The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 10/22/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #20

Episode Date: October 24, 2012

Joey and Lee catch up after a long weekend. Joey breaks down how people used to make "street money." Find out why Joey hates restraining orders. Joey's friend who later became a cop in North Bergen calls into the podcast. Joey plays a scene from The Pope of Grewnich Village.  Streamed live on 10/22/2012

Greetings. Oh, you cock suckers out there, it's Monday, the church of what's happening now, November 21st to 22nd. I don't know what the fuck it is. I'm here with Lee Syatt, the flying fucking Jew, Joey Coco Deer is your host. Play that music Lee. It's Monday. Don't be lowering that shit. Hit it. Oh shit. A little black Sabbath, Sabbath bloody to get you gone on a Monday fucking morning. Play that motherfucker Lee. But I'm not going to let you know. But I'm not going to tell your dick. You know what I'm saying? That's why you got to figure it out on your own, cocksuckers. It's Monday. Kick that music, Lee. It's a beautiful day to be alive. You got a second chance of doing whatever the fuck you want to do,

or it's your 300 chance. Let's say you're quitting fucking drugs today, right? You're like, today's the last fucking day. I've been trying for the last eight years, Joey, and I can't quit on Monday. I make it to Monday fucking night. Well, today you're going to make it to Tuesday. That's it.

You're going to get a little bit better. That's it. That's what the church is all about. Lysayat, the Flying Jew. Where the fuck you've been? I've been with my mom, which was great. Like you always said, when you go home, it's great.

And I didn't go home. but just having her here. We hung out. We did some fun stuff, but it was nice having her. I haven't seen it for about a year. Did you give her a shotgun? Did you give her a cookie?

Anything like that? My mom would probably, it'd be worse than giving grandma a cookie if you gave my mom a cookie. And by the way, Grandma alert. Grandma alert. She's back. It took a 10 days that TAC

was going through a fucking system. They gave her antibiotics, George's grandmother, to knock the T.C out. They told there was a foot infection. So for you guys that are out there, they gave her a pot cookie, and they diagnosed her at the doctor's office with a foot infection.

So there you have it. Nobody knows dick. Beside that, what else, Lee Lee? You have a good time with Mom. Did you go to the Brazilian place? Yeah, I went to the Brazilian place. How was it? It was great.

Was it? Did you eat a lot? Yeah, Jews love farming six of meat. Oh, please. And they gave you meat. You got the yellow rice. This is like Fogo the Child Light. This is like Fogo the Child Light to play some Burbank called...

Cursney Sierra or fucking I forget. I'll have to look it up. But it was a great place. and then we saw Argo, which was, I liked it. And, but tell me this might have been, because my mom was really, she got, like, touched by it. Sure. But I wasn't alive when that thing happened. So it doesn't really affect me that much.

I was alive. I was in high school. That was 79 the year my mother died. And I had a friend, Ron Berkel, who drank every night during the conflict. Over a year. Yeah, he decided, fuck it. If the, if they're kidnapped over, I'm drinking every fucking night. And every night he got.

I'ma, your New England Patriots, they don't fucking cover. They don't fucking cover. I love them to death. Don't get me wrong. I love that motherfucker, but they don't cover. Yeah, it was, it was, I didn't get to watch it because we were out all day, but we got to, I know, I said, we got to the restaurant for dinner as they were kicking the Phil Gold to go to overtime, so it was really, I was freaked out, but it was a, it was a good weekend.

Oh, shit. Very fucking. I'm taking my vitamins. I got a vitamin D efficiency. Living in California, how the fuck do you have a vitamin D's, D? Deficiency I know I went I went outside for about an hour yesterday I can tell I have a sunburn look at you

You got a new fucking haircut you got a nice haircut for mom You're working that will You know what I'm saying you got your little yamika spot all fucking done up You got it buffed up you're looking sharp When I see you in this one I'm like look at Lee Lee Lee when he was flying around all weekend With the yamaca spot You bad motherfucker today's your day cock suckers I got a movie for you I got my man Chris Gaynor

An ex North Bergen cop and a basketball player I grew up with He's gonna call from Florida I love this kid. He cracks me to fuck up. And that's it. We got a great day. We got a great week. I'm home. Minneapolis was fucking great. Thank you if you came to the theater with Joe. I had a weird set because I had been in Minneapolis a month before. And I always hate doing my own jokes, and it's been rough.

I think I wrote one jokes as then. So I just went up there and dicked around. No, so it was great. I had a great time. I went to this restaurant that, you know, like I said, when you go to the Midwest, brother, the fucking meat is off the chain. You think like you're getting a good steak in California. When you get to the Midwest, Joe took us to someplace manis or something.

My God, he got this Australian lobster tail, like a three-pound lobster tail. It was as tender as like meat. I mean, it was just amazing. The butter, I had a nice salad, a nice steak was a 20-ounce. I cut it nice. You know how I do, dog. I'm just trying to put the fucking pieces together like the next guy. No, no, no, it was great.

I got a great. The other day I was coming in last Sunday. I went to the Y in the afternoon, and I came in. and the Pope of Greenwich Village was on. It's a movie that came on, 84, with Mickey Rourke and Eric Roberts. That's fucking amazing. I'm going to cover that later on. But I just want to talk to you guys.

We haven't been around a week. It's weird. This week we're doing us Sunday with my man Danny Bioncule. He's going to call and give us picks. Did I tell you, I went on his radio show on Wednesday, and listen to this. He asked me, put me in a fucking tough bind. But let me tell you how easy life is and gambling is. He put me in a tough bind.

He goes, you've got to give out a pick of one of the local teams. Well, the Lakers ain't fucking playing. and I haven't seen them play preseason. So the other local team was USC. They were giving 41 points to Colorado and Boulder, my alma mater, plus they've won in five against covering the spread. Okay, so for people who do not understand, giving 41 points, I mean, they had to win by more than 41 points.

They had a win by five fucking six touchdowns, basically. Jesus Christ. Because six times seven is 40 fucking two. Yeah. So they had a win by six touchdowns, okay, which is a lot. When you have a line that big, It takes a lot of sweating. But when you see a line that big, they know something you don't so bet that side of the game.

Okay. Plus, when he said to me that there were one in five against the line, I knew that it was a lock and a half. I told him, go with USC minus the fucking 41. You know what? I put it on Saturday night, and they covered. I couldn't fucking believe it was like 50 to 6. And then yesterday, I didn't give out a pick. But if I tell you who I liked yesterday, it was just amazing.

And I loved the over on the Houston Texan game. I told you, whenever I didn't. destroyed ball Whenever I need money Whenever you're in a bind for money The Houston Texans Will fucking come through for you You just gotta have some balls to bet them

Especially against like a big team That they're getting points at home They'll always cover They're great against the cover Texans Okay And that's who I like I just didn't give it out We didn't have a Sunday show

So next Sunday We're having a Sunday show With Danny Biancula Hopefully Wednesday I get my man Chuckie from Ramapo To drop the story on your motherfuckers When we were 13 They went to see the Sixes against the Knicks

And the guy who took us Got into a fist fight We got a testicle So Testaments getting released tomorrow. The story of my dad won, and we got a Wednesday, we got a live show. Oh, shit. Which I'm going to do. You know, it's weird because I'm having a daughter.

And I had a daughter when I was 20-something, and we stayed in touch until she was about 10. And then life takes it into different directions. So you have to go with life, and between me living out here, and the mother and me didn't get long. Child support, and there was a bunch of variables. We just lost touch. I tried to, I tried to reopen up the vows of communication the last few years. But you know what? We're not ready for it yet. So I admit a lot of mistakes at that time.

When I went back in 95, they were trying to take my fucking kid, dog. And I didn't understand it. I was still a young renegade, you know, and I went at them. They sent people to beat me up. I mean, it was just a horrible fucking story. And finally, believe it or not, I had the fucking vision, because I usually don't have this type of vision, because I really wanted to kill these motherfuckers.

But I had the vision. I really didn't. It was scary to me. I mean, it's scary when your mind goes in that direction. people say that they have suicidal thoughts you know what I'm saying I've never had suicidal thoughts but when you're laying in bed thinking about how you're going to kill somebody that's not all so healthy

for you either no and I knew it wasn't going to end up right so you know what I pursued my dream I put it in God's hands and I pursued my dream and I didn't get my dream you know really but I'm doing comedy but at the same time I had to give something up and that's what I gave up so that's what this week's about we did it already and it came out okay that night but the sound was kind of weird

so I'm gonna have to redo it again this week It'll be the fourth chapter. We got one another one on tape. I'm not probably going to do one in November, December because of the holidays. And then the whole thing is us putting it together for next year. And bubble, that's it. Oh, shit. We're 20 days away.

