The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 10/09/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #118

Episode Date: October 9, 2013

Joey's friend George calls in. Also a surprise last minute call from Redban. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 10/08/2013.

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Or just go to joey ds.net and click on the dollar shave club banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's fucking Wednesday. October 9th. Wash your asshole. They mean business out there today. They ain't fucking around.

Oh shit. Are you fucking kidding me or what? We're back, bitches. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with it? It's Wednesday. Wake up. Eat that oatmeal from Jumping Jackson. Take a nice shit.

Wipe that motherfucker with the thing. One wife, Charlie. Put some peppermint in your life. Through your asshole. Who gives a fuck? Your asshole will smell good. Your breath will smell good. You'll be a complete individual. You know what I'm saying?

Groove it. Hit it. Get up, cock suckers. Life is waiting for you. Oh, shit. What's up, baby? I love this song. The song always gets me going. Oh, it gets everybody.

Everybody going. That's a pure heroin. You know, that's a fucking tremendous little jam. What's going on, Ben? I feel great, dude. You look good. What time do you get home from work? Like, 1230.

I go home early last night. And I, I don't know. I mean, the job sucks, but I got home at 1230. Went to bed, got a few hours of sleep. I'll get a few more after we're done. Look at you.

You're looking sharp and shit. You're trying. You put some gel on the fucking head, dude. There's no hair, that's why I get a cut like this, so I don't have to do it. Listen, you got three hairs.

You got to maintain them. That's it. That's all I say. What are you going to do? You can't put a rug on you? You're fucking Lisa. You're the flying Jew. It's either a Yamika or you go straight fucking commando with that hairdo. You know what I'm saying?

Fucking Lisa. It's great to be here. The movie is done shooting, guys. Which means the schedule is back. We're back. You know, it was a great experience. Movies always are. Films shooting films always are.

The film I did was the dog that saved Easter. It's with Dean Kane. I do one a year for, uh, ABC family. I think they're going to expand them this year. Who gives a fuck? You know what? I got a little bit of work.

It went towards my insurance. Because at the end of the week, that's all I give a fuck about is that I have insurance. And every week you always call me, you're like, well, it's dead. And until this week you had stuff to do. Oh, for three weeks. Yeah. For three weeks, I had stuff, and it was pretty hectic

because I had to shoot and then get on a fucking plane. You know, I went to Oregon. Last week I didn't have to fucking get on a plane, but it was the same difference. I worked three 12s last week, which killed. me. You know, fuck, I'm an old man. How do you learn your lines? Do you learn them before you get to set or is it? No, I read the script.

Okay. I make a couple notes in the script. Like, I look at this, I look at that. And then they give you dailies every day. So at night, they shoot me what they're going to cover the next day. And I circle my things, and I line it up. And I learned the lines to a degree. Like, I'm a sidekick. So my lines are like off of his.

So it's usually three or four lines per scene. maybe two, maybe one, and it's all comedy. So it doesn't matter how I get to it, is that I get to it. So I know the lines a little bit. They're not in stone in my head. And then when I get there, we rehearse. Oh, you do rehearse. We rehearse while we block the scene out, you know?

So you rehearse a little bit, and then it really gets. And then once I get there, the first take is usually fucked up, but the second take, I go in there like a fucking savage. And what's really helped me is, you know, I don't fucking toot my horn about anything. but which really helped me is I'm very experienced now around the set. Like, I'm good. Like, I'm good.

Like, when I shoot, there's no wasted time. Like, I know my lines. I know exactly what to do. And I was explaining that when I came here to L.A., you know, every movie paid six-something a day or TV, whatever scale is, sag scale. And then about three years end of being in LA, four years in, I booked something,

and it went to 466. A lot of movies were going down to 466. Mm-hmm. Then SAG did another bargaining agreement, and they went down to 250-something. This isn't for every movie. This is just certain budgeted films. The budget of the film determines what you get paid per day. Well, about five or six years ago, maybe seven, eight years ago,

they started with this ultra-low budget shit, $200,000 and they have to pay you $100 a day. What that means is that it's a skeleton crew. You know, when you work on Spider-Man 2 or analyze that, You have a person shadowing you pretty much all the day. You know, there's three makeup girls, there's four wardrobe people, there's fucking 12 PAs, there's three ADs, you know, there's a thousand people per job. So it flows a little better.

The more smaller the budget, that that chain of commands, you know, get smaller and smaller. Yeah. And then what you do is it gets more and more inexperienced. Because experience, people say, fuck you, I'm not working for 100 a day. Yeah. So they were a little tougher to do.

You know, I was very fortunate. I worked on big films first, and then it went backwards for me. So I know exactly what movements I have to do. But if I would have had to start doing a hundred-hour-day movies, this would have been very hard for me. Because you basically went to acting school on bigger movies. On bigger movies. You follow me?

I was very fortunate. I cut my teeth on, you know, big multi-fucking budget, whether it was taxi or queen. Latifah. Like this movie here had I had to bring donuts yesterday for breakfast. You did? Two days. Yeah, I stopped at Yum Yum Yum donuts and got three dozen donuts for the fucking whatever. Because

there's no food. It's peanuts. It's fucking everything that don't go with everything. It's like there's peanut butter, but then there's like fucking condensed milk. You can't make peanut butter and condensed milk sandwich. You know, they have one breakfast at 7 a.m. at 6. So the movie starts shooting at 7.

So now you want me to get there at 6 just to get a free fucking breakfast pass. They do everything those movies to make it harder, you know. And I've done work for these guys before or whatever, and it's okay, you know. It's like I'm eating all fucking day or whatever. I could care less. I mean, it's nice to have. Like, when I did Spider-Man fucking tooth, they had every type of juice.

You understand me? They had two tables of just juices from Kiwi mixed to Brazilian fucking grape to assay. And then I'll tell you why I wouldn't last it either when I did General Hospital. General Hospital, when I did General Hospital, was when I really learned that you're fucking... When you get to General Hospital, you check it. Like, when you get to a movie set, okay? You walk on with your bag, whatever,

and people see that you're the new guy, and they come up to you. You're looking for somebody? You know, I'm Joey D. Okay, come on over here. You're playing South. Yeah, and they walk into your trailer, and they go, your clothes is in there. Do you want breakfast?

And you go, yeah, and they go, all right, they point you over to the fucking table, or if you want them to bring it to your room, whatever. You know, it's on a TV show, on a movie on a studio lot. And then from there you go to your room and you change and you go to makeup

and then you go back to your trailer and you sit till they need you, you walk to the set and see what's going on, say hello to everybody, rehearse your lines, whatever the fuck it is that you want to do. Okay, but somebody's always with you. You have a question. When I did General Hospital, you basically walk in some hot black chip

gives you a fucking piece of paper with your room info and shit. You go to your room and nobody even talks to you. You don't talk to nobody. You have a room like this with a couch, a bed, a refrigerator, maybe have water in there, maybe they have a couple of diets solos. There's a TV screen, and then there's another monitor,

and that monitor will tell you everything. So as soon as you sit down, there's a piece of paper, your packages there, you got to fill it out, and there's a piece of paperwork that what your lines are for the day, which for that might know them when I walked in because they're not going to improvise in a fucking soap opera. No. So when I walk in, right away, I'll tell you,

rehearsing scene 63 you fucking go right up there boom you're ready they block it boom boom boom you rehearse back now you go to your room and change and now you wait for the model to tell you there's no interaction with nobody you don't even talk to nobody on general hospital you must

love that I did I really you're by yourself you know you bring a book you bring a fucking CD you know you bring an iPod you know I brought an iPod to this thing every day I listen to a little music I listen to the Mark Marned podcast listen I really want to thank Mark Maron and WTF have put me

on the show. Mark Maron, let me tell you something about Mark Maron that I ate, okay? You know I don't like questions. You know what I'm saying? After a while, fucking questions driving me crazy, especially when you open up with a question. Mark Maron is a very good fucking interview, and I'm

very proud that he put me on the show. A lot of people don't put me on nothing. He put me on the show, and he gave me a fucking light, and I want to really thank him. That's the mark of a true comic. You know, there's comedians, and then there's comics and then there's true fucking comics true comics don't have

they're not insecure about helping somebody that's a gift that's a fucking gift I heard so many stories with George Lopez wouldn't take a Mexican out on the road with him you know because he didn't want you know he'd take a black kid out or a white kid I got nothing against nobody

but these are little quirks that comics have you know comics or true comics they help everybody and every that's part of being a boy scot you know this movie, you know what I'm saying? One of the producers on the movie let me and Dean Kane

during rehearsal the other day that he was a Christian. You know, I'm a man of God. I'm a Christian, I don't curse. Meanwhile, there's no food on the fucking... You follow me? Yeah. So yesterday when I showed up with the donuts,

he came right out, and he's eating fucking donuts. He's like, oh my God, I'm going... And I looked at him. I go, that's brought to you by a man, not of God. And I walked away, and he was pale because I hate that shit. Why you gotta tell me you're a fucking Christian for? That's why I get pissed off at Christian.

Nothing personal. But they always got to let you know that they're the answer to God and all that stuff. Where's the donuts, bitch? Would God tell you about the fucking donuts? Didn't God tell you to feed the fucking staff that they're fucking hungry? So there you have it. You understand? You don't have to be a man of God.

You have to be a fucking boy scouts. We have honor. And you help the people around you. I'm not talking about giving them $20 fucking dollars or giving $2,000. I'm talking about maybe making somebody's day. Do you know what I'm saying? That's all you want to do. Once a day because, you know, I have a daughter.

I want somebody to make her day. I have a wife. I want somebody to make a day. I have Lisa. I have a flying Jew. I got red band. I got my nephew. So I want everybody's day to be made.

The only way for them to make your day is by making somebody else's fucking day. And then it works like a circle. It's like a fucking circle jerk. You're going to see that you're going to get a flat pull over and some guys are going to pull over and not want to fuck you in the ears. And I want to stab you and drop you off at breaking bedt house. What's up, Lisa. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? with some fucking novice here.

