The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 10/08/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #15

Episode Date: October 10, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about fake people, being upfront with people and what Joey thinks people should know when looking for a new car. Joey's friend from North Bergen, Guy, calls in and talks about music and growing up in North Bergen. Live Streamed on October 8, 2012

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Oh, shit. It's Monday, motherfucking morning. We're back like herpes. Great to be here. Joey Diaz, the church of what's happening. Now my main man, Lee Boom Boom, Syatt,

aka the Flying Jew, and he put the music on Lee. Let him hear some fucking Tony. Bennett on a Monday more. That's what's all happening. A lot of you motherfuckers are thinking that, Joey, we're young. Why are we listening to this old fuck Tony Bennett? I'll tell you why, cocksucker. Lee said to tell you, so I'll tell you.

When I was a kid, my mother, whatever, she'd start the fucking bar. Every day. Every day, the first song she played was this while she was cleaning. She played out of respect for my father who was dead, so I try to do the same. You know what I'm saying? Not every fucking day, just on Monday.

Because you want to be around, bitches. All right, Lee, what's happening? Not much, buddy. I had a great weekend. I saw Al Magical, the Ice House, and it was a... I've always loved comedy, and it was great seeing him, and Kevin Christie was there, and it was a great weekend. But you had a great weekend in Arizona, right? Four fucking shows. I was in and out of there, Southwest Airlines. They dropped me off like a fucking parachute over Arizona. I did two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. It was great. I had a great time.

Thank you for you fucking savages that came out. A couple of people came out and gave me their hand and said that they really enjoyed what we were doing. at the flying juice. Somebody gave me a bag of of weed for you. Yeah, thank you very much. Yeah, so I didn't bring it back from Arizona. Somebody gave me that at the other night at the Ice House for you. It was great. You know, the first night was me myself, Ari, Joe,

and Red Band, and the other night we switched up with Brendan Walsh. And last night they stayed, I got to fucking take a trip today, so what do you call that shit? I came in yesterday. I had the Lord's Day with my wife. Watch fucking Dexter, tremendous. I've never gotten into that. You like that show?

Yeah, I've been watching this is season one. Last year was a little fucking weird, but they're trying to make a comeback this year, you know? Last week was a weird week for me in a sense of... I had controversy around me last week. Really? Yeah, a lot of fucking drama last week. You know, I was shooting this commercial, and I got this fat ball under my chin with there popping out on the fucking 23rd. You know, they took half of it out on my chin.

That's why I got a band-aid on there. Okay. So it fell off because I was sweating. So, you know, when you work on movies, all these things, the commercials, they give titles to people. This whole country, they give titles to people. So these people think that they're fucking, you know, it's like today a fucking kid got hit by a car or something somewhere

and some doctors save its fucking life. But us as Americans, we don't want to give a fuck about that. We give a fuck about whatever Brad Pitt did or Kim Kardashian did. Like, their life is more interesting to us. Fuck the guy who saves some kid who had stomach cancer or something like that. somebody who got their head knocked off in a fucking car accident those people don't matter in this country

what matters is all these fucking celebrities and everybody with no fucking opinion and it's so weird that we don't give credit to the people that really fucking matter so you know like on movie sets I mean people cut themselves or whatever you just can't call the guy a fucking nurse they gotta call him a medic

like it's fucking Vietnam and he's coming in with missiles coming into some shit you know so the bandaid falls off this fucking guy look a Band-aid falls off. All you got to do is come over, wipe it, give him another fucking band-aid, and that's it. Leave. It took this guy fucking 20 minutes to come over.

He came all with all these things. I see a tube of crazy glue. I go to him, what's a crazy glue for? He goes, it's going to stick? I go, bro, just give me the fucking Band-Aid. You know, it was 20 minutes. They're holding. They're waiting.

You know, he was just trying to make his job bigger than what it was. Like, he could have all been handled with a fucking Band-Aid, but this Mo Moe had a show up with like gores and Q-tips and all this shit with his gloves on I mean you know people are such fucking waspy fuck sometimes and these are really pissed me off you had one of those

little fucking hats on like Sinatra and he didn't look like Sinatra The medicate had one of those hats Yeah let me tell you something when I see a guy With a fucking hat You're telling me that you took time to leave the house So you put a hat on because you think it's cute Or for your dumb fucking Momo girlfriend

thought it was fucking cute Because that's the only reason a guy would put on a little hat like that like a magician. Like he looks like a fucking fat slash with a hat on like that like to think you're fucking cute. Because women come up to you and go, oh my God, the hat. Fuck those dumb fucking bitches. Don't wear those hats.

Guys, real motherfucking guys, look at you guys with those little hats on and we know you're a fucking fake. You might as well put cologne on and put an iPhone on your arm and walk around with two things. He might as well get a pit bull to while you're at and be a fucking mutt. You know, I got nothing against pit bulls, but you can always tell a guy.

You know, he has like the guy that we kidnapped had Vela with the biker yeah he had the whole man attention package from the fucking car with the tinted windows and the loud stereo to the motorcycle to the pit bull to the tattoo the whole fucking attention package so you know he comes over and he's like I mean this guy cut three times to get a fucking band-aid and finally Lee I couldn't take him on when I go hey do me a favor just give me a fucking bandit he looked at me goes that's not nice I go because you're fucking here 30 minutes guy you could have just give me a bandit

and got this over with that wasn't nice go fucking get your bandaid bro go home and get your shine box go home and get your fucking bandaid so he comes back gives him a bandit shit I'm sorry but you're holding

production for no fucking reason what's all the fucking drama he gets paid by the guy oh yeah he wanted just to make a production to let people know he was working oh my god it's so fucking fake and then the other day what the fuck happened the other day had a beef with somebody

at the airport no the airport was yesterday The fucking airport, I get to the airport yesterday, I got this priority pass on Southwest. I paid the extra 10 fucking bucks to go through the line. So what you do is you pay for the fucking early bird boarding, but you go through the priority line. If they say to you, you're not priority, what are going to do, throw you out and make you walk out? They let you go through. It's the oldest fucking trick in the book, you fucking mom. I'd be too nervous to do that.

No, what's to be nervous? You don't know. The problem with life is everybody's too fucking smart. But when you go to an airport, there's little things you can buy when you fly that'll help you get ahead. Let's say they have JetBlue. They have priority boarding and they have the bigger seats. So for $69, you get bigger seats, right? Right there, that qualifies you priority boarding.

They don't know that. In my mind, I just pay $69. And that's what should be in your mind, you dumb motherfuckers. And you go right up. And what are they going to say, a Southwest or any other hell? No, you didn't pay for this, get back on the line. No, they're going to run you through, you fucking dummies. Yeah?

They're going to run you fucking through. You know, I fly American Airlines. I'm not better than you guys. I fly American Airlines all the time, so I get these fucking points. You know, so sometimes I upgrade to business, but I'll still go on the first class line. Yeah, why not? Why are you here? Business.

You're not supposed to be here. Next time, don't be here. We'll run you through this time. I got through. That's all that fucking mattered. That's all that fucking matters. So if you're flying, buy the packages and then play stupid. You don't know nothing.

You don't know nothing. Those are the fucking best words you could ever use in your fucking life. I don't know nothing. It will never get you in trouble. You didn't claim liability. You didn't do fucking dick. I don't know nothing. So that's actually probably smart because I was thinking, well, why even buy the package?

But when you buy the package, you at least have a little bit of like, oh, I bought this. I thought I got in here. It's not like you're trying to sneak in without having anything. There you go. You're a fucking genius. And if they tell you no, you're not supposed to come in here, they're not going to throw you out. They're going to say next time. And guess what you're doing next time?

You're doing the same fucking thing. You're doing the same motherfucking thing, dog. So I have this priority boarding. I go to Southwest yesterday. It's a 740, it's an 840 flight. The place is fucking empty. You know, but it's funny because I see him walking to a priority line. He's a guy on the phone.