How many days away from the fucking election? This country were tied, Obama and Rom. And you know what? Like I said, I got felonies. It got nothing to do with me. You know, I can't vote. But at this time, I can fucking vote. But I don't want to go for that jeopardy fucking question.

I just don't want to do it. That's too much pressure voting this year. It's just too much. No matter how you vote, you're going to fucking lose. I hate that. I'm even going into this because people are going to say, Joey, you're talking about politics. No politics. No fucking religion at the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? Hit me with a little Monday. I want to be around by Tony fucking Bennett to start off the week. One of the greatest songs ever fucking written. You know what I'm saying? Where's that piano, Lee? Where's the piano, Cuckucker? Oh shit. I got it already. Lee, come on now. Who do you think you fucking deal with? Some Jew in Michigan? I got fucking Lee Sciatia. I want to be around. There you go, baby.

To pick up the fucking pieces, motherfuckers. All your dilemmas, your problems. I want to give some shout out to some of my buddies here. My Mac, Mark Gilpin. My man, Jefferson fucking Weave. My man. Tony Lag, all he is on Twitter. I love you, motherfucker.

Just some appreciation. RJ Strachio, Jordan Lee. That bad motherfucker, he'll be there. Wednesday. He didn't come to the other one. I think there was a. something at the comedy store or something, but he's been the most of him.

And I saw that guy, Chill, I'll put that Dea's song on iTunes. Which one? That rap song he did about you. Chill is a bad motherfucker. Thank you for reminding me. Put it on iTunes when you act like Joey Diaz. I love fucking chill, just for him to have the boy. You know, right there.

The guy made a song, whatever. He took a video, and he took my voice, and he made a fucking song. And he's out there pumping. You know, at the comedy store, I used to hear stories about MC Hammer, the fucking 80s, the late 80s, he come around selling albums out of his goddamn trunk. You know how embarrassing that is to sell arms? Yo, come me, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about that, Lee. Lee got scared. He's still fucking getting flashback to the fucking New England game yesterday. Lee, stop scratching your head. What are you up like? When you were scratching, he reminded me of a guy. I knew this guy that used to be bald and used to do coke, and he always thought that a bug was landing on his head.

Like 10 lines in, he'd always think that a bug, and if you caught him, he'd be looking at the fucking bug, and he tried to smack it. And the reason why I stopped talking to this guy is because one night he's like, you got to take your clothes off. I'm like, why he's like, you got my Coke on you. He said he was missing a line of Coke, but he knew exactly what was in there. And he fucking, uh...

He was missing a line of Coke. He was missing a line of Coke. And he's like, you got to take your clothes off. And he would, in the middle of the speech, he would stop and squat his forehead because the bug was going on. There was no bugs around. The windows were closed. It's fucking the middle of November in Jersey and you swat and fucking bugs.

One time, listen to this. fucking thing I was in uh... there was this guy when I worked at the Crest Gilm Hotel in uh Snowmazz Village Crestwood you know believe it or not I was security that Lee Oh Jesus Christ I was security at night So you had a key to all the rooms

And I ran the buses back and forth to the hotel You don't know how many times those vans did fucking loop-de-loops and I was picking up people coming in from Texas Where are you from boy? Fuck it, we're doing 90-cucked sucker but there was a kid at the Crestwood whose name was Doug and he was okay he was a white kid Another bad kid right And one night he was partying with some chick.

And he went to the bathroom. He came back and he took the chick stole some of his coke. So he pulled the shotgun out. He put it to her head. And the cops came there. Rest them, Swat out of common shit. I wasn't there. I just heard the story.

So he picked up the name shotgun, Doug. This is like 80. This had to be 84, 85 in Aspen. Yeah. Well, in 91, I see this motherfucker in bold, in 94, 95. I had just moved back from New York. I had started comedy And the name was

Something Auto Sales Out in Long Lung, Colorado, Swizzler Something like that Something weird Auto sales My buddy Jim Wheeler And Orlando Baca Got me this fucking job

On like a Wednesday And it's like Christmas week It's like the 18th of December And I get this job Well the first two days I make $3,000 I sell like three cars High End whatever used pieces of shit

I sell them and I fucking make like $3 grand Well that Saturday he's having a Christmas party and who shows up, but that shotgun, and I haven't seen him in years. I'm like, Doug, I'm calling him shotgun. And we're playing basketball, and I think I didn't call him shotgun in front of anybody.

I just called him shotgun to his face as a joke. And while we were playing basketball, he started saying, how'd they treat you up there in prison? Did you get fucked on the ass? And he elbowed me. So I waited to after the fucking game. Mike Kessler should have told this story because Mike Kessler was there.

I waited to after the game, and I said, let's go to the side of the building and smoke a joint. And I took him to the side of the building, and I elbowed him, fucking mouth like 18 times right but you can hear his head banging against the fucking uh because they had a trailer

instead of a building to sell cars was out of a trailer they could hear his head banging against the trailer and they fired me December like the fucking Christmas Eve it was like one of those things like December 22nd they fired me but I had $3,000 to boogie with so who gives a fuck about getting fired on Christmas

as long as you got a little cash to get a couple fucking Christmas presents how crazy was it when you were a night to curate in a hotel I just imagine like all the girls you could bring him in and not have to know i didn't have i didn't have that you know what i had a girlfriend at the time and we ended up living at the at the complex they gave you employee housing okay the good thing about that was like there was people who go to jacuzis at night because jacuzis are big out there people love laying in their fucking sperm i never understood that just sitting

in this hot fucking tub with old sperm and piss on you just fucking massaging your pores you come out of there you're fucking pregnant by whatever by association and uh This fucking vapor pen is tremendous time. Last night I went over to NO organic, and they had a new cartridge, King fucking Louis. One, two, three, four, five. You see the light blink three times for my man, Mikey Gao. He goes, I heard that the pens burn out.

See if this is burnt out, you fuck. Look at that fucking smoke, Mikey Gile. Like a doctor and shit on a Monday here in the church of what's fucking happening now. And that's it, Lee, that's all I got for you. I'm saying? I got stoned this week, and I went to Minneapolis. I've seen seven cycle paths.

Was it good? With Christopher Walker? It was okay. It was okay. I enjoyed, you know, I'm too uptight for those kind of. But it was funny because I was sitting there, like, the Lemley in North Hollywood, the Studio City has, like, those old rich Jews that come in, you know, and they think, like, they're old producers or something,

and they all meet there on Saturdays. And Christopher Walker was saying some pretty fucked up shit at the end. They were all trying to force laugh at it. Even my wife. who's not in the business said something. She goes, even up here, it's so fucking phony. But I did watch a great movie when I was in the hotel Friday night. I went back and St. Elmo's Fire was on.

Have you seen St. Elmo's Fire way before your time? It's a kid movie. Fucking, what's his, Aaron Cushter's wife from Roblo. But there's a part where Roblo's bang. He's not banging that he hangs out with this little Jew brook, and he goes back to a house for one of the holidays. And they're Jewish. Lee, this is what I love about Jews,

and they would go, did you hear about the Rosenbergs? They moved to a new neighborhood. Not too many Jewish families, six families, but very wealthy. And then the next thing she goes, did you hear about Amy, whatever, Kleinberg? Cancer.

So she looks at Rick, whatever's name is, and she goes, where did you and my daughter meet? And he goes, prison. Science cock suckers, you know what I'm saying? Even with a fucking kid movie, I'm dropping knowledge on you motherfuckers on a Monday. What time is it, Lee? Who the fuck knows?

Who can't? 8.15. Oh, by the way, the reason why we're late today is because Lee had to drive his mother to the fucking airport this morning. So, for you people who were saying, Joey, you woke up late. Mad Flavor, don't get a late start, cock suckers.

I'm busy. I was waiting on Lee. I appreciate that he had his mother this weekend. And you had a good time, like you said, you had a great time, man. You know what? You didn't smoke dope. You didn't get your pipe sucked,

but you spent some time with mom. Yeah, we went up to Malibu yesterday, which was nice. And I had, fucking, I've never been there. I've been here for two years. I never go out there. It was nice. Did you have your bikini? Yeah, I had my little speed on. Yeah, you know.

You put your little beach on the beach is beautiful, huh? Oh, yeah, she loved it. Beach is fucking beautiful. You know, and I don't go to the beach enough. Last summer, I would go on Sundays. Uh-huh. I would go on Sundays early. I usually go to a beach about 7.30.

Holy shit. I go up to 101, and I get off to Pangan. I make a left all the way down the canyon. I go down there about eight. I get there about eight. Me and my wife bring something to eat. We hang out to about 1030 until the people get packed. and we get the fuck out of it.

