The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 10/14/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #119

Episode Date: October 14, 2013

Before today's guest became a doctor she and Joey grew up together in North Bergen. Dr. Tania calls into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 10/14/2013.

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or just go to joey diaz.net and click on the dollar shave club banner oh shit it's motherfucking Columbus day we're gonna open up with a nice little bluesy fucking jam by the king jimmy hendricks we're here smoking some hash in this fucking joint leaden know it I was not aware there was hash in it at 6 a.m. on a Monday morning morning to be aware of fucking nothing all right just smoke it's a beautiful day to be alive it's uh Monday October 14th Are you fucking kidding me or what? Crank this shit, Lee. Crank this motherfuckerly.

What? Are you fucking kidding me? You're sitting there thinking about what? What the fuck can you be thinking about when this shit's playing? Are you kidding me? And you think you got fucking problems? Listen to this motherfucker. What?

What'd you say? That's what I thought you'd fucking said. It's too much. It's motherfucking Monday. Are you kidding me? Lee, what's the story? the story you keep leaving this shit on I might have to jump out of fucking window out of reprieve I'm tremendous oh my god it's a beautiful day to be alive

I'm happy you're with us some of you're still fucking sleep I don't blame you it's Columbus day I got no time to sleep I'll sleep when I'm fucking dead mad flavor here with my main man the flying Jude Lee Syatt fresh from San Francisco smoking smoking some of that fucking hash and the reef of they gave me and mixed in some this guy still fucking coughing get it together cocksucker I knew it was hash as soon as I took a because I don't cough that much. Jesus. You were over here

dying and laughter as I was fucking choking to death. You know why? Because I've been there. That's why, I'm a sucker. You're here with us, the church of what's happening now. Get up, have some oatmeal, do some jumping jack. Stretch your fingers. Wash your pussy. Do something. But you got to do

fucking something today. You got to make it all. You got to justify your motherfucking existence. What are you doing? You're swallowing boogies over there? Yeah, I'm trying not to do it. I can't play the fucking ass. Where you get a little yellow shirt on? You're like you're going on Star Trek. Oh, my God. Look at you, you bad motherfucker.

Or you need a little, like, V-O-V, and you can be ready for Star Trek? What's the V-4? Oh, for Star Trek. Who the fuck knows? I don't know. Should be a J for Jew. You had a nice time in San Francisco? I loved it.

I loved it from the second I landed there. I know you do. Because I miss Boston. Well, I don't, I miss a city like that where I can, well, that's why I keep thinking about moving to Hollywood. Even though Hollywood's not like that. Like, I landed in San Fran. I drove through the city, and then I got to my hotel, and I just walked around.

Because you were having lunch, but it was like two miles. away so by the time I got there it wouldn't have made sense. Original Joe's, you fucked up. I know, but I... Tremendous, old school. I walked steak with a side of spaghetti. Ooh. A fucking salad and water like a soldier.

No bread, no butter, nothing. That probably would have helped. But I went in the sushi place was having a lunch special and I got a little bento box and a couple pieces of sushi. It's a me. Tremendous. Ooh, nice. You like that shit too.

I like that. A little chicken terriaki white meat. I got steak. Oh, look at you. That steak. That's steak. A ristocrat. Oh shit.

A little steak. A little steak. salad a little bit of that ginger fucking juju juice they put on the salad with a couple pieces of tempora correct or no? They didn't they I had a I had dumplings instead of temporal dumplings look at you

fuck yeah bad motherfucker then we went over to the show you right off the bat you didn't even fuck around you inhale 200 milligrams of a half I totally fucking asshole 200 milligrams 30 milligrams he comes up and tells me it's 30 milligrams imagine he had a gummy bear and there's you can't even chew through it it took like so fucking thick

loos gummies Hermannos are Taking that shit to a different level Listen, we had fucking hash Hangovers Friday morning I had a fucking hangover When I woke up I had to sit in the shower For 30 minutes and drink coffee

And, you know, meditate and fucking Walk around and sweat Then I had some yogurt with some granola And that's when I snapped out of it It was the Greek yogurt, I think Yeah, I had a fucking headache Yeah, I had a fucking headache yesterday But then when I finally had breakfast

I didn't have breakfast until I landed here, and then I finally felt better. You get on the plane with no breakfast in your stomach. Are you fucking doing? Well, because there's nothing at the airport. There's always something at the airport. Nothing good. I was in SFO, and I had two eggs with bacon

and sour dough breakfast and a little cup of open you. How are you going to tell me there's nothing good? Fresh eggs. You know when there's nothing good? Maybe in your terminal. When they give you scrambled eggs, because they're powdered fucking milked eggs. They're already prepared.

That's when you know it's got it. These are two country fresh eggs, two little pieces of things. bacon which two eggs is four points two pieces of bacon is two more points I didn't touch the fucking potatoes but they smelled okay and I had a little piece of sour dough for both eggs well I knew I was having breakfast when I landed so I would you have breakfast for wife yeah me her and her mom went to just Denny's by the airport did you have steak and eggs no I just get a ham and eggs okay don't get the

steak of Dennis because you'll bleed from your fucking penis helmet fucked up they can't fucking kill you but we're here it's October the 14th You're two months away from fucking Christmas. You're sitting there. You're two months away from a new year. You know, you got to put it together. You can't just fucking sit there. You got to get out there.

Interesting weekend in San Francisco, though. I felt in my heart that I had four horrible shows right off the fucking bat. Thursday, I didn't connect. Friday, I really didn't connect. And then Saturday, the first show was men's amends. You know, the stories were stronger, but something was missing. I wasn't connecting with them. And finally, Ari was on stage talking about he don't like eating pussy in the morning.

And you know me. That's when that fountain of fucking breath opens up when you eat that fucking monkey. You don't like pussy in the morning either. No, I do. Right fresh with the mattress. Absolutely. No, no trauma, no pee and no nothing. No, you got mad at me the other day because I didn't take a shower.

In the morning, you've been stabbing her all night, so you know where the pussy's been. You know what I'm saying? It's not like she's been out doing jumping jacks all fucking day sitting on the 405 with her asshole sweating. And it mixes into the vaginal mesh of things. and all of a sudden you're eating a fucking monkey that smells like, you know, and you don't want to throw them in the shower. We have the same problem.

You know, we're sitting on a 405, the ass wet dips into your nutsack, and you have that nutty asshole smell, and next thing you know, you're out there spreading this shit, and, you know, you can't be romantic when your ass smells like a goat. It's just very tough to be fucking romantic.

This is why I pre-washed your fucking ass before you give mama a stab. Even if you're both drunk, just washing. You know your feet got to be kicking? Oh, yeah. You want to bang somebody with your feet kicking? Absolutely. Okay, then.

Then what the fuck? Get it together. No, you don't. No, you don't. You want them to call again. I have a friend of mine who told me the other day he's not going to sleep with the girl he was sleeping with because she snored at night.

Oh, well, that's not her fault. You don't want no fucking problems. This is what I'm saying to you. People are picky. She don't want no problems. You don't want to show up with stinky fucking toes. Because no matter how much they love you, eventually you have to tell you.

Don't make them tell you. Take a shout, Lee. I do. I'm not saying that you're a good looking dude. You're a good. If you get any moose for the hair, do you get? I don't have any hair to put moose is wrong. Yes, you do, look at it.

It's grown. You don't put proficient in that motherfucker? No, that makes your dick soft. Really? Oh, yeah. That's what I've heard. So if you rub it on your head, it makes your helmet go soft. Yeah, that's a pill.

Well, no, propitious is a pill. Oh, what's the shit you wrote? I've tried rogying, but you forget, and it's expensive. And you know what? Every, literally every guy in both sides of my family is, like, a ball, ball, like, you can, like, shine their head for a nickel or whatever. So, it's coming. So it's more of, uh, uh,

Hereditary? Hereditary. Yeah, that's right. You know, I don't fucking know. You know, I lose hair. I got a little Jew patch in the back, like a Yamika fucking son's cap or something. But, you know, you lose hair, and I'm sure I'd be very insecure. You know, I'm insecure with hair.

I can't imagine. You just grow with it. I'm short, fat, and bald. I mean, I just, it's something I've got a dicked like a fucking mule. No, I'm fine. You're a savage. I've got to all of it. But, uh...

You don't have a dick with a mule? You don't have a dick like a meal? I don't know if I want. I'm very happy with it. I don't know. You're here from Ashley. She called you anymore, begging your back? No.

We were never together. Fucking. She called you last weekend? No. It's all over. See how fast life goes? It goes. What happens when you get a little piece of ass on the side?

You forget about all that shit, memories and all that. No more songs. No more jumping around. They did your favor, though. No more hanging out. Like, fuck them friends with Chinese people in your house. Sitting here and shit, nobody's sucking your dick. You don't need that shit.

No. don't. Jesus, I'm high and I'm trying to make a point. You really smoke some more? No, fuck you. What's the problem, dog? It's Monday. You got no fucking work. It's Columbus Day.

Well, you got work tonight at 7 o'clock. You know how many things you could do between now and 7 o'clock? Well, now I know what I'm going to do. We'll take a nap. What nap? You're not going to walk around the neighborhood and say hello. You should make me smoke hash at 6 a.m. I'm going to bed.