We're back. It's over. And now we're headed to San Francisco this fucking weekend. And I don't... Listen, I told you two fucking times. They ain't fucking around up there. You're going to eat edible, Saturday. You want to even make the plane Sunday morning.

Did you not hear what happened to me at Cobbs last time I went? Where you threw up in the bathroom. A little piece of shit came out of my ass. I, uh, for people doubting my Judaism, you should have seen... I went all over trying to find... deals for this weekend. And I almost rented a car.

Because it had to be cheaper than getting a cab from the hotel to the airport or whatever. But then I was like, fuck. The way Joey gave me those edibles, I can't be driving a car in a city. I don't know. I was like, I'll pay for a fucking cab. I just imagined your voice in my head when I told you I got a rental car. You'd be like, are you fucking

serious? Are you fucking, are you retarded? It's too complex of a city. Yeah. Listen, man, when I go into a new city, that's nice. You want to be Joe fucking adventure. That's nice. That's great. I've got time for fun of an adventure. All right. Just take me the way the fuck I need to be. I'm going to be fucking around with a GPS.

You know, take me here. Make it all right. At 1.3, take Route 88 East. I don't know where to fuck Route 88 East is or do I give a for a That was a nice burp. That was an honest chocolate fucking shake. I'm back on them for breakfast again. So I'm on the fuck battle just like you.

I said I'm done with eggs. I'm done with the toast. I'm back on the protein powder with the banana in it. You know, when I get home, I eat a little, a special K or something. That's my breakfast. I got to drop the fucking weight, too. And, you know, with weight, you can jump up and down for 22 fucking hours a day. If you're diet

ain't right, you ain't going to lose no fucking weight. So, I got to balance out like Ying with fucking Yang. You know what I'm telling? I absolutely do. So, no, get ready for San Francisco. I'm fucking excited. I'm excited for tomorrow night. I'm excited for Friday. I'm excited for Saturday. You know, and that's what's going on

with me on solely. I'm spoiled. You know, this podcast is fucking tremendous. I really miss doing the podcast on Monday morning. Yeah. It fucked with my whole day. I was depressed Monday, and it was fucked up. I got a call last week one day, like Wednesday, from this lady Cecilia, who is my uncle, my cousins, you know that my cousins in Cuba?

She's Colombian, but she's into music. She's shot a documentary. Her and her husband are like filmmakers. and she is trying to shoot a documentary from my uncle's band and their nephews in Cuba. You know, Emmy and Alfonso and Eki and all that shit. So she goes back and forth to Cuba. So I got in last week she fucking calls me, you know.

And she goes, Jose, you know, blah, blah, blah. I just came back from Cuba and they gave me pictures for you of your mother. Oh, shit. I said, no shit. And she goes, what do you want me to do? I said, well, I tell you what? I'm working on this thing. She was in Malibu.

And I can't get there. I only have Friday and Saturday off. She was going to New York on Friday. So all I had was Thursday after they shot 12 hours. I didn't want to get on the fucking 101 North. No. And hit to Malibu. So I told, you know, could she mail it?

So she called me Friday. She goes, I put it in the mail. Your mom is so cute. So Monday, my wife calls me because you got your card in the mail. You know, and I got home and opened. And it wasn't a picture of my mother with some other fucking lady. Oh. So I fucked my world up because I have no pictures of my family.

You know, I lost them all, really. I have nothing, you know. So my wife wanted a picture to show my daughter, you know, when she got older or whatever. So now we're back to the fucking drawing board. So I was a little bummed about that. But then, like, 9 o'clock at night, I almost called you. I swear to God. Really?

I was like, you know what, Lee? We should just do a fucking podcast at night. And I forgot that you were at work. You know, I... So I missed... this, I really enjoy this, this, this, uh, outlet for me as a, listen, I know, call myself a fucking artist, it's a faggy word, I'm a fucking criminal comic. This is what the fuck I am.

I'm a comedian that got away with murder, you know, that's the only way I can put it, because there's no other way, there's no other way. Uh, so what, it just fucking changes me. When I'm on the set, I'm thinking, what the fuck am I doing? I can be doing a podcast, you know? Like, that's what was going on with me. Like, they're not doing it. third time and then we couldn't figure out whether it do it Sunday morning or Monday you know I don't

like having my time construed that but I need to work from time to time it balances everything to fuck out so for the podcast people it was no disrespect against you I love you guys with all my fucking hard I love doing this I love the whole completion of the circle of going to the shows and getting to meet people and tweeting with them you have no fucking idea it's it's fucking very cool so I'm sorry about last week you know Lisa at would a ran it on his own and shit. We've got a co-host. Nah.

What's up? You're in trouble. Someone's bringing coffee. I don't forget his name right now, but someone's already bringing hummus. I don't do it. Saturday night. Listen,

I got a dressing room with a door ands. The hummus will go for you. You can take all the hummus you want, eating your whole tub on your toes. They had that shit on the fucking table at the fucking thing. With hummus chips. Oh, so what do you come on? Disgusting.

That's great. Pepper hummus. I don't like that shit at all. I don't want to smell it. I don't want to rub it on my skin. I don't want to fucking. I want to rub it on their skin. You do cock suck.

You love that shit. I love it. You rub it all over yourself. Like cucumber juice. Oh, I wouldn't. But that's the main deal. Once you get into this podcasting thing and you get to this interacting with different people from social media, it really changes. It fucked me up.

It's made me a different fucking person. Oh, yeah. And I never really talk about this. So it's weird, but it really, I got kind of a kind of, it freaked me out last night. I never talk about Twitter. I don't tell you guys to follow me because I really honestly. don't, it's not that don't care, but it's not, I don't have anything, I don't have jokes or anything. But I look down with Ascent and I'm at 5,000.

I couldn't, like, I can't even, I didn't even want to be on this thing. And now, like, there's 5,000 people who care what I say about on Twitter. It's just, it was really weird. Well, we're part of something. We're really part of something. You know, we have Dead Squad, who I think, from Dead Squad Illinois to Dead Squad Harlem to Dead Squad, NorCal. I love you, motherfuckers. I love when you come to the shows.

when you email me I love seeing your tweets you know and it's just uh this is the most powerful thing I've ever been involved in like I guys I know you you don't listen to the podcast you think I'm crazy after this that's fine don't listen to me go listen to I'm telling you that when I'm online in the morning with you crazy motherfuckers and I'm smoking dope in my bedroom or my fucking office and you guys were the fuck you're at and you're kind of I we're connecting on an energy level man I feel that fucking energy some morning. Sometimes I break myself out of them. I'm like, what's this fucking trance

that this fucking guy on Twitter got me on? Because they play music too. You know, and it's shit I haven't fucking heard in a long time. You know, this morning my girl fucking Cleo put on Ram Jam, Black Betty. I love all that shit. You know, and so they surprise me. So what I'm giving you guys, you're giving it back

to me. So fucking thank you. It's pretty fucking interesting. I don't get that on the set. Bro, they had me on a fucking trailer that I've been in bigger cells. Seriously, one man's cells I was thinking about the cells The only cell that was almost as small as that

Was fucking, when I was in Jefferson County jail Up there in the fucking mountain Not Jefferson, not Jeffco I was in somewhere in a ski resort Because Boulder transferred me When I got locked up, the weird thing was that There was state overpopulation in the prisons So they were moving people around

So I wanted to stay in Boulder County So I'd get visits and wear clothes and shit. But within three fucking days, they sent me to some county where they have a lot of snow and they ski and shit. Did I tell you about this?

I think so. And there was a cool motherfucking kid in there from New York City. And he had told me a story that what he had done, I read the fucking paper. He got caught with Coke and he cut a deal with the cops

that he was going to have been giving the biggest Coke dealer in the fucking mountains. Oh shit. So he remembered that there was a house that was for rent. Mm-hmm. that he could, that the key was always in the thing.

So he went that afternoon. He had to meet the cops at 8 o'clock and they were going to give him $2,500 or something like that or $50,000. I don't know what the number was, like $8,000 cash. So what he did was, went in the afternoon, put the lights on the house, let the front door open. Okay, listen to this fucking story.

Went in the back, let the front door open, busted the back fucking lock and put his mother back there with a fucking car at 815 at night. Listen to this fucking motherfucker. He pulls up with the cops. They pull up. He walks.

They follow him. He has like a car that's wired or some shit he was telling me. They pull up, they pull up behind him. They're watching. There's like five fucking cop cars. He goes in, knocks in the door, makes me he the door opens, goes in, closes him behind them, walks him with the wire. He's talking and they think they can't get him.

He fucking rips the wire off, opens up the back door, takes the fucking feds his money, gets in his mother's car, and goes back to fucking New York City. and they went back and got him a year later. Jesus. They exudied them back to Colorado for theft and all this shit, but that's a smart fucking move. He got, he's like, fuck, I didn't have nobody to rat on.

They caught me fucking selling a blow. Who am I going to rat on? I'm not going to rat on. Nobody. He goes, so I fucking scammed him. That's how dumb they fucking were. So he took him to the place, went in, and went out to fucking back door.

But he was like the handball king in this prison. This is a fucking cool-ass place. And they let you out all day. And the son was, I had a fucking, I remember when I first got my first visit from my ex-wife, she came, and she's like, fuck, your son tanned. Fuck, how come

you're so dark? Because they had basketball courts and shit that were open. Yeah. Like, everything was wide open. So all you had to do was, and they tell you, at 8 in the morning. You don't want to be in yourself. Go out there and play basketball. I was out there all fucking day. Drawing pictures, whatever the fuck I was doing. And I remember I was there through Halloween.

And every night, the guard would come, like, fucking 8 o'clock, after the showers, and he'd say, what do you guys want? And we'd give them cash. Let's keep cash in ourselves. and he'd go to Safeway for us and buy his chips and fucking onion dip and ice cream and shit and we'd sit around and fucking Sounds like Summer Camp

I'm telling you Give me some music Lee, what the fuck You're sitting there like a fucking bumpy October 9th Get your shit together, cock suckers It's going down Into this fucking savage I heard this the other day

This is one of my first albums Did you know that Lee? LA woman Oh this is a great album This is like Led Zeppelin I had like three or four albums when I bought this. But my mother used to listen to this when I came from Cuba. And she'd make me dance to Mr. Mojo rising at the end when he's going to miss them.