We go the other way. We come up sunset onto the 405 and we're home by 11 o'clock and we went to the beach on the Lord's Day. Who's better than me? Yeah, my mom was making fun of it because it was empty because it was 75 yesterday which is a little bit chilly for people around here

and the beach it was beautiful and the beach was empty. Empty, no, no, that's it. Once no September comes. You know, you see a couple surfers and wet suits. Yeah. You know, you see. But it's really weird. Like, I grew up on the Jersey Shore

and, you know, am I a fucking beach guy? If I'm there, I'm loving it, you know, but it's getting me there. Like, when I lived in New York in North Bergen, I had a drive-in-hour, and I had to have two hours to get to the show. It was okay. It was okay. You're doing a few bumps. You're hanging out with your buddies.

But, you know, I mean, it's still, it's not like living on the beach. Like, when I lived in Colorado, all I had to do was opening up my slide door, and I would walk 20 paces and I'd be skiing. Oh, shit. You know what I'm saying? I skied right. I lived on, you know, ski on, ski off. So, yeah, let that motherfucker out.

That's super bad. My cat of cats, he's going to turn five pretty soon. He's five fucking years old. Super bad is as old as I've been clean on cocaine. Oh, he's already five. Get out, cock sucker. He's a pain he is. He likes to eat.

He hasn't grown. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, I was in ski, ski out. So all I had to do baits. Now, in those days, Lee, in Colorado, here's the fucked up thing, that you had a ski pass, but if you didn't have a ski pass, you had to pay like 40 bucks a day. That was a lot.

Yeah, fuck. Dirty years ago to ski. So what I would do is, I would, uh, I lived up on the mountain. So all you had to do was get your truck. I would throw my skis on my truck and go up to the hill, park it, and get on there. Because after a certain point, I didn't check your tags. So you could go with an old tag that was like a year old, and they would never check your tags.

As long as it look like you had something else. So I would get three or four skis in and go to work. I loved it. I would ski on 185s. I fucking loved it. But then when I moved to Boulder, it's a four-hour fucking drive. Really? Yeah.

from Boulder to Aspen to get good skiing to snowmass you know you go to like little shitty places but if you're gonna go and pay the money you might as well go and I did it like two times and your friends pick you up at five yeah you start fucking drinking and snorting by the time you get to the ski resort you fucking ham it you already got a you got a valley man you just go to app pray ski and get fucked up and that's what happened because it was easier for me and it's so weird that I got ashamed about that like you know how many times I've been to Venice Beach in 15 years once twice twice maybe that's that's a sketch

But you know what? It's the fucking drive, Lee. The rest of the people in the country don't understand. That's why when people call me and they go, hey, I'm coming to California, I sit them down. I'm like, what did you expect? I don't want you fucking people to expect. Well, we're going to stay in Universal City and we're going to get down to Marina del Rey. And then from there, we're going to go there all in one day.

And I sit there going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You ain't getting there in one fucking day? No, there's no way, you know? They try to tell you, like, I'm going to go here, and then we're going to go to Disneyland. You know that if they go to Marina del Rey after they see the traffic, Because the tech you know it's so funny It's like when you land it's like if you take a plane from if you're calling from California

You go hi American Airlines I'd like to fly to New York Yeah They'll say to you where would you like to fly into you say I don't know what's Newark Newark is 10 minutes out of the city really yeah how much is it It's 689 but if you land in LaGuardia it's a hundred and 89 dollars and you're like I save five hundred dollars how far is LaGuardia oh it's 25 minutes from the city When you get there you got to walk 10 miles to get to the train You know what I'm saying?

They don't tell you about that. So you're cursing the motherfucker out. The same thing happens when you come to California. You call him and go, so where do you want to go? Well, I want to be close to Hollywood. Okay, we'll put your Marina del Rey for 200 in comparison to Sunset and W for 600. Yeah. Really?

I could save $600. Yeah, what's the... Nothing. It's only a 20-minute drive. Yeah. If there's no traffic at 4 in the fucking morning. But when you got out to 11, you're like, it's only 20 minutes, and it's a fucking hour. There's construction.

Obama's flying in. Tell these motherfuckers What happens to the city When Obama flies in And he flies in about once every two months Because this where all the money is Yeah, this is all the Gitas is So every time Obama comes in

I cancel all fucking appointment Because there's always something fucked up And that's what people don't realize If you come to California Hit us up We'll fucking tell you the easy things We'll fly into Burbank for the extra 20 We'll put your universal city

You know where the fuck you're going But for you people are like Well where's Huntington Beach Oh it's 45 minutes from Hollywood Yes it is But that's an hour and a half During the fucking week and then I want to have back.

So you're like, let's go back to a hotel room, take a shower, get dressed, and drive back up. You're fucking hurting, man. You're like, what the fuck did I get myself into? Yeah. What did I get myself into? I'm not used to this type of traffic. I went through about a tank of gas this weekend,

which is with my mom. $75. Yeah. $80 for a tank of gas to fill up a mid-size. And I looked at, I went and looked at some of the, what are the, what are they called? Not a Prius and whatever the thing is, the Honda. And the leasing is fucking expensive.

How much is the leasing? 350, 360. And how much you have to put down? 2 to 3,000. But I didn't try to do anything. You didn't do the credit app, no. You have to look to see who's got a deal on those things. Prius, right now I think

they're fucking zero down. Two something a month. You got good credit. You're fucking Jewish. You're the flying fucking Jew. You pay every bill before it even comes out. And I appreciate that about you because that'll come back and biching the fucking ass later when you're dirty.

You're like, oh, fuck that man. That's what happens when you go to college. They send you these goddamn credit cards. Once you take your first loan out. It's a setup. You don't think it's a fuck. It's crazy because I was talking to a guy in Minneapolis the other day at the hotel. And he was from Jersey from 1950-some.

We're talking about the economy. And how all the corporations really did was swoop up. They're criminals. Like, listen, what do you think life wasn't hard in the 70s and the 80s in this fucking country? We had the same recessions. We had the same fucking problem. We had garbage strikes. We had a bunch of shit going on.

You know, we almost, New York almost went under. under 10 times in the 70s and fucking 80s, okay? But the problem with people was there was street money. You can make street money. Let's pretend the Kualoot. Let's say you only worked. You had a family, right? And I came to and I said,

oh, you got a family, you're not doing that. You go to the bar once a week, don't you? You had to play darts into fucking while you're there, bring 50 Kualudes with you. And you make 100 fucking bucks. And if you do that, and then now you start picking 100. I'm, bro, at 15, I'd pick up 100 quailutes for $200 and selling for $4. I make 200 bucks in fucking two days.

I didn't do this every day, but I did it once a week. You know, 200 bucks, it's $800 fucking dollars. That's half your thing. You know, now, all right, so what happened? So they did away with the fucking Kualoot, and they put out all these new pills, Allegra, and fucking, well, that's an allergy pill.

You know, fucking all this anti-depress. It's a fucking Kualud. It's a fucking Kualud. It's a fucking Kualud. And he, you know, Rora made a Kualud. Lily made the tumulus. You know, something else. A lemon made.

quailudes so what the corporations do they just took that out now you have to pay a doctor you gotta get a prescription yeah in the old days you're back hurt you went to Washington Square Park you picked up eight values for ten dollars even in those days there was a V in the fucking value they even redid the structure of the value and that's how you knew they were fucking real so all this shit okay then in the 60s 70s 80s you didn't have a job you had a mortgage you like sports right Lee you like talking sports right I come to you and I go Lee let me ask you something you're sitting there like a fucking bump on a lot

You're waiting for a job. You know, and now, if you get, let's say your business picks up and moves to China, you get unemployment for I don't know how many weeks, 120 weeks, I don't know exactly, I have my sister-in-law's on it, and then after that ends, you're done. You're fucking on your own. You're out there, there's no disability, there's no nothing else.

You know, 20 years ago, I could come to you and go, Lee, it's not illegal, don't worry about it. You get a phone, and from 5 to 7.30, you take basketball action during the week. Joey, will I get arrested? No, who cares? You're going to sit at home with a pen, people are going to call you and say, Lee, Lee, Leeland, what's the line on?

The Lakers, their minus eight and a half. $500 the Lakers, and at the end of the week, Lee, you work seven days, or we've got to give you $500, $600 cash. $700,000, $700,000. That means you're going to make $2,800 cash. You could fucking pay your mortgage. You could pay your car. But what did you work?

10 hours? If the cops come, what are going to do? They're going to kick down the door. They didn't care. They didn't care. So what happened? No, now we got OTB, and we got the fucking lottery. So all they did was just take away the street out.

That's why people walking around fucking confused any day now Gun sales are gonna go off the fucking roof I don't give up that's why everybody yesterday somebody else got show up Oh I saw fucking I'm sorry for their loss but I said it a thousand times man I hate those fucking restraining orders I've always hated them most people get killed when they get a fucking restraining order Why do you know because it infuriates people You love your wife Papa blah blah blah maybe you made a mistake maybe she made a mistake you guys were at war She gets a bug up her ass she calls a fucking female attorney attorney goes we'll get a restraining all like this That's going to get your, a piece of paper is going to separate somebody from fucking shooting you in the fucking head.

