The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 10/16/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #120

Episode Date: October 17, 2013

Comedian Tom Rhodes joins us in studio. his podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 10/16/2013.

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Or just go to Joey Diaz.com and click on a little bit. dollar shave club banner. Oh shit. It's fucking Wednesday cocksuckers. Wash your feet, scrub your asshole. It might go down today. You never know what the fuck's going to happen.

If it was the Mickey Mouse Club today, you know what the Mickey Mouse Club is today? You know what happened on Wednesday? You don't know what's going to happen on Wednesday. Is that what they used to call it? You might get pasta. You might get fucked in the ass in the alley. You might get comidia.

Don't know, but you got to leave the fucking house. Do it leave. Oh shit. Last night, Little Rock, what? Wednesday, October 16th. What are you gonna do with yourself? You're gonna sit there like a fucking mook? It's a beautiful day to be alive.

Tom Rhodes in the house, the Flying Jews in the house, and this is what it's all about Baist at Lee. We're an American bag. Send that motherfucker home. I like Rahm Zombie, but he fucked up. Trying to remake American Band. He tried to remake it. Sounds like Dick. I love you, Rob Zombie.

I love you rap zombie, but stick to Halloween cuck, sucker, all right? By the way, you want to fucking make songs and shit about an American band. Top Broads in the house. Joey. The flying Jews in the house. What's up, baby? What's going on, Joey? You know what, I can't call it.

You what? I can't call it. It's Wednesday. This shit going on. It's a beautiful fucking day to be your live. We're in L.A. It's sunny. You know what I'm saying?

What are you going to do? Incredible. It's October. It's like summer. We're going to get that type of weather. Tehran. We're going to get that type of fucking weather. it's fucking beautiful. What's happening, baby?

Talk to them. Tell me something good. I read a thing. It was a university study that said women were more attracted to men with beards. What are you going to do? And it was Tehran University. I look like I'm six without it. So, even with the... I used all a shave club on the sides, but I can't...

I look, I'm already like a young kid, so I look, I have to have it. I don't know. Have you ever had a beer? Never. And I think today's popularity of men wearing beards is that we secretly fear a Muslim invasion. What? What else would everybody have beers?

I don't know. Or they're getting ready for the Muslim invasion because they might get getting fucking whipped and shit. You never had a beard, have you, Joey? I can't grow nothing. I barely have hair on my fucking... I am proud to say I've never had a goatee. I have never owned a pair of crocs.

And something else. Well, is it... Because I heard on some podcast that some comedians think that it, like, separates you from the audience. Is it because you're a comic or is it just you didn't like beards? I didn't like beards. Okay. Yeah.

Fuck it. You don't like Castro? You don't like Castro? You don't say that's just the way of the fucking thing. I was always kind of cute. I didn't have anything to hide. No, no. I always, uh, I never could fill in.

So I grew a goatee for a movie, but it took me a month just to get like a fucking a half inch. You know what? That's it. I don't have, I got really a baby face hair growth. No, it's a fucking night, man. Some people look good with a beard. Some people don't. I don't look good, natural.

You know what I'm saying? Some people are just ugly. Nothing you can do could help you. Right. But it kills me like people you see people in Florida or Texas with these big bushy long-ass beards. It's like 100 degrees there. Well, you know, whatever. Wait until they fight popcorn in that, motherfucker.

I went to the weed store this morning. The guy had fucking contacts. Like he's like, anything different about me? I don't know. What are you coming on to me? Why? Look at my eyes. They're different.

Who are the fuck? It's a little ugly fuck. You know what I'm saying? You can change your eyes. You can do all that shit. We were talking about something interesting on the way. up here, we were talking about the documentary last night, which I

really look forward to. I found out when I was in San Francisco with Ari, when the restaurant it came on. And we all grew up in Roberto Durant, the older generation. You know, 30 years ago, guys, there was boxing on television. It was a golden age of boxing, man. It was so many great fighters. The 70s and 80s.

And there was so many epic pounds, man. And so many young, like, Pepino Cuervas. You just had endless amount of Francis Aguil or whatever's name was not Francis. Argueo, you had Duran, you had all these people, Aaron Pryor, who drank the fucking potion

and beat the guy up. Right. And these guys were fighting a lot and defending the titles. They were fighting four times of fucking year. It felt like they were fighting four times a fucking year. Those Sugar Ray Leonard fights with Duran, I think, are some of the greatest fights of all time. That's how I know the Spanish

no mas. No must. No. From that fight. And he said he never said no moss. That's what Howard Cochell said. He was for starters. That's the first thing he told Sugar I remember the dudes still in the towel, there was no dispute in the towel. And the guy kept asking him, did you want to fight?

And he goes, no more. But the funny thing is that, you know, we were all fans of Duran. This country was there. I mean, he would fight. He was a fucking animal. He was an animal with a beard. You know, Sports Illustrated

went to do a story on him. And in front of Sports Illustrator, he picked up a cat and killed it. What? What? This guy just wasn't there. So, you know, when he went at you, he went out of you like a fucking savage.

I mean, he fucking killed the guy. The guy died two weeks later in the Bronx. Watch it on YouTube. Watch any of his fights on YouTube. Then he started getting soft when Thomas hit Man Hurons and all that. But when he fought, you know, I read the book. They're doing a movie now, by the way. About to Ray.

De Niro and Scorsese, they're shooting here, and they're shooting in Panama. This is why he's getting resurfaced again. It's off the book. He was raised on the street. His parents sold him to some fucking kid. Wow. The guy was a magician. like a guy that read cards or something

I don't remember the whole thing and the rest is history so imagine the anger in his fucking heart and one day you started punching your motherfuckers you know when I'm watching him last night I'm thinking this is before MMA this is before Jiu Jitsu was around but it wasn't it wasn't mainstream how it is now

if you fought Duran on the street he would kill you his ability to move his shoulders and how he would control he was just a fucking beast and this is to prove the beast in the chapter when he went to Montreal he's walking this way there's a big media thing for this fight they're blowing up

the first fight I don't know if you know this Sugar Ray is walking this way with Dennis' first wife Sugar Ray smiles he says that's you know it's my wife he calls her a fucking whore who gives her a fucking finger yeah I mean sugar

oh dog and that's when he lost the fight. Wow it was all a mental thing but Durand didn't play mental he was just a gorilla and you know I understand Spanish and this is what a lot of people don't know the two most racist fucking countries in the world

and I hate to say this is a Cuba did you know that Cuba is racist as shit I get my uncle to come over here who's my mother's brother my mother's light skin like me my mother's brother has a little bit of a tan they used to tell them to go back to the fucking Congo

yeah the neighbor the black neighbor in Cuba is called the Congo okay that's how prejudice they fucking are Cuba on paper that's why when they sent all those Cuban refugees didn't send no white ones did they they send fucking chocolate fucking Cuba over here. They're all fucking African Cubans, which I love.

It gives the flavor to that country, but they're racist. And number two is Panama. George's grandmother. On the interview. How many times she didn't say nigger on the interview? And she spit and fucking Google. Every time she said niggas,

she spit on the floor because it's the way they're raised. It's like black people fucking do dog fights. It's in their culture. But in Panama, it's so fucking racist. Like the white Panamanians against the darkest skin Panamanians. So that's where

the hatred came from, which they didn't discuss in the media. He kept calling him in fucking interviews. He was calling him a fucking Negro. In Spanish, but you, what are you saying? Oh, he's saying it's very nice to fuck. No. He was calling him a fucking Negro Pallas a conio sumale. You're so my

own britt. That's what he was saying in interviews. I'm more of a man than that fucking Negro. Wow. You know, so the anger was in his heart. Yeah, fucking lifted his game when he's Oh my God. It was like you had a... But Sugar Ray didn't know he was racist. This is what...

Some of the actor told him in his camp just to... This is what's under your culture. You don't even know you're racist when you say it. Because Sugarford Leonard was so handsome. It was amazing that, you know, that guy remained so handsome. He was America's child. This was America's child. This is the Dallas Cowboys against the fucking Oakland Raiders.

Yeah. And two of them just got out of jail. You know what I'm saying? One of them just killed their mother. The other one's an arsonist. So you have these two fighters. This is America. You know, you're too young.

I'm breaking it down for people. This is it. It's a fucking Thursday night's fight. It's on paper view. Not even pay per view. It was close there. No, you had to pay 35 bucks and go to the track or go somewhere. 35.

Oh, fuck. This was all brand new. And Duran beat the fuck out of in Montreal. But then they redid the fight again. And that's when he said no, Mawas in the eighth or seventh round. So the documentary is based on him going to Panama

Sugar Ray to find out now 30 years later what the fuck really happened that night so they broke down all the excuses that he had a hot steak than a cup of cold water you know he had all these excuses but you know

there's a place in New York City called Victor's Cafe like Columbus Circle up there 60th Street it's open until four or five and after that fight years later Durand would go there He was in New York on a tear. You know, after that fight was in Duran.

Like, he was on coke and alcohol before that second fight. But after that fight and quitting, he went on a tear. He gained a bunch of weight. And he still probably, Duran will still fight you if there's 50 bucks involved. He's one of those guys that he fought that he was 44. Big and fat with a bald head.

