The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #101 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It's Monday, September 27th..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Boll & Branch & BetterHelp.com….. Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $150 in Free Bets when you Bet $1 on any Football Game…. Go to https://www.BollAndBranch.com & Try it for FREE for 30days with 15% OFF your 1st set of sheets! Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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Monday, September 27th, Polsmokers. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. The 27th, we did it. The month is almost fucking over. I love it. It's fucking Monday morning. had a great week last week

I don't know if you guys have noticed this fucking month has gone just fucking quick and shit I still remember being the first I remember being the fit and every day I looked at the dates and said what the fuck is going on

now it's the 27th fucking fall is here the fucking leaves are falling it's beautiful out we're in fucking jerr let me tell you some there's something about the East Coast I got to tell you guys, a lot of you guys know this,

a lot of you guys don't. There's nothing better in life. For me, I've always known this. The summer's a fucking humid. They suck dick. I fucking hate humidity. But there's nothing like an East Coast fall and an East Coast spring. From now, from like September 1, let me put it this way.

And ask anybody, fucking New Jersey in the summers are a nightmare. because every weekend are ruined by fucking rain or cloudiness. Ask Mike, God is my witness. Since September 1st, the weekends have been fucking gorgeous. When I tell you gorgeous, I mean 77 degrees, not a cloud in the fucking sky, not even a plane, not a helicopter, nothing, fucking sun out, no humidity. That's what the weekends have been. It's been the weirdest fucking summer here.

The summer was dick. I mean, I enjoyed myself. I went to the pool. I jumped up and down. You know, I worked out. I fucking went to Pittsburgh. It was a great summer. I mean, I stuck to my fucking guns.

But the weather was fucking, like, just shitty. September has been to the point where you don't want to be inside. Like, you're like, fuck this. I'm going on. The mornings are cool. Once the sun goes down and fucking, holy shit. We had a practice Friday night. The girls had softball practice.

It was beautiful Saturday afternoon. But let me tell you something. Once that sun hides behind the fucking trees, you're like, what the fuck? You got to bring a sweatshirt, another sweatshirt, and a sweatshirt for the sweatshirt. But it was a fun fucking weekend. We went to, we had practice Friday night, two games on fucking Saturday. Yeah, they lost both of them. You know, the coach, it's an all-star weekend.

It's an all-star traveling team. So we had to go to fucking Trenton. And the girls were 10 and 11. I remember Mercy being at first base, and it was like a midget standing next to me. Like, that's how big the girl was compared to Mercy. But they did great. They did the best they could, you know.

The coach did it on purpose because he wanted them to, you know, play up a little bit, like just to get when you play. It's like running with a vest on, you know, and then you take the vest off. And you're fucking, you know, like you're flying through the fucking air like Bruce Lee. But when you have the vest on, it puts weight on you. These girls were bigger. They were throwing harder.

But Mercy did great. I was very proud of it. She caught a couple pop-ups. She made a double fucking play, a play at first, and she threw it home, and the girl got her. You know what, man, listen, I'm not a pistol Pete Marevich father. I'm not at home whipping her watching a basement. I'm not, listen. in that dugout

I just want to hear a giggle If I could hear a giggle On the field and in the dugout with her friends Whether they're losing or winning I don't give a fuck She's doing so much Fucking better than what she was doing in L.A. So much

Fucking today I had her out early Yes Sunday day Before we went to church I had her out early Playing with the fucking neighbors Let me tell you something guys She has these two little neighbor buddies I mean, she's got all these little girlfriends and kids from school and the parents we roll with.

But the neighbor kids and her are all she needs. I could tell. Let me tell you some. She's going to end up dating that kid from across the street. I can just tell. I know my daughter. I know my daughter. Her and him, he's 10, Mercy's 8, but they get along perfectly.

They're both geeks. They're into that, you know, fucking coding and all that stuff. when they get on the computer together. I went to the practice. I went to the football practice. Just some night nights during the week. I meet the other parents. Their sons have games.

And I go to their football practice. I watch. I talk. We bullshit. We get out. We get some air. We look at the bats. You know what I'm saying?

There's fucking bats over there. So Mercy was there with Frankie. And they said, can we go over to the park? I go, yeah. Now, the park is far away. I can't really see him. There's nothing going on at that park. you know but after 15 20 minutes i walk over i gotta take a pee anyway and i check on them there's a

thousand kids at the park at fucking 630 it's amazing it's like jersey when i was growing up here when i walk over there to see what's going on like there's a bunch of kids and i'm like i can't recognize mercy and all of a sudden i look at one of the tables and i see mercy and little frankie sitting there fucking having a great time you know like just giggling and looking at the computer and i'm like these fucking kids you know they're just and then he has a little sister she's a year younger than mercy

maybe two years younger than mercy and they get along great so everything I have everything I need is right in front of the fucking house uh went to the San Giro Feast and Manalapan holy shit holy shit the line for the fucking Zeppelis

was from here to Philadelphia I was like I'm not getting on that but I did get myself a little motherfucking sausage sandwich, a hot, sausage and peppers. Holy shit, it was fucking good. This wasn't a truck. This was a stand with some old Catholics working on this motherfucker. Catholics know how to make sausage and fucking peppers.