You know, that was the name of my original CD. Just because it's got a restraining order. I don't mean I'm not going to fucking kill you. That was the original name of it. It's the truth. You know, I always, every time I read about that I get sick to my fucking stomach, that somebody thought a piece of paper would empower somebody. Oh, really, I got a piece of paper to stay away 60 fucking feet. Well, lived in Seattle, I got arrested with that girl 10 fucking times.

We always had a restraining order because there was harassment. We were smacking each other. I kept fucking her. I didn't give a fuck a restraining order. What's that going to do? It's a fucking piece of paper. Get it together.

And if you're a woman and you think a restraining order is going to fucking help you, well, he can't get close to me. Is he calling in? By 50 yards. Fuck you. I get three cocktails in me and a half a gram of blow.

I'm coming over. I'm eating that fucking ass. Fuck your restraining order and whatever bullshit. So ladies, if you get a restraining order, make sure it comes with a fucking gun, a bulletproof vest, a helmet, and a fucking,

and a shield, okay? Don't be suck fucking stupid I love you women It's domestic violence awareness month I love you motherfuckers Last night I'm sitting there It's domestic I see this right And I'm like wow it's domestic violence awareness

And I'm watching what's love got to do it Ever see what love got to do with it? No It's about Ike and Tina Turner He throws a fucking beat on her In the music studio He pulls her through the fucking studio With a hair

He fucks her He beats her This is what I'm watching And my head's about to blow up And I'm thinking I'm watching this right now And I'm thinking This is the fucking post of movie they should have for fucking domestic violence

aware. Bishes will be waking up joining Kung Fu the next day. They know what's cracker like and they're in their day, don't kickboxing, fuck Zumba and Samba. I'm gonna go throw some sidekicks for fucking Jesus. Fucking domestic violence awareness month and that's what they should play. It's my man fucking Ike. Tell of that crazy

motherfucker man. When that movie came out, right? In 84, or 85 or 94, 94, you know, he was pissed. He was real pissed. This is a true story. This guy did two four-poas. He hired a publicist. And he said, fuck it, I'm going to tell my motherfucking story.

Bitschers begin. What are he saying? So he, a friend of mine, my name was Julie, she worked for the advertising company for the public relations friend that they hired in New York. Okay. So the fucking first, like he was mad, he wanted to tell his side of the story.

And he goes, you know, people, motherfuckers write movies and shit. We write our own books. We're making our own movies. We're going to tell our side of the motherfucking story. So he had this big thing for him He was three hours late He got in the fucking car

He was smoking crack In the fucking car Then he got to the whatever to call At the press conference Yeah And somebody said to him Yo Did you ever really beat up

Like Tina Turner He's like Beat her up I never beat the bitch I just punched in the face A couple times That was the end Of the public relations tour

I just punch in the face A couple times I punched in the face a couple times So when I watched that last night It was so fucking ironic. I'm sitting there. I'm like, unbelievable. But what are you going to do?

Anyway, I don't want to talk about domestic violence. I know I got a bunch of chicks hit me with fucking sticks and whatnot. And I'm not saying nothing bad about it. I was just saying it was domestic violence awareness night. And I just happen to see this. Yeah, because I'm not people. Wow, that King Louis fucking did get behind. Bro, they got some great.

See, you could switch the vapors in this pen. So one minute you have King Louis. The next minute you've got Girl Scout cookies. The next minute you got sour dives. like Joe Rogan a sour diesel. These things are fucking tremendous. And these people like, don't they die after the first time? No, they don't die because it's a little compartment down here

and you plug it in at night, the light turns blue. It goes, bing, and you're ready to fucking, you're ready for war like Napoleon. You take this fucking thing and bam. One, two, three, four, five. And it blinks three times. And then you hit it again. See, the light is blue. Now I know why we do the podcast so early.

Like a doctor, you know what I'm saying? It's like eating pussy right after a shower leave. People keep, there was a girl who tweeted me that I should eat ass. You see that? By the end of this year, you are going to eat somebody's ass. We're going to take pictures. We're going to set you up. I know a girl that wants you to eat her ass.

She's 408 pounds. She's black, and she's beautiful. She's got size double D fucking knocked as bigger than your head. She contacted me the other day. She sent me a picture on Gmail. She said that. She wants to go. go on a date

via the week before Thanksgiving. She's going to let you go to a house and cranks shaw and eat her ass like it's our fucking, what's the holiday when the spirit comes out, Jeremiah, you got to leave the door open for the Jews. Oh, Passover? You guys got a bunch of food. Instead of food on the table, she's going to put a big black ass.

She's going to open up with a fart to your face like a green tear gas. After that's going to get you all hungry and then you're going to eat her black ass like a savage late because that's what you all. You're a savage in fucking heat. Don't let nobody else kid you. I love this fucking kid. This kid's savage anyway and you're looking forward to it by now Lee you gotta get it

together eating asses in your future a fart to the face it's in your future I don't have to be a Capricorn I don't have to be a psychic to tell you this shit you know Jesus was a Capricorn nobody ever talks about that shit if he were the toe punch his pile of dog I'm a Capricorn maybe was an I'm a quarry as fuck let's talk this shit out you don't need a fucking beat with the Jews Jesus by the way I watched a fucking I don't know how to describe this guy When I first got here, he always showed me love. This guy has smacked a couple comics.

He's told a couple comics to fuck off. He's got a, you know, I love him and I don't hate him. I respect him and love him. I watch Willie Barsenna's special last night on Showtime. I watched the first 20 minutes. It is so brilliantly written. It is so brilliantly written. I haven't seen it yet.

He talks about going to the church and kickstarting the Holy Spirit. He kept trying to kickstart the Holy Spirit And how Jesus was a Jew Because he was a prophet It was about prophet Hit it Chris Gainer How do you, buddy

What's up you sexy motherfucker? How are you today down there in Florida? Doing real good, dude Am I on the air already? You're on the fucking air That's it, we're talking, baby, it's over We ain't got no warm up here There's no fucking

This ain't the Hollywood squares There's some guy puffing your cock In the back getting you all ready This is North Bergen's stuff You're here. I thought we had a green room or somewhere we can go over something. All right, I'm here I am. There ain't nothing.

We went over everything we had to go over. You know, you got to Barry. You talk about whatever the fuck you want. How are you, Chris Gainer? I'm doing real well. Thanks, Coke. What's going on, buddy? Not just anywhere with the family.

Just doing a lot of things with football with my sons. Then that's about it. And as you see on my Facebook page, enjoying life. I'm not all the time. When I seen you this year, when we hooked up in Miami this year, you showed up with a beautiful fine woman. And then I go on your Facebook every three days. You got some freak.

You're at a pool hall. You got a smile like you're in the fifth grade and somebody let you loose in a candy store. Yeah, I mean, I love your life. I respect your life. I have a Kool-Aid smile. And you're not married, correct? You're divorced, fully divorced.

I've been happily divorced for 12 years now. I have sole custody of my boys. That's what happens when you marry a stripper. So I did marry a stripper. I have two kids because of it, but I have sole custody of them. And you don't even plan on ever getting married again. You're going to sling dick until they put you in the casket, correct? Not ever planning on it, nobody's taking half of my shit ever again.

I'm proud of you, Chris Gaynor. I'm fucking proud. You learned you did it one time. You set a pat for yourself. And you said, fuck it. I'm going to torture chicks. I'm going to shoot loads like I'm fucking 14 behind Horace Mann. Horace Mann, baby.

Listen, I wanted to talk about our freshman basketball team. Remember when we got blown out by Canada? No, no, it was Paterson Eastside. We lost by 40. Was it a Christmas tournament or the other one? The Christmas tournament, we're going to flip over a bus, and we lost by 40.

Just imagine if we won. They were going to tip, and the Christmas tournament, but do you remember, somebody farted on the bus? I'll never forget that. I didn't shit for like a week. I was 15, and I had something,

like I ate bubble gum or something. I swallowed the bubble gum, and I farted on the bus. Do you remember that? And it was horrendous. They were horrendous. This is like when you don't shit for a week and then you fart. And I'm going to cheerleaders, fucking

hold them on to their faces and shit. It was classic. You love those farting moments. What else happened freshman year? We had a good freshman team. Oh, yeah, we did. We had the Whitey. We had Danny Mahoney, Chuckie, you know that. Oh, my. All good players.

Oh, fuck. And we used to run Mr. Reardon. He used to make us run sprints for hours. Hours. And you weren't the quickest human being, you know? No. Remember we used to get in trouble because I used to be slow or something. We got to run sprint.