My mom would go, come on down here. I'm on. I'd have to dance and she'd go wiggle your hips like Jim Morris. It's fucking dramatic. Tickory. Oh shit. Get out there. Stab some motherfuck in the lung today.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. Wash that pussy. Breathe, bitches. Whoa. Oh shit. Took a look around, say which way the wind blow. Spark that fucking number. Where is it, Lee? Oh shit.

How are you gonna get out of the house with no fucking TAC jujuice in you? Get out there, you fuck. That's all I'm trying to do is get you ready for those cock suckers out there. It's you and me against fucking them. We're gonna for Uncle Joey Lee, you dirty bastard. I love it. Come in get some of that fucking TAC jujuice. There's a part in this fucking Jam Lee when he goes, I see your hair is. your hair is burning. Hills.

Oh my God, fucking tremendous lyricist today. Stop it. It's up. What are you gonna smoke that thing and you gotta fucking look at it and meditate? I love it. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Please I have.

Yes, it is. Don't have been my Gumbach calling today. L.A. Worma. Are you fucking kidding? That's 20 a life, no parole. That fucking jam right there. If I was to shoot heroin this morning, that's what I listened to.

Well, please don't you're No, I'm not in the mood today. You're not a Lvutte. It's just going to be a T-H-C type of day. You know what I'm saying? That's it. I'm going to go to a doctor. I got to fucking do a thousand things today.

I got to run around. I got to jump up and down at 1230. Oh, I got a needle today. Yeah, I didn't go to acupuncture two weeks each. Oh, you didn't? No, I had to fucking work. I'm going to go to fucking acupuncture. You know, this last time I went home,

fucked with me a little. more than usual. Why this time? Because I realized that was holiday years passed. You know, you never want to really come to the conclusion in your life that your years have passed. A lot of years have passed.

And when I got there, George picked me up, when I got to the hotel and got dropped off. My Gascoly's came down, you know, and then he hung out for a while. And then George came back, and we went into the city, and I saw a different friend of mine than Friday morning. My buddy Bobby Bender picked me up, who I had known since I was

fucking, you know, 12, and we went for a ride and ate breakfast, and then I went to dinner with Carmine Balzano and Political Pete, his son, you know, and it dawned on me that I had known these people all these fucking years. But the one that dawned on me the most was George for a particular situation. I mean, I've known George since we were 15, since freshman fucking summer school. And we didn't become inseparable until, you know, years later. That's funny. I talked to this girl, Denise Mick, the other day, from Facebook. She went to the movies on Sunday and said she saw the trailer and thought of me. Oh, cool.

So she contacted me, and then we were talking, and she was friends with Georgie, too. We've all been friends with fucking George. George is from Cliffside. I put George in a documentary, you know, because there's a few people who really know me, and that's one of the guys that really knows me. But there's a pivotal point in my life. There was a fucking, you know, in the spring. of 85 I was a fucking savage league

I mean I was living in a hotel I was robbing those gas stations but I was also doing this low life type shit like I was going into office buildings and stealing their petty cash and shit like that when the secretary went to pee or whatever the fuck he said you'd go in one of the suit

and just it just all happened one day on one of my mind fucks I'm walking in somewhere in Bergen County maybe Bergenfield I was walking around in Bergenfield, but I was living in Fort Lee. That's like living in Studio City and walking around in Culver City. That's how crazy I was. I would take like a bus to Colver City and walk around

buildings and shit until I found the fucking. And then take a fucking bus back or get a car. That's how crazy I was, Lee. Jesus. And I'm out there plotting. I would just walk. I put my walkman on and just walk until I saw something that was promising. Sometimes I saw something, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I just went for a long fucking walk just to get out and clear my fucking head. I love doing that shit. Three, four hour walk just to clear the coconut. And I hadn't seen this kid in years. I hadn't seen George. It had to be four or five fucking years. I didn't even know how to get a hold of him. So could you imagine walking down the street and looking at a yard and seeing somebody raked the fucking yard? And I look close and it's fucking George. And he comes from behind the yard

and he gives me a hug and we talk and he gives me his fucking number. I put his number in my pocket. And that's what it was. I'm living in Teenac, New Jersey at the time. Or Tenafly. I still probably got a warrant that. It's a misdemeanor, so I don't fucking get it. And I'm sitting, I go home, and this place where I was living,

the son was crazy. He didn't live there either. I told you, I was living in a boarding house. Yeah. The mom had the downstairs, and there was three bedrooms upstairs, and a Spanish kid, myself, and some lady lived upstairs, and nobody ever saw the fucking lady.

I don't know what happened to it. but one day the cops came and they said there was jewelry missing the kid stole it and he brought it to Harlem and it was just a fucked-up story but the cops came and arrested me right after I saw George like maybe four hours after I saw George cops arrested me and like I said had nobody in the world a call it was going to be lubs for the 80th time you know Roger Holloway was going to be one of my friends that were going to go Joey it's fucking 10 o'clock at night on a Tuesday night Are you fucking serious? You're in jail and you need bail money again?

And I just called George. And I went in front of the judge and the bail was 50 bucks or something. So it was no big fucking deal. And then George came and got me and I go, George, just let me 40 bucks for a hotel for one night. Tomorrow I go to work.

Because at the time, I also had jobs. I also tried getting a little construction jobs, you know? And I'll pay you. And he goes, no, no, no, no. You're not going to go to a fucking hotel. you're going to come to my house, you know. And that changed my life. That could have been a turning point because I lived with George for three months.

So let's say it was April, May, and all of June, because I left the 4th of July, 1995. So I lived with George for 90 days. If those 90 days, I would have taken a pinch, a thousand things could have happened in those 90 days. But George slowed me down. You took me off the street. You know, now I had a place to sit for a couple hours. For years, I had nowhere to sit. I had a hotel room.

You know, that I would rent a dirty hotel room and listen to fucking crack holes, suck dick, two doors down, or people yelling and screaming. Now I had a place with a family. They ate dinner at seven. The mother worked, and she came home. They smoked pot.

You know, George smoked pot. And this is what I was a part of, and I always think about how much of a crucial 90-day window that was. How old were you? It was 21 years old, man. Jesus. Yeah, yeah, 2016. I was 22 years old

you know and I was fucking criminalizing 24 7 and from time to time I would get jobs in between the home of you I thought I wanted to go straight after three days of fucking whatever the fuck I go fuck you I ain't going straight I'm going to sell coke or rob people

No that's That's crazy 22 I'm looking at him I'm looking at George I'm going you know 22 So that's basically 28 years

years ago, right? Yeah, wait, yeah. I was 28 years ago and I still talk to this kid and he means more to me now than he ever has, but I didn't know this till I went home. You know, it was him, Carlos Cantero, Bobby Bender, I know these people, you know, Steve Villo came to the fucking show, I know these people way before anything.

They knew me when my mother was alive, which means they knew me when my mother was alive. They knew me those five years afterward when I was hell on two legs. Then they knew me when my mother was alive. me now. They always supported me in my stand-up career. And I kept in touch with them over the years over the last six or seven years that I'm more stable. It's been on. You know, I always wondered about Steve Avila and I sent them little messages. You know, I always kept in touch with James and Ashland and all my other buddies. And George, too. Me and George lost contact.

Yeah, 20, something, 94, we lost contact. 93. This month in 93. I lived with him again. He was out of rehab. I lost contact with George for. about maybe six years and it fucked with me a little bit and I heard he was dead oh shit and then I came to North Bergen and I saw him driving and that was the rest is history you know the rest is history but you know out of I look at my wife I look at stand-up I look at all these little things all these little accomplishments and shit and to me the biggest accomplishment is still having those friends you know what I'm saying like I kept them it's an accomplishment Like you, like, you, we were just talking, and I'm not putting you down, you're my brother.

We were just talking six months ago. I was busting your balls about Ashley. Yeah. You know, and you said to me, because you were a sweetheart of a kid, you said to me, you know, I want her to be around, you know. I want to be friends with her, you know, and I asked you last sadly have you had spoken to her. And you said, no, it's been a while because life takes over. Yeah. It's very hard to remain friends with somebody.

you know, in high school, we're going to be friends forever. You listen to Bon Jovi and, you know, you go fucking stab somebody together, whatever you do to build that bond. But time changes and things go. So all that talk that you were talking that night when you were drunk was bullshit. You keeping in touch and working on it, 28 fucking years. 28 fucking years, I've been talking to this kid. He lived in Colorado with me.

You know, when I got arrested, he was right there. You know, six months later, he came back. We kept in touch. You know. So to me, you could have money, you could have cars, anybody could do that. It's these people that changed your life that touched you somewhere along the line. And to me, it's fucking sacred. It's sacred because they had no reason.

I was a fucking thief. If right now somebody came over and I knew he was a fucking thief, would I open my heart and my, you know, I don't know. So I think back to those times and I think of what these people put up with and the stories they must have heard. And not one time that they judge, they continue to be my fucking friends. You know what I'm saying? So I'm very fortunate for that.

And if you're 20 or you're 30, I really want you to think about that now. Think about the people that fucking mad. Not some jerk off that you play flag football with. I'm talking about the people that fucking were there for you. And you, you can't be friends with everybody because life is going to happen. Like Ashley, she's got a boyfriend now, you got a girlfriend now, right? Yeah. She lives in fucking Northridge.

You live down here, correct? You know, there's traffic all the time. It's very tough to get together. I see you more than anybody because we're to eight blocks apart. We do the podcast. I see DiAgostino because he works at the ha-ha. I go down there and visit him. But besides that, if I lived in Hollywood, I wouldn't see you as much.

