The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 10/21/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #121

Episode Date: October 21, 2013

Matt "The Immortal" Brown calls in for another great conversation. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 10/21/2013.

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Or just go to joey dyes.net and click on the dollar shave club banner. Oh shit. Guerrilla radio. Church of what's happening now. Podcast expression. It's coming at you motherfuckers. It's Monday. What's today's date?

21st, 22nd. 21st of October. Are you fucking kidding me or what? The beautiful thing about this is you are here. The church of what's happening now, Monday. baby. Get up, wash your pussy, eat some oatmeal, wash your ass. They mean business out there today

motherfucker. Oh shit. Uh-oh. Leesayat in the motherfucking house on a Monday morning making this motherfucker happen. Write your goals. Shine your shoes. Get out there. Show them who the fuck you really are. What's the story? Lisae.

Nothing, dude. What's going? What the fuck you've been, though? You know me, though. What happened? Tell these people what happened this morning? This morning? This morning, Oh, fuck. Like, because we started at 6 o'clock every morning. And I wake up at 5.15, and I get everything set up. I get everything ready. And I wake up to a phone ring.

And it's you. It's you. And I miss it. Like, you wake up, and it's, like, the last ring. And then you call me right back. You're like, I forgot the keycock sucker. So I get in, and it's fucking... And I run downstairs.

And I don't think my alarm went off or something. And it's just weird. Like, we've been doing it for a year and a half. half and it's never happened. It's Monday. You're fucking rusty on Monday. That's why I said you gotta go to bed early. Don't take a fucking chance on Monday. Never. On Mondays, I don't fuck around. Sunday night, I go to bed early.

Even though I wanted to stay up last night, I was energetic. I had shit to write. I was like, you know what, man? I'm gonna try to get six before the fucking podcast tomorrow. So I'm alive in cooking, you know? No, I know. No, I know you're sleep, but you got to fucking sleep, man. And that's a big mistake I made when I was young. I never fucking slept. You got to make time to sleep. I know your friends are doing this and

your partner's, but you got a zip in two here, three here, four here. It controls your weight, your blood sugar, you know, and you're healthy. You can go out there and snort coke and fucking drink and do whatever the fuck it is. You do, exercise, whatever. But you got to sleep. A lot of people just... That's why I did what I did this weekend, because I was lucky enough I came down to Ontario because you were close, and it's close enough to drive, but it took us,

took me three and a half hours to get down there Friday because I had to go down and get the girl first. I was like, fucking. I went on price line. I did the name your own price thing. I got a hotel right there. And I'm surprised you guys just didn't do it. I drive back. Well, I know you have the cats.

No, no, even if the cats, I drive back. If I'm an hour away as much as I travel, I got to hit my bed. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, as much as I travel, I got to hit my bed. Like, I know. I understand what you're saying, but I don't, because I don't deal with it. Because for me, not being stuck in traffic that three hours, Back and forth round trip would have been around to the hotel.

See, you're an amateur. That's why I took you three and a half hours to get down there because you went through hell. Well, no, an hour and a half of you toilet, let's say. I would have fucking gone down there Friday straight and then picked the girl up Saturday and gone down. That's where you fucked up. Yeah. I wouldn't have picked the girl up Friday. I would have drove because it's only 45 minutes back and forth under 210.

And it gets you right through the back of fucking Burbank. Okay. I did it every night. I mean, we even broke our own record. We were doing it in 40 minutes. But I'm doing 80. There's nobody out there. Yeah.

In the fucking daytime, as long as you have somebody with you in the car in L.A. And you could shoot that HOV lane, that's a glory hole. And that's what I thought you were going to do. Friday, I wouldn't have picked up the girl. You went into the mouth of hell. You went into downtown. Scratch that shit. Yeah.

At 5 o'clock, you're killing yourself to fucking live. That's why it took your three and a half hours. I used to take that route. Yeah. The back route in California is that 210. It goes through Arcadia, the Miller Light thing. On the way down, we left. All right, Thursday night started at 8.

We left at 6.30. Thursday night. Yeah. Made it dead by 5 to 8. No problem. Friday night, it was an 8 o'clock show. We left at 6. That gave us 2 hours.

And we still got that down at 7.30. Yeah. It was a height. There's traffic. But if I wouldn't have gotten the HOV lane with the Agostino, I would have never fucking made it. Yeah. And I would have gotten in the HOV lane.

without the Agostino, but at least you don't have to look around and be fucking paranoid and whatever. So just, you know, the number one thing that I didn't know for years that I know now is time. I don't like wasting time. If I have to sit in traffic for three hours, there's got to be a better way. As it gets later, if you jump in your car at six, you're jumping into traffic. So it's the same law diminishing returns whether you jump in your car at six or seven in a way.

You're going to make the same progress. for me I don't get on stage so 8.30 so if it's an Iowa I could leave at 7 not for an MC or something like that they gotta leave a little early and I understand these things but in California you have to plan and you have to plan your route

because you never fucking if you go to 5, the 101 you're gonna get die you're gonna die and that's why I feel bad for people and they tell me hey I'm coming to California to visit you. You're not coming to visit me you're gonna do something else if you come to visit me you stay down the fucking block

at the holiday and express on Burbank Boulevard you're not visiting me staying in Marina Del Rey because I'm never going to fucking see you. Oh, yeah. I know with Titan. I know you're 30 years, but my time is really important. I only got the babysit. Even if I didn't have the fucking babysit of five hours, I got five hours to dick around.

So I know what happens. It's the same thing that happens when somebody who doesn't travel contacts the airline and says, I want to go to New York. They go, really? You want to go to New York? Okay, what do you want to fly into? I don't know. Newark, I don't know.

And they're like, well, to fly into New York. work from where you're calling me, it's $350. But to fly into Kennedy, I could fly into $189. What would you do? You'd say $189. Okay, so you don't fucking know. Well, I'm saying that's what the people who don't know. Right.

Anybody who doesn't know would fly into Kennedy. I'm saving $180 fucking. But I'm also going to get kicked in the fucking ass 82 times by traffic. Yeah. By flying. You don't know that until you do it. Then they say, oh, it's a cab downtown.

It's $100. So what did you save? You didn't say nothing. You saved that fucking hour and you saved $80 and an hour of your life. You would land in Newark. It's only 15 minutes to the New York City. It's a big fucking difference, but you don't know these things. So the same thing happens when people come to California.

I want to come to Los Angeles. Whether you want to stay the standard. Right down the block from the comedy store. It's $800 fucking a night down the block from the company store. So now what do you want to do? Have you considered the beach? Don't you want to be close to the ocean? Really?

I could be close to the ocean. Sure. you could stay in fucking Orange County. 20 minutes from my way. It really is. Yeah, of course. It really is. With no traffic.

If you drive in the 405 is wide open and you do 80, it's 20 fucking minutes. Once you add traffic to that dilemma, it's an hour. Once you add the fact that you don't know where the fuck you're going with your stupid GPS, at 30.1 mile, make a fucking right turn. You don't know where the fuck you are. So that adds another hour of stress to your fucking life. What did you accomplish? Just stay in fucking L.A.

Or save money until you can. Because it's a fucking nightmare for you. It's not going to work out. And it's amazing that when you first moved to L.A., somebody says, meet me at 5. You, whatever, go on to A9. Remember that book they used to have before GPS? What was that stupid book they had that you looked at directions?

And they told you page A19. You're too young. No, no. I always had at least MapQuest. Fuck. you know, you go on that thing and it tells you, you know, 3.1 miles.

3.1 miles to an educated individual, 10 minutes. 10 minutes. Not in Los Angeles. Not in Los Angeles. You know it. You could drive to work every fucking day. They tell these people.

Yeah. You know, so it's, for me, man, I just stay close to the fucking joint so I don't have to fucking avoid it. You know, somebody says to me, you're flying, you're playing St. Louis. You could stay at the Rich Carlton, but it's fucking nine miles.

away or you could stay at the Holiday and Express and it's right next to the venue. What would you pick? Holiday Express. I'm at the Holiday Inn Express because I don't want to drive nine fucking miles. It's not worth it. What am I going to do? Get room service at 2.15 in the morning? I'm not going to do that.