I wasn't fast. I was quick. That was the problem. That was the problem. I wasn't fast. I could take you to the hoop. I just fucking wasn't speedy fucking Gonzalez. I want to talk a little bit about you.

Go ahead. Go ahead. No, no, go ahead. No, no, go ahead. No, I was just going to say because you got that big ass. You'd always stick that big ass and you'd back your way down under the basket. That's why you were able to take somebody to the hoop. Oh, please.

You coined that phrase right there. You back your way right. Back my way right the fuck in. We used to ride the buses and the bagena we're gonna talk about you were you became a cop You went to college and became a cop Yes, I did I was a cop for 17 years and I retired in 2001 and you got a pension now? Why'd you retire? Just one day you woke up and you said fuck this Now one day I decided I crashed into a tree and now they said I was disabled So yeah, I'm on a disability pension I just had an unfortunate incident where a tree got my way and

So I crashed into the tree, and here I am now. 10 years later. Living in Florida, slinging dick, and giving out bubblegum like Rick James and Buffalo, 184. You know, I always tell these crazy stories. This all started, brother, about two years ago with the Rogan podcast, and I would get up there and say these stories that, you know, Chris, for years, I'm a comic, and I would tell these stories at night in the hotel or in the condo afterward, and people would look at me like I was crazy, and I was embarrassed about where we grew up for,

longest fucking time for years. I wouldn't say nothing, only to, like, close friends that they'd say, oh, I'm from Brooklyn, and we talk about whatever. And we started to show Lee and I, and that's what it's about, the church of what's happening. Now, yeah, we talk about pop culture, whatever, Elton John, getting his dicks up. But I also have my friends call in because I want to give these motherfuckers a taste, you know, of what we grew up in, and, you know, like politics.

I don't talk politics because what's the use, Chris? What we saw as children, what's the use? We grew up in Hudson County. There's still fucking drama there now. Christy's trying to get our mayor out. I mean, it's fucking nonsense. It never ends. You know, and I was thinking about Debrianne Balling Off.

What do you remember about that savage? Well, let's really, I'd really, I'd go. Let's talk about the Meadowlands Hotel. The Meadowlands in. The Meadowlands Inn. 17-18-year-old, and we're going in there drink and hanging out and having out and have it a good time. parties and the shows that were put on there,

especially that girl named Tina, sitting on certain bottles, I don't know, you remember a little bit of that. Galliano fucking bottles. And you know what, Chris? We weren't 17 or 18, Chris. We were not 17 or 18. We were fucking 16 and 15.

Because I had gone in there a few times because of a cop I knew Frankie Pinto. You know, you grew up around these cops, and they worked the door, and they saw me standing on the line. They're like, come on. in. And I remember going in there as a 15 year, because it was right after my mom died, Chris. I remember going in there, and I always tell this. I remember I spent Christmas Eve in there

because I was living with the benders and I didn't want to go home. I was embarrassed to go home. I had nothing to go home to her. So I went there and I seen an old guy at the bar and some chick. Remember, the stage was real small. It wasn't a big strip club. And I seen some chick come up to a guy, take his teeth out of his mouth, put him in her monkey, and then give him back to him. That was what I saw, that was what I saw at fucking 15. That's why I don't go to strip clubs. Why would I go to a strip club today? Why?

Yeah, exactly. They had erotic banana. I married one. From the Meadowlands in? No, no, no. She used to working hot shots and eight days. So I was supposedly saving her. She was a 19-year-old.

Hey, listen, you don't deserve to do this. This side the other thing next to you know. I have a couple of kids, and I divorced her ass. And where is she now? Where is she now? We don't know. She's up, but I think in Stewart somewhere, but she doesn't see my kids at all. Is she Spanish?

No, no. She was an Italian-mix, Scott Person, who knows? Oh, Jesus, fucking Christ. You know, you should have stuck with the originals, dog. You're killing me. You're killing me. I know. Oh, that's right.

And that's your beautiful kids because of it. And how old are your children there? 16 or 14, both studs. My listen is, my 16-year-old, he's six. 65, 265 pounds right now. He's freaking going both ways for his high school team. He's doing real well. And my little one's a big monster, too.

He's about 5-8, 180. You're a fucking whole family was a bunch of big animals. Your dad was a big guy. Oh, yeah. He's 6-7. My brother's 6-5. I'm the fidget at 6-3.

Wow. And you play basketball all four of those years, correct? My brother's listening to his podcast right now. Give a shout-out to P. Gainer right now. PJ, what's happening a little brother? That's right. He was your little, he was like a year younger than you. He was listening, too.

He was a year younger than you're going to. You always loved my sister. Oh, I love your sister. Your sister was beautiful. She still is, man. I look at her on Facebook. She's fucking beautiful. Nah, we lived in a very interesting name.

That's right. You lived on 85th Street. Right down the corner. Yeah, we had Jimmy V. And everybody else, Danfrio. All of us on that block. Man, you guys had a hell of a fucking grammar school up there. That Horace man.

Oh, yeah. Was. Aeschelese. That's right. You motherfuckers. And that's right. You play for all 80 of Fatim. right uh-huh that's right i played for st micha michael's union city you had chucky mcbrine on

chucky's calling on wednesday oh yeah good guys because chucky and i are going to get together he didn't even know about the reunion hey how about this coke but the 82 have a 30-year reunion yeah they had to cancel it for lack of participation nobody gave a shit so they canceled it man who the fuck is gonna go have the chicks that are married you know you go to those things because hopefully you're gonna get your balls licked by one of the chicks in high school that you know She got married. She dumped you. She married the quarterback.

But then you go to their Facebook picks, and they almost look as bad as you do. And you're like, fuck it. I don't want to go no more. So you guys are going to get together? Yeah, yeah. We were talking the other day. Yeah, he's doing real well coaching.

He's coaching up there in Jersey. So, yeah, we're going to get together sometime. Yeah, he's going to call on Wednesday. When are you coming back to Florida again? I'll be in Miami pretty soon. But Chuckie's going to call up. And, you know, because Chuckie and I went to grammar school together in McKinley.

Oh, yeah, McKinley. I know exactly where you went, dude. And we had Wally Lindsay. This is when he was the mayor of Weehawken, and he was our eighth-grade teacher. This is when North Bergen was really North Bergen, when other mayors were coming in and shit. They were giving mayors jobs as teachers.

And he had a couple guys in suits. You know, he had like three or four guys in suits that did all his nice work with nice white people, but then he had this one guy in a leather jacket that did all his dirty work, and the guy's name was Turk Jordan. And he took me and Chuckie McPrene to see him. six a game, December 25th, Christmas Day at the Garden.

And the guy tells us he had tickets, and when we get there, he goes, we ain't got no fucking tickets. We're going to stub our way in. So we stub our way in, and we get in there, and we don't have seats. And it's Christmas Day. Everybody's day with their kids and a basketball. They're dressed as Santa, a bunch of Puerto Ricans. You know the fucking deal.

And next thing, you know, the guy that took us gets into an all-out fucking brawl. Here we are 13, our little jackets on, our little hoods. So I'm gonna have Chucky calling and tell that story. Give me something, Chris Gaynor. Give me a North Bergen. Shock these motherfuckers. Tell him something today. Hey, listen, I can't.

The Statue of Limitations might not be up for my job. Fuck the statute of limitations. Who's gonna go down there and get you? Nobody's going on there and get you? You get your PBA card. You're a fucking savage. You've got to tell me something good from high school. Let these motherfuckers know what we were doing.

They know. I already told them about Debraan Balling, or about why they took this fucking hooker. If you drove past the house, if the light was on, that meant you went upstairs and got your dick suck for 40 bucks. If the light wasn't on, that meant she was busy. I never got my dick sucked. I always thought she was creepy. And then I leave for Colorado in 83, and next thing you know, she's on eyewitness news telling people that,

the whole tri-state area that she's blowing the mayor, that she's the mad. Right, she had the whole big list. She had the laundry list. I wasn't on that laundry list now. No, no, you weren't even, I don't think you were an office event. We just got out of high school. It was 84, right? We had just gotten out of high school.

Well, we got out in 82, I became a cop at 87. Yeah, so you were still in college or playing hoops or jumping up and down at hashways and doing fucking something, you know. So nothing, but I still remember going back, and then they killed her a year later. They found her dead denouet with heroin in her veins. Hey, how about this coming out now?

You know that Kiklinsky movie, right? Yeah. The Iceman, they're coming out with that whole thing, and all my friends are down here, they're saying, did you know about this? And we knew about that whole thing When Mr. Softy and all that other crap I'm not going to mention the names

You know the names and I know the names Oh yeah I'm at Charles Court It's crazy because I hit on the mother I went to Janeros and Hoboken and went to the Quaylood And I started kissing the mother's neck After they killed them She was fucking, I grew up with them dog

I grew up with those kids I mean I was on I never You were right there I grew up on giving that terrace And a lot of people don't know Another thing a lot of people don't know was You know his office was on 69th and nuke her Correct?

