeling to fucking attack.

You know, I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling anymore. I wasn't doing a couple weeks ago, I did the Patreon podcast. and I think that was the peak of it. I was just not depressed, but I wasn't feeling it. I'm the type of guy that if I don't feel I'm doing you a justice, I don't want to do it anymore. Why are we wasting our fucking time? I don't want to waste your time.

I don't want to waste my fucking time. And it's so weird that that's been the, that has been my formula the last year, that it's just as I'm about to give up, boom, I see fucking daylight. You know, it started with the knee. The knee surgery was brutal. There was one weekend where the pain,

I was taking a pill. I swear to you guys, I was taking a pill and it wasn't doing anything. My shin was on fucking fire. And I remember that there was a point where I had to eat two fucking pain pills. And I remember that two or three hours later, the pain started coming up again.

And I remember I actually called the doctor's office on a fucking Sunday and made like an emergency call. You know, like when they're like, if it's an emergency, the answer service. And actually the doctor called me back. That was the one time he was good. And I was like, dog, this pain is fucking horrible. I cannot take it anymore. And he's like, I don't know what to tell you.

I said, you know what? Fuck you. And I went. I called a friend of mine. And I said, do you have anything stronger for fucking pain? I know he had fallen out of a fucking helicopter or something 20 years ago. I don't know what the fuck happened to this guy. He landed on his head or something.

So he said, I got one of those extra strength. I forget what the fuck you call him. I said, I'll take it. And I took that fucking pill. And yeah, it neutralized the pain, but it made me feel even shittier. You know, like, I don't do well on pain pills. I was like, this has to end. And the next day I woke up, and the pain had dropped.

fucking 50% I never established that pain so it got worse before it got better as you could tell this week I'm having a good week the last three episodes I've been flowing a little more

Sunday two weeks ago I had a little fucking breakdown I was in a party and I was just sitting talking to people the way I'm talking to you motherfuckers right now and you know just sitting and all of a second

my stomach don't feel right And also I was like, ooh, I think I'm going to pass out. Holy shit, I think I'm going to fart. And all of a sudden, I started closing my eyes. I think I'm going to fucking pass out. I think I'm going to pass out. And I go, I can't pass out here. I'm in fucking the neighbor's house.

They're going to fucking never invite me over again. I go, I got to reach from my, I got to figure out a way to get my wife. And before I could go from my wife, I looked up and she was right there. And I clung on to her, and she walked me in. I didn't pass out or anything. I sat down, but I felt so fucking shitty that day. Like my arm was sweating from here to here. It was just sweating.

Even my wife said I'd never seen something like that, your arm just sweating like that. I've never seen nobody fucking do it. That was the worst I ever felt. I came home Sunday night and I didn't feel too fucking good. I even told my wife that I'm a little concerned. I might go to the doctor tomorrow. the way I'm feeling my body feels cut, boom.

I woke up fucking Monday morning feeling tip-top fucking Magoo, and I felt better the whole fucking week. So it gets worse before it gets better. That's what I've realized of me this year, that I have like a bad, bad, bad, bad fucking day, and the next day it eases up a little bit. So laughter is the whole fucking thing, man. And for a long time, I don't know what was going on.

I wasn't laughing enough. I wasn't hanging out with the wrong, right people. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Since when, yeah, you know, when I was a kid and I was hanging out with Fernie and Rod. They were funny fucking people. But I got to be honest with you guys. I've always found the laughter as funny, as crazy as the sounds. I've always found the laughter from within.

You know, it's when I'm sitting there and I just burst out into fucking tears. You know, when I think about Ralphie, when I think about Ralphie, when I think about Lee puking that night on the mushrooms where he just puked on his shirt and looked at me and he goes, are we at the hospital? And I'm like, no, we're not at the hospital. He kept ass, oh yeah, every 15 minutes we were talking. He would go, you're not going to take me to the hospital, are you?

And I'm like, no, I'm not going to take him to the hospital. You know, I was thinking about the night that, like, I have tons of material in my head to laugh at guys. I was thinking about the other than that. Well, I wasn't thinking about it. I was reminded of it. The end of that I was practicing the guitar, and then I went on YouTube to watch Eric Clapton play Eyesight to the Blind with Santana.