It's okay. And I got another joint in a half. I know you do. And I'll spray with some nasal spray. your fucking thing. I'll get shot big going. But I wanted to talk about it because Butch Bucch Ascobar, who, anyone who went up there, he was the guy who opened for Joey and Ari. Tremendous. Funny motherfucker. That I did joke. I loved him this weekend.

No, he's good, but he's even a nicer person. And we were talking, because he, uh, he, like, genuinely, like, he loves the show, but he's, he has a lot of respect for you. I love him, too. I love Bunch, too. And we were talking about what you just said, about how you didn't think you did that great. Because I said to him, I said to him,

I said to him during your second show on Saturday when you went off I said, did he really have bad shows all weekend? He's like, no, he didn't have bad shows, but it wasn't like this. But he's like, he's being harder on himself than he needs to be. Because, like, I got messages it was Thursday and Friday, and I was there for the first show Saturday. You didn't, it's not like you went to a show and freaking the cruise line comedian was there, like, bombing.

You just didn't have them as strong as you had. I didn't connect with them. That's what this whole thing. But that's the thing. You're saying you have bad shows, and I think you're being too hard on yourself. If anybody can make anybody laugh, it's connecting with them.

They know what you're talking about, that it was what you really want to do as a comic. And I felt that, you know, whatever, 300 people, a show left there for the first four shows, and I didn't fucking really connect with them. I think that I would, the Saturday I went off because I just said, I can't go all in five,

not in the back of my mind. Listen, to do anything, honest in your life. You have to be critical to some degree. I can't stand when I talk to comedians. And there's a lot of them that'll come up to you and tell you they always fucking kill. You know what? You can't always fucking kill.

You can't always fucking kill. You could tell yourself that. I have great sets. I have mediocre sets and I have terrible sets. I have terrible sets that aren't bombing to other comics, but they're bombing to me because I know I didn't get into their heart.

I know that I didn't do something that wasn't a common threat of the set. And that's what I'm trying to say to you. A lot of times when I open up for Rogan, I feel the same thing because I'm going up there cold. They're not ready for me, cold. I miss out a lot of things.

This year I went to Milwaukee with Rogan people. I was a little high, and I had to follow Doug Benson. Doug Benson had no energy. He went up there with a Sabwarfare attitude. I went up there with the same Sabwarfare attitude, and I shouldn't have gone up there with that same. I'm a fucking killer. You know, as a comedian, I don't want to be,

A mediocre comic. I want to be a fucking tiger or a lion. You know, people don't go to the fucking zoo to see the clowns and the elephants. They go to see the lions and the fucking tigers. And that's why. So if I don't perform like a lion or a tiger, I just feel like it was a waste of fucking time.

That's in my thing. Yeah, I'm going to make you laugh. I've been doing it for 20 years. You know, if a plumber comes over here, he's going to fix your toilet. Does he do the best job with it? You know what I'm saying? So, like, I don't, everything you're saying makes sense.

The one thing that, like, because, I just don't understand. Like, how do you make the... Like, how did you get to the point second show Saturday where you're doing that? Like, because it seemed, for someone who doesn't know anything about comedy, like, why couldn't... Why isn't that just always the way you go?

Something got into my mind. I realized I was in San Francisco. And I realized that they were a little high level. Okay. I realized that they're a little more intelligent. And I gave them too much respect. And I shouldn't have respected anybody. I should have.

gone for what the fuck I do. You understand me? Sometimes you, for some reason, you just put a block on yourself. Sometimes you get in your way of yourself, and that happens in life. You're going to get the fucking way of yourself. Something's going to get in the back of your mind. Somebody's going to piss on your leg. You know, I'm trying to be something I ain't.

You know, I'm a silk, you know, you can't put a silk hat on a pig. But sometimes when you gain momentum, you're like, ooh, I'm going to write jokes that maybe I think are interesting. If I'm not selling that joke, if I'm not threading it correctly, it doesn't matter. Saturday, I went up there with nothing, and I just weave in and out of material what I do best. And it turned out to be fucking great. I felt like I connected. I got off.

I did a little extra time. Do you know what I'm saying? I didn't do the Gecko joke, the Liberace joke, but I did the closer. And one fucking thing, I said something about something. sucking dick like Liberace, ooh, tremendous. You changed a lot of stuff again. Yeah.

One of the bits was like totally new. Yeah. You know what man, I like to write and I feel ashamed of what happened this year. I was supposed to tape the CD in June and we had difficulties. So now I've been using the same material.

If you know anything about me, man, I fucking hate that shit. But it's taught me something. It's taught me that the longer you do material, the more you develop it. And a guy like me could really turn a bit around if I sink my teeth into it. I really like it. I really like the pornography bit where it's gone.

Yeah, that's what that's one. And it's really my heart. It's really something that I never fucking thought of how funny that fucking shit was that day. I still remember those kids walking out of my house. Like, I still remember months later going, that was fucking terrible. Like, they would have gone to therapy if there was therapy in those days for going to see him bad porn. like that's how funny that was and I didn't realize it

so I went to the Florida film comedy festival and I was talking to a Carlos Perez about it and he goes remember that time we had the box with the porn movies it was fucking let me tell you what else

Thursday night was one of the funniest nights in my life in San Francisco not on stage it didn't happen at the club did Butch tell you about You told me about it You know he didn't tell me the video

Oh my fucking God We go to 7-11 You know we hang out at the club We talk to people. We take pictures. We end up going to 7-Eleven. Right by the hotel there. Right on Fisherman's Wharf.

And there's a black dude outside peddling fucking coins, whatever. What's happening, brother? Real cool. Real personable guy. What's happening? Something happens when we're in the hotel. I'm not the hotel. I'm sorry.

When we're in 7-Eleven, that some white dude with a dog comes up to him. And they have words. To the black guy. To the black guy. Trust me. This hash killed me, too. And I put a couple chunks in there.

That's why I didn't roll it in front of you. Oh, good little for the asshole. It took time for me to put the hash in there because you got to chop it up. I was doing all this shit at 4.15 this morning. Who fucking rolls ash joints at 415 this morning? While I was writing in my memoir, what memoir, whatever the fuck I write in every morning. My plan for the day, you know what I'm saying? I always get up in the morning and plan my day, like what I'm going to do and what I need to do and how I feel.

And I was writing that. I rolled the two hash tunes. What was I talking about? About the black guy. So we come on and the white dude sees that it's me, Butch, and Ari, and he kind of says something to the black guy, he walks away. Butch is talking to the white guy.

Butch is talking to the YouTube on right away. His camera, he knows something's going on. When I walk outside, he's already got his camera on. He's interviewing the black guy. Black guy saying the white guy went up to him and called him a nigger or some shit, something with a dog. Now, I'm hearing all this. And I'm watching the white dude with the dog.

on the corner now I know things are fucked up out there and you really got to be careful you know you really got to be careful so it's not like 30 years ago you could yell at people and say whatever don't pull out of fucking AK whatever and shoot you to you fucking blue in the face yeah so one thing leads to another and uh I'm sitting there and I'm watching that this guy's crossing the street he's not so I asked we asked the black dude what he had said and he said something crazy like so we go hey come on over here let's make friends and the guy's like

fuck you I'm not going over there so we're like fuck you cuck sucker we'll go over there and we'll kill that fucking dog and now the guy's going nuts he's walking back and forth the dog is barking we'll kill that dog oh no and we'll fucking eat him right and they do it is barking

and I mean this just went on and the owner of the hotel came outside he's like gentlemen you got to keep it low my customers and he doesn't go in two seconds and we start yelling back and forth again. And this goes on for like eight or nine minutes. Finally, we're getting tired. I mean, we get in the car and we fucking start driving and we drive towards the guy. The guy is walking, so he doesn't see us when we get in the car. What he kept doing was walking and then

coming back to a direction. So he kept switching directions. So finally, he fucking walks away and when he was walking towards us. That's when we pull up next to him. And we're like, hey, man. No, no. Butch is like, hey, with the camera. But it's like, hey guy. What happened to those guys? I saw they ran the other way, and the guy's like, ah, you know, they had a problem. And then I pop out and go,

fuck you, cuck, sucker. We'll take that dog and we'll fucking kill it. He's like, fuck you with the dog. When the dog started barking was the P.R. The law resistance. He knew we were talking about him. And we pulled the way, and there was one point where we were driving away,

and I don't know if you guys even know what the fuck I'm talking about, there's a part where you are, sometimes you get high, you smoke some pot, and you're a little in a good mood, whatever, and something happens, and you start giggling. And all of a sudden you go right back to the fucking freshman year in high school when you first smoked pot. And there was one part where I had my head turned back,

and I was just giggling. Yeah. And I could see Butch Escobar laughing, and the arbor was in the back laughing. We laughed straight and had to be for 15 fucking minutes like little kids. Finally got out of the car and we were like, wow, That was hilarious. I remember going up to my room and still giggling like a little fucking kid

because the guy was like, yeah, fuck those guys. And also I'm like, ah! You cuck, sucker. So I'm not to have Butch put the fucking video up. What's the musically? You're sitting there, it's Monday. October 14th, you got to put it. And it's funny because on the plane yesterday, I was thinking about this song.