No. The girl said, oh, next to have me move. We should move to Santa Monica or something so you can be closer. Joey wouldn't murder me. Joey would kill me first. No, you know, I mean, we could get a studio or something, But the thing is, the point of the story is that, you know, just, I know that it's a very weird age demographic that you guys have. I don't know what age is.

I mean, I get emails from 15-year-olds and 19-year-olds and 30-year-olds and people my fucking age and people older. And we all know, man, that nothing matters in this life if you ain't got the people close to you for you to look at. And you don't even have to say nothing. You know, I love you. Oh, my God. You don't have to fucking say none of that shit. You just know it in your heart and you know it in your eyes. When I look at you, you fucking know.

This motherfucker loves me. Last night I had to brush the cats last night. That's why I didn't go out. Because I hadn't given them attention for a week. I hadn't brushed them. I usually try to brush them and whatever. But the hours were weird. I don't like to do is pet them and pick them up.

I noticed last night, Lulu was full of fucking hair. So last night, before I took a shower, I got my dirty shirt, and I got a sheet and put it down. I got Lulu and I got fucking Allie, and I got fucking super bad. And I brushed them all. Then I sat down and watched Sons of Anarchy, and SuperBack came over and rolled on top of me.

And, you know, he usually just, it's the funniest thing. He gets on this ledge over here. Have you ever seen him do it? Yeah. And he dive bombs? He just dive bombs on you. Boom with his fucking head, and he rubs on you. And I'm looking at this cat's eyes.

Man, this little motherfucker loves me. Just the way he looks at me. Nobody's ever looked at me like that. Just the way he looks at me. But I see my daughter looking at me like that. And I see... Yeah, that spaghettios? Yeah, that SpaghettiOs picked out.

She's a fucking trip, though. She's getting to the point now. She was nine months old yesterday, and it's very funny. It's just a... My household is completely different. She's really taking over the house with her energy, and my wife's in a different level, and that's why I wanted my wife to quit a fucking job.

I can tell us about the money and all that shit. You can only experience this one time. You know, I fucked up the first time when I had Jacqueline. I'm not blowing it again, you know? And that's what you learn with, with age when you become an old loser instead of a young fucking loser you know what I'm saying

well no it's the same thing because I was thinking about you because with the friendship I told you I'm going to my high school best friend's wedding next year and we come we lost touch and it's weird

but it's even weird because of Facebook like it's great for like this stuff but with like your actual people friends who you like you grew up with it kind of makes you think you're close but you're really not because like you never you're never on the phone

and like given like an occasional post. But I was actually thinking like I would always make fun of my parents who like didn't get technology or whatever but for the first time I was like I can't Technology sucks a little bit about it sucks It sucks but I also don't like

Kids are having it now Like kids from the age of 8 We'll have Facebook or whatever And you're like They probably shouldn't And it's like it was the first time I was like I wonder Because I like you're probably gonna want your daughter

To like experience like having friends and like playing, like, what if your daughter went on Facebook or Twitter and was like Little Met Flavor or something? And then, like, I just, it's a weird thing to think about. And I'm not anywhere near ready to have kids, but, like, I have friends on Facebook who I grew up with, not the people from the show. And, like, we'll talk, but I never see them when I go home.

Like, you probably have friends, like when you went back home last time who every week they're like, oh, we miss you, or are we starting on this, and we'll come see you next time. come out but you're only home once a year and oh we couldn't get a sitter this time or the people who actually come out and for you like it means a lot yeah no I keep in touch with people they see me on Facebook and I might you know but I rather call them you know the people I grew up with it pissed like even Danny B he always sends me emails I like when he calls me sometimes

I'm busy yeah but you know he's such a D's he's like you're always bit no I like I like the you know I don't know what podcast that went on I think it was shows that, you know, I don't like tweeting. I don't like, I like, I like tweeting. But communication-wise, I want to hear from you. I want to know what's in your voice, because if I listen to you, I know if there's something wrong with you. Especially my buddies, the people I love and shit, I want them fucking tweeting me or Facebook in me or texting me. Nothing bothers me more than that shit.

You know, that commercial really hit home with me a couple years ago when the guy comes in for one of those printer commercials and he's like, you know, we're down 40%, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, emails and all they should have done. You got to go back out there. It's time for belly of belly sales. You got to shake hands with people, you know. And that's my beef with technology at one point. I have a lot of beefs of technology.

I think that whoever put the camera in the phone is kicking himself in the fucking head right now. He's probably getting a ton of money, but, you know, having a phone in the camera is very fucking nice. But everybody wants to take a fucking picture now, you know, and of everything. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Like, it gives us more distractions in our daily life that's right in front of us. Yeah. You know, I guess Louis C.K. went on Conan or one of those shows, and he went off about the cell phone. Yeah, yeah. How, I really believe, I'm happy he said that. I'm happy somebody who people listen to, you know,

somebody who's up there is saying this finally, that we have to break this addiction we have with a lot of these little things. Do you hear what happened? I forget what city was in. Let me see if I can find it. It was on Twitter yesterday. This guy on a bus. Took out a gun three times, and everyone was on their phone so they didn't see him.

And he just shot this guy in the back of the head. And apparently it wasn't provoked. Let me see if I can find it. Because it was fucking crazy. It's like everybody's from a gun three times to do that. And like, everyone was just on their phone, and they didn't even notice it. Like, let me see if I can find that. It's fucking crazy.

You know, I'm like, I was telling you the other day, people take their phones into the gym and all that shit. That shit, you're just killing your fucking self-to-live. Like me drinking this. fucking diet soda for breakfast. It's like killing yourself to fucking live. You know what I'm saying? I already drank water. I do the doche thing in the morning.

I drank a big glass of water to open up my digestive tract of piss. Then I drink some fucking coffee. Then I drank the fucking protein shake. Then I ate the fucking banana. Now I should have drank some water again, but I'm not in the fucking move for water. And juice is just fucking sugar. So that's my point, people. Oh, San Francisco.

This guy took out a 45 caliber pestle. and took it out three times before he finally got the nerve to shoot the guy. I was like, fuck, that's funny crazy. Everything is becoming New York. Everybody's like this. You're right.

What's up, dog breath? Where you going? I'm over here with the flying fucking Jew talking about life. What's up with you? I'm in general. So I saw that you just... How's the what?

How's Mr. Jew going over there? The flying Joe. I'm doing good, George. How are you doing? Hey, do me a favor Does he know how popular Is in the New York metropolitan area? Yeah, he found out, he has to

play the video for George of shut the window. Okay. George, did you hear the video to this? To what? So when we were outside, you and me and everybody? Oh, it was amazing.

Did you hear the video to it, though? Did you hear the video to it? What, with the clothes, closed the window? Yeah, on YouTube. Did you see all that shit? Yeah, yeah. Oh, all right, I thought you didn't see it. I lived it.

I lived it. And it was a dream come true. Let me tell you. I never heard people chanting. You're a rock star in New York. You're a rock star. We're rock stars, motherfucker. So I saw that you put up some pictures last night.

You put up a picture of like Spider-Man and all his nemesisuses and you had something else. Are you getting ready for New York Comic-Con? New York Comic-Con starts Thursday for the industry and Friday, Saturday, Sunday for the general public.

Now, how many... No, I'm just doing some framing. I'm framing for a client that has a boot there. Okay, so you're not working it. You're not working it the whole time? No, no, I'm going to take my daughter. She's a super geek. She loves that stuff, and, you know,

I just take her to see what she wants to see, you know? It's a nice excuse for an afternoon, and she has a good time, so that's what I do it for. Now, how many different Comic-Conns do you work a year? Every year, it's more and more. San Diego is the king of all Comic-Con. There's nothing like it. I do that one every July.

And then I do about maybe four. I'm actually going to San Antonio, the 23rd. I think there's one in Texas. This is the first time I'm going there. Philadelphia and New York. They do a bunch of them. And you say that stuff, I guess it's work, you know. And I like, you know, I'm a little bit.

or so I like to watch people and these people are definitely have their own niche in life you know, it's just something I'm not really used to but you know what? They have a good time so that's all that matters yeah yeah

now before you call has a flying joint to a Tomicomicon he's got he's got a little bow somewhere some superhero underwear or something I didn't go but It was my birthday this year, and we went down to San Diego on, I think it was one of the last nights. Thanks for that big party, Lee. I really appreciate that.

What happened? I said, thanks for calling me for that big VIP party. Oh, I didn't know. Oh, you didn't know I was there. I know. I'm standing there outside the club with my thumb on my ass. Thank you. I didn't wish you a happy birthday.

I had to do it on Facebook. You were 20 feet away from me. I didn't know you were hanging out there. I would have let you know. I would I call you. Uh-huh. They forget, Georgie Portogee. Oh, my God.

Hey, so let me talk to you about something. Before you called, I was telling Lee that this last time when I went to New York, it really affected me more than any other trips because for the first time, this is how fucking retarded I am, George, and how hard-headed I am. That for the first time, I realized that, you know, George, we've aged. You know, like, it's not a mis-southiness. history anymore. We're getting old and not because we look older, but just the time is fine, you know, and I was telling Lee that I met you. Oh, by the way, guess who I talked to this week,

Denise Mick? Really? Yeah, Denise Mick called me Saturday from the movie theater with her husband that she was watching a movie and she saw the trailer for Grudge Match and she was very proud, you know, blah, blah, so I called her back Sunday and we didn't talk and I called her back Monday. and we spoke for a while, and we spoke about you, and she couldn't believe it.

Get out of here. She didn't remember me. Yeah, yeah. She couldn't fucking believe it, and I was like, you know, Denise, it's been, and that's why I was trying to call you,

it was so weird, because I had been thinking about this and I got off the plane. Just, this last trip really fucked with me, George, because the people I saw or the people I really fucking love.