It was tremendous. I hadn't been to a fucking San Giro Feast since 1984 over in Little Italy. The San Giro Feast is going on a little Italy, but I'm not going over there. No, I'm not fucking going on. over there. I have a little feast over here. They had Zeppelis. They had lobster rolls. They had Italian ice. They had five shrimp for a dollar. Five nice like shrimp cocktails. Dollars. I had like two of them. I'm like, give me 10 fucking five shrimps for a dollar. I talked to a few people. They had a little petting zoo. Mercy had a great time with the fucking petting zoo. And that was it, man. I went to acupuncture last week. I went to fucking jujitsu last week and i gotta be honest with you it was like i told the fucking dude i go you know sean is a great coach great kid i mean i have hit the jackpot with this kid all we're going to do is we're going to do some basics for a few weeks everything from the close guard and then i'm actually

going to join the school i'm not going to fuck around i need to meet people i need to get some camarader in my life i need to fucking get out there and do more things Mike and I were talking about the other day. There's no open mics for Mike. I mean, shit has not really opened up to the fullest in our world. A lot of these places where Mike used to go, they're not opening, you know, but still, I got to change my life around. It's starting to change. I've done a great job the last 90 days.

I've really got to be honest with you guys. I've really focused down on a lot of things. I'm healthier. The anxiety has dropped. fucking 50% I'm probably running at 85% right now and it feels great. I'm getting great sleep

my workouts are great you know just me going to jihitsu I told Sean on the way out the idea I go this wasn't about Jiu Jitsu this was about me getting healthier you know I'm 58 obviously I'm a fucking old man I'm not planning on going to

the Pan Americans or fucking you know ACDC whatever the fucking tournament is all I want to do is just be healthy and my mind to be healthy and if it means going and sweating on some people and some people sweating on me and shit it's great that's all it is I'm not planning on being a it's like the guitar I just want to play it as therapy you know that's it I'm playing my little smoke on the water it sounds like fucking uh I don't know it sounds like fucking apocalypse now on the water you know but I try my fucking best you know

The UFC was great last night. My heart goes out to Brian Ortega. He fought a fucking tremendous fight. You know, he never stopped, and that's what you want to see from those fights. The Diaz-Lala fight, we all knew what the result was going to be of that. I was going to bet it,

but there was no money in the fight. I bet $25 on Robbie Lola to knock him out in the fucking... I put the second round. instead of the third, I would have won $250 on a $25 bet. So that was the only thing I fought on the, that's the only bet I made on the fucking card. I thought Ortega would give, I thought he was going to surprise him, but I was wrong. I finally got beat up at the UFC. Ortega took a fucking beat, but he kept pushing.

Diaz, listen, man, the Diaz is, I don't think they want to fight. They want to, they want to fight like I want to do comedy. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's always in the back burner, but you really don't want to do it. And when you do it, it's a force. Do you see what I'm trying to say to you? You can't fake the funk, guys. You can never fake the funk.

If you don't want to do something, move the fuck on. Don't do it because of money. Do it because you really want to be in there. It's so weird how I met so many people the last 10 years of my comedy career, more than the beginning that were just in this for the fucking dough. Like, they didn't love it. They didn't like sitting there. and fucking, you know, writing.

They just, it was whatever made them dough. They would tell you, what do you think I could make more dough doing this or doing it? What about liking it? How about liking it? That's, that's a definite fucking path to unhappiness. It's doing something you don't like. And you're hearing it from me because I've always loved comedy.

I've adored comedy. But for the last four years after 2016, I was struggling. I was really struggling and I didn't know it. I didn't know it. to the pandemic hit. So thank God for the pandemic. A lot of people fucking changed their minds about a lot of things after the motherfucking pandemic.

It's just not me. So I don't feel like I'm a fucking freak here for not wanting to do what I was doing before. Sometimes in life you just need to step back and watch the game play and watch it. You jump back in when the time is right? If the time is right. And that's it. I'm happy with that. That's what I've told myself.

that's the bullshit story I've fucking served myself on a platter and I'm gonna stick to it that's what it's about you know what I'm saying something happened this weekend a lot of things happen that don't

like a lot of things happen in life that affect you guys like you'll hit me up on Twitter what do you think of it is oh my God and I'll go who gives a fuck you know like what how does it affect your fucking life

you know and it's a bad attitude to have because I don't really respond to a lot of things. I respond to the weirdest things that happen in the media. I don't really give a fuck what's going on. You know, things are going to happen.