I have it on my fucking iPod, I think. Did you put on my iPod? No, I should have. on my iPod. And I was listening to this song and all the levels of different meanings. Like God knows, because my dad used to play this with my mom. So my mom used to play this song

every day she walked in the bar. This is the first song she fucking played. So after a while, you listen to it, and you listen to the words, and you're like, I get it. But they didn't even know what the words meant. They didn't know English. They knew broken English,

so they knew a couple words here and there, you know. But it's amazing. Blast this motherfucker. It's Monday. October 14, Columbus Day. If you're not working, whatever. Get up, run around the corner. Do something.

Go get a gyro. Get some new chucks. I want to be around. Oh shit, wait. You ready to take another hit? No. Yeah, yeah, you're looking a little down. I haven't seen you this down.

I'm not down. I was saying it was the last time you made me laugh like that, walking back from the benefit for Sigura's dog. And he just took your hand and rubbed my head. And I wasn't looking. And it was cold out and it was like, your hand was warm, and we laughed for about, well, I laughed for longer.

I laughed for about 10 minutes. I just couldn't breathe. All right, good. Come on over there, smoke some pot. I'm all set. I can't walk by now. Look at this fucking bat on the jury. You don't even know which one is the joint.

What the fuck? There's like 19 joints on this time. I don't even know what got hash, what's got heroin in it, what's got that. Love's company. We had some good. some guys sent you some stuff cool motherfucking name

Alan Rodriguez oh cool sent you a playlist we got my girl Tanya Messina calling in today girl I went to school with her older sisters in the documentary oh Lisa's sister okay no yeah I met these guys who grew it and they said they named it Lee Cush

they gave me like a big they gave me like one butt that was like a gram and a half two grams I had to give it to a bunch because I couldn't bring it home who said you couldn't bring it home me and my paranoia shit. What are you think we're fucking smoking right now? We're smoking some shit that they gave me in San Frang.

You're flying in California. Yeah, but you have a whole system that I don't have. Yeah, you've got a system too. And you got a license. My system is give it to the whole. Fuck it. That's even better. You don't need the license.

You can fly what I do what the fuck you want to do? What do you want me to tell you? People are to do what the fuck they're going to do, Lee. Oh, but that was fucking cool. I can't believe somebody name weed after you gave it to you. And you fucking gave it the butch. You didn't even bring a butt to smoke on the show to spread the energy. Should I fucking take this e-cigarette and burn your stomach right now?

Like the fucking crack-ho in that movie? Hmm? Oh, my God. What do you mean, oh, my gut? What's oh my God? What's my God? What's the man? Nothing, I'm just fucking stoned.

You got another joint issue, you know? Good. But yesterday I went to eat lunch. Two weeks ago, my cousin called. But two months ago, my baby has danger, stranger. What is that shit? Stranger, danger. She cries sometimes if you see somebody she's not familiar with.

Oh, I didn't know that. Okay. Yeah, she liked you and stuff. So I had tickets for my uncle for Willie Nelson and his girlfriend. I got him for him from my wife at the Hollywood Bowl, so I brought him to him to him. I didn't want to come down into town on a Monday and just meet him for lunch. So I brought him to him on a Sunday,

and I happened to have my wife and the baby in the car. The baby got out. I started talking to my uncle. When I went to hug him, Mercy came over to me, and right away she looked at my. uncle and I asked mercy give your uncle a kiss and she gave him a fucking kiss he died he fucking couldn't believe now my uncle's got a lot of fucking problem he's a good dude this is the uncle I almost tried to rob I almost tried

to rob I tried to rob me pulled the gun on me and we reconciled is that her calling in no oh and I've had my ups and downs with my uncle but at the end of day I really really love my uncle I really fucking do he's my uncle man I love him and he's got his he's 70 fucking six and he's got his own and and he still has a girlfriend, he cheats on her. And, you know, there was rumors that he had cancer. He won't tell me. I mean, he's a bold dude.

He changes his eating. He changed his life. You know, he's always walked five miles a day. That's why he's lived to be 76, and he's in such good shape. So his niece, his daughter called me yesterday a couple weeks ago, and she's like, you know, my dad wants Thanksgiving, but he only wants to do Thanksgiving with you, the baby, your wife, me, and my husband. You in?

And I go, yeah, I'm in. He goes, he really liked the baby. I said, yeah, she had a good time with him. So, Marta called me again about two weeks ago, and she goes, hey, you want to do breakfast with my dad? I go. I'm in San Francisco this weekend, but I can meet Sunday. We'll meet with me and Duncan go for steaks for breakfast.

Boom, let's do it. So we met, sure enough, the babies in the great mood yesterday, started fucking messing around. Right away, she was eating. I ordered soup for her, and I ordered mashed potatoes and turkey. Slice turkey. I always love a Thanksgiving meal. You know that.

I love turkey, mashed potatoes. They had stuffing, but in touch of stuffing of the vegetables. The mashed potatoes were pretty good. So we were giving it and then, you know,

she didn't want to sit there no more so my wife was eating so I yelled her for a while. My uncle was next to me so I put her in between me and my uncle. My uncle fucking picked her up, man. And she started rocking with my uncle. And my uncle started like he's a musician

so he started playing all this little music on the table with his fingers. And she started swinging her arm and shaking my crazy shake. And he fucking crazy. So with this going on for 20 minutes, my wife is looking at me and I'm looking at her like, this is real. She

likes this man. The next thing you fucking know, my wife goes to take mercy away from my uncle. She throws a fucking fit. She doesn't want to beat my wife. She turns around to my uncle, my uncle, she deeps it from my uncle. My uncle's must a heart, must have fucking broke. You know,

because he had a daughter, he has the sons, and he's not close with his kids. And sometimes in life you need a second chance like I got. You know, I I got a second chance with mercy. You know, I lost my first daughter. I got a second chance. It was my fault also.

You know, the more and more I think about this shit, the more and more I come to the realization that it takes two to fucking tango. No, there's no victims in fucking life, you know? And, but it was so weird. I was watching him and I was watching his face. And I could see that, you know, this was like his fucking second chance. And sure enough, after a couple minutes, he asked Mercy, do you ever break a coin yet?

He gave her $100. He always gives him $1,000. But it's just very nice. Like, I always talk to people about making somebody's day. Mercy made his day yesterday. Like, he must have left there. You know, he couldn't even control himself. You know, and I could tell by my cousin's reaction that she, you know, we were both in awe.

Like, it was nice. Mercy made his fucking day. You know, he's 76. My uncle had the wife with the kids, my cousins, and he took another woman up and he had a child with her. So he made his own fucking bet But everybody in life deserves a second chance You know That's really cool

Unless they're a fucking piece of shit Now there's not a piece of shit And no No fucking way at all He's a good fucking dude You know When I came out here And I always say you know

I'm trying to write a book You know I always try to put a chapter And then I gotta say that When I look at my life And I look at going to prison And all that shit The wake up call I got

Before I went to prison but didn't pay attention was from my uncle because he gave me the greatest gift that anybody could ever give anybody. He gave me the gift of telling me that the world didn't know you dick. What the fuck is? Is this the Nazis over at?

You kind of fucking plain as this. Fucking Snoopy's flying it. So it's just really weird. The gift, when you realize that the world don't owe you dick, that's when your life will move forward a couple times, you know, when you graduate college,

you know, and all that shit. That's on paper. But really, when you start claiming responsibility, your life will move forward a bunch. And when you start realizing that the world don't know you dick. When you got to get up in the morning and cut your toenails and wash your pussy and put your bowtie on and get the fuck out there and make it happen for you. It makes fucking life a lot easier when you know that the world don't know you dick. And that's what my uncle did for me.

So when I was sitting there yesterday with him and I'm seeing what's going on. And, you know, when I tried to rob him at gunpoint, Didn't you both have guns? Yeah. It was fucking terrible. You know, I was 21 maybe. Yeah, I was 21 and God knows how old he was. And, you know, now I'm 50.

I'm sitting next to him. And we love each other. I love my... I love talking to him. We fucking laugh. I'm my uncle's last resort. Like, I could talk to my own... He talks to him about anything, you know?

Yeah. I know exactly what he's about. I know exactly what he's fucking things. thinking and it's just great when you have a relative like that and I showed them the picture I have and that picture they sent me I thought it wasn't my mom it's my mom when she was like 14 oh shit and he was saying he goes that is your mom and he goes look at her she was a woman at 14 he goes at 14 she was coming home with scratches on her legs from jumping bob wire fences to get into dances oh jesus school dances and bars and shit like that he goes your mom was already

a fucking woman so it was just nice to see the family together. My side of the family. My wife is going to Nashville on Wednesday. Oh, wow. So she'll get to see her side of the fucking family next week all the fucking Indians and Irish people. I love it. And I'm going the week after that. I'm doing a show in Jackson

on the 26th at a bar called Harvey's restaurant. Oh, shit. Do you notice any similarities between how Mercy looks and how your mom looked at 14? No, not at all. Not, yeah. But it's funny what does make me What does make me real interesting,

interested is how what attracted mercy to my uncle? It's like when we went home to Terry's mother's house, at one point, how does the child know that that's its grandmother? You know, within a day, she was lively around the grandmother. So is it something in the skin?