I didn't just... Anybody, that's the sure. You were just out there, and, you know, It was a different crowd. It was... Well, no, no. I was telling them that you picked me up at the airport,

and then I went home, and then Mike Askeley came by, and we went for a ride, and then the next morning, Bobby Bender came ride, and he dropped me off, and an hour later, Carlos Contaro came by, and he dropped me off, and then you came by, and we went to do something,

and then, you know, it was Friday night, and then we went over, and then Saturday, something else happened. I saw somebody else, and I thought that, you know, it was the first time I didn't see 80 people, but I saw the people that I needed, to see, you know, in my heart.

And there was one point we were outside Saturday night with Mike Roney. And I was looking at you before we ate the 500 milligram brownie. I was looking at you. I don't know if you seen me checking you out. And I was thinking about the time I was walking in Bergenfield and I just bumped into you and you were behind a six-foot fence raking. It was a fly.

Ten of fly. Ten of fly. Yeah, because that's... Ten of fly. And I thought about how you built. me out that night you picked me up and I said to you let me 40 bucks for a hotel room and you go forget it just stay at my mother's house you know and then I'm staying there for a night right no but you had the Mustang but we were gonna get the 40 the next day but it's so weird

George that was 20 fucking eight years ago George. Oh yeah outside the uh that gas station on a turnpike oh yeah after a week I had you out there fucking you were a getaway driver but it's so funny George that those 90 days I stayed with you So many things going to happen That would have changed the course of my life forever Because I was working as a masonry for a guy I was doing construction until we robbed him I robbed him and got the bottle of fucking

Don Perignon You know But the thing was George that if I would have got popped In those 90 days my life would have been completely different You know maybe I wouldn't have got popped and cop Who the fuck knows but It's just amazing the people that made a difference in your life And you really made a difference in mind with those 90 fucking days

And look they became 28 fucking years I'm thinking about if I would have walked past there an hour later what my life would have been like You wouldn't have been there When I pick you up You got pulled over For a broken tail life I was sweating his 20-year-old cop

Had me I'm like, I have a PBA card You're like, show it to me I'm like I don't know where You know, but you look back And I was telling You had a nice trip man

You had it really I think you know You know I was telling these guys That I was telling these guys that I was telling these guys that, you know, you think about the shit that you have, you make payments on a car, and, you know, you have a house, George, and North Bergen, and you make payments on that, you have a daughter, and you think of the things that you share in your life and the things you have. I'll tell you what, man, you have Sammy, you have me, you know, you have people really love you, and at the end of the week, that's all that really fucking matters sometimes. And there's been peaks and valleys, but that's what a real friendship is about.

and uh... and uh... you know I'm trying to get the most out of what we got left and you hop on it enough you know not not hard days but you do have to enjoy yourself worry about all this shit

I'm worried about shit I gotta worry about this fucking insurance with Obamacare you know I could be driving a brand new escalate for health insurance fucking health insurance is fucking expensive man people have and it's not even a health insurance

George it's not even a fucking health insurance it's everything that goes with it because after the health insurance I still got to go to the pharmacy and they always say to me excuse me mr. Diaz the pills he's giving you they're a little expensive like what did I have what did I have six months ago I had an infection and I went to the doctor and there was steroids five days a was a hundred and eighty dollars even with fucking insurance come on if somebody's making ten dollars a fucking hour right and they get that that's half their fucking paycheck. Like when the lady told me she's like if you

you want to get ugly. I couldn't fucking believe it. You know, so even when insurance, I still got to pay a $35 dollar copayment or not me. I pay $20 or something like that. But that's my point. It never fucking ends. You have insurance so you don't have to fucking kill yourself later.

Not so you're fucking, they get raped at every fucking moment. You know that dog, you know when I did my knee surgery? Listen to to this, George. When I had my knee surgery, they look at it and they x-ray But then you have to go for something. I can't think of the fucking word where they put ink or some shit

and they look in there. And they did it to my heart a couple weeks ago, too. They put something in there. They could really see what's going on. So this fucking comp, I guess that the insurance covered everything except $51. Listen to this fucking story, George.

The fucking place is trying to call me for the $51. They put it on my credit bureau. Because they couldn't get a hold of me. They were looking at an old phone number from when I first joined SAG. It's fucking amazing. So for $51 fucking dollars,

my credit's going to go fucking backwards now because insurance, which I fucking pay, didn't pay the 51 on it or some fucking shit. So it never fucking ends, even with goddamn insurance. When I was married to Kathy King, how much fucking insurance did she, that fucking dirty bitch have? Her father owned the Travelers insurance.

We had insurance. We had fucking insurance for everything. It was as expensive as fuck. I remember when she had the baby, we had to take a fucking, loan out. We owed them like $2,000 fucking dollars after we paid. We had 19 different levels of insurance and the fucking baby still cost fucking. That was 23 years ago. You know, when my wife had the baby now with mercy, it cost her who gots. Kaiser picked up fucking

ugats, not a dime. The only thing it cost me was the fucking gas money to drive to Kaiser. So I don't understand what the fuck was going on with insurance, man. I'm sorry to go on a tangent. I get emotional about insurance, you know what I'm saying? I get emotional like Whitney in 87. Well, back at 87, you gave a fake name and went to the hospital. Remember that? Those are the good old days. Jobs.

Plain rides. I used to fly as Lee Syatt, in 83. Way before I knew Lee, I flew as fucking Lee Syatt. You never flew under your own name. You'd have to show my D. Nothing. Unless you pay with a credit card, nobody knows your name. What's your ear?

What is that flying two doing for money? I heard he's rolling in the dough. Who? Who? Who? He's got bitches now. You got to see him. He's got a head, dude.

He still hasn't bought a robe. The motherfucker still hasn't gone for a Jew star, though. I don't understand this. He's got to go for the Jew star, put a big chain with a Jew. That's when you know you've arrived. When you got a Jew star on your fucking chest with diamonds. He likes a little flavor now, huh?

Who? Lee? He's got him a little spicy. Oh, yeah, he's a little Mexican chick. He's, he's going to... That, why don't you go to fucking Samba class, whatever, with her? That's what you should do?

What's the name of that shit? Zumba! You should go Zumboli. I seen them the other night at the Y. They were fucking sweating, dog. I went to the guy on the Epileptical. What are they doing on the Patriots play the raiders? There must be a war.

Must be friggin' love making go law. She doesn't like football, but she likes a baseball, and the mom was making fun of me, because we went to the Dodgers Red Sox game, and the mom was rooting for the Dodgers. And I'm actually rooting for Red Sox Dodgers World Series, just for that reason. Like, they take it seriously.

So who's in the American League playoffs right now? Who's left? Red Sox and the A's, Oakland A's and Detroit is playing tonight, I think, to see who wins. And then it's... The Dodgers against Pittsburgh? Yeah. So that starts Friday.

Probably, yeah, yeah. Where? Here? Oh, fuck. I think it's a pension wins. Right. Oh, wait. Is Pittsburgh and St. Louis still going on?

No, it's not. Okay. Yeah, then it is. Then the Dodgers won last night, so they're not, they're in. Dodgers won Tuesday night. Yeah. Monday night. Monday night.

So they're up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. St. Louis and Pittsburgh has one more game today. And then they'll figure. The winner of that, right. So then they start playing Friday. I think, no, they can't. It's fucking Wednesday. So, George, what else is going on?

Tell me something good, brother. Grandma's in Panama. She can't eat no more cookies. What'd you do with the 500 milligram brownie? Did you eat it yet? Right, no, no, no. I was about to. I was about to.

Like Chris Cross? I'm about to. All those. Those anti-Dolars pretzels in my cabinet, so bad boys all for the weekend. Those anti-Dolores pretzels are fucking delicious, and their fucking stony is fucked. Now I saw a picture that I'm not going to talk about with you

Because I'm gonna make believe I didn't see it With you dressed up like a zombie with a knife in your neck I'm gonna make believe I didn't fucking see that okay I went to the zombie walk and Azbury Park Beautiful Osbury Park New Jersey yeah It's tremendous And what was a zombie walk about? I have no idea

9,000 people dressed up like they're dead And uh I actually just I had a flesh wound I wasn't quite dead. I just sat at the bar and watched the walk. But it was interesting. Interesting. You know, I was a zambolk for years.

You should have made shirts, George. You fucked up. You should have made... Night of a thousand zombies, Italian-style, slinging dick, and taking numbers. You got the slogan. We get the shirts. I'm surprised.

I bet you some of your arms are down there. Those people, they're crazy. I'll tell you, Those friends are insane. These podcast people, they love it. Listen, man, I love them, and they feel it. I fucking go nuts. They know. We don't sense of nothing.

We don't talk. We cover every fucking base. Nobody does that in them. I don't give a fuck about what they think and what they don't fucking think. George, I want them to know that anything, everything is possible to them. You know how I was 28 fucking years ago? I never dreamed about doing it. You were just, I remember you were in a movie, and I was like, how the fuck did you get in that movie? How the fuck did you do it?

And, you know, so this is something that this is bullshit. This is all bullshit. Everything they tell you can't do, you can fucking do. And that's all I want, all these church people are now. Just do it. That's it. The party's over. I was not short of the goal.

You know what I mean? I was in a movie early, and then I'm going to go to H.B. Studios. I'm going to study, you know, the meth thing and all this shit. I went to the city. I went to right to Washington Heights. I didn't go to no classes. I didn't go nowhere. You know?

I just worked. I work the rest of my life. That's it. Amen. Regrets, we all have a few. You have a tremendous fucking frameer, bro. You have a great eye for art. You know, God always gave somebody.

They always gave us something. Finding it is the fucking journey. Remember, when we're fucking born, whoever the fuck makes us, God, Jesus, the devil, Hindu, some fucking black dude with a fucking horn on his head. Whoever the fuck decides gives us something. The journey is finding. it, bro, and making it work

for us, making it pay your bills, making you happy, making you help other people with that fucking thing. That's the thing. We're all born with something. Some with a knife, some with a big dick. There's some chicks that got a tremendous stroke. If you can make money or something that you love. Right or wrong.