It was ugly, but he fought because he had tax problems, whatever the fuck he had. I heard one night that he was in Victor's Cafe, from a good friend of mine, and that he came in. He used to go into VIII. Victor's a lot at night and he was blasted in those days and he you know he he's a macho guy without alcohol and drugs

Can you imagine you fucking sit at a table talking to time road and he comes over? He's like you got a t-shirt in my restaurant get the fuck up He was a scary guy So one night somebody said something to him and he started going off and his coke binge and he started talking about that he didn't lose the fucking fight That he wants America to know he was gonna take the die but part of the deal was that sugar ray didn't clown around That's what really bothered him. If you watch the documentary and you watch before the first fight, I'll know because I understand that street Spanish. He's saying, I don't like him clown around.

I'm going to teach him I'm more of a man than he is. So he didn't like the clown around. He didn't care if he took the dive because then they'd have three. It would have been the trilogy. And that's what a man, then Duran would have probably hit him with a fucking stick by that point. But when he came out, if you watched that fight, they said that Sugar A was doing all that shit to humiliate him. It took him off his game.

In the eighth round, he quit. Because he knew he was going to take a dive. He knew he was going to take a dive. He just didn't want to take a dive like that. He didn't want the guy clowning him. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to be clowning. You're going to knock me out, knock me the fuck out.

I'll go down. And if you watch the footage from the fight, if you watch the 30-30, this is a championship caliber fighter. He's a championship caliber fighter, Duran. He'll hit you. And if you watch a documentary, please tape it and watch this and email me. You could see that Sugar Ray is four feet away, and Duran still throwing up.

punches. Durand didn't size up anyway. He didn't have that type of mind. The ram was to hit you and fucking overpower you, you know? So they went down to Panama. I thought that he would cop to it. They went head to head in the ring. He asked him what happened. He goes, for starters, I never told, I never said no mass. I just said, I didn't want to fight no more. Kosell put those words in my mouth. And number two, he went on the trilogy, and that's when I stopped talking. He went on some story about hot steak. A cup of coffee or something.

You know, the beautiful thing about life right now is that you can watch that fight and all those fights on YouTube. On YouTube. I love boxing. I read this phenomenal book last year. It's called Jack Jons, I'm sorry, Jack Dempsey and the Roaring 20s.

And Jack Dempsey was a hell of a fighter. Hell of a fighter. He started out in, like, he was born in Colorado, but grew up in, like, mining towns in Utah. And as a teenager, he would go these mining camps and into little saloons in Utah, him and his brother, he'd go around and challenged, who's the baddest motherfucker in here? And then they'd go out and fight and people in the bar would all put down money and shit. And so that's how he fighted, fighting like guys,

the toughest guys in mining camps. So his fights were amazing. This whole book is about like the America back then and the 20s and what was going on. He had a black sparring partner from New Orleans, who was like a guy that he loved. And he hired him as his personal valet so that when he traveled around, he could sleep in the all-white hotels and stuff. And Jack Dempsey was a beautiful guy. I took care of a lot of people. But the great thing while reading this book is, all these classic fights are on YouTube.

As I'm reading the book, I'd get to a fight and I'd look it up on YouTube, boom, fucking there it is. And, you know, these are, this is like these great fights in the Twitter. He fought this Argentinian guy, the bull of the pompous. And this guy was a fucking savage. I'm half Argentinian. My mom's from Argentina. But there's that famous painting of a boxer being knocked out of the ring.

That was Jack Dempsey. This guy, you watch this fight, Furpo. Go look up Dempsey versus Furpo. What was the fight, though? In the States of Argentina. It was in New York. And DeFerpo knocks Jack Dempsey out of the ring. But it's in the first round.

Before then, Dempsey knocks this guy down like seven times. And this guy is a big truck animal. That's how fucking hard Dempsey hit. And because of that fight, they made all these rules because Jack Dempsey landed on the sportswriters desk on the table with all the typewriters. And they lifted him up and put him back in. And the rule is now you have to get back. into the ring on your own. Back then,

if you knocked a dude down, you could stand over him. And as he's trying to get up, you could fucking nail him again. So they made the rule after that. A lot of rules were made after that Dempsey furbo fight. And then Jack Johnson,

this black heavyweight champion, he lost to this guy Corbe, some French dude in Havana. And Jack Johnson, you know, he was running around with white women and really upsetting people. in the 19s, 19-teens, you know, whatever he was champ. But there's the fight in Havana, Cuba, where Jack Johnson gets beat by this Corbe French dude,

and he threw the fight because it was like 12 o'clock, noon fight in Havana. It was sunny, and Jack Johnson, he's being counted out. He lifts his glove up to shade his eyes from the sun. And this fight is like, whatever, 1917, I don't know 1908 whenever the fuck and you can see it on YouTube

it's amazing it's beautiful that's what's great that was like cameras were just invented that's a great somebody in Ken Havana set up a fucking

camera it was probably like one of the first five cameras and filmed this man and we can watch this now I read a I'm gonna look up those Durant yeah I read a do

oh no they're all on there I'm gonna go on a there's one on there there where he fights the guy from the Bronx who who he beat up really bad in the ring and then two weeks later the guy was changing a tire

and the Jack killed him. But in that fight they're trying to, it's a beautiful fight to Rand. You see him hit him with his shoulder. I mean, he was a dirty fucking guy. He was just a fucking dirty, fucking savage. But that's what I did when I read that book. And I was reading the Mahm and Ali book for a while. And that's exactly what I would do. That's a great point. He had all those Ali fights. I mean, they're all up on there.

So it's pretty interesting. Even if you're young and you want to watch those fights from now, you could go, wow, that's pretty interesting shit. I'm reading this book. Remember Ray Boom Boom Mancini? When he killed Dukuk Kim. Kim. I was at the Cairo practice office, part of a Jewish fucking injury scam that we had going on in Jersey. Heavy side.

This little Jewish guy, he would just walk around a day looking for fucking holes in the sidewalk. And then you'd fall in it. He had the whole wire. He had the whole connection. I was at the chiropractic getting my little electrodes, getting a thing. And I remember that. I was a young comic. I used to do a joke about it.

So you were a comic? Kim, 12th round, dead. Ray Mancini was from Ohio. You're lucky somebody from a real estate didn't get a hold of him. It was like, you know, I was trying to be edged. Now, let me ask you this. What year was that? I was a young pop comedian.

Yeah, oh, wow. So you were doing comedy? That was, I started 84. So I was like an open mic night show I did. That's how long you've been doing it, Tom Roads? February 4th, 1984. What were you, 1984? Sucker. Four years from being born.

You were an itching your daddy's pants and shit. Your daddy was still coming on your on your mom's back and shit that dirty bastard. Look at Lee. Oh, God. What's up, baby? Are you stoned enough? Do we need to get stone? Well, we're going to get more stone. You took one hit, Puerto Rican hit. I got fucking

half the joint. Can you explain it? Because, like, boxing hasn't been big since I've been around. What are you talking about boxing? Is the first sport? Human, I mean, other than foot racing. Well, no, no, no. It is. But it like, like, my generation hasn't got into it. He never had it like we did. So like, I boxed

when I was like 12, 13. Me and my brother did junior gold gloves and I had one fight. I lost the fight. But the home movie footage that my father took, it looks like I'm winning this fight. I'm just like, I'm just slugging away.

But anyway, but is it like the Super Bowl? It sounds like you're describing like the Super Bowl watching these fights. We've been deprived. This era of the last 10 years has been deprived the heavyweight championship fights where there's the massive buildup to these massive fights. Pachial should have fought Mayweather. They should have had the Duran Sugar Lake Leonard's like a fight rematch.

And it could have been gazillion dollar gates. We were, you know, we were deprived. I think Pachial ducked Mayweather the whole time. And then he ended up getting beat. I love that Mayweather fight where. who said some Mexican guy that he fought last year and the Mexican guy's dad gets up at the mic and he's calling Mayweather

you're going to beat this wife beater. He keeps calling him a wife. He likes to hit women. He can't have a man. He's a wife beater. This guy's dad is up on the fucking mic. Call him at the press conference with Mayweather sitting right there on the stage. He's calling him a wife beater, whatever he got arrested for. And

oh my God, needless to say, Mayweather went out and beat dead kids ass. If you're going to box, don't let your dad get on the mic. Well, did you watch Cuban fighters? Because the girl I'm dating is Mexican, and her mom is like 60, and she's like the, she's a

grandma, but she went out with all her friends, because the fight last week was Bradley versus Canello or whatever, the Mexican guy, and like, she was into it. Like, it's really big. So was it big for you? Like, do you watch Cuban fighters? There's only one Cuban fighter, Stevenson.

So I've watched. boxing. When I was a kid, I didn't care if it was Latin, Puerto Rico. Did you know, I like Muhammad Ali. I like Ken Norton. I like, you know, I liked all those fathers and everything. It just happens that they were Spanish. I had, I liked to watch the lower weight Spanish guys a little more.

Because they were very aggressive. Right. But besides that... Fighting the way out of the ghetto. I don't give a fuck what color you are. Anybody wants to see two people. You don't go to white cast or you see a fist fight? You don't care what they are. What are you going to stop? Are you Polish? No, who gives a fuck. beat the shit out of each other. What do I give a fuck? Yeah, Mexico's always great champion fighters.

And I was somewhere between, what was it, Highway 18, goes like from Vegas to San Diego, and you're cutting across that bottom part of California. I slept in my car. It was in my early 20s, whatever. What situation it was in comedy, but I was on my way to a gig in San Diego. and had to sleep in my car at the rest area.