You know, he had to be about 48, 49. But he thought he was 20. He had the whole I'm 20 outfit on, which is more fucking embarrassing than anything. I'm fucking 50. I dress like I'm fucking 50. Get it together, all right? I go behind him in the parlorine line.

And I see that he's walking, taking his time. You know, like he's on the phone with his girl, like whoever's important to him at the fucking time. So even when he gave the lady his ID, he put like the phone down. And then once he got through, so listen to the story. Once he gets through, he gives a card.

He goes through this line that's completely wide open. There's not a soul on this fucking line. Not a fucking soul. So now you have to, it's two. She looks at one side, then she looks at the other side. Yeah. She looks at one side, she looks at the other side. She went to the other fucking side, and she let a couple come through.

Then she looked at me and I went through. So the couple is in front of me. Okay. Okay, the couple goes, no, no, no, you go. They see me to go, you go, because she has to get undressed. She had like a fucking, you know, these fucking women. They travel with a thousand things. Yeah.

So I got on the line. The guy's in the back of the fucking line where you get the two cases to load your stuff and he's in the back and we're right there and he's taking this fucking timely. Now it's me, the couple, this other couple comes behind me,

this other fucking old man comes behind me. We're all standing on this fucking line waiting this guy's on the phone, taking his shirt off. He turns Lee and he fucking sees us. He sees us Lee, you know? Yeah, of course. And I'm sitting there, I don't say a fucking word and the lady's like, what is wrong with this guy?

You know, and finally the guy goes, me and he doesn't even fucking turn around to acknowledge people he's better than everybody else right he finally turns the fuck around and he looks at us and I go hey can you move it down a little bit so we could go he goes no just go around me and then he told whoever he was on the phone with like some fucking guy just come up to me so I just told him to fucking go around me or whatever and the guy's like no move it up the whatever the TSA guy and he looks at us and he's like you see he said something and I go hey man you should have fucking moved it up and first place. We don't have to fucking tell you what you're supposed to do.

Yeah. You know, what the fuck is wrong with people? Claim your response. Oh, I'm sorry. I was on the phone. My wife is having a baby. My fucking girlfriend's asshole falling out. Whatever. This guy hangs up the phone. He's like, fuck you guys. No, fuck you, motherfucker. Oh, shit. You didn't know who he was talking to. It wasn't even that. He was like, he started with the couple first. Really? Yeah, he started with the couple first. It was kind of fucking weird. This is seven. This has to be, if my flight's 840, this had to be fucking six. 7.30 in the morning. You know, you start your day.

I mean, my day was shit after that because the fucking kiss of death this motherfucker dropped on me. It was just, he's like, hey man, and I just started going back and fucking fuck you. And the guy says to me, well, come to Vegas, I'll beat you up in Vegas. Oh, you're a fucking genius.

And he had, like, the front was balding. So he had one of those Maple Leaf hairdoes where he pushed everything back. And I go, look at you with your fucking George Washington haircut. Get the fuck out of it. And his face went pale. His face went past with his little George Washington faggot fucking haircut.

But it's just so weird how he sat there, Lee, and he didn't give a fuck about what I had to say or who I was talking to. He didn't care. Like, even if he was being a douchebag at first with the phone, and he said, can he move? And he was like, oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Like, that would have been like, I was surprised it didn't happen in L.A.

Like, one time I was flying home in L.A., and I was waiting at the gate for, like, half an hour. And this person, this guy, was walking back and forth at the gate. screaming on his cell like not screaming but talking like way louder than you ever need to talk he wants people to hear him talk because he's that fucking important

and he was like marching he was like doing turns he was like playing with things and I never understand that sort of like need for attention it's just bro they love it they love it they got to talk and listen

when I see somebody on the fuck like I get fucking pissed off if I'm in a car and somebody comes in talking on the cell phone you know what you just got in a car bro we were talking about something you came in with your fucking cell phone or your stupid story

get off the fucking phone. That's what a normal person does. Anyway, I don't want people, listen, I never want nobody hearing my fucking conversation. Never. Never. I'm one of those guys, I don't need for fucking the people to hear my conversation, but here, in the mind of fucking small heads here in fucking

Momo land with all these fake motherfuckers, they think it's beautiful to be on the phone and to talk loud. And what about the budget? Three million dollars. I remember I used to do comedy in Denver when I first started, there was this club called a Diamond Cabaret. It's still there. It's a strip club. And we go in

to do comedy. And it was really funny that I'd always watch these guys that were come and dress to the nines. You know, dressed up beautifully. And they'd sit down and they'd order a steak and a bottle of wine. And when a woman came over to say a lap dance,

they'd go, no, we're here to talk business. Listen, when you're talking business, you don't have to mention that you're talking fucking business. You fake motherfucker. Anybody who says, I'm a business, you're not talking business. You're a fucking stroke. You know? So you came here to a

strip club, all fucking dressed up, all fucking done up with your outfit on, and you're talking business. You're going to tell that to the strip club. And the girl comes back every like 20 minutes. Are you ready for the lamp dance? No, darling. We're still talking about this construction project. You couldn't do this at Starbucks with the rest of your waspy fucking friends.

You couldn't do this at Starbucks. You had to do this here so everybody knows your business. That's what I'm talking. I mean, it's just, we live in this gross fucking, and people applaud that. Oh, business. What type of business do you? You do. Oh, well, you know, that's just to open up the fucking door.

Shut the fuck up. You don't tell nobody what the fuck you do. It's like the people at the ATM a couple weeks ago that were just waiting there and holding up an entire line. Yeah, they just, but it's not even that. It's just need for people. No. Listen, people, one thing about life is that you only do it one fucking time. And this is something I learned early to fuck on.

A lot of people don't like me for this. And I don't give a fuck. You have to let your heart dictate what happens in a room or anywhere. You know what? I don't like being in a room with somebody I don't like. I just don't fucking like it. I just don't like it because I want to say something. I don't need to be that.

There's some people like, well, you know, Joe, leave it for later. You know what? Just don't go. Just don't go. And I'm not mad at you because you invite them or nothing. I know you got to do whatever you got to do, but don't invite me then. I'll call you and tell you the truth. You know, if I don't like somebody, I don't like being around them.

That's where my mother raised me. If you don't like somebody, let them know or don't let them know. Just don't hang out with them. You know, one thing about the, we had a great call Friday from my mother. but my brother Mike Runny. That was one of the best calls I had. He talked about pushing the hooker out of the fucking car. A free basin coat.

The reason why I talked to Mike is that's a credit Mike taught me when I was a kid. My mother taught me at first, but he lived it. Mike didn't like you, you fucking told you to your fucking face. So you knew where you stood. Dog, I don't like you. Go to the other side of the bar. You got two options. You can throw down or we don't need to fucking talk no more.

We don't need to fucking talk no more. But I'd rather do that than be a fake nice to people. Don't be a fake. Don't be a fake. There's so many fucking fakes out there. You know, people always write me fucking notes and shitly. And it's so weird that I didn't have a career at all.

I had nothing going on. I did all these movies. But then I did something that nobody else has thought about doing. I told the truth. And when you tell the truth, people fucking love that shit. When you tell a story and you fucking tell the truth, people love it. It's such a breadth of fresh air.

You know, we have great numbers with the podcast. We're not the top fucking podcast. and we're not the funniest fucking podcast. But whatever you hear on here, you're hearing from the fucking heart and the soul. I know but people that do podcasts that these motherfuckers are the fakes in the world. It's a comedy act on the podcast.

Yeah. You know what? I don't want that. I don't want, if you listen to Beauty and the Beast, if you hear me on the podcast, I do. I don't even fucking giggle. I want to give you something that's real

so you can take the fuck home with you because in the land and in the world of fucking fakes. I mean, it's amazing that you people don't pick up on more of these fucking fakes when they're talking about. But, yeah, I'm sorry. It's tough because, like, that whole thing, like, it is being fake, but just thinking about telling someone I don't like makes me uncomfortable. Just thinking about it right now made me uncomfortable.