They're going to blow it up. They're going to try to blow smoke up your ass. What's fucking new, you know? But something happened Thursday night that really didn't affect me. It just makes me think. One of the things I hate the most about what I do, one of the things I hate the most about

I don't know if it's my job I don't know how to describe This one of the things I fucking hate the most Is when people are wasting talent I was Very guilty of this For fucking years For years I was guilty of this

And it And it bothered me while I was doing it It bothered the fuck out of me I knew I was doing it And that's the definition of insanity Doing the same thing over and over again if

doing the same thing over and over again knowing that it's fucking wrong. You know, that's the definition. Every time I did a line of Coke, yeah, I was having a great time. But at the same time, I'm like, this is fucking crazy.

This is just, this is what it is. It's insanity. Doing the same fucking thing over and over again with the same motherfucking results, you know? So,

sad, Thursday night I was doing something. I don't know. What the fuck I was doing what I usually do. Mercy had kickboxing, whatever, getting ready. And I saw it they were doing the Hall of Fame Inductions for the UFC. Great, you know, no biggie.

I saw GSP with this trainer. Farouk, whatever his name is, for Hobb. Fucking great trainer, smart as fuck. I saw a bunch of other people there. But I saw John Jones. He looked fucking yoke. He looked happy. I was like, fuck, look at John, man.

He looks fucking great. He's going up to two fucking 70. That's that strength lifting. He looks stronger and a fucking bold. Not that he wasn't a fucking elite athlete before. And I'm like, fuck, man. I'm happy for him. He got inducted into the Hall of Fame and blah, blah, blah.

And, you know, this is great. And I didn't think anything else of it. I was involved with my own shit. You know, I'm trying to write a fucking book. I'm trying to outline a chapter. Who the fuck knows what I was doing? Friday morning, I wake up, you know, whatever. I go to the gym.

I practice the guitar. I don't know. Whatever the fuck I do on Fridays, you know? I don't even know what I did yesterday, and it's fucking Monday. And yesterday I went to Jimmy's for football. Fucking great time. Watch Vegas against Miami. It was the return of Tony Bondi, one of the funniest guys in America.

I know what I fucking do every day. I'm just fucking with. you guys. I just got to take a minute to think about it. You know what I'm saying? I got scratch my head and go, what did I have for fucking lunch yesterday? But yeah, when I woke up Friday, you know, whatever the fuck was going on. Then at one point

in the afternoon, I heard John Jones had been arrested. One of my friends called me. He goes, you see John Jones got arrested? And I'm like, no, he didn't. He just won the Hall of Fame. Maybe it's an old article or whatever. He's like, no, that motherfucker got arrested. And I'm like, okay, so I got home later on,

whatever the fuck that night. I think I remember. and I went online and he got arrested for domestic battery, something else, and assault, and I'm like 5.30 in the fucking morning. I'm like, what the fuck happened?

He was just at the Vegas thing Thursday night, so that means he must have stayed out and some shit must have happened. I'm like, this is fucking crazy. At this kid, then I heard Dana White say that fucking, you know,

every time he comes to Vegas, he's got to sweat it out, the fucking kid's crazy and shit. I'm like, Listen, guys, I'm a big fan of John Jones, professionally and as a human being. I've always looked at John as, you know, like me. When I was 28, 25, I was kidnapping people. But in my 30s, shit got better for me, you know what I'm saying?

Like, you know, a little bit. You know, in my 40s, they got way better. But I look at John, I see a young man. I see a talented young fucking man, but I also see a guy that's been overwhelmed. You know, when somebody gets overwhelmed in life, you have problems. You know, thank God, thank God. I never had, I had zero success in my 20s.

Like, thank God I was never good at anything. I never received an accolade in my fucking 20s. All I was was a fucking, the only accolade I got was my, the judge sentencing me to fucking four to 60 years. That's the only accolade I fucking got in my 20s. But thank God, because I wouldn't be able to handle it. You know, people are going crazy about McGregor. Well, what do you think happens when you throw $150 million at a fucking kid?

They're kids. And the punches to the head, don't fucking help. And the smoke blowing up your ass, don't fucking help. People telling you you're the greatest. Don't fucking help. It all works on your psyche and a way. way that you've never fucking seen it unless you've been there. I saw it in Hollywood for years. I saw these kids being given. There's a show called Home Economics on ABC. And it's a new show.

Nobody's going to watch the fucking thing. It's no danger watching at Home Economics. I don't even recognize anybody in the show. I don't know who the fucking ABC puts these shows on. You know, Home Economics. Again, fucking Miss Pat got the second season order of BET. The numbers were fucking tremendous, but ABC's putting on home economics, you know, about a family who strives together and gets fucked up by wealth. Just who gives a fuck? Well, my point is that one of the guys on the show is the kid I did Happy Ow with. Like in 19, I don't fucking know, 2004 or 3, I booked this fucking pilot called Happy Ow.

It was one of my many fucking pilot bookings. All of them are horrific pilots, right? Except for Bronx County, but we'll get to that some other time. Fucking, you know, all of them were horrific fucking pilots. This Happy Hour was a big pilot at Fox.