Eyesight to the Blind is an old song he did from Tommy with the Who. Fucking Eric Clapton shreds that fucking guitar. But I heard it on the radio with Santana. I was sitting there, and I'm like, oh, my God, eyesight to the blind. Very fucking cool. But all of a sudden, I'm like, wow, it must be live because he sounds like Santana. And then I looked at the radio. It was on Sirius.

You know, they're the only ones that play that type of music. I looked at the radio and said Santana and fucking Eric Clapton. I'm like, holy fuck, I was right. So when I came home that night, I put on fucking the video to see it. Fucking tremendous. But when I was looking for the video, I saw the polytunes, video of the night that I gave. I'll never forget.

I forgot it until I saw it. But once I saw the video, I fucking was dying. I laughed at the guys. It was one day somebody gave me a 500 milligram brownie. Oh, it was in San Jose. The dudes up there, the fucking, the dudes that sold the gummy bears fucking had a 500 milligram brownie. And I remember I ate a whole.

one at the San Jose Improv. And I had to run and get a piece of chicken because I thought I was going to pass out. Because it fucking shot up. It was terrible. It just shot up my anxiety. And I had like 10 minutes before I got on stage and I'm like, holy fuck, I'm going to pass out. So I just ran in the kitchen and told the guy,

let me get a fucking chicken sandwich. One of those dead chicken sandwiches of those chickens that haven't been kicked. You know which ones I'm talking about the grilled ones? Not the fried ones that are kind of fucking good. The grilled ones that they actually put, like the magic marker, to show you it's been on a grill with that thing hasn't been on a fucking grill

like Burger King, yeah. So I'll never forget. I brought the brownies home and one afternoon I saw Lee we done like a one o'clock podcast or something and we split the fucking brownie. It was a 500 milligram brownie. We split it

and we took like a debt star. Like who would do something like this? And the next thing you know, he goes fucking home and Oh shit That was quick He goes fucking home

And I'm fucking high As a kite I am as high As a Georgia pine And I am sitting there And I'm like What the fuck is going on with me

So I'm a little lonely Whatever And I just picked up the phone And I started telling Lee Lee If the cops call You don't know nothing And I would just hang up

and then my phone would ring and I wouldn't answer it it would be Lee calling me back and I wouldn't answer and then he would leave a message what do you mean if the cops call and I would wait an hour every hour on the hour I would call him at the top of the hour and go Lee if the cops call don't answer the phone and hang up on him

and sure enough he would call right back why the cops gonna call tell me tell me I'm looking out the window I can't take it anymore I did that to him all fucking night until about one in the morning. I kept calling him. Don't fucking...

If the cops call, don't answer the fucking phone. And finally, he's like, why not? Why can't I answer the fucking phone? And I'm like, Lee, because I fucking said so. That's why, all right?

Don't answer the fucking phone. The cops are going to call cuck sucker. And he kept saying, am I going to go to jail? And I'm like, no, you're not going to go to jail. They just want to ask you a couple questions about sex and race. He's like, what's going on?

The next day I called him, I'm like, Lee, what the fuck is your problem? I'm just goofing on you. You don't know that after all these fucking years, and I'm just torturing you the death? Don't answer the phone because the cops you fuck. It never fucking ends. Like I said, man, I have stories of my head that I laugh at all day. When we're writing this fucking book, you know, there's always a story, a serious story. in every chapter,

but there's always a story that goes along with that story that happened, that's just as fucking funny as any fucking story. I mean, and we discussed it the other day, we're like, every fucking chapter has like a serious story, like my mother dying or something,

but then it goes into something else that you're like, what the fuck is he talking about? So, I love all this shit. I love, listen, man, just because I'm not doing stand-up, It doesn't mean I'm not funny anymore. I still fucking got it like a motherfucker. I was just having some problems.

It was hard for me to communicate. It was really hard for me to fucking communicate. I was having a rough fucking time of it. And, you know, getting adjusted to the new medication was rough. There was just a lot of things, you know, the move, the house. There were so many things I overlooked before I moved. I thought I had this, but I didn't have this. you know and I'm not ashamed to say I didn't have this

you know we have there's things that you're on top of and you have there's things that you don't have and this move everything that went over with this move I didn't really have it I didn't control it and now I'm in control now I feel a lot better I'm still in the 270 fucking mark you know I can't bust the 270 but I don't give a fuck I'm not looking to go to the Olympics

I'm not looking to fight in the UFC I'm not looking to do any of that shit I'm just looking to be fucking healthy right now, happy to keep doing the podcast, keep your heads together, to keep you motherfuckers happy. That's all I'm looking to fucking do right now. Nothing else. And it bothers me a little bit.