Well, you don't have to tell them that you don't like them, but you don't have to be there in the room playing off that you like them. Hey, man, listen, you know in those jobs, especially the ones we do, people come up to you, they hug you, they kiss you. You know, as a society, we're falling for fucking too much fakes. You know, over the weekend, Joe and those guys are talking about that. Doug Stanhope had words. with Janine Garofalo on the Green Room

that she said something about Bush and Houston and it's really weird because there's a lot of people that have fans like that and Doug Stanhope Pastor what is your body of work? Go on there. How many CDs does she have?

How many specials does she have? She really has none. But then you got a guy like Brody or fucking Tom's to Groverick these guys work hard and nobody knows who the fuck these guys are but you guys buy into Janine Garoflo because he puts glasses on

and because she has some fucking weird whatever about life. I had nothing against Janine Garofo. I'm just fucking saying that this is what people talk about this what we talk about this is what the hook you were so easily in love now you know a guy wins one fight in UFC he's ready for Anderson Silver what fucking planet did you come from you know the comeback or whatever comeback is a couple fucking songs a couple fucking fights but we're impressed so easily impressed in this fucking society with everything we're so

easily fucking impressed if the guy has an English fucking accent Oh, my God, you know. I remember watching, what's his name, X-Man, on Oprah Winfrey, the guy that plays X-Men, the fucking Limey, whatever his fucking name is, the English guy. Oh, okay. Australian guy, I'm sorry. I know, I don't remember his name.

Yeah, whatever his fucking guy is. He's on Oprah, talking about how he loves his fucking fat wife, and all these fat women are in the fucking audience going, ooh, they look like, this guy gets his dicks up 18 times a day. He's another guy that wears, like, a little hat on, so people think he's cute. And women are like, oh, he's so cute. You know, they go on Oprah, and they're like,

I love my wife. And meanwhile the wife looks like she got stabbed And run over by a fucking car And these women are like Oh, we love you so much What the fuck is wrong with you? This guy gets his dick sucked by every fucking maid You fucking momos

But you buy into that shit Oh, I love my wife Somebody who loves his wife Doesn't fucking say it Yeah, they don't need to People who do things Don't need to say it So that's the fucking word of the day

Don't say it, just fucking do it You know, I worked on this crew one time That did Spider-Man too and then they did the longest yard. So when I did the longest yard, I really knew the fucking crew, the film crew, you know,

not the stars in it, but the crew, yeah. The people were around there. I remember talking to one guy, and he goes, this is a white waspies, pretty nice, cool guy

that I really liked on this side. I forget what his name was. And I asked him about, he had worked on this, a samurai movie with Tom Cruise. He's a, you know, he's not a sight.

He's not crazy like me, and he's not, he doesn't have the eye have a fucking douchebag like me. This is just a regular guy. And I said to him and guys were talking and they were talking about Tom Cruise in that movie. And somebody said, do you think Tom Cruise is gay from seeing that movie? And the guy looks and he goes, definitely. And the guy goes, why do you say that? And he goes, because when Penelope Cruz showed up on the set, he made a big deal about it. He would always go, stop, stop, it's my beautiful wife or girlfriend

or whatever he was. And he goes, he did it so much that I knew. This was a regular fucking guy. proud of him because he didn't buy into the waspy shit he goes wow that's how I knew that this fucking guy was gay because he made too much of somebody who loves their wife doesn't make that big of a fucking deal about that's that's always what happens like in the news with the the senators or the priests who are always against gay marriage they're the ones who come out and and they're always the ones banging dudes in the airport bathrooms and stuff it's hilarious you ever see a fucking gay guy in an airport bathroom dog no see now

people don't understand is they don't let you go into the airport and mingle and I told the story I think on this podcast that I got stuck in San Francisco in 85 and I noticed that every time I went to a bathroom there was a guy that would come right up to the stall and look at me all fucking creepy like his shit it was crazy you know at porno theaters they do that too yeah they you might go to a bathroom when I was like 17 my buddies talked me into going to Newark to this porno fucking theater that on Sundays there'd be women hanging out there was no fucking women There was a bunch of 18-year-old fucking guys walking around, foaming from the mouth, dying to suck a fucking dick.

And, uh, wha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, I have a question for you. Hit me, brother. Is this, is this like a, is this a feeling that you've come about later? Because, and it's not something I'm proud of, and I don't, it's not everything I do. But the issue people have with this is, is you want people to like you. And it's, everyone always says, oh, I don't care what people think. If you didn't care what people thought you'd walk around it and,

and sweatpants and you tell everyone what you thought of them and you'd shit in the middle of the street. So at a certain level you do care. No, we all care of people like us. The extent what we do for people to like us. Okay. You know, I was in a restaurant one day

in Hollywood at another Brazilian place. I don't even know a name of it. I was eating in there. I was with my wife eating dinner and there was a table behind me. There was a guy that was gay and I don't give a fuck you know. But I'm sitting there listening to his voice and he was the gayest guy at the table and I'm asking myself how gay do you have to be

to sit at that table you know and it wasn't like a funny thing I'm just sitting there by myself going this guy is playing it over gay and I started thinking about how sad is it that this guy is probably gay for acceptance this is just an acceptance and three years from now he will not be gay he'll go back to his hometown or whatever bump fuck Iowa what the fuck he is and he won't be gay this is just an experiment he's doing. It happens all the fucking time. It happens all the time here. When I grew up, if you're a dick sucker, you're a faith with a

dick sucker. You're always a dick sucker. If you're a lesbian, you're a fucking lesbian. But here in LA, all of a sudden people move out here and they turn fucking gay. You know, they turn gay. And then I think it's fucking to turn gay for acceptance. You know, when I first started to

try to get clean and sober off the cocaine, I went to a couple of in a meetings just to see what they were talking about. But it was funny as a kid, Mr. Teranogu called the show had taken me to AA meetings in 85 to help me with the cocaine. He's a big AA guy. And I had gone to them and I was impressed. It wasn't something

that I wanted to do, you know, but I was impressed with it. It was good. I understood how it worked. If you're having a problem and you need some support, AA or N.A. might work for you. It could work. It will work if you give it a chance and you work the steps. When I went to the A meeting,

I went to one on Melrose Boulevard and it was filled with gay guys. these people with tattoos of N.A. And I'm sitting there going, this is great and all this, you know, being here, but how much of an N.A. guy are you? Why are you got a tattoo? And it was very fake. People were hugging each other and, oh, my God. And it was just, and then I went to a meeting in the Valley.

And I saw the big difference. Yeah. Okay, I saw the difference. I didn't want to say it. I didn't want to say it. I wanted to see it for myself. You know, when you go to a meeting in the Valley at one of these places, I went to a meeting, you know, like a week later in the valley with a friend of mine. It was a great men's meeting. There were men in there.

Men talking. There was a couple gay guys, and they weren't flaming. Their feet weren't on fire. It doesn't have to be gay people when you're like, it's just you were in the valley, and it was normal people not trying to impress anybody. That's what it was. It was just people with real problems or real solutions, not people looking to join a click or be a part of something. You know, saying whatever the fuck they say to be a part of something.

I've seen the difference right away. I never mentioned it. I never, it's not like I got mad at it or anything like that. I understand it. But I don't like that fucking fake shit. You know, that's what it is. And maybe I said it wrong. Maybe you don't go up to something or I hate you.

