The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #099 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, September 20th..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Lucy Nicotine Gum & CBD Lion.... Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $150 in Free Bets when you Bet $1 on UFC…. Bet $1 to get $200 on the NFL….. https://www.Lucy.co Get 20% OFF with PROMO CODE: JOEY Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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started it's Monday you ain't got time for chitter chatter what's happened you bad motherfuckers it's Monday September the 20th another fun-filled day here on Uncle Joey's motherfucking joint it was a great weekend I didn't do dick

I went to a couple softball games my daughter's softball games I uh watch some fucking football I bet the Rams You know, same fucking shit Now it's Monday night Tonight I got fucking Green Bay

Against Detroit I'm excited Thank God for draft kings For eliminating the boredom from my life A $25 bet And I have a great fucking time I'm a loser But sometimes I went on accident

For example, Saturday My brother was going to the Yankee game Right? So he goes, I'm going to a Yankee game At 1 o'clock I don't know who the fuck they were playing Cleveland So I wake up Fucking Saturday morning I got to go to the softball game

at 9.30. Then I got to run home Go to the bathroom and shoot back to the second game. I fucking do the first game. I run home. I check the computer. I check my emails.

I go, let me just see what the line is on the Yankee game. My brother's going. At least I have a good time thinking about them. Listen, you can't bet the fucking Yankees to that.

The Yankees are horrible. They're just fucking horrible. I've tried to watch them during a fucking week. and they're just missing something. Listen, I'm not a baseball fucking empressario, but I know when you're missing something. When I watch fucking San Francisco, that's a great team.

When I watch the Dodgers, that's a good team. You know, when I watch Milwaukee, Houston, they're good teams. The Yankees are missing something, right? So I'm like, even though I'm just betting $25, I'm not in business to throw away fucking money, you know. So I said, I can't bet the Yankees, and I can't bet fucking Cleveland, because I don't know if they're going to show up or not.

Who's going to show? With the Yankees, you never know who's going to show up. Fucking Willie Mays could show up or like Uncle Joey could show up. I can't play baseball. So I said, fuck it. The line was over on 10. Listen, if you got draft kings, do me a favor. You want to win some quick money?

I'll teach you how. Don't tell nobody you heard it here. You ready? You open up the lines for baseball. There's some inside information I'm giving you cock suckers. You open up the lines for baseball. You see who's got a heavy over. Like look at all the over and unders.

For you people who don't know gambling, over and under is the total of the game. You could bet whether it's going to go over or it's going to stay under, right? Like I'm the king of Sunday night football because I don't bet a game. I bet the total. And you go opposite of what they're thinking. So if you're going to bet too highly offensive teams, go the under. Because you've never seen a bookie with a part-time job. Everybody in their mother's going to bet that.

So you might as well bet against the fucking grain and bet against everybody's betting on. That's how you win fucking Guitus. So I can't bet Cleveland. I can't bet the fucking Yankees. I go, what am I going to do here? I looked at the over and under. It was 10.

Good, good. I fucking put 25 bucks in. Just to listen, guys, just for the excitement. I forgot that my daughter had a game. I wanted to watch the game just for a little while, just to, you know, maybe see him in the 5. fucking front bleachers, wherever the fuck he was sitting. Next thing you know, I fucking put the over in.

I forget all about it. I go to a game. I do a bunch of shit. I come home and I open at the computer. I won. I was like, holy shit. When I opened it the computer, they were winning 10 nothing. I hit the fucking the over just with the Cleveland Indians.

They hit 10 over. So I was pretty fucking excited about that. That was my weekend. That's it. I watched honeymooners Saturday night. Sunday, we went to the same. Gabriel's carnival, fucking tremendous. Listen, man, except for the fucking one guy,

there was a guy that was running a ride that had a black eye. Let me tell you something. If you're working at a kids festival and fucking, you got a black eye, it's not going to be. I remember when I was pulling my daughter in the gates and I saw his black eye, I was like, like, like, what the fuck, really? These carnival workers are getting.

I mean, they hit the rock bottom with this. There was one carnival worker with a black eye. And then I looked at the other ride, and the motherfucker was out there surrounded with 20 kids smoking a cigarette. Like, he was the world's most interesting man. I'm like, this is fucked up. And mothers were looking at him weird. I didn't say, you know, who might have said something? I just looked at him and said, Jesus Christ, you're smoking a fucking cigarette out here.

You're surrounded with 20 fucking kids. But those carnivals just get the worst fucking, you know, they get the bottom tier of fucking people. Not that I'm some fucking Nobel Prize winner, but fuck, you don't see me showing up in places with a black eye and a missing tooth. That's when you know there's been a problem the week before. Well, it could have been the night before. Who the fuck gives the shit? The one thing that happened that was pretty interesting. Saturday night, I got a call from Eddie Bravo.

I called him in the afternoon to check up on him, and he called me back Saturday night. We had a fucking great talk about shit. And it made a lot of sense because we'll get to what we're the story. he's going. You know, he checked in with me and we're bullshitting about that. Weed smells good. Jesus Christ. That's some fucking Ziki weed. That's a

Rocky Road from the Ziki family. Only at that motherfucking ice cream shop, cocksuckers. That's like 30% he'll put a fuck and he'll give you that dead eye. The end of that I smoke

some weed from Zika had the dead eye. You ever get that dead eye? Like you can't fucking shake it and shit. I had dead eye from some weed I didn't know what the fuck it was like a half of fentanyl joint or whatever the fuck it was I was fucked up my fucking had the dead eye

but anyway I was talking to Mr. Bravo my brother from another mother and I a lot of fucking shit happened this weekend to be honest with you a lot of mental shit that I had a breakthrough