Law and order, it tastes the same with potato chips from the cold bar and with a fucking cheeseburger from room service. So plan ahead if you move to fucking L.A. What's happening, beautiful people? I'm sorry we got into this fucking conversation. If he came out to the interior improv, it was a great weekend. Thank you very much. I had a great time with you

people. Nobody thinks about Ontario. It's where they send witness relocation people where they fuck up. It really is. Because there's really nothing there. It's a mall and an airport. But it's the nicest people in the fucking world, all that area around there, upland. I had a great time. I really did. I had great sets.

You know, the improv always pads the rooms. So they give away a lot of free tickets to people who don't know you so, and the next time you come, maybe they'll come down and see it. But they gave a lot of fucking tickets to some old people. And I could see the looks on their faces when I'm up there, talking about fingering people and fucking stabbing people in the neck and all this shit.

And it's pretty fun, like four people walked out. Apparently, the first night, four old people walked out. And then I'm not sure. But the second night, about three quarters away through, like, you hadn't said anything that ridiculous, so I don't know if they walked out. But it was like, you know, like, the group of women you always yell at. It's like four women just together, no guys. And, like, they're all a little bit bigger.

And at some point, like, four of them, like, separately walked out. out together from the same table and I think maybe they had to they were doing something else because you hadn't said anything that ridiculous right then but I was just I was hoping that it was and I was hoping you would see him to say something but even the girl I brought the girl and as we walked in she's like well there's a lot of old people here I don't know if they I don't know if they know who Joey is and then you said it right right as you walked in but it's funny how when you do comedy one of the worst things you could do to yourself in life One of the worst things you're going to do to yourself

is lose the battle before you go out there. This is where experience comes in. Ten years ago, I would go to a town, Atlanta, Houston, and the early shows are usually a little bit more bluer hairs like me, a little older people. And I'd look at those people when I'd shit my pants. I would psych myself up.

Like, they're not going to like me. I'd try to do the math in my head and try to cut the jokes that those people weren't going to like. It's a bad fucking habit to get you. yourself into. And I go out there and guess what, Lee? I'd bomb anyway. Because I was censoring myself and I was controlling my emotions

and I wouldn't, and I wouldn't, and now I don't give a fuck. If they're going to walk, they're going to walk. And nine or the ten of them aren't going to walk because they like that. They might love it, yeah. The kids are out of the house, now they could curse. Hey, that extra camera. Is it just staring into the white wall there? Right now, yeah. You want me to turn it on you? An extra little camera on lease. You haven't even have a camera on lease?

I have this, yeah. Okay, let's put another one on you. But it's amazing how sometimes you write yourself off. And I'm the king of doing that. Maybe I was doing that in San Francisco last week, where before you go on stage, you take a look at the people, and you write yourself off. This is a lesson for me. This is a lesson for everybody.

Some people are looking for work. Some people always, and that's part of the insecurity factor, if I'm not good enough. And I think about it after I did it. Saturday night in San Francisco last week, the late show, I didn't give a fuck. It was me against them. So I went out there and I had the best set of the weekend.

But all week I thought about the people of San Francisco and how they're educated. You know, one of the things I hate the most is somebody there they posted for an educated podcast. Listen to this. You know, nothing fucking pisses me off more than people that think they're smart. And they look, not that they look down on you, but the way they, it's like a condescending thing. Like, you know, like if you're at a coffee shop and people reading the L.A. Times, there's always that one jerk off that, they're reading the Wall Street Journal he's looking at these LA time people

and I see it all the time I see it all the time they think like they're fucking swarmy they got their glasses on and does it happen to you like when you get like because you sit in first class a lot because you got bumped up

like do you get a lot of business people who go in suits and then you're there like rocking out to Aerosmith and like do you ever get those looks? You know the worst people in the world is the ones that think that they're badass motherfuckers

because they sit in first class because they really buy into it that they are first class people because they even have three dollars in their pocket more than somebody else or whatever. You know, I go on first class. You know what I purposely do when I go on first class? What? I wear shorts.

Why? And I wear a white t-shirt. If I know, if I get, as soon as I get bumped up to first class on American or one of those airlines, I put a white t-shirt out. Like, when I get the email that morning, just to prove to people, you can look like, nothing bothers me more when people dress up for something. It's the fucking worst. And at 20, I fucking.

hated it. So you don't dress up to fly? You don't wear a suit? No, no, no. When people dress up to be that costume, that character. You know, when I used to ski, you know, when I first started skiing in Colorado, I like skiing, I took to it. But I wasn't going to go spend $1,000 to look like John Claude fucking Van Dam

on a ski slope with helmets and shiny pants, because I had brother-in-laws that dressed like fucking bums, had a big company. I mean, they weren't millionaires, but they were well off, and they fucking skied their asses off, because they had grown up in Colorado.

They were better than professional skiers. And all these professional skiers, it's like when you see a guy riding a bike on a Sunday. He just can't ride the bike. He's got to have the helmet and the tight pants and the clipper shoes and the tight shirt. But he's riding up and down Magnolia like a fucking jerk off. Must he show us, he's a fucking bike rider.

It's like when you go on a set and I see a person and he looks like a director, he's a jerk off. If he's got that little hat or when you go and you see abroad and she's got like the blonde hair, And it's poked up, and she's got a guinea tea on, and she's got a tattoo. She's the fucking director. I could tell I don't want to deal with that fucking dummy, because she's just selling a costume. That's what most people do today.

They sell a fucking costume, okay? You know, that stupid tattoo fucking show on A&E. Have you seen that dumb fucking show about bad ink? And they all have little hats on, like they're fucking artists. We're artists. The fuck out of here. You're a fucking Momo, artist. God forbid they're not a fucking artiste.

God forbid. And they love to say it. I'm an artist. What fucking do you do? What do you do? You live off your father's trust fund. You put cans together. And you crazy glue him.

What fucking artist are you? Get it together. You idiots that applaud that shit. Well, he's an artist. He's a fucking dick sucker. He's supposed to, he's dying to suck a dick, and he doesn't have the balls to fucking do it. That's when an artist is.

us. I'm an artist. Get the fuck out of here. You're an artist. You're living on a fucking trust fund and you draw pictures of fucking mice. What the fuck out of here, you fucking idiots. Oh my God. There's tons of that in New York and other days. They're all artists. Oh, they're all

artists. Get the fuck out of here. You're a fucking job. Get a smack to the face. And for you chicks that are, oh, he's an artist. He's the fuck out of here, you fucking idiots. So you don't consider yourself an artist? Not at all. I'm a criminal fucking comics that has a voice

that's it. What fucking artist? You see me with a hat with a feather? Trying to be somebody with a tattoo on my shoulder. Look at me. I'm going to Paris next year. Suck my dick. You ain't doing dick. Going to fucking Paris. And we see those people

and we tolerate those people and so do you that listen to this shit. You know what I'm talking about? Those little fucking faggots with the little Bruno fucking Mars hat on. Trying to impress me because they have a big word they just learned in the dictionary. the fuck out of here. I'm a hipster.

Suck my dick. Fucking hipster. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Set these motherfuckers straight when they come up to you. Pull them to the side and go listen. Get it together. Get it together. Go get a fucking job and go look at yourself in the mirror

and get it to fucking gather. Artists. The fuck out of here. But he's a fucking artist. Yeah. And everybody, you know. And they're all going to go to France. They all impressed some fucking idiot.

Oh, we went to Europe. Get the fuck out of here. We're cracks in Kansas, bitch. And it's funny because when he came into it, he said, oh, my Facebook didn't work this morning. And he said, fuck it, I'm sick of them. Those are the people that are posting on Facebook. Like, oh, I went on an audition today,

or look at what I just drew. That's like the home for them. This is why I went on a fucking audition today. Let's play some fucking music. Where's Tony Bennett? I want to be around today. A little something for the spirits that got you to the fucking party, God sucker.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. October, whatever. Get out there. shine your shoes take over the fucking world I wanna be around pick up the fucking pieces cocksucker what's that we for me you over there sitting there hiding you

get my in late get up you fucking I'm up you never come to me with that artist shit you know better that's why I love I respect you I don't know there's nothing about me that's an artist fucking artist you're gonna fuck out of here

it's a beautiful damn brother like somebody who What the fuck is going on today? You have never look at water boxes out there all lonely. Oh shit. What happened to the music? Who you, DJ fucking killed?