And I woke up the next day. It was early in the morning. And all of a sudden there's these trucks and cars pull up. And all of a sudden there's like about 80, 90 Mexican men. And these two guys squared off in the middle. And it was one of the most vicious heavyweight championships I've ever seen in my life. It was at this rest area in southern weight. down in the desert in California

at a rest area. And I talked to some guy on the perimeter and he said, yeah, this guy had sex with the other guy's wife and they were settling this. They were fucking settling. They had like, they made a fucking appointment to

fucking fight. And whatever it was like maybe before all these guys were going to work or something, but it was early in the morning and all these cars fucking pulled up and then these two dudes got out. And I'm like waking up and shit. You know? And I just fucking sat there.

I came out and, you know, had a SIG, sat on my car and observed the whole thing. The best fights are the ones no pay for. And this fight went on. Yeah, it probably goes on. This was, I don't know, man. I'd say a good 30, 40 minutes. These guys just slugging the living shit out of each other. They take a tea.

Like, my girl's cousin cheated on, or his wife with a married woman. And, like, the husband was waiting outside his house going to kill him. They were trying to figure out to get enough money to get him here. Like it's like it's more it's like here it's a big deal But they're not gonna kill you over it like they were serious Don't kill the fucking water I don't know how it's how strictly you follow news But it was only a year or two ago in the north of Mexico

These cartel people pulled up with all these pickup trucks and then they started throwing out all these severed heads And and bodies They were cutting their heads on you're like 30 40 heads and bodies that they thought They just like chopped all these people's heads off and then pulled up in the town and threw them out on the street to send the message out to the people in the area.

You don't want to fuck one of those guys' wives. No. Actually, what she said is that, because she stole his family there, that her aunt has a couple girls and they're married to drug dealers, and it's like, that's like getting a doctor here. Like, it's,

she doesn't condone it, but it's like the only way you're going to make money and it's the only way you're going to be safe. So like there, like, her, her two cousins are married to drug dealers. And it's like, well, it's what you got to do. And I can't, will you go to Mexico? Mexico is a big place. I mean, I think the north, unfortunately, is sketchy.

I adore Mexico. And I've traveled all over, never been to Mexico City. I made good friends with a guy in Europe last, a few months ago, that he lives in Madrid, but he's from Mexico City. Mexico City is a magnificent city. You get kidnapped and Denzel ain't around You know what happens if you get kidnapped Where's Denzel and where's the little fucking girl here?

I like Spanish culture I love it And I think Mexican culture is really Really beautiful and sexy And there's music I love mariachi music There's just such a It's so much music emanating from this culture

And I love the art with like Where they'll make like really religious shit out of like beer can stuff They'll do like a mural of the Virgin Mary out of like cut up fucking beer cans and beer bottle caps. I love them for that. My mother's from Cuba. You know, she was a fucking peasant. But my father's side were from Kamawa, but via Spain. So they thought they were, you know, they thought they were Oprah's nephews, these fucking people.

They spoke with an accent and shit like they were special type of fucking Cubans. But one thing I had saved up that my father always bought for me when he went over there. Spain, he'd always bring me those bullfighting posters. Nice. When you were talking about Spanish Shard, I thought about those bullfighting posters, and I almost had a fucking anxiety attack because when my mom died, that's one of the things I lost. Like 30 of the bullfighting posters that were unframed.

I just had them rolled up, and eventually I would frame them. I think standing up comedy is a Matador's existence. I think that would be a great poster. Hey, I would buy one of those red things if I fucking had one. I'd borrow your shirt and fucking, you know what I'm saying, on stage? O'Le. But you think of what those motherfuckers do. You want this or you're right?

You think about what those people do with that fucking bull. It really is. And you've been to those. Not me. I've never been to one of those. I've never been to one of those fucking things live. I'd shit my pants. I'd faint.

I went in Seville, Spain. Seville. Savilla. Sevia. Wow, what a wonderful city. God damn it. It was the minor leagues of bullfighting. because it was like three guys against one bull.

And it was cowardly, man. It wasn't like the manly shit one guy and one bull. You know, one guy's out there waving the cape and another, this, you know, guy who tiptoes up and stabs the bull from behind. And, man, I got a... It's one on one, right? It's the bulls of... No, I mean, the one I saw in Sevilla

must have been the minor leagues of bull fighting. It's like watching the chicken fighting. Because it was a couple guys against one, and I thought it was some... cowardly shit. I started yelling. There was an American exchange student next to me, and I said, I knew

Spanish word for bull is Toro. So I said, what's the Spanish word for kill? He said, matar. So I start yelling, Matar, Toro! Matar, Toro! And, you know, people probably even didn't understand what I was saying, but I was upset, man. I'm cheering for

the bull. Yeah, they just showed it on Anthony Bordano, and it's not fun to watch. It's bleeding. And then this, And then the guy that kills the bulls walking around the ring and people are throwing flowers and cheering and shit. And as he's coming closer to my section, I turned to the American exchange student kid. And I said, what's the Spanish word for coward?

And he looked at me and he goes, I won't tell you. Yeah, they take that shit. Spanish culture is great, man. What's that little goat thing that you drink the wine out of? The little pouch. I have no fucking idea. I've never been over there. I never been over.

I left Cuba and I was three, so I don't remember none of that culture. I love Spanish culture. I heard all this shit from my mom. I heard, you know, I only met with my grandmother on that side one time.

I didn't like their fucking attitude. So I didn't need that shit as a kid. I just knew it wasn't going to work out for me. I've been to Argentina like four times. I know, yeah. And I don't speak Spanish, unfortunately, you know?

So I've got cousins down there. You gotta fucking learn. I just smile and nod. They think I'm a really good listener. As long as you've got a couple dollars and you're ready to go, and you buy a shot, they don't fucking go. But when they go on vacation, they go to Cuba. I would love to go to Cuba.

I got to tell you guys, a confession would happen to me today because I can't take it no one. What? I went and got gas. I told you, did I tell you this? I went and got gas. I had to drive my wife to the airports. When I got off, I seen I had 60 miles left.

I got to go Ontario. Let me stop with the show on Wancashim and Victory. Okay. Because I have a rouse car, so they give me points back. And when I'm there, there's a bus stop there. There's always a freaky bust up. There's always a kid that asks you for chains.

There's always something. I got the door open, gas is pumping, and I left my phone in the car. I go to get it, and I see a black girl. I got to tell you, she was a nine. She was a fucking nine, maybe even a ten. And I'm watching this, and I'm thinking of myself right there. Why is there a hot black chick waiting for a bus?

Do you know what I'm saying? A hot black chick. What is going wrong in the world? She can get you to drive with a drunk. Jupiter. Yeah, she'd get a white guy to drive with a Jupiter as good as this bitch. She looked like Charday meets fucking Rihanna. I mean, she was banging. So she walked over to me, and she's like, hey, can I ask your question? How do you get to Tarzana?

I don't know even what Tarzana is. I know it's around here somewhere. It's far, right? And I go, you know what? I really have no idea. And she goes, all right, thank you. And she stood there for three minutes. She was a hooker, correct? Oh. She was a fucking hooker. I didn't bang her or nothing, but I'll tell you what is killing me about it.

Is that like the code? She smelled like shit, guys. Oh. With sweat over it, like shit, but she smelled not like sweat, not like cologne. She smelled like her. She shit herself. And do you know that that smell is in my fucking nose right now? I should put that thing, Jody Foster putting her nose in silence of the lambs when you go see her dead body.

That nose, that smell, I keep getting it in my fucking nose. I didn't touch her. I didn't do nothing. I just talking to her, and it was a downwind. That girl needs to take an Anthony Robbins business course. I mean, she needs to rededicate herself to her professional. I mean, no matter what you do, I mean, be good at it. I don't mind if you're a man and you got some B-O-T, you're a man.

I don't give a thought. But a woman, especially if you're out there trying to make a living, she smelled like ass, guys. Pure ass like what her. Yeah, ass is a B-O. She smelled like I farted on her. That's she smelled like I tied her up and farted on a 15-fucking. Which is not a bad fantasy if you think about it at the end of the week. What's going on, Lee?

Play a little fucking music here for my man. Tom Rhodes. Little fucking New York Dolls. Let's get this afternoon going. Wednesday, October 16th. Oh shit. Break out the reef and the gorilla biscuits. Fuck it.

Go next door and show the neighbor's wife you got. Who gives a fuck? It's the afternoon. Who's you gonna call? Fucker. Yeah, yeah. Are you fuck? Lee, you know they jump in Jacksonville?

I slept with me. Jesus Christ. I got to go more. Oh shit. That, da, da, da, da, da. What's up, Tom Rhodes, you bet, motherfucker? Let me tell you something. I'm feeling good today.

I'm gonna tell you something. All this shit with these doctors and shit I've been going to them. They found that I had a slow thyroid. Then they'd say I got too many red blood cells. They want to drain a pint of blood out of me. So I was feeling a little fucked up on the thyroid medication. I went to acupuncture yesterday. I woke up at 5 a.m. feeling like a fucking G6.

You understand me? I could sling dick how I'm feeling today. All through fucking acupuncture. I swear to fucking God. She cut me yesterday. She must have put 82 fucking needles in my neck. I feel so fucking good today. I drank a bunch of water, some green tea.

I ate an edible, and I watched Sonsa Anarchy last night, and I did the kettlebell by myself for about 20 minutes, the one on line. I hit that fucking crib like a soldier. I got up at wonder piss. It wasn't even yellow. It was like cloudy. It was like water with a roofie in it.