I'm doing a lot better guys I feel I can't tell you where I was and I can't tell you where I am. You guys have to figure it on your own. If you have any doubts, just turn on this podcast from last October, November, December. I didn't know what was going on. My head was in my ass and my mental issues were fucking bad. I didn't know what was happening. And you know, you never want to admit your weaknesses, you know, but you have to, you have to look at your

weaknesses and go, what the fuck. How do I make my weaknesses stronger, you know? And my weaknesses on this one was the move was a lot bigger than what I anticipated. You know, I lost a lot of friends with the move. I had to break a lot of patterns. You know, my adventure with my old friends here. You know, when you have old friends for 40 years, when you take a guy like me, my loyalty takes over. And I don't remember anything but the good things they did for me,

you know, which is nothing wrong with that. And I stayed loyal to a lot of my friends here of, you know, I was a kid. A lot of you guys know that's no secret. And I stayed loyal to them because of what they had done for me growing up, but I stayed loyal to them over the years not knowing the men and women that they had became, you know. So when I got back here, I was expecting the people from 1983 and I got the evolution

of that, you know. So a lot of people changed, just like I changed. I'm not a thief anymore. These people were, whatever they were. in their lives where they were hustlers like me whatever day chains and somewhere along the line we just don't click anymore i was very sad about that but it's a part of life it's a part of that's what happens sometimes you know you can't keep all your friendships and tax you know i have a couple buddies that had mental issues that it really uh fucked with me you know like i had the mental

issues too but they had mental issues that were like accusing me or robbing something and shit like that it was like nana this is too deep you stole my picture in 1982 i can't i can't i can't deal with that that was 40 years ago i hope by now you got yourself a new picture because jesus fucking christ you know so it was one of those weekends you know i realized that uh the thing with comedy was i said goodbye at the comedy store i missed the comedy store how can i not how can i not and why should i feel bad because i missed the comedy store it was 23 years of my life, you know, take away seven. That's still fucking 16 years of your life.

What do you think is going to happen? You ever have a job for 16 fucking years and quit? It overhauls your fucking brain, you know? So it was, that was what was great about the weekend. You know, I went back to acupuncture, and that's been fucking great. She's, you know, I had to go back to what I was doing back there when I was feeling good. what happened when I got here what was taken out of my life what was

put into my life you know what was removed from my I mean all these different things I had to look at and I was like wait a second I started feeling shitty when I stopped going to acupuncture maybe I should get back to acupuncture I looked I asked around

dog I found the right lady the first time knock on wood thank you God for hooking me up with her because if you hook up with the wrong person that's a fucking nightmare she took care me the first week. This week I'm going to do a little cupping, a little kneeling, get some circulation going, you know what I'm saying? And that's what it's all about. I'm just trying to stay healthy. I'm not worried about what's going on or what's not going on or vaccine passports.

I don't give a fuck. I'm not traveling. I don't need to even think about that shit. I'm going to stick around my business and get stronger, get healthier. The book is going fucking just great. You know what's crazy that I could tell how much. I'm going to be a lot of my life changed by writing this book because I gotta be honest to you the first fucking eight chapters it gets uncomfortable to write guys I wish I could tell you that it's fun to write about your fucking life it's not you got to think back and you got to drag dogs through the mud again and it sucks dick there was mornings when I was on the phone and I'm like why am I telling this fucking story this is horrible whether it's finding my mom

or dead on the floor or fucking seeing somebody get shot. These are all horrible stories. But now I'm starting with comedy. Like we're talking about the beginning of comedy. And I could tell the difference in the chapters. I could tell that my happiness was picking up. It's been a fucking nightmare and a pleasure doing this fucking book. It joints my memory.

It brings me back to different situations. Some of them I don't want to think. about but some of them you have to look at and go fuck i learned a lot from that fucking situation you know i learned a lot so back to the conversation with eddie bravo when he called me the night i was happy to hear from him you know we were just talking he was in uh he was in kansas city on friday and that's why when i saw the picture he was doing a seminar and giving somebody a black belt i said let me give this fucking guy a call you know i had a great week all together with so many different fucking facets so i fuck it

and saw that he was in Kansas City and I go, I fucking miss Eddie, you know, just the conspiracies and all that shit. They're fucking hysterical. So I call him up in the daytime. I get no answer. He calls me back Saturday night. I think I'm watching the fucking UFC Saturday night.

No bets on the UFC. I didn't even know after fucking people. I knew Rachel Pennington. That was it. I'm getting fucking old. And we were talking, and he was saying that he was in Omaha, Nebraska. He wasn't at the Funny Bone.

he was at a different club he was at Sam they were doing their tin-four hat stuff and he was saying that you know he's happy to go up on stage that he's not expecting anything nor you know it's like me with the guitar

I love playing it because there's no expectations I'm not looking to get on HBO with the fucking guitar I'm not looking to get in the bed I can't even play the guitar standing up that's how bad I am I got to sit the fuck down

like a country folk fucking singer you know but that's what it is I'm not good, my fingers, you know, I're all everywhere, you know, but I stick with it. It's therapeutic, and I fucking enjoy it, you know. I never really hung out with a guitar player. Like, I never really hung out with a guitar player. So what Eddie was saying to me basically was that, you know, he had just gotten on stage. He opened up for Sam, and Sam was on stage killing.

He put the phone out for me to hear Sam and shit, it was great. and when I was talking to Eddie he goes you know what did I expect he goes all those years I hung out with you and Joe and Ari and Duncan and I listened and I sat back I mean I got to say I think Eddie went on the road with us for maybe three or four years this is when we had the entourage fucking tour you know it was Joe me Duncan red band Tate Eddie you You know, so when you're around it so much and you hear about it, it's like Eleanor. Eleanor was around it for so long. Once she got into it, she picked it up like nothing because she'd been around it.