Fuck yeah. DJ Montevall. DJ Montevall. You take your wife with Jew food, yeah? Yeah, she likes Mediterranean food, yeah. I took it to the... That's not Jew food. Yes, it is, man.

That's the thing I understand when you... That's not Jew food. You said, those people kill your ancestors. You take up a herring? You take up a herring and whitefish? Yeah. Oh, herring. Okay, then.

That's fucking Jew food, okay? That's gross. I can't eat. That's for, like, my dad and his dad and, like, no way. That's the fucking, you're a Jew, Cuck, Tucker. Be proud. I am proud. White fish.

Some fucking thing in the sour cream and the sauce, herring and the fucking sauce with onions on a cracker. That's Jew food. That's too strong. That's what you have to give it. You can't talk to anyone for a month. Who gives a fuck? It's like eating pussy.

If you're going to run with the Jews, that's what you got to eat. Herring, and that's it, motherfucker. Just herring. That's it. That's it. That's it. Creams. sauce with some crackles? Who the fuck are you kidding?

With a nice piece, then when they have that white fish and the fish is whole, and you take a piece of that fucking that's fucking Jew food. Not that shit you eat with those fucking Greeks jumping up and down, fucking gyros and shit. Even though I like gyros. I don't like hummus. I don't like the other shit. Kababs and shit, Kaboobu, and

Babu Kanoos, you know, that's not Jewish. Yes, it is. Boba Kanoosha's Jewish? It's always right. How about I fucking shove this e-fucking cigarette in your eyeball? Baba Canoosh is not Jewish. Real fucking Jews that light fires don't eat Baba Canoosh, okay? Jews that light fires don't eat Baba Canoosh. Oh, God.

The fuck is wrong, which I feel good. I need to bring you to the Israeli consulate or so. Just somewhere to do a show for Israelis. Fuck them. Not that they're eating that Mediterranean shit, I don't want to run with nobody. I walk to a Jew party. They better have herring. That's who I run with.

I run with Jews to the fishermen. Herring, white fish, salmon, bagels. Where's the herring? Cream cheese, fucking all that. Schlazzer. I don't know what slats. I mean either. I don't fucking know.

It sounded Jewish. I'm going to tell you something. I had coffee this morning with my pill. And Anit sent me Stivias. Slivia? Stivia. The sugar? I've been using it for the last couple fucking days,

zero calories. They got it on the site. Go to Onet.com. Oh, they have Stevie? Scroll it down. They got stevia, and you can add packages to it. You get stevia with fucking shoom tech. You get it with fucking...

With the alpha brain, mixing all combined, they'll give you a price and baboon. Go to onet.com, go to joey deers.net. Go to on it and on on it press. Church. And get 10% off and get on the email list. And we're going to take care of you. But make sure you hook up with that fucking stevia. Because that shit is...

I even made a chocolate shake with it last night. Oh, shit. A little yoo-hoo and the whole fucking thing was delicious. Fuck you. I took care of myself this week. Mama was gone. I took care of myself. I slept.

I drank hemp. Fucking they got a hemp vanilla now on there also. fucking delicious. I got the box the other day. Hempelena. Hemp for us vanilla. Try these little hemp force fucking bars. They still got those.

I got about three left. I must eat it out of 92 of those fucking things for breakfast. They're delicious. But go to the stivia, go to Onet, make your fucking point. I'm telling you right now. Anit's not fucking around. They're the future. I'm looking good.

I feel better. I'm healthy. I'm sleeping. The protein, I'm farting. No fucking. You know, when you drink a protein shake, you want a plane or something? You got that weigh in it? Once you kill a fat,

It's not like a Lentophon fucking diet. It's the root of your asshole. You ever smell something of protein? You ever eat protein? And it's like, sometimes you fart, but it's like like a flour that just went bad. No big deal. Oh, mine are never flowers.

But sometimes you fart and it's the inside of your stomach. Yeah. It's like fucking everything is mixed in there. It smells horrible. Usually it's like that protein powder. Like if you eat the bars and shitty protein. Look at man, I don't fart in the fucking mornings.

That's what I have for breakfast. On Mondays, Wednesdays, if I'm gonna move, I just make a ham. for it's protein shake. If I'm going to fucking move, put a banana in there, I'm ready to fucking go. So go to Annet.com,

get your little protein shakes, your hemp, get the stereo change your goddamn way. No, you should try. What's that? Do a little mix, vanilla and chocolate, see how that turns out of.

I'm going to do that tomorrow. Out of respect. Thank you, Lee. You're an idea, man. That's like a black and white. See, you think a fucking Mediterranean person when it came up with that idea? Fuck no.

You, you're a Jew. Get it together. Jews run this motherfucker. You understand me? That's the name of your new podcast. Radio Jew. Huh? Who's the better...

That's actually not a bad I'd need to come up or something. Radio Jew. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? You're going to hit him harder than death. Or it's that pirate radio radio. At the end, it blows up. The studio just fucking blows up.

Every week. Every week we blow up the studio. The Sun's an addict. Who gives a fuck track? Well, I'll tell you what. Let me congratulate you. I guess it's the St. Louis Cardinals and the Boston Red Sox. I've worked really hard this season.

I know. I saw you do jumping jacks. I saw you swimming and run into first base and back, cock suck. But, you know, man, it's a shame to me. I feel bad because I grew up watching baseball and basketball and sports. And today's world guys at 50, I don't give a fuck. I'll watch it for a couple minutes. I mean, I was cheering for the Dodgers. I don't know who's on St. Louis.

No, do I can't. I was cheering for the Dodgers because I live close by. I live for 20 minutes. I lived through 15 fucking years. and you got to cheer for somebody. You know how? I do have roots. I came to see the Dodgers

when I was a young kid and I saw him play when they were Mets. As far as the Boston Red Sox, I've always loved the Boston Red Sox. I just don't know who's on that team either. I know they still got that big black poppy slinging dick up there in New Hampshire

at the fucking strip cross. But, you know, it's great for the city. I thought about it after, I couldn't think on Saturday night. I couldn't fucking think about it. Then yesterday I'm like, Jesus Christ, this is great for the city of Boston. You know, I've always been a big fan of Boston, always.

I knew that I wasn't even a comedian until I didn't work Boston because of all the comedy legends I came out of Boston, especially my fucking favorite was Lenny Clark. You know, so Boston going to the Red Sox, I heard last week that Lewis Tehont was at the game. Oh, he was? One of the nights. Yeah, and that's big. He was a Cuban kid that...

Have you ever met him? No, in 75 or 76. I don't fucking know. When the Red Sox played the San Diego. Cincinnati Reds, one of the games Louis Tient started and the Boston Red Sox organization got Louis Tiant's parents to come to the game out of Cuba. I mean, they went down and probably talked to Fidel and had to give him money to get him out of there, but that meant a lot to me that the Boston Red Sox went and let the kid pitch in front

of his parents. So because of that, I've always been like a closet Boston. I don't give a fuck about the Yankees. I'm not going to lie. They can't care less. What do they win or lose? There's always fucking stupid controversy, and they always buy teams. It's always something.

You know, it's amazing that we're not even in the playoffs this fucking year. It really is amazing. You really have to think, and that proves to us is that if you live by the sword, you'll die by the fucking sword. You know, they could build a team like everybody else. You know, I heard they built that fucking stadium. People don't even like going up there. It's $92 for a fucking seat and a hot dog, you know.