Most of us don't. You know what I mean? You find something that you're good at and you can make that shit. It's like a chick with a hot pussy. She don't want to sell it. What the fuck? This is the best pussy I've ever had. It's tight. It smells like flowers, and you don't want to sell this fucking monkey. I wouldn't buy it anyway. But, you know what I'm saying? I mean, you've been

there, you know what I'm talking about? Look at him, he giggling, he's turning red, we're talking about pussy and shit. I just, you said a chick with a great throat, and in Georgia's passed over it, like a great throat. Yeah, sometimes you meet a chick with a great throat. You know what I'm saying? She could sing, she could sling, she could swallow, what the fuck? She eats lops and tails.

So I'm always You put up that tent on your terrace For that little holiday I never saw that till this year So what These Jews they want They're putting like tents on their balcony They're putting tents on their balcony

They're putting tents or something They go in there Oh maybe it's Succa Maybe it's that one? I don't know Yeah So when it just passed I mean I'm an old man Yeah

Yeah It's past by And I never noticed their little tent Yeah, it's a little wooden house I never knew anyone who actually did that. They put their fucking dollar bills out there. They got a little house on an explosive. You touch that thing, your house goes up like fucking

sons of anarchies. You got it? They put a tent outside, and then they hook up the election to their neighbor, and then they're going in and count the money. You know those Jersey Jews. There's nothing like Jersey fucking Jews. They're on a planet all to themselves. They're throwing rocks. They don't give a fuck.

They're out there. I was thinking about Siams the other day, how he he was scamming people he was a one man Jew operation he was a producer of fucking injury that's all he did he had a fucking tooth

he had one tooth but you know what he knew how to do he knew how to sue somebody like there's some people who sue you half ass when he sued you he fucking sued you and he had it planned out from A to Z like he was a fucking injury

producer like that's what he did if you needed money you went to saw him and he could produce an injury for you and have the paperwork done, have the attorneys, have the judge in on it, the hospital was in on it, and he got a commission from everybody, George.

Everybody gave a $20 fucking bill. I still owe him $400 or something from the fucking settlement. He got me, but what are he going to do? Oh, my God, I remember when I left Colorado, what was it, 88, 87, 88. 80, and I started hanging

out again at Billings in Palpark. And all your old buddies were there. All, you know, everybody from North Dublin. They asked to leave. He had all of them. And what they would do is as the bar closed at 3 o'clock, they would walk in front of cars and take pumbles and for the suit a driver. It was like they looked at the Stockman School or something.

So, I mean, every week they were getting hit by cars to make money. And then they would shake the guy down right there. They said, listen, we don't need this shit. Go home, get me a check for $5,000. We'll take care of this. Done. They give you $5,000 cash. You go to the bank the next day, there's no fucking drama.

I'll call my attorney at 9. If I don't hear from you by 9, I'm calling my attorney. I got pictures, and I'm going to go to the hospital just to get security. Because you always go to the hospital just to have that paperwork. You know what I'm saying? And you have it dated with the time. Because if you don't have the hospital report, you got who got. So you always got to get the hospital report.

Even if it's fucking minor. Let me tell you how good the Jew's attorney, the Jew attorneys in Jersey were. There's one particular guy for a friend of mine. She was walking down the street holding groceries. This is how good the Jew attorneys were in Jersey. My friend's wife was walking down the street carrying groceries. And a kid was riding a bike on the street.

A car cut them off. That kid on the bike hit my friend's wife and she fell. She got 100 grand. she sued the property owner those motherfuckers are ruthless what did that poor property owner have to do with that bicycle hitting her that's how ruthless those Jew attorneys are in Jersey

they got direct fucking lines to punch this pilot I love you George thank you very much for calling man what I wanted to just stress to these fucking people was that you know what George you could work on a Disney movie you could have a podcast

you could do all the things people think are cool but if you have no fucking good friends in your life, you have nothing. That's the moral of today's fucking podcast, and I love you with all my heart. And I thank you for being in my life, brother. Go out there and sling some dick. Don't forget, go to Chance, dragging in today,

get an egg roll out of respect for the church of what's happening now. All right, we'll talk with it. Thank you, brother. I love you. I love you. This is what I'm talking about people. One of the funniest calls,

and, like, the last thing I could, like, one of the funniest calls that you did in a while was when you called me, And he said, oh, you haven't checked your bank account in a while? I said, no, I check it every now and then, like when my check comes or whatever. And he said he went off for like five minutes about how a Jew has to check it every 30 seconds. Every 30 seconds, you got to know, just in case the market fucking falls through. What the fuck?

I'm Cuban. I check it twice a day. You got to go online now, check that motherfucker. You should know every hour. You should have a card right here. When you're a Jew, when you're a real Jew, you have an assistant. You pay a guy 15 an hour. Just a once an hour he calls his place.

see how much you got left and he gives you a card. Even why you're talking to people, they just hang your card. Mr. Diaz, you just look at it and see the amount, you're putting your fucking thing. On the hour, every hour. That's how we're doing this, all right? Don't talk. I don't want to hear about your fucking family. I don't want to hear nothing.

Once an hour on the fucking dot. I want a card in my hand. Even if I'm shitting, pass it under the fucking door. Slip it under the door. Even if I'm shitting, if I'm fucking sucking. Look at this chick scratching her arm. Look at it with a little panties on. Oh, yeah.

Bang on the glass. Look at her. She's pale. She got a tattoo on a calf of a snake, that nasty motherfucker. Let me give some shout-offs to some beautiful fucking people today. I'm excited today. I can do a podcast for 10 fucking hours if I had it. I want to just really give a shout out to the Dead Squad family,

from Vancouver to New York City to fucking Illinois to Nashville. You know I love you guys. The NorCal, I love what you're doing, man. And that's how it starts. Castro started by himself. Next thing was a revolution. That's how it started. There was different things going on in different parts of the family.

Nito. Cleo, I love you, sexy bitch. I can't wait until you coming. I get my hands on you. Leon De La Vega over there in fucking Spain, scaring people to death. E. Yoc. He's a new listener.

Eric Costello. And Dave Chink Hooker, whatever this fucking name is. I don't know. I don't like that word chink. I don't use that fucking word chink. And like I said before, we rock hardcore.

No. Here. Boom. Bam. I had a protein shake this morning. Anit has a new vanilla fuck. What are you fucking laughing about? That's a great intro.

On it has a new vanilla shake. Instead of the chocolate, I love the chocolate. I've been drinking the chocolate. How long? I've been drinking the chocolate. And I'm straight with it. But they got a new vanilla. I've called Arb.

He's coming next week. We're going to shoot a video for you, motherfuckers. Listen, go to Honour. They're changing lives. They're making things happen. If you're going to run with a winner, if you're going to run with somebody, you fuck Centrum and all these fake fucking vitamins.

All they give you is fucking gas. I had a protein shake. Before I farted, but that was from last night's apple because I got to take a shit. Not because the protein shake. went by me and I got a fart in public. You know when you drink a protein shiggins got way in it or whatever. You're in a cubicle. You're a fart in a fucking cubicle by yourself. You get your earphones on, your fucking eyebrows start to melt. You don't need that aggravation. That's why you need the best

possible products fucking on the market. Go to on it.com. Check out what they got. Whether it's new mood, I sleep like a baby, the strong bone. My toe is fucking healed. I'm doing jumping jack. In fact, I think I'm going back to kickbox and throw some knees and shit. That's how we do it here, people. Go to honor.com. Pressing what? Church? Church, C-H, you are C-H. If I didn't take the alpha brain this morning, I wouldn't have fucking spelled that correctly. That's how we do it here.

The other thing I want you to do is very importantly. I have not, listen, I got a call two weeks ago from some fucking kid and, you know, we're friends. He works with this guy, and this guy, can he give us some more sponsors? Can we use some more sponsors? And I got to tell you some, I listen to podcasts. I'm an avid listening to fucking podcast.

I love them. Nothing pisses me off more when I got to hear fucking a bunch of advertising okay I do I try to give you guys the same respect we need to give Lee a couple dollars I got to pay for this fucking system here that's the only reason why I have the sponsors so I try to get the possible best deal for you I am now hooked on this fucking dollar shave club the cocoa butter and the razor I changed the razor finally after a month I'm back bitches but I didn't shave this morning so dollar shave club one dollar a month six dollars a month or nine dollars a month you pick the package you pick it

Then you get a fixed income on fucking razors, and you eliminate that for the year. Go with the $6 package. It's what? 72 a fucking year. You can't lose. Somebody comes to you and say, what do you spend on a razor?

72 a year, bitch. And if you're broke, you just put soap on your face with a fucking horse's tail and you shave. You don't need the fucking fancy shaving cream. But the shave butter they have is tremendous. It's not like regular shaving cream that lathers. It clicks on to you so you get to smooth a fucking shave.

It's tremendous. I ain't bullshit in you. That's all I'm trying to tell you, people. You got to fucking rock with what you're, know here. You gotta go with what you know. I love the one. I like the one, Mike Charlie's. Some guy tweeted at me in the Dollar Shave Club saw it. It's like peppermint for your

listery for your asshole and it's true. And what a Dollar Shave Club say? They said truth. It's true. It kind of wakes you up like the first time. You get a little heat like a bang into your asshole. It's nice. You get it kind of like, it's nice. I kind of want to try it. And if you bang one out, you come on

your leg. You can wipe it right off your fucking leg. You can't smoke. It's not like peppment. It's not a fucking sour milk and chlorine. I'm just trying to talk to the people, you know what I do. I kind of want to try it before I'm with the girl the next time and see if she says anything. Like, what's going on there with that raw ass with the girl?

Do you wipe it? Do you stick a towel in there? I shower, but it would... But do you shower before you give her a stabbing, or you shower that morning and walk around with that funky ass all day? And then give her a stab. Who has time? Before you fuck her, you kiss her in the hallway, you take her by the fucking hair,

and you take her in the shower with you. And you wash her snatch and you wash your dick and your asshole and everybody's happy. Me, I like a little pussy with a little dirt to it. Well, it's not dirt, but you can't. It's got that wang to it. There's a little piss, a little sweat mixed in there. Like in the morning, yeah, it's cool to shower and all that stuff. But if you're out all day, you're not going to go like...