But you just don't go where you don't fucking belong. I don't go anywhere where I think a fucking incident might come up because I know I'm a fucking asshole. I've always known I'm a fucking jerk off. And I'm going to fucking say something. You know, a couple weeks of, I ruined the fucking wake. I ruined the wake with Jeff Valdez when I went at that fucking fake Mexican. and you, Jeff Valdez, the producer of

CTV, whatever, at the Marilyn Marilyn Martinez's wedding, I went at him. I don't get out wedding at her wake. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. He didn't belong there. He didn't belong there, dog. You know what? He should apologize to Maryland in her own fucking time in his own space, not come there and embarrass yourself. He didn't like it. You didn't like

none of us. You know, you tried to help us, but you half-heartedly helped us. That's what I can't stand. That's why I think there's a lot of. There's a lot of fucking fake people. I like other fucking fake people. And if you can't pick up on the fakenness of somebody I don't understand you that my call to me yet we're gonna call coming in so we'll finish this in the second what's happening brother yeah what's going on you know me my man

over here thinking about you you're not working today no I'm off today uh for you guys I love this day we get off for everything you know that I yeah teaching convention we get off we get off for everything uh my man guy is a mailman but we had we had our neighbor on the day see I met guy Tabasco as a kid when he was a kid now he was a kid now he's as a kid and we live next to Mike we all I live with Mike Roney who called on Friday and Mike was talking about he used to throw the fucking mail away remember when he had that mail card dog remember when he used to have funny about that I used to come home and see him fucking emptying it out of his trunk

me and guy grew up together I should fucking do it be that's how crazy Mike remember when he used to go over the city with his little fucking mail car and pick up fucking blow and He'd go to OTB. He'd go to off-track betting. He would go to OTB in the fucking mail truck with his mail uniform on. He didn't give him a fuck. The best stories about him is we should give him bets to fucking go out to the track.

And then I would see him still fucking down by Lujis at the time the fucking races were coming off. Then he'd come over the next day and want the fucking money. When I knew he wasn't at the track. He was. He's a fucking piece. Of work, brother. How old were you when I met, you guys, Tabasco? 15, 16, something like that.

15. And our relationship started about fucking music. All about music. I tell people all the time. You call me a fat fuck, a spick, a motherfucker, I don't get mad. But tell me fucking Randy Road sucks. We're going to do some boxing. You know what I'm saying?

Well, you schooled me on a lot of it. How many fucking... How many arguments that we get out in front of your house at your brother Mikey about music and Eddie Van Allen and he would steam off and shit one other thing I was thinking when I decided to have you this morning I was like who can I have on today?

Oh guy at the Basco There's another fucking story for you guys How about this guy? Remember when I sent When I used to send fucking pizza to your dad Like you know like fake deliveries and shit Like you sent somebody a pizza on college football day Remember that shit?

Oh That was us You had to send blue flame up Yeah We would call the pizza thing, go send a pie to Mr. Tabasco, and I'll say, yeah, Mr. Tabasco, yelling at the pizza guy. Get the fuck off my stairs. I didn't know on no pizza.

There was a couple of times my father felt bad about it. He wanted to buy the fucking pizza, even though he wasn't even hungry. The guy's coming there with two fucking pizzas. We used to send your dad taxi cabs. They beep in front of the house and shit. Get the fuck out of you. I didn't all know taxi cab, you fucking cuckers. Oh, my God.

He's selfish, though, man. You had no fucking clue where I was coming from? No clue. You had one of the best houses ever that I grew up in, ever, ever. There'd always be somebody yelling. I mean, there was five fucking boys. Oh, shit. When you had five fucking boys, and four of them lived there at all times.

Like, when I knew you, everybody lived there. Teddy, your other brother, except the guy out in the fucking DMV, but everybody lived in the house. Ray? Yeah. Yeah, my brother, Mikey was fucking nuts, though. You know that. He was the one that they fucking had most arguments with it.

Oh my god. He's always gone at it with him. He used to work for the cable company, so everybody on the block had free fucking cable. It was tremendous. Everybody. Everybody. Everybody had fucking cable. Even the Spanish people, they fucking hooked them up with fucking gallivision.

He had fucking everybody covered. 50 bucks to climb the fucking pole. Hooked anybody up. Everybody had cable on our block. We had the boxes. We had cable in the fucking bathroom. That's how much cable we had. We didn't give a fuck.

The table's in the shed, whatever we could put it. Everyone we can put it, God. Guy, how much fun that you and I have as kids? We used to get on the roof and watch Marilyn McGuire undress and dress and dress with binoculars on and shit. We were little fucking freaks, Doug. You know what the best part about that? The binoculars were in my father's room,

and that was the hardest fucking thing to do was to get him out of there. Used to bring him to fucking high school games, football games, everything. And then he used to come knocking my window and say, go get them run off the house. I had to go through the fucking living room, get on my father's dresser and take him, he left him in a fucking dresser. but I always managed you to get him and that fucking Marion McGuire

How hot was she? Oh my God We get on the roof and watch You were looking at the right fucking brood Let me tell you Oh, we want to watch it'll take a little bro. Before you got that I didn't even know what fucking do

I didn't even know what you were thinking about Oh get Perakias I want to look at Maryman McGuire I'm saying what the fuck What is he talking about But we did it right We don't give a fuck We used to get on his little roof

And watch I run dressed and shit I always wanted to see it give a blow job or something I can never see a suck a dick, but I used to see her take her tities out and play with the titties and look at them in the mirror. That's fucking tremendous. That's when I was a freak. I'm not a freak no more.

I haven't had binoculars in years. What else, Guy? When I had that tree in the back of my house and my father worked for DPW, I was always telling them to cut the fucking tree down so we could see how better. That tree's in a way, Dad, it's in a fall out of the house if you don't cut it down.

Guy, we had a Steveavillo call up and we're talking about concerts and how North Bergen people reacted to concerts, how every park would send a representative to a concert. Like, you'd go to a fucking concert anywhere, whether it was the Garden, the Meadowlands, the Nassau Coliseum,

and you'd see 40 fucking kids from North Bergen. Break it down for these cocksuckers. Oh, my God. I remember going to Van Halen at the Madison Square Garden, like 1982. The fucking ice cream man got swarmed by a pack of fucking people from North Bergen. Everybody's sticking their fucking hands in there.

grabbed an ice cream Gary Haley's cream I grabbed an ice cream I squeezed it The fucking The ice cream went right up It went right in this cup He didn't even know

He was so fucked He just kept eating We're smacking the guy's head off How many How many fucking concerts Did we go to a dog As a child As kids

As fucking kids Now did you go to Van Halen Black Sabbath No you were too young for that No No I didn't go to that That was 78 Yeah it was like 13 years old

I wasn't going to that Which ones did you go to them right Which ones did you go to? The first one I went to was the Fair Warning Door in second row. It was unbelievable. Madison Square Garden. Who opened up for them that year? I think, oh, man, some fucking obscure band.

Who the fuck opened up for them? Oh, magic. I think it was the wrong thing. I hear your secrets that you keep when you're calling in your sleep. That's who it is with their fucking hairdoos, those little cock suckers. What are the concerts did you go to, guy? We're concerts that we go together. We went to a couple.

Not together. Remember Ozzy at the fucking arena? I'm watching you and Mike on the side of the stage, and you wanted me to throw him that tennis ball. Oh, that's right. I'm going to throw it to Ozzy at the beginning over the mountain. Now, let me ask you that that was Ozzy with Brad. What's his name?