Fox was putting a lot around this fucking Happy Hour thing. So they had the original cast, you know, and they just needed a couple extra bolts put into the fucking cast. What they needed was an injection of funny in the show. And I knew one of the guys on the show and he's like, dog, we need an injection of fucking funny.

Like I said to your motherfuckers, whenever you're putting the show together, yeah, you call the improv and the laugh factory and they'll give you all the witty comics. But when you want a funny motherfucker to come into your fucking set, you call the comedy store. Why?

Because we're the fucking Marines of comedy. We'll go down there and start blowing shit up and fucking gadgets and you know what's that fucking movie with the helicopter Snake Pit 40 fucking you know forget yeah Air Force 90 whatever the fuck it is. I don't fucking know we that's what we do we come in and blow the fucking join up So the dude calls me I go down there I fucking uh you know I audition blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and uh I get the fucking row Now I get there And guys When I walk on a fucking set I'm a fucking professional

What does that mean I'm not like any other comic I don't try to steal the thunder I go I go on my fucking corner I take my sides I learn my sides And I shut my fucking mouth

I don't speak unless I'm spoken Even back then Even back then even more Because I didn't have the confidence I had towards the end This is early on When I didn't really know What was going on

I was still doing coke And I wasn't telling people to go fuck them so yet. If you would go off on me, I'd fucking take the ear beating from me and go on my fucking corner because I didn't want my little secret to get out. So I get to this fucking table read that, you know, they're okay. But I'm fucking funny guys. You know, on this, whatever the guy wrote for me was great. And I'm really blowing up this fucking scene. And I could tell that these other fucking shit mix, none of them fucking like what I'm doing. You know, they were all

young, you know, they were all very young. One guy came from the commercial life. He had booked a lot of commercials. The other chick was an improv chick from Boston. You know, like, what do they call those people? That, you know, not the groundlings, but the other one, whoever the fuck? They're just as bad, too. It doesn't really matter. And the other guy was the kid from

Happy Hour, John. Who's a great guy? You know, I'm not saying anything about a homey, economics john is his name not a bad guy he was always a very good guy and he knew who the fuck i was and he knew what i could do i don't know why he came to me he's like that shit's fucking hilarious but as the days went on there are rehearsals i could tell that they didn't fucking like me they were turning on me because they they weren't funny between the four of them put together they couldn't say a fucking funny thing they'd never said a funny thing in their life I could see it that didn't start liking me.

And I shot the pilot. We were done. Ha ha ha ha's and he he's. You were amazing. All that bullshit, you know. And come pick up. The show got picked up. I never heard fucking not a word from these motherfuckers.

Not even a fucking friendly fuck you that I hear from these cock suckers. No big deal. Austin they start shooting and I called my friend. I go, hey dog, not for nothing. And I went in there and did my job and got the show picked up. Put some laps in there. Help the other guy with some of their lines. What?

Nobody's calling me to fuck back. And he's like, let me get back to you. You know, so you called me back like three days later. He's like, listen, can I talk to him about something? It was the first show that the people from the 70s show, the people who created the 70s show, this was their first show after the 70s show. So, you know, whatever. They're the ones that hired me.

They liked me. So I knew they liked me. They were talking to me during the thing. And we're like, we'll see you in September if the show gets picked up. But all of a sudden, now I'm not hearing from them. So I call the fucking kid one day. And I go, what's going on? And he calls me.

He goes, let me call you back when I got a minute. And he goes, listen, I don't know how to say this to you. He goes, Joey, I love you. I'm the one that gave you the job. But he goes, some of the cast members. don't like you. You know, he goes, they just don't like you. One guy said that you smelled like reef,

one guy said this, one guy said that. He goes, it's all bullshit. I could tell that you kind of intimidate him. You know, your experience, you know, what the fuck you're doing, you know. And I'll never forget that. Like, they never used me. You know, my feelings were a little hurt, obviously. I was green.

I didn't know what was going on. But, like, I took it like a man. I go, fuck it. On to the next one, no big deal. And I had a gig at that place of Rogan one night, that improv place where a lot of them had come from. And when I went to eat dinner, there was a sushi place next to him when I was eating dinner.

I saw a couple of the people from the pilot. And they were like, fucking pale. They wouldn't say shit to me, you know. And you know me, I got to walk over. I got to walk over and say hello. And I just want to let them know that I knew what they did. I wasn't angry. And that good luck to them.

And when I walked over, they were like shitting pickles. And I was like, hey, it's okay. You know, I'm here to do comedy, blah, blah, blah. You know, good luck to you guys. The fucking girl told me she bought a house. You know, and the fucking kid told me he bought a house. Not the kid from Home Economics. The kid that came from the commercial world.

They were like bragging. They bought these houses with the pilot and that, you know, they were on episode three when I saw them. Well, guess what? I left there. I didn't think anything bad of them. When I left there, maybe a week later, the show got canceled. So I always thought about those two idiots that bought houses and what they were going to do now. She was like an improv teacher.