She heard people complaining about it. She picked up all the idiosyncrasies of comedy. You know, that's what you have to cut through the fucking chase, you know, sometimes. Sometimes you might try comedy and it might not work out for you. But then you start talking more comedy and you get. like a different experience, you watch it more, and now when you try it again, it'll work out for you. You know, never quit, never say, well,

I'm not going to do it because it's not working out for me. But that's what he was saying. He goes, you know, it's crazy how I picked up all those things just from hanging out with you guys all those years and then watching you, going to the store and watching you. And he was always at the fucking store all those years, just watching and watching. And, you know, it's, I never even thought about it.

You know, I never even thought about it. It's like me getting a job at a fight. It's like when I worked at my mother's bar, you know, when I was a kid. It wasn't an official job. It wasn't like I had to be there from three to nine. I would just go in and there was no kids around. I would do some fucking work. But while I was there, listening to music, listening to fucking this.

This guy talking, different entertainers coming in. I would take the fucking conga drums and play. That's all part of my entertainment experience. So I had been entertaining people since the beginning of fucking time. I didn't even fucking know it. I don't even know what fucking entertainment is. So when I was talking to Eddie, it was funny because I said to him, Eddie, it's interesting that you called. And the other reason why I was thinking about Eddie is I took a private.

I finally took a fucking private. One of my friends came down. He's a brown belt and he brought some mats with him. And we went in the fucking garage. at his house and we uh fucked around a little bit and we rolled i was out of breath i almost died i was busy but i got to tell you something man i fucking miss it my legs were fucking sore my lower back was hurting but it's so weird that i hadn't done a fucking i hadn't swept anybody i hadn't had a man on top of me i hadn't been on top of anybody it's going close to 20

fucking months, 21 months. I haven't rolled or anything. Nothing. Nothing. Not a hip escape. No nothing. When I, you know, we did like stationary hip escapes where you don't fucking go down the mat. I mean, it was in the fucking garage. What was going to do? Three hip escapes and then turn around. So I did a couple of hip escapes and then we just practiced like a fucking, uh, a hip bump sweep, you know, just to get my legs going. That's why my legs are so fucking, you know, I wanted to. see how the brace worked on my right knee. I had to put two braces on there. I can't fucking kneel down. But it's so crazy how I thought I was, A, I was in really bad shape.

B, I would be really winded. And C, I wouldn't remember anything. Listen, after the first time that he swept me and my balance was off, after I got my balance again and shit on the mat, I was really impressed with what I did. I was very fucking impressed. after 20 months not remembering, not even fun. And I don't do shit.

I watch a Hajja Gracie video once a week. Some nights I'm bored, and I just watch my fucking Jiu-Jitsu Idol, Haja Gracie do his fucking thing. So it was funny. My buddy fucking helped me out. I was over there. It was like a 45-minute. We rolled like two, three-minute fucking rounds.

Nothing. I just wanted to get back going, see if I could even. Hip escape, see if I could even move on the mat. Listen, I'm no Eddie Bravo, I'm no Haja Gracie. I'm no Joe Rogan. But I have to go to Jiu-Jitsu, and I'll tell you why. I need a hobby. I don't have any fucking interest.

My wife asked me to this. She goes, can I ask you a question? I've been with you for 21 years. What are your interest? And I go, drugs. I don't know. I don't have any fucking interest. That was my weakness in the way.

life. I have no interest. Maybe you collect stamps. Maybe you collect butterflies. I don't know. Maybe you collect cars. Maybe you work on cars. I have zero fucking aptitude for anything. Zero. Do you understand me? Zero. I really want a major D job. I don't know anything about fucking wines. And I don't even want to know nothing about wines. I don't like people who drink wine. I'm sorry. I hope I don't offend nobody. You wine drinkers drive me crazy with your fucking vineyards and whatnot. But, I don't even But I'm sorry. I'm also an old man. I'm sure I drove you crazy with my refa talk and all that shit. So I get it.

But I'm not a fucking wine, dude. Wine people drive me fucking crazy. I'm not going to lie to you. Especially in New Jersey. I don't know. I was gone for 30 years. All of some people drinking wine. Where's the Bud Light?

Where's the Miller? Where's the radioactive beer here? All of a sudden, there are a bunch of wine drinkers. Now, I'm going to a vineyard in Jersey. I didn't know there was any fucking vineyards in Jersey. But I wouldn't be too fucking happy about it. drinking a fucking grape out of this motherfucker. I don't mind the tomatoes, but

you know, I'm not a wine fucking drinker, so I can't do that. I can't fucking work. You know, I could get a job with the felony. I did find that out. Like some corporation could hire me. They got second fucking chance, whatever the fuck it is for people. I'm thinking about doing

something like that. But I have zero interest. I have zero experience. And anything else, but mixing drinks, which I don't want to fucking do at my age now. I can't imagine being at a bartending, dealing with fucking drunk people at this point.

Now, I can't do that now. Listen, I would love to fucking learn how to lay brick now or whatever. I'm too fucking old. I got to carry bricks and shit. I'll die. I'm 58 fucking years old. I'm two years from fucking 60, and I'm looking to start

a new fucking career. I really am. I'm looking to do fucking something. Yeah, somewhere along the line, I'll get back on stage and I'll crack some jokes by the time we get to Phoenix. You know what I'm saying? If you're waiting for me to fucking get on stage, don't hold your fucking breath. I just don't see it. I don't see the organic in it.

You never know. I might just pop up on stage Wednesday night and tell a fucking story somewhere, but it's doubtful. Don't expect it. Right now you're all looking at your calendars. Where's it going to be? Nowhere. I'm just fucking with you guys. But it's the truth.

I don't see it fucking happening. But I got to pick up something. I got to do something else with my time. I got the podcast twice a week. I got my daughter. I take her the kickboxing. You know, I'm a fucking chauffeur all of a sudden. I take her fucking, I go to her baseball games.