Yeah, you got to go wash that ass. You don't want to go fucking and your ass opens and that whole smell of asses in the room. She's on the bottom. She can't bring. That's half the patois. No, no, not rotten ass. That never wrote. Rotten ass.

When you watch porn, you see people sniff. and going, we have to shoot it all over, but don't smell ass? No, there's a reason. Not the ass, but I do love, like, after you're done, and then you go to get a drink and you come back into the room and it smells like it. That's disgusting. You're worth it. You don't like that?

No, I don't like them. Not like ass, but it smells like sex. You don't like that? You like that pussy in the morning? Yeah, of course. Right in the morning, right before. Take that thing off after it's nice and fomented all night. You like that fucking little monkey?

Yeah, you don't like walking back into the room and it smells like sex? No, what? I got to advertise. Who are you advertising? It's for yourself. Who are inviting into your room? Nobody. That's a point. You like smelling your own ass? No. Then what's the problem?

Well, my own ass, yeah. You got to shower before you go in there. No, you can't shower at time. So let's say you take a shower at 6. You pick her up at 6 o'clock at night. That's 12 hours you're running on that rotten ass. You come home, you don't shower before you give her a staph. It would ruin the moment.

We're up we're making out. We're doing that. Sorry, I've got to go shower and you got to do the whole thing. Sure. You want to give her a phone. fresh fucking helmet. You don't want to give a dirty fucking helmet with some artificial juice on it. Gotta get it together. I think you gotta get it together. You can't be fucking rolling.

No one showers every time they have sex. Well, you should try. Out of respects, so you're more uninhibited. It takes girls a lot longer to shower, though. No, they don't. You take them in there with them. That's what you do. You don't have to wash their hair. You're not going to sniff their hair. You're going to sniff their ass and their

pussy and their feet and bite their ankles and do dirty things like that. Why you get me on fire up in the morning? No, my wife said, I'm playing, Mom. What the fuck's wrong with you? Bight her ankle. You got to bite somebody's ankle. What was the last time you've been a woman's ankle?

Never. That's what I'm saying. It's time for you to fucking start, Lee. You know, and hopefully in San Francisco will start in your face and get this move done within our life. I can't wait. I'm going to have a good time in San Francisco.

Next week I'm in Ontario. Right down this corner here. Then the week after that, I'm a South Street Comedy Club in Jackson, motherfucking Tennessee. two hours from I don't even know what a strip of fucking shower is

and shit like that What I don't even know Where's the club Wait Are you talking about the club? No I ain't talking about my little fucking club

Let's see if my man I'll call in right now And shit You Are you gonna call in I'll text you to know I'm calling it We got a special tree for you

Motherfuckus That's my little brother Redband and shit Oh Oh, he's up? Yeah, oh, he's been up. That motherfucker is doing something. He's doing something tonight, that creepy cock suck.

He's been sick, though. Oh, oh, shit. He lost, like, 92 fucking pounds. Let me see where that club is for it. What? Let me find out where that club is so people in Tennessee can go see you. It's in Jackson, Tennessee, Harvey Selt Street comedy. They're supposedly have great fucking Italian food.

What do you want? What's your favorite Italian thing? I love chicken parmesan. Oh, I know you're doing with the cheese, you rub it all over your face like a savage. Absolutely. I like ziti with sauce or maybe half a sausage. It's a meatball. Oh, here we go.

What's up, little brother? What the fuck are you still doing awake? My schedule's all plusped up from being sick. So, like, I slept like 48 hours the last two days. How are you feeling now? Today was the first day I actually ate. I eat like half a bagel and a banana, so I feel a lot better. Now, what do you, did you eat chicken?

Yeah, I went to El Pollo Loco, man, and their chicken is, they buy it from Foster Farms, and me and my friend who ate it with me, we both, like, like, two hours later, got this really bad heat thing. Like, I felt like we just went through a heat lamp, and we couldn't figure out why. We were, like, freaked out. We thought it was, like, an alien or something. But they're saying now that foster farms has a smuggish, whatever, salmonella poisoning going on in California, and already 300 people in, like, the last week, have gotten sick and gone to the hospital and stuff.

And they read off all the symptoms, and it's exactly what I have, exactly, to the key, to, like, shitting every 30 minutes to complete insane dehydration. I had so much dehydration. My tongue was white, and it was just like, it was, like, it was. creepiest thing ever. But whatever. It sucks. But I think I'm getting better. Okay.

But you gotta teach Lee what a stripper shower is. And if you don't know what a stripper shower, it's a great thing. I have no idea. All right. So, like, you take a shower, obviously, every morning or whatever. But then later at night, you know, if you're not doing anything too active, like, Lee is probably not, you know, playing basketball as much as you just do anymore. but you take what it's called a stripper shower

so you don't have to take a second shower you just go in the bathroom get the wash cloth and just put a little soap on it and just wash your main shit like your butt hole your dick and your nipples and stuff I do that when I'm going out but he said when the girlfriend's here to like in the middle of everything be like wait I gotta take a shower

like I do that when I used to go out You've been sitting on your ass for 12 fucking hours editing and tell me in those 12 hours you didn't cut one fucking fart Everyone does. Okay, so that's number one. Point number two, in those 12 hours, a little bit of fucking sweat

dripped out of your asshole at some fucking point. And at point number three, you got up and you walked around, and that sweat fermented on your asshole and sitting there, and you probably have heavy jeans on, so it's just in there rotating. They can't get out. The fucking air from the bottom ain't pulling it down to the fucking bottom.

And you telling me you don't want to wash your fucking ass, you filthy con sucker. No, yeah, that's why you do a stripper shower, maybe even keep a dryer, eating your wallet, you know, for your underwear. You're a sick bastard. I don't mind this trip of shower. You know, I don't mind this trip of shower.

Hey, let me ask you something. You don't know those massage parlors? Can you eat those chicks out? Can you? Yeah, like, would they let you eat that fucking monkey? That's fucking disgusting. But you got to watch out for thrush, man. That's the scary, real thing that can do that.

What's thrush? Thrust is when you get a yeast infection in your mouth. A lot of times you throw us at yeast infection. And when it gets in your mouth, it makes your whole mouth like white and, like, yeasty. And it's like having, like, I don't know, flour in your mouth for like a week. It's bad. And then what do you got to do to get rid of it? I don't know, man.

I never had it, but I can guess. I always got it since I was 12 since I ate Lucy's snowbush. I've had yeast in my mouth, yeast in my fucking eyeballs. I don't give a fuck. So you could really, don't let you eat their pussy, those dirty bitches at the massage. parlors? They let you do anything, man. There's even, I think,

I think when I did a search last, there was seven girls in L.A. at massage parlors that let you do anal with a condom, and three that let you do it without a costume. That is fucking crazy. Yeah.

What the fuck? There's also places that half the times that girls are actually guys, you know, like lady boys, they don't tell you. So there's also lady boys that look like, And when it's a dark massage parlor and they're massaging you, you have no idea of their girl.

What's a lady boy? Come at me again? What the fuck are you talking about? A lady boy is where it's like in Asia, you know, like there's not, especially China. There's not, there's a huge population of men, but not women that kill the women babies, you know. So the men have no women. So a lot of times the boys just dress up as women and, you know, they're like transsexuals pretty much. And they have those here in L.A.

Yeah, they have them a lot. There's a lot of places that have the tranny massage parlors. I'll send you a few. No, no, no, let me explain something. Let me explain something to what's happening. You know, my friend is DiAgostino, and he runs the Ha-ha. And about three years ago, I moved to the Valley. And I hang out at the Ha-ha some nights during the week,

and I go up there early, and I'd see, you know, 50 women walk by. You know, two at a time, one alone. And I thought, what a fucking creepy thing that just women walk on here. times you see a couple and then I put it together that half of them were hookers. Yeah, oh yeah. And I moved down with my life. I don't care. I don't care that they don't do anything for me.

So then I started hearing about massage parlors. Now there's the North Hollywood diner. You know the North Hollywood diner. I guess right across the street they opened them a massage parlor. So the other day I went to get rolling papers at the place next to the ha-ha. They sell blue cigarettes

and rolling papers and the kids real cool. And as I was walking in, I swear to God, Red Band. A girl was walking out that looked like, what's the girl that sings Please don't stop the music? Riyan. Black like that, light skin with little

tiny tits and a tremendous ass with shorts on. And I looked at this girl. I was like, wow. And then when she walked out, the kid goes, she's a hooker. You know, you can fuck her at the hotel. She fucked my buddy, and then he started rattling off about him. And then the Agostino came in and they were talking about all these

places right on Lancasham. No. Oh, no, I'm just what I was going to say. Like, North Hollywood is the capital. Like, Linkerson, every single one of them. So they were telling me that, like, listen, man, I went to one hookahouse. I went to that 1040 club when I was a kid, and they take your dick out and they wash you in a bucket, like those metal buckets, they have a sponge under there, and they'd wash your dick,

and then they put a condom on you, and they'd get on top of you. And I don't, you know, bro, I blacked out. It was like getting fucking molested, you know, and I don't know. When they suck your dick, do they suck it with a condom on too? Some places do, but most places they have a condom on, but they're still good with a condom, and they have, like, those totally illegal condoms that really don't work. They just feel great where they put it on with their mouth. So they'll start giving you a blowjob with no condom on, and you're like, oh, this is fucking awesome.

But then you realize she put a condom on with her mouth, and you don't even realize there's a condom on it. Like, these condoms are, like, the kind you get, you know, at the 99-cent store dumps they're in the back. you know it's it's like they're not real condoms so they were started not so then you know the kid's cousin they're Armenian or whatever

and also like oh his cousins showed up and they started talking about all red band it was like four of them talking about how this one fucked this girl Tuesday for 140 and this guy fucked this chick for 160 and they're talking about how he ate her

and when he said he ate her all bets were off like all bets were up but this is one of the guy goes, bro, I went in there one day, and I didn't have a condom and the chick suck him, his dick with saran wrap on it. I go saran wrap. She goes, yeah, she has rolls of it in the room. They just put it on your dick and suck it there.