What's that pay? A dollar a fucking day. You make more fucking money. you know, so they were young. That's the point of their story. They were fucking young. And they just didn't know. They got caught up in the whim.

The show got canceled. They had to move on. I never saw them again. I saw the commercial kid at a couple commercial auditions. He wouldn't even make eye contact. And then one day I went to the YMCA and I saw the guy, John, from Home Economics, the ABC show. And I remember he came over and he goes, hey man, like a man.

That's why I love John. Like a man, he came over. And he said, hey, man, I didn't like what they did to you. I wasn't a part of that. He always spoke to me when I was on the set, so I knew he wasn't lying to me. And I appreciated it, but that's what happens when you're young. We've seen it a thousand fucking times. You can't handle what's coming at you.

Let me tell you something. if you would have gave me like a fucking anything anything any amount of money when i was snorting 35 37 i wouldn't show up to the set the next day i was one of those guys dog i just wouldn't show i didn't give a fuck you know thank god i did basketball and i kept up with that and all you know i never really but the word was getting out i made a few mistakes on the longest yard you know i was young i was a junkie never mind i was young i was long in the fucking tooth i was a old man already in my 40s, but when you're young, you just don't know how

to fucking handle this. And that's what they've done with John Jones. And the reason why I was kind of blown away was because I thought he had this under control. We haven't heard nothing from him in a couple of years.

You know, maybe a year and a half, two years. You know, I think he got into trouble in Albuquerque and a fucking strip club. But really quick, before we move on, I got to to you about some people that have really helped me out. There's two things that have really helped me the last three months. You guys know I was struggling, the last three or four months.

Like I said last week, if you listened to the podcast, the early episodes up to maybe December or January, I was really struggling to find words. I was struggling to hold thoughts. I was struggling to keep my thoughts together. One thing that really has always helped me is journaling. The other thing that helped me, because it's a, You got to attack this type of shit. It's like a three-prong operation, you know.

It's like a three-prong. You got to cover this shit. And I remember from my halfway house days that you got to cover all this shit from three different prongs. So, you know, I started journaling. I started taking an alpha brain. And I did something that I never fucking thought I would do. I started talking to a therapist at BetterHelp.

Okay, the joint is brought to you by Better Help today. What's standing in your way are you achieving your goals? You could figure it out with Better Help. I figured it out. Better Help is therapy for the 21st century. This is not a crisis hotline. This is not self-help. Better Help is professional therapy, and it's all downline line. It's all remote, no waiting room, no couches.

It's a flexible schedule. You get a great match. They'll put you together with a licensed therapist who's right for you. The most important part of therapy is you need to speak to something. you feel like you could talk to somebody who gets you. I have dear friends and I talk to them all the time but it wasn't cutting it this time. This time I needed a little bit more help. Something was bothering me and I needed to identify what was bothering me the fucking triggers

and what was creating this fucking anxiety in my life. And better help came through for me. My therapist's name is Dana. If you're struggling, this might be something that will work for you. inexpensive. It doesn't cost you an arm and a leg. Right now, because of the pandemic, this fucking pandemic is making everybody's mental health go upside down. So you cannot find a good therapist. You're going to have to go online with better help. It's cheap. It's inexpensive. You can make your own schedule. I see her every two weeks. If I need to see her, you can message

them. They get right back to you after their session. I mean, this is a great option. I mean, this is a great option for you and you do it right from the privacy of your own home nobody knows you got to do it but when i do it i'll do it in the morning i come back here i turn the light on i put my little computer on you could do it over the computer you could do it over zoom you could do it over the fucking phone it works and it helps do me a favor it's affordable you don't have to be a fancy-ass new yorker and they have financial aid available that you can't beat better help is 100% remote and available world wide. So if you're in Spain, you could do it.

If you're in Germany, you could do it. Trust me, it helps to have somebody from outside your world to talk to. It's easy to schedule, it's affordable, and it'll take a big load off your mind. Now, for the listeners from the joint family, this is what we're doing. BetterHelp has a great offer to get you started. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz

And what I'm going to do is I'm going to get you 10% off on your first month That's BetterHelp H-E-L-P dot com slash Diaz Get better help And start living a happier life Identify what the hell is bothering you

And take care of it like I did I didn't know what was eating away at me I had like three or four things That were eaten away at me And ever since I got together with Better Help I feel better I'm acting better. I'm making better choices.

And it's working. So I'm here to tell you. Go to BetterHelp.com, press in Joey. And I'm going to save you 10% off your first month just to get the ball started. You know, therapy ain't for anybody. You know, I don't do it for long.

It's like a half hour on there. I don't need to sit there on the couch. There's no watches in front of your eyeballs. There's none of that shit. I'm still right. My goals. I'm still doing all that shit. And the difference about,

Jiu-Jitsu for me this time, the last time, I got a notebook. Last time I was on this thing, B.J., whatever, where you write down what you learn. But that's not what I was doing wrong. You know what I wasn't doing, what I was doing wrong when I went to Jiu-Tit-Suh last time? I didn't have a J-Jitsu goal. So this time I made a goal. I'm not going to tell you, because I'm embarrassed. I'll tell you in a few weeks when I get up to it, but I'm embarrassed.