And if you live by the sword, you die by the sword. Me, I've always believed, yeah, you put a team together. You know, you build a team around one guy. You know, you get some rookies, a couple fucking old guys. But sometimes you just cannot buy a team. Sometimes you can't buy a team, man. You can't buy a fucking team. You know, just because you think they're going to be fucking funny

or they're going to click together. You can't put together a team. They got a mesh on their own. They have a saying it's like 25 players, 25 cabs, when they don't really get along because they don't share cabs. But last year we were like in last place. And we had a few different players, but we're essentially the same.

team, I think. But we just, we had Bobby Valentine that fucking disaster. And this year we had a good manager, and it turned everything around. And I don't really, I know baseball, but I don't really know like the ends and out of it. But it's crazy how things change.

And like, I don't like, I don't like the Yankees because I'm from Boston. I don't really have a problem paying for players just because everyone, everyone's payrolls. But that's what it's become. It was never like that league. That's what it's become. And I get it. You need a marquee player

to sell tickets. But a good team also sells tickets. Yeah. That's why. A good team, if the owner goes out and talks and supports it and gives it, you know, like I said, you know, I go to a Laker game and these kids can't afford to go to these fucking things.

You know, kids are your best mouth. You know, for baseball kids, that's what it's about. It's not about some 50-year-old fucking fat guy. I'm going to call sports radio. No, it's about fucking kids when you go to those games. Kids to go and get their gloves. and get popcorn and hot dog and wear like a fucking hat that belongs to the away team or the home team. That's what it's all about, man.

That's what it's all about, you know? And now you're so close, but you're so far from the players. Look at Aeron. I guess he's a fucking great player. Look at all this shit he's involved in. Look what it did to this fucking team. Yeah. Just a plane.

Don't they have it Chiro Suzuki still? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he's fucking eight million years old, but yeah, they have him. That guy on a bad day is better than most people on a fucking good day. Yeah. You know? I mean, look at the Dodgers. They had the world-caliber team.

I just don't think they could put it together. Next year, there'll be a force to reckon. That is kind of fun watching. Yes. But it's kind of like last night. The big game was the Broncos versus the Colts. What was the final score on that? I'll have to look it up.

But the Broncos lost. Yeah, the Colts won by like six or something. So, yeah, you never seen a bookie with a part-time job. Irming and their mother bet the Broncos. bet the Broncos on a Sunday night But that's not saying like they have They have the Powerhouse team that's not never

It's going to go 18 and oh And he's going to break all these records I knew they were going to lose They need to lose to win the Super Bowl Because that makes them human If you have a team that's 18 and oh Going into the Super Bowl Everyone their mother's going to bet them

I didn't even know Colorado was playing against the Colts But it makes sense that the Colts beat them up right Or they wouldn't cover the spread 3933 Yeah they didn't cover the spread But they went over. So you bet the Colts in the fucking over last night.

You got yourself a fucking like, I gotta get Danny B. Wins to call. See how he's doing. Yeah. I don't know if I'm supposed to call his show today. I got to fucking call him and stuff. I got shit this afternoon. Got a big day today.

Mama's not home. The baby's not home. It is fucking super quiet. That goddamn house. But I'm flying out Thursday to go meet with them in Nashville. And I'm going to do a show, Jackson, Saturday night, one show at 9 o'clock at Harvey's motherfucking south.

street baby oh shit i'm going over there to the south the fuck around eat some food you know what man i don't believe in fucking vacations i never did but i'm looking forward to this this weekend i'm looking forward just to relax with my wife and the kid you know what man i miss my wife and i could be a selfish fuck and call her and torture and shit like that but you're still going to do that no no i'm not my busting the balls at all my wife my wife's having just uh i never did anything nice for anybody, you know, growing up. And, well, I've never made anybody really, really happy. And this child is making her very happy.

So I feel good. And I know that she's around her parents right now. And she's around her sister and her niece and her brother and her sister-in-law. I know she's having a fucking great time, you know. She's not going back like the old, the ugly kid at the dance that sits in the wall. She's got a child now and they all have kids now. And she was playing with her cousins and they got her a fucking, uh, some fucking pad that she could play with her cartoons.

She's loving life over there, so I'm happy that they're there. I'm looking forward to flying in and seeing them Thursday. I'm going to go eat in Nashville at this fucking steak place, Kelly's, whatever I think of this, from Kelly's, but Danny Kelly's or something.

And then Friday, I'm going to go with Kristen, who's my niece. I have to go to the school fair with her. What, like college? No, high school. She's in high school. I'm going to call the call. Oh, shit.

Oh shit. Is this the man? This is Matt Brown. What's how beautiful? How are you? Thank you very much for taking the time, man. Yeah, no problem. I wanted to have you call after the Mike Pyle thing, but I wanted to give you time to level yourself and stuff and get back. And then all Sunday posted this Carlos Conduit fight, so I know we got to fucking do some talking. How are you doing? How are the kids? Same old shit, man. You know, they're just getting bigger every day, getting crazier every day.

How was Burke Kreischer last week? That was awesome, man. He's a fucking nut, right? Is he a fucking nut? I'm going to call him this morning. We might do coffee this afternoon. So he was trying to tell me that they goes, Matt Brown was there.

I know, I saw him tweeted too. So I was happening. Yeah, it was awesome, man. Dancing with his shirt off. You know what I'm saying? Bad ass, man. Fucking drinking and shit. When are you going to get up on stage,

Matt Brown and do some comedy with us? Shit, man, I ain't that funny. Yes, you fucking are. Don't even ask. I can't get that octagon. You know, man, I was thinking about something. You're a big 170, Matt. Yeah?

Yeah, you're a big 170, huh? I think I'm like average size, honestly. I mean, I don't think I could get any bigger and make the weight. And I don't think, I think if I was any smaller, it would be a problem. Yes, I was looking at it. I think I'm perfect. Like, it worked fucking perfect for me, you know? I'm, like, 185, 190 usually.

You know, and that's, you know, ideal for a weight cut, you know. And you're 6-1, right? 6-2? No, 6-foot on the dot. Oh, man, you're a tall guy. It just seen him. I was watching against Powell. I'm like, he's a big-ass fucking 170.

That was a great fight. And you said it yourself, Mike Powell's a tough guy. You know, he's a veteran, man. They'll pull a fucking rabbit out of their ass. They see something we don't see you. And so that was a great fight. You went out there with anger.

You were listening to Metallica. It looked like somebody tied you up and had you listening to fucking Metallica. And they were hitting you with a stick in the back of the head. You came out there like a fucking savage. Yeah, you know, it was like it's, man. You know, I train with my pot a lot. We're actually decent friends. You know, we know each other real well.

We hung out a bunch of times. We've trained together a bunch. You know, he taught me a bunch of things. Actually, I use a lot of the shit that he taught me still today. But, man, I knew how good he was, you know what I mean? So I went out there and I was like, I can't just sit back. You know, he knows my game. So I can't just sit back and let him get comfortable.

I got to go in there and put it right on him right away, you know. And I always try to look at the mental side of things. And, you know, starting off at the beginning of the fight, he was definitely, I think he had a little bit of, Us being friends, I think might have affected him a little bit. And I said to myself, I'm not going to let that affect me. I'm going to go out there and try to kill him like anybody else. And it worked out, right?

It really did, though. It really fucking did. Now, Matt, plain and simple, I mean, you know this. You're one fight away from a championship fight with GSP. Right. You're one fight away. I mean, that's it. This is what you've been doing all these fucking years is getting ready for.

for the dance. But I know you have Carlos Condon in front of you, and he's not going to be a breeze. You're fucking great. I mean, I see an advantage here. We're coming out there and just throwing fucking punches and connecting. How do you feel about this fight? Man, I think Carlos is probably the toughest guy in the division.

I don't see, you know, I think he's tougher than GSP. you know, GSP had a, couldn't put him away. You know, I think if like when he was fighting GSP, I think if that fight was a no time limit, I think Carlos would have beat him. You know, it would almost look like he didn't lose the fight. He just ran out of time, right? Yeah, yeah, that's a good point.