That's what my piss looked like. And I woke up this morning, I drove my wife to the airport. It was a shame to put her on that fucking plane. But one of the reasons I'm feeling good, I got my fucking basket from on it. My new box. I got a couple alpha brands.

I got a couple shroom texts with me and salami. But tell you what they sent me, man. They sent me the new hemp force, vanilla. The powder? God, googity, muggety. That's all I got to tell you. It tastes like Breyer's ice cream in fucking milk. Do you remember Briars ice cream?

The white ice cream with the chocolate things in there, little dots to give a flavor? That's real fucking vanilla. That's old school. They don't give me that no more. They give me that process shit. They don't even have fucking vanilla beans no more. They give you some fucking winkment or some shit. So anyway, what my fucking point is, Hon.

I'm on this on point. I had the milkshake this morning for breakfast. Have I farted since I've been here? No. I burped a couple times, but that's his diet fucking sodits. Anyway, go to Onet, go get the new hemp horse for now. Tom Uncle Joey said you get 10% off. That's how I fucking roll.

No biggie. I'm telling you. Those needles killed me yesterday. She fucking cut me to death. What does cupping do? I've always wondered that. It herbs should be your circulation. Oh, okay.

When I first started going, Dr. Amy, my fucking ankles were always swollen, especially after I fly, even though I walk around. But I had, like, red marks in the circulation from weighing 400 fucking pounds. She sticks those needle in my fucking things, and my ankles look like little fucking skeletor legs. Because she drains all that thing. I do a couple bridges. I put my legs up when I watch TV. I'm brand new the next day. I'm like a fucking soldier.

I put my legs up in the air so that bad blood drips down and let your blood process it. Your heart will pump it. If not, that's why your legs swell up. You got to put your legs up in the air like you're going to get a dick in your fucking cullo. You know what I'm saying? You know, got some cullo. You've been daily a couple times. No, what's that mean?

Got some cullo, dick in your ass. What do you think you're dealing here? I got an Italian dictionary, you know what I'm saying? Tom, I bumped into you in San Francisco last week. And it's really hard that it was great to see you. I've known you for like 15 years, you know. When I first got into comedy in 91, you were always on, you know, every fucking TV show that ever lived.

MTV Comacazi, MTV This, the VH1 did a lot of comedy back then. Comedy had blown up, like in 87 maybe. I was doing time and all that shit, but when I got out, I got into comedy in 91. When did your TV show come out? The sitcom? The sitcom. 96 to 97. So that I moved to San Francisco in 91.

and then that's where it released, that's where I got good and, you know, playing to a higher intelligence of myself and the audience. And I started doing all those TV shows, you know, comedy kamikaze, VH1, I remember, had the AID with... Yeah, even at the improv. Even at the improv. And then it was funny, I got into comedy, I started cooking with oil like in 95. I moved to Seattle. And I think in 96 and 97, you came up to a theater with Janine.

Garoflo. And I went and I didn't say hello to you. I was still very embarrassed. You still had the long hand. I was from the old school. If you're a good comic, what the fuck are you doing here watching me? You know what I'm saying? I'm that mentality. All these comics in LA, I'm at the improv networking. You should be doing the set, bitch. If you come up to me and I'm an agent, you're like, hi, I'm Joey Diaz, I'm a comic. Are you on stage? No, I'm here networking. Then you're not that fucking good. So that was my mentality. I could have gone, and I did a set earlier, but you wouldn't have known that. So I never wanted to disrespect you. So I I went, I watched you and Janine with Josh Wolf, believe it or not.

Me and Josh Wolf went to see you, and maybe Mark Madison or something. And I didn't say nothing. And then I saw you, now, when did Tim Allen show? Come on. Like, 91. It was really early. 91, 90 maybe. Yeah, maybe 89.

89. And I remember that they gave him a show, and then Roseanne and then all those guys were on there. And then the next generation was yourself, Geraldo, and Margaret Cho. Yeah. And I remember that I liked your show I liked your show And then

Haraldos Was the show wasn't that good And I never watched Margaret shows I wasn't really a big fan I was a fan of yours And it's funny that then the show Got canceled And I saw you at the improv

After that You still had the long hair And You were at the improv You were a comic And I didn't know what to say to you You know Because when you start off in comedy

The ep What's the word The precipice Or It's to have a T-E or at least that's what you think especially once you come into this realm it's always the TV show the TV show the TV show and that was 97 when I went off the air and immediately you went on the road you cut your hair you went you

had you went over to England or Amsterdam yes TV show you had great success whatever happened over there you came back and you've always continued to do comedy and I gotta tell you brother I admire you so much because I finally got got you about three years ago I never understood why would a guy want to work the road constantly year-round. Because at the end of the day, this is what we do. All the other shit is all that matters. This is all that really matters.

It's amazing. This is all that matters. It's amazing that now I turn down shit sometimes. If I already have a weak book, it's a week show, and they call him, I'm like, you know what? I look at the elevation level of it. Because it's not how many people you shoot. It's who you shoot. It's who the fuck you shoot.

You can do 10 bad TV shows, do one thing. thing and one good one and next thing you know NBC's calling you they want to sniff your asshole and take out the lunch and you know but it's funny that I remember thinking at the improv that night after the show been canceled going I wonder what he's thinking right now because I thought in my world at that time I'd be crushed you weren't crushed you bust yourself off and you went to Europe and you redid yourself and it's 2013 you're one of the best fucking comics working now let me rephrase this Tom Rhodes is not one of the most

popular comics working you're one of the best comics working set up punchline material appearance professionalism you are one of the top five comics working I know but does he tour with Zach Gallif and that you know no no I'm not talking about these fucking Rolling Stone fucking momos I'm talking about with a guy that goes up there when you watch him on stage after 20 minutes you see the work you see the work that he's put in and you see where his mind is and that's what you admire and that's what you're at bro and and it's just It's amazing that you said something to me the other day that nobody would fucking understand,

unless what comedians. You said the improvs don't even talk to me. And I'm not putting down the improvs, but this is, I'm trying to give the listener the mind of the comic and what we put up with. This guy's one of the top five comedians working. Why wouldn't you want him in your fucking club? Because you know what? Last time he was here, yes, I know it was the World Series, but he didn't sell tickets or, you know,

it's always some excuse. but then some guy has been doing comedy four years they give them three weeks a year and they pay them all this dog and I went through that bro I go through that too where you're like what the fuck I did my fucking work I do my right

I get on stage you know you do everything else and I see you bro and you're as proud and as happy as ever yeah break it down there's always you know it's like there's a certain amount of doors that are closed to you as a comedian

but then there's a certain amount of doors that are always open like people that love you in different capacities the improvs don't give me no love whatsoever and I'm old friends with the woman that books in I've contacted her

I mean every couple of years and just you know I'm from Florida there's a ton of improvs there I have to fucking I'm doing the one in Orlando the week after Christmas and you know I had to like

practically you know. Give blood. Yeah. Play the best club in my own town. And I'm not putting the improvs down,

neither. We're just saying that this is what comics go through. That this guy is not Mr. Pye's not our modern family. Oh my God.

You know, like I said, there's so many places that I get a lot of love from, you know, San Francisco Punchline, Atlanta Punchline, you know,

Chicago Zanis, friggin' the comedy store in Sydney, gigs in London. Yeah, you're worldwide. You're like to that. all over the world. I mean, I got once.

You're international. Yeah, I mean, I'm not hurting for gigs whatsoever. But, I mean, if they're, you know, the premiere, come on, there's so many fucking improvs in the country now, really all those stages, you had enough excellent guys to fill all those stages. And the fun. Every week, all fucking year. Not to fucking offer me any gigs.

You sit there. So, I mean, at one point, you know, you get insulted. And it's like when, uh, you know, my shit does shine, I'm going to charge some motherfuckers, some insult tax. It's amazing. And now, this is the other side of the coin that guys like myself and Tom know

that this motherfucker could change after a fart. Because all we know is that maybe Louis C.K. And make you a milkman on a show one episode. That's it. And also, like, oh, my God, that's Tom Rhodes. I love him. And also, they're back on. The imprars are calling you.

We, you and I both know that this shit, it comes and goes. Right, right. You can turn another time. But any time, we never stopped our dream, which is the basic of this machine is to write jokes and get on stage. Right. And if you're constantly, you know, headlining in great cities in front of great audiences and you lift your game, God, there was a point. Oh, I know. This reef a fucking killed at some time.

That's what it does to you. I mean, but it's just amazing that I look at guys like you now and Wendy Liebman, who are excellent fucking comedians. I bump into Wendy, and she's like, I got a gig next month. Wendy, the fuck are you talking about? Wherever. You know, I just bumped into her going to New Orleans. She goes, yeah, this is the only gig I had for the fucking month.

And I feel these are the funniest people working right now. But it's so weird that everybody wants to be on the popularity bandwagon. If you were a fucking seat sniffer on Modern Family, they'd go watch you, you know, just because of that part of Modern Family, not because your ability as a stand-up comedian. You know what I'm saying? Like they should have, maybe this guy's not on television, but he rates here. As a stand-up comic, this is where this guy rates. And that's the politics that we have to deal with on and off that a lot of people don't see. People don't see this.