You know where Rego lived? That's where his office was. That's where his freezer was. And I'll tell you something else. A lot of people don't know. He was married to a chick from North Bergen in the 60s. They lived across the street from the Coat Factory. She cheated on him and he cut her nipples off.

Jesus Christ. Right there. I mean, he lived in West New York for him. Get the fucking... When you get the book and you start reading it and he starts describing 58th and Hudson to you, he lived in West New York in the fucking 60s. He was killing people.

He was just going over the city at night and killing people. He was practicing. Yeah, he was just practicing and having to have to kill. Because of this, I got all my friends, I want to go watch that movie. So we're going to go hang out and party that night. And I'm telling you, I can't wait, because I'm just going to know everything that they say where they were. How about the mere fact that they were selling Mr. Softby ice creams to us on the street? And he was deciding who the fuck he was going to kill.

Yeah, but the problem was, I would ask him. His father would always take the truck home at night. But he would never sell ice cream on Charles Quarter, given that terrorist. And I would ask him, dog, why doesn't your dad sells ice cream? when he would go, my dad don't sell that type of ice cream. But that dude, that dude was also, he was also digging graves on that cemetery on Tunnelly Avenue there, like by 50th Street, right past the concrete place. And that's where they found all his tools.

Grove Cemetery. That's where they found his guns and his fucking explosives. I guess one of the boys found it after he died. So, yeah, we grew up, you know, I seen, I don't know if you know this, and I told this on a documentary on Charles Court. That's where I met Carmine Balzano when he was beating the fuck out of John, whatever's father, the Irish kids.

There were like nine of him on Charles Court. On that same street, three doors down, was where I met Carmine when he got out of his police car and beat the fuck out of those kids, the father. He beat the fuck out of the father in front of me. Chris Gaynor, I was a Cuban kid from New York City. I had never seen anything like that in my life.

My fucking dick got hard. I remember going home and telling my mom, don't ever sell this fucking house. Well, how about when Carmine opened up his own little strip club, right? When he had the barn, right? You know, all of a sudden, he caught on fire. Remember that? It was a flea market in the daytime and a strip club at night, upstairs.

Exactly. Do you remember that shit? Pete called the other day. We were talking about it, political Pete, Bousano, who we were talking about the strip club when he opened up a combination flea market strip club. And I'll tell you what. I used to love going to that place.

I get treated like a king there. You'd go in it, and that's it. I can go in there for $10. get a blowjob and get drunk. No fucking way. They were sucking dick down. See, I was gone by that time when they were sucking dick. I was in college. Right before I became a cop, it was crazy.

No shit. Then he lived on fire. That's the rumor. Oh, hey, listen, I don't know what happened. It was a Jewish lightning. Yeah, it was Jewish lightning. There's a Jew in here, so be careful. Jew alert, the flying Jew is here. My main man, now, he loves all this stuff.

This is Lanski's fucking nephew. I got the last of the Lanski's fucking nephew. a nephew in my bloodline here with me. That's right. He lit the fucking place on fire. The funny thing was the smoke was coming out of the building and kids seen and they ran up to him. They're like, Mr. Mr. You want us to call the fire department? He's like, no, no, no. Here's $5.

Go get some ice cream little boys. And then he did delogical, what, you fake the heart attack. A lot of motherfuckers don't know that after you get arrested, you fake the heart attack, so you don't have to give a statement for a couple days. You and your attorney get together. This is North Bergen Politics 101. These motherfuckers don't know this shit.

That's why we're trying to online him. Yeah, there's all sex scandals going on now with the Mayada. I don't know if you heard about all the sexual harassment, all this other things, sex for favors. Yeah, he's always been a morning, motherfucker. You know, it never ends there, man. It's so, that's why I don't... He's been made since 1983. Since 19-fucking 83.

He's the superintendent of schools. He's a state senator. I mean, he's a whole bunch of shit. My God. He's had full control. And you know what? But Chris, let me ask you something. The town looks good.

Sure. I haven't been there. I haven't been back. I was there in September with Lee. We went to shoot the documentary where I got my balls from about me growing up there and all the Italian kids in the neighborhood.

And I'll tell you what. Like that down by the fire deck, right? Yeah. Underneath the Viadok, Chuck and McBride's house. Chuckie McBride's house right down there. And it's so funny, huh? I got to tell you, he's got cameras everywhere. The town is clean.

He's got programs from everybody. So you know what? If he's stealing, at least he's taking care of the town. If he's getting his dick suck, it's not like they were negligent. Even Peter Mocko when I was growing up. That dude was half and half. But if my basketball court needed a fucking chain,

I would call up there and Peter Mocko will they be there in 10 minutes? You know, because I grew up in Carmine's neighborhood. So that neighbor would always look tight. That neighborhood always looked fucking tight down there because Carmine would call up there and go, hey, the grass is two inches too heavy, and they'd be down there within minutes.

But the schools are in great shape. You know, you can't just walk into that fucking house. high school no more Chris you know no no no they have two cops that are there all day they got fucking security details they stopped us they got to look at your ID you know it's not in the old days and we walked into that fucking school and did what we wanted and they would suspend you we'd hide in the back of hashways those days are over we go to hashways I'll never forget being uh behind fifth avenue deli and with dennis calangelo and sitting back there in the dead of the winter with ask Elise and a bunch of other guys and mr rich coming over mr.

Rich was that goofy football coach. And Dennis Colangelo took the joint out from behind his ear. I mean, Dennis is a junior in high school, not really. And he looks at him and he goes, Mr. Rich, we're sparking. Either you stay or you get the fuck out of here. That's how he talked to the fucking teacher. I almost died. I'm like, Jesus, fucking praise.

Now, we had a good time growing up, Chris. You know, we really, we really. That freshman basketball team was fucking torture, though. That was true. We practiced in that. Follow Mr. Reardon. I don't know if I don't want to talk bad about him, but the guy was constantly drunk, right?

Yeah, and him and McGrath, the other guy, the other guy, who's his assistant coach who had that horrible breath? Oh, what the fuck is his name? Not pollute. I forget. We had great coaches freshman year. We had George McGrath and Mr. Teranobin football.

We had Reardon. Somebody else, and then we had a pollute in baseball when we knocked them out with all the fucking fly balls. We threw him, we hit him. He kept saying. saying, where the hell are all the balls? And we all threw the balls at one time. And we gave a fucking concussion of 64th Street field.

And then, you know, I did to pollute, like three years later, through Mr. McGrath, I put a bet in for like $10,000. And I never paid him. I never paid him. Mr. McGrath, a.k.a. camel breath. Because remember, he used to smoke those camels at no filter, and his mustache would get fucking red. His mustache, he was a red-headed guy,

but the tips and his fingertips. Do you remember he was the driver, red teacher. I'm just going to say that. We used to go off a drive-up there. We'd go to eat Callahan's Hotthals in Fort Lee. We'd drive up there and come back. We used to go to Chan's dragging in.

He used to have us for 44 minutes. I remember talking him into taking us to the liquor store. They got an eight-pack. And they're taking us to Chance Dragon in for a fucking steak on a stick. And we'd sit there and drink the eight-pack between like three of us, and we'd go back to the high school. He was our fucking teacher. And by the way, George McGrath...

As long as we got back by 42 minutes. You're right. Forty-two minutes. And by the way, George McGrath is on Facebook If you want to be his fucking I'm his friend on Facebook He won't be my friend Not after the Pallute thing

You know that You know, he was, I loved the camel I loved him with all my heart Because I got tired with him After I graduated in North Bergen After that year that we graduated I got really tight with him And I remember I went to him

I used to go He used to have a friend that used to sell his shit And I mean one day I owed him 300 bucks and I'm like McGrath You need to call your friend He's like, fuck you you owe me money I got your money I had a me and Loubs robbed a gas station I had a bag of like 800 singles you know what 300 six yeah yeah we do you know the Hess by

we Hawking remember he used to work down there remember the Hess gas station he used to pump gas down there three out five nine five so one not I robbed him with my finger I put a gun in his back for like 800 and we split it and we went to McGrath with 300 singles I never forget we gave the bag it was huge it was like Puerto Rican They were all full of fucking sweat and fucking tears. Chris Gaynor was a fucking pleasure talking to you, man. I'm happy you called up today. You're a good man.

You're explaining for these motherfuckers. When you get down here, I got to get to others. You got a what? And so we got to get together when you get down here to Miami again. Come on, bro. No worries. Are you surprised this shit on me when you showed up at the improv last time? I love you, Chris Gaynor.

Thank you for being a cop. Thank you for being a cool motherfucker. Stay black. You do, my, bye. Bye. Chris fucking Gain. Oh, shit. No, we had to talk about the cop situation.