You know, I think he's one of the best guys out there, so, you know, I got to go out there and prove that I'm the best guy out there. You know, one thing I... It's going to be a fucking war, man. He's never been knocked out. I ain't never been knocked out. There's been years since he's been submitted. I mean, man, everything, all the stars are in line for a fucking war.

No, no, this is, listen, man, I'm trying to get that date off. So I could go up to Sacramento and watch the fight. I told Joe Rogan a month ago that that's the fight of the year. Plain and simple. Who gives the fuck about Ronda Rousey and the chick? Who gives a fuck about Anderson, Sylvan, Wydenman. I mean, I love... But this is, if you're into fights, if you're into fights, this is it.

This is it. You and him is... You can't fucking think of it. Your head explodes. And I love you to death. I know, one thing I give to Carlos' camp that I like about them is that they prepare, you know? They fucking prepare. Winkle John and him and the other guy.

They fucking sit down and they prepare. And one thing about Carlos is, like even against Diaz, he sticks to the plan, you know? Yeah. He sticks to the plan. So that's what's, those are his little things that he's really well known. And those are the things of a champion. And you have that too, you know? You have that mindset also.

But I'm looking fucking forward to this. I'm trying to get out of this gig. I'm going to fly in on Saturday. I won't be there for the way in, but I'll be there Saturday. And let's put this motherfucker together, Matt Brown. Yeah, man. I'll do everything. my power to do it.

You know, I mean, and that's all I can do, you know. I don't, I don't get too depressed about it, you know. I mean, I do, but I don't know how I said. But all I do is the best I can do every day, right? That's it.

And listen, man, that's the whole goal of this fucking thing. Yeah, exactly. You know, a lot of people, you know, they go into this whole, you know, it's the biggest fight ever in this fucking, uh, you know,

I've got to be, you have my, bad ass wobble i think about that shit every day anyway my man i just wake up today and i'm gonna do the best i fucking can you know whatever happens that night fucking happens you know as long as you're prepared brother and that's the most yeah you gotta be prepared yeah you gotta be prepared uh you gotta your head's got to be at the right place it's so weird i couldn't even imagine being a fucking fighter matt brown because of all the little tiny details It has to go, and it's not just about drinking protein shake and doing jumping jacks.

It really not. Not any fucking more, Matt Brown, not any more, you know, especially in your division, 155. You know, look at this fucking monster the other day, this Cuban kid with whatever his name was. I mean, one 70s. Lombard. I mean, 170 is going to start getting stacked, so you've got to be on fucking top of your game. And that, you know, even GSP. GSP is a good rest.

You know, he's great with his striking. You know, he does everything really well. He doesn't do anything like spectacular, but he's always prepared. His camp, when they go into a fucking fight, they break everything down and they prepare it. And it's taught me. Matt Brown, you guys, I've learned so much.

My comedy has improved from watching M&A. Do you know that? How fucking dumb does that sound? But it's very real. No shit. Because you got to figure, when I watch a guy that comes from a wrestling pedigree, okay, and he's 8 and all, and he's been beating everybody with wrestling, and now he fights this guy that finally figured him out,

and the guy beats him with wrestling, and this guy doesn't work on his striking for fight number 9 and 10, I see that, and I compare that to my career. You know, fighting on your back to me is riding. That's the toughest fucking thing, is riding comedy, sitting down and riding. and putting it together, and then you have the performance aspect of it, and you have, I have all these aspects when I perform

that I break down just like MMA. You have the wrestling, you have the jiu-jitsu, you have the striking, you have the Muay Thai. There's so many fucking things to what you do, you know? Conditioning. It's a, so kind of taught you to be more diverse. Yes, and you have to be. How fucking much does it piss you off

when you see a fighter who's known for a spinning back pit, fist, for example, and in one of the biggest fights of his life, he throws that punch 18 fucking times. They're waiting for it. He's waiting for it. Come up with a low kick, and you might get the fucking guy. Did you watch K.J. Noons against George Saterapolis'i on night? Nah, actually, I don't even remember who won that fight.

K.J. Noon's fought one, but it was pretty good. I mean, Sateroplas didn't get beat up, but there was one part where he kept giving him low kicks. K.J. Nunes kept waiting for him. and finally he went up high and he got him right in the fucking head with his kick that was beautiful he just didn't knock him out with his head kick

but it's the same thing with comedy I did a callback this week about saran rap on your dick and it's it's the same thing as MMA you just have to go in there prepared you know now I do callbacks in comedy it's when you call the joke back

like 30 minutes later Matt I never did that because I never prepared now when I do it I prepare what I prepare and it's because of watching MMA. See, I don't really know that much about comedy, but it's pretty interesting when I hear you talk about shit like that. You guys have a method to it, huh? It's not just going up there and being a funny motherfucker.

I just like there's some method to it. No, Matt, I know for a fucking fact that you were one of the toughest guys in your high school. I know for a fact. I know the way you walk. I know the way you fucking, you know, the way you talk. You got into some fights of Dairy Queen or whatever. But, Matt, for you to fight in the UFC, you had to improve from that fucking puncher guy, correct? Yeah, fuck yeah, I did.

Same thing with comedy, man. I was a funny guy on a corner. Cracking jokes. Look at that chick's tits. Look at that guy with the limp, you know. You're a funny fucking guy, but now you have to tighten that up more to be a UFC fighter. That's one side. When you're a professional in a different world.

Now, guess what, Matt? Now you already went six and oh against the low. or in division. Now they're putting you up against, you know, Tiago Alves. So now guess what, Matt? Your level has to get a little fucking better. You can't get to practice at 10 after 9 no more.

You've got to get there at 10 to 9. Because that's what makes you better. You know, you have to... Right, right. So I always been like that. Yeah. I always been real fucking strict about everything. And the one thing I try to be kind of careful about

is not making this fight more than what it is because you can overwhelm yourself you know what I mean absolutely if I start thinking like like man I've got to do extra training I'm fighting a higher level guy you know then you end up in overtraining you end up overwhelming yourself you end up putting a negative pressure on yourself you know so I look at at Carlos as another guy you know he's in front of me he's my heart breathe the same air as all all the other guys are knocked out. He puts his pants out one leg out of time, just like you, brother. Exactly.

There ain't no difference. So I don't see any reason for me to, you know, I'm always looking for ways to do more. Or I'm always looking for ways to do less also. You know, taking out the things that are unnecessary and, you know, being more consolidating my time better and being more efficient. with my time on the mats or in the gym. So, you know, to me, it's the same shit that I've been doing all this time. You know what I mean?

It's nothing. I'm not really changing anything up. I'm just trying to be the same thing I was doing before, try to be more intelligent with it. I was trying to be more intelligent with it before. I'm still trying to be more intelligent with it. And after I win this fight or whatever happens with this fight, I'm going to do the same thing after.

After I retire from my fighting career, I'm still doing the same thing. How can I improve my life today? You know what I mean? It's the same shit every day. That's why a lot of people, you see a lot of guys, especially boxers, or Rampage would be a good example. Like he does a fight camp. You know, he doesn't do anything to improve until, you know, six, eight weeks out of a fight, right? And that's a completely wrong way to go about, I think.

For me, it's a lifestyle. Every day of my life, I'm looking to improve something. All I got to do is get 1% better every day. If I do 1% better every day, then eventually I get to 100% right? No, you're right. How old are you now?

You're 30 or 26? You're a young guy. No, I'm 32. Fuck, you're a young guy. You got the world by the fucking ball still. Exactly, right? Yeah, you're going to be a fucking champion, man. You have the right attitude.

I heard Cubans got a picture of you at their house now. Who does? The Cubans have a picture of you on the gym wall now. Shit, how's that one for you? No shit. I'm just fucking with you. They probably do. They puck, yeah.

Those guys are proud down there, bro. You left, you know. Those guys will have you back for the... Now, the fight's December 13th. It's October 20th. You're ready. You've never even stopped after the Mike Pile fight, I presume. No, I took like a week or two off.

I mean, I just had so much shit that I had to do. You know, here's what happens. Every fight, I put every fucking thing off in my life. My bills get unpaid. Well, my wife now, she takes care of shit pretty good. But, you know, my yard is in mode. The grass is two feet high. You know, my fucking garage is a mess.