I go to her events this afternoon. I'll catch up with them after school. You know, I try to do the best I fucking can. But there's something missing from my life. So I got to do something. I got to figure out a fucking gig. So I got to figure out something. I'm a little bored.

I can't lie to you people. I'm a little lonely at times. You know, I'm a little lonely at times. I'm surrounded with kids and parents. You know, I'm still a fucking savage from time to time. I still have savage fucking thoughts from time to time. So, you know, so I got to do something. So I figured the best way to get out and meet people,

you know, I don't want to meet people in a fucking bar because that's not what I want to do. I think I'm just going to join a jiu-jitsu school. So that's what I came up with my mind. I was just going to take privates with a friend of mine. But then I called my friend Alberta. Crane. A guy used to be on the podcast a lot.

He's a badass tactical fitness guy. Tick fat, whatever the fuck they call it. Tact fit. I don't fucking know. So on my days off in the gym sometimes, I actually get the clubbells

and just to work out, whatever. So I called Alberto the other day. I think it was like Thursday. I called Alberto and I'm like, so this is fate. You know what I'm saying? I called Alberta and I'm talking to him about,

you know, tick fat, my wrist, you know, he always helped me work on my wrist to open him up. So when you're in jiu-jitsu and you're on your back, you want to frame up or whatever you want to get up and put this hand down to do a hip bump or whatever, hip-bum sweep, whatever the fuck they call. I'm sorry for you jih Tzu people that are watching it and you're like, what the fuck's he talking about? You know, the hip bump when I grab the arm and I'm trying to bump him that way from a close guard. so I called them just to see what type of exercises, whatever. And we were talking. He goes, listen, can I call you back?

I'm getting ready for the Rose Gracie fucking seminar. And I'm like, Rose Gracie. Rose Gracie has a school close to my fucking house. Are you fucking serious? So he goes, yeah, Rose Gracie. See, I go, he goes, do you want me to talk to me for you? I go, well, I'm going to do privates with this other guy just until I get my bearings back, you know, I'm going to start again this Wednesday,

but I love to fucking join Rose's fucking school. So I guess I'm going to fucking go to Rose's school in Old Bridge. You know, not right now. I'm going to just do a couple more privates the next couple weeks, getting my footing under me, you know, Tuesday, one day I got weights, Tuesday I got acupuncture, Wednesday I got my private, Thursday I got dick, Friday I got one. weights again. I try to lift twice and then Saturday and Sunday, fuck around the garage and I hit

the bag. But again, that's something I do by myself. I got to figure out something I can do with, listen, man, when you join Jiu-Jitsu, I'm going to tell you something. My good, good friends in L.A., the people I miss the most in L.A. are all Jiu-Jitsu people. From Matt Baker to Brett over at Subconscious to Alberto Crane. You know, yeah, I miss a lot of my comedy friends. but I miss a lot of my Jiu-Jitsu buddies in L.A. Jiu-Jitsu was very fucking good to me. I don't know if you guys have ever even gone to a Jiu-Jitsu gym, whatever, if you have a bored or tired

or whatever the fuck you are, if you're looking for something to do, I'll tell you, man. When I joined Jiu-Jitsu, the benefits for me of Jiu-Jitsu, the real benefit, was pulling me away from the Hollywood mentality. That stupid fucking Hollywood mentality you guys see and shit like that.

I was a comic, but I wasn't involved in the comedy mentality. I was hanging out with jujitsu guys. You know, when I would go to breakfasts and stuff, I would see bread a lot. I would see Alberto a lot. I would see Joey Alvarado a lot. I would see a guy. I used to do jujitsu with Nick Papadakis, that he does the sticks. He's a black belt and the sticks.

He trains with the dog brothers and all that shit. I was friends with him. I spoke to these guys. These guys kept my powder dry. Comedians were my friends. But the jih Tzu guys, John Salami, Ricky Rocket from Poison, these were all my jih Tzu friends, you know. I mean, when I was with Ricky Rocket,

we wouldn't even talk about fucking music or poison or Brett Michaels or why he wore the bandana. We didn't talk about any of that shit. We talked about fucking. jujitsu like you know and i enjoyed it you know i used to talk to i still talk to hegan on the phone from time to time so for the last fucking year i've been sitting here doing nothing with my time staring at two geese that are in the closet you know i had like 22 fucking geese people give me gis i gave a bunch of them away i kept the machado gey that my cousin gave me and i kept

my subconscious gie out of respect for fucking brett and i also kept all my alberto crane stuff I love them with all my heart also. But that's going to be the fucking key for me, I think, is for me to join a jihitsu school, maybe go twice to start off with, do weights twice a week, and do jiu-jitsu twice a week. You can't fucking beat that, you know?

So I was really in fucking shock on how well I did, and I have a plan now. And I'm happy you guys got to witness it. You know, you always hear stories about people, like, oh, he did this, he did that, no. On this situation, you guys witnessed me making this comeback, me going back to fucking speaking correctly, being funny, having a look on my face. You know, yeah, I got healthy over the year and I quit the refund. I came back to it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But what really fucking happened? That's what happened. The move destroyed me. You know, the fucking, the comedy store destroyed me. You know, I'm happy that I nailed these things down. For a long period of time, I was walking around knowing something was bothering me. But I didn't know what the fuck was bothering me. I had no fucking idea.

Now I knew it was bothering me. It was basically rediscovering new friends, fucking, you know, to move, you know, no more cryal therapy. Like, I was left with my dick in my fucking hand. Like I had this full fucking day, seven days a week in L.A. And also when I moved to Jersey and I had to restart again, a little by little. And I'm happy. Listen, it took me a fucking while between the anxiety, my fucking teeth, my knee hurting. You know, I ran into a fucking wall of injuries, which happens from time to time.