Was Dead by that, right? Yeah, Brad Gill. Yeah, that was the night that I robbed the fucking Sony Triniton. We used to get the Sony Triniton's, and I brought him to Mike Muller's house, and every time he'd give us a gram of Coke, That night he gave us a half a gram, and that was the beginning. That's when we zeroed in on robbing Mike Mullica, that cock sucker,

because I never forgot him for Swinley. How about the guy across the street, they guys? Oh, we were talking about, we robbed him four fucking times. Even me and Mike were talking about it. I remember finally he wired up the apartment one night. He wired up the house, and one night I was walking home from Mike Askillies's house, and I went home and I go, let me rob this motherfucker. I got three in the morning

I busted in there and the alarm went off and who was the cop that lived next to me remember there was a cop that lived next to the runnies Oh Richie Richie the pigeon guy

Richie the pigeon I forgot his last name So the next day The alarm goes off So I'm stuck running I gotta run back to Ask Lisa's house Get Vivian And walk home with Vivian

And the cops are surrounding the house And as the cops are there They see me They giggle at me They're like you motherfucker They knew it was me We must have robbed That fucking house

Then we had the guy What about the grocery store? What was the name of that grocery store with the old man that was real cool? Oh, Stan. He got shot three fucking times on a Friday night, remember? That's right. But Stan had some... You know what?

He got shot? He only had fucking chicken roll. That was his only fucking cold cup with chicken roll. It was disgusting. It was like going into the city and fucking buying drugs out of one of them stores. The guy had nothing there. I don't even know how to fuck he stayed open. He had yuhus.

He had bread, milk, eggs. he had American cheese because I used to buy the American cheese all the time to make omelets but he used to have chicken roll that was disgusting you know who ate that chicken roll Mike Runny

he loved fucking chicken roll was disgusting it's like eating a scab off on the Iranian's head I would never fucking eat that shit fuck that disgusting chicken roll oh my god that's why the guy got shot he only got fucking chicken roll

one in there some motherfucker one in there looking for Friday night Some guy went in there looking for wet muts, and he said, fucking chicken raw, shoot you, fuck. Guy, what about the fucking... How much fucking powder we used to do? It was a Friday night.

You want to know something real funny about that? My father went out every Friday night. Fucking religiously, he went out. It didn't matter what the fuck was going on. That night, he was going out. He goes up the block, Stan get shot three fucking times. He comes home. He says, lock the doors.

The guy at the block just got shot. You know, it was funny. because when people got shot on neighbor, we didn't give a fuck. Life went on, he got shot, keep going. What about when they shot that guy outside Roger's house that time? Roger Holloway was eating dinner with his parents and Timmy Holloway and somebody,

the guy up the corner got shot. And Roger kept saying, Dad, let's go see what happens. His father kept saying, sit out, Roger. Mind your fucking business. Got another to do it. The guy's bleeding 10 feet from his house and Mr. Holloway won't let him go watch

and see the fucking help the guy out. Let's talk about the drug. Let's talk about the fucking drugs with these. fucking youngsters. Tell them how crazy it was. The jaws... The good thing about when you got all that fucking scores, robbing the houses and everything, I knew I was in for a fucking party the next day. Oh, that was true. But you went the fucking bloke. The biggest fucking lines I ever seen in my life. I couldn't

even snort them. I had a stop halfway through. That's how fucking big they were. Oh, we used to get cooked up guy like a motherfucker. Lookout window. No, at that time I didn't look out windows. I didn't get paranoid then. My jaw was just starting to go from side to side. Tell him about Runny's jaw. These motherfuckers don't know about the curse of the runny jaw. He was eating his fucking shoulder. He was eating shoulder. It was going so quick.

Oh, it was hysterical. I remember when I went like that Veneery party. When Neri told him not to snort, he started snorting. And Veneerri's like, look at him. And all of some, we all looked at him. And he's like, what? I didn't do nothing. Your fucking jaw is going from side to side a million miles a fucking minute.

He looked fucking retarded, right? He did. He did look fucking retarded. It was, it was, it was, look at him. and go, what the, even my in-laws didn't know what was wrong with him at time. He said it when I got married. They're like, what the fuck is up with his jaw? You would not believe this shit in public.

But I remember a guy just coming home. You were like my buddy. I come home and I talk to you early. Yeah, you got out of school. Who would get out of school? Me or you? I never went to fucking school. I get out of school and it'd be in the middle of the fucking day

and here comes a fucking knock on the door. Oh, yeah, come on over. And here comes to fucking... Come on over and shit like that. We got the party going. We do shit in the afternoons. Were you there? We were there.

We were talking to that Ronnie about it. When I robbed the Mullica's house and fucking, they blamed on Mike Runny and we were lifting and they came. They knocked on the door. You were you there. I don't know if you were with us, but you were next door or some shit. What happened? They went right to the basement.

They went upstairs. No, they went to the fucking clothes on the basement floor over there. Do you have any problems getting through there? Do you remember how much clothes they were on that? That was the first hoarders. If you think about it, right? The Runnies, the fucking backyard. The laundry, it was amazing.

Roger Holloway used to say you have to be a high hurdle to go in there because you got a hurdle over the fucking close. You would fall down. If you'd step, you didn't know what direction you were going to fall. That's how much clothes. And they went, like, you had to go down two steps,

and then there were the clothes. So you didn't know how deep you really were. I could throw you off a fucking balcony. You could learn, it was like a mat. Guy, you know. No, no fucking clothes. No fucking clothes that you had how deep it was. Guy, guy, it's so funny.

I do this podcast with Lee the Flying Jew and the last couple weeks we've been doing it. And it's so funny that people have no idea how we grew up. When I tell these stories, you know, I didn't tell these stories, Guy, because I didn't think people were going to believe me ever. And about three years ago, you know, for years, I would tell the stories after stand-up comedy about how we used to rob shit and bring it back and you were a young kid. And we listened to fucking music or talk about music or albums.

And it's really hard to tell these people how we grew up. There was no fakes. You couldn't be a fucking fake. You know, we didn't grow up with fucking people with goatees or tattoos or earrings. You know, explain to these people how we grew up, man. Well, the best thing about it was during the day. It was mostly during the day, Dias, when you would come and get me. And I'd be fucking hit Ramona.

Remember Ramona? Yeah. And you think he'd fucking twat that she was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I would leave, I would come over by you, get snorted up, and then I had to go back home and he'd go take a shit. It went right through me to cook. We were fucking kids, man.

We were fucking kids. How many bad things could have happened, you know? No consequences. We never looked at that. We did whatever the fuck we had to do, right? We used to go to, you know, we used to be kids and we'd go into the fucking city to get weed or even into the concerts.

At 15, how old were you when you go into the city and go to a concert? How were you right? Yeah, 15, 16, fucking stubborn in, putting the fake tickets together so we could run upstairs and get into the garden I mean it was fucking insane

I got I had a fake ticket from the metal lands once they fucking kicked me out and Madison Square Garden the guy was trying to pull a ticket out of my hand he bitching out of my hand and says you're trying to render Bernardino on there

what are you doing he pushes me over the fucking barricade get out of here and take the bus home it's fucking crazy sometimes I think about shit and my breath flies out of me guy

Like I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe. We did that whether it was. And then you were a resident of the craziest part of North Bergen. You hung out down at the fucking field, which is, it was Mars compared to other places. This was really fucking Mars. These guys ran the field like a fucking, they did whatever they want. You had characters with Randy Mergel. You had Joe Lucci.

You had all these people that were fucking big. of their life. You know, a Joe Lucci party would kill most people today. And I tell you this, and I'm not laughing. I'm not fucking laughing. You know, these kids that go out and they go clubbing and they do a hit of X and they drink two shots of champagne and they think they're partying. Guy, tell them what, we kill those kids. We eat them up.

You know, we were right there when the... Everything... Go ahead, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Everything you could imagine at Joe Lucci parties and Ben some. Every fucking thing. Mess going. As shit. Randy Merger was right up the block.

I mean, it was the perfect setup. Beards, they used to deliver the beers. Remember Tunnelie Lickie? You fucking call them up, and you put the order in, and they fucking delivered them. No one. Who fucking went to the door? They answered him to get the fucking beers. You didn't even need to be 18. As long as we tick the delivery driver,

50 fucking bucks, he'd bring you a bazook in those days. We used to get the guy from Tully Lickers and the one on 68th and Bergen Line. There was two of them. And you want to know what the funny? funny part about that day is it was Mark Bailey that was delivering from. He was the biggest fucking alcoholist back there.