People see us on, oh, my God, he's on SNL. No, we're not on fucking SNL, Cuckuckers. this is a long goddamn journey and I tell you I'm happy that you still have the fucking faith Thanks man I love it I never even considered doing anything else And like when I did that sitcom

It was only six months of my life And I was still doing stand-up on the off weeks You know I've never not did stand-up And I do remember what I was going to say I you know Remember Rocky the original Rocky There's that scene where he goes into

His cousins He works at the meat pack and plant He goes into the freezer. And Rocky's just fucking slugging this raw meat, you know, and he's breaking the ribs and shit. You know, that's what comedy is for me in a lot of places. It's like, you know, you're just slugging it out in the meat locker. It's so much fun.

It really is so much fun when you break it down. To be a beast at it and is the greatest feeling in the world. Just the process. The process is the one that really got me, the learning thing. I thought you just went up on stage, said funny shit, and went home at night. Boy, was I in for an awakening. And every three years, what you learn. I always wonder, and I always use this, a plumber.

I wonder if a plumber every three years drives home and says, I'm really happy at what I chose. You know, because there's bad nights and there's great nights and there's good nights. But I know when I'm fucking driving home, first of all, I'm in shock. Like the other than I was driving home from the Laugh Factory Monday night, And I was in shock, guys. I was in shock. I'd always thought I'd be a comedian.

I'd stay local in Denver, do Wyoming, do Iowa, you know what I'm saying, do New Mexico, do a triple run here and there. That's it. Here I am coming home from the fucking laugh factory. You know, I never dreamt that. I never even had that in my, that thought in my fucking mind.

I can't lie to you, you know? But I know when I came here, the in-thing was to be on a sitcom. That was it. The in-thing was to get on a sitcom, the road is your worst of 10 fucking years, you know? And you get on these fucking sitcoms, and now it's really got no value anymore.

People see a sitcom for what it is. Now the new thing is the podcast, because on here we speak our fucking mind. Be yourself, yeah. We're ourselves. This is our own fucking NBC fucking show, you know? And it's just so weird where we've seen the changes. We see the comics that are coming in, the comic.

You know, some kid asked me in my jihitsu class about it. Who did you start with? And I'm like, God. the people I started with are not even in this anymore. How about the people you came here with that had came here with promise and agents and Montreal and everything? And they came and they left Montreal and they got a butler and they got a BMW. And all of a sudden now you bump into them at that city. Like you forgot about them because there's so many who come and go.

And there you are one day in Syracuse. You get off the bus, you go to your hotel, you go to the gig and at the hotel, at the gig. Some guy comes up and you're like, this guy looks familiar. You're like, oh my God, what happened to you, bro? You don't know. I got married, I had three kids. You still do comedy, no. I coach a little league team, and I sell Bibles' door to door.

What the fuck happened? You were hanging out with Bud Freeman at the improv, eating fucking shrimp. Tossinging of each other's fucking mouths. Remember when you walked eating shrimp? Remember that? Remember that? When that was the big thing, if, you know, the big things in this scene are if Johnny Carson invited you over to the table, and if Bud and Hartman and Hartman, you know, if Bud and Hart

sat you down and like the good fellas you're gonna put the fucking improv you're in the back way you at DC next week oh you're a gangster when you go to the improv you'd always look to see you was at the table it's gonna be the great yeah if you don't say if you weren't invited to the table you felt like a fucking comedy you're like some damn list at the table with bud and eat shrimp and drink fucking matzabaw soup and shit butler's trying to park what What happened? He's eating shrimp with Butteries.

Yeah, you're hiring a butler. Yeah, you hire butlers. You know, you're calling Puerto Rico. You get Mexicans to mow your lawn. That shit ends quick. But I've seen it end for non-comics. People who are just straight-up comics, this shit bumps off you.

You go like that with your shoulder. Just keep writing jokes and keep moving the fuck on. And that's why I'm lucky that I almost quit three years ago. I was just going to do local gigs. I was going to do movies. I wanted to get a job selling cars on Lancash and Boulevard. I swear to God, I just couldn't pass the fucking P-Tex.

Can you imagine that shit? But I was going to try to keep writing it. I could still smell that fucking hooker. Every eight minutes, I smell like shit. I smell it. It ain't me. I can't believe it. I should have paid a 20 and just farted on it.

It felt better about myself. I thought about it. That's a good fantasy. To just pay someone like 50 bucks. Listen, I'm going to take it back to my own time. I'm going to fart in your throat. I'm going to fart in your earlobe. Now we're going to go eat shrimp or butt free than it.

Rob and Hartman and talk about fucking Irvine. I wasn't last week splendid my sets. Have you seen Brian? Oh my God. I had everybody at the table. Hilarious. Hilarious.

hilarious. Hilarious. I'm surprised we thought about giving it up. I really did. I just... I saw you were an unstoppable train like me. You know, man. I mean, it's my oxygen.

I couldn't imagine. Not... No, no. I was going to stop road work. I think I was just going to stop roadwork. I was still going to do local gigs and fucking round flappers, I go to the improv,

I do brayer. I just didn't want to leave anymore. I didn't think that I was doing anything by leaving, you know? Right. Look, everything fucking changes. So I love it. I've always loved this.

From the minute I got into this, I knew it was me. It fit my schedule of living. Listen, I hate weekends. You know that, right? I fucking hate weekends. I don't want to go to your fucking wedding. I don't ever want to go to a fucking wedding,

a bar mitzvah, none of that shit. That's why when I first got divorced, I hated life. When I first got married, that was your life Monday through Friday and then Friday I come home I got to put up with your mug if we don't have a babysitter I can't fuck you because you're going to talk to me about the neighbor and it may be sad I get a hand job before fucking going to Lowe's to buy a fucking you know a loan mower and seeds watermelon seeds or whatever the fuck then on Sunday I had to go to an in-laws house and that was my

fucking life and then every once in a wait while you had to go to a baptism or a fucking funeral or fucking little league game that was it I was 20 fucking seven years old here I'm I am thinking this is it. I'm like, I can't do this shit because I hate weekends. I hate going to weddings and all that shit. When you're a comic, you always could tell them no. I'm busy on the weekend, but can't you cancel? No! I don't cancel fucking gigs,

bitch. The eternal excuse. Yeah, that's it. New Year. I got a show. I got a show. What a fucking great excuse to have in your life. And I'm always busy. I'm busy even if I'm not fucking busy. You know what I'm saying? I'm like Tony Montana. I always tell the truth, even when I lie. I'm

busy even when I'm not fucking busy. favorite films of all time. It's amazing. Florida Classic. I watched the bio on it the other day, and they were talking about what really happened with that movie that was such a box office flop. But it came out as the VHS age went into full effect,

so it sold. I don't know how many millions of copies it sold. It's one of the biggest films of all-time Scarface because of the fucking DVD. Well, what are you going to do? Well, that's an incredible performance, man. And I'm from Florida, the gruesomeness of the guy getting cut up with the chainsaw.

My cousin is a cop in West Palm Beach in Florida, or near there. And he's told me about other gruesome shit that's happened in the last 20, 30 years. You know what a Colombian necktie is. Yeah, they cut your throat long ways, and you put your tongue, starts weight on here. They pull your tongue out, and it flops down. because your tongue starts way down here. It's a really long organ. So they cut your throat long ways.

Pull your tongue out, and it's a Colombian necktie. Fuck. If you cross a Colombian drug dealer. Oh, my God. That's some hardcore shit, man. I mean, we're doing some fucked up shit down there, man. The dude on the bath salts, eating the guy's face.

I mean, there's some weird... Florida has always been one of those states for me that I'm scared. I spent my summers in Florida. I'm Cuban. I have a godfather in Miami. Got a construction company. Great guy. Just a sweetheart of a fucking guy. Wife. School teacher and Cuba of every three kids.

Always took care of the kids. You know, when I go down there, since I knew the other life and their kids didn't, he'd tell me at night, stay with me in the room. Because he wouldn't sleep with her. She was sleep in her own room. The kids had their room. And he had this big Tony Montana, yellow, circular bed. And then at night, the middle

night, we watched... This is when TV went off at 12. what these motherfuckers don't know today. Once you heard that National Anthem, there was no more TV. Can you imagine? That was it. That was your lifeline. Tell these guys.

You don't have the computer now. Three channels. Once 1 a.m. in Florida, once Mission Impossible was over in Florida. Because Mission Impossible would start at 1, I think, no, 12, and then at 1. I remember I was a kid, 8, 9. And once the fucking Mission Impossible, then, and he would wake me up and we'd go to fucking La Guatita. La Guayita and Miami, those little things where you'd put.

pulling you buy milk and eggs, but they also saw you a beer in a can, and he would get a big beer and we got onto his boat. I was a little kid, and he'd get him, get me on the boat, and then he'd drive, like, two miles out, and he pulled bails with a fucking weed out, and then we'd go back, and I'd help him, load him in the car, and we'd take him to a warehouse, then I'd get back to the house, like at five with him, and then we'd go to sleep, and I'd wake up, and he can go to the construction company with him, and I couldn't tell the kids what I did the night before. I couldn't tell his kids what I had done the night before, and that's what I did in the summertime. And when I would go up, I wasn't allowed to tell my mother,

either. He said, don't sit down to your mother she'll get mad. I'm taking it on the boat and shit like that. So that's who I grew up with in my that was my thing in Miami. And then one day he used to, he built the falls in Miami. Are you familiar with Miami? A monkey jungle? Oh my God, the monkey jungle?