My oil, I don't change my oil for, you know, 10,000 miles. So then first couple weeks right after a fight, I got to catch up on everything. I'm just fucking slam, you know what I mean? Because I dropped everything in my life, you know what I mean? That's what you're supposed to do, man. I'm just too often. I'm just busy as shit when I just want to chill. But I'm like, man, everything, my life is falling apart.

Now I got my wife takes care of shit pretty good now, but, you know, there's still a lot of things that she can't do that I got to take care of. I don't mean to break your balls, Matt, but what's your typical training schedule? now. Is it seven days a week? Is it five days a week? I mean, what is it now? And then it elevates in November and then you cut it back for a month. I mean, I don't know. Can you break it down for me? Well, it's like this. Seven days a week, I'm doing something to improve. That's not necessarily training though, right? It's not necessarily getting in the gym and banging out a hard workout. That's usually four to five days of hard workouts and the other two to three days. would be recovery, what we call like a ligament work where I'm just building my ligament and tendon strength and trying to, you know, what we call prehab is what we call it. So you're preventative maintenance on the body. So it's seven-day a week, you know, 24-hour day thing. Usually, you know, what we do is a three-week cycle.

So I do a really hard three-week cycle. Right now it's like a high volume, low intensity cycle. And then basically what will happen is the volume will start going down until it's more specific for the fight, which is 15 minutes, and the intensity will increase. So if you imagine like a graph, it would look like an act where the volume is up top, intensity is at the bottom, and then they cross paths in the middle,

and eventually the intensity is at the top and the volumes at the bottom. And what's today? Yeah, no, no, what's today? Right now I'm headed over to the famous Westside Barbell, which is the strongest gym in the world. I don't know if you ever heard of these guys, but they got, yeah, yeah, they got multiple. I think right now there's eight world record holders in the gym for powerlifting.

The famous Louis Simmons is in there. He's the coolest dude. I've ever met our life from one of my inspirations. Later tonight, it'll be, I think we'll probably sparring since it's Monday. I like getting sparring straight away in the first thing in the week.

Well, listen, brother, I'm going to be up there with you December 13th or the 12th. I don't know when the fuck it is. I'm in your corner. Yeah, you know, I'm in your fan. I love you. You're a fucking savage. And the church got your back, buddy. And I want you to call up after the fight.

And I'll be in Columbus, hopefully, in January or February, and you'll take me to eat somewhere in your hometown there. Show me what's cracking. We'll go do Jeremy and Loper. We'll do the radio in the morning. Then we'll go fuck around. Those are good people. Yeah, that's my boy.

I love her, man. Yeah, he's a good dude. So that's it, man. I'm happy you call this morning, buddy. And I'm in your corner, and thank you for everything that you do. Absolutely. Appreciate a ton, brother. And we got you, baby.

All right. I see you. 7 14, my right. Stay beautiful. Thank you, buddy. All right, bro. Fucking the immortal cock suckers. Drop it on you on you

on a fucking Monday morning. Wash your pussy, wash your feet, spray some antifungal between your toes. Let's get this party fucking started. Let me get some shoutouts here. What's up, Lisa,

Ayat? You're sitting there? Yeah, because it just blew my mind. I mean, I'm not even that high. But it's funny whenever we have a phone call that taught... I wouldn't be surprised if people think we'd be,

planet. Like if we, like, someone asked me once if we had a production meeting for this. We don't, we just, we get high and we talk. But at the beginning you were talking about how you let, you let the San Francisco people get into your head a little bit for the earlier shows. And he talked about that. He said, you can't

get negative energy going. Like, it just just, like, I don't know how that happens where, like, we were talking about it to open the show and then he brings it up. We didn't have a pre-screening call with him. He probably talked to him yesterday and to come in and be a, be bad motherfucker earlier. Yeah, no, I just

listen, man, we're all we all have, I do this church shit early morning for one reason. I do it for one, you know, to have a good time with you, smoke some pot, you know, maybe fucking lighten up your day, let you know that it's going to be an easy day. Number two,

again, to let you know that what we do you could fucking do at home. Whether you want to fight, do podcasts, do calmly, be an artist, whatever fuck you want to do, dog, don't let nobody fucking tell you, you can't. do dick or your dream i know what it's like to be at the dinner table and for somebody to say you know what i think i want to do this and for everybody to tell you you're a loser for doing it it happens because we care about you we don't want you to get your feelings hurt just in case if your dream

gets crumbled but that's part of your fucking dream to go out there and fucking grab it and if you fail so what you get up again you dust yourself off and you go to fuck up there again you know and that's it and eventually something good will happen you think it's my dream to sit here every day and hang out with some fucking Jew at six in the fucking morning. Fuck yet. Shut the fuck out, cock sucker. But no, man, but at least we're doing something.

And this wasn't the direction that I thought was going to go, but you know what? I'm happy that I'm doing it. I'm happy that I'm helping you people out. By letting you, introducing you to people like Matt Brown and showing you that, but this ain't shit. You could fucking do this. It's Monday. If you're going to do it, do it today, cocksucker. What do you got for music?

For your Uncle Joey. What do you got? Nothing. I got to give shout-outs. Hold on, Cuckuckusker. A little Chris Deep. Michael Kern, your brother, cash cush, Edgar fucking coin, Tent Planet Omaha, I love you, motherfuckers, waterboxer, always on the job promoting Bazooka Joe and Arii Eyebar, my fucking little Puerto Rican, they get him in Mono.

And let me talk to you about something else that people have been hitting me up with lately because I'm telling you this from the bottom of my heart, and I don't fuck with nobody. Listen, these people contact us from time to time. Last week I got contacted like three times with a toothpick thing. Listen, we don't fucking fuck around with a lot of people. And you know what? They'll give us a couple fucking grand a month and we'll just sit here and do whatever we need to do

and I can care less of you guys use it or not. Dollar Shave Club is a great fucking product. I'll tell you why. A, you don't have to leave the fucking house. B, they send them right to your fucking door. And three, it's a great product. Four, this is the cherry on top. It's a dollar a month, $6 a month, or $9 a month.

Depending on what your program is, what you could afford. But the best thing about it is you have a fixed fucking cost for the year. So if you go with the $6 one, it's $72 fucking dollars a year that you're spending for raises. They send you, what, four fucking blades a month? That's one fucking blater. And look at this. Tremendous.

I have the same blade from last week. And, you know, I'm cheap. Sometimes I fucking forget. I use the cocoa butter. Guys, go to Dollar Shave Club right now. Go to Joey Dears. Dot net. Click on to the fucking thing right there.

Sign up $1, $6 and $9. You will suck my dick when I see you And I'll tell you what They say that the $6 one is the one that you can use On your wife's little monkey too And on the asshole The dollar one works I shaved my wife's fucking tithies last week

I'm just kidding you But Fucking I'm seriously I wouldn't fucking have a product here If I didn't believe in it Dollar Shave Club A dollar $6 or $9 Get the $6 one

$72 a fucking year The razers get sent to your house They email you when they're on their way You can't lose Okay Go to your job Joey cocageas.net and press what in the boxley? Church.

Church, cock suck. This is what I'm talking about. And my dad used it. My dad got it. And actually, because he's retired now so he doesn't go to a job every day. On the site,

you can choose, like, let's say you, let's say you're cheap. If $6 a month is too much, you can have them come every two months. So it's only $3 a month. You can have him delay it. If, like, you're,

only shave a couple days a month. This I'm talking about. I'm trying to save you fucking dough into something productive. Thank you, Lee. You're a fucking sales. No, yeah. my dad got it.

He's like he, he, you don't use. You know, I, sometimes I forget to change the race. I'm like, oh, fuck, this is the second week. This is the second week, and I'm pretty fucking close-shave. Well, look up close. Look at that, motherfuckers. Who do you think you're dealing with some novice bitches? That's Monday, man.