And at the other place, it was Glenn Zemanak. Do you remember at the 168? And then he would sell Coke, too. So you'd order fucking delivery, and he'd bring your Coke rock for $40, too. And he'd stop and get your cigarettes and rolling papers.

And if he gave him another $10, he'd stop at the weed dealer's house and get the fucking weed from him. It was completely different. There was, there were the liquor stores, delivered. Can you imagine that shit? Yeah, there's some things like that now, but it's not the same thing. The ID you, the ID you, the whole thing, you have to go pay for it, and then they deliver

it, but not like this. And the people knew who they deliver into it. And you didn't have internet, you had to know the number and call the number. We knew the number in the back of what. We knew that number, the police department, the attorney's number. That's the only number you need to fucking know. The liquor store in the attorney's number. So that's the, you know what I'm saying?

so you know that that's what it's all about god these people the best fucking gods the best and that's why when I left it I said people like you don't go out and when I left New York and 83 I stopped going out at night

because I knew it would never ever ever ever my life would ever be like that ever again I could go out you know when I went to Colorado you know the big thing was to go to a bar and watch a cover band I'd rather shoot myself in the fucking eyeball I'd rather have ten black fucking dicks up my ass and one

coming on my face just sitting there watching some fucking cover band you know did you go to pink Floyd with us too guy you know pink Floyd where was that the coliseum yeah the wall for yeah remember I had the shirt I used to always wear what was your favorite what was your best

concerts guy oh my god I gotta think about that day I mean you still go to the Armour brothers every fucking year every year they're still good they're still good you know they hold up over there in the beacon. They do that 57 nights in the beacon and whatever it is.

And what... Make it over there once or twice. What concerts? What was the last concert you went to? That was the last concert. I went to see that love for Leon the other night at the Meadowlands. You know, it was about the band, the drummer for the band. Okay, how was that?

We called him. Yeah, it was good. It was good. It was good night. It was good night. I don't know if you liked the band. I don't know if you're into them. No, I'm into the band. You know, the old stuff. But, uh, what does I say to you? There was something out of fucking ashen, I forgot here. But the younger days, I mean, D.C. and the Coliseum, and, I mean, every, like you said, every week, it was somebody else.

It was every band that came to the Garden or the Meadowlands of the Coliseum, Ozzie, D.C., Van Held, the continuation, fucking half the North Bergen was there. What was the album? Half a North Bergen. And it's funny because I talk to a guy once every 10 days, and I always ask him what album are you listening to? That's how deep him and I are when it comes to music.

What album are you listening to? Never say die. The first sign and never say die. Fucking tremendous. You don't need it like you always say. You can end it on that first time. Yeah, you can end it. You could just kill yourself

after fucking Judea's eyes. And I play music for these guys every day. Every day I play something different for them. You know, I try to school them, man, just to let them know what's really going on because I listen to the music today, and it fucking blows. There's like three fucking good bands out there, and everything else is the same shit you've been listening to all your fucking life, you know?

It's the same shit you've been listening to all your fucking life. And it's just, I listen to shit with substance. We've got some heat. We're going to throw out these motherfuckers today. Guys, say some fucking goodbye words for these cock suckers. Tell them what North Bergen's... Tell her about the hooker, Debraan Balling All, when she used to suck dick in front of that little store on 81st Street.

So, listen to this. I forgot. I've been dying at the side of the story. So the fucking political system moved out from the Marcos. The Marcos weren't the mayors no more. They stopped being the Marcos. So they had this other team. What about what's going up there now? The Yides in Norberg with the fucking DPW,

a guy that took over from my fault, he's taken down the whole fucking town. He's ratting out everybody. Yeah, they're ratting out everybody. But I heard that Governor Christie's getting involved. He wants those motherfuckers out of there. Yeah, well, they fucking triple-diffing. They got four jobs, three jobs.

They're doing shit on the clock. get their house on, you know, it don't fucking stop. It never changes. It's going on for years. You know, it's funny how I don't pay attention to politics, because even the political races, they're fucking boring as fuck. I've been seeing through politics right through. I see right through it, you know, guy. After what we

came through, I see right through all this little nicky-knacky shit. They're fake politicians, man. We grew up with real fucking politicians. Those motherfuckers are take you out and stab you and put you in a hole if you didn't fucking vote for them. I mean, I tell the story about these, so there's this Machos, and they were getting

heat. So they stepped down and put this fucking in place political team in there. And then when the heat died down, they wanted to get their jobs back. So they got this hooker from the neighborhood to go on national TV and say she blew all of them that they were their fuck. This is a true story.

And they changed her name to Debrianne Ballingall. Her last name. And this bitch went on eyewitness news and started talking about how fucking she fucked the mayor. She sucked the mayor's wife's pussy. The mayor's wife's White's pussy was a fucking, uh, uh,

she was a, uh, madam. And I mean, they got this fucking, because once the people sat down, they're like, fuck it.

We're not giving up our thing no more. We're not going to give it up at all. We're going to sit here. And they were like, what? We'll get some hooker. And she went rat at them out. It was the 18 or something.

They got voted back in. And then after she fucking... The 18. The 18. And after they fucking disappeared, they killed the hooker a fucking year later. They found her in a hallway, fucking bleeding.

with a fucking syringe in her arm. That's the fucking Makos. That's fucking North Bergen political system. That's why Obama stuttering don't fucking affect me. You know what I'm saying? That milk Romney, whatever, with his little fucking haircut,

he could suck my dick. That guy's in no danger. The guys that, our mayor, like our mayor, Joe Mocko and Peter Mocko and those motherfuckers, we grew up in a fucking political system. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, it's hard to even fathom when you see this shit that you... I see right through it, you know? Guy, give me some... Right after that happened to you They all took off and moved to Florida, right? Yeah, they did. That's what they did.

They got fat in North Bergen, they fucking high-tailed it out of there. They moved to fucking Florida. Guy, any closing words for these cocksuckers? Peace, brother. Good talking to you. Anything else? Anything you want to let them know about North Bergen

just so they know we ain't fucking around? It's a real deal. Everything you say, it's the real deal. It's fucking crazy. I love you, guy. I'll give you a call later on during the week, brother. Stay black. Thank you for being my friend all these years.

All right, you're welcome. All right. You're welcome. You know, I know that the fucking, I know that the thing is Stickham is having a problem today because people have been hitting me up. But this guy, this fucking handler guy, go fuck yourself, you fucking dummy.

We're trying here. Go fuck yourself, you fucking dummy. You don't think we know. You deserve better. He's hit me with 10 fucking twits. You know, don't you think we're on here? I know Stickham sucks dick. We're trying to make it better.

Don't you think, bro, we're doing this for free for you. Can't you fucking... Can't these people be a little bit decent sometimes? We get up early, we're doing... And this guy's insulting a sign there, this guy. Mind your fucking business. That's the law of fucking the church of what's happening now. Mind your fucking business.

You don't have to say nothing to nobody. That's the problem with these motherfuckers. Everybody wants to be a crime stopper and say something. Try you stream or you stream, live stream. Brother, you deserve better. I know we deserve better, but we started with stick them. So we're trying to make it work, you fucking much. Do you understand me? Is that okay with you? I mean is that okay with people? That's another thing people do

They get on something something don't work and they bail out on it. It's trying to make it fucking work We're trying to make it work I don't want to be like everybody else and just go to fucking Ustream You follow me this is why we do what the fuck we do because we don't want to be that's what the church is about Not being and doing what everybody else does it would be easy for me to go on you stream like fucking Joe Rogan and go on his fucking tails but I wanted to try something different guys. So please, give me a fucking break, you fucking moron. Jesus Christ, you don't think we know you fucking retard? Fucking is Moonbake.