Like, I'm still like, every fucking week I'm saying to myself, I'm going to do stand-up next week. Every week I say it to myself, I'm going to do stand-up next week. I'm going to do stand-up next week. I still haven't fucking done it. And I don't miss it or anything.

One good thing I have done, and I feel a lot better since I went back is acupuncture. I went back to fucking acupuncture. It feels great, man. Some of the needles in my ear hurt the first week, you know, she even told me you're bleeding because I take the baby aspirin. I mean, all I do is cut myself and fucking, it's a gashore of fucking blood within the blood thinners and the fucking baby aspirin.

Every time I go to dentist, the dentist calls me. Don't take your medication today. I don't want you bleeding all over this motherfucker. I'm over. Yeah, the blood that comes out of me is fucking ridiculous. So, but that's it and that's that, man. I wanted to touch base for you guys on a beautiful Monday morning. I know the weekend was rough, you know.

9-11 was very fucking rough for a lot of people. Like I told you guys last week, my neighbor was involved in 9-11. And they interviewed him for the documentary on Discovery. He was in three episodes. and I watched two of them, and they were very fucking disturbing. You know, it's very disturbing for anybody. Think about walking down there. You know, one thing about me that people forget is, yeah, I'm a big Jersey guy,

but I used to be a big New York City guy. I went to grammar school in New York City. I grew up in New York City. I was around Times Square constantly. I got beat at Three Card Monty. I mean, I did everything in that fucking city. So I fucking knew it So when it went down

It kind of was a weird feeling Because it kind of bothered me Because I couldn't help You couldn't help I was 2,000 miles away I couldn't help nobody get into a train I couldn't help nobody get off the train You couldn't help you know

And now I'm here And It was a weird day You know I'm happy I had the baseball games And out of other things going on I was going to go to the 9-11 They had a little bit of little thing at the wreck yesterday for 9-11, but I got caught up with the games.

I was going to go in at least my neighbor's name is Frank Puma, a great fucking guy. You know, I was going to at least go over there and say hello, but I say hello to them every day over here. What I got to go to the park and say a lot of them for? I can just cross the street and say hello to this motherfucker over here. But I know it was rough for a lot of you used this weekend, especially a lot of East Coast people. You know, my heart goes out there. I went through the same thing.

But hey, it was 20 years ago. We're a better America now, regardless of what's going on with vaccines and mandates, you know, and we're on the upswing, man. I fucking feel it. Numbers are going down a little bit. You know, hopefully by the end, you know, I was really heartbroken because I thought the numbers

are going to go up like the way they did in Florida and California and they were going to shut the movies and stuff like this. I really wanted to see this premiere, and I really wanted to, on Patreon, I'm trying to get a movie theater to take some of the people from Patreon when the Sopranos movie comes out to Many Saints, and it looks like it's going to happen. I mean, it's the fucking 13th of the month, unless something weird happens in the next 10 or 15 fucking days,

which I don't know about, you know, it looks like it's going to happen. And so I'm excited that the many saints is going to have a premiere. And everything is looking up, guys. So thank you very much for supporting and thank you for having my back to last year. I know it's been rough, especially after eight years of the church, sticking fingers and assholes and eating stars of debt and people passing out. But listen, we had to make an adjustment.

I had to adjust to a new fucking circumstance. And I'm really proud that I was able to step up. up. It took a while, but I'm really proud I was able to step up and fucking handle my business and shit. The most important thing is football is back. It was great yesterday and that's it. You know, hopefully the numbers will go down and we'll have a decent fucking fall and my daughters, our children will be able to stay in school without fucking zooms and shit like this. And that's it and that's that. I love you, motherfuckers. I'm happy we got to start the week off on a good foot.

And we'll be back, motherfucking Wednesday with a guest this time, a little interview for you, motherfuckers. And that's it and that's that. It's Monday. I want to keep it short. I don't want to take too much of your time. I know you motherfuckers have other things on your plate. But it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive.