So I'll tell you what, I made a goal for my 60th birthday. So that puts me away from a year and a half. So that's how you do it. Back to John Jones, it breaks my heart. Because nothing breaks my heart more than wasted talent. I was wasted talent. Not that I knew I was going to be a fucking comment or be in the movies or voiceovers and shit,

but I knew as a human being, I wasn't doing myself any favors by continuing to live the life that I was living. I'm not good at a lot of things. I'm not fucking good at a lot of things. I know that for a fact. I struggle with the guitar. I struggle with jujitsu.

I'm good at maybe two things. Fucking bullshitting and lifting weights. That's it. I don't know anything else. It's scary. I don't have any fucking skills. You know, it's fucking scary. But one skill I do have that I could help anybody with that I know this is life coaching.

You know, and I did it all myself. I didn't fucking go talk to anybody. I didn't know what I was doing. You know, like I told you guys, 10 years ago, it wouldn't even be a thought for me to talk to somebody. I don't like talking to people about my fucking problems. I rather tell you my fucking problems than one person one-on-one brow beating you right now. When I tell you my shit, you can't judge me. You're just sitting at home going, holy shit, Joey.

I didn't fucking know about that. It's not like you're going to go, whoa, I didn't know you fucking kidnap somebody. You know, none of that shit. So that's why it's easy for me to talk to you guys. But I did it. Listen, man, let's talk about something that's a fucking reality. You know, I don't like to fucking pat myself in the back. I haven't had police contact since 1997.

I got pulled over maybe twice, one for a... I was looking at my phone, and the cop pulled me over. And another time, I was speeding on the way home, coming home from the five. I think two years ago I was going to Jiu-Jitsu, and the cop seen me look at my screen. He pulled me over. but as far as like anything like that, I have not had police contact since 1997. When I got out of prison in 80 fucking 9,

I was the captain of fucking police contact. If you guys remember me telling you a story, February 3rd, 1990, when my daughter Jacqueline was born that morning, I had just gotten out of the halfway house. And I had fucking, I got into a fistfight in the cops game, and they let me go. I got 20 fucking stories like that that happened to me after I got out of prison. I didn't learn my lesson when I got out of prison.

I did, but I didn't. The reason why things were always fucking going bat shit crazy around me was, you ready for this? And I'll tell you, honest to God, cocaine. When you're doing cocaine, even if you're staying at home, shit's going to happen in your life that you're not going to explain. Because it's bad fucking luck. It's just bad fucking look.

How do I know? Because I fucking lived it. I know what it is to happen. Be knee deep in fucking cocaine. You're never safe. You're never home. You could pick up a girl one night at a bar, come home to your house,

do a couple lines. Next thing you know, your paranoia's got the best of you think your girl took a fucking line of Coke like shotgun dug when I told you guys that story last year. And next thing you know, the cops are coming to your house. because you're yelling at the fucking girl.

Now you got domestic fucking violence. You got fucking possession of cocaine. God knows what else you have in the fucking house. But trust me, I'm not listening. If John Jones is watching this or whatever, I'm not saying you're doing coke. But there's something that has to be going on. There's two things, okay?

There's two things you could do. And this is how I don't want you guys to think that I'm saying that I'm smarter when you guys and anything. Last night, my cousin called me a Saturday night when I was watching the fights. My cousin called me, Roloffito. I didn't pick up because I had a friend of mine here, and I didn't want to be rude. But he was my cousin from Florida. His father, my mother was his sister's godmother. But we were always like cousins and shit like that.

You know how it is. He called the other night. We talked for a little while. Whatever. I forgot what the fuck I was going to tell you, The fuckers. Holy shit. I got to do something

about my life. No. What's that? Was that on it at? Yeah, I got, where's that fucking, that fucking alpha brain? That shit brought me back.

Like Roefito, the other. He called, I don't know what the fuck I was doing. I was watching the U.S. C fight, whatever the fuck. And I don't know. Well, anyway,

what I was talking about was that there's two, oh, when I was a kid, I went to Miami one time, and Rodolfo, his father, my cousin's father, my uncle Rodolfito's father, was on probation for a weapons charge or something.

But the probation they had put him on was sundown, son up to sundown. That's what the probation program was called. So you're allowed out, son up, and you have to be down by sundown. You have to be in the house by sundown. I didn't think it would make a difference. Okay.

But it does. You know, Chris Rock has a great fucking line from one of his earliest specials. Nothing good is going to happen if you go to the ATM at 2 in the morning. Nothing good comes from that. When you go to the ATM at 2 in the morning, it's definitely for something bad, okay? When you're out at night, and listen, you're hearing it from me. I experimented for years on how to change my life. and you've heard me tell these fucking stories

and you know where I'm going with this. You got to remember, I was a fucking hellion until I was till 1997. I always had police contact. You know, I got out of jail in the 89 and I had a bunch of contact in Boulder. And then on the road, I would have police contact. Remember, I got in trouble in Idaho?