His name is Moonbake. That's how fucking stupid he is. Moonbake. Are you fucking kidding me, Moonbake? Are you fucking retarded with that fucking name? That's the starters. You're one of those guys that wears those little fucking hats and fucking philosopher, you fucking Momo.

Un-fucking believable what you got to put up with. fucking day and age. This motherfucker's getting blocked this fucking moonbeak cop sucker. For everyone who gets yelled at by Joey on Twitter, this is what happens. Like, you don't know if you got a window into what happens when Joey gets messed off.

Oh, because it's amazing how people don't think that you see this. I see it. I know we're slipping today and we'll work on it. But for you to keep tweeting somebody with the same stupid shit, the same stupid shit. When I see this, it tells me one thing

that you don't fucking have a life. You have to go out and get a life, man. I appreciate that people, listen to the podcast. I appreciate that people come to the fucking shows. I appreciate that people go on Twitter and we go back and forth that you buy merchandise, that you support the shows. It's the fucking people that come up to you and look at you and they look like fucking the guy from taxi driver.

And their eyes are spinning in their head. And they're like, man, if it wasn't for the podcast, I wouldn't have a fucking life. Well, it's time for you to get a fucking life. We do this as entertainment. You know, when I watch Sons of Anarchy, at night. I don't want sons of fucking anarchy because I want to beat Joe fucking biker. I've already

shot people. I've already fucking robbed shit. I watch it because it's entertainment. But I don't write fucking Kurt Sutter and go, Kurt, I think there's holes in your game. No, I don't do something like that. You know why? Because I know it's fucking entertainment. This is an hour, an hour and 15 minutes to take your mind away

from the regular ho-hum shit and look down on Joey Deers and go, what a fucking criminal piece of shit he is. Not for you to sit there and for 15 minutes. Well, you stream. Go on this, go on that. They get so, and that's why I told you in the beginning. Don't look at that shit.

Don't look at that shit. Because what happens is it proves to you that there are some people that are looking for you to fucking, you know, reach out and touch fucking faith. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Put on the Jew National Anthem. That's what we didn't do today.

We didn't put on a Jew fucking national anthem. Let's play for these motherfuckers. Hit it. Crank that motherfucker Lee, Lee, Lee. We ain't got time for this shit. Fucking morons. Oh, what? This is like

1975, the OJ's. This is what music was fucking music singing about money. And they're black Jews, the most important one from the other side of Israel. Blank that shit up, Mom. It's the extended version. These are real Jews.

They say money, money, money, money a thousand times. Money, money, money, money. They all got the Yamacan. Fuck, you pay me. What? It's a beautiful day to be alive. That's what I love about Mondays. You got a second chance.

The shit, the negative shit that was hit me last week, it's over. It's a whole new week. Hit it. Ah, listen to me y'all. Yeah, yeah. Wait, think Lee? Did you mother play this for you when you went to crew? Did this lie?

Did she play this for you? No, no. Well, probably, actually. Probably put, like, the speakers on her stomach when she was pregnant. They're playing in the background at the brisk. Money. What? Dollar bills, y'all.

for me. I actually had a question about that. Speaking of money, I don't know about everyone else in the country, but gas fucking flew up here. It's like $5 a gallon right now. Fuck, yeah. And so I was thinking, and since you just bought the car and you were a car salesman, I was thinking about turning my car in and leasing a hybrid. Like, what do you think about that?

And what, what are you, I was really wondering what your tips were for people doing that, because I have no idea. what's going on when I'm getting there. I know I'm going to buy the warranty I don't need. Do you have any quick tips for people trying to look at a car? First of all, I wouldn't buy a fucking hybrid. Really? I want to do 40 miles in now on the right-hand

lane. People going around me, dog. I need that aggravation in my fucking life. I'm a Jew. I'm getting 25 right now. I could get 50. Well, buy yourself a little fucking nice car that, you know, gets nice mileage. I mean, you know, buy yourself something

with small fucking mileage, but you're a Prius now? No, no, no, no, not a Prius. I was thinking about getting the Civic or the Accord has a hybrid. Although they could too. I don't know. I don't know much about them.

Well, not necessarily about the hybrid, but when you're going into a car dealership, what should you look out for? What should you, like, avoid? Because I have no idea. I don't know anything about cars. You got to do research. You got to get on there and see what car you want first.

Then you got to realize, you know, why you want it and why. And then you have to look into the car and see what the invoices is, see what the profit they make, how much profit they make, how much profit Do you want them to make them? I mean, you don't want them to work for fucking free.

I don't want nobody to work for free. So I don't mind. There's people out there that like go get a fucking thing and they run into a dealership and go, you know, fuck that shit. I want to pay $500 less than invoice. What? It's not okay if they make a profit. These people go to work.

So that's what you have to decide on. Then you have to see, you know, like we knew that there was a fucking lease special. Listen, when you buy a car, you lease what depreciates and you own what appreciates. A house has value. A car. As soon as you slam the door and drive it out, it goes down the fucking tubes.

That's what people understand. So what you're trying to do is you're trying to get more car for your money. So when you do the first pencil, which is tell people what the deal is, you say to them, listen, you know, the lease special I had was $2.59 a month, zero down, plus deposit and all that time signing.

And the payments were like $2 something a fucking month. Okay. you know so I knew that from the lease if you try to buy that same car that same car is gonna be four twenty five and you gotta put twenty five hundred dollars out now when you put money out of your pocket when you buy a fucking car that's money you could put in a fucking CD and collect interest on so a lot of people I'm gonna go put five thousand down you're a fucking moron okay you're a fucking moron because if you could put a thousand down and take four and put in a CD a DVD

whatever the fucking investment things are I'm not even if you put it in your fucking jacket, pocket, and hiding in there around some refa, you're doing more than putting it as a down payment. Down payment on a car equals profit for a car dealership. So the more down payment you're putting down, they're just beating you the fuck up. They know you're a fucking grape. So you never want to play with your money. You always want to play with somebody else's money. Okay. You don't see fucking all, you know, like right now, I heard they just did a movie where the producer and the actor put the money up for the fucking film. That's very fucking rare because your business manager,

tell you but in life you never play with your fucking money you take a thousand down you put it down anything after that you could be using it for your kids education for you for a camera why you're giving them five thousand dollars down so what you're doing when you're getting a car is getting the most car for your money okay if you get a lease for zero down which will probably be seven hundred dollars after signing cost and the first payment if you could fucking get that with zero down that's what you're going for okay you don't want to take your money and tie it up into something. Look at these people who bought these homes and this fucking homes collapse.

The value, you can't, that's irreconable. You can't get that back. How are you going to get it back now? Okay. And now, what do you think about, because when I bought my car, I got tricked, I think I got tricked, but they were trying to sell a warranty, like a

repair warranty, if something happened. And I never get that for like electronics because I know it's a scam, but for some reason I was like, oh, a car could break down more easily so I got I spent 2000 and I got it is that a waste should I not waste okay when you have a used car if you buy first of all the car you're looking for always is not a new car you're always you're always looking for a car that's a year or two years old okay somebody else eats the depreciation the dealership the rental car agency whoever swallows

a depreciation right now today the car business they give you the fucking remainder of the warranty okay yeah let's say you buy a two-year-old uh honda you get eight-year warranty left on it out of the 10 yeah out of the 10 you know if they're a good dealership you know when i went to keys i was very impressed with keys because they had the carfax they were knowledgeable they weren't pushy you know they had a real home feeling to them okay you know when i even when i sold cars i didn't like pushing people it wasn't for me you ask them a little bit and you know you ask them you go what can we do today to get this you know get this party started that's what you want to do usually with people.

But you don't want to fucking go after them and, you know, let's do this today. We have to. It's the end of the month. That's garbage. Those are old school fucking tactics. If you talk to somebody correctly, you don't need to sell people. Okay. You know, you don't need to sell people.