You know, I didn't let myself go under. I was a little depressed at times, but, you know, the weights pulled me out. my daughter pulled me out I'm grateful for her that you know whatever the little depression I was going through at the time

I would look at her and go how can I be fucking depressed I got the world by the fucking balls you know and that's the main thing you know you have to really like yeah

like Saturday for example you know Saturday I we had the baseball game and then I came home the Yankees and then my daughter played the two games. Then after that, I went on my merry way, and they went on their merry way. You know, they wanted to go to the carnival, a bunch of little girls went.

And I was alone. I was alone for maybe four hours. Me and my wife decided, don't worry about dinner. I'm on my own tonight. I went over and got a nice little pastrami sandwich and a nice knish from my Jewish friends. They hooked me up when I'm fucking lonely. I ate a little sour fucking peasant. Tremendous little water, no chips, no nothing like that.

I'm still watching my weight. And I came home and I was like, you know what, man? I'm fucking lonely. I'm alone, you know. And I was like, but wait a second. See, this is where I've changed and this is going to help you guys at home too. Because this is what we never fucking do. And I started doing it when I moved here because I started hearing people complaining.

They're complaining about Jersey. And I'm like, time out, bitch. I just came from fucking California. You got something to say about government Murphy? I ain't going to fight with you. But why don't I give you a fucking plane ticket to California? And you could go hang out with Newsom for a couple weeks. And then get back to me, bitch.

Then get back to me, bitch. You know, that was my big thing. Like, I don't like, you know, we don't ever see the big picture. Me included. I am the biggest fucking guilty fuck around this. But yesterday for the first time I've been doing it since I moved here Like people say something and I go

You know Oh this pizza was cold today Obviously you haven't been to California Where the pizza sucks fucking everywhere Even if the pizza's cold here At least I have some flavor to it I'm not tasting fucking mozzarella cheese That's not even real mozzarella

fucking cheese It's like mozzarella fucking goat cheese Or some shit So I'm grateful for watching in front of me. Me doing those grateful things. What we were talking about the other day with Catherine Narducci,

which was a great podcast, and it also brought me back to smelling the grass and having this talk with you guys was being grateful for what you have right now. So yesterday, yes, I was a little bored. I was thinking Saturday, I was like, maybe I'll go see the accountant.

I was going to go see the black crows. I called a friend of mine. When my wife was gone, I go, fuck, I'm close to the PNC Center. why don't I just go see the Black Crows Jimmy Florentine said I can pick up fucking lawn tickets for 20 bucks they're doing the concert

from cover to cover the first album which is a great fucking album Hot the handle whatever the fuck And I'll hang out I call my buddy guy He couldn't do it I must have called like three people They couldn't fucking do it so I said

You know Mike lives in Philly He would have fucking done Shut up I'll come anywhere Really? Fuck yeah You just got to call You would have gone to the concert? Yeah.

I thought you had plans of your family. That's why I didn't call. It would be cool, but yeah. Yes, it was like a 7.30 show. It's 20 minutes from my house. I don't think it all the way to MetLife. It's easy. You could park.

You're out of there in 10 minutes. Somebody told me it took them 30 fucking minutes to get out of the Middlelands. The night of Guns and Roses an hour and a half or something, 30 minutes. An hour and a half. I can't deal with that shit. I would have a fucking heart attack. So, you know, but I couldn't find anybody, like in time. I didn't think about it to, I know why I didn't call you,

because I didn't think about it until late. I had forgotten. My wife was gone. My wife left at Lake 4, and I'm sitting here. I ran some errands. I had to go to the supermarket. I had to go to pharmacy. I ran some errands.

I'm like, maybe I should go see the fucking black crows tonight. The black crows are fucking hot, and something's going on. They need money. They sound fucking good. So I think the two brothers got back together. Remember, they didn't talk to each other for a long time. Things are bad all over. COVID's a motherfucker.

Cocaine is a bitch. So, fucking, they're talking, they're fucking jumping up and down. They're skipping rope. They're going on walks. Everything's fine. When you're low on cash, you get along with a motherfucker real fucking fast to get your chicken cutlet fix. So I got you, dog.

So I was going to go see the fucking black crows. I was like, man, I couldn't find nobody go see the black crows. And I got depressed for one minute. For one second, I go, I got no fucking friends. I go, whoa, I'm feeling a lot better. I brought myself back from the fucking crypt. Because I was in a fucking crypt, guys. I really was.

I'll never forget when my friend Brian came over here. He was managing me for a while. And he came downstairs when I was recovering from the fucking knee surgery. And we were talking, you know, man to man. I love Brian. It's like the way I talk to Mike or the way I talk to Lee And I looked at him like oh there's nothing I really want to do He was talking about all these big plans

Well we'll start this tour and this and I'm like It's not happening guy Well don't you want to do this? Not really don't you want to do this not really And that's when I realized I had the beginning of a fucking depression I called Ari you know Ari had gone through it before And I'm like something's going on with me I don't fucking feel right you know and the best advice he told me was the gratitude thing with Steve Simone. Just wake up in the morning, tell yourself five things you're grateful for.

And I'll tell you what, man, I've been doing them ever since I talked to you guys about it on the fucking podcast. And it's worked fucking miracles, man. I mean, when I first started this podcast, Mike, if I had to describe it to you guys, my insides were like cloudy, dark clouds. you've seen dark clouds outside that's what it felt like those puffy ones that's how i felt like man i and i was getting up out of bed i was shower and i was wearing i was doing what i had to do i just was not feeling i didn't have control of my thoughts uh it was just horrible so compared to how i felt to compare to how i feel now it's a million fucking dollars and i'm

very grateful that i fucking did it and i walked a walk and i journaled and i did and i did it and i walked a walk and I journaled and I did what I had to fucking do. You know, I have no fucking regrets about comedy or anything. Let me tell you something. Two nights ago, three nights ago, I was waiting for my wife to come downstairs, and I was just scrolling through the TV. And I hate to talk about it again,

but the Rick James documentary was on. And it was starting from the beginning. And I watched the first, I don't know, 30 minutes. My wife even said, I didn't watch this part. Let me watch it with you. And we were watching the first 30 minutes of it. And there's one thing I'm very grateful for that I did in my comedy career that a lot of people don't do and they can't really look in and say that they did was I really put the work in. One thing that I realized about Rick James when I watched that documentary, why I enjoyed it so much, why I pushed it on you guys, you know, was because I related to that documentary in so many ways.