Is it smell? Is it something in your voice? Because when I talk to my uncle on the phone, even though he's a man I hear my mother I hear they have something in their throat and I have it also

so that's why I think she's so at home but you should have fucking saw her there was one part she was swinging her arm mercy and fucking

crazy shaking her head like T-moo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-me-zumi they do a crazy shake so she does crazy shakes but you were saying that she doesn't like a lot of people no she doesn't dig a lot of people

she doesn't like that and my wife and I discussed that She doesn't like beard, but she liked you. Oh, yeah. Anybody who's got a beard or a goatee? She's like, ah, it's this motherfucker. I think kind of what it is, is how, like, she knows you and your wife. And, like, I think she can, like, sense how you feel towards your uncle, probably.

I mean, I don't know anything about babies, but it would seem like they might be able to pick up on, you probably have an energy around your uncle that you don't have around the bearded guy at the grocery store. who wants to pick mercy up. Good point. Good point. No, I never thought about it that way. It's just weird how she picked up on something, and she moved around.

She didn't cry with my cousin either. My cousin picked her up. She took the glasses right off my cousin's face and threw them, and, you know, the whole fucking deal. So it's just amazing that there is a connection now. I don't know what it is. But I know when we went home, the child was even. I think we went home in April or May.

Mercy was, what, four months fucking old? and she already knew who her grandmother was. I mean, we went shopping and left her with the grandmother. There wasn't a stitch of drama. Another stitch of drama. We got back and everything was fucking great, you know. Can you believe she's going to be, like, one tune? It has to be like it's early January, isn't it?

Yeah, it's the first week of January. So she basically is won, and I leave for Buffalo the next day. Buffalo is my first gig after the grudge match comes out. Oh, okay. Buffalo's going to be fucking nuts. It's going to be cold. It's going to be icy. I'm going to land in that motherfucker,

and the weather's going to drop to 60. We're going to have a good time. Raised it 16 in January. Shut the fuck up. Everything all right in your world? What's been going on with you? No, we... You'll see the girl this.

You're going to see it today? No, I'm sorry yesterday. No, she's not. She's not off today? No, I think that's only... They have it East Coast, but it's not West Coast. Columbus? Yeah, I don't think so.

It's not a big holiday in the West Coast? Not that I know of, because I know I don't have it off, but... Is the post office closed? I don't know. I'll look at a little. And the banks and all that shit? Are they closed? I know they are back east.

I don't know if it comes out all the way here. But I was thinking it's not to the same degree at all. But I had this plan to see the girl yesterday for breakfast with her mom. And when I landed, I was like, I had a headache. I didn't want to go. I was like, I'm going to get canceled. I'll just go home and go to bed. But I didn't see her all weekend.

So I was like, okay, I'll go. And her mom came and she doesn't speak a word of English. And I can understand a little bit of Spanish. but not really. And, like, just from the minute she got in the car, like, the daughter's translating and we're all laughing, and we went to Denny's, and it took like an hour for the breakfast to come out,

but we were all laughing and telling stories, and it's, uh, I've never had that with a girl's family who I dated before. Like, and it's, uh, it was, like, it made me feel, I didn't have feel hung over anymore, and I could tell, because the mom didn't like me at first, I don't think, because we met online.

She, the mom was a little wary about it, but I can tell she likes me now. and even the girl texted me when I got home. She said that was a good idea to go to breakfast. I said, yeah. It was a lot of fun. I don't know. You got me high and all sentimental.

All right, don't cry. You want another hit the hash? No. I got to join without hash. This will wake you up. It's a teave. I'm all set. You'll start by that.

You got to take a fucking other hit. You're sitting there. No, I don't, dude. Look at the shape of you. You know, how are you going to go walk around after this? When I leave you, how are you going to go for a little? I'm going to go take a nap. A nap.

Just like Saturday. So. So what? I got to the club a little bit before you on Saturday. Oh, wow. And I just walked around because I didn't want to like, oh, your friend's calling. Good morning, my love. Good morning, Coco.

How are you? Good, my love. What's happened? I'm having a great day here in Maryland. Let me tell you, I'm sitting in my room looking at a horse farm. Oh, my good. How many horses are out there? There's like four or five horses, and who would have thought that a girl from North Bergen

would be sitting in a house looking over a horse farm, right? The only horses I saw back in that day were the horses at the track that my father took me to. Over at the metallands? Now, when we were kids, the metalands opened, correct? Yeah, it was like yonkers. We would go to, Mometh. He would tell my mom we would go into the park. You know, a little bit, you know, it was a horse park.

Fucking amazing where we would take. What's happening, Tanya? I'm just, yeah, I spent most of the morning writing. You know, as you know, I used to practice car. Well, I still practice chiropractic a little bit, but I'm working on a health and wellness blog that's taking just a different turn of my career. Now, you were explaining this to me yesterday. You were telling me about the different types of, you know, whenever I see like a bump on my neck, I go to WebMD, you know, because I don't want to bother nobody. And Web tells you how it is.

I know. The Internet is a very dangerous place for medical information, though. I know it is. I know, but at least it either gives you worse news or it puts you at ease at 2 in the morning, you know what I'm saying? So that's why I go to WebMD sometimes. Then the second person I call is your sister, believe it or not. Well, Nurse Ratchett, she has a good on a lot of things. I call her, too, believe it or not. I call her for everything.

I called her last week. I went, and they said the testosterone was giving me too many red blood cells, so I got to drain my blood cells, but they also found out that I had low thyroid. So they put me on thyroid medication, and now on the 28th I got to go somewhere and drain a pint of blood out of me, which I don't know how I'm going to do, Tanya. I have no idea.

You don't like needles? Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. But I go to acupuncture every week for the last six years, and I'm trying to... But that blood draw needle just doesn't agree with Uncle Joey, Tanya. Well, it's different. Blood is, you know, like when they're taking something out of you, it's different. That's why I went to chiropractic school and not medical school.

I mean, honestly, I can cut open dead people all day long when I was studying in school, but I could not deal with blood and warmth and guts and moving. It just did not suit me well. It freaks a lot of people out. Now, how long does it take to go to chiropractor? Is there a chiropractic school, or do you go to college for four years, then go to a school? What's the whole patois? Both of those things.

I actually decided to be a chiropractor really early. I was like 15. It probably actually started earlier than that. When I was, you know, very young, I used to work on the Di Lorenzo. They would say, you know, Kurt was a wrestler, and he would say, let me rub my back. I'm hurting. So I'd rub his back, and he said, you have really strong hands. You should, like, be a chiropractor or massage therapist.

So that clearly planted a seed. and then when I was 15 I got in a car accident and I not only had neck pain and arm pain like you do after you get you know her from behind but when I went to the chiropractor he noticed something with my spine that was irritating the nerves to my lungs and I didn't tell him that I had lung issues but I was a sick kid actually I had a lot of pneumonia and asthma allergies but I didn't tell him that when I went to see him but he figured out just from touching the bones in my spine that I had a problem with those issues because the nerves that go to all of your organs come out from your spine. So long story short, he adjusted me from my neck pain, but also I started getting

healthier, and that really sparked an interest in me to do something like this. So I decided at 15 to go to chiropractic school, and I even applied. I was 15 years old, and I wrote a life chiropractic college in Atlanta, and I said I wanted to, you know, it was applying for admission, and they said, sweetheart, you have to go to finish high school and college first. So I got a one-way ticket out in North Bergen and went to college at Pepperdine for four years. and got my undergraduate, and then you go on to do four years of chiropractic school. So it's eight years of higher education. Jesus.

I'm listening to your voice, Tanya, and I'm thinking of you as a little young girl, you know, just you wouldn't say much. You'd be watching a smoking pot and you'd giggle or something, and that was it. And now look at you. You're a fucking savage. Well, you know, I didn't say much because I was like the token mascot following you guys around, you know, a Burgoline Avenue to the McDonald's and up to the soccer field and the pool hall. And I don't know honestly how I had the urge to get out of there.

I just knew that it wasn't a good place for me. It's not a bad place. It just wasn't something that was going to suit my life. And I remember in my high school yearbook, they said, what do you want more than anything? And I said a one-way ticket to California. And I offended a lot of people, I think. And I don't mean to be offensive because, you know, you guys are my home.

You know, my mother still lives in the same house that I grew up in. And I do go home. And I'm very grateful for the. you know, the sense of family that it gave me, but I just felt like maybe I needed to get out in order to achieve what I have in my career. And I never moved back. I go back, you know, for summers occasionally and to visit with my mom and my sister and my aunts and stuff.

But I've lived in, you know, Southern California. I got my doctorate in Atlanta. I lived in Charleston, South Carolina. And now I've lived in Maryland for, you know, almost 20 years. And I have to laugh because I hear your accent, Coco. And, you know, I can talk like that, too. but I kind of became sanitized. You know, the further you move away, the more your accent becomes neutral.