You can't fuck them with the saram wrap, but they'll suck your dick with, come on. I fucked the girl with saram wrap. Like in college, that was like, oh, shit, I don't have a condom, so I would be like, oh, I got one over here, I'll be right back. I was, like, wrap my dick and saram wrap, and then she'd feel it. You take her hair band off the nightstand, so it feels like there's like that little rim, you know, to keep the saram wrap on.

You know, you learn something new every fucking day, you know that? You really do. This shit's got me like, we should do a documentary on all this shit. No, no, no, no. This shit has got me crazy, and I'm scared to. I got to be honest with you. Listen, guys, I could tolerate a lot of shit. Like, this week, I couldn't hold the bunny rabbit on the set.

I kept getting anxiety with the bunny rabbit Because he kept scratching me I couldn't hold the bunny rabbit I have different situations Lee And red band I get fucking anxiety from shit I couldn't even dream of going into a massage bottle But I gotta be honest you I really want one time just to see it

But the problem is I think when she takes my cock out I'll run out of that Like I'm one of those crazy motherfuckers Yeah I'm really bad like that The good thing is the good thing is like You lay down naked right She comes in and she just starts massages you. And so, like, the first half

of it, you're just like, oh, my God, this girl's touching my naked body. And so you're getting a heart on right there. And then when she flips you over, you're ready to go, you know? So, like, I was, allegedly, I was nervous the first time I went, but after the first time, it's like fucking crap. You just

want another and another. But I stopped going to those, too many, too many, uh, I don't know, I just felt creepy about it after a while. And are they good looking these chicks? Well, see, that's the problem, man, because you really have to look at the reviews, like, on a website like rubmaps.com. Rubmaps is like Yelp for these massage parts, and you really have to read through all the reviews and find which places have the young girls, which have mostly these places only have one or two girls, and they're like the only people that they own the place.

And so sometimes you go in there and the lady's like 40 years old, and she's been doing it since she was 16, you know. And so it's just kind of like she's just a worn lady. But you go to some of these other places, they're just like, escort's like, hey, I need to make some extra cash. I'm not getting money on Craig's list. So I was a good money from size partners. So you have to figure out which places are good and which ones they're just old ladies.

Old fucking ladies. Can you imagine an old lady giving you a fucking hand job, sucking your pipe? And you're sitting there thinking, Jesus Christ, this could be somebody's mother or grandmother. What the fuck? Like I said, now they let you talk. them like you fuck them the way you would fuck a regular chick you squeeze their

and you pump them and you suck on their neck and all that shit oh yeah they have ones that are called girlfriend experiences they're like GFS and what they do is they pretty much for an hour act like you're your girlfriend like they do everything like after you're done to lay with you and just sleep and like until like the person the madam knocks on the door and it's like one hour you know and then they wake up and like they do everything they pretty much own them for an hour so It's nice.

And, you know, you'll find other secrets out. Like, there's a place in San Diego, my favorite place. And all these students from the college here in Los Angeles, like UCLA, they drive down there on weekends to make money, and so nobody knows them down in San Diego, and then they come up, you know, during the weekday and go to school. So they go down there, though, you know, working so no one knows what they're doing. And they're hot.

So you go down to San Diego, you're getting these 21-year-old. students. That is fucking. This has been an education, red band. This really has. You know, the best is, if you look at, like, your hometown or certain cities, like, I look at Columbus, Ohio, and they're not, like,

into it as much. There's, like, one girl that does all, like, fucks and sucks and everything. There's one girl for the whole city. So that one girl is who everyone in Columbus, Ohio is fucking. So this girl's probably fuck the whole city. And you don't get paranoid about, like, getting a cop?

Like, that's all I'm thinking about. Look, Lee, if I get in trouble for anything, it's going to be drugs or prostitution. Everything else I'll feel bad about. Jesus. So if you get caught with one of those girls in a massage bottle, you get charged, too? Yeah, but I think it's, like, what, a prostitute charge? I don't think that's a big deal, do you? For them or for you?

For me, I don't, for me, I would say what? It's like a weed ticket. I don't know. It's still on your record. you're soliciting a prostitute. What if you hook up with a judge later on when she won't suck your dick because you solicitorate a prostitute?

You got to think of these things. We're comedians. That's fucking crazy. This is crazy. I mean, what I've heard the last three weeks is crazy. This one kid was saying that the place across the street from the no-hold diner

that the chicks are fucking eight. And she's a Spanish trip. Yeah. That she's got great tits, big. She's about 25. He said she had her for a half hour. and he came like four times. She let him fucking come.

Because that's what you said. He owned her for a half hour. I don't know. I don't fucking know. But he said he cracked a nut because he comes real fast. So he gave an extra 50. And he was, I'm going to come real fast. Let me get out of way.

And then fuck you. It's just crazy. I never heard of things like this, man. That is fucking crazy. The big thing in Los Angeles to do now, and I think we know a couple frames who probably have done this, is to go get a legit,

STV test, like a porn test, what the girls have to do every 30 days. And then you put a listing on Craigslist saying that you're making a movie, a porn movie, and you try to get girls out Craigslist. And you can get these girls like these new porn star, one of these, for like $200, $300 for full sex. And you just put a video camera in the room and say that you're making a movie. So that's the better way to do it. That's like the way if you're going to go more than,

twice a month. You just have your fake porn studio that never release the videos. And the chicks will come and bang you? Yeah. And it's safer that way too because they get tested before you, you know, they even come.

You have to be like, you have to have a test, about test. All that to get a piece of ass to control. Wow. Yeah. That is fucking craziness. That really is crazy.

It is crazy. My brother, I love you. What do you got going on today? I'm asleep for a bit See how I Feel when I wake up See if I should go to the doctor or not But I'm feeling a lot better

Since I got to eat I didn't eat for four days straight Joey I don't know if you have ever not Eating for four days But Look at me Look at me

Start hallucinating Oh I know That's a fucking horrible There's UFC fights today though Oh there is? Yeah Good ones Oh

Well probably do that Yeah it's free They start at 2 o'clock So I'm fucking free I think they're off by 7 They're in Brazil Okay, cool

May I'll wake up and watch that Thanks brother Hey Lee Joey Love you Love you guys man Thank you We're doing another live one again Red Ben All right cool

All right brother bye That was cool He was like Fuck he knows all about that crazy shit I gotta get my shit together Even before I was dating the girl That whole getting arrested thing Freaked me out

So they arrest you if you got a massage No I mean No I mean they were not every time But I'm like they always I always see these massage parlor shut down today for fucking the hand jobs. I'm like, oh God, it's not worth it.

That shooting your own porn thing is a good idea. Oh, my God. That's fucking crazy. Because that's basically all it is. All that POV stuff, it's essentially just a guy with a camera. There's no reason we couldn't do it. A guy with a camera. Fuck.

There goes. Another church episode. I hope you got something out of it. We talked about friendship, pornography, fucking masseuses. Ooh, and just having a good old fucking time. Like I said, this weekend, come see me and Lee Saturday night. We're going to be at the fucking Cobbs. I'll be there Thursday, Friday, Saturday with my main man, Ari Shafir, the other great Jew in my heart.

And Lee's coming up for one of the nights. That was a good protein for it right there. I can smell the apple too. Quickly before we let you go, we have Hulu Plus. Two free weeks. Put in the code word Joey, just two free weeks, watch it on TV, PC, all your phones, iPads, they have it there. You can watch this shit anywhere. And let me tell you something.

The other night I had more time and I went on Hulu to see what they had. I'm very fucking impressed. My wife is into it. But I went on to see what they had. I could see myself getting lost in fucking Hulu Plus. Absolutely. For $7.99 a month? $7.99 a month.

And you can watch all the Saturday night live. Say, I forgot. I was going to write it down, but I fucking forgot what they had on there. I was really fucking impressed. And to impress me you got to take the wheel if you're fucking blind. Do yourself a favor. Go to Huluplus.com or go to joey deers. Dot net.

Go to the Huluplus box, putting in the code word. Joe. Well, if you go to joey deers. com, don't have to put in anything. If you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey, then it works. But if you go to go to joey deers. Just click on anything and it works.

Okay, there you go. Just click on, sign up, give them the credit. Whatever the fuck it is. It's $8 a fucking month. And you can watch unlimited fucking television. You can't beat that. And fucking movies. So stop fucking around.

And after you watch a movie, Go in the shower. Shave your pussy. Shave your face, shave your asshole. Go to Dollar Shave Club. Again, either click on the ban on joie Diaz.net or go to fucking the Dollar Shave Club. Click on Press Church.

Yes. And there you have it. You're going to introductory off. You're either get four blades, whatever, one package simple for a dollar a month. That's $12 a fucking year for blades. Or you get the $6 package of $72. Or you get the $9 package, which comes with the butter, and the fucking double blades and the cartridge

and the whole fucking deal. for $9 a month. Who's better than you? And you get that off from us, right here at church, because we love you. We want you to be shaving and your eyebrows

and for you to smell. You shave your asshole? No, but if I had somebody to do it, I'd ask them. Ooh, that'd be weird. I don't even know if I have hair there. Oh, I have a couple of hairs. I pull them sometime.

You'll pull your asshole. It hurts. It's tremendous. It's a complete different patois. I can eat in a pepperman patty. I love you guys. Have a great fucking weekend. I hope to see you in San Francisco.

Next week in Ontario, the week after that in Jackson. Have a great motherfucking weekend. We love you. See you Monday. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar ShaveClub.com.

You'll get high-quality razors sent to your door every month. for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to Dollar Shaveclub.com forward slash church or go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Oh shit. 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. It's the 10 crack commandments.

Oh. What? Man, can't tell me nothing about this car. Can't tell me about this crack. This weed and my hustler, liggins. Uh, uh. The other's on the corner. I forget you, niggas.