They were great cops. When I was growing up, you know, I had left by the time he became a cop. I was already having felonies out in Colorado. So I don't know what was going on in the town, but I was hearing little bits and pieces. And I had a lot of friends who had become cops. And that was the other reason why I had to get the fuck. You know, there was two reasons why I left North Bergen. One, because the chief of police, Bazako, I hung out.

I was best friends with his son. So every time I did something, Gerard would call me and say, coax, what the fuck? My dad just called me, you know, you're embarrassing me. And that was one reason. The other reason was availability. I didn't like it that New York City was that close to North Bergen. I was a junkie.

You know, it was three minutes away. Everything was three minutes away. An explosive, a quay lute, a fucking bomb. Everything was at my fingertips, you know what I'm saying? What do you got, Lee? What do you got for this? Oh, shit. You want to do the whatever the...

Oh, that's right. I want to talk to you guys. So anyway, in 84, I was living back in North Bergen, and I was dating this girl, Lisa. And we used to go to the movies once or twice a week. Because she was a movie buff. We went to see great fucking movies to Splash and Ghostbusters, a bunch of them, Scarface.

And we went one night to see something, and the Pope Greenwich Village was there, and so was Hotel New Hampshire. I haven't heard of you. I haven't even heard that one. Yeah. It's an old fucking movie. And me, I just want to get my pole smoked.

And I want to eat some monkeys. It's Friday night. So when you want to do those things, you can't go to the movie of your choice. You have to go to the movie that the girl wants to go. And you sacrifice a little bit, but you have some fun later on. You go to a movie on your own with your fucking retarded buddies. So I didn't go see the Pope. Instead, I went to see Hotel New Hampshire, which sucked.

And this Pope movie came out. I never heard of it again. And in 19805 or 6th, I moved to Aspen, Colorado. I worked at a video store. and all these New Yorkers were coming asking for the Pope of Greenwich Village. And then that time I had seen a movie called Diner. Okay. With Guttenberg, Steve Guttenberg, and all these actors,

and Mickey Work was in it. Now, for you guys that are younger stuff, you watched The Ressler last year, and you watched a guy by now two years ago, and you watched the resurrection of Mickey fucking Rock. And people were very happy, you know, whatever, and the wrestler turned out to be a great movie. He did a great job.

He's back on it. But you guys don't know the pre-Fucking Drana. I had no idea. Mickey Rourke. You know, when Mickey Rourke took the fucking scene, I heard that when Mickey Rourke would do a movie, actors would go down and watch him shoot his scenes. That's how much Mickey Rourke had stolen fucking the acting.

He just was killing. He was friends with Andy Garcia. Andy Garcy. He's from Miami, Mickey Rourke. And he came up here. But then after he became successful, he opened up a fucking candy store in Beverly Hills, and he started becoming a boxer, and it all went. But my buddy Einstein still trains him,

and he's back, and I love him. But as an actor, I got to tell you, there's two movies he did that always destroy me. One is the Pope of Greenwich Village. It's a comedy slash drama, and the other one being Angel Heart. Angel Heart is a movie he did with motherfucking De Niro, where De Niro plays the Devil.

Oh, shit. And he plays a private investigator. We'll cover that some other time. That came out in 87. But this movie here, the Pope of Greenwich Village, is a movie he did with Eric Roberts. That's fucking hilarious. In different ways, they rob a jewelry store,

and they get caught into mob boss, played by Bert Young. and Bert Young is the Pope and at the end you gotta watch the fucking movie but I want to lead a play a scene from it what happened was Eric Roberts and Mickey robbed this gangster and the gangster's punishment takes his thumb

he goes to the track and he cuts his fucking thumb off and then you have to serve him coffee until your thumb heals and this is what Bert Young they called him I forget what the Bed Buggetti that's the character's name so this is a scene after they cut his thumb and Darrell Hannah's in this fucking movie She plays Mickey Rourke's wife

But when she finds out that Mickey Rourke Rob the fucking jewelry store She leaves because she's pregnant It's like my wife found out I fucking shot that 4th or so she'd leave But Anyway This is the scene

When Mickey Rourke When Eric Roberts comes back to Mickey Rourke's apartment That's what robbed you? My God, what did you do, Charlie? I didn't do anything Pauli, I didn't hit her, I didn't do nothing You can't do that

I mean you don't have views on what so while a shit all over you. I don't mean that you walk around more than tonight whacking them upside their head like someone from the other side, but you gotta tell Raj them once and why did you keep them in line, know what I mean?

I mean, like, you know, sometimes, sometimes when they embarrass you in front of your friends, you'll whack them with the back hand. You're not out in the middle of the room, like some fucking animal, you know, but nice in the bedroom. Bap-boom!

Ho! What am I? Some kind of asshole. Bavoo! Another one. Oh, what is there some kind of fucking joke? You get your coat on fast and you don't take a night to nobody. You understand me?

Huh? Huh? That's to keep them humble. When you don't let them say good night to nobody, they walk out looking at the fucking floor. Charlie! Lady took my fault! That's it.

Holy shit. People, he's walking around with no thumb. He's walking around with a big bandage and he's smacking a punching bag in an apartment. He's telling the story. It's like, yeah, what I imagine. Your apartment in fucking Colorado to be. It's a barren apartment and a big punching bag right in the middle. My apartment was small in that, but the thing about this movie is that Mickey Rock rocked it.

Burt Young rocked it. You know who's in this movie? The guy that they ran over his head on the Sopranos. I forget what his name is now. He was the mob boy. from the other side from the Lupitazi family over there at the end and they ran over his head he's a fucking killer and he in fact he cuts the guy's thumb but this movie did eight million it was I don't know what the budget was only did six million the first

weekend it was considered a flop but the beauty about this movie was Geraldine Page Geraldine Page is his old fucking did I show you the scene before no Gerald Dean Page is old actress they nominated her for a fucking Oscar for this movie so if you get a chance and you want to watch it often color movie, watch fucking Pope Greenwich Village. Then next week we'll watch Angel Heart with Mickey Roy, De Niro,

and the girl from the fucking Cosby's, which will blow your fucking mind. I'm only going to hate you with Bond Burn this here, guys. I ain't going to waste your time with fucking Avatar and 3D glasses. I'm making you with fucking movies about life. You watch these movies, you've got to sit there and scratch your head. Another one that I referred to

another buddy of mine on Twitter was Papillon. I haven't watched that in a long time. And we'll cover that I just have to watch them first, guys. I know that if I watch Papillon, it's too fucking long. Your ADD won't catch it. I can't catch it, so I don't expect a younger generation to fucking sit there and go, Joe, you gave me this fucking sleeping pill of a movie.

I might as well go to Wigsbury, Pennsylvania and fall asleep. I'm no offense to Wuxbury. I love him. Well, Mickey Roach must have had a tough 20 years or whatever, because he looks completely different. Oh, my God. He got beat up. He smokes great packs of cigarettes a day, you know?

For the wrestler, he had to shoot Decker and all other drugs. But regardless of that, he's a fucking great actor. And that's something that, you know, I watched Hank, what's his name, Dracula the other day? Okay. With that war, because they made a couple Dracula, you know what I'm saying? But I watched the one Boris, whatever is, Bras, whatever's Dracula, with Gary, whatever. Oh, my fucking God. Listen, guys, I'm a comic, but I love fucking movies.

I was raised on movies. When you come from another country and you listen to you're growing up on Spanish and you go to these things and you see these people doing all these great things on the screen It fucking inspires you and this is what you know Listen I've been in some movies and I've been opposite some great actors But I didn't have I wasn't a real fucking actor. I wasn't a full-time actor You know when you see some of these guys have been doing it 20 years you know when you're around them This is what they tap into something I never tapped into nothing I'm the same guy in every fucking movie which is why after a certain level you don't grow anymore,

but I know that going in. In fact, I left a message to somebody go into a full-time acting class because I like to do something in New York. Maybe if we put testicle testaments on the road, I want to give a little theatrical effect to it. So I love to be that. But it's really easy to come out here and book a movie.

It's taking it to that level when you're around great actors. That's a dream of mine. I don't want to be in a big movie, but I love to work opposite somebody like Sean Pan or, you know, Gary Oldman, or something like that, to really learn the fucking nuts and boys.

to this year. That new Sean Penn movie looks great. Which one is that? The gangster squad? Yeah, yeah. That looks fucking intense. But I tell you what looks better. I want to see the Brad Pitt one. You know, it's weird that I don't go to the movies in July no more because it's all the PG shit for kids. I go on the movies when movies, like I went to see I go. I've been to the movies more in the last three, two months that I've been all year. Yeah.