But my husband would say, give me a glass of wine and it's all over. You know, the jersey comes out full strength. So probably by the end of our conversation, I'm going to be talking like you again. It's funny, Tanya, because... Drinking my coffee. I knew at 14, I was going to get the fuck out of there, so don't apologize to me. I knew at the age of 14 that there was something more. I knew by the time I was 16 that I would look at the kids that weren't.

to the Army and they would come back for the first time and tell you how great it was and wherever fucking port they were. And then you'd see them a year later and they got out and it sucked and, you know, now they're working at the MUA or something. I saw the people who went away to college that would come back on Wednesdays before Thanksgiving and tell you all this shit. And then they graduated college and ended right back up in North Bergen. And I looked at, you know, I'm...

And there's nothing wrong with coming back. No, there's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong. There's something different out there to see what the rest of the world has to offer, you know? Listen, there's two types of people, Tanya. There's the people that stay in North Bergen or in New Jersey or in Boston or in Brooklyn or in the Bronx and their big vacation resort is Atlantic City or Miami, and that's what they do till they fucking die.

And you know what? I love those people. That's what they probably think people like you and I are fucking crazy, Tanya. I'm sure they do. I know they do. They think we're fucking, who the fuck? graduates high school picks up and gets the fuck 2,000, 3,000 miles from where their heartbeat is. Who does that?

Columbus. I think you really can't choose it. I think it chooses you, don't you think? It has to because you find the career, you know, it's so hard who people are unhappy, then you have another handful of people who are happy, and they've obviously found what works for them to do on a daily basis. You sound, if I listen to your voice, you love what. what you do. But think of all the people that don't have that because maybe Tanya, they had an obligation that they stuck to or dumb loyalty and didn't move on with their life. We didn't. We said,

fuck all the loyalties. We're going to go out. I'm still from North Bergen. It makes me who I am today. Absolutely. You can't take that away. And I see it with you. That's why you become so successful because you took what they taught you in Pepadine and mixed it with what you saw growing up where the fuck we saw growing up. You know, we saw some shit, Tanya. We saw our eighth grade teacher get arrested, Wally Lindsay. I remember that like it was yesterday. Who the fuck grows up and sees their fucking teacher arrested for corruption?

You know, now teachers got arrested for what, for fingering a kid or molesting a kid or something stupid? You can't even hug a kid that's crying anymore. You get arrested. You get arrested. So, you know, I mean, and to see the success you've had, And when I was talking to you yesterday about your blog and what you wanted to do medically and, you know, Dr. Phil, it's amazing that you want to help people. Well, the thing is Coco, I mean, like you said, some people are just miserable. And I think it's more people than not, unfortunately.

And people tend to go to doctors to fix them, right? Like, I have a problem. Neck pain, fix me. You know, you have a kidney infection. You go to the kidney doctor, fix me. But the truth is that no doctor can fix the damage that a poor lifestyle calls. causes. And lifestyle's everything. The physical stuff's the easy shit. Honestly, Coco, people come to me and they say, can you fix my neck pain? And I'm like, you know what,

that's so easy. I can fix your neck pain, but why do you have it? Do you hate your life? Are you going bankrupt? Do you hate your work? Are you eating McDonald's three times a day? So I can't fix that stuff for them, but I have to address it with them. I'm going to tell them the truth. I'm not, I'm not once a candy coat. Oh, no problem. One of my very first patients, Coco came to me. She was morbidly obese, 400 plus pounds, and she had heel pain, both of her heels hurt. And she said, I've been to podiatrist, orthopedic surgeons, my primary care. They've given me cortisone shots.

They've given me medication. They've given me special shoes. No one can fix my heel pain. And I sat across from her, and I took her hand, and I looked in her eyes. And I said, you're heels hurt because you're morbidly obese, and they weren't designed to carry around 400 pounds. and she looked and he was tears in her eyes. She said, Dr. Tanya, she said, no one has ever had the nerve to tell me that. She said, you know, on some level, I know that, but no one has had the nerve to tell me that.

And together she and I came up with it, you know, we just, we try to figure out why is it that she's morbidly obese? Is she emotionally eating? Is she eating because she felt unattractive? You know, if she's feeding her soul and not her body, you know, it's very complicated, but we partner with our patients. and she made some changes that made her lose weight. And guess what? Her friggin' heel stopped hurting. Now, that wasn't the easy way, but it was the right way.

How many pounds did she lose? So these messages, Coco, that I've been having with my patients, these conversations that I've had over the years, again, I'm a back doctor, okay, chiropractors or doctors that address your health through your spine. But when you know better, you do better. I know that if a mother comes in, a single mother that's having a financial difficulty, that's raising kids on our own. If she comes in with migraine headaches, I can adjust her neck,

but she has migraine headaches because her life sucks. And I can't make her life not suck, but I can hold her hand and counsel her and lead her to a place that maybe offers low-cost counseling, or I can encourage her to go to mom's group where she can get free babysitting for her kids and have a couple hours a week by herself, and she can manage her stress.

So these conversations that I've had with my patients, one-on-one over the years, I just felt called after, you know, 25 years in practice to have on a broader level. So in my office, I can treat one patient at a time. And on my blog, I can treat literally thousands of people at a time. And I can't tell you, you know, we're relatively new, but the hundreds and hundreds of people that are responding to me, there are thousands going to my site. But there are hundreds and hundreds that are reaching out to me saying, wow, I wish someone would have told me this. Thank you for being honest.

We talk about pregnancy and the fact that, you know, yes, hot cocoa. I don't know if your wife did this, but when you push a baby out, you often poop. And people don't know that, and it happens to them, and they're mortified, and they're embarrassed. And I talk about that, because when you know that it happens to everybody, you don't feel like the freak. So I have these conversations that maybe aren't dinner table conversations, but they're honest and real and meaningful, and people respond to them. And I just felt really called to reach your wider audience, and I'm having a blast. I am having an absolute blast. And I'm still seeing patients in my office, like four hours a week, just to keep my hands in it a little bit.

But I love writing on my blog. I love being on Facebook and answering questions and, you know, just bringing what I feel is really good, solid information, within every girl twist to my audience. You know, there's great health information out there. You can read Andrew Weil. He's brilliant. You know, Sanjay Gupta on CNN, he's brilliant. Dr. Oz, they're good guys, but they're so freaking dry.

I want to nod off. I mean, I can't absorb information unless I'm laughing and engaged. So I take that good, solid health information, and I put it through my lens. And my lens is like, Stephanie Frankel. You know, I'm a little raunchy. I'm a little risque. Like today's post is called the new foreplay. And it's about talking to guys.

If you want to get laid more, don't bring home flowers and chocolate. Do the freaking dishes. A vacuum. Your wife comes home and finds you sold a laundry. You're getting lucky. All right? So that's not health care. That's lifestyle care.

But I guarantee you, you're getting laid, she's getting laundry done, you're connecting on that emotional level, you have a happier life and you're healthier. So that's the kind of stuff I talk about on my blog. It's just life. It's not back pain. It's life. It's how do you manage your life to be happier, more peaceful, and healthier. See, Tanya, in all your conversation, I just heard the North Bergen come back.

You did? No, no, no, no. There's the beauty of it. It had nothing to do with your accent. It had to do with honesty. That's all we ever wanted. I mean, most of the kids we grew up with got shocked into honesty. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like when Anthony Balzano died, we got shocked into being honest. You know, and I have the same problem out here, you know, with my career. Sometimes you've got to tell people what the fuck's on your mind. Because before we became comedians or chiropractic or anything, we're fucking human beings. and you know, John Lennon said it best being honest might not get you too many friends but it'll get you the right ones Absolutely

That's it and that's what we took from North Bergen That you know Hey listen I have problems with a lot of people Because I'll tell you the fuck off You know I don't need this fucking job I don't need a lot of things We were looking for a job when we found this one And I have the same thing with the podcast

This podcast I just want to tell people the truth I want to tell people that they could fucking do it on you They can do whatever the fuck they want. People try to throw roadblocks at you. Look at you. Fucking Pepper Dine. A girl from a one-way street in North Bergen, right?

You live on a one-way street, right? No, it's a dead end. A dead-end street with a sliding rock. Off of liberty. And my mother, you know, was an immigrant. You know, we all were first-generation Americans, all of us. I mean, you were born in Cuba, right? Yeah.

So my mother grew up in Germany, my father in Italy, but he wasn't really around. And she did a great job, my mom. But, boy, I mean, if she knew half of stuff we did, or hair would be even curlier than it is now. I mean, we were, we were crazy. You know, we did think that, no, I was like 10 years old when I started hanging out with you. You know, no 10-year-old should see what I saw and do what I did. But, you know, I go to Pepperdine, and I'm like a Tolkien scholarship kid. You know, here's me, you know, really rough around the edges.

No money, you know, that there, I was very uncouth, shall we say. And here I'm dropped into this life of literally the rich and famous. I mean, the children of kings and queens and heads of countries were going to school with me. I mean, they had more cash in my wallet than my family made in a year probably. I'd be very honest with you. You know, partying at nightclubs, partying with movie stars. And I was like, in one way, it was in my element because I'd been around that whole party thing, you know, a lot with you guys. So I wasn't intimidated by that fact.