Monkey jungle, up in that neighborhood. Monkey jungle is a classic. I remember when he used to, when I first started going down there, what he would do is buy an area that was alligators and palm trees. And he would go with the fucking wrecking thing And he'd kill everything, and then he'd build a house, and then he'd build five houses,

so it matched his house. You follow him? So he'd buy, like, a shut-off street. That's what this guy did. He was brilliant, and he would sell the five houses, and then once he sold the five houses, he'd sell his house, and he'd start in a new area. So we'd go into these areas, and there was nobody there. I remember going to fucking seen baby alligators and scorpions.

He would catch scorpions and show him to me. Don't go out in the fucking yard. There's scorpions out there. And so at night he would go out there with a gun with a silence and target practice. I would go there every fucking summer. One fucking summer, he was out there at night. And like three days later, he knocked on his door. This is when he had a fountain in his living room that had frogs in it.

I was in New York City kid. I wasn't into no fucking frogs, okay? I was petrified of those fucking little frogs. He had them all over the fucking house. You know how those motherfuckers lived? They got lizards. And if you cut a lizard's tail off, it grows and it runs away. I mean, this is fucking sci-fi when you're in New York City kid.

you go down there so one of those summers he shot he was talking to practice and there was some guy a mile away walking this fucking dog the guy takes a bullet in the leg goes to the hospital they track the area down they go to my uncle's knock on the door he was a gun he hit used when he killed somebody in california like in 50 and a week because the only thing he used to do is he used to come out here to california with his whole family in a fucking r s u what i call him r v and he'd stack that mother he was a big weed head he'd stuck Stack that motherfucker with weed and take it back to Miami with the kids. And they'd be singing Spanish songs.

They should shit on the fucking thing. Cacarel, Cacarel, Lindo, Cacarel. That's Christmas in Spanish. That's Merry Christmas. Anyway. You saw frog legs on the menu in San Francisco this weekend? The Chinese restaurant disgust. So whatever.

The guy gets thrown into jail? He got thrown in. He got thrown in. He shot the guy. It was a very sad story. He shot the guy. They pressed charges on. They threw him in Atlanta at the federal prison for like eight years.

Him and his wife and the three kids had a move to Atlanta. These people were fucking millionaires. They lost everything. And then when my mother died, she came to the wake. They wouldn't let him out to come to the wake. She came to the wake and told me how they were living. They weren't doing well. They were living in a one-bedroom.

These people were living in a fucking mansion. And then in 84, I got a message from now. Don't do the crime. If you can't do the fucking time. They lost everything. In 84, I got a message from them. Dakota, Miami, and I rekindled the thing, but I was too fucked up on Coke. And one of the times I went down there, she saw I was on Coke, and she asked him, I went back down there, and I lost contact with him.

He died. And then this last time I was at the Miami Improv, they came to the show. The two girl cousins came, and I apologized. We were fucking kids, you know. So because of that, Miami's never really... Florida's just a scary fucking place. I love that Miami Improv. That's a great one.

That's a great one. They're thinking of opening up another one, because... Coconut Grove isn't the hot area anymore. It's a different part of Florida. It's a different part of Miami. That's a hot area now. What do you want to do? What's left in the Tom Rhodes' comedy career?

Between you and me and fucking the flying Jew, what do you want to do? I'm a one-man art-making machine, baby. I'm, you know, it's never been a better time. What's the next step? No, never, never. You can do everything on your own. I've got my own podcast that I make with love and do people all over the world. I'm obsessed with making these little travel videos that I put up on YouTube.

And, you know, I'm just continuing doing everything. I'm trying to come up with a new hour. I love making live recordings and doing hour specials. And I just want to be a fucking comedian and crunch it. Isn't a lot of fun. That's it. It's all, everything feeds the same thing. It's all the same.

It's all me being a comedian. It travels the world. You know, and consistently fucking crunch his heads. We used to have a good time in Houston, huh? Oh, my God. You and I in Houston. It was a rehab fucking... That place pushed me into a fucking that place.

I used to party my ass off down there, dog. You took me to some bar in a nice area. I can't remember. I took you to a bar in Montrose. Montrose. Called... I can't remember now. And everyone knew you.

All these girls are around. and, you know, Joey's from fucking New York. I didn't even know you knew anybody. We go in there as like Norm walking into cheers. Joey, Joey, and then there's like fucking, you know, three... They had no windows in the place.

Yeah, yeah, go in and get blown. It was always out of the name. Always a good gram of fucking coconut. I forget the name of the place was down the corner from a Mexican restaurant up the block from a Puerto Rican joint. how's that one for you I used to get fucking

I OD'd in Beaumont on Valiums Beaumont was another fine right next to the fucking Papa told you what was going to be able to? You ever drive through Beaumont like every they're really old small houses

and like every third one is like burned out like you drive through Beaumont, Texas there's just all these burned out homes and you just think that their fire department must be terrible I don't know why

but there's There's just all these fucking charred remains of houses. No one knocked down. Let me tell you some. There's a lot of white supremacy down there, and I bought like a gram of blow, like an eight ball from some white supremacists one night at like four in the morning. They're like, man, you're Italian.

I'm like, I'm Cuban. It's like I bumped into the fucking... I bumped into the fucking stereo. The whole room just went, ah. All right, man, take the Coke. Thank you for coming by. They fucking threw me out. These were fucking straight up.

What's the name of the town next to Beaumont? That's very... Fort Arthur? No, there's another town next to Beaumont that's very... Well, they'll wear the hoods and everything down there. They'll fuck you up, bleak. They really don't like flying Jews. Of course not.

They'll fuck your world. Tell them you there on a George Jones pilgrimage. That's crazy. Like, I can't imagine traveling all the time. Like, I was thinking about when Joey told me you were going to do it. I was like, that must be... Like, you don't have any, like, rent, you don't have... Like, everything that, like, makes, like, this boring, like, the life he was talking about having to go to softball games on the weekend.

Like, I can't imagine. Like, where are you going in the next month? I'm in L.A. until the 28th. And then I go to China for a month. That's so crazy. I got gigs in Hong Kong and Beijing and Nanjing, Suuio, and Shanghai. Just bad motherfucking. And you go over and eat the duck, you don't give a fuck d'all.

You just grab a dog. They got some weird shit on the menus. And they got pictures, too. They said there's a restaurant in Hong Kong. They sell all types of dick. Did you know the elephant dick, bull dick? It's $300 for like this fucking gorilla dick. And if you eat that, you get a hard off for three fucking days.

Round sperm comes out of your dick. A bunch of Chinese girls come out of your dick. It's a fucking party down there. They eat fucking. Those motherfuckers, they don't give a fuck. Don't eat a black foot. They don't give a fuck. They'll chop that motherfucker in half and deep fry it.

It looked like Popeye's chicken. You're gonna pop a chicken in Hollywood on Hollywood Boulevard. I ate a piece of chicken. I took the skin off. I can see four blue black toes under there. They just cooked a black foot. They cut your right though. I love it.

It's fucking Wednesday. What are you people want? Knock, knock, knock, jokes. It's fucking Wednesday, cock suckers. Get your shit together. But by the way, we got the fucking call, okay? What? We're hitting an all-time high with this dollar fucking shave club.

Oh, cool. Better than Hulu, so. Dollar Shave Club, don't fuck around, all right? A dollar a month, $6 a month, a $9 a month. It's a fixed income on raises. A guy like you, I can get him delivered right to the fucking car. Unbelievable. A real fucking comic.

This guy's a real fucking comic in our presence. Listen, you don't know what life is. Like in 91, I had nothing. You know, I got divorced. I was separated. Every week I would burn a different credit card. I held on to that American Express till the end, because I'm a savage.

But then I just went, I owe dirty different establishes. I owed a bank money. Tribble was going to give me eight weeks of work. I gave up my fucking apartment, moved into a car. And I lived in that fucking car, brother, for six or seven months.

I did the time. I had a P.O. box, and I stayed at different people's houses for three days, two days. And you have no fucking idea. It's like living like a fucking nomad. You know, you finish your gig on a Saturday and win a muck of New Mexico. Now you've got to kill time until Tuesday.

What are you going to fucking do? But if you can do it at a higher level where you're headlining and you're going around the world and then doing comedy festivals, not living anywhere, it's really cool. Right. And when I have time off, we live everywhere. We rented a place in Rome. We've gone to Rome and rented an apartment for a week the last three years in a row. did the Jakarta comedy festival last November and then went to Bali for two weeks after that

went to Key West for a couple weeks in June whenever I have breaks wherever we are we plan a really cool vacation because a lot of comics and Joey does this like you won't go like it's not like they don't go anywhere but you're focusing on the show so you'll stay in the hotel like how like it sounds like you like fight against that

to like go out and see shit I like to I love to walk great cities and, you know, meet people and do shit. Yeah. See, when I get up in a town, I usually get up at 7. And that's when I smoke a fuck at the first joint. I get breakfast at the hotel. Like in San Francisco, I walked from 745 to late 10. Yeah, wonderful city.