I related to him being a criminal at times. I related to him running numbers when he was a kid. You know, I did that. I related to when they called them a survivor because I was a survivor at times, you know. When I first got to LA 97, I wasn't making no money as a comic. If you want me to lie to you and tell you the truth,

I was getting, you know, like when you get algorithms, like I was getting big burst of money and then nothing for six months. Big burst of money, and then nothing for six months. I had booked like a commercial shit like that. But when I went on those downends, guys, I'm not going to lie to you, I sold Coke. That was what I did. I sold, I did whatever I had to do to pay the rent, not to let my wife down, not to let my friends down.

They didn't know. Rogan didn't know. Red Band didn't know. A lot of people didn't know. These were deals I was cutting in the side. I still remember selling an agent to pound the weed. Like every week, he was my agent like in 99, 2000, 2001. His name was Greg, a real fucking slimy fuck.

I was selling him a pound of fucking weed. And I swear to God, I still remember pulling away and going, where the cops? Like, where's the undercover fucking cops? Where are they the fucking, where the fuck are they, to fucking arrest me. I mean, I was doing some wild shit from 97 to 2000, 2001.

Whatever I had to do, to pay the fucking bills. It didn't matter to me. You know, I sold Coke. I sold pot. You know, I did a lot of fucking shit, you know, and that was what it was. When I started comedy in 91, I wasn't working.

After, you know, I divorced my wife. I lost my wife. job is a roofer. What the fuck do you think I was doing? Yeah, I have a host at a car wash. I delivered Chinese food, which I'm thinking of doing again. I went to get some Chinese food the other night and they're looking for a part-time driver.

And I asked the lady, just not to let her know that I'm a loser. I go, hey, I have a nephew that's looking to drive. What nights do you need a driver? She said like three nights a week. I got the deliveries all around here. She goes, yeah, pretty much. I go, all right. So I'm going to go again

maybe Tuesday. If the signs still up. I'm gonna fucking apply. I got a clean license. I just need something a couple hours a night just to get me out of the house, just to giggle a little with people. I would love to see people's faces when they open up their front door. It's me delivering their fucking Chinese food. You know what I'm saying? I'll bring some fucking refuel with me, give them a little bud, you know, take this with here. Thank you for ordering Chinese food from Uncle Joey. That's why I want to major D because I told the warm restaurant. I go, listen, I'll, I'll tweet that shit. I'll tweet that shit

But I'm Major D in here I have people in this motherfucker every night I'll be doing five minutes a night In the middle The guy's like well you have no wine experience Well what am I gonna do Like it looks like I'm not gonna be a fucking Major D But that's the

The main thing that I enjoy That I'm really proud of There's something that's really I think that's made me Different than a lot of the people I was hanging out with And not in a bad way and I'm not saying that a lot of them didn't do this. I could tell you a lot of people who I saw them,

I saw with my own eyes, bust their fucking hump. The biggest one being Bill Burr. Bill Burr's a hard worker. I knew Bill from 97, man, and that dude worked. Bill is where he's at because of his work ethic. You know, Rogan's got a tremendous work ethic, you know. So many people have had a great work ethic.

But I'm going to tell you something. Part of my success, part of my happiness today. It's like Sinatra said, I did it my fucking way. After watching that Rick James Doc again the other day, you know what I thought of? I thought of all the things I had done. I'd done voiceovers.

I've created shows. I've done stand-up. I'm a storyteller. I've done television. I did fucking General Hospital. Can you fucking people believe Uncle Joey did? Uncle Joey the general fucking hospital. You're like Joey, come on.

Stop pulling my leg. That's right, bitch. Benjamin Brot, Noah, fucking Drake. What's his name? Jesse's girl? That good-looking dude. What's the fucking, the guy who molested a bunch of chicks from fucking, he was in every fucking TV show,

and now he got in trouble. He had an acting class. Him and the pot smokers. Did the Pineapple Express? Oh, Danny Masters? No, that's the 60s. Oh, that's a little shit. That motherfucker's going to jail for rape.

Yeah. I know you're talking about it. Well, those dudes, what were I talking about anyway? I forget now. I don't fucking know. We're going back to the old days when I used to get so high. I can't remember nothing, but I didn't get high today. I can't get high in the daytime.

Holy fuck. I tried it two weeks ago. not do it. It's over. But my nighttime eyes, oh my God, I got so stone last night. I had to go in the garbage Saturday night and take the half canish that I threw away out of the garbage. That's when you know your fucking stone, my friends. I told you Saturday night my wife went to the fucking thing and I had four hours alone. I go, you know what? I'm going to go eat dinner with the fucking Jews. I got a pastrami and I said, let me get a connect. I'm not going to eat the whole fucking thing.

I usually eat half, and I put a half away from my wife. I said, you know what? I don't want the rest of the canish. It was fucking good. Sometimes when something's too good, I just throw it away because I know I'm going to fucking finish the whole thing. And the canish is like 10 points. I didn't have 10 points left.

So I only ate half of it. Sorry, Charlie. Saturday night, I got so fucking stoned. I had to go upstairs to the kitchen, go in the garbage, and I'm like, please tell me I put that. the Kinnish back in the container. Because sometimes I just throw them back in the bag. I actually put it back in the container.

And then I fucking threw it in the bag. Thank God. I went in that garbage. I took the container. The Kanish was cut right and half perfectly. I put it in the Nuka for three minutes, not even three, 10 seconds. And I put a little fucking brown mustard on it. I slept like a fucking baby.