I want you guys to be prepared always to look sharp, to smell good, wash your fucking nuts. The CD's coming good. The CD's going to be out fucking soon. It's coming together. Shut the window. How the fucking the New York weekend is coming. We're going to have it around the, fucking holidays. Then we're going to also

have some type of raffle. I think Kali came up with a great fucking idea. This is why I fucking keep him around. This Jews are bad motherfucker. Christmas Day, we're all going to go watch Grudge match. We're going to meet somewhere about 7 o'clock at night. We're going to get fucking tremendously stoned either up in Studio City or

Sherman Oaks or Hollywood. We're going to get Superstone and we're all going to go see Grudge match as a fucking family. Do you understand me? What fucking podcast does that? Christmas Day. T-shirts, the whole fucking deal. We're going to go see this as a fucking family. A 8 o'clock.

We're going to find the movie theater. We're going to take over that motherfucker, Dead Squad style. Who the fuck does that for you, cuckers? I know because Christmas a rough time of the year, some times for a lot of people. Fuck Christmas this year. Santa Claus is sucking our dick. I'm fucking church. In fact, that's the name of the night.

Santa Claus is sucking our dick. December 25th, put it in the fucking calendar. Eight o'clock, we're going to go get a movie theater in the Hollywood area. We'll all go on a fucking see Brudge match together as the church fucking family. It touches my heart. We all did this together.

We're all going together, cocksucker. That's how we do this. It's a fucking La Familia, you shit. Al-A familia. Get some fucking Jews. Get a hooker. We're going to kill her on Christmas fucking night. Who's better than the church of what's happening fucking now?

Then we're all driving and lead to the airport together. The next day. I was just thinking we should get a Chinese food place to cater a Chinese food. We might even fuck. can do that at a Jew food place. A white fish, some herring. Why are you going to run people with white fish?

Fuck it. Because if they're going to run with the Jews, they got to eat like a fucking food. Even all Jews who eat white fish don't like white fish. Tremendous. Your dick gets hard and you get a little bad breath. Like, you eat pussy the morning and then brush your teeth on the way after. You ever eat that monkey in the morning? Don't brush your teeth on the way. You're driving? You're like, fuck I didn't brush my teeth. Fuck it. Let them deal with it. I hit somebody with this pubic hair breath. You know what I'm saying?

Fuck it. It's Tuesday. What is it? Monday. Monday. Pray a little pink floor. I wish you were here. why not? A little something for these fucking people. Is that type of fucking day. Wash your ass, right your goals down. It's 709 in the morning. L.A. time. That means it's 10.09 in New York. That means

it's 420 somewhere. Spark that fucking number. Tremendous. Get you a little sentimental. Get you going on a Monday morning and shit. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Lee, what up? You're looking at me all retarded out? You awake yet? The fucking was awake. I knew because the fucked up thing is I was...

What time do you go to bed? less night. Like midnight, but the fuck-up thing was I woke up at 4.30. And did what? No, I was just planning. I put Sports Center on and I was like, okay, I'll just be up for like an hour until I get here. And you wake up, is your little Pinguita hard in the moment? Do you play with it a little bit? Your little cappuccino of the helmet?

No, I do that to fall asleep. You bangling out to fall asleep? Fuck yeah. Disgusting. Do you get up and wash your hands? Fuck, wash my hands. Why are you putting it? He's about to start singing, that shit. I don't know what we're talking about masturbating over fucking Pinkwood? Nobody's talking about masturbating.

You, you piggy-fuck. He's with the music. Oh, shit. So you think you can tell. Oh, shit. Break out that reef. Call the boss. Tell him it's over.

Tom. Tom, you don't have an appointment for the winter. Can you tell a green field? Are you fucking kidding me? This is real music, people. Oh, shit. call the boss tell him it's over you're coming at 11 o'clock

please cough and they ain't even smoking dope that's how deep this song is you know what I'm saying you cough you don't even smoke it's through osmosis kent you I think you might have to call YouTube and do what on the right where they do like

the recommended videos it's all pink floyd and then one Miley Cyrus song you might have to call them and get them to what's the Miley Cyrus song the new Wrecking ball one Put it on. You want to lose it on Miley Cyrus?

Give that bitch a break, bro. Miley Cyrus is a fucking savage. She's fucking something. I want to hear this song and see what fucking sounds like. There's an ad for a few seconds. I'll be a smoking dope by myself. It's going to be a beautiful day today. It's going to be sunnier.

I'm going to go to class. What class are you going to today? Today I'm going to fucking go to TRX kettlebell class. Oh, should I have a class for it? Cool. Do you bring your own or? No, no, they have everything in that. Oh, shit.

Nine seconds. So they have a half hour, TRX, and then 45 minutes kettlebell. Then I'm going to go meet Diagistino, do a little writing. I got some errands. And tonight I go to Jiu-Too late night. Oh, shit. Get Mike Cardio going. A little Miley Cyrus, let's do this shit.

Whenever the millionaires think I'd find this. No longer don't you ever say I've never heard this before Oh it's going crazy Is it good? It's not good but the video is her fucking sitting on a wrecking ball smashing into a thing

Like naked All these bitches want to be wrecking balls And they want to be lions To Katie Perry Howe What's that song? Roar Are you fucking kidding me You let that Englishman eat your pussy

And now you want to roar get the fuck out of here I like Katie Perry I just don't like this type of fucking let me fucking raw type shit you know man but yeah I'm actually kind of scared I'm pretty much in two or three weeks I'm gonna be done working

I'm gonna try to do it just just this stuff it's nerve wracking I'm also gonna try to take you to fucking couple places move some shirts oh no I mean meet some people I'm not gonna be but it's it's uh I was thinking about it's kind of we're going to do all that stuff and it's great

but it's scary when you got to the point where you stopped having a day job to do comedy it's fucking you don't you like that $500 a week or whatever it's good knowing you have it but it kills you every week you take that check it's a really weird thing

when you learn to depend on yourself you know I'm writing this book and I'm meeting this lady you know and the theme of the book is growing up to be a man what my mother wanted out of me But the theme of the book isn't really that. You know what the theme of the book is? You know why this book is going to do well,

why everybody's going to understand where I'm coming from? Because at one time or another, you have to realize in your life that you are alone. You are alone. What do you mean? You're alone. Okay. When you're married, all these things,

when you have a family, you know, you're alone. You know, I've never had that mentality escape me. ever since my mother died. I've had two things affect me since my mother died. First of all, like I said, the documentary. I said that when your mother dies when you're young, it's like eating food, but it doesn't have salt on it the rest of your life.

Like, that's how my life has been. Like, there's always been since I was 15, the salt's been missing from my life. Yeah. I do it, and I enjoy it, and I make the best of what I got. And number two, when my mother died and I didn't have a father, The thought of being alone is one thing. The realization of knowing you're alone is another.

And once you know you're alone, it makes your life a lot easier. It makes you, yes, you should be scared when you switch a job or when you end your job, when you quit a job, but in a way you shouldn't be scared because you depend so much on yourself and you have so much confidence on yourself. You know, there's two ways of making money. I have a friend that calls me every week and tells me how broke he is,

but he's working on a script in a year. I got, no, I got the script. And once it goes, these two writers were going to pitch it, me and Michael Rapp, and he drops all these names on me, and that's great. But that's a year away. How's your family going to eat today? I learned how to make a living today.

I know how to make a living in a year. We did it. We started a podcast with no money. We got up at five in the fucking morning. Did we not leave? Yeah. And eventually people called this up. Can you sponsor us, blah, blah.

And also now we make a little bit of money to help pay for you and help the editing and to keep the webpite going and all this shit And that's great and dandy, but we did it because we have a certain belief and a certain faith in yourself Not in society a lot of people depend on society Well, blah blah blah If I that's great But there comes another part of this you have to fucking believe and want to do this You know and that's real deal man And that's why it's really scared when you quit a job

But in a way you sit down a week before you quit the job you make a day a few notes and you make a few notes on what you want to do and what you're going to do when you stick to it. And I'll tell you, man, even if you quit your job, because when people quit, nobody who fucking works is happy. I wasn't fucking happy being on a roof and estimating it. It was great. I was out of the house. I wasn't locked up. But it's one day you sit there and you're like, this isn't what I want to fucking do. You know what? I want to open up a business. I want to sell fruit. Whatever the fuck of those who want to do. So in the meantime, how can I make that dream move forward without being angry.