So always look for a car at first for your value. That's two to a year old. Somebody else eats a depreciation. And then the other side of that is, you know, then you have to get your payment. You have to do a thing. You know, a used card today is fucking expensive. Yeah. You know, they jack them up, a Toyota, a Subaru, a fucking Honda, those cars retain their value sometimes.

It retains the value to the person who's a car lover of that brand. You know, Toyota people in Colorado are Toyota people. Don't come in and they want a 1969 land cruiser, and that's what they fucking want. Okay, why? Because the ratio that year, whatever, they're engineers, they're very intelligent, you know, so you know what you want. But the car we were going to buy was 19,000. They could only get it down to 183. for an extra

1,700, we got a new car. Yeah, what's the point? So for an extra, you know what I'm saying? So they wanted 4,000 down and 3 something for the used car that we didn't really like. I didn't want, listen, man, I don't even like reading a book that's used.

I don't want some, I don't want to sit in somebody else's fucking farts. So for the 269, 700 down, I walked out of there with a new fucking 2013. Oh, shit, okay. So tell me again how I did, you know, I use the lease thing. And you know what?

I'm not going to buy the fucking car at the end of the two years. So I know some people are going to say, Joey, but leasing, what do you have? Listen, what do you have when you finance? Nothing. Nothing. They have your paper

until you pay that fucking thing off. You got to have it for five years. So now you're going to pay that car off for five years. Now it's yours. But guess what? You have a five-year-old car. Which means anything can break down any time.

If you have the credit and you can do it, lease. Okay. Lease every three years. You get a new car every three year. You don't worry about none. And after you've been, come let's say you lease with Toyota you just drop the car off and get another one everybody got your credit card information your financing information it just

becomes where time is money I'm about you time is money for me okay you know and even when I was a junkie time was money I don't like wasting fucking time I don't like driving on the one-on-one if I don't fucking have to you know there's more to life than fucking wasting fucking time time for me is everything you know it's so weird how there's people I talked to in all we're sitting in traffic really I can't sit in fucking traffic I wouldn't go out of time that fucking time. Yeah.

You know, that's just me. You went where at four? Once you stick a gun in your fucking mouth now, you know, whatever. And they'll talk. I don't like wasting time. Okay. So the same goes for me with cars. That car took an hour to get.

Yeah, that's all that, that's how long it should take. Now, should, with all these holidays coming up, sometimes they have the specials and everyone goes in, is that worth it or could you get the same deal any time of year? At the same deal any time of the year. Okay. They're always having a sale. There's always a sale.

When you go to a car place, there's always a sale. Okay. Good salesman always has a reason. Thank God you came in today. It's the beginning of the month we're having a sale. Thank God you came in today. It's the middle of the month. Thank God you came in today.

It's the last day of the month. Listen, man, it's like I say. When I get up in the morning, I get up in the morning, I say it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Why God gave you another chance. Grab your fucking cock and go out there. You hear it every day. But it's what I tell myself.

Same thing for them. There's a sale every fucking day. There's people making money every day. People getting a job every day. beauty of it get up get up it's fucking Monday you get a second chance I know today's podcast is a little rough whatever was a Monday morning podcast but hey I'm happy you started the week with us today I'm happy you get to listen to this don't forget my man Brendan Walsh is taping a CD this week at the San Francisco burrito and

comedy festival at the elbow room on Friday only seats 140 people this will sell out this will sell out this will sell out do not forget to go see Brendan Woll this weekend. Also, Ari and fucking Tom Segura are still on fucking iTunes. Support them. I will be at the Portland Helium Club this Thursday at 8 o'clock. Go to

Portlandheelium.com. Get some fucking tickets now. This thing will go. We're going to have a great time Thursday night. I love fucking Portland. Let me explain some to you. Hippies of my roots. I live in Colorado. There's none with a chick with a fucking armpit pussy. You're following me. They got that little

Pichugi juice on there and the whole fucking thing. I was talking about it on Twitter last night. So please make sure you go to fucking, if you're in San Francisco, support Brendan Walsh. When comics do a CD, we need all the yelling and screaming we could get. And Brendan's a fucking great guy.

You can follow them on Twitter, but make sure you get all the information to San Francisco Comedy and Burrito Festival or something like that. I know it's in the elbow room, and I just worked through this weekend in Arizona. I had a great time with him. I'm happy, man, that I have my friends call all the time.

I'm happy. I have great friends in life. to take care of me, Lee and Joe Rogan and fucking Red Band. I'm happy in Harry that I have these people around me in my life every day. I'm really happy out things are working out. What's up of you, flying juke? That's it.

You bad motherfucker you. Just work. So everyone who wants to go see Joey in Portland, it's heliumcomedy.com, and it's 888-643-8669. And just go out and see him. That's all. I mean, I go to work every day, so just go see Joey.

I'm sorry that I had to go off on this fucking moment. No, it's funny. It's amazing that you're trying to do something. You do something for free. I mean, Lee didn't fucking work last night, so he obviously got up at 5 in the fucking morning. I went to about 10. I got up at 5 in the morning.

You got some guy fucking screaming at you on fucking Twitter. Like, you know, I know it's not a fucking showtime production. And we're learning. We're trying to get our pieces in here. We're trying to do the best we can. I don't need some fucking guy, whatever this Momo's name, telling us that it's slipping and you deserve better. Some people just so fucking nosy.

Just mind your fucking business. That's rule number one. And it's weird because we had, like today, we had 16,000 people watching. And everyone loves it. And the same happens with the iTunes comments. You could have 800 nice ones, one guy's stupid, and it'll just rule it. And I understand. I understand it was going slow, whatever.

Then fucking wait for it to get on iTunes. But to sit there and keep tweeting and retweeting and retweeting and retweeting, it just lets me know that I don't even want you to fuck around. You know, you're depending too much on it. Oh, my God. It's right, you know, it's too fucking creepy for me. So I don't fucking get. How about a little junior's eyes for these people by Black Sabbath?

Oh, I had war pigs. No, no war. What is it called? Junior's eyes. It's often never say die out. That guy Tabasco called him. I really like Guy Tabasco. I talk to Guy Tabasco a lot.

He's a male man. And it was funny that him and Ronnie live next to each other. And he said he would come home and see Ronnie throwing the fucking male away. Mike Ronnie guys was a character that I'm really proud. out to have in my life. It was as real as fucking cancer having that

motherfucker around. What do you got playing for today, Lee? What are you doing on Columbus Day? You got to work tonight, don't you? I got to work.

I'm 7 o'clock. Yeah. You can still hit a barbecue up, go over? Fuck, I gotta go to sleep. Because I stay up most of the night because I'm working

until 5 o'clock tomorrow morning. So I'm going to do that but everyone have a great day off enjoy it. For those of you who got it and really thanks for listening, guys.

really nice to me and it's uh it's it's cool to be in you deserve to be fucking nice man you get up in the mornings you come down here you do this that's why i love you at uh you know i i the last three years i met a lot of fucking stupid fucking people that you know they call you up with a project and three months later they give up lee's never given up this motherfucker's 24 years old he's never given up and that's what i was telling rogan those guys i'm real proud of this guy let's do some june's eyes cocksucker all right let's lead these guys off i love you guys wednesday morning six a m get your shit together

It's a beautiful day to be alive. Go out there do something. Mug somebody. Do something. Crank that shit, Lee. That's got too strong of a bass to be fucking around with. Listen to Tony Iommi on this. Everybody always says, you know, Al Capone, John Gotti is the bad as a time. It's fucking Tony Iommi. It's a crazy cover for the album. Please.

What is that? A pilot. Okay. But they look like alien or something. Black Sabbath, don't think. Black Sabbath don't talk about aliens. That's these new fucking momos today. Black Sabbath don't need to talk about aliens. You know what I'm saying?

Crank that shit. This week the sound coming.