But it was who I was doing it with. Here was, like, parting in the trenches back east. And here I'm, like, hanging out with, like, heads of countries. you know, partying on the West Coast. And I think, you know, the, maybe I was uncouth, but I had the street smarts. And that has gotten me a very long way. And we teach our girls that. Like, you know, I have two teenage daughters. And gosh, they make me so proud I could just weep. You know, they're beautiful, really, really nice girls. They both play varsity volleyball. They're smart as a wet. One's going to college next year. The other one's, you know, a sophomore in high school.

and I think I look at them as 15 and 17, and I thought, oh, what I had done at your age, you know, it really kind of freaks me out, and I'm so glad that you're not doing those things, but I do want you to have that street smart that helped me to be a survivor. So when they were little, Coco, I'd take them to the mall, and you should do this with your daughter when she gets a little older. They were little kids, like three and four, and I'd take them to the mall, and I said, okay, if you got lost right now, who do you go to for help? and they look around, they have these big beautiful eyes, you know,

and they look around and they point to like someone, and I say, now, why do you point to that person? Well, I know you told me that policeman can help me, but I got a funny feeling in my stomach when I looked at that policeman. I didn't want to go to him. I want to go to that mommy. She has kids, and she's laughing and smiling, and I feel like she would protect me.

I mean, that could make me weep, Coco, you know, that a kid, that age could have that gut sense of who to go to and not and I said, never, never lose that. You must always listen to your gut. And we take, you know, and different experiences. We don't make it like a full-time job, but, you know, like we're out, you know, we take them to New York City and I say, now if you got lost, what would you do? You know, what would you do in this situation? You car broke down, your cell phone was said. What would you do? You have to give them tools to be a survivor, so they're never going to fall victim. You know, they can always take care of themselves in that way. So I don't, like I said,

we don't overdo a cocoa, but we want them to be tough girls, tough enough that no one's going to take advantage of them. You know, Tanya, I always thought that my mom was preparing me for this day. I always felt in my heart that my mom prepared me for the day when she died. I always, till this day, she had a vision. She knew she was going. You know, she taught me how to vacuum. She taught me how to do my laundry. Until this day, even when Wana comes in to take care of the baby and stuff, I always do my own laundry. And it's because of those things. And you're right. You have to prepare your kids. You have to talk to your kids like it's the last day.

What the fuck are you going to do? You know, I work my ass off now, so what happened to me doesn't happen to my daughter. You know, I just got a will, you know? Because my mom died without a will and I got fucked in the ass. Little things like that that I don't ever want my daughter to go through. Because life is life. And people do die.

And people do get hit by cars and people pass on. And your kids got to be fucking ready. If my mom didn't make a street, you know, Tanya, I was just home. You know, I was home about four weeks ago. And you want me to tell you what I noticed about where we're from, that area 38th Street? You know what sticks out? The fucking hills. You and I have walked, I love to look at our hearts and see how strong our hearts are.

Because how many times did we walk up those fucking hills, Tanya? Up that hill to the freaking bus stop. Are you kidding me? I mean, when people laugh and say, up hill goes away to school, We really did. I was in San Francisco last week, and I saw some hills. And four weeks ago, I was home, and I saw those fucking hills, just from the park up to the dragon grocery,

where the Chinese guy used to fucking, just that walk there. Never mind the walk to Shitson Park through there, because you still had to walk up to Kennedy Boulevard and catch the bus to Sears. But what if you went up the project way? Next time you go home, show your door to that hill, and go, I walked up that hill 80 fucking times. I tell them that 80, please, probably 480.

And the first day of freshman year of Northburg High School, I wore candy sandals. You don't know what candy sandals are. They had wooden heels. So it's the first day of school, early as crap. I'm walking up that freaking hell next to the projects. And you don't walk with shoes with wooden heels. That's stupid. I slipped, and my white little fancy pants got all ripped and stained.

And my first day of freshman year was so mortified. That memory is like it was yesterday. It was 30 years ago. I feel like it was yesterday. Do you still, when you go home to North Bergen, do you drive around those streets, do you go to Charles Court or go up giving that terrace ever and get goosebumps? I do all the time. I ride around. I tell my kids we used to go in the woods, like the woods behind Sabatino's house.

That was like, it was like the enchanted forest. It was probably only, honestly. How big could it have been, Coco? 50 yards, like it was like the size of a football field maybe. But we used to cut through there to go to the pool hall. And to me, it was like the enchanted forest. Like we would build clubhouses in there. We'd meet back there to make out or to hope to make out with somebody.

It was like fairyland. And, yeah, I tell the girls this. And it's very hard to visualize, you know, because now it's all built up and it's all, you know, it's all been built up. And there's no woods left there anymore. But, yeah, we drive through Charles Court. I've taken to White Castle for Murder Burgers. You know, I passed the school. We always, when we drive home, we pass McKinley School, the jail on the hill.

The fucking, even those stairs were brutal. Those stairs were brutal. I never counted them, but it was like 10 lights up to get to our school. Fuck, all that shit. No one day everybody was skinny, everybody was in great shape. You know, do you have any memories from Chuck? Because I remember you hung out there with Dean Altman and, you know, Sabatino was, I think, a year ahead of you, and Gina Jekona was maybe your age. what's like your last fucked up memory of that neighborhood that you remember?

Well, let me tell you, my first memory of you, Coco, and I don't know why you and I were in the same class. I mean, it was a very small school, so I think when our teachers were absent, they just put everybody in different classes, just to take up the slack. But I was sitting in class with you, and I must have been in fifth or sixth grade,

so you were like in seventh or eighth or eighth. And when we were kids, they used to give you crayons on your birthday. Now, I had an August birthday, So I had a bad attitude anyway, because I never got freaking crayons because my birthday was in the summertime. So I was jealous about the crayons. But somehow you were in my class the day that somebody got crayons for their birthday, and you grabbed them, and you broke them and flung them and said, fuck this shit.

Oh, my God, it's all scared about you. If you're like my sister's friend, I'm like, oh, Lisa, Coco was very, he was a bad boy in school today. He broke crayons and cursed in front of the teacher. You know, that eighth grade that I sat with your sister, that was one of those, when you think of your life, you're like, Jesus, how much did we laugh? And that we go up to shop right and shop with hubba-bubba by the fucking packages and chew it and throw it at Miss Walsh. Oh, Mrs. Wals. Miss Vorga. And then Mr. Linsley came when Ms. Verga retired.

I just spoke to Lovito a couple of fucking months ago. How was Mr. Lovito? I think he lives outside of Vegas, him and his wife. retired or something like that. I think that was the last teacher that was still left from when we were there. You know, but you looked great when I saw you in D.C. You looked really great, and it was just weird that the last two years on the road, I've seen more and more kids, but I've seen a lot of the people we grew up with, Carlos Perez and Nandi, and it's so weird how we all have that little edge to us. you know that that little part of Northbury

when we grew up down there was uh I still when you said the woods I still remember Maloney fucking angel up in the woods he like dug a ditch up there and put his sheet in the ditch and fucked it right outside in the woods I saw so many fucking things in those woods

I just remember smoking pot with Lewis and Anders and we let him remember Louis the niggins and he let you blow smoke into his afro I do I do oh my god I can just picture his face with that great smile. Holy crap. Do you remember that? We, uh, we had some good laughs. I still remember the one time with you, we dragged into Union City. We had done T.C. Crystal or something.

Me, Carlos, a bunch of us. You were walking behind us with grace or something. I still remember looking at you, and you were just this little young girl that was scared, but didn't show it. You couldn't show your fear, Tanya. You were the young this one. I honestly don't even remember being scared ever in that situation. I felt like I knew that you guys would take care of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I knew that you would then and you still would, you know.

Fucking crazy time. So talk to me about this blog and how people could find you and how they could ask you questions and anything about to do without. How can they do it, Tanya? Well, I'm on Facebook. Dr. Tanya and Coco, do me a favor if you would. Just put this on your Facebook page because people never spell my freaking name right and it kills me.

It's Dr. T-R-T-A-N-I-A. So I'm on Facebook as Dr. T-T-A-N-I-A. My website is www. Dr. Tanya.com. They can enter their email addresses on my website, and they'll get a weekly kind of mash-up of all my topics that I talk about. Again, they're kind of saucy. You know, we talk sometimes, some days it's not so saucy.

Some days it's just good solid health information, but most days I hope I teach you something and make you last too. You can leave comments on individual stories. If something moves you or you have a question about something, you can leave comments and we'll reply. I'm on Facebook like a million times a day, so someone has a comment or a question or something they want to see me write about.

I always respond to that on Facebook. Click, click like on Facebook, and you'll get our top stories as well. We don't want to bother people, but if you like what I have to say, we'll find a way to communicate with you, either on liking us on Facebook, entering your email address on our website.

But again, the spelling, you know, my mother wanted to name me Tina, but my maiden name was Messina, so Tina Messina didn't cut it. So they named me Tanya, but I've been spelling it like 100 times a day in my entire life. So it's Dr. Tanya, T-A-N-I-A. There's someone else out there who spells it differently,

and that's not me. I'm the New Jersey one. And there's some videos, and there's great articles, and I really think that you'll, hopefully your listeners will find something that touches them and makes them laugh, and there's something for the girls and something for the guys on there. And we post every day, so we have a different story every day. You know, Tanya, on the show, I talk a lot of shit and the flying Jew and we smoke pot, but we're real health oriented here.