I got into a fist fight and fucking whatever springs. And there was always drama with me. me guys always i was getting pulled over i was fucking always having police contact misunderstandings when i came to jersey in 93 i had police contact i had fucking five altercations that my life was never at fucking peace so for years that's what my search was a fucking peace yeah now i got it down but it's 58 i'm an old man how many 58 year olds are going to be out snort and fucking coke jumping up and down going to strip clubs don't answer that i'm sure there's a lot of them i don't have that luxury you know what i'm saying i don't have that luxury to be snorting coke

and fucking being at a strip club my head would blow up i think but far be it from that i really would i think my head would blow up you know there's a strip club on the route nine that is always packed the club 35 or club 35 I don't know what it is it's always packed the other night when I was coming from the premiere I hadn't been on the turnpike in months so the other night when I was coming from the premiere

I actually looked to see what was going on on a Wednesday night packed people fucking everywhere in that motherfucker you can see the car is parked on top of one another you know I don't have that fucking luxury right now and I don't want that luxury I did all that craziness

but I'll tell you what They had a good buffet. Yeah, they had a great fucking buffet. All I know is that I had all these problems. But before I went to L.A., I had to have a long talk to myself. And I'm like, you know, I've been in Seattle for 18 months. I got arrested six times. Before that, I was in Boulder, and I can't tell you how much police fucking contact I had.

Before that, you know, I was in Jersey, and I can't tell you how much police. police contact I had, how am I going to fucking stop this police contact? And this is what I'm trying to say to John Jones, that this is the shame of this. This is what bothers me, is wasted talent. It's when you're at your best and you're not taking advantage of it. And listen, I know how it is. I know what it's like to get a fucking paycheck from a country. comedy show and fucking want to get your dick sucked and you know i've been there i understand i got

to l.A. in 97 i did not stop doing drugs to 2007 again there was no police contact but i changed my life in a way i cut it back i scaled it back you know what the difference was between my life in LA and my life before LA. You ready? Going out at night. You're like, but Joey, you're a comic. You went out at night. Listen to what I'm saying to you.

I went out, when I started to go out to do comedy and cut out the social shit at the bars, my life changed completely. Where does John Jones always get in trouble? When he goes out? up when he goes out. Now, I'm not telling you not to go out. I never said that.

You see me, I fucking go out. I'm never saying you not to go out at night. I moved to L.A. in 1997. I stayed there until 2020, and I never had police contact except for driving that day. I mean, never did a cop come and talk to me for drugs, fucking this, that. I got a ticket for parking and a handicapped spot two days after 9-11, whatever the fuck.

Yeah, that's it. They were worried about that. Yeah, but my life was always arrest sheets, 36 arrests before I moved to fucking Boulder. And, you know, these are realities of life guys. So if anybody knows what the fuck they're talking about, I know what the fuck I'm talking about when it gets to that. If your life is always with this fucking turmoil, think about it. You have to fucking journal it down to the fucking minute fact that it's your going out at night. Think about it.

It's your going out and it's your fucking drinking. I made a conscious decision in 1997 that people hated me for. People hated me for that fucking decision of not going out. My business was stand up. That's it. and I had rules on my stand-up. I had a ton of fucking rules. I was not allowed to do cocaine until I got off the stage.

That was a personal fucking rule. I was not allowed to do cocaine at the club where I was fucking doing comedy at. Take the Coke out of the business. Don't have the Coke there at all. Even at the comedy store, I would have a drink, maybe two drinks, do a line. I did not want any...

to see me fucked up. All my problems were always after fucking 10 o'clock. My life changed and my problems ended at 10 o'clock. Why are you getting arrested at 5.30 in the morning? You're a fucking champion. Why the fuck are you

out at 5.30 in the fucking morning? I have not been out of this house at 5.30 in the fucking morning. Well, about three months ago I went to L.A. I had to fucking leave the house at 5, fucking 15 or something. But besides that, it's been fucking years. I want John Jones to get his life together.

I want you guys to get your life together. I should not be pointing out, John Jones. Half of us are doing this. This is what's happened after the pandemic. And then you wonder why your fucking life is a sham. Listen, if anybody's life was a sham, it was mine. But if anybody turned their life around, it was me. And I haven't thought about this in a long fucking time.

Between you guys and fucking Derek and fucking Catherine Narducci, you opened up my mind. You guys made me think to what I had done, what the purpose of this mission was. It wasn't to be a fucking stand-up comedy. You know what, man? Listen, yeah, I went to a premiere last week. Does that make me a better person than you?

No. No. I worked hard at something, and I finally made my fucking, finally my ship came in. That's what you call it. your ship coming in it. No big fucking deal.