Go out there and fucking tackle it. You know what I'm saying? Don't take life for granted. Look at Kate. She'll tell you. Don't take life for granted. The biggest fucking gains I did in my life, they were the hardest things.

It was when my mother died and when I went to prison. But my mother's debt taught me not to take my friends or my family or people around me for granted. And doing that time in prison taught me not to take my life for granted. You don't want to be behind bars. Our parents fucked for hours for us to be fucking born and for us to do something good and negative. I'm positive.

it's not sitting in a fucking jail. I'd rather you sit at home and look at the computer than sit at fucking jail. It's not jail. So once I went to prison, I got the opportunity to never fucking take life for granted. Never take my freedom for granted. I never drank drunk and dry

because you ever fucking try walking to the fucking movie theater? It sucks. You're losing your fucking driving privileges. So all these things don't take anything for granted. If there's one thing you learn from, Kate last week is don't take life for granted. Save every fucking moment. You don't know when you're going to be hanging out

with three of your buddies, smoke a joint, one of a fucking dies. You know what I'm saying? You never fucking know anymore. Life is a motherfucker. So enjoy it. It's Monday, the 13th of fucking September. I love you, cuck suckers with all my heart.

Attack this motherfucking day. Don't take life for granted. And at the end of the day, they all suck your dick anyway. I love you, cock suck your dick anyway. I'll see you next Wednesday. Tip cop McGoo, ready to go. And now for a motherfucking word from our sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers.

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I walk around with a skunk, black and white mix over my fucking an uncircumcised dick. When I might want to make it look like a fucking model, I used a new and improved low mower, 4.0 trimmer. I could give you a bunch of marketing shit, but listen, it's skin-save technology.

Bottom line, it protects the fucking nut sack. You want to your nut sack licked, you got to keep them fucking trimmed. You understand me? You want your nut sack to smell good. That's why you got the crop preserver, the anti-shaving ball deodorant, and the crop revival.

of the ball toner. Oh my God. It smoothens out your nutsack. Your nuts look magnifique. And it's all included in the performance package. And they also have a fucking weed whacker to trim up your nose hair and ear hairs with a 9,000 RPM motor. Let me tell you some.

I'm knocking Coke rocks out of that motherfucker from 1980. Sorry about that. I put the ad in the camera. Who gives a fuck? I almost caught on fire. fucking love it. That's what it's all about. But Manscape, I'm going to throw all that into the weekend

bag and it's called the performance package. Crop Preserver, crop reviver, the 4.0 and the fucking weed wacker. And the beautiful thing about the performance package, it's now global. You get it in the USA, Canada, UK,

Europe, Australia, South Africa, and the Singapore. While you're drinking a Singapore sling after she's such your nutsack because they'll be nice and fucking smooth. I love Manscape. You know they're one of my fucking all-time favorites. I trim my nuts. I trim the hairs out of my nose. Everything with Manscape.com. So do me a favor. I'm going to get you 20% off and free worldwide shipping. Joey, what are you talking about? 20% off and free worldwide shipping. And you're sitting there

with that fucking mess between your fucking legs, you fucking stink bomb. Go to Manscape.com. Go to Manscape.com right now slash Joey. I'm giving you 20% off and free worldwide shipping. There's no reason why you should be sitting there with that stink fucking bomb between your legs. Never mind your fucking asshole, you filthy fuck. Download right now, manscape.com. Pressing Joey. Get the performance package.

You need this. You sit around all day crying that you can't find a woman. You can't find a date because you're a fucking stink bomb. That right now. the manscape.com, press Joey and get that fucking performance package and cut the shit. You want people to suck your balls, take care of your balls and keep your balls fresh with manscape.com slash joey and the performance package. I want to thank Manscape. I want to thank the hell out of public wreck. And I want to thank Draft Kings for putting money in your pocket. I'm trimming

your nutsack. I'm putting sweat pants on you. And I'm putting money in your fucking pocket. Is there anything else I can't fucking do for you, cugsuckers? I love you. Have a great fucking day. Enjoy the podcast and stay black, you bad motherfuckers. That's it. Take a hike. It's time to fucking go out there and let them know.

You're not fucking around.