You understand me? That fucking Kanish had value in it like a motherfucker. That's why I love the juice. memories of Auschwitz. They don't fuck around, Jack. You can't sleep. We've fucking, we got the recipe for you, Cuck, sucker. But anyway, I don't know what the fuck I was talking about.

It's fucking Monday. It's a beautiful day to be alive. We have a great fucking week coming up. Laughing gas is back, bitch. Un fucking real. They're back. They're fucking selling. And we're going to go into some new stores in San Diego and shit.

if you have a motherfucking dispensary and you want Uncle Joey's authentic, real laughing gas in there from the ice cream shop. Contact the ice cream shop. They will put it in there, and they will also put you on my personal laughing gas fucking Instagram page for everybody to see. And I will mention you motherfuckers weekly on the podcast,

let people know where my weed is at. So attention, San Diego, within about two to three weeks, you'll have laughing gas there. You won't have to fucking get the roller skates on and go up to Studio City, all right? Cocksuckers, you know, Uncle Joey's taking care of you. Wednesday night is the premiere

of the motherfucking many saints in Newark. I'm very excited. You know, a couple of my friends bought tickets. You know, they're paying all the dough to go to the movie. it's a shame we can't sit together. I mean, they're only giving me two tickets. You know how that goes, people.

Especially now with COVID, they're scared that, but it's okay. They're going to charge everybody else to go in there. So it's going to be a brain fuck, but I don't give a fuck. I'm looking forward to it. You know, man, after the last week's episode with Catherine,

I realized what this hall was. This was it for me. This was, you know, I've shot three, three things since I shot the Sopranos. And I'm happy I shot him, but I'm kind of not. Because I really wanted to end everything with the many saints in Newark. Just for me.

Just for me to say, after that I bowed out. But it's too late now. I did The Apple Show. I did Greg Garcia's show, Sprung. And it's, I don't give a fuck. It's work. I got to keep fucking working. But I'm very proud of this movie, guys.

And I'm very proud I was in it. and all that hard work I did in the beginning, you know, like I was telling you guys, when you look at somebody's history, you know, like when I was telling you guys about Rick James, working with Emerson Lake and Palmer, the guy Robert Palmer, and he worked with Neil Young, and he knew the guys from the band, Robbie Robertson, and all those guys. He also knew the chick, I forget what her name is. He was friends with her, a Canadian girl, Joni Mitchell, you know, You know, he had done, you know, it reminds me of me in Seattle with Josh Wolf and Brody and Tainanoo and fucking, you know, Mitch Headberg and all those guys up there, you know.

That little, you know, me and Mike always talk about open mic, open mics for musicians, you know. It's so important. It's so important. It's like daycare for a toddler. You know, like when your kid, seriously, you know, when your kid hits two, you're like, fuck, we got to get him some social fucking skills. He has to learn how to share. You know, yeah, he's got a cousin, but the cousins half fucking retarded. You can leave him with the cousin half the day, but that don't work.

His aunt's a fucking retard. The uncle's an alcoholic. Whatever the fuck. It's the same thing with comedy. Yeah, you should be in a comedy club, but you should also be, you know, at bars. doing comedy at the lowest fucking levels that on the way home you're like i can't believe i was in there what is going on with my fucking life you know that that's how you should feel but that's okay you have to at least you could tell somebody i played it listen how bad did i feel when i used

to do the bus rides you had to get on a disdine bus from fucking sea caucus new jersey to port authority in New York and do stupid fucking jokes for people. How bad would I fucking feel? Do you have any fucking idea how bad I would feel? I'd feel pretty fucking shitty because I was getting paid to eat a bag of dicks. I get it. But you're not eating a bag of dicks. You're gaining experience. So when you go on to do other things and somebody hires you, you don't make a fucking jerk out of yourself 10 years later. I'm as experienced as it gets. And I am very proud of that. It's like when you read

about somebody like Prince that played every instrument on a fucking song. Like he played every instrument on a fucking song. That's putting in the fucking work. That means he did it. I'm gonna tell you who else does that. As crazy as he is, when he makes

his music, Eddie Bravo plays every fucking instrument. The drums, the piano, the fucking skin flute, whatever the fuck you got, Eddie's playing. You know? And that was me. I'm very proud of that when it comes to me.

That I did it all. I dove in there. You know, I remember doing Marin. I'll never forget when Marin called me and he goes, I have an episode for you, blah, blah, blah, blah. To me, it was going to be like, you know, I learned my lines, whatever. But as I was shooting it, the way I dove into the character, when I got in my car and drove away,

if you don't think I was blown away fucking impressed, you got another thing coming. I was fucking blown away. I'm like, where did this come from? Oh, the three years acting class. I'm exaggerating. I didn't go to acting class for three years. I went to acting classes for like five months.

You know, the fucking five months acting classes. Plus, yeah, if you look at my IMDB, there's 50 fucking movies on there. But guess what? I didn't learn shit on those fucking movies. I'm lying to you. I learned the shit on all the fucking college. movies I did, which you guys will never see and never get to see.

I must have done 25 college fucking films, and guess what? All of them sucked. I don't have a reel from that one of them. How many short films that I do? I had to be fucking 20, 20, 30 short films. You know how many of those reals I have? I don't want nobody to see that shit. That shit was terrible, but I was in the process of learning.

And I didn't even fucking know it. I was getting frustrated, but there was no reason to get frustrated. I was gaining experience, and that's what God is here today. All that experience put into one. And I even use it towards the podcast at times. There's times I do things and I go, where did I fucking learn that? Oh, episode three or fucking whatever. My name is Earl.