That's why we get fucking angry because, you know, there it is. Monday or Wednesday, you're stuck on the fucking 405, you know, and you still got another delivery to make and you're going to miss your jih Tzu class. That's one thing. But the thing that you want to sell, that personal thing that you want to do, you know,

that as long as you work towards that, put your pennies away, you know what, I've got to get a boot of the fucking farmer's market to sell my fucking soap. It's going to cost me $22 fucking dollars. You know, as long as you're working, working towards your dream. It makes it so much fucking easier, you know?

I don't even know when we started this shit at. Just get your shit together. You're going to get a new job or whatever. Just depend on yourself and know that. Like what Matt said, you're going to do the best you can every fucking day. That's it. That's fucking it, man. That's it. Planning a fucking simple. And take a day bite. That's another thing he said.

He said, you can't get two-sac-job. You can't think you're going to quit your job. And then immediately you're going to be like you're going to be the top comic. You have to understand. start from the bottom. And it's like, it's, uh, it's really cool when you have, when we have fighters on. Like, I mean, it's hard to think that you have anything that you can, like, relate to them with because, like, they're just, especially that Diego Sanchez, whatever that fight was the other night that was fucking bananas.

I can't imagine. If I had that, if I had that cut once, I'd be in the hospital for two weeks. But, uh, it's cool when they have things that you can relate to your life. Listen, man. Uh, hard work. You know, committing to something. You know, breaking it down. You know, sometimes you want to do something.

Break it down. You know, I got my GED. Did you know that? Did I ever talk about getting my GED diploma? Well, no, you said, you told us, well, you said that you had to leave high school for a little bit, but you went back. I thought you finished. I went back, but they wouldn't let me graduate because I was a credit short. Yeah, credit are too short.

I said, fuck it. They said, if you want to go to summer school and make it up, I wasn't going to go to fucking summer school. I didn't think the high school. I didn't think I was going to leave my high school. school diploma not where I was going to go to hell so I don't think you need a high school diploma to help so I never got one but as I got older when I tried to get into the University of Colorado they were like nah you're gonna need a high school and I bought the book and I studied and I took my fucking GED and I'll tell you it was the most fucking

embarrassing fucking thing I've ever done why I don't fucking know it was embarrassing brother it was I felt terrible about it how can you quit fucking high school how much of a fucking loser can you be, but I did it. I'm happy I took the test. You know, today I have a high school diploma. Not because I, not because I, you know, I'm better than anybody else, just because I had to take it and just, it fucking breaks my heart that I quit high school sometimes. But it was just like such a personal fucking letdown to myself, you know.

Yeah. Well, no, because it's crazy. I can't imagine. You said you had to quit because you have to quit because you, you have to. had to fucking have a job. I'm lying. I had to quit because... Well, partly.

Yeah, the job thing was a lie. I told everybody to make it easier on myself. I could have had a job and gone to school because I worked nights. I just had to bust my ass. I didn't want to bust my ass like most people. No one does when they're 18. I didn't know that. You know, I didn't know that.

But I quit because it was a cop out. It wasn't... I was a part of high school, but I really wasn't part of high school. You know, like this girl called last week, and we spoke about another girl that died, and I was really sad for a few days, and this girl kept asking me, when am I going to see her? And she mentioned a bunch of people. You know, it's funny.

When I go home, I see the people I want to see. You know, I see the people that have to... There's a couple people I like to see, but it would just bring pain back to me, or it would bring bad feelings or something. I don't know. but there's a bunch of people that I knew that I knew didn't have my back in high school you know I was just a ship that was passing

through them and that's what these people feel like to me that I was just a ship passing in their life they weren't there for me all those hard years like they avoided me those years like they had heard that I was stealing and I was on drugs or something so I became that guy and yeah now you know whatever second chance whatever the fuck who gives a fuck

it's Monday I want you all to take what you fucking learn today and apply it to your fucking life go out there stab a motherfucker. Be the best you could be. Do a jumping jack. Whatever fuck you want to do, man. You could do.

Just say it as fucking hard as they say it is, you know. Just stick to it and believe in it, you know. At this time we got together, right? Two years ago, maybe a year and a half ago? Almost three. Well, for the podcast, like a year and a half. A year and a half. And we decided on the podcast.

Now Lee's going to start his podcast. What was the name of it? Jew Radio. Jew radio. Radio. Radio. Radio Jew. Yeah, like it. Make a ship with like a flag, like how they had pirate but have it be the Jewish star.

Someone sent me that picture. I'll use it as my podcast picture. A Jewish star, done. And that's it. This Friday, I'm in Jackson. Tennessee. I'm in Harvey's South Street comedy and Jackson's. It's a small place that seats 100s or tickets are going to go fucking fast.

I advise you to get it. And November 7th through the 9th, I'm at Charlie Goodnights in North Carolina. But October 30th, the night before Halloween, we're doing a live podcast. podcast at the Ice House with my main man, Ari Shafir. We're going to meet at six, the two Jews and the Cuban food, or we might go get herring and crackers, and then we're going to eat the biggest edible we could find. And we're going to go do a fucking all-Jew pre-Hawween fucking podcast for you people at the Ice House. If I was you, I get those tickets.

And even if not, just come up and hang out outside. Bring a costume. Let's smoke some fucking dope. let's turn it into the ice house church of what's happening now Halloween fucking festival and shit but I'm very serious about Christmas Day I'm gonna raffle something off at the thing I'm gonna wrap for a present off for you guys

to do with the movie at the thing so let's get together Christmas night 8 o'clock I want to find the movie theater who's gonna play the movie grudge match we're all gonna go and smoke pot and maybe go to Denny's afterwards something or something like that so plan on that and that's it

Have a great fucking day. Have a great Monday and Tuesday. We'll be back here Wednesday with a superb guest and some shits crackleckin. As usual, please support on it. Please support Dollar Shave Club. But fucking Hulu Plus is adding a bunch of new shows and they're crackleacking motherfuckers.

So I'm telling you once, again, for months, I've been giving you this fucking deal. What is it? Two weeks for free? And then it's $8.95 a month. Not even. $7.99. $7.99 a fucking month.

Are you fucking kidding me or what? That's $8.000. times ten is 80 times that. $96 a month plus the 72 and you got razors and fucking TV. That means you can watch Hulu while you're shaving your asshole. Who's better than me? And how much of the fucking Mickey Wipes? Oh, the one wipe trailers are four bucks, I think.

Are you fucking kidding me? You can have a peppermint asshole, dollar shave club and Hulu Plus. But Hulu Plus ain't going to last for much fucking longer. They're going to wise up until all you motherfuckers to take you two weeks and show up your mother's ass. So it's two weeks for free 799 790 fucking 9 And you can watch

Miley Cyrus on Saturday Night Live Two weeks ago Jump up and down With that bony fucking ass You can watch Shark tank Because no one's home Friday I don't know why they have it on a Friday night It's a great fucking show

They have it on the day after it airs It's the Jewish man's paradise I sit there I think about the money they're spending I'm like Ohulu Hulu Plus cock sucker Go to Joey Diaz.net

And press in Joey Joey for Hulu Plus And the shirt to coming. The fucking hats are coming. The hoodies are coming. We got a beautiful fucking thing. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great day and stay blacker than black. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet.

Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joey dyes.net and click on the hulu plus baner. And don't forget to sign up for your, for a dollar shaveclub.com. My dad did. You'll get high quality raised your sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollar shave club.com forward slash church or go to Joey Diaz. And click on the dollar shape club banner. Have a good day.

Play Miley Cyrus. Oh, fuck. I switched back to a... What did you switch back to? To Pink Floyd wish you were here. All right. I finish it up. I love you guys.

Have a great day. think you can tell. Blue sky. Can you tell a green field? A cold, steel, red, a smile think you can tell.