That's a great city to walk around. You know, this place, like when you go to fucking Long Island, what do you want me to walk on the expressway? You know, when I go to work Long Island, there's a hotel next to the Union Coliseum. and across the street there's a bunch of gas stations there's not much you can fucking explore with it you go and get a blunt paper you get vizine a bag of chips

that's what you do the first fucking day and after that there's not much you could do what we're talking about is let me tell you what happens to me Tom Rhodes and people need to understand this shit an hour before a show I'm gonna do a show to 500 people you know 250 240 whatever both shows you know on a Friday night so I'm gonna go to lunch the dinner with Tom Rhodes from 638

and not focus on what I need to focus and talk about whatever the fuck we get together that I'm going to go down the carbs or whatever and I'm not going to be focused on my show that's the way I am I like to relax an hour before my show and you like to go out and eat before your show and talk to people

you're in the middle I I love great food and great meals and that's the best thing about traveling around the world but I don't like to eat too close to the showtime yeah like it's just Before the show, I didn't know.

I want to be like nimble. Yeah, I need an hour before the show to hang out. About four I'll come down to the bar at the hotel and I'll eat something. Maybe they have a jacuzuzzi. Maybe they have a steam. You know, steam. By 6 o'clock, it's showtime in my mind. I got a hug, fifth.

You know, I've gone to dinner with my friends and family, yelling and screaming. Now, what happened? Oh, you weren't with us in New York. Went to Timmy Holloway. You know what this fucking place is? Timmy, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a truck driver. We parked, and we're in the wrong side of the fucking city. I got to run the main.

I don't like no drum before my comedy shows. Seriously. I want to get to the comedy show that and that's why. That's the other reason that there's always drunk. Because there's always that one ass for what we're going to eat. No, we're not going there. Let's go to this place across from town. No!

No! That means we gotta drive back, then we'll leave at 7. Who's not drunk? Who has got to have sangria? Who's got to stop for a gram of Coke? You know what? The way to avoid that shit is to mind your fucking business. Yeah, you know how it is? I got away from my girlfriend.

Now, you ain't wait for fucking your girlfriend. I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be at fucking seven. I can't wait. Quarterly, the show starts a day. I got to get there by fucking 8 o'clock. And that's why there's a big difference. I want to prepare.

I want to be mentally prepared. I'm going to talk to some fucking jerk on. I went to high school with. To talk about what? To talk about what? Remember when we said, no, we'll talk after the fucking show. Well, that's what you're telling them and they disappear. All right.

Yeah, I'll call you. Get the fuck out of here. Give us a fuck. I'm going to sit here. The show. The show. You got to focus on the fucking show. And when I didn't worry about the show, I would bomb.

I would bomb. So I had a good time before with eight jerkoffs, but here I'm bombing for the people who paid money. You follow me? So that's the differences. Yeah, when you go to a city, you want to go to the pool and eat and walk around and go to a library. I go to a bunch of shit.

But close to post time, we're in the house, relax, and minding your fucking business. You know what I'm saying? So you're ready to stab a motherfucker. I always want to go on stage with the feeling I want to stab a motherfucker. I don't want to go live. Is that how you feel when you go out of the thing? That's beautiful.

I want to stab a motherfucker. Where are they? Do you remember? how could you forget in the film Pulp Fiction when Marcellus is in he's in the basement being anally raped by the hillbilly guys and then Bruce Willis breaks in and freeze him and you know he's got the ball gag in his mouth and he

and he takes it out and they reverse the situation and Bruce Willis asked him what's he going to do and he goes I'm going to call some hard-hitting pipe fellows I want my joke to be those hard-hitting pipe fellows whatever guys they were gonna he would be hard-hit notes I want my jokes to hit like

these angry black guys for my fucking pipes I did time with this black dude his name that's what I want you want to stab a motherfucker I want my I want my jokes to be the fucking hard-hitting pipe fellows from the Marcellus's buddies and when I was locked up I was I had the pleasure

and God put this guy in my life for like six months his name was Spencer Antoine I was 28 he was my age now maybe 53 he had stabbed the guy in front of his house and got six years murdered the motherfucker but when you spoke to

Spencer Antoine he was very he loved me Cuba come here Cuba what time it is he would never ask him what time is it he'd always say what time it is and when you'd ask him about the story he'd take you there and he'd cross his eyes he was a black guy that was intimidating

from New Orleans. Why did he stab the dude? I'd like to say like a parking spot or something. When he told me the story, I got to be honest, I was on the floor telling him to stop

from the crying and the laughter because that's how funny he was without even knowing. He was doing something. The guy threatened him and he told the guy, wait right here, motherfucker. And he went upstairs

and went upstairs and got the biggest knife out of his kitchen, looked at it and everything. My wife said, where you going with that kitchen? I'm going to stab this nigga. He walked down the fucking stairs.

People were stopping him. talk to this motherfucker. He went out and he just stabbed him like six times and he parked his car through the knife away. He had this big time attorney to defend him and that's why he got the six year involuntary manslaughter to charge. But when we were in there one time, some guy owed him money from the kitchen. He liked the guy like eight bucks and he come up to me goes Cuba. You shoot that motherfucker anywhere? I go yeah, he's at the gate getting ready to leave. He went in that kitchen and got the biggest fucking knife and ran down and cornered this guy. He kept telling the guy. It ain't about the eight dollars. It's the motherfucker

principal that's how old school he was he was I want my eight dollars something worth eight dollars he took the guy's TV his stereo fucking tremendous should have paid back to eight dollars Spencer Antoine God bless you motherfucker I always look you up on Facebook I think you're dead but you got Spencer's code yeah he's got like 18 fucking grandchildren back the dollar shave club listen a dollar six dollars a nine dollars they ain't fucking around double blades if you go nine dollars they even send you the cocoa butter for your face it takes the black heads out you look good

You won't smell like that fucking hooker. And for additional fucking money, they send you the asshole wipes, the peppermint ones. I don't know what they cost, but they're a blast. My asshole. Yeah, they have these eggs. What are they going to? One white charles.

Let me tell you something. Never will the chick go to suck your dick and she'll stop after three minutes and go. Do you smoke peppermint? But they're worth every fucking... Peppermint ass wipes. And you put that finger, you wrap that ass wipe around your finger. How can I invest it?

You touch that motherfucker up your ass and you twist it around. Oh, my God. Your ass is on. It feels like... You twist it up and... Yeah, it feels like you put bangay up your asshole. It feels like a little heat for like 10 minutes. It's tremendous.

And you can wipe your balls if you're nut. I feel like we're living in a whole new world. Yeah, yeah. And they send it to you to the house. They send it to your fucking house. Go to Dollar Shave Club. Fuck that. Go to Joey Dears.

Go to the Dollar Shave Club ban and get yourself the fucking deal of a lifetime. Why are you sitting there like an asshole with a fucking three-day deal? Run, get it. Yeah. Go get it. cock sucker and you're the motherfuckers if you hadn't gotten Hulu time is running out you don't want to go to the holidays

without fucking Hulu That's what I understand Hulu plus go to Joey Deers.net Go to the Hulu plus box and press what? Joey. Joey in the Hulu plus. At the internet to get the fucking hemp horse milk shake that one you press church And for the fucking dollar shave

club on Joey Deers.net You press church. Who the fuck you think of? Search C-H-U-R-C-H for you motherfuckers they got left back in the eighth grade or whatever the fucks. I like this Wednesday afternoon podcast. You're loose. You get fucking high. I got Tom Rhodes in the house. You know what I'm saying? He got caught in that Dodger traffic. What's the score of the Dodger game?

Has it started yet? I think it starts at four. Let me check. Started at one. My friend calling me was stuck in traffic. Oh shit. Dodgers are up, four to two in the six. Oh shit! They're going to extend it to game fucking six and five. You got to be for Pueig, man. The Cuban dude. Listen. No, he's too dark. No, I love him.

I ain't probably. I didn't. Too dark for you to... I never really watched them that much all season. I watch a couple games. Every time I watch him, he strikes the fuck out. It's up the end up. He hit that triple.

And I knew he was going to hit some. I went to two Dodger games this year. I saw him hit his first career grand slam. The guy's a... He's a fucking beast. He's just raw talent. Yeah, he's a beast. He's a beat. And he's a beautiful, lovable kid.

And he's lifted this team up. The whole Dodgers organization is fucking... It's nice to live here and to see that type of shit. You know what I'm saying? I think it's cool. I like this story. I think what's the story? Drop it on.

He's Cuban. I don't know how he... He swam here and he tried to come here. Now the guy that tried to get him here is suing him because he wouldn't give him his 15%. I know bits and pieces. I don't know the whole fucking story. You know, I don't know what...

There's just too many sports stories. I know he... He showed up late to a game and was fined by the team sometime during this year. And, you know, that was he was banging some serious hot chick. And, you know, I thought he could push it. You have a manager, correct? Or an agent. Anything help?

Yeah, I. When you call their office, correct? They don't hire a white person to answer the phone. They answer a fucking Englishman or somebody with an accent to impress you. because these fucking morons are impressed with that. Oh my god, they have a... She's so intellectual. She's from New Zealand. Let's get your shit together.

Can you imagine... You know that Geico Lizard? He speaks with a London Cockney accent, which is like the street thug, uneducated. I mean, it's kind of hip because it's the street lingo, but it's... You're like, well, it's the little Geico lizard.

And Americans think, oh, wow, a British accent. That's so But I just want to take you by this, all right? So these people call around and somebody answers the phone their Geico or a lizard or whatever the fuck they're from. How impressed do they get? They get impressed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

There's a black guy with a big dick and a Spanish accent. How much pussy you think he's knocking out of the fucking park? He's inseminating half of Echo Park. All those little white chicks that eat tacos and they were hanging out with fucking grifters. What's that? Those people with the tight pants and the fucking mustache. Hipsters?