You know, that's where I get my fucking chops from. And I'm very fucking proud of that. That's one thing I've always been fucking proud of, man, that I put in the work and nobody could ever take that away from me. So if you get anything from this podcast on a Monday morning, what I was trying to say in this podcast that I couldn't was that put in the fucking work. You know, never mind the universal take care

and all those cliche terms I use. Never mind that. Put the fucking work in. There's a guy on my Instagram, my Patreon. His name is John. every week this guy is doing something different and I admire him like this week he did something like he was a warm-up at a fucking college fucking football game you know last week he did a short film the week before that he worked a fucking theater play the week before that he did a commercial

you know he's probably making peanuts he's probably all nine union stuff son of it being saggies in oklahoma i guess Oklahoma uh... put up tax breaks and they're going crazy down there with shit. But one thing I admire about this John character is that he's not too good to do anything. I had a conversation with a friend of mine before the pandemic two years ago. And I asked him, why didn't he go to that audition? He's a young comic, always wanted to be gung-ho. I want to do this.

So I asked him one day, go, you got that audition, didn't you go? And he goes, nah, I didn't want to go? because I didn't want to be known for being a fat guy. I didn't want to be known for being a fat guy either. I ended up losing the weight. But when I got into this, I was the fat guy. You take your shirt off, you let your tities go up and down. People see their hair on your nipples.

That's all a part of it. Don't be embarrassed. When people laugh at you, laugh at them. Go, A, number one, you didn't have the balls to do it. And number two, I got something that you don't have. And that's experienced from doing it. I did all that shit. Look at the first Joe Rogan CD.

Ain't I in there, topless, with my balls hanging out? I did it all. You cannot, dog, half years didn't know I did a soap opera. Half years had no idea. I did industrial videos in Seattle. You know what industrial is? When some guy's talking and you're in the back, make them believe you're moving boxes for UPS. Me and Josh Wolf on a fucking Saturday morning, one hour shoots for fucking $125.

and you got to wait three months for the fucking check. Do it all. If you're going to be a fireman, learn everything there is to be a fire. Light of fire. You even light of fire? Go burn a house down. Learn. You have to know these things inside and out.

You have to be confidence. You can put me in any situation and I can be confident. The other day some lady came up to me at the gym. She goes, hey man, I'm a cop. I need a big favor from you. I need for you to make a video for a, We do this thing. And I go, do you want me to do it at home?

She goes, you could do it at home and then send it to me. I go, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Tell me what the saying. We'll do it right now. And she looked at me weird. She goes, here? And I go, yeah, right here. I turned her around.

I went against the wall. I go, tell me what I need to say. She told me. And I just fucking blurted out, this two-minute video for the police. And she's like, I go, thank you. Cut. And she cut it. And she goes, how did you do that?

She goes, I usually have to prepare for like two or three days and write stuff down. I made like some stupid remark to her like, you know, where you think you're dealing with joy bananas. But when I got in the car, I go, how did I do that? 30 fucking years of experience, 30 years of, you know what it's like to go see a comic? How many times I went to see Ralphie Mayne? He's like, you're doing 10 minutes? And you don't even have it in your mind that you're going to do a set.

and now you're about to go up on stage in two minutes you got to do some quick fucking thinking so all those things I thought were douchey to me and all that they all coming later on and help you so whatever you're going to dive into this week just remember one thing put all your heart into it you know listen

I'm a hobbyist guitar player I play a few fucking chords I'm not looking to go to open mics or nothing I'm embarrassed But if this was going to be my life, I'd spend my hours taking the strings off and putting them back on. You know, I'd do all that shit because I want to know the insides and out of what I'm doing. That's what I did with comedy. That's what I did with acting.

That's what I did with writing. That's what I did with, you know, podcasting. That's what I did with storytelling. And I got the most out of it. And that's why today I consider myself like a choral belt. Like Eddie said to me yesterday He goes, you're a fucking choral belt, you and Joe. And it's a compliment.

It makes me blush a little bit to say it. But I got to go back to what Catherine Narducci said. It's the fucking truth. I'm a fucking choral belt. So I'm going to, this is what the fuck I do. So the message for the week is, whatever you decide to dive into, dive into it 159 fucking percent,

whether it's the guitar, because it doesn't matter. You're just getting that dude that you think is ripping you off. Well, he's only giving me $50 for the gig. Yeah, but you're learning something. And three years from now, when you put that bitch out of fucking business, that's what you're going to do. You're going to put him out of business with all the things you learned from all the different people

because you had all these different fucking experiences. So don't worry about who's ripping you off. Think about how you're going to rip them off with your confidence. When you're around the UFC fighter, one thing I've always noticed about fighters, the first time, the first time I really noticed it was around BJ Penn. I was busting his balls and he did not get mad. Why? Because he was overconfident.

He could blow on me and I could fucking die, BJ Penn. That's how tough that motherfucker is. But anyway, that's the Monday morning fucking podcast. That's today as Uncle Joey's joint. I hope you enjoyed the message. and I hope you got something out of it. I'm always learning something from it. Like I said, last Wednesday's podcast was one of the best podcasts I've been involved in.

It was a fucking, it was a podcast I needed. I needed to hear that from somebody else. So I appreciate it. If you haven't watched it, go back and watch Catherine Narducci. Do not forget Laughing Gas is stocked back at Ice Cream Shop. And the Many Saints in Newark will be out on October 1st. I will be putting a screening together for my high-tier Patreon people. I am going to hear something.

They would not give me the first week of October because obviously they want all the fucking dough. So they offer me a weekday, which a lot of years will be can't go. So I'm trying to get it for a fucking Sunday. So you could all make it. And I'll keep your motherfuckers posted. That's it. And that's that. Thank you for watching Uncle Joey's joint.

And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, cock suckers. Thank you very much for listening to the podcast today. I'm good today. I was good. And so were you, motherfuckers. It's Monday morning. I want you to fucking look at the week and say you're going to suck my dick this week.

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