You know, even if I'm a little overweight, we always have doctors on here and chiropractors. Well, you're the first. You're the first. So there you have it. You know, so everybody's into health. You have to take care of yourself. You know, I didn't for years. Tanya, for years, I ran on.

I even had insurance and wouldn't use it, Tanya. How foolish is that in a society? that's so desperate for insurance now. I had insurance for years and wouldn't even get a checkup. Now, everything I do is medically... Well, don't get me started on the insurance, Coco, because health, I mean, like I said, I'm going to reiterate this because it's so important

that no doctor can fix the damage from a poor lifestyle. And lifestyle's not just, you know, eating and, you know, what you eat and what you drink and exercising. It is definitely those things, but it's also being in balance in your relationships and your financial life and are you getting enough sleep.

And, I mean, if you're happy, you're healthier. I mean, that's just the bottom. It doesn't mean that happy people don't get cancer because there are other factors. But if you ignore those lifestyle factors, you're going, you know, so far down the wrong road. You just can't be miserable and be happy. It eats up inside. That's you dying. Your misery is like you're dying inside, and it's going to come out eventually.

So you're one of the happiest guys I know, one of the most grateful guys I know. I mean, you've got this beautiful wife and this beautiful daughter. You're living your dream. You're connected to your roots. I mean, you're at a huge advantage to people. who have all the trappings of health, but they're miserable. Life is too short to be miserable.

I was miserable for fucking years. I was mad at the world. I was mad at myself. And you realize, what the fuck are you mad about? What the fuck are you? What can you be mad about? This is a great place to be.

All you got to do is put your mind to it and work around it and something good will happen. Something good will always happen. If you stay pure to yourself and you're honest, and you get up every fucking morning and you're great with people.

You know, you and I, I'm not into beating people or, you know, we're into fucking telling people the truth. And that's a lot in today's society, Tanya. That's a lot. There's people out there that I fucking can't look somebody in the eye out here in L.A. where I live. Never mind telling somebody a truth. They can't even look in the eye. So it's in today's world, to sound as bad as it sound,

being honest with somebody is a complete different approach. Yeah, it shouldn't be novel, but it is. Really? I can't be, you know, how many people do you meet that are just plain sheep? They have everything to fit in. Even the fucking staple, they even get the Starbuck Coffee Cup staple to their fucking hand. That's going to be the next surgery they do. A Star Buck coffee cup fucking surgically implanted in your finger.

So you could impress people, you know, and it comes with the optional glasses look. So you can put the glasses on too. Just be your fucking self, you know? That's it. That's what we learned being down there. You can't fucking lie. funk. Do you remember when we used to pull the phone, the phone, the emergency phones off the of course we did. Oh my God, Coco, you know, you asked me my last memory of North Bergen,

and I have to say that I really think my, when I left, I left with the bang, I, right when I was leaving Pepperdine, or maybe it was during one of the summertime of Pepperdine, I got the chance to be on Wheel of Fortune. You know, we'd go out on Saturday nights and get all kinds of banged up, and on Sunday morning, we're hanging out in our dorm rooms. You know, we got big heads and were just hitting redial on all the game shows that are out there. You're trying to get to be a contestant. So I got to be a contestant on Will of Fortune. And it was hard at that point.

It was in this heyday. You know, you had to go through interviews and screen tests, and you had to play the game, and you had to go through more interviews, and I got to be on Will of Fortune. And let me tell you what, 30 years later, it's still my claim to fame. So I go back home after, and I think the show aired when I was back in Northburg and home on a break or something. And you would think I was a freak.

Pope, Coco. Tanya, you're on Wheel of Fortune, and I still get it. I think it's hysterical. In fact, Jimmy Ross, if you know, Jimmy Ross from McKinley, he just found me on Facebook. He goes, Tanya, I think about you every night. I watch Wheel of Fortune. We're so proud of you.

And I just think it's a hoot. People just really think that that whole Hollywood thing, you know, they're enamored of that. And he was like a local girl done good. I was on for three days. I won, like, you know, trips and prizes. How much did you win? How much cash? Well, at that point, Coco, it wasn't cash.

It was you had to go shopping and that stupid turnstile. So if I won, at the end of the day, I won stuff worth $26,000, this was like in 1986. But I had to spend all of it on the stuff that they had there. I remember they had a telephone answering machine. It was $300. And I'm like, are you kidding me? You know, so I totally rack it up. But I got bedroom furniture and crystal and China and a ceramic Dalmatian, and I got trips to Hong Kong.

I took my father. I took Dominic to Hong Kong. That was a boy, was that a treat. What a story. Dominic is a train wreck in Hoboken, much less in Hong Kong. And then I took my mother to Switzerland, and we went back to Germany, so she showed me, you know, where she's from. And then I took the guy I was dating at the time, Jorge, I took him to the Bahamas. So I won trips and prizes.

I still have the tape. And let me tell you, Coco, you know, I'm not half bad looking now, but I was a very late bloomer. It was not a good decade for me when I was in Will Fortunes. Put it on Facebook. Put it on Facebook, Doc. You should put it on Facebook today. Let our viewers take a look at it. Put it up like Wednesday, maybe.

I may do that. You may do that. Make sure you look at the good looking picture first before you go back and look at me on Wheel of Fortune. Because, like I said, it was not a good look for me. I was a very late bloomer. You know, you mentioned somebody early on, and you mentioned them again yesterday,

and it's weird that I told the story on Friday night about, I love the Di Lorenzo. We were talking on Wednesday, it was Friendship Day here on the podcast. We were talking about a friend of mine called in who I knew for 30 years, just like you. His name is George Kaladinsky. We went to summer school together freshman year. He was from Cliffside, but it's so funny that I was telling the story about the DeLorenzo's. And you like me were family over there.

You know, I think of Barb once a week. The mother was the fucking patron saint of 88th Street and 50. I met him when they were on 51st Street. I'm sure you knew him from Hoboken. stuff. Oh, absolutely. I mean, Barbara was my godmother. Right.

You know, I grew up with those boys. I used to walk into the electrical union. She's the one that got me into the electrical unit. I mean, I just love Barb. Something about it, she just, we got along and we hit it off, but I was thinking about, and I was telling these guys the story about Emil.

The eldest son, was he the older one or Chris was? No, Chris is the oldest, and Emil is the middle. You know, I grew up with Kurt, but it turned out I loved Amiel. with all my heart. I loved Amiel with every bit of heart and Amyo used to make us laugh. So one summer

Amiel hired me and Glenn Conti as his assistants in the plumbing business. Did you know about this? No, no, but I can only imagine. And it was basically, you know, we'd take him to the city, we'd go to Washington, we'd work in the mornings from nine to one, we'd really work, and then

about one, we took him to McSorley's, and we'd go to Washington Square Park, and he'd go get his bag of goodies, and I'd go get mine, and Conti will go get his. We'd get Valiums and stuff like that, and he would get a little taste of his age and stuff, and we'd go get high, and then that's it. There was no more fucking plumbing. And we did this for a year or so, and we became tight. So he used to date Dona Chinsoon, the hot little Chinese chick, remember? I do. I absolutely do. She was half Chinese and half Irish. Now, I lived with them in 84. I was in Colorado, and I came home, and I ended up living in Kurt's bedroom.

So it was me, Kurt, and Amiel in the bedroom in the back, and Chris and his girlfriend and the parents lived there. So I had moved out of something. I was living downtown. And at night, when you woke up there, you never knew what you were going to wake up to in the mornings. Isn't that the truth? Oh, my God.

And I would wake up, and there would be Amiel and Donichinson, completely naked on the couch, and she'd have her legs spry it open, and I'd sit there and eat my cereal and make believe I was watching cartoons just the whole time looking at a pussy. He was fucking tremendous. So did you ever hear the story when he cooked the French fries?

You know, it's ringing a bell. You know, I can't get past the fact they used to ductate me. They used to ductate me and throw me in the closet because I was too little. Like they would make me rub their backs. We'd hang out and they wanted to go on with their adult pursuits. But they had to watch me. So they would put me in the closet. So I can't get past that.

But I know there was a French fry incident. Tell me about it. The French fry incident was Amy. You came home with two in the morning. high as fuck on H. And he took those hot friars and he put the thing on. You know, you had to heat the oil.

And those things are unsafe as fuck. You know, you can buy them over the counter. The little ones like in the 80s, they were unsafe as fuck. He heated to the oil and threw French fries in there, went in the living room and fell asleep. The grandmother lived downstairs. The boneheads, and we called them bonehead. That was my name for Emil, rest in peace.

and he's on the couch he passes out the kitchen goes on fire old man amiel gets up wakes kurt up wakes chrisie up runs down they take the grandmother out in the wheelchair

they're all outside they're looking at the fire department comes and they make a hole in the kitchen because there was so much heat in the kitchen they're all outside the fire department says is everybody here that lived in the house they're like yeah wait a second

amyel's missing right they go in the house and there's amyel asleep on the chair and they go amyel amy you amy and he wakes up he goes what my french fries ready yeah oh get the fuck off me

where's my fries that you're fries where's my french fries you just burnt the fucking kitchen down tanya always a pleasure I was great to see you thank you for the book you sent my wife she's going to read it again on the way to Nashville on Wednesday and uh come back on the show whenever the fuck you want whatever you have to promote whatever you want to talk about you were beautiful this morning I'm proudly I love you thanks Coco well thanks for giving me the opportunity it was so

great to see you doing stand up in D.C. I can't wait to see you again I haven't laughed that long that that hard in a really really long time I'm very proud of you I'm proud of you guys and that's my best of your husband I love you flying juice say hello you didn't even talk to Tanya hey Dr. Tanya Hey, how are you? Good. I like seeing him on the podcast. I watched you last night talking about Biancolo.