Hipsters. He's, you know how many fucking little white hipsters? Yeah, them fucking momos with the hipsters. I'm a hipster. Get the fuck out of your hipster. When was the last time you ate acid? You know what I'm saying? The fuck out of my face, hipster. But you know how many of those white chicks?

He's fucking up the ass two at a time. Look at the size of that guy. He's got to have a dick. It looks like a little league bat. That's what his dick looks like a black aluminum little league bat. He vasolines that motherfucker. It's all shiny and shit. There's three white chicks sucking that black fucking black bean dick.

That's what comes out of that. Black bean come with fucking. Can you imagine it? It's like, this podcast is going somewhere else. Brought to you. Brought to you by the Church of Christ on. Fuck the Church of Christ, these shit.

This is the church of what's happened. Now, Coxuckers, Tom Rhodes, you were a savage. But you think about that. You really got to be honest with yourself. You know, white chicks, all girls are impressed with, like, black guys now. You got a black guy with an accent. It's like fucking what's his name. He's got malaria on his fucking.

What's his name? The guy that's seal. Seal. He's fucking two white women a day. Smacking him, calling him, white hos and shit. They ain't reporting them to the cops. You know, why he's got an English accent. If he was from the hood, yeah, you bitches suck my dick.

He can go to jail. But these guys, these black dudes with an accent, they got to wear a fucking murder, though. Murder, they'll be a slinging dick three a day. You got a black guy with an English accent. He's fucking white chicks ten a day if he really puts his mind to it. never mind a professional baseball player that's as dark as the fucking night you understand me

that motherfucker is Captain Darkness without the cape and now he's got an accent and he's a professional baseball player that's going to get the rookie of the year he's got his dick out and he's got chick sucking it like a spare rib by each side

like yum yum they put mustard on it and dipping it and barbecue sauce what are you going to do where has this podcast gone flying Jew what the fuck what's your sketch for the weekend. What are we doing? I'm coming to Ontario.

I'm doing Thursday at Ontario, Friday and Saturday. Then next week I'm in Jackson, fucking Tennessee, looking for Johnny Cash. You left me a bag there from 1929 with the chick. Where are you at next week? I'm going to China. I've got November 30th at the state side theater in Austin. I'm going to do my first live recording of my podcast.

You've got to go down there, people. With presenting my favorite Austin comedians in the front, then I'm going to headline it. You see what I'm talking about? What's your podcast called? Tom Rhodes Radio. Tom Rhodes Radio on iTunes. Don't fuck around.

And you have a special on chill, right? I think I saw that. Yeah. Yeah, I've got a special. It's on Netflix as well. You know what I'm saying? Tom Rose don't fuck around. Creeping while you're sleeping like Snoop Dog in 95.

What are you kidding me or what? So anyway, what's going on? I still smell that fucking hooker. I smell ass. But it's not like dirty ass. It's like... Let's you've been walking around all day. Yeah, clean ass.

San Francisco kind of smelled like a. Because I lived in Boston for four years. I know what the city smells like. And it doesn't smell like that here in L.A. Well, maybe in Hollywood. But, like, when I walked around in San Francisco, it's like a little bit of piss. And, like, I loved walking around that. But it's a...

God. What, you just hung out in the tenderloin? No, no, no. I walked around, like, fishermen. Like, not fishermen, but, like, a few blocks up from that, like, Lombard. And I just... I've missed it so much. Like, I missed...

I don't miss Boston because the fucking weather sucks. But I missed being able to walk around. I'm like, I, I, I, I, you can't do that in L.A. Right. So being, well, you can, but only, like, that's kind of why I want to move to Hollywood. But being in San Francisco and walking around, it just. It was beautiful up there last week. Yeah.

The fresh air. I love that it's fucking freezing at night. You know, it's, uh, it's just, it's, it's, uh, property is very fucking expensive. It's crazy expensive. I want to, I want to move back there just because I love doing sets there. The audiences are, you know, best in the world, multi-ethnic, multi-national. Very intelligent. My favorite kind of audience.

Very, but we're like you. Very international, very patois. Right, people who know some shit. That's right. You don't fuck around, they don't fucking around. All right. You ever do, you're going to Israel and Ari, hopefully. You and I have the information that is a rock club there.

And we'd have to pay for ourselves to go over there. You know, it might be pricey. If you're there. I saw Ari with you last week and we talked about it. And there's this club in Tel Aviv. but we both have to be doing something in Europe where we could easily zip over there because it's going to be at our own expense

if we want to do Israel, which is a pity. Yeah, you've never been to Israel? No. Where have you been to Israel? I would love it. I lived in Amsterdam for five years, and there are loads of Tel Avivians that live there.

And from what I've heard, Tel Aviv is supposed to be... It's awesome. A phenomenal city. It's like New York. There's no real difference between, New York and it's very... I heard it was fun and people liked to party and...

Have you been anywhere in the Middle East? Like... Dubai and Abu Dhabi. Is Dubai? Is Dubai... Is Dubai cool? I hear it's like... New.

It's not? No, that's one place I wouldn't go back to. Really? Really? No, man, it's Las Vegas without the fun shit. It's in the desert and there's a lot of shopping malls. It's like a little downtown,

a little place on the water or a little market that's just hokey. and I went to the Wild Wadi, this big waterside park, which was pretty cool. But I thought Dubai was a sleeping pill. I thought it was supposed to be like, I know like the actual Muslims can't drink, but I thought they were making it like a paradise for like white people and they could drink and go crazy. I'm sure you could do that in places. What's that Asian place at Vegas? What's the name of it?

Macau. Have you been there? Yes. Is that cool? Yes. I was staying in the old Portuguese original Old city

The old city, thank you That's what I'm looking for And the casinos are very close Or like I don't know Two, three miles from there Or even closer But It was cool

I thought Macau was really cool It was a Portuguese pirate Port for years And there's some cool history there. Have you been to Jordan here? That's right next to there.

To Iran, it's like right next to not to Iran, but I'm on Jordan. I have never been to Jordan, but I love that these people love Michael Jordan so much they named a country I'm saying. The flag of Jordan is that

air. I almost forgot to give out. Jordan symbol. I almost forgot to give out some shout out. I'm sorry to interrupt you. I love you. All darned. Franco, Cleo talks, I love you, your sexy bitch, Sergio Otega, you bad motherfucker, Diaz Matea, Troy Sandoval, Corey Howard, and Akul, whatever your fucking name is, Pahilu, whatever, get it together, cock suck, you know, I love you guys.

Tom Rhodes, always a pleasure to see you and just, I just want to tell you to your face, man, that you inspired me the other day when we had that check because once I saw you, I put it all together. Here's a guy that I learned it from you in a way, and I didn't know where to get that patience from. So thank you for the patience that you come here and you get caught up in stupidity. And then after like eight or nine years, you figure out that as long as you're fucking doing stand-up, you're going to be fine. Yeah, I would say if you set your clock by Hollywood, your feelings are always going to get hurt. You know, if your heart is in a pure way in the love of comedy and,

you know, fucking... They fuck me up in a way. I'm not going to lie to you. Hollywood fucked me up at the beginning you got to I had a friend that was very funny and one day he goes I can't do those jokes because when I get my sitcom they can't use those jokes and I said you know what it's over for you and I understood so thank you for keeping the fucking face so yeah you stab yourself no thank you we should have that in comedy we should have fucking Harry Carey just look at yourself just fucking just commit to say and sometimes I yeah you could sit here and bad there's nobody a bad mouth I'm bad mouth me that's you know it's just comedy and It's just the way life is.

But thank you, Flying Jew. What are you doing this weekend? You're coming by Friday and Saturday. I want no drama. Thank you, Tom. Shill love him. Some bad motherfuckers. Remember Dollar Shave Club.

Get a fixed income on your shave. I'll tell you what. I shave with Dollar Shave Club. Fucking tremendous. Even my little nose. I put the razor in there like a savage. So go to Dollar Shave Club. Go to Joey Dears.net and Pressing Church.

On it, go to Joey Dears and Pressing Church. And fucking Hulu Plus, which if you don't have it by now, It's free for fucking two weeks, and at $7.95, you're really fucking slipping, okay? Just shoot yourself. Harry, carry yourself right in the nutsack, you fucking Mo-mo. And besides that, we didn't pick a song. No, we didn't. What do you want to end?

How about Black Sabbath children of the grave? Okay. Because at the end, that's all we are. Keep drinking that Starbucks. Keep drinking your fucking Prius. You're just the children of the fucking grave. Put a tattoo with an L on your fucking forehead, cuckers, and take it to the next level. Who loves you?

Mad Flavor loves you. Go to joeydiers. Dot net or dot com, whatever the fuck of is, leave a message. at Beard the Beast, whatever the fuck, leave a message. I don't give a fuck how you got a hold of me, got a hold of me. You know, I love you guys. Tom Rhodes, you're the ultimate and the fucking comedy professional. Thank you for being out there teaching these young cock suckers, what's going on.

Stay black, bitches. For everyone listening, just to let you know it's Tom and it's R-H-O-D-E-S, right? R-H-O-D-E-S. And it's underscore Tom Rhodes for Twitter because I know when you get a thousand messages. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus

when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joey-diaz.net and click on the Huluplus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollar shaveclub.com. You get high-quality razors, sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshave club.com forward slash church or go to Joey Dias.net and click on the dollar-shape club banner. Oh shit.

Clean your muffler. The weekend's coming.