Because these are the movies that appeal to me, you know. What's the Brad Pitt one? It's him and James Gandafini and all that shit about a gangster. The Ice Man's coming out. movie which I didn't agree with any other fucking casting you know I didn't agree on any other casting in the ice man you know it's it's really weird that when we went to shoot the doc I showed you where he lived it's such a big thing in our town now because we didn't know while it was going on don't let nobody kid you I'm not gonna sit here and go I

seen him whatever I never saw that fucking guy but I didn't know shit was wrong I knew something was always off with Mr. P with Mr. Prangay I always knew something was always wrong with him growing up they changed their names they moved on now. So if you look at Prongay, the wife, the family changed, and then because everything came out after he died. So it's really interesting, you know, the book is on whatever,

correct? Audible, yes. On Audible. If you go to Audiblepodcast.com slash church, you could find that book, Confessions of a Mafia hitman or whatever. He's got a chapter in there that he was getting 50, 60, $75,000 to hit. He has a chapter

in there where he would also take the people and killing and put a camera so you could watch the guy dying. After he tortured him, he'd take him to a cave, and there was rats in the cave, and he would feed him to the rats, and he'd just come to you and go, Lee, here's your tape, and you

put the VHS tape on, and they'd show you the guy tied up fucking eating, but one of the best hits he ever did that I talked about this with somebody, because I like all that shit, you know what I'm saying? You got, you know, like Dexter's something crazy, I watch it last night, but sometimes it's pretty cute

to watch those pretty cute. Like, I'll good family movies, the godfather, the baptism scene or whatever, but there's a scene where some guy rapes a girl, and the father contacts the ice man to go down there and kill the kid who raped his daughter. He was a Cuban kid. He went down to Miami, and the guy was a valet parker. And he took him, and he tied him to a tree, kidnapped him in the trunk of a car, Vela style,

who's still not doing a fucking show that cuck sucker. Next month's going to be 25 years since the kidnap it, and he still would not accept me as a friend. So he took him, he tied them to a fucking tree under the moon, then he started cutting his skin off with a razor blade and throwing it into the ocean. Just draw it into the ocean, just little pieces. Just throw it into the ocean.

Little piece off his thigh, a little piece off his calves, just in strips of his skin. And then after he did that for fucking an hour, he took cautious salt, and he rubbed it on the motherfucker. All right? You know those Jews don't fuck around. that salt will go right through your nut sack and burn out your little penis helmet, right? Then he started cutting off, he took his ball sack off with his hands.

He ripped his ball sack to scrode him off and cut what was left. Through that in the fucking water. Now the sharks started coming in, right? Then he started chopping like an arm. He would throw that in another arm. Then he put the guy in one of those float duckies. Yeah. He threw him in the fucking water, and the sharks got him and took him under.

And he taped the whole fucking thing. Fuck. That is crazy. That means you need time. That means you need patience. That is fucking crazy How do you sleep after that? Me?

No, him. You go home? Tell your wife to lick your nuts And you roll over and go to bed I don't fucking know Lee. I'm not a psychiatrist I don't know

I mean I have a hard time fucking when I see an animal And I don't stop and help it You know what I'm saying That's me I don't fucking know what I couldn't do it I could never do something like that

Because you know The paranoia Once you go home and smoke a joint That's when you're paranoid It starts Like every time I do something wrong I call somebody a cock-suck Or I get mad

And I come home And I smoke a joint the paranoia comes and you realize what you've done. You really realize what you've done, and then you feel bad. I think about Jeffrey Dahmer. How did he sleep knowing there was a body under his fucking bed? Can you imagine that?

Got a head in your fucking closet? Do you need that in your fucking life? I need that to get up and there's bones in my fucking thing. I don't need that shit. I would die, bro. I can never, ever. You know, my head blows up. I remember when I would do something a crime

and then I would buy like a gram of blow and I would go home, three quarters in the gram of blow. I wasn't enjoying it no more. The paranoia would creep up on me at what I'd done and I'd start looking at windows if I'd seen a cop car.

It was fucking mind-boggling. It's mind-boggling. What paranoid does to a person? At least that's what it did to me, you know? What do you call that? When you do something and you don't even accept it, like a psychopath or something? Yeah, you know, yeah, psychopathia.

There's a word for it, but I'm fucking stone. An animal. That's the fucking word for it. When you do something, you just don't care. Hey, listen, man. You know, for years, I thought, after my mother died that I had no feelings, that this is what you need to be a hitman.

And I thought, I wanted to kill people for a living, and I fucking hooked up with a dude, and I'll tell you what, I can never do it then. That's not my... If somebody does something wrong to me, then you have an underlying fucking objective to throw somebody off a roof. But not for contract.

I don't want that in my life. Yeah, sociopath. Yeah, so there you go. Four years of fucking college. What's your degree? Digital post production. Really? Yeah.

Really? Digital postman? I knew what I wanted to do. history major something. No, I knew what I wanted to do. No, no Jewish studies, no Israeli conflicts, nothing like that. You fuck, how are going to be proud of you? No, I spent a semester in Israel. I would love there for six months.

Did you really? Yeah, it was a lot of fun. You didn't tell me about, fucking a year you've been coming over here, fart, drinking soups. And now you tell me you in Israel for you. I'm direct from Israel. That's why you're direct from Israel. I'm always watching this motherfucker. We've got a great week coming up, guys.

All right, tomorrow, Testicle Testicle Testaments, three goes on sale. That's when I talk about one. you can pre-order it today. Wednesday, we're doing testicle testaments. The daughter of a new birth, I've added some new stuff, and taking some new stuff off. That's at the Ice House Stage 2, 830 Wednesday. Get your tickets now because that might be sold out.

6-26-577-1894. I think Brian's doing a show up there on Friday. And you said this is the last technical testament of the year, right? Of the year. This is the last one of the year. Ari's doing one also, a storytellers, Wednesday night. So if you want to go to that, If you went to mine last month

and you want to go to RRI's, please go down to the improv 3-2-3-6-5-1. I don't know the rest of the number there, down at the Melrose Improv. Please do it in the big room on Wednesday night. I'm probably doing a podcast

with Duncan this week. We're doing Beauty and the Beast. Felicia's got a podcast. She said... She said what? What? It's on iTunes. November 8th, November 1st,

through the 4th. I'm at the Ontario Improv. We're right. Not Ontario, Canada. I can't go to fucking Canada. November 8th. Again, this is going to be a barn-burner fucking show if you're anywhere in the Midwest. It's myself and the other Jew who I love to fucking death, Ari Shafir.

That's my other fucking homie. I only surround myself with the best in the Jew fucking world. I don't want no more Jewish with sandals telling people shalom. I don't need that shit. I want the hard-hitting motherfucking Jews like the black guys, Ving Rames talked about, on fucking Pope Fiction. I want some crack-hitting motherfucking Jews that don't... That's why I love you, Lisa. Yeah, you're the last of the real Mohicans.

And I'm doing out to Ari Shafir, and then we got more dates to the end of the year. And that's all I got for you on a beautiful Monday morning, man. I'm happy you guys came out today. What the fuck is that shit? I'm happy you guys came out and listened. Thank you for putting up with me this morning, an hour late. Lee had to drive his mama to the thing.

But remember one thing, guys, don't fucking worry about what people think that I have to say about you today. If you ain't happy with you, fuck all these motherfuckers. I don't need nobody lying to you. You know you're a bad. motherfucker. It's Monday. Sling

dick. You know, tell the truth. Go out there, pick up a piece of paper, love an animal, do all the fucking things that you can put that little coin into the car in the bank and you have a great week. Just remember motherfuckers, you're nine weeks away from Christmas and you're seven weeks away from Hanukkah. So you're pretty soon

you've got to start shaking hands. You want to have money. You want to put a little paper in your pocket. She gives some presents to the kids and the people around you because everybody wants pussy on fucking Hanukkah and everybody wants to get their dick sucked on Christmas. That's just way it is. Show me a Jew that doesn't get his dick sucked on fucking Hamika

and I'll show you a fucking retarded fucking Jew. Jews don't fuck around. It's Yamaga. They get that beanie, they put the propeller on it. Bam! Motherfuckers. I love you guys. Have a great week. Thank you very much for listening. Thank you for supporting the Debt Squad. Thank you for supporting me and the flying Jew.

We're going over through sponsors if you send this info on sponsorship of information. We'll get back to you. We're going to set this fucking studio up looking beautiful. And that's how we do it. On a Monday, Today's date, October 22nd, 20,012. We got two more months before the Indians show up, or the Puerto Ricans or Martians or whatever fuck they are.

Live your life, have a great day. Little Saturday, Bloody Sabbath for these motherfuck. Oh, should I turn that off? I got, I can't Tina Turner set up. Which one? Get it on. Let's do it. Domestic violence awareness month.

Don't smack a bitch. Wait till November. Here we go, baby. What? They sound like the stumps. Have a great day, motherfuckers. I love you. Throw him a kiss, sweet.

There you go.