It happens. But you got to fucking commit to it. You got to commit to something. You got to believe in something. Why not believe in me? Oh shit. Anyway, that's a little bit of the point of sisters there.

What I'm trying to say to you, motherfuckers, is if you want your life to change, you got to take control. You got to take the bull by the fucking horns. Listen, I did something that a lot of people did not think I could ever do.

I accomplished becoming a man. You know what that accomplishment was for me? that's huge. When I went to that premiere the year and night of the many saints in Newark, that didn't make me better than you. That didn't make me a man. I became a man on my own.

That movie was part of my fucking journey to be a man. I've arrived, I'm home. Listen, it took me 58 years. I'm a fucking retard. I'm no better than you motherfuckers. Took me 58 fucking years, but I did it.

And that's all that fucking has ever mattered to me at all. So this podcast is not intended at John Jones. I was just in shock that after all this time, he's still fucking getting arrested. You're a fucking champion. Act like that. Even me who was a fucking retard.

You know my grandparents were second cousins and they got married, so I got retarded blood in me. But even me who was a fucking retard could tell you one thing, the opportunity I had to be allowed, to be at the store and to be in L.A. I never thought I was as talented and three quarters of the people in L.A. I thought I was forcing myself on the scene.

Okay, things turned out that I was talented, and I made fucking some moves, and I got a little bit of success, and I got a couple movies and a couple TV shows, and I shot a few specials, but that doesn't make me a better fucking person than you. It contributes to my manhood. That's what I did.

fucking accomplish something. I move the fuck on and now I am moving on. I did what I had to do and that's it. And listen man, you might be having some problems right now, whatever. I'm not telling you to fucking stop doing drugs. That's not my fucking job.

You know, I'm not telling you to stop going out and partying. I'm just telling you to look at your life and see the different fucking things you could do just to make it a little fucking better. You hear my stomach growling? That's fucking hunger. Yeah. No, that's my fucking stomach ground.

I only had my two egg yolks, my piece of wheat bread, and my two piece of bacon for breakfast. You know me, dog. I'm sticking to my weight watch as shit. Yeah, I eat my sauces sandwich from time to time. I had a half a lobster tail last night, one of the good ones with the fucking cream in it. Oh, my God, Ferrar's had a stand over there.

It is so great to be back in fucking Jersey, guys. I get to go to my little feast every week. Even my wife said something to me last night. She goes, this place seems to have something different in every little community every week for kids. This is what this is all about. And I'm happy we fucking made it. Like I said, this podcast was not intended to bash John Jones at all. I love John.

This was to open up our eyes. And if you're going through the same things, just look at your life and see what needs to be taken out. With me, it was not going out at night. And like I told you guys, till this. day people are still pissed off at me i will not go to a bar you guys do know that i don't go to fucking bars to stand there i don't drink yeah i could go get high and talk to you while i drink a soda it's not what i want to do i've been in a bar since i was fucking four years old i don't go to bars no more i don't want to be in a bar whatsoever when i stop going to bars like when i do fucking

comedy anybody who goes on the road with me anybody will fucking tell you after the road back to the room and that's the way it was since 2009. Ask anybody. And even before that, I had a hard time going out. I would go out for a little while to get a cocaine package

to wait for the dealer to maybe pick up a chick. But once all that shit came together I was headed to fuck home. That was the way it worked for me. And it worked. Until this day, it still fucking works for me. I go to people's houses,

I go to fucking parties, you know, I go to restaurants, to eat dinner, I don't want to go to a bar and jump up and down. Whenever I see it on Facebook or Twitter, I feel bad for the people. I go, who the fuck wants to be sitting inside a fucking ball? But anyway, whatever fucking works for you, whatever makes your life fucking smooth, that's it. That's a transition. It works for me and I made it work for me and I hope it works for fucking you.

The premiere was great. The movie was great. I'm looking forward to it on fucking Friday. I hope you guys are looking forward to it. I've been going back and forth with the movie theater guy. People are fucking greedy guys. People want to make that money from the pandemic. So we're still trying to put it together for Patreon to get a little screening next week.

I'm doing a screening tonight. I'm supposed to go to one of the theaters. I think it's Eaton Town on Thursday, on Wednesday night. and tonight it's the mammoth, whatever. I'll find out, and I'll put it on Twitter for you guys and Instagram. And that's it and that's that. We fucking did it. It's the last week of motherfucking September.

And that's it, man. Time is moving right along. And as you can tell, time doesn't wait for fucking nobody. Take whatever you can from this podcast. I love you guys. Thank you for supporting the joint. Thank you for having my back. Now for a word for my motherfucking sponsor, Jack.

All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you for all the support and love you give me every week. You're hooking us up, me and Michael. The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. Listen, three weeks of football are in the fucking books. It's time to review the tape. How did you do? Did you want any money?

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Have a great week. Thank you for listening. And I'll see you guys Wednesday, the 29th, Ready to Fucking Rock. Have a great fucking day. Have a great week. Uncle Joey loves you, Paul Sniffis. Stay black.