About Danny. Oh. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Look, he's all cool. I smoked hash with him today. Look at him. He's all fucked up.

I don't know how you guys do that in the morning. I don't do it. He doesn't. What the fuck? You got to get up and bang it out. I love you, Tanya. Thank you, my love. Have a great day.

Bye, guys. You too. So go to Dr. Tanya. W-W-W-W-T-T-Nia.com. T-A-N-A. She's a bad motherfucker. I'm very proud of her. She's beautiful.

I mean, it's amazing what she's done with herself. I can see how funny would be getting her. Because Lisa is in the documentary, and I met Lisa, and they seem like they seem like they might be similar. They seem very similar. Let me give some shoutouts. Let me get the fuck out of here, all right? As usual, I got to tell you,

on it comes fucking through. I'm living on that alpha brand again. You know, I got too many red blood cells, and I think it's that fucking shroom tech because they put those sybicilin fucking mushrooms in there. You know what? I should be getting the vanilla hemp force this week. Once I drink it, I'll let you know how it is. Vanilla Hemp Force. They ain't fucking around.

And I heard from Rogan, I heard from somebody else that tastes tremendous. I love vanilla shakes. I'm a vanilla shake man thin every time I go out, so I'm in fucking heaven. Don't get me wrong. I'll bang out a couple chocolate shakes if you let me. Go to honor.com and press what dog? Church. Like that.

C-H-R-C-H. Just C-H. You are C-H. What do you laughing about? Do you smoke this? Did you try to pretend you're not high? And you just put away, like, two extra joins during that conversation. You know me, dog?

I don't fucking run. I ain't got the, and it's got the hash in it. I got shit to do. You know, I got shit to do. I got to get high to that. I got to go throw kettlebells around. I got to go to an audition. I love it.

You don't want no more this? No. You're not in on this? I'm not. Let me give some shout-outs, all right? My main man, John Manchester. Royal G, go to his YouTube fucking page. He's up jumping up and down.

Gary Gray, a little bloat. like dude cool motherfucker Nikki D Big Nick from Sydney I love you cock sucker And Zach Donda And again Alan Rodriguez He sent us some beautiful fucking things He sent us a playlist

Of all the music we play on this You were telling me that Tremendous I think I left you one here There was it here? No no I didn't bring it up with me I fucked up He got away I love all this shit

You know what I'm saying I love smoking dope I love Mondays You gotta get up on Mondays And fucking soul You gotta look good. That's why you gotta go to dollar shave club and you gotta fucking get a package either a dollar Six dollars or nine dollars a month get razors get the whole fucking cartridge You get the juju juice the shaving butter with the nine dollar package the beautiful thing about this you gotta fix you got a fixed

You got a fixed amount every fucking month so if you spend six dollars a month on raises that's 72 dollars a year That leaves you money for refa to get a strip clubs to jump up and down you go to UFC's you can buy a fucking yarmica you can do whatever fuck you want to do and also I want to give a shout out the Hulu Plus they just added some more shows I think supernatural Hulu Plus keeps getting better and better and the deal remains the same I'm gonna give you two weeks for free you're gonna press in Joey in the box Joey J-O-E-Y in the box Hulu they gonna give you two weeks gratis you go through there I don't give a fuck if you live on Hulu for two weeks go take advantage of it and then paymate 99 a month 799 a month I'm slipping

I'm going over. You can believe the deal was that good. $8 times $10, that's $80. $96. Fuck, how much? $96 a year. You get Hulu Plus. For 72, you get the raises.

So for $200, I get your Hulu Plus, I get your TV, and you can look sharp. So when you bring the bitches over, you eat popcorn, bang! And you're shaved. That's how we do it here. Hulu Plus, give it a shot. Columbus Day. Today's Columbus Day.

You got to do something outside the norm. If you've never jumped off a building, jump off a fucking building. Well. If you've never... What, bitch? What are you going to do today outside the law?

I don't know. You jump off a building. Well, whatever. Put a fucking parachute on. I don't give a fuck. You got to do something. It's Columbus. Columbus went around the fucking world

to discover. He took a chance. He killed Indians. He raped motherfuckers. He did a bunch of bad things, but today they give him a fucking day off. Well, what the fuck you laugh about here? I'm talking to these people.

But I love you guys. I had a great time in San Francisco, man. I really did. I don't know. A lot of people don't know. That's why I cut my... criminal teeth I used to use

fucking credit cards up there travelers checks when you could use travelers checks they wouldn't ask you for an ID and match up the fucking signature Chinatown they would let you do

whatever the fuck those Chinese people don't give a fuck corruption is their middle name Chinese C for corruption and you were right now when I told

I'm just thinking about deals now I took Virgin on the way home that's awesome I've never flown virgin before what'd you fly up there Southwest and when'd you fly back up here

Virgin American? Yeah. How fucking cool. It was awesome. I went in and I had a, I did the price line thing because tickets were crazy. And they put me in a middle seat and I don't do well in middle seats. So I walked in a six in the morning. I asked, they put me in one of the, like the sixth row or something, which I think is normally like more expensive. I walked up. Even the guy at the gate was talking really quietly and he was like all nice and it was awesome. Like a leather seat. Did you have somebody next to you? No. I had someone in the window seat. And it was nice. Did you order some food?

food in there? No, it's like a 45 minute flight. You might as well get your party store. You got a Irish cream and ice cubes on the rocks. No. What the fuck, Lee? You're going to drink at 6 a hand? You're representing the church. You got to put your fucking leg up with a cocktail. Every time I go to one of your shows, I'm like, all right, I'm just going to drink tonight. I would like to go to a bar after with everyone. Every time I get too high and I end up going back and going

to sleep. What the fuck is the matter with you? I ain't going. That's why I want eating animals every day. I don't know how you do it. I'm trying to get you up there in that shape and I don't want to be up there. You got to be up there. You understand me? So, we talked about some great stuff today. It's Monday.

Listen, all I want you to do is get up and get the fuck out there. San Francisco, I loved you, motherfuckers, and I'm happy you guys came out and supported. I'm sorry of some of my shows were a little fucked up. Ari kicked ass.

And my man, Butch kicked ass. Next week, I'm in Ontario. Starting Thursday. The 16th, 17th, and 18th, Ontario Improv. Get your tickets. I don't know what the fuck the phone numbers. Go online.

And the week after that, I'm in Jackson, motherfucking, Tennessee. Jackson, Tennessee, at Harvey, South Street. Go down there and get some pasta. I'm doing one show at 9 o'clock, tickets to 20 fucking bucks. Come on down. I'm going to be up there with my wife and my niece.

What the fuck, Lee. Oh, shit. Oh, you're bringing the niece? Yeah. Is that the first time she's going to see you? Yep. Are you nervous? No, I don't want my niece.

My niece is a little... That's what I was going to say, because you love your niece. I can't imagine. I love my niece. I don't want her any around my fucking hooligan friends and shit. And seeing my little fucking disgusting ass on stage, you know what I'm saying. But I'm happy you show. up today. You look good. You got high early on.

I want to thank all our sponsors. I want to thank everybody who listens to the podcast. The T-shirts and the hats are coming soon. The designs. Oh, shit. Long-sleeved sweatshirt. Hoodies. A fucking Jiu-Jitsu patch. A fucking Sons of Anarchy-Type type fucking gangster. It's going to say, Dead Squad, and the church up on... Are you fucking kidding me or what? Get out there, motherfuckers. Smoke some reefer. A little oatmeal. Take some vitamins. Drink some water. Get out there. fucking live your fucking dream you only get one shot at this bro

once you're in that fucking hole there ain't no coming back even the crow the crow came back for a couple hours but that's the crow you know what I'm saying the guy recently son oh look who the fuck is the fucking crow he came back for a couple hours but I think he didn't issue on your street or something no no coming there ain't no coming back so get it together I love you cocksuckers

see you Wednesday with an afternoon special podcast where my man Tom Rhodes is in the fucking house I love you cocksucker stay black play for them, Lee. I will. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC,

smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of HuluPlus when you go to Huluplus.com or go to JoeyDiaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar ShaveClub.com. You'll get high-quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay

at retail. Go to Dollar Shave Club dot com slash church or joey diaz.net and click on the dollar shape club man. I love you guys. Have a great day. There we go. You're gonna have a great day. You're closing up with this shit. I love you motherfuckers. Wednesday, 1 o'clock. Tom Rhodes in the fucking house. Friday, Thursday, Saturday, Ontario Improv. Next week. Jackson, whatever. South Street. Get your details now, cocklicters. I love you. Have a great day. Be safe.

Do it, Lee. Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God I don't know but today seems kind of breakfast with no